


LIFETIMES

by 8hedaofhearts8



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Clexa, F/F, F/M, Foreign Relations AU, The 100 - Freeform, clexa au, the 100 au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:24:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 401,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6798289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hedaofhearts8/pseuds/8hedaofhearts8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Foreign Relations AU</p><p>They live different lives, in different states and are heading towards different paths. </p><p>Clarke is a politician’s daughter who’s starting to feel the pressure of being the head of state’s only child. Her path has been very carefully laid out to her and as much as her mother has told her it is her choice on what to do next, she knows the death of her father dictates otherwise. Her family’s legacy is one to be protected.</p><p>Lexa is new to the throne but has always known this was her destiny. She was born to lead her people. It is in her blood. There was never a choice, just an acceptance of a role. A role she has completely embraced and has put above all else. Her nation deserves her full loyalty and she has pledged her life to her people. And to nothing and no one else.</p><p>Two different lives, two different paths which converge to one shared fate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Recognition

PART 1 - (Clarke’s POV)

“What are you worried about? You’ve met her before” Clarke’s childhood friend Octavia asked for what felt like the tenth time that hour.

Clarke just shrugged as she put on the preppiest blazer her mother could find and embarrass her with. Tonight was a big deal. Ever since her father had died, her mom had stepped up to the role of Chancellor of the State and that meant more pressure on the perfect daughter everyone has already deemed her to be. Tonight, they were receiving one of the most important guests when it comes to their trade relations. A whole delegation from a neighboring state was arriving and everyone is on edge on how the relationship between their states would change now that there was someone new in charge on both ends.

It’s been a year since the new Commander of Polis ascended to that throne. But because Clarke’s father had died just a couple of months before, they weren’t able to attend the coronation festivities. Now, for reasons her mother would not tell her, the Commander was visiting them.

“I’m not worried” Clarke answered. “I’m annoyed. She’s already sending me to medical school, it’s like she wants me to be politically savvy as well.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You already are politically savvy. I think you were born politically savvy.”

"Not the point. I just wanted to relax this week. And I’ve never met her”

“What?”

“The Commander. I’ve never met her” Clarke said as they walked through the high-ceilinged halls of the Chancellor’s Mansion. She smiled at everyone greeting her a good afternoon but made it a point not to meet anyone’s eyes. She knows the halls are full of spies. Not the kind sent during wartime. The kind that would spread rumors about what the Chancellor’s daughter is up to nowadays.

The last thing she needs right now is people spreading rumors of her and Octavia having a secret love affair. Not that this would be the first time.

“You know you’re not running for office right?” Octavia teased as they reached the main foyer. “You don’t have to be nice to everyone”

“And just because they’re sending you to Polis to go to their fancy military schools does not mean you get to forget your humanity. Or how to smile”

“Oh my God, Clarke. They’re not aliens there. Just tough”

“You’re already tough, O”

“And when I finish there, I will come back here and have myself assigned as your Royal Guard”

Clarke laughed. She knows Octavia would take that assignment in a heartbeat. Polis is a State known for their formidable military strength. They’re like the modern day Sparta. And they supply Arkadia with the best weaponry and some of the best soldiers. Her mother’s personal guards are all products of Polis Military Academy. She had no doubt Octavia would lay down her life for her. She also knows that her best friend wants to be a soldier. Not a body guard.

“Just don’t break too much bones, O” she said, remembering that when this State Visit ends, Octavia leaves with the Polis crew. She scoffed. This fact just reminded her that instead of going to the countryside and have a girls week away with some of her friends, she’s stuck here, playing nice with one of the most ruthless Commanders Polis ever had.

By reputation, anyway.

“You’ll be a doctor by the time I get back. You can fix me—“

Octavia’s words were drowned by the sound of a crowd gathering at the grand entrance of the mansion. She sharpened her gaze and sure enough she found the source of the commotion- The Commander’s caravan was approaching the main gates.

“Ready for showtime, Princess?” she asked Clarke who was scanning the grounds for her mother.

“I told you not to call me that.”

“You respond everytime” Octavia laughed. She reached over to fix Clarke’s hair and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “Try not to make her fall in-love with you.”

“As if the Commander even knows the word. I’ll see you later?”

“Betcha”

Clarke watched as Octavia ran towards her brother, a lieutenant of the Arkadian Army. She waved and turned to take her place next to her mother’s side when she heard her name getting called out.

“What?” she yelled back.

“And you have met her before!”

“Who?”

“The Commander!”

“When?” she asked across the grounds, where most of the public gathered, but Octavia didn’t hear her. She walked carefully to where her mother was, poised at the mansion’s main doors, and stood next to her.

“Hey, mom?” she said quietly as they watched the convoy approach them slowly.

“I expect you at dinner, Clarke”  
She rolled her eyes. She was going to try and get herself excused but she completely forgot after what Octavia said bugged her. “I know. I wasn’t asking about that”

  
Abby gave her a quick glance, “What were you going to ask then?”

“Have I met the Commander before? This one I mean”

Abby looked away.

“Mom?”

“No.”

“No, I’ve never met her?”

“You never have” Abby said, keeping her gaze straight at cars piling through the gate.

“Octavia said I have. I thought it was weird. You know what else is weird?” Clarke said, trying to bait her mom into a conversation that she feels was being avoided. “You not meeting my eyes.”

“Clarke, I love you and I love how your instincts work in certain occasions but now is not the best time for you to question everything.”

Clarke smirked. “When did I meet her?”

“I just said you have not”

“Then why do you sound like you’re lying? Are you?”

Abby exhaled. “I’m not. You have never been to Polis and she has never been to Arkadia before. How on earth could you have possibly met?”

Clarke shrugged jokingly, “Maybe not on Earth then”

Abby ignored her comment, straightened herself before walking towards the limo that stopped a few paces away from them.

Clarke followed in smaller steps and watched closely as her mother welcomed their guest. She couldn’t see the Commander’s face just yet but she heard her speak. She had to move closer because the voice sounded familiar.

Has she heard it before?

It was soft but firm. Very firm. Almost like it could command armies in a single whisper. Or bring down regimes with a single word. It was controlled and sure, like every utterance was calculated. She heard her mother give formal pleasantries before asking how the trip was.

The Commander answered politely but in short phrases and carefully chosen words.

“Commander, may I introduce my daughter? Clarke, this is the new Commander of Blood.”

Clarke stepped forward, put a smile on her face and extended a hand. She looked up to meet the Commander’s eyes to welcome her to Arkadia suddenly found herself unable to talk.

Green.

That’s all she saw.

Green. The most beautiful, luscious and intoxicating green shade she has ever seen.

Iridescent. A galaxy of green stars.

The Commander’s eyes mirror the forests and trees she only heard of about in Polis. Arkadia didn’t have a lot of forestland so she didn’t know for sure if trees have different kinds of green in each but she knew that nature should probably be envious of the Commander’s eyes.

They shine and cast shadows. They’re captivating as they are deep. Like they carried the secrets of the world. Like they carried answered prayers and death sentences all at the same time. Like they carried promise and heartbreak in distant universes. You could almost get lost in them and never want to be found.

Damn, they’re beautiful.

Damn, she shouldn’t be thinking this.

She tried to look away so she could locate her voice but her eyes only went as far as the Commander’s lips. Bad idea.

Because now, as she watched the rather stoic guest, she can see a slight twitch in her perfect pink lips. Was it a smile? A mock? An invitation to kiss?

Clarke stopped herself. What the hell is going on with her? An invitation to kiss? The Commander? A girl? A girl that could possibly kill her with a flick of her wrist? No. These are not the best thoughts right now. Or ever. She studied the Commander some more. They looked to be about the same age but she can tell the girl in front of her was not just some college student. There were lightyears in her eyes. Lifetimes in them.

She heard her mother clear her throat which effectively brought Clarke back to her senses. “Welcome, Commander.” she said, going back into the sea of green orbs she tried to run from earlier.

“You may call me Lexa, Clarke” the Commander said shaking her hand. “I understand we are not that far apart in age.”

“Welcome to Arkadia, Lexa.”

Clarke was suddenly very aware of the dried scar in the hand holding hers. She jerked slightly, scared that maybe she would hurt the other girl if the scars were not old ones but she found herself unable to remove her palm. The Commander’s hand was surprisingly warm and soft, despite the skin that clearly had been through battles and wars at a young age.

“I hope you enjoy your stay” she continued in a whisper. She was conscious how the crowd that had gathered around them was suddenly very quiet and very still. The only movement she can see was Lexa’s steady breathing. There was a rhythm to it, the rise and fall of her chest. It took Clarke a few seconds to realize that the rhythm wasn’t so much as the other girl breathing but the fact that somehow their breaths were synchronized. Almost timed to perfection.

Lexa still has not removed her eyes on hers. What was it, a game? Was this a Polis thing? You shall not look away first? Clarke tried to remember what she was taught about foreign customs but realized very quickly that she’s finding it very difficult to think about anything other than this enigma before her.

There was something she could not quite figure out.

The green eyes. It feels like she has spent hours looking into them before. But like she thought earlier, there aren’t that many trees in Arkadia. And none of them this green. This beautiful. This deep. These were unchartered grounds but all so familiar just the same.

The breathing. It was music. Like a song she has heard before. A song she has danced to before. A song she knows. Bar per bar. Note per note. Line per line. The rhythm. The melody. The harmony. The fading it and out of a stray note. She knows it. She’s listened to it before. She can sing it right now if she could make sense of this moment.  
And that touch. The warmth that rivals summers and could outlast every winter. It reminded her of a distant memory. A vacation she could have taken with her family to the southern beaches. It was free and relaxed and…safe. The scars. It feels like she carved them herself on a sculpture she created in one of her classes. She knows every turn and every corner of this palm like the surfaces of her canvass. It was like a map she’s read over and over again. But where does it lead to?

Lexa just stood there, poised, dignified and unyielding, as she studied Clarke almost intently and Clarke could finally feel her cheeks burn. She gently let go and turned away as quick as she could but not before she caught a glimpse of an emotion betrayed by Lexa’s stance.

Clarke tried to place it. Was the Commander insulted by the abrupt release? A small internal celebration of victory for outlasting her? Or was it relief because if she had the right mind to count, she would know that they held hands for over a minute.

Over a minute.

Over a minute to recognize someone you have never met before.

Lexa didn’t look at her but focused on Abby who started talking about the day’s activity. Soon the entire delegation followed inside the mansion and all that was left was Clarke standing between the main door, confused if the photographers have rendered her blind or if she just saw the sun.

“What is wrong with you?” Octavia’s voice shook her out of her gaze. “Why the hell did you drool on the Commander?”

Clarke grimaced. “I did not drool!”

“Puddle on the floor would beg to differ. What’s wrong?”

Clarke looked at Octavia and somehow felt dizzy. “O, when you said I’ve met her before, what did you mean?”

“That you’ve met her before. Were you trying to remember her? Is that why you wouldn’t let go of her hand?”

Clarke started walking to nowhere in particular, her hands making weird gestures in front of her which Octavia knows is a habit that manifests when the other girl is nervous or anxious about something. She muttered to herself and Octavia just followed, aware that they were nowhere near where they should be by now. She looked around and Clarke’s assigned guards kept a safe distance from them as they walk further and further away from where foreign delegation was being led.

“You’re making me dizzy” she said to Clarke when they stopped in the empty library. “Fess up, were you trying to remember her?”

“No, O. I wasn’t. And mom said we’ve never met. How did you know we have?”

Octavia shrugged. “I just heard it somewhere”

“Where?”

“Indra”

“The general of Lexa’s personal army? The one who’ll take you in as an apprentice?”

“Yeah, she was here a few days ago to check out the security risks and she said something like, it would be good that you two would finally meet again”

“But we’ve never met!”

“Well, according to her you have. And by the looks of you drooling and holding on to her hand like life depended on it, it’s as if you two know each other. I mean why else would you try to remember her?”

Clarke gave an inward groan of frustration. “That’s the thing though! I wasn’t trying to remember her!”

“Okay just drooling then” Octavia laughed.

“You’re not listening” Clarke said, her eyes as serious as they have ever been. Serious, curious and somewhat fearful of something. “I wasn’t trying to remember her. I just… I just do. Or did.”

Octavia raised an eyebrow at her friend, “That doesn’t make sense”

“Octavia, I remember her. Well, not her. I just—I feel like I know her.”

“She does have a reputation, Clarke”

“No. Not like that. Her eyes. Her lips. The way she breathes. Her touch? Her voice.”

“Okay, creeptastic friend of mine. Stalker much?”

“Octavia, I don’t know what it was. But, I need to talk to this Indra.”

Octavia scoffed, “She hates politicians. Or their daughters. Plus she’s the most loyal person to the Commander – she won’t talk to you unless ordered to. You know how they are. And what would you ask her? When was it exactly you met the Commander and how long you held hands the last time?”

Clarke sunk onto the nearest chair and just stared up the library’s ceiling painted with thousands of constellations.

One minute.

Just over one minute to recognize someone you have never met.

Just over one minute to remember someone you have no memories of.

Just over one minute.

It took her just over one minute to feel a whole lifetime spent with a stranger.

That is not normal. This is not normal.

She’s imagining this. This has got to be a joke.

They have never met before today.

She may not have done as much research on the Commander as her mother would have liked leading up to this visit but there was a piece of her that didn’t need to.

This cannot be real. The thoughts running through her head do not happen in real life. Someone was definitely pranking her, right? This is the pressure of being Abby’s daughter and the looming inevitability of med school finally getting to her.

This whole situation doesn’t make sense and the fact that she is stressing over it does not make sense. How can she entertain these thoughts? The number of scenarios running through her mind are all nothing short of ridiculous.

_You’re ridiculous, Clarke. You know better._

There is only one question that is not so ridiculous -- if they had met before, when? Vacation? School trip? Assemblies her father used to attend? Those scenarios made more sense. Her dad used to take her to official trips when she was really, really young. And she can’t remember half the people she’s encountered. She must be one of those kids.

Because they have met before.

The Commander is still an enigma.

But somehow, for some reason, she is a very familiar one.

It might be her imagination but she can’t shake off the feeling.

She knows her.

From somewhere.

From sometime.

**_We have met before._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slow start. It should pick up next chapter. This is my first time to write Clexa and I would love anything that could help me improve. Or we can just talk about them. 
> 
> Feedback welcome at hedaofmyheart88.tumblr.com


	2. Condundrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander, since her ascension, has never met anyone she could not read. 
> 
> Until now. 
> 
> She knows the purpose of this State visit. She had prepared for every possible scenario and while her head is still very clear and focused on her duties and objectives, she finds herself thinking of this…unexpected factor. She has a game plan on how to handle and interact with everyone in Arkadia.
> 
> Except for the Chancellor’s daughter.

(Lexa's POV) 

“Commander?”

Lexa stirred towards the voice and found herself face-to-face with her second-in-command. Anya, who is officially her highest ranking general, political adviser and all-around best friend, was more like her sister. The careful but concern-filled tone calling her attention immediately made her realize that she had zoned-out before she dismissed her council.

“You may leave” she told the small group sitting in a round table in the conference room of the Chancellor’s Mansion’s guest wing. “Anya, remain.”

Lexa waited for her council to leave and as soon as Anya closed the door behind them, she exhaled a huge chunk of breath she had been holding in from the minute she stepped off her limo.

“What is it?” Anya asked her from across the room. “Worried over tonight’s event?”

“No.”

“They have been very welcoming, Commander. And have shown no signs of a political ambush”

Lexa just nodded. She stood up and went to the open doors leading to the balcony. From there she could see the vast expanse of the Mansion’s property. She had an exclusive access of the Mansion’s extensive lawn. Beyond the gates of the property, she could see the open fields and very little trees in between small-domed buildings which she was going to tour in a couple of days. Then she squinted to focus on an obscured shrine she was eager to visit.

The outline afar, however, was more compelling. Mountains and mountains in the horizon. The Cold Mountains.

 “Do they know?” she whispered.

 “The threat?”

Lexa nodded again.

“I’m waiting for Indra to return with the report. Do you want me to send word for her now?”

Lexa shook her head. “I have another job for you.”

Anya met her eyes and knew that the very subtle trickle of panic in the Commander’s gaze had very little to do with political or military affairs. Lexa was very good at her job and was every bit the strong and independent leader that she is in their initial talks with the Chancellor. She had stuck to their purpose and all her questions had nothing to do with personal curiosities or probable secondary social aspects of their visit. In fact, there was no mention of those at all.

Except when the Chancellor’s daughter joined them later that day and had escorted them to the guest wing personally.

 The minute Clarke led them to the presidential suite of the wing where Lexa would be sleeping, Lexa had given Anya the weirdest and most confused look ever. Clarke bid them a polite good afternoon and was already at the door when Lexa finally managed to ask the one question that had nothing to do with their main agenda.

“Will I see you tonight?” she had asked.

Clarke hesitated for a split second before giving her a look no one dares to give the Commander of Blood. “Would you want to?”

Lexa gulped subtly. “I was told the Chancellor had deemed it to be an official state affair.”

“It is.”

Lexa stared wilfully at her, silently demanding an answer.

Clarke finally looked away, but with a rather playful smirk. “Yes.”

Lexa slightly raised an eyebrow, asking for an elaboration.

“Yes, you will see me tonight”

She left with a tiny but evident coy smile and Lexa never stared harder at a pair of closed doors in her life.

Anya chuckled at the memory. “Excuse me, Commander but this is very amusing.”

Lexa removed her gaze from the mountains and gave Anya an annoyed look. “It’s not what you think.”

“What is it exactly that I am thinking?” Anya teased.

If it is anyone else, Lexa would probably have had him thrown into jail for insubordination. But because it was the one person in the world who knows her behind the public persona, she gave in and allowed a defeated smile. She sat back down and focused her glance at the number of documents and intel on the conference table. One particular folder was labelled “C.G.”

“You told me she was in medical school” she scolded Anya.

“I told you she’s going to medical school. I don’t recall saying she’s there now. She only just committed recently. She still has a year in college left”

Lexa sighed, “I want you to learn more about her.”

“Any particular reason?”

“If this nation goes to war she will be a liability. She is an unaccounted for factor. I don’t want surprises.”

“What lies beyond those mountains will not want her” Anya reminded rather ominously.

Lexa scoffed. “No, they would want her mother. You and I both know that the quickest way to have the Chancellor bow down to their demands is if they have her daughter in their hands. I don’t intend to be helpless should we ever come to that”

“Commander, pardon me, but what difference would it make if she was here and if she were in medical school?”

“I can have my spies closer to her there. Less lines to cross or blur in neutral ground. You know this.”

Anya had to admire her -- Lexa always knows all the pieces in her chessboard. And she never overshares. “You didn’t bring this up in the meeting.”

“Security concerns.”

“And _her_ security suddenly became paramount?” Anya wondered out loud.

Lexa tried to deflect but she could feel Anya’s attention practically seeping through her skin. “Her fate will not lie in the hands of anyone I am wary of.”

“Of course, Commander. We can go with that. May I suggest you mobilize your spies now? While we are still here?”

“Too early. I need more information. Is that too difficult for you?” Lexa finally snapped.

Anya offered a patient look. “What do you want to know?”

“Important details.”

“You have a whole dossier on her, Commander.”

“And oddly enough, no covert operations can get one picture of her!”

Anya laughed.

“It is not funny.”

Anya wanted to argue but she noticed an unused reservation in Lexa’s body language. She wasn’t just curious about Clarke. She was anxious. Something about this girl was nagging the emotional fortress of the young commander. “What was it? That caught you off guard?”

Lexa shook her head. “I wasn’t.”

“Okay, then what is it that has you on edge? She’s not exactly the first pretty girl you have seen.”

“I didn’t say she’s pretty” Lexa grimaced through clenched teeth.

There are days she wished she could just command Anya into a mission like any soldier or spy. As much as she is used to people never questioning an order or a decision of hers, she sometimes welcomed the fact that Anya discusses everything with her first before acting on anything. It makes Lexa more confident in her decisions and Anya more effective in her job. This particular conversation, however, was beginning to be frustrating.

“Good. Cause she’s not that pretty.” Anya continued to test waters.

Lexa glared. “I didn’t say that either.”

“Dramatic, Commander. Always so dramatic”

“Will you do as you’re told?”

Anya gave a soft bow. “Will that be all?”

“No. One last thing. That girl with her earlier.”

Anya didn’t have to think hard on who the Commander was referring to. She too has been paying extra attention since they arrived. Just on a different girl. “Octavia Blake. I know of her. She’s Indra’s recruit. She will be heading to the Academy when we leave.”

Lexa considered for a minute. “She and—“

“Are best friends” Anya supplied. “Do you want information on her too?”

“No. But I do caution you.”

“Me?”

 Lexa gave her a tired glance, like she has had this conversation before and she was done with it. “I know you, Anya and you know the rules” she warned.

“You might want to be more blunt.”

“If you can keep your pants and hands to yourself, it would do all of us a world of good.”

Anya snorted. “Understood, Commander. Have a good rest.”

 Lexa waved her dismissively and as soon as she was alone, grabbed the dossier on Clarke. She has read it before but didn’t think much of it.

She knows the Chancellor’s daughter had no desires to be a politician or a soldier. She wasn’t supposed to be a factor in this visit.

Clarke Griffin attends official functions but stays away from the limelight as much as she could. She graduated top of her class in high school and got into Arkadia’s most prestigious university on a scholarship which she turned down in favour of someone who couldn’t afford it. She works in an art gallery and a chidlren’s hospital on her weekends and spends summers in the capital working on her late father’s initiatives or her mother’s current causes. She’s active in most children’s charities but never attends red carpet events. She is famous for actively staying away from any military occasions but has only been vocal about war crimes once. On her freshman year in college, Clarke had written a paper condemning the bombings in the War of the East.

Lexa was in her first ever war council when the crucial decision was made – the rebels would reach Polis if they don’t bomb the last of their barracks. So they did. They had their own men there, being held captive. There was not enough time to launch a rescue mission. So they didn’t. When the scouting party came to retrieve bodies and check for survivors, they found their own soldiers lying lifeless with their enemies.

The then-Commander had sent Lexa with the scouts and had the specific task of accounting for all their dead soldiers. She left her tent in their camp and walked through the field of corpses. She counted the body bags, checked off her list and travelled in the same chopper with her fallen comrades. She listened to one of the scouts from a nearby encampment explain to her what they saw when the bombs fell.

No one stood a chance. The plan worked. No one stood a chance surviving it.

It was a monumental moment for her. It was when she realized the fate that awaited her was greater than herself. To be the best Commander for her people, it would one day fall upon her to make the hardest of choices.

Lexa pushed the memory to the back of her mind and flipped through the pages of the dossier and found a recent newspaper clipping about Clarke. The article said that a few months after the death of the then-Chancellor, Clarke’s father, she had opened an art exhibit of some of her personal paintings. The paintings told stories of her late father. The proceeds from the exhibit were for a charity her father loved dearly. There was a short interview where she was asked if painting was her way of grieving. She said she didn’t grieve as much as she chose to celebrate her father’s life.

“You are difficult not to admire, Clarke” Lexa said, as she traced the headline of the article. Again, no picture. “But what are you hiding?”

She closed the folder, left the conference room and headed straight for her suite when she stopped on her tracks. It didn’t seem like she was going to wait for too long to find answers to her questions. She walked slowly, giving a flick of her hand to make Gus, the head of her security, drop a few paces behind her. She stopped just a behind a pillar near the doors to her suite.

Anya was there, talking to Octavia, while Clarke stood listening to the animated conversation between the two ladies.

Lexa was never one to eavesdrop, even when she was younger but every time Clarke would offer a few words in the conversation, she found herself wanting to hear more. She heard Anya ask if they could get a private tour of Arkadia in the coming days. There were two free days in their schedule.

Unable to contain herself, she stepped out of her hiding place and cleared her throat.

The three ladies looked up at her and Anya gave a soft bow before acquainting her with the discussion that she was eavesdropping on. “Commander, I was making friends on your behalf. We have been invited for a night out with Miss Griffin’s friends tomorrow night.”

Lexa looked at Clarke who just smiled and nodded at her. “With my mother’s permission.”

“Thank you.”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Octavia, why don’t you show me the barracks?”

“Now?”

“Yes, now. And maybe we can discuss that private tour”

“What if we don’t get back to the dinner on time?” Octavia asked with a suspicious tone.

“We’ll be quick. I’ll get you back on time. I promise.” Anya solemnly replied as though it was a vow.

“I should join you” Lexa said, suddenly anxious.

Anya shook her head. “You said you were tired from the travel, Commander.”

Lexa was about to protest when she saw Octavia and Clarke exchange a look. The suppressed grin on the latter girl’s face told her better stay put so she gave an approving look at Anya and watched them leave hurriedly. She swore she heard giggles by the time they disappeared at the end of the hall.

She opened the doors to her suit and was surprised when Clarke followed her in. Without her permission or invitation. She narrowed her eyes at her but when the other girl seemed unfazed and completely unapologetic, she decided not to say anything about it. She sat on the bed, not sure what to do and just waited for Clarke to speak.

Clarke didn’t. She merely contented herself looking at the paintings mounted on the wall.

“Are any of those yours?” Lexa finally asked when the silence was starting to feel all too comfortable.

Comfortable silence was unfamiliar as it is dangerous to Lexa.

She often craved for silence in Polis. But she has seen too much and had done enough to make it almost impossible to enjoy the beauty of it. Silence leads to too much thinking and her thoughts and memories would overpower her if she let them. She often made it a point to never allow her mind to be idle. The images in her head would haunt her too much.

Her affair with silence would only ever last until the first threat of an emotional turmoil.

The comfort shared between her and this girl she just met was strange to her. She found herself suddenly feeling unguarded and peculiarly comfortable. Two things which would eventually lead to ruin.

“Sorry?”

“The paintings”

“Oh, no. These are collections belonging the Office of the Chancellor. They’ve been here for years, growing in number over time.” Clarke explained. She strolled slowly towards the bed. “You know I paint”

It wasn’t a question but Lexa felt compelled to explain herself. Another feeling she is unaccustomed to. She quickly shook of that reaction.

“Yes.”

“Hmm. Your research must be inadequate” Clarke half-joked.

“You have no idea” Lexa muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing. Why do you say my research is inadequate?”

 Clarke shrugged, sat relaxed on the chaise lounge near the bed before holding her gaze. “You only know I paint and not that I’m not that good at it yet. My work aren't at all as amazing.”

Lexa stared back at her and tried to remember any of the paintings from the article she just read but locking eyes with Clarke made that feat tougher than imagined. They had locked eyes earlier and as much as she found it weird and unorthodox, she had enjoyed every second of it.

She had always found blue eyes to be a cliché. So they’re like oceans, deep and mysterious, then what? Beautiful, yes but she is not the biggest fan of the ocean or beaches. Or just the color blue, in general.

But she does love the sky.

And Clarke’s particular brand of blue is like the sky. The sky on a summer day, free of clouds and of rain. The sky on a summer’s night, free of the cold.

 _Free._ Unafraid. The kind you can’t stop staring at because they can hold the stars and the moon and the sun altogether and would just keep you wondering how. Strong. Resilient. Boundless but not intimidating as stormy seas or raging waves. A silent force. A calm dignity. A still comfort. A stronghold.

They reminded her of a home she never had. A home that until that very minute, she didn’t know she wanted.

“No, they’re better” she heard herself speak.

Was this how it feels to be in a trance, to be spellbound by an unknown magic?

She has heard stories from some of her scouts. They spoke of places she’s never been to and would claim that there is magic in the world. Dark magic that would render a whole army captivated or at the very least the bravest and most formidable soldier useless while under a spell. She laughed them off and ordered them to further training or psychological evaluation.

No such enchantment exists.

Except now, while her thoughts are very much in her control, she found herself mesmerized. And unable to stop herself from speaking praises.

“No, they’re not. I have a long way to go to be worthy” Clarke argued with a soft chuckle. “You don’t know art either, do you?”

“Apparently, you don’t know protocol”

“Ah, you’re not used to people telling you you’re wrong?”

Lexa glared, “I’m not used to being wrong.”

“Are you trying to be threatening, Commander?” Clarke sounded like she was teasing but Lexa caught something in the tone of her voice. It was a tone she is more than familiar with. Nerves. Maybe a hint of fear.

“I’m trying to remind you of your place,” she replied, feigning smugness.

Clarke stood up and stopped just a few steps away from Lexa. “I apologize. But you are wrong.”

“I wasn’t referring to your paintings” Lexa admitted, standing up and meeting Clarke at eye level. She took a step forward and whether it was voluntary or involuntary, Clarke almost jumped a step backwards.

Lexa took another step, closing the gap between them. She could feel Clarke’s controlled breathing. She could smell her cologne. It had a distant trace of a summer breeze. She grinned inwardly. There’s a theme to this girl and while she could not figure it out just yet, she feels she would enjoy putting the pieces together.

Clarke stood her ground and Lexa took one final step to effectively diminish any space between them. She leaned in closer, her nose just brushing Clarke’s. She could practically hear the thunder from Clarke’s chest, and she saw it, the storm in the azure of her eyes. She heard the soft whimper escape Clarke’s lips as she softly swept her nose by her cheek.

“I meant your eyes” she whispered, her lips barely a breath away from Clarke’s ear.

“Oh” Clarke whispered back, her voice cracking in that single syllable.

Lexa raised a gentle hand and tucked some of Clarke’s stray her behind her ear. “Oh?”

“Hmm” Clarke seemed to whimper again.

Lexa pulled away softly but still kept their distance virtually inexistent.

“Is that a word?” she asked, the intimacy in her voice sending goosebumps down both of their spines.

“Yeah?” Clarke managed to choke out, her face all flushed.

Lexa took in her eyes again. It took all of her strength not to smile at Clarke when every fiber of her being was practically throwing fireworks. She likes this situation even when she makes no sense of it. She liked the proximity of her chest to that of Clarke’s or the fact that they have yet to break eye contact or that they were practically exchanging breaths.

She disregarded what she read in that dossier earlier.

Here was what she wanted to know, to learn, to study…to master. This person. The resolve behind her eyes. The purpose to her breaths. The secrets to her soul. This person, this girl…this being will not be summarized in a folder. She didn’t know why or how but she was sure that Clarke deserved poetry. History books. Epic ballads.

“Clarke” she breathed.

“Yes?”

“Do you still want to lecture me about art when I think I have already seen the best of it?”

Clarke gulped at the question and finally a smile escaped from Lexa’s lips.

“I—“ she started to reply when there was a loud knock on the door.

Never had Lexa felt the need to kill whoever was on the other side more. She took a small step backward before calling out permission to enter her room.

“Commander, I was told – I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company”

“I would guess not” she muttered and from the corner of her eye, she saw Clarke relax a little into a knowing grin. “Indra, this is Clarke Griffin. The Chancellor’s daughter.”

Indra gave a courteous but cold nod of acknowledgment towards Clarke’s direction.

Clarke, on the other hand, finally surrendered her space and walked towards Indra, offering her hand. “General. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. Octavia has glowing evaluations of you”

Indra shook it tentatively and ignored what she said.

“Commander, I was told to report to you immediately?”

“Your adherence to ‘immediately’ is astounding” Lexa said, trying to completely dismiss the moment she shared with Clarke.

“I should get going then” Clarke said, understanding the need for privacy. She smiled at the Lexa, “If you have the time, Commander. I shall take you up on that lesson. Please don’t forget about tomorrow night.”

“I will see you tonight” Lexa answered. She meant it to be a statement. A confirmation or maybe even an ordered reminder. She hated how it sounded more like a hopeful question.

“See you tonight.”

When she left, Lexa studied Indra who looked to be in deep thoughts.

“Bad news?” she asked, sitting on the lounge occupied by Clarke earlier.

“No. Not yet.”

Lexa waited for further details but it didn’t look like Indra had anything to report at all. She looked like she was the one in need to be reported on. If a list of people she trusted existed, Indra would be second only to Anya and it was disconcerting to see the apparent distaste she had for Clarke. While it doesn’t amount to fear, the way Indra studied Clarke reflected images of horrific caution.

Like Indra knew something she didn’t. And she wasn’t even there for majority of the time shared between Clarke and her.

“Speak” she ordered her general.

“Commander, please forgive my intrusion, but what exactly did I walk in on?”

Lexa took a slow, temperate deep breath.

Good question. What was it?

Did Clarke just politely escort her back to her suite as any host would? Was she there to make sure she has everything she needed and to see to it that she was comfortable? Or was it a strategic political maneuver geared towards whatever agenda? She wasn’t even invited in so it hardly counts as a courteous act.

You don’t blush at politics.

You don’t get goosebumps either.

You certainly don’t crave for it.

Or her.

Whatever it was, it lasted in a different timespan, in a parallel universe where Lexa momentarily forgot that this world and its qualms existed. It was in a different time, a different reality, a different lifetime.

And she knew. She knew without a doubt, whether she ever admits it to anyone or not, the minute she pulled away, the minute she took a step back, the second the knock was heard and the second Clarke broke free of that realm they shared, she missed her.

She has not missed anyone for a very long time. Yet, here she was – missing someone she only met a few hours ago. Missing someone after only sharing maybe five uninterrupted and unguarded minutes with. Was it five minutes or five eternities?

It can’t have been five eternities. They were too short-lived.

“A conundrum” she replied after controlled heartbeats.

Clarke Griffin was a spell.

An enchantment that didn’t exist.

An unexpected factor.

One she needs to thread very carefully.

A feeling she never knew she could feel.

Or wanted to feel.

 An adoration that could lead home.

Or to ruin.

  ** _What magic are you hiding?_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback, suggestions, comments, discussion and anything else welcome at hedaofmyheart88.tumblr.com


	3. Unsung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dance with me.” 
> 
> Clarke has had dances before but she knew that the minute she placed her hand on the Commander’s, this was the dance that would change everything.

(Clarke's POV)

The pictures of that afternoon kept flashing back in Clarke’s mind as she let her make-up team doll her up for the state dinner happening in less than an hour. She had gone to see Lexa to ask her about what Indra had said to Octavia but her attempts to be casual about it had been foiled because ten minutes after she and Octavia had basically set up camp outside Lexa’s door, Anya came and busted them.

Anya didn’t at all seem interested in her though. She barely said a couple of words to her and it wasn’t until she extended an informal invitation that the attention shifted towards her. For a second or two. Then Anya went back to Octavia, private tours and free time. And Octavia some more.

This cannot be possibly happening to her.

Then later in Lexa’s room. That was definitely more than just flirting. Her mother would probably send her off to military school if she found out about that exchange. She didn’t mean for it. She really was there for business but it’s hard to be professional when there’s this other soul practically calling out to you. That’s what it was, wasn’t it? Lexa’s soul calling out to hers.

She was being beckoned.

And she fell through that trap hole like it was the easiest thing in the world.

She still can’t explain it but the minute Lexa closed the gaps between them, she knew that she has felt this before. This enormity of earths quaking and stars crashing into oceans dancing and suns exploding into the background.

But that’s the thing though. Clarke has never been in-love. Not seriously anyway. She’s always been too busy with school and she’s always had to be careful with who she surrounds herself with. She’s had her fair share of dates, flirtatious relationships and a fling or two but she has never actually been in love. So this cannot be love.

She cannot be falling for someone in less than 24 hours.

And she cannot be falling for the Commander of Blood.

“Earth to Clarke”

Clarke opened her eyes and found her make-up team was gone. Octavia was standing in front of her in a long red gown, with a neckline and slit that could tempt the most pious of saints.

Clarke wolf-whistled, “Damn, girl. You trying to get me to bed?”

Octavia rolled her eyes, “If you weren’t already all over someone else, I might consider it.”

She walked over to Clarke and held out a small, black and rectangular box with a red ribbon tied around it. “A gift.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “From?”  


“Well, not me obviously. This is hardly something I can afford”

Clarke took the box and carefully examined it. It wasn’t Arkadian so it’s probably not from her mother but then again her mom does splurge on her once in a while so she opened it excitedly and gasped when she found a long golden necklace with a solitary blue gem hanging on as a pendant.

The gem was tiny, no bigger than half an inch in diameter but it glowed in brilliance. She placed it under one of her lamps to study it but before she could turn the lamp on, she noticed that it seemed to glow brighter in the dark. The clarity seemed to get purer.

She stared back at Octavia who was eyeing her closely.

“Who is this from?”

Octavia shifted.

“Don’t tell me it’s from your brother”

“Oh please. As if” Octavia scoffed before taking the necklace gently and gesturing or Clarke to turn around so she can put it on her. She carefully locked the hook of the chain and stare at both their reflections on the mirror. “It’s from Anya.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Why would the Commander’s second-in-command give me a necklace?”

“Because the Commander spent about half an hour pacing in her suite and debating how to give it to you.”

“No way?”

“So I heard anyway. Anya finally gave up, took the necklace and asked me to give it to you”

Clarke traced her fingers on the gem. “This is from Lexa?”

“Correct, Princess.”

“It’s…beautiful.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “It’s actually kinda perfect on you.”

“We should get going or we’ll be late”

Clarke practically dashed towards her door when she heard the snickering behind her. She slowly turned and chastised her friend with a look. “It’s not like that at all.”

“Like you suddenly can’t wait to see her?”

“My mom expects me to be there” Clarke tried to say that as simply as she could but she knew that the minute the words left her mouth, they sounded like the lamest excuse that they truly are.

“Can I ask you something? Before we teleport to the main ballroom?”

“If it will actually make you walk faster, go ahead”

“Do you like her?”

Clarke grimaced. “I just met her today, Octavia. Can we go now?”

Octavia shook her head and assumed a sentinel position like she was a soldier on guard. “Not until you answer.”

“She’s interesting. And I told you, there was something about her earlier. Like—a connection that I cannot explain so of course I’m interested of learning more about her” Clarke admitted and once again she could hear the defensive in her tone. “And besides, after what happened in her room, I don’t think I can—“

“What the heck happened in her room?! What did you do when we left?!”

Clarke groaned. “If we leave for the dinner now, I promise I will tell you everything later.”

“I’m sleeping over then” Octavia finally relaxed her stance. She followed Clarke out of the room and they teased each other all the way to the ballroom.

The room was already packed with people and they had to be ushered to the front where Abby was already waiting. She smiled and kissed both the girls before introducing them to some dignitaries and guests. She eyed Clarke carefully, assessing what was different about her. She was starting to wave off that nagging sense when her inspection zeroed in on the necklace hanging just above her daughter’s cleavage.

Abby stared longer than she intended, then looked away quickly but not quick enough for Clarke to notice that she had tensed.

“Mom?” she whispered when the guests finally started making their way to their seats. “Is something wrong?”

“Where did you buy the necklace?” Abby asked her softly, not wanting anyone, even Octavia to hear.

“It’s a gift. Why?”

“It just…reminded me of something. It’s beautiful, Clarke. And you are simply radiant tonight” Abby replied in her trademark warmth. She gave her daughter another kiss before reaching for Octavia. “You too, dear. Stunning.”

“Thank you, Chancellor. That was the goal.”

“I’m afraid I might have a bit of a bad news”

Octavia frowned. She knows Clarke was trying to get the Chancellor to stop her move to Polis. What if something fell apart and she really won’t get to go?

“Raven is here”

“She is?” both Clarke and Octavia exclaimed, in very different tones.

Clarke immediately scanned the room to look for their friend with excitement while Octavia just stood there, trying to manage shock, horror and her own version of anticipation. She didn’t bother following Clarke’s trained eyes but when she heard a stifled squeal, she knew what it meant.

“Oh…” Clarke murmured to her mother. “Really, mom? Really?”

“It’s not the end of the world, you two” Abby said with a smile. “Clarke, come to our table. You can say hi later. Octavia? Be gentle, won’t you?”

Abby left the two girls staring at each other, hoping one had an answer to a three year unspoken problem that they’ve had. Clarke gave Octavia a commiserating look before pushing her towards the table where Raven was sitting. Also the very same table Clarke knew Octavia was assigned to. Tonight is going to be something.

She sat beside her mother in the Chancellor’s high table, “Why did you make Raven sit there?”

“I didn’t. She’s a last-minute addition and I simply said not to put her in the back. She’s one of your best friends, Clarke”

Clarke glanced at the table again where both Raven and Octavia managed not to kill each other. “Yeah before she fell for my other best friend and stopped talking to me when that didn’t work out. You know she still thinks I had something to do with the fact that Octavia shot her down, right?”

“She misses you. And Octavia”

Clarke sighed. “You always liked her best”

Abby nodded softly, reaching for her daughter’s hair and stroking the strands gently. “You know I’ve always trusted you, right? When it comes to choosing the company you keep, I mean.”

“I know.”

“I just wanted to—“

The rest of Abby’s sentence were lost in the wind because the rest of the room started to hush down to whispers as the change in the music announced the arrival of the Commander and her delegation. Abby stood up and waited for the small procession to reach their table and when their guests was halfway towards them, she turned to whisper to Clarke but found her daughter still sitting down, jaws practically locked open.

“Clarke, stand up” she ordered. She watched as Clarke practically had to pull herself up, in the slowest, most pained possible way, eyes transfixed on the Commander.

Clarke stopped hearing her mother’s words. She couldn’t even hear the music. Or the whispers and the small applause that her mother started which the room followed as soon as the Commander reached their table. She couldn’t hear anything. Or see anything.

When Lexa stood about a step away from her, she couldn’t breathe. And instead of trying to, she was reduced to praying that she won’t faint. Or that she wasn’t already drooling. Or gawking. Or if she’s already committing all of these, hopefully it’s not that obvious.

Lexa gave her the smallest of smiles that she was sure no one else caught it. Why would anyone catch an obviously hidden smile when they can just stare at the rest of her?

Very carefully, Clarke regarded Lexa from head to toe. She had expected Lexa to be in some kind of military gala uniform, fully covered and authoritative. Intimidating, even. Well, she still is. Authoritative and intimidating but the fact that she came in a sleek black gemmed long gown, hugging her body perfectly and exposing curves and skin Clarke has not seen before, literally sends all her senses to overdrive. She can feel her face burn and the sweat slowly beading on her forehead.

She didn’t hear a single thing her mother said in the welcome speech before dinner and when dinner officially started, she couldn’t taste whatever it was on her plate. Halfway through the meal, the Chancellor excused herself to attend to something, leaving the seat separating the two of them empty. A second or two after Abby left, Clarke heard Lexa clear her throat. She looked over and saw the Commander keeping her gaze straight at the ballroom where people were now starting to dance. She was about to try and pretend that she was interested in her meal when Lexa spoke.

“You wore it”

Is it possible for the quietest of voices to overpower an entire loudness of a room? Because that’s what Lexa’s statement did. Music, chatter, plates and forks and spoons and even the whole movement and atmosphere of the room had absolutely no hold on Clarke the second she heard Lexa speak.

She gathered herself to reply, her hands instinctively touching the gem hanging around her neck.

“Yeah. It’s a beautiful gift” she replied, looking at Lexa who was still staring at everywhere except her. “Thank you.”

Lexa nodded like it wasn’t a big deal but something in her eyes – the ones now actively avoiding her – confirmed that it was a big deal. A very big deal because as pretty as they are, they don’t exactly shine like dancing stars every minute of the day.

Clarke smiled too, which Lexa seemed to have seen from a stolen glance.

“What is it?”

“Octavia told me something when she gave me the necklace” Clarke replied with a hint of mischievous coyness.

Lexa finally gave in and met her eyes. Like she has before, she wordlessly required for an elaboration.

“Well, she said you spent some time trying to decide how to give this to me.”

Lexa considered for a moment and Clarke’s grin grew bigger the longer the moment dragged on. “I think it’s cute.”

“You said it’s beautiful”

“I meant it’s cute that you paced in your room while trying to decide how to give me a gift that you really didn’t have to give me.”

Lexa’s eyes suddenly sharpened. “Paced?”

Clarke immediately realized that she must have said too much. Maybe she shouldn’t have given that information away if it suddenly made Lexa uncomfortable.

“Um—“

“I’m glad you like it, Clarke” Lexa cut her off then turned around to Anya. “A word?”

“Commander, please don’t get mad at her” Clarke pleaded in a whisper. She could see her mother making her way back towards their table and she really does not want to share any part of this conversation.

Lexa slowly faced her again. “I’m not. Did you think I was?”

Clarke nodded, not sure what this new tone from Lexa was.

“Does that scare you?”

“That you might be angry?”

“Yes.”

“No” Clarke responded to quickly. She was scared but not because Lexa might be angry or offended. She was scared Lexa would stop talking to her tonight. Or tomorrow. Or just would stop sharing this softer, less formal side.

For the rest of the night, Lexa and her mother moved around the room meeting one politician, diplomat and other high-society guests. She, on the other hand, just stayed in her seat, smiled and gave small talk to whoever would approach her. Her eyes never left Lexa though. In fact, towards the end of the evening, she was sure her eyes, Indra and Gus were the only things in that room which didn’t leave Lexa’s side. And she was sure that she was being watched as well. When she finally stood up from her seat, she realized Anya had not left the table and only made a move to do so when she did.

“Do you want to join me?” she asked Anya who didn’t look like she needed an invitation.

Anya smirked at her. “I didn’t think you would notice me”

“I’m sorry. I was being rude. I just had a lot of things in my mind tonight. I apologize.”

“A lot? I was under the impression you only had one”

Now, Clarke was sure she would faint. She hated having eyes on her and the fact that it’s now clear that Anya had been studying her all night as closely as she was studying Lexa just made her feel sick. And ashamed. Mostly sick.

“I won’t tell if you won’t” Anya teased. “Besides, she knows”

“She knows I’ve been staring at her all night?”

Anya shook her head slightly. “She knows what you know.”

“Which is what exactly?”

“There’s something going on between the two of you that neither of you can explain” Anya said in a dramatic and melodic statement of certainty.

Clarke felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand. “How do you know that?”

Anya just shrugged. “Because I know her.”

“I’m not sure what you’re saying” Clarke admitted, walking slowly but tilting her head invitingly at Anya.

“I know she feels. There is a heart in her…somewhere and it feels. Or at least it started to after it hasn’t in what feels like a lifetime.”

“Anya, I’m not a very poetic person so I honestly don’t know what you are trying to tell me here”

“There hasn’t been a female Commander of Polis for over a hundred of years. But ever since she was younger, everyone knew she would become legendary. Nothing fazes her. Nothing confounds her. And no one has ever made her…vulnerable. Until she met you.”

“I don’t make her vulnerable” Clarke argued. “Why would you say that? She’s one of the most powerful people in the world and I’m just somebody’s daughter.”

“You misunderstood. You’re not a threat to her. And I know you won’t harm her” Anya explained very patiently that it made Clarke feel like she was back in kindergarten again. “And you don’t make her weak in the eyes of the world.”

“You just said-“

“I know what I said.”

“Well, it seems that I don’t understand.”

“The Commander isn’t used to…connections and attachments” Anya continued in the same all-too-patient voice. “You would do well, Clarke, to remember that she’s not typical. She is not ordinary. And neither is her fate”

“I still don’t understand.”

Anya looked at her with a fiery sense of sincerity. “I don’t suppose you do. And it’s not in my place to make you understand just yet. But, like I said, there is something going on between the two of you which neither of you can explain. Thread carefully.”

Clarke stared back at her. She knew this was friendly advice from someone who is not exactly a friend just yet. She knew this was a personal and non-political exchange from someone who was there on purely political reasons. She knew this was coming from the closest person to Lexa and was being said to her who is not at all close to the Commander.

It was beginning to feel less like advice and more like a threat.

She gulped slightly and just gave a courteous nod. She spotted the only two people who were still glued to their seats and gave a sigh of relief.

“Let me introduce you to a friend of mine” she said.

Anya followed her gaze and without invitation, hooked her arms in the crook of hers and smiled, “Lead the way.”

“It might get awkward” Clarke offered in a softer voice as they walked very slowly towards Octavia’s table.

“An ex-girlfriend or a major political player?”

“Neither.”

Anya stared at her and waited for an explanation before moving on. Clarke had to mentally stop herself from inquiring if this was a Polis thing – demanding for answers without actually demanding them.

“The three of us grew up together” she started. It might also be a Polis thing to make her just talk away. “Octavia was a popular girl with both the ladies and the men and somewhere between sleepovers and picking out universities, Raven realized she’s always known what those ladies and men…felt.”

“I see. And it turned out badly.”

“It didn’t turn into anything” Clarke said sadly and regretfully. She started walking again when Anya pulled her to a stop. Again. “What now?”

“It’s not your fault. What happened or didn’t happen between them. It’s not your fault.”

“I didn’t say that it was.”

“But you feel like it” Anya said dismissively.

Clarke ignored the comment and finally managed to lead Anya to where Octavia and Raven were awkwardly sitting. She moved towards Raven and gave her a hug. When she finally let go, worried that she acted too quickly, she immediately looked for a reaction on the other girl’s face.

“I missed you too, Princess” Raven, tan-skinned and all, beamed.

“I keep telling you people to stop calling me that” Clarke laughed as she hugged her friend again.

“You always answer to it though”

“That’s what O keeps sa—“

Twenty sentimental seconds and awkward silence again.

Anya cleared her throat. It was like Lexa, Clarke thought, only less sexy.

“Oh right. Raven, this is Anya, the Commander’s second-in-command” Clarke introduced them.

“She’s a General” Octavia supplied in a tone that was meant to correct Clarke.

“Just ‘Anya’ is fine” Anya said as she shook Raven’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Engineer. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you.”

Clarke and Octavia looked at each other, both puzzled.

“I’m not an engineer yet” Raven grinned. “But thanks and pleasure to meet you too.”

“Clarke, can we talk for a second?” Octavia said, standing up. “Raven?”

Raven just stared blankly at her.

“Please keep our guest company.”

“You’re leaving?” Anya asked her.

“I need a word with Clarke just for a bit.”

“Hurry back” Anya said with a wink.

“Okaaaay” Octavia muttered, pulling Clarke briskly towards the glass doors at the other side of the room and opened them, leading the both of them to a wide, rather chilly, dark and empty balcony.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked, watching Octavia pace.

Octavia gave her a look saying that it was a stupid question. “That was the most awkward dinner I have ever had in my entire life. The people on that table expected us to talk like we still know each other like before! Literally expected us to talk and we didn’t – couldn’t, wouldn’t - but everytime a conversation would pick up, we would chime in at literally the exact same time with the exact same thoughts! And they would give us this look like we planned it but we couldn’t even meet each other’s eyes!”

Clarke tried to give her a sympathetic look but was actually suppressing a fond laugh.

“You two used to agree at everything, read each other’s minds, finish each other’s sentences and just…clicked.”

Octavia huffed a sad sigh, “I know.”

Clarke spread her arms as an invitation for a hug which Octavia took without hesitation. A part of her is thankful that Raven is back because they were pretty close too but a part of her feels for the girl in her arms. The girl who lost a friend simply because she could not love another friend as more than a friend. She knows Raven is hurting too. The more she thought about it, it was actually odd because the two didn’t even have a fight. They just stopped talking. And for a while both of them didn’t talk to Clarke too. Because they both knew that Clarke knew exactly how they both felt or didn’t feel and said nothing to either of them.

Octavia forgave her quicker but they were roommates in their freshmen year in college so there was very little room to hold a grudge. Raven barely spoke to her in the last three years. Tonight was a pleasant surprise.

But that didn’t mean that Anya’s words weren’t ringing in Clarke’s head. She was right. Clarke does feel like all of it was her fault. She wondered how long until she pays for it.

“Thank you, Princess” Octavia said softly, pulling away from her. She turned away, hiding the tear that had escaped her well-controlled tear ducts. “Sorry to dampen your evening”

“You didn’t. I was actually coming over to ask for a favor”

“Yeah? What?”

Clarke shifted her weight from one foot to another before muttering, “Indra…”

“What?”

“I need to talk to Indra.”

“I thought you already met her?” Octavia asked with a frown, the drama of the last few minutes completely forgotten.

“I couldn’t exactly tell her ‘hey Octavia told me you said I’ve already met the Commander before?’ while Lexa was a few steps away, still fresh from completely flushing me”

“What do you mean ‘flushing’?!”

“Will you focus?” Clarke scolded with a bitter laugh. “I need to ask Indra about what she said because I swear I think everybody on Lexa’s delegation knows there’s something going on here that I am missing.”

Octavia smirked. “Well then. General? Clarke would like a word with you.”

“Very funny.”

“Hardly.”

Clarke closed her eyes as the word came with a voice she recognized from earlier. She plastered an apologetic smile on her semi-frozen face before facing Indra.

“Anya is looking for you” Indra told Octavia.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later. You’re sleeping over, right?”

Octavia nodded, gave Clarke a supportive squeeze on the shoulder before rushing out of the balcony like she was just sent to battle.

“What is it you need?” Indra asked when they were finally alone. She had not moved from where she stood when she announced herself and didn’t look like she would any time soon.

It was a menacing stance and while Anya may have threatened her sweetly earlier, she knows for sure Indra was making no attempts at being subtle about her disregard of her.

“I need to ask you about something you told Octavia” Clarke said carefully. “But before that, may I ask if I have offended you?”

“You have not”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Funny way of showing it”

“I am not put on this earth to be funny”

Clearly, thought Clarke. “If I did, I would like to apologize for it. I am not very attuned to your customs just yet”

“When I say ‘no’ I mean no. What is your question, Clarke Griffin?”

Clarke wanted to press on about what it is she did to make Indra this hostile towards her but she knew she didn’t have much time. Her mother would be looking for her soon and she was pretty sure if she didn’t return in the ballroom, a lot will be written of her absence in tomorrow’s papers.

Plus, what if Lexa was already dancing with…whoever.

“Octavia said that you told her that Lexa—“ Clarke stopped mid-sentence when Indra’s eyes narrowed at the informal term. “That the Commander and I have met before? I’ve never met her. What made you say that I have?”

Indra scoffed. “Baffling how the young mind works”

“Young mind?”

“Do you know that memories can fail you?” Indra asked, surprising Clarke as she took a few steps forward until she reached the guard-rails of the balcony. She fixed her eyes on The Cold Mountains partially hidden from this angle of the Mansion. “Memories fail, but souls do not.”

“I would remember if I met her” Clarke said, joining Indra by the guard-rails but keeping her distance. “I don’t think I would ever forget”

“Be careful with your words, Clarke Griffin” Indra warned with an icy smile that made Clarke feel colder than she already was.

“I was just wondering why you would say that it would be good for us to meet again when we haven’t.”

“You not remembering and you never meeting are two different things.”

“I told you, had I met her before, I wouldn’t forget her” Clarke insisted. She has not completely understood any of what these guests have said all night but she was sure. If she had met Lexa before, she would sooner forget her own name before forgetting her.

Indra pried her eyes away from the mountains and fixed them on the necklace Clarke was wearing. “Memories fail,” she repeated in a whisper with the same all-too-patient tone Anya had employed earlier only hers was harsher. “Souls do not”

Clarke touched the pendant, seemingly shielding it from Indra’s chilly tone.

“Do not lose that” Indra said when she realized that Clarke was on the defensive. And as if she had eyes that can see in the dark, she gave a soft bow at a shadow by the glass doors. Clarke squinted to see who was there.

“Commander” Indra said before leaving the balcony.

Lexa stepped out from where she was standing with a curious look on her face. She glided to where Indra was standing, next to Clarke and unlike earlier, didn’t avoid eye contact.

“How long were you there?” Clarke asked, scared Lexa will say she heard everything.

“Eight heartbeats”

“Is that how you count seconds in Polis, Commander?”

Lexa’s smirky smile creeped through her face and Clarke had to remind herself not to faint again.

“No.”

Something about short syllables and single words escaping from Lexa’s lips makes Clarke think about what Indra said of memories failing. She knows she’s never met Lexa but she also knows that she knows this way of talking. She knows this careful, timid and calculated tone. She knows – at least she thinks she does – that she’s had hundreds of conversations with this kind of practical gentleness.

“It is how I’ve been counting time whenever you are close” Lexa said, her trained eyes set on every reaction Clarke’s face may give away.

“Oh?”

Lexa nodded.

“And in eight heartbeats, what did you hear?” Clarke asked after a hitched breath.

Lexa’s eyes trailed down from Clarke’s, to her lips, her neck, her chest…to the pendant.

“Oh” Clarke breathed.

“It is good advice”

“One that I don’t need”

Lexa smiled widely, taking Clarke off-guard. Here, in a dark and chilly balcony, away from everyone but the shadows and the moon, the Commander of Blood smiled at her. Clarke swears the moon’s light bounced – no, danced – off Lexa’s face, making it shine brighter than any of the stars in the night. She could see the reflection of the pale mountains behind them in Lexa’s eyes. She could see the reflection of the North Star attempting to steal back the glow from Lexa. She could see the reflection of everything that light can bounce at in the eyes which held her own.

She can see the universe in Lexa’s eyes.

Which is a terrifying thought because in five heartbeats – yes, heartbeats and yes, she is counting time by heartbeats now – she saw herself. Lexa held all of her in her eyes. Unrivalled by mountains, moons and stars, she saw her reflection amidst the universe in Lexa’s eyes.

“Um-“

“Dance with me”

Clarke heard her. She just thought she heard wrong. She was also sure that the music from the ballroom didn’t spill into the balcony since Indra had closed the glass doors behind her.

“What?” she blurted, panic flooding into her eyes.

“Dance with me” Lexa repeated.

It wasn’t a question.

It wasn’t an invitation.

It wasn’t a command.

It wasn’t a plea.

Clarke heard it as a song that she couldn’t say no to.

“There’s no music” she said more to herself than as a reply.

“Heartbeats”

Clarke stared. Now, she knows she heard that wrong. “What?”

Lexa offered her hand and waited wordlessly for her to take it. Three heartbeats, Clarke counted, before she took it.

The warmth she had noted earlier, when the first met, was still there. She knew her palm must be practically chilled by now because she does get cold easily but apparently Lexa’s warmth was a constant. In a freezing night, she was still a welcoming flame of safety and a hearth of tender surrender. She allowed the Commander gently grip her hand and raise it in the proper position for a waltz. Lexa broke eye contact and glanced at Clarke’s other hand, still at her sides.

Clarke was unsure where to put it. Shoulder? Hip? Waist?

Lexa seemed have read her mind and with purposeful hold, placed her own hand just behind Clarke’s waist before ever so smoothly pulling her closer, once again bridging whatever gap was between them.

Clarke cautiously placed her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and breathed a thank you to herself for not collapsing at the touch. She grinned a little too sheepishly when she saw that Lexa was beaming again. She has had dances before. But she knew the minute their palms connected, this was the dance that would change everything.

“What now, Commander?” she asked, trying not to giggle. “There is quite literally no music to waltz to.”

“Heartbeats” Lexa repeated as an explanation. She took the lead and started waltzing.

Clarke rolled her eyes and finally giggled when she realized that they were dancing to the beat of their hearts.

Unsung melody. Unsung song.

Unsung moment.

Clarke chuckled again when she finally caught up to the rhythm. It oddly felt like it was fit for a slow dance, regardless of the thunderous drumming inside her chest. Lexa never said anything, she just kept lead, kept eye contact and kept them close. She moved with ease. A feat you wouldn’t think she was capable of when you only see her in her military state uniform or her camouflage gear. You wouldn’t even think she can waltz properly.

But waltz properly she can. Clarke thought maybe Lexa might even be better than her at dancing. She moves with the wind, jumping and gliding through shadows. Her turns are seamless and smooth and she leads with such grace and respect often absent in Clarke’s previous dance partners. And Lexa doesn’t talk but something about the shared silence and in-synced heartbeats gave Clarke an insight in who this girl was.

This dance is more telling than any of their past conversations. She knows by Lexa’s steady grip on her waist that she is one of the most protective people she has ever met. She knows by the small smiles she offers everytime she pulls a difficult move than she likes a challenge.

She knows from the eyes which dance to every rise and fall that there is genuine concern and affection there. Ones that she can’t always hide. And she knows from the way that Lexa would reposition their hands every other beat that there were a lot of mysteries to be uncovered. Scars which speak of different untold stories.

All of those, Clarke though, could wait because she also knows that the silence means Lexa is not the type to share. Her stories. Or this moment.

Clarke stole a quick glance at the glass doors. They were still close. Lexa caught her and just smirked before giving her a twirl.

“Do you want to hear a secret?” Clarke murmured when their pace slowed.

“I have too many State secrets to keep already” Lexa replied.

Clarke dared to copy Lexa’s move that afternoon and inched her face closer to hers, brushing her nose against Lexa’s and placing her lips just by her ears.

“Not State” she whispered. “Mine”

“Secrets are dangerous in stranger’s ears” Lexa whispered back, barely dancing but hand firmly by Clarke’s waist.

“That’s the thing though. You’re not a stranger, are you? You haven’t been for a few thousand heartbeats now”

They had stopped waltzing around the balcony. They were just swaying in the middle of it, slowly but still very much in-synced. Clarke had lost count of her heartbeats. And Lexa no longer looked like she was interested in impressing her with her waltzing abilities. The frost coming out from both their breaths were brighter now that the moon seemed to have suddenly decided to give them a spotlight.

Clarke could feel Lexa’s hand on her waist shake a little bit. Nerves that were nowhere in her green eyes. The random hitch in Lexa’s breathing gave away unease that were completely hidden by the confidence in her posture. And then there was that very elusive, very soft and subtle twitch on one corner of Lexa’s mouth. Concern. The same concern that was flowing in her tone when she worried that she had scared Clarke.

“You were worried” Clarke noted when she finally realized what it was in Lexa’s tone. “You were worried that you gave me the impression you were angry at Anya”

“No.”

Clarke gave a lopsided smile as she raised an eyebrow, testing Lexa’s resolve. “Really? You don’t worry about me?’

Lexa shook her head.

“Then what was it?”

“Anger is a perilous state.”

“So?”

Lexa leaned in, “It has no business in your presence.”

It was Clarke’s breath’s turn to hitch which Lexa immediately caught, and she pulled her closer once more. Keeping her safe from anxiety, from the cold, from…going crazy. Except that Clarke was beginning to feel like she really is crazy.

“Lexa?” she said, her voice breaking.

“Yes?”

“Thank you”

“For?”

Clarke took a deep breath and tilted her head to the side so she can look at Lexa’s eyes when she shared her secret, “For making my first proper dance with a girl perfect.”

If Lexa was shocked, she didn’t show it. If this was a revelation that carried an issue, she did not make it evident. She just nodded and beamed some more.

Clarke relaxed and rested her cheek on Lexa’s shoulder, allowing the other girl to sway them both to absent music. Her thoughts drifted over the events of the day. When she had woken up, she was in a slightly bad mood because her mother had skipped their daily breakfast due to the many things that concerned this State visit. Octavia kept her company all day and they danced around the topic of her approaching departure.

Then she met Lexa and some part of her insisted that this was not her first meeting. Just as Indra apparently mentioned to Octavia.

Then that moment in Lexa’s room.

Then the necklace. Then this dance.

All familiar.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice broke through her reverie.

“Hmm?”

“I feel you.”

Clarke broke their swaying and took a miniscule step back so she could study Lexa’s face.

“What?”

Lexa looked away, still hold her hand. She didn’t look like she was going to repeat herself but Clarke needed her to. With everything they have exchanged that night, this was the one thing she needed to be repeated because this was the one thing that she needed to be sure of. She cannot play back those three words tonight in her bed.

“Lexa, what did you say?” she asked, tugging on Lexa’s hand still clutching hers.

“Did you hear?”

“Not well” she snapped with desperation enough to get a chuckle from the Commander.

“Quite unfortunate then”

Clarke scowled. “What was it?!”

“No repeating” Lexa said with a knowing look.

There was an air of superiority to the way she said it that annoyed Clarke but also turned her on slightly. She looked away from Lexa because if she spends another heartbeat gazing into those green orbs, she would forget why she suddenly had knots in her stomach.

Anya’s voice haunted her.

“I know she feels”

Lexa, young as she is and new to her role, already had a reputation of being ruthless and cold as she is brilliant. It was one of the many reasons Clarke did not want anything to do with this visit. She has very little tolerance for people who handled conflict with brutality and force. The Commander that she has met, however, is almost completely different from the reputation that precedes her.

Still, she can see it. The cold. The controlled. The calculative. The heartless soldier. The public image.

Now knowing that what Anya said earlier were not just empty poetry but definite cautionary words, she needed to be sure that what she heard were…what she heard. She needed those three words to be accurate and she needed to know the implications of all that.

Because she feels too.

She feels Lexa too.

She feels for Lexa.

She’s known it since they met. She’s known it with unwanted and unwelcomed certainty. She’s known it since that first touch. She’s known it from that first whisper. She’s known it from the first heartbeat.

She knows Lexa. She knows this feeling. She might even know this moment. She knows this dance, this conversation, this…soul. She knows her like a treasure buried in her consciousness for safe-keeping.

Memories.

Souls?

“Clarke? You look pale” Lexa’s voice is colored with concern as she placed a hand to cradle Clarke’s face.

Three heartbeats.

“Three” Clarke breathed. “Three heartbeats.”

Lexa, as she does, waited for the rest of Clarke’s thought to be said.

Clarke opened her mouth but no words would come out. She wanted to explain that that’s how long it took for her to recognize Lexa, even if until now she doesn’t know who Lexa really is. She wanted to explain that that’s how many times her heart skipped when she found out that the necklace she is wearing is from Lexa. She wanted to explain that it might be the maximum length of time she can go without craving Lexa’s gaze, voice and touch.

She wanted three heartbeats to be enough to convey everything that was bursting out of her.

Then…three heartbeats.

Until they heard the glass doors open.

Three heartbeats for them to see Abby standing there, with Gus, Indra and Anya.

Three heartbeats for them to catch a photographer stealing a picture of them together, holding hands.

A picture of them holding hands with Clarke’s face cradled in the Commander’s hand.

Three heartbeats until Lexa slowly dropped the hand holding her face.

Another three for her to break their hand hold.

Three heartbeats before Lexa whispered three words.

“Thank you, too.”

Clarke stared at her and there was no longer a smile, no softness, no enviable glow from the moon. She was the Commander again and her mind was already elsewhere. Maybe her mind was already fixing whatever problem their dance in the shadows created. Maybe her mind was already regretting all of this.

Wherever her mind was, Clarke wanted to go there too if only to make sure that this was not something she imagined. If only to re-hear what Lexa would not repeat. If only to give fuel to the hope that she was not something Lexa was regretting. If only she can confirm that she wasn’t the only one who enjoyed sharing heartbeats.

If only to know if Lexa felt what she has been feeling and what has been scaring her. If there was any way to know if Lexa feels this sense of recognition, this sense of familiarity that has been taunting her like failed memories which do not even belong to her.

As she stood there, however, her questions would have to wait because the look on her mother’s face confirmed a bigger concern.

**_A lot will be written of her absence in tomorrow’s papers._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to let me know what you think and I'm sorry for the wait especially to those who sent me a message or two on Tumblr.
> 
> I'm at hedaofmyheart88.tumblr.com


	4. Breached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in her life, Lexa did something without any agenda. She did it simply because she wanted to. Because Clarke makes her feel good. Because having Clarke near makes her feel. Feel freely and unapologetically. And she’ll be damned before she lets anyone make her regret it.

(Lexa’s POV)

Lexa can hear it – the whispers of her own people.

Indra is practically growling her thoughts but Anya just walked beside her quietly all night. Which is how she knows none of them approve of the scene from the balcony. She knows it’s rude to leave the party early although she really wants to. It was quite the torture to be making small talk with people who she knows are only looking to get on her good side with the hopes of maybe getting a favour from her.

The worst of it was avoiding Clarke for the rest of the night.

She watched from the corner of her eye when Clarke and the Chancellor finally re-joined the party. The press definitely noticed. They wouldn’t leave Clarke all night, not even bothering to be subtle about the fact that they were shadowing her.

Anya had whispered that Clarke and Octavia left the party about fifteen minutes before it was officially over. She ignored the information but said about five minutes later that she was ready to turn in for the night as well. Anya gestured at Indra who couldn’t have left the room quicker if she tried.

Lexa approached the Chancellor, bid her good night quietly, thanked her sincerely and left with much less fanfare than when she arrived. Anya walked with her without uttering a word, Gus behind her, stiffer than ever and when they finally reached the guest wing, Indra was already waiting, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Who wants to speak first?” she asked icily as soon as she dismissed the rest of her party.

The three of them stood in the small living room inside the presidential suite. The last time the three of them shared this kind of tensed silence, Anya was putting her inside a bulletproof vest after Indra had given a report about rebels breaching her tower’s first line of defenses.

Now, unsaid as it was, it wasn’t her security they were mulling over.

Anya smiled defeatedly.

Indra just stood in attention.

“Speak now or I will never want to hear whatever it is that is killing you both inside” Lexa said, through clenched teeth. “I will not have you whisper behind my back. Not while we’re here.”

“Did you have a good night, Commander?” Anya asked with a smirk.

“Nor will I have you taunting me” Lexa warned.

“I truly do want to know”

“If that is all that you have to ask, you can leave” Lexa said, her tone making it clear that staying wasn’t an option.

“Good night, Lexa” Anya bid, bowing to her slightly. “Please get some rest”

Lexa then eyed Indra when the doors closed behind Anya.

“Commander, may I have permission to speak freely?”

Lexa grunted her approval.

Indra relaxed faintly before finally looking at her. “Do you remember what I told you before we left for Arkadia?”

“That there are perils here I know not of? Were you talking about the Chancellor’s daughter, Indra?”

“No, Commander” Indra replied, her discomfort imminent by her simulated patient tone. “She is not a threat to you. I speak of those surrounding her. Of her people. This land is unsafe and there are eyes everywhere. Spies.”

“It’s been a long day, Indra. You would do me the courtesy of not being cryptic”

Indra sighed. She sometimes forgets how young of a commander Lexa is.

“The Chancellor’s daughter is not a threat to you, Commander. But going beyond the line of a casual friendship with her opens the both of you to threats your enemies will exploit. Continuing to dance too closely and they will have something to use against you”

Lexa considered Indra’s words. They weren’t unreasonable and she has thought about it. She just chose to make an exception tonight. She was sure no one would come barging in that balcony, that’s why she chose to wait until the whole ballroom was caught up in the festivities before asking Clarke to dance.

“The press?” she asked Indra after realizing that she didn’t have an argument.

“Will be dealt with whichever way the Chancellor sees fit” Indra supplied. “Public opinion is not my concern, Commander. War prevention is”

“Thank you, Indra” Lexa said sincerely despite the deep-seated superiority coloring her words. “You haven’t let me down so far.”

“Have a good rest, Commander” Indra said, bowing like Anya did.

“Wait”

“Yes?”

“What did you tell Clarke?”

Lexa could see a million thoughts running through Indra’s mind. She could tell her most favoured general was choosing among the possible answers which confirmed in her own mind that there was something brewing she didn’t know about. Indra indeed harbour some less-than friendly feelings for Clarke.

“I told her not to lose your gift, Commander.”

“I heard that part. What did you say before that?”

Lexa watched her more closely, hoping that Indra would just come clean tonight.

“Nothing of consequence, Commander. She was just wondering why you seemed familiar”

“I see” Lexa replied, hiding her surprise. She knows there is a familiarity between the two of them but it is odd that Clarke would ask Indra about it.

A question for another day.

“Have a good rest, General”

“And you, Commander.”

Finally left alone with nothing but her thoughts, Lexa quickly changed out of her gown and into the sweat pants and tank top laid out on her bed. There was a folder right next to it which contained summarized details on tomorrow’s activities. In her other visits to other nations, she would stay up reading everything just to be sure that nothing would surprise her.

A little too late for that.

She was surprised the minute she laid eyes on Clarke.

And tonight was the most pleasant surprise of all. Granted, tomorrow might make her pay for it but deep inside her she has already decided that tonight’s events was a debt she would gladly make and repay over and over again.

If she was going to lose sleep tonight, her hours will not be spent planning for a routine barracks inspection. She would much rather relive every heartbeat shared with this girl who holds the sky in her eyes. This girl who has giggles that could rival the most melodic of songs and put to shame the grandest of classical pieces. She scolded herself as she thought of how she was describing Clarke’s laugh when a few hours ago, she could not even make sense of why the girl in her arms was chuckling all throughout a dance she had spent hours planning in her head to be perfect.

Maybe Indra was right. Maybe letting her guard down was a mistake.

She is the Commander of Blood.

She didn’t go to Arkadia just to find herself enamoured and completely entranced by some girl enough to forget her boundaries but less than 24 hours since her arrival and she may have gotten herself into an international crisis. Although Anya dropped the term “scandal” instead of crisis. Lexa doesn’t think of Clarke as either. She doesn’t even understand why this is such a big deal. They were dancing. You would think that such an act would strengthen international relations, not shatter them.

Not that that’s the reason she asked Clarke to dance. No. Absolutely not. There was no agenda behind it.

And if she must, she will lose sleep over replaying every turn and every heartbeat of their dance. She will spend the entire night awake to memorize the details of this memory. And she will not regret a second of it.

Except that the third knock at her door a mere two hours after she finally fell asleep woke her up and made her curse under her breath. She was lost in dreams she never had before. Dreams she never thought possible.

Dreams of herself dancing with Clarke in that balcony before both finally giving in to their desires. She kissed Clarke first – gently, carefully, like she would break if she didn’t exercise caution. Then Clarke kissed her back as if her lips were a memorized canvass. She knew this would be their first kiss, only it wasn’t.

Not at all.

Clarke knew every corner of her lips and her tongue was at home inside her mouth. And she felt it too – the certainty of where Clarke’s lips would be, where her nose would be, where the nook of her neck would angle even if her eyes were closed. She was trying to chase that feeling – of knowing this dance, this kiss, this body. She wanted to know where it was coming from. How can she be sure? How can this feel like the millionth time they have done this and still be full of wonder as only a first would feel like.

She was grasping for that feeling when suddenly it wasn’t an intangible concept she was grasping, but Clarke’s body, all tangled up in hers. On a bed she has never seen before but knows. On sheets she has never slept in but brought her sanctuary. Clarke was slightly sitting on top of her with a smile, the faint glow of the sunrise threatening to enter this room which she can recall from somewhere. She stared at Clarke’s figure, almost a silhouette in the dark.

This dream, this imagination felt like an accurate image of something she had never laid her eyes on. Of something she didn’t even dare imagine before. She met Clarke’s lips halfway and a delightful laugh escaped her own before they both escaped under the sheets.

This cannot be a dream.

It was real. She can feel it. She can feel her.

She can hold her.

She can touch her.

She is being touched by her.

This should be real.

But that third knock came too harshly and too quickly to be anything other than a disturbance. A wake-up call. One designed to bring her back to what is truly real.

She cursed once more.

If she knew what kind of dream she would be having, she would have willed herself to sleep earlier. She cursed under her breath again when she realized the rest of her body probably enjoyed the dream a little too much too. She had to calm her heart down, wipe off the traces of sweat from her forehead and neck then maybe just ignore the fact that those aren’t the only parts of her she should be wiping off.

“I’m awake!” she yelled at the door, reaching for her robe. She put it on before letting in an already dressed and ready-to-go Anya.

“You slept in” Anya said, a little too perkily for her Lexa’s taste. “That’s new.”

“Am I late?” Lexa asked, straining to find a clock in the room. There was none. “What time is it?”

“It’s 6:45 and no you are not late. It’s just that you always used to beat the sun in rising” Anya replied, studying her from head to toe. “How many hours?”

“Two, maybe” Lexa said, massaging her head. “What is it you were banging on my door about then?”

Anya grinned, “Breakfast is ready in the dining room. Should I have them send yours up here?”

“No. I’ll get ready and come join you”

When Anya left, Lexa hurriedly got in the shower and washed off whatever traces of her dream she had on her. She can’t believe if Anya didn’t wake her up, she would have ran late to her own visit. And she hated being late at anything. She punished soldiers for being half a minute late.

Then again, her dream was worth it.

When she came out of the shower, someone had laid out her full combat uniform on her bed. It calmed her down. She would much rather wear camouflage and battle gear than a full dress uniform or a gown. She would much rather fight in the war zones than behind closed doors or headquarters. After all that has happened so far, it was a welcome sight for her to be reminded of why she was there.

She was already tying the laces of her combat boots when she heard her door open.

“I thought I told you I will have your head the next time you walk in my room without knocking?!” she growled, reaching for a 5-inched combat tactical knife strapped onto her ankles.

Lexa looked up and was about to throw the knife she just unlatched at who she thought was Anya when she found Clarke standing there with a mixture of horror and confused look on her face. She was dressed casually, like when they first met – fitted slacks, a button down, and another unbelievably preppy navy blazer.

“Please don’t kill me” she said in a small voice.

Lexa was about to apologize – not something she was used to – when she saw that Clarke was slightly shaking. At first she thought it was nerves then she realized her intruder was holding back laughter.

“You’re laughing” she hissed.

“I’m trying not to. I laugh when I’m nervous”

Lexa glared.

“I laugh at death threats too” Clarke continued to tease.

“I thought you were Anya” Lexa muttered, returning the knife back inside her boot. That was about the extent of her apology. “Did you need something?”

“You”

Lexa stopped trying her laces and snapped her head up at Clarke.

“I mean, I needed to talk to you before you head out for what I was told is a full day”

“Hmm. Who have you talked to already?”

Clarke grinned knowingly. Lexa just glared back her question.

“How’d you know I’ve already talked to anyone?”

“Gus didn’t stop you at the door and you said you were told I had a full day.”

“Right. Do you always have everything so organized in your head, Commander?”

Lexa resisted the urge to wink at her so instead she just smirked, “Not everything.”

Clarke turned away with a blush, a sight Lexa realized she was now used to. A sight she enjoyed very much.

“Good morning, Clarke” she said, her voice just above a whisper. She had moved closer and with what now seems like a signature move, with a step, she bridged the gap between them. “What can I do for you?”

Clarke took a step back and Lexa realized that they may be in completely different mind sets. Fighting off the urge to reach over and hold Clarke’s hand to assure her that what happened last night was not something she regretted, she decided it would be better for the both of them if she just stand her ground and give this girl all the space that she needs.

“I came here to apologize” Clarke started. She met Lexa’s eyes when another silence threatened the room. “For last night – if that dance caused you any problems, I wanted to apologize in person.”

Lexa kept her face stoic but her eyes were sharper than the razor strapped to her ankle. She wondered if the Chancellor made Clarke go to her to personally apologize or if this was entirely Clarke’s idea.

“I realize that it might have brought about some issues with your team and it was completely out of line for me to have—“

“I asked for the dance” Lexa cut her off, half because she didn’t want to hear the rest of the apology and half because she wanted to see how Clarke would react.

Clarke smiled smugly, “Technically you didn’t ask.”

“More reason to keep your apologies to yourself. Is that all?”

Clarke shook her head. “I just need you to understand that I wasn’t thinking right and I should have been more careful and considered the consequences it would have on you.”

“And what consequences might those be?”

Clarke raised her arms up in the air and let them fall back down to her sides in a gesture of defeat. “I don’t know. Didn’t you get in trouble?”

Lexa smirked as she realized the Chancellor didn’t send Clark to apologize to her. She was here because she worried for her. She worried she had gotten into problems simply because they danced last night. It was probably wrong of her seeing the distress Clarke was in as she started slowly pacing in the room, but it brought her a sense of warmth. Like flowing river of relief that someone she thought of and dreamed of last night made the effort to come and see her out of concern and not out of duty. This brought her satisfaction. And courage.

And…knots in her stomach.

“Clarke” she said softly. The knots in her stomach tighten whenever that name sings through her tongue. “Are you here because you worry I might have had a scolding after dancing with the most beautiful girl at last night’s party?”

Clarke blushed again. “Yes?”

“And who would scold me?” Lexa quizzed.

“Well… You have people around you. You’re almost never alone. They’re protective. And you’re a walking rule so who knows?” Clarke blabbered to no one in the room in particular, making Lexa smirk some more.

“But who would admonish me? Indra? Anya? Don’t tell me Gustus.”

Clarke stopped pacing to look at her. Lexa kept an effortlessly unamused face. She watched patiently as Clarke’s stare came from bothered to understanding to fierce to stumped.

“I came all the way here to apologize for nothing?

Lexa nodded.

“I spent last night tossing and turning and worrying about you when there was nothing to worry about?”

Lexa nodded again.

“I barged in here for no reason.”

“If it is any consolation, I did not get much sleep last night too.”

Clarke looked alarmed. “Are your accommodations—“

“My thoughts were just occupied,” Lexa cut her off again.

“Ah”

Lexa watched as Clarke directed her gaze at the paintings on the wall, much like the last time they were in the room together. Her discomfort seems to fade whenever she gazes at art, like the beauty of the unreal makes her more at peace with the reality of her surroundings.

It was a movie Lexa could spend all day watching. And she didn’t even like movies. She didn’t like fantasy or fictional characters. They are pointless to her. They always tend to make you imagine something better than the harshness of the world only to let you down in the end. They never stick. They never last. They’re never real. She always finds herself wanting for the film to move faster and just end her suffering.

But watching Clarke get so immersed in a beautiful world was a movie she prayed would never end. She wanted to stand next to her and see what she was seeing but the step back and away from her earlier was still fresh in her mind.

Unless it was war, she will not go where she was not wanted.

“Do you have any free time at all today?” Clarke asked her in a failed uninterested voice.

“Late afternoon, or early evening”

Clarke turned to her with a beam, “Excellent. Is it at all possible to meet with you then? Just you and me?”

Lexa thought about it. She was sure the free hour in her schedule was supposed to be spent getting ready to go out with Clarke’s friends. She already knew she would need every possible second to prepare. Unless tonight was not going to happen.

“Are you uninviting me from tonight?”

“What?” Clarke frowned at her. “No! Did you want me to uninvite you?”

“Of course not. What is the meeting for?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Lexa stared at her, trying not to grimace at the thought of something she would have no chance to prepare for. How does she tell this girl that on a long list of things she hates, surprises are somewhere in the top three? Also, her security team just might hate Clarke more when they hear about it.

“Okay” she replied after deciding against the voices in her head.

“That’s it? You don’t have to consult with anyone?”

Lexa smirked at her again. “And say what?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “You can stop being cocky, you know. You can just say it flat out that you don’t answer to anyone and you make your own rules and you’re basically the boss of everything.”

Lexa sighed heavily, knowing that everything Clarke said was true. Mostly true. She finally willed her legs to stand next to Clarke and stare up at the painting she was surveying earlier. It was an abstract of a mother and a child. It was distorted in every possible way but Lexa could see it – a mother cradling a baby with protective authority. She wanted to reach for Clarke’s hand, half because she liked holding her and half because she felt like she needed some sort of human support.

She didn’t. She couldn’t.

Not knowing what to do with the hands that now craved for affection and not weapons, she placed them behind her and waited for Clarke to look at her and ask her why she was quiet again.

“What?” Clarke predictably asked her with an inquiring glower.

“Not everything”

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her.

“I’m not the boss of everything” Lexa explained. “And I answer to the needs of my people.”

“Oh.”

Lexa wanted to add more but knew better than to rattle Clarke. Her next words would put a distance between them she was sure she wasn’t ready for.

“Is there anything else?”

Clarke shook her head as she took an unconscious step away from Lexa again. It was an insignificant distance when you gauge it but Lexa still felt it. It was impossible to miss.

“I am to have breakfast with Anya. Join us.”

“I can’t. My mom is expecting me. We usually eat together”

Lexa nodded and exited the room quickly. She was slightly surprised when Clarke didn’t follow her. She was halfway to the guest wing’s dining room when she heard hurried footsteps trailing her and Gus. Clarke was panting by the time she caught up to them. And in a show of unawareness to her culture and protocol, bypassed Gustus and the unspoken rule of walking a step behind the Commander unless given the permission to walk beside her.

Lexa regarded her with a look but she completely didn’t get it.

Why bother at this point?

“Yes?”

“You just left” Clarke said, in between breaths.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know we were done with the conversation.”

Lexa stopped walking, so did Gus but Clarke kept walking and talking until she realized she was about five big steps away from Lexa. She turned back at her with an annoyed look.

“What is wrong with you now?”

“I was comparing” Lexa said, her voice gentle but colored with a realization strong enough to knock them both to the ground. She walked slowly to where Clarke was and regarded her with another look – this time mildly affectionate and meekly amused at the irritation escaping Clarke’s face.

“Comparing what?!”

Gus grunted from behind them, clearly displeased with the level of disrespect he feels was being given to the Commander. It was unheard of and if this was any other person or if they were back in Polis, someone would either have been thrown to jail or hanged by now.

Lexa ignored him and Clarke didn’t even hear him. She was too busy being annoyed at Lexa.

“Comparing the difference between leaving you and watching you leave” Lexa said.

“Well, that’s just—“ Clarke started indignantly before the sentiment of the statement dawned on her. “You were doing what?”

Lexa smiled at her, the same way she did the night before when they were dancing. She started walking in a slower pace and smiled some more when Clarke walked  beside her.

“So…which one did you prefer? Of the leaving and the watching, I mean”

They were just outside the dining room and they could both hear arguments and discussions being made from inside. She dropped her voice when she asked and Lexa could tell that the anxiety she felt from her earlier had crept back. Too bad this part of the guest wing had no paintings to calm her down. Again, she had to stop herself from reaching for Clarke’s hand.

At this rate, she would be tired before the day even began.

“Neither” Lexa replied.

“Why’d you compare then?”

“You presented the options” Lexa said with finality. “Thank you for walking me to breakfast.”

“Sure.”

Lexa walked towards the door being held open for her by Gus and Clarke was going to head to her own breakfast date when she heard her name from a voice inside the dining room. She turned and found Lexa standing by the doorway, practically frozen on the spot. She didn’t look at all scared or disturbed with what was inside so she checked it out as well.

“Mom?” Clarke exclaimed as soon as she saw her mother squaring off with Indra.

Lexa glared her warning at Indra and relaxed only when Indra allowed Abby to pass by. She then stole a glance at Clarke, concerned that their morning had indeed taken a turn for the worst. She was going to say something reassuring but Abby already started talking.

“Commander, I came to apologize for last night” the Chancellor said. “I have sent word to the associated press to keep their distance from you and your visits and to keep everything strictly focused on official events.”

“Thank you, Chancellor” Lexa acknowledged. She stole another glance at Clarke whose unease at the situation was becoming more evident. “For the record, I asked your daughter to dance.”

“What?”

“For the record, you didn’t ask” Clarke muttered, making Lexa smile fondly at her.

Something everyone in the thankfully missed as all their attention was on Clarke.

“I appreciate the gesture, Chancellor and I look forward to our meeting this afternoon”

Even The Chancellor can tell if she was being dismissed. She extended a hand and Lexa shook it firmly.

“I would appreciate keeping things in perspective.” Lexa reiterated her point before letting go of Abby’s hand.

“Of course, Commander” Abby replied, less than convincingly. “Good luck on the barracks visit. I hope the progress of the army you sent us will please you.”

Lexa gave a curt nod and walked towards her empty seat in the breakfast table. When she noticed in the room has moved she exhaled sharply. “Shall we go on about with our day or would you like to rehash your discussions earlier?”

Clarke snorted. “Have a good day, Lexa.”

“And you, Clarke”

Abby followed her daughter out of the room and Anya and Indra took their places on either side of Lexa. They waited for her to start eating and followed suit quietly. It was Anya who broke the silence frist.

“What did the Chancellor’s daughter want, Commander?” she asked, pouring Lexa some coffee.

“To walk me to breakfast”

Anya chuckled when the answer brought a scowl to Indra’s face.

“Girl has big dreams” Anya joked.

Lexa ignored the comment and directed her attention at Indra. “What is it that Clarke is too young to know and I’m too unprepared to find out?”

Anya choked on her juice and Indra stopped chewing her toast.

“Did you think I didn’t hear?” Lexa tested. “Are we to begin this morning with a lie?”

“No, Commander” Indra said, her mind already running a million scenarios. Again.

“Then try not to lie to me again” Lexa warned.

She ate the fruits on her plate silently, allowing Indra to come up with anything other than the truth. She knows from experience that if something was being hid from her, it was for her own good. She just hated the fact that Clarke was now involved in the messy business of her trade. Her life. Not only that, she hated being sure that The Chancellor was in on a secret she wasn’t. The leader of a foreign nation knows something about her that she doesn’t.

If they were to talk of an international crisis or scandal, they need not look further. This whole breakfast was going down faster than an industrial country’s economy.

“It is about the bomb, Commander”

Lexa smirked inwardly. Indra knows her lies.

“What about it?”

“It’s ready”

Lexa looked up at her. Was it a lie?

“Ready?”

Indra nodded before throwing a glance at Anya.

“Commander, they didn’t want us to know that it is but now that we do The Chancellor wanted us to be clear to you about it” Anya supplied. “It has been ready for a while. Before Clarke’s father died, he was supposed to visit Polis and report to us about it.”

“Yet the new Chancellor has changed her mind?”

“It would appear so”

Lexa set her fork down and regarded one woman back and forth. “And Clarke is too young to know about a nuclear bomb her father created for us?”

Indra gulped. “Yes.”

“And I am unprepared to find out that the purpose of our visit is in jeopardy?”

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa nodded then took a sip from her coffee. “Tell me something, you two. What is more nuclear? What could destroy me faster and more efficiently? A bomb designed to stop what lies beyond the Cold Mountains from killing every man, woman and child in Arkadia? Or lies from my own people?”

“I wasn’t lying, Commander—“

“Yes you are!” Lexa raised her voice. It wasn’t even a yell. But she never speaks with violent force that anything above a whisper or a controlled and levelled speaking voice was enough to make the hairs at the back of both women’s neck stand.

“The bomb may be ready and the Chancellor may be withholding it from us but that is not what was going on here before I arrived. Now, you can either choose to tell me now or I will find out for myself and when I do, you best hope it is forgivable.”

The tension from her words could have set the room on fire.

“Commander—“ Anya started but just left the word hanging. She too didn’t know how to approach this seldom seen side of Lexa.

“Commander, please understand, this is a sensitive issue and we are not lying about it. She would not grant us access to the bomb. And she will not divulge why only that she wants you to know about this change of heart” Anya finally found her words.

She waited until Lexa processed the information.

“What of Clarke?”

“A nuclear bomb in the hands of a nation inexperienced at war and your concern is Clarke?” Indra asked.

“A pissed off Commander in your presence and you chose to speak out of turn?” Lexa snapped at her General. “Yes, she is a concern! Yes, I wonder what her role is in this pseudo-diplomacy tactics you employ! And yes, Indra, I still am of suspect to your less-than-subtle apprehension towards her!”

Indra composed herself as Lexa now visibly shook the table. Anger was a beautiful thing in the eyes of a military state. It wins wars.

But it also destroys people.

Lexa, at this very moment, is beautiful as she is destructive.

“I apologize, Commander. My concern is your safety. And our people’s well-being. Nothing more”

“What is her role in this argument, Indra? I will not ask again.”

Indra looked at Anya with an unspoken question. She took a deep breath, filling her lungs with courage from the air when she received a look of confirmation.

“That would depend on you, Commander” she replied quietly. “I know you have your lessons and I know you know your history. The last Commander who—who had close relations with a foreigner nearly burned Polis to the ground.”

“Would this be the same Commander who fell prey to the enemy, Indra?”

“Yes.”

“She is not an enemy” Lexa stated with a certainty they only heard once before – the day she made her vows as Commander. “And do not think me to be stupid to put my personal feelings ahead of my people’s concerns.”

Indra nodded. “Agreed, Commander. But history is clear. When a Commander does not guide her heart, walls and regimes fall.”

“And unlike, Indra, Commander…my concern goes beyond the security of your person” Anya chimed it. “I do worry about affairs of our state…and the affairs of your heart.”

Lexa held up her hand to stop the two of them from talking.

“Are you meaning to tell me that you both had a yelling match with the Chancellor of Arkadia – after you have both rigorously reminded me to be a diplomat and not a warrior on this trip – simply because you feared I would get in bed with her daughter?”

Indra cleared her throat uncomfortably as an answer.

Anya smiled patiently at her, “I was merely cautioning you with who you trust, Commander. Who you choose to sleep with is out of my jurisdiction”

“Do you really think now is the best time to mock me?”

Anya shook her head.

“Now would be the best time to remind you, Commander that as much as we can control external factors in order to achieve all our goals here, we cannot, how ever much we hope to, control _you_. How Clarke plays into this visit is entirely up to you.”

Lexa understood what Anya was saying.  She also knew better than to pretend that there wasn’t anything going on with her and Clarke. They’ve been alone three times in the past 24 hours and she knows that this time was stolen. Coveted. An escape from the world they were both trying to keep alive. A refuge.

A sanctuary they found in each other.

Or maybe it was just her who feels that way.

She still couldn’t shake off the image of Clarke taking a step back from her.

“What did the Chancellor have to say about us?”

“She really was here to apologize. She is under the impression that her daughter was inappropriate with you” Anya replied, cautious but obviously amused. She didn’t think Lexa would refer to herself and Clarke as an ‘us.’

“It was a dance” Lexa snarled.

Anya shrugged. “Can we put this behind us, Commander?”

“Can we?”

Anya slumped in her seat. “Yes.”

They both turned to Indra who remained wordless. Lexa knew that it was not an issue Indra would put to rest anytime soon but the fact that there was no visible resistance was assurance that the matter will not be brought up again in the duration of their visit. She waved her hand and that was the end of that.

Lexa allowed the rest of the conversation to be handled by Anya who gave her a run down on the day’s schedule and they discussed probable concerns with each site they would visit. They reviewed the credentials of each person they would meet that day. Indra gave her a report on the state of the army they lent to Arkadia and it excited her to meet the men and women who have been away from Polis. She had quickly realized in her tenure as Commander that part of the job is to uplift the spirits of her warriors and to offer them a taste of home.

She had pushed all thoughts of Clarke to the back of her mind until she saw her towards the end of her inspection of the barracks, late that afternoon. She was there with Octavia and a soldier wearing Arkadian military colors.

“Bellamy” Anya whispered to her as they walked towards the hangar where tanks they have sent to Arkadia were stored. “Octavia’s brother. Nothing there.”

Lexa smiled to herself upon hearing the answer to a question she was never going to ask. She signalled for her delegation to stop where they were at. The soldier acting as her guide stood at attention and immediately the group silenced and looked around for what was causing the delay. She gave Anya a soft commanding glance riddled with a plea and as soon as Anya took the cue and carried on the group’s hanging conversation, Lexa stepped away from them, still closely followed by Gus.

“Commander” Octavia greeted her. “How is the tour so far?”

“Impressive” Lexa said genuinely meaning it even if she only had eyes for Clarke. “I did not know you would be here.”

“Octavia wanted to see her brother” Clarke explained.

Lexa eyed the tall soldier between Clarke and Octavia, gave a respectful but quick nod and didn’t say anything. She just stared at Clarke again, taking in the features she didn’t get a chance to relish that morning. She truly does enjoy just looking at her or hearing her speak, even if half the time she is unsure of what was being said. She debated whether she should pull Clarke aside now and tell her about the conversation she had with Indra and Anya but quickly decided against it. It would be foolish for her to do that.

“Tonight, then” was all she said and took her leave without saying anything else.

“I think you do have a preference!” Clarke called out to her.

Lexa knew what that meant but still feigned a look of innocence on her face when she faced her. She could tell Anya from afar was losing the attention of their group but at the moment, she was more interested in hearing the rest of what Clarke had to say.

“You clearly prefer leaving me!” Clarke called to her, refusing to just say it to her closer. Octavia was giggling while her brother looked confused next to them.

“You are sure of this?”

“Clearly!”

Lexa smirked through her eyes, an act intended only for Clarke. They traded glares playfully even though she maintained her stance, superior and awfully sure of herself. Clarke, meanwhile, was smiling with mischief. She doesn’t know how long they both stood there, a world apart it seems, but finally when she twitched an eyebrow up at Clarke, the message was clear.

This was a stand-off. She challenged Clarke’s theory.

It could have been a minute, or an hour, she had lost track of the number of heartbeats produced in her chest. Lexa just stood there, refusing to let go of the hold she has on Clarke’s eyes. She could hear Anya approaching her from behind and with those footsteps came the sound of a possible discord but once again, against her own judgment, she didn’t move.

Clarke finally looked away, biting her lower lip to stop to suppress a grin.

“We should be going now, Lexa. Enjoy the rest of your tour!” she called out before scurrying off with Octavia and Bellamy on her heels.

And Lexa realized that maybe Clarke was partly correct. Maybe she did prefer not to watch Clarke walk away and leave her.

The rest of the afternoon came about uneventfully although it was becoming evident to Lexa that the soldiers and the machinery they have sent to Arkadia are under-utilized. By the time they were returning to the Chancellor’s mansion to call it a day, she had voiced her concerns about the prospect of putting the soldiers to a test. They have not seen action since they were deployed in Arkadia and it alarms her that when the time comes that they will be needed, they could very well have forgotten their training.

“I will see what I can arrange with their Defense Secretary” Indra assured her. “You truly feel that the war beyond the mountains will reach Arkadia, Commander?”

Lexa looked out the window of the car. The city was peaceful. It painted of safe haven and bliss. The citizens of Arkadia could very well be spared by what act their enemies might have prepared for her but having seen and met people there only strengthened her resolve not to risk their lives.

“War is certain. I aim to make sure its effects are contained” she answered. “Even if the Chancellor does refused to give us our bomb, I would sleep much better knowing they at least know how to use it.”

“You really think it would come to that? The Arkadians wielding a nuclear weapon? Don’t you think you should at least negotiate the bomb’s turnover?” Anya asked from beside her.

“Who wields it will not matter so long as it is pointed towards a common enemy and away from friends. And loved ones”

“And so long as Clarke is safe” Anya finished her thought.

Lexa chose not to respond. She had to make a decision on whether she well tell Clarke about the bomb. She knows she’s against it. She knows her late father is a sore topic. And she knows she will look less of a Commander and more of a concerned girlfriend if she insisted on certain measures for her safety.

As soon as she arrived in her room, she threw herself on the bed. She reached for a pillow and allowed herself to take a nap maybe for five or ten minutes before she gets ready to meet up with Clarke but as soon as she nestled the side of her face, a jolt of nervous energy hit her. She scrambled off the bed and stared at the pillow.

Suddenly she was back in her dreams again – caressing Clarke, running her fingers down Clarke’s chest, kissing her in every surface where there was skin. Suddenly she was back in her dreams – laughter and giggles in between moments of heat and passion and pure sexual pleasure. Suddenly she was back in her dreams – sharing a bed, a pillow with Clarke and hardly any sheets to cover them both, they whispered to each other their plans and hopes and fears.

She grabbed the pillow and something about it just sends shivers all over her. It was the exact same pillow from her dreams. Was it a premonition or has she entirely lost control of her subconscious? Because you can’t be attached with a tug of familiarity to a dream that is yet to happen.

She wasn’t imagining it. She wasn’t even projecting.

She was…reliving.

A memory. A glimpse of the past.

History.

She shuddered at her own train of thoughts that she didn’t hear her door open and close. She caught the breathing behind her when her it was already too close to her and it was too late to reach for her knife. So instead, she spun around, elbow raised, hitting her intruder squarely in the jaw before grabbing their shoulders and pinning whoever it was on the bed.

“OW!” Clarke yelped in pain, reaching for her jaw.

Lexa stared at her in horror. “What are you doing?”

“ME?!” Clarke yelled at her. “You hit me!”

“I thought you were an assassin!”

Clarke stared at her as if she was the most ridiculous creature on the face of the planet.

Lexa loosened her grip on Clarke’s shoulder but conveniently forgot to get off from on top of her. She watched in horror as Clarke massaged her jaw. She reached slowly and touched it, slightly swatting Clarke’s hand so she could examine it herself. Thankfully, her blow was not at all hard, for some reason. There was barely any pink on the skin.

“Lexa”

“What?” she muttered, her eyes still scouring for any sign of injury on Clarke’s face.

“Your belt…is pressed up against my—my---well it’s about to pierce my skin” Clarke said, her face furiously blushing, effectively hiding what possible scratch Lexa’s elbow might have inflicted.

Lexa looked down at their body on top of Clarke’s and carefully stood up.

“What were you doing?” she asked when Clarke sat up on her bed.

“Coming to get you?”

“What?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Did you forget?”

“Of course not. I merely thought we would meet out the door or in the lobby”

“Why? The press would see us there”

“Are we hiding?”

Clarke stood up from the bed and gestured slightly with her hands, as if they were explanations. Setting the awkwardness of the last five minutes aside, Lexa watched her with growing fondness and realized that she didn’t need an explanation.

“Do you need me to change?” she asked when Clarke gave her a look admitting that there were no words to follow the hand gestures.

“No, you’re perfect as you are.”

“I meant my clothes”

“I know” Clarke said with her mischievous smile. “Let’s go, Commander.”

Lexa took a deep breath and followed Clarke outside the room. Neither Anya nor Indra were within sight but Gus was there, as silent as ever. Clarke did most of the talking as they walked hallway after hallway. She took in her words like they were a prayer or an enchantment. She didn’t notice much about their surroundings but she was still aware enough to observe that in the many halls and stairways they passed through, they did not once encounter anyone.

Soon they stopped in front of two huge doors and Clarke beamed at her, like an excited child on the eve of her birthday.

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yes, I’m this excited to show you a room” Clarke said defensively.

“It’s a welcome sight”

“I haven’t even shown it to you!”

“I didn’t mean the room”

“Oh” Clarke blushed slightly.

Lexa made a mental note to always try and make Clarke blush whenever she could. She followed her into a long rectangular room with bare white walls. When Clarke had said they were to make a quick educational tour, she thought she was to be educated of Arkadia’s history and custom. She was sure they were heading to the mansion’s library or an old study room previously occupied by past Chancellors. She even went as far as expecting to meet scholars and professors in a classroom.

She did not expect an art gallery.

Upon the parallel walls hung paintings, sketches and portraits of different sizes, themes and style. Clarke offered her hand as an invitation to walk through the gallery together. Lexa took it without hesitation, trying to forget the image of Clarke not wanting to be close to her.

She whispered for Gus to wait outside the allowed to be pulled down the immaculate hallway.

“You are giving me an art lesson” she said when they stopped in front of an oil canvass of meadows of different colored flowers.

“I figured you could use one” Clarke replied, still holding onto her hand. “This one is called ‘Spring Mornings’”

Lexa leaned forward to examine the flowers closely. There were about six different flowers in the painting and she memorized each one. Then she saw the signature on the bottom right.

“This is yours” she gasped slightly.

Clarke just laughed at her reaction.

Most unwillingly, Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand before rushing from one portrait to another. She looked each one closely, Clarke’s giggles echoing around the room.

“These are all yours!” Lexa declared as she made her way back to where Clarke was standing. “They are beautiful.”

“Thank you. Not as beautiful as the ones in your room – which is obviously the purpose of this trip” Clarke explained. She pointed to a painting of an abandoned lighthouse. “Like this one, the angle of the light is all wrong. But it was one of my dad’s favourite. So I kept it. And this one—I’m proud of it and he loved this one especially but come closer and look at the strokes. If you are going praise art ou should be able to distinguish the strokes and styles to avoid sounding ignorant.”

Lexa didn’t heed invitation. At the mention of the late Chancellor, she instantly remembered the newspaper clipping about Clarke’s exhibit. “You didn’t sell this in the exhibit you held after his death.”

“You know about that?” Clarke’s mildly surprised reaction was adorably embarrassed.

“I did try to study about you before going here.”

“And?”

“They cannot write you with mortal pens on ephemeral paper even if they tried” Lexa declared in a whimsical sigh tinted with frustration and irony.

Clarke’s smile grew but she avoided her eyes, patently shy at the compliment.

Lexa kept walking towards the end of the hall, interested in the rest of Clarke’s art but at the same time creating enough space to hide her own red face. She heard herself say the words and never had her insides somersault more.

Her trained eyes tried to scrutinize the lines, the strokes and the light Clarke kept talking about but instead all she could see were moods, feelings, expressions and…secrets. Like there was a rough sketch of a riverbank. Clarke said it was one of her earlier works so if you’re critical about sketches, you would notice the poor lift of the charcoal as well as the cluttered shading of her untrained fingers.

Lexa couldn’t see any of that. She could see excitement culled from a child’s innocent outlook on life. She could practically hear Clarke’s younger voice laughing at the sight of clean and wild current from the river. She could feel the rush of freedom from someone who had little to no concerns and awareness of the vileness of a world far different from this one.

Lexa slowly understood how earlier Clarke can be transported to another world through paintings of strangers hanging on the bedroom wall of another stranger. She didn’t know a childhood like Clarke’s. She didn’t know of any art other than ones used in combat. She has never looked at a riverbank and see only water and fun games. Riverbanks were usually boundary markers and a source of water. A quick stop during training. There was no excitement or laughter or freedom. Only survival. Only security. And all the ways to achieve them.

“Lesson learned” she whispered to herself.

“What was that?” Clarke asked her.

“Nothing. I really like this”

“Come over here and see this—“

Lexa turned to where her voice was coming from, on the other end of the hall. She walked slowly, contemplative of how she would open up about the fact that the Chancellor, Indra and Anya were discussing the two of them.

“Clarke”

“Yeah?”

“How much trouble are you in?”

Clarke had her head practically pressed onto the huge painting she was calling for Lexa to see. She froze a little then slowly looked up to her.

“Honestly? A lot. You?”

“Not as much. Should we be meeting like this?”

Clarke regarded her gloomily. “Would you want to walk away again?”

Lexa returned her gaze with one of longing. Of empty wanting. She shook her head.

“Then, no. I don’t think we should be. In fact, I was told not to” Clarke admitted. “Yet here we are. If you can’t tell by now, it seems I’m unable to stay away from you, Commander.”

Lexa didn’t say anything. She just held her eyes. Now, out of habit. And desire.

And comfort.

“Do you regret asking me to dance?” Clarke asked her.

Lexa shook her head once more, this time more fervently.

“But it created tension between you and Indra. And Anya. And maybe my mother”

“I realize that” Lexa said, taking Clarke’s hand and breathing a silent thank you when she didn’t pull away. “But I do not regret it. Or you.”

Clarke smiled at her, hand fidgeting slightly but grip not at all willing to let go.

They stood silent for a moment, Lexa’s eyes fixed on the artist who was trying to educate her on the technicalities of art, in a room full of painted lessons.

“Um. This one is my favourite” Clarke said, pulling her arm gently as an invitation to look at the painting on the wall.

Lexa half-heartedly stopped basking in her face then looked at the piece Clarke was already describing.

Only Clarke didn’t need to describe it.

“Where did you—How did you paint this?” she interrupted Clarke.

“Oh. I don’t know. I was about 13 or 14 when I made it. I guess it just came to me and I loved the idea of a tree house because we obviously don’t have those here? So I painted this one and then added the hanging bridge connecting to another one. Completely unplanned, too. I just found a lone tree house to be rather bare and—“

“Lonely” Lexa whispered.

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah. Yeah, lonely. So, yeah. Tree houses. I asked my dad to build me one but there aren’t a lot of trees in Arkadia and I’m not very good at climbing them anyway”

Lexa nodded absentmindedly. Her eyes dragged all over the painting and its exquisite detail. Then she found it – a feature she was looking for but was hoping not to find. A wooden sign hung on one end of the hanging bridge: DO NOT PASS. And right under it was a careless scribble, “SECURITY ALERTED.”

“What made you add that?” she asked Clarke, a shaking finger pointing at the sign.

Clarke frowned as she tried to remember. “I can’t recall why. Maybe it was just stupid whim. But I guess it’s also cause this was an escape, you know? When I drew this, I was in a bad place because my parents were getting busier and busier with their political careers and I always wanted to run away. So this was kind of that place.”

“The place you would runaway to – if you could.”

“Exactly. It would be my own fortress, you know? So I thought it was smart to warn intruders” Clarke finished with a chuckle.

Lexa offered a smile. “Tell me more about this runaway place.”

Clarke looked vaguely surprised but pleased that Lexa had taken interest in her favourite piece. So she talked about the trees that she drew, some of kinds she has never seen before. She describe why the tree houses were angled a certain way and why it was dusk in the background. She explained why the oil on the bridge looks heavy, saying she didn’t know how to make it look stronger. Then she went about why there was only light from inside one tree house and not both.

Lexa listened, her heart barely keeping up with the words. She had her own explanations in her mind.

The trees were common in the forests of Polis. She has walked and ran through rows and mazes of them. She has climbed them as much as she tore them down. She has burned their wood and has slept upon their branches, high up from the ground.

The tree houses are angled that way because it would allow separate inhabitant to still keep an eye on each other – keep each other safe. Two tree houses may imply less loneliness but it also calls for attention. Having them positioned like that would allow whoever was dwelling in either house to have a clear view of anything that might climb or enter the other.

The hanging bridge looked sturdy because it was hardly ever crossed. The inhabitants were high on boundaries. Hence the sign.

Only one house was lighted because there eventually came a point when no one stayed in the other house anymore.

Lexa’s thoughts ran and ran as far as her dim memories could remember. She could hear Indra’s voice telling her the story of the twin tree houses, perched in the middle of the forest. Her memories ran and ran until Indra’s voice was as clear as Clarke’s.

She was back to being sixteen again. About 15 to 18 feet above ground, sitting on a sleeping bag with Indra next to her, telling her of a legend she could no longer remember. But she was back. On wooden floors, fresh air entering open windows and the colors of the sunset seeping through every crack they could.

She was back. To that very same tree house Clarke painted. The one with the light on.

She was back to one of the few, precious, and tender moments of her teenage years.

She could hear it, Indra’s warning from seven years ago.

“That sign, Lexa. Can you read it?” she was asked as the then Colonel pointed at the wooden sign of the bridge.

“DO NOT PASS. SECURITY ALERTED.”

“You know what that means?”

“That people should not come here?”

Indra shook her head. “That people will come here. It is up to you to decide who to let in and keep out.”

“Is this a lesson on defense, Colonel?” she asked.

“On security”

“There is a difference?” her younger self challenged.

“When you become Commander, you will understand.”

Now, she remembers.

Indra had found her there. She had tried to run away from her training camp. That was two days before she would be sent to her first warzone. Not to fight, but to observe. She was scared because she knew she would end up fighting. And fighting would lead to killing. She has hurt, injured and rendered a number of soldiers incapacitated but at that time, she has never killed. She didn’t know if she was ready to.

So she ran. She ran into the dying sun.

She didn’t know where to go until she found the tree houses. She had never gone to this side of the forest before and so thought this was the one place they couldn’t find her. The one place she could run away to.

Indra found her easily then decided to tell her of that legend.

Now, she knew what Indra meant.

The difference of defense and security.

Defense leads to security.

Defense is the wall. Security the purpose of the wall.

A person defends herself to be safe from the perils of the world.

A Commander defends herself so her people will be safe from their enemies.

She has been defending herself from harm for as long as she can remember. She has been building walls and shields and all defences imaginable so she can be safe from bullets and bombs and…pain. She has been defending herself to stay alive and lead her people. She would be no use to them dead.

She is their security.

She is defending them well.

She looked at Clarke and the radiance of passionate glow in explaining art to her tore down walls built over the years. She understood then that one can build defences to last lifetimes, to propel purpose and to fulfil destinies but one person – if it’s the right person – can completely topple down all of that.

You can defend and defend for as long as you live but when it’s the right person knocking on the door, you might not even wait for the security systems to crumble. You would take her hand and walk her in.

A breach in the security of an empire built to keep people out can come in the form of a friend, an ally, a lover – that was the lesson of the legend.

Lexa smiled back at Clarke and agreed to whatever she was being invited to. She allowed herself to be taken by the hand again and be pulled out of the gallery. She pushed back all questions that painting raised. She fought back guilt. She will not bemoan this moment Clarke chose to share with her.

Tonight, she will choose to forget a legend every Commander should know by heart.

She cannot remember the rest of Indra’s story. It would be senseless to recall it anyway.

She already knew that while her defenses were still a fortress, someone was already behind the walls.

**_What if this Commander’s heart knows something else?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have made this chapter longer and slower paced than intended but I hope it was not completely boring. Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for reading.


	5. Unraveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tried to stop herself from going back to high school with this stupid game that Octavia always starts. They were clearly not among regular peers and having to talk to Lexa in a normal conversation was hard enough but now that alcohol and a teenage game was on the table, she was for sure about to screw whatever progress she made at the art gallery.
> 
> But how much alteration can a drinking game do anyway?

(Clarke's POV)

Clarke readjusts her dark red leather jacket as she and Octavia wait at the back lawn of the Chancellor’s mansion. Her mother had come to see her just a few minutes ago and having after having the world’s most passive-aggressive argument on wardrobe, she had managed to haul her little black dress, black Chucks and jacket away from her mother’s clutches.

“You look hot, darling. Slightly irresponsible but hot” Abby had said as she kissed her goodbye.

“You know I was intentionally going for both” she replied before texting Octavia to come save her.

Apparenly, Octavia got the irresponsible-but-hot memo too because she had shown up at the balcony leading to where their cars would be in less fabric.

“You’re gonna get a cold” Clarke teased.

Octavia smirked at the hand behind Clarke’s back. “Please tell me that is for me”

Clarke laughed at how easy they could both read each other’s mind and tossed a letterman-styled jacket at her.

Octavia held it up and studied it for a bit. It had their University colours – cardinal red - but no actual logo or letter except for the name neatly scribbled on the left breast pocket.

“O. Blake” she read it out. “Did you have this made?”

“Yeah I was supposed to give it to you on graduation but since you’re leaving a year early and it’s kinda cold out tonight..”

“Aw, princess” Octavia cooed a little then hugged Clarke. “You’re awesome, you know that?”

Clarke just shrugged but hugged her tightly. They have yet to have a full conversation about Octavia’s military plans but they both know who’s going to miss the other the most. Octavia put on the jacket and started taking selfies when two dark SUVs parked in the pavement dividing the lawn and the balcony. The driver of the first one went down and handed Clarke the keys who absentmindedly tossed it to Octavia.

Clarke looked up the mansion where she can see the lights of the guest wing mostly off.

“Where is she?” she mumbled to herself.

She had offered to walk Lexa back to her suit after showing her the gallery but Lexa begged off politely, saying they both need to get ready and she might cause her to be late. Clarke didn’t know how on earth a walk would make them both late but then thought about every single minute she wanted to pull Lexa closer to her and decided it might be best to put at least an hour between them. As of this moment, she’s not sure how much longer she can keep herself from falling all over her. Their little trip to her gallery had confirmed one thing for her: Lexa is interested in her just as much as she is interested in Lexa.

She couldn’t help but feel gigantic butterflies having a party in her stomach whenever she thinks back on how Lexa paid attention to her. She would explain in detail about her work and Lexa would look at her and not even blink. She hung on to her every word and was genuinely interested on why a certain piece looked the way it looked. Before they went to opposite directions in the mansion, Lexa even brought up the fact that she loves her choices of flowers.

Clarke didn’t know what she was talking about until much later when she realized that Lexa was talking about one of her paintings. She remembered the flowers. Each one of them.

“Incoming” Octavia said, nodding towards the balcony.

Anya was leading the way in the most casual Clarke has ever seen her – ripped jeans, boots, a plaid button down revealing more skin than it was covering, and a beanie. If Octavia didn’t notice her before, she sure noticed now because her friend literally held up a finger making Anya stop on her tracks as Octavia studied her from head to toe.

“Yeah” Octavia said. “You’re definitely ready to party.”

Clarke’s eyes trailed away from Anya to where Lexa stood about a step behind. She wasn’t as casually dressed but Clarke couldn’t help but note that aside from the gown that knocked her off of her feet, this is the first time she’s seen Lexa in “normal” clothes.

Maybe she’s not a fan of colors, as Lexa was in an all-black ensemble of black jeans tucked in black boots with a black button down and a black double-breasted motorcycle jacket. But Clarke didn’t really mind because she swore as much as Lexa is literally blending in with the night, there was no darkness in the world that could hide the smile in her eyes.

A smile in her eyes exclusive for Clarke.

“Ready?” Clarke managed to choke out after being nudged by Octavia. She was staring again and everyone saw it this time. Lexa smirked slightly when she saw her blush. “Ready to go?”

Lexa nodded at her then studied the two SUVs parked a few paces away from them.

“Would you mind if your security detail take the second car with mine?” Clarke said. “On night outs, my mother has this stupid unbreakable rule that I take at least four guards with me”

“Just four?” Lexa asked, frowning. “To keep you safe?”

“How many would you need?”

“For me? Anya would be enough but Gustus is there, relentlessly” Lexa replied, walking towards the cars. “For you? An army.”

Octavia and Anya laughed while Clarke just stuck her tongue out at her.

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself!” she countered, opening the backseat door for Lexa. “Armies would fall to my feet.”

“No doubt about it” Lexa teased in a very solemn voice.

There goes another blush. This should be a drinking game. Drink whenever Lexa makes her blush. They’d be hammered in record time.

They got in their car with Octavia driving. Clarke kept changing the songs on her iPod trying to guess which ones Lexa would connect with but everytime she looked back at the mirror, there was nothing. The girl was just looking out the window, taking in the whole city. Clarke loved the way the city lights reflected on Lexa’s face. There was a contrast to it. The city was engulfed in darkness, highlighting the buildings which were still lighted.

Lexa’s face was like that. Kept in the shade, easily concealed in the lightless interior of the car but with eyes bright with curiosity and purpose, they can probably light the entire west coast.

Clarke’s eyes lingered longer than she intended and Lexa caught her staring. It’s not even that she hates being caught, it’s more than whenever she does, Lexa would almost always never look away. It’s always a challenge – who would look away first and it’s impossibly difficult not to be overwhelmed by the storm that rages in her stomach or the thunder party in her chest. So she has to look away. And she can tell that whenever she does, Lexa is silently pleased with herself but at the same time might be misreading that as her disinterest. This was not disinterest.

This was simply trying to stay sane.

“Are you two staying in the car all night?” Octavia asked Clarke.

Clarke looked out the window and they were already outside the club they frequent. She took a deep breath to steady herself before catching Lexa and Anya exchange a look behind them. “Are you ready, Commander?”

Lexa nodded at her and stepped out of the door being held open by Gustus.

The long line of crowd didn’t at first notice them but as soon as Clarke said hi to the bouncer waiting for them, they instantly had flashes in their face. Of course there would be press there. Not as many as usual but she should have expected that while her mother made the agreement to keep the Commander’s visit's coverage to official events only, the same did not cover her. She could recognize the three or four photographers there and she tried to ignore them but the long line of people waiting to get in the club were starting to wave at them too.

“An army would be good about now” Lexa teased in her ear, trying to shield her from the photographers.

Clarke smiled confusedly at her, “What are you doing?”

“Did you want them to take pictures of you?”

“No but I should be the one keeping you off the spotlight, Commander” Clarke replied, rolling her eyes. She waved politely back at the people who were already calling out her name. She hates it hearing her name from lips of strangers but it was something she was used to.

Then just as Octavia started ushering her in, some people broke out of the line and started yelling Lexa's attention and from out of nowhere it seems, more photographers and reporters came rushing towards them. Clarke’s bodyguards were quick to block them, as was Gustus but she still heard the question.

_“Clarke, what is going on with you and the Commander???”_

Lexa didn’t look bothered but this was the last thing Clarke expected tonight. As if on instinct, she grabbed Lexa’s hand and pulled her into the club’s entrance. The crowd in there was worse in number than outside but at least no one had noticed that they had come in and who they were. Yet. She kept a firm hold on Lexa’s hand as they followed Octavia to the stairs at the other side of the club. Before they got there, a semi-drunk guy who had absolutely no idea who they were stopped blocked their way, ignored the fact that her fingers were interlaced with Lexa and asked for a dance while offering a drink.

Clarke didn’t know what possessed her, maybe it was the crowd, the music, the claustrophobia sinking in but she growled at the man, “She’s with me!”

He looked at her like she was the one who was drunk but backed away. Clarke pulled Lexa gently, mumbling an apology. They hurried up the stairs where finally they had a little more privacy. She didn’t let go of Lexa’s hand and Lexa didn’t pull it away.

“We are not staying down there?” Lexa asked her.

“No, we never stay down there. Too many people”

“And photographers”

Clarke took a quick glance behind her and saw what she expected to see – a knowing look on Lexa’s face. “Yeah, and too many photographers. I’m sorry about that.”

“Why?”

“I know you value your privacy. I should have prepared for them and have you better protected. I’m guessing my bodyguards already called in for back-up”

Clarke waited for her to respond to that but she didn’t. So they climbed the flight of stairs behind Octavia quietly. Three floors later they finally reached a long, dark and empty hallway where they could no longer hear the music from below them.

“Have we just been kidnapped?” Anya asked as they walked towards the steel doors at the end of the hall. “This does not look like a party”

“We don’t party down there” Clarke said with a chuckle. She gave a reassuring squeeze on Lexa’s hand before she started to slowly let go of it.

Lexa didn’t let her though. She stopped walking and tightened the grip.

“What?” Clarke asked, feeling her throat suddenly run dry. “Are you okay?”

“Two things” Lexa said, completely serious. “I came here willingly”

“This isn’t a kidnapping!”

“And you don’t protect me. I protect you.”

Clarke quirked an eyebrow at her. There was nothing about Lexa’s voice, face and stance that hid any hint of a joke. So she didn’t take it as a joke. The thing about her, ever since she was younger, she always knew the arguments that she could win and she couldn’t. And while this moment was not technically any form of dispute or discourse, she knew that it was a turning point. Tonight, for some reason, Lexa was not holding back speaking truths and declarations of what they have been actively avoiding.

Maybe she shouldn’t too.

“Okay” she muttered, reaching nervously for Lexa’s hand.

Lexa didn’t expect that response. Nor the invitation to hold hands again. She looked bemused.

“It’s just--- well, stairs. There are a few more we would be climbing” Clarke explained defensively.

Lexa took it without another word, tilted her head for Clarke to lead the way.

Octavia and Anya were already waiting for them at the end of the hall. Octavia smirked at their laced fingers while Anya chose to look away. Behind the steel doors were another set of stairs, only leading up, more steep and enclosed. The space was so narrow, all four of them had to walk in a single line and one after the other, a problem Clarke realized – she didn’t necessarily want to let go of Lexa’s hand.

Clarke checked on Lexa, one floor up, wondering if maybe she should just let go because first, it was ridiculous holding a grown woman who doesn’t really need her help. Second, because now she was sure that holding hands only made the climb harder and third, well, if she doesn’t let go now, she might not for the rest of the night.

Lexa didn’t seem to mind their whole arrangement. She didn’t even seem breathless over the climb.

So Clarke held onto her until two floors later they reached the rooftop of the building. The coolness of the night kissed her face as soon as Octavia opened the door of the rooftop to reveal that one of their favourite places to hang out at was decorated just the way they like it. There were two couches, blankets upon blankets, pillows and bean bags on the floor, a table for food, a table for drinks, Christmas lights hanging over their heads, and at the far end of the open space, a furnace in the form of a tiny bonfire. The music – a familiar party selection to Clarke’s ears – was just right. Perfect venue and perfect music, their little private spot was full of everything she needed for tonight to be as normal as possible.

And friends. Almost all of Clarke’s and Octavia’s High School friends were there – Jasper, Monty, Maya, Murphy, Harper and…Raven. That explains the stellar choice of music. Clarke had to admit how much she missed this particular style of music.

“John Murphy, what are you doing here?” Clarke called out to the guy nearest their make-shift bar. She gently let go Lexa’s hand and hugged him.

“I own the place, don’t I?” he replied, as he awkwardly returned Clarke’s hug. “I’m not staying.”

Clarke looked up at him, trying to gauge what changed since the last time they saw each other – almost two years ago. “What’s going on, Murph?”

“I heard we would have special guests and I wanted to be sure they were comfortable before I leave”

“For where? You skipped college”

Murphy just shrugged. His gazed around the room where Octavia was introducing everyone to each other except Lexa who just stood silent behind Clarke.

“Nowhere in particular” he said. “Could I at least meet the Commander of Blood?”

Clarke tapped his shoulders lightly then proceeded to introduce Lexa. After a slightly awkward exchange, he was true to his word, leaving them the exclusive access and use of the rooftop. Clarke took Lexa’s hand again and introduced her to her friends. It was quite a sight – seeing someone in Lexa’s position and power, conversing lightly with a bunch of 20 year olds who acted exactly according to their age. She didn’t want to leave her side but she very early on noticed that everyone was stealing glances at the two of them holding hands. So discreetly, she dropped Lexa’s hand and casually avoided staring at her for the rest of the night.

“Clarke, are you not telling us something?” Monty asked her as the mood of their private party started to mellow down. The two of them sat on one of the couches and watched their friends laugh at a joke Octavia said. “Why did you bring her here?”

“I don’t know”

“Crushing on her?”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s not even that. I just need to get to know her”

“I’m sorry to push but don’t they have Google for that? Or an entire department under the Chancellor’s directive?”

“Not like that… Just, I don’t know. There’s something about her that I can’t quite place since I met her. And the more time I spend with her, the more it doesn’t make sense but at the same time, things do make sense with her”

Monty chuckled. In all the years they have known each other, Clarke never spills about her personal life – whether she had one to spill about or not. And she never babbles on. Unless, she had a little too much to drink but even then, she would most likely mutter incoherently than come-up with a babbling tale of her private thoughts.

“Clarke? How much have you had to drink?”

Clarke thought about it for a minute. “I think I’ve gone over my limit.”

“You think?” Jasper said, joining them. “The last time you were this drunk was High School graduation and we all know how that turned out.”

The two boys laughed and Clarke placed her drink away from her as the rest of the group decided to join them. She realized she might actually be a little too tipsy because none of their faces were as clear as she remembered. She gave Octavia a look conveying her slight panic that she had drunk more than she intended too. Octavia immediately understood it and essentially shooed the boys off the couch and onto the floor.

“How bad?” she whispered at Clarke.

“Nothing to worry about when it’s just us” Clarke whispered back. She smiled at Lexa who took a seat on the couch opposite theirs with a glass of brandy. “How many has she had?”

“That's her second one and she hasn't sipped it at all” Octavia said, in awe. “Three hours of and that’s all she’s had. The level of self-control she has is freaky.”

Clarke nodded, “Can’t argue with that. Just don’t let me do anything I might regret?”

“Always, Princess. But I do want to play a game. Mostly, for you. Just, stay seat while I —Hey, guys!” Octavia called out to Anya and Raven still talking near their make-shift bonfire. “Join us, will you? It’s time to play a game.”

Clarke groaned inwardly. Octavia and her games are the worst combination next to alcohol and choices. Anya took her seat next to Lexa while Raven eyed one bean bag, the blankets and the empty space next to Clarke.

Clarke tilted her head, inviting her friend to sit next to her. Raven obliged with a huge smile on her face, that is, until she realized that Clarke was red and slightly tipsy.

“How much has she had?” she whispered urgently at Octavia. That was out of habit, all three of them noted.

“Wow, Clarke. Who knew that you drunk is the only thing that would make her talk to me again” Octavia said, with a bit of bite in her tone. Then she sighed and softened up a bit when she remembered they had an audience. “She’s fine. Just don’t let her…go anywhere. Alright, everybody ready?”

Lexa eyed her. “What are we playing?”

“I’m surprised you sound interested, Commander. Are you sure you want to join us kids in our fun?”

Clarke noted how easily Octavia found it to joke with Lexa tonight. They both seemed to have dropped their walls a little bit even if Lexa barely said anything all night. She was very present, very aware and very attentive to everything and everyone in the party – even of the fact that Clarke had kept an understated distance between them. Octavia is in fine form too – jokes, innuendos, and non-stop calling everybody out. Everybody except Raven. She has taken a crack once or twice out of Lexa and surprising a then-fully- sober Clarke, the Commander kept up quite well.

“If you don’t mind losing” Lexa said, a kink in her eyebrow bringing down her Commander persona.

Octavia laughed an airy mocking tone, “Fine. The game is quite simple. It’s called Two Truths and a Lie. Each one of us will say three random but personal facts about ourselves. Of that three, two are truths and one is a lie. Then we take turns guessing, if you guess wrong, you take a shot of tequila but if you guessed right, whoever was caught with the lie takes the shot instead.”

While the group echoed their agreement and excitement and across exchanges of empty shot glasses and a bottle of tequila being passed to the center of the group, Clarke studied the puzzled look on Lexa’s face. It was obvious she has never played this game before. She doesn’t have to be fully sober to see that but it’s the analytical look to go with the confusion that she worried for. She started to get up so she could see what may be wrong but she felt Raven’s hand on hers.

“If you walk over there now, you’ll confirm to everyone here what every tabloid in Arkadia claims” Raven whispered to her.

She stared.

“How do—“

“I know?” Raven asked with a sympathetic look. “Clarke, we may have had a falling out but I know you and I’ve seen you when you were into someone, remember? If it weren’t for the humongous wall you’re pretending to exist between the two of you, you’d be painting a portrait of her by now.”

“I feel like I know her” Clarke admitted for the second time tonight. “And I’m scared that maybe I do. Know her, I mean. Do you think it’s possible to just completely forget someone you’ve met before? Just erase them from your memory?”

Raven sadly past her.

“No” she said with evident melancholy. “Not even if you tried your hardest.”

Clarke knew what she was talking about and even with Octavia and Jasper arguing the rules of the game in the background, she still can't get over spilling her fears to two people in one night. She stole another glance at Lexa who was whispering back and forth with Anya. She couldn’t help herself anymore.

“Lexa?” she called out in a cracked voice.

Octavia and Jasper stopped arguing immediately. Monty, Maya and Harper’s laughs ceased like they were put on instant mute while Raven just sighed sharply beside Clarke. Anya pursed her lips, in an amused way, like she just can’t wait what Clarke has to say.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke croaked again. Alcohol reflux was a bitch. Or maybe that’s just nerves. Or maybe that’s just how you feel when you have everyone’s attention on you. “I mean, is everything okay because you look a little puzzled there?”

Lexa considered for a minute. She looked like she was about to get up from the couch but decided against it the minute she locked eyes with Clarke. “Nothing is wrong. I do have one question. For Octavia.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Octavia. Except Clarke. She just stared at Lexa, wondering if the slight ruffle in her behaviour was still over the rules of the game.

“How do we know who wins?” Lexa asked.

Clarke chuckled. Of course it was still about the game that Lexa has never played before. If Raven was not holding her to her seat, she would have gone over to Lexa and kissed her.

Maybe not.

Clarke caught her thoughts just quick enough to will them away from going further down a road she cannot trek. She scolded herself mentally, thinking she should have had better self-control when it came to her alcohol intake but a voice from somewhere in her kept arguing back. She didn’t have these thought because of alcohol. She wasn’t thinking about kissing Lexa because she was drunk. If she was brave enough to allow herself to think about it fully, she would eventually admit that she needed the couple of drinks so she would stop thinking about kissing Lexa.

“Um” Octavia’s response broke through the mental chastisement Clarke was giving herself. “Whoever is most drunk at the end of the night loses? The most sober wins.”

“Level of alcohol tolerance varies per person” Lexa pointed out.

“Right… Let’s see…” Octavia quickly counted everyone there. “Well, there are nine of us here so the first person to reach nine shots loses and the furthest from nine wins?”

Lexa thought about it. Clarke could tell that in Lexa’s mind there were still loopholes in the rules but she finally nodded.

“Now we just have to decide how to pick who would guess the lies” Octavia said, about to restart her argument to Jasper.

“That’s what the bottle is for, O” Clarke said, pointing to an empty wine bottle near the tequila. “Spin and whoever it points to will guess.”

The group jumped onto the idea so Octavia and Jasper dropped whatever they were debating about and Octavia excitedly grabbed the bottle.

“Okay, I will spin first and I get to pick who gives their truths and lie. Then that person gets to spin and pick, okay? Whoever spun can pick whoever's secrets they want to hear--let's see who will tonight's crowd's favorite will be”

“Spin the damn thing, we know how this goes!” Jasper said, spilling his drink as he tried to steal the bottle from Octavia.

As Octavia spun the bottle, Clarke stared across it and gave Lexa a look asking how she was. Lexa smiled at her quickly before returning her attention to the bottle, in time to see that it stopped and pointed at Raven.

“Ooooohhh” was a chorus from their friends.

Clarke had to smile. High School really was a place where secrets were hardly kept. Everyone knew everything. Well, almost everything but when you run around with a close group of friends and everyone knew everybody, nothing escaped anybody. She checked to see if Anya and Lexa were in on the joke. Anya was, as she offered Octavia a bantering and suggestive grin. Lexa was more cautious as if she didn’t want to react to something that could potentially be reactive on its own.

“Rae” Octavia tried saying Raven’s nickname. She cleared her throat at how easy it was to fall back into that. “I want you to guess…Anya’s.”

Octavia stuck her tongue out at Anya, pleased at how she found a suitable revenge for teasing her a moment ago. Anya sat up properly, her mind already prepared.

Clarke watched as Anya transformed herself from one of their friends back to being Lexa’s second-in-command – stoic and unreadable. She wondered if Lexa would be the same too before praying that she would be the one who gets to guess Lexa’s two truths and one lie. Then prayed harder that she would be able to guess correctly. She took the small window of everyone’s attention on Anya for her thoughts to wander as far as the conversation she had with Lexa that afternoon in her gallery.

She quickly scanned her memory for what Lexa said to her and wondered if any of it was a lie. She hasn’t thought about the possibility of it. Lexa say very little to her and what she does say all seemed truthful. Sincere. And even if they weren’t, she felt like she would very easily tell the lies just by meeting Lexa’s eyes. Why is that?

_Because I know her._

“Okay. I really want to kiss Octavia tonight.” Anya started, holding up a finger to count the facts about herself. “I’ve never had a serious relationship with a guy. And I have killed more people than I have loved.”

Raven’s eyes narrowed as she tried to find any tell on Anya’s face. On first hunch, she knew which one was the lie. But the fact that Octavia blushed at the first revelation and sat back down next to Clarke threw her off the scent.

Clarke, meanwhile, can’t get over the last trivia Anya gave. She knows that Polis is a completely different world than Arkadia, with laws that are unimaginable here. She was very aware of this fact before Lexa’s delegation arrived. Meeting Lexa, however, she forgot the horror she has heard about their culture. She forgot that there was a time in Lexa’s life that war was all she knew. That war and killing and violence was the norm.

Anya would have been there too. With Lexa. No wonder there is an inseparable bond there. A loyalty built in the face of death.

 “You’re lying about the never having a serious relationship with guy” Raven finally guessed.

Anya’s façade broke and she shook her head. “Nope.”

“No way?”

“That one’s true” Anya said, reaching for the tequila and pouring Raven a shot. “So is the killing.”

“So you lied about wanting to kiss me?!” Octavia raged as Raven drank the shot a little too happily. “You don’t want to kiss me?!”

“Not tonight, beautiful”

“Hey, that’s a technicality!” Monty protested.

Anya just shrugged. “Half-truths are lies”

She stood up and spun the bottle which landed on Jasper. “I get to pick who he guesses, right?”

“Yeah” Octavia replied with colored relief.

Clarke watched her. She couldn’t tell what Octavia was relief about. That Anya didn’t want to kiss her…or that Anya didn’t want to kiss her just yet.

“I pick Octavia” Anya told Jasper.

“Of course you do” Octavia grumbled as she scooted nearer to Clarke who gave her a supportive hug. “I’m ready. I’m going to Polis not only because I want to be a better soldier than my brother but because I want to be Clarke’s official guard. I made out with three random guys one night in college. And…my first kiss was Monty.”

Jasper choked on the beer he was playing with inside his mouth. “No way. I would have known if he was your first kiss!”

Octavia challenged that sentiment with a cocky shrug.

“He wasn’t your first kiss!” Jasper insisted his guess and groaned when Monty grimaced. “No fucking way!”

“It was in fourth grade, calm down and take your shot.” Octavia laughed, passing him a shot glass.

Jasper didn’t bother asking which one was the lie but Clarke knew. She winked at Octavia when she sat back down knowing that if someone had asked, Octavia would admit to making out with three random girls, not guys, because she wanted to know if she could be attracted to them. The way Raven was with her. No dice.

Six rounds later, Raven had three shots, Octavia one, Jasper one and Harper one after they all picked on Anya and Lexa. Clarke just sat and listened, gathering as much information about Lexa as she can. She loved tha Lexa didn’t hold back even if they all know she gave the least personal facts. That was more than okay. When morning comes, she would be the Commander again.

“I had my heart disappointed when I was 15” she had given as a truth and Clarke found herself wanting to give almost anything to learn that story.

“I’ve only ever liked someone that one time” was another truth and at that point Clarke took a swig from the drink she was ignoring and realized that somewhere in her was a pang of jealousy. Over someone she has never met before. She didn’t even know how serious it was because Lexa was very careful with the words she used to describe the level of affections she had. But the fact that someone had held Lexa before, probably kissed her without restrictions and was allowed to have exclusivity of her feelings but threw all of that away made her ache with unwarranted bitterness inside.

“I’m here purely for business” was the last lie that Harper missed.

Lexa said her business in Arkadia had taken a pleasurable turn. The minute she said it, Clarke’s head bobbed from the drink she was practically inhaling at this point and straight at the gaze that was already on her. She didn’t say anything but there was something both comforting and disturbing about how more often than not, when she worries over and seeks for the assurance from Lexa’s eyes that what was being said was about her or for her, such need was already hers.

Freely given.

Clarke silently conveyed her appreciation to the girl who now owns all of her attention then wonders how much more does Lexa have left in her to give. They weren’t even anything to each other. Yet. How could someone give her this much when there is no rule for it—and a whole book of laws against it.

The bottle stopped spinning and now pointed at Lexa. Harper picked Clarke.

“Have you even been thinking of your truths and lies, Princess?” Octavia teased when Clarke gave her a panicked look. She leaned in closer to whisper, “I have been doing my very best to buy you time to sober up so you better not screw this.”

Clarke gestured at the empty drink in her hand and Octavia shot Raven an angry look. “You had one job!”

“I’m not the one blushing at every truth and lie the General over there has been spitting out” Raven hissed back.

“Cut it you two” Clarke whispered harshly. “I’m ready”

She stared straight at Lexa, deciding that as much as she knows it would be easier to lie if they didn’t look at each other, it would also be a dead giveaway.

“I’ve only ever been in-love once” Clarke said. She paused to see if she could get any reaction from Lexa except there was nothing but an encouraging smile in her eyes. The rest of the Commander’s face was unreadable. “I have kissed every girl on this rooftop except you and Anya. And…I’ve never been attracted to someone off-limits”

Clarke smacked her lips together as if daring Lexa to guess right away. She confidently smiled at her, but at the same time everything about her was nervous as hell. She had set it up in such a way that Lexa’s guess would give her insight on what she thinks of her. She could have gone with a different set of facts but an answer to any of those would only reveal stuff about her—not about the girl she is trying to figure out. And she needs to figure Lexa out while she still has her in this kind of environment—away from the politics and political facades.

“Of course you have been in-love. And if it was true, it cannot have been more than once...for now” Lexa said, refusing to back down from their unspoken staring contest. “And then...Well. The Chancellor’s daughter would not dare break rules”

“Maybe you’re not playing with the Chancellor’s daughter” Clarke blurted out. The second she did, she regretted it.  She knew she had given away a clue.

“Who am I playing with then?”

“Just…Clarke” she slipped again.

Clarke almost sighed in defeat because of course that’s all she has ever been in front of Lexa. As hard as she tried to be the perfect daughter and representation of her mother and her people, as much as she has achieved a certain decorum, she could never be anything less or more than who she truly is.

Just a girl with a lot on her hands, a future planned out for her and an increasing dilemma on who to be and who to love.

Lexa exhaled. “Still. I think the second one is a lie.”

“Why?” Clarke asked, her voice breaking like earlier. "Why not the third?"

Was this how Lexa viewed her? Someone who kept to the rules all the time? Someone who really does put a high premium on being her mother’s daughter? A good girl who just happens to have a few bad choices under her belt? Like dancing with the Commander of Blood at a State Dinner held in her honor? Or sitting on top of a building’s rooftop, getting drunk while trying to cross this line between her and someone she has no business to be…falling for?

“Why would anyone fall for someone they know they cannot have? Wouldn’t you want to save yourself the heartbreak?” Lexa asked her somberly.

Clarke gulped.

She felt the hair on her arms and at the back of her neck stand and not because of the sudden chilly gust of cold air that almost killed their bonfire. It was because she has heard that statement from somewhere before. She was told this before. The voice kept echoing in her mind, like a mantra she has stored away. Only the mantra didn’t stay shut in some forsaken memory vault but is now singing on repeat inside her head and—with Lexa’s voice.

_Why would anyone fall for someone they know they cannot have? Wouldn’t you want to save yourself the heartbreak?_

“You’re wrong” she said both to herself and to Lexa.

“Am I?” Lexa remarked. “You have kissed every girl on this rooftop, then? Except Anya and me?”

Clarke nodded and the girl giggled hard.

“To be clear, it was on a dare” Raven said as she handed the tequila bottle to Clarke. “And she said she didn’t enjoy any of us—I mean, any of the kisses.”

Clarke poured Lexa a shot and then poured two for herself. “Not to be a killjoy, but excuse me for a second. I think I had more than I bargained for. I need some air.”

She doesn’t wait for an answer from her friends, she just stood up, with two shot glasses of tequila and headed for the stairs leading to a second tier in the rooftop – the helipad that was never really used. She could hear Lexa following her silently as her friends teased them in the background.

The helipad was much colder than where they were sitting and as she leaned on the railings at the far edge of it, she saw both Anya and Octavia had followed them but stayed by the stairs. Lexa stopped about a step away from her and studied her closely. Clarke sheepishly handed her one shot glass.

“Cheers” she said then downed her own. She watched as Lexa studied it for a minute then drank with effortless grace. “I’m sorry—I just, I couldn’t sit and wonder anymore. You should have stayed with them. I know for a fact there are more disastrous stories there. They get more entertaining as they get more drunk”

“Wonder what?” Lexa was clearly uninterested in anyone else’s story.

“Earlier tonight, you said that you protect me and I don’t protect you—why is that?”

Lexa was surprised by the question. She glanced back at their two friends who were keeping a respectful distance but a very close eye on them.

“I’m better trained” she replied.

“You don’t think I could protect you?”

“I think you want to. You want to protect everyone, Clarke” Lexa said, her eyes dancing with elusive adoration that Clarke, drunk as she was, simply could not miss. “You hate being the one protected, don’t you?”

Clarke scoffed. “And that’s appalling to you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“How does it feel, Lexa? To have people literally ready to die for you?”

“If you think that it makes me feel safe, Clarke, you are wrong. It only assures me that there is a system in place. That should they fail, and should I die, the world I leave behind will not completely fall into ruin”

Lexa said it in such a way that made failure and death not only inevitable but near. Imminent. Real. And yet, Clarke didn’t feel the usual fear that follows. Maybe it was the poetic melody in Lexa’s voice or the fact that Lexa had stepped slightly closer to her, enough to feel the warmth of her breath. She wanted to collapse in the security that Lexa’s presence was offering her from the pure patience in her eyes, and softness in her voice and to the protective stance of her body.

“And if I die protecting you?” she asked, not knowing where the question was coming from.

Lexa’s eyes blazed at her. “I won’t let you.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think that’s your destiny, Clarke” Lexa replied after deep thoughts.

“And if you die protecting me?”

Lexa smiled at her. “When did protecting someone exclusively mean dying for them?”

There it was.

The question Clarke had been wanting someone to ask her. She doesn’t know why but no one has asked anything remotely close to that question. She tried to weave that in in conversations with her mother and with Octavia but she always felt like they were afraid to ask it. And when Lexa told her that she would protect her, she knew instantly that if she played it right, Lexa would understand enough to bring up the question.

“I just always thought that’s how it worked” Clarke admitted. “Sacrifice, I mean.”

“Is that how your father died? Protecting you?”

Clarke stared at her. She expected Lexa to understand her fears. Just not the reason behind them.

“No. Not really. I don't know. Maybe. I was the last person he talked to, you know. He was on the phone with me. I was the last person to hear him alive” she narrated. She thought she would cry but again, something about the way Lexa listened made her feel less sad.

Less guilty. Less scared.

Clarke could also tell that Lexa was more than aware of the missing details of this story but was innately considerate not to ask about them.

“You’ve never told anyone this, have you?” Lexa guessed.

Clarke shook her head and looking away to hide the tears that were starting to form in her eyes. She still didn’t feel like crying but she know that Lexa could very easily tell how much she was hurting right now. She didn’t want to put her in a position where she had to comfort her. Even if she wanted to comforted. She wanted to be held.

She wanted Lexa to hold her because Lexa’s embrace feels like going home to a place she never knew she wanted to live in.

“You’re scared your mother will blame you but more than that, you are mortified at the thought that she wouldn’t. You know she wouldn’t. She would never. And that means you will just feel guiltier. You will blame yourself more” Lexa said with little affection but with an understanding that felt like she was reading it out of a textbook.

“You read minds now?” Clarke managed to joke.

“Just your eyes” Lexa admitted. “They are true as they are beautiful.”

Clarke felt her move closer to her again. There was no space between them now. She anticipated a hug but Lexa didn’t hug her. Instead, she silently offered her shoulder. Clarke looked up at her eyes and realized that Lexa didn’t want to hug her first. Lexa didn’t want to cross that line unless she was invited in. And she realized that she wasn’t sure if inviting her in was a good idea. She knew what she wanted but it would have been easier if the decision was not hers solely to make.

So instead of allowing herself to embrace Lexa, she just rested her chin on her shoulder. It should have been awkward and she did feel like it was until she felt that she just fits there. She nuzzled her head against Lexa’s neck and her cheek nestled gently on the most stable of shoulders she has ever come across with.

That’s when she felt it. The warm trickle of unshed tears finally escaping her control.

“They’re sad too” Lexa whispered.

“How can you tell?”

Lexa shrugged so Clarke pressed on. “Tell me.”

“I look at you and you remind me of going home from war. There is victory and there is loss and there a promise that must be fulfilled. You feel compelled to be the one to fulfill it. But you forget something more important. Victories don’t last and while the braver ones would do well to enjoy them while we can, you’re sad because you do not have that courage. You have…wisdom and you know better. So you focus on the promise and not the victory.”

Clarke stared at her, trying to understand one metaphor to the next.

“You want to live up to your father’s legacy” Lexa explained to her when her eyes started to lose focus. “You want to embody all that he was so he may continue to live. And you want to be that person for your mother – a supporter, an ally, someone to confide in. Someone to be proud of. Someone who can fix problems before they ever arise.”

“And you think I’m not?” Clarke asked.

Lexa shook her head. “I think you are the only person who thinks that.”

Clarke scoffed. “Didn’t you just lose a round because you thought I would never fall for someone off limits? Because you think of me as someone who would never purposely disappoint my mom?”

Lexa shook her head again.

“For once, will you please just speak without having me beg for your thoughts?” Clarke complained. “I’m a little drunk here!”

“You’re a lot drunk” Lexa corrected, smiling despite of herself. She reached for Clarke’s face and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “While passion exudes from your every breath, Clarke Griffin, you are still, above all, a person who has such high expectations of herself. And a person who still has her head above her heart. A trait you and I share.”

Clarke leaned her face slightly to rest it on Lexa’s hand but Lexa pulled her hand away at the contact. She considered the last part of what Lexa said. Does that mean that even if they had made monumental leaps in getting to know each other more, Lexa would also stop herself from falling for someone who was clearly forbidden?

Is Lexa falling for her too? Is she drowning in questions of familiarity and mystery as well?

And is she, Clarke, the daughter of the Chancellor, truly forbidden?

Clarke rested her head back on Lexa’s shoulders and from hazy, tear-filled eyes saw Anya and Octavia still standing by the stairs. She couldn’t hear them but she knows they were talking about them. She wiped her eyes, drunk enough to attempt lip-reading in the dark but she felt Lexa’s hand on her back.

It was far from the embrace she craved but still it felt of…salvation. A steady and calm touch bursting of unspoken truths and silent proclamations. Lexa was stroking her gently, a reaffirmation of empathy and an invitation to unravel some more.

“Do you want to hear another truth?” Lexa whispered, her voice shaking for the first time.

Clarke hummed in response, her heart attempting to break out of her chest at the quiver of Lexa’s voice.

“I like the Chancellor’s daughter” Lexa said, firmly.

“But..?”

“I like this Clarke Griffin more”

Clarke didn’t know how to respond so she finally just gave up on the pretense that she has an ounce of self-control left and hugged Lexa full-on. She counted the hearbeats and swore she really was drunk because she didn’t reach three before Lexa embraced her fervently.

“Oh shit” Octavia said, out of their earshot. “That can’t be good”

Anya smirked, her eyes sharp at the sight away from them. “You think?”

“Well, that confirms one thing”

“She likes the Commander?”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “I knew that the night she met her. I just meant—you know, she—well, she—“

“She’s not straight?” Anya supplied when she looked over and realized that Octavia was struggling on how to properly word it.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve known but she’s been very careful about it.”

Anya raised an eyebrow at her. “This is not an obvious thing?”

“For the most part, Clarke is only a hundred percent straight when she’s sober” Octavia laughed.

“And you are telling me because?”

“Because between you and me, I’m not the one who reduces a night out with friends to a debriefing report in the morning.”

Anya understood immediately what Octavia meant. She knows there was an insult in there but the truth being called out was indisputable – she was still under orders to learn more of Clarke. And this was a particular information that the Commander would want to know. Or to be sure of. Even if it was fairly obvious from the start. It was none of her business so she didn’t want to inquire into that further except that the revelation does pose a threat on one aspect that is her concern—Lexa’s heart.

“Would it matter? If this turns to more than just a night of poor choices and revelations?”

“Clarke knows her role in Arkadia” Octavia side-stepped the question.

“Which means?”

“She is the daughter of the Chancellor whose power is dictated by this thing called democracy. And that means you kind of have to please a lot of people…and not offend a whole lot more” Octavia explained, knowing that what she said just didn’t make sense. She rolled her eyes at her own statement and at the level of hypocrisy Arkadia sometimes has.

“So?”

Octavia shrugged. “So, she tends not to show the world all of her”

“Because they would take offense?” Anya asked incredulously.

“There are still some parts of Arkadia that are irrationally traditional” Octavia said with more judgment that defensiveness.

Anya scoffed. “Traditional. That’s what you call it here?”

“It’s the politically correct term.”

“And Clarke is always politically correct?”

Octavia smirked and nodded her head at the direction of Clarke and Lexa who were still very much in their own little world, detached from the consequences of the evening.

“Well. Not tonight it seems” Octavia made her way down the stairs and soon Anya, with frustration evident, followed her.

Clarke saw them both leave and realized that maybe she and Lexa had already stolen too much away from the night and had already altered too much from the reality around them.

“I’m sorry” she said, pulling away from Lexa. She smiled at her when she saw that there was genuine confusion at the statement. “This was not what I invited you out for”

“I didn’t come here to party” Lexa said, playing with their interlaced fingers. “I do not party.”

Clarke doesn’t know how that happened but somehow she knew that she was the one who reach for both of Lexa’s hand and intertwined their fingers. She felt cheesy at the thought of how she has held hands before but none of those every left like Lexa’s. None of those hands had fingers which fit perfectly between the gaps in hers.

“Then why did you say yes to the invitation?”

Lexa’s smile was lopsided and threatened to be more of a smirk.

“You are very hard to say no to”

“Is that a half-truth I detect?  Clarke said that as a joke but in the split second that Lexa broke eye contact, she recognized that maybe she wasn’t entirely off.

“I have a secret” Lexa told her softly.

Clarke studied her. This definitely was not a joke. She saw how Lexa was now absentmindedly rubbing the back of her hand with her thumb. She really did have a secret to share. Or a crime to confess. When their eyes met, Clarke knew that this was something that Lexa had been thinking of for a long time.

“I want to know you”

“We extended the invitation before there was anything worth knowing here” Clarke countered.

“Or so you thought”

“Flattery doesn’t work on me when I’m a little drunk.”

Lexa sighed.

“A lot drunk” she said, laughing along with Clarke. “I was not flattering you. And I was not done. I wanted to know you through your peers, that much was a given and then this afternoon, I knew that even if you had not asked me here, I would have wanted you to. I would have made it possible to know you. For myself.”

“I’m still missing the ‘why’ part” Clarke insisted. “And the ‘secret’ part. What’s the almighty Commander afraid of disclosing?”

“You know the painting you showed me? The one with the tree houses? It exists.”

Lexa said it without taking a breath or a pause and without further prodding from Clarke that the statement just hung in the air for a while.

“The painting? Well, duh.”

“No, the place”

Clarke quirked an eyebrow up at her. “I’m sorry, I’m a little drunk—“

“You are a lot drunk—“

“Yes, you already said that! And, so maybe I heard you wrong?”

Lexa shook her head patiently at her. “I’ve been there. It’s deep in the forests of Polis. I used to go there often when I was younger. Before I was Commander. Now it’s your turn to tell me a secret.”

Clarke let go of her hand and hugged herself, her mind trying to convince the rest of her that it’s just unnaturally cold where they were standing. But she heard it again - Lexa’s voice from a distant memory.

“I’m still processing whether you’re still playing two truths and a lie or not” she tried to joke but it fell flat.

“I’m not” Lexa insisted. “Have you ever been to Polis, Clarke?”

Clarke regarded her with slight annoyance. “You want a secret? Because that is one question that has been bothering me since I met you”

It was Lexa’s turn to stare. “Why is that?”

“Because I have met you before, Lexa and I cannot remember when” Clarke finally blurted after holding her breath and Lexa’s gaze for what felt like an eternity. “We have met before but I have never been to Polis. I know you from somewhere. I remember you from somewhere but I can’t remember from anywhere. And since it seems rather clear that between you and me, you’re the smarter one so maybe you have the answers on why I painted a picture of a place you’ve been to but I only seriously just imagined”

“We’ve never met before-”

“No but Indra said memories fail”

“You have talked to Indra about this?”

Clarke nodded but didn’t elaborate. She already knew Indra doesn’t like her for some reason and judging by the change in Lexa’s demeanor, she knew details would only complicate matters further.

“Lexa, I swear to you, I have never been to Polis so I have no idea why I could paint something from your memories. I have no recollection of that place-- at all.” Clarke maintained. “But I know, we have met before.”

“You are not making sense, Clarke. You cannot have just imagined my childhood secret place”

“I’m telling you—that was my imagination! I didn’t know you then and I didn’t paint it on memory!”

“But it was so detailed—“

“I have never been to Polis! Have you been to Arkadia?”

“Not until this visit—“

“Lexa, – somehow we have met before!’

Lexa was about to argue with her when she saw that she was panicking.

Clarke took a deep breath and realized that her hands were shaking and her lips were quivering. She wouldn’t have told Lexa if she didn’t drop the painting bomb on her tonight. And even then, if she was in the right space of mind, she probably still would have told her about any of this until she was sure she was not crazy. She watched as Lexa watched her thoughtfully.

“If we have met” Lexa started, her tone as guarded as the rest of her. “I would remember.”

“That’s exactly what I told Indra!” Clarke blurted.

“What else did you and Indra discuss about me?” Lexa demanded.

“Nothing” Clarke quickly assured her. “Just this…”

Clarke quickly held onto Lexa’s hands again, this time with desperation more than affection. Lexa allowed but she could tell she had already lost the tenderness of the moment they shared earlier.

“Do you feel like we have met before?” she asked timidly. “Is there any part of you that feels it too?”

She counted the heartbeats again.

Five.

Lexa shook her head.

Clarke’s shoulders dropped. She wanted to test if Lexa was lying to her but she had to mentally put the disarray of her emotions together so instead of asking further or even just looking deeper into Lexa’s eyes, she simply stared at her shoes, carelessly swinging both their arms at her sides. Lexa remained silent beside her and for that she was thankful for. She was sure anymore revelations from Lexa would just break what was left of her dignity. She began pulling scolding herself as quickly as she picked the pieces of her up.

“Clarke” Lexa’s voice invaded her inner torture.

“What?”

“I will talk to Indra about it” Lexa promised.

“What makes you sure she would tell you more than what she told me?” Clarke grudgingly muttered effectively making Lexa chuckle at her expense.

“Oh” Clarke muttered again when Lexa gave her a patronizing smirk. “Cause you’re you and I’m just me”

Lexa’s eyes turned concerned in a flash. She gently cupped her face. “No”

Clarke pouted slightly, unable to stop herself. She tried to recall when was the last time she pouted like a child. She couldn’t remember. She relished the touch of Lexa’s hand and leaned into hands holding her face as though it was a precious and breakable piece of art. She can't remember the last time she was held this way either. 

“She’s obligated to my office and my authority” Lexa explained. “It doesn’t make either of us more or less of who we are”

“How weird did I just sound?” Clarke whispered, watching the frost in the air escaping from her lips. Like that time in the balcony, it created quite a vision around Lexa’s face. It was very much looking into the face of an angel that exists only in tales and legends. “How weird when I insisted that we have met before?”

“I have heard more unusual things”

“I’m sorry”

“Stop apologizing for asking” Lexa admonished her as gently as she caressed her face. “You lose sleep over the questions of the universe, Clarke, you might as well seek for answers.”

Clarke could see the adulation and silent reverence in Lexa’s eyes and she knew that she could trust her. She knew she could trust that Lexa would talk to Indra about this matter and she knew she could trust Lexa when she said that her crazy thoughts do not reduce her to anything less than who she is.

And she trusted that Lexa has not, and would not ever, think less of her.

Clarke trusted the hands which held her – they will never judge the inadequacy she feels. She trusted the eyes piercing into her own – they will never see her like the rest of the world does. She trusted this person in front of her, keeping her warm and upright – she wouldn’t break her.

Clarke knew that if she was not crazy for thinking she has met Lexa before, she was definitely crazy for not pulling away from her now. Crazier for putting the most vulnerable parts of herself to someone she barely knows.

One drinking game does not change anything.

Lexa is still a stranger. A foreigner. A leader of her own nation. A feared Commander with a reputation stained with practice she is against and a culture she cannot begin to understand. A woman sure of her place in the world.

A forbidden concept.

But none of those things are embracing her senses right now.

Right now, Clarke could only see someone she is sure she was meant to meet. She could only see someone who was nothing but accommodating, patient and gentle with her. She has seen glimpses of a Lexa she should fear but that was not a competition to the Lexa who has effortlessly showed her what kind of person she wants in her life. She has showed her what kind of person she could trust with her craziest, darkest and innermost thoughts and be spared from all forms of condemnation. She has showed her what kind of person she would cross lines for, break rules for and live for.

What kind of person she would love.

Clarke felt Lexa’s face move closer to hers and she instantly tenses up. Lexa didn’t need telling twice, she immediately stopped, as If there wasn’t even a suggestion of a kiss there. She simply gave her a look of understanding and tenderly stroked her face with her thumbs.

Clarke decided that it was time to take the situation back to the land of reality and consequences.

“Please don’t” she begged in a voice she was sure was not her own. There was absolutely no conviction in it that she had to repeat herself more firmly. “Don’t.”

“What?”

“Act like you can read my secrets”

“I can’t”

Clarke gently broke away from Lexa’s hold on her face. “But you make me feel it”

Lexa searched her eyes for a clue on what the hell just went wrong but nonetheless nodded at her. She let her hands fall to her sides and didn’t move to touch any part of Clarke.

Clarke wanted to kick herself in the head but she knew she should not give in now. Not again. Not yet.

“Just-- it would be best if you just…don’t” she stumbled through the words she barely believed.

“Why?”

Clarke was scared she would see accusation in Lexa’s eyes or worse a hint of anger but when she found them she only saw what she already knew she would find. A concern for…her. Lexa was still just concerned for her. It would be easier if the accusation and the anger were there. Because then maybe she would be warranted to walk out of this conversation. Instead she just wants to press her lips against Lexa’s.

“Because it makes me want to kiss you” she snapped.

Lexa blinked. “What?”

“Because you make me want to kiss you!” she admitted with sting and fear at her own lose lips. “And I can’t. Kiss you. Or want to kiss you.”

Lexa’s forehead creased at the absurdity of her apparent embarrassment.

“Why not?” she quietly demanded.

“Because.”

“Because what, Clarke?”

Clarke threw her arms up in the air and let them forcefully drop in front of her, willing herself to come up with a better answer than she has.

“You’re the Commander of Blood! And I’m the Chancellor’s daughter.”

“So?”

“Have you not been paying attention to anything that happened tonight?” Clarke spat angrily. She knew she was wrong because if there was anyone who paid to most attention to anyone and anything tonight, it was Lexa. “I just… I can’t!”

Lexa was still frowning at her. She couldn’t tell if there was finally an animosity there but when the Commander took a deep breath and an eternal patience colored her face, Clarke cussed under her breath. Lexa quirked an eyebrow at her, clearly still unsure of what was happening.

“Okay” Lexa told her with steady assurance.

“Don’t do that too”

“What?”

“Being…all patient!” Clarke accused behind a smile she could not fight. “Or understanding. Or respectful! You stand there and you’re this powerful woman and I tell you one thing and you agree! It’s really nice and kind of you but just stop already! Don’t be…all these wonderful things!”

Now, Lexa really was confused because the frown on her face was more pronounced than ever.

“Why not?”

“Because that too makes me want to kiss you!”

Lexa fought off a snort and just raised her head up the sky before looking back at Clarke. She shook her head at her, as if the heavens have failed in giving her a solution to Clarke’s problem. Or a solution to the problem that is Clarke.

“Is there anything at all that I am allowed to do which would not evoke this particular feeling of yours?” she inquired seriously, her voice dangerously barging into flirtatious territory as she uttered each word.

“I don’t know” Clarke admitted after counting her heartbeats.

Ten very erratic ones.

“Ah” was all Lexa said.

Clarke counted her heartbeats again. They weren’t at all calming down. She was not at all calming down.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

Clarke debated back and forth if she should just let this conversation drop but she has not made the smartest of choices tonight, why stop now?

“I’m so drunk, aren’t I?”

Lexa looked at her with amusement and pity before chuckling a very controlled laugh.

“Yes”

“I’m sorry. I’m really not like this. I’ve met other world leaders and I promise I have always been more than proper. I honestly don’t know what the hell it is you brought with you but you make me feel weird all over and I don’t know how to explain myself. I’m so sorry, Le-“

Lexa held a finger against Clarke’s lips.

“Don’t be” she commanded, slowly taking her finger away from Clarke’s lips when her breathing steadied.

“I just—I know who I am, Lexa." Clarke continued, breathless. "And I know who I should be and until you came around I was sure those are the same person and in the really, really short time you’ve been here and what little time I have spent with you, I feel more and more than maybe who I will be is very much different or even bigger than who I am now. And you make me ask who I was too—who was I before you somehow woke a part of me I didn’t know I had? I was never more than my parents’ daughter and now—“

Lexa pressed her finger against Clarke’s lips once again, this time her eyes dancing with sharp caution and mild affection.

“Don’t do that thing”

“What thing?” Clarke’s question came muffled against Lexa’s finger.

“You keep showing me Clarke Griffin, her own person. You’re not being the Chancellor’s daughter.”

“So I have been inappropriate—“

“Ssshh” Lexa pressed her finger harder on Clarke’s lips, making Clarke gulp her nerves away. “Stop showing me the Clarke that you hide from the public.”

Clarke pursed her lips and stared a little outrageously at Lexa until the finger released her speech back to her.

“Why” she demanded indignantly. “You said a while ago you like that version of me.”

Lexa hummed her agreement to the statement.

“So, why do you want me to stop?”

Lexa looked bored at the question.

“Okay—you can’t make me beg for your thoughts. I told you this!”

Lexa exhaled sharply and with a divine authority only she is capable of, took hold of Clarke’s gaze without making any sort of movement or physical contact.

“Because you’re making me want to kiss you too and you just said that that’s not what you want” she all but growled in the softest, surest, and most tender voice Clarke’s ears have ever been blessed to hear.

Lexa lamented a fierce look of tender annoyance and a breath coloured with unwavering patience at Clarke’s direction when she managed an incoherent response then walked silently away from her without so much another word.

Clarke stood in the empty helipad, unable to feel the cold wind or the harsh night anymore. She could hear her friends celebrating Lexa’s return to the group with jests and careless jokes. She wished silently that that was the only sound she could hear but instead she could her Lexa’s voice in her head again.

_Because you’re making me want to kiss you too._

_That's not what you want._

“Hey, you” Octavia called out to her. Upon Lexa's return, she apparently felt it was her duty to collect her friend from solitude. “Wanna join the rest of us mortals here?”

Clarke walked towards the top of the stairs where Octavia's voice was coming from. She was painfully aware at how dizzy she is. Maybe she really is a lot drunk. It was the alcohol.

And Lexa’s voice in her head.

_You lose sleep over the questions of the universe, Clarke, you might as well seek for answers._

“What are you thinking there, Princess?”

Clarke shrugged towards Lexa’s direction.

“Yeah, thought so” Octavia said shaking her head. “Don’t worry…she’ll be gone in nine days.”

Clarke scoffed, allowing her best friend to walk her back to their couch. She had forgotten about that one important factor. Lexa wasn’t going to stay there forever. She only had nine days with her. Nine days before she takes Octavia away. Nine days to learn what Indra knows. Nine days to get her answers. Nine days to endure or make the most of. 

Nine days to figure out what she truly feels for Lexa.

Nine days with Lexa…

Suddenly, she questioned herself what Lexa asked her--

_Why would anyone fall for someone they know they cannot have? Wouldn’t you want to save yourself the heartbreak?_

Would she?

Across the fire she could see Lexa didn’t want to meet her eyes. Instead, the Commanders just helped herself to another glass of brandy as Clarke helped herself to her personal brand of cocktail – questions and guilt.

_One drinking game does not change anything._

**_One drinking game changes everything._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update might take longer than usual but I hope some questions were at least answered in this chapter. Please keep your feedback - good, bad, everything in between - coming. Thank you so much for your nice words in the previous chapters. 
> 
> If you want to discuss anything about the fic, drop me a message on Tumblr as well - hedaofmyheart88.tumblr.com


	6. Protocol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What exactly is the protocol when one head of state wants to date the daughter of another?

(Lexa’s POV)

 

Lexa looked out the window of the Chancellor’s office with stoic impatience and nervous apprehension. She checked her watch. The Chancellor was five minutes late to their meeting and if she does not get there before the sun sets, she just might talk herself out of this. Then again, she might not make it for five more minutes if she keeps telling herself that this whole thing was stupidity at its finest.

It has been three days since that night of the rooftop private party and she has not since seen Clarke. Of course, the last three days have been her busiest and most tensed with meetings with Arkadia’s Security Council as well as taking a trip to the Arkadian border to see how her soldiers posted to monitor the Cold Mountains were holding up. Everytime she would return to the Chancellor’s mansion it was either midnight or early morning. Anya had offered her an afternoon free to spend as she wished but it was on the same day that Clarke took a trip out of the city to help distribute medical goods to poorer communities.

Lexa could not help herself when she heard from Anya that that’s where Clarke was and that’s what she was doing. She felt proud of her. In her country, distributing medical supplies was a duty imposed on every teenager at the age of 16 to 19. Here in Arkadia, where the hospitals are state of the art and the fighting was not a constant, it is not something to require of anyone. But of course, Clarke would. That compassion makes her who she is.

So Lexa spent the afternoon reading about Arkadia’s history. Anya thought it was a waste of time but didn’t say anything else until this morning at breakfast when Lexa read something in the newspaper that made her lose her appetite.

“I want a meeting with the Chancellor” she told Anya.

“For what?”

“There is something I need to clear up with her. Afterwards, you and I will sit”

Anya looked at her like she was not making sense.

“It is time you tell me about the first time I met Clarke” Lexa said ominously.

Anya did not ask any questions after that. She cancelled the martial arts tournament they were supposed to watch in the barracks they had visited and arranged the meeting with the Chancellor. She promised Lexa that the rest of the afternoon and evening will be free for their talk – if Lexa would still want to talk after the meeting with Abby.

Lexa hears footsteps behind the steel doors of the office and immediately went back to her seat in front of the Chancellor’s table. She looked straight ahead as though she did not mind the wait and stood up as soon as the Abby walked in with her apologies for being late. Lexa shook her hand but didn’t say anything regarding the apology.

This whole situation was already hard on her without faking pardons.

“Is there a problem, Commander?” Abby asked her.

Lexa studied the scene in front of her. Abby did not sit behind her desk but instead took the armchair directly across Lexa. There was nothing between them but the tension in the air. Lexa understood it as an invitation to be less formal and maybe to ease the impending confrontation regarding the nuclear bomb news. Or the fact that Abby was trusting her on a more personal level and is suggesting that she too lets her guard down in this conversation.

Lexa wished Abby sat behind her desk.

“No problem. Just an inquiry” Lexa started, ignoring her discomfort over the openness lingering in the room. “Indra told me about the bomb.”

Abby was taken aback but hid it well with a small smile.

“I thought we were to discuss that in the council meeting?” she asked calmly.

Lexa nodded, debating which way she would go with her actual agenda.

“We are. I am not here to claim for it” she said slowly. “I want a confirmation on whether it exists or not.”

“It does” Abby replied.

“Does Clarke know about it?”

Abby raised her eyebrow. “Clarke?”

“Your daughter”

“I know who she is, Commander. I’m confused as to why she’s involved in this”

Lexa contained her breaths evenly, not wanting to give away the fact that Clarke has been a conscious factor in most of her decisions since arriving in Arkadia.

“Did you see the statement she gave in this morning’s paper?”

“Clarke gave a statement to the media?”

Lexa’s eyes sharpened at Abby.

“You don’t know?”

“I was in meeting all day. She never speaks to the press regarding political matters.”

“On her trip into the outskirts, she was asked about the rumor that the reason for my visit is to procure the weapon I had your late husband commissioned for. She refuted it. She said her father would never agree to such a project.”

Lexa watched as Abby’s face turn white and her eyes drifting farther from the room and into dangerous territory. She allowed the information to carry the Chancellor as far as the worst possible scenario before speaking again.

“I am not going to tell her” Lexa promised.

Abby’s eyes widened suspiciously at her.

“I was not aware that I were under the threat of you telling my daughter that somewhere under us is a weapon so powerful that it could annihilate an entire civilization.”

“And I was not aware that my bomb is somewhere under this mansion” Lexa smirked.

First goal, achieved. She needed to know where the nuclear bomb was stored. In the last three days, in her effort to forget about the night on the rooftop with Clarke and in her endeavour to postpone her talk with Indra for as long as possible, she had managed to come up with a temporary solution to their procurement problem.

Except that this morning, her solution was put in peril because of Clarke’s statement in the newspaper.

“You came to bargain” Abby stated coldly. She stood up, aware that Lexa’s scrutinizing gaze was fixed on her. She walked slowly behind her desk and settled on her chair, a hand subtly dancing on the panic button by her right hand’s arm rest.

Lexa almost scoffed when she realized that Abby was ready to bring in her troops if this conversation takes a dark turn.

“No, I did not” she assured her. “I want my bomb and I say this with respect, Chancellor, you and I both know I will get my bomb. When and how are to be discussed in the proper forum. My concern in this meeting before us is not of weaponry.”

Abby’s eyes narrowed at Lexa.

Lexa on her part knows this look all too well. She has been on the receiving end of it for as long as she can remember. She was young when she was introduced to the complexities of Polis traditions and even younger when the Council of Generals was told she would be the next Commander. One look for her age. Another look for her being a girl. Another look when they realized she had grown into a woman they could not control. A narrower one when they realized her methods are not like her predecessor's. She knew all too well how to be both judged and studied. She has not once faltered in front of eyes so questioning of motives and capacity.

“Then what is it you want?”

“Unrestricted access to Arkadia’s historical archives” Lexa said with a smile so glorious Abby was not sure it was the Commander of Blood she was talking to.

“You would trade a nuclear bomb for a history lesson?”

“Of course not. I am promising my discretion concerning the bomb around Clarke in exchange for access to your archives”

Abby considered her statement and Lexa could see the wheels turning in her mind. Something does not add up.

“Why?” Abby finally asked her. “What makes you so sure I would not want Clarke to know this much?”

“You have not told her thus far” Lexa replied simply. “As much as she stays away from politics, this one is personal. Her father built the bomb just before his death. This is not politics, is it, Chancellor? This has something to do with her father’s death – a detail you have so carefully kept away from her.”

“How do you know this?”

“Does it matter?”

“Commander, you overstep your authority—“

“I care about your daughter” Lexa declared unceremoniously but even if Abby could not pinpoint where this sudden bout of sentiment came from, she could not miss the sincerity in Lexa’s voice even if she tried.

And she tried. Very hard. A feat Lexa read all over her face.

“This piece of information would devastate her—she already blames herself over her father’s death” Lexa continued. “I do not wish to add to it but let me be clear that my next conversation with her will be the most honest one we have had yet. She will ask me if I had read her statement, I will answer truthfully but will confine my honesty only to such inquiry.”

“And here I was under the impression that your contact has been confined to holding hands upon entering a club or staying out until four in the morning. Tell me, just how many conversations have you had with my daughter, Commander?”

“Not enough” Lexa’s reply was a surprise even to herself. She smiled when Abby turned away slightly from her. It was reassuring to know she was not the only one finding this conversation out of sorts. This is not how political decisions were made nor diplomatic wars won.

“She blames herself for her father’s death? She told you that?” Abby asked, the horror in her tone hanging.

Lexa shook her head.

“Not in specific words”

“You said your next conversation” Abby lamented. “What do you mean?”

Lexa gulped subtly.

Second goal, achieved. She knows she wanted to see Clarke more often. Three days avoiding her proved as much – she missed her. But she could not go through another charade of a relationship. If what they had was a relationship. Clarke is very clearly conscious about her role in her mother’s administration and about the enormity of who Lexa is.

The only way for this to work was to grab hold of the reality of who they are and course through the extra barriers that such reality produces.

While the Commander of Blood would never seek of anyone’s approval or permission to talk or see whoever she wishes – she neither wants nor is legally obligated to -- this is a position no Commander before her has ever put themselves in. There was no lesson about it. There is no rulebook. Lexa knows, she has checked. She has poured herself over research. There was none.

There was no protocol on how to talk to another head of state about matters outside politics and policy.

So here she was – asking but not really asking.

“I intend to have more conversations with her” Lexa answered. “For as long as I am here, I intend to spend what time I can with Clarke.”

“For what purpose exactly?” Abby demanded.

Lexa frowned slightly at her. She knows she would be asked this question and had prepared a handful of answers. Friendship. Company. Alliance. For the sheer satisfaction of having someone closer to her age to converse with. Interest. Romance.

“If I had an exact reason, Chancellor, you would get it” Lexa replied, deciding against all her prepared answers.

Abby considered her for a moment and finally just broke into a smile, almost as though she finally figured Lexa out. She shook her head slightly, out of amusement and maybe out of pity for the Commander who literally used a nuclear weapon for something as common as asking a girl out.

Lexa could tell this was what was going through Abby’s mind and as much as she hated it, she had expected it. She had thought of ways to avoid this conclusion but she knew that the minute she decided on this course of action, it would lead her into a position wherein Abby would see an exposed part of her. While her pride, dignity and authority are very much intact, there is a vulnerability that she willingly showed a foreign Head of State.

All for something as common as asking a girl out.

Except she is technically not asking.

Besides…

Clarke is quite a girl.

“Clarke is old enough to judge and decide the friends she keeps” Abby noted.

“None of her current friends run a nation” Lexa pointed out, her tongue dancing around the word ‘friends.’

“Clearly” Abby acknowledged with a thoughtful smile. “I have no control on who you spend time with Commander and I am well aware that even if we spend the rest of the afternoon debating whether or not it is wise for my daughter to hang out with the Commander of Blood, the outcome of it depends solely on two people. No power and no authority can ever validly dictate the choices of two people bound to—who want to enjoy each other’s friendship and company.”

Lexa’s eyes focussed with razor sharp precision into Abby’s eyes the minute she heard the phrase.

Third goal, achieved. She knows Indra would give her very little about Clarke and she would have to invoke her Commander status for full disclosure. She has built a strong and respectful relationship with her enough not to keep bringing up her authority over someone she sees as the closest mother figure she has. While she intends to keep her promise to Clarke, she also plans to exhaust every avenue first.

Lexa knows Abby will not volunteer any information on the subject of Clarke’s suspicions, whether there was anything to volunteer or not. So she had hoped that Abby would slip up on something and in her experience, people who dance around issues usually trip over other matters they have been avoiding.

Abby tried to recover by pretending that the para-phrasing in her last words were not a big deal.

“What do you know about it?” Lexa asked her after it was clear that Abby would go on pretending like she didn’t slip up.

“You might want to be more specific, Commander.”

Lexa allowed the play, even if she was growing tired of these kinds of conversation.

“Clarke told me something very interesting a couple of nights ago—“

“In your many conversations?”

“Yes, Chancellor” Lexa smirked. “She all but swore on her life that we have met before. But I have no recollection of such meeting. Neither does she – at least none so concrete. But Clarke was sure that we have met and I would have argued otherwise if it were not for the fact that she has painted something very personal to me.”

“The treehouse?”

Lexa glared.

“I have seen the painting, Commander. And I have seen the treehouse” Abby admitted.

“Has she?” Lexa snapped, her jaws clenched.

“No.”

Lexa stood up from her chair and walked slowly to the window that she was perusing earlier. She was growing impatient at how unprepared she was for the upcoming revelations she would demand. She had half-wished her suspicions about Abby’s knowledge on the matter would not bear any fruit but she was about to confirm otherwise. Her thoughts drifted very slightly on Indra.

She feels the surge of heat across her chest, an indication that she was growing angrier -- more than she usually allows herself to be. She breathed deeply, trying to control that particular emotion. She cleared her throat waiting for Abby to speak the answers she was waiting for.

“I do not know much” Abby started.

She stayed in her seat but had turned to face Lexa and from the faint reflection on the window, Lexa could tell there was an internal discourse happening. Lexa immediately suspected Indra’s hand at the secrecy.

“Commander, your wish for unrestricted access to our archives, is this related to it?”

Lexa gave a curt nod. She had a long list of reasons but that was on top.

Abby sighed defeatedly.

“You and Clarke have never met before. At least not in this lifetime.”

Lexa faced her with a frown uncharacteristic of the usually certain persona she has.

“There is this story, a legend – I don’t know how true because I have never verified it. Once every other generation, once every century or so, two souls from the earliest of our days get reincarnated. One from your people, one from ours. And in almost two millennia now, elders from both sides would try and stop the cycle but as legend goes, these souls always travel lifetimes after lifetimes to each other” Abby narrated.

“Why are they kept apart?”

“I didn’t say there were – just that it is not the most popular kind of relationship for either of our people. Yours especially.”

Lexa frowned some more at her. Her people does not have a shortage on legends and myths and stories of reincarnation. Her very office is tied on the biggest legend of all. She just never heard of this particular one. Out of habit, she waved a hand, urging the Chancellor to continue talking although she could tell that she already knows where it was heading.

“The reincarnations are always of a Commander and the Chancellor’s daughter and they always find each other when our nations are on the verge of a great war. You can understand why I do not wish to part with the bomb or why I decided against telling Clarke.”

“This was the discussion you and Indra had the morning after the State Dinner” Lexa concluded coldly. “She wants to tell us”

Abby nodded.

“I don't know how true this is and even when Clarke painted the tree hour years ago, I did not entertain it. My daughter is not a character in your fairy tales, Commander. She is free to love whoever she wants without history or prophecies dictating her”

Lexa smiled bitterly. “One would be so lucky to love at all.”

Abby caught the tone and immediately gave her a look full of empathy.

“Do not pity me, Chancellor. I can handle my personal affairs” Lexa said with a definite shrug. “Is this your only reason for keeping this from Clarke?”

“Threat of war. Negotiations over a weapon that can save my nation”

“Or destroy it” Lexa pointed out. “You don’t know how to use it, do you? That’s why you have Clarke’s friend Raven here because she studied it. But to cover your basis, you remain open for discussions with me. Try not to be coy, Chancellor and let us focus on why I am here. I am more interested on how you’re sure that this reincarnation you speak of has happened upon my meeting Clarke.”

Abby’s eyes mixed with accusation and fear. Lexa ignored the glare almost as though it bores her painfully. She simply waited for her answer silently.

“You are the first female Commander in almost a century” Abby finally divulged with a certainty that followed her long silence. “It is believed that this reincarnation originates from the very first female Commander of your people. You know how she died and you know how ever since then female Commanders only came once every century or so.”

“And?”

“The reincarnations were always when Polis was faced with a brewing war and was ruled by a woman—”

“Are you blaming every war Polis has gone through on women, Chancellor?”

“No--- of course not! I am merely pointing out the pattern Indra discussed with me. I didn’t even give it much thoughts until you gave Clarke that necklace. It was passed on to you, was it not?”

Lexa nodded.

“It was a gift to one of the Commanders before me. You know it?”

“Of it. You’re going to have to ask Indra about that story because I only know that Commanders give it to special people – to very special people. You gave it to my daughter after spending less than a day with her and without any explanation whatsoever. I had to think that maybe these were not just coincidences. That maybe there was something there.”

Lexa set her eyes back on the window and the scene outside. She could make out the SUVs she knows are carrying Clarke back from wherever she went that morning.

“You will tell her—“

“With all due respect—“

“You tell her or I will” Lexa said with finality.

“Why?”

“For her protection”

Abby raised an eyebrow at Lexa.

“How much danger are we in from the threat of the Cold Mountains?”

“My ancestors pledged to protect Arkadia and my predecessors have always gone above and beyond to take care of this alliance. I will not be the one who will let the promises of history fall. Whatever threat the Cold Mountains pose, you will be protected from. That is why I have soldiers here who have not seen Polis for too long” Lexa reminded Abby sternly. “As I have been making clear very early on in this conversation, Chancellor, my concern here is not for your people.”

“How much danger is Clarke in?” Abby corrected her question.

Lexa thought back on the conversation she had with Indra and Anya days ago. They were right. Clarke’s involvement in anything moving forward would solely depend on what role she would play in her life.

And Lexa had to remind herself that she was in this very office to begin with because she already made a decision on how much of Clarke she wants in her life. Or if she was being honest, how much she wants Clarke in her life.

“I will not let anything happen to her”

“That is not an answer to my question, Commander”

Lexa met Abby’s eyes and saw a foreign concept.

It took the wind out of her.

That must be it – the pure concern and unconditional love of a mother.

She has heard of it. She was told of it. She was assured when she was younger that her mother loved her.

She just never really experienced it. Nor can she remember.

When she would travel to villages and regions in Polis, she would see mothers bidding their children goodbye as they were being sent to war or to the Academy but the mothers would always have pride and not fear in their eyes. They would always boast of their children’s scars and would never shy away from telling tales of their soldier’s conquests. And they would always thank her for her guidance and for being the leader that she is. They never showed fear and while they would cry over fallen warriors, she has yet to meet a mother who blamed her for such unbearable loss.

And here was Abby. Her daughter was not going to war. Her daughter was not even a soldier. The nearest proximity Clarke was to seeing death was the fact that she might be asked out to dinner by someone who has seen too much of it at a young age.

Suddenly, Lexa felt like she should be defending herself and her choices.

But she is the Commander. And not even the mother of the girl she was very interested in could ask that much of her.

“Right now, she is under no more threat than she usually is” Lexa assured Abby. “Should more photos of us together in your newspapers and news channels surface, my enemies outside Arkadia would notice.”

“I wish you had told me this before I had given you permission to see her”

“You didn’t.”

“Technically”

“I have deal to offer you, Chancellor, should you choose stand by the permission you assume you have so kindly given me” Lexa relayed seriously but with a hint of playful candor. She sat back down the chair she had vacated earlier and smirked at Abby.

“I am all ears, Commander.”

“I keep Clarke safe, from any and all harms that my company would surely bring her and I promise never to take her out of Arkadia”

Abby eyed her suspiciously.

“You had plans to take her out of Arkadia?”

“I had plans to invite her to visit Polis.”

“And you have changed your mind”

“Yes. She will be safer here” Lexa said. “This is of course under the presumption that she would grant me the time of day”

“False humility does not become you, Commander. You already know your feelings are reciprocated”

Lexa’s smirk faded at the statement. Does she know that her feelings were reciprocated? Yes. And no. She knows Clarke is attracted to her that much has been made clear. But that was also a very intoxicated Clarke. And even under the influence of alcohol, Clarke was adamant about having a line between them.

She, on the other hand, knows that while she does not share Clarke’s certainty that they have met before, she is thanking every star in the universe that they did meet. She is sure that she was feeling for her every single emotion she had sworn never to feel. She was sure she was ready to act on whatever one would call these feelings and sure she could handle the consequences.

And while it is a constant debate on when she would actually act on anything or profess anything, she knows that her considerations are entirely her own and not predicated on the approval of a nation.

Or a mother.

“Nonetheless” Lexa continued. “That is my promise and a Commander of Blood never goes against her word.”

“And my part in this?”

“Be honest with her”

“Regarding?”

“The legend. She deserves to know what she might be walking into. On dangerous paths, it is always wise to be as informed as possible. Tell her everything you know – except how it ends”

Abby blinked at her.

“How it ends?”

“I would prefer she makes her decisions based on her own heart and mind. You did say she is free to love whoever she chooses. She should not be bound by how history records other people’s stories.”

“I dare say it’s technically your stories too. It is your souls we are talking about here.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Hypothetically. It is after all, just a legend as you say. A fragment of history tucked in someone’s journal and passed along as bedtime stories. No matter, it should not be a factor on how we choose to spend our lives at present. Especially Clarke’s. Do we have a deal?”

Abby nodded at her then extended her hand.

Lexa shook it quickly, eager to leave this office and this conversation. She needed to summon Indra, talk to Anya about this story and – see Clarke.

“You didn’t have to worry about that last one, Commander” Abby said, walking towards her and gently ushering her out the door.

“Spoiling the ending?”

Abby nodded.

“I would think that is the most important part of this”

Abby held the door open and smiled at Lexa.

“Perhaps, but I don’t know it. I don’t know the ending.”

“You don’t know how almost two millennia’s worth of reincarnations and wars ended?”

Abby shook her head sincerely and Lexa had to take her word for it. She silently thanked the Chancellor and left the office without glancing at some in-house reporters who had heard of this unscheduled and private meeting. Gustus was barely keeping up with her stride.

Anya was waiting for her, with about half a dozen of her people at the end of the hall of the Chancellor’s Wing and as soon she gives her a look, Anya dismissed the staff and soldiers around them. They watched as their people walked back towards the guest wing and when they disappeared down the stairs, the three of them took the opposite direction.

“Satisfied?” Anya asked her in a hushed tone.

Lexa nodded, her eyes darting from one corner of the halls to the other.

“Do you still want to know how you first met Clarke?”

Lexa looked at her and realized that when Anya gave her a rare soft but indulgent glance, it was because Anya has always known.

“How long?” she asked.

“The day you ran away to your tree house” Anya confessed. “They told me so I would keep an eye on you. Well, a closer eye anyway. I already had an eye on you.”

“I want to hear all of it. All that you know”

Anya bowed.

“Indra knows more” she said as they made their way to a somewhat familiar hallway of the residential wing.

“I will talk to her after you”

“You have a free day tomorrow. She is out training with the scouts but I can send for her if you want”

Lexa shook her head.

“No. We’ll join her and the scouts tomorrow.”

“They’re training by the Angry Rivers” Anya warned.

“Did I say I was going to jump into them?”

“No, Commander. As for the business on the bomb?”

Lexa stopped walking and gave Gustus a signal to take a few steps backward. She held her hand up when she deemed the distance was enough not to overhear their conversation then pulled Anya to walk faster beside her.

“Beneath us” she whispered.

Anya’s eye gave away her surprise but as soon as Lexa gave a nod to doubly confirm that this was actionable intel, the second-in-command’s gaze immediately went into strategic mode.

“Is the entrance somewhere here?” Anya asked curiously when she it was already painfully obvious where they were going. “Because I believe this area is off-limits but for very different reasons.”

“I don’t know where the entrance is. Has gathering this kind of information been included in my duties as Commander and I simply missed the memo?”

Anya scoffed. “Of course not. I will have our spies on it as soon as possible.”

Lexa breathed a little easily as they stopped in front of two tall doors, with very detailed carvings of various scenes they both recognized as mankind gathering and applying knowledge all throughout history.

“Lexa, what are we doing here? We are not allowed to go beyond those doors”

“What are the rules?”

“Of going into the private quarters of the Chancellor’s family?” Anya laughed at her. “Well, I’m not that well-versed, Commander but it has ‘No Trespassing’ somewhere in it.”

Lexa pursed her lips sternly and with most annoyance.

“I meant the rules in asking the Chancellor’s daughter out.”

Anya raised an eyebrow at her. “On a date?”

“If you have to call it that.”

“Commander, shouldn’t you be asking the rules of a Commander dating at all?”

“There aren’t any.”

Anya opened and closed her mouth wordlessly at her before sound finally managed to escape her throat. “You made a vow when you ascended. Your people come first—“

“Was my father not a Commander?” Lexa tested Anya.

Family has always been a very sore and touchy subject for the both of them and they hardly ever discuss it. The fact that she was bringing it up voluntarily was ground breaking for them.

“Yes, he was. But that was different-“

“He wasn’t prophesized to fall in love with an Arkadian woman that would signal the coming of a great war?” Lexa retorted.

“Oh. The Chancellor knows about that” Anya resigned. “Alright. There are no rules against a Commander having attachments. It has just be an unspoken decision across history to remain free of comprises. Commander, I know how you feel for her. I know you have not even thought about feeling at all for a very long time and I urge you to re-evaluate and spare us from a fate worse than death.”

Lexa held on to Anya’s gaze until she deemed the warning warranted.

“Worse than death? So allowing myself to act upon this will not kill me? What worries you then?”

Anya smiled sadly at her.

“A broken heart takes a life faster than a sword or a bullet or a bomb, Commander. And if one should be so fortunate to actually die, then it is a fate so rare that it only ever happens once in a lifetime. The rest of us just…live on lifelessly”

Lexa took Anya’s hand and squeezed it supportively.

“You forget that I know your pain, Anya” she said quietly. “You are not dead and you are not lifeless. You are neither broken nor beaten and I will sooner raze Polis to the ground than allow you to think otherwise.”

“I don’t worry about me, Commander” Anya reminded her solemnly. “History does not always remember correctly. And history has never given pain the justice of an accurate depiction”

“History will know its place”

It was such a Lexa line that amidst the menace of tears and sentimentality, Anya burst out laughing. She gave the Commander a soft pat on the shoulders and shaking her head, knocked on the doors in front of them.

“Wait—“ Lexa stopped her when she was about to knock again.

“Second thoughts?”

“No. Nevermind. I know what I will say.”

Anya chuckled again and beamed at the person who opened the door.

“Octavia. Are you on door duty?” she greeted.

Octavia frowned at the two of them then sneered slightly when she spotted Gustus a few steps away.

“What are you two doing here?”

“The Commander wishes to see Clarke” Anya announced in an official voice unaided of any sense of seriousness. “Do you not have guards here?”

“Your security team should be publicly executed for incompetence” Lexa commented from the side when she realized that there really was no security.

“Clarke hates her security team so whenever she’s inside the mansion she literally shoos them away. And no one has been kidnapped or shot or blown into bits so it’s an acceptable decision” Octavia explained. She sighed when Anya and Lexa exchanged looks of judgmental concern then pulled the door wider to let them in. “Clarke is in her room. Turn left at the end of this hallway and it’s the last door on your right.”

She pointed as she relayed the directions then proceeded to just watch her shoes when Lexa waited to be escorted to the room.

“Why are you out here?” Anya asked Octavia. “Or did you hear the knock all the way over there?”

“Raven’s here and they’re catching up on…stuff. I was heading out for…a walk”

Lexa’s eyebrow quirked and she couldn’t help her own curiosity.

“That still has not been sorted out?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Commander. Did you have a best friend who fell in love with you and you had to tell her the feeling’s sadly unreciprocated?”

“No”

“Then sorry but you don’t get to have an opinion” Octavia grimaced before repeating the directions to Clarke’s room.

Lexa left the two of them with Anya reminding Octavia that her current conduct with the Commander would have her punished, if not executed, if they were in Polis. Which was true but Lexa opted to push thoughts of home and rules away from her mind.

She took a deep breath and knocked what she deemed a polite but firm enough volume.

“O! Just come in!” she heard Clarke’s voice from behind the door.

She hasn’t heard it in three days and while she was sure it was a voice she would never forget, she found herself thinking that her memory of it hardly did any justice.

She took another deep breath and knocked again.

“For crying out loud, Octavia! You’re being a child!” Clarke’s irritated voice grew louder as a few choice curse words followed before the door opened.

“Oh shi—“

“Hello, Clarke” Lexa greeted softly.

“Lexa” Clarke practically choked out. “What--?”

“Octavia let us in”

“Us?”

“Anya is at the door with her. Is this a bad time?”

Clarke’s eyes turned from surprised to sharp to stubborn.

“You tell me” she replied acidly.

Lexa blinked.

“You’re the one avoiding me”

Lexa sighed.

She didn’t know why she didn’t expect this to be thrown at her face. She has been avoiding Clarke and it was a very conscious thing she decided on but she had justified the decision in her head with the excuse that it was merely her respecting Clarke’s wish of putting distance between them. It was after all made very clear to her on that rooftop. Clarke all but carved it on stone.

Unless, Clarke doesn’t remember any of it now.

“How much do you remember from that night?” Lexa asked.

Clarke avoided her eyes quickly.

“It’s okay if you forgot. You were a little drunk”

“I was a lot drunk” Clarke corrected her with a mischievous smile.

Lexa reciprocated the smile immediately. In the three days she had been distancing herself from Clarke, she apparently had achieved one thing – forgetting how easy and fun this dynamic between them is. Not that she is now having a hard time falling back into it. On the contrary, she didn’t have to try at all.

The connection and the trust that they somehow have built over their scattered time together was just there. Unbroken by the number of days apart or imaginary distance. She looked at Clarke and could tell that somewhere in those sky blue eyes were approximately the same number of hour and heartbeats she had spent on trying not to think of what it is they share.

Trying and failing miserably.

Maybe it was fate.

Maybe they were reincarnations of souls bound to be together.

Maybe this was just sheer chemistry.

Familiarity.

Whichever way, she felt foolish to have made herself believe that she doesn’t miss Clarke. Because having her this close made her realize that missing Clarke or not knowing where or how she was exactly or when they would see each other was not something she is particularly ready to go through again.

She doubted whether her soul really is a traveler of lifetimes, looking for its other half. Because that would me that she had been looking for the half that is in Clarke’s for almost a century now. And that cannot be. A soul would die. Nothing can survive longing and loneliness for that long.

She and Clarke had three days between them and she is only just realizing that there had been this vastly growing piece of her she was missing.

How can a soul go on for centuries looking for its other half?

How has it not stopped?

“You wanted me to stay away” Lexa pointed out.

“I never said that. I just told you to stop making me want to kiss you”

“Ah. So you do remember everything”

Clarke smiled some more, her eyebrows quirking teasingly.

“Don’t you?”

“I could not forget even if I tried”

Lexa smiled at the sight of a slow creeping of a red streaks on Clarke’s face.

“I came to ask you something”

“Three days later and you come see me with a question” Clarke continued to tease her. “Should I feel special?”

Lexa had to bite her lip at the question. She turned away the same time Clarke did as well. The question was left hanging between them. They both know it was just a joke but the blush on Clarke’s face was indication enough that they were acutely mindful that between the two of them, something as harmless as that query had different implications. When she glanced back at Clarke, she reminded herself that she was more than prepared for the implications.

“Yes” she said seriously. “You should.”

Clarke cleared her throat while wearing a sheepish grin and the prettiest glow of red on anyone’s face Lexa has ever seen.

“What was the question?”

Lexa gave her a soft playful smirk before letting the obvious deflection slide.

“I’m leaving tomorrow to meet up with some scouts in training”

“Okay”

“At the Angry Rivers.”

“You’re going camping”

Lexa nodded. She shifted her weight uncomfortably, willing herself to ask Clarke to join her on the trip.

“And?” Clarke asked her, more than aware of her discomfort. She was visibly shaking as she tried to stifle her giggles.

“Well. Do you camp?”

Clarke chuckled. “Are you seriously asking me if I go camping?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Clarke chuckled some more. She stepped out of her room and closed the door behind her. She stood in closed proximity to Lexa. A situation they usually find themselves in. Lexa noted how much she missed this too.

“I mean, are you asking me if I go camping or if I would go camping with you?”

“The latter” Lexa admitted shyly but with waltzing conviction.

Clarke let out a hearty laugh and Lexa swore it was a symphony.

“What time do we leave?”

“You would come?” Lexa asked, her disbelief getting the best of her. “You are under no obligation to.”

“Well, I know that. I want to.”

Lexa cleared her throat with the hopes that it would hide the smile uncontrollably making its way to her face. The twinkle on Clarke’s eyes destroyed all hopes of winning that particular battle so she finally just allowed herself to let go a little.

“I am glad”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her. “I can tell, Lexa. What time should I be ready?”

“5?”

“In the morning?”

“Yes”

“Do you have anything against sleeping in, Commander?” Clarke tried to hide her protest in a jest.

Lexa shook her head.

“It is a long trip”

Clarke leaned in closer to her ear and whispered, “I know. I live her.”

Lexa gave her scolding look but the smile still on her face was rendering her usual façade ineffective.

“Anya is waiting and I have meeting tonight. I shall see you tomorrow, Clarke”

“Tomorrow it is, Commander.”

Lexa waved at Clarke’s door as a gesture for her to go back inside and when Clarke gave her a questioning look, she shrugged, “Watching you leave”

“Ah” Clarke grinned at their own little piece of inside joke. “Very well then. See you tomorrow.”

She closed the door and Lexa praised herself for not doing a pathetic celebratory dance. She turned to leave then remembered she was came here to deliver something a little more important than asking Clarke to spend some time with her. She knocked on the door again, managing to paint the most apologetic look she could muster on her face.

“What is that on your face?”

Lexa frowned.

“Was that your sorry face?”

Lexa frowned some more, this time not out of slight confusion but of playful annoyance.

“What is it?” Clarke asked her with a laugh, reaching for her shoulder and rubbing it gently as if to make up for the joke.

Lexa wondered if it were possible to surrender to a touch because the comfort Clarke’s form of apology brought was something she had not expected but a distant memory she recognized from an unknown place in her past.

“You should go see your mother…” Lexa said. “Listen to what she has to say and I would understand if you will reconsider joining me on tomorrow’s trip”

“Is my mom going to stop me?”

“I do not believe she would.”

“Okaaaay?”

Lexa sighed. “I talked to her about the painting.”

“Of the tree house? And? What did she say?”

Lexa studied the sudden alarm in Clarke’s demeanor.

“It is not bad news” she assured her by gently squeezing Clarke’s hand still rested on her shoulder. “But you have your questions and she might answer some. As for Indra, we can ask her together should you still want to accompany me”

Clarke pouted slightly and squeezed her hand back before dropping it and brushing the back of her fingers down Lexa’s arm.

“I won’t change my mind about that. And I’ll talk to my mother before dinner” she promised. “So you went to see her?”

“Yes”

“I didn’t think she would know anything about something like this?”

“I didn’t either. I was there for something else. We just chanced upon it.”

“Was that not a breach of protocol? I checked her schedule this morning – you weren’t in it”

Lexa tilted her head as though shrugging slightly. “It was more of inquiring upon protocol actually.”

Clarke didn’t look like she understood what that meant but didn’t bother asking further.

“I see. I will talk to her in a bit.”

Lexa gave a curt nod and waited once more for Clarke to go back inside her room. She had made it halfway from Clarke’s door when stopped herself from walking away, went back to the door and knocked for the third time.

“You do realize that you can just walk in my room by now, right?” Clarke joked after she opened the door.

“This is the last today”

“Out with it then”

Lexa bit her lower lip once more before meeting Clarke’s eyes. “Would it be possible to ask for your number? Cellphone number.”

Clarke’s eyes were quizzical and her smile amused.

“Yeah?” she said, trying to read Lexa’s mind but failing. “It would be.”

“Ah.”

“Mhmm”

Lexa grimaced at her and started another staring contest, one she lost for the first time. Clarke would not back down. She just continuously held her gaze and stared back at her expectantly. She sighed in defeat and bit down on her lip to ease her nerves.

“Clarke, may I ask for your number?”

“Why?”

Thinking back on her earlier thoughts that things with Clarke just easy, she had to shake her head as she realized that Clarke was not the type of girl who would intentionally make things easier for her. Just because they connect on some deep spiritual or soulful level does not mean that it would be the same way over the things that they have actual control over.

“To call you” she replied, trying not to sound too pleased with herself nor slightly annoyed at Clarke’s obvious attempts at making her jump through hoops. “Or text you if you prefer that.”

“Don’t you already have it?”

“No.”

“Could you still get it if I say no?”

Lexa considered. Of course.

“Yes” she replied like it is painfully the most obvious thing in the world.

“And yet you asked” Clarke’s tone danced on an air of mockery and sweet affection.

“Yes”

“Why would you want to text? Or call? We live in the same house”

“For now” Lexa pointed out, remembering the promise she has made to the Chancellor. She has yet to make a decision on whether she would share the existence of such pact with Clarke.

“For now” Clarke echoed her. She held the door open when she stepped back in, leaving an implied invite for Lexa to come inside.

Lexa remained outside but took a quick peek and saw what she assumed as Raven partly hidden behind a wall that separate’s Clarke’s receiving area from her bed space. Clarke was writing on a piece of paper on the messiest and most clutter-filled desk Lexa has seen in all of her travels. When Clarke straightened up and walked back towards her, she pretended not to have been taking a peek.

Clarke gave her a questioning look. “You just stood there?”

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t kidding when I said you could just walk in but whatever. Here you go” she handed Lexa a small piece of paper with her cellphone number scribbled on it. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes”

“I have never seen you with a cellphone” Clarke posed.

“The question?”

“Well, where is the damn phone you’re going to use to call me?”

 _Good question_ , Lexa thought.

“See you tomorrow, Clarke” she replied with a smile and in the bravest surge of courage she has ever had, leaned in and kissed Clarke on the cheek, her lips lingering softly and slowly.

Clarke was about to say something – maybe an offhand comment on the spontaneity of the moment or a chastisement of an innocent gesture – but Lexa held her finger against her lips, effectively silencing what ever words were coming.

Lexa didn’t want words to stain or even glorify the moment.

She just wanted the moment for what it was – spontaneous and promptly innocent.

And as she watched Clarke with a charmed smile and playful, accusatory eyes close the door between them, she realized two things.

First, she had to start carrying her own phone.

Anya would laugh and probably tell her it’s a bad idea.

Indra would say it’s definitely a bad idea.

But she does have someone she wants to personally keep in touch with now and she had a feeling that the messages which are going to be relayed will not at all be ones she would wish to share with the Council of Generals.

And second, more importantly—

A kiss, no matter where it was planted, and how ever virtuous or innocent, is definitely a breach of protocol.

Whether such protocol exists or not.

This feeling she now has is definitely not one history books could ever give justified depiction of. Rules, laws, history, legends across millennia – they cannot possibly amount to the pounding in her chest or to the glory that her soul seems to be rejoicing in. It should probably be against rules and laws and should probably defy what history has always told.

Or maybe this was legendary.

This glory. This small claim on victory. This rogue of an emotion. This silent inquiry into untapped fears. This hunger for possibility. This courtship of a probable future with another being who somehow, mysteriously, has captivated her in every possible way.

This prayer and prophecy and fulfillment of what can be nothing more than a tale to put children to sleep.

This re-telling of a history she does not even know if she believes in.

This gentle tapping on a slumbering part of her. This awakening of a parcel of her soul that maybe she does belong to someone. That maybe this decision to pursue something that has no conceivable hopes of enduring human laws, human rules, human cruelty and human reality just might bear fruit to a ballad that would transcend lifetimes.

Maybe this has already been written and if not, maybe this is what she should be writing instead of war declarations or peace treaties.

Maybe this is love in its earliest and most fragile form. Maybe it has finally manifested itself to her – the one person who has always doubted it beyond measure.

Maybe this is why there never is a rule dictating that a Commander should never fall in love.

**_Or maybe this is why there should be one._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter is insightful and I apologize for the wait. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the turn of events because I am frankly coming up short on how to present the next chapter. Please comment here or on my tumblr about anything and everything. 
> 
> Also, it has been a hard day or a very hard weekend for us and I offer this chapter as a very small and maybe even trivial piece of my solidarity to all that have been affected by the worst hate crime in America's history. I can only pray that it brings what small joy and light in what seems like the darkest of days.
> 
> As always, thank you very much for reading!


	7. Standstill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her mother has always cautioned her to watch over her curiosity because “just because you want answers does not mean that the answers are what you want.” Sitting in the middle of nowhere, freezing and fighting off the urge to hold the hand of the woman next to her as they listen to a legend that is apparently about her (sorry, their) past lives, Clarke kind of wishes she listened to her mother.

(Clarke’s POV)

Clarke stood in the middle of her room, staring at her empty duffle bag, debating if she should transfer the contents of her over-packed backpack again into the bigger bag. She has done this four times now – packing, unpacking, re-packing. If there ever was a doubt as to her outdoor skills before, she confirmed in this last hour alone – she is NOT made for the outdoors.

She looked up at the clock – 3:40 AM. She had spent the last three hours packing. The last three before that trying to come into terms with what her mother told her.

She and Lexa are…soulmates?

Is that even a thing?

Her mom didn’t really use those words but that was only because Clarke knew she avoided that term like it was the absolute coming of the plague. Then again, there was nothing romantic about her mom’s big revelation. It was so unromantic, Clarke slammed the door behind her when she walked out of her mom’s bedroom before saying she will miss dinner and then marching down the hall to lock herself in her bedroom.

Now, she stood there pissed off, hungry, anxious and different kinds of confused.

Taking a deep breath and deciding to commit with the backpack, she swiped her phone from her bed and re-read Lexa’s first and only text.

_“Good night, Clarke._

_-Lexa”_

As angry as she is at her mother for admitting that she wasn’t even going to tell her at all if Lexa didn’t “make” her, and as clueless as she is on what this information could mean for her and Lexa – if there is a her and a Lexa, that she can figure out later – there was something about this text which came in just before midnight that took away the weight off her shoulders and eased the constrictions grappling her chest.

Clarke smiled at the message the same way she would at Lexa – unabashed and brave. If she allowed herself to go where her thoughts have definitely already lingered, she would admit that what her mother revealed actually explains a lot. Granted, it asks more than it answers, it would make Clarke feel less crazy. Maybe she’s not the one losing her mind.

Maybe her mom is.

Clarke closed Lexa’s message and dialled Octavia’s number again, hoping that maybe she would have had changed her mind about going to the Angry Rivers with them. When Octavia didn’t answer, she knew that the decision was set. She was going into this alone. Part of her likes the idea that she gets to have Lexa for herself. Not that Octavia’s company was any competition or distraction. It’s just that with her out of this trip, that’s one less person to worry about disappointing or displeasing.

That’s also one less person who could stop her from making a bigger fool of herself but getting _a lot drunk_ in front of the Commander of Blood was already as big of a fool as it can get.

Clarke crawled into bed, if she’s lucky, she can get about an hour of sleep and won’t spend most of the four-hour long road trip fighting off drowsiness in god-knows-what Lexa travels in. With any luck she can just spend the time chatting with Lexa, getting to know her more, discussing the legend if they’re alone…maybe a little flirting.

No such luck.

Clarke dragged herself to the back lawn of the mansion about 15 minutes before 5 in the morning. There is a stillness in the pre-sunrise atmosphere of the whole mansion that put her in a better mood than half an hour of broken sleep would usually render her. She checked her watch just as she was about to exit and felt slightly lucky for the 10 minutes she had to spare. Maybe she can at least make herself look awake.

Three Hummers were parked just by the exit and when she found Lexa already barking orders at her staff, she gave up the notion that things would go her way today.

It was not at all fair. Lexa looked like she slept her way to goddess status. Not that she ever really needed sleep. But after she came to visit her, after she asked for her number and after she kissed her on the cheek, Clarke felt like she can finally think of Lexa in this way without feeling guilty. And after what her mother told her, she feels like it really is okay – because apparently, she’s always thought of her this way.

Clarke slowly made her way to the huge black Hummer in the parked between two fatigue-colored ones. If Lexa was sleepy or tired, there was no signs of it. She seemed liked she was in good-spirits, trading a quick laugh with Anya before giving one final command to a soldier. Her voice was nowhere near drowsy. Clarke thought she never heard Lexa this excited.

When the Commander finally spotted her being less than discreet in her morning veneration, Clarke waved at her, slack-jawed.

Lexa is radiant against the dawn.

“Hey” she greeted her. Clarke tried to come up with something smoother, maybe a line or a cute greeting. She fell flat when Lexa smiled at her.

“Good morning, Clarke” Lexa said, her controlled beam still plastered on her face.

“Hey” Clarke replied again.

It felt a little awkward, just standing there facing each other. Do they shake hands? Hug? Clarke was about try for what she hoped for would be a not so awkward embrace when the flicker in Lexa’s eyes stopped her. At first she thought this was a warning not to come closer. Then she thought that someone like Lexa can’t possibly be a hugger.

Lexa must have seen the concern on her face because she smirked a little – that very subtle but at the same time unmistakeably pronounced curve on her rosy lips that has now become electrifying for Clarke – before flicking her eyes left and right once more. She was checking if anyone was watching them.

Clarke looked around at the same time. Two of her bodyguards were apparently shadowing her and Gustus was keeping an eye on Lexa from across them. She caught Lexa giving Gustus an understated wave of the hand and he let down his watch. At the same time, she saw Anya talk to her bodyguards and pointed them to the third hummer. They looked confused but considering this isn’t the first time Clarke has asked them to stay away, probably thought that the orders came from her. They joined three more fellow guards by the car and stayed away from them.

By the time Clarke turned to face and attempt that hug again, Lexa’s face was already inches away from her own. The very lips she was admiring were less than a breath away from hers and she froze at the possibility of knowing how they taste like. She closed her eyes slightly but then noticed that Lexa didn’t move closer.

She opened her eyes and saw that Lexa had tilted her head slightly, her eyes asking for permission. Clarke’s nod was supposed to be for consent. She realized it came out more as a hungry invitation when Lexa’s smirk grew twice as big.

Lexa kissed her. Not on the lips. Just to the side. Clarke felt that maybe it was a metaphor. It wasn’t on the lips but wasn’t on the cheeks either. They were nowhere close to being just acquaintances. They weren’t just friends. But they aren’t more than that either.

They were standing still in that place where relationships are either born or where they die.

The jolt from Lexa’s second kiss on her person though, was enough to fuel her for ten more lives. The girl kisses like she gives out lives. And it wasn’t even a “real” kiss. Not yet. She tried not to think about how that would feel like. Maybe that can wake a thousand dying suns.

“Clarke?”

Clarke blinked at her. She wonders if she can blame her spacing out to her sleepless night.

“Yeah?”

“How many nights are you staying at the Angry Rivers?”

Clarke blinked at her again. When Lexa threw a smirk at her backpack, she realized she was being teased.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t pack prepared?”

Lexa shrugged. “I didn’t pack for a week”

“Oh hush you. You brought three armed cars!”

“One’s just for you”

“I didn’t ask for it.”

“I told you it would take an army to protect you”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her. She was about to make a joke and ask how many armies has Lexa given her in their lives but bit her tongue. She doesn’t know when’s the right time is to bring up that topic but she knows it’s not now. Instead she just minded Lexa checking her watch and giving a signal for them to move out.

Gustus got behind the wheel and after last minute instructions, Anya sat on his passenger’s side. Lexa opened the door of the backseat and stepped back.

“Forgot something?” she asked as Lexa gave her a look.

“After you”

Clarke gave herself a mental face slap. _Of course Lexa would._

As soon as Lexa sat beside her and the doors locked, they were out of the mansion’s premises, racing against the sunrise.

“Are we in a hurry?” she asked Lexa.

“No. But I want to see how long the drive would take from the mansion to the rivers at emergency speed.”

Emergency speed? Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed at the thought. Were they anticipating an invasion? She thought back at her mother’s words: “you always seem to find each other when something terrible is about to happen.”

“What’s about to happen?” she blurted out.

Lexa’s stare lingered on her face more than usual. She didn’t lock eyes with her like she usually does. Instead, she watch Lexa’s luscious eyes go from one corner of her face to another.

“You didn’t sleep much, did you?” she noted when she was done examining her.

“You said to be ready by 5 in the morning!” Clarke countered defensively. She pulled her face away from Lexa’s inescapable watch and playfully but very unintentionally, slapped her on the shoulder.

Lexa didn’t seem to mind. She just smirked again.

“Remember when you showed up in my room before I was even properly dressed?” Lexa asked her.

Clarke shot a quick glance at Anya who was keeping her eyes straight on the road. Even if she had an earpiece in her left ear, Clarke had a feeling it was put on mute just to listen to this conversation because everything about her screamed alertness. Too alert even for a soldier of her calibre.

“You were putting on shoes, calm down” Clarke said, half an eye at Anya while maintaining her attention on Lexa.

“My point is you were awake that early.”

Clarke shrugged at her like she was still wrong before stifling a yawn. “That was different. It was not as early as now and I never went to bed.”

Lexa shook her head slightly at her before sighing dramatically. She reached over and for a second, Clarke thought she was getting another kiss or maybe that awkward hug she had anticipated. Instead, Lexa produced a pillow from behind her and handed it to her.

“It’s a four hour trip and you want me to sleep?” Clarke asked, ignoring the pillow while at the same time completely feeling like her insides are having a wild college party.

The fact that Lexa had anticipated her need of a comfortable pillow if she were to nap on this trip is sending all her senses to maximum overdrive. She can feel her cheeks going red already. She has always been pampered especially when her dad was alive. But even after his death, her friends were extra thoughtful and protective of her. But this is different. Because Lexa doesn’t know her or her tendency to take care of everyone else.

Lexa wasn’t overcompensating for the fact that none of her loved ones know how to comfort her. It isn’t even her job to keep her comfortable. She just thought of her ahead of everything else. It’s new for Clarke.

It’s…sweet.

“It’s a four hour trip and you want to fight off sleep the entire time?” Lexa tested her.

Clarke is nothing if not determined. She was going to stay awake for this entire trip. She was going to get her answers. She is going to get to know Lexa before they have to put their public personas on again.

“Thanks…for the pillow” she mutters as she absentmindedly hugged it. “I don’t really need it so if you don’t mind, I’d rather we just talk?”

Lexa pursed her lips before smiling her okay. She waited for Clarke to start their talk and Clarke’s mind travelled from “what’s your favourite color?” to “did you come here for a nuclear bomb my father supposedly made?”

Because she was short on sleep and because Lexa’s smile is one of those things that just make you soft all over, she found a middle ground.

“Read the news lately?” she mumbled casually.

“Yes” Lexa replied. “You want to talk about the news?”

“Well, what do you want to talk about?”

“What’s your favourite color?”

Clarke’s eyes widened at her before grinning. “You’re serious?”

Lexa shrugged. She looked confused on why his could possibly be so amusing or surprising to Clarke.

“I thought of asking you that!” Clarke explained. “I just thought it would be dumb.”

“Because?”

“Because of who you are…”

“We do have colors in Polis, Clarke” Lexa teased in her very serious tone.

Clarke has been around her enough to know that this was a joke. She wondered if this kind of sense of humor ever got Lexa in trouble with other delegates because it could easily be misconstrued. Then again, she has yet to hear Lexa joke with VIPs.

“Fine. It’s green. Yours?”

“Look at me”

“What?”

“Look. At. Me.”

Clarke frowned at her but complied. Lexa didn’t answer. She just smiled-slash-smirked at her eyes.

“Oh” Clarke said as soon as she understood what Lexa was doing. “You’re smooth, Commander”

“I wasn’t trying to be”

They exchanged a playful glance at each other before both looking away at the same time. Clarke doesn’t know what made Lexa look away so quickly. She just knows that she had to because it was increasingly becoming difficult not to kiss her. Maybe she should remind Lexa not to do anything that makes her feel this way but she is not as sure that that’s what she wants anymore.

They went on in comfortable silence for a minute or two before Clarke felt the drowsiness creeping in so she asked another question and Lexa turned her full attention back to her. They went on like that for almost an hour, either expanding answers or refusing to elaborate. They must have gone through hundreds of favorites, lasts, firsts…and every possible superlative there was in the planet.

Once or twice they would brush on the topic of their past lives and Lexa would allow her to steer the conversation to anywhere she would like. She thought Lexa was avoiding it as much as she was. Then when she finally mustered up the courage and asked if they should talk about it, Lexa just said that only if she wants to. Anya was on alert once more and that was enough cue for Clarke that they should talk about it when it’s just the two of them.

Clarke noted how Lexa’s answers were both thought-out and snappy. Like she has them prepared in an index card. Then she realized that of the two of them, she was the one who probably had more personal secrets. Lexa has no problem answering trivial questions about her. She went on and on about Trikru Tower – the Commander’s official residence. Clarke said she hated living in the Chancellor’s mansion. Lexa, on the other hand, was proud of the history of her home. A gift for winning a war that tore Polis down. Ever since then, every Commander has lived there.

Clarke, through hazy and sleepy eyes, marvelled the glow resonating from Lexa as she talked about the legacies of the Commanders before her. Clarke has never met a politician more sincere or more devoted to their job. Lexa may avoid sharing war stories with her but she has no problems spilling about all that could grow from sacrifice. She side-steps questions about killing but was more than comfortable talking about death.

She didn’t even have a problem talking about her parents. Apparently, it was easy when you barely have memories of them. Clarke looked at her sadly because this revelation came just after she went into detail about the last vacation they took as a family before her dad died. As soon as Lexa shrugged off that sentimentality, Clarke promised to do what she can to make sure she never sees that distant sadness in her now favourite pair of eyes.

They talked easily after that – travel, art, sports. She did most of the talking because Lexa has little to say about these topics and was perfectly contented listening to her go on and on about the renaissance artists.

It was the easiest thing in the world – talking to Lexa. Outside the confines of the mansion and the prying eyes of her mother and the general public, exchanging stories and occasional banter with someone who she supposedly have known throughout millennia. She finds herself hungry for every bit of information regarding Lexa’s…well, everything. And the more she learns, the more she gives part of herself as well. It was exhilarating to the paint of exhausting but no part of her wants to stop.

Knowing Lexa feels like reading a book with pages made of magic. She was hooked.

And she can tell Lexa was too. There is something moving about how she knows her every word was being breathed in by someone who had a world to carry but chooses to pay attention only to her. At least for now.

“Have you ever cried because of a girl?” Clarke whispered her next question. She was at this point hugging the pillow closer to her chest. She can feel sleep was about to win as she leaned her head back more comfortably on the headrest. The GPS in their car read that they were halfway to their destination. She doubts she can stay awake for that long.

“No…” Lexa whispered back.

Clarke sought out her eyes amidst the near-victorious slumber to see if she was lying. Lexa inched closer to her, their shoulders touching. Somehow, that was all that it took for Clarke to give in to sleep. The last thing she remembered was resting her head on Lexa’s ready shoulder muttering incoherently that she doesn’t believe Lexa never cried for a girl before.

Everyone has had their heart broken, she tried to convey to which Lexa just shushed her gently before tucking stray strands of her hair behind her ears. She felt her arm drop the pillow. She thought she heard Anya say something but couldn’t make out what it was. She could, however feel her hand sought out…something. She didn’t have to reach far because two heartbeats later, she knew Lexa took her hand, filling the gaps between her fingers perfectly.

Ah, that perfect fit.

Was this a dream? Probably.

She has never felt safer, more at home and more alive while she was awake. Lexa’s shoulders were as steady as they looked; her touch as soothing as she remembered and the lullaby which were her heartbeats as incarnate as a symphony at the gates of the gods.

 Clarke loved every bit of it. If this really was a dream, she realized that she has been doing sleep wrong all these years. Somewhere after relishing this new found haven and completely blacking out, she felt a soft graze on her forehead. She wanted to open her eyes to be sure that it was what it felt like but chickened out. Instead she nuzzled her nose closer to Lexa’s neck and allowed herself to drift back to sleep.

“Clarke” Lexa’s voice finally pulled her away from her dreamland. “We’re here…”

“Hmm” she replied, clutching tightly the hand that was still in her.

She felt Lexa shake a little before hearing the faintest sign of a chuckle.

“What?” she asked drowsily, still keeping her eyes closed and their hands one.

“You were right…”

Clarke slowly opened her eyes. She could see that Gustus and Anya were already out if the car. She lifted her head slowly. “What?”

“You didn’t need the pillow.”

Clarke could hear the grin behind the serious voice and stoic face. She smiled her gratitude before allowing Lexa to pull her hand away. They both exited the car to be greeted by dry, and bare mountain ranges and cliffs surrounding them. She could hear the rush of the water and knew that they stopped at the last spot reachable by vehicles – the Kissing Canyon, as the local called it. They were going to have to follow the small stream separating the ranges above in order to make it to the Angry Rivers. Then they would have to cross a narrower and shallower portion of the Rivers to where it was safe to set up camp.

“Keep close to me” Lexa told her when they started their hike.

“It’s either you or my bodyguards” Clarke replied rolling her eyes. “You know I’d pick you”

She said it as her awkward attempt at flirting. But it was true and a part of her wanted Lexa to know that. A smaller part of her wanted to see if she can throw Lexa off guard as well. She still does not know where they stand because no one goes to sleep and wakes up to a new relationship status. But seeing how constant Lexa was during their question and answer portion, she wanted to see if her being more forward than she usually is would rattle a few well-trained senses.

“Not much of a competition” Lexa teased back.

Clarke shook her head, amazed. They didn’t talk much during the hike – Lexa seemed to have switched back to Commander mode, talking to Anya about the terrain and occasionally asking her soldiers questions she already knew the answers to. By the third time Lexa threw a question to no one in particular, Clarke realized she wasn’t asking to be informed. She was testing her soldiers. When the hiked slowed down as they neared the rockier and definitely rougher portion of the terrain, Lexa hung back to check on her.

“How do you do it?” Clarke asked her after saying she was fine, just a little winded.

“Test my men?”

“Be different—but still be you”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her before offering her a water bottle.

“You’re different with me than you are with them” Clarke explained in between gulps of water. “But no one here has forgotten you’re the Commander the same way that I’m pretty sure everyone here knows you’re not just the Commander to me.”

“And who am I to you?”

Clarke thought about it. There was no point pretending that this was a question she has never asked herself. In the last 12 hours alone, she must have thought about it as often as she breathed. And in every new information she learned about Lexa, she has thought about it harder. Deeper.

In more intimate ways than she should be allowed to.

“I don’t know yet” she admitted. “Apparently you’re my—well—my—you know.”

“Your…?”

Clarke could tell that Lexa knows exactly what she couldn’t say.

“Don’t make me say it” she begged her weakly. “It’s dumb and you will laugh and your soldiers might think you’re a softy.”

“Or they’ll think you’re extremely funny” Lexa countered. “When you decide who I am to you, do let me know. And try not to worry about how I do it—you’re doing the exact same thing.”

“I’m no Commander, Lexa…”

“Does not mean you’re not commanding. I don’t think there’s anyone here who has forgotten that you are the most important person in all of Arkadia. Nor have they missed the fact that you are more than just the Chancellor’s daughter to me.”

“And who am I to you exactly?” Clarke called out louder than she intended. She could immediately feel everyone’s eyes on her the second Lexa stopped walking.

“It” Lexa replied.

She said it with such supremacy that it didn’t really call for an explanation. Not that Clarke didn’t need one. She really does but Lexa kept on walking again, making everyone else get on with their hike. By the time Clarke has caught up with Lexa, they were already at one of the only three parts of the rivers where it was safe to cross by foot. The other two were somewhere behind these endless mountains.

About 200 meters of rushing current separated them from the riverbed where Lexa’s young scouts where camped. Clarke tried to shield her eyes from the sun’s rays to see if she can spot Indra but the tents and the uniforms every soldier was wearing made it a little more difficult. Polis soldiers take camouflage to a whole new level.

Clarke turned to Lexa who was removing her belt, with her gun holstered and handing it to a soldier. She turned around to see if everyone was doing it. No one was. Anya simply took her gun out before following some of the soldiers already wading through three feet of water.

“You can’t keep your gun dry on your own?” Clarke asked Lexa.

“I can” Lexa replied, taking out the last piece of weapon she has on and adding it on the pile in the soldier’s hands. “But not when I have you on my back.”

“I can cross the damn river on my own.”

“In non-waterproof boots with no hint of a thermal regulator or extra sole protection?” Lexa looked almost disgusted with her choice of footwear. “You’ll end up hurting yourself.”

As much as she found the pillow thing earlier beyond sweet, that was about as far she would let the gestures go. There was another reason why she never really had anyone take care of her or put her comfort above everything else. Clarke has always been very independent and stubbornly opposed being a burden to anybody. Having Lexa carry her on her back is the very literal definition of being a burden.

“You’re not carrying me on your back. It’s gallant, Lexa but no”

Lexa sighed before signalling for Clarke’s bodyguards to cross get into the water first. Clarke realized the only people who weren’t in the water or on the other side of the river were Gustus, Lexa, the soldier carrying Lexa’s weapons, her and her guards.

Clarke nodded at her guards and they immediately plunged in. One almost got swept away by the current only to be caught by another one barely standing upright. The other made it halfway before crying out in pain and calling out that whoever was left by Clarke should probably make sure she stays away from the sharp rocks. No one dared mentioning that Clarke should probably be carried because she didn’t have the proper footwear. The guard standing next to her looked at her hesitantly.

Clarke rolled her eyes and faced Lexa who looked about as bored as she was smug.

“Have you ever been wrong in your life?” Clarke spat at her, grudgingly.

Lexa didn’t answer. She just motioned for Clarke to get on her back.

“Really? Come on”

“It’s me or her” Lexa said, flicking an unimpressed nod at the bodyguard by Clarke’s side.

Clarke gave one last groan of frustration before swallowing her pride and jumping slowly on Lexa’s back. Now, she knows this girl is fit and toned and all kinds of godliness. But she also knows that she most probably outweighs her by a couple of pounds. That didn’t at all seem to bother Lexa though. Clarke swore Lexa made her feel weightless.

Like she wasn’t heavy.

Like she wasn’t a burden.

She hugged Lexa’s neck tighter as a thank you before loosening her grip because Gustus inched closer towards them, blocking a particularly strong current away from hitting Lexa directly. Clarke felt Lexa’s hand grip the back of her knees more securely when the current became harsher.

“Hey” Clarke whispered to her ear.

Lexa grunted her response, not bothering to take a peek at her expression.

“You knew I’d pick you” Clarke repeated.

“Yes” Lexa replied with a ghost of a smile. She readjust her grip on Clarke’s legs before finally tilting her head slightly so she could have eye contact with the girl on her back. “It’s our thing, it seems”

“We have a thing?”

Lexa nodded just as another surge of current hit them.

“We pick each other”

Clarke knew immediately to what that was referring to. Finally, Lexa brought up the matter first. Sure, it was probably small talk as they try to navigate this river but she has gotten herself well-acquainted to the many melodies in Lexa’s tone. This was not some trifling attempt at keeping their minds busy and away from the fact that everyone was watching them. This wasn’t even flirting.

Okay, this is them so it’s probably flirting. A little.

Clarke felt her face grow warm at the thought and was thankful for the excuse that the sun was providing heat. She shook her head slightly, earning a soft reprimand from Lexa to minimize her movement. Once she regained control of her thoughts she allowed herself to conclude that now that they’re at their destination, maybe it was time to warm-up to the topic. Indra was after all waiting for them with towels.

“I’m okay with that” she told Lexa in another whisper.

She meant it two ways. She’s okay that they pick each other. And she’s okay if they talk about it. Lexa didn’t say anything.

“What did you mean?” Clarke asked, the urgency in her voice apparent as they neared the other side. “When you said ‘it’? When I asked you what am I to you? You said ‘it’ what did you mean?”

Lexa didn’t walk slower as Clarke hoped she would. She also didn’t answer right away. When they reached the riverbed, she set her down gently before giving Indra a stern look. She took the two towels from her before calling out to the entire camp.

“You have five minutes before I want to see everything you have accomplished so far. I did not cross this river with the Chancellor’s daughter on my back for campfire songs and smores!”

Her voice echoed all over the mountains surrounding them and suddenly the whole camp buzzed to life with soldiers and scouts scrambling from one direction to another. Indra gave them one last look before giving Anya a briefing and a tour.

“So, I’m back to being the Chancellor’s daughter, huh?” Clarke pretended to be hurt. Truth was, hearing it from Lexa’s lips was so different from hearing it from everyone else.

Lexa held her gaze the way she usually does in public – secretively but in a way more intimately. And definitely more seriously, with the strength enough to wipe the Angry Rivers dry.

“You’re it” she said.

Clarke’s eyebrow furrowed before her brain caught up with her heart. Lexa was answering her earlier question.

“You’re it for me, Clarke” she repeated and Clarke realized that was about the only explanation she was going to get.

As it were, she spent the rest of the day figuring out what that meant. Lexa was the very definition of a Commander. The amount of orders, lessons and work Lexa managed to pull off before lunchtime was insane. Clarke wondered how the girl isn’t a blur at this time. While she sat with her guards and Anya inside an open tent, Lexa would only make an appearance to check on her. The rest of the time she was watching drills or heading out to where others were doing survival training. After lunch, Indra said she would take the Commander on a tour of the different surveillance set-ups their young recruits managed overnight.

Lexa asked her if she wants to come. At the mention of another part of the Angry Rivers was to be traversed, she begged off. It was almost sundown by the time the group got back and within that time, Clarke has been taught how to start a fire from virtually nothing and every basic tip on assessing whether an area was safe to set up camp or not.

It wasn’t until Lexa pulled her up from the first fire she has ever created by herself that she realized, she was enjoying herself.

“Did you spend too much time thinking about what I said?” Lexa asked her as they walked away from camp.

Clarke debated which truth should she admit – yes, I spent the day thinking about it or not really, your people kept me busy.

“Yes” she said when they were out of earshot from everyone at camp. She watched as Lexa bent towards the edge of the river, took in a handful of water and splashed her face with it.

“And?”

Clarke pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket and met Lexa’s hand, stopping it from wiping her face.

“And I’m still not sure what that meant” she admitted, wiping Lexa’s face gently.

Lexa’s eyes were flickering back and forth again – the same way when she was checking out who was watching them earlier that morning. No one would ever admit it but you do get used to being watched, at least enough to know how that feels like even when the people doing the watching try to be discreet about it.

“Are they?” Clarke asked to confirm. She had unconsciously dropped her voice to a whisper and immediately wished they were back in Lexa’s hummer, free from any possible judgment.

“Indra is” Lexa answered with tension in her own whisper. She touched Clarke’s hand that was still wiping her face. “I would think she knows.”

Clarke gulped. She couldn’t hide the panic in her eyes nor the annoyance in them when Lexa smirked at her reaction.

“Not that—not this…” Lexa clarified, bringing their hands down together.

They didn’t hold hands but something in the way their touch lingered a second longer than what should be considered proper made Clarke a little more at ease.

“I think Indra knows what I mean when I said you’re it”

“Oh. How?”

“I don’t have a habit of carrying people across rivers. Commanders don’t do that.”

“No?” Clarke laughed nervously.

“No.”

“Well, no Commander has met me before” Clarke declared in another laugh.

The joke was good-natured.

It was meant to lighten the mood.

The shadows buried deep in Lexa’s eyes, however, told a different story. And there was no way Clarke could miss the theme of it. She exhaled sharply before letting the last bit of their alone time pass. Who knew she would find it this hard to let go of a moment as fleeting as the one between them?

“Not technically” Lexa said, as though reading her mind.

“No, not technically” Clarke agreed. “Indra will talk to us now?”

Lexa nodded grimly.

“Then let’s get this over with”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Don’t you?”

“I’m asking you” Lexa insisted. “It’s not my life that might be altered.”

Clarke found the warning unfair.

“This doesn’t affect you?” she demanded of Lexa. “Whatever this legend is, it only affects me?”

“I am who I am regardless. I will be who I will be no matter how this story goes.”

“And me?!”

“You’d still be it for me” Lexa’s sad declaration made the hair at the back of Clarke’s neck stand. “But it might shape who you want to be in this world.”

Clarke knew that Lexa was giving her a version of the same warning her mother used to give her before she left for college. Wanting answers is different from getting them. And just because you want answers does not mean you would want the ones you will get. She never listened to her mom.

She wasn’t going to listen to Lexa now.

“Whoever I decide to be is not the question” she said with a confidence she didn’t know she had. This just must be one of those things Lexa’s presence brings out of her. Watching someone who is beyond definite with her destiny and her being that such kind of certainty practically exudes so gracefully out of her makes Clarke want to take hold of her own fate as well.

Which is saying a lot because she didn’t even believe in destiny 12 hours ago.

“It’s who’s gonna be there when I become that person. And if I’m ever going to be who I’m supposedly meant to be, I want to know how I supposedly was before” she finished calmly.

Clarke finds that Lexa also calms her down. The need to constantly have things together and figured out goes out the window whenever she is round her. It’s almost as if all her trivial problems are highlighted for what they are – inconsequential. And the best part of it is she can think this way and not feel defiant or rebellious. She doesn’t feel like she is letting people down or turning away from a path that she has to live up to. She doesn’t feel like she is throwing away her father’s legacy.

She feels like she is finally accepting it. Embracing it, even.

What a girl this Lexa is, holding her world still.

“If you are sure” Lexa said. “Can you wait until after we eat? I want to eat with the scouts and would prefer they were not around to hear.”

Clarke nodded. She also would not want an entire audience to witness how she would react. She walked with Lexa back to the main camp in silence, the back of their hands brushing against each other’s but the contact never lasting more than a few seconds. Clarke would glance once or twice at Lexa’s direction and she was always a heartbeat late from catching Lexa doing the same thing at her.

“Pick each other huh?” Clarked muttered under her breath. She watched Lexa bite her lower lip to suppress either a smirk or a smile. “I can live with that.”

They walked back to their secondary tent, which was basically just a roof over them, and started dinner. Clarke realized her food was getting cold when Anya gave her a tap on the shoulder. It was hard to focus on anything else other than Lexa listening to her soldiers talk. With very little to no emotions at all, even the smallest, most inexperienced scout gets to be heard. Whether Lexa actually take some suggestions or opinions into account was left a mystery to everyone but she listened.

No pleasantries. No bullshits. She just listened.

And Clarke just watched.

She wondered if this was a common sight in her past lives. Did she admire Lexa this much in the past? Was Lexa this strong? This in control? Did they talk about survival guides and battle plans and war strategies? Did they discuss political views? Did they agree? Did they compromise? Did Lexa hear what she had to say? Did she have a lot to say? Did all of these things matter?

Was she as in-love with the Lexas of the past as she thinks she might be now?

Clearly, she doesn’t have answers now and clearly, she wouldn’t admit falling for Lexa anytime soon. She was never the type to admit anything anyway. At least not publicly.

Lexa stood up and dismissed everyone. The scouts piled out quickly while the soldiers waited for the rest of their orders. Anya told them they have the rest of the night for themselves as long as the security shifts will be followed.

“Let’s go” Lexa told Indra.

Indra threw Clarke her usual disapproving glare but led them somewhere up the river where a bonfire was set up just at the mouth of a cave. Clarke told her bodyguards to join some of Lexa’s soldiers doing patrol before briefly exchanging a look of understanding with Anya.

Lexa sat directly across Indra, only the bonfire cackling between them. Clarke felt like maybe it would have been better if she skipped dinner because the look on Indra’s face made her queasy.

“What did your mother tell you, Clarke?” Indra asked her.

“She said she told me everything she knows” Clarke said. “I don’t know if that’s true though. Wouldn’t be the first time she doesn’t tell me things.”

“Your mother knows very little” Indra told her. “It was designed that way. It has always been that way”

“Why?” Clarke asked.

“We don’t trust you” Indra replied simply.

Clarke shot Lexa a questioning frown. That was not something she had asked on their car ride – how is there an alliance between their nations but a strong sense of distrust is patently obvious.

Lexa didn’t say anything. She just gave Indra a wave to keep talking.

“Over a millennia ago, the very first female Commander of Polis was on an expedition to conquer lands. She wanted the entire continent, everything her small army can reach and can take. She had come from a long line of warriors from her father’s side but her mother was a mystery. It is said that what she was truly looking for was not territories but anyone who could tell her about her mother” Indra’s voice shook the stillness of the night as she started her tale. “She had conquered most of the East and no one could tell her anything."

“From how this story is starting, I can tell by now something went wrong because you guys definitely do not own the entire East Coast” Clarke whispered to Lexa.

Lexa’s stern look told her to keep the comments to a minimum so she gave an apologetic look at Indra and muttered for her to continue telling the rest of it.

“Her quest finally led her West and she was told that someone around these areas knew her mother but because times then are unlike what they are now, information was hard to come by. She had to wage war on a lot of tribes. The victories were easy. Your ancestors, Clarke, never had the same inclination for conquests and bloodshed as ours did. Still, spies and traitors are of the oldest professions in the world. It is said that the Commander was wounded by a poisoned arrow from an unknown source on a night of festivities. While war was something we were very good at – alchemy was never our strongest suit.”

Clarke took a deep breath. She has read this story before. But it wasn’t in their history books or some folklore. This was in her father’s old journals. The ones she inherited after he died. She read them every night for months after his death. It was her way of feeling closer to him. She read them in his voice and for the longest time it was the only thing that could put her to sleep.

She tried to calm her heart because her mind was already racing towards the ending of the tale. She knows the Commander dies. Except, it can’t have been the same Commander because the story in her father’s journals took place within this century. It also took place within her family tree. Not in their direct line, if she remembers correctly but definitely a distant ancestor.

Indra watched her make the connection.

“It’s a cycle, Clarke” she told her. “As I’m sure the Commander is realizing now too”

Clarke’s worry over the secrets of her family’s past momentarily vanished at Indra’s words. She turned quickly to Lexa, “Have you been mortally wounded before?”

“Never.”

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t imagine it – the thought that she could have lost Lexa way before she even had a chance to meet her.

“Then what’s the connection?” she asked.

Lexa smiled sadly at her before directing her gaze straight into the fire. With her voice colder than the night and enough to render them without a source of heat, she replied without any tint of sadness or longing, “My mother is a mystery to me too.”

Clarke mentally hit herself in the head. How could she forget? She was about to apologize to Lexa but she cut her off by giving Indra an order to continue with the rest of the story.

“The Commander’s condition was getting worse so those closest to her travelled with her body, in search of the best alchemist they could. The accounts vary but it is said that they reached this remote but quite organized and very populated village. The people there were well-known for their potions and magic. In exchange for the Commander’s life which they swore to save, they asked only that they be spared from her rule. Faced with very little time and no options at all, whoever was in-charge agreed”

“She didn’t die?” Clarke asked, her earlier concerns still making her shake.

“No. They nursed her back to health. She stayed in that village for as long as she could. They say she enjoyed it there. But she had to leave. She had to look for her mother and she did have an empire to rule – one that was becoming increasingly difficult to manage. Before she left, however, she made a promise to the people. Her forces, how ever strong or weak, how ever numerous or outnumbered, will always be ready to defend them. It was a promise she took to her death” Indra’s already grave face turned darker, a foreshadowing leading to greater loss.

“War came” Lexa supplied for Indra. “She lost, did she not?”

Indra shook her. “No, Commander. She won. At a price.”

“Her life” Clarke concluded. “How did she die?”

“She was wounded in battle, in an act of the ultimate sacrifice for her people. Her last wish was to be brought back to the village. Her people thought maybe it was so she could get healed again. But a body is mortal and even the best and bravest will soon bow down to the inevitable. She died in the village. No magic can ever bring back what was meant to leave”

Clarke tried to connect this story to what her mother told her but could not get past the missing link.

“Indra, her people, they were wrong weren’t they?” she asked, the hoarseness of her voice scaring even her. She was unaware of how dry her throat was or how cold her fingers were. She wasn’t even aware that she had eliminated the tiniest of spaces between her and Lexa. “She didn’t come back to be healed, did she?”

Indra shook her head at Clarke, and for the first time since they met, looked at her like she was worth more than just the headache she brought Lexa’s entire inner circle.

“She came back for someone” Clarke continued.

“Yes, she did”

From beside her, she heard Lexa exhale sharply.

“The reason why she stayed after she was fully recuperated, why she would go back whenever she could, why she promised them an army at their disposal and why her last wish was to die where she was miraculously brought back to life was a girl. She was in love with the daughter of the healer who looked after her. The daughter of the tribe’s leader” Indra supplied for both of them. “A secret love. A secret bond. Very, very few people knew about it.”

“She let her die?” Clarke asked after they all had fallen silent.

She looked at Lexa who still hasn’t taken her eyes off the fire. There was no way – in any universe, in any lifetime – she would ever just let Lexa die. Never. And they were not even in-love. Not like the people in the story, anyway. If she had the power to keep this girl next to her alive, she would. She would give everything.

“Love cannot heal a mortal body, Clarke” Indra told her solemnly. “You are going to be doctor someday. You know this.”

“Did she have the capacity to save her?”

“If she had, do you think she would have allowed her love to leave this life?”

Clarke shook her head fiercely.

Indra nodded, encouraging her theory – there was nothing anyone could do.

“Mortal bodies, mortal lives – they pass through” Indra continued after making sure the both of them if they were ready for more. “Souls, however, can live forever. It is said that on the Commander’s deathbed, there was an oath between them – to always find each other and—and—“

“And what?” Lexa demanded. “Spit it out, Indra”

Clarke was slightly surprised at the intensity of Lexa’s command. She was already lost in her own thoughts and her own fears that she forgot it’s not her ancestor who died first. She was not the first to die in their past life. She wanted to touch Lexa’s hand as a show of support but the force in her voice didn’t really suggest that she needed one.

“And to fulfil their destinies” Indra replied, her face uncomfortable at the statement. She looked like she had more to say but something about their faces made her stop. “There was this ancient ritual they did to sanctify the oath before they finally parted with the Commander’s body”

“Does it occur to anyone else here that they did not so much start the concept of reincarnation but merely got married?” Lexa posed as though it was as trivial as the questions she threw at her scouts and soldiers.

Clarke could see her point and if there wasn’t this hole in her stomach growing more painful over the death of someone she’s not sure actually existed before, she would be blushing over Lexa mentioning “married” in a describing…them. That would be something. Her and Lexa. Married. In their past lives. In this life.

In any life.

Clarke cleared her throat, more for herself than for anyone.

“The story isn’t over, is it?” she asked Indra.

“No, Clarke. It is not. The Commander’s death ushered war after war effectively tearing down her empire. You both know your world history, I’m sure you can pinpoint the parallels. But what you want to know is the next incarnation—”

“If there was any” Lexa interrupted.

“I thought you had spoken to Anya, Commander?”

Clarke looked up at Anya who had been uncharacteristically quiet.

“Anya thought it best to tell me love stories instead of history” Lexa said.

“Your history is a love story, Commander” Anya told her patiently. “And it is a beautiful one. Tell them, Indra”

Clarke released a chunk of air she didn’t realize she was holding in. A beautiful love story. That could be something to be excited of. She has never been a hopeless romantic but who doesn’t love romance and epic tales of eternal love?

The thing about a truly epic romantic tale, however, is that there is always tragedy in it.

That’s what makes it epic.

“So…” she said, feeling all eyes on her. “Lexa is my…soulmate?”

Clarke heard Lexa breathe heavily as Anya nodded slightly. She looked at Indra whose face was as unreadable as ever.

“I believe your souls are connected, yes” Indra replied after pondering about it. “Soulmates is too optimistic of a term.”

Well. Leave it to Indra to kill romance.

“What do you mean?” Clarke and Lexa asked in unison.

“They vowed to find each other in every life their souls may live. There was nothing said about love. Just destiny” Indra explained very carefully. She spoke so slowly Clarke literally felt her neck ache trying to coax one word after another. “You may be bound by your souls but your destinies may not.”

Anya rolled their eyes.

“The love bit of it is clearly implied” she said under her breath.

“Love is never implied” Clarke said. Again she felt three pairs of eyes on her. She sought out the ones she knew she had a home in.

“What? You disagree?” she asked Lexa.

Lexa quirked an eyebrow at her, slightly surprised at the query.

“I do not have much of an opinion on love” Lexa replied unemotionally. “Indra, can we get on with it?”

Indra nodded before launching Clarke’s stomach into a whirlwind.

“We didn’t know about this story until about 80 years ago when a historian did a study on past Commanders. That was when the pattern was seen. Every female Commander always had ties with the daughter of Arkadia’s Chancellor. The nature of these ties, I cannot be sure of. 500 years ago, Polis was instrumental in making sure that your people would have a stable government. The last dying act of our Commander then was to put the would-be Chancellor’ family in office. Safe, protected and with enough power and authority to sustain a nation. 300 years ago, it was reversed. An ancestor of yours, Clarke gave our people a gift. Do you know the safest place in the northern hemisphere?”

Clarke shook her head. Did they gift Polis a nuclear bomb shelter?

“Trikru Tower” Indra answered simply.

Lexa frowned at her. “Trikru was once burned down” she pointed out.

“And when it was re-built, it has since become a fortress. Indestructible. Thanks to the technology Clarke’s ancestors gave us.”

“Ancestors?” Clarke asked emphasizing the plurality of the term.

Indra pursed her lips.

“Ancestor” Anya corrected. “Previous life. Previous self. We may not know how all of your supposed incarnations faired on the relationship department but we know for a fact that 300 years ago, the Commander of Blood was so in-love with the Chancellor’s daughter that she fought a war we had nothing to do with. Not that our people do not like our wars but as history would have it, this was the biggest one we had a part in.”

“The Cold Mountains” Lexa whispered.

As soon as she said it, Clarke felt a sense of dread in her stomach. She had only ever felt it once before. The night her father died. She could not shake it off. She knew something wrong had happened or would happen. She just didn’t know what and it was only when she had gotten the call about her dad did the dread subside.

Replaced by the darkest of pains that would almost consume her.

Now, she wonders if the feeling was her own or was she remembering the dread her past life felt. Is she going to have to figure everything out now? Does she have to segregate and make sure that what she is feeling is her own mind and heart talking and not someone else’s memory? Surely, she is still just one person, right?

“That was the only big war we fought in” she pointed out. “It was because Azgeda wanted to invade us. Take control of our government and our resources. Our advance technology.”

“You would have lost too if it were not for us” Indra said. “Our Commander then rallied her strongest battalions and they barricaded the foot of the Cold Mountains. Some say that was the war that truly united our nations.”

“But you don’t think that was it?”

“No” Indra said bitterly. “It was a ruse. They wanted you but they wanted something more. A bigger seat. A more powerful seat. Polis. They set their sights to Polis and by the time our people realized it, it was too late. Polis was burning when the Commander returned. Trikru Tower was a mortuary.”

Clarke looked at Lexa guiltily. She wondered if she should apologize. But where does she begin? How does she begin?

“I am beginning to think Anya’s description of a love story is not standard” Lexa joked at her.

Clarke appreciated the gesture but the dread is still in her stomach and it was as casting as the shadows in Lexa’s face.

“My definition of love is just right, Commander” Anya broke the staring contest ensuing between them. “It is pain. It is sacrifice. And if done right, it is worth it.”

“What Anya means is that according to historians, 300 years ago was the first time that hints of this reincarnation surfaced. No one had chronicled it, as I have said, but rumors were someone close to the Commander had whispered it in her ear. She at that time, apparently, had not travelled to Arkadia. She was young too. She grew curious. It is rumoured that she was the Commander who wanted to sever the ties between the two nations. She did not see the use of it.”

“She changed her mind when she met…?” Clarke let the sentence hang. She was unsure which reference or pronoun to use.

“She fell in love” Anya urged. “We actually have documentation of this! There were letters upon letters exchanged between them. They discussed everything. She would write about her uncertainty to lead her people. About how difficult it was to be a woman in charge of everything in a room where men would not listen. She would talk about how lonely it would get – not having known a childhood, friends, or what love truly is. Everything. She had arranged once for her love to visit Polis. She toured her, showed her everything and even when she had to go back home, their letters would discuss about their favourite places in Polis. Their letters were practically a tour book. That’s how Azgeda found out. They intercepted one of the letters.”

“They found the locations which were not as secure and more importantly…they found out she had a weakness” Indra interrupted Anya. “They knew she would drop everything for this girl. And she did—“

“They were thwarted!” Anya raised her voice along with their hands. “Arkadia built Polis from the ground up! The Chancellor himself supervised the construction of Trikru Tower and it is – to this day – protected by the most advanced technology programmed by his daughter!”

“Are we still protecting you now?” Clarke asked Lexa. She eyed Anya and Indra who were close to a shouting match. “Sorry, I just kind of want to know.”

Lexa shook her head.

“That is not entirely accurate. You do not control our security system.”

“So much for eternal love then” Clarke scoffed.

“You misunderstand, Clarke” Anya said to her. “We were not given a device to protect Trikru Tower. We were given something that lasts much longer. Something that grows, develops, adapts.”

“Which is what?”

Lexa held her hand up to silence both Anya and Indra.

“State secret” she said.

Clarke’s face turned incredulous. “It’s from us!”

“But is not yours now.” Lexa pointed out.

“It’s not like we’re going to steal it, Lexa.”

“It is not like you actually can, Clarke”

Clarke clenched her teeth. “Then why suddenly secretive?”

“Because it is a secret” Lexa shrugged at her.

“You don’t trust me?”

“This is not about trust”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her. “Then what is it about?”

“National security. Foreign relations. My job.”

“Oh, so me, you’re okay with, but you just don’t trust my people?”

Lexa sighed pointedly at her. Clarke could see her patience wearing thin. On any other time she probably wouldn’t push it or even pursue to the topic. But tonight emotions are already running high on her part and part of her expected she could rely on Lexa to be more open now.

In hindsight, she would know that she was being immature and inappropriate. But for now, she doesn’t care. She wasn’t even sure if she was directing her outburst at the Commander. Part of her says she was talking to Lexa without the title.

Lexa looked at her like she was Clarke. Not the Chancellor’s daughter. It’s been clear to her that that’s how Lexa would always prefer to view her. Even so, Lexa apparently is incapable of forgetting her own status as head of state.

“Your people gave us this gift and we shall do with it whichever way we please”

“You know what, if we really are reincarnations and there are past lives in us – it’s practically conjugal property!”

“If we really are reincarnations, don’t you think we should be learning from our past lives and from history? There are matters one should not share with the love of her life”

Clarke opened her mouth with the makings of a very heated retort but literally bit her tongue when the last four words from Lexa’s mouth finally hit her.

_Love of her life._

Was Lexa referring to her? Or was this a part of their past lives talking?

But Lexa was talking in the present tense. And Lexa is looking at her. Right here. Right now. In this cave, in this night, in this time of great revelation, with two of the most powerful figures in the world staring at them like they were circus freaks, and with a dread inside her that will just not cease, Lexa was staring at her.

_Love of her life._

No one in that cave missed those words.

And as far as Clarke was concerned, no one in that cave breathed, moved or existed.

Just her and Lexa.

Was it possible that she just had the world’s least romantic love declaration and she missed it?

Clarke could see comprehension, a driven purpose, undeniable certainty and unbridled affection in Lexa’s eyes. Those words were not an accident. They meant what they meant. Lexa is extremely unreadable to the rest of the world but she allows her in. She’s always allowed her in. And she could see it now. Lexa meant it. There are feelings here. Between them. Just as they have both always known.

The world could stop right now and Clarke would still know.

The world has stopped and Clarke does still know.

Lexa loves her.

Those words were not a poor choice of vocabulary.

“What?” Clarke managed to choke out when she felt the world spin again. “What did you say?”

Immediately after she asked, Lexa looked away and the dread in Clarke’s stomach tripled.

Maybe the words mean what they mean but the look on Lexa’s face is clear that she did not mean to actually say them.

Clarke turned to Indra and Anya whose faces are about as contrast as they come. Anya was concerned over Lexa. Indra was irate at Clarke.

“Should I continue, Commander?” Indra hissed, eyes still on Clarke.

Lexa nodded at her but still refused to look at Clarke. As Indra retraced her thoughts, Clarke felt Lexa’s hand reach for hers and as confused as that makes her feel, she still met it halfway. She doesn’t know what it means. She doesn’t even know why Lexa did it. She just knew that no amount of being pissed off at her would make her not want to hold her hand.

She gets dumb like that.

Clarke turned her attention at Indra while getting some silent answers from Lexa.

One squeeze told her it was an apology. The interlacing of their fingers told her it was a show of support. The fact their hands were under a blanket so Indra would not see told her there was much to be discussed after tonight.

“While Polis was being re-built, the Commander set her eyes on Azgeda. We do revenge really well. And before the last brick on Trikru Tower was placed, Azgeda had been defeated. For a while, they stayed under our rule. Even after the Commander’s death. They were freed when the last traces of their power-hungry generation died or were eradicated” Indra continued as if she was never interrupted.

“And what of..?” Clarke asked. She realized she didn’t even know their names. She didn’t want to ask. She could always look it up later. Plus, something was telling her not to find out tonight.

“They were to marry” Anya spoke before Indra had the chance to reply. “But the Commander died prematurely.”

“How?” Clarke asked.

“Rebels” Lexa answered her. “Anya told me this story. It’s her favourite. They were out riding in the forests of Polis when they were ambushed. Their guards slaughtered. The Commander stayed to face the rebels. She told her love to head back to the capital, get help. She said she would soon follow. She was never able to. She took an arrow to the chest. An arrow aimed for her love.”

“Help arrived too late?”

Lexa shifted in her seat. “The arrow was laced with a very old, very strong, lethal poison. She didn’t stand a chance.”

“Was it--- was it the same as..?”

Lexa nodded. “A variation. Stronger. No known antidote. To this day.”

Clarke gulped. “They didn’t get their happy ending”

It was another naïve way to look at things but that was the truth. She has yet to hear of any version of what is becoming her new reality that their past lives ended up together.

“If you want to look at it that way” Anya smirked at her. “Do you know why your nation has the best research hospitals and facilities, Clarke?”

Clarke shook her head.

“Because of that poison. If we are to believe some accounts, it is said that one of your past lives was dedicated to finding an antidote. And this is feat became part of your identity as a people. Or should I say, strengthened your identity as a people? No matter… here we are, all alive and well because of the health services your people provide.”

“It’s still not a happy ending” Clarke stubbornly pointed out.

“Or proof that we are reincarnations” Lexa said. She let go of Clarke’s hand gently. “Indra, I still do not see the point of all this.”

“The fact that you have met Clarke, Commander is a signal in itself. We must be wary of the Cold Mountains. Both of our nations should be prepared for the greatest war of this century.”

“Are you saying that that’s all we are? A beacon that lives are about to be ruined?” Clarke’s anger at the suggestion of that theory echoed too forcefully all over the caves that they had to duck from the bats who suddenly fluttered out.

“You wanted to know and now you do!” Indra scolded.

“Do NOT yell at her” Lexa barked at Indra.

“My apologies, Commander. I just wanted to be clear – my agenda has always been to protect you and our people. It just so happens that part of my job is to fulfil a promise made long ago – I protect Clarke’s people too. And I cannot do my job if her mother refuses to tell her that knowing you, Commander, has its consequences”

“How could knowing Lexa bring about catastrophe?” Clarke all but yelled again.

She looked at the three people sharing the fire with her. Indra was livid. Anya resigned. Lexa…grave.

“Maybe the catastrophe is knowing me…” she whispered in a softness that could shatter the world.

“I don’t believe that!” Clarke exclaimed with a fierceness that could put all the pieces back together.

“You will excuse me when I say that what you believe in is the least of my concerns” Indra noted in a tone that was not even trying to be excused. “Commander—“

“You told Octavia it’s good that Lexa and I will finally meet again” Clarke cut her off. “You told her it was good! Why?”

“So we can finally stop pretending that we are not in danger. We have let our guard down. Some of us more than others”

“Enough!” Lexa finally stood up. She offered her hand at Clarke and helped her up. “That will be all tonight, Indra. I asked for a history lesson. A bedtime story. I will have no discussions of war and politics and or theories and strategies here.”

Without saying a word, she left the three of them, not even bothering to spare Clarke a goodbye glance. Clarke gave Indra one last angry accusation before jogging after Lexa. She found Gustus first and asked where Lexa was. Gus pointed into the darkness. He was told not to follow the Commander.

Clarke growled at no one in particular before proceeding to try and find a certified stealth-mode specialist in the dark. She started scolding herself for ever expecting a romantic tale of star-crossed lovers transcending time and space. She was the only one dumb enough to actually believe she and Lexa are soulmates.

They are nothing more than newer versions of a love story that has failed over and over again.

They were a statistic. They are the base line for any case study on whether or not high profile relationships between two prominent people living on the opposite sides of the continent can work out.

They were a warning. A signal for worst things to come.

They were a cycle of heartaches and tragedy.

Clarke stopped walking around. She felt sick. She cannot believe her thoughts. She cannot believe Indra. She cannot believe that something as special as how she feels for Lexa is just another casualty of history. They cannot be casualties. She cannot think of Lexa as a casualty. This world and history should remember Lexa for what she is --  a leader, a hero.

Lexa deserves better.

Hell, they deserve better.

And she knows it too. She can feel it. Not the history of it all. Not some distant or borrowed memory. Not some hunch. She just knows it. Her. The Clarke that is here in the present and not some version of herself in the past. She knows it. She knows they deserve better than what has already been written. They can write their own story. They can write their own ending.

And who says there has to be an ending?

Lexa is not one for endings. Clarke can’t see it. Lexa is eternal, someone who belongs in the stars – to shine for eons.

Someone who only comes once in a lifetime.

_Once in a lifetime._

Clarke felt sick again. How many times in the past has she thought of this? Did all of her past lives go through hurling their hearts out because she was a step away from doing just that.

“Clarke!”

Clarke spun around and found Anya rushing towards her, out of breath.

“Don’t go off in the dark on your own!” Anya scolded her. She reached over and examined Clarke from head to toe.

“I’m looking for Lexa”

“Take your guards with you!” Anya continued to yell. “We train our scouts here for a reason – the danger is real! There are a lot of bandits here! What if you were kidnapped?!”

Clarke shrugged, “You already secured the place.”

“That is not the point! I don’t think you understand what would happen if you got kidnapped—“

“The Chancellor does not negotiate with terrorists, don’t worr—“

“Lexa would have all of our heads – literally!” Anya shook her shoulders. “Well, after we launch a rescue mission but whether you are dead or alive, she would have all of our heads and can you imagine what kind of international crisis that is? Not to mention, how the rest of Polis would react? The Commander killing her entire Council over a foreign girl?! She would be ruined in more ways than one!”

Clarke huffed a little. She has had a variation of this speech before. She tried to apologize but didn’t think it would do either of them any good. So she just nodded, an acknowledgment that she knows all of this but not necessarily saying she agrees. Or that she would stop looking for Lexa in the dark.

“Look… I have something to say” Anya said when she had calmed down.

“You’re not here to look for Lexa?”

“She already knows what I have to say. And I’m pretty sure Gus has got it covered”

Clarke nodded. She walked towards a boulder about 10 feet high and leaned on it. If she were to hear worse news and worse stories, she needs something to help her stand.

“Indra doesn’t like my version of these legends” Anya started.

Clarke could barely see her face. She can only make out the parts the shadowy moon would kiss but Clarke could tell that there may be a bit of resentment there.

“She has her reasons” Anya continued. “And I have my own. I have reasons why I think it is best you know this.”

“What would your reasons be?”

“Well. Just one. Lexa”

Clarke sighed in the dark.

“Okay…”

“Before she was Commander, she was already my friend. I do not know how it is to a have a sister. But as I watched her grow into who she is now, I feel like she is the closest thing I have to one. I keep her safe. I keep her alive. I make sure her affairs are in order. I make sure her legacy will be intact. This has always been my job. I am very good at my job. There is nothing in this world I would not do for her, do you understand me?”

“Yes” Clarke answered, thankful that the dark is hiding her very confused face. She already knows all of this. Anyone who watched Lexa and Anya would know that there is a bond there that runs deeper than blood.

“There is, however, something that I cannot do. I cannot make her happy. I cannot make her feel” Anya said. “You can. You do.”

“Yes…” Clarke acknowledged once more, this time less confused.

“Therefore you should know that you and her – you are real. I know you are. You are backed by history. You are history. You color history. You are more than just the tragedies Indra paint you out to be. There is more with what is going on between the two of you than just an omen” Anya explained, her voice excited and raging with passion. “Do you hear me? You are not just an omen”

Clarke scoffed. “But we are an omen, aren’t we? Something bad is coming.”

“Something bad was already coming! That’s why--- why--- The point is—“

“That’s why you had my father build you a nuclear bomb?”

Clarke heard Anya shift her weight. The rocky surface of the riverbed does have its advantages even to an untrained person like Clarke.

“You don’t have to admit it or deny it or whatever” Clarke said. “That’s between me and my mother. And Lexa and my mother. Please finish what you came to say.”

“You’re not just an omen, Clarke” Anya repeated, her voice much calmer now, with relief colouring it. There is a passionate conviction on the tip of her tongue that makes Clarke want to believe whatever she was sprouting too. “I’m not even sure you are an omen at all. Like I said, something bad was already coming. You and her meeting – again, after all this time? You are the good in a world that grows more evil by the day. You have survived tougher odds than what you face today.”

“The Cold Mountains may not hold, people behind it hates us,  Indra hates me, there is no way my mother would be down with me probably dating Lexa, the world’s eyes are on us, an obvious cultural difference separates us, and the fact that Lexa doesn’t even believe in soulmates – how much tougher did our past lives have it?”

Anya laughed at her.

“When you put it like that, it is a steep climb.”

“But?”

“But you have survived death. You have survived centuries. You have survived losing each other before, why would you not want to try life now?”

Clarke decided to channel Lexa’s mentality and just point out the obvious.

“Anya, how are you so sure this reincarnation thing is real?”

Anya paused for a while before Clarke felt her move closer to her. A second later, they were shoulder to shoulder leaning on the boulder.

“I come from a long-line of historians, if you will. We keep the records that are not…recorded.”

“Then how come Indra knows more than you?”

“Oh, she doesn’t” Anya chuckled. “She just knows another side. Another story. Not more, not less. Trust me, Clarke. I have seen your stories. I have seen your love. You have beaten tougher odds.”

“Like what? I just… You have to understand I am not working with a lot here. I feel like I know Lexa. I thought it was an instant connection. A spark. Love at first sight. I don’t know. A recognition. I just know her---and then I found myself wanting to know her. And now I’m learning that I know her. I’m torn between feeling like we are something special and feeling like we are just borrowed memories from a forgotten time” Clarke ranted, not at all worried that Anya would call her a whiner.

Anya didn’t. Instead Clarke could feel her nodding in the dark.

“That’s exactly why it’s real” she whispered. “You always remember. You remember her. You know her. That’s because your soul already does know her. Did you know that in one of your lives, you couldn’t stand each other? And in another, you were inseparable? In one you were together for years? In one for less than two days? It didn’t matter, Clarke – battlefield, schools, tribes, hospitals, friends, enemies, allies, rivals – it didn’t matter where you were or who you were to each other. You find each other. You keep finding each other. You built her monuments and she named stars after you.”

“How is there no proof then--?”

“Really? Because your library door is not adorned with carvings of an ancient language telling of your love story? Or your father’s journals? The ones handed down to him? I can tell you right now that the entrance of Lexa’s office has this arch that contains all of your past names. She doesn’t know it of course but she’s seen all of your names”

“Anya—“

“And you remember, Clarke! You remember the tree house! Who do you think built it? Lexa didn’t just stumble upon it. Part of her must have remembered to go there too.”

Clarke thought back to Lexa’s unusual interest in that painting and the night that Lexa told her the actual place existed.

“Who built it?”

“One of your past lives needed a getaway” Anya said simply. “Somewhere still close to Polis but far away enough that you can rest from your obligations to the world. To your people.”

Clarke nodded. She didn’t know if she believes her. But what else did she have to fight with? She knew for a fact it was exhausting to fight with your destiny.

It is consuming to fight your past.

“What now then?”

“I don’t know” Anya answered honestly. “I just know that I should not let you go on thinking that you and her are doomed. You cannot be. The worst thing you are is a product of poor timing. Finding each other at times where it is easy to be torn apart”

“Cause that makes me feel better”

“You saved her once before, you know” Anya kept talking like she didn’t hear the sarcastic comment. “From drowning. It’s one of my favourite stories. It was around these rivers. Before they earned a reputation of nasty criminals and unfortunate accidents due to very unpredictable currents. Everyone thought she knows how to swim. But somehow you knew that she has this fear of rushing current and always panics.”

“Wait, does Lexa--?”

“Point is, you saved her. You weren’t even anything then, I think. I could have the facts mixed but you saved her because that version of you also knew. The same thing you knew back at the cave.”

“I cannot not save her. I can’t let her die” Clarke’s declaration of what she knows to be true resonated like an oath. Her personal oath. One she intends to take to her grave.

Anya patted her on the shoulder before walking away.

“Wait—“ Clarke called out. “Did we ever have a happy ending?”

She could hear the hesitation in the dark.

“You know that gem you are wearing? The one she gave you?”

Clarke’s hand automatically went up to touch the pendant.

“What about it?”

“Your happy ending” Anya’s voice danced in the night. “It is a story best told by Lexa”

“You’re leaving me here?!” Clarke called out to her, in panic.

“50 meters ahead of you” Anya’s distant voice replied. “You should find what you always find”

Clarke grumbled all the way to where she could see an outline of Lexa sitting on top of another gigantic boulder. She could see her clearer than anything in the night. The moon was basically a spotlight on her. Lexa was throwing smaller rocks at the stray stream of water that had separated from the bigger and main route of the Angry Rivers.

Clarke knew she heard her approaching. There was nothing quiet about her trudging through rocks and muttering her feelings away. But Lexa didn’t look down. She didn’t even say anything. She just stared out at the river, absentmindedly throwing rocks as the calmer stream.

“Everything alright up there?” Clarke called up to her. She tried to calculate if there was enough space to sit next to Lexa but realized she might not even know how to get up there.

“What are you doing walking alone in the dark, Clarke?” Lexa asked her in that you-need-an-army-to-keep-you-safe voice.

“Well if you stayed put, I wouldn’t have had to” Clarke teased. “Wanna join me down here?”

She heard Lexa sigh.

“Or not. You know, a world leader should not be wandering around here alone either. These are called the Angry Rivers for a reason”

She heard Lexa scoff. “What might have made them upset?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “We need to work on your jokes, Commander”

“Do we?”

“Well, it’s either that or we discuss millennia’s worth of disagreements and fights and you know I will say they were all your fault”

It was a flat tease but it did the trick. She swore she saw Lexa’s trademark smirk.

“And I would remind you that I won all of the arguments in the past millennia”

“I’m pretty sure I won half”

Lexa didn’t say anything to that. She just threw a bigger piece of rock at the water where it made a loud splash.

“I let you win” she finally said.

Clarke nodded, forgetting Lexa can’t see her. She cleared her throat, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest” Clarke admitted.

Lexa gave a soft grunt and continued throwing rocks without saying anything else. Clarke realized she didn’t want to talk about what Indra told them. She certainly didn’t want to talk about what Anya told her. Lexa already knows and didn’t tell her. There must be a reason for that. Whatever it was, she could find out on some other night. Tonight, their quota for the unexplainable has been reached.

“Will you please get down here? You’re seriously disturbing the peaceful waters of the stream”

She heard Lexa sigh once more before she saw her outline jump and land on the uneven and very rough surface with all the grace of a ninja and ballerina’s lovechild.

Seriously? The world still is not done being unfair?

“I do not like it when things are too peaceful” Lexa said, slowly approaching her.

Clarke sought out her eyes. They were now facing each other, about one step apart and all Clarke could think about is that she didn’t need lifetimes. She didn’t need proof. She didn’t need history. Whatever it is the have right here, the world will just have to wait and see. They were not characters in someone’s bedtime stories. They were not lessons to be learned in history class. They were not set in stone. They are not just omens.

“How are you?” she whispered to Lexa, gently placing a hand to cradle the side of Lexa’s face.

“I don’t like it when it’s too quiet” Lexa whispered back.

“Why?”

“Voices in my head”

“Hmm”

Clarke wanted to ask if the voices were the same as the memories she had in her own head. The ones she can’t shake herself from. The ones telling her she can trust Lexa, to keep Lexa safe…to love Lexa. As if she needed to be told. She wanted to know if Lexa’s past lives have a way of making their memories felt too. But something about the way Lexa surrendered the façade she had on since they arrived at camp made her realize that it wasn’t a soul thing.

It was a present thing. And even if it was a past life issue, the memories would not be the same as hers. Lexa would have lived a different life. Lexa is living a different life. Their demons would not sound the same.

“Peaceful is good” she continued to whisper gently, hoping she came off as both supportive and comforting. “You can shut the voices out…”

Lexa leaned the side of her face deeper into Clarke’s palm.

“Not when it is this silent.”

“Can we try something?”

Lexa hummed an uncertain yes.

Clarke covered both of Lexa’s ears with her hands.

“Can you hear me?” she asked her.

Lexa nodded.

“Can you hear anything else?” Clarke whispered as she brought her face closer to Lexa’s.

“No…”

Clarke pressed their foreheads together. They stayed silent. She kept Lexa’s ears covered as tightly as she could. Lexa didn’t move for a while until they both heard it.

A break from the distance.

A first note of a song you know you would love.

Lexa placed her hands on Clarke’s hips and Clarke could feel they were cold.

“It’s okay” she whispered to her.

Then in the silence they both heard it again. Clarke swore they heard it at the same time.

A cry from the distance.

A wheel finally set in motion.

They stayed still for the longest time. Clarke lost count of their heartbeats. Lexa held her and she allowed herself to be held. She wanted to hear the voices in Lexa’s head. She wanted to know what the voices were – memories, a conscience , an inner debate? And if they just stay still and silent and unmoving long enough, if they stand there close enough, she is sure she could hear them.

And if the world stood still long enough, Clarke could make Lexa hear all of her thoughts too.

If the world stood still long enough, she could make Lexa know that she is not afraid even if they were an omen. That it doesn’t matter to her if reincarnation is real or not. That she doesn’t care about the odds.

If the world stood still long enough, she could make Lexa know that all the borrowed memories are good but everything about her in the present wants to make even better ones with Lexa. Only with Lexa. This Lexa. What she wants is the Lexa that is in front of her now.

If the world stood still long enough, she could make Lexa know that she can be brave enough to keep her alive. That she cannot – ever – not save her. She will. Every. Damn. Time.

If the world stood still long enough, she could make Lexa know that they will probably never be on the same page when it comes to politics or governance, but they have a lifetime to sort that out.

If the world stood still long enough, she could make Lexa know everything they both could not say.

She loves her.

She has always known it. Nobody falls for anybody as fast as she did. But so what?

Shouldn’t that be explanation enough?

Clarke does not know how that would affect their future. She does not know if it really is her destiny to love the Commander of Blood. She does not know if she is merely fulfilling a promise from the past. She does not even know if there is a future to be had here. They certainly do not have the past going for them.

Guess, they will just have to wait and see.

**_For now, the world can just stand still long enough to know what she believes to be the only truth that matters – she is, by fate and by choice, Lexa’s._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter is too long. I apologize, I had to put all of that in there because I am unsure when I the next time I might update. I look forward to hearing comments or questions as always.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	8. Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can she tell her?  
> How will she do it?  
> How will she keep her alive and keep her promise at the same time?  
> How will she keep her at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There are graphic but minimal mentions of violence and hints at torture.

(Lexa’s POV)

 

Lexa never fell asleep completely.

It was impossible to fall asleep after everything that has happened. Learning of the legend’s entirety, talking with Clarke at the river…spending the night with Clarke? Who would ever sleep?

She looked to her side and smiled to herself. Clarke didn’t have any problems falling asleep. She practically fell asleep mid-conversation. Lexa played back last night’s scene in her head for the nth time.

Clarke had held her until she finally broke her silence and resolve. She told her that she envied Clarke’s connection to their past life. She told her she knew there was something between them and she was constantly intrigued about what it was. But she does not remember. She could not. She does not have whatever memories Clarke has.

Clarke told her it was okay. She does not have to remember.

But she feels like she should.

Clarke just covered her ears again, whispering that it was okay. That was when Lexa told her about the voices. She told her the voices never leave. She said it wasn’t memories of another life. She said it was the voices of this life. The one she’s living now. Voices of people she has killed. Voices of decisions she had done wrong.

Voices haunting her.

At first Clarke didn’t say anything.

“You can let go, if you want” Lexa had told her.

She didn’t just mean Clarke holding and covering her ears now. She meant all of it. She was telling Clarke to let of her. Of them. Of all the lives behind them and all the expectations they bring.

It was the best thing to do. As much as it would kill her, she knew that it was in Clarke’s best interest to step away now. She knows that whatever happens, she would protect her. She would give everything for her. But she cannot live in a world where Clarke would have to do the same. She will not allow her.

As soon as she thought that she saw the very thing that made her fall in love with Clarke.

Clarke is not one you can allow or disallow to do anything. Even when she fails to see it right now, she will soon realize what Lexa has always known – Clarke is her own person. She is not just her mother’s daughter or her father’s legacy. She is not just a failed reminder of a past that would not rest or a memory of ghosts who cannot seem to leave this life.

She was not even Lexa’s to keep or to lose.

She is Clarke and she will make up her own damn mind.

“No” she had told Lexa fiercely. She pulled Lexa closer like she knew what letting go would mean. “I’m not going anywhere”

Lexa held her breath as she took in the beauty that is Clarke. She had always found her beautiful from the moment they met. She may not have memories or flashbacks like the ones Clarke has but she knows she has always found her beautiful. In every lifetime.

But more than that, more than the blue eyes and the lips she so wanted to kiss right now and even just Clarke’s entire body, she is just a sight to behold when she sets her mind to something. When she speaks her mind against the odds, she is a force. Breath-taking. Glorious.

Like she belongs with the stars and Lexa could stare up in the heavens all nights.

“It seems even if you did” Lexa could hear her own whispers. “I would find you anyway.”

“And I would wait for you” Clarke replied, dropping her hands and hugging Lexa.

Lexa raised an arm and half-hugged her. She did not know where the hesitation was coming from but part of her fought against holding all of Clarke. It could have been fear or out of habit to always keep one arm at ready to defend herself. But how does she defend herself from Clarke who has almost entirely consumed her now? So she slowly raised her free arm and gave in to the hug.

She held her. All of her.

And the world did not crumble.

She ran her hands up and down Clarke’s back, memorizing every bit of it before slowly pulling away from the hug. She sought out Clarke’s eyes before reaching for her chin. She completely could not hear anything now. Her ears were free from Clarke’s hands but she could not hear a thing. There were no rushing water or cackling flame or even the swooshing of the wind. There was nothing. She could not hear her heart nor Clarke’s and if she were concerned for anything other than what she was about to do, she might have worried about the fact that she could not even hear her own breathing.

Lexa’s world had come to a halt in front of the girl she knew she could never take home.

Maybe that was the thought that made her hesitate before leaning to finally taste the lips of her dreams. Whatever caused the split-second, she regretted it because while it was the thinnest of airs separating their lips, as fate would have it, they just would not meet.

She heard herself softly roar and the sanctuary of a world standing still was gone.

She heard Clarke chuckle a little.

“Damn it” Lexa muttered through the gritted teeth before dropping her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. She looked behind Clarke to see the outline in the dark. “What is it, Gustus?!”

“Indra sent for you, Commander” Gus’s voice from the dark responded. “Should I tell her you are busy?”

“Funny how you can see that but interrupted anyway” Lexa called out, making Clarke laugh. “Go away, Gus”

They both stood there, still holding each other, as they listened to Gustus’s footsteps fade away. Lexa counted the number of footsteps and sighed, knowing that he was still within viewing and hearing distance. She would have yelled at him again too if it weren’t for Clarke tugging her shirt for attention.

“It’s okay” Clarke said smiling. “He’s keeping you safe. I like him around”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.

“Well. Not too around” Clarke admitted, chuckling again.

“I have a confession” Lexa said. She knew the moment has passed and was sure she didn’t have the courage to try and kiss her again. So she took her hand and led her back closer the river. They sat on a flat rock just by its edge and dipped her feet in the water.

“You do realize you have waterproof boots, right?” Clarke asked her.

“That’s why” she replied with a smirk, eyeing Clarke taking off her own shoes to dip her feet in the river as well. “You’ll get cold”

“I have a feeling I won’t” Clarke reply was too sly to come from a face belonging to an angel. “What was your confession?”

“Ah. I may not have tiny memories but I did dream of you once. And it did not feel like a dream. It was too real. It was as if it has happened before”

She braced herself for any sort of reaction from Clarke but it didn’t seem to have the impact she thought it would.

“Just once?” Clarke teased her. “I dream of you every night”

“You said you did not get enough sleep last nigh”

“Well, who said dreams only happened when you’re asleep?”

Lexa frowned and thought about it. She heard Clarke snort beside her and realized she missed a joke. She still did not know what it was but decided against asking about it. She scooped a handful of water with both her hands and without warning splashed all of it on Clarke’s face. She laughed when Clarke just froze on the spot, face dripping with cold river water and was apparently caught so off-guard that she was speechless.

“You have no reflexes” Lexa laughed at her some more.

“It’s freezing!” Clarke finally cried out.

She stood up and pushed Lexa into the water, not realizing that Lexa was actually prepared. Soon enough they were both kneeling on the river floor, soaked and laughing at each other while simultaneously trying not to freeze.

“Hey” Lexa called out to her when she realized they had floated into a deeper part of the river. “Come here”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know how to swim” Clarke managed to choke between shivering and wading towards her.

“Who told you that?”

“No one. It was a joke”

Lexa could tell that it wasn’t. From under the water, she could feel Clarke’s hands looking for hers. She met them – an almost automatic response from her now. She wondered like she did earlier. Maybe she does not have real or vivid memories. What if she has muscle memory coordinated with Clarke? Maybe it was muscle memory to reach for her, to hold her, to dance with her…to go to bed with her. To want to protect her. To give her life for her.

No.

It is a choice. One she knows she will make over and over again. In this lifetime. Or in the next.

Lexa shook those thoughts away as quickly as Clarke pulled her close. She can feel her shivering now so Lexa pressed her body against her hoping for their body heat would help.

“You’re shaking” Lexa whispered into her ear as they assumed a position they have both grown accustomed to. Clarke hummed as she laid her head on Lexa’s shoulders. “Clarke…”

“If it’s something upsetting, please don’t say it” Clarke warned her.

“I want to kiss you”

Lexa felt Clarke’s whole body fight off the shivers and for a swift moment, she stopped shaking. Her hands around Lexa’s neck froze on the spot and she said something Lexa could not hear. She tried to pull her head away so she could ask her what she said but Clarke held her in place.

“What?” she asked her. “Clarke?”

“Okay” Clarke whispered back to her.

Lexa finally pulled away so she could look at Clarke’s face. She found herself getting more knocked out by her beauty than by any force of nature causing them both to either be getting hypothermia or pneumonia. She saw her own hand shaking as it caressed Clarke’s cheek, now pink from both blushing and from the cold. She smirked at all the misplaced bundles of hair sticking to the sides of her face like they were framing a piece of art.

That is what Clarke is – a piece of art. Priceless. Majestic. She could stare at her for the rest of her life and not worry about the world ending.

Lexa tilted her head to the side, finally feeling the blood from her chest rush to every part of her body. This time, the world did not go quiet. She could hear drums and fireworks from within. She could feel a storm raging as Clarke pulled the back of her neck gently. She closed her eyes almost at the same time Clarke did. She did not see darkness but as she felt Clarke’s breath on her lips, she swore she saw the sun in all its heavenly glory.

One heartbeat.

One heartbeat to Clarke’s lips.

“Commander!”

The fireworks ceased. The drums silenced. Clarke’s fingers clawed down her back in a frustration she shared. Lexa swore under her breath, drawing a snort from the girl she has yet again failed to kiss. Has it always been this hard to kiss a girl? It has been a while since she has done so but she could still remember. Kisses felt like swords swinging and bullets flying. They were harder to dodge than to plant.

Surely, their past lives must have had a much easier time finding each other’s lips. Lexa swore again as Clarke drop her head on her shoulder, chuckling at the tirade of soft curses she was throwing into the night. Their intertwined fingers dropped to both their sides, back under the cold water.

 “Commander!”

The kiss was not happening tonight.

“In the river, Gustus!” Lexa called back.

“We should head back, Commander! Reports of bandit movement have been radioed in!”

“I hate bandits” Clarke muttered with one last laugh before pulling her back towards dry land.

“I hate Gus” Lexa muttered back.

“Pretty sure I hate him more”

“He does have the second hardest job in Polis” Lexa said as they watched Gus’s outline in the dark turn his back on them.

It was much colder out of the water and since Gus had not towels with him, he said he would run back to camp ahead of them to fetch the things they needed. Lexa was in no hurry. She held Clarke’s hand all throughout the way and they walked as slow as they could. It was cheating. She knew it. They were both going to get sick at this rate – Clarke more than her – but she knew that things would be different once they make it back to her tent.

Her tent.

She just assumed they would stay at her tent.

Anya would lose it. Indra might combust.

She smirked at those images.

Clarke tugged at her hand wondering what was the smirk for. She shrugged at her and rubbed her hand with both of her own.

“We need to get you warmed up” she said.

“Second hardest job? Which is what?”

“To keep me alive” Lexa answered simply, making Clarke frown.

“And the first would be your job, yes? I cannot begin to imagine how to run a country”

Lexa shook her head. “Hardest job in Polis belongs to Anya”

“To take over if something—something—unimaginable happens to you?”

“To kill me before it does.”

Clarke stopped walking, her grasp on Lexa’s hand tightening.

Lexa eyed her gently.

“I did not mean to scare you”

“Can you do me a favour?” Clarke asked, sniffing.

Lexa wondered if the cold was getting to her more viciously than she had anticipated or if she was fighting back tears. She studied her eyes and found them dry so she nodded, aware of the fact that Clarke is almost as good as she is with on-the-spot concealment of true feelings.

“Don’t die before me?”

Lexa scoffed.

“You who needs an army? It should not be a problem, Clarke” she pulled Clarke to continue walking but she didn’t move from her spot. “What is it now?”

“You always died first”

Lexa felt Clarke’s whisper echo in the dark, bouncing from one side of the canyon to another. She didn’t know how to address it. She knows fear when she hears it. It was like blood in the water and she was a shark. She would recognize it anywhere. She preys on it.

Fear.

Clarke feared for her.

She tried not to think about the reasons why. She knows it would be different from Anya’s or Indra’s reason. She wanted to like the idea that Clarke feared for her but she could not.

It complicates matters more than they already are.

Lexa sighed and pulled Clarke’s hand to her chest. She kissed her knuckles before tilting her head towards the direction of camp. Clarke finally nodded and they walked in silence once more, both very aware that Lexa never agreed to the “favour” asked of her.

Camp was dark when they got back. Light was coming from her tent, of which Gus came out from carrying two sets of dry towels and a bag of spare clothes. The other tents were dark and the only other light was from the portable lifeguard-style tower the night-shift soldiers stayed in. Anya’s tent had its lights out and Lexa remembered Indra was staying on the other side of the camp.

“Stand guard a few paces North” she ordered the two soldiers posted at the entrance of her tent. She turned to Clarke. “Did you already make your bed?”

“No” Clarke grimaced nervously, not unlike a child who forgot to do her homework. “I was meaning to but—“

“Good”

“Good?”

Lexa hid a smile as she unzipped her tent and stepped aside. She gestured for Clarke to walk in first and finally beamed when she saw the comprehension in Clarke’s face. She was inviting her to stay and while Clarke didn’t exactly say yes, the minute she started taking off her shoes and shirt, Lexa knew the invitation was accepted.

She turned her back when Clarke has stripped down to her underwear and tried to focus on removing her own gear. The light from the lamp on her table started to flicker on and off and before completely getting dressed, she took out two candles from a trunk under the table. She lit them and turned off the lamp in time to see Clarke’s silhouette from behind the curtain separating the work area of her tent from her bed.

She flash backed to her first ever dream of Clarke. Same perfect silhouette. Only that was not standing in front of her but on top of her. It was not a memory. She is still sure it was not a memory. It could have been a premonition. It was too real and too familiar and too certain to occur.

Clarke peeped from behind the curtain at her. She saw her eyes travel from her face down to her chest and her stomach. She saw the hitch in Clarke’s breath.

“Sorry” she said, reaching for the towel next to her. “Are you done?”

“Changing or…?” Clarke asked, eyes still on her body.

“See something you like, Miss Griffin?” Lexa teased without any hint of humor on her face and voice.

Clarke rolled her eyes at her and Lexa let the moment slide. She pulled a tank top over her head and joined Clarke behind the curtain. She eyed the cot. It was not exactly meant for two.

“Take the bed. I have a spare sleeping bag” Lexa said.

She moved to get her pack but Clarke grabbed her hand. She didn’t have to say anything. She knew. She understood. She laid down the cot first and it was only when Clarke laid next to her that she realized how tired she was. It has been a long day. It has been one hell of a day and she knew as Clarke chose to rest her head on her arms instead of the lone pillow that it was going to be a longer life.

It _has_ to be a longer life.

Lexa has very limited days left in Arkadia and she has so much work left to be done. But tonight, she has Clarke in her arms and in her bed and she could not imagine nights differently now. She could not imagine living a life where the days would not end like this.

“What are you thinking?” Clarke whispered at her.

“Your skin is cold” Lexa answered. She pulled the covers tighter around them. “Your new shirt is damp from your hair.”

“Oh”

Clarke had sat up, pulled her hair into a messy bun before taking off the shirt. She laid back down on her side with nothing but her sports bra, head fitting perfectly on Lexa’s waiting arm. Lexa exhaled nervously as Clarke started to drift in and out of sleep, face looking up at her.

Lexa did not know what to do, really. She knew what she wanted to do but knew that she should not. She can tell Clarke was fighting off sleep just as she had that morning. She can also tell that one wrong slip or flick of her head, she could “accidentally” kiss her. She did not want that. Kiss her, yes. Accidentally, no. Evidently, the night has decided for them. It was not happening.

Lexa relaxed the arm holding Clarke and her hand rubbed Clarke’s back under the covers. She laid of her back, stared up the ceiling of the tent, watching as the shadows from the items in the room fade. The candles were dying and Clarke’s breath was starting to even out. Slowly, she felt Clarke shift in the dark, arm reaching over Lexa’s body and resting gently on her stomach while her head nestled in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

Lexa smiled every time Clarke’s breath kissed her neck.

“Clarke?” she whispered in the dark.

“Hmm?”

“When we go back, things might be different”

Lexa felt the levelled breathing stop for a few heartbeats.

“I know” Clarke finally whispered back.

“I do not want them to be”

“I know that.”

Lexa closed her eyes and took a slow deep breath. She felt Clarke hug her tighter. She kissed the top of her head.

“You asked my dad to make you a bomb, didn’t you?” Clarke slurred.

Lexa hesitated. She was reminded of her promises to the Chancellor. She wondered if her choices at that meeting were for the best in the long run. She was sure. She still is sure. She is just currently being hit by the reality that her long-run plans now did not only contain warfare and political conditions. Her future considerations now included Clarke.

But how far into the future is she allowed to take Clarke? Is she allowed at all?

She is the Commander of Blood. Why does she need anyone to allow her to take anyone to anywhere? She knows the answer. She did not like it. She was going to have to figure that out. She has been in worse situations. This was not the first stalemate she found herself in. And if she managed to survive the last one, she will find a way through this.

This. The stakes have never been higher.

“You don’t have to worry about those kinds of things…” she assured Clarke.

“You will worry for me? Or my mother will worry for me?” Clarke’s tone was challenging. She might be halfway to sleep now but she still had a fight in her. “I’m against bombings of any kind, you know. No matter how justified. I’d oppose it. The bomb. The transfer of its ownership. You.”

“I know”

“I don’t have to authority to but I’ll find a way” Clarke’s sleepy promise escaped her lips. “Bombs ruin lives, you know. And opinions over them destroy relationships. I hope for a way it won’t ruin ours.”

Lexa nodded and kissed the top of her head once again.

This is going to be the hardest stalemate of all.

Clarke fell silent again.

“I will do everything in my power to protect you” Lexa told her.

“I know” Clarke smiled as she nuzzled her nose at her neck.

“I don’t believe the legend” Lexa said hesitantly. “But I believe this. You and I.”

“I know that too” Clarke’s voice was barely audible now. She was about to lose out to sleep and Lexa allowed her to.

It already was a luxury to be holding her. Once or twice that night, Clarke would quiver. If it was from the cold or from an unpleasant dream, Lexa didn’t know. She would pull her closer and Clarke would hug her tighter. Once or twice Lexa would fall asleep as well. No more than five to ten minutes before waking herself up just to be sure that she really was in bed with woman who had waken and stirred her whole being.

She was in bed with Clarke.

She was sleeping with Clarke.

It was not as it sounded – far from it. But it was a reality tonight. It was their reality and it was something no one could ruin or take away. It was not much but for now, it was all they had and it was a victory. It was a victory in a world who would otherwise disapprove. It was victory in what seem would be a harsh future dictated by a harsher past. It was victory in a life spent in warzones and strategy meetings fighting to survive but never really learning how to live.

Tonight was theirs.

Lexa settled down after making the same conclusion for what feels like the hundredth time. She closed her eyes, hoping for another ten minutes of sleep. Somehow between that last thought and the start of a day outside the tent, Clarke had pushed down the covers so Lexa woke up to a cool breeze absent inside the tent from the night before. She ran a hand gently up and down Clarke’s back and decided to leave the covers off before checking for the time.

She tried to sit up but before she could, she saw Anya standing in the opening of her tent, eyes blazing with alarm. She watched her zip up the tent behind her and walk nearer the cot, arms waving frantically, demanding an explanation for the site.

Lexa raised an eyebrow, momentarily forgetting what Anya was looking at. She was holding a half-naked Clarke in her bed. Clarke still had her arms wound comfortably around her torso, face partially attached to her neck, while Lexa’s hand had opportunely rested just above her bum.

Lexa cleared her throat softly. Clarke stirred but didn’t wake up. She simply snuggled closer to Lexa.

“What?” Anya mouthed at Lexa, pointing at Clarke. “Commander!”

Lexa pressed a finger against her lips.

“She’s asleep” she whispered, pulling the covers over Clarke. She told herself it was because Anya’s entrance brought in the cold morning wind. If she were honest, she would admit that she didn’t like the way Anya’s eyes lingered on Clarke’s body.

“I can see that” Anya whispered back, more frantically. “Lexa! Half the camp has been looking for her when her guards found her tent empty! The other half has been trying to figure out how to tell you they lost your girlfriend!’

Lexa smirked awkwardly at the term.

“Or whatever she is” Anya amended. “What happened?”

Lexa gently sat up, pulling Clarke’s arm off of her. She immediately missed the touch. Her thoughts drifted towards her worries that night. She did not want to imagine it again. Falling asleep without Clarke. Waking up to anything other than having her next to her. She set Clarke gently on the pillow then got up from the cot, catching the jacket Anya tossed at her. She sighed as Anya grimaced at the sweatpants that were out of place, revealing most of her underwear.

“It’s not what you think” Lexa started, getting her clothes in order.

“You were asking about protocol just the other day!” Anya whisper-shouted.

“Yes—“

“Commander!”

Lexa rolled her eyes at the sight of Anya crumbling at a situation neither of them learned how to handle in military school.

“We did not actually do anything”

Anya let out a contained growl distinct with frustration and ridicule.

“You slept with the Chancellor’s daughter!”

“No. We did not really sleep—“

“Commander!”

“Anya, we fell asleep together. That is it”

“Naked? Half-naked?”

Lexa shrugged. “Well, she was wet—“

“Lexa!” Anya completely abandoned all hope of whispering through this conversation. Her raised volume earned her a reprimanding glare from Lexa and she quickly put herself back in place.

“It was not like that” Lexa said after checking if Clarke was still asleep.

The girl could sleep through a nuclear bombing.

“From the river. We were drying off here and we fell asleep” Lexa gave her a very edited but still truthful version of the night. “Do I need to explain myself further, Anya?”

Anya’s curt bow admitted defeat. Lexa still caught her eyes studying the candles and the wet clothes on the floor though.

“Tell the soldiers to stop searching for Clarke”

“Damage control before six in the morning. Just how I like it” Anya said.

“There is no damage here”

Anya’s lips gave a lopsided smile.

“I like her for you” she said. “I told you this”

Lexa ignored the comment as she started to change out of her sleeping attire and into a clean set of uniform. When she turned around and found Anya still there, eyeing Clarke cautiously, she felt compelled to ask for the catch in her previous statement.

“But what?”

“I might be alone in that sentiment”

“You’re dismissed, Anya” Lexa said quietly. She didn’t have to say it. They both heard the gratitude in her voice. Anya gave a low bow and exited the tent, leaving her to get dressed in peace.

Lexa was already placing her knives inside her boots when Clarke stirred awake. She watched her process her surroundings from where she was seated next to the cot. Clarke didn’t notice her at first. She secretly liked the fact that before Clarke bothered looking around, she saw her hands look for her in the empty space in the cot. When she could not find her that was when she sat up in a jolt.

“Good morning” Lexa said.

Clarke’s drowsy eyes struggled to focus at her. She smiled as she handed her a button-down shirt she found in the enormous backpack Anya hauled back in the tent five minutes ago. Clarke took it and yawned.

“You went through my stuff?” she asked as she put on whatever piece of clothing Lexa would hand her.

Lexa just sat on her chair, amused at how Clarke manages to function and get dress while half-asleep.

“I cannot possibly allow you to walk out of camp dressed like you were”

“I love how you think I was dressed” Clarke chuckled.

She stood up and walked over to Lexa, surprising her with a kiss on the cheek.

“Good morning” she said with a shy smile. “Where can I wash up a little bit?”

Lexa barely caught the last part of that greeting. She pointed at the far end of her tent where there was another curtain concealing an improvised bathroom.

“I will wait up the river”

“We’re leaving already?”

“I have a meeting this afternoon”

Lexa said that as level and as stoic as she usually does but something from last night certainly has changed between them enough for Clarke to be more attune to her than she usually is. It was funny to Lexa. She always felt this now infamous connection between them. She always felt like she could read Clarke’s thoughts and expressions without even trying and for the most part, she always felt that Clarke can see through her like no one else can. But after last night’s revelations and their newfound comfort and development in their relationship, it really feels like there is no barrier to hide from each other now.

All defenses were down.

Lexa knew Clarke was already processing the hidden tone in her statement.

“My mom’s Security Council?” she asked.

Lexa nodded.

“Well… Try not to bargain me away, Commander” she teased.

Lexa smiled weakly at her before repeating that she will wait outside. She waited until Clarke turned on the sink and started brushing her teeth before exiting the tent. Anya and Indra were waiting for her outside. Anya handed her two cups of coffee while Indra kept her focus on the tent.

“Get the cars ready” she told one of her soldiers. “Are the Chancellor’s daughter’s guards awake yet?”

“They have been up since three this morning” Anya said with a smirk. “Looking for her and all.”

Lexa held back a grin. She cleared her throat at Indra, who finally looked away from the tent. She listened to reports about the scouts as they walked towards the northern part of the river where there were kayaks waiting to take them across. They didn’t talk about last night. Clarke and her bodyguards joined them just as the sun was rising over the canyon. She greeted Indra and they exchanged the most awkward of pleasantries before inhaling the coffee she was offered.

“I will see you at the meeting, Indra” Lexa said just before they parted. “Safe travels”

“She’s not going back with us?” Clarke asked as one of her guards placed her in a lifejacket.

“Studying a different route” Lexa said. “And we’re taking a longer trip around the rivers as well.”

“Drier trip too” Clarke noted the kayaks. “Don’t want to carry to me on your back again?”

Lexa smiled at her but didn’t say anything. She just waited and gave escorted and help Clarke onto a kayak. She waved her hand at Anya who sat behind Clarke.

“You’re not riding with me?”

“Gus would feel lonely without her” Anya joked.

Lexa noticed the look the two of them shared. Anya has never shared it with anyone except her. She never dares attempt that with Indra or Gus. Or anyone within their circle. It seems it’s not only her relationship with Clarke that was altered overnight. Anya seems to have found herself a friend. Her second one in life.

They kayaked up river in silence. Lexa’s eyes would travel from one edge of the canyon to another and once in a while at Clarke. She loves that she has yet to look at her once and not find her already staring. It was almost a half hour paddle to arrive near where their cars were parked yesterday. It was in an opposite direction from where they started their hike and instead of a long walk, they only have to course through a series of boulders resembling a bridge leading to the other side.

“Why didn’t we pass by here yesterday?” Clarke asked as they got ready to follow Gus leaping from one boulder to the next.

“I wanted to see all possible routes”

“Why?”

“Would you not want to know all possible ways to come and go?”

She did not wait for Clarke to answer. She simply gave her an encouraging nod before she turned and effortlessly made her way to the other side. She looked back at Clarke carefully feeling the stability of the boulders and when their eyes met, she smirked at her.

“Show off” Clarke muttered at her upon arrival.

Lexa chuckled and she could hear the shock coming from the soldier who heard her. She rolled her eyes, held Clarke’s and they walked back to their car. Once inside, she handed Clarke the pillow again, this time Clarke didn’t decline. She did not willingly sleep either. They went back to spitting one question after another, only stopping when Anya passed them two breakfast sandwiches. About an hour to the drive, Lexa noticed that the questions were growing less trivial and were dangerously approaching political. She wondered why Clarke shies away from her parents’ world. She truly seem a natural at it.

“Do you think you could be a Chancellor?” she asked when it was her turn to ask a question.

“No. Not my style” Clarke quickly answered.

“I think you would make a really good leader”

“I would not know the first thing to do in a crisis”

Lexa could read that Clarke was not talking about domestic or foreign policy.

“I did not say you do not have much to learn. Just that I think you would rise to the occasion.”

Clarke shrugged at her.

“Not my style”

“If you insist”

“My turn?”

Lexa nodded.

“Did my mom make you promise not to tell me about the bomb and my dad?”

As soon as she said it, Lexa saw lightning-fast reflexes from both Gus and Anya. Their eyes flickered at the rear view mirror to look at her. She ignored them.

“No”

“So why did you not tell me?”

“You have to realize that that is a different aspect of my life”

“I’m not asking as a politician’s daughter. I’m asking as…well—I’m asking as me, without the burden of having my parents’ name”

“Clarke—“

“I will find out whether you tell me or not. You know that, right?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.

“Then I suppose I do not have to tell you anything at all then” she said flatly.

She grew very impressed at how Clarke spent the next hour trying to trick her into slipping some information about the late Chancellor’s work. She would do well as a politician. She might even be smarter than her mother. She might even end up getting better deals than her mother. She lacked Abby’s gentle manner in approaching a topic but for that, she certainly makes up with an irresistible righteousness seeping through her words. It did not come off as hypocritical. Mostly, whenever she would express an opinion, it would just come off idealistic and with a touch of nobleness.

“What?” Clarke asked her with an annoyed look when Lexa was not fast enough to hide rolling her eyes. “You think I have no clue in international trade?”

“I think for a future doctor, you know too much” Lexa replied. “I also do not believe in imposing a mandatory peace talk period with known terrorist States.”

“That’s because you believe in blowing things up instead of fixing them”

Lexa rolled her eyes again.

“You could try to explain why you do what you do, you know” Clarke said when she did not answer. “Instead of just assuming you are right and we just have to live with the consequences of what your army does.”

“So far the only consequence the action of my army has caused you was to keep you alive” Lexa pointed out to her.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“And here I thought that was just destiny.”

They looked at each other and both burst out laughing. It should be a good sign that they can manage to laugh about last night. Lexa can still tell that Clarke will not stop thinking about it. She took her hand again and gave it a reassuring squeeze, aware that Gus and Anya were still taking turns watching them.

“I won’t see you for the rest of the day, will I?” Clarke asked her later on in the ride.

“No.”

“I don’t even know where the Security Council holds their meeting. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“I meet with your engineers in the morning. I am not sure how long that will last” Lexa thought about it. She realized unless she brings Clarke into all her meetings and appearances, they might not have enough time together before she leaves.

She has four days left in Arkadia.

That is not a lot of time to accomplish all that she should.

She was about bring this up with Clarke but she was already fighting a pout.

“What time do you need me?” Lexa asked instead. She could hear the inward groan from Anya.

“Late afternoon”

“I’m there” she promised.

Clarke fell asleep again just before they reached the city. It did not take long for her head to find comfort on Lexa’s shoulder. She stayed asleep until they entered the grounds of the Chancellor’s Mansion. Lexa would have allowed her to sleep some more until the very last minute when they have to leave the car but she spotted an unexpected welcome party.

“Your mom is waiting for us” she nudged Clarke. “With her entire security council, I suspect.”

Clarke jolted up. She stared at Lexa to see if she was joking and while Lexa looked amused at the reaction, it was obvious she was serious. They both directed their gaze out the tinted windows and sure enough, the Chancellor was waiting by the steps with a small group of uniformed men and women standing behind her.

Lexa heard Clarke sigh in defiance. She squeezed her hand as if asking her to give her mother a break but Clarke’s set her jaw in an almighty stubborn mode that not even the Commander of Blood would dare challenge. When the car stopped, they looked at each other, eyes dancing from one part of the other’s face to another. It was as if they both decided on the spot to memorize each other’s face.

As if they wouldn’t see each other again.

Lexa erased the thought from her mind. They will have tomorrow afternoon together. If this meeting goes her way, she will have enough time to worry about telling Clarke about the particular deal she made with the Chancellor. She was beginning to realize that Clarke would probably end up getting mad at her as well. She does not like to be spoken for without her consent.

“What are the chances you will let me in on what you decide on about the bomb?” Clarke asked her.

Lexa controlled her smile before kissing her on the cheek. She did not answer but gave Clarke’s hand one more squeeze before getting out of the car. She shook hands with the Chancellor and was about to do the same with the first person she was being introduced to when almost everyone there gasped. She watched as Abby’s eyes narrowed past her.

“Chancellor, I had thought you knew about our trip” Lexa interrupted whatever it was Abby was about to say.

“I did” Abby lied.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” Clarke brushed by her and barely acknowledged her mother as she went up the steps and disappeared inside the mansion.

Lexa watched her with a tenderness she knows everyone else who was watching them would not miss. Abby gave her an inviting nod and they walked side by side in silence until they reached an elevator. Abby asked if they could ride together. Alone. At Lexa’s approval, no one else questioned the request. As soon as the elevator doors closed, Abby dropped her Chancellor façade.

“She knows?”

“Yes.”

“All of it?”

“Yes.”

“You told her about the bomb?”

“I did not have to. If it makes you feel better, I never confirmed it with her”

Abby shook her head in disbelief.

“She cannot know”

“She already does, Chancellor.”

The doors opened and revealed a hallway of titanium walls. It almost felt like home to Lexa because she has a bunker that looks and feels a lot like this place where she holds her most private meetings as well. Abby led her to the lone door at the hall where she punched in a five-digit combination. Lexa smirked at how predictable this woman is down to her security code.

They sat on opposite ends of a 10-seat table. It was silence for them until the rest of their people arrived. Anya took her seat on Lexa’s right and Indra on her left. Two more of her trusted generals took theirs wordlessly. Abby re-introduced Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense as well as the head of her military staff and the head of Arkadia’s engineering.

Lexa barely said two words the at the first half of the meeting. She merely listened as Abby continues to reiterate the point that Arkadia needs to learn to defend itself. The alliance is a stronghold and it should remain as such. She was not saying she no longer trusted Polis or the Commander just that she would prefer her people stop relying on them. Her State Secretary Kane agrees with her except that he thinks the best way to do that is still to train with the soldiers from Polis or to send more cadets to Polis to study in their schools. And for the first time in six hours, Anya agrees with him. There is no need to rush any changes in any aspects of their relationship.

Not now.

As soon as Anya says those last two words, the Chancellor looked straight at Lexa.

“So it is true?”

Lexa turned to Indra and gave her a look of command to reveal what can be revealed to the council. Indra gave them a brief of a lengthy report she had given Lexa a few days ago. Intelligence claim that there has been movement beyond the Cold Mountains. And it’s fast and strong. Someone had alluded to the fact that someone had already breached Arkadia. Abby looked at her own general who later confirmed they had gotten the same report and were already investigating it. Indra said they should investigate from the highest positions first. That suggestion triggered a heated discourse and borderline accusations.

Indra was livid at how the Chancellor’s people is completely against doing a background check on their highest officials while they in turn are insulted at the mere thought of it. Secretary Pike all but accused Indra to be the spy. Lexa’s eyes flickered at Indra’s hand on her sidearm. She suspected one more moronic comment from the secretary would guarantee a shootout. And a war on top of the war that is already imminently brewing.

Not that they would lose a war against Arkadia. They would very easily eradicate its entire population. But that’s not why they are here.

Both Anya and Kane tried to pacify things, bringing logic and diplomacy into the table. Kane, more than Anya, but it was still a joint effort. Abby brought back the topic on whether or not they should act now and pre-empt whatever strike they might fall victims to. Indra agrees with her, Anya does not. Neither do their generals. At the end of another hour or two of heated arguments with everyone talking over another, Lexa raised her hand silencing her side of the table. She quirked her eyebrow at Abby.

“You want the bomb” she said coldly.

“Yes.”

“It is _my_ bomb”

“You will understand Commander if I cannot in good conscience give you full access to something that could eradicate all of my people. Not when I know what you have done in the past”

Lexa’s lips twitched, threatening a smirk. She had spent the better part of the meeting studying Abby’s mentality as well as her stand in all of the issues on the table. The Chancellor was firm on half of their discourse, and flexible on some. She had her people’s support for half, an obvious disagreement on others. The beauty of democracy, Lexa thought, is that you can easily weed out a weakness because everybody has a say and everybody never agrees on anything.

Kane is an ally. Pike is not. Abby will give her life for her people. She might have to if she continues on judging Lexa by what the world has painted her out to be. She cannot blame her of course. The best way to make sure her power and authority is never questioned nor challenged is to maintain fear on everyone outside her circle. Still, she was starting to admire Abby. Despite what Lexa deems as less than efficient routes to success, there was nothing in the Chancellor except a genuine love for her people and a respect for the office of which she serves.

As for the issue on the bomb, Lexa wonders if Abby is basing her decision on the same thing from which Clarke’s opinion on the matter arose.

“What is it exactly that I have done, Chancellor?” she asks without a trace of emotion.

“The last bomb you had in your possession was used to kill innocent people. An entire village” Abby replied. “A nuclear device would have a more devastating outcome. Why my husband chose to contract with you, Commander is beyond me but I cannot just hand it over to you knowing what it can do.”

Lexa met Anya’s eyes. She can tell Anya was losing her patience as well.

“Killing those people saved more” Lexa started. “Including your own. Those are the same rebels who would ransack your shipments of medical supplies across the continent. And that village was a usual stop where they get their weapons, machinery and ammunition. And it was where they beheaded three of my soldiers.”

“There were innocent lives there”

“Cost of war and price of victory” Lexa snapped. “You judge all the horrors of my decisions, Chancellor but they are the reason why you get to sleep soundly at night. And while we are on the topic of why your husband chose to build the very weapon you despise, might you consider that in this room, he might have been one of the three people who actually knew what is going on behind those mountains?”

“You do not speak for my late husband, Commander” Abby’s voice was calm but Lexa had never heard it filled with more emotion and unquestionable strength.

Lexa almost felt like Clarke was in the room. That resolve is identical. And unwavering.

“No. But his actions do” Lexa replied, mirroring the calmness. “So does the contract we signed.”

“Which does not exist.”

“Which you do not have” Lexa corrected. “What do you want for it? I was told yesterday that maybe I should learn to compromise.”

Abby’s eyes flared at her. Lexa’s response was of course carefully worded and very deliberate. She realizes that of the many weaknesses the Chancellor has, there is but one that they could find common ground on. A weakness they both share. A weakness they might never free themselves from. A weakness that could most certainly lead them both to their deaths.

Or give them another shot at life.

Clarke.

Abby does not like the insinuation. Lexa does not care.

“Toeing a very dangerous line, Commander”

“Does diplomacy not suit me? Would the table prefer aggression?”

“No.” Kane spoke up. “Commander, we appreciate the offer. I am sure we can come up with a compromise.”

Lexa watched as he and Abby exchanged a look that she and Anya had shared countless of times. If there was anyone around this table who can truly influence the Chancellor of Arkadia, it was him.

“If I give you the bomb, will you allow my people access to it?”

“No” Indra said quickly. “That is not part of the deal.”

“What kind of access?” Anya ignored her.

“I want some of my scientists and engineers physical access to it. To monitor it”

“Why would it need monitoring?”

“To make sure it will be used for what it was built. And only for that purpose.”

Lexa scoffed, surprising half the table. It was the first sign of any non-robotic response from her.

“You do not want access, Chancellor. You want a deal. That it will never be used against you and any of your other allies” Lexa said.

Abby pursed her lips at her. A standoff.

“Done” Lexa said, despite a disapproving glance from Indra and her generals. “Would a five-man team be enough to make you feel secure?”

“Five-man team?”

“You want access. I am giving you access. But the bomb travels to Polis with me. And so will your men.”

Abby shook her head. “A neutral territory—“

“There are no neutral territories in this world, Chancellor. They are illusions. Stop-overs. Or worse, they have no loyalties and the only thing worse than a traitor is one who never owed any allegiance to begin with” Lexa declared. “You can have your access and you can have your written contract for the use of the weapon. But I am not leaving Arkadia without my bomb.”

Abby sighed pointedly. She exchanged whispers with both Kane and Pike before nodding at Lexa.

“I will have the paperwork ready before you leave” she finally said.

She stared up at the clock and frowned. It was late and she missed dinner with her daughter. Lexa knew this because Clarke had told her how she and her mom makes it a point to have meals together. They apparently both have consequences for whichever one misses a meal.

“That is all for tonight” Lexa said. “Other concerns, I am sure Indra and Anya are more than capable of dealing with.”

Abby was torn between feeling slightly outraged and helplessly grateful. Lexa did not care which one she would eventually choose to feel. She stood up as soon as Abby did and moved towards the exit. Abby asked to ride with her in elevator alone again and so they did.

“May I speak candidly, Commander?”

“Have you not been doing that all this time?”

Abby smiled at her.

“I’m sure you think I disapprove of you and Clarke”

Lexa raised her eyebrows in surprise. Almost a 10-hour meeting about all that could probably alter the world and this is the statement that surprises her. The world, for all its glory and importance, cannot compete with Clarke.

“You would disapprove of anything that could harm her” Lexa replied. “If you think I am one those that might, then yes, I suppose I think you disapprove of us”

She let that word dance in around her tongue.

Us.

It might be a loose use of the word but she liked the idea of it. It was about as scary as world annihilation but she liked it.

“I don’t” Abby said and for the second time tonight, Lexa almost got knocked off her feet in surprise. “She is a strong young woman. She always has been. She is unwavering in her convictions and she cares deeply. She was just never the type to be particularly good at showing it. And she hardly ever lets people in. And as opinionated as she is, she never does anything about her opinions. She never puts herself out there.”

Lexa blinked.

“You have an effect on her. You bring out a part of her she has long kept buried ever since she was thrust into a life both her father and I chose. She has dulled her light to give way to ours. Yet you arrive in Arkadia and it is as if her radiance found all the cracks in the persona she had crafted for herself.”

Lexa blinked again.

“You make her shine”

“She shines all on her own”

Abby smiled. “Oh, I know that, Commander. But she doesn’t”

Lexa blinked again. They were three floors down from the ground floor of the Mansion and soon these elevator doors would open without her completely understanding what this conversation was for. Abby smiled patiently at her – the way she did in their private meeting. A smile so completely different from all the daggered, almost disgusted looks she had sent her all night. A mother was smiling at her and it was so foreign from the politician who practically accused her of being a mass murderer.

“I will never let you whisk her away, you know” Abby clarified. “Unless it was a matter of life or death, I cannot ever completely trust her with you.”

“This ride is coming to an end, Chancellor” Lexa pointed out, still confused.

“Clarke looks at you and she aspires to be perfect. You look at her like she already is. I can never disapprove of that”

The elevator dinged and the door opened. Lexa found herself unable to move for a couple of seconds after the Chancellor exited. She held out her hand to stop the doors from closing on her but it met a hand already doing the exact same thing. She smiled. She could see Abby in the background, smiling as well.

“Hello, Clarke” she greeted the girl waiting for her.

“I guess I found where the top secret room is” Clarke quipped.

Lexa ditched her smile as she shrugged.

“Were you waiting for me?”

“Aren’t I always?”

Lexa smirked at her.

“I just wanted to say good night, I guess” Clarke said sheepishly.

“I was going to call you. The meeting ran longer than I anticipated.”

Clarke laughed like that was a joke. “Meanwhile my mom just said it ran smoother than she had thought it would.”

“Course and speed are two different things” Lexa noted seriously.

“Of course they are” Clarke rolled her eyes at her. “Anyway, I came to say good night so…”

“Good night” Lexa smiled.

“Good night”

Lexa watched as Clarke walked to where Abby was waiting for her. When the two turned and disappeared around the hall, she felt Anya stand beside her.

“I have a question but I would like to keep my head” she jested as they walked back to the guest wing.

“It seems everyone is keeping their heads tonight” Lexa replied, referring to the difference between the free flow of ideas and opinions the Chancellor allowed during the meeting from how she would hold her council discussion. No one would have dared spoken out of turn and they really would have finished half the time and in a smoother manner.

“Are you going to tell her ‘goodbye’ in person as well?” Anya posed.

Lexa ignored the question. She ignored it for the rest of the night and when she woke up to Clarke’s text that morning, she ignored it again. She called her and she answered on the first ring, voice tired and hoarse and slurry. Lexa apologized for waking her up but Clarke said that she said she was already awake. She woke up to send her a good morning text. Lexa thanked her and told her to go back to sleep. She did not need telling twice because Lexa heard her snore slightly through the phone.

It was probably the second best morning she has ever woken up to.

The rest of her day, however, was nowhere near as good. She was disappointed with the facility she toured that morning and found the meeting with the engineers who run it less than appealing. They were vague in answering her questions about the facility and vaguer when she inquired about how it was run. She tasked Anya to look further into it and was slightly surprised when Anya mentioned calling Clarke’s friend Raven about it.

“Where to next?” she asked as they drove back to the mansion.

“The Archives”

The Chancellor proved to be true to her word, granting her unlimited access to their historical archives. Lexa spent the entire afternoon reading through every journal, letter and contract available. Anya came in and out, bringing her food or updating her on the progress of some deals which were reached last night. And every time she would ask if she found what she was looking for, Lexa would growl her dismay.

The archives were no use. She did not find anything she did not already know. Page by page she only found more confirmation of both Indra’s and Anya’s stories. She also concluded that previous Chancellors probably never read through all these material if none of them ever prepared for a disaster. Then she remembered that Clarke has inherited a bunch of old journals from her father.

Jake really was someone who knew more than he should.

Lexa was stacking archaic journals containing handwriting she had given up reading when her phone buzzed. She checked her watch before reading the message. Clarke was already waiting for her and hinting that she should hurry or else they would miss “it.” She made her way to the back lot of the Mansion where sure enough Clarke was waiting for her by an unmarked black coupe.

“I suppose we are driving somewhere?” she indicated at the car while at the same time admiring it.

Clarke nodded and rushed her to get inside because they were going to miss “it.”

“Where are we going?” Lexa finally asked.

Clarke ignored her, eye focused on the road as she drove them a little above the speed limit.

Lexa shot a glance at the rearview mirror. An SUV was following them and she could make out Gus sitting on the passenger seat while one of Clarke’s regular bodyguards was driving. How Clarke managed to get Gustus this far and separated from her is a feat in itself. She reached over and gave her shoulder a congratulatory pat.

Clarke parked the car in an abandoned parking lot, near an old water tower. Her smile was drowning in mischief as she pulled Lexa out of the car and pointed at the singular ladder leading up to top of the water tower.

Lexa estimated the height to be about six to eight stories high. She frowned as Clarke started up the ladder. What on earth could she possibly be shown on top of a less than sturdy and full-on rusty climb? Then she reminded herself that in all honesty, she would follow this girl anywhere. She would follow Clarke to the deepest pits of the Earth if she asked her to. Even if she did not ask her to.

While climbing, she realized that she has followed Clarke anywhere.

Through worlds.

Through generations.

Through time.

Through lifetimes.

She shook such delusions out of her head. She focused instead on the ladder while simultaneously coming up with different scenarios of getting on the ground safely in case it breaks. She shook the bars and they were barely hanging on to whatever was on top. Clarke stopped climbing and gave her an annoyed look. She shrugged at her, muttering she was merely checking the safety of their little excursion.

She glanced back down and a much-smaller Gustus looking up at her from the ground. She could tell he did not at all approve of this climb but was restraining from climbing up after her. Clarke’s bodyguards didn’t even bother looking up.

Clarke has done this before. And her bodyguards have been subjected to this before.

And Gus was convinced to stay down there. Lexa smirked. Clarke’s power of persuasion is a weapon far trickier than any nuclear device.

“Do you want to tell me why we are up here?” she asked when they finally reach the top.

Clarke held her hand as they traversed the creaking walkway. They stopped at a platform on the other side of the tower and she followed as Clarke sat on the badly oxidized steel-screened floor. She watched as Clarke rested her chin on the railings and kept her gaze on the horizon.

“Look” Clarke whispered after the reflection of the sun’s rays on her face changed.

Lexa’s eyes followed the direction where Clarke was pointing. She gasped inaudibly. They had their backs to the city so there were hardly any building or any tall structures in front of them. Just dry plains and a few streams branching here and there. She could see a few rural-style houses and other abandoned factories, much smaller than the ones near where they parked. That kind of scene was a perfect set up to the one that Clarke was so keen of showing her.

The bright orange glow of the setting sun.

It was positively raging. A ball of fire covered by a sky of flames.

Lexa felt a pang in her chest. She did not know what it was. She could not define that particular emotion. She has trouble defining things which she hardly feels and therefore cannot fully know. But there is that pang so pronounced now as she finds herself to admitting what Clarke said right before she finished the thought.

“You said you hardly see the sunset”

Lexa smiled at the memory of the conversation they had when they were on their way to the Angry Rivers. She knew Clarke was paying attention but she also wondered how much information would she be able to retain. She was practically half-asleep for most of it. That was part of the reason why Lexa allowed herself to be more open and definitely more honest.

“It is beautiful” she whispered.

“Raven, Octavia and I would go here when we were younger. We would climb up here and just watch the sun set. It usually fixed all our problems and answer all our questions. We would drive here just before its descent starts and we would talk about everything. School. Parents. Brothers. Boyfriends. Our futures. The world. Everything. Then we would go quiet about a minute or two until its last light fades out” Clarke said, eyes already in the past.

“Boyfriends?” Lexa smirked at her.

“You know I only ever had one” Clarke chided.

She didn’t look at her so Lexa had to force herself from watching the colors of the sun and the sky reflect on Clarke’s face and watch the actual thing happen in front of her.

“I didn’t ask” she said, finding peace as the slow change of the colors.

“I could hear it in your voice” Clarke told her pointedly. “His name was Finn. And yes, I think I really did love him. Or at least I allowed myself to think that I did.”

“Why are you not together anymore?”

“We grew apart. I did not understand it then. I just knew us breaking up made sense the same way I knew being with him used to”

“And you understand it now?” Lexa asked, taking a peek at Clarke’s face before quickly watched the sky again. There was something here that Clarke did not want to miss and whatever it was, she did not want to miss it too.

“I guess”

“And?”

Clarke shrugged. “We were never meant to last longer than we did. We were never meant to be.”

Lexa breathed in that answer. She could not care less about Clarke’s past relationships. She would have never asked about him and would settle for whatever answer Clarke was comfortable giving. Maybe she would have preferred not hearing the answer she was just given too. It was a cause of concern for her – how Clarke seemed to have fully accepted the legend of this reincarnation. It concerned her how there does not seem to be any part of her that was questioning any of it now.

“Are you allowed to have one?” Clarke asked her.

“A boyfriend?” Lexa scoffed. “I suppose if I wanted one.”

“There is no rule against it?”

“No.”

“Is there a rule against me?”

Lexa scoffed again. She reached for Clarke’s hand and laced their fingers like it was the hardest habit to break and the easiest prayer to sing.

“That was a serious question, you know”

“There is no rule against you, where I come from” Lexa replied evenly. She did her best not to spit the last part of her statement bitterly.

“Wait, do you allow gay men in your military?” Clarke looked at her for the first time and tugged at their held hands when she didn’t answer immediately.

Lexa frowned at the question. She both did not understand the cause for it nor its relevance to this moment they were having.

“I don’t ask” she replied slowly.

“What? You’re the Commander!”

Lexa shrugged. “It is not a thing, I suppose”

“What does that mean?”

“There is no rule against it. If you can shoot and fight and keep the soldier next to you alive and if you can bring honor to your family and nation, I do not care who you sleep with. Hold a gun right and you can hold whoever’s hand you want”

Clarke’s jaw dropped in front of her.

Lexa reached for her chin with her free hand and tapped it gently and almost playfully, earning her a giggle and a blush. The sun can make a spectacle on every sky in the planet and still it could not ever rival the glow on Clarke’s face.

“So it’s not a thing?”

“Not in the military”

Clarke finally looked away again and focused on the live painting that was the sunset.

“But to society?” she asked, not bothering to hide a profound bitterness in her tone.

“Maybe”

“You don’t know?”

“We are a military society, Clarke”

“Right. But don’t dads want their sons to be…straight? And moms their daughters to be…you know, daughters?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her. She knows how different Polis is from the rest of the world. Her stay in Arkadia has also allowed her to see the depth of their cultures and traditions. She just never thought to see any of her own realities in the eyes of the people she has met here. Much less in the eyes of Clarke. She smiled to herself knowing that this line of thinking will lead to a promise that her realities will now be viewed through two sets of eyes and two warring philosophies.

“Fathers want their sons to be excellent soldiers. Mothers just want them to come home alive” she replied as if it was the simplest thing in the world. And it was the simplest thing in the world. In her world. "Daughters are no different just because they're daughters.

“And the Commander has no authority over it?”

“Authority to tell her soldier who to love and not to love? No. Should she?”

It was Clarke’s turn to shrug. She wasn’t looking at Lexa but Lexa could read the countless of headline s flashing through Clarke’s eyes.

“It’s just a thing here. I mean, it’s legal technically but it’s a thing”

“It’s judged” Lexa supplied the word Clarke refuses to use.

Clarke nodded and Lexa felt a piece inside her shatter in anger at the sadness she could feel from Clarke.

“So no say in your soldiers’ love life?”

“As long as it’s not treason”

“And do your people have a say in yours?”

Lexa thought about it quickly.

“They should probably not have one”

Clarke snorted. “Why do you not sound sure?”

“I never had one”

“A girl—A girlfriend?”

“A love life” Lexa corrected. She sighed slightly as her thumb ran circles at the back of Clarke’s hand. They had danced around this particular topic in both the ride heading to the Angry Rivers and in the one heading back to the city. She was not sure then if Clarke really wanted to know but it was evident now that she does. “I had someone close to me. Very close to me. Important.”

“That was it? Just once?”

“Yes”

“A girl..?”

Lexa smirked which Clarke punished her for by taking away her hand playfully. Lexa didn’t let it get too far before reaching for it again.

“Yes, a girl” she replied when Clarke finally gave in and laced their fingers herself.

“How long were you together?”

“Long enough for it to make a mark”

“How did it end?”

Lexa sighed again.

“Badly”

“Did you love her?”

Lexa heard the nervousness that accompanied the question but did not know how to address it. She had never been asked this before. While she and Anya had talked about it, she was never asked what kind of feelings were involved. Anya did not even bother asking if there were feelings there. She merely asked how Lexa wanted to proceed after it ended.

“I could have loved her” she heard herself answer.

“But?”

“But I had to be me”

Clarke turned to her with a frown before looking away again. “That doesn’t even make sense, Lexa”

“I suppose not”

“Where is she now?”

“Gone.”

Clarke didn’t say anything more after that which Lexa was thankful for. There are revelations which must never be touched by words, no matter how well-meaning. Whatever kind of response Clarke would have given, being who she is to Lexa now would never give justice to an aspect of Lexa’s life she had not known.

The sun fully creeping down the mountains now and Clarke held her breath. Lexa watched as she closed her eyes and only exhaled almost a minute later. Just in time for the sun’s last spark before retreating completely behind the silhouette of the ranges surrounding the outskirts of Arkadia. Clarke smiled at the embers in the sky – blood orange with a touch of fading yellow light spilling into a canvass of pink and purple as the evening started to roll in.

For the third time, she was witnessing a masterpiece with the best masterpiece of all. She can understand how someone like Clarke would find solace in a place like this. In moments like this. She was attuned to her art the same way Lexa was attuned to the outdoors. You will always find a home or a haven with the things you have grown up with. The security that brings can feel like an escape and the moments as small and as stolen as they will always feel special. Because in a world where everything feels borrowed, these are the things which will always be yours.

“Thank you” Lexa breathed.

“You make me appreciate these things more, you know?” Clarke replied, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I thought you used to go here often?”

“Used to. I haven’t in a while. This is the first time I’ve been back since my father died” Clarke admitted.

Lexa kissed the top of her head. If only a kiss would take all of this girl’s horrors away, she would shower her all that her lips could muster on every surface of her body.

“Thank you” Lexa repeated. “I may not be worthy of some parts of you, Clarke but thank you”

“You are worth more than you think”

Lexa smiled as she gently pressed her cheek on Clarke’s head. She never has moments like this. Moments when she would want to forget who she is, what she stands for, who she lives for and why she is who she is. She never understood how the people who had so much responsibility and had the trust of an entire race would ever choose to walk away from something they were born to and born for. She never even understood the songs she would hear and the poems she would recite. They were always ever just words. Nothing more.

Until Clarke.

She knew then how someone who has the world in their hands could choose to stop holding it if it meant holding the one soul that truly matters.

“Did you see it?” Clarke asked her.

“What?”

“The last few seconds of the sun”

“Mhmm.”

“Makes you feel hopeful, doesn’t it?”

Lexa thought about it. Hope was not exactly the first thing she thought of as the sun died in front of them. There was nothing hopeful about it. How can she find hope in something that takes away light when light was all that was ever asked of her? From where she came from, the sun setting was the start of a descent to death. People died in the evening. Wars were fought in the dark. Assassins and traitors used the night to cover their acts. The farewell of the sun meant the start of walking towards an end so uncertain one should smartly walk alone to minimize the damage and the casualty count.

“Hopeful?”

“Yeah”

“Death makes you feel hopeful?” Lexa’s skepticism earned her a soft-hearted slap on the forearm from Clarke.

“You saw death? In that?” Clarke laughed at her.

She pointed at the pink and purple sky as if there was a spot in the very middle that Lexa missed.

“That is not death, Lexa. That is a promise”

“A promise?”

Clarke nodded. “The sun’s promise. It’ll be back. No matter how dark it gets.”

“Ah.”

Lexa earned herself another slap.

“No, seriously! That’s why we go here. It makes me feel safe and keeps my hope for things to come. Reminds me of the reality of the world. It gets dark and then it gets better”

Lexa looked at her and once again marvelled at her solemn resolve. This is a girl who has known unbearable loss, is burdened with a past trapped inside of her and is poised towards a future as unfathomable as the sun’s inevitable death someday. She is a woman of unknowable might and looking at the world through her eyes is an honor and a privilege for someone who has seen the world in its worst.

“It gets dark and then it gets better” she echoed Clarke.

“You know what else?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Maybe it is death but…we know now how death can really be like the sun setting right? For us, it’s never really permanent? It will get better. We will find each other again someday?”

Hope.

Lexa hears it in Clarke’s voice clearer than she can see it in the sky.

“In a century, more or less” she replied.

She heard it in her voice too.

She still did not believe the legend. There was a way around it. There was a better explanation for it. At the back of her mind, she knows how legends are treated by her people. They weigh almost as heavy as the law. But this one cannot be law. She cannot have it as law. But at the same time, she finds herself wanting it to be real. Maybe it was an instant product of looking at the world through Clarke’s eyes – you see everything a little brighter, a little more positively…and a little more hopeful.

Maybe she was hoping that their fate really is like the sunset. It will get dark then it will get better. The darkness of this looming war will lead to death before it finds light in a rebirth to a new world. A rebirth to a new reality where her soul will still find Clarke. Or will still be found by Clarke and Clarke will remember her again, will choose her again and will love her again. And she, still a skeptic in that world, will still fall for Clarke. All over again.

Hope.

It is as hard to un-see and un-hear as it is to detect in the first place.

“Your thoughts are not here” Clarke murmured.

“They are”

“What is it then?”

“I am trying to see the world the way you do”

Clarke smiled at her, a blush in her face naughty with the loom of the early evening sky.

“And?”

“And I see you” Lexa whispered. She landed herself another slap on the arm, this one fainter and more playful from Clarke.

“I see you too, silly”

Lexa leaned in and kissed the tip of Clarke’s nose. Clarke giggled nervously. She smirked, nuzzling their noses before kissing the side of Clarke’s lips. It was a miss. Clarke’s reaction said that she found it cute and even slightly adorable that Lexa would take her time and be extra respectful. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t even asking for permission. She simply missed Clarke’s lips.

Her. Lexa. The Commander of Blood who has perfect marks at the gun range, archery and even knife throwing. The cadet who still holds the record in the Military Academy. She has never missed a target. Ever. Her precision and accuracy are as legendary as the person herself. She who could hit a bullseye in her sleep—misses the Chancellor’s daughter’s lips.

Lifetimes’ worth of history is of no use to her.

Clarke chuckled as she reached for Lexa’s face with both her hands, pressing their foreheads together. Lexa’s smirk faded as she closed her eyes to meet Clarke’s ready lips.

She probably should not have closed her eyes. She has missed already.

She probably should not have closed her eyes. Closing her eyes always heightens the rest of her senses. That was when she realized this kiss was still not happening. She felt the vibrations of the platform they were sitting on. The handrails shook and Clarke’s face was close enough to hers that she felt her eyelashes brush on hers as Clarke’s eyes opened.

“Gus” they both whimpered in different levels of annoyance.

Lexa turned to their intruder and found Gustus panting. She knew it was not from the climb. Gus had climb taller trees without so much as foothold and never broke a sweat.

“My apologies, Commander. We must take you and Miss Griffin back. Now” he announced.

Lexa noticed he was holding his gun, his eyes laser-focused in the plains under them. A few seconds later, two of Clarke’s guard appeared behind him, all holding their guns as well. One was talking through his comms while the other moved to help Clarke stand up. She motioned for Clarke to go with her but Clarke only stood closer to Lexa.

“Okay. Let us go” Lexa said, holding Clarke’s hand protectively.

“She has to go with us, Commander” the guard said. “Protocol.”

Lexa scoffed.

“She’ll keep me safe” Clarke declared. “Let’s just get off this damn tower so you can tell us what the hell is going on.”

The filed down the ladder while Clarke’s two other guards waited for them on the ground, stance vigilant. Gus went down first, Lexa closely followed him, with Lexa below her. The last guard stayed up on the top of the water tower, gun still drawn and eyes still piercing through the darkness. As soon as they stepped on the ground, they were both ushered hurriedly inside the backseat SUV, flanked on both sides by two guards. Gus quickly took his seat at the passenger side, the car practically driving off before the doors closed.

Lexa’s free hand rested on the hunting knife sheathed by her ankle while her left hand still gripping Clarke’s. Clarke was on the phone trying to call her mother and muttering that she was not picking up. The lower her volume gets, the hoarser and worried it sounds. Lexa scolded herself after taking a minute to admire how well Clarke has her reactions controlled. Courage and strength to rival most warriors.

Gus handed her a satellite phone, ruining her moment of revelling. Lexa was still mentally chastising herself as she pressed the SatPhone to her ear and heard Anya’s resigned voice.

“Alive, Commander?”

“So-so”

She heard Anya chuckle. “There is a security breach in the mansion. Secretary Kane is wounded. He is being tended to in the infirmary”

“How did that happen?”

“We don’t know yet. I have crafted a secure path for you and Clarke. We will have you contained in the residence wing as soon as you get here.”

“Anya, who is the target?”

Anya did not answer right away. Lexa met Clarke’s worried eyes and tried to give her a supportive smile.

“Anya.”

“No confirmation, Commander. But Kane was with the Chancellor”

Lexa exhaled sharply. “How is she?”

“Communication is down”

“Find out, will you?”

“As soon as you are secured”

Lexa signed off the phone and handed it back to Gus. She avoided Clarke’s eyes until she felt a tug on her hand. She raised Clarke’s hand to her lips and kissed it.

“I will protect you”

“How bad is it?”

“We do not know yet. Mansion communication is down” Lexa admitted in what she deemed an even and calm voice. “They don’t know where the threat is coming from. They are bringing us back for safety”

“If the threat is in the mansion, why—“

“Better the terrain you know” Lexa explained.

As SUV dashed to the back gates of the mansion, Lexa saw the bodies first. She reached for Clarke’s head and tried to hug her, to shield her from the sight but it was too late. Clarke had already gasped just as she pulled her close. Four dead guards lying just by the gate.

There were soldier from both Polis and Arkadia in position, ready to procure them. Two of Clarke’s guards shielded her body and covered his head with a small bulletproof shield as she followed Lexa’s lead, their hands inseparable.

Lexa rushed but was not as covered. Gus was in front of her and she knew that was all the protection she needed. Him and a dozen of her soldiers all scattered in every corner they turned inside the mansion. As soon as they reached the residence wing, she met Anya’s eyes as quickly as Clarke ran to Octavia’s waiting arms.

“We need to get you inside” Octavia told her. “Where the hell were you?!”

“Water tower” Clarke muttered clumsily and for a moment all the worries weighing her down since they were plucked from their intimate moment faded. Octavia laughed and hugged her again.

Lexa allowed Anya to sigh her relief before getting the report. She told Clarke to go inside her room and promised she would soon follow. Clarke was clear – she was not going in there without Lexa. She made her swear. Lexa did.

As soon as Clarke went inside with her bodyguards and Octavia, Anya introduced Lexa to Octavia’s brother.

“I’m assigned to keep her safe” Bellamy told Lexa.

“Good. Can you keep her safe from here?”

“I was told to keep an eye on her”

“Newsflash” Lexa snapped.

“Commanders, I have my orders—“

“Lieutenant Blake, do we know who attacked Secretary Kane?”

“No, Commander”

“Then stay out here and make sure no one gets to Clarke” Lexa barked. “As for keeping her safe, I assure you I can do a much better job.”

Bellamy glared but did not say anything. He stood guard at the door.

“Find out how the Chancellor is then come inside” Lexa ordered Anya more gently. “No more than five minutes, Anya. I want you inside”

Anya nodded then disappeared around the hallway with half a dozen soldiers trying to keep up with her. Gus followed Lexa inside and they walked hurriedly to Clarke’s door. Just as Lexa was about to open the door, loud alarm sounds sounded from above them and the knobs clicked. Lexa turned it and it would not budge. She motioned for Gus to check the window at the end of the hall. He tried to open it but he could not, confirming that they were indeed on a lockdown. Three guards rushed from the other side of the wing, guns drawn at them.

Gus aimed at them but Lexa called him off. They recognized her right away and lowered their guns.

“We’re on lockdown, Commander” one of them said. He hand her and Gus a mask. “Fifteen minutes until the order for a sleeping gas.”

“Are my people aware of the gas strike?”

“Your general ordered it a minute ago”

“Which one?”

“The nicer one”

Lexa nodded, grabbed the mask and ordered Gus to join the soldiers to guard the door. The soldiers begged off Gus’s company, saying it might be best if someone was with her. A last stand. Lexa wanted to smirk at him but thanked the soldiers instead. She ordered him to watch the window. He understood what she was saying and obeyed without asking any questions.

“Lexa?!” Clarke’s voice from behind the door echoed through the empty hall.

“I’m here” she responded, leaning on the door.

“Octavia said we are on lockdown” Clarke called from the other side. Lexa could hear the relief in her voice.

“We are. Are you guards patrolling your windows?”

“They’re…trapped inside my bathroom”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Of course they are.”

“It’s a huge bathroom and they were checking if anyone was in there when the doors automatically closed and shut” Clarke defended her guards with a chuckle.

“Tell Octavia to watch the windows closely but don’t stand directly in the line of fire”

“Oh my god, Commander. You sounded just like Indra!” Octavia’s voice joked. “You two play nice here, I’ll go watch the windows”

Lexa slowly sat on the floor, one hand gripping her gun pointed at the hallway on her left and another playing absentmindedly with her hunting knife. She thought back on security briefings they had before going to Arkadia. In every scenario Anya and Indra had crafted, she was always the one behind closed doors. She was always well-protected. She was never the one doing the protecting.

She preferred it this way.

Lexa loved Anya’s timing. Whether it was planned or not. She preferred to be here, in a perfect position to make sure that no one will get to Clarke. She glanced at her watch. 13 minutes until the gas will be released. She called to Clarke, asking if they have masks. They don’t but Octavia knows where they were kept. A minute later, Clarke informed her that they were. She took another swipe at her guards. This time Clarke didn’t bother defending them.

“What are you doing right now?” Clarke asked her.

“Keeping you safe”

“I mean, are you standing? Sitting? Lying on your stomach like a sniper ranger?”

Lexa smiled to no one.

“Leaning on your door”

“Good. I’m leaning on my door too”

“You two are disgusting” Octavia’s faint and far voice could be heard from behind the door.

At the ten minute mark, the lights went out. Gus walked towards her but she waved him off again. She can see in the dark. It was not a problem. Besides, she was not worried for herself. She heard Clarke from behind asking Octavia for a flashlight.

“Are you scared?” Lexa asked Clarke softly but loud enough to be heard from the other side.

“Yes”

“No one will get through me” she vowed.

“I’m not scared for me! Lexa, in the stories—“

“They are stories, Clarke” she cut her off, louder than she intended.

“In which you always—you always—“

“—die first” Lexa supplied. She smiled warily, leaning her head back. She wanted to hold her, to assure her and just make it clear that she was safe. They were both safe. And if it came down to it, it was a choice she was willing to make. “I know.”

“We started this, didn’t we? That night at the ball? I danced with you. That must have sent a signal to the universe – we were ripe for the taking!”

Lexa’s laugh was hollow. Gus turned to her alarmed. It was probably more as a surprise that she was laughing more than a concern for her safety. Lexa thought of a joke to reply but her mind alerted to the sound from behind the door. Her stomach dropped as she pressed her ear to the door.

“Clarke” she whispered.

Clarke did not respond. Lexa decided against knocking or even forcefully bringing the door down. She called out again and she heard scrambling from the other side. She cussed then called out to Clarke again, this time a little more urgently.

She was about to signal for Gus to cover her as she would try to break down the door when she heard footsteps approach the door.

“I’m okay” Clarke said. “My guards are trying to break down my bathroom door. And I tripped over my stuff and furniture on my way to tell them I will shoot them myself if they ruin my suite”

Lexa released the chunk of air she did not realize she was holding. Clarke must have heard her because she chuckled sympathetically before calling out an apology. Lexa leaned back on the door again, and she heard Clarke do the same. She shook her head at the irony of their situation. Just when they final breached through each other’s walls, a literal blockade kept them apart. Just when she was sure who Clarke is to her, how much she means to her and what she was willing to sacrifice for her, she finds herself in a position where she cannot do anything other than guard the door that was separating them.

Was it a sign? A metaphor of their life? To keep her safe, she must keep her away? To keep her alive, she must keep her on the other side of life’s door? To keep her at all, she must not have her? Was this the price she has to pay? Was life asking her something far worse than death?

But as of right now, there was nothing worse than the thought that tonight might be her last night with Clarke.

She heard another aggressive sound from behind. Clarke assured her it was just her guards again.

“Is this our fate?” Lexa asked before she could stop herself. She could hear Clarke fidget from behind. She bit her lip and quickly thought of a recovery. “Gus interrupting our kiss? Your guards interrupting our serious talk?”

She knew it was a bad cover up but it did the trick when Clarke giggled nervously.

“Oh, is that what you were trying to do?” she said in between edgy titters. “You were trying to kiss me?”

Lexa missed the joke completely. She frowned to herself.

“It was not obvious?” she asked seriously, a little embarrassed at how embarrassed her voice sounded.

This time Clarke laughed for real.

“I know what you were doing. I just wished it actually happened” she said.

“Oh.”

Lexa checked her watch. Three minutes. She heard another bang from inside and rolled her eyes. Perhaps the door was a good block. She would have shot all of Clarke’s guards herself. This was a poor show of their grasp on her security. If they get out of this alive, she made up her mind to talk to the Chancellor. If the target is the Chancellor, Clarke is not safe her. Not when she has subpar soldiers guarding her. Octavia would probably do a better job keeping Clarke alive than all her bodyguards put together.

“Clarke” she called to her, keeping her eyes on the countdown on her watch.

“Yeah?”

“Whoever is in charge of your security should be hanged” Lexa said loudly. She hoped the soldier around the hall heard her. And the idiots in the bathroom.

“We don’t have the death penalty here” Clarke’s voice was reprimanding but amused.

“Murdered then”

“I don’t advocate violence.”

Don’t I know it, Lexa thought.

“Fired” she filtered her thoughts.

“Okay”

“At the stake”

Clarke laughed loudly. Lexa heard Octavia shush her but she still laughed anyway. It was musical as compared to the eerie silence sweeping through the mansion. It would have been musical compared to anything but at that particular moment, Lexa knew it was her favourite sound in the world.

Next to Clarke’s heartbeat.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“I like your laugh”

“Lexa?”

“Yes?” Lexa pressed her ear on the door as Clarke seemed to have dropped to whispers.

“I like you”

Lexa smirked.

“If we get out of this—“ she started to reply, feeling her courage surge through her chest as they have about a minute left before the sleeping gas strike.

“When we get—“ Clarke interrupted her sternly.

“If we get out of this—would you mind if I kiss you?”

Clarke didn’t answer right away.

Forty-five seconds.

“When we get out of this,” Clarke’s smile was colored her voice. “You better”

Lexa’s smile could have powered the entire mansion with enough bolts to spare for a storm. She told her to put her mask on as she counted down. She had reached five when she heard gunshot just outside the residence wing. Gus was on her side in an instant. He dropped to his knees a few steps away from her, shielding her from whatever would come through those doors and down this hall. Lexa dropped to her stomach and whispered orders to Clarke, telling her to keep Octavia close.

Five more gunshots.

Lexa blocked all her thoughts out of her mind, including thoughts of Clarke. She focused on the gun in her hand and the limited visibility the darkness provided. She wondered why the sleeping gas has struck yet. She blocked out all thoughts of Anya as well. She released the safety of her gun and waited for the footsteps she can feel from the ground. She guessed there were at least six people outside the doors. Easy enough to take down if she and Gus remain in-synced. She aimed her gun just at the top of Gus’s head in preparation. She cursed at the dark.

But she has never missed a target. She was not going to start tonight.

The doors bolted open and she heard their weight drop on the ground. Someone yelled for open fire but only three gunshots were made. Gus relaxed but did not lower his gun. That was when Lexa saw her. The Chancellor, her shoulder bleeding was being held by a mask man. The man’s voice was muffled behind his mask but the order was clear. They were being told to surrender their weapons.

Not a chance.

She heard Clarke gasp from the other side of the door. She knows her mother is hurt and was being held hostage. Lexa aimed her gun on the man’s forehead. She does not know how thick the mask was but she knows with certainty she can hit her mark. Gus had moved subtly to cover her, ready to take the bullet that would surely be aimed at her.

“Chancellor” Lexa said calmly. “You might want to close your eyes”

Abby nodded faintly. She was weak from the loss of blood but she met Lexa’s eye first. She pleaded. Lexa knew it was for Clarke’s safety. There was no need for such plea. Lexa tried to convey an order. To close her eyes, relax and stay low as soon as the man would drop her.

“I will kill her!” the man repeated himself.

Lexa, like the shark that she is, smelled the blood-scented fear. She smirked at him as she slowly pulled her trigger.

Only someone beat her to it.

She heard the gunshot. She saw Abby close her eyes and drop to the floor. Gustus caught him. Lexa fired three times just as quickly as Abby fell. Three to the forehead. A perfect triangle. She rushed to Gus’s side to see how badly Abby was shot but she wasn’t. The wound on her shoulder was a stab wound. Lexa’s reflexes were quick to aim at the dark once more but she was greeted by a grim smile on Anya’s face.

“Alive, Commander?”

Lexa nodded, trying to calm settle her heart. Soldier piled behind Anya to gather the body of the masked man on the floor and the others to Abby’s side. Anya told them to bring her to the infirmary as fast as they could.

“The hospital—“ Lexa suggested.

“Their infirmary is a hospital, Commander” Anya informed her. She took her time studying every visible part of Lexa as the lights came back on. She breathed a little easily when she found her unscathed.

They both turned when they heard the locks clicked open.

Lexa wished it happened in a slow motion. Instead, like most moments in her life, it was all a blur. She saw Clarke open the door and without even taking precautionary cover, stepped out of her room and looked for her amidst the uniformed soldiers.

Their eyes met easily.

Lexa faced her, arms open and Clarke ran into them like there was a magnetic force pulling her. She thought she heard a sob from Clarke but she never got to investigate for as soon as Clarke looked up to her eyes, their lips were already pressed.

It was fast. Hungry. Urgent. Fear-laden.

Then it slowed.

Like a warrior coming home for the first time.

Like a wanderer finally finding home.

Lexa kissed her softer and Clarke tempered with her.

Lexa kissed her with promises and vows and she could feel Clarke’s warmth and welcome in the response.

It was as smooth as a transition of spilled colors in the sky into one perfect painting during the sunset. It was a translation of the harshness of reds and oranges into softer hues of pink and purple. It was strokes and strokes of aggressive brushing on an empty canvass to transform it into a masterpiece.

Lexa saw the sunset again. She did not see death. She saw hope.

It was dark and now it was better.

Clarke is her hope. Clarke’s kisses is her dawn. The fulfilment of the setting sun’s promise.

The room grew quiet once more. Not eerie. Not tensed.

Relief.

Respect.

Lexa felt tears down Clarke’s face and she reached up to wipe them gently. She gently pulled away to look at Clarke’s eyes. She sought out the fear and the anger and the sadness and the doom. She did not find any of it. She only found an overwhelming declaration that Clarke was never going to let her go. She smiled her then kissed her one last time.

Not a period to a statement but ellipses.

The world would not wait forever.

“Your mother is in the infirmary” she whispered, running one hand up and down Clarke’s back for support. She kept the other hand behind her. It had too much blood for Clarke to see.

“What?”

“Anya?” Lexa remembered they weren’t alone. Anya had looked away but turned to them as soon as she called. “Can you have our men take Clarke to see her mother?”

“How about you? You’re bleeding!” Clarke exclaimed when she finally noticed the rest of Lexa.

“It’s not my blood” Lexa said. She saw Clarke’s eye widen in horror. “My men will take you. I will join you as soon as I can.”

Clarke nodded, kissed her again then rushed out the hallway. Anya stopped Octavia momentarily, checked her and sighed in relief. Octavia managed to joke about Anya’s face but it fell flat. Anya told her that her brother was grazed by a bullet but otherwise he was fine. Octavia ran out after Clarke, muttering about how her brother was dumb enough not to take cover.

Lexa, Anya and Gus stayed behind as the soldiers piled out. Anya was on the satellite phone talking with Indra. She had to repeat three times that Lexa was unharmed. She then demanded to know why on earth the sleeping gas was not released. Her face grew grimmer with each passing second of silence.

“Well?” Lexa asked when the call ended.

“They had security codes” Anya said. “We should stop looking at high-ranking officials”

“Whoever is behind this is within the mansion” Lexa finished her thought. “Infiltrated the Chancellor’s inner security. I want a head count of our men. I want them tended to right away.”

“How bad was the Chancellor wounded?” Anya asked.

“Clean cut. Surgical stab but not deep” Gus responded. “But she lost a lot of blood. More blood than you would expect from a wound that did not hit any major veins or arteries”

Lexa closed her eyes.

“They held her with intent to torture. Bleed her dry” she angrily said, her jaw clenched and teeth gritted. She has seen this kind of behaviour before.

Once.

And once was enough.

“I want confirmation on who is behind this before midnight” she barked in her most spine-chilling levelled and calm voice. “I will be in the infirmary. I need a word with the Chancellor as soon as she wakes up. I will not let Clarke stay here. Not when her mother was targeted and most certainly not when the methods of our enemies have shed light on who they might be”

Lexa marched out of hallway but before she could reach the now destroyed doors of the residence wing, Anya caught up with her.

“Commander, wait” she said with rehearsed caution. “Taking Clarke out of Arkadia might not be the best idea”

“She is safer in Polis. Trikru Tower is impenetrable” Lexa insisted. “They want her mother, Anya and you know as well as I do that they will use her”

Anya gulped as she tried to reword the information Indra gave her.

“Spit it out!” Lexa impatiently commanded.

“They don’t want her mother, Commander” she slowly said, her voice was harrowing. “The Chancellor is not the target”

“Do they want her?”

“They want you, Commander” Anya said. “Indra found files about you on one of the intruders who were gunned down.”

Lexa’s eye sharpened as she processed the information. Anya asked her for orders. She told her to send word to Polis. High Alert. Put the entire country, especially the capital on high alert.

The attack was not for the Chancellor.

It was for her.

And by staying with Clarke, she had put her in danger. In greater danger than if she had stayed away. She thought back on their kiss and how it made everything right.

Their first kiss was an escape. The same way that watching the sunset was an escape for Clarke. It was a quiet moment. The same ones that scares Lexa. It was a promise. The same one she made to the Chancellor regarding Clarke’s safety. It was a metaphor. The same as the door that separated them. The door that kept Clarke safe and alive. Both from the intruders and from her. It was irony at its finest. A stillness in the world, a break from reality, a harmony of colors in the sky to counter the darkness only to give way to the darkest storm of them all.

The sun has set and it had taken away their hope quicker than its descent.

The sun has set and as Lexa made her way to the infirmary, she could no longer see the vibrant blend the hues. She could no longer see through Clarke’s eyes. The world had caught up to her and she could only see it the same way she always had.

The sun has set and there was no hope.

Just death.

The sun has set and the dark is here.

The dark is here and there is no promise of anything getting better.

She reached the infirmary, where everyone was rushing everywhere. She saw Octavia bandaging her brother’s arm against the watch of the nurse. Octavia saw her and pointed to where the operation room was. She walked towards it and found Clarke being held by Raven as they stood outside translucent glass doors.

The sun has set in Arkadia.

War will be had.

And war will take lives.

Lexa is the Commander again. She had a nation to protect, an army to lead and a weapon to wield. She turned to Anya and gave the order she was hoping not to make. Anya did not at all looked surprise. She was expecting it. She left to call Indra.

That weapon needs to be secured before the dark settles.

Lexa watched as Raven continues to comfort Clarke.

She will have to tell her but how? How does she say goodbye when they just kissed minutes ago? How does she say goodbye when their kiss was a glimpse of all the years they could have together?

Clarke would understand but she would not forgive. This is a woman who hated decisions being made for her. She would never forgive her for making the deal. She would never forgive her for making the decision without her. She would never forgive her if she died without her.

Lexa always dies first.

That’s how history told it.

Lexa suddenly understood why that was.

The sun has set and the darkness is here to stay.

And the darkness never has mercy. It takes lives, it breaks promises and it steals love.

In any lifetime, in every lifetime – whether the legend was true or not – in all of their lifetimes, Lexa must have made this choice.

**_To keep her, she must not have her at all._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting for the update. I have been very busy in the past two weeks and I have not proofread this chapter. If there are errors, please excuse me. I will try to correct them tomorrow if I have the time. 
> 
> If the chapter is dragging, do let me know. I hope you enjoy reading and I look forward to hearing all your thoughts. Any and every kind of comment or discussion is welcome and encouraged. Thanks!


	9. Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a game where the stakes are life and death, you can either be an influential player or you get to be the one being played. Either way, Clarke realizes that you cannot hope to win if you do not join the actual game.  
> You have to choose to play. Even if the game might be against your girlfriend.

(Clarke's POV)

 

Clarke checked her phone for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. Lexa still has not called or texted back. Their last talk was six hours ago and it lasted barely five minutes. She tried not to think about other reasons why she can barely get a hold of her. They were, after all, attacked less than eight hours ago. Even if she does understand the situation, she is reminded why a relationship was never for her. The constant worrying over someone you have feelings for is enough to drive anyone insane.

The last time she was invested in anyone, as special as that time was, took a toll in her. And she knows for a fact that the feelings then were nowhere close to what she was feeling for Lexa now. And the perils of that relationship did not reach life or death levels. When she did not get a call back right away, her biggest worry was that he was drunk with his friends or maybe he was cramming for a paper and didn’t charge his phone or the worst of it, maybe he was flirting with another girl. None of those ever came to life.

And none of those came close to “maybe whoever the spy is finally got to her” or “what if she’s kidnapped or dead” or “what if she’s in the city square about to put every suspect in front of a firing squad?” or the current concern of the hour “what if she wasn’t answering my calls because she was stealing a nuclear bomb?”

All valid thoughts. All in her head right now. All probably in Lexa’s schedule.

Clarke opened her laptop to read the news online but all the headlines were about concerns, speculations and every other update on her mom’s condition. It made her stomach squirm so she closed it again. Her mom was fine. Other than the loss of blood, she was physically fine. She had, however, asked her mom’s doctors to sedate her so she could rest. The Chancellor was in no emotional nor psychological capacity to get back to work.

Which was another concern for her. None of Arkadia’s officials could reach the Vice-Chancellor. Secretary Kane was in a worse condition than her mom and she does not at all trust Secretary Pike. Technically, right now, no one was in charge of Arkadia. She had asked the different secretaries and heads of the Security Council to address and make the decisions they can make on their own and leave the rest for when her mom wakes up. They protested. But when you bring up the fact that you were trapped inside your bedroom during emergency lockdown while your mom was being held hostage outside your door, people tend not to argue with you.

That and the fact that Lexa was right beside her when she gave the order. She thanked her for backing her up because it made sure that the officials would actually follow her. Lexa shrugged it off saying she was born to lead and would have done so with or without her.

Clarke blushed at the memory. It was right after they got confirmation that her mom was fine. She was sedated now and Lexa had come in to tell her she was leaving the infirmary to check on her people and to “put everything in order.” For a split second, she thought Lexa was leaving for Polis. She must have had a small panic attack on her face because Lexa smirked at her before giving her the quickest peck ever. Quick but still electric.

“I will check on you later” she said before kissing her.

“Lexa?”

“Yes?”

“Please be safe?”

Lexa smirked at her again then left.

The doctors and nurses could not pick up their jaws from the floor fast enough. Clarke sighed because as annoying as having an audience was, she could not really hide the fact that Lexa kissed her in public and made no apologies for it. And there was really nothing she could do about the huge grin on her face highlighting her pink cheeks.

A knock on the door forced her back to reality and before calling out to whoever it was on the other side, the door opened and Octavia’s head popped in with a reprimanding look.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” she exclaimed, walking in. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Clarke almost forgot where she was. She looked around her father’s private study and shrugged at her friend.

“The residence wing is not cleared, I can’t stay in the infirmary and I’ll be damned if I end up sleeping in my mother’s office” she said, motioning to the bed she made on her father’s couch. “And I feel safer here. He feels…close”

Octavia gave her a sympathetic look before grabbing her phone and tapping in the passcode.

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked.

“I’ve been calling and texting you in the last hour – why is it not registering?”

“What?”

“Why is it not—“

“The last hour?!”

Octavia stared at her for about five seconds before rolling her eyes.

“I have a feeling you’re not worried about the communication jam”

“No, it’s not just—“

“She’s fine, Clarke. She has not killed anyone and she has not been harmed. I saw her before going here”

Clarke frowned at Octavia. Lexa was in the mansion which is a good thing but it could also mean that her team did not feel safe enough to leave. Or that the problem was still inside and she was not going to leave until it is solved. Or caught. And killed.

“She was the one who mentioned the communication’s down again” Octavia continued, ignoring Clarke’s reaction. “So, what do you want to hear first?”

“Bad news?”

“Anya thinks all our security system and personnel are compromised. Apparently there is overwhelming evidence of it”

“And the good..?”

“Indra has about a dozen suspects in custody. That’s where I was before I went to find you”

Clarke sighed. “Our people?”

Octavia nodded.

“They’re not looking into their soldiers?”

“All their men check out fine.”

“Who did the checking?” Clarke demanded. She was about to charge out of the room when the door burst open again and Raven came in.

She looked relieved to find the two of them safe and well. She hugged Clarke tightly after briefly exchanging grateful looks with Octavia.

“They let you in?” Octavia asked her, voice careful that it didn’t sound like an insult.

If it did come out like that, Raven either did not notice or successfully ignored it. She shrugged at the question and nodded at Clarke’s direction before setting her bag down on the desk.

“They kinda had to” she answered with a naughty grin. “I mean, when the Chancellor’s daughter summons you saying it’s an emergency, they let you in. I’ve never seen the security here tighter though.”

“When the Chancellor almost bled out, it happens” Octavia sarcastically responded under her breath. She moved to take a closer look at the folders, books, different sets of hard drives and a stack of blueprints Raven was unloading on top of Clarke’s laptop. “I’m sorry, did I walk back to our High School Science Fair?”

Raven chuckled at her, allowing a warm sense of familiarity to fill the room and relaxing Clarke a little before she returned to sit on her father’s chair. She watched as Raven arranged everything on the table while Octavia would take one piece, study it for a minute then put it in a different pile for Raven to re-sort without complaints. It was all too familiar. All-too simple. It’s almost as if the last three years didn’t happen with Octavia blurting out random comments and Raven supplying information once or twice.

“So, did you fire all your guards?” Raven asked as she set up one of the hard drives on Clarke’s computer. Clarke wasn’t even surprised that Raven knew her password. Well, either she did or she just hacked it. Neither of the two scenarios would have been a shock.

“What? No… They’re down the hall”

“The door is guarded by five very armed Polis soldiers” Raven noted. “You never have their soldiers in your detail”

Octavia scoffed while Clarke blushed.

“They’re here because- Well, because—“

“When you date the Commander of Blood, it kinda happens” Octavia said with a laugh.

“Lexa doesn’t trust my guards” Clarke explained defensively. “And when it was her who stood between me and armed rebels, I would think she has the right to be a little concerned.”

Raven raised an eyebrow at her from behind the laptop.

“Little concerned?” she said with a smirk that both Clarke and Octavia have missed over the years. “One of them has a grenade launcher strapped on his back. And when did you two become…like, official anyway?”

Clarke avoided both their eyes. Raven merely went back to whatever it was she was configuring on Clarke’s laptop but Clarke could feel Octavia’s eyes still on her. She pondered on the question. Does a kiss make things official? Because if so, then she has been dating Lexa for about 9 or so hours. If not, then a kiss is still a kiss, right?

They have not had the time to talk about what that kiss meant. Or even what the night in the tent meant or the water tower date. It was a date, right? Of course it was. She does not bring just anyone in that water tower. In fact, she has never brought anyone there. She never shares that place with anyone except her best friends. Plus, Lexa would not let her go anywhere without the mentioned soldiers. That must mean something other than a fulfilment of the contract between their nations. Lexa’s job, technically, was to honor the pact made of protecting Arkadia’s Chancellor and people. There were never anything specific about keeping the Chancellor’s daughter alive.

At least not an official foreign relations contract.

Not in this lifetime.

Clarke shook her head as her thoughts drifted dangerously towards the tales told both by Indra and Anya. This was not a time for that. She looked up and found Raven already engrossed at her work while Octavia still waited for her answer.

“I don’t know. We kissed and haven’t really talked about it” she admitted.

Both her friends stared at her.

“You kissed?!” they exclaimed.

“It’s not a big deal!” Clarke groaned, slumping her back on the chair. “It was a kiss. Whatever”

Raven rolled her eyes while Octavia guffawed.

“After Finn, you literally swore off boys and I always thought it was ‘cause you dabbled with love carelessly but damn, Princess…” Octavia teased. “For what it’s worth, I kinda always knew.”

“Shut up. It’s not like a revelation or anything—“

“No shit” Octavia teased some more, making Raven laugh out loudly.

“I mean, I didn’t plan it!” Clarke defended. She really didn’t and she wanted to point out that she technically did not swear off boys. She swore off relationships and the possibility of love. They are messy and her position as the daughter of someone of importance only made things messier. She had responsibilities a lot of people do not understand and she has a role to play in society that no sane person would want to share with her. She had to take herself out of any probable situation because that was the only way to spare her feelings and whoever else’s.

But in walks Lexa and all that went down the drain. Nobody planned it.

Except maybe fate but considering only one of them believes in their personal bedtime story, maybe it doesn’t even count as an actual plan.

“It just happened. She happened. So we happened. Nobody planned it” she babbled on defensively.

Octavia rolled her eyes at her again and looked at Raven, expecting back-up. Raven smiled sympathetically at Clarke.

“Nobody plans falling for anybody, Clarke” she said. “Otherwise, I guess it makes the feelings less real”

Clarke studied her friend’s expression calmly. There was no sadness or bitterness in that statement. There was no resentment or even any form of regret and there definitely was no apologies too.

“You have moved on” she whispered with a proud sort of surprise. “You’re over Octavia, aren’t you?”

“Whoa, I’m right here!” Octavia warned. She looked like she was ready to leave that room if they were about to jump topics.

“And you never really move on from someone” Raven corrected her, still with a sympathetic smile. “You just learn to live with the reality of what is. You also realize what’s important to you – a notion that will never happen or a friendship worthy to be saved.”

“Wait, what?” Octavia asked her. “You want to be friends?”

Raven laughed.

“Do you honestly think I’d be in the same zip code as you, if I haven’t already accepted our new reality?”

“I guess not”

“Then say no more about our dramafest and let’s focus on why I was summoned here despite the entire city being on high alert” Raven said, as if that settled the matter. “First thing’s first, Clarke? How serious is this?”

“My mother is sedated in the infirmary and as of right now, no one is calling the shots for the government, I’d say it’s pretty serious”

“I meant, you and the Commander”

“Oh” Clarke gave an embarrassed grin. “I don’t know”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Octavia and Raven simultaneously exclaimed at her, with varrying degrees of ridicule and frustration tempered with slight hints of judgment.

Clarke had to laugh. Even though she usually had the final say in decisions being made among the three of them, growing up, and even if they looked to her a lot for pretty much everything, that has never stopped them from ganging up on her especially when it came to relationships.

“I don’t know, we haven’t talked yet!” she yelled back at them. “Why does it matter right now?”

“Because I don’t think your girlfriend would appreciate me showing you blueprints of her bomb” Raven said, facing the laptop towards Clarke. “These are the ones I have been studying since I got here. The ones your father sent me before the incident are heavily encrypted. I have yet to break the code.”

“Do you know where they hide this thing?” Clarke asked, reading what she could understand. She did not know much about explosives or engineering or nuclear physics but she has studied enough of her father’s work and her mother’s old college papers to recognize certain codes and formula. Like the ones which display the level of damage a particular ingredient would create.

“No, I have never seen the real thing”

“But you know how it works?”

Raven pursed her lips. “I know what makes it work. I don’t have the actual launch codes, Clarke. I’m not allowed to have them. Neither are you”

“Did you ask for the launch codes?” Octavia whispered in horror. “Clarke Griffin, have you gone mad? Why would you need them?”

“I don’t! Not yet…” Clarke replied thoughtfully. “I just want to be completely aware of what we’re dealing with.”

“Which brings me to my second question, why am I here, Clarke?” Raven asked her pointedly. “You could have asked anyone who knows more about this project than I do. I’m an intern, for crying out loud, I have very limited access.”

“I don’t trust anybody else with this” Clarke said. She turned to the other piles on her desk. “I’m about to run something by the both of you and before you tell me I’m crazy, I need you to understand that there is a reason why my mother didn’t tell me about this bomb and I know that has something to do with my father’s death. And you also need to understand that regardless of my relationship with Lexa…well, this kind of weapon in the hands of a government like hers is dangerous.”

Her friends nodded at her. Raven looks like she already knows what she was going to say while Octavia just looked like whatever it was, she was not going to like it. They could both be right but Clarke has made up her mind in the last six hours.

“I’m planning to give the bomb to Lexa” she started. “I know my mother wasn’t. But I know there was deal made after their last meeting—“

“How do you know what went on in that meeting?”

Clarke dodged the question. “It doesn’t matter. I just know there’s a deal and I know my mother wasn’t planning to keep her end of it. She was never going to give the bomb and I understand why. I wouldn’t want to give the bomb either”

“You just said you would”

“Well, yes because I don’t intend to cross Polis. So. Rae..?”

“What?”

“Can you modify it?”

Raven stared at her like she was crazy. “Modify a nuclear weapon? I’m an engineering student, we don’t have Bomb-making 101, Clarke.”

“But you can modify codes, right? Give us remote access and allow us to have a peek at it? Make sure we can somehow control its target and trajectory?”

“Hold up—Clarke, like shut up” Octavia said waving her hands frantically. “Do you realize you’re basically committing both treason and acts of war? You don’t have the power to do this in this country and in Polis, they kill this kind of talk. Literally kill.”

“Lexa’s not going to kill me”

“Lexa doesn’t know yet!”

“Lexa will never know. If she keeps their side of this bargain and never use it on anything that could harm Arkadia, she won’t ever have to know that we’re looking in on her bomb” Clarke urged.

“Clarke, I know you think you have something special with this girl but she is the Commander of Blood for a reason. Even if she’s fallen for you, what makes you think she can forgive this kind of deception?” Octavia tried to reason with her. “You may have spent a lot of time with her but I have spent more time with her soldiers. Forgiveness is not exactly in Lexa’s vocabulary. This is unforgivable!”

“We’re not breaking oaths, O. We’re not doing anything except having a little insurance” Clarke persuaded. “It’s not deception at all and even if Lexa finds out – which she won’t – she will understand. It’s not like she’s not planning her own little insurance policy.”

“What do you mean?”

Clarke tried to brush the question off but both Raven and Octavia stood up and demanded for an answer. She wasn’t sure if it was the best thing to tell her friends but if she has learned anything from watching Lexa work, it’s that you always need your inner and most trusted circle. She may trust Lexa with her own life but when it comes to other people’s lives, she only trusts herself and the two people she has in this room with her.

She sighed defeatedly before dropping her voice to a whisper.

“When she sat with me in the infirmary as we waited for my mom’s test results, I heard her give an order to Anya. I don’t know what it was exactly but I’m pretty sure they have an extraction plan. And I know Lexa enough to be sure that if she’s the one who came up with the plan, it’s infallible. She’s brilliant and amazing and yes, ruthless that is why whatever she has in store, it’s going to be huge. My mother would be dumb to try and foil it. Nevermind what the Vice-Chancellor will come up with and Pike will sooner bury us in ashes before he even comes close to understanding Lexa’s mind. This is the best thing I could think of.”

“A Trojan Horse controllable remotely is the best plan you could think of?” Raven mocked. “And you think someone who has yet to get her degree is the person you should give this task to? Sure, Clarke. Sure.”

“This is preparation and Rae, I know this is why my mother sent for you. You’re not here on internship or whatever. She sent for you to study this bomb. You are at the top of your class and she trusts you.”

“Clarke, your mother wanted me to be part of the team tasked to disarm the bomb – not change it! She wanted someone she knew personally and who understands the language to keep an eye on the project! Not deceive the Commander of Blood! Can you not see the difference?!”

“We’re not deceiving her though! She gets her bomb and she will have the power to use it. Just that we would be protecting ourselves—“

“Do you honestly think she would ever bomb Arkadia? You live here and we are supposed to be allies” Octavia countered. “Her job literally has a sworn oath to keep us safe—“

“What if I’m not in Arkadia?” Clarke asked in a hollow voice. “What if she finds out that whoever tried to kill me last night was Arkadian? You both know what they’re saying out there. Our walls have been breached and we have no clue who’s done it. And she has people wounded and maybe dead after last night. You said it yourself, forgiveness is not her strongest suit”

It has been nagging her like it a waking nightmare. She has no doubt in her mind that Lexa will never harm her. Ever. She knows Lexa would lay down her life for her. And maybe even for her mother or her friends. Maybe not die for them but they were too involved now for these not to be a factor. But she also knows from studying Lexa overnight that she was different when she is Commander. And they do not have the same views on containing damage. Or on justice and punishment.

Lexa has very little regard of her own life if it meant protecting her people. If it meant protecting Clarke. She expects from her people the same level of willingness to sacrifice. If it turns out that the only way to protect her people and to protect Clarke was to bomb an entire city or even the whole country, she would do it. Clarke doesn’t agree with that kind of approach. They will lose more lives than they would save. One life is not more valuable than others just because they were born in a position of privilege.

“I’m not breaking terms of whatever pact they have made. I’m saving the damn thing because I know my mother – on Pike’s advice - would move that bomb before Lexa could get her hands on it. Don’t you think that would be a much bigger catastrophe?”

“Why not just talk to her then?”

“And tell her what exactly? Don’t trust my mother but by all means, trust me with your heart?”

Raven just shook her head like this entire talk was crazy. Octavia had finally allowed this idea to sink in and was considering it. She still didn’t like it. She has grown a healthy amount of respect over how Lexa runs her army and her government. While she does not agree with death penalties and executions, there is a code of honor in Lexa’s people that is absent among theirs.

Keeping a secret and planting a lie on grounds which are already fragile runs counter to everything Lexa instils in her people.

It would be unforgivable.

If they get caught.

And they will get caught.

“She’ll find out” Octavia voiced out. “I understand you, I really do and I’d probably be all for it and while I have the utmost faith in your sudden need to be involved with political decisions and an equal amount of less cynicism in Raven’s talent’—“

“Oh gosh, thanks, Octavia for that rousing show of confidence—“

“—I’m only saying, she will find out, Clarke” Octavia warned. “This is a gamble your own mother was not willing to make”

“Because my mother will not compromise with Lexa”

“Your mother knows this will not work. Lexa will find out. You said it yourself – she’s brilliant”

“My mother knows it will not work for _her_ ” Clarke pointed out the difference. “She’s not me”

“Okay, Princess. I know I’ve always said you would make a great Chancellor but are you forgetting the fact that Arkadia elected your mother and not you?”

“True. But my mother also isn’t dating Lexa. I am. So I have that going for me” Clarke declared with so much confidence that Octavia knew no one would convince her otherwise.

Raven, on the other hand, still had enough in her to try and stop this plan.

“Let me make one thing clear, Clarke. I am not advocating for your relationship with the Commander but if you think what you have is real and if it is important to you, going through with this will ruin it. I promise you, it will” she forewarned. “If you were in her place, how would you react when you find out?”

Clarke huffed. Raven got her. She has a no-lie policy in her relationships – platonic or romantic. It was one of the many reasons why she swore off getting into them. People by nature lie. They lie as a sport, they lie as a necessity, they lie as self-preservation and sometimes they lie because they don’t have a choice. And while she understands that it is an inescapable part of being human, she has never once forgiven a lie. It was one of the reasons why she can’t bring herself to trust her mom fully again. She knows Abby lied to her about the circumstances of her father’s death.

And she knows if Lexa was harbouring a big lie against her, it would alter their relationship.

“I’d get mad”

“You’d cut her out of your life” Raven snapped. “You’re very good at cutting people out of your life for lying to you, Clarke. I think it’s a trait you and Lexa share. The difference is you two cut differently.”

“You don’t know her like I do. She would never do anything to hurt me.”

“Doesn’t mean she would forgive you. And it doesn’t mean you won’t be hurting her. I may not know her like you do but I know enough. People like that hurt badly, Clarke. And they retaliate worse.”

Clarke was about to say that Lexa is a lot different from how she is painted publicly when something else occurred to her. Something that had occurred to Octavia as well because as soon as Clarke stared to question Raven, Octavia was already looking at her the same way.

“How do you know so much about her?” Clarke demanded.

“I’ve had talks with her second-in-command” Raven said with a shrug. “She goes by the power plant often and by the way she reveres her, it’s not hard to see what kind of person the Commander is.”

“You and Anya talk?” Octavia grimaced. “About what?”

“About…operations at the plant. School. Clarke. Lexa. Polis” Raven enumerated with caution. “And sometimes, you.”

“You talk to her about me?! Why would you do that?”

Clarke groaned in frustration.

“You know she has a thing for you which you ignore. She somehow knows I was in the same boat. It’s not hard to fall into that kind of conversation” Raven replied. “Don’t worry. I don’t spill secrets.”

“And you think I do?”

“No. I didn’t say that. I just think that if you are going to be outraged over this you might as well put it in perspective—“

“That’s enough, you two!” Clarke yelled. “I’m glad you’re talking again but I’m kinda staging something monumental here and I need you two to focus. Rae, I need you to do this and O, I need you to make sure she doesn’t get caught doing it.”

Octavia and Raven exchanged a look before nodding at her.

 “How much time do we have?” Raven asked after the room fell silent.

“We leave in 18 hours” Octavia replied.

Clarke gulped. She was hoping Lexa would stay longer. She thought Lexa would stay longer. She scolded herself for expecting that much. Here she was asking her friends to break rules and commit crimes because she knows Lexa’s priorities will always be her people and yet presumed that she would come above that duty. It was naïve, at best and plain stupid at worst.

She was not even sure what they were right now and she was already expecting a world leader to cancel trips back home for her. It was insane. How does Lexa do this dual personality thing? How can she compartmentalize? How can she be a different person when they’re together and another when she is doing her job? Aren’t the lines blurred?

“We better get going then” Raven said, packing up the stuff she brought with her.

She and Octavia had just finished strapping up the last set of blueprints when there was a loud knock on the door. Clarke who had dozed off in her thoughts of Lexa’s impending departure barely heard it. She was surprised when Octavia let Lexa in.

“Hey” Clarke’s shock masked her guilt very well.

Lexa stood there with a huge paper bag in one hand and two cans of soda in the other. She looked like she hasn’t had a wink of sleep but somehow, in Clarke’s eyes that just made her more beautiful. That and the fact that in a room full of beautiful ladies, for someone who sees and studies every detail of everything, Lexa seems to only have eyes on her.

It has become impossible not to drown in her presence.

“Commander, Raven and I will go ahead” Octavia said, already stepping out of the room.

Lexa gave a nod at her and another at Raven who hurriedly carried her not-so-concealed backpack.

“Hey” Clarke greeted again, this time softer and a little more cautious than earlier. She watched as Lexa carefully set the paper bag on the desk and took out two huge cheeseburgers and a plate of freshly sliced fruits. “You know we have a kitchen here, right?”

“It’s cordoned off” Lexa replied, still unloading more food.

“What? Why?”

“It seems that was where the intruders entered. Until we can be sure how they did it successfully, it is being held as a crime scene.”

“Like the residence wing. And the main conference room. And my mom’s private study.” Clarke recounted all the places that was put on restriction.

“Yes”

“So you decide we should eat here?”

Lexa faked a mock. “I decide we should eat. Here, was decided for me.”

Clarke gave her a mischievous smile. “My father’s study was such a lure?”

Lexa didn’t give an answer but the smile she was fighting off was answer enough. Clarke sat across from her and studied what she brought with her. It felt like a college picnic when you and your roommate are too lazy to go out of your dorm room but still want to indulge in junk food.

“You realize it’s four in the morning, right?” she asked, as she took a huge bite of the burger. Her stomach growled its appreciation.

“I have not eaten since lunch” Lexa replied.

Clarke nodded, taking her time with her burger. She frowned when she realized Lexa still has not touched anything.

“You’re staring”

“I know”

“Stop”

Lexa smiled, picked up a potato wedge and took a slow bite.

Suddenly, potato wedges are the sexiest things on the planet for Clarke.

“Have you slept at all?” Lexa asked her halfway through their meal.

Clarke shook her head. They had a good job of only talking about their food and completely avoiding the topic of the attack but it seems Lexa has grown tired of dancing around it. And it seems she had something to tell her.

“Why do you look like you have something bad to say?”

“Bad is relative”

“Do you have something bad to say?”

Lexa nodded at her.

“I’ve had my fair share of bad news, Lexa. Whatever it is, I can take it”

And it was true. She may not have a lot of faith in whatever the future holds for her but Clarke knows how to handle the bad with the good and make the most of it. It was how she came to the decision about the bomb. When she saw her mother lying helplessly, she knew she needed to step up. She knew she had to do this on her own. It would save her mother having to make the decision and because she was not a government official, it would save Arkadia’s political ties with Polis.

Plus, she really might be the only person Lexa would not behead on sight.

“In the next couple of hours, I will do something you will not approve of” Lexa started. “I want to be clear on why I’m doing it”

Clarke’s heart dropped at the bottommost pit of her stomach. She expected Lexa to have something up her sleeve but did not see her being forthcoming about it. Now, in addition to her stomach dropping, she had knots of gigantic guilt blocking her throat.

“You have to look out for your people, Lexa” she said.

“I want to be clear that I am doing it because you are important to me.”

Clarke blinked at her. There’s another thing she did not see coming. She was sure that whatever it was Lexa was going to do was as a Commander acting on the interests of her people. That was afterall the best excuse. It was airtight. No one would question it. Not even the girl in love with her. Because she would know her place in the life of one of the most powerful figures in the world.

Clarke was prepared not to question it. That was the whole point of her back-up plan. She would not question an act of state. She would oppose it but she would not ask Lexa to go against who she is.

Because that’s how you get your soulmate killed.

Clarke blinked again when Lexa did not repeat herself for her benefit.

“What?”

“You are important to me and that is why I must do what I intend to do” Lexa said every word carefully you had to be dumb to misinterpret it.

“What are you going to do, Lexa?”

“You know I cannot tell you”

“Then why tell me you’re going to do it?”

Lexa’s shrug answered it. It was a courtesy. It was respect for what they have between them. This is a personal choice. There was no politics in this disclosure. There were also no pre-emptive apologies in Lexa’s eyes, just a glint of heat that even the coolest of rain would not kill.

Forest fire.

Clarke somehow knew what they meant. She felt it again - that surge of distant memories and vague familiarity. Her own particular brand of déjà vu. She and Lexa must have had this kind of conversation before. In another life. Only she can tell it was different. Because in the present, nothing has happened yet. Inside her, as the images plague her mind, she knew that a few lifetimes ago, that was not the case. It was already too late. She was not being informed but was being explained to.

Forest fire and death.

“How many people are going to die?” Clarke asked, trying not to sound as angry as the flames dancing in Lexa’s eyes.

“None if it goes according to plan”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then I assume I would be signing a few death warrants-“

“You cannot just behead people because they’re against you!”

“It’s governance, Clarke”

“It’s dictatorship, babe and it’s primeval!”

“If it gets—“

Lexa stopped midway and the annoyance rising in her eyes turned into amusement. Clarke replayed her statement in her head and wanted to jump off the nearest window. For someone who was notorious for being guarded, she sure has no idea how to guide her own tongue from making a fool of herself.

“What did you just call me?” Lexa asked, eyes wild with amusement and alarm.

“What did I just call you?” Clarke blurted out.

“I heard it, Clarke.”

“Then don’t make me repeat it!”

“You don’t want to call me that again?”

“Not right now, I don’t”

Lexa smirked. “Not ever?”

“Well—“

“I liked it” Lexa continued with a sigh. She reached for the last piece of potato wedge and bit into it again. “I would not mind hearing it again. But only if you like it as much”

Clarke did not know how to respond not because she did not have an appropriate reaction but she literally has not met anyone who flirts the way Lexa does. It was baffling. This is someone who is both confident in who is and is more than aware of what they have going for them but is apparently not all that comfortable in taking the lead. Or if she was, would prefer that things go according to Clarke’s pace.

Clarke had to remind herself that Lexa came into the room to have dinner with her as her sort of girlfriend but had to deliver news to her as the Commander and is now being her sort of girlfriend again. If she wasn’t already dizzy from the luminous eyes still fixed on her, she would get a whiplash at how Lexa manages to separate the two aspects of her life.

“I liked saying it” she finally admitted. “But I didn’t want to. Not yet and not like this.”

Lexa nodded silently, taking a sip of her soda.

“Is it going to be that bad?” Clarke asked her when the temporary embarrassment wore off.

“I told you bad is relative.”

“How many people will be hurt in the process?”

“Maybe just one. One that means the most”

Clarke sighed. It was a constant dance with Lexa. If they were going to get through this she might spend the rest of their lives trying to figure her out. It was frustrating and maybe deep down she was starting to ache but right now she know she doesn’t mind.

It does not mean she was not scared, though. Because this conversation was starting to sound a lot like the intro to a farewell address.

“Then why are you going to do it?” Clarke’s voice was hoarse but her tone was still urgent. There was time to call off what was already ordered.

“I already told you.”

“And there is no other way?”

“This is the best way”

“So there is another way”

Lexa nodded again, just as silently.

“Can I ask you something hypothetical?”

“Is it really hypothetical?” Lexa quizzed.

“Yes” Clarke lied.

“What is it?”

“If I did something that could be perceived as an act against you but it was to protect my people, will you be able to forgive me?”

Lexa studied her for a solid minute. Clarke knew better than to look away so she did not. She held her gaze. As tensed as the situation was, it was easy. Lexa was never hard to look at.

She was difficult to lie to but over time, Clarke had gotten used to her eyes. They seek out the truth. They seek out power. They seek out fear. They seek out the souls and all that is good and bad about them. They seek out paths trodden before and paths yet to be unmasked. They seek out secrets at the same time cloaking all of hers. They seek out peace but would always gravitate towards war. They embolden purpose and weaken armies. Clarke knows Lexa would seek out what she was really saying and the only way not to be obvious about it was not to hide it. Nobody ever looks at the surface.

Lexa doesn’t. She’s not a surface kind of girl.

She is a darkest-innermost-deepest-unreachable-and-most-hidden-corner-of-your-soul kind of girl.

Difficult to lie to but not impossible as long as you know where the danger dwells. And Clarke has thought about possibly confronting Lexa about this long and hard enough to know that the danger will always be if you try to outsmart her. So she doesn’t even bother to. Instead, she leans towards what is real between them and bank on some cosmic joke that it was strong enough to hold out the lie.

For now.

Lexa cleared her throat slightly, still deep in thought trying to figure out what brought about the question.

“Well? Would you be able to?” Clarke asked again.

Lexa gave a trivial wave of her hand.

“You should know something, Clarke…the only thing I would never forgive you for is if you put yourself in such danger that I could not save you from”

Clarke’s breath hitched. She now officially feels guiltier. She can tell that maybe Lexa knows how she feels but the fact that she basically admitted to planning something that would make Clarke question what they have going for them is enough proof that this plan should push through. Raven and Octavia are probably already working on it and one slip from her would put them both at risk.

“It’s not your job to save me” was all she came up with to diffuse her guilt. “Your job is to run your country and to keep my people safe along with it”

“I’m aware”

“So you should focus on that”

“I am”

“Then why are you staring again?” Clarke teased. It was mostly to try and lighten the mood but it also doubled as changing the subject. She knew that if they stay on this topic for a little longer, she might crack. And she knew better than to trust that Lexa would not be mad at her.

Lexa allowed it and smiled.

Clarke knew she had let go of the Commander persona. She watched as she started to clean out the desk and putting away their trash silently. If they were in any other world or at any other time, Clarke knew this would still be what they were doing. And she would take immense pleasure is whiling her time away just watching Lexa put away trash and leftovers with a methodical approach.

“Now, who’s staring?” Lexa asked her, stealing a quick glance from the corner of her eye.

“I wanna try something” Clarke said, helping her put away the last bits of their meal.

Lexa hummed and waited for what it was she wanted to try.

“Lexa?”

“Yes?”

“How was your day?”

Lexa gave her a puzzled look and Clarke frowned as she beckoned for her to play along. It was cheesy as hell but Clarke felt like it was a normalcy they should both try while they still can.

“My day was trying” Lexa replied, still puzzled. “Well, my night, actually.”

Clarke rolled her eyes as if chastising her.

“You’re not doing this right” she pouted a little but let go of her scene. She walked around her father’s desk and was going to settle on the couch when Lexa grabbed her by the waist and hugged her from behind.

Clarke forgot how to breathe the minute Lexa’s lips touched ground on her shoulder. She felt them quiver so she too shook just as gently. She was afraid to turned and see Lexa’s expression. She felt safer imagining that Lexa was smiling just as unbashful as she was right now. It feels like cheating. This moment was cheating. Lexa was cheating. They were both keeping secrets and in a matter of hours they could both end up hurting each other. Except Lexa had the audacity to warn her first.

She, on the other hand, was here – imprisoned in the arms of someone she could not imagine living without. She was trapped in the only arms she would ever want to hold her. She had often thought that there are worse prison cells than the ones they put criminals in. She now realizes maybe when you love someone for all of eternity that could be the worst jail of all.

And yet she does not seek freedom.

Lexa kissed her shoulder again, more ardently if possible before resting her chin on Clarke’s shoulder wrapping her hands securely across her stomach.

“Is this okay?” she whispered nervously.

Clarke smirked before tilting her neck slightly to kiss the top of Lexa’s head.

“Depends on if you’d let go” she replied. She must have been more tensed than she realized because she meant that to sound flirtatious. Instead it came out fearful.

“I might have to” Lexa confessed.

Clarke breathed slowly and heavily. And with each breath escaping her, Lexa pulls her closer and holds her tighter.

“When?” Clarke asked as she placed a hand on top of Lexa’s. Her free one reached for Lexa’s hair. She stroked and played with the stray strands absentmindedly. Like it was an afterthought. Like she has done this so many times before. Like it was trivial. Like she would get to do it again. Like she could do it for the rest of their lives.

Lexa didn’t answer her. She just hugged her some more and Clarke knew that this really was a farewell address. She led Lexa towards the couch and as soon as she sat down, pulled her in for a hug. She saw the mild look of surprise on Lexa’s face and chuckled before reeling her in for a kiss. Lexa dutifully obliged and Clarke had to forcefully contain her grin.

This kiss was different from their first one. This one was a little more playful. A lot more comfortable and definitely less tensed. It was reassuring for Clarke to feel like this kiss was not a blind leap of faith. It was still a leap but when she kissed Lexa earlier she didn’t know how she would react. She could have leapt to her death but now with every nerve and fiber of her being, Lexa was catching her. If kisses were choreographed, this would have been an award-winning dance.

Clarke allowed Lexa to position herself squarely and securely on her lap, aware of the fact that Lexa has zero problems with spreading her legs on top of her. They probably both didn’t have the time or the right state of mind to see how they would look if someone walked in on them. Her mother could walk in those doors and she would not have cared.

Kissing Lexa sends her to a dreamlike state. She can literally feel her heart floating over planets everytime their tongues would brush past the other. She has had her kisses and she had been told that she was really good at it. But she wanted every kiss with Lexa to be perfect. Because the girl kissed like it was a prayer of devotion and Clarke was the saint.

Clarke pulled away slightly, realizing she needed to breathe. They were far from rushed or hurried or even ravenous kisses. Lexa doesn’t do brash and Clarke’s deep hunger for her could not seem to escape the slow dance. And yet they were both breathless. She took her time to study Lexa’s face again.

Lexa looks exactly like she kisses – devoted.

Clarke stole a quick peck on her lips before resting on the backrest of the couch. She waited if Lexa would essentially dismount her but she didn’t. Instead she just played with their now intertwined fingers. She stayed silent like she was waiting for Clarke to decide where they go from there.

“Lexa, are you scared?” Clarke finally asked when Lexa had started kissing her fingers one by one.

“Of?” Lexa looked up to her in between kisses.

“This. Us.”

Lexa smiled at her and whatever guilt or fear which were surfacing on Clarke’s chest vanished.

“Mhmm”

Lexa murmured something then took Clarke in for another kiss. She trailed her lips by her jaw, then to her neck and then very slowly to Clarke’s shoulder again. On the very same spot she had first kissed earlier. Clarke was about ready to just let go of whatever pretense she has at keeping her clothes when Lexa slipped off of her and laid down on the couch. She carefully pulled Clarke on top of her.

When Clarke found that somehow all of her fit the curves and spaces of Lexa’s body just perfectly, she rested her head just on Lexa’s chest, her legs intertwined with Lexa’s. She felt Lexa’s arms envelope her protectively and it was only then that she realized how tired she was. She had not allowed herself to be tired or to feel sleepy. She was on guard since she left the infirmary. Now, wasn’t.

Lexa stayed silent as she ran her fingers softly down Clarke’s back, seemingly lulling her to sleep. Clarke found the steady heartbeats inside Lexa’s chest to be melodic. Just like that night they danced on the balcony. Or her drunken blunder on the rooftop. And that night in the river.

Steady. Melodic. Familiar.

Again. Always familiar.

“This is ours, right?” she blurted out, raising her head to look at Lexa whose eyes were already closed. “Don’t you fall asleep on me!”

A smirk creeped on Lexa’s face though she kept her eyes closed.

“Lexa!”

“You are the one on top of me” Lexa teased.

Clarke reached for her chin and shook it slightly so she would open her eyes. When she did, Clarke decided to reward her with a kiss on her collarbone.

“This is ours, right?” she repeated her question as she kissed her on the same spot again. “This is not someone’s memory stuck in my brain.”

Lexa nodded at her wordlessly then went back to stroking Clarke’s back while peacefully closing her eyes.

“Are you really going to just sleep?”

“No.”

“Your eyes are closed”

“I’m awake” Lexa assured her.

Clarke rolled her eyes, pulled herself up slightly and laid her head down the crook between Lexa’s neck and chest. Another corner of this girl where she fit perfectly. She had often thought about travelling the world. When her father was alive, he had promised that as soon as she graduates college, he would allow her to go. He said she could pick any spot in the map. She had spent time looking at maps, wondering if a foreign city might be her place. She wondered if she would every find a home outside the walls her parents built for her. She wondered if she would ever fit anywhere. She wondered how that would feel like – knowing that you just belong in this place, not because you were born there or because you had family and responsibilities there. Just. Because. She was always afraid she would pick the wrong city and it would become a wasted opportunity.

Clarke remembers a trip she took with her father when she was younger. He had told her to pick a road. There were three choices in front of them. He said he won’t tell her where they would lead but whichever she picks, that was where they would spend their father-daughter weekend. She ended up picking one that leads to the canyon that separates the West Coast from the East. There was nothing for a child to do there and she hated her choice. Her dad had to come up with the craziest games and just when she was starting to enjoy their time together, he decided to turn the trip to a lesson.

Not all roads are defined but sometimes you just have to stick to the one you chose. Face it head on. They will eventually lead home. Whatever home is.

Clarke did not appreciate that lesson until she had to stick to the promise she made her parents. She would become a doctor. She would stay in Arkadia and help her mom out.

Arkadia was home. She had long accepted this and had embraced it. She had long turned away from whatever other paths which may have been available to her. This was it.

Except she would still, once in a while look at the map and wonder how many roads had she not taken. How many possible homes had she passed on? Would those have been easier? Would she have belonged there better? Would the feeling of knowing and being certain and secure that she was home instant and…unburdened?

For the first time since she studied those maps, she finally has her answer. She now knows how that feels like.

Lexa is home. She belonged here. She fit here. Perfectly. She longed to be here and to stay here. She was safe. She was secure. She was sure. This body was geography and it was mapped out just for her. To maybe someday explore, to hopefully someday dwell in. To today finally find.

Clarke trailed her free hand on the exposed part of Lexa’s chest – the parts were thankfully the buttons of her shirt had come loose. She traced her collarbone with her finger and felt the smoothness of a mark. She studied it more closely, tracking the outline like it was a road on the many maps she had spent looking over.

“How’d you get this scar?” she asked Lexa. It was about two inches long but you could hardly see it. In fact, she didn’t notice it at all if she didn’t have the liberty of having all of Lexa for herself right now. She tried to press on it gently, see if she has her mother’s magical touch of knowing how deep a wound goes. She didn’t.

“Rapelling”

Of course.

“Where were you rapelling?”

“Border Canyon”

Clarke gasped which made Lexa open one eye to see what was wrong with her. She grinned apologetically before explaining herself.

“I was just thinking about Border Canyon literally seconds ago”

Lexa raised an eyebrow.

“My dad and I went there about 10 or 11 years ago. Well, not really. We kinda just found ourselves there”

Lexa opened both her eyes in amusement.

“What?” Clarke asked with a laugh. “I can camp.”

“I got this scar about 11 years ago. Summer”

“No way!”

“I remember the date. It was August 1st, almost 11 years ago.”

Clarke’s eyes widened with horror and excitement. She opened and closed her mouth without any words coming out. She and her dad were there two days before that. It was too much of a coincidence and when she finally found the words to tell Lexa this, she just shrugged it off.

“What if we had stayed for two more days? We could have met!” Clarke said, shaking her slightly.

“Then you would have seen me bloody and hanging on for dear life on the side of a cliff” Lexa said, closing her eyes again. “Not the first impression I would have wanted.”

Clarke thought about it. She looked at the scar again. Then she noted the difference in Lexa’s voice when she said she remembered the date of her trip to the canyon.

“Why were you there?” she asked, almost regretting it immediately when Lexa took a deep breath. Clarke could feel the pace of her heartbeat quicken.

Clarke nudged Lexa with her lips when it seemed that there would not be an answer. Lexa would not budge so Clarke nibbed Lexa’s chin and teased a ghost of a kiss, as if compelling her to answer the question.

Lexa sighed and Clarke smiled when she opened her eyes with a soft reprimanding look.

“Come on. Why were you there?” Clarke asked again.

“Retrieving my father’s body”

Clarke paused to see if she was joking. It would have been a bad joke with bad timing and in an equally bad position. Only it wasn’t a joke and Lexa closed her eyes again, not seeing the apology Clarke was trying to convey. She tapped Clarke’s shoulder, telling her no apology was needed.

“You never talk about him”

“I hardly knew him. I saw him once a year and that was it. Before he died, I have not seen him for almost three years” Lexa recounted like she was bored. “There was nothing to talk about.”

“I’m sorry I asked” Clarke finally voiced out her apology. She kissed the scar and resumed her spot by Lexa’s neck, not knowing what to say now. She really did know how to ruin a mood. “I mean… Scars usually have stories I just didn’t know yours would be... I’m sorry.”

Lexa hummed then kissed the top of her head again but didn’t say anything else.

Clarke thought about how peaceful Lexa was now. She was always quiet and reserved but there was a different calm to her right now. She hoped that it was because of her. And in a moment of completely being honest with herself, she hoped that it would be enough to make Lexa stay in Arkadia a little longer. She hoped she was enough to make her stay.

She knew she wasn’t but when she pulled up again to watch Lexa seemingly sleep, she could not help where her thoughts were taking her.

“Why were you in Border Canyon?” Lexa asked, outwardly unaware that she was being surveyed by the girl who had taken residence on top of her.

“Crossroads”

Lexa’s eyebrow shot up without opening her eyes.

“My dad and I were planning this trip we take and he decided that year that I should pick where we would go to. You know where Crosspoint is?”

“That road outside the city that forks out to three different paths?”

“Yeah, that one. Well, apparently two roads lead to different countries” Clarke chuckled at her own missed opportunities of discovering other states in the continent. “And the third one that I picked is an eight-hour road trip through the desert that ends in our side of Border Canyon.”

“11 years ago…”

“Yes”

11 years ago, if timing had permitted, she would have met Lexa already.

“You think if we have met then, we would have started this war then?” she asked now that she has Lexa’s full attention.

“I was not Commander then” Lexa answered nonchalantly. “Do you really want to talk about the legend again?”

“I don’t”

“Yes, you do”

Clarke frowned at her. She really did not want to talk about the legend especially since she knows it annoys Lexa. She just has her questions especially now that she knows they could have met before. If they had met sooner, when Lexa was still not Commander and her father was only Vice-Chancellor, would those circumstances have allowed them a better chance of making this relationship work?

Then again she was about 10 years old at the time so maybe not.

“I wish we had met sooner” Clarke murmured. “Like, better timing.”

“You think timing is our problem?”

“Anya seems to think so”

“Ah. So she did give you that speech”

“It wasn’t a speech!” Clarke defended, her hand brushing Lexa’s face to physically try and wipe out the smug look on her face. “And I needed to hear it.”

Lexa’s slight frown at the statement was disconcerting.

Clarke suddenly felt very conscious that she said something wrong. She wanted Lexa to voice out her concern but this was someone who clearly hates explaining herself. It was starting to feel less annoying to Clarke and very much…endearing.

“Did I say something wrong?” she asked.

Lexa shook her head slowly. She did not look like she was sure that there was nothing wrong.

“You needed to hear it?”

“Yeah?”

“And if Anya had not told you, would we be here right now?”

Clarke heard the apprehension that was carefully masked under a rehearsed casual demeanor from Lexa. She had never actually thought about it. Of course she needed something that gave them a chance especially after hearing that they never really get their happy endings in the past. But that was all it was. She just needed assurance. She would still have gone after Lexa. Why was that being doubted now?

“Of course” she answered. “Why wouldn’t you think so?”

Lexa shrugged.

“You think things would have been different if Anya had not sought me out?”

Lexa avoided her eyes while playing with the necklace she had given her.

“Lexa!”

“Sssssh”

Clarke grabbed Lexa’s chin again and made her face her. “You really think that, don’t you? You think that’s what made me go find you that night!”

“You’re the one who said you needed to hear it” Lexa pointed out. It wasn’t accusatory or even bitter. She wasn’t even mad or hurt. She was simply stating a fact and as much as that was very objective of her, Clarke hated it. It would have been easier if Lexa matched her annoyance.

“I was already on my way to find you!”

“Okay”

“That’s all you have to say?” Clarke demanded.

“Yes” Lexa smiled and toyed with the necklace some more.

Clarke wondered if this was a distraction. If it was, it was working. But only slightly because she was still annoyed at how Lexa would think that she was prodded by Anya. If she remembers correctly, she’s not the one who needs any prodding. She’s not even the one who won’t believe the legends.

“Hey”

“Hmm?”

“I was already on my way to find you” she repeated with more ardous vigor.

Clarke wanted that to be unquestionable. She wanted to be unquestionable. She didn’t want Lexa doubting any part of her. Not because she hatched a plan that could ruin them just an hour or so ago but because this was real. And she needed it to be real to the both of them.

“You were on your way to find me” Lexa smiled at her before lifting her head for a quick kiss. “And you did”

“I always seem to”

“So they say”

“Why do you refuse to believe it?”

Lexa looked like she wanted to change the topic as she uncomfortable shifted under Clarke.

“Sorry” Clarke quickly apologized, not wanting to spoil their little scene. “I know you hate talking about it—“

“If I believed it, it would mean that we are at the beginning of our end” Lexa cut her off. “That if I leave Arkadia later, I might never see you again. That when war comes, it will take you away from me. That when it all ends, we might be different people again. That it might take another lifetime for us to meet. And maybe then, I still would not believe we’ve already met. That I’ve already lo—That I’ve already known you.”

Clarke caught the beginnings of the word she didn’t know she was ready to hear. She knew she wanted to hear it. She just wasn’t sure she wants to hear it now.

No, definitely not now.

She also caught something else. Something Lexa was not telling her. There was another reason why she refuses to believe in the legend.

“I believe it” Clarke said with a sure smile. She was afraid of all the things Lexa was afraid of too. She even have more reason to be afraid simply because neither Anya nor Indra had a version in which the Commander outlived the Chancellor’s daughter. But they were already basing all their decisions on fear. This should not be one of those.

Lexa had a bomb made for fear of losing the war. Clarke had tasked her friends to tamper with the same bomb for fear that Lexa might end up using it on Arkadia. She was keeping this from Lexa for fear that she really would ruin what they have and Lexa was here in the first place because she presumably feared that Clarke would not think she is important to her.

It’s the same as the two other roads that Clarke didn’t pick when her father presented the choices to her. There was something about them that made her feel nervous. So she picked one that literally had nothing to offer her other than the desert. It was the safe choice. It was a poor choice. She should not have allowed fear and uncertainty make that choice.

Even if, indirectly, maybe she was already choosing Lexa.

“I believe it because can you imagine the alternative?”

“The alternative would be you are definitely going crazy with visions in your mind?”

Clarke hit her squarely on the jaw harder than she had intended. Lexa didn’t flinch but she did look surprised. She tried taking a snap at Clarke’s hand with her teeth but Clarke hit her again – this time softer and with more affection.

“I’m trying to be serious here” Clarke whined playfully at her. “Take me seriously for two seconds, will you?”

“We have been nothing but serious” Lexa pointed out.

“Okay sure but I mean, about this! Is it so wrong that I believe the legend? That some part of me believes that maybe we have had this conversation before? That we have beaten insurmountable odds before? That I’ll still find you even if we lose each other again?” Clarke’s question sounded like a plea to her ears. She wanted it to sound romantic.

Lexa’s breathing was more romantic than her entire statement, she lamented.

“No it is not wrong”

“But?”

“I simply do not share such belief”

Clarke pouted but did not argue. Something else popped in her mind when she noticed that Lexa’s attention was split between her and her necklace. She remembered that Anya had said that it was a story best told by Lexa. She eyed the girl serenely fidgeting with it and debated asking her not. They were already on tense waters when she had brought up the legend and she still had the little secret on the back of her mind. And Lexa looked like she was enjoying their current position a little too much that any changes might bring about a foul mood.

“This is a rare gem. Rarest of its kind” Lexa whispered as she tugged on the necklace slightly so Clarke would stop spacing out. “That is what you were thinking about, right?”

Clarke blushed and buried her face in the locks of her loose hair.

“Maybe” she muttered.

“Did Anya also tell you about where it came from?”

Clarke shook her head. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to though.”

Lexa sighed laboriously and a little too dramatically for Clarke’s liking. She gently pulled the both of them up and leaned on the armrest of the couch, pulling Clarke closer to her. Clarke shifted her position from lying on Lexa to leaning her back on her. She smiled when Lexa’s hands and arms snaked around her waist and she earned herself another hug and kiss on the shoulder.

“But you want to know” Lexa somewhat scolded her. “How much do you want to know?”

“Why is it special? Indra told me not to lose it”

“It is said to have superpowers”

Clarke chuckled and bumped the back of her head against Lexa’s chin in complaint of the terrible joke.

“I am serious!”

“It’s not magical, Lexa. There’s no such thing”

Clarke heard Lexa scoff and mutter something about her being the one who believed in legends. She ignored it and urged for Lexa to give a proper explanation.

“It is a symbol of protection” Lexa amended. “They really do say it is magical. A long time ago.”

“How long?”

“A couple of centuries. You remember the story of when Polis was burnt to the ground?”

Clarke nodded, feeling chills escape her spine as she reheard Indra’s voice in her head. On instinct, she hugged the arms already hugging her. Lexa soothed her gently in whispers she could barely hear.

“This gem was found in the ashes” Lexa continued her story when Clarke’s shudders have subsided. “It is a small piece from the original mineral. The original – and this I actually researched and confirmed so it is not blind faith on legends passed down – was a healing stone used by alchemists as a catalyst when they made medicine in the olden days. It has always been rare and people lost their lives mining for it. It was a prized piece of the earth and not many knew what to do with it. Very, very few people knew how to wield what makes it special”

Clarke craned her neck to see if she was merely humouring her with the connection to the legend. But Lexa doesn’t humor and the faraway look in her eyes made Clarke all the more interested in the origins of her pendant.

“The huge chunk of it was a gift from your people to mine” Lexa said. “But after the attack, most of it was destroyed. They don’t know how this piece survived but it was found in the ashes. Anya said some rebels wanted it for its rumored power. She said they wanted to burn it because it was a piece of what made Commanders strong. They tried burning it when it was stolen once. It would not burn”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. Chemistry? Its healing element?”

 Clarke rolled her eyes at her. “Okay? So how did it become a pendant? And is it still – you know, useful if I wanted to like…heal people with it?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Its supposed power has faded over time. Now, it is simply the rarest of gems. The last of its kind. A piece from a past forged with wonders…perfected over time. Priceless.”

“Where is the love story in this?”

Lexa paused and took a deep breath again, like it pained her to tell the story. Clarke turned to look at her and was surprised to see her eyes sparkling. Like a dorky teenager going on her first date. It took most of Clarke’s remaining self-control not to kiss the grin on her lips.

“It was not always a pendant for a necklace” she said with the brand of playful smirk that sends Clarke’s sense into overdrive. “It was part of a ring. The ring that Commander gave your ancestor on their engagement. Back then it was not as common a practice as it is now. I think the stories claim it was given more as a token to keep our two nations united and as a symbol of our history and goodwill than a promise to marry someone someday. And at that time, they still thought the gem had some sort of protection spell for the bearer. So this ring, with this gem was especially made for her. Imbued with a new kind of magic to keep her safe for all time”

Clarke watched as Lexa smiled all throughout her narration not like a believer but like someone who had genuine interest and fascination on this piece of jewelry.

“Since then, I am told it travels back and forth our people. Always as a gift.”

Clarke thought about the night she received the necklace. They had not known anything about each other then. There was nothing going on between them then. They had no clue about the legend and as much as there was clear attraction and obvious flirtation, neither could have known that they would both end up in a position where they would be protective of each other.

“So why did you give it to me?” she asked. “You couldn’t have known I would need it in the same context as our past lives.”

“Ancestors” Lexa corrected her.

“Whatever. Why’d you give it to me?”

Lexa shrugged. “I did not have anything else to give you.”

“You didn’t have to give me anything at all. You still don’t.”

Lexa didn’t say anything so Clarke didn’t pry anything else from her. She just leaned into the hug and felt her heavy eyelids starting to defeat her.

“Thank you” she said, closing her eyes. She could feel sleep was starting to consume her and she knew that even if she would fight it, she would not win. “I think I might fall asleep.”

Clarke felt Lexa chuckle.

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

“Yes.”

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

“It’s okay if you have to go…”

It really was not okay but she felt like she needed to say it just so Lexa would know that she understands her. And she would understand whatever it was Lexa had planned. Plus, she tends to say things she normally would not when she was drifting between consciousness. She figured it was better that her tongue had opted to say these words instead of the three that she was not yet ready to say. The three that she knows to be true.

But, timing.

Timing is their problem.

Along with nuclear bombs and wars of ancient origins.

Timing.

“I will be here when you wake up” Lexa assured her. Her voice was somewhere far now. She didn’t sound like she was still in the room with her but the safety of her embrace argued otherwise.

“Promise it”

“I promise I will be here when you wake up” Lexa obliged her in the same voice from afar.

There was something about falling asleep to her voice and it being the last thing you hear from reality before you drift into your dreams. Or her lips being the last things to have touched your skin before your senses take their leave. It was the kind of magic Lexa would not believe.

Light magic. Powerful. True. Bright.

It feels like there was always going to be that beacon to guide her back to the real world no matter how seductive her dreams would get in asking her to linger a little longer. It felt like Lexa’s voice would be both the guide and the reminder. Clarke’s guide on how to get back to reality and her reminder that it’s okay to be awake now because the reality finally has real angels and not just real demons. Even if her own personal angel does have a demonic side.

Especially since her personal angel has a demonic side.

Dreams had now only become vacations and reality was home.

Lexa is home. Home is real. Clarke can go home. Home will always have just one road, one path and it is now only one choice. _The_ choice. Because basically all roads would lead to Lexa. All she has to do is choose her. Choosing her would mean that no matter the other choices she will make in the future, the end will still be it. It will still be Lexa.

Over and over again. Like all her past lives have. Like that day when her dad asked her to pick her path.

She had picked Lexa. Part of her had picked Lexa. She had always picked Lexa. She was always her choice. Even if she didn’t know it then.

Clarke had grown up knowing that a path was laid out for her. Her future was set no matter how much her mother would convince her that she can make whatever she wants out of life. She never had control. Not in the way she would have wanted to have it. For the first time since she was made aware of the kind of life her family has, she understands her role and she can be accepting of where she stands. Because  she now realizes that her carved out fate was never just medicine or politics or an active role in society or the world stage. While she can still live out her father’s legacy, help her mother’s causes and do her part in keeping their nation intact and their people safe, this was never her ultimate purpose.

It was Lexa. It _is_ Lexa.

Everything else will just have to fall in line and fall in place.

They are soulmates and they have a shared fate and for the first time in Clarke’s life, as much as there are questions and uncertainties and looming deception concocted and admitted by the both of them, fate was not something she was afraid of. Because it is shared.

And with someone she…loves.

Has loved.

Will love.

Love.

_Don’t sleep talk, Clarke. Don’t._

Clarke felt herself trying to wrestle her dream self into not talking. Or at least it felt like it but instead of waking up or instead of finding Lexa trying to calm her down like she did back when they shared the tent, she found herself in all new surroundings.

Suddenly she was not in her father’s study or in Lexa’s arms. She was in that crossroads again. The one her dad had taken her all those years ago. Only this time there weren’t four roads to choose from. Just three. It was as if the extra road was wiped out completely.

Three roads. Three paths.

Three choices.

One behind her.

One on her right. Unknown. Tempting.

One on her left. Familiar. Calling out to her.

Clarke heard her father’s voice again. It was as clear as when they had first been here. It is as real as when he was alive and she was awake. He was asking her to pick. Urging her. Alarming her. Like he was on a hurry and Clarke was running on a deadline. He was also cautioning her. He said he could go back the road she had taken to get to where is now. The road that lies behind her. No one will judge her for going back and no one will be angry if she stays.

But staying meant letting go of what must leave.

Her father asks if she’s ready to let go. He asks if he knows that what must leave will leave and if she chooses to walk on the path behind her, staying would mean goodbye. Was she ready for that? He asks her like he already knows the answer.

Clarke could take the road on her left. Her father is clear – it is dangerous. He knows this to be a fact. It is paved with devastating heartache, noble sacrifice and unimaginable pain. But also fulfilment. And of promise. A happiness unknown to most and gifted to the very special ones. This path is treacherous but if she looks deep within her she would know how to navigate it. She would know how to survive it. And she could conquer it. She has everything she needs in her. If she looks deep enough, she would know she has walked it before. She knows this road. She knows what lies in the end. This path was calling to her for a reason.

Her father advises her that even if she feels like she should answer it, no one can force her to. It should be her choice. Otherwise the end will not be worth it.

Then the unknown path. For a while, she loses her father’s voice. She panics. Losing him once was enough. Then he speaks again and Clarke wishes too much that this was real. That he really is back and not just a manifestation of her subconscious.

He tells her she has never walked this path. Neither has her father. No one has. No one in history has dared. He cautions her once more – there must be a reason why no one has walked it. But here it was. It is a choice and it is in front of her.

Clarke takes a step forward then she hears her dad asking her if she was sure. She throws a cocky smile into the universe.

Of course she is.

How could she not be?

“Clarke” her father’s voice stopped her. It did not sound disappointed or disapproving. Only ominous. Like a storm cloud or a soft thunder miles away. “What do you see?”

Clarke strained to look beyond her. There was nothing there. Nothing different. Nothing she has not seen before and nothing that was not already there. Just paths. And clear horizons.

And green.

Lots of green.

Life. And hope. And…beauty.

Iridescent.

Clarke opened her eyes and while everything else was blurry, she would know this kind of green anywhere.

“Good morning, beautiful” Lexa murmured with concerned eyes. “Bad dream?”

Clarke shook her head slightly before letting her surroundings form the new picture of reality. She and Lexa had somehow resumed their earlier position. She no longer had her back to Lexa, instead they were chest to chest, with her on top and Lexa cradling her with gentle precision and protective affection. All the pillows on the couch were on the floor now too save the one under Lexa’s head.

“Was I sleep talking?” she asked Lexa, surprised at how hoarse her voice was. It only ever gets that way when she oversleeps. “How long was I out?”

“You were talking. Just not in anything I could understand…” Lexa answered her with a fascinated albeit teasing grin. “And you were out…for hours. The sun has risen.”

Clarke diverted her eyes to the window and saw the rays sneaking in through the blinds. She doesn’t feel like she has hours of sleep. That felt like five minutes. Lexa rubbed her shoulders, trying to ease what must have been her obvious distraction.

“As I told you it would” Clarke said when Lexa’s frown had replaced the best morning greeting Clarke has had in her life.

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her. She looks like she has slept too. Maybe not as much as Clarke has.

“I told you the sun will rise. You know, after it set last night and you were all negative about it” Clarke told her, reaching up for a morning kiss. “Good morning, Commander.”

“Ah, the Chancellor’s daughter schooling me on basic facts of how this planet operates” Lexa teased her in between pecks.

“How much sleep did you get?” Clarke asked, tapping a careful finger at the shadows under Lexa’s eyes. “Did I keep you up?”

“Yes”

“Lexa!”

“I like watching you sleep”

“Lexa!”

Lexa laughed and hugged her tighter.

“Was it a bad dream?” she asked when Clarke finally hugged her back.

Was it? Did that count as bad? Nothing actually happened. And even if something had happened, Clarke had already set her mind on which path she would choose. There was nothing in her sleeping state and the one wide-awake now which regrets such a choice. So it was not a bad dream but Lexa’s tone of worry and inescapable gaze makes Clarke feel that maybe she was less calm and less sure in real-time than she was in dreamworld.

“No…” Clarke replied thoughtfully. “Not really. It was just weird.”

“Oh?”

“I sort of heard my dad… And I was back at that crossroad place I told you about? And I don’t know. He was making me pick a road but never said why I should pick. Just that I had to” Clarke delicately recounted.

Lexa’s face was stoic but encouraged her to continue talking with a protective squeeze on the shoulder.

“And I did… I guess, I did. Make a choice. Then he asked me what I saw…”

“What did you see?”

Clarke met Lexa’s eyes and searched for the right words to describe them. She can never seem to find anything that would suffice. Words would probably never do Lexa justice. They would never be enough because there are things in this world that are never meant to be describe. You have to see them for yourself. Feel them for yourself. Know them for yourself.

Choose them for yourself.

“Clarke? What was it? What did you choose?”

Clarke smirked into the kiss she gave Lexa as an answer. Lexa was more than willing to reciprocate this post-waking up make out session but the hesitant breaks between their kisses tells Clarke that as much as this was probably how they would prefer to spend the rest of their day, Lexa was waiting for an answer.

She slowly pulled away and just when Lexa was about to ask her again, stole another quick kiss.

“Guess” she ordered.

“Too early for guessing games” Lexa complained. “What did you choose, Clarke?”

Clarke sighed. She was never going to pull off melodic sentiment, romantic gestures and poetic reveals. At least not as effortlessly or naturally as Lexa would. But she can do one thing. She can be sure and she can be unwavering in her choices. And no matter what else she had chosen before Lexa walked into her life and no matter what she had decided before Lexa walked into this room, there is no doubt about the road will chooses now.

Danger, be damned.

“You” she whispered, the conviction making up for whatever volume she could not muster.

Lexa looked surprise and fought off a smirk before trying to feign both interest and flattery. She looked away, making Clarke giggle victoriously.

“I just made you all giddy inside, didn’t I?” Clarke teased her.

Lexa grunted like it wasn’t a big deal but the twitch on the corner of her mouth confirmed Clarke’s mini win.

“What were the other choices?” Lexa tested her.

Clarke looked up to meet her eyes again and while she was sure this was part of their teasing, something about Lexa’s focus revealed that the answer was important to her.

“Does it matter?” Clarke asked coyly.

“Maybe it should” Lexa contemplated.

Clarke shook her head with steady defiance and sure assurance. Whatever it was that made Lexa want to know the other choices will not ruin this morning for them. Because whatever concerns they were, Clarke had already seen the choices. They have been laid out in front of her and she had already made her choice.

That left road. She knows it. She has walked it before.

She just has to dig a little deeper within her to walk it again. To survive it again.

To find what she knows has always been waiting for her in the end.

This.

Her.

Lexa.

The other choices did not matter. Not to her. Maybe Lexa is right and maybe they should matter. But for what? Clarke has lives behind her and within her proving that reality can change over and over again but she will still make the same choice. Just because there are other paths does not mean you should take them. Sometimes, all you need is one. If it’s the right one. And she knows this is the right one. It will hurt. It will take a lot of work. And what was it her father said?

_A noble sacrifice._

What else is new? None of this will ever be easy. History proves that as well. At some point, they will have to get off this couch and out of this room. At some point she might have to tell Lexa about what Octavia and Raven are up to right now or at some point, they will disagree and fight over nuclear bomb. At some point she has to do something about the barbaric laws of Lexa’s governance.

And yes, at some point Lexa will leave.

At some point.

“Hey” Clarke said, cradling Lexa’s face. “They don’t matter”

“For now.”

“For…always” Clarke promised her with a fervent kiss.

Lexa shut up and just kissed her back. No hesitations. No doubts. No more questions. Just time and space and a whole universe colliding between their lips. Time borrowed, space owned and universe claimed.

This was her path.

**_The rest…will just have to fall into place._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure - this was not supposed to be the entire chapter. There was supposed to be another half which I have started writing but could not finish. One, because I find it would make this update longer than it already is. It would be twice the length and I could not find a balance in tones and moods of a chapter that long. Two, because it was increasingly becoming difficult with the events in said half mirroring parts of my current personal life. The good and the bad were equally hard to write. And three, because I could not bring myself to do anything that would alter their morning. :) I guess that chunk will have to be part of the next chapter.
> 
> I apologize for the wait and if the wait was not worth it. And I've only re-read this once so I'm sure terrible clerical errors are abundant. I will try and fix those soon. I just wanted to post this now in case I will not have the time this weekend. 
> 
> As always, feel free to just be totally honest with me about how you find the chapter. I really wanna hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!


	10. Deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth is the one weapon Lexa does not know how to use.

(Lexa's POV)

“Commander, eight minutes until take off”

Eight minutes.

Eight minutes left for the course of things to be permanently altered.

Was that all it takes? Eight minutes to run away from what could have been her personal worst hours in any country ever? Lexa stole a glance at her watch but kept her eyes on the window, her gaze fixed on the empty runway. She could hear chatter build up in her personal cabin but the voices in her head are louder.

No, not voices. Voice.

Clarke’s.

She tried not to smile – fondly or otherwise – as she thought back on the last peaceful moments she shared with Clarke on the couch. Being where she was now, she could hardly believe she ever let her go. It was a perfect world, that cramped and dusty room with the old couch and pillows on the floor. And Clarke feeling secure in her arms.

Clarke would drift in and out of sleep and while Lexa would keep checking her watch, she didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was time for them to leave their hideaway. There was business to be taken care of and in a matter of minutes, consequences of last night will finally catch up to them.

 “How long do I have you for?” Clarke asked when she caught her checking her watch while Lexa thought she had fallen asleep again.

The question struck Lexa weirdly. She replayed it in her head and somehow the conventional answer of a specific number of minutes did not ring right to her. Because that is not how long Clarke has her. Clarke can have her forever if she wanted. And she wanted Clarke to want her forever. And part of her already knows that Clarke does. She practically just said it but Lexa also knows when and in what context this was said.

Clarke would not want her in a few hours. 

“What?” Lexa murmured, still trying to pacify her thoughts.

She must have looked slightly distracted because Clarke reached up and kissed her chin to steal back her stray attention. She has mastered the art of winning Lexa’s focus in the most pleasing ways.

“Don’t you have to go?” Clarke asked again, trying to sit up on the couch but Lexa only pulled her back down. She scoffed playfully at her but didn’t fight it. She placed her head by Lexa’s neck and kissed it again. “They’ll be looking for you.”

“Oh.”

“How much time do we have left?” Clarke repeated her query.

Lexa still did not know what kind of answer she was to give. The responsible thing would be to just give an ETA until Anya would burst through those doors. The selfish thing would be to ask Clarke to come with her to Polis. But there was no correct answer. No right move. So she just hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. She trailed her kisses until her lips reached Clarke’s temple and then to her forehead. When Clarke looked up at her, she was not quick enough to hide the longing from her eyes.

Clarke must have understood it immediately because she tugged on Lexa’s collars for a kiss. Lexa obliged all too willingly, the burning sensation of desire overtaking the anxiety she was already fighting off.

“Is it a stupid question to ask if you would consider staying when I already know you can’t?” Clarke asked her when the kisses slowed down.

“No” Lexa replied gently. She appreciated that Clarke closed her eyes while she waited for the answer. It allowed her to gather herself. “But you might not want me to once we walk out those doors.”

Clarke frowned at her, as if completely forgetting what she had warned her about a few hours ago.

“I want you to” she declared.

Again, Lexa did not know how to respond to that. It was mainly because she knows that sentiment will change but also because it was the first time anyone has told her that she wants her to stay. Not because of her power or her position or her name. There was nothing but raw hearts and wearied souls on the table. There was no agenda other than a possible future together. How does someone who never had to handle anything as precious and fragile as these deal with them now, at a time when the world outside these doors was at its reckoning point?

“What you said earlier? What if it were me?” Lexa asked her quietly. She avoided her eyes until she missed them too much. “What if it were me who did something I know you would oppose? Will you ever forgive me?”

“Would you apologize?” Clarke tried to tease but Lexa knew that there was a hint of resentment there because she already knew the answer.

“No.”

Clarke smiled at her like she expected it. She didn’t say anything else. She just allowed herself to be pulled closer and hugged tighter by Lexa.

“Really though, how long do we have?” she whispered when both their breaths evened out, threatening slumber.

Lexa smirked at her. “You ask how much time we have. Should we not worry on what we do with it?”

Clarke’s jaw slowly slacked before a glint of mischief riddled her eyes. Lexa could feel herself blush as Clarke started tickling her on the sides as a tease on the question just posed.

“Commander, are you suggesting—“

“Do not call me Commander” Lexa groaned, both finding it weird now that they're tangled up and finding it impossibly difficult not to laugh or smile at Clarke’s touch.

There is a hunger there.

A hunger for companionship that is open, reliable and true. It’s a yearning for someone to spend nights with, enjoy mornings with, talk about everything with. It’s a longing to be of use to someone who does not put your rank above your value or more importantly, who puts your rank as your value. It’s this pang of ache that swells in her to protect someone who completes her and be protected by someone she knows she completes too.

And then there is this undeniable thirst that her whole body craves to quench.

A thirst desiring someone on a purely physical and intensely intimate level. She should have recognized it and she should have held back her tongue from uttering such a suggestion.

The problem is her tongue would likely want to be busy doing something else.

“Why not?”

Lexa shifted uncomfortably. If she gets lost in her thoughts, she would almost for certain end up getting lost in Clarke’s body. And as much as every fiber in her being would freely give in to that, it is this basic human trait that reminds her why it was not time. That will only cause unnecessary wounds.

Lexa gulped, trying to look away from Clarke’s embolden eyes – an ocean worth drowning in or a sky you should never fall from. Stopping the rest of her from crossing boundaries with Clarke will take more strength than stopping her hands from going lower than Clarke’s back. And she was already losing this battle. In fact, she can tell she was starting to sweat. She bit her lower lip and that was when she knew she was at a breaking point.

Clarke laughed at her. “So how would you propose we use our remaining time, Lexa?”

Lexa gave up and looked straight into Clarke’s eyes once more, this time to study her. Between the two of them, it is fairly obvious that it is Clarke who does not bother hiding flirtation at this very moment.

“It’s up to you” Lexa finally decided.

In Lexa’s head, she convinced herself that it really was not Clarke’s call because she would have been able to stop them. This was more as a sign of respect. But she knows deep down that first, she would not have been able to stop anything from going further and second, as much as this was her way of respecting lines drawn between them, it really was about knowing that they were not ready for it. Just that she needed Clarke to realize this as well.

“Up to me?”

Lexa smiled, assuring her. “Always”

“That’s a first” Clarke scoffed.

Lexa could tell the mood has changed. She played with Clarke’s necklace again and waited for the girl on top of her to elaborate. When Clarke didn’t, her trembling hand slowly traced the side of Clarke’s cheeks, edging her on to speak of what has ruined their “playtime.”

“Nothing is ever up to me” Clarke mumbled.

“That is not true”

“Yes, it is. Not my career, not where I live, not how I express my views. I don’t even have a say on how to handle this war. I don’t have say it anything”

Lexa stroked Clarke’s hair before kissing the tip of her nose.

“Nobody can make you do anything you do not want to do” she said, soothingly. “You are going to medical school because compassion and brilliance are part of you. You would make an absolutely fantastic doctor. You decided to go, even if it may have been someone else’s plan. You decided. As for this war, I think you have made your thoughts very clear. While you may not have the final say, you influence more than you think. People listen to you. You just never realize it because you always hear other people’s voices first.”

“They only listen to me because I’m somebody’s daughter. And now, they listen because they’re afraid of you”

“They listen because they know you are right and of every single person in this mansion, you are the only one who is not tainted by malice nor ruined by cynicism or jaded by the harshness of humanity. Your judgment, Clarke, is clearer than the politicians and the warriors who have seen far too many horrors on this planet”

It was true. Lexa loves this about Clarke. It also scares the hell out of her because for how ever long she has tried looking at the world in Clarke’s eyes, she has seen beauty and hope and faith in humanity which would have been enough to end all wars. But this kind of faith and ideals also take so much away from the person who bears it.

Clarke looks at her skeptically. “Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ coming?”

“I admire this resolve of yours. Everyone here should as well. It will bring your nation much triumph”

“Again, but?”

“But not all triumphs are shared. Some victories elude even the strongest of allies”

“You think I would screw you over?” Clarke asked her, her voice caught in her throat.

Lexa did not want to think about why Clarke suddenly asked her that. That was not where the point was heading at all. But she has been too trained to weed out these things that she could no longer shake off the feeling that what Clarke had asked her earlier was not at all hypothetical. She is now almost certain Clarke had done something she should not have.

“I’m not adverse to… _all_ kinds of screwing”

Clarke rolled her head back in laughter and on any other time it would have been a clumsy move but Lexa simply found it alluring. Her careful hands traveled up Clarke’s neck, half for support and half to appease her longing for more skin contact. When Clarke did not stop laughing, she squeezed the back of her neck gently, as if both reprimanding her and telling her that she was getting embarrassed.

Lexa smiled into the kiss that Clarke gave as an apology.

“I like it when you let your guard down with me” Clarke murmured into her lips. “You should do it more often.”

“Would that be wise?” Lexa tested.

“As long as the world is not watching…when it’s just you and me”

“And how often does that happen?” Lexa asked, her lips quivering at the ghost kisses Clarke keeps teasing her with.

“Not often enough”

Lexa stopped a kiss with a gaze. Clarke looked at her a little curiously but allowed the pause. Anyone who would have the privilege to observe Lexa would know that she is a pensive person, her thoughts always so far away even though such fact was well-masked by her ability to be decisive, present with an undeniable consuming presence. She knows this of herself too. It was one of the very first things Anya had told her when they were younger. Anya thought it was a trait telling of what kind of Commander she would be.

As the light from the sun continues to pour into the room to remind them of what awaits them, Lexa wonders if this trait will save her from heartbreak as it has from war or fraudulent peace treaties.

Lexa felt like she was drowning again. She could read Clarke’s confusion on why the sudden need to just look at her and she could see that there were secrets she was trying to hide from her. Layered underneath the affection which had broken free from the uncertainty that caged it, there were secrets that Lexa did not notice before. A tight knot had formed in Lexa’s throat and while Clarke stares adoringly at her now, she struggled to make sense of what her guts were telling her.

“You’ve never looked at me like this before” Clarke said, slowly pulling herself up.

“Like what?”

“Like you see something you don’t like”

Lexa sighed. “I guess I have never seen you like this before.”

“Like what?”

“Like you did something you know I would not like”

Clarke pulled herself up and Lexa knew that whatever spell they were on was instantly broken. She sat up properly and very reluctantly allowed Clarke to untangle herself from her. She started buttoning up her shirt when Clarke reached for her hand.

“I want to kiss you” Clarke said. “But I don’t want you to think it means anything other than me wanting to kiss you.”

Lexa’s lips twitched uncontrollably to a mocking smirk. “What else do kisses mean, Clarke?”

“I’m sorry. I’m hiding something from you. This is a lie. I’m just playing with you. And…well. Goodbye” Clarke enumerated satirically. “Take your pick.”

“I see. And this kiss would mean?”

“That I like kissing you…”

“And you fear I would take it as…?”

Clarke took a deep breath and when she faced Lexa, her eyes swelled of apologies for a yet unknown fault.

“Goodbye. I don’t want it to seem like goodbye.”

Lexa nodded then shifted her leg to the side, effectively spreading her legs once more so Clarke could crawl up to her again. She pulled her as gently as she could while making it as obvious as possible that she likes kissing her too. Clarke’s lips were sure; hers were shaking.

Clarke was holding on. Lexa knew her kisses were bidding farewell.

She felt Clarke’s hand wander to the buttons on her shirt. She heard a frustrated groan from her when her fingers found the buttons have been redone. Lexa leered into the kiss and Clarke punished her with a playful but jarring bite on her upper lip. She hissed slightly but didn’t complain. If the bite will bear injury, it’s one she will wear proudly.

Clarke started unbuttoning her shirt when she decided against better judgment she did not have to strength to turn her away. Not only because Clarke is about as alluring as a temptress but because she knows that she wouldn’t need any form of temptation to want all of Clarke. So she disregarded the fact that she already heard footsteps from outside the door and voices arguing over one another. She placed both hands and grabbed Clarke by the bum, at first to just pull her up but when Clarke released a tone of welcomed surprise, she smirked again and knew she need not ask permission to go beyond the fabric.

Only she never did.

They never did because just as Clarke finally relieved her lips and started kissing her neck, the doors of the study burst open and in walked Anya, with Octavia and Raven in tow.

It was almost a good thing that Lexa essentially still had her hand on Clarke’s ass otherwise Clarke would have fallen off of her in a leap of surprise.

“Commander— sorry, wow-- I—I---“ Anya shifted back and forth from trying to look away and trying to take in the sight in front of her more clearly. “I don’t believe we have ever been in…this kind of situation before.”

“I would hope not” Clarke slurred through her increasingly pink cheeks.

Raven was already snickering while Octavia just watched them like they were a train wreck.

Lexa supposed they did resemble one. At least whoever entered the room last had the good sense to shut the doors because if any of the guards outside saw this scene, Lexa might have had to threaten cutting their tongues out to keep their discretion.

“This better be important” Lexa finally said when Clarke managed to crawl off of her.

Clarke took a quick glance at her when they both stood up and found that all of her top’s buttons were already undone. Lexa gave an awkward grin of appreciation when Clarke grabbed a small throw pillow from the floor and shoved it against her chest to cover her up. It was sweet and gawky and enough to make Lexa mutter an inaudible thank you before buttoning up.

Octavia wolf-whistled and both Raven and Anya turned to her in the most judgmental and sternest reprimanding look possible. Clarke glared. Lexa did not have the time to react because she already noticed Anya was holding blueprints of an all-too familiar design.

“Anya” she said carefully, eyes fixed on the roll in her second-in-command’s hand. “Is that what I think it is?”

“I found these two in the mainframe” Anya said, waving a dismissive hand at Raven and Octavia.

Lexa narrowed her eyes at her. Anya seems bored more than anything. She did not even look angry. In fact, she almost looked impressed if it were not for her disdain at the inconvenience Clarke’s two friends caused.

“Let me guess. You were looking for my bomb” Lexa asked pointedly.

Octavia and Raven avoided her eyes and ignored the question. Lexa turned to Clarke whose own eyes were on the blueprint.

“You sent your friends to steal my bomb?” Lexa asked calmly. She could feel the memories last few hours fade into a whirpool of anger and defeat. She should have known Clarke would pull something like this. She had thought about it but she was so focused with her own plight of whether to warn Clarke of what she had done that she had overlooked what was being done to her. “You wanted to steal my bomb?”

“It’s not your bomb” was all Clarke could say.

Lexa almost smiled at the defiant tone that she had grown to love. She would be adoring the way Clarke was radiating confidence and exuding every strong and unbreakable principle she has in her being, if the situation did not involve Lexa’s main purpose for the trip being put into jeopardy.

“Yes. It. Is.” Lexa almost growled through clenched teeth.

“No, it’s not! It shouldn’t be yours! It shouldn’t be anyone’s!” Clarke’s eyes pled. “After everything that has happened—the stories, the legends, last night -- how could you bank our fate – yours, mine, our people’s – on something so destructive?”

Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was wrong earlier. Having sex with Clarke is not the hardest thing in the world to stop. Yelling angrily at her is.

“You do not understand how this works, Clarke” she said quietly. “You have no idea what kind of enemies we face.”

“I understand the lives you would destroy in the process of winning your war, Lexa” Clarke said. She reached for her hand and squeezed it in begging fashion. “Do not use this bomb. You will kill more than you save”

Lexa shook her head but didn’t take her hand away.

“Do you realize what you have done?” she asked Clarke, completely disregarding the three other people in the room. “You have compromised confidential information, battle plans, war strategies and international treaties! You have compromised our security – your own security. You cannot have a weapon you do not know how to wield, Clarke.”

“This weapon should not be wielded at all!”

“That is not your decision to make” Lexa said quietly.

The silence in her voice seemed to put everything in the room to a standstill. She watched as Clarke’s breathing slowed.

“This affects me more than you think. I think I should be able to decide on matters that put my people at risk. I think I should be able to do something about how the world ends. Or was all you said before a lie? Were you simply flattering me, Lexa?”

Lexa shook her head furiously as she started pacing back and forth the room. Anya immediately moved to stand against the wall, getting out of her way. Raven stood next to her and pulled Octavia just before Lexa’s stride practically bulldozed her.

She could feel Clarke’s eyes are on her as she heatedly but eerily quietly paced around the room, occasionally throwing deadly glances at everyone except Clarke. Her thoughts ran from possible solutions to fix the situation to various ways to just blow the whole deal up. She needs to talk to the Chancellor. She would prefer if Secretary Kane was there. She needs to have Indra check the condition and location of the bomb and she needs Anya to iron out every other crease in their plans. But none of these could happen until she makes a decision on Raven and Octavia.

And that cannot be made until she makes Clarke understand why there is a bomb in the first place and more importantly why this act is betrayal, at best and ruinous in every other scale.

“You cannot just send your friends to steal a bomb made for another State” Lexa started, without really knowing where she was leading to. She was still infuriated and most of her energy is directed to not allowing her anger be directed at Clarke. She had to focus on what Clarke did. “You do not steal bombs, period.”

“I didn’t, babe!”

“You got caught, babe!”

Lexa did not notice she reciprocated the term of endearment. Everyone else in the room did. Octavia wolf-whistled again.

“OUT!” she growled at the three who standing against the wall.

“You sure are now” Octavia spat in a snicker.

“O, shut up for a second” Clarke begged. “Lexa, they weren’t there to steal your bomb—“

“We would not have been able to, anyway” Raven interjected. “It wasn’t there. It’s not here anymore, is it?”

Clarke’s eye were wild at Lexa and Lexa glared just as fiercely back.

“You already have it”

“Yes”

“Is that what you came here to ‘not’ tell me?”

Lexa did not answer. She did not want to answer. She did not even want to have this conversation. It was a waste of time. It was a waste of energy and resources and it does not solve anything. All it is doing is prolonging the danger outside of these walls, taking her away from critical decisions regarding what was going on back in Polis and breaking down everything she and Clarke have built for themselves.

Anger looks to be a bright side with everything else that is going through her mind right now.

“How many people are you going to kill, Lexa?” Clarke asked darkly.

“As many as needed to keep everyone else safe”

“And you had the nerve to tell me what is my call and what isn’t?”

Lexa scoffed. “This is my job, Clarke. You would know a thing or two about birth rights and duties! You sent your friends to do your own!”

Clarke walked towards her and grabbed her face. “You need to listen. They were not there to steal your bomb. They were there to take a peek. I wanted to know how it was programmed—“

Lexa studied Clarke’s face and gently pulled off the hands holding her face. She would not be sweet-talked out of this mess. She took a step back from Clarke and tried to regain her composed voice.

“Why?” she demanded silently.

Clarke shifted her weight but when Lexa glared a little too menacingly than intended, she stood her ground -- simultaneously infuriating Lexa as well as gaining so much respect.

“I wanted to know how you would use it.”

“It’s a bomb, Clarke. How else do you use it?”

“If you bomb everyone who threatens to kill you or me, there won’t be anybody in this world left.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Do not think me stupid, Clarke. I know my job and I am good at it.”

“You cannot murder all of your enemies!”

Lexa turned around and bit her lower lip again. If this was any other person, she would have shot her already. Clarke’s principles make her who she is and they are just as strong as the person who embodies them. It just so happens they are not the same as Lexa’s. And arguing about philosophies are just not her style. There has to be a way out of this conversation without effectively ruining what was left of their relationship.

“Actions have consequences. Some consequences lead to death. And those of us thrust upon a position of immense responsibility need to make decisions on which action’s consequence is death” Lexa explained coldly. She turned to face Clarke. “Treason is answerable only by death. Your own people stormed this mansion and almost killed your mother, almost killed you, killed both from our ranks and are hatching something far more sinister and you want to lecture me about murder? Do not lecture me about death, Clarke. You have not seen its worst. And you have not delivered it to those whose crimes would make it seem like death was a reward or mercy.”

“A nuclear bomb affects innocent people, not just your enemies or your criminals—“

“Actions and consequences!”

Lexa exhaled sharply as her voice echoed in the room. Anya had bowed her head, assumingly both as respect for her and her flaring temper as well as respect for her and Clarke. If they were not quiet before, Octavia and Raven were as silent as they have ever been. Octavia kept her gaze straight and away from Lexa and Clarke but Lexa could tell she was on alert. Like she would readily step in front of Clarke should the worst happen. Raven was more thoughtful, a little fearful but definitely calculative.

Lexa took a deep breath and bit her lower lip again. She waved a controlled hand asking Clarke to continue her sentence.

“You want to kill the bad guys, Lexa? Go ahead. Do not leave a trail of collateral bodies.”

“Did it ever occur to you that the collateral damage has more to do with affinity than proximity? In all likelihood, they would have chosen the wrong side-“

Clarke grabbed her on an elbow and shook that arm, as though trying to wake her up. “You can’t just pick who lives! You can’t just decide who gets to die because you have at your fingertips death!”

“And you can’t save everyone” Lexa retorted. “You can’t keep everyone alive, Clarke. Not during war.”

“We are not at war yet”

“Yes, we are. You do not see, do you? There is war everywhere, Clarke. Between Polis and Azgeda. Between Arkadia and the bandits outside your borders. Between your soldiers and mine. Between you and your mom. Between me and Indra. And do you really think your mom’s council wants me here? Do you really think my men enjoy dying for people who do not appreciate their sacrifice? And—“

“And, you and me? Are we at war?”

Lexa sighed. She thought she was getting through to Clarke. This was not personal. This should have nothing to do with their relationship. She thought about the question as Clarke just stood there waiting for an answer. She wanted the query to have been rhetorical but everything about Clarke demanded a response.

Maybe this was personal. She cannot seem to escape the shadowing parallels of her politics and her personal life ever since she stepped foot in Arkadia.

“We are fighting fate and circumstance. What do you think?”

Clarke stared at her in disbelief and disappointment. Lexa had to contain herself from apologizing right away. There was something about Clarke’s eyes that had broken through the shell of her sense of duty. She has never wanted to apologize for anything she has done as Commander. But seeing the disenchantment from the eyes which so adulated her a few hours ago made her consider it.

Lexa decided that if she could, if there was another shot after today, she will never disappoint Clarke ever again.

“What is the price of your wars, Lexa?” Clarke finally found her voice and the break in it slowly shattered what was left of Lexa’s impenetrable oath to her duty.

But she is the Commander of Blood.

Her oath stands.

Even if it would hurt the woman she loves.

“Life” Lexa replied firmly. “You fight so you can live.”

Clarke’s bitter glare just before she made her way to the door was one of the saddest sights Lexa ever had the misfortune to see.

“And then what?” Clarke asked without looking at her. Her feet was already out the door and so is half of her body. She was ready to go and leave nothing but the resentment of her issue. It was the perfect metaphor, Lexa thought. “What kind of life would you live then, Commander?”

When the door shut behind Clark and her friends was the first time Lexa realized that it was no longer a metaphor. Clarke did leave. And she left her with a question whose answer is as damning as the circumstances which brought it to fruition.

What kind of life would the Commander live if she continues to wage war after war with weapons built to destroy entire civilazations?

One without the woman she loves.

If that was to be her fate, Lexa would have to find a way to live with it. Or die trying.

“I need a word with the Chancellor. Right now” she told Anya. “Any reports from home?”

“No movement. No new intelligence”

“That is never a good sign” she lamented.

“There is something else you should know, Commander”

Lexa waited wordlessly for the information she already knew.

“It was successful” Anya supplied.

“The news will be out soon enough.”

“Details only to those privy. As you have ordered”

Lexa nodded. “I will meet the generals we have here. You have the plane prepped. I just have to see the Chancellor then we can leave.”

Anya opened the door for her then smiled sadly as they walked quietly down the halls.

“We’re leaving ahead of schedule” she posed when Lexa scowled at the unasked question between them.

“Why stay longer?”

Anya’s sad smile stayed as she walked her back to their quarters where she met with some of her generals, save for Indra. She listened to every report and when it came to reading the names of her soldiers who died because of last night’s raid, her own rage started creeping back again. She diffused it by giving specific orders on how to dispose of the bodies. Finally, Indra joined them to give an update on how the rest of Arkadia was doing.

“Everyone is safe, Commander. We doubled their guards and dispatched some of our soldiers” Indra announced. “As for the strike… The village did not only have rebels and bandits. Just as you suspected”

Lexa closed her eyes as she heard Clarke’s voice telling her about people who serve as collateral damage. She saw Clarke’s disappointed blue orbs again. They were just about ready to turn into the stormiest sky in the universe.

“Anya said the strike was successful” Lexa said quietly.

“Yes. But we were not able to bring any of our cadets back alive”

Lexa’s opened her eyes and shot an angry look at Anya. “Curious on how you would define successful, General.”

“The bandits and rebels are all dead, Commander” Anya stated. “As you ordered. We were simply too late to recover the boys. We did hesitate on how to approach the rescue.”

Lexa shot her another angry look. The generals around the table all looked away from her. The hesitation was from her. She knew the village. She knew what attacking it would mean. And if there was a way to subdue the men responsible for the mansion raid without burning the village to the ground, she wanted it. Then she heard about the cadets. Bandits and rebels have kidnapped some of the most promising future soldiers of Polis who were stationed in Arkadia for a term.

They deliberated on how to retrieve them. She wanted a stealth team. Everyone around this table wanted an assault one. In the end, the argument led to the decision of a strike team. Kill who you must, save who you can.

No one was saved.

“Women and children?” she asked Indra.

“The pre-strike unit managed to get as many out as possible. But you should know, Commander, when I said that village did not only have the rebels, I meant that they were being sheltered. Protected. Supplied.”

“We already knew this”

“By Arkadians”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “Our intelligence brief said they were infiltrated by the scouts of the Cold Mountains.”

Indra bowed before delivering the final blow to Lexa’s composure.

“We were facing Arkadian rebels, Commander. Supremacists. Radicals. Against the government, against its allies. Against progress. And change. Against the idea that their precious Chancellor’s daughter is involved with the Commander of Blood.”

“The attack was because I am – was – with Clarke?”

“I deduced as much”

“They do not want to conquer Polis?”

“They can barely conquer Arkadian security guards, Commander. They were protesting our presence here, not so much as the government as a body”

Lexa looked at an Anya and immediately she knew that Anya recognize whatever was hidden behind her eyes. First, relief that no one knows about the nuclear bomb just yet. Second, anger that she did not specifically order that one or two rebels be kept alive for interrogation purposes. Three, regret. In being here in the first place. She was warned that this trip was a terrible idea but the lure of the bomb was too much. And she wanted to know what it was about this nation that makes for the strongest alliance hers know. This was never supposed to be anything more than a well-crafted State Visit.

No wars. No deaths. No new treaties.

No Clarke.

Lexa flicked a finger at one of her generals. It was a final order on their plan to mobilize some of their rangers higher up the Cold Mountains. From reports, she knows that that’s where the rebels hide. She wanted movement monitored there. She wanted confirmation that these rebels were not from Azgeda. Now that she has it, she wants death. On all of them.

“A much different war than what we had anticipated had risen, Commander” Indra noted when the general left.

Lexa’s eyes narrowed at the suggestive tone simmering just below the surface of Indra’s statement. She waved off the other generals who were still in the room as a dismissal and as soon as they left, Indra took her usual seat. Lexa rested her back on her chair and stared directly at the empty space before her. She could see Anya and Indra exchanging glances on either side of her. She ignored it. Soon enough, one was bound to lose her patience and say something. She focused straight ahead. There was a painting hanging on the wall she was facing. She has never noticed it before. Then again, this guest conference room was not where she spent most of time.

But she recognized the painting. She knew it was Clarke’s. Not because she can now identify artistic signatures but because she knows the place painted on it. It was the bedroom in the dream she had about Clarke. It was the exact same bed, the windows, the balcony, the ruffled and empty sheets. The dying lilly on the bedside table and the blank picture frame next to it. Even the way the light struck on the canvass is identical.

Maybe that was why she had dreamed of this particular scene. She has seen it before when she first walked it the conference room.

Lexa settled on the thought just as Anya and Indra resorted to a stare down. When she took a quick glance at either of them, she knew her theory was gravely mistaken. Clarke painted by borrowed memories. And this particular one must, like the tree house, belong to Lexa’s…past.

“Commander” Indra broke the silent argument in the room. "The series of events which have transpired here form a pattern. One that we may have seen before.”

“Do not start with your legends, Indra” Lexa replied in unhindered annoyance. “Unrest is part of being human just as a rebellion against the grand order is part of humanity”

“That was not what I was aiming at, Commander.”

“And what exactly was it you were suggesting?”

Anya shot Indra a stern look which was quickly dodged as it was duly ignored.

“That who you love could kill you. While she may not hold the gun or the knife or pour the poison, she could very well cause all of this.”

Lexa scoffed. “Seems to me you are hinting exactly where I thought you were”

“Perhaps. But even if there is no historical trail, my advice would be the same. I am happy when you are happy, Commander. I knew coming here, you and her were inevitable but the outcome of that had multiple possibilities. I did not care for which one. Just as long as it ended with you alive.”

“Clarke all but cursed me to eternal damnation for the idea of having a lethal weapon at my disposal. Do you honestly believe she will hand me my death?” Lexa snapped.

“My apologies, Commander. But it was not Clarke’s face I saw in that rebel’s target orders.”

Lexa sighed pointedly. She understood where Indra was coming from. She understood where everyone was coming from. Clarke had her principles and Indra her commitment. If only they all understood her as well. Not that any of them had a choice. Her word was law, afterall.

Just that her law does not reach up to matters of the heart.

“If we do our jobs right, Indra…your fears will not see the fruition”

“And is it possible, Commander? For all of us to do our jobs without clouded judgment?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow sternly at her. Anya shook her head as though disappointment and mildly surprised that Indra actually went there.

“You think my judgment is clouded?”

“I think you are in-love with her, Commander. When has love ever not been a cloud?”

Lexa held Indra’s gaze as strongly and as coldly as she possibly could. She could see years of war and loss in Indra’s eyes. For what it was worth, she knows she has not seen as much as Indra has. She knows these were eyes weathered down by humanity’s worst. They hold views already tried and tested. They see the rest of the world with every possible color, not just the whites, the blacks and the greys. They have seen red too much. These are eyes that know too much, burdened by centuries’ worth of tradition and culture, sharpened by countless blows by fate and bestowed with wisdom in every wound and scar. These are eyes which can never see the world as Clarke does. These are eyes who have stayed too long in the shadows of a cave. They will now always fear the empty promises of uncertain light.

And these were the eyes which have looked after her. The ones who have watched her grow, who have seen her struggles and who know her pain. In these eyes has she learned to pick herself up whenever she trips or falls; to persevere through every curveball fate has thrown her way; to endure the heartaches her destiny ensured; and bury away the fears which have haunted her. Indra was there through it all. She molded her into the best possible Commander. She has protected her from every enemy. She has saved her from probable deaths. She has been her shield. Her mentor. Her challenger.

And now she doubts her.

Because she fell for the Chancellor’s daughter.

The woman who stood next to her when she buried her father, who helped Anya nurse her back to health after her last Commander’s Trial, who gave her the news about the girl who had once been important to her and who saw how she never shed a tear for that unfortunate end now doubts her strength. The woman who was there through every negotiation, every war declaration, every pardon granted, every lie or ruse handed to her by other heads of states she managed to see through and every single victory she has earned now doubts her judgment. The woman who witnessed her defy all her doubters – the ones who said she was too young to lead, or too much of a girl to command, or too lucky to be considered great – and prove her loyalty to her oath through every happiness she has had to sacrifice for her people’s welfare now doubts her commitment.

Because she fell for Clarke.

Clarke was not there when she reclaimed disputed land. Clarke was not there when she buried soldiers or awarded them medals. Clarke was not there when she gave prisoners of war back their liberty and dignity. Clarke was not the woman behind the revolution to make Polis the bastion of power that it is.

Lexa is.

Indra blinked. Then for the first time in her life, Lexa saw her gulp, with tears threatening to glisten in the eyes that could now barely hold Lexa’s gaze. Lexa saw Indra fear her.

“Ask me again” Lexa ordered.

“Commander—“

“When has love not been a cloud?” Lexa repeated the words with thick bitterness between her teeth and unfaltering dominance in her tongue. She heard her own voice. It has never roared with more certitude or solemnity.

“Commander—“

“When the ground has never needed to look for the sun to know what keeps the Earth great.”

Lexa’s cold and sure words echoed like a thunder on a quiet night. She stood from her chair, so angrily that it knocked over a few paces behind her and Anya had to hold down the table fearing that it might break.

“Clarke does not cloud my judgment, Indra” she continued, with scalding insult at the insinuation. “She may have stormed my existence but my eyes see just fine.”

Indra bowed so low that she resembled a subject more than a trusted soldier.

“My apologies, Commander”

Lexa pried her eyes away from her with a heavy breath.

“I will be eternally grateful to you, Indra. I can never repay you for all that you have done for me. You have protected me from certain death. But there are aches in this life you cannot shield me from” she said quietly and sincerely. “Trust that I know my oath and my life’s value. Regardless of who may have entered it.”

“Yes, Commander”

Lexa nodded then waved her dismissal. When the doors closed, she heard Anya drop back to her seat.

“You know I disagree with her” Anya timidly announced.

“Yes.”

“But you know that her fears are always valid and her concern always true”

“Yes.”

“Deep down she does want you to be happy. With Clarke, more than anyone”

“Yes.”

Lexa leaned on the door Indra exited from. She could feel the rest of her about to give in the emotional burst that her body was not accustomed to. Anya slowly stood up and leaned next to her. She did not offer any support or asked her how she felt. She just leaned on the same door, shoulder to shoulder, breathing in sync.

“Thank you” Lexa whispered to her when she felt her heart rate return to normal.

“Mhmm”

“Off to the next battle” she said, steadying herself.

Anya encouraged her with a controlled smile.

“The Chancellor has been moved out of the infirmary. She is in the library. I will walk with you”

“Are you not supposed to be in charge on how to handle the Octavia and Raven situation?”

Anya smirked. “It has been handled, Commander.”

Lexa studied the smirk longer than she intended then gave a hollow laugh.

“Raven will be joining us then?” she inquired with fresh amusement.

“If you permit it”

Lexa shrugged and motioned for the door to be open.

“For you” she finally gave her approval to Anya when they reached the library doors after walking in silence. She spent the walk thinking of this solution Anya came up with. For all intents and purposes, it could open up to new troubles.

But this was Anya.

And she knows that smirk all too well to know that there was something with Raven she should just allow to flourish. 

They walked in the library and found Abby, resting comfortably in bed, in the private wing at the back. She looked tired but when she gratefully smiled at both of them, Lexa felt a sense of appreciation and warmth she did not know she wanted from anyone in Arkadia.

“Commander, thank you” Abby said, dropping all formalities as she got out of bed and hugging Lexa.

Lexa patted her on the back with gentle awkwardness.

“It was Anya who killed you captor, Chancellor” she said just as awkwardly. She remained stoic when Abby hugged Anya as well. “And I would think such gratitude would have waned in light of recent events.”

Abby regarded her with a look of a disapproving mother.

“A life’s debt does not wane, Commander” the Chancellor imparted with the same tone of appreciation. “I will never be able to repay for saving my life. And Clarke’s.”

Lexa could think of a few ways but pushed those at the back of her mind. She eyed the stack of papers and open laptop on the bed.

“Have you talked with Clarke?”

“Yes but she would not tell me what you fought about”

Abby’s knowing smile sent Lexa into a wave of uncomfortable consciousness. She cleared her throat, hoping that would expel her distaste of feeling like she was under scrutiny. It almost feels like she was not there to negotiate the terms of her nuclear weapon but to ask her girlfriend’s mom for approval of her relationship.

“She told you we fought?”

“No” Abby sighed. “She refused to talk about you at all. She would always jump at any chance to defend you. Except ten minutes ago when she stormed out of here the same way she used to at 16.”

Lexa nodded.

“Did you break my daughter’s heart, Commander?”

Lexa frowned at her only to realize it was half of a joke. Too bad the answer could not be half of a yes.

“I have the weapon, Chancellor” she changed the topic when she realized she could not bring herself to answer the question. “And your team has been prepped to travel with me. There is a slight modification to the plans. Two, actually.”

“Anya has briefed me. You plan on sending half of the team to where the actual weapon is? To physically guard it? A secret station?”

“Yes. Only a handful of people know where this station is. Anya scouted it herself and she had all the arrangements done to her liking. She knows where it is. I know where it is. I wonder if you might want to know as well.”

“Should I?”

Lexa smiled. “I offer the information as a sign of respect and goodwill. Do I think it’s wise? No. But you will have people there so you deserve to know. If you want to.”

When Abby nodded, Anya handed her a small digital map. Lexa watched as comprehension colored the Chancellor’s face when she finally made sense of the coordinates. She did not say anything else as she handed the device back to Anya.

“I assume this piece of information is not written in the contract?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Top secret”

“Chancellors before me, including my husband, trusted you. I should learn to as well”

Lexa thought that Abby’s trust was not needed. This plan will see through whether there was trust between them or not. She decided not to point this out because she knows that it would indeed be easier for their two armed forces to work together if there was at least the pretense of trust. And she has enough enemies in Arkadia. As much as she can take them all down, it is foolish start new animosity with the Chancellor herself. No matter who the Chancellor’s daughter might be.

“What was the other modification?”

Lexa tilted her head at Anya, inviting her to talk.

“We are taking Raven with us”

“What? No. She is too young and she is not even part of the actual team.”

“She will act as your personal liaison. Your eyes and your ears. She is very smart, unbelievably scrappy and quite frankly, one of the strongest people I have met anywhere in the world” Anya said, making Lexa inwardly roll her eyes. “And Clarke has asked her to look into the bomb.”

“What?!”

“It amazes me how the Chancellor knows everything that goes on in her country except what her daughter has been up to” Lexa commented to herself.

Abby gave her the side-eye but ignored it. She was still stuck on the fact that Clarke tasked Raven to be involved with the bomb.

“Look into it?”

“Tamper would be more accurate” Lexa corrected. “Control it. In case I ever decide to use it against Arkadia.”

Abby tried to hide the horror of understanding the corollaries of this drastic action her daughter has made but such feat only revealed a surprised surge of pride in her eyes. Lexa read it easily. Of course the Chancellor would be proud that her daughter has shown such initiative to defend and be loyal to her nation even if it meant going behind her new girlfriend’s back.

Then again, her new girlfriend has a reputation of handing out death sentences. Realizing this in front of her, was quite a coup to achieve.

“I assume Raven knows too much to keep her out of the dark” Anya relayed her thought process. “And this way, we won’t have to punish her. For you know, attempting to tamper with our nuclear bomb.”

“Raven is not made for war, Commander”

“She is not going to one” Lexa assured.

“And she will be well-protected” Anya added.

“Is she going to the station?”

Anya turned to Lexa.

“Not unless she was the last Arkadian in Polis” Lexa answered quickly. “I am not seeking for permission, Chancellor. But I thought it best to come to you with this first before I have Anya deliver the news to her”

Lexa could tell Abby had countless objections to this but finally agreed.

“Keep her safe. She is like a daughter to me, Commander”

Lexa nodded. She would keep Raven safe. So would Anya. But she knows she cannot make any promises as to whether or not the security she provides will hold. They should all know by now, they live at a time when there was hardly anywhere you could consider as completely safe.

And if you find such place, the security hardly lasts as long as you would wish it to.

Lexa gave Anya her leave to go find Raven and have her pack up before they have to head to the airport. When she left them alone, Abby settled on the bed and offered the armchair by its side to Lexa. She hesitated but when she realized that she really is about to have the upcoming conversation with her, she resigned and sat down.

“Chancellor, what I promised before—“ she started.

“I respectfully disapprove, Commander” Abby cut her off. “She is staying here.”

“If you give her an official position, like an Ambassador to Polis, she will have reason to go with me. She will be under my protection. My army’s protection. Officially” Lexa asserted. “I know my men. They are loyal. They will not rebel.”

“You have plenty of enemies, Commander” Abby reminded her. “And Anya already told me who the actual target of the raid was. You. Me. Kane. You being on top of that list”

“You will not let her go with me”

Abby shook her head. There was no way that was changing.

“I am takingback two battalions with me” Lexa informed her. “I will send a special unit for you and her.”

“Is the threat really that bad?”

It was a stupid question. Even if there was no threat at all, Lexa would still send one of her special units back to Arkadia.

“I am about to tell you something that I do not ever want to be repeated to anyone” she carefully laid out for the Chancellor. She did not wait for any sort of response from her because if she was interrupted now, she will back out of this declaration without any prodding. “This morning I saw a glimpse of losing Clarke. In about ten minutes, I will most certainly lose her entirely. I say this with a presumption that she was ever mine to lose. My life is in Polis, Chancellor but it will not amount to much should I arrive home and find that I have lost Clarke in more ways than one.”

Lexa did not dare look at Abby. She did not want to see her reaction. Anything above approval will weaken her knees and anything less than that will only dismantle the foundation of a brewing symbiotic relationship with the Chancellor.

“The special unit is already on its way” she continued. “You do not have to trust them and she does not have to like them. But you will accept this arrangement for your own good.”

When she finally looked up, Abby was trying and failing at hiding a smile.

“Thank you” she said sincerely. “I respect what you have with Clarke, you should know that. It is everything else that surrounds you that makes it difficult for me to encourage it. Are you going to say goodbye to her?”

Lexa had not thought about it. She knows the Chancellor will travel to the airport to see them off. She had assumed Clarke would be with her. Her thought just never made it past the ride to the airport. She had not yet allowed herself to think about what is to be said. She had not allowed herself to imagine what saying goodbye would be like.

“May I leave her a letter?”

Abby looked surprised. Out of all their negotiations and deals, Lexa realized this was the first she ever asked for a favour without a bargaining chip.

“Of course”

“I will leave it with you”

“Why?”

“You know better than to throw it out” Lexa joked darkly.

Abby laughed as she pointed at a stationery set and cup of pens on the study table by the door. Whether this gesture was out of humor or pity, Lexa did not bother to ask.  She thanked the Chancellor, excused herself from the room with a couple pieces of paper and a pen and settled on a table at the far end of the library. Gus had arrived in lieu of Anya and he stood guard a few paces away as she tried to organize her thoughts.

For as long as she can remember, she has never actually said goodbye to anyone. Not while they were alive, anyway. Maybe that was why she did not find those farewells as difficult as they should have been. Or perhaps she has convinced herself effectively that she was not shaken nor hurt from her losses.

How does one find the words to say goodbye? Where do you even start and can you ever truly finish? Shouldn’t the word itself be enough? Must there be an explanation on why you have to leave? On why you chose to leave? What explanation would suffice? She understands why she is leaving and while she does not like it, it was both a choice and an inevitability. So even if she could not justify the choice, should they not both simply resign to the inevitable?

Lexa carefully tipped the pen on the paper and wrote only what she knows to be true – there is no easy way to say goodbye. That is a good thing. It reinforces and validates what and who you are saying goodbye to. She tries to convey it in the most positive light possible. Goodbye is not as permanent as some people think and if fate should decide that it is so, then perhaps fate was saving them from having to lose each other over and over again. Goodbye, then, was the world’s way of sparing those who never stood a chance against what is not to be. This goodbye is a good thing for the longer they hold off saying it and the more reasons they would strive to find to justify the separation, the more hearts they break. The more lives they alter.

The more their own souls shatter.

This goodbye is a good thing.

Lexa filled a page trying to convey this but as soon as she turned to a second blank page, she realized there was something else she needed to say. Something she probably should have said but refused to. Something she knows she still does not have the courage to profess. Something she knows she might never get a chance to say. She wrote it down, fighting every fiber of her being urging her against this form of surrender.

And on the last page, she wrote three lines.

An admission.

A confession.

A vow.

She was folding the three pages and when she looked down her hands, she realized she was shaking. She looked around the library and thankfully it was still empty. Gus met her eyes and his alarm was undeniable before he shook it off and looked away as though he did not see anything. The warm, single-path of trickling down one side of her cheek told her what Gus saw. She quickly wiped it off and placed the letter in her pocket for when she sees the Chancellor next.

“Gus—“ she called out at the same time as the library doors opened with a loud blast.

At first she thought it was another attack. Gus was in front of her in a flash and she was already down on one knee with a gun aimed at ready. Seconds later, she realized it was not a gun she needed. Clarke was storming down the center aisle of the library with all of her guards in tow.

“Did you just draft Raven?! Really, Lexa?!” she bellowed. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Lexa’s eyes flared and every single soldier piled out of the library as quickly as they came in. Gus silently retreated behind the bookshelves.

“You were the one who sent her to tamper with the bomb. What did you expect me to do? Hang her?”

Clarke’s glare were as menacing as her accusations.

“This is retaliation. This is a cruel trick only your mind could concoct.”

Lexa smirked. “If you are to paint me as cruel, Clarke, you should not stop at me taking your best friend to a secure location so she could keep an eye on the bomb you so despise.”

“Do you think this is funny?” Clarke cried. “Call it off, Lexa. You know how dangerous this is. She is not Octavia. She never wanted to be involved in this. I will not subject her into this.”

“You are not. I am”

“Lexa, I am begging you. Do not take her with you.”

“The decision has been made, Clarke”

“By you! Call it off, please”

Lexa’s first mistake was to look at Clarke directly in the eyes and saw there was actual despair there. It was a hit to her armor worse than when she realized she had disappointed Clarke earlier. Her second mistake was ignoring the look in favour of her own need to validate all that she declared in front of Indra.

“No” she replied coldly.

“You are the only person who can stop this”

“And I do not intend to”

Clarke’s eyes were now wild with disbelief and nonrecognition. She has never looked at her this way. Like she does not know her. Like she was talking to stranger she could not despise more if she tried. She expected Clarke to either storm out or to completely let her anger out at her. Either one would have been fine. But she should have known that Clarke was not made to be predictable.

Or petty and weak.

Clarke was made with nerves of steel and wits of gallantry.

“I will go in her place”

Lexa almost dropped her jaw to the floor.

“What?”

“Instead of Raven, I will go in her place”

“To Polis? With me?” Lexa tried to make light of the situation. “Should I remind you that this is an arrangement to accommodate your concerns as well as to punish your friend?”

Clarke frowned in confusion.

“A trip to Polis with me is hardly punishment” Lexa quipped.

Perhaps if the situation was not as dire as this one, Clarke would have found it charming. Now, it only angered her more.

“You think too highly of yourself, Commander” she spat bitterly. “She will not pay for my actions. This is nothing more than a bail out for her and a deserved penalty for me”

“Then allow me to make it easier for you” Lexa said with settled confidence. “No, Clarke. I refuse the offer.”

“You don’t want me to go with you”

“No.”

“That’s just fantastic, Lexa” Clarke’s bite at sarcasm was as cold as Lexa’s whole demeanor.

Lexa didn’t say anything else. She debated whether she should just give her the letter now but her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of Clarke’s phone. They both let it ring for a while as they stared each other down before she finally gave in and gestured for Clarke to answer it.

The voice on the other line was frantic. Lexa could not make out what was being said but she did not need to. She knew what was being delivered and she had expected the rage and hurt in Clarke’s eyes. When the phone call ended, she watched as Clarke made her way to leave the library only to stop at the doors then walk back to where she stood watching.

“Is it true?”

Lexa nodded.

“Why?”

“You know why”

“Do you know where I was when I learned that Raven was being made to pack her bags?”

Lexa shook her head.

“I was on my way to find you. I was going to apologize for this morning. I was out of place to brand you a murderer. I know you better than that. I was going to stop you from leaving. Because I could not stand the thought of you not being here with me. And I was going to tell you that I thought my mother would not give you your bomb so I had to do something to save her from your brand of consequences”

Lexa stood silently, waiting for the worst.

“I was going to tell you exactly what you mean to me” Clarke continued, with unshed tears.

Lexa hated seeing how close she was to crying but was not at all surprised that not a single tear managed to escape Clarke’s eyes.

“And now I stand here wondering what on earth was I thinking? You care for none of that. How could you do this?”

“It had to be done” Lexa said simply.

“Why do you always favour death and destruction?”

“Perhaps I am cruel like you said”

“Do you expect me to contradict you now?!” Clarke’s anger at how nonchalant Lexa is could not be ignored.

Lexa shook her head. “This has nothing to do with you”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to feel special now? That there is a village five hours from here, literally burying all of its inhabitants but I should not worry because those deaths do not concern me. Did you even have proof of their crimes?!”

“Yes.”

“And you just decided that the best way to subdue them was to kill them all?”

“Yes”

“I cannot believe I ever decided to apologize for this morning” Clarke furiously yelled more to herself than to Lexa. “I cannot even believe I decided I wanted you to stay!”

“I never asked you to want me, Clarke”

In hindsight, Lexa should not have said that. It was probably one of the very short list of things she has said without proper discernment.

“Yet here we are” Clarke regarded her bitterly. “I chose you, you know that? I chose you over my mother’s warnings and every single premonition or memory and threat. I chose you and you chose to prove me wrong. What am I to choose now? Disregard what I feel as easily as you have disregarded their lives?”

There it was. The worst blow that Lexa had expected. She proves yet again the time-old lesson that no matter how much you have expected something, no matter how well you are prepared for it and no matter deep you have accepted it, it will always, always hit you harder than you were ready for. Suddenly, the letter in her pocket was burning a hole through the fabric.

Suddenly, whatever words were written there were as inadequate as a bunch of letters jumbled.

Suddenly, Lexa realized that there was nothing good or bright or poetic about saying goodbye.

“I cannot mind your decisions for you and there are decisions I cannot make with you on my mind” she said resolutely.

“You said you made this for me!” Clarke reminded her.

“I said I wanted it clear how important you are to me” she corrected back

“What a way to show it!”

Lexa took a deep breath and reminded herself that only minutes ago, she had put all her feeling on a piece of paper and no matter how infuriating this argument between her and Clarke, those feelings have not at all changed.

“What do you want me to say, Clarke?”

“Stay and fix this.”

“My staying would only make matters worse”

“Why? You already killed everyone who is against you”

Clarke’s spunk was as annoying as it was endearing. If this girl cannot believe she actually considered apologizing to her, Lexa can’t believe that amidst the volatility of the circumstances they were in, she still found the time to be endeared.

What a mess they both have made for themselves.

“Nobody actually wants me here” Lexa pointed out as patiently as she could. She was reminded of this fact in the harshest way possible and perhaps it was time that Clarke was both made aware and made to accept it.

“I want you here”

“That’s beside the point”

“Is it now?!” Clarke’s earlier fury was still evident only this time, Lexa could recognize that she was genuinely hurt and insulted by the insinuation that Clarke wanting her to stay is not an actual concern.

It was. For Lexa, it was. But it was also not the only concern and it was one that they both would pay for with their lives if they dwelled on it too much. Lexa’s people cannot lose their Commander and their Commander cannot lose Clarke more than she already has. It is, therefore, for everyone’s best interest to just focus on the actual problem and shut down everything else around it.

Only when Lexa met Clarke’s eyes, she realized that they may have different “actual problems” in mind.

Lexa knew why she was doing all of this. She knew she wrote the letter because she does have feelings for Clarke. She knew she asked the Chancellor if Clarke could come with her because she wants to be the one protecting her. She knew when she fought with Indra that she has to prove yet again that she has her head above her heart. She knew that she was standing here with Clarke proving exactly that.

But Clarke does not know why she was this angry. Lexa could see it. Anger was obvious but there was more to it. Clarke is angry because of the bomb, the strike and there was something else that Lexa could not quite justify in her head.

 “Where is this really coming from?” she asked when she realized that she was defending herself from a different charge Clarke was charging her for.

Clarke opened her mouth wordlessly like Lexa just asked the stupidest question in the world.

“You ordered a strike team on an entire village!”

“I don’t mean that. I mean, this. This fight is not political—“

“You sure hell are trying to keep it political—“

“And you are doing a mighty fine job making it personal”

“It is personal!”

Lexa closed her eyes and turned away from Clarke. She had now been attacked on both sides of this equation. Indra warns her that she was letting her emotions get the best of her and Clarke is angry that she is not in touch with hers. If it wasn’t such an impossibly infuriating situation, she would be hurting from all the knocks.

“I did not do it to hurt you—“

“You still did! You knew you would hurt me! That’s why you were with me last night!”

“I was with you because I wanted to spend time with you before I leave”

“You’re still leaving? After what you’ve done?”

Lexa’s steady frustration was cushioned momentarily when she heard the hopelessness in Clarke’s tone. She really did expect her to stay. After everything, she still does want her to stay. The confession that she was on her way to ask her to stay was not a ploy to make her feel guilty or trick her into a deal.

“Nothing has changed” she maintained.

“Nothing has changed?!”

“We are who we are, Clarke” Lexa’s grave avowal was fit for a tragedy’s wake. This statement was not less true simply because it was starting to hurt her in a way it never has. In a way she has never allowed it to. “Regardless of how we feel for each other. I have a duty to uphold because one mistake will cost all of our lives. I cannot let how I feel for you—“

“What do you feel, Lexa?” Clarke continued to push. She was close to tears now but like the sky on a greedy summer day, she refused to let a single drop fall. “Do you feel at all? For the people who burned? For the lives you’ve sacrificed for your cause?”

“Our cause”

“This was not mine. I would have never made this call.”

“You are not burdened to”

Lexa smiled sadly at Clarke, imploring her to be thankful for this fortune. She knows how good of a leader Clarke could grow up to be but the time is not ripe. She should relish the time she has free of the responsibilities that require so much sacrifice.

“Even if I were—“

“You would have made it”

“No. I wouldn’t have”

Lexa kept the sad smile on her face, trying to soften the edges of rage on Clarke’s.

“You love your people, Clarke. And you love them behind the scenes, away from the limelight. It is one of the best things about you. It is why you will make a good leader. Someday. When you are ready. And when that day comes, you might rethink your words. Greatness is part of you. So is sacrifice. As much as I would never wish it upon you, you would eventually dip your toes in the gray areas of war.”

“I would not have killed them”

“Them. Ah.”

Lexa was waiting for it. Now she really can separate Clarke the Arkadian from Clarke the woman she loves.

“But what if it was my village?” she posed. “If it were my people there? If it appears they were the ones aiding traitors and rebels? You still would not have made the call? If it meant that it would save everyone else in the city?”

Clarke opened her mouth angrily but composed herself quick enough to think of a more poised response. Lexa knew from experience that it was the split second hesitation that would eventually make her point sink in. She has to give credit to Clarke though. She has dealt with older and more experienced politicians who do not have better control of their emotions.

“I did my job” Lexa said gently when the response never came.

“At the expense of my people” Clarke whispered, on the verge of the tears that would never show. “How can you claim this is not personal?”

“Because it was my job. It was not my role, whatever it may have been, in your life. You act as though I cheated on you or betrayed what we were building—“

“You ordered a strike at a village you know for a fact was close to my heart. You ordered a strike because you were avenging your men while I was here unaware and too busy making out with you!”

Lexa heard the resentment and regret Clarke did not bother to hide.

“You think that was a distraction?”

Clarke shrugged begrudgingly.

Lexa could feel a sneer coming from her and immediately stopped herself from showing any kind of emotion. Clarke was eyeing her, studying if she would deny the accusation. She should. Because it was not a distraction and if Clarke was going to hate her, she should know all of the facts. There should be no version of this other than what Lexa was truly feeling. But she knew that the tenacity Clarke was showing, while true to character, was actually a mask. She was hiding just how badly she was hurt.

And pain has a way of distorting the purest of truths.

Lexa considered lying. What was a lie at this point? It cannot make matters worse. She knows Clarke already hates her. She knows that she was already facing criticism back home. She knows her credibility on all fronts was already on the line. And she knows that her leaving soon would be the last she would see Clarke.

The least she could do was lie if it was to soften the blow.

If she said yes, Clarke would stop being torn about how she feels for her. She will finally have a legitimate reason to hate Lexa. A reason that Lexa would understand. Because if it was her, she would not be able to forgive as well.

And more importantly, if she said yes, she would be able to convince herself that she really was only bidding for time for her troops. She made sure that they would reach the village without tipping anyone off. Especially Clarke who has had dozens of medical missions there.

If she said yes, she would spare herself from having to explain why she needs to say goodbye.

If she said yes, she might not have to say goodbye.

“Would it be easier if that was the truth?” Lexa asked Clarke emptily. She heard the coldness of her own voice. She heard the indifference and the neutrality she only ever uses with people she was to part with. That was when she realized that the ache in her chest was not because she was still holding out hope for them. It was because she was ready to say goodbye.

“Would it be easier if I made you believe that I do not want you as much as you want me? Is that what you want me to say? That I used you?” she continued to ask. “Would you be less angry or less scared?”

“Why the hell would I be scared?”

“Because between you and me, I know how I feel and I know what I can and cannot give up for it. You do not.”

Lexa was ready to end this. It did not matter whether it was with a lie or the truth. But she was not going to leave without her own counter attack. She knew she could get away with a lie. She knew a lie would hurt but it hardly ever leaves as deep of a scar as a perfectly delivered truth does. She was not aiming to hurt Clarke but her pride will not allow her to surrender this fight without saving her dignity.

Lexa could read that Clarke took that statement badly. It was an accusation. It was an insult. It was enough to erase everything they had together. But it was true. More than anything, it was Lexa who has arrived first at the conclusion of this.

She loves Clarke. But the time was not right for them. They were not in a position where they can accept each other for all that they are and all that they are not. Clarke’s principles are unbreakable and her heart could only withstand too much. She will not choose Lexa over what makes her who she is. And Lexa could try harder at understanding how Clarke views the world and life in it but that would mean neglecting her duties. She was too good of a leader to sacrifice that.

So she sacrifices this.

Lexa could literally see Clarke replay every single conversation they had together and erasing it faster than was humanly possible. Somewhere along the way, the pain was slowly being replaced by the recognition of Lexa’s choice. And all too quickly, understanding was being replaced by a profound sense of loss.

 “That’s thick coming from a girl terrified to feel” Clarke said, her heartbreak is a sharper blade than Lexa’s pronouncement of the truth.

Lexa let the sting bounce off of her.

“Says the girl who managed to make her feel.”

Clarke looked at her dejectedly. “Not enough apparently.”

Lexa told herself not to be sorry. She was not going to apologize for a decision that could ultimately save them both. She will not apologize for keeping both of their nations safe. She is the Commander first and as such, she will not bow down to the demands of the girl who stole her heart.

“I did not un-choose you, Clarke. I simply chose to do what I was supposed to. You have a brilliant mind, use it instead of your stray heart” she cautioned frigidly.

“How is it so easy for you to dispose lives?”

Lexa shrugged. She would say nothing about this was easy but she knew they were beyond that now. It was too late and it would do no good. She was tired. She was fed up. And if she spent another minute looking at how heartbroken Clarke is, it was her who would collapse. And Indra would be right about this newfound weakness. This cloud. She cannot allow Indra to be right.

“Is there a life you’re not willing to sacrifice?”

“Yours” Lexa answered in cold zealousness after a heartbeat.

“I call bullshit”

Lexa roared inwardly before releasing an incensed hiss at Clarke’s remark.

“Where is this really coming from?” she demanded furiously. “Yes, I am a murderer. No, I did not lure you into that couch to make out with me. Yes, you are important to me and no, not important enough to stay. Yes, I want you safe. No, I do not want this fight anymore. Yes, I have feel for you. No… I do not understand what you want from me. So just tell me already. Where is this really coming from?!”

Clarke was shocked and apparently mortified by the now obvious steam of frustrated rage that escaped the cold exterior Lexa was keeping upright for as long as she could. As soon as she took a step back, Lexa realized there was no way to take back all that she said.

“I don’t know. But I’m damn sure where it’s going!” Clarke matched the intensity, power and volume of her voice before storming out of the library, the door handle chipping off.

Lexa fumed for as long as she could before the dread of a distant heartbreak started to creep in. She checked her watch. She has been seething far longer than she realized. She blustered out of the same doors in a display of temper even Gus has not seen before. She marched all the way to where a delegation was waiting for her. Clarke was not there but Lexa noticed that the Chancellor was standing by the closed door of a limousine. When she gave a cold smile, she confirmed that Clarke was inside.

Clarke will say goodbye with the diplomacy she was raised with. But it was not for her. It was for her mother. For show. For duty.

For good.

Lexa thanked the long line of people seeing her off. She was back to her public persona. She did not even realize that there was such a plastered image of who she is in front of people and a completely different person behind the walls. Clarke was the one who pointed this out to her. She was the first person outside her most trusted circle to see both sides.

Lexa sighed angrily when she settled inside a separate limousine. Anya gave her a questioning look but she did not answer. She was still thinking about how Clarke had said she loves it when she lets her guard down with her.

She _cannot_ possibly be missing her already.

“Commander?”

Lexa pushed back thoughts of Clarke at the sound of Indra’s voice.

“What is it now?”

“I see your pain”

“Congratulations” Lexa snapped.

“Commander. I know she loves you” Indra tried to amend. “May I try and soften the ache?”

“There is no ache, Indra”

Anya scoffed beside her. “When did you become such a bad liar?”

“When the lies have blended with the truth”

“You never fail to be unbelievably dramatic, Commander” Anya teased but when Lexa looked at her, she knows that she was worried for her. She has seen her hurt before but this was a pain new to both of them.

Lexa promised to hide it better and heal it faster.

“Commander, there is a way you can make her understand your choices and your circumstances. You can explain and confess something to her” Indra said carefully.

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I would not have thought about explaining the situation and confessing my feelings, Indra. Of course. How could I not consider and employ such tactic?”

Anya snickered at how clueless Indra was to handle this side of Lexa.

“Go ahead, Indra. Tell her your brilliant plan of using your best weapon against this relationship” Anya urged a little too callously.

“I am not against their relationship. I am against what it has brought forth”

“There was always going to be a war, Indra. Try not to be stupid about it” Lexa aired. “I did not need to meet Clarke for this happen. We knew there were rebels before we made the trip. My presence only moved up their timeline.”

“That may not be completely accurate, Commander” Indra said as cautiously as before. “They would not have made the raid if there was no news of you and her. The movement was triggered when pictures of you and her dancing were published. That was their deciding factor.”

“And this saves Clarke’s heart how, exactly?”

“If she is reminded that your relationship puts you at the top of the target list, she might let you go. She believes the legend, Commander. All you have to do is to remind her of how this will unfold.”

Lexa’s stern gaze narrowed at Indra.

“We did not break up because of a legend. We cannot be together because she cannot accept our ways and I cannot spend my reign trying to make her at the expense our people’s welfare” Lexa’s silent roar menaced the thick atmosphere inside the car. “You expect me to tell her that I broke her heart because I was afraid to die? I am not afraid to die!”

“Loving her will kill you, Commander”

“So tells your legend” Lexa waves off Anya’s attempt to soothe her. “Why do you even bother trying to stop us, Indra? If you believe your legend so fervently you would know in another hundred years, we in all likelihood will find each other again.”

Indra nodded gravely.

“Believe me, Commander. It is not your feelings I am trying to prevent. I know it is not something anyone can successfully discredit” Indra pleaded with humble dignity. “I ask only you listen to what I really am saying”

“Am I to guess what it is I am supposed to be listening to?”

Indra looked at Anya for any help on how to continue. Anya just shrugged and it was Lexa’s impatient clicking of her tongue that finally urged Indra on.

“Your love may have saved your souls, Commander and you may be able to keep finding each other in the next century but the same love has killed you before.”

“I’m not going to die because I once chose to have Clarke in my life the same way that I will not live any longer than I am meant to because she is no longer part of it! I will die when I will die, Indra and such fate is not dictated by who I chose to open my heart to!”

“You are not going to die on my watch, Commander. That much is settled” Indra declared. “But if the threats to your destiny cannot make you believe this legend long enough to use it against Clarke then maybe the threat that you could wipe off two nations will”

Lexa outwardly rejected the words but they were already imprinted in her mind. She allowed a steady silence to settle while she processed this information.

“What do you mean?”

“Your souls survive, Commander. Even after your deaths. But what of the remains of the war you both started because you chose each other?” Indra lamented. “Commander, your love is so powerful and so unbreakable. It cannot ever be destroyed. It can, and it has, destroyed the world before.”

Lexa studied Indra to see if deception was being employed. There as none. Indra’s lamentation was rooted on fear of grand enough measure that she risks the Commander of Blood’s maximum capacity at rage.

“Why did you just not say it out right from the start?” Lexa charged.

“Because it is not verified by anything” Anya interjected. She gave Indra a disapproving look. “And she knows it too. There was no way to make sure that your past lives were actually the reasons why two nations burned to the ground. She is only telling you this because you would sooner fear this outcome than your own death”

Lexa regarded Indra and Anya in equal scrutiny, trying to decide which one she will believe. When she realized she was not going to believe either one of them she straightened up in her seat and shook her head with such authority that she literally heard Indra’s dismay reverberate.

“Thank you, Indra but Clarke already knows all she needs to know. She is an adult. She will get over it”

“Commander, you have to tell her” Indra pleaded.

“She will get over this Indra”

“She will get over heartbreak if it means saving two nations, I do not doubt it. What of the other concern?”

Lexa shrugged disinterest.

“Lexa, please. You die first.”

“She knows this already”

“You need to learn it as well”

Lexa met Indra’s eyes and agonized over the fact that even if this bit of the legend was true, it absolutely cannot salvage the wreck of her relationship with Clarke.

“I understand” she promised Indra.

“I can see it coming, Commander” Indra stressed in controlled horror.

The limousine was pulling up the airport now and there were flashes of camera from the press as well as the rest of the farewell delegation.  

“I know” Lexa quietly responded, getting herself ready to show the world the only side of her they will ever be allowed to see.

Lexa moved to get out of the car when Anya deemed her fit for public consumption. She stopped when Indra’s hand rested on her forearm in a grip so infused with concern that she felt a jolt from the general who raised her into who she is now.

“Truth is a weapon, Commander. Wield it” Indra implored.

The word rang in Lexa’s head as she exited the limo. She was considering where to even begin with such heralding that she did not notice she has shaken the last set of hands from the delegation who came to see her depart. She froze when she recognize the hand that was now in hers.

Lexa’s thoughts all vanished when she found herself facing Clarke. Her inability to let go of the hand she wants to hold for the rest of her now forecast short life was mocking her with enough irony that she legitimately forgot how to speak.

Clarke held her gaze but there was nothing there. If it were at all possible, she was more stoic than Lexa. She smiled but it was empty. She gripped her hand but there was no sense of wanting to hold on to her. Lexa regarded her in entirety and realized they resemble the way they looked when they first met.

Clarke, a preppy college student. Her, a polished head of state.

They were back to where they started and to who they were always meant to be.

“What are you doing?” Lexa whispered urgently when Clarke did not let go of her hand.

“My job” Clarke whispered back with a forced smile.

“Did no one tell you, you can get shot simply by shaking hands with me?”

Clarke’s smirk was well pronounced in her eyes, although absent from the rest of her face.

“As if I have not known worse pain”

Lexa had to hide her disbelief at what was happening because she and Clarke walked through the airport doors hand in hand. It was torture for her, knowing that at any time, the act will end. She almost wish they were biting each other’s head off again. When they were safely inside the VIP suite of the airport, Clarke could not be quicker in releasing her hand.

“What was that?”

“I could not let you leave—We could not let you—“ Clarke struggled with her explanation, knowing that everyone in the room was listening. “It should not appear that you were leaving without me by your sidey to send you off. It will create unnecessary talk. It might send the wrong message”

Lexa’s eyebrow shot up. When Clarke shrugged it off, she realized she was getting a dose of her own medicine.

“It would appear our ties have weakened” Lexa concluded. “That there are chinks in this alliance”

“Yes”

“Right” Lexa acknowledged. She turned and found the Chancellor watching them intently. “Excuse me, Clarke.”

Abby expected the gesture and led her to a smaller but definitely more private room inside the suite.

“I apologize for that, Commander”

“No need” Lexa dismissed. She pulled out the letter from her pocket and handed it to Abby. “Please give this to her at any time after my plane has taken off”

Abby kept the letter and waited for what else Lexa has to say.

“You will stay in Polis from now on?” she eventually asked Lexa.

“Yes”

“And our alliance?”

“Remains”

“And your feelings for my daughter?”

“Inconsequential”

Abby nodded and offered her hand. Lexa took it in one firm shake.

“Travel safe, Commander”

“Lead well, Chancellor”

Lexa stayed in the room after Abby left. As much as she has returned to hating the quiet, she needed it now. She could not find the strength to bring herself to fake being okay with Clarke even if two minutes later she realized she was already missing her.

Again.

She thought back to how the woman she held hands with was so different from the woman she actually fell for. She had to remind herself that just because it was a Clarke she could not yet like or accept, it does not mean that this part of her was a lie. This was always a part of who Clarke Griffin is. The same way that her anger and pride has always been a huge part of her.

Lexa closed her eyes as she heard voices outside the door. She could make them out clearly. Clarke was arguing with Anya while Raven was surprisingly taking Anya’s side in the debate while simultaneously trying to pacify her friend. Octavia suggested breaking down the door twice. Anya was having none of it. Their voices fade as Lexa started to doze off. She thought it would have been a welcome escape but she kept hearing Indra’s warning over and over again.

There was no rest from that. As there is no rest from the destiny that awaits her.

She heard the door open and judging by the hesitant footsteps, she knew immediately it was Clarke. Footsteps was all she needed to guess correctly. But she would know the scent of Clarke’s perfume from miles away. It almost made her smile.

Almost.

“Lexa” Clarke called to her in the calmest version of her voice Lexa has heard all day.

Lexa did not say anything. She did not need to. She knew Clarke would walk in anyway.

Ten heartbeats.

Two words.

“Please stay”

Lexa slowly opened her eyes to be sure that the voice she knows really was coming from the Clarke. Her surprise at the affirmation rendered her speechless. Clarke studied her carefully. She could tell that there was still anger and resentment there but the plea was genuine.

“Let’s fix this”

“Fix what?” Lexa finally responded in a voice that she could not even recognize.

“Us. War. Death. All of it. Stay and let’s fix it”

Lexa heard Indra’s voice again. She heard the doubt earlier. She heard the fear. She heard the warning. Then she somehow heard her own voice. It was not wise to stay, no matter what Indra fears or no matter what Clarke begs.

Staying was a lie.

Hope was a lie.

Holding on would only break them beyond the point of return.

“There is nothing to fix” she expressed.

“If you really believe that, if you can look at me and tell me in all honesty, swearing on all of the universe, that there is absolutely nothing to fix or that there is nothing here you want to fix, I will walk out those doors and leave you be” Clarke bargained. “Look in my eyes. Tell me the truth and I promise you, I will let you go without any ill-feelings.”

Lexa gulped.

“There is nothing to fix”

Clarke shook her head.

“Liar”

“If you say so”

Clarke threw her hands up and let them fall back to her sides in surrender.

“You asked me earlier where that fight was coming from. You were right. It was as personal as it was social and political outrage.”

“I know”

“Lexa, I know you were the target!”

Lexa frowned at her, deciphering through a probable bluff.

“I’ve been studying. This has happened before. They targeted you because you were with me. Then when they found out you have a weapon that they cannot beat, they killed you. This is how you die and I will not have it. That is why I wanted control of the bomb. I do not want my people blown to extinction. Of course I don’t. But I also do not want you dead! I cannot lose anymore people I lo—“

_Say it, Clarke. Say it and I will stay._

“I have lost enough for one lifetime” Clarke corrected herself on time.

They both know it was hanging in the air. They both realize that in the past 24 hours, they have come so close to the only truth that matters but have come to hide behind every reason why it should not become an actuality.

Lexa took a deep breath.

“Do you want me to make a decision based on something I do not believe in?”

“I’m asking you do decide based on something I believe in” Clarke argued.

The announcement of Lexa’s pilot allowed them both a moment of release from each other’s gaze. They heard the buzz from outside the room. People were about to board the plane. Lexa saw the plea in Clarke’s eyes in the same instant that Clarke would have recognized the decision in hers.

“I have memories too” Lexa confessed.

“What?”

“Of us”

Clarke stared in disbelief.

“And they are different from yours” Lexa continued. “What if I remember things differently from the way you do. What if I remember us differently? What if in my memories I don’t die? I only fail in my duty?”

“What do you mean?”

Clarke’s hoarse whisper was so hauntingly beautiful that Lexa had to stop herself from being more mesmerized that she already was.

“We are not an omen for war, Clarke. We are a catalyst. We do not signal war. We start it”

Lexa justified the statement in her head as she was saying it. It was the only way for it to be convincing. She still did not believe the legend but the elements of it were starting to make sense. Indra could be right about the fact that certain groups of people will be so against this relationship that a rebellion strong enough to topple both governments could rise.

It was a risk she cannot take. Not for Arkadia and definitely not for her people.

Lexa is sure now.

She is the Commander of Blood. Her oath and her people come first.

“Legend says, we will burn down our nations for selfish pursuits” she delivered coldly. “My reason dictates that I cannot let that happen. If you are so sure of your memories, then I must trust mine. I’ve seen Polis is ashes. I have seen death over and over again and it was always because I chose to listen to my feelings. It ends now.”

Indra said truth was a weapon and she should wield it to spare anymore heartache and induce rationality. Lexa already knew this. And earlier she had tried to use it and she saw how deep of a cut it can create on a person and on a relationship. Now as Clarke starts to unravel in front of her eyes, Lexa realizes this is one weapon on the planet she has no idea to wield correctly.

Perhaps she told the wrong truth. Maybe she should have told Clarke about Indra’s fear of how the Commander always dies first. Of how it was not just a story to Indra but an actual premonition. But that was the truth that will create more problems.

That was the truth that might have cushioned Clarke’s pain but Lexa chose the truth that they could both not only live with but the also the truth that would allow them to live their lives.

Separately.

Lexa cleared her throat.

“Clarke-“

“You don’t even believe the legend!” Clarke yelped incredulously.

“And now you know why exactly!” Lexa raised her volume to meet hers. “Don’t you get it? We destroy the world every couple of centuries! Sometimes we get lucky and we only destroy each other, most of the time, we annihilate civilizations!”

“That does not even make sense, Lexa! You don’t believe it because you’re avoiding it?! That is as stupid as starting a war to achieve peace!”

“What would you know about war?” Lexa hissed.

“Well now that you ask, probably as much as you know about relationships”

Lexa bit her lower lip and clenched both of her fists just to control her emotions. There was no anger now. Unlike before, it was not rage she was holding back in. It was her desire to just pull Clarke for a hug. It was the nagging voice telling her to just apologize and stay and work this out. And it was the tears. If Clarke could manage not to cry in every single fight they have had today, she will manage not to shed a single drop in the next few minutes.

It proved a great difficulty because one look at Clarke and she was ready to cave.

So she looked away until she has full restraint on the feelings she never wanted to feel in the first place.

Lexa took a deep breath, found the coldest and gravest voice she knew had in her.

“Everytime you and I fall in love, the world ends”

Three heartbeats.

That was how far she was able to count until Clarke’s response hit her like a rogue comet from the sky.

“Funny, cause I honestly felt that mine only started”

Clarke’s command on resentment is incomparable as she walked out of the room without another word, this time with so much control, so little emotion and practically no fanfare compared to when she thundered out the library earlier.

Three heartbeats again before Lexa followed her out to what is now an empty room

“This is who I am, Clarke” she pronounced as she reached to stop Clarke from walking.  
“It’s who I’ve always been. I believe my oath is the most sacred covenant in my life. I believe that when you the fate of a whole nation in your hands, you do not hold it carelessly. I believe that feelings are weakness. I believe that you can fight to have someone important to you be in your life but at some point, you will have to let go. And yes, I believe you have to fight wars, and kill criminals if you will ever have the chance at a peaceful and secure life”

“You make murder sound so noble” Clarke remarked derisively

Lexa almost chuckled but shrugged it off.

“I think the punishment should fit the crime”

Clarke nodded, with the same fed up expression Lexa was wearing earlier. She pulled her arm away and Lexa read her body language clearly. Keep your distance.

“As you fly home with your philosophies, maybe you can figure out how to punish a heartbreaker”

Lexa shook her head at how stubborn Clarke was. She also chastised herself inwardly at how easily baited she is when it was Clarke hold the rod of the argument.

“That’s not fair” she impugned. “Stop making this about our relationship.”

“No, you killing those villagers and thinking it’s not personal is unfair. You leaving now is unfair. You asking me to look at this as anything other than murder is unfair. You spending the night while knowing this was how the rest of the day will go is unfair! You making me believe that we have something real here and just disregarding it completely in the name of the most backward-thinking oath in this century is unfair!” Clarke ranted at her.

“What do you want me to do?” Lexa demanded.

Five heartbeats.

Ten between the both of them. None in sync.

That was how Lexa knew that the goodbye was happening whether either of them say it or not.

“Go” Clarke said firmly. “I think you might be the only one not on your plane

“They will wait—“

“They have waited long enough to have their Commander back”

Lexa nodded. She followed Clarke outside of the suite. Gus was waiting for her at the gate. They walked towards him in silence. She was surprised when Clarke did not turn to leave when they reach the gate.

“You do not have to stay”

“I will”

“I understand this is difficult—“

“I will watch you go” Clarke contended fiercely. “You? You will watch me not break”

Lexa took two steps backward, holding Clarke’s gaze for as long as she could. Neither of them said goodbye. Neither had to. When she finally turned and started walking out of the gate, she could feel the warmth of her tears. She held them back again. She has known too much pain in her life to cry over a girl.

Even if she was the girl.

She will not cry for her.

Lexa fought back the tears and one. It felt like a war lasting for an entire lifetime. It was in reality about ten seconds because that was when Clarke called out to her. She stopped walking and decided not to turn around.

“I guess you have a preference” Clarke said plainly.

It was this simplicity in her tone, free from anger or accusation or even pain that made Lexa realize that Clarke finally did just bid her goodbye. She had no idea what she was talking about but she knows farewell when she hears it.

Her last hours in Arkadia played back in perfect detail in her head that she did not realize the plane had taken off. Anya sat across the table separating them. She did not say a word so Lexa did not either. They both turned to the other side of the aisle when Raven gasped at something below them.

Lexa saw it ahead of Anya. A black dot in the airport’s VIP parking spot.

“She’s watching you go” Anya said when she realized it was the limo Clarke rode in with her mother.

“She said she would” Lexa relayed, her throat dry. That was when she realized what Clarke's parting words meant. A call back to their inside joke and stare contest. Lexa used to debate which was better - leaving Clarke or watching Clarke leave. She claimed not to have a preference and Clarke would always tease her about it.

Anya did not have a response. She merely kept her eyes on Lexa.

Lexa wished she would just ask her already. But that was never how things worked between them. Anya will let her simmer in her frustration for as long as she could. If she does not break, it will never be talked about.

“Did she think I would just stay?” she dropped her voice when she finally gave up.

Anya smiled that patient but sad smile at her again. She did not answer right away. Lexa knew she was phrasing the reply in a way that would infuriate her the least.

“I think she wanted to know that if you could, you would have”

Lexa scoffed so loudly, Anya thought she choked.

“Did you tell her about how the village were mostly Arkadian rebels?”

“No.”

“Did you tell her Indra warned you about the certainty of you dying first?”

“No.”

Anya slumped her back on her chair. She oozed with her own brand of exasperation at how Lexa chose to handle the situation.

“Commander, did you lie?”

“I deceived” Lexa corrected.

“You made her think she was not as important as being a leader to your people?”

Lexa frowned at her. It was an absurd question considering they were on a plane back to Polis, with full access and disposal of a nuclear weapon that will ensure her nation’s victory as well as having one of Clarke’s best friend who is, in theory, serving sentence for a crime.

“She is not” Lexa insisted.

Anya smirked. “Are you deceiving me now?”

“You know the truth. Why would I bother?”

“What did you tell her then?”

“That she and I are a catalyst to the apocalypse”

“Does she think you’re lying?”

Lexa closed her eyes, the pain of the today finally catching up to her.

“Yes”

Indra was right. Truth was a weapon. And it is deadlier when used against someone who chooses not to recognize it.

Lexa wished she had just lied. About everything. She wished she had just told Clarke an elaborate ruse on why she can’t be with her. She should have made up a fake relationship at home waiting for her. She should have just told her that she was warned that Clarke will literally be the one who will kill her.

She should have lied because Clarke would have probably believed that more than she believes everything else she has tried to explain.

“Commander?”

“Yes, Raven?”

“When you allowed Clarke to think you were lying, did you allow her to think you did not love her?”

Lexa faced Raven and could not come up with an answer.

Raven pursed her lips at her.

“Because that would have been the most unforgivable deception of all.”

Lexa did not answer her. She replayed their last conversation in her head. Clarke had to know she loves her. She never said she did not love her. She never even said that she was unimportant. She simply chose to honor her oath and fulfil her duties.

But she never told her she loves her.

“She will know” Anya said quietly, reading through the impenetrable fortress Lexa rebuilt around herself. “One day, she will understand”

“Just not forgive”

“You don’t know that”

“Raven?” Lexa turned to their guest. “Has Clarke ever forgiven someone who deceived her?”

Raven was proud was she shook her head.

Lexa thought about the letter she wrote Clarke. She needs Clarke to read it as soon as possible. It was meant to be an antidote to the sting and venom of the reality they had to face today. Now, however, she needs it to work as a truth serum to show Clarke that she never technically lied to her. Not about who she is and definitely not about how she feels.

Of course she loves her. That was the truth.

And Clarke would know that. If just reads the letter. She just needs to read the letter. She would know just how much of Lexa is hers. She would know all of the truth. And while they will always be imprisoned by it, it will not waver. While they will always have to contend with the reality of who they are to this world and what being together means to a public that could not accept them, the truth, no matter how deeply wrapped in lies will live on.

“But you did not technically lie to her, did you, Commander?” Raven asked when it was only the three of them in the room after the plane has settled at its required speed and height.

Lexa’s reply was as ominous as her need for Clarke to read her letter.

She articulated the lesson she had to learn in the hardest and most painful way.

**_“The most effective form of deception is when you weaponized truth”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breakups are hard. Fighting for something that is not meant to work just yet is painful. There is no other way to say it. Goodbyes are just impossible to deal with sometimes. If I somehow managed to do this chapter justice and to have clearly conveyed how saying goodbye to something real should feel like -- I apologize for the pain. 
> 
> This was a really hard chapter to write and read back. I know it will not be popular and I know most of you will hate it. I still welcome all forms of comments about it because I have never been more unsure about my writing as I am with this chapter and I need would be grateful for feedback to aid future updates. I apologize for the wait. It was a struggle to find the words for this one. Thank you for reading and I'm sorry for all the angst.


	11. Initiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving on is a process. Learning is a choice. Life is a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is longer than usual. This is dark. This is heavy. There is violence and there is heartache. I apologize in advance.

(Clarke’s POV)

 

Clarke did not read the letter.

It has been two weeks since Lexa left and she still has not read the letter. In the one week she spent in Arkadia, her mother tried to wiggle the contents of the letter out of her. And she might have been successful because if there was anything that the Polis State Visit managed to influence them on is how to be a little craftier in gathering information. But there was no information to gather.

Clarke simply refuses to read the letter.

She wants to move on.

She spent five days on medical mission trips all over the country before going back to her university. She went through sleeves of sketch pads before realizing that the reason why her sketches weren’t coming off right was because she was still trying to draw her.

Lexa.

Clarke pulled over on the side of the empty highway. She was on her second hour of the five hour drive back to school. They were now in the middle of nowhere of the drive, in between major cities with nothing but desert and canyons surrounding them. She would have taken the plane but she wanted the time to think. Alone. It took some convincing on the Chancellor’s part but an unmarked sedan and an SUV of guards later, she was off.

She glanced at her rear-view mirror and sure enough the sedan containing three Special Forces soldiers parked a respectable distance from behind her car. The SUV containing her usual set of bodyguards parked farther ahead of her. It was a system that her guards and Lexa’s people had worked out. And considering this was the sixth time she has pulled over on the side of the road, the men who exited the vehicles have now learned not to ask why they stopped yet again.

Clarke exhaled sharply.

Thinking about Lexa makes her stop. Stop driving, stop going, stop breathing. If only she could stop thinking about her too.

She reached for her phone and read a text from Octavia. It was an apology from the Skype call mishap they had last night. Apparently, Octavia spends her Friday nights and weekends in Trikru Tower as part of being Indra’s apprentice. Clarke was excited about this because the Wi-Fi in the Academy is almost non-existent. After not talking for the whole week, Octavia finally called her at one in the morning in Polis and they Skyped for a good three hours before Clarke noticed that Octavia was not even in her bedroom.

“Wait, where are you anyway?” she asked her friend, squinting at the background of the video feed.

“Indra’s office. I have to sort through some of her reports and I figured I’d sleep here tonight”

Clarke raised her eyebrow. “You can sleep in her office?”

“Yeah. There’s a cot in her conference room” Octavia laughed. “Not that I would be getting any sleep. I have to be up in an hour so I think I’ll just—“

Octavia must have heard the door creak open. In her short time training in the Academy and in every spare minute she spends shadowing Indra, she has gotten remarkably good being aware of every little thing happening around her. She must have heard the door but Clarke could have sworn that what alerted Octavia was the fact that she had stopped breathing.

It was a dance of shadows.

The room was illuminated by a lone lamp on sitting at the side of the table Octavia was using and the faint glow of the moonlight from the open porch. Octavia had mentioned that Indra’s office was on the 25th floor of the tower and has a pretty good view of the sky. Clarke had gasped when Octavia first showed her how close the porch seemed to the full moon last weekend.

But that was nothing compared to this.

The moon was nothing compared to her. The phases and the play of silhouettes all pale in comparison to the lone figure that stood by the door, face half concealed in the shadows. But Clarke knew it. She has memorized every turn and curve of it. She gasped when the figure stopped by the door wordlessly. And it wasn’t until Octavia slowly turned away from the computer that Clarke realized how much holding her breath hurts her chest.

It was suffocating.

Seeing her again, clothed in the dark and concealed by the circumstance, was consuming. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to think. It hurt to try and stop herself from wishing she would step away from the shadows. It hurt more remembering that she does not want to see her. She should not see her.

Lexa stepped forward, in sweat pants and a fit training t-shirt that highlights her enviable physique. Her green eyes, luminous as ever, zeroed in on Clarke’s face on the screen. If she was as shocked or as mortified or as in pain seeing her for the first time since their airport farewell, she did not give it away. She didn’t even acknowledge she saw her. She offered a small and controlled smile at Octavia, almost as if it was an apology for disturbing her. Clarke wanted to rip her chest open if it would mean that it will hurt less because that smile, though distant and cold compared to the ones which used to be reserved for her, was intoxicating. Like a potion you would willingly drink over and over again, even if you knew it was poisonous.

“Octavia” Lexa spoke. “I was looking for Indra”

Octavia cleared her throat and while Clarke heard it, she could still not bring herself to breathe.

“She was packing earlier, Commander. For next week’s trip. I was supposed to be sorting out reports and briefs tonight” Octavia answered and as drunk as Clarke felt at that moment, she noted the change in Octavia’s tone and demeanor. She was no longer just friends with Lexa. She really was a cadet with the highest regard for the Commander.

“I see” Lexa nodded and turned to leave, without so much as shooting another glance at the screen.

Clarke finally allowed a small exhaled breath to escape her lips and that was when she remembered to breath. Only, breathing reminded her of a lot more than she bargained for. Breathing in Lexa’s presence reminded her of how angry she still was. She took another shallow breath and realized that her chest was not in pain because she panicked at the sight of her ex or because she was not used to holding on to anger with this magnitude or even because she is sad or heartbroken about how their relationship ended.

She just misses her.

Clarke misses Lexa.

And missing her is like getting wasted the night before your final exams. You thought you were fine because your mind wasn’t even buzzing, you weren’t even dizzy and you hardly threw up. It was all good and fun but the minute you wake up in the morning with the skull-splitting headache, you know that extra shot was not worth it. You still know the answers to your test because you’re a smart and sensible person who has a good handle on academics. But no one educated you on how to write down the answers your brain knows but the rest of your body rejects.

So you end up winging that exam long enough until you absolutely have to run to the bathroom to puke out the contents of last night’s mistake. And you swear you would never drink again.

Missing Lexa was a drunken state of knowing why they were not together but having every piece of her being rejecting the reasons. Clarke wanted to hurl as she swore she would never think of her again.

That last thought was not worth it.

“Commander” Octavia’s hint of urgency as she called out to Lexa effectively disallowed Clarke to follow through on her personal promise. “Indra mentioned—well, should I send them up?”

Clarke saw Lexa hesitate before nodding wordlessly. She left with a soft click of the door and Clarke felt the room grow ten times darker. It was a stupid thought and a useless sentiment. She was getting angry at herself for even feeling that way but Octavia had gotten up from the table and was whispering on a radio.

“What was that?” she asked when her best friend returned.

“Nothing.”

“Who… Who were you sending up?”

Octavia avoided her eyes.

“Never mind. None of my business” Clarke muttered.

“Clarke.”

“It’s fine, O. I just didn’t expect see to her”

Octavia opened her mouth like there was an explanation but when she met her best friend’s eyes, she sighed heavily and in defeat.

“Why don’t you just cry it out?” she teased. “You do realize that’s how people deal with heartbreak, right? Crying? It’s a human thing”

“You don’t cry” Clarke teased back.

“I’m a super soldier, Princess”

“I’m okay”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Look, I don’t like how things went down and ordinarily, I would have punched her already but I can’t do that. The same way that you can’t just pretend to be okay or force yourself to be. It’s okay not to be okay, Clarke. She meant a lot to you”

“It’s over now, O.

“Yeah. It doesn’t make you weak, you know. To take time for yourself.”

“I don’t need to. I’m driving to school tomorrow and I should be busy when I get there”

Octavia stared her down through the webcam.

“Wanna hear a secret?” she asked when Clarke gave her a suspicious look. “I think Raven is seeing somebody.”

Clarke shook her head as she tried fighting off a laugh. Sometimes it’s ridiculous how oblivious Octavia can get. When she didn’t respond, Octavia sighed over dramatically.

“I think you should get some sleep. You have a long drive tomorrow” she said, her face full of annoyed frustration.

“Why the hell are you pissed at me?” Clarke demanded, not being able to control her emotions. Ordinarily she would have let this kind of exchange pass. Between her and Octavia, her friend was the one who had no patience regarding a pretense of emotional stability.

“You miss her, Clarke!”

“I do not!”

“I don’t know which is more pathetic – you missing her when you’re the one who broke up with her or the fact that you miss her at all. She hurt you and you could have chosen to forgive her but you chose to walk away, which I might add was the right choice for everyone in this equation but you. And now here you are trying to convince me that you’re okay when you’re not. I’m not even telling you to move on. I’m telling you to acknowledge that you’re hurt so you _can_ move on and you’re not listening!” Octavia ranted, barely taking a breath.

The thing with Octavia is, she rarely rants and hardly ever gets visibly angry. While she did not look angry now, the bite in her mini speech was enough to alert Clarke that this conversation should probably end before the two of them end up in a fight.

“I should get some sleep.”

“Yes, you should.”

“Fine. One last thing” Clarke said, her jaw setting.

“What, Princess?”

“I’m not hurt. I’m angry”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You know you’re not being strong. You’re being stubborn. I’d be a little more sympathetic but that’s difficult when your best friend is lying to you. Then again, you won’t even be truthful to yourself, I can’t expect you to be honest with me”

Octavia didn’t bother saying good night before ending the call and Clarke had to stop herself from tossing her laptop across the room.

Heartache does not dwell with her.

Not that she would ever admit this to be heartache. She found in the last couple of days that it’s better not to count what she and Lexa had as a real relationship because perhaps then it would be easier to just forget about how they felt together. If it wasn’t real, if it was temporary…if it was nothing more than an accident, it would not hurt as much. The sting of being let go, being unwanted and being betrayed would not leave a permanent scar.

She didn’t want to feel like Lexa betrayed her because she knows that Lexa had already broken too many rules and was as honest as she could be with Clarke. But the words would come back to her. Lexa admitted having memories of past lives too. And political ethics aside, that’s what keeps Clarke awake at night. She remembers romance while Lexa remembers death. Clarke has resolved to fight this legend and its prophecies and has resolved to protect Lexa and their future but Lexa would so willingly cast her aside.

For duty.

Clarke groans at how she can’t even be mad at that fact.

She understands it. She knows who Lexa is and she knows she can never be angry over what makes Lexa great. But that doesn’t mean that it does not hurt any less. And a part of her still can’t shake of the anger of being used. Lexa has always believed that falling for each other was a bad idea. She has always known how this would end. She has decided that she would end it but she let Clarke fall for her anyway. For what? A bargaining chip in deals she came in Arkadia to win?

Clarke fell for her.

Clarke fell for her anyway.

“And that’s why I’m fucking angry” Clarke muttered acidly as she tossed her phone softly at the passenger seat without responding to Octavia’s text. She closed her eyes, willing the tears away, when a knock on her car’s window startled her.

A soldier, about her age, dressed in an all-black ensemble like she was straight out of The Matrix, motioned for her to roll down her window.

“Sorry to disturb you, Miss Griffin but is everything alright?” she asked, eyes more suspicious than they were curious or concerned.

“Luna” Clarke greeted her with a polite smile. “I told you, you don’t have to check on me every time I pull over.”

“And I apologize, Miss Griffin but I already told you. I don’t answer to you”

Clarke nodded in defeat. Luna, whether that was her first name or last name Clarke did not know, was the lone female soldier in the Special Forces Unit Lexa had sent to protect her and the Chancellor. It didn’t take long for Clarke to figure out that Luna had a very specific assignment: her.

Apparently, she was the head of the detail assigned to Clarke. She was very good at her job and for the most part, not at all invasive. But she has a tendency to overreact. Just three days ago, the medical team Clarke was joining for a medical mission was subjected to background checks following Intel that there were rebels looking to ambush the trip. Luna, though silent and polite when Clarke told her it was a reach to suspect these people, was very honest in saying that Lexa had specifically told her not to allow Clarke to wave her off.

Of course, the Intel report had some truth to it. When they arrived at the town they were visiting, a group of men in their late 20s, after asking to shake hands with Clarke, overstepped their boundaries. Most of Clarke’s security team thought they were just fans or rowdy boys and while they tried to create a safe distance, two of the boys drew out knives.

They never really found out if the knives were going to be aimed at Clarke. Luna had them writhing on the ground in a matter of seconds, with select martial arts moves focused on their jaws and knees. The medical team ended up having to patch the boys up before the police could take them back to the capital.

Luna checked if Clarke was hurt and when it became apparent that she was not, she walked away silently. Clarke asked her later that day how she knew that the men were dangerous. Luna shrugged. Clarke thanked her for allowing them to be taken by the Arkadian police and not be subjected to Polis practice. Luna looked surprised at the gratitude but did not say anything.

“For a second, I thought you would have killed them”

“Would that have been better for you, Miss Griffin?’

“What? No, no. I don’t—No” Clarke fumbled.

Luna nodded then walked away again. After that, she learned to trust the Special Forces a little more.

Clarke could feel Luna’s eyes on her and decided maybe this drive was not the best idea after all.

“Luna, could you do me a favour? Could you maybe, drive for the next hour while I make an important phone call and rest a little?”

Luna nodded then signalled at the SUV and the sedan. Clarke stepped out of her car and was surprised when Luna stopped her from getting in the passenger seat.

“You have to ride in the backseat, Miss Griffin”

“You’re kidding? It’s my car!” Clarke laughed nervously.

“And it’s my orders” Luna said, holding the door of the backseat open.

Clarke grudgingly made herself comfortable in the back as Luna drove them on the highway. Her phone buzzed about five minutes into the nap she was faking and when she saw Octavia’s face smirking on the screen, she finally answered.

“Hey” she greeted.

“Ah, she speaks. I thought you were going to blow me off until you get to school” Octavia ribbed from the other end. “Should you be talking to me while driving?”

“Luna is driving” Clarke replied, shooting her driver and new personal bodyguard a quick look. She was ignored back.

“Ah. The Special Forces girl? She has quite a reputation here.”

Clarke sat up properly, suddenly interested. She caught Luna taking a peek at her on the rear view, probably startled at her sudden movement.

“Do tell”

“She’s one of Lex—“

Octavia stopped herself and Clarke could hear her gulp. She wondered if Octavia was stopping herself for her benefit or if her friend was not alone wherever she was calling from. She quickly decided not to ask.

“She’s just one of the elite soldiers. I hear she could have been the youngest general.”

“But?”

“Conflict…”

“With?”

Octavia cleared her.

“Is she there, O?”

“No. I just figured it would be better if you don’t really hear her name as much”

Clarke chuckled appreciatively. “You were saying just last night-“

“I was wrong. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. You deal with this the way you want to” Octavia apologized, her sincerity oozing. Clarke could also hint the slight annoyance.

“Raven is there, isn’t she?” Clarke guessed when she put two and two together. Octavia, as much as her loyalty and sincerity are never in question, hardly ever uses a filter. The only time she would employ one would be if someone compelled her to. Someone who would share her sentiments and someone who would be privy to the Lexa situation. “You might as well put me on speaker.”

Octavia snorted then soon enough, Clarke could distinguish a change in the background noise of the phone call. She stole another quick glance at Luna to see if she was listening to more than she should. As far as she could tell, her temporary driver was focused on driving at the very empty highway.

“Hello, Princess”

Clarke rolled her eyes at the nickname. No matter how much has changed in the last couple of weeks, she was grateful at how some things remain.

“Hey, Rae. Are they treating you alright over there?”

“She has a snazzy loft across Trikru Tower, she’s fine!” Octavia supplied, cutting off Raven. “Here I thought she was supposedly on exile.”

Clarke felt a lump on her throat as she remembered why Raven was there in the first place.

“Raven, I am so sorry” she said. “You should not be there.”

The silence on the other line made Clarke feel guiltier because she knows her friends were probably in the middle of a stare down on how to respond to her. She knows Raven must be scared out of her mind to basically be drafted. She also knows that they only recently started rebuilding their friendship and no one wants to stir up anything.

“It’s my fault” she asserted. “I’m sorry I ever asked you to look into the bomb.”

“Clarke, we didn’t have to say yes” Raven finally replied. “This whole thing sucks but we chose to help. And that was every bit us doing our part for our country, okay? You were doing what you think was right. Stop blaming yourself.”

“Are they treating you right?” Clarke whispered. She didn’t want Luna to think that she was accusing anyone in Polis but more importantly, she didn’t want her reporting back to Lexa that she was asking these kinds of questions.

Raven chuckled. “Yeah. Octavia wasn’t kidding about the loft. It’s heavily guarded and Anya checks on everything everyday but other than that, it’s a pretty sweet prison.”

“You’re on house arrest?” Clarke whispered alarmed.

“No, silly” Raven laughed. “It’s not an arrest. Lexa just said something about making sure I stay alive for the duration of my stay”

Clarke’s breath hitched at the mention of Lexa’s name.

She didn’t think it was a big deal. With the exception of Octavia, no one has bothered filtering that out around her so she thought she was used to it by now. It didn’t hurt as much when she hears it from people in the Mansion. But Raven speaks it with a degree of regard and familiarity that Clarke finds herself aching for the girl who broke her heart.

“Nice going, genius. What happened to not speaking of the devil?” Octavia spat at Raven.

“It’s fine, O” Clarke quickly amended. “I’m fine. As long as you two are doing well, I’m good.”

Another bout of silence passed between the friends and Clarke tried to control her breathing. Luna must have noticed the change of mood because she asked if everything was alright. Clarke assured her that nothing was wrong. At this point, she should just record herself and play “I’m fine” or “Nothing’s wrong” to anyone who asks or speculates.

“So… No gossip for me?” she asked her friends to lighten her mood. “Surely you two must have met interesting people already?”

“Ah, interesting people” Raven chuckled. “Octavia has not met interesting people but is paying really close attention to one of Le— to this soldier who met us in the airport. I think he’s Special Forces, too.”

“He?” Clarke smirked.

“Yeah, he” Raven replied without any bitterness or resentment. “I just really can’t gay the hell out of her”

The three of them laughed in chorus, making Clarke miss them more. Octavia then went on at how hot this soldier was. Apparently he’s one of the younger high ranking soldiers and while he appears to answer to Anya and Indra, it seemed like he’s the chief of the Special Forces. Clarke asked how she knew this, fearing that stalking was a crime in Polis. Octavia at first tried to come up with a small lie or even an outrageous joke until Clarke figured out that it had something to do with Lexa.

“She trusts him, doesn’t she?” Clarke guessed. “He’s in her personal circle?”

Clarke allowed herself to recall something Lexa had told her before. It was on their “first date” when she had shown Lexa her gallery. There was piece she entitled trust and Lexa had asked how easy was it for her to trust someone. Clarke had said that it depends. There are people she has known all her life but she still could not trust. While there are those she had only met and did not even need to earn it. Lexa almost looked embarrassed when they locked eyes at that time.

Clarke threw the question back at her and she divulged that she could count the people she trusted in Polis in one hand and she would have fingers to spare.

“Yeah” Octavia replied. “And that Luna girl driving you? She gives direct reports to him too. I heard that one from Indra”

“To him? Not to—?”

“What’s wrong, Clarke?” Raven asked when Clarke’s thoughts drowned away her words.

“Nothing. Just— She said she has direct orders from the Commander” Clarke whispered again. “I just thought—I thought she was keeping an eye out or—never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

“She’s the Commander, Clarke. They all answer to her” Octavia tried to pacify.

“Sure. It really doesn’t matter. It’s better that way. For both of us”

“Clarke-“

“Listen, I’m gonna try and sleep. I’ll talk to you guys when I get to school” Clarke hurriedly ended the conversation. “You two keep safe, okay? Bye.”

As soon as she put her phone down, she looked up and saw that Luna was watching her as their speed slowed down.

“What is it?”

“Were you wondering who I answer to?” Luna asked her. “I had told you my orders came straight from the Commander.”

“Luna, you don’t have to—“

“But yes, I answer to the Chief of the Special Forces”

“Okay..?”

“Lexa and I do not speak if we can help it…”

Clarke raised an eyebrow in surprise. She was not bothered at the revelation in as much as the reference to Lexa on a first name basis. Even Anya hardly addresses Lexa by her first name. Clarke could feel a warm rise inside her chest, slowly constricting with the running thoughts of how it is that Luna was comfortable enough to refer to the Commander by her first name. She bit the inside of her cheeks when she felt that Luna was trying to gauge her reaction.

“So you do not report to her directly” Clarke croaked, the jealousy in her chest simmering. She has never felt it before and refuses to name it. Even if she knows that’s what it was. The concern that Luna and Lexa had a history she does not know of. There was a history there that she was not part of. It was positively pathetic but she could feel herself being flushed into a pool of anxiety that she could not even defend Lexa from whatever insinuation may arise from this conversation.

“Lincoln is a good buffer” Luna confirms with a nod, unaware that Clarke does not even know who Lincoln is. Or at least who the name belongs to. “And she listens to him. She trusts him.”

“She doesn’t trust you?”

“Not like she trusts him.”

There was something about the tone Luna used in admitting such truth that took away Clarke’s anxious jealousy and remind her that maybe she didn’t really know Lexa.

“Is that why you’re here? To keep you away from Polis?” she thought out loud.

“I’m here to keep you safe. Those are my orders. What goes on in Polis is none of your concern. All you have to know is that I will do my job, no matter who I answer to. You can stop being suspicious of me now, Miss Griffin. It helps no one.”

“Trust isn’t an easy commodity to come buy these days.”

“Agreed”

Clarke waited until they picked up speed again. She did not want to ask the question because she knows that the answer would either make her miss Lexa more or make her angrier. She could not afford to feel any of those anymore but part of her, a rather obnoxious part, will not settle.

“Did you…hurt her?” her voice was small but she heard it. She saw Luna’s eyes flicker on the mirror, actively avoiding her. She was hoping her inquiry would only come out as curious but it was riddled with worry and accusation.

Luna scoffed to herself before answering.

“The Commander does not get hurt.”

 _No shit,_ Clarke thought as she finally let the matter rest.

She picked up her phone and texted Octavia about the name ‘Lincoln.’ She asked if that was the name of her new crush. She stopped herself from asking what was it about him that Lexa trusted and what was with Luna that Clarke didn’t. If she was ever to move on from her, she needs to just let it go.

She needs to let her go. The same way that she thought she has at the airport. When she watched that plane take off, she was sure she had said her goodbyes. She was sure that in the morning, when she realizes that Lexa really did go, she would go back to being who she always was. She was sure that meeting her and losing her did not permanently alter her life.

Clarke closed her eyes opting to take an actual nap instead of just faking one but Luna’s words swayed in and out of her mind. She found herself wondering why Lexa would send someone she does not trust to protect her. She had convinced herself that as much as she knows Lexa cared, she did not care enough. But having the Special Forces Unit here, watching and keeping her safe had argued against that sentiment. Her anger was dissipating and her guilt was creeping in the more she thought about how harsh she was. She should have not let her emotions get the better of her. She was the one who expected and hoped more. She was the one who doubted Lexa’s concern for her when there was actual evidence of her disregard.

Aside from the fact that she left. Aside from the fact that she pointedly told her she cannot be with her.

Aside from the fact that she didn’t seem to have any trouble moving on.

Lexa was back to work the minute she landed in Polis. She was in headlines after headlines and judging by how busy has been according to Octavia, there was no slowing down of orders from the Commander.

But she sent people here to protect Clarke. And they have been very clear about the Commander’s orders. Clarke was to be unharmed in anyway.

But why would someone who cares so much send someone she does not trust? Would she put Clarke’s life in the hands of someone she does not even talk to? She would entrust someone supposedly important to her with someone irrelevant to her inner circle?

_I guess she moves on quicker._

Luna would not let her drive after her prolonged slumber. She muttered something about security threats as they neared metropolitan cities and how much harder it is to control factors there. Clarke didn’t bother arguing with her when she saw that the earpiece on Luna’s left ear had just finished blinking red. She has learned that this was an indication that there was a communication relay straight from either Polis or Arkadia.

When they finally arrived in her university, she dragged her suitcase four floors up her leased apartment. It was a modest two-bedroom she and Octavia had rented the minute their freshmen year ended. It was in the residential area of the university, smacked right in the middle of the pre-med and med colleges and the criminology department. She missed her best friend the minute she set her bad down.

Luna and Clarke’s usual female bodyguard followed her inside. They would take turns sleeping inside the now spare bedroom while the rest of her now overly cautious and overly qualified security detail would take turn guarding outside the door as well as making rounds outside the building and around their block. She used to only have two people as round the clock surveillance but after the breach, she could not out argue her mother’s paranoia.

Thinking of her mom, she shot a quick text to let her know she’s arrived safely before grabbing a beer from the grocery bag one of her guards were setting down on the small dining table. A beer for lunch. She was coping with heartbreak well. She told her guards to help themselves with anything they want or to order food in. She was going to spend the rest of the afternoon sleeping.

That was a lie. She hardly sleeps anymore. If she wasn’t studying, she was planning. If she wasn’t planning, she was spacing out between being angry and being guilty. She took a sip from the can of beer and tossed the rest of it in the trash.

She didn’t need the alcohol to be drunk. She has too many memories to intoxicate her.

Clarke threw herself on her bed and pulled the covers over her head. Her phone buzzed and she knew it was her mom calling. She let it ring without any intention of answering. Abby will want to ask the same questions again and Clarke does not have any new answers.

She thought back at their conversation a few days before. It was the first time her mom ever asked her at point blank about her relationship with Lexa. She didn’t think her mom ever would but then again, she was not doing a good job at hiding the fact that she has kept herself busier than usual. It could only ever mean that she did not want her thoughts to settle.

Clarke had just arrived from a trip to a nearby children’s hospital when she saw her mom’s nurse making her way to the Chancellor’s suite. She intercepted her and said she’ll do her mom’s dressing. It was the perfect excuse to see how well Abby was healing. She had overexerted herself that past week to the point that her stitches blew up.

“You know I’m still a doctor, right? A surgeon. Top of my class” Abby smiled when she saw Clarke entering her room with the nurse’s tray.

Clarke smirked, giving her mom a cold kiss on the forehead. She was not particularly affectionate lately but seeing her mother tethered to her bed just keeps reminding her that a little affection just might save them both from more pain.

“And when was the last time you even put a band aid on someone, mom?”

“Fair enough” Abby laughed, unbuttoning her shirt so Clarke could dress the stitches by her chest. “It was easier when I could just put a Band-Aid on all your cuts, huh?”

Clarke has caught the tone immediately. Her mom has been fishing for her feelings since they drove back from the airport. And every meal they shared together was a furtherance of her attempts at trying to find out how Clarke was coping with Lexa leaving. Whenever she asks, Clarke would give her the same answer.

_Nothing is wrong._

It is obviously a lie but Clarke knows how much her mom already has to deal with. The last thing she needs is stressing at how dumb her daughter’s choice of love interest was.

That and she still refuses to admit just how invested she was in that relationship. Lexa pointed out that Clarke was not burdened to make the decisions that a Commander is tasked with. Perhaps she was right and if so, then the only burden Clarke will solely shoulder is the anguish that comes with falling for one.

It’s her pain. No one else’s.

“Thank you, Clarke” Abby said, reaching out to give her hand an encouraging squeeze right.

“It’s practice”

“How are you?”

“I’m not the one who has wounds that need to be dressed. Or was ordered to take it easy by my doctors—you know, the ones still practicing medicine?” Clarke tried to joke, as she placed a new patch of gauze over her mom’s stitches.

“That’s because you’re wounded differently.”

Clarke sighed, controlling her hand’s force as she removed the cover of the adhesive to secure the dressing. She was finding it increasingly difficult to control her aggression lately. She was just easily mad all the time. And she can’t even let it out on anyone because there is no one else to blame.

This is her fault. She was the one who was delusional enough to think Lexa would stay.

“I don’t want to talk about it” she replied shortly. She took a deep breath and admired her handiwork. If only there was a way to make bandages appear more aesthetically pleasing.

“How serious was it, Clarke?” Abby had pressed on.

“Well, I didn’t need to be sedated”

“Clarke.”

“Why does it matter, mom?” Clarke resigned.

It was serious enough to make her want to stop a plane. It was serious enough to make her want to get drunk and cry. But not serious enough that she actually did either. And does it really matte? When either way it just hurts the same? When either way, she spends nights painting with colors she does not know how to use and mornings wishing she had it in her to cry the sleepiness away? When she still wants her no matter how angry she is?

“We had fun together, we can’t be together and she doesn’t want to be together. Also, she lied to me and I’m the unforgiving kind” she recited to her mother the monologue that she tries to use as a lullaby to send her to sleep every night. “Oh and the world will end if we ever manage to move past those”

Abby frowned at the last statement but she at that moment was not concerned about the world. She was just happy to have had some breakthrough with Clarke. Even if the breakthrough confirms her fears that her daughter finally allowed someone in only to be devastatingly disappointed.

“That serious, huh?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. Her mom can’t ever achieve her dad’s easy-going approach to a heart-to-heart talk.

“I’m fine”

“Fine enough to have been going through some of my paperwork?” Abby tested.

“Oh.”

If this was a change in topic, Clarke had welcomed it. She also knows she was about to be told off but at that time, she preferred a lecture on boundaries than a lesson on heartbreak.

“Clarke, this is dangerous. I know I gave you authority to do some minor work while I’m still recuperating but do not cross lines here.”

“I’m just trying to help” she defended.

“And I’m grateful” Abby said sincerely, squeezing her daughter’s hand again. “But you help plenty when you reach out to people and impact their lives. You help plenty when you strengthen our diplomatic relations by keeping friendships with guests. Leave the politics to me. We can’t have the press getting wind that my unelected and normally publicity shy daughter is meddling.”

“I am not meddling-“

“Clarke.”

“I’m not meddling, mom” Clarke insisted. She was actively trying not to meddle. The last time she meddled backfired in every possible way. “I’m keeping an eye out for you. And an eye on you. Someone has to.”

“What do you mean?” Abby searched her eyes for whatever she was missing.

“Lexa might have chosen her people over—Lexa has—Lexa’s principle and strategies are difficult to swallow sometimes” Clarke replied slowly.

There was still a sting on her tongue and a bitterness on her throat at the taste of Lexa’s name from her lips. It was like getting burned by the coffee you did not order. It wakes you up but not in a way that makes you look forward to the rest of the day.

“She has her faults but she was right about one thing. We can’t trust anyone right now. We need to be vigilant” she continued. “Maybe we should start looking within our circles. Start really looking into our ranks.”

Abby shook her head. “The second we give in to our paranoia, there will be chaos. Everyone will look like a suspect.”

“Maybe everyone is”

“I don’t want to think that of our people. Not unless we have hard, concrete proof. Do you understand me? We need to stand together, not rip each other apart.”

Clarke nodded. She shares the same view and would share the same stand. But she has been staying up more lately and that meant more time to read the news and study whatever report she can get her hands on from her mother’s office. And she has gone through half of her father’s old journals. She knew the stakes. She knew they cannot afford to be blind.

“I’m still going to look out for you” she promised her mom. “And attend some of your meetings for you.”

“If it means I get to keep you here for longer, okay” Abby settled, allowing Clarke to dress the smaller cuts on her shoulders. “Your decision to head back to school earlier than planned wouldn’t have anything to do with Lexa, right?”

“What’s she got to do with anything?”

“I visited your studio last night. There are three unfinished canvasses in the trash. They look at lot like Lexa’s outline”

Clarke scoffed. Of course her mother would snoop in her studio while she snooped in her office. She applied cream on the cuts now exposed on Abby’s shoulder gently. Maybe that sentiment her mom mentioned about putting band aids on her wounds was not entirely far off. It would certainly be easier – to find a way to just medicate the pain away.

She could use a good painkiller to numb everything away right now.

Including this conversation.

“I’m not leaving early because of her” Clarke resolved. “I just have to adjust not having Octavia there”

“You’re not running away from her?” Abby probed

“Well, considering she’s not here, I don’t have to.”

Clarke had put a little more still on the reply than she intended. Standing alone in her apartment bedroom now, fully removed from that conversation, the truth of that statement does not wane. In fact, it lingers more fervently now. It drills deeper into her chest, searching for the fatal spot in her heart.

“The walls don’t remind you of her?” Abby had asked, half-jokingly.

Clarke had looked up at her incredulously. It was lame joke enough as it is. It also conjured every memory she has of Lexa. No, the walls don’t remind her of Lexa. Everything does. Everything from waking up from broken sleep, to eating breakfast in silence, to riding in any car, to painting anything and to going to sleep without anyone holding her. To her dreams that are only ever about that goodbye in the airport. To waking up in the middle of night being scared that the next dream after that will be of Lexa dying.

Because of her.

She could not lose her twice. But everything reminds her of Lexa and that means losing her over and over again.

“Leave the walls alone, mom” she joked back.

Abby studied her. She didn’t avoid her mom’s eyes. She will see what she will see and for the most part, her mom will know what is true. She knows she cannot avoid the truth. What she can avoid is letting her mother share its consequence.

“Ah.” Abby declared both sadly and triumphantly.

“What?”

“You weren’t like this with Finn. And you dated him longer. Much longer.”

Clarke frowned. It was an unfair comparison.

“I wasn’t dating Lexa”

“But she was important to you” Abby had reminded her. There was no longer any inquiry. Whatever her mother saw in her eyes made her sure just how serious that relationship was.

“Hmm.”

Abby pursed her lips. “She still is?”

“She’s not here, mom” Clarke had pointed out, wishing all the more she could dress whatever it was still contributing to the unwanted pang from inside her. “She made her choice and so did I. I will not be reduced to some sappy teenager crying over a summer romance. We have our roles to play. Let that be it.”

It was another monologue that she tells herself at night. This was easier to accept because it was their reality. It was a softer blow to her steady decline into dejection because if she could not achieve keeping Lexa out of her mind, she will ring true to her promise that she will not break.

Clarke found a surprising comfort at how differently her mother had stared at her. As much as there was concern and a hint of sympathy, there was admiration as well. And pride. She felt like she just got accepted to Med School all over again.

“You are so strong, you know that?” Abby told her after she gave her mom a questioning look. “So strong handle all of this on your own. You have had such a tough year losing your father, Octavia leaving and this new development of a war? You have kept it together for so long I keep forgetting that you were never supposed to go through so much in such a short period of time. And now…this. Your strength, Clarke, is immortal. And so is your grace amidst the turmoil you try so hard to calm. I could not be prouder of you.”

“I feel like there’s a catch to that compliment”

“Maybe you can be strong enough to let me in someday”

Clarke had watched as her mother started to tear up. She did not have a response. She will shut everyone out if it means no one has to bear this kind of torture. She kissed her mom on the cheek and thanked her in a whisper. She apologized to her in her head. She will bear this alone. No one else was stupid enough to fall for the Commander of Blood.

This was on her.

“Can I ask you something? Off topic?” she had asked, finding an opening to inquire deeper into the political situation they were stuck on.

“Mhmm”

“Why are we against Azgeda?” Clarke gulped at how immature she sounded. Lexa would have rolled her eyes at the mere suggestion of the question. She pushed that thought away. “They’re sort of our neighbors to the North. We’re closer to them than to Polis”

“We’re not against them. Azgeda is against everyone. We’re on the defensive.”

“So our stand has nothing to do with our alliance with Polis?”

“We have an alliance with Polis because Azgeda poses a threat to our freedom as a people” Abby reaffirms with a frown. She was every bit as confused as she was concerned on the sudden interest with their position on such a volatile nation. “They pose a threat to humanity. Didn’t you used to ace your history classes?”

“Yeah. I was just thinking. We never bargained peace talks with them?”

“We have. A long time ago.”

“No go?”

“They play dirty, Clarke. As scary as Polis culture is, Azgeda makes them look like saints. Commanders of Blood keep them in their place.”

“Commanders aren’t big on peace though” Clarke had noted a little too grudgingly.

“No, they’re not. For what it’s worth… Lexa might be different. She might be more ruthless, more cunning. But she’s smart as she is stubborn and just different.”

“Than her predecessors? How so?”

“She listens” Abby had noted with unanticipated fondness.

Clarke unwisely allowed herself to remember at how well Lexa listened to her. She always went beyond the words, she would always pay attention to movement, sound, tone and sentiment. And she was never in a rush to respond. Clarke had to nudge her to get a reply from her. She seemed content in just listening and knowing her.

Too bad she didn’t listen enough. Not to Clarke’s plea. Not to the unsaid confession.

Not to Clarke’s heart breaking.

“Yeah…” was all she could answer, mind still stuck on the image of Lexa walking away from her.

“I’m sorry your lesson came before you were even initiated into this” Abby said after a while of studying Clarke get lost in the memories she so desperately wanted to part with now.

“What does that mean?”

Her mom smiled a knowing smile at her but didn’t say anything. It was this memory that finally sent Clarke to sleep for the rest of the afternoon. When she woke up early that evening, she found Luna standing by window in the living room, gaze set on whatever was outside. Her Arkadian bodyguard was by the door, offering her a timid smile before gesturing at the pizza box.

She didn’t ask what was making her two new companions so tensed. She took out two slices of pizza then head back to her room. She studied for the rest of the night and it was only when dawn was threatening its arrival that she stowed her books away. She hated the dawn now. The opening of a new day opens vexing memories and still fresh wounds. She pulled her curtains to close and climbed into bed.

This time though, like most of her pre-sunrise mornings, she was not able to sleep.

It had become a routine. Term had started that Monday and Clarke welcomed the hectic schedules and the unnerving stress because they truly did mean forgetting about Lexa. That’s until she had to bring herself to sleep at night.

Because the nights are always worse.

And the dawns are always haunting. As haunting as the memory of Lexa holding her in her father’s couch. So it was a routine. As soon as she gets out of classes, she will pour herself on every homework, reading, paper, research and note-taking in the library until she is basically shooed by the librarian. She would then walk the length of the campus back to her apartment, to the dismay of her security team. She would be so tired that she just has to fall asleep a little over midnight. She would wake up just around sunrise and she would curse. The cussing was a routine too.

Clarke stressed at how she was going to face the weekend without classes. She was already ahead of all her readings. She even finished a paper that was not due until two weeks. She contemplated driving back to the capital but she did not trust herself to be behind the wheel considering she is running on about eight hours of sleep. Total. For the week.

 

And she would rather walk all the way back to the Chancellor’s Mansion than share another eerie drive with Luna.

Turns out she only had to stress about half of the weekend as she spent most of Saturday asleep. A truly blessed, uninterrupted and dreamless sleep. It must be why she still found herself to be a good mood as she woke up to the angry ringing of her phone. Her eyes widened at the time flashing on her screen. It was almost 7 in the evening.

Sixteen hours of sleep. No memories. No dreams.

Sixteen hours.

Yet sixteen seconds back to consciousness, she was thinking of her again.

Clarke composed herself before answering Octavia’s call.

“Were you asleep this whole time?” her best friend asked.

“I guess. Yeah”

“You’re not sure if you were asleep this whole time”

“I was” Clarke chuckled. “Finally got your phone back?”

“I got it back last night but I figured you would still be in the library so I didn’t call. Would you believe me if I say I actually enjoy not having a phone during the weekdays? I mean, some cadets here complain but aside from not being able to check on you, there’s really no downside to being unplugged.”

Clarke sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes with her free hand while trying to imagine Octavia without a phone. It’s not that hard. In fact, between the two of them, O would be fine if they were to suddenly live in a technologically backward world. She, on the other hand, might have to adjust uneasily.

“Yeah, I can believe that” Clarke replied. “We haven’t talked all week, how’d you know I’d be in the library?”

“Cause I may or may not have eavesdropped when Indra and Anya were talking about you…”

Clarke grunted.

“They were just reviewing reports from your unit, Clarke. They weren’t even reporting back to—“ Octavia stopped and Clarke found that as the perfect opportunity to just drop that topic.

“So you talked with Lincoln yet? That is your soldier boy’s name, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s him alright. But he’s not ‘mine.’ And, nope. Not allowed.”

“Not allowed?”

“I don’t think he talks” Octavia laughs. “I mean, he does just not to cadets. Or…anyone he’s not required to answer to.  I asked Indra about him and she legit went ‘don’t even think about it’ and I’m beginning to wonder what it is Special Forces really do.”

“Why is that?”

“All their mission briefs are blacked out” Octavia whispered. “The relevant details anyway.”

“Hmm. Wanna hear something interesting?”

“Yeah?”

“Luna sort of hinted Lexa doesn’t trust her. They don’t even talk”

Clarke felt a lump on her throat which she has successfully gotten rid of during the week. The sting and the bitterness in the invocation of that name is still present. Prevalent.

But it does hurt less now. The pain of the goodbye does not wound her like it did a week ago. Being reminded of her again does not bring about the same sentimentality of wanting her back. Her wounds aren’t opening up anymore.

They’re just starting to scar.

They hurt less, she hurts less. They are becoming permanent reminders. Less painful, more real.

“Okay, let me change the topic” Octavia chuckled nervously. “I have my first test next week. Well, it’s not exactly a test, it’s more of a hazing but Indra is stressing about it.”

“She’s not the one testing you?”

“Nope. The Council of Generals are all gathering. I’m aiming for the record.”

“There’s a record?” Clarke smiled, knowing whatever it was Octavia would beat it. “What’s the test anyway?”

“It’s some sort of survival course. You’re marked for efficiency and speed. The efficiency record is a perfect mark so I’m aiming to beat just the speed. I told Indra about it and she scoffed. She said I should just concentrate on not making a fool out of myself.”

Clarke could hear the excitement and drive in her best friend’s voice. As against as she was with this whole idea of Octavia going to Polis, she can’t deny that it is bringing out the best of her. Distance was a small price to pay if it means Octavia gets the freedom to be who she’s always wanted to be.

“So why is it hazing?”

“People usually die”

“WHAT?”

Octavia laughed. “Not die but it’s dangerous. People quit, get injured and some time ago, yeah there were deaths.”

“And this is mandatory?”

“We all have to prove ourselves in the face of death, Clarke”

Clarke rolled her eyes, grateful that they weren’t talking in person.

“You’re starting to sound like my mom. Who is starting to sound like someone from Polis.”

“You know…they’re not bad people. Just different from what we are used to”

“Yeah” Clarke knows this. It’s why she had to respect Lexa’s decision to put her duty above their relationship. “Try not to die out there, will you?”

“The only thing getting killed is Lexa’s record”

Clarke cleared her throat, edging the discomfort of Lexa’s name.

“What do you mean?”

“She holds the record. She finished the course in 5 hours. The next fastest one is 11 hours, which was Indra when she was younger”

“No way?” Clarke smiled despite herself. She tried to tell herself that it was nothing. It was probably just a normal reaction to an admirable accomplishment. It was nothing different from being in awe of random athletes on TV.

The staggering rapids inside her chest told her she is a terrible liar. Amidst her fury at the Commander, she somehow swelled with pride. Of course Lexa would hold the record.

“Yeah. She’s pretty amazing. If we count out that she hurt my best friend rather badly” Octavia carefully joked.

“I’m fine.”

“Of course you are.”

“Shut up.”

Octavia laughed again and Clarke contented herself to listening to it.

“Hey” Octavia broke their comfortable silence. “Just because I understand her more now does not mean I think it’s okay that she hurt you.”

“I know, O. Join the club” Clarke replied with a bitter chuckle. “I guess that’s why this is hard, huh? I get it but I don’t like it? I’m starting to blame her less. This is as much my fault as it is hers. It must not have been easy for her to walk away. Unless it was then I should just go back to being angry again…”

“You miss her?”

Clarke nodded, forgetting that her friend could not see her. Octavia didn’t have to see. The silence was enough.

“Hey, Princess”

“Yeah?”

“You’re fine” Octavia assured her warmly.

“Love you”

“Right back at you, sap” Octavia laughed. “Listen, I should get off the phone now. Unless you want to hear her voice in like two minutes.”

Clarke pondered on it longer than she would have wanted. She has been doing such a good job at blocking out the permanent loop of Lexa’s whispers in her ears that she was certain she was starting to forget how the sound of her voice makes her feel. It’s a constant battle of wanting to forget and making sure she never does.

“Yeah, you should go. Call me tomorrow when you can? I have to run something by you.”

“Mind telling me what? Cause the last thing you ran by me was a little nuclear?”

“Good night, Octavia!” Clarke chuckled nervously. She ended the phone call and stared at the gigantic world map posted on the wall in front of her bed.

Nuclear.

She really did ask her friends to look into a nuclear bomb. If she had to make that choice all over again, she probably would have. The world was too big and too full of people to entrust something so catastrophic in the hand of just one super nation. 

In just one person.

Clarke eyes focused on the region of the map where Polis was located. She wondered what Lexa was doing right now. Did she somehow catch Octavia talking to her on the phone? Does it bother her? Does she miss her too? Probably not.

Forget the bomb, a broken heart was deadly enough to turn the world darker than it was.

Maybe less casualties but when you’re the one in the line of fire, there is no escaping it.

The weekend passed and Octavia didn’t get to call Clarke back. When Monday rolled in, Clarke shook away her worries of how her best friend was because she received an e-mail from her, saying she was going to spend the week focused on her first major test. Clarke quickly drafted a good luck message before heading to class. It was a nice and breezy morning that she opted not to take her car across campus. Her guards didn’t say anything but she knew they were growing impatient with how little she values her security.

Her security is not her top concern right now. Her sanity is.

Clarke could see her building from the corner when she got the news.

Before she even finished reading the text from her cell phone, she already heard tires screeching from a distance and her Arkadian guard was already pulling her to the nearest tree for cover while Luna had a hand to her gun, shielding them both from unseen threats. The students around them halted. They knew who Clarke but the campus was usually free of any fuss about her status. Clarke wanted to melt when she started hearing the buzzing and her name being whispered around her.

“What happened?” she whispered urgently when she saw two SUVs speeding across them. She tried to pull up her phone to re-read her mother’s text message but Luna grabbed it out of her hand and turned it off. “What the hell?”

“We need to scan your phone before you send out any texts” Luna said, signalling for the SUVs to stop, as close to them as possible. “In the car, Miss Griffin”

Clarke boarded the backseat with two Arkadian guards flanking her on either side. Luna sat on the front seat and gave the signal for the driver to head out. She ran a device over Clarke’s phone before deeming it to be bug-free.

Clarke speed-dialled her mother as soon as she took hold of it, her heart overexerting itself with every unanswered ring.

“Someone better start telling me what the hell happened right now” she warned her companions in the car.

“The Chancellor was driving for an engagement in the city when a two men on motorcycles fired at her” the soldier driving the car told her, which earned him a death glare from Luna.

“Rebels?” Clarke asked after locating her voice. She glanced at the text her mom sent her.

_Clarke, stay in today. If you are on your way to class, head back to your apartment now. Call me as soon as you are safe._

“No” Luna finally answered.

“Then who?” Clarke demanded. She keeps calling her mother and it keeps going straight to voicemail.

Luna hesitated but looked like she was going to answer until her earpiece blinked again. Clarke held her breath at the color of the light, intent on hearing Luna’s whisper.

“All well. On our way back to her apartment” she hushed to whoever was on the other side. “No need—unless, she orders—no. No need. Okay, put her on the line”

Clarke exhaled sluggishly, feeling the tension in the labored air escaping her lungs and nose. She looked down and saw her clenched fist turning white as she anticipated the possibility that Lexa was on the other end of the Luna’s correspondence.

“General” Luna greeted in alert and Clarke exhaled what was left of her lungs’ air. “I understand. There has been very minimal changes here. Yes, all precautionary… Of course, I will. I have not… I understand. Will do, General.”

Luna glanced back at her when after the blinking on her ear went away.

“Your mother is fine but she is on the phone with the police and her personal guards as well as my Chief in Polis. Call her in a few minutes. As for who attacked her, they were not rebels. I have no authority to tell you their identities.”

Clarke frowned. “It will be reported in a couple of hours on the news.”

“The media is being told to withhold the information on their identities.”

“That doesn’t sound like my mother’s mandate”

Luna shrugged and didn’t answer.

“Indra told you not to tell me, didn’t she?”

“No.”

“You were going to tell me who until she called you.”

Luna smirked at her and Clarke’s impatience and frustration at how very little she was in the know grew ten sizes bigger.

“That was Anya” Luna explained as the car pulled to a stop in their apartment. “Stay in the car until your seemingly qualified team clears the area for any trespassers”

Clarke watched her get out of the car and stand guard, her earpiece blinking again. She was surprised it was Anya keeping tabs on her and not Indra. Then again, it’s not entirely unlikely that Indra just wants to move on from the anomaly that was her and Lexa’s relationship. She felt less intruded hearing that Luna’s superior was answering to Anya instead of…anyone else.

As soon as they were given the clear, she was rushed inside her apartment and was told to stay put. Her mom called her five minutes later and they spent an hour consoling each other as well as trading theories on the incident. Abby had been explicit: don’t meddle and let the authorities handle this. Clarke was not subtle as well: look into your security team. After they were both almost yelling at each other, Clarke promised her mother she would not do anything stupid. Abby asked her to define stupid and she laughed. She promised she will not do anything drastic if her mother puts her own security team on an emergency background check and surveillance.

“And who would you propose do that, daughter of mine?” Abby tested. “What if who conducts the test is in-league with them? You cannot suddenly decide they are not trustworthy because of one incident”

“Two” Clarke corrected her through gritted teeth. “Put Bellamy on it”

“You want me to pull Bellamy out of active military duty? For something personal?”

“Pretty sure it’s part of his job to keep you safe. You want me to give him a call? So they can’t trace it back to you?”

Abby hesitated.

“I trust him, mom.”

“I’ll think on it and will give him the call should I decide he is the right man for the job” Abby promised her. “For now, get some rest. There should be reporters there in a couple of hours. I assume you won’t be issuing a statement?”

“No. But you can tell your office that I said I’m happy you’re okay”

“Clarke?”

“Yeah, mom?”

“Nothing. We’ll talk about it when the hysteria has died down”

Clarke wanted to disagree but she felt like that either had something to do with her father or Lexa. Neither of those two topics were particularly appealing to her for the moment. Instead she opened the university’s website and tracked down a former TA who is now a graduate student. She may have promised her mom she would not do anything drastic and stupid, but she also vowed to watch out for her.

And if there was a way to aid in finding the source of this conspiracy against them, she will take it. She smiled when she found the information on the website. No picture. But a listing of his schedule and in-campus residence.

It was shady but under the circumstances, Clarke understood. She would not pose for the university website either but that was purely on personal reasons. She knew the man he was looking for had reasons beyond his control. Now, she only needed to find the perfect excuse on why they were going to this part of the campus.

Luna must know who lives there.

She would lose her mind but this was a calculated risk Clarke had to take.

“No” Luna told her three days later when Clarke decided that a lie would put them all in danger and honesty was the way to go.

She waited that long to make up her mind that this was indeed a calculated risk and not something she was doing purely on the offensive. Aside from that, she had to convince herself that there was some way this decision of hers would not reach Lexa.

Then she talked herself into thinking that it won’t matter to Lexa.

Somehow, she also managed to convince herself that she was not doing this to hurt Lexa. She doesn’t want to hurt Lexa. But she knows if word gets out, she might be doing that.

Screw it.

This is not about Lexa.

Clarke sent an e-mail to Octavia telling her about this but leaving the details vague. When she woke up that morning and there was no reply, she decided she could not wait any longer. There could be another attack soon. Just last night, the news was all about rebels and soldiers exchanging fire at the border in the Cold Mountains.

So there they sat, having breakfast, her two guards and her, in a café outside the campus when she dropped her not-so-little request. Somewhere between the freshly baked pastries, rich sausages and eggs complimenting the life-saving aroma of Clarke’s favourite coffee order, Luna choked and her other guard stared as though she tricked them both to eat with her so they would agree.

“I’m only going to see him to talk. It’s inside the campus and it will be easy for you to monitor the perimeter” Clarke reasoned. “I’m telling you now so you will have time to check out the area if that’s needed.”

“If that’s needed?” Luna repeated, pushing her French toast away. “Miss Griffin, I respectfully forbid you.”

“And I will respectfully go anyway. What are you going to do, chain me at home?”

Luna’s hand shot up to her earpiece but Clarke reached over the table to stop her.

“And you’re not informing Polis”

“I don’t answer to—“

“You don’t answer to me, yes yes. But think about it for a second. This is just a friendly visit. How do you think your Commander will react if she finds out it is happening? This will be blown out of proportion and what I am trying to achieve here will be in dust before it even materializes into something. It will not do either of our nations a favour”

“And what is it exactly you are trying to achieve, Miss Griffin?”

Clarke’s face was smug as she took a sip of her coffee.

“I am not authorized to tell you. I ask for one hour. If anything undesirable happens, you can call whoever you want. If this goes smoothly, it can be our little secret” Clarke’s smug smile turned to an overly sweet one and she had to laugh at how the two women across the table from her made an involuntary backtrack. “That goes for you two. You’re not telling my mother”

Luna exhaled sharply and nodded.

“One hour and I will drag you out of there, if I have to”

Clarke thanked her and sipped her coffee silently. She did not think it would be that easy. She checked her watch.

She has about nine hours to figure out how to sweet talk the Prince of Azgeda.

As she rode in a newly provided bulletproof sedan towards the other side of her university’s campus, Clarke’s mind could no longer wander away from her short talk with Lexa on the last night they spent together.

She had woken up to the silence of the room. She shifted her head slightly, to check if Lexa was asleep too. Lexa had been so steady, carrying Clarke’s weight as she sleeps peacefully that Clarke worried about her discomfort. It seemed only a couple of minutes ago that they both slurred their words and their breathing turned lazy. She could not remember what time she actually fell asleep, just that Lexa’s lips trailed her forehead whenever she dozed off.

“Hmm?” Lexa had hummed.

“You’re awake?”

“Hmm.”

Clarke gazed at how Lexa kept her eyes close. She planted a lingering kiss on her neck, earning herself a smile from the girl cradling her.

“Something occurred to me” she whispered, her voice a little hoarse but unusually cheerful. She kissed her again, longer this, softly running her tongue by Lexa’s pulse point and taking a soft nibble at her jaw to wake her up.

“You are devastatingly persuasive” Lexa had scolded her before catching her lips with her own. “What is it?”

Clarke chuckled softly. She stifled a yawn.

“Let’s make a peace treaty.”

“We have one” Lexa told her with a smirk.

“With Azgeda”

Lexa frowned at her.

“I’m not kidding”

“Go back to sleep”

“Lexa, seriously. What if we meet them halfway?”

Lexa had shaken her head slowly and repositioned her hands into holding Clarke’s determined face. Clarke remembers whining a little at how she missed the comfort of Lexa’s hand on her back and the gentle tapping she was doing with her other hand on her ass.

“No”

“Why not?”

“The last time did not go so well”

Clarke pouted at her.

“Classified information, Clarke. I will not be sweet talked into divulging that information.”

Clarke’s lips twitched at how nonchalant Lexa wanted to present herself. She kissed her on the same spot she was sucking on before. She felt Lexa’s breathing pick up.

“That will leave a mark” Lexa had warned her.

“No, it won’t”

“Hmm”

When Lexa’s breathing evened out again and her hands wandered back to stroking her back, Clarke laid her head back down on her chest.

“You know world peace starts with a single peace talk, right?” she joked, laughing at how incredibly naïve she sounds. Sleep was starting to get to her again. She felt Lexa shift her head and sought out her lips.

“Maybe. But the world could crumble at a single sweet talk” Lexa had teased back. “Learn the difference.”

Clarke did not think much about it. She had attributed it Lexa flirting and making light of her suggestion. She had been too tired to read into that statement. But she had almost a month from that moment to where she was right now. She should have seen that as a sign. If she weren’t so caught up in what she thought were the safest arms in the world, she would have noticed that Lexa was hinting at the outcome of their relationship already.

Clarke sighed nervously when she saw the building that was her destination. It was brick red all over and as intimidating as the person who lives in the loft in the ground floor. It’s a good thing Lexa pointed out what she needed to employ in this particular situation.

She has a feeling she can’t sweet talk her way out of this one.

The metal gate-type doors of the loft slid open on her first knock. At the revelation of a tall, imposing and well-built man with long and rugged hair, Clarke put on a brave smile while Luna rested her hand on her side-piece.

“Roan” Clarke greeted.

Roan’s eyes widened at the sight of her, completely taken aback. Seeing the Chancellor’s daughter at his doorstep might be the last thing he expected that early evening. His suspicious eyes scrutinized the two Arkadian guards standing a few paces away from Clarke. He grunted a polite approval of their presence before he settled his eyes on Luna.

Instantly, Clarke noticed the look in his eyes change from curiosity to recognition. Luna neglected to mention that they know each other. Roan’s eyes narrowed at her but when he saw her hand on her gun, he gave a quick glance at the plain clothes she had on and smirked.

“Clarke Griffin” he finally said with controlled pleasantry. “With a new and improved security posse. To what do I owe the surprise?”

Clarke ignored Luna’s hissing behind her.

“I was wondering if we could talk. In private?”

Roan blinked before looking around the empty hallway of the ground floor.

“No one’s here” he pointed out.

“Yes, but I would appreciate it if what is to be said will remain between us. It’s non-academic” Clarke urged.

“Sounds serious” he replied, taking a step back and holding out his hand as a welcome for Clarke to step inside his apartment.

Clarke gave her guards a look to stay outside. Luna silently protested but nonetheless shut the door giving her and Roan privacy.

“I’m sure you’ve heard what went down in the Chancellor’s mansion?” Clarke started, sitting on the counter chair while he poured them tea.

“Yes, it was all over the news”

“And the attack on my mother a few days ago?”

Roan nodded, handing her a cup. She muttered her thanks but did not drink it until he drank his own.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that” he said after a few sips, aware that Clarke was watching him closely.

“Are you?”

Roan grimaced his displeasure.

“Did you come here to insult me or accuse me?”

“Neither” Clarke clarified with an apologetic tone. She tried to over a smile, as a gesture that she did not mean any harm but somehow her muscles have tensed into cautious mode and had forgetting how to be friendly. Maybe her command over sweet talks only arises when she’s around Lexa, a thought terrifying her as well as annoying the crap out of her.

She finally took a second sip of her tea before setting it down matter-of-factly.  “You know what they’re saying, right? That the rebels are in league with your people.”

“I have not had contact with my people in a long time, Clarke” Roan labored, as though he already knows where this conversation was heading. “If you want information on how Azgeda is fairing behind those mountains, you will have to find a different source. If you want them from me, they will be as useless as the campus police reports on why you were picked up by your own security team days ago”

Of course there would be a campus police report. Clarke will have to march down there after this conversation. If she finds out they were the ones who leaked details to the press, she will have to call in a favour from her mother’s office. Her privacy when she is at school is one of the few things she will not sacrifice for her mother’s administration.

“I don’t want information” Clarke admitted.

“Then what is it that you want?”

“A dialogue. I want to make a deal”

“What kind of deal?”

“What kind would your mother be willing to work with?”

Roan heaved a hollow laugh. There was something stormy about it, making the hair on the back of Clarke’s neck stand.

“What do you want with Azgeda, Clarke? Don’t you know better than to poke a monster?”

Clarke pursed her lips at him. She met his stormy eyes.

“I want peace. I want a peaceful co-existence. Or at the very least an agreement that you stop attacking us. I’m sure my mother’s council will be more than willing to come up with a trade deal in exchange—“

“You are new to politics and I applaud this olive branch but there is too much history there. And you would be endangering your alliance with Polis. Unless… Ah, so the rumors are true?”

Clarke looked away.

“A love gone wrong, perhaps? Plotting revenge against the Commander?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Who knows what could happen if you make this dialogue happen? Polis could look kindly upon you”

Roan gave another hollow and just shook his head at her.

“Polis does not look kindly over anyone. Neither does Azgeda. There is no peace to be had, Clarke. And you… Your people have made their beds. I suggest you steer clear from the wreckage. Make the most out of your days with your girlfriend.”

Roan said those words kindly, almost to the point of pity. Clarke could hear the warning at the edge of his tone.

“What do you know of the war?”

“Only that it has started.”

“Help me stop it”

“You can’t”

“Not if you don’t help” Clarke pleaded. “There has to be a better way than exchanging firepower. Arrange a secret meeting between me and whoever could get close to your mother’s ear. Let us hear each other out. I could send word to Polis to someone—someone close to the Commander. She will listen. And so will my mother.”

“Do you have any idea how many of the Commander’s cadets died in that raid a couple of weeks ago? I’m surprised Azgeda is still standing.”

Clarke looked away, remembering the reports that maybe Azgeda is not solely to be blamed. The deeper she goes into this mess, the more she finds herself understanding why Lexa hardens her heart. These are not easy choices. And it all falls upon her to make.

Still not an excuse to abandon a relationship.

“Please, Roan” Clarke carried on her pitch. “Too many lives have already been lost. Join me in being an instrument in finding peace outside of bloodshed”

“You, the Chancellor's Daughter who has no actual and official authority in her mother's administration is asking me, the exiled and disgraced son of Azgeda's ruler?”

“I'm asking the Prince of Azgeda”

Roan stared at her, in awe of her persistence. And surprised that she is disregarding a rather important factor in her venture.

“Doesn't change the fact I have not talked to or seen my mother in five years, Clarke” he reminded her of his circumstance.

Clarke noted that he said that much like how Lexa would regard her father. There was very little to no sentiment. There was no craving for affection to counteract the obvious resentment. But there was also no toxic bitterness. They understand, all too well, the flaw in their parents.

“She's still your mother. You're still her son” Clarke insisted.

“Someone should remind her of that.”

“Roan. Please.”

Roan stood up from the counter and put away his tea. He started pacing in very slow and deliberate steps, once in a while taking a quick glance at Clarke as though he could not believe how his evening had turned out.

“You realize we’re not that close, right?” he smirked at her.

“I patched you up on the side of the road” Clarke reminded him of their first meeting.

She did not know who she was back then. It was almost two years ago and she was waiting for Octavia to get out of Class when Roan crashed his bike at a lamp post. She saw how people avoided him and though he looked familiar, she didn’t try to place he who was. He helped him up and while he tried to turn him away, she knew his forehead needed stitches. His nose was also bleeding and his shoulders slumped. She taped him up, making do with whatever was in her first aid kit then walked him to the clinic.

Octavia lost her mind an hour later when they met up in the clinic, thinking it was Clarke who needing stitches. She lost whatever was left of her wits when she saw Roan lying on a stretcher. She pulled Clarke and told her who he is.

An exiled Prince of a terrorist nation.

Clarke shrugged her off. She waited until Roan practically begged her to leave. He was fine and he was grateful. That was their first and only encounter. No wonder he was looking at her like she was crazy to even show up in his apartment.

“You said I didn’t owe you anything” he reminded her.

 “You said you do” she countered.

Roan surveyed her again. He does not know her well but Clarke does have a reputation all over the university that for all intents and purposes, she is highly allergic to politics.

“Wow” he beamed with an airy sort of mockery.

“What?”

“She really did a number on you.”

Clarke’s mouth gaped at the insinuation. It was not even an insinuation, it was an insult. 

“No. This is not about her.”

“Yes, it is. Lexa is manipulative, Clarke” Roan warned again. “If you are here for her bidding—“

“I’m not here on anyone’s bidding. I’m not even supposed to be here. And you know it was her who convinced the last Commander to spare your life, right?” Clarke does not know why but more than defending her calculated risk, she finds the need to defend Lexa more pressing. She may hate her at this very moment but it was in poor taste to paint her into a monster that she was not.

Manipulative.

It is a dirty word. No matter its accuracy.

“Yes, and she exiled me to hell.”

Clarke scoffed. That one was definitely an insult.

“Careful what you call my country.”

Roan raised both hands in surrender.

“I can't help you.”

“Yes, you can. If there was something in it for you, would you try to make a few phone calls?”

“And what could a powerless college girl have that I would want?”

“Help me broker this peace treaty and I will have your exile overturned.”

Roan studied her. She was not bluffing. Clarke knew that her mother and Lexa share jurisdiction over common enemies. Roan was scheduled to be executed when the then-Commander had reached out to Arkadian officials to arrange a shared custody over political prisoners. Clarke had found out from her father’s journal that the Commander said it was Lexa who came up with this arrangement. She was adamant about it and was very clear that she does not have any problem delivering his fatal blow herself. But it was unwise to kill the only son of their sworn enemy.

Armed with this knowledge, Clarke can defiantly hold Roan’s gaze. It was this information that had given her the courage to make this move. She has an ace, a bargaining chip. She needed to use it now before it was too late.

“You assume I want to go back to Azgeda”

“Everybody wants to go home”

Roan scoffed like that is the lamest joke in the world.

“What is it now?”

“You say that as though you're not already home.”

Clarke sought to re-hear her on statement in her head and she knew she could have done better in selling that line. She was just unaware that her feelings were already breaching the surface.

Maybe home was not a place. It has not been a place for her for a while now. She had been questioning what was home ever since her father died and the Mansion felt as cold as a labyrinth aimed to devour her. If she her thoughts were braver, she might even go as far as thinking that she has always wondered where home was. She certainly always wondered where she fir in the world.

Maybe she isn’t home.

Maybe her home had already left her.

Clarke stood her ground until this Prince without a home finally sighed.

“I can send a message. I will see who I can reach who would be open to meet. But it will be hard. No one ever leaves Azgeda these days.”

“Any type of common ground, I can meet them halfway” Clarke said gratefully, extending a hand.

Roan shook it still shaking his head in disbelief. He still thinks she’s crazy but there was a healthy respect in his smile when he ushered her towards the door.

“Clarke” he dropped his voice, stopping Clarke from sliding the door open.

“Yeah?”

“Just be careful. With Lexa, I mean”

Clarke nodded slowly, taking in how serious he was. Weird as it may seem, he is the first person to day those words to her. Everyone has been vague about warning her but Roan is the only one blunt and deadly serious about it.

She was almost tempted to say that it’s Lexa who should be careful with her because she’s prophesized to cause her death. Then she remembers that Lexa already broke her heart and she has yet to heal from it.

“She's not even here” she whispered back. “And... This isn't about her.”

That was partly true. This is a secret deal and she was here for her mother. And for Arkadia.

But she would be lying to herself if she didn’t admit that one reason why she wanted this peace talk to be successful was that stopping the war meant that Lexa would be safe. It does not matter if they were not together. It does not matter how much she wants to slap her, yell at her and tell her every horrific confusion her heart has been through. Her anger is coupled only by the certainty that she does not want Lexa to die.

“Maybe not. But you flinch at her name as though it's a knife gutting you”

“How would you know how gutting looks like?”

“I've met Lexa, remember?” Roan’s seriousness turned smug as he absentmindedly rubbed his shoulder.

Clarke wondered what kind of scar the long sleeves were hiding. She did not bother to ask. She nodded gratefully at him and before forgetting, left her number with him.

“Soon” he promised as he shared another icy glare at Luna.

When he shut the door, Luna turned her sight at Clarke.

“This was a mistake”

“Were you listening?”

“No”

Clarke quirked an eyebrow.

“He’s the Prince of Azgeda, Miss Griffin. I don’t have to listen to know that this will backfire.”

Clarke tried not to let Luna’s words bother her so much. Roan had not gotten back to her all week and the weekend was looming again. She needed to busy herself with a new project that does not involve her re-reading her father’s journals. She needed to be busy with something – at this point, with anything – that will not in any way remind her of Lexa.

Not of how soft she felt pressed against her body.

Not of safe she made her feel.

Not of all the memories which do not belong to them.

Not of how angry Lexa was about the bomb.

Not of how Lexa chose to leave her.

Roan was right about one thing. Meeting Lexa would give you an idea of how being gutted with a knife feels like. Every thought of her is a twist deeper into a wound that simply will not close.

“Stupid, stupid” Clarke groaned as she tossed her sketchpad across the room. She started off sketching a building only to end up sketching the rooftop of Murphy’s bar. The memories of that night rushed at her without warning.

Lexa.

_Lexa._

Friday night, alone, finished with schoolwork and she has a dozen different people who can drive her to any bar she wants but she finds herself trapped in a cocoon of memories of her ex.

It was not this hard when she and Finn broke up. And they have been to more places together. They had spent more moments, had shared more memories and had been through so much more than she and Lexa. But she can walk the streets of Arkadia, the halls of the mansion and the field of the university and not be reminded of him. She can put on an entire playlist and not have one song that will make her think of him.

She could not even pick a song now and not remember how hard she and Lexa argued the merits of modern music compared to the classics during their drive to the Angry Rivers.

“Stupid, stupid” she repeated. “I am better than this. Get it together, Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke got up to retrieve her sketchpad when the outline of her shadow on the wall caught her eye. She eyed the lamp casting the shadow, as if angry at it for mocking her. She could see the outline of the necklace dangling from her neck on the wall too. Giving up the pretense, she sat on the floor and held the pendant in a clench fist.

“Damn it” she whispered to herself as she tried to weather the rampage inside her right now.

Clarke wanted to cry. More than anything, she wanted to cry and let the tears wash away every broken piece of her heart and every tattered fragment of her soul. But by the universe’s cruelty, her brokenness was tucked deeply in her that even the tears could not find their way into the surface. She wanted to cry the longing away and the hope along with it.

How could she have been so certain at the airport that she would not break?

Clarke began to move her fingers on the latch of the necklace Lexa gave her when her phone buzzed. She scrambled to her feet and her heart sunk lower than she thought possible. The text was from Roan.

_Tonight. Midnight. Train Graveyard, compartment 13._

Clarke exhaled.

This was happening. She slowly rose to her feet, grabbed her coat from the bed and walked out to where her guards were huddled right outside of her door.

“What’s going on?”

“We heard trashing” Luna responded when every other guard avoided her eyes.

Clarke rolled her eyes. Most of her the Arkadian guards know her well enough not to point out certain moments of weakness.

“Yes, that was me…throwing away what was left of my soul” she brazed. “Now… Anyone has a spare bulletproof vest for me?”

Luna’s eyes narrowed in alarm. She did not move from her post but her hand shot to her earpiece, sending a signal to her unit. Clarke watched her confusion when a guard handed her a vest as if it was trivial.

“I allow them to put me in a vest whenever I’m about to do something that would make their job that much harder” Clarke explained, strapping herself in.

“May I ask..?”

“We have to head out of school. Tonight”

“Why?”

“I have an emergency meeting.”

“With?” Luna’s suspicions were met by a shrug from Clarke.

Clarke put her jacket on and accepted the panic button a guard handed her. The button would not do much if they end up being ambushed by a band of Azgedan terrorists but it was protocol and it has been an unspoken deal that she abides by their rules in exchange for doing something ridiculous.

“Miss Griffin—“ Luna started to protest when she realized what was going on.

“It’s just a talk, Luna. And if it goes well, it’s the last one” Clarke assured her. “And I intend to call my mother as soon as it is over.”

Luna must have known that there was no changing of Clarke’s mind because she quickly bargained with her. “Would you be willing to level with me then?”

“Okay?”

“Let me at least call Lincoln. If you want to go, let me at least tell my Commanding Officer”

Clarke shook her head forcefully.

“He’ll tell her”

She’ll get mad. She’ll get hurt.

She’ll punish everyone between here and Polis.

“You can’t tell Lincoln a thing, Luna. It will put the whole process in danger”

“I don’t even know what this is for, Miss Griffin”

“It’s a…a third road” Clarke replied, surprised with herself. She suddenly remembered her dream. What if this was the third road her father had presented her with? A path untried by history? What if this is a new solution to an ancient problem?

What if she could put a stop to over millennia’s worth of death and loss? She cannot have anyone botch it before it hatches into anything.

“I’ll ask for a grace period before he does” Luna bargained. “I will ask for an hour before he absolutely has to tell the Commander.”

“He will tell her the minute you relay the message”

Luna’s jaw tensed up at the stubbornness she has to deal with.

“The Commander does not do well being blindsided”

Clarke scoffed.

“I love how you say that as if anyone handles being blindsided well. You can tell him we’re driving out to meet Roan and he should wait at least an hour before he informs the Commander. If it helps you, you can keep the GPS of the car on” she compromised.

“It was never off” Luna muttered.

“Whatever. I’ll wait in the car.”

As she waited for the rest of her security team, she decided she should leave Octavia a message. She has a feeling not everything will go as smoothly as she would hope. She was not anticipating the worst but she knows there was a possibility that she would be off the grid for longer than she intended.

“Hey, O” she started as soon as the beep from Octavia’s voice mail signalled for her to talk. “I’m… Don’t be mad and try not to worry too much but earlier this week I reached out to Roan. Yes, that Roan. Anyway, I think I may have stumbled upon a new option on how to prevent the war. I’m heading out to The Train Graveyard now because we’re meeting around midnight. This stays between us until I get back, okay? Can’t wait to hear about your test. Bye.”

Clarke breezed through that message before getting cut off. She stared out the window and saw that Luna was visibly arguing with someone on a satellite phone now. This really needs to work otherwise she might have caused someone’s job.

Or life.

Clarke was surprised when Luna did not join her inside her car. Instead she rode on a motorcycle alongside it. Where the bike was from, she did not bother asking. She has given up wondering just how deep the Special Force’s funding goes.

It took them almost three hours to reach outside city limits. Special Forces would not let them go any farther until they scouted the rendezvous point first. She started asking how can they scout the area and stay with her at the same time until she remembered that just yesterday, the number of that unit doubled. She had to agree. The pit in her stomach was starting to grind deeper, making her more than aware that this whole situation can really be the biggest mistake of her life.

It was almost midnight when they finally returned and gave the go ahead.

Meanwhile, Clarke spent all that time trying to come up with the best strategy to start this dialogue. She doesn’t even know who Roan managed to contact and persuade to meet with her. She does not know how much he told them and how honest he was with them.

She was lost in thought when they neared Compartment 13. The first giveaway that something was not right was Luna stopping her motorcycle just in front of the car Clarke was in. She gave a signal for her to stay in the car. Clarke watched her dismount her bike as quickly as she took her gun out of its holster. Two of her men stayed with the car, the rest scattered.

“Kill the lights” Clarke whispered to her driver. “Keep an eye out.”

Clarke took out her phone and turned on her location. She shot Octavia another text, telling her that she’s arrived in their destination before adjusting her eyes in the darkness outside the car. She could still make out some movement and outlines of the soldiers doing a second check on the perimeter but it was the silence that was unnerving.

If Roan and his people were here, it should not be this silent.

The second giveaway that something was definitely not right was a gunshot from the distance. A lone gunshot, probably fired in the air because it didn’t sound like it hit anything. But on cue, the soldier’s from Luna’s unit signalled for them to leave. Clarke’s drive started the car and was backing away when she saw Luna and two of her soldiers running towards them shouting something.

Clarke read her lips.

_It’s a trap._

She watched as this soldier who has kept her safe for over a month now run towards the parked motorcycle while frantically waving for them to leave her. The car backed noisily on the rough and bumpy road, with dust creating a mini sand storm around them.

That was when Clarke saw them.

No less than 20 men, armed heavily, all their faces covered stood a few paces away from the car.

Luna and her team opened fired at them and about half dropped on the ground.

But they were outnumbered. Clarke turned to see if they could escape into the Train Graveyard but they were already surrounded. More men with guns all aimed at them. The Special Forces soldiers engaged the nearest ones to them in hand-to-hand combat and while outnumbered, they managed to either break the necks of their would-be captors or to slit their throats without hesitations.

Luna was the last to fall. Just as she threw her last blade straight at a man’s forehead, hitting it with perfect precision, she was hit at the back of the head with a bat.

Clarke closed her eyes, waiting for the tears to come before her impending death.

“Don’t fight back. They’ll kill you” she told the guards still inside the car with her. “Calmly listen to their orders. They want me. They have to keep me alive if they want their demands heard.”

Clarke heard how calm her voice was. She didn’t think it was hers. She did not know where that came from. She was already shaking. She was already sure she was going to die tonight. She reached for the pendant pressed against her chest as her guards had now resolved to physically shield her from the men approaching the car.

“Lexa” she heard herself whisper into the dark.

The car doors were yanked open and gunshots were fired at the driver and the guard on the passenger seat. The ones covering her were pulled out of the car but were not fired upon. She held up her hands at the man pointing a gun at her. She took a deep breath and tried to identify the eyes exposed from the mask but she could not.

It could possibly be the closest to the devil’s pair she has ever seen.

And those eyes were the last thing she saw before she blacked out at the touch of a damp handkerchief to her nose.

 

* * *

 

Clarke stirred to the sound of voices arguing. She could taste iron and copper from her lips and as soon as she tried opening her eyes, the heaviness of her head made her close them again. She tried to massage her temples but found herself unable to move. She tugged on both her wrists but they were securely bound behind her back. She opened her eyes again. The light blinded her and even when she adjusted to the spotlight aimed at her head, her vision was still blurry. She turned away from her the light and that was when she saw Roan chained to a wall next to her, with a three men lying unconscious by his feet. She tried to run to him but both her ankles were bound on the metal chair she was sitting on.

She wanted to scream.

She tried her hardest to scream but the tape on her mouth made that impossible.

Clarke, through the blur, scanned the room. On one corner were all her Arkadian guards. Two of them bleeding, the other two free of blood, all of them unconscious. On the other end were some of Lexa’s soldiers. Luna was already staring at her. A flood of relief coloring her face when they’re eyes met. Her gaze were unfocused though and Clarke noticed what appeared to be dry blood on her neck.

Clarke made strong sounds of protest, causing one of them who were arguing to turn his attention to her. When she stared into his eyes, she knew right away that it was the same man who held a gun to her head.

“I was starting to think you would sleep through the night, Clarke” he sneered from behind his mask. He cocked his head to the side, revealing a closed window with gaps revealing the sunrise.

“Long nights, short mornings” he said when Clarke tried to figure out how long she was unconscious. “Good morning. Don’t worry, no one has come looking for you. Yet.”

Clarke glared at him, challenging him to come closer.

“They were right about you. Feisty little girl” he continued to sneer. “The Chancellor’s Daughter. I never thought you would walk right up to me.”

He made his way across the room after barking an order to whoever it was he was arguing with. Clarke’s minimal air supply from behind the tape completely diffused when she caught the tail end of the remark.

“Tell the Chancellor, I bargain with the Commander and no one else”

He must have seen the change in Clarke’s eyes from fight to apprehension because snickered.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been rude” he mocked her with a bow. “I’m Roth. I will be your host for the next couple of hours.”

Roth closed the gap between them then pulled the tape off of her face.

Clarke clenched her teeth, effectively stopping her scream. The moment Roth lowered his face to hers, she spit at him.

“Go to hell” she managed to croak out.

He wiped the saliva off his face and just smiled at Clarke.

“Do you know who I am Clarke?”

Clarke turned her gaze away from him but he grabbed her jaw and made her face him.

“I’m the last surviving heir of the man your father condemned to death”

“My father never killed anyone” Clarke declared.

“No. But he did order for some rebels to be sent to Polis—“

“You’re Azgedan” Clarke guessed.

She took a side glance at Roan who was starting to lose consciousness from the blood loss.

“Not anymore” Roth replied. “Not since His Highness here managed to get us all exiled.”

“How did you escape Polis?”

Roth sneered again, pulling off the cloth masking his face and revealing two parallel scars diagonally etched on it.

“With difficulty” he told her before facing Roan. “You really should check your computers for bugs, Roan. This was almost too easy.”

“What do you want?” Clarke asked, trying to keep the focus away from Roan. He did not look like he could take anymore beating. “Tell me what you want and I will help you negotiate it”

“Ah, did daddy make you sit in his meetings? Initiate you into the politician life?”

“Daddy is dead, you asshole” Clarke barked. “Either you keep spitting at his grave or you start telling me what you want. We both know it’s only a matter of time until you are boxed in here and they will have every sniper from Arkadia aiming at your head.”

“Suddenly she is pro-sniper” Roth laughed at her. “Keep comfortable, Clarke. We will be here for a while.”

He left the room, flipping the light switch off. Clarke cussed under her breath as the sudden change blinded her once more.

“Are you hurt?” she heard Luna call out.

“Luna, I’m sor—“

“Are you hurt, Miss Griffin?”

“Nothing serious” Clarke replied after assessing herself. “I should have listened to you.”

“Yes” Luna agreed with her. “But I should have known better”

“How long have we been here? Roan? Are you still with us?”

Clarke heard him move his chains weakly but no verbal reply.

“Six hours and counting” Luna told her. “Your mother has been in contact with them four times on my count but I only regained consciousness an hour ago. She could have been negotiating for much longer than that—“

“Arkadia does not negotiate with terrorists”

“Mothers will bargain away their lives for their daughters” Luna countered. “Keep your strength, Miss Griffin.”

“We need to figure out how to get out of here” Clarke urged. She pulled on her bindings until she felt her skin burn at the friction.

“We’re outnumbered. I was blacked out when they brought us in, I didn’t get to study the scape of place. As of now, we wait”

“And who would come?” Clarke challenged.

Somehow she knew the answer but it was not a guarantee. Arkadian soldiers do not see enough combat or have enough encounters to rescue hostages. She doubts there even was a hostage situation in this country in the last twenty or thirty years.

The other possibility was at least half a day away. By plane.

If she would even travel for her.

“Lincoln and his team were already on a plane by the time we pulled over at the Train Graveyard” Luna whispered, after listening intently for any signs of men guarding the door.

Clarke had never been happier to hear that her conditions were not met.

“No grace period?”

“No.”

“Was that why you were arguing with him?”

“No”

“Luna? I could very well be dead in the next hour, care to share some gossip with me here? Why were you yelling at your Commanding Officer?” Clarke asked, hoping that she managed to make light of the situation.

Luna coughed in the dark. Clarke turned to where she was, and could make out her outline with the help of streaks from the sunrise. She was starting to slump against the wall. Clarke recognizes her body language as signs of blood loss and a severe concussion. She had to keep her talking.

“Hey, stay with me” Clarke called out. “Why were you fighting with Lincoln?”

“He’s a bad liar”

“How come?”

Luna coughed again.

“Okay, maybe you’re the one who should be saving your strength” Clarke urged her gently.

“He said he won’t tell Lexa… But he said that loudly”

Clarke endeavoured to listen to the now slurring words and fading volume of Luna talking. She almost completely missed the mention of Lexa’s name. But even in the face of death, there was no way she could find that two syllable musical amongst the cacophony of panic.

“She was there with him?” she guessed, helping Luna finish her story. “It’s okay. You might have saved us all.”

“I should have known…better” Luna slurred again, her breathing weak against her words.

Clarke swallowed nervously. When she heard her voice speak, she was again surprised at how it did not at all quiver.

“I should have known better. This is my fault” she assured the soldier. “I’m sorry.”

Luna didn’t respond after that and Clarke found herself fighting through her bindings again. No avail.

About an hour later, or what felt like an hour, a man came to check on them. It was the only confirmation for Clarke that no one was dead yet because he reported as much to his radio. Hours later, another masked man came in to treat the wounds of Clarke’s security team. She pretended to be unconscious but surveyed how delicately he worked on them.

It’s almost as if he didn’t want them to die.

He went out and came back later with three packs of IVs and hooked Roan, Luna and one of the severely wounded guards on them. Clarke kept her eyes closed until he left the room.

“He’s Azgedan” Roan groaned a few minutes later. “Under exile. He’s not with them. Just…doesn’t have a choice”

Clarke’s head shot up at his direction.

“Roan, I am so sorry—“

“Save it, Clarke” Roan interrupted. “Everyone in this room knows how stupid your peace talk plan was. It’s just no one hoped against it”

“Who are the men with you?”

“Azgedan just as moronic to hope for a peace treaty.”

Clarke heaved her guilt. Part of her felt gratified that she was right to believe that she’s not the only one praying for a resolution between their nations. But she should have done this in a more secured way and not rush the process. Now, she could have doomed them all.

“If Roth would get his ass back here, I can—“

“He wants Lexa. He’s only keeping us alive as a bargaining tool.”

“What does he want with her?”

Roan had to catch his breath after labouring hard.

“There are rumors she had his brothers locked up somewhere. I heard them talking before they captured me. Lexa personally killed one of his brothers and took the other three, along with a handful of his men as prisoners”

“Why?”

“Revenge”

“For what?”

The two of them turned when they heard Luna cough up again. Clarke sighed in relief.

“Hold your tongue, Azgedan” she managed to speak out. “You will not bad mouth the Commander in my presence”

“I had thought you dead” Roan jeered.

“Don’t you two start!” Clarke warned. “We need to get out of here and we need to get out fast”

“I love the spunk but can’t hear the plan” Roan continued to mock from where he was chained. “Let’s just wait for your girlfriend”

“She’s not my girlfriend and she’s not coming”

Luna started muttering from her corner but at that point Clarke did not have enough energy to decipher her words. Instead, she focused on freeing her hands from the rope securing her in place. In the struggles she made earlier, she managed to cut herself on a nail or screw from her chair, an inch or two from where her hands were tied. She finally found herself an angle where she can slowly run the rope against it.

Maybe it was the heat from the non-ventilated brick walls or maybe she has a concussion but Clarke would lose consciousness every now and then. She found it ironic. The one time she actually did not want to sleep, she could not fight off her eyelids’ surrender. On the last round of her losing that fight, she did not know how long she was out.

All she knows was she being slightly slapped awake by Roth.

Clarke squinted his eyes at him before stealing a glance at the cracks on the closed window.

Night.

She was right. No one was going to come for them.

Clarke had plenty of time to think about what she could bargain away. She could promise him a fair trial in Arkadia. She could promise him a dialogue with Lexa. She even went as far as considering to beg for her security team’s lives in exchange of her own. But she knew none of that could bring back the lives of Roth’s brothers.

And if Roan was right, that was all he wanted.

“I heard you’ve gotten quite close with the Commander” he whispered to her face. “Do you think she would beg for your life?”

“I could text her if you just give me my phone” Clarke replied acidly.

“Oh, Clarke. If I were you, I would be on my knees by now. Crying for my life to be spared.”

Clarke snorted involuntarily. She felt her body shake weakly as she tried to contain her laughter at the statement. She must really be losing her mind if she found that suggestion the funniest thing in the room. She must have already lost her mind if she was finding anything funny at all.

She traced her tongue on the cut by her lip, trying to soften the acidity of the dry blood with her inner cynicism.

“Ever had your heart broken, Roan?”

Roan frowned at the inquiry.

“The thing is… When you meet that person? You know, the love of your life?” Clarke let the words smoothly dance out of her swollen lips. “You meet them and you lose them? You find yourself unable to cry for much of anything else”

Roan laughed with such a sinister roar that Clarke had to close her eyes out of fear that the devil himself had materialized wherever in hell this room was.

“So, no. I will not cry for my life” she continued. “But I would want to hear how I can aid yours”

“You have nothing that I want!” Roth barked.

Clarke stared up at him with every ounce of anger she has pent up in the last month.

“Everyone wants something, Roth” she hissed. “You just have to ask. Let my men go. Let them go now and you have my word—“

“You don’t have what I want!” Roth repeated.

The echo in his bellow stole Clarke’s attention. She looked around the room and realized there were more men in there than usual. The Azgedan who helped her security team was huddled to the side two other men just as confused and scared with him, their hands taped around a gun.

Forced to take a side.

If she ever comes out of this alive, she vowed to make sure that the exiles will be better protected.

Clarke noticed Roth staring at her. He sneered when he realized that Clarke had caught on what was the situation inside and outside the room.

“You’re surrounded, aren’t you?”

“I still hold an Ace”

Roth gestured to a man behind him and he was handed a phone. The man then proceeded to tape Clarke’s mouth again, as well as Roan’s. Roth placed the phone on the stool between him and Clarke.

“Ready to hear a familiar voice?” he taunted. He has a headset on him and he continued an ongoing conversation all while mocking Clarke’s helpless state.

“I’m surprised you have not offered money for such a pretty girl” he provoked the other line.

Clarke violently thrashed in her seat, wanting nothing more than to kick his face for putting her mother through this. In her struggle, she realized the ropes were now loose enough for her to escape. She looked around and caught Luna’s eyes. The soldier shook her head discreetly.

_Wait._

Clarke settled in her seat and stared at the phone.

“Have you ever heard such a powerful person beg, Clarke? Ever heard them relinquish all their power for their one weakness?” he asked her before pressing the call on mute. “I want to hear her beg for you. The way I begged for my father to be exiled instead and for my brothers to be spared.”

Clarke wished it was not her mouth but her ears which were covered. Hearing her mother’s voice will break her. She wanted to apologize for every single mistake she’s made this past month. She wanted to cry out how much of a brat she has been to have shut her out. She wanted to tell her that she was right, she should never have let Lexa in. She wanted to tell her she doesn’t blame her for her dad’s death.

Clarke started thrashing in her seat when Roth put the call on speaker.

“I want proof of life”

Clarke stopped moving.

A stand still.

Like the one at the Angry Rivers.

And the one when they first danced.

And when the plane took off.

The whole room grew quiet and on the corner of her eye, she saw Luna’s eyes widen in shock at the owner of the voice.

In the silence, Clarke heard the last remaining pieces of her shatter. She heard the disintegrating louder than it ever was. She heard hope rise from the ashes of her scorched heart. She felt her shoulders being embraced in a chasm of safety that no one else have ever provided for her.

Lexa.

Lexa was on the other line.

Lexa was negotiating for her life.

Home.

That was the sound of home.

She wanted to tell Roan that he was right about what he said before. She did not feel like she was home. Home had ceased to be a place for her. Home was a voice, a pair of arms…a soul. Home was a fate she was trying to run away from only for it to catch up to her just as she had ceased running.

Home was Lexa.

_Was._

Clarke had spent over a month trying to erase all traces of Lexa from her life. She had spent the better part of her days trying to forget her and stolen hours of her night fighting to hold on to the best of their memories together. She had painted her out to be a heartless monster if only to aid in healing her own pain.

She had convinced herself that Lexa no longer cares for her. But at a time when she is so close to bargaining her own life away, Lexa was demanding proof of it.

If she survives this and comes out of this alive, there was no way she can get over her now.

“Call off your men, strike a deal and you can talk to her” Roth instructed.

The other line went silent and Clarke almost smiled at that familiar bored but also arrogant tone that came with Lexa’s calculated reply.

“You misunderstood that as a plea.”

“And you underestimate my warning, Commander” Roth signalled for some of his men to go outside and check if they were already infiltrated.

Even Clarke could tell something was off with how Lexa took her time to respond. Then a horrific thought occurred to her. What if Lexa was outside? What if she gets caught in the crossfire and the legend comes true once again?

Clarke started to remove her hands from the loose knot but Luna signalled for her to stop again. Clarke subtly gestured that Roth had removed two of his guns from his side and placed them on the stool. She could reach one and toss another at Luna.

Before Clarke could decide whether or not to follow through, Lexa’s voice filled the room again.

“Proof of life or nothing”

“And if I have killed her?”

The other line went unusually silent. Clarke feared Lexa hung up but she heard something familiar. A heartbeat and a pattern of steady breathing. Maybe Lexa’s strategy in this negotiation process was to stall for as long as she could until her men could enter where they were being held.

Only her tone was as cold and stoic as Clarke has heard it.

“Then this was a useless phone call” Lexa said.

There was zero emotion in the remark. The challenging arrogance from earlier was gone. She was all business now.

“I have a gun to her head right now” Roth lied. “I will shoot unless you call your snipers off.”

“A gun to her head amounts to nothing if she already is dead” Lexa snapped, still as coldly as before.

“I’m growing impatient. I will shoot her.”

“Shoot her now, shoot her then, you will die anyway” Lexa was no longer stalling. In fact, it seems like she just wanted to be done with this conversation. “Give me proof of life and perhaps your death will be painless.”

“You risk her life”

Another pause and Roth earned himself a scoff from the Commander.

“She risked it on her own” Lexa replied acidly.

Clarke recognized that tone. It was the same one Lexa could not control when they were fighting. The same one when she basically accused Clarke of being a distraction to her duties and to be the cause of the end of the world.

Clarke knew in that instant that Lexa was not negotiating for her.

Lexa was doing her job. She was protecting an ancient vow between their two nations. She was not trying to save the life of the girl she loves.

Clarke felt sick. She should not be thinking this. She should just be grateful that Lexa was even negotiating. If Luna’s reaction was any indication, this might be a first for Lexa.

“Put her on the line now”

“And the other hostages?”

“Hostages are all the same”

“I was told the Chancellor’s daughter holds a special place in the Commander’s heart. Are you really going to bargain her away?”

Clarke shook her daze away to concentrate and relegated all her remaining consciousness to Lexa’s answer. She heard a soft click and imagine Lexa’s occasional mannerism of impatiently clicking at the inside of her cheek when a conversation frustrates her.

“Let me be very clear to you” the Commander’s reply was silent and careful but no one in that room would have missed its clarity and supremacy. “Whether she be dead or alive, I will kill you. Your death is set. The manner by which you die is the only point of contention here.”

Roth, for the first time in the 24 hours Clarke was in his presence, started to sweat. He stared accusingly at Clarke, like it was her fault that the Commander refuses to heed to his demand. Clarke shot him an ‘I told you so’ glance.

Clarke was proud at how she managed that feat when everything inside her was already torn apart at the clear proof of where she and Lexa stand.

_Stop thinking about your stupid relationship._

“You will not beg for her, Commander?”

“I beg for no one”

“Not even for your people?”

“They were doing their jobs” Lexa fed him a line that was so routine, it had cemented itself to universal truth status.

“Perhaps it’s not Miss Griffin’s death that would rattle you, Commander” Roth suggested, the malice in his eyes spewing all the way to his lips and voice. “Would you budge if I touch what is yours? Would you beg then if I were to claim for myself what is yours?”

Clarke felt the pit in her stomach whirl into a pool of despair. There was another click on the other of the line and she prayed that maybe Lexa was outside, got fed up by this conversation and just gave the order for her men to raid the building. But that would be unwise, Clarke reminded herself. That would put the other hostages in a compromise and that would expose a weakness.

Lexa cannot appear weak lest she walks to her death.

Clark held Roth’s eyes with a surge of bravery she did not know she had. For a second, it made him take a step back, both surprised and shook. He smirked when Clarke fought her restraints only to lose.

A click on the line made Clarke break eye contact as she stared down the phone, awaiting Lexa’s response.

She heard a scornful scoff, soft and barely audible, riddled with apathy.

“What poor thief you are to steal something which was never mine”

Clarke stopped herself from gasping. Roth did not notice her react. He was too busy trying to figure out how to get Lexa to engage into a negotiation. Clarke started to coach herself to breath evenly. A part of her knows this conversation was about to end. She knows it was only a matter of time before one party grows tired and there will be gunfire everywhere. She could get hit. She could bleed out. She could get blown into pieces before help comes.

But none of those compare to the writing agony inside her Lexa’s words. This whole structure of hell could have collapse all over her and she would not have noticed. She would not have felt the bricks crumble or her body crushed. She would not have hurt.

Not as much.

Not as much as in that instant.

How could Lexa not know that for a time, for a split-second in this light year, Clarke was hers?

“She really is worthless to Polis” Roth declared, stealing Clarke away from the confines of the prison she has built around her heart. “Perhaps I should just take her away with me.”

“Perhaps you should get along with this charade that you have things under control. Prove to me whether she is alive.”

Roth signalled for one of his men to take a picture of Clarke. She looked away but not quick enough to beat the camera. She watched as the masked man seemingly sent the photo to Lexa.

The room tensed in silence as Roth began to impatiently pace against the monotony from the other end.

“Not enough” Lexa announced a minute later.

“You will have to make do, Commander.”

Roth turned his back from Clarke and started pacing. She eyed his gun again. She could reach it now and shoot him. She was starting to be composed enough to pattern out how to manage this.

“What do you want?” Lexa asked.

“Release my men in exchange for her”

“A dozen rebels for one person? No.”

“This is the Chancellor’s Daughter” Roth roared, the angriest Clarke has seen him.

“And I am the Commander of Blood” Lexa snarled back. “What is your point?”

That was it.

That was the statement that made Clarke realize she has about a minute to figure out how to reach for the gun and turn the tables. She would still be outnumbered but she counted on the other Azgedan exiles to take her side. Luna and her men who had stirred awake to the sound of Lexa’s voice would put up a fight.

Clarke tried to focus on this realization as against the looming acceptance that was flooding into her veins.

The reality that she has to get it together to save herself and her people swam alongside the understanding of how much or how less she was worth to Lexa.

And that was okay.

It was finally okay.

“What are you willing to exchange for her then? What will make you beg?”

“Let her go and I will show you mercy”

“What’s your brand of mercy, Commander?”

“Let her go”

“Not without anything in return.”

“No”

Lexa is unfailing in her resolution. Clarke could see that Roth was realizing he will get nothing out of this pursuit.

“I will kill her” he vowed.

This time he wasn’t bluffing. He took out a revolver from a holster Clarke did not notice before and aimed it straight at Clarke’s head.

Like most things that night, Clarke could not point out with particularity where she found the courage or even just the rouge strength not to close her eyes. She stared straight into the barrel of the gun, not once blinking. She has seen far scarier things and she had chosen not to look away.

Clarke could hear Octavia’s voice in her head.

_We all have to prove ourselves in the face of death, Clarke_

Octavia was miles away. Maybe she was not even told about this situation. She was facing her own first major trial in pursuit of her own dreams. They were fighting their own battles. Clarke will not let her down. She will not cower away in the face of death.

“Quit stalling” Lexa’s icy challenge was a fire lighting Clarke’s resolve.

In a show of either desperation or tenacity, Roth pulled back the hammer of the gun, the click of it reverberating in the dead reticence of the room.

“On the count of three, Commander” he whispered in a quivered voice impossible to miss.

The blur started as soon as Clarke lunged forward for the two other guns displayed on the stool in front of her. She heard one gun shot, the bullet practically wheezing by her ear. Her hands were now free and by some luck or miracle, they had reached the weapons she had never ever before used. She was still on the ground, unable to get up as her feet were still tied to the chair. She looked up and saw Roth standing above her, gun to her head, finger already starting to pull the trigger.

“Open fire” Lexa barked from the still open line on the phone.

It distracted Roth enough that he hesitated. Clarke saw a red spot mark his forward. A split-second later he was dead on the ground, skull pierced with a bullet from nowhere.

There was commotion. She could not see through the haze. She could not hear anything apart from the gunfire. Men started falling on the ground while most started to take cover, firing back at what seemed like a whole battalion of snipers outside these walls.

Clarke had to act quickly. One of Roth’s men had secured himself at a corner and was taking direct aim at Luna and her team. She held eyes with him and squeezed the trigger three times. When the rest of their captor realized what she had done, they tried to regain entry inside the room and every single one who stood by the doorway, she fired at.

Every single one she hit.

Every single one of their eyes, she held.

Clarke was still pulling the trigger when she felt someone on top of her. She thought the room had collapse. She struggled only to have Luna’s voice in her ear.

“Stay low, Miss Griffin” she said weakly, shielding her from a danger she had not yet seen. “Open fire is open fire.”

Clarke was going to allow herself to submit to this offered protection when she saw one of their captors outside the door. He had gun aimed at the Azgedan exiles who had tended to them earlier. Somewhere removed from the black hole she was in right now, Clarke heard Roan’s distant scream. She thought it was because his fellow exiles were about to be slaughtered. But then she saw that the Azgedans were aiming the guns taped to their hands at her.

Roan screamed again.

Clarke held the men’s eyes again before using the gun in her other hand to shoot them down.

She could not remember anything else.

There was an explosion.

There was screaming.

There were footsteps.

Heavy. Hurried. Hectic.

She was being lifted from the ground. She heard the propellers of a helicopter and isolated light battling with the encompassing shade of the night. She was not sure whether her eyes were open or closed, whether her body was whole or not, whether she was awake or dreaming.

Clarke pondered whether she was alive or dead until she met dark eyes edging her on.

“Stay awake with me”

It was an unfamiliar voice.

It belonged to a man she had never met before. She could not place him from her memories but there was something known in his steady strength as her held her in place.

A stable ground and quiet confidence as he kept repeating for her to stay conscious.

“Lincoln” she breathed.

Clarke should have known the minute she managed a glimpse of him. Octavia had described him in detail. She had spent hours talking about everything she had gathered about him. Clarke should have had enough to draw him by imagination. Her best friends picks well.

Lincoln nodded and smiled.

“Please stay awake” he was gentle and firm.

Like Lexa.

Lexa.

She was her last thought before final succumbing to the dark.

Abby’s voice was calm as she kept questioning half a dozen doctors in the hospital room. There were no machines beeping or other chatter going on. Just her mother asking about her health and condition. Just her mother suggesting what kind of medication she wants and does not want for Clarke. Just her mother being assured that physically, everything was alright with her. She was unharmed and apart from the bruises she had sustained in her own struggles to be free, the hostage-takers barely touch her.

Clark felt her body weak. She barely had enough strength to open her eyes but she had to when her mother ordered for a Psych consult. The doctors agreed.

Trauma was another thing.

When Clarke called out to the room, protesting the shrink session her mother was already scheduling, Abby cried her way to her bed, hugging her and showering her with kisses. Clarke smiled and lifted her arms to hug her mom back. She didn’t think she would be able to again.

She told her mom she loves her. She said she was sorry. Then she asked about the security team and Roan.

Roan was in the room next to her. Heavily guarded.

Luna and her team were already back in Polis. They were fine and as soon as they were cleared for travel, Lexa had ordered them to be relieved from their duties in Arkadia.

Everyone else was dead. Abby had refused to give her a headcount. Clarke did not press on. She was not ready to hear how many men she had killed.

Clarke was released from the hospital two days later and on her first day back home, her mother would not leave her side. It was a compromise. Abby had caved against a therapy session if Clarke promised to talk to her.

Clarke sat in her bed and relayed all she could remember from the incident. She left out her feelings about Lexa. She left out the confliction she is still plagued with every time she pulled the trigger. She left out the part that if she were ever to put in that same situation again, she would have made the same choice. She allowed her mother to cry and hold her.

She needed to be held.

Before Abby left her to rest, Clarke apologized for the choices she made that led them to this outcome. She could tell her mother was disappointed in her. She could tell that the lives lost were in her hand. Her mother told her that they will both be facing consequences of the arranged meeting but they should find small comfort in the fact that aside from Roan, no one from Azgeda survived to divulge of this momentary lapse of judgment. Clarke apologized again, saying Roan acted because she begged him to in exchange for his exile to be overturned.

“You are young, Clarke” Abby lamented. “You will learn from this.”

“You know, there are factions from behind the mountains who want the same things we do”

Abby nodded at her.

“That does not mean we can trust them. You will learn that too.”

Clarke spent the day in her room, trying to piece together all the details she could no longer remember. She wanted to talk to Roan and had gotten up from bed to maybe ask if this was possible but the Skype call ringtone stopped her. She practically tripped over herself to answer it.

Octavia and Raven were speechless. They took turns making sure that she was okay. Octavia looked like she had been crying but there were no tears when she gave her a lecture on why she should definitely run things by her from now one. Raven did not bother hiding her tears when she made Clarke promise not to be a hero.

“You’re a princess” she said, wiping the corner of her eyes. “Our princess and we can’t lose you, okay? Save the world with vaccines or something.”

Clarke promised them both that she would try not to be kidnapped next time. She asked how Octavia’s test went. No records broken there but passed with flying colors. She told her about that moment when she heard Octavia’s voice in her head and how that helped her keep it together.

Octavia finally broke and cried, ranting how she’s been gone for a month and Clarke manages to get herself almost killed.

By the end of that six-hour conversation, Clarke found her spirit healed in ways no doctor had managed in the last three days.

Later that night, she crawled into bed, feeling the most whole she has been in a while. She left the light on from the lamp on her bedside table. She will have to readjust and ease herself into sleeping in the dark again. Her mother had noticed in the last nights that she leaves a light on but did not ask why. No one had to ask why.

Clarke felt her phone buzz loudly from beside her lamp. It was a call from an unregistered number. Clarke was about to decline when she saw the area code. She bolted up and stared at the screen. She denied the information in her head because it cannot be just one person. Anyone from Polis could be calling her. It could even be Raven using a new number.

She checked the time. It was midnight.

None of her friends would be calling at midnight. They have been adamant about her sleeping properly.

Her mind was still protesting the only other reasonable deduction on who could be calling her this late when she pressed the answer button.

“Hello” she breathed, shaking at the silence that met her.

There was no reply but Clarke knew there is someone there.

She knows it’s Lexa.

“Hello” she repeated again, feeling herself come undone.

Still silence.

Clarke pressed her back on the headboard. She breathed slowly, listening for any sound from the other end. She wanted to make her talk. Why was she calling if she wasn’t going to talk? Clarke opened and closed her mouth repeatedly but no words would come out.

Instead, she felt her tears finally cascade down her face.

Clarke was at the airport saying goodbye to who she now feels was the love of her life. She had been kidnapped. She was at the receiving end of the gun. She wanted to falter and she wanted to surrender to fear, pain and heartbreak in every single one of those instance but her heart would not let her.

Her foolish, childish, hopeful heart would not even let her cry.

She has had to rebuild herself on her own pace these past couple of days. There was a time when she convinced herself that she was not broken so she did not need to be fixed. There was a time when she convinced herself that she already was fixed. Finally, she had to eventually face the fact that she needs to put her shambled pieces back together.

That was why she was not crying in all those times. She was holding the pieces together.

And now, with one phone call, her heart strings come undone.

Clarke sniffed as she hugged her knees with one arm, desperately clutching her phone with her hand. Soon she was sobbing into it, wanting nothing more than to hold onto the person on the other end. She could hear her now. No words but she could hear her breathing.

She would know her steady breaths anywhere. She would recognize that small hitch whenever she was nervous and the even tones when she was falling asleep. She would identify even the slightest of change in her mood just by the way her breath would shift.

Clarke supposed this was enough.

Words would ruin it. She did not need words anyway. She needed her. But she still cannot have her. That much has not changed.

So this was better.

Silence and tears and the shadows of the night.

Clarke calmed her crying down by taking deep breaths. Whenever she feels like she has a good hold on herself, flashes of longing and fear and anger would wave into reverie and she would start sobbing again. Soon enough, it was no longer her taking the deep breaths.

There were deep breaths from the other end too. Sharp intakes of breath and defeated exhales. Those only made sob harder.

It was the hardest and most silent Clarke has ever cried in her life and it did not seem like she was stopping anytime soon. She checked the time and they had been on the phone for an hour now. If she keeps it up, she would go into dehydration by crying. She slowly lowered herself to lie down in bed. She pulled her covers up to her chin, smiling when she realized that she was safe from the cold.

But not because of the blanket around her.

This voiceless and wordless phone call makes her feel safe than every Special Forces soldier combined.

Clarke chuckled shortly through her tears and she heard another sharp intake of breath from the other side. She took a deep breath and evened out her breathing, letting it be known that nothing was wrong. She was okay. That was a good chuckle. A really good chuckle.

A fresh bout of tears dampened her pillow when she heard a relief sigh from the other line.

Clarke closed her eyes and imagined Lexa probably in a dark office or an empty bedroom, removed from the world all while listening to a girl sob through the phone.

God, she wanted to hold her instead of only holding to an imagination of her.

Slowly, she heard slight movement and then steady silence again. As though she was waiting for her to speak.

“Good night” Clarke whispered in the faintest and shakiest of whispers that she couldn’t even hear herself but she swore that just before sleep took her away, she heard the quietest whiff of a familiar hum.

Clarke woke up as dazed as she was when she involuntarily fell asleep. She scrambled under her sheets when she remembered that she was having a non-conversation on her phone the night before. Her phone was by her head and she fumbled with it until she checked if the call was still ongoing. It wasn’t. She checked the logged and her throat instantly ran dry while she fought off a smile.

The call lasted three whole hours.

It almost feels like the slept together again.

Clarke allowed herself to take that in and enjoy that feeling. She relished in the intimacy of that shared moment. Unusual and vague but it was theirs. And it was everything she needed to move on.

It was everything she needed to patch herself up. Letting go of the confusion and the anger over everything that has happened will take time. It will take a lot more than her commitment to let this phase of her life go. It will take more than a phone call. But it certainly helped. The anger was no longer consuming her and she was no longer being overwhelmed by how much she misses her.

It will take time but she realized that Lexa’s silence was really all that was left for them. There was nothing else between them.

Clarke stayed in her room all day, sketching. She didn’t try to sketch Lexa anymore but more importantly, when she found herself going to that direction, she didn’t bother fighting it. When she finished a rough draft of her eyes, she carefully tore of that page and kept it in the drawer of her desk.

Time.

A lot of time before seeing those eyes would no longer stir up feelings she does not know how to label.

Clarke had just locked the drawer shut when she heard her door creak open. She spun around as an involuntary reflex. She sighed in relief when she saw Lincoln standing there wearing the same set of uniform Lexa usually had on whenever she was “dressing down.”

“The guard outside told me I could come in” he said as he closed the door behind him. He offered her another smile, the same one he gives her every time he checks on her. He has visited her everyday since she woke up in the hospital. He never stays longer than three minutes and he has barely spoken to her outside of asking how she was.

But the smile stood out to Clarke.

Small. Reserved. Genuine.

The smile looked oddly out of place on a man with his rock solid physique but when Clarke mentioned this to Octavia, she earned herself a lecture on why this makes him hotter.

“Hi”

“How are you?”

“Sore but alive.”

“I came to apologize” Lincoln said solemnly.

Clarke frowned at him instantly worried that her memory was failing her due to the trauma everyone keeps warning her she has.

“We staked the place out longer than we intended. We should have gotten in sooner to get you”

“You were right on time, Lincoln.”

“Your injury begs otherwise” he insisted, his eyes flaring against his disappointing over his self-assessed failure. “Either way, I take full responsibility over Luna’s…poor judgment.”

“That was me” Clarke quickly corrected. “I asked—I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry your men are hurt. I heard… I heard two of them are dead”

“They were doing their jobs”

“I killed them.”

That was the first time she verbalized that. Those were words which haunted her sleep and frequented her thoughts but she has never said them out loud. She tried to place how it made her feel but Lincoln was quick to discredit whatever emotional turmoil Clarke was about to subject herself into.

“You’re alive. They did not die in vain”

Clarke rolled her eyes at how being permanently removed emotionally was another trait Lincoln shares with Lexa. This man was instrumental in saving her life, she opted not to argue with him.

“Was there anything I could help you with?”

“I just came by from the Chancellor’s office. I am here to formally extend the Commander’s invitation to you”

Clarke blinked at him. Lincoln nodded like he completely anticipated this type of reaction from her.

“Invitation?” Clarke repeated. “Invitation to what?”

“Leave Arkadia tomorrow” Lincoln said slowly and clearly. “Come to Polis with me. It is safer there.”

“Come to—What?”

Lincoln smiled patiently at her but didn’t say anything else. He allowed Clarke to ponder on this relayed message.

_Commander’s invitation._

_It’s safer there._

Clarke only had to consider three things before an answer occurred to her. She cannot go. It would not be right. It would not be smart. And even if it would be wise for her to leave Arkadia, she does not even know if she wants to. She only just resolved to heal herself hours ago. It had taken her over a month and a kidnapping to find the strength to let go of Lexa.

Clarke was not ready see her. She was not even ready to be in the same country as her.

The thought of seeing Lexa in Polis brought about a fear that decided she was not going to go.

Polis might be safer for her but her presence there would not be safe for Lexa. They had better chances of staying alive separately. The world had better chances of evading ruin if they were not in the proximity to have feelings for each other.

Again.

Clarke flashbacked to a borrowed memory from centuries ago. A barely-there image of her past incarnation having to kiss a lifeless Commander goodbye.

“No” she told Lincoln, shaking her head firmly. “I can’t go”

The side of Lincoln’s lip twitched. He expected that answer too.

“Yes. You can. In fact, it is being insisted.”

“I’m not leaving my mom”

Lincoln nodded again. It was beginning to annoy Clarke.

“She initiated the arrangements. A few hours ago, she called the Commander to ask for extra protection or new arrangements on keeping you safe. This is what was agreed upon.”

This is outrageous. Clarke opened her door and called out to the nearest guard, asking for someone to get her mother on the phone or she was marching out of there straight to the Chancellor’s office.

“You said invitation” she said when she returned. “It doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”

“The Commander says the agreement will only take effect upon your acceptance. This is not an order. I need official confirmation from you that you are departing Arkadia with me.”

Clarke stared at him. He looked like he was not going to leave without an answer. There was a knock on the door and one of her new guards popped a head in.

“Clarke? Your mother said you should start packing. She’ll be in here after her meeting.”

“Suddenly, I almost want to be held at gunpoint again” Clarke muttered in defeat.

“Might not be the best joke right now” Lincoln told her with a grin.

Clarke chuckled.

“No kidding. I’m sorry.”

“Would you want me to wait with you until you have conferred with the Chancellor?”

Clarke shook her head. She knows her mother would not have called Lexa if there was any other choice in this matter. She knows that technically there are a lot of other choices but she needs to accept that the best choices are the hardest ones.

“Our flight leaves at noon. Have a good night, Clarke”

“Lincoln?” Clarke stopped him just before he opened her door to leave the room.

“Yes. What will happen to Luna and her team?”

His hesitation made Clarke worry. As much as the conversations regarding how Lexa runs her government always ends up in an argument, they had in fact discussed in length some protocols, traditions and cultural rules which were absolute in Polis.

“Are they not your unit?” she asked. “Don’t you get to have a say in how they are disciplined?”

“No”

“Why not?” she demanded in childish frustration that made Lincoln chuckle sadly.

“When it comes to you, no one else has a say. Good night”

Clarke did not know what to do with this information so much so that she was still sitting on her desk when her mom came in to check on her. Abby sat with her in silence, waiting for a chance to explain on why she was sending her daughter away. Clarke never asked her to explain. When she managed to recover from her prolonged zoning out, she just hugged her mother tightly. They packed her suitcases in silence, each one not mentioning the fact that they were up to four suitcases already and that was just clothes. By the time she moved to shoes, her mom finally laughed at how ridiculous this whole situation was.

Clarke joined her in controlled giggles.

Neither said good night or goodbye.

Clarke did not sleep at all that night. On the ride to the airport, she knew her mom could tell that she was running on no sleep. She said she was nervous. She said she did not understand how everything had come to this. She said she was not ready to see Lexa and the constant battle of missing her and still being angry with her to some extent had resurfaced.

She left out the part that every time she closed her eyes, she gets flashbacks of being held hostage.

Abby held her all the way to the airport.

“Why'd you let her go in the first place?” her mom finally asked just when Lincoln came to tell them that the private jet they were going to riding on was ready to be boarded.

Clarke had asked for a few minutes to say goodbye to her mom and while she had no intention to actually say those words, she knew she needed more time before this drastic change became irreversible. She looked at Abby and sighed pointedly at the question.

“Asking her to be anything other than who she is just might kill her” she answered sadly.

It hit her during the negotiations that she was wrong to worry about Lexa exposing her weakness. That was not in her nature. And Clarke begging her to stay in Arkadia was petty. It was petty and if Lexa had given in to the feelings she had sworn off, that would have been a fatal mistake.

“You don't know that” Abby tried to comfort her.

“I do”

Abby hugged her again, this time with desperation, like she wanted to cloak her daughter away from a world which had already taken too much.

“You love her” she whispered as they let go of each other. “You do, don’t you? You have loved her all this time?”

“Is that important?” Clarke asked sadly. She was not being resentful. It really was a valid question now. And as bitter as it poses itself, it was a question she intends to keep asking herself for the duration of her stay in Polis. “Is it, mom? When the world hangs in the balance? When that could kill her? What would my love amount against that?”

“You would be surprised. Get on the plane, Clarke. You can do more good there. And you can stay alive.”

“And if my presence kills her?”

Abby held her face gently, trying to clear her daughter of these kinds of thoughts.

“It won't.”

Clarke feels an onslaught of tears coming. She could already feel the warmth starting to well in her eyes. She sniffed back, holding the floodgates at bay.

“She always dies first, mom” she whispered, allowing her fear to finally be witnessed by her mother.

Abby hugged her again and Clarke held on to her mom, the way she never has before. As a child, she was always daddy’s girl. She never even developed the habit to call her mom when she gets hurt. It was always dad. And when dad was no longer there, she had learned to rely on herself.

Until that instant when her mother reminded her that it does not matter how strong she has grown up to be. Mom is mom. And mom will hold her for as long as she needs to be held.

“If you keep fearing death and you won't notice you've been dead long before you die” Abby whispered gently after the let each other go for the second time. She fixed Clarke’s hair with a forced smile.

“You sound like her.”

“Between you and me, I’m the one who actually still talks to her”

“I'm still angry at her” Clarke pointed out. She could now see Lincoln coming down the stairs of the plane. Soon he would be making his way to get her.

“Because there are still feelings there.”

“She bargained me away”

“I read the transcript of the call. I’m sorry, Clarke. If there was another way to keep you safe—“

“I don't know how to feel around her anymore. I don’t know how to trust her the way I did before.”

“You don’t have to. Trust her oath. If anything else, she has earned my respect for sticking to her word. Faithfully.”

“I can’t forgive her.”

Abby smiled patiently at her. She took Clarke by the hand and walked her to the gate.

“That…she will have to earn on her own” she said, kissing her daughter goodbye.

“If she would so choose” Clarke replied, her stubbornness resounding.

“If she would so choose” Abby assured her.

Clarke boarded the plane without looking back at her mom. She does not know where this ranks in those cheesy good bye stories but she was willing to give anyone who left someone important to them some credit.

When someone leaves you, it is easy to be angry. When they leave and when you let them leave, it is always easier to blame them for why there was a goodbye happening. Because even if you let go of someone, even if you tell them that it is okay if they abandon you and even if you act your strongest to hold the tears off, you can always rationalize anger in your head.

If they wanted to stay, they could have. You letting them go would not have mattered.

They could have stayed.

But now as the plane took off, Clarke realized sometimes you just cannot stay.

Sometimes, maybe it was just as difficult to leave as it is to be left behind.

“Your mother told me something” Lincoln disturbed Clarke’s thoughts about an hour into the flight.

“Yeah?”

“She said to tell you that Octavia was not the only one who survived her Initiation”

Clarke frowned at him.

Lincoln shrugged and stood up to transfer seats. Clarke suspected he knows exactly what he was talking about but chose not to fill up the blanks.

Clarke thought back about what Octavia had said. They all had to prove themselves in the face of death. Except Octavia willingly subjected herself into a military academy and had earned the coveted spot of being Indra’s apprentice.

Clarke did not ask to be kidnapped.  She did not even ask to be born to politician parents. Would she have appreciated a hazing ritual as well? Would she have fared better in making decisions if her dad was around to walk her through some diplomatic relations death traps? If she paid more attention to how her mom handles politics, would she have succeeded in her gamble to reach out to Azgeda?

Would she have been stronger to resist falling for someone she can never had if there was a training course to complete before you are ever allowed to build ties with a foreign delegation?

Has she really been successful in this grand test she did not even know she was taking? Has she really been successful simply because she is still alive?

Was this what Lexa meant?

Survival.

Sacrifices to live another day.

How could she though? How could anyone look forward to another day if all that was waiting was another obstacle course to survive through? How could you keep fighting for a new dawn when you know that all that was waiting for you was just another fight?

Clarke closed her eyes and as soon as the image of the face of the last man she shot flashed in her subconscious, she knew—

**_This was only the beginning._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I don't know how you feel about reading this chapter (PLEASE PLEASE let me know your thoughts in the comments) but I had the hardest time writing it. It has not been an easy time and I had deferred finishing this update because I could not find the right words at times. I will hold back on the length of the next update if you guys deem reading long updates boring. I am so looking forward to hearing your reactions.
> 
> I apologize again if this is sad. I took this update as a bit of therapy for myself. I've been doing some healing of my own this month and I hope it has translated in a good light in this chapter. If not, please let me know how I may be able to improve the coming chapters. Feel free to let me know if you're ready for these two to meet up in Polis. :)


	12. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The act of surrender means ceasing resistance and submitting to an authority. It is a word Lexa never had to face or resort to. She has never in her entire career answered to anybody nor heeded a call of defeat. It was simply not in her nature.
> 
> But if it was the one person she never even wanted to fight who was leading the charge, would she not want to stop resisting her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not slept in almost 32 hours. I have a flight that leaves at the crack of dawn tomorrow and I have not even packed. I have not proofread this at all. Read at your own risk. I cannot promise to read it back and edit it within the day or two.

(Lexa’s POV)

Lexa caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror-studded wall. It was the first time in about half an hour that she had a second to look anywhere around the room, other than at Anya charging at her. She quickly wiped off the slow drip of blood oozing from a cut on her lip. The wrap in her hands were already stained with blood and she smirked as she looked up at Anya who was regaining her composure.

The two of them match in sweatpants, white, sweaty and blood stained training tank tops, bare feet and unwilling-to-lose faces. She checked their height difference in the mirror. She always loved fighting with someone taller or bigger than her. But fighting with Anya was always extra tricky because she always felt…smarter than Lexa.

A challenge.

They have been at the training mats since before dawn. They started boxing after jogging at a nearby park, moved to Muay Thai but then they both got bored and have now exchange blows and cuts in the longest round of Jujitsu they have had in years. Anya took a deep breath and returned her smirk, edging her on.

“Is your mind somewhere?” she teased, indicating at the side of Lexa’s lip.

“Again” Lexa growled.

“Commander, you know you’re not required to show up at the games, right?”

“It’s the first one since the one held after my Ascension”

“I know” Anya sighed. She kicked a staff from the ground and catching it perfectly with both hands. She twirled gently, as though asking permission if she could use it. She never actually had any intention to wait for actual permission. “And you’ve won every single one of these since you were 18. You've already won as Commander of Blood. Is one not enough?”

Anya charged at Lexa with the staff, trying to hit her on the torso and taking aims at her head. Lexa did not have time to pick up a weapon. She blocked the first four or five blows with her forearm, shoulders and wrist before finding an opening in Anya’s stance. She grabbed the end of the staff that was about to hit her square on the nose, used Anya’s strength against her and landed a kick at Anya’s hip.

“This one is different” she said as her second-in-command staggered back.

“How so?”

“It feels more important”

Anya smiled warily at her, throwing her two pieces of short poles.

“You don’t have to prove anything anymore, Commander”

Now armed with poles in both hands, Lexa took her turn at carefully charging at Anya. She had to admit that she missed the high of sparring. Her mind always clears up whether it be because she was fighting for her life or because she simply hated to lose. She saw Anya shift her weight on the foot supporting most of her body and aimed one blow to her side. Anya knows her well enough that she had anticipated the attack on that front but not quick enough to realize that Lexa would go for her foot.

Lexa ducked at the counter-attack of Anya’s staff then swiped at the exposed ankle. Anya yelped slightly before giving Lexa a stare down as she narrowly avoided the full force of the move.

“You just don’t want me there because you don’t want me to fight anymore…” Lexa pointed out, allowing the both of them to take a breath.

“You’ve been fighting all your life. You need to realize that there are fights you can walk away from”

Lexa glared back at her in warning.

“Not this” she declared before taking another charge at Anya.

Lexa had more than enough energy, training and focus to both disarm and defeat Anya. And if any of their trainers were watching, they would have called the victory in her favour by now. However, Lexa still had not knocked out Anya or made her surrender.

Lexa attempted one of her favourite and go-to moves – a combination of swift and fluid sequential blows before leaping for an aerial attack. It’s a flashy move and in a fight, it does render ultimate damage on anyone. Most of the time that ends the match in her favour. But it also leaves her vulnerable if she was fighting with someone smaller and quicker. It leaves her midsection open for a blade or in this case, a staff.

When Anya did not take the opportunity to exploit this weakness, Lexa realized that her opponent has only ever been blocking her in this round. Anya was not fighting back.

“Well then, maybe you can stop thinking about her long enough to actually hit me” Anya smirked when Lexa aimed a careful throw of the pole at her head but missed.

“By my count it’s 2-2”

“By my count, you held back twice and exposed your guts just now”

Lexa rolled her eyes before tossing her weapon to the side.

“I’m not going to kill you, Anya. No matter how annoying you are. And you are the one who spent this last turn on the defensive.”

Anya laughed a little too mockingly for Lexa’s taste.

Lexa turned and walked to the only trunk they have not opened. She could hear another bout of snickering from behind her but she chose to ignore it. There has ever been only one argument between the two of them they have never settled. And that was only because the way to settle it is the actual argument.

Who was better with a sword?

Lexa opened the trunk to reveal three pairs of the three different blades. She chose the two sabres and tossed one across the room to Anya, who caught it without any trouble.

“Stop thinking, Lexa” Anya told her after they took their positions in the middle of the mat. "Stop fighting it"

“Stop talking”

Lexa’s grace and strength is always on maximum display whenever she is fencing. It did not matter which kind of blade was in her hand – she was always poetry in motion with a sword. Anya always finds herself needing a reminder that she was not a spectator in this. In turn, Anya is purely deadly with a sword. She wields it with a savage sophistication and unrivalled ruthlessness that Lexa’s flare to perfect her form usually gets in the way of her focus to defend herself properly.

Anya was quickly on the defensive. Lexa was a little quicker now than the last time they fenced. When Lexa’s usually precise footwork uncharacteristically missed a step, Anya swiftly parried off the blade that was aimed at her.

“You’re thinking too –“ she started to scold Lexa when she felt the ground removed from her feet.

Anya hit the floor with a realization that Lexa was not in a playful mood anymore. The misstep was a calculated tactic to make her feel like she had the upper hand. And the sabres were a ruse. Lexa still had her mind on taking her out by her weaker ankle.

“Yield” Lexa softly panted, her bloody sweat dripping on the mat.

“Very good, Commander” Anya chuckled when Lexa pulled her.

“One more round”

“As much as I would love a rematch, we have a full day”

Lexa nodded, absentmindedly running a finger on the face of her blade.

“Right” she said, remembering what today was.

Fighting keeps her mind off of everything. It reminds her of who she is. It reminds her of her job and her oath. It reminds her of just how formidable she is alone. It makes her feel like she has regained control of her destiny and dignity. It allows her to focus on something she used to enjoy as child -- when fighting was a sport and not a survival tool.

Today, however, she has a schedule outside of her daily routine.

“Commander?”

Lexa grunted. She has done a very good job removing herself from the equation that was Arkadia and its security concerns but Clarke’s kidnapping had thrown her into an uneasy spiral of all the uncertainties she thought she had left in Arkadia. Her plans of completely moving on were brought to a shrieking halt when she found herself mobilizing her entire Special Forces Unit into making sure Clarke was rescued. Her Generals all had disapproved and while they forfeited that debate, she managed to raise discussion again when she informed them that she had extended an invitation for Clarke to stay in Polis.

They did not understand why. Most of them were not in Arkadia so they did not get to see them together. But she knows these men gossip as well. She could hear the whispers now. They grow louder with each passing minute of her awaiting for Clarke’s reply.

“She said yes.” Anya reported.

Lexa heard her heart drop to her stomach. She knew she wanted to keep Clarke safe. She knew she would have marched down that abandoned warehouse herself if needed. But it was only now she realized that there is a part of her that maybe does not want to see her.

Not yet.

“You were asleep last night. I didn’t get to tell you Lincoln’s report” Anya continued as they dried off. She studied Lexa closely, knowing that the topic of sleep is about as sensitive as the reason why there has not been much of it lately. “She’ll be here tonight”

Lexa took her time wiping her face, conscious that Anya was keeping an extremely close eye on her reaction to this news.

“Okay”

“Should I set up a meeting?”

“No”

“Commander—“

“You can handle it” Lexa cut her off with a tone of warning that it was not something she was ready to discuss.

“Of course”

“Good” Lexa settled.

She stayed silent while Anya put away the various weapons they had used to spar. By the time everything have been put back in their proper places, she came to the conclusion that she was not in any condition to see Clarke. Everything about her right now is focused on gaining control of her Generals, proving herself again in front of her people and reclaiming the part of her that had admittedly been ceded to Clarke’s philosophies.

Clarke would not want to see her in the process of shutting off her feelings.

And she was sure that the after all that Clarke has been through, seeing each other again was the last thing she needed.

“Send word to the Council.” Lexa announced. “I’ll be taking a retreat this week. I want to train.”

Anya quirked an eyebrow in surprise, pausing in the middle of the room to stare at Lexa.

“To train for the Blood Tournament?” she asked, slowly pronouncing each word like she could not believe the question.

“Yes. Down South”

“You’re leaving Polis? For how long?”

“Five days” Lexa replied with a shrug.

She got up from her seat and walked to the door. If she wanted to be able to leave on time, she needed to stick to her schedule for the day. She was already outside of the room when she realized that Anya did not follow her. She popped her head back inside and found Anya rooted on the same spot.

Lexa cleared her throat, annoyed.

When Anya slowly turned to face her, she had the most taunting look on her face. Lexa wanted to take out the swords and fight her again.

“You’re avoiding her” Anya concluded with a triumphant smug.

“I have a tournament to win, Anya.”

“You’re avoiding her!” Anya said louder, chuckling to no one in particular. “You’re actually avoiding her! I’m sorry, Commander, but might I ask where thy balls have gone?”

“I’m not avoiding her. I’m avoiding the noise”

“You hate the quiet, Commander” Anya said still chuckling. She shook her head sympathetically as she joined Lexa outside of the room. “You prefer training in a chaotic environment”

“Clarke puts chaos to shame” Lexa replied in a low voice. They had the whole training floor of the building, just as she requested ever since she came back but she knows that her council are keeping a closer eye on her now.

Anya’s grin faded at the response. She nodded rather solemnly and wordlessly pressed the elevator button.

“Stay here and run things for a while” Lexa instructed. “Tell Indra she’s coming with me. Or she can take a later flight until her affairs are attended to. Octavia will join us.”

“You’re taking Octavia? She would want to see her best friend.”

“We can’t all get what we want” Lexa said in a cold tone that even surprised herself.

“I meant Clarke would want to see her best friend” Anya noted cautiously.

Lexa shrugged.

“Makes no difference.”

The rest of Lexa’s morning was a blur. She showered, dressed, met Indra and Anya for breakfast to get her daily rundown of news happening within and outside of Polis. Anya quietly passed her a stack of e-mails from different Generals, all requesting a private audience with her before their council meeting that afternoon. She declined every one and as soon as she handed out instructions to the rest of her staff, she had her office door barricaded.

Anya asked if she wanted an aspirin before she left with the rest of the staff.

Lexa smirked. They both knew Lexa wanted a few minutes alone to read another e-mail from the Chancellor. The e-mails never mention Clarke. They are only ever about security concerns and routine reports on the weapon that has somehow become a shared property. But Lexa never wants company when she reads and replies to them. Anya never questioned why that was the case and Lexa thanked her for it. 

She would not have an answer anyway.

Anya leaves without a word but her eyes trailed on how intense Lexa was already focusing on her mail.

Lexa took her time composing her reply and clicked on the ‘Send’ button. She waited for the soft beep to notify that her reply to the Chancellor was delivered. She blinked away the soft remnants of a passing memory she had been pushing back, hoping that since everything seems to now be settling in Arkadia, she would be more at ease with the idea of completely taking a backseat from their military activities.

A soft knock on the door relieved her from pressuring herself into making a decision. Octavia stepped into the office after Lexa called out her permission.

Seeing Octavia in a cadet uniform has been a common sight for her since they returned from Arkadia. Lexa has grown to enjoy watching this young woman rise to the standards demanded from Indra’s apprentice. She has even gone as far as admitting to herself that Octavia’s test results have impressed her. But they haven’t seen much of each other ever since Octavia walked out of the room when they were negotiating with Clarke’s kidnapper. Having her here in her office now required a small amount of re-adjustment.

Lexa had refused to play along with the kidnapper’s demands even if Anya was advising her to at the very least stall for enough time to put Lincoln’s men in the perfect advantage. Indra was already monitoring their satellite feed when Octavia had asked if she could remain in the room. She was given the permission but when Lexa went against a cautionary advise that would have increased Clarke’s chances of survival, she stormed out.

“May I request a short audience, Commander?” Octavia asked.

Lexa wanted to pity the attempt of a forced polite tone.

“You have a few minutes until I have to leave for my Council meeting”

Octavia stood at attention, trying to come up with the best way to phrase her query. Lexa finally pitied her and ordered for her to stand at ease.

“I thought I was supposed to be shadowing Indra?” Octavia started, slightly shrugging her right shoulder, a trait Lexa had noticed she does when she was trying to tell herself to relax.

“You are.”

“But I got assigned to you?”

“Part of Indra's job is to keep me updated.”

“But she's not here now.”

“They should note your inhuman observational skills.”

“Commander—“

“Octavia, you're with me on weekends, anyway. This trip is just an added training.”

“But we leave today, Commander?” Octavia powered through her sentiments. “I know you are trying to teach me something here and I am willing to learn it. I am, Commander. It’s just that it’s…today?”

“It is an order” Lexa replied simply.

Part of her was enjoying watching Octavia squirm. Another part was annoyed with how questioning orders is innately embedded in everyone she’s met from Arkadia.

“Okay. But I was—I was wondering why me and why so suddenly?”

Lexa eyed her more closely. She closed her laptop and motioned for Octavia to sit down on the chair across her desk, still surveying her every move. Her body language reads that she was not even resisting her orders. She has accepted that she was going on this assignment but cannot understand why. That part confused Lexa.

“You are wondering why I am taking you with me?”

“Yes, Commander”

“You are Indra’s apprentice, Octavia”

Octavia grimaced at her.

Lexa’s eyes narrowed at the sheer discomfort this usually outspoken and spunky girl is exhibiting. It was annoying and boring especially with what the day entails for both of them. Then again, this is, in all likelihood, an issue regarding what lies ahead in the day.

“Ask me what you truly want to ask, Octavia.”

Octavia nodded and took a deep breath. Lexa caught the familiar gutsy flare in her eyes just before she was hit with a question she did not think Octavia would ever actually ask her.

“Are you ordering me to go with you as punishment for walking out of your hostage negotiations?” Octavia asked in one swift breath.

Lexa blinked before gathering the straightest face she could muster, completely disregarding her personal amusement at the query.

“No.”

“Are you doing this to teach Clarke a lesson she refuses to learn?”

“No.”

“Okay” Octavia finally settled. “Okay, Commander.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her and noted the change in her demeanour. She is now more relaxed and oddly intrigued. Like she knows a secret Lexa cannot figure out.

“So. I am not being punished? And Clarke is not being forcefully taught a lesson?” she asked Lexa again with a knowing and smug grin.

“Correct”

“Oh” Octavia chukled under her breath before standing up to attention. “Understood, Commander.”

“What?” Lexa demanded, rising from her seat as well. “What is it that you have finally understood, Octavia?”

“You’re avoiding her” Octavia declared simply.

“Have you been talking with Anya?”

“No. Why, did she say the same thing?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. Arkadians could march into war without so-much a knife, but as of this moment, their biggest flaw would be their incurable tendencies to be inexplicably maddening.

“You are being handed an assignment. You will accept it without any questions unless you want to be sanctioned” Lexa said in an undiluted voice and expression.

“Sure, Commander” 

“You do realize you are not allowed to sass the Commander of Blood, yes?”

Octavia nodded, opting for the wordless response because that was safer than to open her mouth and release a gaggle of laughter.

“Spit it out” Lexa ordered after Octavia just stood there looking like she was about to pass out from containing herself.

“I think it is perfectly normal for an ex to avoid an ex. How lucky it is that some of us can leave the country to do so”

“I am not avoiding her!” Lexa snarled.

“Commander, may I ask the duration of this assignment?”

“Until we return” Lexa replied, confused as to why Octavia would bring that up in the middle of the accusation that she was avoiding Clarke. “You can head back to the Academy but you spend every minute outside of class here in the tower with me.”

“And next weekend?”

“Part of the order” Lexa reiterated rather defensively.

Octavia gave up and just burst out laughing. She had to steady herself and leaned forward on the chair, with Lexa just standing there with a subtle outrage and loud annoyance.

“You're afraid –of—of--- facing Clarke without --  a buffer” she tripped over between her uncontrollable fits. “You are, Commander—It is so--- funny!”

“No. It really is not. Nor is it true.”

Octavia gathered herself long enough to take one look at how utterly displeased Lexa was at this conversation. She sobered up quickly but a snicker escaped her lips once more when Lexa visibly huffed her disappointment.

“I am apologetic, Commander. I really am” she started slowly, trying not to laugh again. “Forgive me if I simply cannot see this as anything less than comedic.”

Lexa sighed feeling rather defeated. She walked slowly away from her desk and gazed out of her office window. She could hear Octavia only now calming down. From a distance, Lexa could see the airport and she knows she would in all likelihood cross paths with Clarke there. She has to make sure that does not happen. Airports are not a particularly kind place for them. If she were to see Clarke again, it would not be anywhere resembling the place they said goodbye.

She exhaled slowly and watched the gust of breath stick to the glass in front of her. She stole a glance at Octavia’s reflection and judged that Octavia has now gone back to the reality that she was trying to build here.

“You are going to be her guard one day” Lexa said quietly. “You should learn how to best defend her. You should learn how to be her shield at all costs and how to be so, should she ever have to make her last stand. No better practice than with me.”

Octavia must have caught something other than the gravity in her voice because she did not so much shift in her stance but almost halted in alarm. Lexa turned to her with a questioning look.

“It felt like—I—“ Octavia stammered before pausing. She looked away from Lexa and put on a determined set on her face, in an attempt to re-word her statement. “Commander. Please do not talk as though you would not be here when that day comes.”

Lexa offered a thoughtful nod.

“It sounded like that was suggested. That you would not be there” Octavia expounded. She cleared her throat and the next words to flow off her lips were graced with supreme sincerity that one would not think they came from the same person who was laughing earlier.

“It’s not a sentiment any of us would want realized”

Lexa allowed herself the smallest of smiles.

“Thank you, Octavia” she dismissed her with a kind of gratitude she rarely exudes in Polis.

“Also, it’s totally cool if you’re chickening out on seeing her”

Lexa finally had to chuckle as well.

“Shut up and leave” she commanded in good nature.

When Octavia left, Lexa poured herself over the remaining mountain of paperwork she had to address before she could leave Polis in good conscience. She was halfway done with signing routine re-assignments and was about to start reading security evaluations of their missile silos when Anya knocked on her door and announced that her Council were already assembled in the main chamber in the floor below them.

Lexa took one look at Anya and immediately gathered that there must be a last minute addition to the agreed agenda of the meeting. She asked what it was before sheathing her combat knife onto her left ankle and holstering a small revolver onto her right one. She removed herself from the thought that if Clarke was here, she would make a comment about how she was overly armed for a meeting with her own Generals. Clarke would also think it was a joke if Lexa would respond that your own men are the ones in the best position kill you.

Lexa cleared her throat, more as a personal reprimand than for Anya’s answer.

“They want an execution for Roan” Anya whispered when they were alone in the elevator.

Lexa stared up at her to see how serious this was.

“We are not going to publicly execute the sole heir of Azgeda” Lexa responded. “Are they that scared of the Queen that they would be stupid enough to make diplomatic suicide?”

“Diplomatic suicide?” Anya repeated. “I would suggest you do not mention that in there”

Lexa nodded, realizing that Anya was subtly hinting at how the generals would not want to hear how their Commander has been “infected” by Arkadian brand of politics.

“They will bring it up?” Lexa asked, stopping just outside a pair of marble doors.

She looked up at the carvings on the entrance to the chamber and like she always does, decides against asking Anya what the words mean. She gave a wave at the guards to open the heaviest set of doors in all of Trikru tower. They both stepped inside only to be met by a fancier, more modern and technology-ridden pair of steel electronic doors.

Lexa looked up at Anya expecting an answer before she faces 20 Generals, all expecting her to trip up. Anya merely shrugged.

It was towards the end of the meeting when Lexa asked for any other concern. Most of their agenda had run smoothly and they had all been on the same page with a new strategy Lexa wants implemented in a particularly tricky region outside Polis. There was no argument on her Kill order on the rebels and bandits but everything else after that was brought with too much discourse that she almost wondered if she were back in Arkadia or if in her absence, free debate had become the norm.

They were all just calming down from a heated argument on whether or not to recall the troops already stationed in Arkadia and be replaced by a new set of what Anya suggested as soldiers who are sharper because of their more frequent trainings. Most generals disagreed. It was not wise to send their better soldiers to a foreign country when they could be attacked any day now.

Lexa disagreed.

Intelligence reports are clear that Polis was still clear of any infiltration. That led to another debate of whether their funding should be geared towards the Intelligence Section or the Development Program in the Academy. Lexa had chosen the latter but demanded a new scheme of how to handle sensitive data coming in from their military camps in other countries.

One of her Generals pointed out that it was unwise to simple rely on information being fed to them. They needed to be more aggressive like Lexa’s predecessor. Lexa allowed the less than subtle attempt questioning her judgment pass.

“Train our soldiers to be ready for bad intel then, General” she said coldly, playing with her knife. “Bad teachers make poor students.”

The general fell silent but the fact that they were not increasing the budget for one section somehow spurred new life on the debate on sharing soldiers with Arkadia. Seeing two grown men bite each other’s throat in front of her, Lexa simply aimed her knife at the map hanging on the wall across from her. She hit Polis at dead center, effectively making everyone in the room settle in their seats.

Now, she watched as the previously arguing generals seem to be edging each other to speak first. She flicked a finger at Anya who understood immediately to dismiss everyone in the room whose rank fell short of General. When they had vacated and her council still have not decided on who should bring up the topic first, she stood up and made her way to her pinned knife on the wall. She sheathed it back in place and glared at every single one of her Generals.

A warning they all know well.

“There are rumors, Commander” one of her more reserved Generals started when Lexa settled back in her seat. “You are to set some prisoners free?”

“Rumors from where, General?” she inquired in deadly monotony.

“The troops talk, Commander”

Lexa smirked. The only thing more absurd than this probing is the fact that it was incited on lips unequipped to have an opinion.

“And so do fools.”

“And of the Prince?” asked another General.

Lexa turned to him after a quick glance at Anya. She studied his face, reading very quickly that he was already accusing her this crucial mistake. He has always been one of her more acute critics to the point that Lexa had wondered if he ever tried to sabotage her final Commander’s Test.

She will always be just a girl in his eyes. He gave away as much when he did not attempt to be polite about his inquiry.

“He has not done anything to violate the terms of his exile” Lexa replied plainly.

“He has contacted Azgeda” the General insisted.

“But he has not gone home” Lexa pointed out.

“Commander, he does not need to go home to be considered a threat”

“No, but he has to go home to violate his exile”

“Keeping him alive is a liability, Commander. He still has ties to his old home”

A murmur of agreement started filling the table and Lexa spared a glance at Anya again. She was already making a mental note on who was for and against Lexa. She shook her head discreetly and Lexa understood that if she were to handle this lightly, there could be a coup in this table in five minutes.

“Did you miss the part on the report that he was held captive as well?” Lexa snapped at no one in particular. “He was not part of the plot. He was a victim”

“I worry you are too close to this, Commander” pleaded another General. “We know he is friends with the Chancellor’s daughter”

“I do not see the relevance of that” Indra spoke up.

Lexa’s eyes trailed on her. She has not at all said a word the entire meeting that Lexa almost forgot she was there. She knew that her silence was a factor in making the other Generals feel more confident in bringing this matter to light.

“We hear things” the General who had started the topic pressed on. “We have heard a lot of things”

Lexa scoffed. She took out her knife again and very gently set it in front of her. She could hear Anya inching closer towards her. Whether that was to shield her from a possible retaliation to her sure-to-follow threat or to stop her from throwing a knife at one of her more decorated Generals, seemed like an inconsequential determination for Lexa.

“Would you want me to change that?” she asked icily, unsheathing the knife and keeping her gaze at her reflection on the blade.

“Pardon, Commander?”

“Your ears, General” Lexa clarified, feeling everyone tense up at the words. “Would you want them cut off?”

“Temper, Commander” the General warned.

That was his first mistake. Lexa does not take well to being issued warnings from people who were already walking a very fine line. His second mistake was employing a condescending tone.

Lexa glared at him, very aware that every other being in the room had fallen silent. From the corner of her eye, she could almost bet that Anya was not breathing.

“I have plenty of it”

“You are young, Commander” the General tried to amend in the most pathetic tolerant tone Lexa has ever had the misfortune to hear. “There is much you have not seen. We must exercise caution.”

“You are old. Perhaps you should exercise other muscles of your body in activities beyond spreading tell-tales”

“I have aged without being swayed by my emotions. We were taught at a very young age, men will rule by their head.”

“And I learned very quickly that I am not to be ruled by any man” Lexa retorted in a frigid calmness that reverberated all throughout the table.

Her Generals avoided her gaze like it would turn them all into stone.

“Are you suddenly to fall silent as you have fallen into insubordination, General?” she challenged.

The man turned slowly to her and made his third mistake.

Talking.

“Unfortunately, Commander…our positions in society are not always indicative of how we go on about our duties. She is a charming girl and even the best of leaders fall prey to charms” he said carefully and much more respectfully now. Only it still reeked of a denigration concealed in poorly faux concern.

“The only person falling prey to anything is you to gossip and unease of that which you cannot control.” Lexa replied. “You would sooner freeze Polis with your fears than I would let my country run on hormones.”

“I only caution you, Commander. The Griffin girl is a wildcard. And so are her friends. And her connection to Azgeda.”

“Clarke Griffin is none of your concerns” Lexa declared to him and to every single general seated at the table.

Including Indra.

Lexa has never been oblivious to the opinions of her generals. She knows which one of them she could trust to remain by her side and she knows which one of them are going to pounce at the first available opportunity. The problem in this table now is that for the first time since she took her oath, every single person in this meeting – save for Anya and Indra – are in agreement.

Clarke is a liability they do not know how to handle. And for some, she is a liability they are not willing to handle.

And for the very few who would dare as far as to think it, she is Lexa’s sole liability. A weakness. An Achilles’ heel.

A downfall.

“Correct, Commander” the general spoke ominously. “She is not our concern.”

Lexa listened to the steady pounding of her heart. It was too angry to be this still. It was too restless to be this certain. It was too empty to be this resonant.

Her Generals are right. Clarke was not their concern. She was not theirs to worry over. Her needs, whims, security and fate were not for them to pick at, disappoint or fulfill. She was not theirs in any way, shape or form.

“She is mine” Lexa avowed.

Indra exhaled with resigned tension and from the corner of Lexa’s eye, she could see Anya fight off a proud smirk. But the clamour of despondent panic rising in the room once more was too obvious for anyone to miss.

“Commander—“ the general started again, failing to conceal the mockery in his voice.

“And considering you seem to find the notion that what is important to me is of trivial benefit to you—“ Lexa’s silent growl silenced the whispers just as quickly as her knife throwing skills did. “--you may pack up and head to the Cold Mountains now, General”

The entire room burst out in both plea and protest. The meeker Generals begged for her to reconsider. The louder ones called out for her to remember whose side she was on. The few who know better, remained glued to their seats, silent as all the petitions will fall deaf on Lexa’s ear. With everyone talking over each other, Lexa took the time to turn to Anya and see how she was coping with one of their more difficult meetings.

Anya remained silent, her hand calmly poised over her gun and eyes fixed on the man leading the pack of Lexa’s dissenters. It makes Lexa feel safe whenever she sees how Anya falls to caution and alarm all at the same time. If things take a turn for the worse, there won’t be a surrender in this meeting. She will come out of it victorious and alive.

“Indra?” Lexa called out over the crisscross of voices.

“Commander.”

“See to it the kind General is properly escorted to his new assignment”

“I am a member of this council!” the General bellowed to Lexa’s face. “We do not get assigned to stake outs or forsaken barracks! I have earned my rank and I have earned my place away from the front lines!”

Lexa scoffed, reducing him to a joke.

“Do you see what I mean about your terrors?”

“No, Commander. I only meant that I have earned my place to advice you. To be here for intelligence—“

“I detect none whatsoever—“

“Commander—“

Lexa swiftly and unceremoniously took out her gun, cocked it, released the safety then set it on the table against the General’s direction. She watched as he gulped at the never empty threat of Lexa’s command over a weapon. This is not how she won them over. This was not even how she managed to gain their respect. But this is how they have all come to fear her. The gun was never a metaphor. It is what it is in Lexa’s hand – a weapon. And there has yet to be an instance when they did not bow to it.

And to her.

The General was slow to leave but when it had become apparent that no one would be backing him up anymore, he exited the room with the least fanfare Lexa has ever seen of him.

“Anyone else?” she asked through clenched teeth.

She was met with an overwrought kind of silence. She waved a dismissive hand and watched the most powerful group of military personalities in the world salute her on their way out. They would discuss outside. They will bring up this topic again but not anytime soon. They will talk behind her back and they will continue to wait for her to make a mistake. But until then, they are hers to control and lead. Even with their oversized egos, they know that.

No one ever breaks their vow to their Commander or to their nation.

“Commander, may I have a word of caution?”

Lexa turned to the far side of the room where a retired General sat in the corner. She has known him all her life. He was a mentor and for the most part, a friend. He served in her father’s council and has been duly credited for most of his foreign policies. But his role as a constant source of unsolicited and ambiguous wisdom has blessed and plagued Lexa even before she ascended.

“As if I could stop you.”

“If you have feelings for this girl--” the man walked towards her in slow paces. He knows her better than all the generals put together. He knows how to approach a ticking time bomb and while Lexa knows there is still a patronizing air in the room, she appreciates his level of courtesy. “-- I urge you to put an end to it. Commanders should not be slaves to young girls who are mere pawns in political affairs.”

“Mere pawns in political affairs” Lexa repeated, sharing a knowing look with Anya. “Obviously you have never met her.

“Arkadians have a history of exploiting resources to the gravest. You are full of promise, Commander. I would hate for all of that to crumble because you acted with your feelings.”

Lexa breathed slowly and calmly, taking in the full extent of what she has been charged with again.

“General Titus?”

“Commander?”

“Would you have told my father this?” Lexa asked without pretense.

“Commander..? I don’t understand—“

“Would you have told my father to be cautious with his heart? Or is this warning reserved to a girl like me?”

Titus waved his hand in an apologetic manner but Lexa viewed it with apathy. He was flopping like a fish out of water and it was almost as ludicrous as his actual sentiment.

“I did not mean to offend—“

“Or you actually did tell my father?” she cut him off seeing an opportunity to bring up something she may have noted during her travel to Arkadia. “Did you tell him the same thing? To send my mother away?”

“I did no such thing” Titus replied indignantly.

“You are here because you have served Polis your entire life” Lexa told him pointedly. She stood up and made it clear she was just about through with this conversation. “You have served it well. I respect you. I am grateful for you. You broach the topic of Clarke again – in whatever capacity – you will know how it is to be sent away, stripped of your rank, your legacy, your dignity. Do your job within your powers and while you are doing so, make sure I will not have to tap into the fullest extent of mine.”

Lexa did not wait for Anya or Indra. She left the room with the loudest slam of the doors and proceeded to her master's bedroom without a moment’s pause. She walked straight to her balcony, with eyes closed and fists clenched at the railings ensuring she does not fall 80 storeys up. She bit her lip, pushing back the ghosts of doubt and her ever growing anger inside. She has to keep it together. She looks down at her city. She gazes as far as her eyes would reach and reminds herself that she has whole country to run.

She cannot give in to monsters, real or imagined.

And that includes her enduring feelings of Clarke.

Lexa tilted her head when she heard her door open but did bother checking to see who it was. She only listened to Anya’s gait pace for a few seconds before settling by the living room. When she heard the rustling of papers, she turned her gaze at the fire in the sky. The sun will begin its descent soon. She will have to miss it. She had grown the nagging habit of coming out to her balcony whenever she has the free time around sunset.

She wants to find it. The hope Clarke had raved about. Clarke was so sure of it and Lexa had played into it for as long as she could. But just as it had been on the other side of world, the setting of the sun in Polis is nothing more than the flirting of colors only to perish in darkness. It is nothing more than a reminder that even the most powerful of fires must at some point surrender to the blanket of night.

Lexa turned her back from her view when she deemed it too beautiful to be anything but tragic. She has about an hour until the sun does completely set and she has to leave for the airport. She knows Clarke’s plane should be touching down in a few minutes. She has to get ready if she wants to leave the tower before Clarke gets there. Seeing her would be a beautiful tragedy that could bring the sunset to its knees.

She walked in her room and found Anya on the couch across her desk, making notes on a black folder. Lexa realized it was the confidential ballistics report from Clarke’s kidnapping. She cleared her throat halfway through packing some documents into a briefcase.

“Reports are in. She is quite a shot” Anya said, setting the folder down, leaning back on the couch and relaxing her eyes.

“How many in total?”

“Fourteen. All in the head”

Lexa looked up from fixing her things. It was an alarming number for someone who has never even held a gun before that time. And for someone who is so adverse to any form of violence, Lexa foresees catastrophic trauma.

“Does she know?”

Anya shook her head, still massaging it on the couch. It was a good thing because Lexa’s expression was not something she needed to share with anyone.

“Do they know?”

“The Chancellor knows.” Anya confirmed. “I assume her Council does as well. I don’t know if she told Clarke”

Lexa nodded silently. She walked over to where Anya was and took the black folder. Anya watched her with an amused expression as she grudgingly tried to make it fit inside her briefcase before finally giving up and taking out another bag from a trunk under her desk.

“Do you want to tell Clarke?” Anya asked when Lexa finished packing most of her desk into three sets of briefcases.

“What good would that do?”

“I don’t know. It’s a good conversation starter”

Lexa detected a tease and glared at her.

“Maybe not” Anya raised her hands in concession. “Do you want me to wait for you in the car?”

“You can stay.”

Lexa looked around her room expecting to see something else she could pack up or fix before they leave. She actually was ready to go now. She was just stalling and she is quite unsure why. She was also unsure how Anya knew she was stalling and cannot figure out why she was letting her. She sat back down on her chair and placed both hands on her almost empty desk. She was steadying herself again. She could not wait to get out of Polis and have time for herself. She could not wait to start her training away from prying eyes.

But that’s what she was doing.

Waiting.

For no one or nothing in particular.

“Commander?” Anya broke the silence.

“Yes?”

“You’re doing great.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow.

“It has been borderline scary watching you this past month but you’re doing great” Anya continued with a smile she usually gives her whenever she’s accomplished something.

“Scary how?”

“Focused. Cold. Hungry”

“I do not follow how that is borderline scary.”

Anya smiled gravely like she expected that answer.

“Like you have nothing to lose. Like you so much to prove. You were like that before your Ascension.”

Lexa remembers that time in her life. She has never been in the kind of turmoil she had to endure in the days leading to her Ascension, that Anya’s statement was almost accurate. Except back then, Lexa had everything to lose and so much more prove. All she needed then was one mistake and her destiny could have been easily stripped from her.

Now she has all of what she was born for. As long as she remains vigilant.

“And this scares you?”

“I’m not scared for me. We’ve been fighting a lot”

“You always ask for a rematch”

“You’re not immortal, Commander” Anya laboured. “You’re allowed to get tired. And when it’s just you and me, you are allowed not to have everything together”

“I have everything under control” Lexa assured her.

“Yes. You do.” Anya agreed with her like that was the problem. “Like I said, it’s scary”

Lexa understood where she was coming but thought better than to delve deeper into it. Anya got up to leave.

“Anya”

“Yes?”

“The bullets. Azgedan?”

“Yes”

Lexa exhaled sharply, making Anya stop at the door. This time, she did not miss the look on Lexa’s face.

“Easy” she reassured. “You’re doing great, Commander.”

Lexa replayed those words as they rode to the airport. Anya was telling her that Clarke’s flight ran late because Lincoln had held off having the plane land until it was absolutely sure that the runway was clear from any other aircraft. This glitch resulted in Lexa sitting inside her Hummer until that party left the airport purely because she refused to get out of the car until it she believed that Clarke was no longer in the premises.

When her car finally pulled up at the runway, Anya moved to open the door for her when she caught a glimpse of that familiar blonde hair. Clarke was standing right next to Lincoln, already animatedly talking with the welcome delegation assigned to meet her. They were walking over to the a waiting car on the opposite car from where Lexa’s hummer was parked.

Lexa glared at Anya who only shrugged. Miscommunication. Lexa had to take in the sight. Clarke does not look like she had been on a plane for over five hours. She doesn’t even look like she had been held captive by rebels. Everything about her was exactly like Lexa remembers. She was bright, energetic, proper but also casual.

Inviting.

But the longer Lexa looks at her, Clarke also feels like someone completely new. It had nothing to do with the scrapes on her wrist that even from a far, Lexa could pinpoint. It had everything to do with the fact that Clarke would every once in a while brush her fingers over them. Like she was reminding herself that they were there and that they were why she is here.  

She feels like a stranger now.

It was the first time since she last laid on eyes on Clarke that Lexa honestly felt like she was looking at an ex-girlfriend.

A past.

“She looks okay. Shaken but she looks good” Anya noted, eyes studying at Clarke being led to a car.

“She looks strong” Lexa corrected.

She had not thought that her admiration of Clarke could grow but the more she fights it, the more undeniable it is becoming. She needs to stop looking at her right now otherwise she might not get on the plane. She was about to look away and exit her car when she stopped, completely believing that their eyes met.

Clarke looked towards the direction of Lexa’s car and somehow, she saw through the tinted windows. Her whole body language tensed up, like she knew Lexa was inside.

“You can at least show yourself. Tell her where you’re going” Anya suggested.

“She does not want to see me” Lexa concluded when Clarke turned away and got inside the SUV waiting for her.

“She must be looking for someone else then.”

Lexa shook her head as a reprimand. There was no way Clarke was looking for her. Anya should know that. They were both watching the same person in the last five minutes. Lexa would know if Clarke was looking for her.

“Have a safe retreat, Commander” Anya bid. “Maybe you can beat me when you return”

Lexa smirked and practically ran up her plane.

The plane ride was uneventful. The South was a private island two hours away from Polis and is usually used by Commanders to either train alone or entertain guests. This was the first time Lexa was using it by choice. She hates flying over water and she hates how quiet it was there. By the time she made it to her villa, she was ready to head back to Polis.

Octavia, on the other hand, was not complaining with the accomodations. Lexa wanted to remind her that she has a job to do and a lesson to learn there but she waited until they were three days in on the retreat. Lexa had just finished her run on the beach and was ready for a quick hand-to-hand combat sessions with Octavia when she found her napping under the palm trees.

Lexa poured a bucket of water on her and instructed her to get her act together. Octavia was given ten minutes to get ready and meet Lexa by the cliff on the far north of the island. It was Lexa’s favourite spot on the island and she hiked up breaking minimal sweat. It was still early in the morning and the breeze offered the kind of reprieve that even her balcony which is 80 storeys high of Polis could not.

She took off her rubber shoes and allowed the rocks of the cliff to dent her feet. She started to get into a Tai Chi stance so she could relax and meditate while still keeping her muscles alive when something about the way the waves were splashing just below her threw her off guard. She hates deep water. And considering she has gone free diving a few miles away from this very spot, she knows just how deep it is down there.

Lexa is never impulsive.

But the water was inviting too. And it reminded her all the things that she has been afraid of these past month. Maybe if she could conquer this one fear, she can remind herself of just how powerful she is.

She knows how to swim. Even if the waves are wild and angry and the temperature unforgiving, she is well-trained to handle any situation. Without so much another thought, her feet leapt of the edge and she plunged straight into the freezing water.

Lexa pulled herself up the surface and laughed to herself. She survived the jump. And she was managing the waves and even if she was chilled to the core, she was not drowning. A strong onslaught of a huge wave brought her down again but she paddled to the surface once more. She heard herself laugh in triumph again.

She was already starting to swim back to shore when a sharp pain hit her on the shoulder. She paused and saw that she was bleeding. She looked back and realized she must have cut herself on the sharper rocks at the edge of the cliff. She shrugged it off, knowing that she has had worse injuries before.

Except that suddenly, the more she swam, the farther the shore seemed. And her legs were weighing her down. And there was too much blood in the water. And the waves are taller now. She took a deep breath and decided she would swim underwater instead. It was her go-to move whenever the surface would overwhelm her.

But underwater was murky. She could not remember it being this murky. This side of the island is hardly visited. No one ever comes here. It is one of the clearest and cleanest places in the world. It cannot be this dark.

Lexa forgot that she shouldn’t breath. She inhaled, out of habit or panic or both, and her lungs were met with water.

There was no way to power through an angry ocean. There was no way to scream for help. She does not scream for help. She does not ever need help. She was still fighting whatever was sucking her under when she felt a pair of arms scoop her towards the surface.

Lexa coughed up water straight at Octavia’s pale face. She felt herself deaf because she was sure Octavia was yelling something at her as she waded them both back to shore. Only Lexa could not hear anything.

Octavia set her down just by the just by the edges of where the waves would touch the sand, before collapsing right next to her.

“That was not a test, was it?!” she exclaimed when finally managed to catch her breath.

Lexa was still feeling disoriented and confused as to how she almost drowned but she reached over and gave Octavia a grateful pat on the shoulder. No. That was definitely not a test. This cadet she was scolding earlier for napping just saved her life. And she was sure that no cadet knows she was poor at swimming. Even her generals do not know about this one weakness. While it was one of her lower marks in the Academy, her trivial fear of the ocean was never made public.

“How did you know to--“ Lexa stopped herself.

How does she ask Octavia without revealing this flaw?

Octavia shrugged like she knew what the question was all along.

“Clarke may have mentioned you don’t know how to swim” she replied simply.

“I know how to swim”

“Fine. You don’t know how to swim well”

Clarke did figure it, then. Lexa would have to address that the next time the see each other. It was after all, supposedly a secret.

“Thank you, Octavia”

“Doing my job, Commander”

Octavia stood up and helped her up. She scornfully scoffed when she noticed that Lexa did not even wince at how badly her shoulder was bleeding now.

“They weren’t kidding when they said you don’t hurt” she said a little too acidly when prompted.

“You are angry at me”

“No, Commander. I’m not”

“We are alone, Octavia. You do not have to stick to protocol.”

“I really am not angry at you, Commander”

Lexa shook her head as she started walking slowly away. Octavia walked silently a few paces behind her, determined to put this conversation to rest.

“I hurt her” Lexa said when they had reached the foot of the cliff she had jumped off of. She reached into her bag to look for a bandage and only looked up when Octavia still did not give a response.

Octavia sighed, taking the bag away to look for the bandage herself.

“That was every bit her choice as it was yours” she said quietly.

“She asked me to stay”

“Yeah, that one’s on you.”

Lexa had to admire that callous spunk. She allowed Octavia to place an untidy dressing over her wound just so the bleeding would stop.

“She did not choose to be hurt”

“No” Octavia agreed. “She chose to love you”

“Love me.”

Octavia nodded like it was the simplest thing in the world. Lexa looked at her shoulder and wondered just how much blood she has lost because she felt a dizzy spell cast upon her. What does that even mean? Clarke chose to love her?

Love? Choice? Love being a choice?

She opened her mouth to ask for an explanation but her voice had frozen up in confusion too. Octavia laughed at whatever expression must have been on her face.

“I don’t know much about relationships, Commander” she said in the same callous and candid manner as earlier. She placed secured one last tape over the bandage and looked straight into Lexa’s eyes. “I’ve spent most of my time flirting with commitment and then running from it. I don’t know the first thing about falling in love. I hear it’s quite a rush. I just know choice and I know circumstance. Neither of you chose to be hurt but you made choices as regards your circumstances. And they hurt you both”

Lexa frowned at her. That was a mouthful. That was the most she has ever heard from Octavia in one breath. It was the longest thing she has ever said to her without a joke or subtle shade.

“So you understand why we are not together?”

“I understand why you both think you cannot be”

“You think we can be?”

“I think you two are together, Commander” Octavia sneered playfully. “Like, duh.”

Lexa’s frown grew more pronounced.

“Explain”

“You love her” Octavia said with a shrug that could have insulted anyone’s intelligence. “You don’t know how to face her but you love her. And she’s angry and hurt but that’s because she loves you too. She’s never going to admit it to your face but Clarke has always been that girl who only ever gets mad at the people who mean the most to her. And she may not know how exactly to love someone like you but something tells me there’s enough emotional investment to make her want to learn.”

Lexa pondered on those words. Octavia could be right. She can deny it all she wants but she knows just how strong and special her feelings are for Clarke. And they may not view love and duty the same way. They may not even show affection the same way. They are hardly compatible if they take a hard look at where they are in their lives. But they have more than just a connection or a history.

Love.

She has been told repeatedly that she was falling for Clarke. Indra went as far as say that she already is in-love with Clarke. But she never wanted to concede to that notion. At least not admit that to anyone but Clarke.

Clarke should be the first person to hear it. She should be the first person to know it and be sure of it. But their time has passed which only reinforces one of the harshest truths of life.

“That is not enough to be together. Love” she whispered more to herself that to Octavia.

“Like, I said. I don’t know the first thing about relationships” Octavia shrugged.

“This conversation has not enlightened me at all.”

Octavia laughed again and this time Lexa joined her. They walked back to her villa and Octavia had to explain to Gus what happened at the beach while she had to go straight to the clinic to have her shoulder looked at. An hour later, Octavia was collecting her from the clutches of the most over-bearing doctor known to mankind.

“Nah, she’s not that bad” Octavia said when Lexa complained her way out of the clinic. “Clarke is way worse. You’d be lucky if she lets you out of her sight when you’re sick or hurt”

Lexa almost tripped on her own feet. Octavia pretended she did not see it.

“If we had the chance to restart something, would you oppose it?”

“Not for me to decide, is it?”

“But would you be against it?”

“No.”

“No?”

Octavia sighed like she was the one who was finding this conversation awkward and unbearable.

“Did I want to punch you when I saw how hard her heart broke? Yes. Do I think you should have stayed for her? Yes. Do I think you’re stupid to ever let her go? Yes” she expressed, making Lexa want to take back her question or to send Octavia back to Polis.

“But I’ve seen you at work, Commander and I hear stories. Clarke doesn’t know it yet but I genuinely think you did her a favour when you chose to keep this kind of life away from her. I’ve grown to respect you, Commander, not just a superior but as a person. As a friend. And an ally. As someone who might be worthy of my best friend.”

Lexa tried not to smile so opted for what she deemed was a respectable nod to which Octavia merely rolled her eyes at. They walked back to the beach in silence and Lexa wondered if this is what it felt like to have friends. She only ever had Anya and that was not even a conscious formation of a friendship. They grew up together and it was impossible to not to have their bond after going through all that they have gone through.

Anya was never a choice. She has always been one of fate’s greatest gift to Lexa. Being here with Octavia now felt like she was making a conscious choice to have a relationship outside of work. Because while Octavia was still a subordinate and saving Lexa’s life really is part of her job, it does not change the fact that the lines have been crossed way before.

Octavia clearly views her as her best friend’s…someone.

“Would you want to spar?” Lexa asked.

“No, thank you” Octavia quickly begged off. She even waved her hands in the air to prove just how much she does not want to spar. “Unless that was an order”

“I can teach you how to be better”

“Yeah but I might beat you and Indra will kill me for sparring with an injured Commander”

Lexa laughed again. She told herself to be careful and not get used to the idea of having friends.

“We wouldn't want that, duh.”

Lexa nodded dismissively and was going to go back to the cliff to finish her Tai Chi session when she remembered something she had been wanting to ask when she was still in Arkadia.

“Why is Clarke so closed off?” she inquired before she could talk herself out of it. “There is very little information on her.”

“She’s had to learn very early on to keep people away from her personal life” Octavia answered. She paused to see if that was a sufficient answer. When Lexa still waited for more, she realized quickly that this was another piece Lexa was trying to figure out.

“There was a time when we were younger that she was popular with the kids. But they never wanted her friendship or company. Just her family’s influence. So she shut those people out and never welcomed them back in. She hardly ever gives second chances”

“But you and Raven are different” Lexa pointed out. “She let you in.”

“Yes. And it got better in High School. We had our own circle but even then she would only ever unravel for either me or Raven. And it was not often.”

Lexa nodded thoughtfully. She already surmised as much in all the conversations she has had with Clarke. She knows how it is to be used for your status. She wonders just how badly was Clarke hurt before.

“She hates publicity and she hates the media but she knows all of those are part of the territory so she worked a system out”

Lexa continued to nod.

“Work a system out, Commander. She might make an exception for you”

Lexa looked up at the change of direction of the conversation. She has always viewed Octavia as a bit more realistic than Clarke so the tone of encouragement threw her off.

“I doubt it”

“Clarke is not a battle to be won, Commander. She’s… She’s who you go home to after the war.”

Lexa did not know what that meant. She used to wonder if that was how other families were. She used to crave for it but after her first real experience of being in the frontlines of war, she realized it did not matter if someone was waiting for her at home. She came home to an empty room and an empty bed and all she could think of was how great it feels like to win a war.

She had come home with her head on her shoulders and that was all that mattered.

Now, suddenly she was not sure. She would be back home in two days and Clarke will be there. Granted, Clarke will not be waiting for her but she could feel the tease of the fantasy. How different will it be to know that someone was waiting home for her?

Octavia was watching her, trying to employ the many techniques Indra has been trying to teach her on how to read people, when she suddenly stood at attention. Lexa noticed it immediately and turned to see what had intruded their moment.

“Lincoln” she greeted him in surprise.

“Were you swimming?” he demanded, putting both hands on her shoulders.

“Not very well” Lexa replied, shrugging him off of the still sore one. “Did you miss the bandage?”

Lincoln frowned at her, completely oblivious at how Octavia’s jaw was practically on the ground now. Lexa smirked at how poorly Octavia is adapting to the rule that emotions have no place when one is in the presence of the Commander. She cleared her throat loudly and Octavia blinked herself back to attention.

“Did you forget that you can’t swim?” Lincoln asked, after giving her a quick examination.

“Did you forget I’m the Commander?”

“I’m still older”

“Of course you are” Lexa rolled her eyes. She gave him a pat before gesturing at a rather bemused Octavia. “Octavia. This my brother Lincoln”

“The man who saved Clarke” Octavia said in a crisp and calm voice that Lexa did not think she was capable of. “Of course. I know you—I’ve seen you around. Sir.”

“And I’ve seen you” Lincoln replied with a curt nod and too polite of a smile.

“Wait. Brother?”

“Half-brother” Lincoln clarified with a smirk that resembled Lexa so much, Octavia had to give herself a mental facepalm for never noticing it.

Lexa tried to act like she was offended at the correction.

“You would think the half that we do not share would loosen up”

“You do not know how to swim, Commander”

“I know how to swim, Lincoln.”

“You are simply bad at it” Lincoln teased her some more.

Octavia tapped a finger against her temple at the exchange before her. This was the first time she has ever seen Lexa as relaxed as any normal human being. She had her guard up that entire night of the rooftop party which led her to conclude that Lexa simply does not loosen up.

“Thank you for saving my sister…and all of Polis, Octavia”

“Thank you for saving my best friend”

“I was doing that to save my sister”

“What?” Octavia asked, finding herself slow to read into the statement.

Lexa knew where Lincoln was heading. She decided it was time to reassert her status and raised a commanding hand to stop him from the response she did not want to hear.

“What do you need, Lincoln?” she asked authoritatively.

“A word in private and for you to pack your bags. We return to Polis tonight, I’m afraid.”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed at him. He would not have flown here without calling first if it were not urgent. She gave Octavia her leave and turned back to him for a report when she noticed something that gave her stomach a few unwanted knots.

“You look at her like Anya used to look at her” she observed.

“Huh?”

Lexa chuckled gingerly before walking away from him to find a more secure spot for whatever news he was bringing her.

“What?” Lincoln called out to her.

“Arkadian girls!”

“What about them?!”

“They will be the death of us” Lexa muttered to herself.

Lincoln eventually jogged after her and gave her news about how Roan had requested an audience with her. It was nothing alarming if it were not for the fact that about an hour after Lincoln had personally checked in with the Prince, two of his fellow exiles were found dead in their holding cells in Trikru Tower. Roan has reason to suspect that his life was in danger and the threat is already in Polis. He will not, however, disclose anything unless he speaks with Lexa personally. Anya did not want this to be relayed on any secured line so she sent Lincoln to get her.

Lexa asked if Lincoln could read any hint of a trap when he came to visit Roan and all her brother could say was that he has never seen the Prince that defeated. Like he had accepted a death sentence. Lexa spent the plane ride in silence, occasionally eavesdropping on the Indra’s and Lincoln’s conversation. She would once in a while hear Octavia’s name pop up and had to keep her amused thoughts at how good Lincoln was in extracting information from Indra without at all seeming too interested.

Lexa gave the seat a few rows behind her a glance. Octavia had fallen asleep after asking permission to nap this time. She anticipates a late night with her best friend. Lexa wanted to point out that she was not even dismissed from her assignment yet but considering the girl did save her life, she let it slide. Just this once.

She rushed to meet with Anya the minute she returned and spent the rest of the day in her bedroom, debating with her, Lincoln and Indra. The strict no visitors policy must have tipped someone from the council off because when Lincoln left later that afternoon to check in with his troops, Lexa caught sight of some of her staff trying to ward off a General or two.

Anya and Indra finally agreed that it would be best if Lexa would meet with Roan but only after they had both talked to him again. Lexa thinks that is a futile attempt considering that Anya had the last three days meeting with him and he would not give in a single information. Lincoln said he will personally arrange the setting in a different holding cell than the one Roan was in. It was imperative that no one would know.

It was nearly midnight until they had all the specifics planned out and mastered. Anya wanted another round of how to deal with hypothetical scenarios but Indra said they were ready. Lexa disagrees. They have waited this long to meet with Roan which means whatever it is he has to say, none of them were ready.

“Tomorrow, then” Anya said when they were being showed the door. “Before first light.”

Lexa merely nodded. She waited until they have both left the room. She watched the elevator numbers stop at their respective floor levels then pressed the button on her private elevator that led to the rooftop of the tower. She needed all the fresh air she could get. When she had left Polis, she did not think it could get any worse than the current situation.

Now, she was a few hours away from coming faced-to-face with a man she had basically carved a sword into.

The elevator opened to an empty rooftop. It was freezing and she hugged her jacket closer to herself as she walked slowly to the edge. She scaled up the triangular tip of the tower carefully until her hands found the crevices she uses to help her climb on the tilted angular surface.

She wondered how come she has never even slipped up here. Anya had mentioned once that of all the dangerous things they have gone through, scaling the rooftop of Trikru Tower just might be the one that would kill Lexa. But she was too good at it and this particular spot is always worth the risk of missing a step and falling to her death.

Lexa laid down and for the first time that day, finally felt herself relax. She had often wondered as a child how it felt like to climb the tip of the pyramids and to watch the desert skies in Ancient Egypt. This was pretty close.

It was a clear night. No clouds and just the full moon. Being this high up also ensured silence in a way that does not rattle her. The wind was chilly and its occasional blow provided an annoying echo in her ears that she welcomes. It spares her from the whispers she goes up here to escape.

Lexa slowly closed her eyes and counted her heartbeat. She had cleared her mind by the time she made it to 30. She started questioning the decision to meet with Roan less by the time she reached 50. She would have forgotten the most stressful factor on why she needed to climb 88 storeys by the 60th heartbeat when her trained ears heard a steel door on the far side of the roof open up. She scrambled, knowing that that was the door leading to the helipad.

Almost carelessly, she slid down the side of the tower’s roof then walked all the way to the railings dividing the actual roof from the rooftop area and from the small flat surface, just below her, that was the helipad.

Lexa stopped when she saw her.

At first she was not sure that it was her. The helipad’s signal lights were all off and she had her back on her. But the moon was too round and too bright not to have cast a spotlight on her blonde hair. Lexa frowned at how no guard was following her. She waited for someone to burst through the doors but nobody came.

Lexa sighed before securing a grip on the railings, using it to aid her jump on the lower level. She landed as quietly as she could have hoped for. Either that or Clarke simply has poor senses. She walked in carefully timed steps, hoping she would get closer to her before she unexpectedly turns around. She had gotten about ten steps away from her when she realized that Clarke still had not moved. She took a peek to make sure Clarke was away from the edge of the building.

Not knowing whether she was even in the position to call out her name, Lexa opted to fake cough. She immediately regretted it when the sound came out like choking cat.

Clarke spun around in alarm, taking a few steps back. Lexa moved forward to grab hold of her but Clarke was quick to regroup. They both stood their ground.

Safe from the edge.

At a safe distance from each other.

Lexa met her blue eyes. It was no longer the mighty sky. It was a restless ocean, much like the one that nearly engulfed her that morning. But they were also less angry. Less angry than she remembered.

Clarke did not even look like she was angry at her at all. She more shocked to see her or plainly horrified that she almost jump off the helipad of an 88-storey building. Her eyes still spoke of a purposeful defiance they were more cautious now. More hesitant. More aware of the darkness around them. They looked like eyes which have stared death in the face and defeated it.

Lexa watched her with careful interest, making sure that she does not make her anymore uncomfortable than she already was. When Clarke seemed to sigh in relief that she was not in any actual danger, Lexa found herself growing a little irritated that she was even up there alone.

Stared death, defeated it and now possibly courting it again.

She was in Polis to be kept safe ad she should have known better than to go anywhere without her bodyguards. Lexa maintained eye contact with her as she tried to come up with a way to say that Clarke was being irresponsible right now without it sounding like a horrible greeting.

“I didn’t think you were back” Clarke spoke in a mixture of defensiveness and shy accusation, beating Lexa’s mental para-phrasing abilities.

Lexa opened her mouth and a soft hum escaped.

“I’ll go.”

“No” Lexa said, stopping her with a controlled softness. “You can stay.”

“It’s your rooftop, Commander.”

Lexa did not know if it was from the chill of the night or just the formality in Clarke’s voice but she felt her shoulder gnaw a little bit. She winced from the sensation. She made a soft grunt, hoping that would distract Clarke from her involuntary reaction but it didn’t work because her laser blue orbs were already focused on the concealed shoulder.

“I talked to Octavia—“ Clarke said hesitantly. “She told me what happened.”

Lexa nodded at her.

“I—I’m—“

Lexa did not know what to make of Clarke’s attempt at conveying either her concern or her discomfort at their current situation. She gave her another soft nod before turning around and walking towards the door Clarke entered in.

“Why did you want me here?” Clarke called out to her.

“I don’t” Lexa replied too quickly.

“Fantastic”

Lexa sighed, hearing the acid in the remark that Clarke was trying to hide earlier. She looked over her shoulder to find Clarke hugging herself and rocking on her heels. She could not decide which was harder, stopping herself from giving Clarke a lecture or giving her an embrace.

 “I do not want you anywhere you don’t want to be in” she said emptily, dropping her jacket on the floor and slamming the door shut behind her.

Lexa barely slept that night, aware that she was in the same building as Clarke. She half-wanted to check if she was safely back in her room and half-wanted to go back up the roof just to yell at her. Then she realized, she may not be able to bring herself even raise her voice at her. She did want to give her a piece of her mind. It was irresponsible for Clarke to be anywhere alone. It was pathetic of her to try and put up a façade of concern about what happened on the island. It was selfish for her to ask why Lexa wanted her there and expect a different answer other than the one that was given.

And it was just rude for her to be that cold, resilient and still look as beautiful as she did.

She felt like she had only closed her eyes when she heard her doors burst open. She reached for the gun that she keeps under her pillow and didn’t bother opening her eyes. She knows the room is dark and her eyes will not adjust in time. She rolled off the bed swiftly and tried to listen for footsteps when the lights turned on.

“Commander? Lexa?”

Lexa sighed at the sound of Anya’s voice.

“What happened to knocking?” Lexa demanded, picking herself up from the floor and squinting at how bright the room was now.

“Roan is being taken to the hospital”

“What?”

“We think it’s poison”

“What?”

Anya shrugged as she waited for Lexa to process the news.

“Who found him?”

“Lincoln. About five minutes ago.”

“How bad is it?”

“Whatever it is, it kills slowly. We should have a report in a few hours”

Lexa nodded. She sat back down slowly on her bed. If Roan was poisoned, they must have slipped it in his dinner. That was only a few hours ago. She was still awake when it was happening. She was probably even on the roof when the first effects of the substance were being felt. She should have known that once word travelled that the Prince was being held in Trikru Tower, someone would either try to bust him out or kill him for good. She should have decided to talk to him that night. She should not have waited for morning.

This is potentially ruinous and she let it happen right under her nose.

While she was on the roof with her ex.

“I want to see the tapes” she said.

Anya shook her head.

“We had all the cameras off”

“On whose order?”

“Mine, Commander” Anya replied. “You were going to visit the exiled Prince of Azgeda before sunrise, did you think I wanted evidence of that floating around? All eyes are on you right now. You cannot be seen anywhere near him. Especially not—Not now”

“Especially not what, Anya?”

“Especially when the cameras in the stairwell shows that you were coming down from the rooftop a few minutes after the Chancellor’s Daughter was going up there”

Lexa glared.

“I’ll have those deleted” Anya amended. “Can we focus on one problem at a time?”

“What are my options?”

“Sleep would be the top one. Order a full medical treatment for Roan is second. The hospitals here know who he is. They will need your official word that you do not want this man dead”

Lexa nodded her assent.

“Anything else?”

“How would you want to address whoever slipped him the poison?”

Lexa did not even need to think about it.

“Do what you have to do to apprehend them. Just make sure they are still remotely alive when they are brought to me”

“Understood, Commander”

Lexa skipped Anya’s top one suggestion and spent the rest of the night running scenarios in her head. She made a mental list of anyone who would have had the motive to have Roan killed. And why. She never noticed the sun rising. By the time she made it down to her office, she concluded that the variables are too complex and the facts too inconclusive to narrow the list down. And she was entirely too personally attached to this situation to think straight.

She had to stop herself from throwing her cup of tea across her office that morning. She was running on virtually no sleep, no breakfast, no update on Roan’s condition and no idea when and where she will see Clarke next. Not to mention that the fact that some of her generals have put trackers on Clarke has not eluded her at all. She had spent the better part of her morning demoting every soldier suspected of spying on Clarke.

When Lexa looked up from her crumbling grip on the tea cup, she found Anya staring at her from the doorway. She smirked at the tea but did not say anything. Lexa hates tea but she always orders for it whenever she felt like her anger was rising.

She just never drinks it.

Anya shut the door slowly behind her and sat on her usual chair across of Lexa. She set down a short stack of folders on the desk and cleared her throat.

“Good morning, Commander” she greeted cautiously.

“Is it?”

Anya smiled at her.

“Roan is stable but they still have not fully gotten it out of his system. They are working to identify what kind of poison it is so they would know how to better treat it. For now, they have stabilized him and are making sure it does not do anymore damage to any of his organs.”

“Is he conscious?”

“He fades in and out.”

Lexa has also been debating whether she should go to the hospital or not. Anya seemed to have read her thoughtful silence.

“No one knows he is in the hospital. He’s in a private wing and everyone is on a need to know basis”

“But the doctors know who they are treating? And why he cannot die?”

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa nodded and reached for a folder that Anya brought in. It was the daily report from the Chancellor’s team supervising the bomb. She read through the first page and tried to quickly note if there were any changes in their working conditions or stability of their bomb but she found herself stealing glances at her desk clock. Octavia should be done with her Academy schedule soon and would be reporting to her. She also would have had a chance to see in what state Clarke was when she made it back to her room.

“She met with some families of the unit assigned to her” Anya supplied the answers to Lexa’s unasked questions.

Lexa scoffed, as if she was uninterested. She went back to reading the report, realizing she barely made it half a paragraph.

“She’s scheduled to meet with the two families of the fallen ones late this afternoon”

Lexa wanted to point out that she did not ask nor did she want to know. But Anya already knows that they ran into each on the roof last night and having Clarke here was as draining as having to ignore such fact.

“She was on the roof” Lexa said. It was not a statement of the obvious but a question on why it happened.

“She shook off her guards earlier”

“You would think being held hostage, she would be more careful now and whoever is guarding her would know better than to take their eyes off of her”

Anya smiled patiently at her.

“To be perfectly honest, Commander… I’m not sure the guards know anyone else in Polis is allowed to have eyes on her”

Lexa’s stomach did a weird flip that instantly made her feel nervous. It was not fear and it was not disgust. She knows that Anya was teasing her but what was implied was a crippling idea. It was almost a fantasy. A forbidden whim that she had, until last night, done a good job of snubbing.

“Was last night the first time they lost her?” Lexa asked, shaking away flipping sensation inside her.

“No. The day after she arrived, she took a detour. They found her back in the Shrine. She was watching the names of the soldiers who died for her being engraved. That was when she had arranged to meet with their families”

“You did tell them she’s here for our protection, correct? Third time they lose her, I will make sure they lose their heads.”

“She is at an interesting point in her life” Anya reminded. “She is looking for her place in this world.”

Lexa set the folder down, knowing very well she was not going to finish reading it now that the topic seems to have settled on Clarke. She needs to keep her focus solely on why Clarke was there as per arranged with the Chancellor. Everything else needs to stay where they were before. There was no point to delude herself into thinking that the challenges of their current situation would aid the repair of their relationship.

She may have needed to be reminded on Clarke’s state of mind right now but she definitely did not need to be reminded of the state of both their hearts.

“Remind the men we would prefer it if she stayed alive long enough to find wherever it is she belongs” she said bitingly.

“You want to know what she’s doing for the rest of the day?”

“No.”

“I will tell you anyway—“

“Anya—“

“She’s helping out at the rehabilitation center.”

Lexa rolled her eyes.

Of course that is where Clarke would be. At least the facility was inside Trikru Tower but it would still bring too much attention on her. And too much attention, inside Trikru Tower, would mean that the generals would have an easier access on her. And so could anyone who opposed her presence in Polis.

“And I am set to meet with her regarding her request to help out with children’s health concerns.”

“Cursed be the man tasked to keep her alive” Lexa tried to joke bitterly but she could hear no humor in her voice. The bitterness, however, was on full show.

“I supposed it is harder to be the woman in love with her” Anya said, breaking the tensed silence that followed Lexa’s seldom display of personal antipathy.

“Just keep her alive until this war is won” Lexa snapped.

“The soldiers really like her. Maybe a little questioning and distrustful but they like her. And the families she has met with have fallen into a spell”

Lexa ignored whatever it was Anya was hinting at. She could spend tonight trying to piece it out. She doubts she was going to get any sleep anyway. The hunt for Roan’s attempted murderer will keep her awake along with the yet to be decided choice on whether she should see him in the hospital or not.

“Are we set to go to Special Forces?” she asked, standing up and reaching for a duffel bag under her desk. She had been thinking too much. She needs to get out of the office.

“Yes, Commander” Anya said, following suit and following Lexa out of her office. “Luna is back, by the way, with a clean bill of health.”

The sound of the name made Lexa grin, with an all-too familiar cheeky glint in her eye. Anya cautiously shook her head, knowing perfectly where that usually leads to.

“Good. I need a worthy sparring opponent”

“Clarke asked for her.”

Lexa paused before pressing the button on the elevator.

“Why?” she asked suspiciously.

“They may have bonded in Arkadia”

“Ah.”

Anya reached over and pressed the button for her. She watched as Lexa walked inside the elevator in a thoughtful trance, the earlier mischief in her features gone. She also no longer looked excited for her training session with the soldiers. Now, she just looks too calm and too resolute.

“Do you want to put Luna back in her detail?” Anya asked.

“No.”

“It might be a good idea to put someone there whom Clarke has a connection with. It would help her trust us a little bit more.”

“She does not need to trust us. She just needs to stay alive” Lexa stared at Anya like what was suggested was such a ridiculous idea that she felt compelled not to hide her irritation.

“I understand, Commander”

“Do you think she will try to run again?”

“Not far and not for too long, but yes”

“Has she been asking about the exiles?”

“Just the dead soldiers but she has asked to talk to Roan. Twice.”

Lexa faced Anya slowly, her eyes flaring with a demand on why she was only hearing this particular piece of information now. Anya shrugged with a genuine lack of answer to the query.

“She asked for Luna too” she said again when they were near the floor where the some Special Forces train regularly.

“You already said that”

“Might have been worth repeating. It could be a show of goodwill”

“No” Lexa replied sharply.

She could feel Anya’s eyes fixed on her. She kept her face as still as she could and her gaze as far away from Anya’s as possible. She could not pinpoint exactly what it is that she does not want Anya to read but which is why she needs to keep her feelings to herself and figure them out first.

“I doubt Clarke is looking for another girlfriend, Commander” Anya whispered, beating Lexa at her own game. “Not from this side of the world”

Lexa convinced herself that that was not what she was worried about. She and Luna have a long-standing history of competitions and disagreements. This was a matter of over a decade’s worth of distrust and discourse. She glared at Anya, scolding the insinuation.

“If that was your concern”

“It was not” Lexa insisted. “I don’t trust her”

“You were the one who was ready to abandon your vow for her, Commander” Anya frowned in confusion.

“I meant Luna”

“Ah” Anya acknowledged, putting a hand to on the now open elevator doors. “I cannot argue with that.”

Even if there was a valid argument on the subject, Lexa neither has the time nor interest in pursuing it. She cannot be expected to carry out all her routines, schedules and commitments as well as plan and implement a war strategy while simultaneously worrying about the most hard-headed person in Polis. Neither should she be digging out doubts long set aside for the good of her army.

Luna is a gifted soldier and until she shows otherwise, Lexa is short of a valid reason to get rid of her.

“Double Clarke’s guards but let them keep their distance” she instructed Anya. “She needs air not more ground.”

Anya nodded and gave the smallest of smiles, as though she approves of how Lexa chose to handle the situation.

Gus was waiting for them outside the training room of the Special Forces Unit. Lexa noticed a new set of stitches just by his eyebrow. She gave him an inquiring look and he muttered Lincoln’s name. Lexa smirked. Apparently, she was not the only one who needed to pick a decent fight that morning.

“Commander? What about Luna?” Anya asked when they entered the room and every soldier inside stopped what they were doing and stood at attention.

Lexa spotted Luna at the very end of the room, standing firmly and dutifully. She gestured for her to walk to the center of the mat. An invitation and a challenge.

“We shall see.”

Anya brought Lexa a pair of short poles she used to train with early morning while Luna took out identical ones from the side of the mat. She gave the Commander a soft bow before shifting to a defensive stance. Lexa always flashes back to this exact scene about ten years ago. Luna was always a good match for her. They fought a lot alike and while Lexa’s record just inches her out by a small margin, she has always felt like she was a more difficult opponent than Anya. Even if strictly speaking, she and Anya always end in some sort of draw.

Lexa attacked first, knowing Luna favors her left. In three successive strikes in alternating directions and a swift leap of attack from Lexa later, Luna was on the floor, rolling to her sides and hurriedly rising to balance herself out again. Lexa does her best to remain within the closest proximity to hers. Luna hates close-range combat and always excels when she has enough space to dance around. Lexa used to show preference to this style, as well.

“Learned from the last Blood Tournament, Commander?” Luna asked her with a grin, once she realized that Lexa was keeping her too close.

Lexa’s eyes blazed at the mention of the memory. She had almost lost to Luna last year in the tournament, simply because she was too stubborn to accept Anya’s warning that she and Luna fought too similarly. That was an open disadvantage. If it were not for a last minute scramble and the fact that she actually fights a little more brutally than Luna, she would have lost.

She would have been a joke in front of the generals.

But unlike her, Luna hesitates. A lot. And Lexa only ever needs a split-second to eye her target, an already weak ankle as the case was, and hit her mark with precision.

Since they have last fought each other, it seems Luna has learned a lesson as well. She took Lexa’s temporary distraction as an opportunity to take a direct strike. Lexa was caught off guard and made the obvious move of going low to defend herself. Luna’s skilled grasp on their weapon was already waiting to give the Commander an uppercut hit.

Lexa almost fell backwards but her impeccable balance saved her. She did not know how badly she hurt until she realized that the room had gone quiet and there was alarm in Luna’s eyes.

She wanted to steal a glance at the mirrors on the wall to see which part of her face was bleeding but she tasted the copper flavour of blood from her lips and possibly most of her mouth soon enough. She smirked. Now, it was a real fight.

Lexa charged at Luna again, this time more fluidly. She applied less force. There was no point of intimidating her opponent. There was no point of showing her strength. This was not for show. This was training. She was training while at the same time, she had an audience willing to learn from their Commander.

Luna kept pulling back, taking side steps and quick parries to dodge every strike Lexa carefully aims at her. She can tell that Lexa was backing her to a corner because the strikes were not even that hard. They were probably done with half the force Lexa was capable of. She cursed loudly when she realized, getting herself out of trap is harder than fighting through the pain of getting injured.

Lexa always finds a way to outsmart her.

Luna finally evaded her by basically cartwheeling poorly, before regaining her stance. Lexa turned quickly to take an aim at her, leaving her legs defenseless. Luna calculated on where to hit, ankles of knees and that decision was what Lexa needed to take perfect aim at her stomach. She fell on her back again, coughing at the wallop.

Lexa looked down on her and strangely enough, decided against a symbolic final blow. Instead, after walking to her spot beside Anya, she called out to the nearest soldier to her and asked him what she did wrong.

“You did not go for the kill, Commander” he replied.

Lexa shook her head and ordered him to execute 100 push ups.

“It is not that she remains alive” she lectured to the room. “The mistake is not sparing your enemy’s life. It is leaving yours open for the taking”

Luna finally managed to stand up. She clutched her stomach, gently massaging the pain away. She met Lexa’s eyes and realized that there was another lesson waiting for her.

“You can choose not to kill” Lexa continued telling the soldiers. “But never make the mistake of thinking your enemy will make the same choice.”

A chorus of “Yes, Commander” erupted in the room. Lexa ordered everyone to regroup in pairs and informed them she will watch for the next half-hour. The top three fighters will get to spar with her. The soldiers excitedly paired off and Lexa called out to Luna.

“Commander” Luna greeted her civilly.

“You held back” Lexa accused silently.

“Commander?”

“You know better than to hesitate. You know better than to overthink when you fight me”

Luna looked down, trying to come up with a valid reason on why she did take too long to tear down the Commander’s knees.

“I paid for that mistake, Commander”

Lexa scoffed at the response, making Luna look up at her with a poorly concealed distaste. She already won and Luna already lost in front of her colleagues. That should be punishment enough for having taken too slow to make a decision.

“You did not hesitate the first time you hit me. Then you saw me hurt”

Luna gulped. She just insulted the Commander and she should have known that it would be perceived this way.

“If I were fighting for my life, my opponent would not have that consideration” Lexa pointed out. “Try not to serve up your Commander as an easy prey to her enemies next time”

“Understood, Commander”

Anya cleared her throat.

“A re-match tomorrow? Or may I suggest you both wait for the Blood Tournament as a valid cover for going at each other’s throats?”

Luna nodded at her and Lexa dismissed her with a wave.

“What did she say?” Anya asked.

“Mentioned the Blood Tournament”

“It still affects you? You won that fair and square”

“I know but I came too close to throwing away that fight”

Anya looked thoughtful. She is the only person, to date, who Lexa ever confessed that to. It bothers her that there was a time that Lexa actually wanted to give up, even if it meant that she would have lost all the respect she worked her entire life to gain. It bothers her more than if it were a real situation, part of Lexa would have surrendered. And they both know that what was said earlier remains true. Enemies will not have the same consideration of sparing her life. They have recently proved the same when they stormed the Chancellor’s Mansion in Arkadia.

“But you did not. That’s what matters.”

Lexa took a slow deep breath but did not say anything.

“It has never been in your nature to surrender, Commander” Anya reassured both herself and Lexa. “I have a meeting. Have fun beating grown men”

Lexa chuckled darkly, keeping her eyes trained on the different pairs sparring all over the room. It gives her pride that they were all very capable with or without weapons in their hands. She picked out the top three who impressed her. They were surprised that she opted against a one-on-one fight.

“Do you doubt I can take three soldiers on my own?” she teased as she throw different weapons at each one, while keeping her sword for herself.

One of the soldiers were almost as skilled as she is and managed to rip off an entire sleeve of her shirt. She grinned approvingly at him, encouraging him to keep attacking all while she was playing defensive with the other two. They managed to knock her down and she had to scramble to her feet, realizing that she was bleeding on her right bicep. She exposed the cut to them and smiled when she saw the look of recognition.

Lexa usually keeps her sleeves well-covered when she is in Polis and only very few have seen her tattoos. It is a common legend that she has an intricate one on her right arm, which was an ancient and sacred symbol. The fact that it was bleeding probably made it look that much powerful. She did not show it as a means to intimidate. She only wanted to show them that she was already hurt.

Evidently, they were listening to her lecture earlier because all three started to focus their attacks towards her right side. None of them were going to spare her for anything. The problem with that is the fact that she is basically ambidextrous, which none of them were aware of as well. With all of their attacks directed on one side, it was easy for Lexa to pick them off where they least expect it.

Lexa helped the soldiers up and congratulated them. It was a good fight and she approved of the level of their competence. She left the room with Gus on her heels, muttering about having her cut bandaged up. She had a doctor called up to her office, remembering how Anya mentioned Clarke has been spending time with injured soldiers. She did not want to risk running into her in the medical section of the tower. As soon as she was bandaged up again, she focused her attention on the reports Anya had brought in earlier.

By the time Octavia has showed up to report for duty, she was about to start on her last stack. These ones were Raven’s personal reports. She caught Octavia trying to take a read from where she was standing. Lexa finally grew tired of the fussing beside her that she unbound the parts she had already finished reading and handed them to Octavia.

“But you don’t sit” she ordered.

Octavia contained her glee as she thanked Lexa and started reading Raven’s report.

“Commander?” she asked hours later, massaging her eyes from reading what now felt like a sci-fi novel.

“Yes?”

“Do you think people change?”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at the question but pondered on it.

“No.”

Octavia sighed comically.

“Good to know because reading these just reminded me that Raven literally raves over science.”

Lexa smirked, shaking her head and returning to the last remaining pages on her desk. Raven was good at her job. These are very detailed assessment of what were essentially already filtered out reports from the actual team within the vicinity of the bomb. She is impressive. These Arkadian girls have their share of surprises.

“Commander?” Anya said, entering the room. “Are you ready for dinner?”

“I have dinner plans?”

“Dinner meeting.”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed on the small tablet on her desk that shows her schedule. She has the night free from any meetings. She was supposed to be spending this time looking into the situation with Roan as well as a personal call with the Chancellor later.

“With?” she asked Anya.

“Me”

“Anya-“

“Commander, please humor me. We have not sat down to share a proper meal since we have returned” Anya reminded her. “We both need this if we are to surge on with our sanity.”

Lexa stared at her, certain that she was up to something. She agreed, inviting Octavia to join them and sent word for Raven. Anya looks like she expected it, smiling when she informed them that she already sent for Raven.

“Do you want to change first?” she asked Lexa when they were nearing one of the smaller and more private dining halls.

“I’ve stopped the bleeding”

“I meant into something less formal for dinner”

“Anya. What is going on—“

Anya opened the doors of the hall and Lexa stopped breathing.

Clarke was sitting on one side of the table, a salad already in front of her as she talked animatedly to her server. Lexa turned to Anya with the deadliest of glares and was just about to stomp away from the room when Octavia called out to Clarke with a wave. She walked over to her and gave her a hug.

Clarke stared at Lexa over Octavia’s shoulder, her face unreadable although it was more than obvious that she did not know she would be dining with them.

“You need this” Anya whispered, slightly leading Lexa to walk to the head of the table.

“But she does not” Lexa whispered back.

“She is not my concern”

Lexa growled inwardly but took her seat anyway. Anya took her usual spot on Lexa’s right and smiled across the table at Clarke, who had gone pale. Octavia, meanwhile, already started on the salad that was placed in front of her. Lexa tried her best not to glance towards Clarke’s direction but the silence in the room and her heightened senses make it impossible for her to miss out just how tensed Clarke was right now.

Neither one of them wanted to be there.

Clarke’s breathing was laboured and shaking. Lexa could sense that she was putting on a front. She was not going to leave because soon enough, she started awkwardly rearranging her salad but never actually eating anything. Her glass, however, have been refilled thrice in the past five minutes. Lexa decided that there was nothing to be gained if she walked out of this dinner. If Clarke was going to show up and tough it up, she owes her the same.

Lexa picked up her salad fork and before she could even take a bite, she realized a reason why Clarke was not eating. Octavia must have too, because while her plate was nearly empty, she slightly choked when she realized what she had been eating. They both set their forks down and glanced at Clarke who shifted uneasily in her seat when she felt eyes on her.

“What is it?” Anya asked, watching them.

“Um. This has peanuts in this?” Octavia asked. “They taste great but peanuts?”

“Yes” Anya confirmed. “Why?”

Clarke tried to shrug off the question, like it was not a big deal. She continued rearranging her plate, looking like she was considering eating what she could pick out.

“She’s allergic” Lexa said.

“What?” both Anya and Clarke asked simultaneously but in two very different tones.

Anya was concerned she missed this piece of information while Clarke’s level of astonishment that Lexa remembers something trivial is rivalled only by the rate of the blood rushing to color her cheeks. Lexa did her best not to roll her eyes. She maintained stoic despite her dismay at how poorly this dinner was planned.

“She is allergic to peanuts” she expounded.

Anya stared at Clarke more accusingly than inquiringly. Clarke nodded uncomfortably, intent on not meeting Lexa’s eyes. Anya knew that they were both wondering how Lexa knew or remembered such a trivial fact.

“How do you--? That wasn’t on—“ Anya fumbled at Lexa before taking a calm deep breath to relax herself. She turned to Clarke again, surprised to see a soft hint of blush on her cheeks. “I was not intending to kill you. Let’s get you something else, shall we?”

“It’s okay. It wasn’t in the dossier you compiled of me” Clarke replied, the side of her lips twitching.

Anya frowned when she caught sight of Lexa resisting the same twitch on her lips.

“I feel like I am missing an inside joke” she muttered under her breath, only the room was entirely quiet that everyone heard.

Clarke finally released a small smile but still avoided Lexa’s eyes. Lexa, on the other hand, had moved on to having a death grip on her salad fork. Octavia just chuckled, shaking her head at how red her best friend’s face is now.

“Are you allergic to lobsters?” Anya asked.

“No. I love lobsters”

“Good” Anya sighed in relief. She went back to her salad and started muttering under her breath. “Cause that’s the main course. If we can’t eat that…well, we can always cut the tension in this room and serve it on a plate”

Lexa heard it threw her another deathly stare.

“Wonder who is to blame for that” she silently spat.

“Commander.”

Both Octavia and Clarke looked up at a rare tone neither of them were sure they have heard before. It was one that they didn’t think someone would ever use on Lexa. Except, Clarke looked guilty underneath the slightly startled surface.

Anya eyed Lexa exactly how an older sister would scold a misbehaving younger sibling. And what added more to what Lexa has now deemed as the dinner date from hell was that she knows their guests saw how quickly she had buckled at Anya’s tone.

It was rare.

And she never thought she would ever hear it from Anya again.

Lexa could feel herself cave inwardly, slowly giving in to a source of authority Anya only tapped into once. She exhaled sharply and gave the smallest apologetic nod she could master. She eyed Octavia who was watching her with a weird grimace after exchanging a quick and rather impressed gaze with Anya.

Octavia seemed to have gotten the message from Lexa and coughed, thinking of how to start up a conversation.

“Commander” she finally said casually. “I hear you trained with the Special Forces Unit?”

“Yes”

“Were they any good?”

Anya snorted.

“They’re the best” she said when Octavia side-eyed her. “Of course they were good. It’s the hardest unit to get into, post-graduation.”

“I could make the unit.”

“That remains to be seen” Lexa told her, good-naturedly. “But yes, they are the best and it was a very good session

“They say you had got hit pretty badly though?”

Lexa shrugged.

“I’ve been hit worse” she followed up with a nonchalant air but immediately realized that her tone still had an edge to it. She mentally chastised herself with how poorly she had a grip on her words lately.

She looked around and Anya was practically hanging her head, completely giving up on whatever she had planned to “fix” tonight. Clarke, however, was still avoiding her eyes but had sat still, unsure if the comment would have an elaboration. Normally, there would not be one and Lexa did not ever feel the need to explain herself.

But she could tell that Clarke was waiting for one even if she was never going to ask, like she usually does.

“In battle, I mean.” Lexa clarified. “And in sparring. I have had worse hits in combat.”

“Well, yeah” Octavia said slowly, completely missing the shift of tension in the room. “Yeah. I mean. I did not ask for a qualification, Commander”

“Well—That was not directed at you.”

Clarke had turned to look at Lexa and was about to say something presumably borderline heated when the door loudly opened and Raven rushed in. Anya sighed in relief as the attention of everyone turned to her.

“Good evening, Commander” she greeted pleasantly, after taking the empty seat beside Anya. “Hey, O”

“Heeey” Octavia said slowly, her eyes signalling at Raven’s plate.

Raven looked down and took a small bite when she felt like everyone seemed to have paused from the prior conversation and just stared at her.

“Peanuts?” she asked after taking a second bite.

Clarke smiled when Raven frowned at Anya.

“I’m not eating the salad, don’t worry”

“Okay” Raven smirked. “Were you all eating the awkward silence then?”

“Lobsters are on their way” Anya muttered.

“Right” Raven’s smirk was threatening into a chuckle when she finally took in the scene of this dinner she was late to. The hall was brightly lit, there was absolutely no music or any other sound except for everyone breathing extraordinarily cautious and the occasional tinkering of forks to plate. There was no way even the most oblivious person in the planet would have missed the level of discomfort trapped inside the room.

Seeing as how nobody looked like they wanted to resume whatever discussion she had missed earlier, she opted to start up the conversation instead.

“Commander, how was your fight?”

Anya gave a frustrated sigh beside her while Octavia snorted. Raven frowned at her friend who only directed a ‘nice going’ guise at her.

“What? Are we not talking about it?”

“She won. She got hit. She’s fine” Anya said in a painfully bored tone.

“And she’s been hit worse in battle” Octavia supplied. “Not that anyone was asking for a qualification. Or that, that was directed at anyone”

Raven chuckled nervously and that triggered a contained laugh from Anya and a full on snicker from Octavia who started choking on the last bits of her salad. Clarke looked like she was about to laugh too if she was not too preoccupied with her thoughts and attempts of ignoring the fact that Lexa was ignoring her as well. She refilled Octavia’s glass of water and finally tittered awkwardly before stopping herself.

Lexa drained her remaining energy to making sure she does not give in to her own urge to join these people who were now starting to break down her emotional barriers. She bit her lower lip nervously when she heard a familiar melody in Clarke’s laugh.

It was obviously different. It was the same song. It still sang to her consciousness. Only it felt more like a rendition. A sadder and more guarded cover. It had the same lyrics and message, just on a different key. One she cannot sing along with.

Their main course finally arrived and the conversation in the table started picking up. Lexa relaxed halfway through their meal but remained silent. Octavia was telling Raven about the trip to the island earlier that week. Raven was not buying the story that her friend saved the Commander’s life and it has turned to a playful banter. Clarke was putting on a polite interest in the exchange between her friends but she had not relaxed as much as Lexa has. She would drink a small gulp of water on a fairly regular interval, that Lexa finally noticed it was a ruse.

Clarke steals glances at her when she takes a sip of her drink.

Lexa bit her lip harder when their eyes met.

Again, there was no anger emanating from Clarke. Not the kind that she had expected. There was hesitation, pain and maybe a lot of resentment but it completely steals Lexa’s rumination whenever she finds just how much Clarke has pulled back from the previous hostility she wielded so passionately. It was almost as if she was fighting within herself and the fact that Lexa was a spectator makes it that much painful for her.

Lexa looked away first. Seeing Clarke fight with herself was making her feel sick.

Surrender is also not in Clarke’s nature. Even if she was not fighting with anyone else. It is a trait they both share and this morning, Lexa was praised for it. To see Clarke struggle with it, Lexa’s guilt from Arkadia started rising to her throat.

So she threw away this staring contest.

She had to look away. For both of them.

“Commander—“ Clarke croaked tentatively.

At the sound of her voice, Lexa nearly dropped the drink she had just taken in her hand. She turned slowly to Clarke, aware that everyone had stopped eating. Raven’s hand was literally hanging midway to giving herself a mouthful of lobster.

Clarke was caught off guard by her own voice too. She paled at the attention, making Lexa just want to end this torture already.

“I—Nevermind”

“Okay”

Clarke opened her mouth again and Lexa can tell she was talking herself into going through with whatever she was about to say. Lexa talked herself to offer a patient and encouraging regard.

“Thank you for the invitation. And having my friends here.” Clarke said genuinely. “I appreciate it.”

Lexa blinked, confused.

“Do you?”

Clarke was taken aback by the heavy doubt in that inquisition.

“What?” she uttered, equally as confused.

Lexa shrugged, wordlessly. Clarke shook her head slightly, her annoyance finally on full display for a quick second. No one else caught it because it seemed to have occurred to their friends that watching them closely was not helping anyone.

“What was that?” Lexa frowned at Clarke, interrupting the chatter again.

“What was what?”

Lexa remembers one of their conversations back in Arkadia that started off like this. Clarke had sounded the exact same way – like she was daring Lexa to point out exactly what she had a problem with. That exchange led gone through at least a dozen ‘ _what was what’s_ ’ and ‘ _you know’s_ ’ and ‘ _that’s!_ ’ before it ended in a make out session.

“Nothing” Lexa quickly answered, discarding the memory.

“Okay” Clarke almost smirked.

Lexa knew her buttons were being pushed and she wished they were drinking something alcoholic so she can blame intoxication on why she was allowing herself to be baited.

“Okay” she reiterated through clenched teeth.

Clarke faced her and was about to respond but Octavia intruded.

“Okay! Guys! I’m gonna skip dessert. I think Indra needs me for something. I can feel it” she rambled, standing up. “Commander, thank you for the invitation. I will be at your service bright and early tomorrow. Good night, Princess. Smart choices, okay?”

Clarke stuck a tongue out at her but gave her a hug.

As soon as Octavia was gone, Raven and Anya started discreetly nudging each other’s shoulders in a secret debate. Clarke raised an eyebrow at her friend and considering Lexa was still watching her with the expectation that they would go back to their own childish charade, she did not miss the question Clarke was wordlessly asking.

Lexa turned to her right and noticed what Clarke was witnessing.

“So, Commander” Raven started after giving Anya one last defiant look. “I was thinking. I can’t keep an eye on the…bomb from here.”

Lexa’s confused frown grew more pronounced. She was under the impression that her personal life was what was being debated. She was about to feel grateful for the change of topic until it occurred to her that the bomb was probably the last thing they should be discussing right now. She could tell Clarke had stiffened up more at the mention of it.

“You do not have to” Lexa responded slowly.

“That’s my job here, isn’t it?”

“Yes”

“Should I not be more involved?” Raven tested.

Lexa’s eyebrows furrowed at how non-random this inquiry was. She glanced quickly at Clarke who immediately avoided her gaze.

This really was the last topic they should be discussing right now.

“You are as involved as you could be” Lexa told Raven.

“I read reports”

“Yes.”

“That’s all I do”

“Yes.”

“Is there a reason why I’m not on-site? Do you still think I might steal it?”

Lexa motioned for Gus as well as the soldiers standing by the door to leave. When the room was cleared, she leaned back on her seat, realizing that there was no way she was finishing the rest of her dinner. Whatever Anya was planning to accomplish tonight had officially just failed.

“The bomb is not in the city” she reminded Raven while keeping a close watch on how Clarke would react to this piece of information.

“I know that. I’m asking why I’m not with the bomb”

“I promised the Chancellor you would be safe. Its location poses unknown threats.”

Anya tipped her glass at Raven, toasting her like she won their silent discussion.

“I told you so” she grinned triumphantly.

Lexa noticed just how smug Anya suddenly turned and how Raven’s eyes had taken her faraway. She was already thinking of a well-rehearsed argument to what Lexa just said. Lexa’s eyes narrowed at Anya, reprimanding her for having had this discussion before.

“Commander, I need to keep an eye on the bomb” Raven declared.

“Raven, are you drunk on juice?” Clarke teased nervously.

Lexa eyed Anya’s body language. She was not tensed but it can be easily read that this was not something Raven brought up lightly. And judging by how Anya was trying to play it casually, Lexa can tell it is serious enough to rattle her usually grounded Second.

Raven was onto something crucial.

“Convince me” Lexa said simply.

“Lexa!” both Anya and Clarke exclaimed incredulously at her.

Unlike before, they wore both on the same page, chapter and book on their surprise and outrage at Lexa reaction.

Lexa, too, was shocked at how Clarke freely showed her distress towards her.

“Sorry” Clarke mumbled with a frown, directing her gaze at her friend instead.

“Commander. I don’t trust everyone on that team” Raven explained calmly. “I think it is a mistake that I am not there.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before we left Arkadia, we had reason to believe that there was someone on the inside feeding valuable information to your enemies. And to the Chancellor’s” Raven recounted “The team is handpicked, correct but the picking was done by the same people you had on your suspect list of who could have attacked you in the mansion.”

Lexa eyed Anya again. She really wanted to tell her off for revealing to Raven that the actual target of that attack was her and not Clarke. Raven must have realized that she had let this confidential information slip because she quickly waved her hand as though that would make the words disappear.

“I want to keep an eye on the bomb please” she insisted.

“Rae, what are you doing?” Clarke asked with disbelief. “That’s not even your job”

“Yes, Clarke. It is. You and Octavia know why you’re here. You both have jobs to accomplish. Mine is being taken away from me. Why? Because the Commander made Abby a promise? And because – because—“

Raven kept waving her hands in the air awkwardly. She was trying to gesture at Lexa and Clarke while at the same time trying not to point at them. She huffed a sigh and placed her hands back down on the table. Lexa had gone beyond confused to now just being intrigued at what Raven hinted at.

The girl had a point. She was technically not accomplishing her purpose in Polis. But she was never here for that purpose. That was a ruse in itself. It was a convenient way to punish her but still allow Clarke to have some sort of connection to the bomb she craved to have control over.

“Please trust me on this one”

“You don’t even have proof that the men your Chancellor picked are questionable”

Raven swallowed nervously at Lexa’s vigilant eyes. She slowly turned away from the Commander and hesitantly asked permission for Anya who shook her head in defeat.

“We have. We may have something” Anya confessed. “Two nights ago, Raven was tracking the shell of the test missiles. The ones we might use if we were to launch? There was a third party signal, coming in and out at random but with a distinct pattern. It was a rider—a piggyback. Like someone was looking in on communication with the device and our controls.”

“I did not hear of this because?”

“Well you were not here and I was going to but that other thing came up”

“And also, because I wanted to be the one to tell you, Commander. But I wanted to have proof and a solution before I came to you with it” Ravens said, getting unusually excited by her news. “That’s why I’m late for dinner. The rider showed up again tonight.”

Lexa glanced at Clarke, quickly studying her with growing suspicion.

“And it is unknown who it is?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes. If it were either of ours, I would recognize it. I’ve—I’ve been studying it in secret for the Chancellor. Someone is looking in on us, Commander. And I can’t do anything about it if I stay here and just read reports”

Lexa gave a thoughtful hum while still eyeing Clarke.

“You are absolutely sure it’s a third party?”

Clarke turned towards her and realized she had been watching her while interrogating Raven.

“It’s not me!” she cried guardedly. “I can barely manually back up my phone”

Raven rolled her eyes. They were going to go off-course with this discussion again if neither Clarke nor Lexa can set their personal issues aside for two minutes.

“She didn’t say it was you, Princess”

“She didn’t have to” Clarke said, eyes challenging Lexa.

“You did try to alter it a month ago” Lexa reminded her pointedly.

“It’s not me.”

“And I will just take your word for it?”

“If it amounts to anything, sure. Why not?”

“Okay, kids. Focus on the issue here?” Anya refereed. “Raven, do you even know where the physical location of the bomb is? It’s too dangerous for you to go. Clarke is right, it is not your job. Stop being ridiculous about this”

Lexa was silent and thoughtful. She was starting to fume inside both at the possibility that the third party could probably just be Clarke and just the fact that they have arrived in a scenario where she was questioning her trust in Clarke.

“I will have my people look into it” she decided as a compromise. “My trusted circle”

“And then what? There is a reason why you asked us to build this bomb, Commander. It’s because we’re better at it. Your people can check it out but they wouldn’t know how to stop the hack. Or how to trace it secretly”

Lexa’s admiration and respect of Raven grew exponentially with the argument that was just posed.

“You cannot do that here?”

“No. Not effectively. I need to see behaviour of people around it so I can profile how they would translate into computer codes”

“This is dangerous, Raven.”

“Only if people found out. You tell the Chancellor. And it stays just between the five of us.”

“The team will know once you get there. They will know something is off” Anya argued with her while at the same time trying to convince Lexa of this possibility.

“Then don’t let them know I’m there!” Raven exclaimed like it was the simplest solution.

Anya and Clarke both started arguing with her as well as trying to convince her to use her common sense. It was an amusing sight for Lexa to watch. She has never seen Anya agree with any one on any thing as much as she agrees with Clarke at this very moment. Their arguments, however, fall on deaf ears as Raven was already silently pleading with the only person who can actually make the decision.

Lexa knows she will need to see the proof Raven claims to have. And she knows this was the least calculated risk she will ever have made. It was, to a degree, unnecessary. They have the tools and the people to assess this situation and Raven could simply help them out.

But Raven is an unknown factor for anyone who was looking in. The fact that they showed up again tonight to hack into the control system of the bomb proves that they are unaware of the surveillance Raven was doing. This is a smart choice. It may be the only way that they could get ahead of everything that has happened in the past month.

Roan was poisoned and they do not know by whom yet.

Clarke was abducted and even if they knew the purpose of the same, they have yet to pinpoint the source that allowed Roth any sort of machinery to pull the job off.

The Chancellor was attacked. Again.

And someone still had Lexa on their Kill List.

These could all be connected and they have not had any way to be ahead of who was targeting them until Raven brought it up.

The Chancellor would not like this. This might even cause a fight. Clarke was already fighting her. Anya looks like she was a few seconds away from doing the same. And to top it all off, she has all her generals breathing down her neck and as much as she would like, she could not exile them all.

Lexa had never felt more attacked with choices and reason as she does now.

It is not in her nature to surrender a battle.

Unless it was a way to win an entire war.

“Anya will go with you” told Raven definitively.

“What?” Anya spun her head towards Lexa that her neck could be broken. “Where? Commander!”

Lexa raised a hand to silence her. This dinner was more than she had bargained for and she was exhausted. These Arkadian girls were exhausting. She gave Anya a stern look. She had very little patience and brainpower left in her right now. The last thing she needs was an argument from her own people.

“She will set you up a few miles away from the actual location. Two or three days to settle you in then she returns here like it was any other diplomatic trip” Lexa said, her mind already planning every detail of this mission. “We do not tell anyone. We tell the Chancellor and no one else. Not Octavia. Not Indra. Nobody.”

“Commander—“ Anya protested.

“I will have two of my brother’s most trusted soldiers guard you. But it will be a black ops mission. Everything off the books. Their only duty will be to keep you alive. You do not tell them what you are doing there. You will not know their names and they will not know yours. You will never meet. You are not allowed to contact them and they will not be allowed to contact you unless they have to extract you from certain death. You will report only to me and will do so every six hours.”

Raven listened intently. She took in what was just said and realized that the Commander of Blood had basically just given her the mission she was asking for.

“Do you understand me?” Lexa asked sternly.

“Yes, Commander”

“Commander, this is ridiculous—“ Anya protested again.

“She is right, Anya. We cannot trust anyone”

“But we can trust her?”

“You evidently do.”

“Commander—“

Lexa waved another dismissive hand at Anya as she just thought of a way to increase the chances of this venture.

“You will receive emergency tactical and survival training” she told Raven before addressing the stunted look on Raven’s face. “An intense 24 hours of the course should do it”

“Lexa” Anya whispered urgently. “You cannot possibly send her out there.”

“I’m volunteering, Anya”

Raven’s voice was so soothing and gentle that Lexa felt herself get goosebumps. She looked at Clarke who had fallen silent. If she were not so deep in her own musings, she would have caught on the change in Raven’s tone.

“Clarke, help me out here” Anya tried to snap Clarke out of her trance.

“You have a brother?” Clarke asked Lexa.

Lexa blinked, unsure of why that was the question that came up after her long silence.

“Sorry” Clarke quickly muttered when she realized what she had just asked. “I just—You never mentioned a brother”

Lexa was unable to contain a small smile and Anya raised her hands up both in defeat and disbelief. This is the most exhausting, infuriating and positively amusing conversation Lexa has ever been part of and the fact that Anya is relatively done with how ridiculous it has turned out, only made it funnier for someone who had spent the better part of her career arguing with condescending old men.

“This is not happening” Anya uncharacteristically whined.

“Anya, calm down. What other choice do we have?”

“Send an actual soldier. We have an intelligence unit. We have a Tech Group. Send your brother! He’s the only person you trust o matters like this.”

“None of them are as good as her”

“She’s not trained” Clarke argued, finally regaining a steady voice. “You said before, you cannot send an untrained soldier to war.”

“Thank you, Miss Griffin, for joining us” Anya scoffed with an actual air of gratitude.

Raven gave Anya a soft pat on the shoulder, as though telling her to dial back the dramatics. Anya flinched a little but allowed it. As far as Lexa was concerned, this exchange was the most concerning around the table. She was still wondering how long until Clarke catches on.

“Clarke, I’m not being drafted”

“What the actual fuck, Rae?”

“I’m not being drafted” Raven replied with a laugh. “Have you been listening? I’m literally signing up. I’m actual signed up and voluntarily waiting to be deployed”

“Rae—“

“I’ve thought about this a lot. I know what I’m asking to be a part of” Raven patiently explained to her friend. “I want to do this. I have seen—I have seen the consequences of this war. I’ve seen it tearing into our ranks. We are getting hit all over the place, Clarke. We need to cut out the internal problem. This is what I have to offer and I do not want it gone to waste”

“You are not a soldier, Raven”

“Soldiers are not required for this specific job.”

Lexa exhaled sharply. She regarded Raven with an approving look. If Octavia earned her respect completely on the Island, Raven just earned it on this dinner table. She can finally be at peace with this decision. Raven was not doing this for anything other than pure duty. She found her purpose and her place and chooses not to settle with the mere discovery. She was going to use it to serve.

To serve without asking for anything in return other than knowing that she was doing it to protect the people she loves.

Lexa hummed calmly. Anya turned to her and recognizes the look. Her shoulders slumped in concession. If Lexa deems someone worthy, it is the highest type of honor to trust her with a suicide mission. There were no more arguments to be made here.

Clarke seemed to have realized the same thing. What Raven said seemed to have hit home. Everything about her body language was already leaning towards complete agreement.

“I want to be there when she has her crash course on survival” she requested Lexa. “She gets only the best of your trainers. And I want to have direct line to her as well. And she should be able to contact my mother should she need to. She should have the option on who to call in case a disaster puts either of our people in a direct path to ruin.”

“Anything else?” Lexa inquired sarcastically.

“I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m not the biggest fan of putting people important to me in compromising positions” Clarke replied in equal fashion.

“Because you did not ask her to look into the bomb in the first place?”

“Because if I had the power to bargain her life to the safest possible position, I would”

Lexa knew immediately knew where that statement was coming from even if Clarke seemed surprised that she said that out loud. That was for another discussion that neither one of them was ready to be a part of. Lexa waved her white table napkin before tossing it on the table.

“It would contravene my promise to the Chancellor if you are harmed in any way, Raven. You don’t leave unless you pass every test you need to pass”

“Yes, Commander”

“And she gets the best of your instructors” Clarke added.

“I heard you the first time, Clarke” Lexa grumbled. She ignored the twists in her stomach forming at the realization that that was the first time she had said Clarke’s name as an actual address to Clarke. It has been a month and the name still rolls off her tongue with a familiar but painful pleasure.

She has no time for sentiments. She cleared her throat and turned to Anya.

“Tell Lincoln I expect training to start before sunrise.”

“Lincoln is your brother!” Clarke exclaimed excitedly. “Of course!”

Lexa ignores her, wrangling the smile that was about to creep on her face.

“Anya? Did you hear me?”

“Understood, Commander”

Anya was back to her usual composed self, turning her attention back to Raven.

“Raven Reyes. Shaking up the game” she teased flatly.

“Raven Reyes. Saving the world” Clarke badgered more playfully and actually came off as more genuine and supportive.

“Just helping you out, Princess.”

“Watch out world”

Anya sighed dramatically at the girl sitting next to her. She could not help but gaze rather proudly albeit she was still close to mocking her.

“Throws away that loft for a cabin in the woods”

“I’m throwing the noise of the city for the tranquillity of nature. I need me some serenity and a few alone moments with my codes”

“The world has always been loud, Rae. You never had a problem with it before” Clarke said.

“We’ve all seen more of the world lately, Princess. You would start to question your role in it. Maybe my fate is in the mountains”

Clarke laughed nervously at the thought.

“And we all apparently just agreed that it is in the mountains”

“Not entirely accurate” Anya pointed out. “But she’s right. The world is restless and anyone brave enough to do something about it has my admiration. What say you, Commander?”

Lexa was still reeling from hearing Clarke’s laughter. She was trying to analyse how much of it was actual laughter. She had to gather her thoughts before she could come up with a reply, calculated enough not to touch anymore nerves around the table.

“Who knows with fate? I understand it gets bored once in a while”

“As it does every century?” Anya joked.

It fell flat and did the exact thing Lexa was avoiding.

Clarke stiffened up again and Lexa could no longer contribute to her discomfort.

“Get some sleep, Raven. Lincoln will be at your door before 4 in the morning.”

Lexa left the room with all the composure she has left in her. She paced her footsteps until she heard Anya trying to catch up with her. When she has, they both gave Gus a look which he understood to mean that he was not to join them in the elevator.

“I do not want to hear it, Anya” Lexa warned as soon as the elevator doors shut. It was a long ride to her bedroom. She knew she was going to get an earful from Anya whether she gave out a warning or not.

“Are you trying to punish Clarke, Commander?”

“Have you joined the rising elite unit of believers that my decisions are all based on Clarke?”

Anya suppressed a frustrated growl.     

“That is not what I meant”

“Yes, it is” Lexa contended. “I ask, however, how about you? Do you disagree with this choice because of Raven’s lack of training or because you and her have gotten close?”

“Don’t turn this around on me, Commander. This particular choice has implications on your relationship with Arkadia, with the Chancellor, not to mention the less than desirable consequences of keeping this from your own council. As for Clarke—“

“Clarke has quite cleverly set the terms of Raven’s deployment or did you miss that? She is not issue in this! She is not an issue in anything! Not anymore!”

Anya leaned on the elevator wall and started slamming the back of her head softly on it.

“You fear for Raven. You care for her. I saw it tonight. I’ve been seeing it since we have returned” Lexa whispered gently. As much as both of them are so close to challenging each other to a sword fight right now, it bears heavily on Lexa that at the end of the day, they only ever have each other to rely on.

The world was indeed restless and it seems like fate has undeniably gone bored. Now was not a time to turn against each other. Even if that seemed like the easier option right now.

“You can handle your personal affairs” she continued with a little more authority now. “But stop acting like you don’t think this is a brilliant strategy. Don’t think me too foolish, Anya.”

Anya stopped bumping her head. She sighed and slowly opened her eyes. She pursed her lips apologetically at Lexa.

“It is. I apologize for overstepping, Commander” she said silently. Lexa can feel her sincerity and on good days, that was always enough to settle an argument. “And I do care for her, which is besides the point. Believe me when I say that I can handle what it is thrown at us. But I cannot handle seeing you hurt again. And you will get hurt if you keep pursuing things that will hurt Clarke too.”

“She encouraged it”

“Have you ever seen Clarke surrender her stand on something so easily?” Anya quizzed. “ No, you and I never have. I think she is done fighting you. And when this finally hits you as reality, you will hurt more. Again.”

“I am not hurt”

“Don’t think me too foolish, Lexa” Anya echoed her Commander’s warning.

Lexa exhaled a heavy breath. So that was why Anya tricked her to dinner. It had very little to do with strategy or even an icebreaker to their new reality of living together. She really was trying to fix them. She was trying to mend all that was broken in Lexa. Perhaps with the hopes that it will lessen the endless considerations and reservations she has had ever since they returned from Arkadia.

“My head is clear, Anya.”

“I know, Commander.”

“And I have enough doubters”

“I’m not one of them”

“I know that. Did you to be reminded of it?”

The elevator doors opened to Lexa’s floor. Anya held them open.

“You are doing a good job with Polis, Commander. And I do not doubt you” she reassured Lexa. “I do not doubt that you will never be swayed by affection. Perhaps, that is the fear here. You would not yield to it. You would not yield to her.”

“It is not in my nature” Lexa quoted her.

“No” Anya smiled sadly. “I have to consider the possibility that shunning away affections might be more destructive to you than giving into them.”

Lexa did not have a response.

“Good night, Commander” Anya bid, letting go of the elevator doors.

Lexa walked to her room in silence. She threw herself on the bed and without even meaning to, gave out to the exhaustion and overpowering need to sleep. She woke up about four hours later, stared at the clock and decided that four hours was more than enough. She could probably shoot for two more but it was already midnight which means she was running behind on the work she intended to accomplish tonight.

She pulled herself out of bed and into the shower. She has never felt this tired before and she was quite positive that it had nothing to do with the all the fighting she had put upon herself. She undressed, turned the shower on and allowed the warm trickle of water ease the tension in her muscles. She tried to recount what had happened since her day officially started, trying to put each and every issue in order of importance.

Lexa had just turned the shower off when she realized that in her mental list, she had not at all included Clarke.

It was not an oversight.

It was a product of her conscious choice to leave all matters regarding Clarke’s security to Anya and to Lincoln. And while she knows that security was not the only issue with Clarke, letting go of any hope that they could rebuild what they had had allowed her to experience a rebellious bout of freedom.

It was freeing.

But it did only last for that moment.

Because as she dressed into more comfortable clothes, she was reminded yet again of how Clarke acted all throughout dinner. She was hesitant. Guarded. Strong as ever. Composed. And she put on her work face and work voice. She was every bit of the daughter her mother raised her to be. She was her public persona.

She was not _her_ Clarke.

It almost felt like Clarke finally gave in to the role she was born to play. At least, she tried very hard to keep playing it.

Until they both slipped and fell into a habit of challenging each other or pushing each other’s buttons with banters.

Until they both slipped and fell into the pit of topics they should only ever discuss once they have both come into terms with what it is they really feel.

Until they both slipped and fell into the realization that there was still pain there. And there was resentment. And the more they try to be responsible with their feelings and set aside their personal issues, the more they find themselves getting sucked into them.

Maybe Lexa should really just stop fighting it. Maybe Anya was right and she should just stop fighting the lure that is Clarke. Maybe she should go down to her room right now and just apologize for ever leaving her. Maybe she should tell her the long list of reasons why she had to leave her.

But that would lead to another fight; one which Lexa suddenly considered giving up as well. She should just stop fighting with Clarke. She should stop fighting with Clarke and start fighting for her.

Lexa shook her head.

That was a deadly and pathetic thought. She has an oath to keep. And she no longer has the right to fight for Clarke, anyway.

If there was something she should be completely surrendering, it was supposed to be this nagging hope that there was another way for them to live their lives, be who they are, and still be together.

Clarke’s eyes were clear, though. She had no space for Lexa in her life right now. She had too many demons and they were all active. Lexa would know. She would recognize inner turmoil from miles away. She has lived with it her entire life. She wishes she could have spared Clarke from all of it. She wished Clarke’s eyes still held the sky and its constellations instead of the sorrows of the sea and the anger of storms. She wishes she could shield her from the ravenous voices that violent deaths bring upon a person. Clarke deserved only melodies. Only the softest, purest melodies.

Lexa felt her stomach lurch when she realized that her wishful thinking are useless. She had always known that Clarke was destined for greater things. And great things, great fates called for great burdens.

The loud banging on her door startled her. She reached for the gun she had set on her bed and walked to the door but Gus had opened in without her permission.

“Commander” he said in surprised. “I thought you would be asleep”

Lexa waved curiously at why he was practically out of breath.

“It’s Miss Griffin” Gus explained in a soft urgency that did not at all fit his physique. “Something happened. She was screaming in her room and the guards are—“

Lexa did not hear any of it. Gus must have anticipated her next move because the elevator door was already opened and Clarke’s floor was already pressed. Three floors down felt like a hike up the highest peak of the world when you are rushing to find out if the woman you were just trying yourself not to be in-love with anymore, has been murdered in her bedroom.

Lexa stormed into the bedroom, not even looking at who else was in the room. Her eyes scanned the carpets quickly, prepared to see blood. There was none. She looked at the walls and the ceiling, worried to see a lifeless body hanging. There was none. She saw Lincoln by the bed with his back on her, trying to calm someone down.

“Lincoln” her voice shook.

Lincoln turned to her, his face set.

“She’s okay” he assured her, taking a step to the side to reveal Clarke sitting on her bed, hugging herself.

Lexa sighed the biggest relief of her entire existence. She approached the bed slowly and saw that it had thrashed. The soldier next to Clarke was trying to cover her in a blanket but Clarke was refusing to be touched.

“Clarke” Lexa said gently. “What happened?”

Clarke met her eyes and instantly, tears started flooding down her face. Lexa almost took a step back, completely unprepared to see her cry. She moved slowly and sat next to Clarke, keeping a respectful distance between them.

“Was someone here?” she asked softly. From the corner of her eye, she could see the soldier’s jaw dropped. That was probably the most foreign voice and tone she has ever heard the Commander of Blood speak. “You can tell me”

Clarke sniffed and hastily wiped her tears. She glanced at Lexa and shook her head slowly.

Lexa tried to make sense of what was going on. Clarke was distraught. She was shaking but at the same time, Lexa has never seen her cocoon herself this much. She needed to be held. No amount of work face or public persona could dispute that what she needs right now is a human embrace. Lexa also knows that Clarke will keep turning down any offer of comfort until she has calmed down enough to give herself her needed support. And that included whatever type of aid Lexa was more than willing to give.

“Where is Octavia?” she asked Lincoln.

“With Indra, checking all the rooms in this floor”

Lexa cursed under her breath. She studied Clarke again. She was still shaking but that has visibly subsided. She had released her steady hug on herself and set her hand on her lap. Lexa had clasp her own hands together to stop herself from reaching over and give Clarke a supportive squeeze.

“Clarke, you are safe here” she whispered.

Clarke met her eyes again and the tears flowed once more. Lexa was unable to stop herself this time. She reached over gently, using the back of her fingers to wipe the tears one by one. Clarke did not flinch and Lexa’s hand trembled both at the contact and at the lack of rejection.

 “This is how we die” Clarke whispered when Lexa pulled her hand away.

Lexa frowned. She must have heard that wrong but when Clarke held her eyes, she immediately what had happened here. She should have known it the minute she stepped into the room. She did just tell herself she could recognize it from miles away.

“Come with me” she invited Clarke without offering her hand.

Clarke nodded and followed Lexa silently out of the room. Lincoln and Gus walked with them to the elevator but neither one attempted to join them.

“Have the room processed and cleaned” Lexa instructed Lincoln. “Tell Anya and Raven not to worry too much”

Lincoln did not bother to ask for details. He gave Lexa a soft pat on the shoulder before leaving the doors to close.

Lexa turned to Clarke who was hugging herself again. She decided against moving closer to her and against saying anything else. They will both have to endure the silence because in this particular situation a touch from the wrong person would only make matter worse. And words will do more damage than good to the volatility of Clarke’s state.

“You called me that night” Clarke breathed.

Lexa gazed at her in surprise. She hummed a quiet affirmation.

“You just listened to me breath?”

Lexa took a deep breath as the elevator doors opened. She held out her arm, allowing Clarke to step off first. Clarke did not move. She only faced Lexa, waiting for an answer.

Lexa shrugged sheepishly.

“What else was I supposed to do?”

Clarke blinked at her. Lexa shrugged again.

Clarke just stared at her before a soft singular chuckle escaped her lips. She shook her head and as the faintest of smiles brushed by her face, stepped out of the elevator. Lexa followed her out astonished that apparently that was an acceptable answer.

They walked side by side in silence towards Lexa’s bed door. Clarke seemed to fall back on her earlier trance as they entered the room. She hugged herself again but allowed Lexa to lead her to the bed.

Lexa was already mad at herself for leaving too many files scattered on her couches, that there was literally nowhere else in the room for them to sit on. Thankfully, there was still a lounge chair on the corner of the actual bedroom area of the room. Lexa dragged it towards the bed and sat, facing Clarke.

“You can sleep or we can talk. I’ll sit here and stay on guard, okay?”

Clarke nodded slowly.

“Okay. Make yourself comfortable while I head out to give instructions about your security.”

Lexa stood up but Clarke grabbed her by the wrist. She shuddered at the touch. Clarke’s hands were cold but she was sure that it had nothing to do with temperature and everything to do with the contact again. She felt herself crumble at the touch. Clarke was the one having a hellish evening but it was Lexa who felt like she was so close to waving a white flag at everything that is keeping the both of them apart.

Because, right now, she just wanted to hold her. And the pain of not being able to do so is harsher than the entire month of having to tell herself to accept the reality that they were never going to have what they lost.

Lexa placed her free hand over Clarke’s hand gripping her wrist. Clarke pulled away gently.

Lexa sighed. Her craving for Clarke’s touch will have to give way to the horrors plaguing Clarke. She cannot even compare her human weaknesses to the kind of agony that was inside the girl in front of her right now.

“There was no one there” Clarke said. “I’m pretty sure no one made it past your men.”

“They said you were shouting— You were dreaming, weren’t you?”

“Maybe. I don’t know” Clarke shuddered as she tried to recall what exactly happened in the room. “But there wasn’t anything there. I’m not even sure I fell asleep. I took a walk. I came back and—I don’t know exactly--”

“Were you trying to run away? Again?”

“I feel trapped. That’s why I shook my guards last night. It was stupid. I’m sorry. I know how stupid it was. I had my guards with me tonight. I know I made it back to the room. I’m just not sure if I was completely asleep—”

“Do you want to go home?”

Clarke nodded, another tear escaping her eye. Lexa wiped it again with the back of her fingers.

“But I know I shouldn’t. Not until we eliminate the threat”

Lexa sat on the lounge chair and waited until Clarke gathered herself. She waited until Clarke looked up and held her gaze again.

“Do you understand why it has to be this way?”

“Yes”

“Do you know why I can’t let you leave if I wanted it?”

“Yeah. Yes.”

"What you said earlier about how we die? You dreamed the legends, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Did you see borrowed memories again..?"

"I think so."

“Do you want me to leave now?”

Lexa could feel her heart at a rapid thudding as she waited for Clarke to answer. She would have accepted any sort of reply. All she needed was any affirmative response and she will move out of her own room if that was the amount of space and comfort Clarke needed from her right now. She owes her at least that.

“I don’t know” Clarke finally replied.

Lexa felt the violent surge of hope overwhelming her senses. She knows it was rude to feel this way. She was cheating. But Clarke is not sure she does not want her. And if she could be present in her life in any capacity, she would take Anya’s advice and stop fighting her still burning affections.

Hope will have to have better timing, though.

“Do you want to call your mother?”

“No.”

“You do not want her to know about tonight”

“No”

Lexa nodded. She missed her call with the Chancellor that night anyway. She will have to blatantly lie to her on another night. She cleared her throat, hoping that would lessen the unnerving stillness that had settled between them. She stood up to leave but Clarke reached for her wrist again.

This time, however, Clarke let go quickly.

“I can hear their voices” she confessed in a shaky murmur “ I see their faces. And I wanted to save them. All of them. But I couldn't.”

Lexa sat back down, attentively. She thought she would have had to try and ask Clarke to talk about it before forcing her to get some rest. She should have known that Clarke’s strength lies in both concealing emotions as well as grabbing hold of them and storming through the wreckage.

Lexa did not say anything. She waited for the rest of the words flow knowing fully well that an interruption would only make Clarke hesitate more.

“And the worst part is -- if -- if I had to do it again, I would still make the same choice” Clarke started to sob but managed to reel herself back in. She closed her eyes to composed herself and when she spoke, the resolve and fiery defiance that Lexa had fallen in love with was in full bloom in her voice. “Because you're right. You have to go with the best options to save more lives. You have to actually save more lives…and some lives matter more than others.”

Clarke’s shoulders shook slightly but like her tears, she quickly took control of them too.

“You saved more than you lost” Lexa pronounced.

“But it's the dead that visits you at night”

“Hmm”

There was no way to argue with that one or to spin it into something positive and Lexa knows better than to give Clarke clichés. She knew that when nights get as bad as tonight, the clichés and pearls of someone else’s wisdom all go out the window. They cannot protect you. They cannot silence the voices. They cannot keep you warm or cradle your body until you no longer shudder.

Only a sound abandon to reality will ever enable you to have some semblance of control over the nightmares.

“They...they're frantic. Loud. Haunting. I hear them all the time. They never go away, do they?”

Lexa shook her head.

“They grow less rowdy in time”

“But they’re always there. They’re why you hate the quiet, aren’t they?”

Lexa nodded.

Clarke fought back tears again. She hugged her knees and took slow deep breaths.

Lexa delicately pulled back the covers of her bed and whispered for Clarke to rest. Clarke obliged and allowed herself to be tucked in as she curled up into a fetal position. Lexa watched her drift in and out of sleep, waiting for the first time she will flinch and wake up.

She felt bad standing over Clarke and waiting for what she calls as aftershocks of a nightmare but she knew it would be wore if Clarke woke up alone. She did not have to wait long because Clark gasped and reach towards the empty side of the bed. She sat up in a bolt and looked around the room in panic.

“Ssssshhh” Lexa soothed, gently placing shaking hands on Clarke’s shoulder. “I’m right here”

“I’m sorry”

“Ssshh. Go back to sleep”

Clarke lied back down slowly, her blue eyes never letting go of Lexa’s green one.

“No” she whispered.

Lexa frowned at her.

“No, I don’t want you to leave”

Lexa knew that was the fear talking. She knew tomorrow morning the answer would probably change. But if tonight was the only time Clarke would ever admit that she needs her, then she will have all of Lexa.

She smiled warmly at Clarke and nodded. She walked to the other side of the bed and sat down prudently. Lexa knew there was not just a line but an entire border not to cross. Technically, Clarke did not even invite her to join her on the bed.

Lexa pulled out a pillow and used it as a backrest as she settled in a comfortable sitting position beside Clarke. She gave her an encouraging look to sleep as she reached over the light switch, turning it to dim.

“I’ll watch over you” she promised.

Clarke’s face was painted with another ghost of a smile as she drifted back to sleep again. Lexa kept her eyes on her. Once in a while Clarke would cringe or fuss in her sleep and Lexa had to reach over a put a hand on her head. The touch alone was almost always enough to calm her down. But later that night, just as Lexa’s fatigue was catching up to her, Clarke whimpered and through the shadows, Lexa saw a solitary tear breakout from shut eyes.

Lexa wiped it away again, effectively waking Clarke up with a quiver.

“It’s just me” she pacified her. “It’s just me.”

Clarke’s breathing gradually calmed down but her tired eyes still shone in the dark. Lexa tried to tell her to go back to sleep.

“I saw the last man I killed again.”

“He was trying to kill you” Lexa reminded her patiently. “You were saving yourself.”

“He was only trying to save himself too.”

Lexa smirked in the dark. Of course, Clarke would try to reason for her demons.

Surrender was not in her nature too, after all.

“You matter more” she said when she felt like Clarke was coasting back to sleep.

Clarke grumbled something incoherent but before she could wake herself up enough to correct herself, Lexa grabbed the lone pillow on the bed that was not being used and propped it between them. Clarke stared at it in a dreamy and confused haze.

Lexa moves farther to the edge of her side of the bed, taking the pillow with her and tapping it gently as an invitation for Clarke to put her head on it. She was hesitant at first but was either too tired or sleepy to question Lexa’s offer; or she knew better than to fight a losing battle.

Lexa settled on her side, supporting her weight with an elbow and started stroking Clarke’s temple, along with some stray wads of hair. She started humming a random tune as she too gradually started to relax. She knew that Clarke was out for good when she recognized a steady rhythm of heartbeats that was absent from earlier. Clarke’s clutch on the pillow also loosened and her face was as calm and peaceful as Lexa remembers it on their last night together in Arkadia.

“You matter most” she whispered to her

There was no point to it.

She cannot fight it anymore.

It may not be in her nature. She was never trained nor made to surrender. She is not meant to be dictated by prophecies and legends. She does not submit to foreign rule or to pressure from men who run on ego and dread. She does not concede to whims and human desires. She has never learned how to run away from a fight or throw away a match. She has never even completely allowed herself to cede reason to affections.

Lexa has never yielded to fear before and constantly running from the reality that is Clarke is as cowardly as surrendering before the war has even started.

Surrendering was never in her nature.

Watching over Clarke tonight, she finally realized that Octavia was right. Clarke is not a battle to be won. She never was.

There is no point fighting anymore. There is a much bigger war going on outside these walls. She cannot spend another day fighting her feelings especially when it is rather clear that doing so has not done either of them any good.

Fight over.

Tonight, she is waving her white flag.

**_She is coming home. Even if she has to rebuild every piece of it._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised I would update this weekend and here it is. I supposed I should not say that this was rushed considering that the last update was a month ago. I apologize. Crazy work schedule and an even life situation. I tried to make this as long as I could to compensate for the long wait but I had to cut out some parts because I did not want to rush both of the characters' process. If it's too long, I simply cannot do anything about it anymore because I really pushed to have a chapter up this weekend.
> 
> I think I owe you lot a fair warning as well. I am taking very impromptu trip to Australia for a bit. Some of us really do need to go to a different country (sometimes, halfway around the world) to fully heal and move on. I should be back in time for Thanksgiving but I'm not sure if there will be an update before then or right on that day. I can promise that I will write whenever I could but mostly, this is a personal and necessary trip so please try not to hate me for a really long wait. 
> 
> In the meantime, you are welcome to message me on my Tumblr (hedaofmyheart88.tumblr.com) if you feel like talking because that, I can actually do and would most likely check more often. As always, feel free to leave comments about this chapter and keep them as honest, free and crazy as possible. They really do help me give a better shape and direction to write the remaining chapters. I promise the next ones will be less depressing. Miles and miles less.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	13. Bare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you take away someone’s armor or when they strip it off themselves, you see the stories behind the scars and the pain behind the walls. Sometimes you have to see someone naked so you can see their truth too.
> 
> And when the layers are off, Clarke needs to decide whether she’d keep her eyes open or continue to look away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this provides cheers to your holiday.  
> Disclaimer: I just finished typing this and uploaded without proofreading manually. Excuse my mistakes as I know there will be a lot. I will edit when I get enough sleep.

(Clarke’s POV)

 

 **“** What?!”

Clarke groaned inwardly at the sight of her mother’s outrage in their video call. She had already spent the day trying to forget the fact that she woke up to the Commander’s pristine, large and rather empty bed that morning. While she has yet to see Lexa, her mind had been too preoccupied about wondering how to explain the events which led her to said bedroom, that she made the slip of last night to her mom.

“You slept with her?”

“I slept in her bedroom” Clarke clarified. “In her bed. With her beside me.”

Abby didn’t bother trying to hide her disappointment in her scoff.

“Clarke, there are lines—“

“Calm down, mom” Clarke interrupted her. She bowed her head slightly on the pillow propped between her chest and her computer. She tried erasing that feeling that greeted her that morning when she realized Lexa was not in the room. The taste of desperate fear still feels fresh in her throat when she didn’t know if she was allowed to look or ask for her. “She wasn't even here when I woke up. I'm not sure she's here at all.”

Abby’s eyebrow shot up.

“Where is she?”

“I haven’t seen her all day. And I've seen her...three times since I've arrived.”

“Oh.”

“What? Is that wrong?”

“I just thought you'd be working stuff out.”

Clarke shrugged. It was a weird comment from her mother. And the suggestion that there was anything to work out at all was especially uncanny considering Abby’s clear disapproval of her and Lexa sharing the bed last night. Even if it was only just to sleep.

“Should I be around her more often?” Clarke tested. “Is that my personal torture.”

Abby smiled sadly from the screen.

“I know you’re hurt Clarke but the way you say her name still worries me.”

“I don’t say her name any differently than I say anyone else’s, mom.”

“If you insist. So, do you know where she is?”

Clarke shook her head. It’s not like she can still text Lexa. And even so, it’s not like it would be good for either of them to keep tabs on the other. If that dinner was an indication for anything, it’s that neither of them were ready to spend a considerable time with each other.

Even if in her nightmares, the only thing that had managed to calm her down was the sight of Lexa rushing to her across her guest bedroom.

Clarke tried to erase that image too. Quickly, if she could because she had already resolved to rise beyond her current state and make her mom proud of her strength in this ordeal. Allowing herself to feel safe in the presence of someone who makes her weak in the knees would be counterproductive.

“She's a busy girl. And I have...my own stuff.”

“You can talk to me about your nightmares, Clarke. If not as your mom, then as a doctor”

“You’re not a psychiatrist, mother and I’m fine. Don’t worry”

Abby stared at her screen, studying just how truthful her daughter was being. She of course knows that Clarke is not okay. The way Clarke avoided looking up at the camera to give  glimpse of just how troubled she is or how her voice dances towards the edge of breaking every time one of them would mention the word “nightmare” was telling enough. But Abby can also tell that there was a wave of steadiness to her daughter.

She seemed calm. Rested, even.

She hated the idea that Clarke was in such close spaces with Lexa again. She has no way of knowing how much of it was real and how much was a ploy. And even if all of it were real, it was still a damning fate for a daughter to be involved with the Commander.

But behind the disarray of their current situation and the traces of trauma, Abby knows Clarke had her best sleep in weeks.

She hummed.

Clarke chose to ignore it, focusing instead at the familiar display of inner debate in her mother’s concerned eyes.

“What?” she asked. “You know you want to tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. She couldn’t pinpoint when exactly in their relationship did they become masters at charades but it has dawned on her that that’s how every conversation they have play out.

“You have that look – you know, the one when you can’t decide if you want to tell me something or not? You had that look after dad’s funeral. Like you wanted to tell me more than what you have but then you decided against it.”

Clarke said it in such a flat, unassuming but ringing with glorious certainty tone that she would have made Lexa proud. That tone could have settled or started a war and Clarke would not have lost a breath over it. She shrugged when her mother’s jaw slowly slacked.

Abby had never heard her daughter use that tone. She cleared her throat, knowing that it was a bait. Clarke must have picked up a few things from Polis already. Or it could just be the trauma talking. Or she was so bored that all the thoughts she should have put to rest by now were once again being entertained. Whatever brought about this subtle hit, Abby knew better than to fuel it.

“I've heard rumors” she dropped her voice. She squinted to make sure Clarke was alone.

“Of?”

“Roan in the hospital.”

Clarke blinked at the screen. She knows Roan was in Polis. She knows he’s in prison. And from what she has been told, she knows he was as safe as he could be. He was even given time to recuperate.

“I thought he was fine?” she whispered back to her mother, suddenly very conscious that there were spies listening in on this video call.

“Just a rumor, Clarke. Are you sure Lexa is not there?”

“Do you have any idea how big this place is, mom? I just haven’t ran into her. I haven’t seen Octavia all day and considering she’s shadowing both Lexa and Indra now, I’m assuming they’re not here” Clarke grumbled. “Does your source say anything about why he’s in the hospital?”

“Poison.” Abby whispered darkly.

Clarke could feel the hair at the back of her neck rise.

“By?”

“I don’t know but considering the hospital are under orders to keep him alive no matter the cost, I would look away from Polis for suspects.”

Clarke nodded slowly and absentmindedly. She checked the time on the computer. She has a scheduled visit to the hospital just before dinner. She had arranged for it because she wanted to meet with some families who are already being affected by the early stages of this war. It was a routine visit. The same ones her mother usually makes with a horde of reporters. Anya had allowed this on the condition that she would be inconspicuous in the hospital.

Now, the timing seems ominous.

“You want me to look into it?”

Abby turned stern. More than she already was when Clarke told her about her sleeping situation post-nightmare.

“I want you to stay out of it.”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed at her mother. Abby looked dead set on making sure that Clarke understood how she should not get involved. She also, however, still have that same look of internal debate.

“But you're telling me” Clarke pointed out.

Abby stayed silent.

“Mixed signals, mother” Clarke laughed.

“You’re there to be kept safe. That’s it” Abby finally answered. “I told you because if Roan was poisoned while he was in one of the most secured facilities on this planet, you can never be too careful.”

“Well, Anya tried feeding me peanuts at dinner so maybe she wants to kill me” Clarke tried to joke, surprising herself how she sounded fond of the memory. She chuckled to herself but caught the grim look on her mother’s face on the screen.

“I need you to be careful.”

Clarke knew better than to make a joke out of that. She pushed thoughts of Roan out of her head and navigated the topic to the most awkward dinner she has ever been part of. Abby relaxed as Clarke recounted everything. They hit a somber note when she mentioned that she didn’t get to say goodbye to Raven that morning. Lincoln took her to train elsewhere all that was waiting for Clarke when she finally got back to her room was a hurried note. Hurried but not brief.

Raven will be fine. She was sure of her choice. And she was sure that Clarke would be just fine without her for a while. They managed to survive separately during their falling out years. She also cheekily left a white handkerchief for when Clarke ever decides to concede to the feelings she was burying.

By the time they were through, the Chancellor in Abby had completely given way to her being a mother, in that her concerns were again back to what she can only hope are residual feelings between her daughter and the Commander.

Clarke insisted there was nothing there. She was lying but at that point, she didn’t know she was lying to both her mother and herself. She knows just how much she still cares for Lexa. She knows how safe she still makes her feel. She even allowed herself to accept the fact that she’s been searching for her all day.

But romantic feelings?

They’re both caged in their separate worlds to even think of it.

They’ve already hurt each other enough.

Clarke knows herself too much to pretend that she can handle another onslaught of relationship mishaps and failures. She’s not even entirely convinced she has healed from the last mess she got herself into.

She also knew that last night, there was more than just a pillow between them.

As she walked through the hospital floors with guards flanking her on both sides, she tried to remember her last thoughts before fading into sleep. She was scared and the image of the man she killed kept coming back to her. But Lexa was stroking her head. She was humming to her.

Clarke wondered if Lexa ever fell asleep herself. She was going to ask that morning, going to thank her and ask her not to worry anymore. Maybe even point out that it won’t happen again. The nightmares and the sleeping over.

The visit with the families flew by. None of them were in the mood to talk. They say the war was nothing new and they have endured losses before. Clarke didn’t know what to make of that. It made her sad but it was a quick perspective check. Polis views war differently. Their soldiers will always be heroes and their loss will always be stories of glory.

“I have one more stop” she told her guards. “You can stay here”

“We go where you go, Miss Griffin” one of them replied in a tired voice.

They have been through this before. Clarke always gives them the out. If they follow her orders, then they can blame her when this go wrong. But they never do. And things always go wrong so Clarke has yet to have the same sets of guards since she arrived. She suspects Indra or Anya keeps re-assigning her new and improved ones. That or Lexa has already hanged them all.

Clarke smiled at them and kept walking. She didn’t know where Roan would be kept if it turns out that he was actually there. But she has been to enough hospitals and had been around enough VIP patients to know where they’re usually kept. She knew immediately she was close when her guards stopped marching and called out to her to stop walking.

“You can stay here if you want but I’m checking that elevator out” she called back without pausing. She entered the elevator alone but two guards managed to catch up. They joined her without saying a word and Clarke for a brief second thought that they would just end her right there and then. But they kept silent throughout the ride, their earpieces in busy static.

The elevator only goes down and Clarke was starting to think that this was a wrong turn considering that if Roan was indeed at the end of this ride, there would be more security. The whole country is a bunch of paranoid security freaks, high on secrets and dualistic on privacy. The elevator came to a halt but the doors didn’t open. Clarke pressed the button but the doors stayed shut.

“That was anticlimactic” she murmured. She turned to her guards who avoided her eyes. “You know what’s on the other side of this door, don’t you?”

“No, Miss” one of them replied. “Only that we are not supposed to be here.”

Clarke opened her mouth to reply when she heard clicking and beeping on the other side before a voice asked her to identify herself.

“I’m Clarke Griffin”

“State your business.”

“I’m here to visit Roan, Prince of Azgeda.”

At the sound of his name and title, the guards tightened up, their hands flying to their holstered guns and breathing shifted on contained precision. Clarke didn’t miss the animosity they had for the name nor the fluster in their eyes that their charge was in such close proximity to a perceived enemy.

“There is no patient of that name. Turn back.”

“I’m here on behalf of the Commander” Clarke quickly lied. “I’m the Arkadia’s Chancellor’s daughter. Was there not a standing agreement of joint jurisdiction over the Prince?”

The guard to Clarke’s left inhaled sharply. Clarke told herself that they had no possible way of knowing that she just flat out lied. They do, however, know that she had spent the night with the Commander. One would imagine that there were discussion made there. It was a perfectly plausible conclusion that some sort of deal was made in their night together.

There was a loud singular beep from the other side and the doors opened.

Clarke’s lack of security question was immediately answered as heavily armed Special Forces men greeted her. They led her to another set of doors. She peeked through the glass and saw that Roan was lying on the other side, surrounded by six military doctors.

“You can go in” the soldier who escorted her grunted. He motioned for one of her guards to join her.

Clarke walked in the room and the attention of all the doctors turned to her. She introduced herself and repeated the lie she told on why she was there. The doctors piled out, whispering urgently among themselves. Two Special Forces soldiers entered the room as soon as they cleared out and like sentinels, stood silently by the door. The lone doctor left was the youngest of the bunch, Clarke judged.

He smiled at her with that standard Polis grin. Calm, unemotional and hardly genuine.

“What can I help you with, Miss Griffin?” he asked.

Clarke read the name on his tag.

“Lt. Colonel Haykroft?” she said. “Aren’t you too young to be both a Lt. Colonel and a doctor?”

“We start young here, Miss Griffin”

Clarke inwardly face-palmed. Of course. Lincoln was only about two or three years older than Lexa. Anya, too, and she was already a general.

“I specialize in weaponized poisons” he disclosed. “In fact, I have met both your parents. Accept my condolences for your father’s passing. He was a good man”

Clarke was already gazing at Roan’s body, helplessly lying there – naked and draped with a bare cloth, connected to tubes and machines. The mention of her father broke the web she was already calculating regarding the visible statistics on the machines, the color of Roan’s skins and the packets and bottles of medicine going through the tubes and into his body.

She has seen these kind of combinations before. Or at least they looked familiar.

“Thank you” she replied sincerely, then went closer to Roan’s body. She bent down to the nearest IV sight and confirmed what she had feared. “He looks in pain. Stoic pain. Like he was dozed with Strychnine”

“A variation” Haykroft replied with an impressed smile. “This one acts untimely slower. Painfully slower. I suspect he can last twenty more days to the usual twenty-minute death. We have yet to narrow down just how many modifications were made. Tests are still being run and we are on round-the-clock surveillance but new variables keep factoring in.”

“And an antidote?”

“We cannot combat without knowing the enemy, Miss Griffin.”

Clarke bit the inside of her mouth. Something about this scene looked uncannily similar to the kids she would help treat in the far-flung areas of a less civilized Arkadia. Only they would usually have to hurry on those trips because the poison accidentally ingested by those children act fast. Too fast, sometimes.

“Do you know how this was done? Food? Air?”

Haykroft slipped on a rare look of surprise and suspicion.

“The Commander has not disclosed this information?”

“A method of poisoning to the Chancellor’s daughter? I suppose she would understandably stop at ‘The Prince of Azgeda, who is a suspect to your abduction, was poisoned in a highly guarded prison.’” Clarke snapped pleasantly. In reality, Lexa would more likely let her come to that conclusion than to ever utter those words but the only way this lie will serve its purpose is if Clarke milks the hell out of it.

Haykroft gave an apologetic nod. He pointed at Roan’s neck, to a pinkish trace of a singular insect bite.

“A variation of Strychnine was injected? And he could still last twenty days?” Clarke’s horror was contained in what she could only hope was a whisper. “What kind of—“

She stopped herself. This sight was probably a common. Roan’s state might not even be the worst one in the entire hospital.

“You have been managing his pain?”

“Very carefully. We deemed it best to keep the painkillers at a safe dosage unless he shows signs of un-stabilizing. Like I said, too many unknown factors keep making themselves known.”

Clarke nodded again. Against her better judgment, she placed a careful hand on the side of Roan’s face and bent down to whisper.

“Fight it, Roan” she said, not caring that the Haykroft’s jaw might as well be picked off the floor. She turned to him sternly. “You do all that you can.”

“Of course, Miss Griffin.”

“May I—May I make a simple request?”

Haykroft frowned his distress at the inquiry before stealing glances at the pair of sentinels by the door.

“Clothed him, will you?” Clarke said. “At least allow the man some dignity of his personal space while you poke and prod to save his life.”

If he was surprised, Haykroft masked it small cough and a strangely endeared smile.

“I’ll see what I can do”

Clarke thanked him and headed out of the door. Her guards flanked her once more and they rode the elevator in silence again. She checked her watch and sure enough she has not been gone long enough to cause a panic but enough to at least alert Anya that there was a derivation from her carefully planned schedule.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Clarke found Octavia, in her academy uniform and a smirk.

“You are so dead” she whispered, as she hugged Clarke with relief. “But I’m glad you’re alive.”

Clarke rested her cheek on her friend’s shoulder and realized that it may have been the first time she released all the breaths she has been holding in the entire day. Octavia whispered again, telling her not to say anything more until they get back to the tower. When they got in their car, Octavia pressed a finger to her lips again, warning Clarke not to say anything.

They were greeted by Luna and her unit at the steps of the tower and she too gestured for Clarke to keep quiet. They hurriedly made their way to Clarke’s bedroom where the first thing Clarke noticed were a stack of books and art materials in what was a vacant corner. She scoffed at the title of one book which caught her eye.

“The Art of Self-Defense?” she laughed.

Luna ignored the comment and checked the balcony, leaving Clarke and Octavia to exchange questioning glances.

“Miss Griffin, I was given word that you were visiting a patient who does not exist in the hospital” Luna said when she returned, at ease that they were truly alone.

Clarke met her eyes but didn’t say a word. She was unsure if Luna knew exactly who she was visiting. And even so, she knew better than to trust just anyone with the information she had gathered and the theories she had come up with during their return trip to the tower.

“I was told that you used the Commander’s name to enter a quarantined area?”

“I’m sure you were” Clarke replied, still debating how much to tell Luna.

“I am under orders to keep you alive, Miss Griffin. The last time you deviated from your schedule and allowed routes did not go too well. Did you find what you were looking for?”

Clarke shrugged, subtly swallowing a nervous and guilty gulp.

“I will be sending someone to check on your health.”

“I’m fine.”

Luna’s air of frustration colored the room.

“Quarantined areas are quarantined for a reason. Now, on the business of confidentiality. I understand you are hesitant to tell me what it is you were looking for and whether or not you found it. Given that my orders are very specific, I cannot inquire further on what was in that room. Just that you were there. I must caution you not to speak of you last half hour in the hospital. Not to me, to your friend, to anyone but the Commander” Luna spoke rapidly and clearly, like the good soldier that she is but even so, Clarke caught the same bitter taste on her lips at the mere mention of Lexa. “Will you be staying here tonight?”

“Where else would I stay?”

Luna shifted her weight, unsure of how to respond and point out the fact that she knows Clarke spent the night with Lexa. She cleared her throat and nodded at Octavia.

“I’m going to be staying with you” Octavia supplied.

“Don’t you have class tomorrow?”

“Just for the night, Princess”

Clarke gave her a grateful smile.

“One last thing” Luna said, as she stopped just by the door. “Those were sent for you. The Commander thought it might occupy your time indoors.”

“She trying to box me in here?” Clarke joked.

Luna didn’t have an answer so she didn’t attempt one. She quietly bid her a good night and shut the door behind her.

Clarke turned to Octavia and before she could even say anything, Octavia was already firing one question from another.

“Roan is in the hospital, poisoned with what they suspect is a strain or variation of Strychnine. They don’t have an antidote and no one knows he’s there” Clarke spat out as soon as Octavia was done. “I think his current state is familiar. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it before but I can’t remember when and I think if we research on it, I can figure it out. I think I can help find a cure before word even gets out that the Prince of Azgeda is quite literally dying in a hospital in Polis, all while the Commander of Blood has him listed as a patient who does not exist.”

Octavia slumped on the nearest Ottoman. Clarke sat next to her and they both just stared out at the open balcony doors. Clarke’s mind was still on the theories she had compiled while Octavia was processing what she had been told and how it basically broke what Luna had just asked her. She was also starting to worry that Indra would ask her about it in her report and she might have to lie about it. Unless, Indra already knows.

Of course Indra already knows. That’s why she sent her to find Clarke in the hospital.

“It’s not them” Octavia finally broke the silence. “Indra sent me to look for you as soon as we heard that you were running behind schedule.”

“I know it’s not them. It’s too crude and unsuccessful to be them. It’s also too cruel. Even by Polis standards” Clarke agreed. “My mom doesn’t know. Well, she does but as of this afternoon, it was only a rumor.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

“I don’t know yet” Clarke admitted.

She was telling herself that the reason she even went looking for Roan in the hospital was so she could supply that information to her mother. But seeing how many questions surround the whole situation made her worry that confirming the rumor would put her mom in further danger.

And then there was the issue that if Lexa finds out, it will strain already strained relations between them.

“I think I just want to help find an antidote for him. You don’t suppose Lexa sent me chemistry books on poisonous substances, do you?”

Octavia chukled darkly.

“Want to add Biochemist to your growing resume as well as political advisor, now?”

“I just want to help, O.”

“You know you shouldn’t have been poking your nose in the classified areas of military hospitals, right?”

Clarke exhaled, her frustration evident. Octavia studied her and recognized that there would be no sleeping peacefully tonight until Clarke answers the questions plaguing her brain. It was always like that even when they were younger. Clarke would find herself in a situation where she can’t help but fix things. It was easier when it was just finding homes for stray dogs or starting a fund for children who would be spending Christmas in the streets.

International politics and intrigue are a little out of both their comfort zones. And as smart as Clarke is, chemistry was never her strongest suit in High School.

“What do you need?” Octavia gave in as soon as Clarke started rummaging through the books delivered to her room.

“I want to read up on poisons. In like…the last century?”

“Of course you do” Octavia rolled her eyes. “You stay here. I’ll see what I can get from the Academy. Best thing about being an actual student and Indra’s apprentice is that you have access to almost every section in their library.”

Clarke thanked her friend with a wordless smile. She turned her attention to the art materials when Octavia left the room. They were a lot. From sketchpads to about half a dozen empty canvasses of different sizes. From oil to acrylic paint to charcoal pencils and different kinds of pastels and ink. Lexa even went overboard with brush sizes and mixing trays. There was no note or instructions on how she should use this gift.

There wasn’t even anything that suggested it was a gift.

They were just there. Silent, unassuming and ready to take Clarke’s mind away from her new reality.

Not unlike the person who sent them.

Clarke stared at the blank canvass nearest to her. Painting used to come so naturally to her. She never even had to imagine the things she created. They just present themselves. Part of her fears that maybe she was never really creative; that the images only came because she had memories of a past life. But part of her also knows that the canvass is empty for a reason.

When something is bare as an empty canvass, it can be anything you want it to be. It, in itself, is an endless possibility. It can be a prison or an escape. It can be the revelation of a truth or a creation of a new one. It can be a depiction of the past or a revision of the future.

It can absolutely be anything and the best thing about is it is the one thing Clarke can control.

She picked up an oil pastel crayon and started sketching on the canvass. She didn’t even realize what color it was until she stepped away from it two hours later when Octavia returned in the room.

“Okay” Octavia whistled, setting down about a dozen hardbound books on the table. She walked over to the canvass and whistled again, patting her best friend on the shoulder. “You might want to keep that from her.”

Clarke nodded, rubbing her tired eyes. She stared at a black and white drawing of Lexa’s outline, sitting on top of a rock by the Angry Rivers. There was no time to draw her face or anything more detailed but anyone who had seen Lexa, would know that it was her. No one else had such grace even as an outline. Clarke’s eyes travelled to the sky she created and how vicious it now looks, compared to the still river she had portrayed.

A contrast.

“I was never one for art, Clarke, but I’m pretty sure this is exactly how you feel for her” Octavia noted. “You’re angry at what had happened between the two of you but you really can’t deny just how safe and settled she makes you feel, huh?”

“You got all that from this?” Clarke tried to deflect.

“Sure” Octavia replied like it was the easiest thing to see. “Also, you may not have the heart to draw her face just yet, but you still draw her like she was the center of your world.”

Clarke glanced back at her friend to see if she was joking or teasing. Octavia rolled her eyes at her as though saying she was being pathetic at trying to be unfazed by what her drawing just revealed. Clarke didn’t have an excuse and Octavia didn’t need further explanations.

Apparently, a bare canvass can also be a declaration of what you can’t let go.

Octavia never asked or said anything else about the single piece of art in Clarke’s room. They both would just steal glances at it while they poured over books and wrote down notes all night. It was almost two in the morning when Clarke finally begged Octavia to get at least a couple of hours of sleep before she had to go back to the Academy. It was only when Octavia woke up just before sunrise and started getting ready for her classes that Clarke practically crawled to bed. There would be no nightmares this time. She was too tired.

Instead, she dreamt of Lexa, the Angry Rivers and the silence they both shared back there. Unlike what happened in that memory, she wanted to break the quiet. She wanted to say something. She was back there, where she had decided that this was a path worth taking. That Lexa was a choice she was willingly making. She wanted to speak out in her dream. To say that she knows where this road will lead and just how badly both of them will hurt.

But she couldn’t speak. And Lexa looked so at peace with her that it would be the height of cruelty to break their moment.

Clarke woke up to the sound of knocking on her door. It was her new set of guards for the day, letting her know of the change of shift and asking her if she was going anywhere for brunch or if she was staying in. Considering that she and Octavia only managed about two or three books of research, she decided to stay in. She had just started fact-checking and cross-referencing some data she found in old books with new discoveries on the internet when Lincoln showed up in her room later that afternoon.

“Is something wrong?” she asked him, worried that it might be news concerning Raven.

Lincoln didn’t hear her. His eyes were set on the canvass being displayed to anyone who would walk in the room. Clarke slowly closed her laptop and tried coming up with an explanation that would not sound like a teenager hiding a crush. Lincoln, however, did not ask about it. He said he was there merely for security purposes. He checked the balcony, closets and bathroom then headed out but not before asking about Octavia.

“I’m not sure I’ll be seeing her today” Clarke replied, with a curious smile. “I’ll tell her you looked for her.”

“No need” Lincoln practically begged.

It was cute, the way he feigned disinterest. It reminded Clarke of Lexa.

Clarke spent the next two days in the exact same routine, with either Lincoln or Luna showing up every afternoon to check on her. By the third morning, Octavia was the one who brought her breakfast and had joined her in both discussing what they found in research as well as visiting the hospital again. Instead of armed guards going down with her to Roan’s room, Octavia accompanied her and they both listened to the doctors express their dismay that Roan had a bad reaction to the antidote they had come up with. Apparently, he coded thrice before they could bring him back and stabilize him.

They were running out of time and of options. When they left, Clarke told Haykroft about her research and he gladly went through her notes. He didn’t ask how she came to her conclusions. He didn’t even wonder how someone like the Chancellor’s daughter would be familiar with sights common only to wars. But Clarke insisted that she has helped treating children with the same symptoms before. He promised her, he will study more about her theories but asked her to be prepared that Roan may have a shorter time than what they had anticipated.

Clarke’s mind was buzzing on their way back to the tower while Octavia kept fidgeting. She said it was because she didn’t trust those doctors and that Arkadia might have been a better option for a patient in such a situation. This comment only reminded Clarke of the decision she made not to tell her mother. She was explaining to Octavia the reason for this choice when they passed by one of the large conference rooms, near the Indra’s offices.

The door wasn’t sealed shut and the sound of Clarke’s name made them both stop in their tracks. Clarke could make out Indra’s voice yelling with Lincoln trying to calm her down. Octavia stared down the guards shadowing Clarke and they stepped back, giving the two girls ample space to eavesdrop.

“Why is she being allowed to conduct visits in our hospital?!” roared one voice.

Now, Clarke has heard Indra fume. She has heard her unkind, accusatory and even condescending. She has heard her arguing against her Commander. But hearing her defend Lexa was a symphony.

“The Commander has made it clear, Clarke Griffin is not a prisoner her and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can call off this ridiculous crusade against the daughter of one of our biggest allies!”

“Biggest ally or biggest liability?”

Clarke pressed her ear closer to the door while Octavia dropped to her stomach, in an attempt to peek at a crack. She whispered a general’s name but Clarke was too busy listening to Indra’s reply.

“Ally” was all she said.

“I wish to speak to the Commander”

“She is indisposed” Lincoln replied. “You will see her at your scheduled council meeting.”

“She has been away from Polis more frequently lately. Does it have anything to do with that girl?” the general asked with such distaste that Clarke practically had to kick Octavia to stop her from making a comment.

“It’s for the Blood Tournament” Indra replied acidly. “Surely you would want your Commander to come out victorious?”

“I would want my Commander to prove herself worthy of her blood and her post.”

“Saving your life was not proof enough?”

“We are at war, General. Loyalty demands constant proof.”

Octavia watched as Indra stepped up to man twice her size and all but spat in his face.

“You dare not question the Commander’s loyalty in my presence or anywhere in these walls while I live and breathe or I swear, by her hand and oath, I will slit your throat and offer it to the pigs”

Clarke’s goose bumps at what she was sure was no empty threat, once again revelled at the symphony of Indra’s faith in Lexa. They may butt heads all the time and Indra would even dare question Lexa’s choices but there was no doubt just where she would stand in the face of a mutiny.

This moment spoke so much about the kind of person Indra is. And it sang to what kind of leader Lexa has become for the mentor who raised her.

Octavia scrambled to her feet when she saw Indra about to make a dramatic exit but froze when the general posed a question that neither of them were prepared to be witness to.

“What if they kill her like they killed the last girl she loved?”

Octavia turned to Clarke who suddenly was white in the face and cold in the veins.

_The last girl she loved._

“That is not your concern” Indra replied, in judicious cadence. “And the Commander’s personal affairs are none of your business.”

“I was there, Indra. She was not Commander then but I was there when she came home carrying the body of a lifeless girl. She broke that day. Is she to break again when this one falls to her own naïveté or to the misfortunes of war?”

Indra faced the General once more.

“Costia’s death did not break Lexa” she emphasized each word to their fullest, as though savouring the victory at their tip. “It made her ready to be Commander.”

The general exhaled sharply. Even he could not deny that. He had seen the changes since that day.

“I am not blind about what goes on in this tower, Indra” he noted. “This is worse than the last time. Clarke Griffin is worse than the last time.”

“No. This is not worse. This is stronger. You best stay out of it.”

Octavia gathered herself quickly and pulled Clarke away for a run before Indra could catch them eavesdropping. She told the guards to take the next elevator up or take the stairs, either way, they demand their space.

“Breathe” Octavia said, noting that Clarke’s face had not regained color just yet.

“I’m fine”

“Liar”

Clarke took a few slow and deep breaths.

“She told me about her. Or mentioned her” she finally said. “Is Lexa back?”

“How would I know?”

Clarke glared at her sternly and Octavia pressed the floor number that leads to Lexa’s suite.

“You should know I don’t have clearance to go in there with you” she muttered as they neared the stop. She glanced at her still pale-faced friend who seemed to have lost her speech faculties as well. “And you might not like what you find.”

“What does that mean?” Clarke croaked, as they passed her own floor. She has three floors to get her thoughts together and Octavia just threw her another loop.

“She’s been away. Training.”

“I heard.”

“You know what she said at dinner?” Octavia asked, holding the door open to Lexa’s floor. The guard stationed by the elevator eyed them reprimanding, but did not say anything when he recognized Clarke. “She wasn’t kidding. She has taken hits worse than the one Luna gave her.”

Clarke still did not know what that meant or what to expect until she opened the doors to Lexa’s suite and found three nurses gathered around the chaise lounge near Lexa’s bed. She cleared her throat and one of them glared at her.

“You’re not allowed here” she said with pronounced repulsion.

Clarke glared back at her but didn’t say anything. Lexa had her back on her.

Her rather naked back.

Clarke ignored the intricately painted tattoos on her back as her eyes focused on what looked like lash marks or scars. She moved closer and realized they were fresh wounds from a whip. Not too deep which means they will heal fast but they most probably sting more than deeper cuts. The nurse who had called her out blocked her way.

“The Commander is not seeing anyone” she warned.

Lexa didn’t seem fazed by the presence of an unexpected guest. It might not be the first time that someone walked into her room while her battle souvenirs were being treated. She didn’t so much grunt to acknowledge her visitor. To Clarke’s mind, this must be why her nurses have such an entitlement to the authority to kick her out.

The alternative reasons as to why they feel rightful to Lexa’s private company was starting to make Clarke nauseaus.

“She’ll see me” she replied, surprising herself at how sure her voice sounded.

Lexa’s head snapped over her shoulder.

Clarke tried to smile at her but immediately lost control over her face muscles when she realized that Lexa’s eyes were colored with shades of embarrassment and fear which she has never displayed in her presence before. They both froze for a few seconds and for the first time since they had met, Clarke managed to regain her equanimity before Lexa could. She gave a shy and apologetic smile at the Commander whose eyes are still panicking.

Clarke then knew. She was not supposed to see Lexa like this.

Vulnerable. Scarred. Wounded.

Bare.

She wanted to look away and give Lexa that privacy that she had intruded on. She even wanted to run out of that room and pretend this did not just happen but amidst the evident fluster displayed all over Lexa’s face, the Commander still held her eyes the way she always had.

Steady and sure.

Like she was welcome. Always welcome.

Even after all that has happened to them, between them and because of them, Lexa still welcomed Clarke to a part of her that no one else go to see.

Clarke needed to remind herself that only days have passed since their last meeting. Time had been both fast and slow. Wounds, physical and figurative, have both healed and re-opened. And while she hadn’t thought of Lexa as much in the last three days, she no longer possess the energy and will to deny the fact that she had been thinking of her.

The pain over what had transpired in Arkadia still stirs in her. But try as she might, Clarke is losing her hold on the anger that she had harboured. While completely aware that the idea of romance between them has been dead and buried, she found herself leaning towards a feeling she was not at all accustomed to in any of her relationships.

Jealousy.

It was new. But she immediately put a name to it. She immediately recognized it.

Clarke is an only child. She never had to compete for her parents’ attention or affections. Octavia’s loyalty never wavered and Raven, even in the years they had not spoken, had always kept her confidences. Growing up, they always deferred to her. And Finn adored her all throughout their relationship.

Clarke Griffin had never been jealous of anyone or anything in her life, save for the fact that her friends didn’t have to travel with a security team.

Right now, staring at one of the most powerful people on the planet - whom she had sworn she no longer had ill-fated feelings for – being treated by fairly attractive ladies, Clarke found herself growing more envious than she ever thought a human could possibly feel.

Lexa kept eye contact and by sheer misfortune for Clarke, somehow read her mind. She cleared her throat, mirroring the shy and apologetic smile Clarke had given her.

Clarke could feel the color in her cheek retuning and in rapid fashion. This was ridiculous. She had started the day studying all about poison and now it felt like this unwanted surge of emotion was poisoning what little self-respect she had left. And yet, all she wants to do right now is send all these girls out of the room so she could attend to Lexa’s wounds herself.

“Hello, Clarke” Lexa managed to choke.

Her nurses stared at their Commander and slowly back at Clarke. The nurse blocking Clarke’s way must have recognized the name and upon registering what the name meant, she stepped aside.

“Hi” Clarke croaked back. “May I have a word, Commander?”

Lexa gave a slight frown. Now that she has recovered her legendary composure, it seems she has recouped her gift of understanding Clarke’s every move as well.

“Leave us” she ordered the nurses

“Your cut, Commander—“ one of them protested.

“I can finish that up.”

Everyone’s eyes in the room darted back to Clarke, as soon as the words left her mouth. She knew that she was nowhere near being subtle at her suggestion but made no apologies about it. To the room or to herself.

“But—“

“She’s training to be a doctor. You can go.”

Lexa dismissed her nurses so unceremoniously that Clarke almost felt sorry for them. That was until they all gave her venomous looks as they exited.

Lexa missed it as she turned away from Clarke.

It was a gesture Clarke welcomed. She was sure she was still blushing and the fact that they were yet again alone in Lexa’s room with Lexa wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants were not doing her any favors. Clarke moved closer to where she was sat, front pressed on the backrest of the lounge and picked up the nearest tube of disinfectant paste.

This is not at all her first time to treat a grown woman but when she applied the medicine on Lexa’s wound, it was her who winced and not the injured Commander. Clarke took regular deep breaths and when she moved to treat the longer gash just by Lexa shoulder, Lexa slowly reached over and gently grasped her hand.

Lexa whispered that Clarke was shaking. It wasn’t a question or pointing out a fact. It took Clarke a couple of heartbeats that it was an apology. Lexa knows that this moment was not easy for Clarke, even if she undertook it voluntarily. This was not an ideal situation for either of them even if Clarke practically stole this role from the nurses who were completely unfazed by the amount of cuts on the Commander’s back.

Lexa’ thumb nervously rubbed Clarke’s wrist, right at the spot where her pulse started to settle down. She gently let go when Clarke was back at normal rate and allowed herself to wounds to be dressed without another word.

Clarke appreciated the silence between them. It reminded her of that time in the Angry Rivers even if now, they don’t have the cover of darkness or the cover of clothes or armor. There was nothing separating them now except the fabric of Clarke’s clothes and as much as they have pressed their bodies much closer before that no gap existed between them then, Clarke felt this exact moment to be more intimate.

More sacred.

She thought back to her drawings and readings. This might not be the first time she had to attend to the Commander after a fight. She knew that in one of their past lives, this was a role she didn’t have to steal from snobbish nurses.

Clarke sighed sadly, to herself, at the thought that she had spent her days in Polis trying to find ways to help out in a war that she was blaming on herself just as she had tried to find her part and voice in Arkadia. She had spent most of her adult life finding her niche. Nothing she ever did, save the charity work and occasional brainstorming sessions with her mother, made her feel at home. She was always acting out somebody else’s role.

Except now.

This feels right. This feels like this should be what she was doing. She’s not one to stop wars or fight in it. Clarke almost scoffed at the cheesiness of realizing that maybe she’s one to heal the consequences of war.

“I wanted to thank you” Clarke declared softly as she started opening adhesive gauzes to cover some cuts.

Lexa adjusted herself on the lounge. She has not looked over at Clarke the entire time she was being attended too. She tilted her head slowly but still did not meet Clarke’s eyes.

“For?”

“That night.”

Lexa hummed quietly in response.

“Thank you” Clarke said sincerely.

“You are welcome.”

“And for the books and art supplies.”

Clarke plastered the cut on Lexa’s shoulder and capitalized on what she interpreted as a courage-based momentum.

“I know I have been difficult for you—“ she started but stopped with Lexa scoffed a little.

“Yes.”

Clare waited for Lexa to turn to her and for a possible argument to ensure but Lexa didn’t. So Clarke just blinked at her, a little annoyed at how quickly she acknowledged the inconvenience of her presence. She didn’t expect an assurance that she was allowed to be as trying as she had been in her stay in Polis but a part of her, selfishly thought that it was not a nagging bother to Lexa who surely must have bigger problems to worry about than a girl who still looks for her place in the world.

“But thank you for still accommodating me” Clarke finished the rest of her statement.

Lexa nodded slightly.

“You say that as though I have a choice.”

“Don’t you?” Clarke frowned at her. “You did invite me here, did you not?”

“Here to Polis, yes.”

“But not where?”

Lexa fell silent once more and Clarke immediately knew that she was not ready to hear the answer she already knows.

“How did you get this?” Clarke whispered, effectively changing topics. Her hand was shaking again so she took her time opening the last pack of gauzes and again in applying it on the last cut on Lexa’s back. “Were you attacked?”

“I was training.”

“And your sparring partner hit you this badly? From behind?”

“No.”

There was no attempt of merely stirring the conversation away from where it was. Clarke was actually baffled and slightly outraged at how a training session could leave this much damage. And the fact that Lexa was hurt at all seemed like a perfectly good argument against whatever this training was for.

“Commander, this is—“ she tried to reason.

“Not a big deal” Lexa cut her off.

“Is this for that tournament?”

“Yes.”

Clarke sighed resignedly. She gave a soft pat on Lexa’s uninjured shoulder, telling her that she was done. She had to stop her hands from lingering on the uncovered parts of her skin because the tingling on the tips of her fingertips would say something that she was not ready to convey.

She started cleaning up but Lexa had not moved from her spot.

“Your silence speaks”

Clarke threw her a glance before going back to putting away the unused bandages.

“If this was training, how bad will it get for real?”

“Depends” Lexa replied and Clarke could hear the smile she was trying to hide.

“On what?”

“How well I fight.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and turned to face her with an argument to counter the absurdity of this tournament and the preparation it entails. Only looking at Lexa’s direction was a bad idea and a load of bad timing because she had gotten up from the lounge so quietly that as soon as Clarke turned all she saw was Lexa, facing her, topless.

Lexa was almost shy again.

Clarke was just red and try as she might, she couldn’t look away.

“Did you need something, Clarke?” Lexa asked, not moving.

Clarke willed her eyes away from Lexa’s body and up to meet her eyes. She fumed inwardly when she realized part of Lexa was amused and enjoying Clarke’s reaction.

“Huh?” Clarke choked, shaking her head and reaching for the robe on the floor. She tossed it at Lexa then finally managed to turn away, her face burning. “Me? What?”

Lexa chuckled darkly as she put the robe on. She sat back down on the lounge and stared at Clarke with concern.

“I can hardly guess you would voluntarily want to be in the same room as me” Lexa said gently, a tinge of controlled amusement dancing in her eyes. “Much less barge in here and dress my wounds”

Right.

The reality of why she was there hit Clarke like a ton of bricks. She nervously took a deep breath and sat at the edge of the lounge, leaving considerable space between the two of them. When she faced Lexa, she was already surveying her.

“I went to see Roan” Clarke confessed straight up.

“I know”

Clarke raised an eyebrow in surprise to which Lexa merely allowed a slight smirk.

“You didn’t stop me.”

“Would I have been able to?”

“Yes.”

Lexa’s amusement became more evident at how quickly and resolutely Clarke responded. Clarke grew annoyed at how much doubt to her attestation was projected from Lexa’s usually measured reactions.

“Is that right?” Lexa contemplated.

Clarke nodded firmly. She knew she had no right to use Lexa’s name to see Roan. She was not even supposed to look for Roan, much less drown herself in research for his antidote. She was not supposed to know about his condition in the first place. But the blame is on her. Roan would not even be a prisoner if she had not reached out to him.

Even so, after all that has happened and after what she heard from Indra’s argument with one of Lexa’s generals, Clarke knows she has to stop overstepping.

“If you asked me not to go, I would not have gone” she reiterated.

Lexa’s frown and the instant playback of her words made Clarke’s train of thought stop. She immediately recognized that while the context of her statement was purely about Roan, her tone had strayed dangerously close to personal disputes.

“As opposed to me leaving you?” Lexa tested icily.

“That is not where I was going at” Clarke insisted.

For the most part, that was true. She was not there to hash out erstwhile troubles.

“If you say so.”

Lexa stood up and for a second, Clarke thought she would walk out of this conversation. Instead, Lexa just leaned on the wall across from where she was sitting. She crossed her arms on her front and slightly shrugged when Clarke looked up at her expectantly, waiting for a longer reply that “if you say so.”

“You make me so angry sometimes, you know that?” Clarke said, her jaw clenched.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded”

It was a grumble loud enough to be carried across the room. If Lexa heard it, which Clarke intended for her to, it was not enough for her to give a response sufficient enough to cease Clarke’s silent brew of fumes.

“I only meant—I only meant I’m gonna try and be less difficult for you” Clarke stood up, only to stay exactly where she was.

They stood at parallel ends of the room, both with their arms crossed in front of them and both unsure where this conversation was actually heading. Clarke edited her thoughts, as she was close to justblurting out that she preferred it when she was scared out of her mind because at least then Lexa didn’t assume this annoyingly attractive stance.

“I understand that we’re in a less than ideal situation and my nightmares have caused a stir as well as my inability to stay put” Clarke continued. “So I’m just saying, I’m gonna try and be less difficult for you—For this co-existence thing to work out.”

“Co-existence thing.”

“Octavia mentioned you may have put actively putting a distance between us. I know you’re not—You have commitments all over the world. I just want you to know that if you had forbidden me—which I guess you generally have but that’s before tonight. Well, if you would deem it best that I stay away, then I’ll stay away.”

Lexa relaxed but did not move from leaning on the wall. Clarke could tell that she was taking her time analysing what was being presented in front of her.

“I sense there is a catch to this newfound submission.”

“Well. Yes”

Lexa waited for the rest of it while Clarke accepted that she was out of editing options.

“But I would want to see Roan again.”

Lexa closed her eyes and sighed.

“Might you wait until he regains consciousness?” she posed.

“We don’t have assurance that he will. I think I can help find a cure for him. I have done the research already.”

“Did you suddenly become a biochemist and I missed this accomplishment?” Lexa asked, a clear tease in her tone.

It was cute, Clarke noted but at the same time, she knows there was a bit of insult in there.

“The…effects are familiar to me. I think I can help out in narrowing down the possibilities of what the alterations are. I gave my research to the doctors.”

This particular information was new to Lexa. She stood in attention and immediately walked to Clarke, her eyes stern in reprimand. Clarke could feel her warm breath touch her face, effectively altering heart rate once more.

“That is too dangerous.”

Clarke could tell that she had upset Lexa in more ways than just disappointment due to disobedience. She muttered her apologies and bid a hurried goodbye. Lexa grabbed her by the wrist. Whether it was because her pulse rate was fast approaching heart attack territory or because she was shaking herself, Clarke swore that Lexa’s grip faltered as it quivered.

“I do not want you to go” Lexa whispered in earnest surrender.

Clarke’s knees literally buckled at the weight of urgency and concern in Lexa’s plea. Lexa caught her by the elbows and for a couple of heartbeats, held her securely until she had the good sense to get herself together. She murmured another apology before standing up straight.

“Back to the hospital” Lexa clarified when the stillness between them started to invite awkwardness. “I do not want you to go back to the hospital.”

Clarke gulped discreetly then forced herself to smile rather confidently, as if to prove that she was serious earlier.

“Understood, Commander.”

Clarke made it all the way to the elevator until she remembered something she should probably ask Lexa. It was silly and ridiculous but the glimmer of temporary vulnerability in Lexa’s eyes when she forbade her to go back to the hospital haunted her every step. She went back inside Lexa’s room, finding the Commander once again topless.

Lexa asked whether she should start locking her doors again. Clarke didn’t have a reply, she just reached for the robe on the floor and tossed it at Lexa for the second time that night.

“Do I have permission to go with Octavia to the lake this weekend?” Clarke asked when Lexa came back from changing into a new pair of sweats and an ARMY hoodie.

“You are not a prisoner here”

“I’m not free either”

Lexa settled behind her desk. In Clarke’s eyes, she always somehow has more authority when she is seated, relaxed and unguarded.

“It’s war. No one is”

Clarke wanted to say that the only person in this prelude to a war, who has less freedom than she does is lying unconscious in a hospital bed. But she has seen and heard too much in Polis to know that it is an unfair judgment. Lexa clearly has her restrictions. Even if it’s Indra who fights those front.

“Good luck on your tournament”

“I won’t need it”

Clarke scowled.

“I didn’t think you would.”

Lexa looked away, biting her lip. Apparently both of them have a poor grip on verbal and emotional filters tonight.

“Some people just say thank you. It’s the diplomatic response. Not to mention, you know, manners” Clarke remarked in the reticence.

She must have not kept the invitation to a playful banter from her tone because Lexa’s eyes quickly flickered at her and suddenly they were exchanging looks for amusement at how the one has managed to coax the other out of a rabbit hole of soberness.

“That was a joke.”

Clarke chuckled.

“Nothing gets by you” she continued to tease, her heart rate crashing against her chest while her brain in rapid fire debate if this light exchange of fondness was even allowed.

Lexa didn’t seem to share the same dilemma. She managed a quick thank you and stayed silent in case Clarke had more to say.

“Have a good day, Commander”

Clarke could feel her knees about to collapse by the time she made it to the door and Lexa called for her again.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

Lexa’s lips trembled from the distance and Clarke immediately knew that she had more to say than what she would allow herself to actually utter.

“Stay safe”

Clarke smiled and nodded at her. Her voice broke when she attempted to say it back. Lexa laughed fully at how it sounded that Clarke just shook her head in shame, laughing at herself as she exited the room. She was still grinning in full when the elevator doors opened and she was greeted with Indra and a uniformed older man she has never met before.

“Clarke.”

“Indra. Hi.”

“This is General Titus. He used to serve in the late Commander’s council. As well as Lexa’s father. He is now one of Lexa’s advisers. Titus, Chancellor Griffin’s daughter, Clarke.”

Clarke put on her tried-and-tested gracious smile for any public appearance or new untrusted acquaintance and extended a hand.

“It’s a pleasure, General” she said warmly.

Titus studied her smile and Clarke could tell that he could see right through it. She was being polite, not sincere. And he did not trust it one bit. He sized her up quickly although Clarke could not figure out why. She knew by the twitch in his mouth that he already tried and judged her even before the introductions were made.

Clarke slowly dropped her hand to her side but not her eye contact.

“What led you to this part of the tower, Miss Griffin?” Titus inquired.

Clarke saw Indra fidget at the side. She whispered a warning to the older general but Clarke could not make out what it was. It fell on deaf ears either way as Titus waited for a reply.

“Visiting. You, sir?”

“Fixing your mess”

“Titus. Don’t.” Indra warned loudly.

Clarke still wore her smile and still stared Titus down as she asked what mess would he be referring to.

“Your presence here is endangering the Commander.”

Clake felt her response leave the tip of her tongue but she caught sight of Indra shaking her head. She also realized that the door to Lexa’s room had opened and Lexa was standing right there. She was waiting if Clarke had an answer to what was nothing less than an accusation.

Clarke met her eyes and there was no warning or any sort of plea forbidding her to dispute what Titus had just sprouted.

“Well” Clarke sighed, knowing from the lack of urgency in Lexa’s eyes that this was not a fight worth having tonight. “I’m sure the Commander would be the first to tell me where my presence is not welcomed.”

Clarke stepped inside the elevator and smiled politely again. She saw Indra glare at Titus just as the elevator doors closed. When she got to her own floor, Octavia was waiting for her by the elevator doors, rambling about how Indra was on her way up to see Lexa with a man who flat out questioned her loyalties. Clarke laughed a hollowed chuckle before recounting what had happened upstairs.

Octavia called in food for dinner and the two of them spent the night reading new material on poisonous substances as well as occasionally debating on whether they should discuss what they both overheard and what Titus said about Clarke.

As far as Clarke was concerned, there was nothing they could do. She already gave her word to Lexa that she would stay in her lane. And she was more concerned for Roan right now anyway. He is still dying in a hospital bed and her mother, who may actually have access to a possible antidote, still doesn’t have a confirmation about the situation.

Clarke had just finished repeating her reasons why she wants to be on the same page with Lexa and how all she wants right now is to get over their personal differences, survive this war and maybe have some normalcy back to their lives. Octavia has started dozing off which means she’s in loose lips neighbourhood and teased that she just wants to get in Lexa’s pants.

They shared a laugh as Clarke adjusted her heart rate because the image of Lexa topless and smirking at her just flashed before her eyes again. It’s a hauntingly captivating sight and she wished nothing more than having the right to hold onto that sight without feeling guilty or intrusive. When Octavia didn’t reply, Clarke went over and covered her best friend with a blanket. She has to find a way to thank her for making her own adjustments with her schedule in the academy if only to spend nights over and make sure the nightmares are kept at bay.

Clarke had just tucked the blanket tight around Octavia when she heard the knock on her door. It was past midnight and if it was Lexa, Clarke immediately feared that it was about Raven. Either that or it was a personal visit and as dreadful as it sounds, that might actually be worse.

Instead, behind the door was a third and probably worst case scenario.

“General Titus” Clarke said in surprise. “Is everything okay?”

“No. May I come in?”

Clarke would attribute it to lack of sleep coupled with physical exhaustion when she rethinks on this particular exchange in the morning. And when Lexa asks, Clarke would have by then come up with a suitable apology for being rude to a high-ranking advisor to the Commander of Blood. But for that night, Clarke permitted herself to forget manners and tact, if it would serve as a reminder to the General that respect goes both ways.

“No” she said unyieldingly, stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind her. The new set of Special Forces soldiers eyed the two of them cautiously but did not give up their positions. “Say your cause, Sir.”

Titus glared at the soldiers, commanding them to allow some sort of privacy for this conversation but they remained unflinched.

“They only take orders from the Commander” Clarke prodded.

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Titus spat.

Clarke had to bite her inner cheek to stop herself from smiling satirically at his obvious irritation. She cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow as though she was growing impatient. Titus met her eyes and realized what game she was playing. Clarke knew she was made right away but it didn’t bother her. She was tired and she had just made the resolution to play by Lexa’s rules. She made no promises to answer to anyone else in the duration of her stay.

Especially not one who showed nothing but contempt for her presence.

“I hope you would not think I have any animosity towards you, Miss Griffin” Titus started, dropping his voice to an acquired sense of humility.

“Of course not, General” Clarke played along.

“You do not sound convinced, child.”

Clarke scoffed.

“Sir, I may not have spent years in the battlefield or waging political wars or engaging rehearsed conversations among world leaders but I can recognize the beauty of something fake when I see it” she said. “I went to High School, General and trust me, you learn who was putting up an act and who wasn’t.”

“You insult me, child?”

“Call me ‘child’ again, sir and you’d have insulted me twice in the last minute”

Titus narrowed his eyes at her.

“I can see why the Commander is enamoured” he noted. “And I can see why the council is restless over you. Very well. I came to offer my apologies for how I behaved earlier. Such conduct was not proper to meet and receive the daughter of someone as esteemed as your mother. I regret it immensely”

“The high esteem is for my mother” Clarke nodded. “You will treat me as you see fit but I appreciate the apology, Sir. You can tell the Commander that you have made amends and I have graciously accepted.”

Titus did not expect that respond. Nor did he account for the infallibility of Clarke’s resolve.

This was not the same girl he had asked men to keep tabs on. This was not the same girl who had spent her first few days in Arkadia, walking with her head down from the public and first few nights running to the rooftop to cry. When he said he understood what drew Lexa to this girl, it was a shot. Now, he is hinted to how formidable an enemy or an ally Clarke Griffin would be.

“What it is I said was not aimed to insult your character. It was an unfair expression of my concern. You have to understand, I simply act for the Commander’s best interest.”

“I understand.”

“I trust all is clear here?”

“Yes.”

Titus gave a curt nod and waited for Clarke to retreat back to her bedroom. She didn’t. She crossed her arms and instead gestured for him to leave, if all was indeed clear. She smiled at him with profound pity as he decided to lay out what he edited out in his previous statement.

“Therefore there is no point as to run to the Commander and bother her of this exchange?”

“Is that what you would wish, General?”

“It would be best, yes” Titus replied through gritted teeth.

“I understand” Clarke repeated politely. She did. She knew that he was there because Lexa heard part of their initial meeting. She knew he would not have made this trip to her room if the orders given to him were not explicit. And she knew that this conversation had not gone according to the script he wrote in his head.

Clarke also knew that no matter where they were now and wherever they were heading, she and Lexa are not just acquaintances. And that anyone who insulted her would have to answer to the Commander of Blood. As much as she is not a fan of this man standing in front of her, she would not have him punished for only acting according to his beliefs.

“Let me be blunt about a few things” she stated. “I don’t run to your Commander for anything. We simply somehow always end up running into each other. I will not rat you out, Sir because believe it or not, I am trying my damnedest to be on the same side as you. And I do care about the Commander and her interests. That said, I am not here to grant anyone’s wishes. Least of all yours, who may I add, have been nothing but rude and condescending.”

“Fiery child, you are, Miss Griffin. It’s why she likes you.”

“I am not a child, General. Neither is Lexa. And don’t worry about her liking me. It is quite obvious to me that it will not deter her from her duties as Commander.”

Titus jeered an air of mockery that Clarke did not know someone of his age could muster.

“Not all of us enjoy the luxury of such certainty” he hawked in fine accusatory fashion.

“You enjoy her loyalty and dedication” Clarke reminded him. She heard her own voice reverberated down the hall. She did not mean to make a scene but if there was anyone there who was doubting Lexa’s devotion to her people might as well hear it. “You enjoy the blessing that should it ever comes down to it, she will always choose you.”

“No one knows that for sure.”

Clarke tipped her head to the side, this time actually pitying him.

Some people really are clueless of what they have.

“I do” Clarke replied irrefutably.

Titus didn’t look like he knew had anymore accusations after that but he did have heated response which was cut off when Octavia poked an alarmed half-asleep head out of the door. She took one look at Titus, realized who he was, then asked Clarke if there was a problem.

“Good night, Miss Griffin” Titus bid before Clarke could answer. He hurriedly walked away, throwing disapproving glances at the security team lining up the hallway.

“You okay?” Octavia sleepily whispered when they both settled to sleep.

Clarke sighed and hugged her pillow. Her silence was answer enough for Octavia.

This is war.

No one is okay.

The dream started off harmless enough. It was the same old scene – an empty old circular with computers and empty seats. She sat on the nearest one, as though waiting for the monitors to turn on but they didn’t. They never do. So Clarke stood and pressed the nearest button. She has yet to figure out how she knew which ones to press but they always work.

Clarke waited for the faces of the men to show up on the screen. It’s almost like she has memorized this dream and that she is aware she is dreaming. But she could not wake.

Not yet.

Not until it turns into a nightmare.

Not until she sees all the lives she has taken.

That is how this ends every single time.

Except now, the screens are black. Except now, there were no faces. Just a voice. Clarke stared up at the speakers in the room then back again at the screen.

Lexa’s voice was calm. Tranquil and in contrast to the tears falling from Clarke’s eyes. Her breaths were understated while Clarke’s were beginning to be laboured.

“Say it” she whispered from somewhere far away. “It’s okay, Clarke. You can say it.”

Clarke wanted to yell that she doesn’t know what to say. She panicked and started working on the computers, asking Lexa for help on what to do. What should she type in? How does she see her? Where is she? How can she stop what was going on?

Why are they not together?

“Ssssh. It’s okay” Lexa promised and Clarke could tell she was on the verge too. Wherever she was, Lexa was holding back tears too.

Clarke stopped and stared down her hands. They had stopped shaking and as soon as she realized that she was not scared for herself, she became sure of what she wanted to say. She whispered it. She whispered that she was ready to say it but that she hated she doesn’t get to say it to Lexa’s face.

“It’s okay” Lexa’s voice breaks from the speakers. “You can say it.”

“I love you” Clarke finally said, after choking back tears. “I love you.”

She could feel Lexa smile. She could see it. It is the clearest thing in this room and in this dream. There was no one else there and the screens are all black and static was threatening their connection but Lexa’s smile was the clearest thing in Clarke’s mind right now.

This was not a nightmare.

The nightmare was she would wake up in the next couple of minutes and she will not have held her. All she would have had is the face she would recognize in any and every lifetime. It didn’t matter that her eyes have gone sore from the tears and her throat is dry from trying to say words more powerful and encompassing than that cliché.

Lexa is clearer than the sun.

“I’ll come find you after” she promised.

“After what?!” Clarke yelled back but the speakers went dead and the room went dark.

Clarke woke with a start. She pressed a hand on her chest, wondering if she was finally having an actual heart attack. She wasn’t. And judging by the fact that no guards came bursting in and Octavia was fast asleep in the pull-out bed of the couch, Clarke figured she must not have gone wild and screamed her head out again.

“I love you” she said in the dark. “I said it.”

Clarke quietly hurried out of bed, pulled the nearest coat and shoes she could find. She whispered an apology to a sleeping Octavia and left her room. Two guards followed her without asking questions. She felt bad knowing part of their instructions were to expect late night walks with the crazy lazy.

Clarke didn’t have a specific destination in mind. She just wanted some air or a contained space for her to breathe without feeling like she was going to fall off this tower or suffocate from her own panic attack. She opted to take the stairs. It allowed her mind to focus on the steps and to buy herself some time to figure out where she wants to go. She finally stopped at a landing where the stairs split into two. She knows one leads back to the main offices. She turned to check if she was allowed to go the other way, mindful of the promise she made Lexa earlier.

They didn’t stop her and so she kept walking. She knew she was entering ancient territory when the walls began to fade in color and the smell in the air reminded her of museums at home. The doors lining up the hall were all locked except for the one at the very end.

Clarke gasped when she got closer. She remembered what Anya had mentioned before about the doors and halls telling stories of the past. She recognized some of the carvings. They matched those from Arkadia only they were possibly more obscure and older. She pushed the door open and found a dark circular room with rows of shelves, stacked with identical leather-bound books.

The scent reeks of history.

There were not tables, no chairs and the small lamp in the middle row provided a bright spot in an otherwise gloomy set up. Clarke stared up the ceiling.

Glass. And the moon somehow made its way at perfect angle to help shed in some light. She tried to figure out how she found a view of the sky when they were in the lower floors of the tower but the books were calling to her. She turned to ask her guards if this was a restricted room but they didn’t enter with her. The door was shut and she felt no one was going to disturb her.

Clarke took out the nearest book to her when she made it past the second row. She was surprised to see that the pages were all handwritten and was about to snap the book closed when she realized that she had stumbled upon a collection of journals when two words caught her eye.

_Chancellor's daughter._

She read the next line.

_The Commander's affections have fallen irrevocably upon the Chancellor's daughter that the council has deemed it just to exercise caution upon the young Alexandria's affairs._

Clarke almost dropped the book as she felt chills ran from her fingers all the way to her chest. She fumbled the pages until she found one that had a date on it.

Almost 300 years ago.

She looked around the room. There could possibly be a millennium's worth of journals in here and they could all possibly contain stories of past Commanders. She didn't think about it. She slotted the journal back to its place and jogged back to the first row and reached for the top-most journal.

The date doesn't go as far back as a millennium. She started pulling out all the top most corner journals and checked the date. The earliest date is from about 400 years. She read that first. They were short entries and none as detailed as the first one she opened. They only talked about the writer's suspicions of their Commander's activities and occasional disappearances.

Clarke was halfway through when she realized that this was about the Commander's secret affair.

_With the Chancellor's daughter._

Clarke glanced back at the door. Her guards have not stormed in and they haven't even checked on her. That was as good a permission as any so she read on until she finished this journal and moved on to the next one.

As a child, she has always been fond of reading even if she gets bored with imaginations and would always end up drawing the things she read about. She did not have the luxury of that here for the deeper she went in these seemingly bedtime tales, the darker it got.

The first death she encountered tore through the pages and shredded the courage she had built back up. The Commander then was only about 16 and was only Commander for less than a year. She had met the Chancellor's daughter for a month and their connection was instant.

Familiar.

Clarke did not need an outsider's less than detailed observation. She knows how it feels to be struck by an unknowable force and be completely drawn to someone you have met just once.

Those two did not stand anymore chance than she and Lexa did.

The Commander was stabbed by a spy planted in the Chancellor's daughter's security team.

"My fault" Clarke whispered in horror. "Even then it was my fault."

That account was probably enough to make her stop reading but she refused to believe that that's how the stories all ended. She reached for the next row and then the rows after that.

She didn't feel the hours pass. She was no longer in Triktu Tower. She no longer had guards waiting for her outside or a best friend who could have woken up in the middle of the night and was probably scouring every inch of the tower for her. She was no longer in her present. She had travelled back in time and is now witnessing what she must accept to have been her soul's former lives.

They varied. Times changed and continue to change but neither Anya nor Indra embellished the gist of this saga.

She and Lexa always found each other.

They always fell in-love.

And they always somehow end up killing Lexa or sending the world to ashes.

Clarke tried to wipe off a blotched ink on the page she was reading but that only made things worse. She may have ruined a priceless artifact. She stared up the ceiling to see where the leak was coming from only to be met by a salty blur in her vision.

She did not even realize she was crying.

But how could she not cry? When she had just read about how the Commander fell on her knees, face full of shock as she clutched her cracked rib from a knife thrown at her? How could she not cry at the line that whoever owned these journals wrote stating that the Commander could have ordered at execution for her killer right there except she had instead asked for her love's safety to be secured.

How could she not cry when her ancestor - a soul that could have reincarnated into hers - held the Commander until her last breath and kissed lifeless lips with promises of a better afterlife?

All of these stories end in death.

Clarke looked for the stories Anya promised her of happier times and happier memories. She looked for the times when the Commander and the Chancellor's daughter were more than just an omen of a war or a tragic cautionary tale of duty before self.

She searched the pages for more clues on how things had gotten as bad as they had or how come no pair of souls have managed to avert crisis and disaster. There was none. These are practically just obituaries.

Clarke shut the journal loudly and angrily. She tossed it at the side in frustration. A piece of thin and tattered paper fell from the pages. She stretched for it and read through the first few lines.

"It's a love letter" she gasped.

She felt like she was intruding. These people lived their lives with very little privacy and here she was, centuries after their deaths, reading through their private correspondence. But she couldn't stop.

The letter was neither incriminating or particularly intimate. There was no talk of politics nor secrets. It could have been a random e-mail to a girlfriend, detailing plans for a weekend getaway or a business trip turned road trip. Clarke blushed when she realized that she was reading this in Lexa's voice. She was hearing these words in Lexa's voice and she found herself reacting to them as though they were addressed to her.

The letter ends in an apology. The Commander was late to their last meeting and cautions her love that she might run late again because their enemies have breached Border Canyon. But she promises she will make it up to her. There was a second apology. A more profuse one albeit a little condescending referring to a fight. The Commander regrets that they fought but makes no mention of accepting blame.

Clarke smirked and wiped away the stray tears. She could read that in Lexa's voice every single time. She flipped the page but there was nothing else written. She scan through the journal but no sign of a second piece of paper. She slumped back down on the floor.

Did the Commander get to keep her promise?

She tried to rack her brains on which Commander was it that had fought in the frontlines of Border Canyon. She can remember the deaths so she knows no Commander actually died there. Did this one manage one last getaway before the war came to its peak? Or did they sneak away after the war? That was a ridiculous notion. No one ever made it beyond the war.

Clarke fumbled with the page in her hand and felt her eyes start to well up again.

Lexa had written her a letter before leaving Arkadia. Was it as beautifully and eloquently done as this one? Was she reading this with Lexa's voice in her head out of guilt because she all but burn that one? Was there subtle declarations of devotion there too? Maybe a love confession? Or an apology which admits no blame?

She should have read that letter.

She should read that letter before it was too late and before she finds herself in a position where her goodbyes would fall on ghost lips.

Clarke should read that letter before she completely loses her.

Again.

Clarke wiped her tears again as she eyed the last shelf with a lone journal. It was fairly new. It didn’t even smell like the rest. It was not full yet and the first entry was about five years ago. The writer’s voice seemed familiar and a lot more affectionate by Polis standards. It was only when Clarke felt the concern jump out of the pages that she realized this must have been written by Anya.

Anya spoke of the Commander as both a leader and a sister. And she talks more about her concerns over Lexa’s emotional well-being than her abilities as the Commander of Blood. And she talks fondly about watching Lexa grow into her role and grow into humanity’s complexities.

Clarke at the page Anya earmarked.

_I can see her growing to care for this young woman far more than she has cared for any other being her young life has afforded her. I can see her open herself in ways she does not know how to. I can see how Costia’s company may cause Lexa her fate. But I see the soul of Commanders reside in Lexa. She will not break despite her heart urging her to._

If Clarke felt only slightly invasive of a love letter written centuries ago, she definitely feels it now. She turned the page quickly, knowing Lexa would have told her about this part of her life if she wanted to. The next page was earmarked as well and was unfinished. Anya left a sentence hanging and Clarke could point out that she wrote this in a hurry because there was ink stains as though she hastily placed this away.

_Costia’s death is a cruel reminder of Lexa’s reality. My fears, while temporarily averted, have been presented to me in this prelude to a deeper heartache. I begged Lexa not to retrieve her and to await for the burial rites. She would not listen. I have never seen grief so encompassing until I watched my friend, my sister and my future Commander carry a white shroud over a valley of ashes and blood. And I have not seen strength so profound until I witnessed her keep tears at bay. I have seen in her all of hell’s shadows but the glory of her spirit danced in revolution. I saw Lexa rise above personal despair in the name of her duty. What makes her human painted my friend into divinity. We held two funeral pyres. She was only present at the one no one else was present for, as the council chose to keep Lexa’s supposed weakness away from the people she will soon lead. It angered her, threatened to depart from this life but, in the end, she obeyed. I understood then why she is to be the Commander of Blood. What is more, I understood then, her heart can handle what is surely to come. We buried her first love. She will love. But her truest one, she will find. For a soul such as hers is fated to find one whom it chooses and whose soul chooses her back. In time, I will tell her---_

Clarke re-read the single paragraph in the page. It was dated a little over two years ago. She understood how the scars could still be fresh. The death of her father still left some wounds opened for her. She never imagined Lexa carrying her dead girlfriend’s body. She never even imagined how Lexa was before she was Commander.

She read the second to the last line. Was Anya talking about the legend, the prophecy…her? Was this Anya acknowledging that in a few years, Lexa would meet the Chancellor’s daughter who is fated not to just love her but to effectively put her rule to the test and eventually kill her?

Did Anya know then just how Clarke would come to love Lexa without wanting to? Did she know just how bad the two of them would be at making a relationship work?

Clarke turned the page with the intention of stopping this impromptu intrusion into her sort of ex’s love life when two sets numbers written on the next page intrigued the best out of her. The first one was a date, fifty years ago. The second one was a sequence reading J08-88. She looked up at the shelves and quickly figured out it was a specific reference to a journal number, its date and page. She scrambled to find it and flipped through the pages. She thought she had read everything but she did miss a thin page. She had seen it earlier but it was folded into fours and the edge clipped into the spine that she didn’t bother to open it.

There was only one line and a date written in minuscule handwriting at the very bottom of the page. Clarke counted back. That was the date of Lexa’s Ascension as Commander.

Clarke read the line again. She didn’t know what it meant but she knew, with a growing sense of dread, what it was alluding to. She knew it was about Lexa. And her. And try as she might, she felt like she could not stop it from being true.

She hugged the journal, wishing it was Lexa and sobbed. Somehow, part of her wished she had stayed in bed and greeted her nightmares in welcome. She didn’t hear the door open loudly. She only felt the room turn brighter and back to dark again when the door closed.

Clarke looked up and Octavia’s outline was peering from the shadows.

Octavia took one look at the scattered books and manuscripts on the floor and immediately knew that Clarke had stumbled on something she was not supposed to. She rushed across the room, dropped to the ground and hugged her best friend. She stole a glance at the nearest journal and recognized the insignia on the leather cover.

Anya has a tattoo of it.

“I’m guessing you found Anya’s library?”

Clarke nodded.

“For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure she made sure you would find these.”

“These aren’t public records” Clarke choked back tears. “When Anya told me stories before…she said Indra doesn’t even know about them. All Lexa knows are the stories, not their proof. And this hall, every door was locked.”

“Anya knows how to play her cards, Clarke” Octavia soothed. “She might not be allowed to tell you but I’m willing to bet she had a feeling you’d wander off. Might as well capitalize on the opportunity. Wanna tell me what you found?”

Clarke hugged Octavia tighter. She can’t possibly recount all that she had just seen. She didn’t just read through these accounts. The minute she opened her mind to them, she knew they can’t just be a part of someone else’s biography. She felt every stab. She drowned in every poison. She was hit with every arrow’s tip. She was bled every single time. She was there for every burning, burying and crying. The weight of what feels like a thousand lives have awakened in her permanently.

She can see Lexa in all the former Commanders.

She can taste the blood in her mouth when she died beside her over centuries ago. She can feel her kiss, dry with a traitor’s venom as she laid her love to rest. Her hands are warm from the last embers from which the Commander burned and her shoulders are heavy from when she had to carry a lifeless body back to people who still expected the greatness of her.

Clarke thought losing Lexa to duty at that airport was the most harrowing heartbreak she has ever endured. But they have had their goodbyes before. And each one worse than the last. A cliché airport farewell suddenly felt like a stolen blessing. A break in the pattern of love affairs gone wrong.

She took a deep breath and started from the very first documented account. She recounted every detail she could remember. And she remembered a lot considering she just read all of these once. Octavia sat, never reacting to a single death or to an outrageous plot. She would switch from wiping a tear on Clarke’s cheek and to wondering how on earth Clarke was not insane yet.

Because everything being told now was nothing short of insane.

Clarke’s voice cracked one last time before she finally could not continue with the last Commander’s death and just sobbed into her palms. When she pulled herself together, she talked about how Anya saw Lexa go through Costia’s death. She finished that story and shared the prophecy that Anya must have been told since she was young.

The single line on that page.

_The next Commander will walk to her death by choice._

It was a departure from how Commanders usually die. There was not catch to it, no further details or no timeline. There was no way to fight it and no other warning.

Which is why, Clarke half-laughed at the grimness of it, that when Lexa and Costia proved to be more than just friends, the generals tasked to groom her into a Commander lost their minds over this relationship that was not even forbidden. The day they buried Costia’s body, the generals were so concerned that Lexa would choose not to become Commander that they held a separate funeral for her in private. She never had to grieve in public. She never grieved with her friends. She never had to opportunity to show anyone just what that death meant to her.

Instead, she got a quick lesson and was told to be thankful that she was not the one who walked into that trap.

Clarke scoffed, imagining how much that would have broken Lexa’s young heart. She smiled bitterly at how much she admired her more now. She could have chosen to walk away after a display of cold-heartedness from people who were supposed to take care of her. She had that choice that was why they were scared. She had not taken her oath yet.

Lexa could have chosen not to accept her birth right after it had taken someone she loved. But she didn’t. Because she would willingly break, bleed and someday die for her people.

She would willingly walk to her death if it meant that her destiny is realized and her oath preserved. This is one of the best things about Lexa. Clarke knew that this is why she cannot ever learn how not to love her.

This is why she cannot lose her. And why fate says she will.

Octavia pulled her closer, whispering that Lexa is alive and that she is not her past.  

“I can’t keep losing her, O”

“You’re not losing anyone” Octavia promised, unsure that she believed it herself but everything about Clarke’s declaration scared her. If there was one person in that room who would willingly put their life on the line to rewrite history, or worse, challenge fate, it would be the girl in her arms whose tears are running low and resolve is growing strong.

“I can’t.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Clarke pulled away slightly and she could feel the rush of the truth coming. At this point, if she still had the capacity to look back, she would realize that everyone knows it.

Her mom knows it. Her best friends know it. Anya and Lexa’s entire council know it. Hell, even Lincoln who only checks on her security and never actually converse outside of that scope knows it.

The only people who don’t know it are her and Lexa.

It came in waves and she had always been very good at dodging unwanted truths. She blocks them out. She has walled herself so securely that neither truth nor lies could hurt her. Except this particular epiphany was not a splash on the shore that you can step away from. This was a constant.

This is a constant ever since she first kissed Lexa. Maybe even before that.

Her feelings have never changed and they are tearing down her walls.

Lexa is a constant and so is the reality that shines so clearly, so unwaveringly and so undeniably, it may as well be an endless day. It may as well be a burst of stardust from universes away with light years on its tail and immortality in its truth.

“I love her” Clarke whispered.

Bare truth and all that comes with it.

Octavia gasped slightly then proudly smiled back to Clarke.

They have known each other all their lives and she has seen this girl grow up to be more than what her parents set for her to be – a woman Arkadia could be proud of and show to the world’s audience -- but it is only in this concealed room, drenched in history and secrecy that Clarke has completely shattered every single chain that has ever held her back from being a whole person.

No one will ever doubt Clarke’s compassion nor her ability to help people.

But there has been a common fear.

Clarke was never afraid to love. She was always just terrified that she could never feel it profoundly and fully. That was why she has never said it to anyone. She has never declared anything of this enormity.

And in a single whisper, Octavia heard it.

Clarke will probably love only one person in her entire life.

Clarke saw this realization dawn upon Octavia at the same that she accepted it. She can love. And she can love right and wholly.

It was impossible to love right and wholly.

It was impossible for her not to love Lexa.

She loves everything about her from the way her eyes question her to the way she listens to intently. From the way she falls silent to the way she will hold back her impatience. She loves the way Lexa almost always asked for permission before every touch and every kiss and she loves the way that Lexa had never asked her to be anything other than the Clarke that was there.

She loves how Lexa left her jacket for her on the rooftop because it was cold and how she had a surplus of art materials because she was losing her mind in Polis. She loves how Lexa invited her to bed but placed a pillow between them because they both know they weren’t ready to embrace.

She loves how Lexa allowed her to dress her wounds. Alone. How she stood there, slightly embarrassed that Clarke saw her that way, but did not question it.

Clarke whispered the three words again, if only to hear herself say it and still find it true.

“I know. I know you do” Octavia smiled.

Clarke sniffed back the last traces of her fear.

“I don’t know how not to” she admitted.

It was odd. Now that she has said it out loud, she wants to keep admitting everything. She wanted to march up to Lexa’s room and tell her, as honestly as it was possible at four in the morning, why she has such anger before. She wanted to tell her that hating her has been the most exhausting game of charades she has ever played in her life.

And she wanted to tell her she loves her.

All of her.

Even the parts that she can’t stand. Because yes, there are parts that she can’t stand. There are a lot of parts she can’t stand because Lexa can be frustrating and infuriating when it comes to things which are outside of Clarke’s comfort zone. But she loves her even if, God forbid, their politics and philosophies will never be on the same page.

She wanted to tell her she loves her and she will do anything and everything to make sure that this stupid prophecy will not come true. She loves her and damn it, she can love her enough to keep her alive.

“Whoa” Octavia held up a patient hand to stop Clarke’s monologue and declaration of love. “How much are you planning to tell her?”

“All of it?”

Octavia looked away uneasily.

“What?”

“Well. ‘I saw you die over and over again which made me realize that I am crazy in-love with you’ is hardly the most romantic gesture, now is it? And it might prove harmful than helpful” Octavia explained. “She can’t know you’ve seen your deaths. We are at war. We don’t know who to trust. We need Lexa to be at her best. She can’t be distracted with ideas of her prophesized death.”

Clarke blinked. She had to make sure she was facing her best friend and not a wartime consultant.

“I can’t just sit here and not do anything.”

Octavia shrugged.

“Why don’t we just make sure that the people who kidnapped you don’t get to do it again? In the meantime, you can figure out a way to tell her you love her without blurting out that you’re acting on fear that she will walk through the valley of death soon”

Clarke frowned. Octavia said it so casually that she is unsure she managed to convey her feelings properly. There was no way they can just leave this room and go back to how they were before. Even if she and Lexa keep avoiding each other, they will eventually have to see each other again. And there was no part of Clarke who would willingly not confess her feelings the first chance she gets.

“I don’t want to regret—I want her to know. And I want to her to stay alive.”

“If you value her life, you’ll make sure nothing happens to yours.”

“Octavia—“

“She can’t know about that line, Clarke.”

Clarke stood up and started putting the remaining journals back. Octavia allowed her because they both know this discussion will lead to an argument and maybe a fight.

“I’ve hurt her too, you know?” Clarke muttered.

“Yeah.”

“And she will soon go off into war, without knowing if she will come back. And she doesn’t even know that I’m sorry. That I love her and that now that I’ve seen this, I can find a way to help her. That I can keep her safe too.”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t lose her again” Clarke insisted.

Octavia shrugged heavily.

“Neither can her people.”

She was right and Clarke knew it.

This war was coming and Lexa has made it clear before that she does not want this prophecy to come true. She does not even fully believe it. Bringing it up would only put another wedge between them.

“What are we supposed to tell her when she asks where we were?”

“She’s busy with the tournament prep which is the perfect excuse to you know, keep avoiding you.”

“And after the tournament?”

Octavia sighed. The part of Clarke who always needs everything in place was always more suited with Raven than with her.

“I don’t know. We’ll have time to figure that out at the lake.”

Clarke nodded. She placed an arm around Octavia’s shoulders and squeezed it in gratitude. She led her to the door and said she would still want to help Lexa out. In whatever way she could and that included digging through what she can find out about the attacks in Arkadia and who poisoned Roan. Octavia said Lexa would be away from the tower until the tournament.

“Well, if I run into her, I’ll bring it up” Clarke said, placing a hand on the door knob.

Octavia stopped her gently.

Clarke stared at her in curiously.

“What? You want to miss your morning duties at the Academy?” Clarke joked.

“Are you sure that’s all you want to talk to her about?”

Clarke processed the question a little slower than she would hope. She wondered if Octavia was trying to make her admit a secret plan of still bringing up the prophecy in Lexa presence. There was no plan and that was not Octavia’s question.

Clarke exhaled sharply, unsure how to phrase her answer when she realized what was being asked.

“No one ever brings her name up” Octavia said softly. She patted Clarke’s hand as though that would lend support to a tricky situation. “I heard it before. I asked once back in the Academy and Indra smacked me in the head.”

“It’s an unimaginable pain. I won’t bring it up.”

“You won’t bring _her_ up” Octavia tested.

“No, I won’t bring her up.”

Clarke did not ask more about Costia back in Arkadia. Now that she knows a little bit more, she realized that there are some things better left for Lexa to bring up on her own terms. Although part of her is sure that Lexa never would. And she would not blame her.

To lose a first love in that way compares to no other pain.

Clarke would never put Lexa through that again.

“Are you okay?”

“After reading through that? No.”

“After knowing she has loved before” Octavia clarified.

Clarke raised an eyebrow in incredulity at her best friend’s question.

“Of course she has loved before, O” she but sighed. “A soul as sad as hers would have loved so purely and lost so gravely. If you’re implying I’m jealous of her, I’m not. I was never under the impression that I was special…”

Clarke’s words and thoughts trailed off.

That was not a self-deprecating or self-pity statement. It was another truth that she had to say out loud, albeit an easier one to accept. She had always wondered what about her would Lexa find interesting or even dare to love. The legend made sense to her because it provided her an explanation on why the attraction was mutual.

Clarke thought back to earlier when she felt jealous of the nurses attending to Lexa. She quickly assessed if those same pang of stinging covetousness was present in this moment or when she first read about Costia.

Tonight was different. There was no anger or resentment or the urge to hit someone in the face. She does not know how or why yet but she knew that she can never be truly jealous of Costia. If anything, she wished she could give them the time that was stolen from them.

The nurses practically claiming their stake at the Commanders body, however, can suck it.

“You are special” Octavia insisted.

Clarke smiled and shook her head slightly before finally turning the knob.

“I’m not. She is.”

Octavia stared at Clarke’s back, convinced that was a completely different person from the one who walked in.

Clarke, for her part, never felt more like herself. Whatever that means. She managed to get through a couple of hours without having the sense of dread which she has been carrying all over Polis bother her. She even went as far as have a pleasant and non-political exchange with her mother.

But she didn't run into Lexa the whole day. She couldn't even find her anywhere.

She asked where the Commander was and was told that she was not in the city. That afternoon, when Clarke got back from a day half-spent playing with orphaned children and talking meeting with some ambassadors from different countries who somehow found out that she was in Polis at all, she asked for Lexa again and was told that she has not returned to the tower. This time, she was told that the Commander left instructions that should she be needed by Clarke, the soldiers assigned to her have a direct line for her to be contacted. Clarke declined but she did press her inquisition on where Lexa was.

For the first time since she got there, Clarke was not being intrusive of possible political struggles. She was not even suspicious of probable plots Lexa could be hatching which may hurt Arkadia or bomb an entire country. She just wanted to know if Lexa was in a situation where walking voluntarily to her death was an option.

The soldiers did not have an answer so she let go of it. She ate dinner with Octavia and they discussed their day without talking about how it started. Clarke bid her an early good night because she has to spend the night in the Academy for guard duty. This was in exchange for getting the weekend free to take a trip to the lake with Clarke.

Clarke found herself dozing off in her balcony as she tried to sketch the night scenes below her. At some point, she did fall asleep because the men came for her again.

The scene was different. They didn't come to get her in Arkadia. This time they showed up outside her bedroom in Polis. All of them. Every single person she killed showed up, broke her door down and surrounded her bed. They didn't do anything.

They never do anything.

They just stare at her and as always, she stares back. She wants to talk to them and to apologize but they never let her speak. Quite literally she can never speak.

She can barely open her mouth. And she fights it. They don't get any closer to her and their expressions never change. They just watch her struggle as she locates her voice or catch her breath. They just watch her feel the pain from her throat move to constrict her chest. They just watch her slowly suffocate.

They watch until she could finally scream.

And then they disappear as Clarke wakes up from the sleep she never wanted to have and the nightmare that she was sure she had beaten.

It was freezing in the balcony but her face and neck were drenched with sweat. She grabbed a new shirt from her closet before heading out of her room. There was no way she was going back to sleep tonight.

It was almost midnight so her guards were after the change of shift. She did not see any familiar faces but they were all still Special Forces. And apparently still had the same orders to allow her out of the bedroom but to keep close to her.

The soldiers did not even bother looking at her when she snuck her by the door before completely stepping out into the dark hallway. She stared up at the newly-installed security cameras and smirked at the green light blinking.

Infrared night lenses.

Lexa was not kidding about adding security features. As much as it annoyed her that there was almost no privacy left anymore, she found herself smiling at the mere thought of Lexa's name.

She shut the door silently and started to slightly tiptoe her way to the elevator when a soft but commanding voice from behind called her name.

Clarke jumped in surprise to the nearest soldier to her. It was not so much as her being scared because she could never be afraid of that voice. It was the fact that Lexa had been sitting a few feet away from her door, in the dark and had kept silent until Clarke took her first steps. She didn't even get up from her chair until she realized that it was dark enough for Clarke not to notice or even see if she just stayed in the shadows.

She walked slowly to Clarke, first concerned then confused at the slightly outraged greeting.

 

"What the hell?!"

"Excuse me?"

Clarke clutched her chest, if only to support herself up.

“What are you doing out here?”

Lexa looked at her like it was a ridiculous question.

“My job” she replied simply.

“Scare me to death?”

Lexa eyed her soldiers and they backed away towards the end of the hall, leaving the two of them with a little more privacy. She turned to Clarke and frowned at her, unsure why Clarke was positively rattled by her presence.

“What the hell?!” Clarke blurted out again when she finally regained composure. “Why were you lurking?”

“I was not.”

“Oh, sitting in the shadows, are we, Commander?”

Lexa merely shrugged at Clarke’s hyped up state.

“I had a feeling you would sneak out” she explained herself. She flinched a little at the notion that she had to explain herself at all but Clarke responds to reasons well enough that she calmed down a little bit. Lexa offered a little grin. “I worried you would run off like you did last night.”

“So you camped out my room to stop me?”

“In the likely event you would use the door”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed, feeling like she was just duped but the Lexa’s hint of a grin was still plastered on her face so as much as sarcasm was a go-to for both of them when slightly pissed, she decided to welcome Lexa’s idea of a joke instead.

“I'd use the window but we're 77 stories up” she snapped with less acid than she intended.

“Smart of you”

Clarke turned to look for the guards usually posted outside her door. They had completely deserted the area. This would be the first time Clarke has seen this entire hallway without a single soul. She liked the sight of it.

“Don't you have soldiers for this?”

“You saw me send them away, Clarke”

“I mean on duty to bar my door” Clarke cleared, slightly rolling her eyes. She had been looking for Lexa for the better part of her day and now that she is right in front of her, she cannot seem to grasp what it is she was feeling. She chucked it off to being caught completely off-guard.

Besides, the last time they talked wherein both of them were completely awake, she was still sort of acting like a pissed-off ex. If she suddenly became all warm and fuzzy, which she was not sure she can even be, Lexa would know something had changed. She would ask and Clarke would not be able to lie. It was hard enough not to blurt out those three words right now.

In fact, Clarke was surprised she managed ‘what the hell’ instead of ‘I love you.’

“Don't you have better things to do than watch over me?”

“I am technically watching your door”

“Don't you have more important business, Commander?!” Clarke suppressed a chuckle with a half-assed annoyed snarl.

Lexa frowned at her again before turning solemn. She took one very careful and calculated step closer before dropping her voice to a casual and almost detached whisper.

“None more important than you.”

Clarke looked away again. Something had changed between them. Or something switched on. Switched back. She knows what is different with her and she knows what the catalyst was. But she could not figure out what was different with Lexa. She wondered if she had given away too much of her own esteems for her that last encounter.

Whatever it was, Lexa seemed unguarded. Like she was not afraid that Clarke would misconstrue this vigil for her security’s sake.

“You can't sleep out here...” Clarke muttered.

“I intend to stay awake”

“Well, you can't stay awake out here”

Lexa scoffed as though personally offended by the doubt in her ability to stand guard.

“I have been to the frontlines of many wars, Clarke. I assure you I am more than capable of staying awake for—“

Clarke rolled her eyes and snarled for real. She opened her door to a bewildered Lexa and awkwardly cleared her throat. She could feel her cheeks burn again but no one was there and it seemed like the Commander was in fine form to miss clues.

“I'm inviting you inside, Lexa” she sighed.

Lexa’s grimace became more profoundly confused and hesitant. Clarke worried she would turn her down. Or maybe she had overstepped again and was about to be told that they’re not there yet. She worried Lexa was about to tell her that as much as they cannot deny a sense of reconnection, that would not amount to fixing their issues. They were no longer in Arkadia, being blissful in on a couch and ignoring all that was happening in the world.

Clarke gulped in anticipation to Lexa’s reply with was stalled by an uneasy sense of hesitation. She felt her insides twist as she interpreted the scrupulous daze in Lexa’s eyes as her way of coming up with a means to turn Clarke down gently.

“You made it clear you did not want company”

Clarke’s breath hitched faintly.

One day, if they both get lucky enough to get to a place of total comfort and familiarity, she might manage not to be left breathless in surprise of how Lexa responds to her.

“You and I both know you are not company”

Clarke wore a content and cheeky smile as she led Lexa into her room even if she avoided the direction of the bed at all costs. She was about to invite Lexa to the balcony when she realized that Lexa had stopped on her tracks in front of the painting still on display.

Lexa didn’t say anything. She just tried hiding a smile from Clarke before picking up a random book and sitting on the couch.

“I’m sketching on the balcony” Clarke said.

Lexa nodded at her but stayed put on the couch.

“Staying in here?”

Lexa hummed with her own cheeky grin.

“What?” Clarke asked with a pointed look. “What is it you’re not saying?”

“Please do not jump off the balcony.”

Clarke made a face at her then headed out. She took her seat and conceded to the fact that she was not going to get anything else done. She tried wrapping her brain around everything that had led the both of them to this place of dancing around each other while still making sure that they were actually around each other. She tried making sense of how she just willingly walked a few steps away from someone she had spent the day wanting to be near to. She thought back to what she learned that morning and pretended to count how many more mornings she would have until she absolutely cannot hold in her feelings anymore.

Clarke knew that the tournament was tomorrow and she knew that Lexa would be leaving in a few minutes if she wants to be rested and on her best. She played out scenarios in her head on how to approach her about getting some sleep without it sounding like an unwarranted invitation to share the bed. What she did not count was how about half an hour later of total silence between them, Lexa brought out another chair in the balcony and set it beside her.

Lexa handed her a blanket and a hoodie before taking a seat and stared out the view Clarke was trying to sketch earlier. She hummed with such contentment that waves of peaceful repose swayed Clarke into feeling relaxed enough to settle under the blanket and close her eyes.

“Good night, Clarke” Lexa must have whispered a few minutes later but Clarke was sure she dreamt that.

No dreams came that night.

For the first time since she arrived in Polis, Clarke woke up to a warmth that she only ever felt when she and her friends would go out summer trips in the beaches of Arkadia. She slowly opened her eyes when she heard buzzing and from somewhere below her.

“Lexa” she whispered in slight alarm when she remembered where she was and saw that the chair next to her was empty save for a blanket that matched the one she was bundled in.

“In here” Lexa called from behind her.

Clarke took a quick glance at the rising sun from the farthest points of Polis which her eyes could reach. It was too early for either of them to be awake. She returned slowly back inside her room. Lexa was putting on her boots and it reminded her of the first time she ever walked in on her. Clarke’s eyes travelled unwillingly from Lexa’s perfection to a sheathed sword and a handgun laying on the table. They were not there before. She watched as Lexa methodically sheathed a small hunting knife to her ankle.

Lexa looked up from tying her laces, studied her for quickly before finishing one boot. She hummed animatedly when Clarke remained standing in front of her, blocking the first traces of the morning sun from the balcony doors. When she was done with tying both sets of laces, she glanced up again and gave Clarke’s frozen expression a questioning look.

“Did you sleep outside with me?” Clarke heard herself ask.

Lexa nodded, still wearing a patient curiousity.

Clarke sat on the couch across the armchair from where Lexa was still expecting the actual question she wanted to ask. She eyed the sword on the table.

“How dangerous is it?” she asked not bothering to hide the fact that she was already worried out of her mind.

Lexa must have sensed it the minute she caught Clarke’s lingering stare at the weapons Indra delivered to her this morning.

“It is a game, Clarke” she soothed.

“Of which people have died”

“Of which I am defending champion.”

“You’re already the Commander. Surely, you can give the title to someone else—“

Clarke’s rambling was cut short by Lexa suddenly standing up and virtually squinting her assessing scrutiny at Clarke. She clicked her tongue when their eyes met and Clarke resolve to keep an objective argument against the tournament.

“Who put you up to this?” Lexa asked sternly.

“What? No one.”

Lexa scoffed.

“You did not bat an eye when you first heard of it.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at how ridiculous that argument felt like. Whether it was the first time or the second time or whichever time, it does not change the fact that this tournament was a pointless display of violence. Lexa has the scars to prove just how bad this could go and Clarke seen enough Commander deaths to last centuries.

“Clarke? Who told you to talk me out of it?”

“You say that as if I can actually talk you out of it!”

“So someone did?”

Clarke groaned.

“I already said no one put me up to it. Is it so impossible for me not to want you to add to your growing collection of scars?”

Lexa gaped in growing ire and sincerest frustration at Clarke’s sarcasm.

“You were fine just—“

“That was before—“

Clarke stopped herself just in time. She fumed before turning away from Lexa and biting her tongue. This morning had such a promising start. She did not want to fight with Lexa. She wanted to walk into this room, into this girl’s arms and just stay there. As unreasonable as that is in the world they both live in, she just wants to move past their differences.

“What? Before what, Clarke?” Lexa demanded.

How does she say it? Which one does she say first?

Before I realized I am still very much in-love with you?

Before I basically saw and relived all of your previous deaths?

Before I found out that your death was prophesized?

Before I had to stop myself from baring out all my truths because we are facing a war?

Before I accepted that there was just no way I out live this life, or anything else that might come after that, without you?

Clarke sighed in defeat. She can’t say any of that. She shrugged apologetically before uttering an acceptable lie.

“Before I realized Anya would not be here”

“She does not fight for me” Lexa snapped, slumping back down to the armchair. She sounded sad and as soon as she heard how she unintentionally presented herself, straightened her posture.

It was effortless how she regains her grace and regal essence.

“No one fights for me.”

“She does” Clarke insisted. “Everyone fights for you, Commander—“

She found herself at the receiving end of a glare. It was a world’s apart from the Lexa who once claimed that some people are born to die for others. Clarke wondered if fighting and dying are separate concepts in her mind and if she truly believes that one will not lead to the other. They of course, don’t always lead one to another.

But Clarke had seen her scars and they told stories of an existence surrounded by death.

“I only meant you’re the Commander. Of course they fight for you. They would die for you”

“As I would for them”

“Not over a game.”

Lexa turned faintly smug.

“I am not going to die, Clarke.”

“Did you become immortal overnight?”

Clarke’s sarcastic challenged only made Lexa complacent smirk grow.

“Why do you need to fight? Why are you fighting at all?” Clarke pressed on.

Lexa just shook her head and stood up. She observed Clarke’s demeanour before deciding against a full explanation. Clarke knew that the girl in front of her was literally editing her reply because she was doing that infuriating yet at the same time delectable mannerism of circumspectly biting the inside of her cheek.

“I’m the Commander, Clarke” Lexa finally said.”That is reason enough. It is a lesson you have to accept while you are here”

“The hell I have to accept anything” Clarke huffed in quiet defiance.

Lexa was stoic again as she walked to the door. She bit her lip when she turned and was surprised to see Clarke standing behind her no more than three steps away.

“You’re not obligated to watch” she managed to choke out.

Clarke stayed silent. She did not exactly have a plan when she left her seat. She thought she would only be escorting Lexa out the door. But then she found herself wanting to stop her from going. Then that turned to her wanting to pull her closer. Hug her.

Kiss her.

Clarke realized that she was staring at Lexa’s lips and that both of them have been reduced to uneasy breaths. Lexa’s hand lingered on the doorknob, fidgeting in restless anticipation before taking a step towards Clarke.

“Good luck, Commander” Clarke breathed croakily when Lexa had come and leaned in too close.

The surprise in Lexa’s eyes and her construction of a rejection constricted Clarke’s chest. And the amount of understanding Lexa conveyed with a single nod, as though she knew and accept that they were not allowed to go beyond standing with their chests separated by nothing more than a breath. As though it was okay that Clarke was not ready to kiss her again.

Clarke was. She wanted to.

But not now.

Not yet.

“Have fun at the lake”

Lexa left without another word and Clarke packed hurriedly. Octavia came over with two packs of breakfast and they ate out in the balcony, at first in silence until Octavia spilled on what she was doing that night. Indra had assigned her to chart some security notes of a patient that does not exist.

Clarke did not need to ask who the patient was. Octavia said there was no change. They still could not narrow down the missing element for an antidote. But Indra did mention that if anyone says this is a new poison, they would be lying. There was a time when someone important was dosed with the same thing and Octavia found hospital records with reference to a certain address in Arkadia.

“They had reached out to your mom before. You know, before she was full-on Chancellor? They asked for help and I’m pretty sure she still has her notes” Octavia concluded before asking how Clarke’s night was.

Clarke wanted to talk more about the antidote but Octavia shushed her, pointing out the fact that there were two chairs in the balcony. There was not much to tell about the night other than the fact that Clarke no longer contested how safe she feels whenever Lexa was around. Octavia didn’t question it but she did tease her all the way to the car and as they drove out of the city.

Clarke spent the next two hours replaying Lexa’s words.

_Have fun at the lake._

“Those are not her last words to you. Those are not her last words at all. Stop it” Octavia would say every time she would zone out of their conversations.

Clarke would bob her head, get re-engaged in whatever topic they were on and eventually zone out again. They had just driven past the marker for the city limits when she suddenly grabbed Octavia's hand.

Octavia pulled over the side of the road and waved away the soldier from their detail who came to check on why they were stopping. She waited for Clarke to admit that she wanted to go back to the city and proceed to the arena.

Clarke muttered that she still does not want to watch the tournament but they should go back because she would not be enjoying the lake anyway. Her mind was still on Lexa and the fact that people have died in these games.

Octavia smirked and turned the car around. They missed the first half of the tournament which covered non-combat skills like archery, clay shooting and a survival obstacle course. To no one's surprise, Lexa's name was on top of the Blood Board after the morning schedule.

"What are you doing here?"

Clarke and Octavia spun around from studying the giant board on display outside the stadium. Indra looked impatient as she waited for her answer.

"Clarke wanted to watch the Commander fight" Octavia replied.

Indra grunted grudgingly but motioned for them to follow. They passed by a tent which she said was Lexa's quarters but said that it's better if they don't disturb mid-game rituals. She led them into the center of the stadium, in what looked like a gladiator's circle.

The stands and seats are high up and surrounded the stage. Indra parted the crowd as she walked in but the chatter was silenced and the whispers were grew rabid when people saw who was on her heels.

Clarke only noticed it when she stopped being in awe at how Rome's Coliseum was brought to life by this venue's more modern take. When they stopped at a roofed area, she realized they were at the VIP section.

"That chair is to be empty" Indra said, pointing to a throne-like chair in the center. "The Commander sits there when she watches games here. You sit on the right."

Clarke looked at Indra in surprise.

"People will see."

"People have already seen."

"What will they say? Who sits there usually?"

"No one."

Clarke was afraid to ask the implication of sitting by the Commander's right side where apparently no one ever sits at. So, instead she asked where Indra would be sitting.

"I stand behind you" Indra replied unemotionally. She looked away and ordered for Octavia to stand guard beside her.

Clarke still did not take her designated seat because she was still trying to figure out what was different about Indra's statement. It was still cold and unassuming. It was still riddled with a certain dislike towards her but she feels like it was the first time Indra truly spoke to her.

It felt as though Indra was behind her in more than just logistics.

Before Clarke could ask, the seats in the row below them were beginning to be occupied by uniformed men.

"Her council" Indra whispered to Clarke. "Be at your best."

The Generals soon spotted her but chose not to greet her. They settled for their whispers instead and Clarke noted that for grown men, they sure love to gossip. She swore she almost got a smile from Indra for that.

"Miss Griffin, I assume?" the general nearest to Clarke finally acknowledged her. He was younger than most and looked the most relaxed in their proximity. He held up his hand and Clarke graciously shook it. "General Hakel. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. The Commander has been keeping you from us."

"I'm sure you have been very busy, Sir" Clarke indulged.

Octavia rolled her eyes. This comes very naturally to Clarke. In just a matter of minutes, half of the generals introduced themselves to her and are now in animated conversations. As Clarke stalled to take the seat Indra gave her, they all offered to sit her wherever she may request.

Even Clarke's decline took them by surprise. Charm was not a potent trait in anyone from Polis. She was becoming a stand out and a surprise to the generals who have not made up their minds on whether they hate her or not.

Indra grumbled that Clarke had a spell. Octavia replied that Clarke always had been charismatic. She just chose never to be it.

"Clarke" Indra called to her. "Game is starting soon."

Clarke excused herself from the general who went as far as to inquire as to her career plans now that she has taken residence in Polis.

"Sit" Indra instructed.

Clarke took a deep breath and very slowly sat down. The generals who had introduced themselves were amused, if not out rightly intrigued. The others threw sharper glares than Lexa's knife.

Clarke did not have time to care. Lexa had walked into the arena, followed by five other warriors.

The announcer started calling out the rules. Which were pretty simple. The six remaining warriors, armed only with one weapon of choice, have to fight one another other until only three remain. They were given the liberty whether to ally in teams or not.

Clarke noticed right away that whether that part of the rule was particularly mentioned or left up in the air, the six were already divided. Lexa had Luna and another girl standing behind her, eyeing out the other three. Two men, at least twice of their sizes and a girl, younger and smaller than any of the three women.

"Indra? Who is that with Lexa and Luna?" Clarke looked up at Indra curiously. "I've never seen her before."

Indra's eyes were fixed on Lexa as she answered.

"Ontari. She only comes here for the tournament."

"Is she Special Forces too?"

"No. She is the General of the Rime Troops."

"The battalion in the Cold Mountains?"

Indra nodded. A flicker in her eyes made Clarke's stomach lurch. There was a story there and whatever it was, it makes Ontari a marked character in Indra's book.

"Eyes on the game, Clarke" Indra scolded. "She will be looking up here before the last man falls."

Clarke turned her focus back to the center of the arena. Lexa did not speak to anyone but it seems she did not need to give out orders to either Luna or Ontari. They knew exactly where to put themselves and which opponent to focus on. Luna was on the girl while Lexa and Ontari handled the men.

At first the strategy did not make any sense. Luna spent the better part of this gladiator match, practically swapping and dodging swipes from the girl and her twin knives. She was not fighting back whereas Ontari was already bleeding from her opponent's spear. Clarke was sure Ontari needed help until she realized that she was leading the brusque man towards the wall where Lexa already had her match on his knees with a huge diagonal gash across his chest from a fluid strike of the Commander's sword.

Clarke breathed when she was satisfied that from where she was sitting, Lexa was still unscathed. Lexa took a few steps back from the two men and waited for Luna to pick the girl up and bring her to that corner.

The generals grumbled. One of them was disappointed that Lexa had not rendered the man unconscious. The other wondered why the man was alive at all. Most of them, however, were just curious why Lexa was stalling.

Clarke did not have time to form an opinion about it because a silver flicker caught her eye at the same time the crowd gasped.

She didn't see what happened. She didn't even know what the sudden roar of the audience was. All she saw was Ontari kicking both men to the ground as she jogged towards Lexa in slight panic. Luna stood frozen.

That was when Clarke's eyes saw the steady drip of blood coming from Lexa. She stood up, about to run into the arena, if needed, when Indra placed a hand on her shoulder.

Lexa turned slowly towards the girl. Clarke could not see her expression but from the looks of it, she may have worried for the wrong person. She watched as Lexa's hand pulled out the minuscule blade from her forearm and without so much a breath, threw it with unchallenged precision.

The girl fell on her back, the knife pinned on her shoulder.

Away from her chest. But enough to keep her down and out of the match.

Clarke still couldn't release the air she was holding in. Lexa was still bleeding. Although she did not seem to mind. She did not even seem to notice. The crowd was growing wild and the generals were literally taking notes if not loudly discussing Lexa's actions. Clarke wanted to yell at them to shut up.

Lexa picked up Luna's weapon of choice, a crossbow then tossed it at her. They exchanged glares before Luna aimed at Ontari. She smirked then turned to the men on the ground. In equal cold display of emotions, she shot one arrow each at their ankles.

The announcer declared the last three standing as the finalists before calling for an intermission.

Clarke watched as medical teams took care of the losers. She gave a horrific look at Indra.

"Those are small arrows and she is very good. The injury would last no longer than a month and she would not have hit anything of consequence. As for the girl, that was a clean hit. The Commander has never killed or permanently maimed anyone in these games. Accidentally."

"What the actual hell?" Clarke's horrified whisper was coarse and unconfined. "How is this fun?"

"It's not just for fun, Clarke Griffin" Indra scolded. "Listen to the voices near you. Pay no mind to the crowd or to the voice that has been telling you to worry about the Commander. Listen well, you will hear why she has to fight."

"I don't really care if why she has to fight or win. I just need her not to die."

"There is no difference" Indra recited ominously.

Clarke clenched her jaw in an attempt to hide how unaccustomed she still was to philosophies Lexa stand by, live to and probably die with. Indra threw her a brief sympathetic regard although it came off more as an impatient smirk. She straightened up making Clarke conscious of her own posture.

"Open your ears and clear mind, Clarke Griffin" Indra urged her in a whisper a few minutes later. "They will give you answers before you even ask."

Clarke blinked at her and Indra responded with a soft nod towards the Generals who were still talking.

"What if the Commander loses?" one asked.

"She never has" another answered.

"If only there was more than her life on the line, she would show more gusto in this non-showcase of new talent" remarked a different general.

Clarke stared at their backs with conscious disgust.

_l'm in love with the leader of the craziest bunch of humans on the planet._

She turned to Indra for a bit of an explanation but a louder comment was impossible to ignore. She scanned the row of generals to see from whom it came from.

"Excuse me, sir" Clarke called out when she pinpointed the source of the remark. "Did I hear you correctly?"

"What might have you heard, Miss Griffin?"

"You said Le--the Commander should have gone through this tournament, in its old glory, before she ascended. You said if she had, you would have known that she could not cut it" Clarke recounted almost verbatim. "Cut what exactly?"

"The complexities of her job, Miss Griffin."

Clarke could feel Indra stiffen up.

"And you feel there is a better option, Sir?"

The general turned solemn before he exhaled heavily and directed his gaze back at the three women re-entering the arena.

"I suppose we soon find out."

Clarke willed herself to shut up and focus all her attention at Lexa who had her forearm bandaged. Unlike earlier, she had no one standing behind or beside her. The three girls all walked separately and were very mindful of their distance.

The announcer once again riled up the crowd as he stated only one rule.

Anything goes.

Clarke felt some generals checking to see if that got a reaction out of her. It should have because she was already processing what the extent of this singular rule was. There were no rules. There were no limits. There weren’t even weapon restrictions or standard below-the-belt rules.

But for a split second, just before Clarke could arrive to the conclusion on how a winner would be determined, she forgot about the generals, the crowd and even Indra practically breathing down her neck.

Lexa had looked up to the stands.

Just as Indra had said.

Whether it was intentional or not, she looked up at the exact moment Clarke sought her eyes out. Unlike their ideas or their politics and general world view, their eyes always seem to meet. All other concerns about this absurd final stage of the tournament instantly vanished. The crowd was suddenly silenced and Clarke could not care less about the grumbles of these men who have done nothing but doubt Lexa's character.

Clarke knew she should not wave. She also found herself unable to smile so she just maintained eye contact for as long as it was allowed by their circumstances. Lexa looked mildly surprised that she was there at all. Her eyebrow slightly flinched in a combination of mocking and questioning Clarke's presence in the stands.

Clarke shrugged as though it was not a big deal. As though she didn't have a choice. As though she had nowhere else to be.

Lexa pursed her lips and her eyes softened for the briefest of periods. It was a silent thank you and an assurance that there was nothing to worry about.

Clarke finally allowed herself a small encouraging smile as she nodded for Lexa to take her place.

The crowds were loud again. The announcer had just officially called the final round commenced. The generals did not at all miss their little exchange.

"She lacks focus" one of them said.

"Should war come, the Commander must be reminded of where her eyes should be" agreed another.

"Perhaps we should advise the Commander where her blade should slide through next" Indra barked at them.

Clarke smirked at how that effectively silenced them save for one who turned at Indra.

"Perhaps the Commander should show a little more restraint over her affections and more release in that ruthlessness that won her the position."

"She is Commander by birth right and of her own right. She has proven as much, whether or not she killed in front of you for the sake of these games."

Clarke was focused on how Lexa had been dodging Ontari's erratic mace all while Luna would take calculated blows with her staff at both of them in equal intervals. She made sure first that Ontari had set her sights on Luna before asking Indra what she meant.

"Commanders are of two kinds: those born to it by bloodline and those who emerge through the ranks" Indra explained, her eyes trained at a particularly impressive strike Lexa made at Ontari's ankle. "Lexa's father was Commander. She is of blood. When she was born she was automatically a novitiate to take his place, should she pass the Test of Blood. The test used to be that she had to kill all others eligible to her throne."

Clarke took her eyes off Lexa for a few seconds to see if Indra was lying.

"She had to kill all other novitiates?"

"Old rule. That was how this tournament started centuries ago. This used to be the sole means of how the Commander proved worthy of his or her blood and birth right. The last test was to eliminate those who share the same right. Winner stays alive."

Clarke's head snapped back at Lexa who had just risen from the ground after Luna caught her by the knee. These three do not look like they were getting tired anytime soon even if they were all effectively bleeding now.

Lexa had said that morning that she was Commander and that was reason enough why she had to fight.

"Why did the rule change?" Clarke asked.

"The Commander before Lexa, his father's unexpected successor, as she was too young and untrained to take his place when he died, had two sons. He changed the rules so that should they both come out of their Commander’s Test tied and the need to battle is apparent, who so ever wins the tournament proves himself worthy. He never required death."

"How come Lexa is Commander then? If he had successors?"

"Because the seat is Lexa's by right"

Clarke tried to ignore the loopholes in this explanation. Those boys could still have contested Lexa's claim or revolted against her. She took a short break from worrying about a possible rebellion when Lexa got hit by Ontari from behind.

Lexa dropped to the floor, knee-first. By fate or just cruel circumstance, she was facing the VIP section as she was brought down. Half of her generals rioted while the other half remained stoic, ready to pounce at this predicted failure. The crowd was cheering her on and Octavia who had been quiet the entire duration of the match was joining them, urging the Commander to rise and fight back.

From somewhere in the distance, Indra had stopped breathing.

Clarke stood from her seat the exact time Lexa's knees hit the ground. She held her eyes, making sure that Lexa knows she is there.

Clarke is there for her. And she knows this fall is not how this match ends.

Lexa swayed with inhuman flexibility and reflexes to dodge another hit from behind. In one swift maneuver and kick, she swept at Ontari's feet, effectively reversing their positions.

"Finish her!" yelled one of the generals.

"Indra" Clarke called out when she settled back to her seat. Her voice was hoarse, hand shaking and eyes fixed on Lexa retrieving her sword. "Where are those boys now?"

"Dead."

"By?"

"She did not kill them if that is your question."

It was but Clarke did not admit it.

"How did they die?"

"Rebels slit their throat to send to their father as a warning. He died a few months later by poison. It was a long and excruciating death but it allowed us plenty of time to prepare Lexa for her Commander’s test"

Clarke gulped.

"And Lexa became Commander. Who did she have to beat?"

"No one. She was the only true-born novitiate. Even if she had the boys contest her claim, her academy scores were through the roof. Still hold the record."

Clarke felt a sense of pride rise in her chest. If she wasn't so busy watching Lexa's crazy footwork in this three-way sword fight, she would have managed to throw some shade at the generals who were still busy being nit-picky at someone who was clearly born to be Commander.

"But on her last test," Indra unexpectedly continued without being prodded. "She made a choice which has armed her critics."

"What choice was that?"

Indra hesitated and Clarke had to turn away from Lexa and Luna's engaging sword fight.

"She left those two alive" Indra finally replied, cocking her head at the ongoing fight.

"Are they...threats to her rule?" Clarke whispered, remembering a sensible animosity between Lexa and Luna.

"No. They have proved their loyalty."

"But?"

"They are good soldiers from established families"

Clarke realized what she was implying.

"They have blood rights?"

Indra grunted.

Clarke watched at this elaborate dance of death in front of her. Luna was limping. Ontari was bleeding from the head and the nose. Lexa's earlier wound was bleeding and was favoring a shoulder. She would wince as slightly as she could allow whenever someone swung at it.

"They have blood rights."

"Not enough to be Commander" Indra corrected.

"Lexa should have eliminated them when she had the chance along with all doubts of her strength and resolve" the general who commented about Lexa not cutting it snarled. "Questionable leadership this young woman has, at best"

"And yet she has never lost a fight despite the fact that her strongest detractors are those who are expected to have full confidence in her" Clarke finally thwarted back.

The general made a move to stand but Clarke beat him to it. He stayed in his seat as Clarke eyes him with fiery accusation.

Clarke understood why Lexa would fall deaf to reasons why she could skip the tournament. While this has become an annual showcase of combat skills, it is still imbued with fresh tradition and expectation. And being Commander is not an excuse for not fighting in it. It becomes a compelling reason.

A duty.

It is now only symbolic but what a symbol it represents and what daunting shadow it casts upon those who should fall in it. It no longer is a way to be chosen but a way for the people to see that one deserves their birth right.

For respect and not glory.

For confidence in leadership and not for a performance of talents.

This was for people to see their Commander be more than just a myth. And for generals to see they are being led by one who is worthy of legendary status.

Clarke deduced that her presence here as well as the events in Arkadia have all led to Lexa losing some street cred. And now her vile generals are all rallying against her choices.

Clarke remained standing, not caring that most of the crowd had become interested in watching her reactions as much as the fight itself.

If seeing her somehow helped Lexa before, then Clarke will have herself be seen.

Lexa needs to be victorious in every sense of the word.

She needs to win.

She is not defending a title.

She is defending her purpose.

She is defending her existence.

And Clarke may not be in a position to declare her love for the Commander of Blood but she will not be stopped from baring out where her loyalties stand.

Besides, it was not hard to concentrate.

Lexa was poetry in motion when she fights and if Clarke was not too occupied on keeping herself from fainting because she seemed to have forgotten how to breathe, she would have deemed her the most beautiful art piece ever created. Truth be told, she was already that in Clarke's eyes but Clarke has never seen her fight in person. Before they had ever met, all she heard were stories which always accompanied Lexa's reputation.

Watching her wield a sword in one hand and a knife in another was an entirely different sight.

Menacing.

Breath-taking.

Captivating.

Clarke never envisioned herself falling for a fighter. She stayed away from those kinds of people all her life. She could not even sit through a whole Karate match when Octavia used to take lessons.

But here she was, holding her breath, for the girl who was bleeding from her forearm, lip and eyebrow.

Clarke exhaled sharply when Lexa rendered Ontari a severe blow to the stomach and she staggered backward before completely falling on her back. Some of the generals stood up, their eyes hungry for more blood. Clarke does not know what their concern was about Ontari but they looked intent on Lexa finishing her off.

Lexa stole a glance at Luna was wielding a staff and circling like a shark. Clarke noticed that Luna takes her time in studying Lexa. In fact, she would only fight back but never attack first. And while the other two seemed hell-bent on cutting each other's necks off, she stayed in the side lines.

Eyes never leaving Lexa as though she knew who would win and who she would have to face.

Clarke placed a hand to her mouth in shock when Lexa threw a metal spear at Ontari who was only starting to get on her feet. It didn't hit any part of her body, but it pinned her to the ground by the armor. Then Lexa turned slowly away.

The generals exchanged a knowing look, ignoring the few who were saying that the Commander was only being smart. Ontari is a valuable asset and it is not in their best interest to kill her. The majority, however, still think she poses a threat to Lexa.

Clarke noted how that statement went. They don't think she poses a threat to her reign. Just to her.

As if the animosity was a personal one.

As if there was history there.

Clarke did not have time to let her thoughts run wild as Lexa had thrown the first blow at Luna. They now both share bleeding eyebrows as the hilt of Lexa's sword made successful contact.

Luna wiped the blood off and started jogging in place as she anticipated Lexa's next move.

For the next few exchanges of parries and lunges, they resembled children playing around. Clarke thought they finally had gotten tired and was only buying their time until they absolutely have to fight again. But the frustration on Luna's face and the impatience in Lexa's made her understand why neither one managed another successful hit.

"They know each other well, don't they?" she whispered to Indra. "They have fought before. A lot of times."

She remembered how Lexa's mood turned sour during dinner when the mere mention of getting hit at training with the Special Forces soldiers came up.

Indra stayed silent and focused on the fight but allowed a curt nod.

Clarke paid closer attention to the fight. Lexa was lunging and attacking in all sides now. Though clearly still favoring one shoulder over the other and now barely using her injured one, she was still flashier and acrobatic in her attack moves. She would leap and attack from the air. Whereas Luna's style was grounded and methodical.

Like she was following steps.

Like she was counting steps to a dance move that only she knows with the hope that it would catch Lexa off guard.

She finally did.

The minute Lexa landed on her feet, she spun to swing her sword across Luna's chest. Except Luna already knew this was coming, so she stayed low. She swiped her sword at both of Lexa's ankles, drawing blood from one of them while missing the other by a hair.

Clarke held her breath tighter as she saw the pain register on Lexa's face before a look of fierce determination flowed into her green eyes.

Luna's analytical and methodical approach to this fight finally caught up with her when she was a second too slow to return to her own fighting stance. Her sword was still by Lexa's feet and by the time she intended to pull it back, Lexa's uninjured leg had already claimed it.

Clarke did not see move by move. She was not sure how it happened just that it happened too fast. Lexa's foot kicked or flipped or magic-spelled the sword into the air and while it was on its way down, kicked it mid-air, changing trajectories. Suddenly the tip was on its way to Luna's throat.

Luna ducked, narrowly avoiding her death. Her eyes blazed in pure fury as she picked up the nearest weapon she could find and hurling it at Lexa who made the smallest side step and smirked at her.

This seemed to make Luna that much angrier. She picked a different sword from the ground then charged at Lexa. This time she was no longer as careful in her steps not analytical in her attacks. This caught Lexa off guard once more as she found herself on the defensive. Meanwhile, Clarke found herself slowly suffocating in fits of nervous air, silently cursing Lexa for taunting Luna at a time like this.

Luna managed to get Lexa close to the rails of the arena as she switched between parries and pounding on Lexa's bad shoulder. Her eyes were almost maniacal with each move and Clarke was sure that with each growing advantage she gains of Lexa, her soul dies a little more.

Lexa was fixed on Luna's eyes as well. Too fixed that she left her bad shoulder open and Clarke knew that the next hit from Luna was going to end this all.

Except it didn't.

Luna did go for the bad shoulder and the pain caused Lexa to drop her sword.

Which also allowed her to throw all of her body weight at Luna's exposed stomach. Without so much a blink of an eye, Lexa had pinned Luna to the ground, straddling her in painful precision.

Luna could not move and Clarke found herself still unable to breathe.

Lexa took out what looked like her last remaining weapon - the small knife she always has strapped to her ankle. She raised it over her head and Luna closed her eyes in total surrender.

The blade hit the ground, less than an inch from Luna's ear.

Clarke exhaled deeply as Lexa's last move was nothing more than a quick, almost unremarkable punch at Luna's cheek.

Luna spit blood to the side before she started fading in and out of consciousness. Lexa placed two fingers on her neck to check for a pulse.

"Leave her dead!" the generals started chanting.

Lexa sent them the deadliest glare Clarke has ever seen before calling for the medical team to get Luna out of the arena.

The announcer was just about to announce their Commander as the winner when a glimmer caught Clarke's eye.

"No!" she yelled, her voice being drowned out by the adoring cheers of the crowd for Lexa.

Clarke watched as Ontari's knife sliced by Lexa's bicep and a smear of blood started to form through her shirt.

Ontari was pretty much disoriented at this point. Her footwork was boiled down to just trying to stay up. Her eyes were unfocused and her lips were pale. Clarke could tell the amount of blood she had lost had passed over to the danger zone where very few people have survived.

Lexa must have figured this out as well as she attempted to wait for nature to take its course.

Except of course her soldiers are not built to concede to blood loss. Ontari picked up the staff by her feet and took on a fighting stance before charging at Lexa.

There were no weapons lying anywhere near Lexa. She had to act quick as the staff was already less than an inch from her already bleeding lip. She managed to pull her head back slightly and grabbed the edge of the staff. She wielded it so gracefully that Clarke thought Ontari handed her the weapon.

Lexa wielded the staff to her advantage, winning the quick push and pull battle between her an Ontari. She twirled it and swung at Ontari's head as a destruction from her main objective of again making her opponent lose her footwork.

Ontari was on the ground in a second.

Lexa walked slowly towards her and just as she raised the staff for one final blow, Ontari weakly threw two succssive Shurikens at her.

One missed. The other hit Lexa's already bleeding forearm. She winced and for the first time in the entire match, she groaned and wailed in pain as she pulled it out.

Clarke literally felt her own chest crumble. At this point, breathing was only a memory and moving an impossibility. All she could see was how Lexa ignored the pain and the continuous drip of blood from bare surfaces of her body.

Lexa raised the staff again and Clarke saw her lips move.

"Yield" Clarke read what Lexa said.

Ontari shook her head. Lexa repeated herself, this time raising the staff higher. Ontari shook her head again. Lexa did not repeat herself a third time. She struck the point of the staff straight at Ontari's shoulder.

Whether it was from the pain of the contact or from the blood loss, her eyes finally closed in defeat.

Lexa checked for a pulse once more and Clarke could have sworn she saw her sigh in relief as she signalled for the medical team.

The announcer officially called it and the crowd declared their admiration and love for their Commander.

The generals debated among themselves but for the most part, eventually joined the cheering crowd. Most of them no longer held back their show of loyalty as well. They chanted Lexa's name and clapped as though their lives depended on it.

Clarke felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Breathe" Octavia reminded her soothingly.

Clarke allowed herself to very slowly exhale what felt like days of not breathing when Lexa looked up at the stands to meet her eyes again.

One more discreet nod and glint in her eyes.

Nothing to worry about.

Clarke breathed, her lip twitched, trying to joke that she was not at all worried.

Lexa smirked then looked away, walking towards the exit. She didn't even seem to mind nor care for the adoration and idolization her people were preaching all over.

Clarke faced Indra.

"Breathe" Indra mimicked Octavia.

"Can I see her?"

Indra hesitated in her consideration.

"Wait until she gets her wounds dressed. She does not like being seen wounded."

"Too late for that" Octavia murmured.

Indra's eyes narrowed in question at Clarke who shrugged in slight embarrassment. Indra sighed but made no further comments. She still made Clarke wait until the generals have all left and the crowd started to disperse. Only then did she lead Clarke to the warrior's locker rooms, instead of Lexa’s private tent. There they found three sets of medical teams waiting outside.

Apparently, Lexa had thrown them all out. Indra demanded an explanation why the Commander was not being treated. They all muttered that they were ordered out of the room as soon as both Luna and Octavia regained consciousness and that a private discussion was being held inside.

Indra gave Clarke a look.

"What?"

"Go in" Indra ordered.

"She threw people out" Clarke griped.

"You are the only one she will not throw a knife at."

Clarke scoffed.

"Too late for that."

Octavia chuckled from behind her and Indra looked like she would rather be facing certain death instead of being part of this child’s play.

"Tell her you want to see Roan" she instructed when their chuckles have subsided.

Clarke blinked at her, unsure she heard correctly.

"What?"

Indra all but rolled her eyes.

"I know everything you do here, Clarke Griffin. Check on her injuries and ask to see Roan. After today, you should have a better clue on how to save him. Or where to ask for help."

Clarke found the order odd until she remembered the set of information both Indra and Octavia supplied earlier.

"Was the late Commander poisoned anywhere near Arkadia and the Cold Mountains? On a business trip, perhaps?"

Indra pursed her lips and Clarke had her answer. She pushed the door of the locker room quietly open, already rehearsing how she would tell Lexa that she might have a theory on the altered component in the poison used on Roan.

Her tracks and thoughts were stopped the minute she closed the door behind her. No one noticed she had entered as three badly injured grown women were sparring with their words and by the sounds of it, these were far more cruel and vicious weapons. Clarke stayed half-concealed behind a row of lockers.

Ontari was leaning on the opposite row of lockers, her hand on an icepack to her head. She wore an insolent brand of smugness as her head flicked back and forth between Luna and Lexa. She muttered an insult at Luna.

“You're the last person to talk about fair play” Luna snapped at her.

“You only charged at me!” Ontari charged.

“At least you were given the courtesy of a surrender offer” Luna coughed, spitting traces of blood to the side. She threw Lexa vindictive glance before snapping at Ontari again. “And you did only attack from behind, dirty cheat.”

Ontari sneered.

“Because you did not use our time to hatch your own insidious plan?”

“I fought valiantly.”

“You fought in your mind” Lexa scoffed.

Clarke coughed to get their attention but Luna was already sparked onto a different kind of rage. It did not take long for the atmosphere to change and for everyone to notice that maybe the conversation was no longer just about the tournament.

“Because only cruelty wins?” Luna exacted darkly

“Because inaction loses” Lexa countered quickly.

Luna raised her hands up as though personally offended at the sentiment. She winced in pain and her hand flew to her rib. Ontari snorted at her.

“And what of your relentless pursuit to get ahead? What of its losses?”

Clarke’s breath hitched when she caught sight of the pain that crossed Lexa’s eyes. It was worse than her bad shoulder was attacked. Somehow, Clarke knew that this was a deeper wound that had just reopened and Lexa did not know how to heal it. Sadder still, she did not even refute the assault.

“You are unforgiving” Lexa’s tone was littered with acid.

Luna shook her head in disappointment at how the Commander chose to respond.

“You are unrepentant”

“You are both pathetic” Ontari commented from the side.

Clarke felt like she was watching a teen reality show and these three were just thrown out of their prom after a catfight.

“You are dishonorable and dirty, Ontari” Luna remarked in pure disgust.”

“Oh go to hell Luna and take your high horse with you” Ontari griped, standing up from where she was leaning. It proved to be a bad idea as she clearly has a concussion. Lexa offered her uninjured arm without saying a word.

Ontari took it grudgingly and allowed herself to be directed back to leaning on the lockers.

“No one in this room has virtue” she continued with spite when she felt a little more balanced. “At least two of us have seen wars—“

“Do not talk to me of wars, you do not know what loss I have endured to them” Luna cracked at her.

“You bore no loss alone!”

Lexa’s scoff was riddled with outrage. She was all but over this conversation but could not seem to walk away from it.

“Well you certainly bore them well did you Commander?”

“Speak not of my pain if you do not wish the wrath that goes with it” Lexa warned.

“Pain would require you to have a heart” Luna spat.

It was the first time, other than from herself, that Clarke heard anyone blatantly called out Lexa with sheer insubordination and cackling hatred. If this rift was premised on the fact that both Luna and Ontari have a claim to Lexa’s reign, it was a frightening thought to consider that they will never truly be loyal to their Commander.

While they may not be threats, maybe they will always represent an opposition.

“High horse, I hear it—“ Ontari started to deride.

Her statement was cut short as Luna’s fist made contact to her jaw. Ontari staggered to the ground, her feet striking at Luna’s ankle.

“Enough!” Lexa barked at the both of them.

They looked up at her and realized that the person they had been fighting with in this room was no longer standing there. Clarke could see it too – an air of authority practically forming a halo over Lexa’s head. Whatever pretense of informality and familiarity they had earlier was gone.

Lexa was the Commander again and she had lost all patience she afforded to her…contemporaries.

“Cheat” Luna muttered as she pulled Ontari up from the ground.

“Coward” Ontari accused back.

Lexa repeated her order stoically. She sounded tired and bored.

“How does your victory taste Commander?” Ontari asked after the silent tension moved to new heights.

“Like blood.”

Luna hissed involuntarily and Lexa was about to snap at her or snap her – it was not clear from her body language – when she spotted Clarke who had stepped out from behind her hiding place.

“Hey” Clarke greeted her nervously. She smiled tentatively when she recognized Lexa relaxing her shoulder as a sign of welcoming her to another private moment. “I was—wanted to check on you.”

Lexa pursed her lips.

“You have the next ten days to recuperate” she told her soldiers in her Commander voice. Clarke felt herself smile at how quickly Lexa can switch from one persona to another. “Dismissed.”

Ontari raised herself to upright position and gave a faint salute. She walked steadily towards the exit, eyed Clarke when she passed her but did not say anything. Clarke literally felt chills when she walked by her. It was a weird vibe of both familiarity and alarm.

Luna’s switch on her emotions were not nearly as on-hand as Lexa’s and Ontari’s were. She had to gather herself before regaining the unemotional stance Clarke recognized on her.

“Congratulations, Commander” Luna’s sincerity in the statement could have shocked Clarke to the ground. “May victories prove better lessons than history.”

Lexa glared at her but allowed it. Luna offered her own salute and bowed slightly at Clarke on her way out.

“You watched” Lexa remarked.

“What else am I supposed to do?”

Clarke smiled when she read on Lexa’s face the recognition of the callback. She tilted her head slightly at the exit, hinting at the unasked question of what did she walk in on.

“If you were under the impression that you are the only person who could not stand to be in the same room with me, you are gravely mistaken.”

Clarke frowned, reminded of how she turned a kiss down from that morning. The supposed rejection was still fresh in Lexa’s mind and had somehow morphed into the conclusion that she was still unforgiven.

“Your people love you, Lexa” Clarke noted when she could not come up with another lie.

Lexa caught just how softly her name was uttered from Clarke’s lips. It must have thrown her off-guard because she opened her mouth but no sound or reply came out.

“I can see why” Clarke offered, gently.

Lexa shook her head slowly, as though she really was being fed a lie.

“We make very little use of that word here, Clarke.”

_No kidding._

Clarke pushed back her thoughts as they all lead to her wanting to tell Lexa how she feels. It would be selfish, however, to dangle that prospect when at that moment, such declaration would only set her free from her own discomfort. It would only release her heart from having to feel so much and say so little. It would not do any good for Lexa who would be placed in another impossible dilemma. That much, she understood, after seeing how dangerous the landmines that is her Council of Generals.

If Lexa felt the same way at all.

Clarke pushed that idea aside as well. She knows the answer and it is in poor taste and an insult to even entertain an otherwise notion.

“You look like you have something else to say”

Clarke suddenly remembered why Indra even allowed – sent – her inside.

“Roan” she admitted.

Lexa sat on the bench and Clarke could see just how tired she was from the fight earlier and from this particular topic.

“Clarke, no one can know. If his mother finds out he was poisoned—“

“Word has already reached Arkadia. My mother has heard rumors at the very least”

Clarke watched as Lexa processed this. It did not take her by surprise so she must have already known. What was intriguing was how come she did not just ask Abby for help. It would be an easy enough trade. They communicate regularly because of Raven’s assignment and Clarke suspected that they still talk about the personal affairs which everyone in Polis seem to either fear or be curious about.

“I still think I can get the medicine” she insisted. “Or what can be an ingredient to a possible antidote. I need to get some things shipped in from my school anyway. As I believe I’m not going home anytime soon? I can have it snuck in there. No one will know.”

“Clarke—“

“He will die if we wait. You know he will. There isn’t much time left.”

“And who do you trust to mail an unknown antidote to a foreign country without alerting at least half a dozen intelligence units?”

“You have go-to soldiers, I have friends I swear on. Trust me”

“I do” Lexa confessed before throwing the most basic reason why they cannot seem to move past where they were still stranded on. “But I do not trust your people and they do not trust me.”

Clarke did not have an argument for that. She is guilty of feeling the exact same thing.

“We need to do something and you know it” she begged. “If he dies, the ramifications would be worse than what you anticipate now. Imagine how it would be if the secret you’re trying to keep is his death instead of his hospital stay.”

“I—what?!” Lexa barked at the nurses who interrupted her reply. “I’m fine!”

Clarke instantly felt bad about forgetting just how badly hurt Lexa was from the fight. She cringed as she chastised herself from not checking the injuries before she got them into another discussion on how to handle the Roan situation.

Lexa watched her with amusement.

“Don’t worry about it”

“I won’t” Clarke teased when she realized who the nurses were. She made a face before stepping closer to Lexa in an attempt to look at the dried blood stains from her eyebrow. “You have nurses for that.”

Lexa’s lips twitched to the side as Clarke’s fingers traced the cut.

“I’m sorry” Clarke whispered, trying her best to be gentle around the sliced skin. She smiled back when she gathered that Lexa was not wincing in pain but was fighting off a smile because of the contact. “I’m…yeah. You’re beaten up, Commander”

“I will have it looked at as soon as I return” Lexa promised. She reached for Clarke’s wrist and gently pulled it away from her face. She did not let got and Clarke did not pull away “I’m expected somewhere.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“Four days” Lexa replied. “Maybe five if matters are graver than have been reported. No need to alarm. I am not as injured as you think.”

Clarke frowned at her. She finally pulled her hand back but only so she could tap at Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa winced in pain and gave her a reprimanding look. Clarke raised her eyebrow in challenge then tapped the shoulder again, this time more gently.

Lexa held back an angry growl.

“Have it looked at on the plane” Clarke instructed with fond sterness. “Or car. Or whatever. Just don’t wait five days.”

Lexa nodded at her and Clarke finally stepped away, eyeing the nurses with warily on her way to the door.

Clarke already concede to Lexa still forbidding her from going to Roan and asking for help from her mom. She was already telling herself to maybe have an open discussion with Indra on how to lend whatever assistance when she could when she heard her name.

“Bring guards with you” Lexa said silently. “As for the other matter, keep it to your mother. And you can trust Lincoln to handle discretion.”

Clarke smiled at her fully, for the first time in the longest while.

“Of course. Oh, and…Commander?”

“Yes.”

“Do come home?”

Lexa smirked as the nurses made no attempt at hiding their watchful eye at Clarke.

“What else am I supposed to do?”

Clarke was still fighting back a smile when she found Indra waiting for her outside. She said she would be joining the Commander on this undisclosed trip. Clarke bid her safe travels before nodding a confirmation at the silent inquiry.

“What now?” Octavia asked as she drove them back to the tower.

“We call my mother”

Clarke spent the entire night talking to Abby. She left out the events which led to how she finally got herself permission to disclose this information. Abby admitted that she did study the poison but she never made an antidote. She said that if she could not come up with it, they have very little assurance that Roan’s doctors would. Clarke said that the last time the study was concocted, Abby worked separately from the late Commander’s physicians.

The Chancellor finally agreed to send the notes but not before ascertaining that Clarke was not risking anything over this. Clarke promised but by the end of that conversation, they both knew they were faking it. Everything was a risk at this point and Clarke did not need the fighting to reach the walls of Polis to know that.

The next morning, she went to the hospital to visit Roan. The doctors were away and no one was there to talk to. Clarke sat by his bedside for half the day until the guard outside told her that her cadet friend was waiting upstairs.

“Hold tight, my friend” she whispered to Roan.

Octavia was again waiting by behind the elevator doors. She asked if there was anything Clarke wanted to talk about in private which was odd. There was nothing and they always talked in private. Octavia let it slip that Indra had called her from their overseas trip to let her know that the Generals have grown restless in Lexa’s one day absence. It would be best if they remained muted and out of sight until Lexa returns.

Clarke agreed but only after they take a trip to the Special Forces headquarters. Lincoln was not surprised to see them. He was not even surprised about the request. He promised he will retrieve the documents personally as he is due to travel to Arkadia that evening. Clarke asked why but he had orders not to disclose. That, in turn, did not surprise Clarke. What caught her a little stunned was how freely Octavia was flirting with him.

And how there were no attempts from Lincoln to shut their banter down.

Clarke stood and watched their exchange of teases, innuendos and a possible invitation to a date “when the schedules and circumstances permit” with mild amusement. She did not ask Octavia about what she had missed but gave her a hug when they were alone in the elevator on their way back to her room. She told her she was happy every time she sees Octavia living a full life. Octavia downplayed it.

For the next two days, Clarke found herself in a routine. She stayed in the Tower, as per instruction. She read the books Lexa got for her, started a brand new painting and would make trips downstairs to the medical wing where the staff finally warmed up to the idea of putting her to work. In the late afternoons, she would spend at least an hour bonding with the children of some soldiers who were assigned in various positions in the tower before going back to her books and paintings. She spent her nights alone as the nightmares seemed to be under control now and Octavia was getting more assignments from both the Academy and Indra.

Lincoln showed up at Clarke’s door the fourth night that Lexa was away. He held up a black parcel in one hand and pressed a finger to his lips. He escorted Clarke to the hospital, leaving all her guards in the tower. They rode in silence before Clarke finally cracked.

“Treating my best friend, right?” she smiled at him.

“Treating my sister better?” Lincoln responded with a smaller grin.

“Working on it”

Lincoln chuckled but did not add anything else. That was the end of their conversation. Lincoln did not press for information when Clarke gave the packet to the doctors on duty. He listened intently to Clarke’s explanation and theories. He brought her back to her room without another word other than a plain and polite good night.

Clarke stayed awake the entire night.

And that meant that she spent the following day sleeping. She woke up late in the afternoon, with Octavia looking down on her.

“You scared a bunch of grown men”

“What?”

“They called me to check in on you” Octavia explained. “They thought something happened to you but apparently they have orders not to just barge in here without sufficient cause. So they pulled me out of class to check if you were still breathing.”

Clarke noticed Octavia was still in uniform. She apologized and told her to go back to class. Her best friend did not need telling twice as she hurriedly made her way out but not before mentioning that the Commander was back.

That woke Clarke up.

An hour later she was outside Lexa’ council meeting, pacing on when she would be allowed in. When people started piling out, one of Lexa’s lieutenants nodded at her to go inside. Lexa saw her as soon as she emerged from behind the door.

“This is Costia all over again!” she heard a familiar roar of a man’s voice.

Clarke saw that Lexa was in the middle of the heated exchange with Titus. She made an attempt to walk back out when Lexa motioned for her to come in.

“Clarke Griffin, my generals” Lexa said.

“Good afternoon” Clarke said to the room. Her panicked eyes sought out Lexa’s. “I’m sorry— People were piling out. I thought your meeting was done.”

“It is. Did you need something?”

“You’re back” Clarke was breathless in her delight.

Lexa smiled at her before turning to the Generals still standing in their places.

“You are all dismissed”

“Commander—“ Titus protested.

“It is done, General.”

“What of the poison, Commander?” a general whose name Clarke can’t remember asked. He tried dropping his voice but Clarke still heard his query. “How do we know he will wake up?”

“Well, Miss Griffin has handled that quite well” Lexa replied. She saw the confused look on Clarke’s face. “They have an antidote. They will try the first dose tonight. We will know in the morning”

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief. Then she worried about how all of Lexa’s council now know about Roan. She felt like this was putting him at a disadvantage. None of them are particularly fond of him and would not lose sleep if Lexa eventually decides he was guilty for the kidnapping.

“I mean for retaliation, Commander” the General clarified.

Clarke saw Lexa’s eyes flare up.

“Like I said, it is unwise to strike first”

“Since when?”

“Since I said so”

Everyone in the room fell silent at Lexa’s bark. She eyed each of her Generals carefully, as if she was studying which one of them has the most to say. She stopped at someone from the far end. With one raise of an eyebrow, she ordered for him to speak.

“We need to eliminate the threat before they reach us, Commander” he said quietly. “We know where they are, why wait?”

“I am not bombing an entire civilization, General. Not on one mere vial of poison that could have come from anywhere”

“It’s their brand of poison!” Titus interrupted. “I know you have your hesitations to act considering the significance—“

“I caution you, Titus. Watch. Your. Mouth.”

Clarke gulped. She noticed everyone had either looked away or looked down. No one dared staring at how angry Lexa was at Titus now. The old man seemed surprised by the rage directed at him as well. He stuttered an attempt at a reply but no words would come to him.

“Brand or not, anybody could have poisoned the prince. We remain on guard, nothing else.”

“Commander—“ Titus tried to reason.

Clarke saw Lexa reach for her gun and against her better judgment, she grabbed Lexa’s hand. Lexa stared at her in wild daze but didn’t oppose the contact. She gently moved her hand away from her holster and motioned for Clarke to speak.

“If you attack now, general, you could be starting another war with a nation who has been neutral for a long time” Clarke said calmly. She turned to the rest of the council. “We don’t know if the antidote would work and until it does, you do not have proof of its origins. You could be walking in on a battlefield that you could have avoided.

“You speak out of turn, young girl!”

Lexa’s hand flew back to her holster.

Clarke did not think that Lexa would actually shoot someone who had served her own father but cautiously pleaded a look at the Commander anyway.

“I apologize, Sir. I know I do not have business in this room. I only mean to help while I am…in your debt. For this protection you have kindly offered me” Clarke continued.

“Clarke” Lexa cautioned.

“It’s okay” Clarke promised her before turning back to address the whole room. “I only meant that the Commander is being wise about this. The Prince--- he’s a friend. I would want him justice. But unless you have concrete proof, you can’t make any more enemies by being rash. Your forces--- they’re in the frontlines in the Cold Mountains, making sure Azgeda is contained. Acting on this would require you divide your resources.”

“What do you know of warfare, child?” one General asked.

“Not much, sir. But your Commander, she has never fought a war, she has not won, yes?”

“What do you know of the Commander?” Titus asked with a sly display of venomous malice.

Clarke spared him a look of revolt but decided against completely indulging in his brand of character assassination.

“I would think more than you, sir, seeing as I’m not the one who is doubting her decision.”

“My Commander has my loyalty!” Titus roared, causing the room to stir.

“I never accused you otherwise, sir”

“You—“

“That is enough!”

Indra’s voice drowned out everyone else’s chatter in the room. She warned Clarke to shut up with a look and directed one at Lexa as well before turning to Titus.

“You are all talks, General” she said. “And you will be listened for as long as your wisdom proves sufficient. But we have a war to win and attacking Arkadia’s Chancellor’s daughter will do us no favors moving forward.”

“And if Miss Griffin proves to be another Costia?” asked one General Clarke has never met before.

Lexa froze at the statement. Clarke saw it in her eyes. She was a heartbeat away from killing her own General for even suggesting this.

“I am Clarke Griffin, Sir. I am not another anybody” she declared to everyone in the room, while keeping Lexa’s eyes on hers. “I assure as much.”

Lexa took a deep breath and everyone would not be able to miss the fact that she was still fuming.

“My decision stands” she said. “I want updates on the war on all fronts. We will discuss the matter of Azgeda’s Prince should he wake up. You all worry about our fate in this war while at the same time willingly march to start a different one. Tonight, we only fight the ones we absolutely need to fight. Every other conquest you all lust over will have to wait.”

“Lexa-“ Titus pleaded.

“It’s ‘Commander’ to you, General”

Titus visibly bit his tongue, bowed at Lexa and did not continue the rest of his sentence.

“Take your leaves, General. That is all for now.”

Clarke stepped aside as the Council started piling out. She was shocked to find some of them gave her an approving, even appreciate look. Indra was the last to leave. Her earlier warmth towards Clarke seemed to have lingered as her grunt of acknowledgment at her presence was less antagonistic now. She closed the door behind her and Clarke found herself faced-to-face with Lexa and not a clue on how to start a conversation.

“No one speaks for me, too” Lexa told her pointedly.

Clarke decided against an apology for now.

“One day you will learn that a simple ‘thank you’ would suffice” she said nervously.

It was meant to be a joke and Lexa seemed to understand it. Even if she was not in the mood for it.

“Did you want to tell me something?”

_Other than I’m glad you’re back alive and that I’m still in-love with you?_

“You’re back” Clarke said.

“Yes.”

“How was your trip?”

“Successful.”

“Okay.”

“Anything else?”

“No—I’m glad you’re back home safe.”

Lexa accepted Clarke’s show of concern but did not leave an opening for the exchange to continue. She smiled at her before saying she has some work to finish. She muttered they could have dinner together but she was not sure what time she could get all her work done.

Clarke said she did not mind. They can talk some other time. She was about to go but saw that more than being tired, Lexa had loosened her grip on her façade again. She was not only showing her weariness but also her sadness.

“Lexa”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry about her.”

Clarke knew that she should not have brought it up. Lexa still doesn’t even know about the journals. And Clarke knew that mentioning it would hurt more than it healed. If she didn’t feel the need to apologize for speaking up for Lexa then, she knew she should apologize now for staying on a topic no one wanted to even talk about.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry you’re hurt again.”

Lexa avoided Clarke’s eyes but hummed in response.

“Your people love you.”

“I told you—“

“I know what you said” Clarke interrupted. She reached for Lexa’s hand and noticed the way she twisted her forearm awkwardly. It was heavily bandaged so Clarke became extra aware of it. She instead gently gave a supportive squeezed on Lexa’s uninjured hand.

“But they do. They’re scared of you, yes. But they do love you. And every day since I have been here, I’ve learned why. You’re a good Commander. You look after them. Everything you do is for them. And they don’t even know how much you have lost. How much you have sacrificed.”

Lexa finally looked up at her and Clarke could see clear and dry eyes all swelling with unshed anguish.

“I’m sorry for all that you have lost, Lexa. I’m sorry for your pain.”

“I’m stronger for it.”

“Yes. You are” Clarke smiled at her in pure pride and admiration.

The intensity of the exposed wave of affections took them both by surprise. Clarke caught Lexa’s eyes flick at her lips. She could feel her leaning in and could savor the way her breath would flirt with her cheeks. Clarke met Lexa’s eyes and they were glistening with adoration.

For her.

Clarke bit her lip and willed herself to look away just as she could feel Lexa’s lips about to brush on hers. She heard her sigh and the weight of the world came back to the room. For the briefest moment of flight from their realities, Clarke had almost allowed herself to kiss or be kissed by the only person she ever want to share kisses then.

She could not figure out why on earth did she stop herself.

Lexa did not need an explanation to go with the hesitation. She took one step back and pressed her lips together.

Clarke gave her a contrite smile.

“I have a call with your mother in an hour” Lexa said with a painfully patient tone.

“Right. I’ll go then.”

Lexa hummed again. She held the door open for Clarke.

“Clarke.”

“What?”

“You’re stronger for your pain too.”

Clarke walked back to her room wishing she had kissed Lexa instead.

Her mother called her later than usual that night and Clarke deduced Lexa was not lying about her own call with the Chancellor. They kept their conversation only on the topic of Clarke’s schoolwork. Her university had agreed have her send in her papers and reports. And she can take her exams online with supervision from someone the university will send to Polis. That was apparently what kept Abby talking to Lexa longer.

Abby did not ask about the two of them and Clarke volunteered no information. They both danced around the Roan topic except to say that they will all learn a lot in the morning. Clarke bid her mother goodbye and went back to her spot on the balcony.

Clarke’s thoughts wandered from her mom, to Roan, to Titus and finally settled on Lexa.

Everything settles on Lexa.

Clarke heard her clock strike at midnight. She willed herself to go to bed and not await the word from Roan’s doctors. She had just closed her eyes when there was a knock on her door.

Her jaw dropped when she found Lexa standing there in sweatpants and a tank top. The hall was dim and empty again.

Clarke stepped aside, allowing Lexa to come in. She watched as the sight of the bedroom registered on her visitor’s face. Clarke cleared her throat when they both eyed the empty bed.

Lexa sat on the couch. Clarke was about to join her when her eyes trained on her still bandaged forearm, There were traces of blood stains on the white cloth and the Commander did not protest when Clarke disappeared into the bathroom to retrieve a medical kit.

Clarke sat next to her and Lexa offered her arm without saying a word.

“We grew up together Lexa finally said when Clarke had removed the old bandages.

“What?”

“Luna. Myself. Even Ontari would be around for the summers” Lexa explained “And her. Costia.”

Clarke’s gentle touch froze just above the first and deeper cut on Lexa’s arm. She looked up to tell Lexa that she does not need a backstory. She does not need any explanation over what she heard earlier that afternoon. She was just happy that Lexa was back home safe.

But she saw a different and more compelling look in Lexa’s eyes.

She was far away. She was not in this room. She was somewhere in her past and she was taking Clarke with her.

Clarke stopped her hand from shaking as she quietly started cleaning the first wound.

“She and Luna were especially close” Lexa continued when she deemed Clarke was comfortable hearing this. “For a while, I think there was something else there. It might be why Luna can never truly forgive me. Or trust me. The two of them shared a more passive approach towards war. Luna is a gifted warrior but she would always opt to avoid a fight. We would disagree.”

She made a face and Clarke allowed herself joke.

“You love your fights.”

“It was - is - expected of me. Results were demanded from me. Luna's way of thinking delay results, if not totally deny them.”

“What changed?”

“Between Costia and I?”

“Yes.”

“We talked.”

Clarke smiled. She paused from treating the wound to see show that she welcomed this part of Lexa. She was not only listening to her out of politeness or courtesy. She wanted Lexa to be sure that she can be as open as she can allow herself to be.

Truths. Pains. Secret are to be bared tonight.

“That seems to do the trick, doesn't it?”

“I talked. She listened. Outside of Anya, she was the only person who would listen to me. To anything. I grew comfortable” Lexa recounted with a fierce sadness. “And they punished her for it.”

“You told her secrets?”

“They thought I had. I didn't. I never completely told her anything of importance. We never talked about being a Commander. About training or work or school” Lexa hesitated, her eyes seeking for permission which Clarke was more than happy to extend. “We talked about everything outside of that. So they tortured her more when she could not give them anything.”

“Was she--was she alive when you found her?”

“No. But the doctors say she was not dead long. I missed her for only a couple of minutes. As your mother would have, judging by her wounds from the raid in your home”

Clarke stopped her tears from falling as she heard Lexa’s grief in every word. She kept her eyes on the medicine she was applying on the still fresh cut in front of her.

“I'm sorry” she sniffed.

“She was not even cold yet. Her killers-- we caught them. They said she would not even say my name. She would not give them anything. Nothing at all. No secrets - State or otherwise”

When Clarke looked up to respond, Lexa’s eyes were already fixed on her.

“She loved you. She was loyal to you until the end.”

Lexa nodded but something about her pensive gaze made Clarke wonder what it was that she was afraid to admit. It did not seem like Lexa to lose momentum over something she had clearly rehearsed before she showed up to Clarke’s room

“I could have loved her too” she finally confessed, her grief dancing with sincere regret.

Clarke realized in an instant that Lexa never told Costia how she felt.

“She would have felt it” she eased. She of all people would know that sometimes words would be insufficient anyway. And she was more than aware that when the feelings are just that strong they render words unnecessary.

Lexa looked like she pitied the hope and resolve in Clarke’s voice.

“No. She would not have. I never expressed to her how I felt. I believe she died knowing I would not have chosen her over my duty.”

“Would you have?”

“I was young. I would have allowed myself to believe I can have her and do my job. All I needed was the time to define exactly how it is I felt about her.”

Clarke could see that her hand was starting to shake again as she covered the first wound with a new set of adhesive plaster.

“You don't think that anymore” she asked in a small voice. She could sense her own fear and tried to fight it. Lexa needed her to be brave and strong for the both of them right now. Her own worries will have to find light in another day.

“She died because of me, Clarke.”

“She died because of war.”

Lexa pulled her hand away, surprising Clarke. She writhed uneasily in her seat as though fighting a confession that was about to flow anyway. Clarke watched her, not making a move or a sound. She waited in pristine patience until Lexa breathed calmly and offered her hand again along with a sorry smile.

Clarke gently removed the cover of the second wound, pushing back the images of Ontari’s knife causing it. She ran her fingers over the slice in tender encouragement for Lexa to continue.

“She was close to me. The closest to me. That was the only reason why they took her” Lexa’s bitterness and rage at her enemies seep out of her tongue. “They could have taken Anya or Indra. Or Lincoln. But they took her. They were angry of me. Afraid of what I would become. So they took it out on her. I posed a threat and I never refuted it. Luna thinks if I bothered pacifying the rebels, we would have avoided that raid. She died knowing where I stood about that particular issue. She died knowing it was my choice that led her there.”

Clarke placed a hand on her cheek. Lexa reached for it. She held it in place and Clarke no longer found herself shaking.

Lexa was covered in wounds, bandages and injury. She was in plain clothes ready to sleep, exposing tattoos and marks Clarke had yet to memorize. And she came armed with nothing more than a story of her deepest and most painful scar.

Clarke has never seen her this exposed or this…naked.

And she has seen her actually naked.

Clarke decided then that if Lexa was to bare her soul tonight, there was no more point in keeping hers at bay.

“She died believing you are worthy of love” Clarke whispered. “Whether you are Commander or not. Lexa—“

Lexa’s lips finally touched hers.

Clarke felt herself crumble at the collision. She felt a tear fall from the side of her cheek. She wanted to be able to tell Lexa how she felt before they crossed this line again. And somehow, this kiss felt out of time.

Like it was bad timing.

Like it should not have happened.

Clarke pulled away slowly.

“I’m sorry” she murmured.

And she was. She was sorry that she had to stop it. And she was sorry that she intruded on Costia’s memory. She was even sorry that she did not get to finish what she wanted to say to her.

Lexa looked confused at the apology but did not express anything of it. She bit her lip and conveyed her concern at Clarke instead. If she was hurt or disappointed, she masked it well with an unparalleled sense of understanding that maybe Clarke was not saying no to her.

She was saying not yet.

And that was okay.

Clarke wiped the lone tear from her cheek and went back to dressing Lexa’s wound.

“I talked with your mother. She explained to me the complexities of your university life and the importance of your studies. I am to be welcoming people to give you exams, I guess? That is new but I suppose it is better to search one person at a time for possible weapons than to deploy another batch of the Special Forces Unit at your campus” Lexa grumbled. “My Tech people should also up their standards to ensure that you will only be sending homework to your professors and not state secrets.”

Clarke sensed that Lexa was trying to lighten the mood with her own version of jokes.

“I'm not an easy person to be with, huh?” Clarke remarked apologetically. “My parents have made sure of that, I think. And I grew into it.”

“And I'm not an easy person to love”

“I didn't have a problem.”

Lexa stiffened up at the comment.

Clarke bit her tongue.

How could she have the strength to stop a kiss but not enough to filter her thoughts from escaping her lips? She continued dressing the wound without another word. She grew worried at how Lexa was uncannily still at her every touch.

They stayed silent until she plastered her work and started rolling a new set of bandage over Lexa’s arm. She relaxed a little when she felt Lexa do the same.

“What was it you had a problem then?” Lexa asked.

Clarke did not reply right away. She finished wrapping the bandage then tried to discard her own helplessness along with the other pieces of trash.

“You're harder to un-love.”

Lexa blinked at her.

“Yeah. That was the issue”

“I've certainly given you enough reasons.”

Clarke ignored the bordering resentment in Lexa’s comment.

“You asked me before if it would have been easier to let you go if you told me that you were just using me. That you never had feelings for me. That what we had was never real. Do you remember?”

“Yes.”

“It would have made it easier to hate you. I would have been angrier” Clarke admitted.

“I see.”

“But when the anger goes away, and the hate disperses—“

“Do they ever?”

“What do you mean?” Clarke raised an eyebrow, utterly unsure of where Lexa wanted to take this conversation with that interruption. “You don’t think they do?”

“I'm not in the habit of forgiving. I don't know how to.”

“Is that why you think I haven't forgiven you?”

Lexa pulled back in surprise that Clarke read her.

“Yes.”

Clarke stood up and threw away the trash. She let the air of uncertainty settle between them before moving back to her seat. Lexa was not coy about her anxiety at a response. She was too focused on searching for answer on Clarke’s face that she failed to notice Clarke’s deliberation on whether they should hold hands or not.

Clarke decided against reaching for Lexa.

“I understand why you left, Lexa. I always have” she said softly.

She can feel an intensity building up her chest but she ignored it. She was not going to allow herself to go back to the place where she had nothing but anger at the woman she loved.

“You wanted to know what would have made it easier to let you go? To move on from whatever it is we had back there? If I didn’t understand who you are and what you do and who I am and how I should be, it would have been easier. I would have just been angry and I would have erased you from my consciousness. You're not in the habit of forgiving? I'm not in the habit of holding on to people when they don’t want me.”

Lexa took in the words at pace.

“I’m not a fan of keeping people who have done me wrong” Clarke added as an afterthought.

“I see.”

“But you didn't do me wrong, did you? You did what you had to do and I was just too into you and into my own issues with how you do what you do that I didn't want to admit it. You didn't do anything wrong. I was hurt because I had feelings for you and you left.”

“Had?” Lexa asked.

Clarke’s eyes furrowed in slight confusion on what was being asked.

“You said ‘had feelings’” Lexa clarified. “Had.”

Clarke chuckled, her shoulders shaking the weight off. She contained herself when she saw that Lexa was starting to frown at how lightly she took the query.

“That's what you take away from all I've said?” she smiled warmly, acknowledging just how in-love she was with Lexa before allowing herself to be more serious.

“You left” Clarke continued, knowing that the next few words would take a darker turn. “You left. And I had to deal with it. I was kidnapped and the only person I wanted to see was you and you weren't there. At that time…well—I don’t know. ‘Had’ was a thing.”

“Clarke—“

“I was delusional enough to think you would save me and I got angry when you didn't. And I got angrier when I realized that I had no right to be angry.”

“Clarke—“

“Lexa. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself. So, don't worry. You're good.”

Clarke studied the comprehension start to color Lexa’s eyes. She was sure of what she had said but there was still a part of Lexa that was afraid to admit something. Clarke wondered if it was a bigger admission than the one she was trying to keep herself from blurting out unceremoniously. She started to worry when the a seldom seen expression on Lexa’s face became more pronounced.

Lexa sighed in defeat.

“About your kidnapping, I don't know how much you know but there was a proposition—“

“My life for his demands?”

“You heard?”

Clarke realized what Lexa was about to divulge to her. She hugged herself, the memories of that night, slowly starting to manifest before her eyes. She felt Lexa inch closer to her as they both tried traverse the waters they had both paddled themselves into. She tried to calm herself down but no part of her was ready to relive that night.

“Is there something you want to ask me?”

“Lexa. Please, don’t push this” Clarke begged off. “I told you, I understand the way you handled it.”

“Why do you suddenly have no questions?”

“We’ve bled enough, don’t you think?”

“What does that mean?”

“Just—“

Clarke was herself unsure of what she was trying to say.

“Don’t push this. I am not angry at you. I wanted to be. But I can’t. I’m tired fighting---it.”

Lexa looked confused why Clarke was no longer angry. She looked even more uncomfortable at how Clarke refuses an ammunition she was being given. Clarke realized that Lexa wanted her to have reasons to stay mad because she felt like she deserved it.

But Clarke is tired from feeling angry. She had been exhausted from fighting her feelings for Lexa long enough to know that she probably never should have. She sighed as warm tears started to fill her eyes again, blurring her vision. She wiped them away, in time to see the panicked distress on Lexa’s face.

How could this girl see everything except what Clarke has been trying to say and not say all night?

“Ask me, Clarke.”

“No.”

Lexa groaned out her frustration.

“Ask me what you want to ask” she urged gently. “And…and, we will both move on from it.”

Clarke shook her head. Lexa reached for her hand and squeezed gently before letting go. It was permission and support. It was a plea. It was a promise that she will answer honestly and she will stay with Clarke until they both come to terms with the truth. It was an indisputable argument against every possible outcome Clarke had imagined in her head.

“Did you mean it? What you said?” Clarke asked when she had gained what little bravery she had left in her.

“So you were listening.”

“He put you on speaker. He said he wanted to see how I would react to the Commander begging for my life. Only you didn't beg” Clarke closed her eyes. She felt her ears ringing from how clearly the voices and the conversation replayed in her mind. She felt her tears slowly descend. She hurriedly wiped them away.

She stared at Lexa who was still as exposed as she was when she came to her room. Clarke realized that she had not exposed herself to the possibility that she was not as scared of the memory but of the reminder that Lexa had once chosen to lose her.

“Did you mean it?”

Lexa inhaled sharply at the question.

“Yes” she replied

“You would bargain me away?”

Lexa’s silence and stillness was a compelling answer enough for Clarke. She resolved to stay on course. This was a reality she had chosen to accept. She had gotten over it and she does not need to go through the rationalization all over again.

Her feelings for Lexa have not changed. That much is clear to her.

“I understand.”

“Clarke—“

“Don't. I understand, more than I probably should at this point. I don't really need to hear more of—“

“Will you let me speak?!” Lexa roared.

Clarke’s eyes widened at how flustered Lexa was. She gulped and nodded nervously.

“He needed to panic” Lexa explained breathlessly. “To feel trapped and powerless. He needed to know that he has nothing on me. He needed to make a mistake. I needed him to make every mistake he could for as long as I had him on the call. He needed to realize that there were no options for him. He needed to blow every single move he planned. He needed to back into a corner with absolutely no hope.”

Lexa waved a hand as permission for Clarke to speak.

“So I was strategy” Clarke voiced out his thoughts. “A pawn. A non-bargaining chip.”

“You were why I was even on the phone”

Lexa sounded almost angry and Clarke did not know how to react to that. She knew that she was not being accused of anything and that Lexa had every right to be angry, given that she was put in an unimaginable compromising position that had spiralled into the mess she has to navigate with her Generals.

But Clarke’s thoughts took their time to catch up to her feelings.

“But you meant everything you said--?”

“That you are no more important to Polis than the rest of the hostages? Yes. That I would still send men to kill him even if he did not give me proof of life? Yes. That he can do what he pleases because you are not mine. Yes.”

“I can remember the conversation, it plays in my head—“

“He never asked me” Lexa snapped delicately.

“Never asked you what?”

“If it will hurt. If it will hurt losing you. If I wanted to lose you. If I can. If I could survive it. If I were even ready to lose you.”

Clarke huffed what was half a laugh and half a groan in frustration.

“That's not a question they ask in hostage situations” she said, restfully. She was ready to leave this conversation at where it was now but she knew that there was something else she wanted to find out.

Lexa stared at her. She knew too.

They studied each other for a while, neither one wanting to ask it. Clarke wanted to stop and end Lexa’s clear uneasiness at baring her strategy out in the open. This was probably second only to how terrible she reacts to revealing her feelings.

Clarke never felt their time in Arkadia in the distant more than she does now.

“No” Lexa said.

Clarke thought what the response was for and recognized it as an acknowledgement that what Lexa wanted her to know what not asked the night her life was being negotiated upon. If she wanted its answer, she would have to ask Lexa now.

“What would have been the answer?”

Lexa’s distress morphed into the sadness that broke Clarke’s heart earlier.

“Cannot lose what was never yours.”

Clarke was again hit by another reality that dwells in Lexa’s mind. She knew that Lexa felt that she had not been forgiven for hurting Clarke. And now, she has subtly divulged that she never felt like Clarke was hers to lose.

Clarke was hers. Clarke knows she would never belong with anyone else.

“Wow, are you stupid” she teased with a heavy load of truth and unmistakable hint.

Lexa, of course, missed the hint.

“Perhaps” she sighed dejectedly. “But you are alive.”

Clarke chose not to restate what she had hoped Lexa would have fathomed. Clearly, they had different goals in this conversation. Clarke wanted to move on from the memory of being kidnapped and from not being chosen by Lexa. Lexa had made it clear that she wanted Clarke to be as angry as she could with all the facts presented to her before moving onto anywhere.

“And now the price of escape haunts me. Are they all dead? I never...counted the bodies.”

“No. One was in a critical condition and the Chancellor thought it best to keep him alive.”

“He's in Arkadia?”

Clarke did not like where the conversation was going but she felt herself relax at seeing how at ease Lexa was in discussing these matters compared to their main topic. She almost smiled fondly at the thought that Lexa was unperturbed at this exchange.

It reminded her their time in Arkadia. It reminded her that those memories and moments are not as far off into the past as their more recent problems would suggest.

“He's in custody” Lexa chose her words with a sly smile, knowing very well that Clarke would read into it anyway.

“Are you torturing him?”

“No.”

“What are you--?”

“Information” Lexa said simply. ”As much as I want him dead, he is more use to me alive.”

“And when the information runs out? You kill him then?”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed at her.

“Is that Clarke Griffin’s tone of judgment I detect?” she smirked.

“You did want me to be angry at you” Clarke pointed out. She smiled to show that she was joking. She was not angry and she was not getting angry. But her concern over how Lexa treats prisoners will always be at the back of her mind.

“How could you defend the life of the man who harmed you?” Lexa asked, standing up and walking around.

“I'm not. “

“You have demons haunting your dreams and you lobby for rights of criminals?”

Clarke sighed. She watched Lexa pace and only replied when she stopped on her tracks and demanded for an explanation with a look that Clarke is both annoyed and fond of.

“For humans, Lexa” she corrected quietly. “He's still human.”

Lexa sat back down and took Clarke’s hands in her own.

Clarke felt goosebumps all over.

“For every human life you take, a part of you dies” Lexa said, holding both her hands and her gaze. There was a prayer in her explanation and with every word, Clarke found clarity on what she now worries about as well. “I doubt he has any humanity left in him.”

“And you? If you kill him?” Clarke challenged. “How much of your humanity goes?”

“How do you know I have any left?”

Clarke did not have a response. At least not one that would make sense to someone who has seen and felt all that Lexa had to live through.

“I told you. I'm not an easy person to love” Lexa declared once more.

She gently released Clarke’s hand and started to bit her good night before quickly walking towards the door.

“And I told you I never had a problem” Clarke called after her.

Lexa paused.

Clarke decided that in that instant that there was no way Lexa would be leaving the room that night. She walked towards the bed and stayed behind the side away from Lexa. She fidgeted with a pillow before eyeing the confusion on Lexa’s face.

“Lexa” Clarke breathed nervously.

“What?”

Clarke shifted her weight. Standing next to the bed was a bad idea.

In fact, standing was a bad idea, period. She could feel her knees rattle and are surely about to buckle at her own anxiety.

Lexa moved closer to her until there was nothing that separated them but the bed and the unmade sheets.

“Octavia was right, wasn’t she?” Clarke asked. “You've stayed away. For the most part, on purpose.”

“You have been angry” Lexa’s pain shadowed her hushed tone.

“Part of me didn’t know how not to be.”

“I know.”

Clarke sought out Lexa’s eyes and pleaded silently for her not to look away.

Lexa obliged.

“You're hurting too.”

“Hmm” Lexa admitted with a shudder.

“But you stayed away.”

“It hurt you to see me.”

They were in whispers now and Clarke could not remember how they got there.

They were alone in the room and no one would hear. They had been honest all night but suddenly these last few words were the ones they needed to keep to themselves. There were no cameras or bugs in the entire suite but they secluded themselves in whispers as though afraid that the wind would reveal their secrets.

Clarke watched as Lexa took sluggish and measured steps around the bed.

Towards her.

Even her footsteps, as heavy and unsure as they looked were quiet. As though traveling a few steps should be kept confidential too because if anyone found out, she’s never get to where she wanted to be.

Clarke wanted her closer.

“Does it hurt?” Clarke whispered when Lexa was no less than a step away from her. She felt another tear escape her hold and she followed Lexa’s eyes trace the tear down her cheek. “When you walk away…when you leave, does it still hurt? The way it did in Arkadia? The way you said it did? Does it still hurt?”

Lexa stayed silent, her lips quivering as she watched the tear disappear at Clarke’s neck. She moved closer and Clarke breathed in the ghost of her kiss.

Clarke knew that if Lexa kissed her, she would not stop it anymore. She knew she would not turn away. She knew that she would kiss back and allow for the kiss to deepen into whatever it may develop into.

But Lexa did not kiss her.

Clarke relished in Lexa’s breath gently brushing onto her face. She knew Lexa would not kiss her again after she had pulled away earlier.

Lexa’s grasp was unrelentless on the idea that Clarke was not yet ready to pursue what they thought they had left behind in Arkadia.

Clarke placed sure hands on Lexa’s hips and pulled her gently towards her. She tilted her head and kissed Lexa’s quivering lips with wordless adoration. She felt herself smile when Lexa’s shock finally dissolved and her lips parted in response to Clarke’s declaration.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

Clarke gasped in every kiss they exchanged. She conveyed it in every way she could save for speaking them out loud.

The actual words will eventually manifest themselves but she was no longer in a rush to bare them out tonight.

Tonight, they were exposed enough.

Lexa tenderly held her head back, snapping Clarke out of the spell only Lexa’s kisses had ever put her into.

“Would you want me to still…stay away?” Lexa asked, her voice cracking with emotion.

Clarke smiled at her, pressing their foreheads together. She chuckled at how Lexa stood still, serious in waiting for a response.

The Commander of Blood is nothing, if not thorough, in everything she does and in everything she is. Even if that meant missing hints as plain as the lips that kissed her nose just now.

 Clarke took a deep breath and reached for the pillow she was fiddling with earlier. She pressed it onto Lexa’s chest. She grinned with playful mischief at the challenge she basically just issued before sitting on the bed and settling under the covers.

Lexa stared blankly at her.

Clarke patted the empty space beside her and raised an eyebrow, daring Lexa to still miss this hint.

Lexa accepted the offer without another word.

_Tonight, souls are bare._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it through this chapter. I'm sorry if it is not enough to compensate for the lack of updates. I truly did give it my all during my time away to mend myself. Do let me know if you would prefer a shorter update for the next chapter. It is nearly finished but I have to make a decision on where to end it. Please leave me comments which would help me decide on the matter as well as those freely expressing your honest opinions on where this story turned. I really am sorry for the wait. I aim to have the next post after Christmas but definitely before NYE. All comments are welcome and thank you for sticking with this fanfiction.


	14. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrows are never promised. As someone who has seen death all throughout her life, beginnings are a day-to-day thing for Lexa. Looking beyond the war is a tomorrow she cannot guarantee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long and hardly edited.

(Lexa’s POV)

Lexa stirred at the sound of distant footsteps. She shielded her eyes from the stray light coming from the balcony, only to be reminded that she does not have a view of the sunrise from her room. She smiled to herself when her hands fell on the sleeping figure curled up next to her. It is almost impossible to believe that just a few nights ago, she worried if Clarke would ever sleep soundly through the night. She knows all too well that nightmares do not just end because you found someone to share a bed with.

But Clarke slept through non-stop kisses and soft purrs of “stay the night.”

Lexa smiled at the thought. The two of them managed to get over the awkwardness of being fully awake, fully clothed and fully aware of what sharing the bed meant and what it could lead to. But it was only after the kisses have grown lazy, some pieces of clothing shed to the floor and the breathing turned even that Clarke kept muttering “stay the night.” Lexa would, of course, keep whispering her promises that she was not going anywhere. Later, when they have both dozed off, Clarke repeated the words again and Lexa teased her by asking if she was only ever allowed to stay that night.

Clarke had woken up with a frown, utterly confused of what was going on. Lexa laughed and reminded her what had happened.

“Stay” Clarke whispered sleepily when the initial jolt subsided.

Lexa nodded and kissed her before pulling her closer.

They spent the rest of the night tangled up in each other before Lexa must have finally fallen asleep in the early hours of dawn.

She sighed as she heard the footsteps again. If she concentrates hard enough, she could probably identify who was intending to wake her or Clarke up. The voices were hushed enough that she could not tell if there was a discussion or an argument outside. She pulled the sheets over Clarke, making sure that whoever would dare enter will not find anything worth gossiping about.

Besides, the Commander of Blood in bed with Arkadia’s Chancellor’s daughter was already too much unwanted talk.

Lexa smirked when she heard the door knob turn. She knew exactly who it was before Octavia even stepped into the room. She sat up in bed, resting her back on Clarke’s headboard, gently stroking Clarke’s stray hair as she made sure that her movement did not wake her.

Octavia lingered by the door before making her way at the foot of the bed, eyes ecstatically amused as they are poorly surprised.

 

“Whoa” she pronounced with a grin that courts danger.

“Octavia.”

Octavia gave a pathetic attempt at wolf-whistling before just shaking her head.

“I did not expect this” she said, casually. “Well, I did. Just not this morning.”

Lexa stared at her in silence. She lost the smirk or the smile she wore earlier and let allowed the calmness granted by last night flow into patience. It seems that it would now be a constant for her and Octavia to separate the duality of the nature of their relationship. Today, as much as the scene from an outsider suggests a friend just walked in on her friends in bed after what can easily be presumed as a good night, Lexa is making it a point to remind their guest just who she is.

Even if Octavia is the best friend of the girl she’s in bed with.

Even if Lexa is hiding the fact that under the covers, she has yet to locate her sweatpants.

Octavia studied the stoicism and authority she has grown to admire on Lexa’s face.

“Good morning, Commander” she said in attention, still stifling a chuckle.

Lexa felt herself wanting to roll her eyes at just how childish Octavia identified what lay before her. She sighed and Octavia lost hold of her first batch of giggles.

“It is not what it looks like” Lexa had to point out.

“I don’t really mind if it is”

Lexa allowed Octavia to get a hold of herself and return to a respectable stance before continuing with presenting a defense she was not even obliged to give.

“It’s not.”

“Understood, Commander.”

Lexa watched as Octavia tried her best not to break eye contact. The fact that she struggled revealed that no, things were not understood.

“Did you need something?”

“Are you both clothed?” Octavia fought off her second round of absurd laughter.

“Octavia, get to it.”

Octavia gulped away her amusement and turned as serious as she could possibly muster.

I need a word with Clarke, Commander.

“I do not want to wake her—“

“She’s that tired?”

“Octavia” Lexa warned sternly.

“Sorry” Octavia immediately retreated to a more formal tone. She cleared her throat, as if shedding away the sense of familiarity and turning off her more playful side. “It’s nothing to worry about. I just wanted a word before I disappear into my classes and well, apparently I am heading out of town. I just wanted to give her a heads up.”

“Out of town?”

Octavia half-nodded and half-shrugged, a habit of hers which Lexa has observed she does when she is not sure whether she should divulge more information or not. Lexa gave her another stern look while reaching over and gently rubbing Clarke’s back as she stirred.

“I believe Indra is waiting for you outside” Octavia muttered, looking away, feeling as though she has intruded into personal space more than she should have.

“Roan?”

“I think so.”

“Are you not at least bit curious?”

“Roan may not be on top of my curiosities this morning, Commander.”

“He should be” Lexa said quietly, pursing her lips. “You want to be the best of your class, Octavia? Focus.”

“Oh, trust me I am trying, Commander”

Lexa finally rolled her eyes as Octavia was starting to smile again, although this time, apologetically. She sighed but did not push through with the full force of the lecture she really wanted to give. Instead she, waited for a few silent moments to pass in the room. It allowed for her to think about possible scenarios of the report regarding Roan. It also made Octavia slightly uncomfortable to just stand there staring at her Commander and her best friend in bed.

When Lexa surveyed Octavia again, she involuntarily smiled in appreciation at how someone on her first month or so in the Academy has managed to maintain some semblance of dignity in a situation they are not trained to handle. She could fault Clarke, her friends and even her people for a lot of things, but as Lexa watches Octavia closely, she could not find fault in the level of respect or class of loyalty their friendship has.

She wondered to herself if Clarke would see the same thing about her an Anya. Or perhaps there is an overwhelming show of formality, duty and hierarchy in that situation. Being with Clarke makes her think of these kinds of questions and she has yet to decide if this newfound sentimentality will bear anything of good use.

“She should be your focus” Lexa broke the silence, cocking her head towards Clarke. “If you want to be her royal guard, her concerns should be yours as well.”

“Royal guard is an outdated term” Octavia replied off-handed. “And I don’t need to be so to make her concerns as my own, Commander. But yes, duly noted and will be complied with.”

Lexa opened her mouth to remind Octavia of just why her studies and training at the Academy are different and more structured when Clarke stirred right next to her. She found herself amused at the girl’s ability to jolt up at bed and take in every bit of detail in her surroundings, lie back down, cover her head with a pillow before speaking again.

“Why are you two awake?” Clarke grumbled from behind her pillow.

“It’s six in the morning” Lexa and Octavia answered at the same time, tone heavy with the implication that it was already late.

Clarke must have gotten hint of the tone even in her sleepy daze because she slowly turned to face them both. She gave Octavia an almost warning smile not to say anything to which Octavia only slightly scoffed at.

“Hi” Clarke turned to Lexa with a smile that makes Lexa wonder why she even bothered watching the sun rise earlier.

“Hello.” Lexa replied timidly.

“Heeeey.” Octavia croaked playfully.

“Hey, O” Clarke chuckled at the evident change on Lexa’s expression. “You have time for breakfast?”

“Why, how hungry are you?”

“Octavia” Lexa snapped a final warning.

“Sorry, Commander. Quick word, Clarke?”

Clarke turned to Lexa, inquiring how they should proceed.

It was, again, new to her. She had been used to Clarke simply deciding for the both of them, whether it was about a date or a conversation or how to handle bigger issues around them. For the most part, that was because she was not sure what lines she could draw and cross with the daughter of another head of state. It worked until it didn’t.

As much as she could, Clarke respected her schedule and availability but the biggest point of contention in their relationship is on how to handle things.

Lexa narrowed her eyes at Clarke testily. Clarke smiled back at her, with a dare. She was asking for permission. She was merely allowing Lexa to call the shots.

Another first.

No one simply “allows” the Commander to call the shots. She calls the shots precisely because she is the Commander.

But Lexa thought better than to point this out. All she had to do was look at how she and Clarke were barely separated by the sheets to be reminded that everything has changed from last night. Perhaps the political decisions will still be played out in debates while something as simple as who stays in the room -her or the best friend - can be decided without a fuss.

“Give us a few minutes, Octavia. In private. I’ll sign you off from morning drills. Wait with Indra outside” Lexa quickly relayed.

“Indra’s outside my door?” Clarke asked, slightly alarmed. “Why? Is it Roan?”

Lexa threw Octavia an I-told-you-so look at Octavia before turning to assess how worried Clarke was.

“Nah, it’s cause the Commander spent the night over” Octavia commented.

Clarke turned red but Lexa caught a look in her eyes betraying her worries more than her embarrassment. Lexa eyed Octavia one final warning, heavy with intent to actually punish her if she speaks out of line once more. Octavia did not need telling twice. She bowed slightly at her and gave a single wave at Clarke before exiting hurriedly.

As soon as the door shut, Lexa pulled the covers off of her and walked towards the edge of the bed where she found her sweatpants. She smirked at Clarke’s shirt before picking it up and handing it to Clarke. She did not bother hiding the fact that her eyes lingered a little too long at Clarke’s semi-exposed breasts.

Clarke put the shirt on over her bra and scolded her with a bashful smile.

“She totally thinks we did it” she told Lexa.

Lexa picked up Clarke’s boxers and handed it over with a frown. Clarke’s smile was infectious even if she did not entirely understand the amusement behind it. She watched as Clarke swung her legs out of the bed but remained seated as though she did not plan to leave the room.

“I made it clear to her that this is not what it looks like”

Clarke just shook her head at her before finally getting up and walking to the bathroom.

Lexa stood in the middle of the room, mostly dressed with her clothes from last night, and stared at the small strip of the hall Clarke disappeared to. She could hear her chuckle along with the running water from the sink.

“What?” Lexa called out, rooted on the same spot.

She debated whether she should follow her into the bathroom but considering how their night went, she was not sure that was a liberty afforded to her. No matter how much has changed since she decided knock on Clarke’s door.

“You do not know Octavia very well”

Lexa agreed. But she has gotten to know Octavia enough to trust that no words will escape her lips regarding the scene that she found in Clarke’s bedroom.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Last night…”

Clarke came out of the bathroom, wiping her fresh face with a towel. She stopped just a few steps from Lexa, the worry in her eyes different from the one she wore earlier. Lexa tried a reassuring smile to convey that she does not regret being with her. She wanted to be clear that she does not regret…her. Whether or not the smile was actually achieved, Lexa had enough reason to sigh a little when she saw Clarke relaxed. There was still unease – as though she knew Lexa could discount their personal breakthroughs – but the familiar resolve started to ascend in her sky blue eyes.

“You make me happy” Clarke said with an earnest certainty enough to knock Lexa off her feet. “Last night made me happy.”

“Good” Lexa managed to choke out.

It was much easier to bare out her feelings, her fears and her past in the cover of night. It was easier still to keep telling Clarke that she won’t ever leave or push her away again, when their bodies were pressed together and the covers provided a sanctuary from the realities going on around them.

“I –“ she continued, her voice hitching a little when Clarke stepped closer towards her with a smile she could only imagine to have descended from the skies as grace from the universe. “I – I was not—I was not taking advantage of you. Nor did I have the intention—“

Lexa noticed Clarke’s slight impatient regard before swiftly grabbing her by the waist and capturing her still talking lips with a kiss. She smiled into the kiss and when Clarke noticed it in an instant, she smiled too.

“Good morning, Commander”

“Good morning” Lexa whispered, placing one hand on Clarke’s face and another at the small of her back. She pulled her tighter towards her and leaned in for another, more proper and gentler kiss.

Lexa had spent the night kissing her but just like baring out truths, it was different in the morning. It was more real. More exposed. If possible, it felt truer. Like this was not a dream. Like this was not the night and its minions playing games with them. The sun was up, Polis was awake, and she was holding the woman of her dreams, kissing her simply because she could.

And Clarke was no longer pulling away. If she believed her for her more, and Lexa was inclined to believe her to the fullest now, there was no longer any anger as well.

Today. This morning. This could be the restart she wanted when she was leaving Arkadia.

This could be their new beginning.

Lexa broke the kiss off first and she heard Clarke whimpered softly. She kissed her nose before fondly tracing Clarke’s jaw with the back of her fingers as she pulled away.

“And I know you weren’t taking advantage of me”

Lexa felt herself blush. She bowed her head, nodding as she suddenly found interest with the carpet. She sighed in dramatic contentment when Clarke moved to make the bed.

“You remember when you hung out with my friends that one night on the roof?” Clarke asked as she fixed the bed. “I remember I thought your self-control was rather off the charts. Last night pretty much confirmed it.”

Lexa’s jaw slacked sluggishly. She kept her frown to herself, not that Clarke would notice. She recalled the events of last night. They kissed for what felt like hours. Clarke kissed the side of her mouth, where the pain of her injuries still throbbed. Clarke kissed every surface she could get her lips on and what astounded her the most, Clarke allowed herself to be kissed…all over. When it became apparent to Lexa that she has quite ran out of skin, she tugged the hem of Clarke’s shirt for permission which was duly given.

Lexa has never been drunk before. She was neither a lightweight nor heavy drinker. She has had her fair share of alcohol-driven nights but she never found herself drunk. At least not enough to make her black out or act out. Anya used to joke that it’s her Commander’s Blood that prevents her from getting drunk. She thinks it is just because she knows how to pace herself.

Last night, Lexa swore she got drunk for the first time.

If it was at all possible to be heavily intoxicated with someone’s touch, their breath on your skin, the taste of their lips on yours and the music ringing from in-synced hearts, Lexa found herself thinking why had she been sober all this time?

It took every ounce of what remaining functioning brain cells she had to come up for air and sober up in time to stop her hands from wandering beyond Clarke’s thighs.

Clarke looked almost stunned when her thoughts had caught up to her as well. She gave Lexa a smile, buried her face in Lexa’s hair, peppered her neck with kisses but didn’t say anything else. Their legs were already tangled up, their almost bare chests pressed delicately together when Lexa traced the outline of Clarke’s body. She settled her hand on the small of Clarke’s back and drew circles with her fingers.

They both did not say anything and when Clarke adjusted her head, her hand fell on Lexa’s stomach. Lexa felt Clarke’s thumb tap a steady beat on her hard-earned abs. Before finally falling asleep, Clarke had reassured her with a kiss – they were fine.

Now, standing in the room, in the light of day, Clarke’s comment stunned her.

Should she not have stopped? Did she insult Clarke?

Did she imply that she does not want her that way?

Because, she does. Badly. Achingly so.

Clarke looked up from tucking the covers. Lexa blinked at her, unsure whether she should explain last night. The explanation would require a valid excuse and Lexa was not sure “Should we not have discussed this first?” was a good enough consideration. The explanation would also entail her to divulge that yes – she wants to sleep with her. Yes, she wants Clarke – all of Clarke.

Yes – she was scared to even imagine what sex with Clarke would be like.

“Which is a good thing” Clarke hurriedly clarified.

Lexa watched as a minor tinge of panic played out in Clarke’s eyes. She nodded wordlessly, still unsure what she was being told.

“Thank you…for you know, knowing when to…stop.”

Lexa still slack-jawed nodded twice. Clarke studied her with a curious interest and amused pity. Her eyebrows creased in amusement when Lexa finally exhaled the tension of her overthinking.

“Lexa, are you going to be awkward about this?”

“I am an adult, Clarke. Of course not.”

Lexa knew she was already being awkward about it. She wished there was a way to skip this part. She never even had to go through with this part. With anyone. And there was not even anything to be awkward about. Nothing happened and Clarke was obviously in agreement that last night was not the right time for anything to happen.

But acknowledging this also meant that the prospect of sex was definitely on the table.

No, not on the table. It is dangling in the air, between the two of them, and the only person who had said no to it was Lexa.

“I fell asleep first again, didn’t I?” Clarke changed the topic.

“Yes”

“Did you get any sleep?”

Lexa remained stoic, her thoughts still at the earlier topic. Clarke prodded her with a soft purr that had rendered her completely defenceless last night.

“Mhmm”

“Are you lying?”

“Mhmm” Lexa admitted.

“You can’t stay up every night watching me sleep and then expect yourself to function all day.”

Lexa smirked at her, playfully refusing Clarke’s offered hand. She shrugged off the patent concern expressed for her.

“Who said anything about every night?”

Clarke’s mouth formed into a perfect O, giving off a mocking look of horrified shock. Lexa heard her own laughter bounce off the walls.

That was new too.

She should make a list of the new things this morning has brought her.

Lexa reached over to hold Clarke’s hand she was waved away. The fake anger on Clarke’s face made her laugh again. She pulled Clarke in an embrace and raised an eyebrow at her, challenging her to break free from the hug. When there were no protests, she leaned in for an apologetic kiss.

“You know what? Fine” Clarke lamented. “You can sleep in your own room tonight.”

Lexa resigned herself to a weak smile before resting her forehead’s on Clarke. She realized that was a joke but it might prove prophetic. She breathed heavily, tensed from the incoming onslaught of a hectic schedule and critical months ahead. She tried to remain unfazed, knowing that Clarke was basically attuned to her sentiments now just as she is all-too familiar to the pace by which Clarke’s moods run.

Clarke’s hand moved to her shoulders and rubbed them soothingly.

“Unless, you’re leaving?”

“Anya is arriving tonight. I believe we have a security briefing. I don’t know what time I will be back.”

“I see.”

Lexa blinked at Clarke, willing her to forfeit fantasies of this being easy.

Their lives will always be faster than their whims and their duties harsher than what their feelings would wish. She considered for a moment bringing Clarke with her on her travels but that would defeat the reason why she was kept in Polis. She deliberated whether she should cancel some of her meetings if that meant that they could continue to sort out their relationship but doing so would only prove her council’s fears that Clarke distracts her. And then there was still this argument in her head on how much Clarke should even know about her day’s work considering that she was a foreign head of state’s daughter.

The reality of who they are set in as quickly as the sun sets out.

“Do you have anything for today?” she asked.

“I have rehab wing duties this morning then just catching up on schoolwork this afternoon. I’m behind on a lot of readings” Clarke replied, seeking her eyes out. “Hey, it’s okay. You have to go. Don’t worry about it.”

“Hmm”

“I planned on staying in today anyway. Unless. You know. Roan.”

Roan.

His recovery or lack of would prove another point of contention.

Lexa does not want Clarke back in that hospital until they find out who poisoned Roan. She does not even want her near Roan at all. And there was still the matter of why he requested for the Commander mere hours before being dosed with an unknown poison. She knew Clarke would understand these reasons but the clear worry on her eyes said that no amount of understanding will stop her from coming to see him.

“I will come get you if it is good news.”

“What is good news?”

Lexa tilted her head in question. Was that a slight? What did Clarke just imply?

“I was joking, Lexa”

Lexa grunted.

“You should know. He asked to see me before he was poisoned” she admitted. “I would want a word with him before you can see him”

“Should I worry about what he was going to tell you?”

“I cannot be sure.”

“Are you worried?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I do not know what it is yet” Lexa shrugged her response to which Clarke made a face.

“Are you going to tell me what you’ll talk to him about?”

“If he can talk at all?”

Clarke nodded.

“I will assess the nature of its confidences.”

“Fair enough. And you still won’t let me go with you and just get this over with? Not even when I found what could have helped him?”

Lexa grinned at how this girl just would not back down.

“I will come pick you up so you may have your private audience with him should he be fit enough.”

“I can just meet you there” Clarke suggested.

“I will come to pick you up.”

Lexa’s tone was stern. Hard. Authoritative.

A lot of things may be discussed today but not the subject of Clarke’s freelance visit to Roan. This was one thing should could neither allow nor entrust to anyone else. There were far too many variables to consider and this relationship has proven far too precious to risk over a man she has yet to consider trusting.

Clarke could not have missed the severity in the tone which clearly commands that Roan was still a forbidden concept. She nodded without argument and Lexa could not help but compare it to earlier when Clarke left the Octavia situation for her to handle.

There is a shift and Lexa found herself to be unsure if she can pinpoint the differences.

“You will come pick me up” Clarke repeated with a nod. She kissed her on the cheek and smiled, letting her know that she had resigned willingly to this arrangement. “You should get going then. Don’t let me keep you.”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed suspiciously at her.

“Okay.”

“Lexa. You can go. I’m fine. I promise”

Clarke assured her with a slight push.

Lexa blinked at her, her mind still trying to figure out what the shift was. There was something different with how Clarke had put the decisions in her hands and how eerily distinctive her reactions to each were. She wondered which decisions were to be discussed and which she had free reign on. She knew that Clarke respects her as Commander but even with Octavia – a cadet and a best friend – lines were blurred.

Roan was even trickier.

And yet, Clarke did not fight her on this. Even if Lexa could clearly see the desperation in Clarke’s eyes to see him, which she technically has the right to and has earned the courtesy of, considering she did do the research for his cure.

What was different?

Which part of these conversations were deferred to Lexa the Commander and which were shared, if not conceded to, with the girl she slept with last night?

“Lexa?” Clarke squeezed her shoulder. “Lexa.”

“Yes?” Lexa broke out of her trance only to fall into another one cast by Clarke’s puzzled smile.

“Why are you being awkward?”

Lexa shrugged.

“What is wrong with you?” Clarke asked testily.

Lexa recognized immediately that Clarke already knew what was wrong with her. She was simply giving her a chance to admit it.

“This is new to me” she did, at last.

“A good new, I hope?”

“Yes. Of course. I just could not grasp its complete implication”

Clarke chuckled.

“You’re cute when you’re awkward” she said.

Lexa scoffed. She felt her cheeks turning red and immediately started walking towards the door, the sound of Clarke’s chuckles ringing in her ears.

“I will leave now” she said, trying to sound annoyed.

“Be safe!”

Lexa stopped and turned around at Clarke, a baffled look of soft appreciation escaping her stoic hold. She furrowed her eyebrows as she tried to memorize the way Clarke looked. She was not sure how busy she would be and when the next she would see her or talk to her. She was only sure that she needed this image of her imprinted in her mind if she were to last the day without questioning everything that happened last night.

Clarke smiled at her as though she understood that maybe when Lexa leaves, she never used to have anyone left behind.

Lexa grew worried that she would have someone waiting for her. Someone troubled by the nature of her work. She started to come up with words to tell Clarke that she does not expect her to assume to dutiful partner role. She only ever expects her to be safe in her absence.

Clarke strolled towards her and gave her a small, almost trivial and barely significant peck on the lips.

“Don’t think too much, Commander. I’ll still be here when you get back.”

Lexa hummed, unsure of what to do with the drumming in her chest. When Octavia greeted her again outside Clarke’s room, she remembered the conversation they had when they went away.

_Clarke is who you go home to after the war._

Lexa exhaled her settled contentment. She may not know how long she will be away from the Tower, but part of her cannot wait to find out how it would be to come home to someone.

Indra and Gus were conferring in whispers and that prompted Lexa to stop whatever daydreams she may have cheated herself into.

“Commander, I ask for permission to take leave” Indra announced. “In your charge, of course.”

Lexa followed Indra’s warning gaze at the end of the hall and found handful of soldiers and one or two officers. They were from her private army, all under Indra’s command. This gave away just how serious the morning would get. It also implied that Indra had assembled the few people she would bring with her in the sudden need to leave.

Lexa walked with Indra in silence. They took the stairs and waited until Gus and the rest of the soldiers fell behind their hells before Indra seemingly relaxed her request and asked how her night was.

“Better than most” Lexa admitted.

“Does she know you have nightmares too?”

“Mine have silenced”

Indra studied her but did not say anything. They kept descending the endless flights of stairs and in the silence, Lexa could hear the whispers from behind Gus.

“Do they know?” she asked Indra.

“Where you spent the night?”

“Yes.”

“If they do, they are bound not to speak of it” Indra assured her.

“And the generals who still have eyes on Clarke?”

“I will check”

“Don’t” Lexa waved. She stole a quick peek at how pensive Indra was and decided that there were more pressing concerns. “They already saw her at the games. I suspect Octavia came to tell Clarke something important?”

“I plan to take her with me.”

Lexa waited for the explanation as to why. Octavia has already gone with Indra to a few domestic trips and have stood in her place to some official events. The liberty as to which occasions the young apprentice would go to was left completely to her mentor and that was how Lexa wants it to remain. Unless she was being taken to an active warzone without yet completing her training.

“Trihaven.”

It was a place Lexa knows too well. She did not need to ask why Indra wanted to see to whatever the new problem was personally. What worried Lexa was that Trihaven is an incredibly well-protected and thriving town, with one of their bigger brigades positioned in its forests. It was strategically placed in the highlands and has been relatively inactive for the past few decades, making it a perfect place to send young troops for reflective retreats and basic survival trainings.

“I have received word last night. The fighting have reached the boundary line. They will enter the valleys in a day or two. Perhaps less. From then, they should have enough room to seize to the town proper. Perhaps the army.”

“There is a base there.”

“I have already issued an order for the active troops to defend the border. I have sent reinforcements but if the reported timeline is accurate, they might run late.”

Lexa tapped her temple, recalling how many soldiers were in Trihaven.

“Cadets?”

“I would rather they stay in town. Last line of defense.”

Lexa was inclined to agree but it would be a waste to put such young and unready talents in the battleground. They would fight to their deaths but the fact that Trihaven might fall is indication enough that the odds are against them. Their deaths would run vain.

“Send a plane to evacuate women and children. And the cadets.”

“Commander—“

“Unless the evacuation is too late, then we must double our forces to retain our hold.”

Indra exhaled sharply but nodded. She turned to one of the soldiers behind Gus, summoned him and relayed the orders before barking after him to move faster. Lexa pursed her lips, rapt in how tensed and anxious her General was. She kept her thoughts to herself, knowing that pointing out Indra’s rare display of emotion would not solve the uprising nor would it fill in the many missing pieces of the war marching towards them.

“Who are they?” Lexa asked as they walked yet again down the stairs.

“Rebels.”

“Which ones?”

“They have no allegiance to any nations, Commander. Scattered, unnamed, unclaimed. The numbers are surprising.”

Lexa stopped at the next landing and glanced at the empty hallway. There was no such thing as a completely empty hallway. Not when both friends and foes lurk but she found herself unable to care about discretion nor did she have enough energy to summon self-control.

“Why did I spend the last meeting listening to debates over Roan’s conditions and my relationship with Clarke when one of my key strategic towns is this close to being sieged by rebels of unknown source?!” she bellowed, her thundering voice echoing all over the corridor.

Lexa eyed Indra with the severest of unhinged passions, conveying her perfect ire. Indra froze on her feet while Gus and the rest of the soldiers retreated a few steps up the stairs. Lexa fumed again, this time with a little more composure as she tried to reconcile just how badly her people have been slacking. They were nowhere near figuring out who attacked the Chancellor’s Mansion, they have yet to narrow down a valid motive of why Clarke was kidnapped, Roan was poisoned under their very noses and one of their community bastions is in peril all while the Council she trusts to deliver on her job has been busy gossiping about the girl that shares her bed.

Indra could read all of these in Lexa and the Commander herself did not hold back from hiding that her frustrations are at their highest.

“I sent some of our troops to stop them just beyond the border” Indra explained in repentant stance. “I wanted your focus on the tournament to be undivided, Commander. I thought it best that maintained your image amidst the talks. I understand now that was mistake.”

“If you need to leave the tower and the capital, it was more than a mistake, Indra!” Lexa snapped.

Indra agreed with a silent bow. Lexa took off down the stairs again, not slowing down for her posse to catch up. Her faithful general gave her the space she needed to think through the situation and when her steps returned to normal pace, joined her side wordlessly.

“What do we know?”

“Just that they have taken the outer towns. They have set up small scattered camps a few miles from the border. No deaths as of last night. Only that they loot for weapons, food and…manpower.”

“Hostages?”

“I believe they are to be trained for their causes.”

Lexa’s eyes flickered in irritation at this ploy. While she may be faulted for a lack of affection for her troops, she is nothing if not protective and possessive of their beings.

“Have Intelligence ready for me by noon. Take all the men you need.”

“That will not be necessary, Commander. I have already sent reinforcements. For my delegation, a squad and Octavia will do”

“Indra” Lexa cautioned her with every bit of concern and sincerity as her current enraged state would permit. “This was your home. Take all the men you need. Take what supplies you must. Check on the base and make sure the armory and medical units are prepped for a siege.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa allowed Indra to survey her. They have made it to one of the tower’s garages where an unmarked Hummer was waiting for her. She could tell that Indra’s worry over her hometown was starting to dwindle into a general unease that the Commander has gone soft.

 “I was a stranger to my own home, Indra” Lexa reminded her. “You made it less so until it became what it is now. This is not sentimentality. It is only just.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa sat in the back of the car, leaving the door open. Gus entered on the other side, sitting beside her just as quietly. She felt him tense up when they saw a group of cadets arrive for guard duty. Lexa knew he was reacting to the fact that they wore a blue badge around their arm, indicating that they were Arkadian students, sent to Polis to study.

Lexa eyed Gustus and turned away, eyes focused ahead.

“Now, for Roan” Lexa dropped her voice. “How worried should I be, Indra?”

“He is stable and responsive. He is still very weak and goes in and out of sleep but for the most part, safe.”

“For the most part?”

“They do not know how much damage the poison has done to his system. Or how long its effects will last. The doctor said he was not supposed to survive it.”

“Nobody plans an unsuccessful murder, Indra.”

Indra moved closer to the open door, her eyes filled with intrigue.

“They have tried this antidote before” she whispered in such a low voice that Lexa had to lean her ear closer to her lips. “On another patient. They were unsuccessful. It is in the notes the Chancellor sent you. She worked on this herself.”

“I know.”

“You have spoken?”

“You implied as much the last time we discussed whether we should tell her or not.”

“I see.”

Indra pulled back, mind racing with how to present this key information to Lexa after finding her in Clarke’s bedroom that day.

“Talk” Lexa ordered her in a tired voice. “Whatever it is will not change no matter how long you stall.”

“There was no name of the original patient. Just initials.”

Lexa blinked at her impatiently.

“J.G.”

Lexa never asked about the initials.

She did not need to.

“He asked for you” the head physician greeted Lexa.

“He can talk.”

“That was the only time he spoke.”

Lexa’s eyes turned grave as she surveyed the patient lying behind the door. She walked inside and as soon as the other doctors saw her, they dropped what they were doing and stood in attention. She saw Roan was awake and managed to flinch at the sight of her.

“Leave us” Lexa ordered calmly.

The doctors piled out of the room in silence, the last of them handed Lexa a medical chart. Her medical knowledge was limitied to first aid and survival but she could recognize basic lab results. She glanced at Roan, comparing the data with the actual state of the man who lay awake but motionless in front of her.

“You need not speak if it pains you” she said, moving closer towards his bed but still maintaining a safe distance.

Roan struggled to move and Lexa realized that he still has not gotten his full strength back. He could barely move his shoulders without cringing in pain. She stepped closer towards him and with a look, sternly told him to stop fussing.

“Does my…mother know?” Roan croaked in a heavy breath.

Lexa stared at the chart again, hoping she could find anything that relates to Roan’s cardio-pulmonary condition but that was already far beyond her medical grasp. She set the chart on the table and edged towards him instead. He was not in the best form to hold a conversation, much less attack her. Besides, she can barely hear him as it is.

“No. As far as we know, she does not” she replied.

“She must…not.”

“You asked for me while jailed. You said you have information. Is that why you asked for me when you woke up?”

Roan gulped and Lexa saw how much pain that caused him. She waited patiently as he tried to regain his speech faculties and power through the pain. As she watched him struggle, she found her thoughts declaring an involuntary plan to punish with the harshest of deaths the culprit behind this man’s sufferings.

Not even her worst enemies deserve to live a life with such torturous conditions.

Death would be welcome than having to live through the pain that Roan suffers.

“Clarke. Clarke…is in…danger” Roan mumbled

“Her captors have been neutralized.”

“Not all died.”

“Correct.”

Roan took a deep, painful breath to brace himself for a longer conversation. Lexa reached for the cup of water on his bedside table but he shook his head with equal trepidation, mumbling that his throat can’t handle too much water just yet.

“When we were…being…processed in your –your --- underground facility, the man—he was—delirious. He said… he has placed….a – a spy --- within… your walls. Close to you. Close to…her.”

Lexa suspected that the tight knot forming in her chest was less about the manner this piece of news was being delivered to her but more that such a news exists. She stayed quiet, processing what reasons Roan would have to lie to her. She could not come up with valid ones. She doubted that a man is tortured with every word uttered by him would waste this pain to lie.

She reserved her thoughts, seeing that Roan has more to say.

“I suspect – my -- mother funds the…rebels.”

“Not entirely news, now is it?”

Roan managed a bitter smile before exhaling in shallow takes.

“I know…who tried…to – to-- kill me.”

Lexa blinked at him. When he didn’t try speaking again but spent the next few seconds studying how she reacted to what he said, she reclaimed her earlier suspicions that he was feeding her bad intel.

“Your advisor…came to see…me. Warned me –to – to…know where my…place…is” Roan closed his eyes, a tear falling down his temples.

He tried moving, as though wanting to sit up, but that only made him groan in more pain. He finally opened his eyes and glanced at the cup of water earlier offered. Lexa assisted him with one gulp before he begged it off. She saw how he was not exaggerating about how he responds to drinking water.

It must have taken him a full minute or more to swallow it all down.

“Which advisor?” Lexa asked him when he seemed to have calmed down from the pain.

Roan smiled weakly at her as he attempted a shrug. His eyes suddenly went a little too unfocused and instead he gazed off into the blank walls around him. His shoulders relaxed for a split second before going completely slacked.

“Roan?”

“The...rebels…are my…mother’s—her—her…pawns” Roan labored once more, his eyes still into the distance. “But…your…real…real –your real--- danger…might…not be…outside…your…walls”

Lexa rushed down to her knees, so her eyes and ears could be at level with Roan’s. She searched his face for some signs that he was lying but all she found were warnings that Roan might be losing consciousness soon. She tried to steer him back to what had caught the gravest of her unease.

“Roan, which adviser?”

“I know…her…ploy. She…wants me…dead. But…not…before she…can…use…me.”

Lexa sighed. Roan was on a spiral and all she could do was keep track of all his mumblings. She grabbed hold of his arm and noted how unresponsive he was to the contact. “You said she was not to know you were poisoned”

“She…must not…know…I – I --- I…survived.”

“Your mother did not try to kill you, Roan. Even she is not as evil.”

“My death – reason to – to – attack…you.”

“She is on the move anyway” Lexa almost scoffed. She sought out Roan’s focus and asked him which advisor of hers came to see him but he only went about his own train of thoughts. Lexa resigned to believing that he was fighting to stay awake and coherent long enough to relay what he had wanted to tell her anyway.

“Azgeda has…been…silent” he stressed. “The Cold Mountains stirs…with…rebels. Not…my…people.”

“What do you know about the rebels?”

“Waiting…for the…spies. Wait—to…confirm a…point of…entry”

Roan heaved a weighted breath and closed his eyes. Lexa stood up, taking in his features now that he was confined to suffer the consequences of a decision she had lobbied for. She has never regretted voicing out against Roan’s execution and to this day, she cannot think of any acceptable reason on why he should die.

His pain, however, almost warrants a wish for death.

Roan whispered again that spies were coming.

“To where? For what?” Lexa urged him.

“Clarke.”

Lexa turned instinctively at the door to check if they were still alone. Every time Clarke is brought into a conversation, it is always a game-changer.

“She…is…possessed…of---information--- information---  they are…afraid—afraid, so, so—afraid—afraid ----- would…will…reach…you. Your…closeness…is…dangerous.”

“Is that why they kidnapped her?”

“Test. They knew…you would…not—not—give…in their…demands” Roan opened his eyes, met Lexa’s then his gaze trailed off again. He coughed slightly and his whole body trembled involuntarily.

The doctors must have heard the monitors go off because they rushed inside the room. Roan shook his head and Lexa understood that he did not need them. She waved off the doctors and held Roan in place herself.

Roan tried smiling gratefully at her when he has calmed down and Lexa released his shoulders.

“Unless” he continued once he had enough breaths in him. “Unless…she is of…irreplaceable…value.”

“She is” Lexa quickly declared.

“To Lexa…maybe. Not to…the…Commander… Not yet.”

Lexa thought about it and remembered her thoughts before leaving Clarke that morning. She always had been very good at compartmentalizing. She knows when Anya is her second-in-command and when she is the pseudo-sister she can always rely on. She knows when Indra was acting for her safety and when she was acting as the mother she never met. For Clarke, she had always thought it would be the same thing. While the feelings, whether acted upon or not, whether entertained or not, are quite remarkably different, she had not approached the duality of her persona any different.

And as their relationship has come to a more significant growth overnight, she had found herself to be inadequate in the matter of compartmentalizing. Is Clarke less important to the Commander of Blood than she is to Lexa?

Has Clarke realized this as well over their conversation last night and has managed to reconcile the difference come morning? Because if their discussions earlier were an indication, it seems Clarke has a better hold of which decisions are for Lexa, which for the Commander and which may be discussed by the two of them.

Lexa decided not to dispute nor agree what Roan pointed out. He is, on the surface, correct. The issue was what lay underneath and Lexa was sure that now was not the time to figure it out just yet.

“Do you know what she knows?” she asked.

“No. They would—would—have…given me a—a –a more…effective…poison…if I did”

“You were not supposed to survive this, Roan.”

It was a grave truth and neither of them had the capriciousness nor energy to challenge it.

“The accident in Arkadia… the one that…claimed the…late—late – the late-- Chancellor… was not…an accident, was it? The fumes at the laboratory… This is…why?”

Lexa bowed her head. It has long been suspect that Clarke’s father did not die in an accident. It was one reason why she never swayed Clarke from questioning the facts and accounts surrounding her father’s death. All she has ever endeavoured was to make sure that Clarke would cease from resenting her mother, no matter the validity of such sentiment. Hearing what Roan alleges only strengthens the rumor which has travelled to every head of state within their alliance.

“Clarke…is..in…in…danger.”

Lexa scowled.

“She does not know anything.”

Roan writhed so he could focus on Lexa’s demeanour. For the briefest of gasps, he managed to show an uncanny sign of feeling sorry for Lexa and perhaps her doomed belief that Clarke will be spared from the assault that fate has in store for them.

“She…is…her parents’…daughter, Commander. You…know better…than – than – than…anyone that—that—blood… You know… that…blood…knows even…if it…is…unaware.”

“Do you think the current Chancellor knew about her husband’s alleged murder?”

“No… Clarke… Clarke knows the—the---key… Keep…her…away.”

Lexa stood as Roan showed stronger signs of drifting out of consciousness. She was ready to leave him, satisfied with what she has heard and was already drafting a plan to discuss with Anya, when Roan fought to open his eyes again. He implored her wordlessly to trust him. She detected a sense of desperation from him. It surprised her as much as it confused her.

Roan had no reason to show this much invested favour upon Clarke’s safety.

“Why the concern for Clarke?” she asked, knowing that she sounded as much suspicious as she was bordering possessiveness.

“She…looked at me… she saw me” Roan, for the first time, managed not to winced in pain when he smiled sadly. “She…saw…not a disgraced…prince or…prisoner of…war or…an – an – an exiled...man with…no shred…of—of--- identity. She…looks at…people and see…worth. Not use. Worth. With…dignity.”

“She is special”

Lexa’s sentiment fell to the silence as Roan succumbed to sleep. She called for the doctors and they said he was fine, under the circumstances. He must have merely passed out due to exhaustion. She took one last look at him and made it very clear that he was not to die. The doctors promised that they would look after him. She ordered for them to do much more than that. They were not only to make sure of his survival. She commanded that he be made comfortable as much as possible.

When she returned to her car, Gus handed Lexa a satellite phone. Indra was already on board the fighter plane that would transport her and Octavia to Trihaven. She decided against telling Indra what Roan told her as Trihaven is a problem which must be handled with the utmost of concentration. When they returned to Trikru Tower, she was informed that the intelligence briefing she wanted was already waiting for her.

Lexa told them to wait as she made her way to the floor which housed the officials of the Special Forces Unit. She dispatched her delegation to their duties and told Gus to wait for her outside Lincoln’s door. She found her brother practically cooing on the phone and nearly turned pale at the sight of her.

“Tell Octavia I need urgent word with you” she told him unemotionally.

Lincoln smiled an embarrassed grin and bid Octavia a quick goodbye, sending his best wished to her first war-related mission.

“What troubles you, Commander?” Lincoln asked as they both sat in leather armchairs and faced each other.

Lexa hastily recounted what Roan told him. She left out the detail regarding Clarke’s importance to her life, knowing fully well that that was something she does not need to explain. Nor can she hide it from Lincoln who had always been more intuitive to emotions than anyone she knows.

Lincoln listened and without any questions, accepted his orders to look into Lexa’s council.

“I know you hate doing this” Lexa said with a hint of an apology.

She is aware how much Lincoln detests side missions which involve him turning into a spy, even if that was the reason why he even accepted the post as the head of the Special Forces Unit. If it were not for the fact that Lexa was poised to become the Commander, he would have gladly become a ranger patrolling warzones instead of being stuck in Polis and Trikru Tower, maneuvering both military tactics and political ones.

Lincoln begged off the sentiment and promised to get to work immediately. He stopped Lexa on her way out, reminding her that he has a trip scheduled for Arkadia in a week for the final joint military operations for the year. He asked if he was to extend an invitation to the Chancellor for a visit.

Lexa raised her eyebrow in confusion.

“Christmas is in two weeks, Commander” Lincoln reminded her.

Lexa frowned. While Polis does celebrate the holidays, she, in particular, has never been festive. Neither has Lincoln though she suspects Octavia has already influence him on the matter. She never even thought about holidays with Clarke, much less her mother being in Polis. This was a glitch in her schedule and considering the circumstances of the brewing war, she may not know how to deal with it.

Lincoln asked if Clarke was going home.

That was out of the question. Especially after the conversation with Roan.

Instead, Lexa gave the order to extend the invitation to the Chancellor and promised to furnish him an official document to present to Abby. She turned to leave, her mind a jumble of sudden sentimentality and a rush of urgency to speak with Anya so they might start addressing the mounting problems in her absence. She also wanted to see Clarke before she starts studying, not wanting to disturb her in the middle of her readings.

Lincoln stepped up to her with a concern frown and a knowing smile when she told him to worry only of his assignments. He smirked at her before putting a hand on the doorknob.

 “You were brilliant at the tournament” Lincoln told her, before kissing her forehead. “Too brilliant you decommissioned one of my best soldiers.”

Lexa returned his smirk and gave a look expressing her silent thank you. They never had a conventional sibling relationship and it was only in recent years that they have gone beyond affording each other the trust and respect afforded to a sibling. Now, Lexa acknowledged that she needs him more than she was willing to admit. And he provides her with a sanctuary even Anya cannot give.

Although, to a third party, they would still be criticized for a certain lack of warmth.

Lexa scoffed at the thought before playfully pushing her brother and trusted soldier away from the door.

“Good day, Commander” Lincoln called after her.

Lexa made her way to her private conference room and sat through an hour of intelligence briefing about the situation in Trihaven. It was worse than how Indra presented it, although far from being hopeless. She immediately ordered for neighbouring towns to be reinforced and stocked with weapons and medical supplies while calling for two of her more mobile battalions to shift direction.

She halted the troops who were gearing for Arkadia to head for Trihaven instead. When prompted with the problem that Arkadia still stood vulnerable to attacks by bandits and rebels, she arranged for a trip to the Cold Mountains. The entire briefing squad in the room with her fell silent. The two generals from her council who lead the Intelligence Unit eyed her cautiously. They both represented opposing spectrums in age and experience. One had served as a lieutenant in her father’s army. One, was only a few years older than her and if the war reaches the borders of Polis, it would be her first one. However, they also are some of the few who have remained neutral and objective regarding Lexa’s personal affairs.

“You would let Arkadia be defenceless, Commander?” the younger one of them asked.

Lexa shook her head. She will see to Arkadia’s security some other way. For now, her soldiers will set their course for Trihaven. It would be a big blow to both countries if Trihaven falls. As for her trip to the Cold Mountains, she does need to explain herself just yet. She only needs their silence on the matter. Once she was sure that they would comply, she dismissed them then proceeded to meet with her economic advisers.

It was in these meetings that she wished Anya was beside her. Lexa’s strategic mind was arguably unparalleled and she was more than aware of this ongoing rumor in Polis. It was one reason why despite having a Council so difficult to please and impress, they have yet to revolt with the way she wages her wars. The economic aspect of keeping a country on its feet and running, however, she equally shared with Anya.

Lexa loved learning in school. She did afterall graduate top of her class in all subjects. She just hated the politics that surrounded the status of a state’s economy. Two hours into the meeting and with no set approvable plan on how to deal with the financial effects the war would cost them, or is already costing them, Lexa called for a break.

“Where is Clarke?” she asked Gus when she exited the room.

Gus checked his watch and grunted that she should be in her room if she managed to stick to her schedule.

“Cadet!” Lexa called to a new cadet stationed to assist the aides in her office. “Get me a line to the Chancellor’s Daughter room.”

Gus gazed at her in mild surprise. Lexa suspected that he was prepared to accompany her to visit Clarke.

“Important meeting” Lexa said defensively.

Gus stepped back without a word when a phone was handed to Lexa.

“Hello” Lexa greeted Clarke, while waving the staff and soldiers, save for Gus, to clear the room.

“Hey. Where are you?”

“Receiving area of my office.”

Clarke scoffed.

“You’re calling me from a few floors up?”

“Hmm.”

“Okay. Busy day then?”

“Yes” Lexa sat on the chair the cadet vacated. She pressed her right hand on the side of her head, giving her temples a soft massage as she heard a bit of screaming from the conference room across her office. From the sounds of it, it would be a longer day.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked after there was a pause on both their sides. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I might see you tonight and we will discuss your request to see our guest.”

“Commander, are you calling me on a non-secure line?” Clarke teased.

Lexa laughed for the first time since she parted from her.

“One can never be too safe. What are you doing?”

“Studying. Or trying to.”

“Hmm. What?”

“What am I studying?”

“Mhmm.”

“Organic Chemistry.”

Lecxa laughed again and pointed out just how excited Clarke sounded.

Clarke chuckled back.

“Don’t mock” she warned. “It’s fun when you’re in the lab. Not so when it’s just you and the book.”

“Would you rather be in the lab then?”

Clarke shuffled from the other end of the line and Lexa knew she heard the implication in the question. She did not let Clarke answer and immediately reminded her the day is looking like one of those which might take a turn towards unending and grim.

Clarke said she can wait. For the visit and for Lexa.

“I would advise against waiting…up” Lexa said quietly and almost hesitantly.

She knew that Clarke had been joking that morning when she told her to sleep in her own room but she still was uncertain on whether she had a standing invitation to see her every night. Which now that another pause has allowed her to contemplate upon it, she realized that it was an absurd question.

This was her Tower. She can spend the night wherever she wanted.

Except that one room.

Lexa sighed and Clarke asked what was wrong again.

“Nothing” Lexa assured her. “I sigh when I think of you.”

Gus bowed his head from where he was standing by the door. Lexa tried not to blush as she expected a chastising from Clarke.

“That should make for a good excuse when your generals ask why they bore you in your countless of meetings then”

Lexa laughed again before letting Clarke know that she has to go back to the meeting she had left. Clarke bid her a hearty ‘see you later’ and she returned to face her economic advisers with a better mood which all of them noticed. She contained her own smirk when she read the confusion on their faces. This might be the first time she was in this kind of meeting with this kind of mood.

An hour later, Anya entered the room and Lexa felt her shoulders relax from the weight of all the decisions she had been presented. Anya spared no time and told her she read all the proposals on the plane. She sorted them out and presented a stack which Lexa must absolutely address and decide upon as soon as possible. The rest, she said, they can discuss further until Lexa feels comfortable with the various modes of action.

Lexa cursed at the fact that she did not do her ‘homework’ last night, delaying this meeting to twice its normal length. Anya watched her carefully as she wrapped her mind around the choices she was facing. Once she finally made a choice, she sighed in relief when Anya winked at her in approval.

“Those were good calls, Commander” Anya told her once the advisers were gone and the two of them started to walk towards the elevator.

“Except, why we are to have a gathering of alliance members in two months while we are being attacked on all fronts today is beyond me” Lexa countered. “Welcome back.”

“Thank you. Why are we bringing all of these reports upstairs?” Anya asked, carrying her share of the pile. “Our offices have computers, Commander. Have we gone backwards in my absence?”

Lexa expressed her concerns about their computers. Until the sweep of all their servers is complete, she will not relay any information or orders regarding Arkadia, the Cold Mountains, Roan and Trihaven online. Anya did not press the matter.

“You look like you have much to tell” Lexa prodded, sitting behind her desk in her bedroom.

Anya gazed out of her window and sighed.

“Much” she said before fixing her eyes on the Commander.

She started narrating how she and Raven travelled to the closest possible spot to where the bomb was being housed. She detailed the terrain, weather and scouted entrances and exits. She pointed out how much of a trooper Raven was, seeing as it was not an easy place to reach nor was it any form of habitable.

Lexa asked if that was why the trip took longer than intended and smirked when Anya said yes. If it were anybody else, Lexa would have given appropriate sanctions. But Anya has never disobeyed orders. And she has never asked for personal time. Nor has she ever been this quick to be smitten with anyone. To flirt with, yes. To bed, yes. But Lexa could tell there was something different with Raven. She was not in a position to question that.

Anya continued her report. The place was secure. It was both a welcome advantage for them to have a perfect location to scout and tap into the facility’s system but it is troubling just how easy Raven managed it.

“How long until you were able to hack inside?” Lexa asked with a frown.

“36 hours. But by then I had already provided codes.”

Lexa waved a hand for her to continue. She wondered which codes Anya gave Raven. She listened as it was relayed to her that for the time that they were there, the physical security of the facility was more than commendable. The team the Chancellor sent were cooperative and did not cause any problems with the soldiers posted there. The only issue they found was that once in a while, when Raven would have the opportunity to check computer lags of the facility, they would see a few missing minutes.

Raven had promised to have a detailed report the next time she called in. When Anya had left, she was already working on codes to pinpoint which station the missing logs were coming from. Lexa could not wait for the next report. She told Anya she wanted a word right now.

For the next hour or so, they tried contacting Raven to no avail. Anya finally left Lexa’s room to get her own computers and by the time she arrived, Lexa had already moved on to planning their defense of Trihaven. She told Anya to keep trying to reach Raven while she reviewed all the materials and data she had about the current situation. Later that evening, she announced that she was ready to with a plan and that the generals should be assembled immediately. Anya left her work and less than an hour later, the two of them were in the secure Situation Room conferring with the generals.

By midnight, Lexa managed to return to her room and relax for a few minutes knowing that her soldiers were now on their way to take their positions to secure or salvage Trihaven. She was about to head down to Clarke’s room when Anya knocked on the door and entered with the biggest frown. She demanded why Lincoln was looking into the Generals and why she and Indra were not on the list.

Lexa told her all about what Roan said and they found themselves in an argument on who should be on the list of people to suspect. Lexa refused to put Anya and Indra on it and Anya insists that if it’s not Lincoln, there should be someone else looking into her and Indra. After what Roan warned, there was no reason not to put every single general in surveillance.

They were at an impasse. Lexa deems it useless. If Anya knows she was being watched, what was the point? Besides, she trusts her. Anya cautions her that she may have unknowingly betrayed her trust and if so, she should not be treated any differently.

“Yes, I understand times are tough!” Lexa bellowed. She was sure she woke half the tower. “That is why I refuse to suspect you or Indra! If I start turning on you, you turn on me and we would be that much closer to pointing are guns at each other and pulling the trigger!”

Anya fell silent. She apologized and that was it. She asked for permission to try and reach Raven again. While she did so, Lexa drafted a letter to send to Ontari. When Anya gave up again because of the poor signal, she handed her the letter.

“This is a risk” Anya said after re-reading it.

Lexa shrugged and that was that. Not too keen on sleeping now, they both reviewed their available troops, her schedule in the next few weeks and some intelligence reports as well as options should this plan be met with oppositions from the generals and from the soldiers in the Cold Mountain. Eventually, by sunrise, Anya had dozed off in an armchair while Lexa finally finished writing what she wanted to send the Chancellor. She shut her laptop close and rubbed the drowsiness off her eyes.

She walked out to her balcony and watched most of Polis still asleep. This side of Polis provides her a full view of the Academy grounds, a handful of barracks, old armories and The Shrine of the Commanders. She remembered that on Clarke’s first few days here, she had wandered off to the Shrine and had turned emotional reading names of previous Commanders. At the time, Lexa was sure Clarke was just homesick. Now she wonders if breakdown had something to do with her as well.

All was quiet below her. In a matter of minutes, the Academy would be buzzing. There will be a change of guard and a few private charter planes will be pulled out of the hangers for some of her generals who travel daily to see their troops.

For now, she can revel in the quiet.

It was another blessing. A newfound solace in the peace that she had so hated and feared before. This was a gift Clarke has unknowingly provided her.

Peace.

As long as it lasts.

Lexa breathed in the morning air with a renewed sense of hope. This is the first morning she had started up feeling sure that mornings from now will be better. Perhaps, the next sleep she wakes up from, and all the sleeps and dawns thereafter, would be with Clarke. She took a peek down the balcony. Clarke’s room is three floors down but is on the other side, which is a good thing, otherwise she would be scaling the walls by now.

She set her eyes on the horizon. There was no rising sun to behold like the previous day. But a part of her, a formidable and ardent part of her has been convinced that shadows in her past and in her life have been cast aside, whether the sun rises or not.

Clarke has always been a welcome warmth. And now, her radiance fills Lexa with an optimism and purpose she thought she would never experience.

She feels again.

Clarke’s light makes her feel and the world would be a covetous audience if they knew the vastness of her soul’s and heart’s stirring.

“Commander?” Anya called sleepily from inside.

Lexa turned to find Anya looking as relieved as she was sleepy.

“Raven” Anya said pointing to one of their private computers set up in the room.

“Why could we not reach her last night?”

“Storm. Should I leave?”

Lexa glanced at the waiting computer then back at Anya before going back inside.

Her peace has ended.

“Set up a private trip to the hospital before regular hours” she instructed Anya with very little deliberation. She needed a word with Raven, without the possibility of Anya having to influence what will be said. “Have someone inform Clarke. I will see her after my talk with Raven.”

“Yes. Commander”

“Anya.”

“Yes?”

Lexa exhaled sharply. She walked over to her second-in-command and patted her shoulders with both hands.

“I am glad you are back safe. It is good you are here.”

Anya bowed appreciatively at her.

“I will review your letter to the Chancellor” she said, shaking off the heavy soppiness of the moment.

Lexa nodded at her and that was the end of it. It was a lot like her time with Lincoln, a short, combustible and temporary sentimentality.

When Anya exited the room, Lexa closed the balcony doors and sat in front of the computer where Raven greeted her with an exhausted smile from the other side. She was bundled up in Polis military gear but still looked like an Arkadian nerd.

“Raven” Lexa addressed her warmly. The image of Polis stamped on her chest had a surprising effect on the Commander who had spent the night weeding through a list of probable enemies in her head. “You are well?”

“Yes, Commander” Raven replied. She seemed to be studying Lexa as well, as though she cannot quite figure out what was different.

“I read through Anya’s initial reports. And she briefed me all night. It seems…all is quiet”

“Not all.”

“There has been unaccounted logged off times in the servers of the plant”

“Yes.”

“Anya has given me her thought and theories. I would like to hear yours.”

Raven shuffled on the other side. She looked away from the screen for a few seconds, checking her back and what Lexa suspected as the windows, if her safe post was as safe as the name suggests. It has not been a month since she had volunteered herself for this mission yet she seemed to have grown into the role.

“They are too random” Raven dropped her voice.

Lexa held up a finger. Her room must be the safest place in all of the tower, second only to the nuclear bunker, but recent events have proven that safety and privacy are different considerations. She plugged in earphones and put them on before gesturing for Raven to continue.

“If someone was sending bulks of information about the weapon, this would be the way to do it. If they are altering the weapon, then they would perhaps follow a stricter schedule” Raven thoughtfully relayed. “I will observe in the next 48 to 72 hours. I’ve been trying to cross-check if the unlogged hours would correspond to the glitches I noticed back in Polis.”

“You suspect there are people travelling in and out of the facility?”

“I’m not sure they’re going anywhere.”

“Explain.”

“Communications have been clean. There is a chance the changes are from within. They could be moving information around but storing it as opposing to sending it. It is possible then that the transfer of data will be manually done.”

Lexa pictured that scenario out. It would be less efficient and would take more time. And it would be a bigger risk considering there would be physical evidence of the treason if they get caught. The reward if they managed to evade detection and caption, however, was staggeringly fuller.

More deadly.

“You think whoever it was sending the transmission you detected could already be inside the plant” Lexa had to speak out what Raven explained to make sure that it was as real as it was in her head. “You think we are too late.”

“Yes” Raven admitted darkly.

“Anya debunked this.”

“She denies it.”

Raven rolled her eyes as though she and Anya have already discussed, maybe argued, over this. Lexa felt a tight knot in her stomach. She longed for the freedom the two of them have with one another. Would she and Clarke ever have the same luxury of discussing political affairs with one another? What if it would involve conflicting claims for each other’s nations? Would the reaction from either of them be as simple as an eye roll?

Or should she be thankful instead that fate has them in a purgatorial state of intimacy, where the politics and the war have been kept at bay?

“Raven, is it possible that the team your Chancellor sent would have ties to Azgeda?”

“No.”

“You’re sure.”

“Yes.”

“But?” Lexa asked when Raven hesitated.

“But as I understand, the rebels have a lot of sympathizers. You have enemies, Commander. And we have extremists in Arkadia. I’m sure you already know the lengths they would go to test your relationship with Clarke.”

“That is twice I heard that in the last 24 hours.”

Raven turned solemn.

“Are you listening, Commander?”

Lexa wondered too. She has a lot to think about and a lot to decide upon. She pondered on the possibility of not believing anything she has been told and rely solely on reports. She knew this would be unwise as it would be too easy. She has yet to go through a day in her life when things have all been easy.

“Do we still have control over the weapon?” she left the question unanswered when she decided she could not provide a satisfactory one.

“Yes.”

“Total control?”

“Yes…” Raven eyed her suspiciously. “That, we can be sure of…”

“And Arkadia?”

“Relies on your controls. We are at your mercy.”

“I keep my oaths, Raven.”

Raven bowed but did not say anything. Whether she believes Lexa or not, Lexa was not sure she wanted to find out anyway. Not that morning. Not after the growing lists of people after her.

“What of visitors to the plant?”

“Clear.”

“And communications?”

“Clear.”

“Why did Anya take longer than initial plans?”

Raven opened her mouth. She looked as though she had expected this question and had an answered prepared but the second she tried speaking, she literally choked on her own spit. It then became Lexa’s turn to roll her eyes and shake her head. She wanted to laugh at how ridiculous this inquiry had come out as but immediately remembered that around this time yesterday, she too all but choked at the sight of Octavia questioning what may or may not have happened in Clarke’s bed.

“I do not ask of your personal life” she clarified. “Not that there is a necessity for a question. I only sense a problem she does want to share with me.”

Raven cleared her throat. She shifted in her seat and Lexa realized that this was a question she had not prepared for.

“Raven, trust goes both ways.”

“Did Clarke say that?” Raven jabbed at her.

Lexa was not quick enough to hide her smile. She coughed it out slight before putting on a more serious and expectant face, her lips still twitching slightly.

“Hmm” Raven smirked.

“What?”

“You smile at her name again.”

Lexa sternly pursed her lips but did not say anything to try and rebuff the observation. She eventually asked for the explanation to her original inquiry.

“We have tapped in to the plant, as you know. But it is not round the clock surveillance” Raven continued. She checked behind her again and hesitated before dropping her voice. “Anya worries that Jake’s name has come up every time we check the wires.”

“In what context?”

“Well, they don’t understand his design. He did design the bomb, yeah?”

Lexa hummed, feeling a nervous knot that Raven was alluding to something.

“It appears there is a component even the best of Arkadia cannot figure out. They’re reluctant to ask Abby about it. I would not worry about it just yet.”

“Why not?”

Raven smiled a crooked, almost triumphant grin at her.

“Because I studied this bomb will all the materials available to me” she said slowly, too thoughtfully for Lexa’s liking. “They’re not looking for something Jake put in. They’re trying to make sense of alterations you’ve already made. That’s what worries Anya.”

Lexa returned her grin, a most rare occasion. She was visibly impressed and rewarded Raven with the satisfaction to see it.

“I suppose Anya did not tell you”

“No” Raven shook her head. She puffed up her chest theatrically before assuming her more dignified stance. “I had to figure that one for myself.”

“Your mind is a fortress, Raven. Guard it well”

“Is that code for implying I’m smart?” Raven teased.

Lexa nodded slowly. She waited for her to ask what was it that she changed. She knew if Raven had figured out what was altered, she would have said so by now.

“Should Arkadia worry about your alterations?”

Lexa blinked at her. Raven only shrugged saying she was still trying to put together the changes and it seems that whoever Lexa hired to do the job, made it impossibly difficult to trace. Since she could not figure it out just yet, her immediate concern is if her people are in danger.

“No.”

“Should Clarke?”

“No.”

Raven studied her for longer than she felt comfortable but did not press the issue. She merely asked if she were dismissed as the wind was picking up again outside and she wants to double –check her locks.

“One last thing. How much do you know of Jake’s death?”

“Just that there was an accident at one of his routine inspections of the new laboratories in Arkadia” Raven replied with a slight frown. “That is was lucky he died quickly because he could have suffered a worse pain if—if --- he made it out of the facility alive.”

Lexa nodded absentmindedly, her eyes on her door, worried that Clarke would suddenly barge in.

“How much does Clarke know?”

“I know what she knows.”

“You are sure?”

“You know you can just ask her yourself.”

“Of course” Lexa replied, eyes still on the door.  She sighed and met Raven’s concerned gaze. She shook it off. “I just do not want to open old wounds.”

“Then you’re lucky hers have not fully closed yet” Raven reminded her in gentle sadness. “Ask her, Commander. You can’t share a bed and still keep secrets.”

Lexa’s mouth opened slightly in shock before she composed herself to give a stern raise of her eyebrow.

“I figured that one out for myself too.”

“Watch out for storms” Lexa said, effectively dismissing the talk.

“Roger that, Commander”

Lexa made her way downstairs, meeting Anya at the elevator. She asked if they wanted company in the hospital and Lexa asked if she and Clarke could have a morning free of meetings as the issue of Roan’s claims might take its toll. Anya promised to handle affairs in the tower while they were away and in a few short minutes, Lexa found herself seated on Clarke’s couch, waiting for her to finish getting ready.

Clarke came out of the bathroom and studied her. She sat on the bed and they engaged in their usual battle of who will break eye contact first, who will say what was on their mind first or who will grow tired and just ask what was troubling the other.

Lexa sighed.

“What?”

Clarke raised a fist in the air in silent celebration. She walked over to Lexa and gave her the most tender, unassuming and contented kiss.

“Let’s go” she said, pulling Lexa up and heading for the door.

Lexa chuckled and allowed herself to be whirled out. They held hands and didn’t talk in the elevator. But once the doors opened and they were faced with a security team and with some of Lexa’s staff, Clarke quickly let go of their hold. Lexa frowned at her slightly but did not reach for her hand. Instead, she escorted her to their waiting car, asked her to wait while she made some last minute instructions outside. Once they were on their way, Lexa sought out Clarke’s hand quietly.

She smirked when Clarke laced their fingers together and Gus shuffled uneasily from the front seat. She rested her head on her car seat and tried closing her eyes, contented with in this divine solace of human touch from the only person she really wanted to see since they parted.

“Your thoughts are faraway” Clarke said when she noticed that Lexa did not fall asleep.

“Long day”

“How much time do I have with Roan?”

Lexa faced her, with a cryptic gaze.

“How much time do you need?”

“I want to help in his recovery.”

“He is not getting out of bed anytime soon, Clarke. Breathing alone exhausts him.”

Clarke thought about this with a grimace. Lexa prodded for her response with a tug on their intertwined hands.

“May I stay the day?”

“The doctors would not permit it.”

“Would the Commander?”

Lexa snorted at how testily Clarke played that out.

“The Commander would wish you join her for an appearance.”

“At?”

“The Airport” Lexa said simply. “You have troops here. Arkadian soldiers who spend time training here. They go home around this time of year. I figured you might want to send them off.”

“I thought my presence here is on the down low?”

“It is”

“Then why..?”

Lexa shrugged. For all intents and purposes, this “appearance” will not be on any kind of down low. But at least it will not be the media circus that they encountered on the one night they went out in Arkadia.

“No paparazzi” she pointed out. “And even so, we have unparalleled restrictions ensuring privacy. _My_ privacy. And my…guests”

“Oh, I’m aware of just how private things here are. I only mean, why would you want me to send them off?”

“Fostering relations”

Lexa remained stoic but in a split-second, Clarke squinted at her.

“You want to strengthen your ties with our men, don’t you?” she supposed.  “You want them to trust you.”

Lexa breathed evenly and didn’t say anything. She stared out the window, trying to come up with a better response than the truth available to her. Clarke pulled at their hands and she was forced to confess anyway.

“I want them to know I am not stealing you from your people.”

Clarke scowled but still agreed to go with her. Lexa questioned her with a look but to no avail.

“I did not intend it to be a political move. It is not merely strategy” Lexa explained patiently, effectively gaining some of Clarke’s softer appreciation. “You have given your time to my men. It is only fair you get to spend time with yours. Get a taste of home. And allow them a reminder of what they fight for.”

Clarke nodded at her with a smile that portrays her understanding of the situation. The lack of a verbal response, however, was troubling for Lexa.

“Speak your mind, Clarke”

“Stealing me from my people?”

“It is a dangerous thought in minds of those whose loyalty should be unquestionable.”

“I only meant to point out that’s dumb.”

Lexa frowned at her, ready to pounce at a feeble and rather careless stand to make especially during war time. She immediately cautioned Clarke never to be complacent with the loyalty of her men for there are those who deem it to be a flexible matter. And it is those men who bring ruin to reigns and death to rulers.

Clarke rolled her eyes at her, making her all the more enraged.

Lexa huffed, untimely upset.

“You cannot make a joke out of this, Clarke Griffin”

“You can’t steal what’s already yours, Lexa.”

Lexa exhaled sharply, her distress and annoyance not knowing where to go. She blinked at Clarke who only chuckled at her with an air of projected pity.

Clarke leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

“Now. You speak your mind” she said after she settled back in her seat. “What were you doing while waiting for me to finish getting ready?”

“Waiting. Reading.”

“Uhuh. I saw your eyes wandering over my stuff. And you’ve been wanting to ask me something, other than this airport trip”

“I saw clutter in your study earlier” Lexa admitted.

“There’s always clutter.”

This was, of course, true. Lexa had resigned that as smart as Clarke is, her artistic side does take dominion over how she manages her things, in that they are as cluttered in what she calls a creative mess.

“You are looking at universities.”

Clarke nodded.

“Why?”

“Octavia told me about Indra’s hometown. How long will I be here?”

“I have made arrangements for your classes, have I not?”

“And if war drags on for more than a term?” Clarke challenged. “These things do not normally have a schedule, babe.”

Lexa noted the term. She gulped nervously and saw the slight blush on Clarke’s face. She thought best not to point out the slip…if it was a slip. They were no longer back in Arkadia, navigating their feelings. Nor were they back to navigating a co-habitual relationship while working around sentiments which continued to separate them from each other.

“I simply want options” Clarke quickly explained.

“You have the best medical schools in Arkadia.”

“And yet it seems medical know-how will be more important here should the war reach this far.”

Lexa groaned after confirmation of one of her theories on why she saw brochures of a two universities in Polis and another one in smaller, neighbouring country.

“You let me worry about the war.”

“I just want options, Lexa. That is all.”

Lexa scoffed.

“What, you don’t think I should transfer?”

“If you want to transfer, you should” Lexa clarified. “I do not think you want to transfer. I think you feel like you need to.”

“Why would I need to?”

Lexa gestured towards herself like she was the most obvious answer in the world.

“Someone thinks highly of themselves” Clarke countered, with a pretend air of mockery.

“Am I wrong?” Lexa challenged her with a laugh, so pronounced that both her driver and Gus almost snickered their support for her. She gave them a stern look before going back to demanding a dispute from Clarke.

“Fine. No. you’re not. But is that so careless then?”

“No, it is merely out of character.”

“You think I won’t pick you over my duties back in Arkadia? You doubt that?”

“No, I do not doubt it.”

“Then what is out of character?”

“We’re almost in the hospital”

“Then talk fast, please”

Lexa growled inwardly. She ignored Clarke until they were almost at the hospital.

“I think you are not being made to pick so you should not” she said quietly, pulling Clarke’s hand to get her attention. “But should you be asked to, you know you would pick them in a heartbeat.”

Clarke looked like she was about to contest it but Lexa held up her finger on her free hand, stopping the reply.

“I, for one, am not asking” she declared. “Nor would I ever.”

“And if I want to be closer to you? Even after the war?”

Lexa has not even thought about it. She has planned for an attack in Trihaven, a rescue mission if needed. She had spent the night moving troops in her mind, planning for every possible scenario should the soldier in the foot of the Cold Mountains fall. She has even drafted a letter to the Chancellor addressing concerns of joint-military patrols in Arkadia.

She has not thought beyond what the world will be after the war.

She has only ever known the fighting, the battles, the death.

In her mind, what has marked her reign as Commander of Blood so far, is that she has never been caught off-guard by enemy’s war cries. For her mentality is that there is always a war.

Lexa had never allowed herself to plan for anything beyond that because here might not be an ‘after the war.’

“You would still feel the need to choose” she finally answered. “You are Arkadia’s good daughter, are you not?”

Clarke frowned sadly at her and finding no other words to comfort her or to convince her own self that she was wrong to point this out, Lexa leaned over and kissed Clarke’s lips. She melted into an unbearable huge grin when Clarke kissed her back and nuzzled their noses.

“I am not asking you to choose” Lexa repeated just before exiting the car first.

She walked around to Clarke’s door and as though the conversation never happened, Clarke was back to her public persona – Arkadia’s Good Daughter. Perhaps now, The Commander’s Charitable…Guest.

Roan is asleep. Clarke stays for an hour then joins Lexa at the airport. Anya meets them there with news that Lexa is needed somewhere. Bye at the airport.

Roan's doctors greeted them at the elevator doors. He was asleep. They handed Lexa his chart and she looked at the numbers that she could recognize and understand. She handed the chart to Clarke, asking if she read them right.

Clarke looked like she was doing the same thing. She muttered that technically she was not even in Med School yet. But she has gone to enough hospital rounds with her mother before and have conducted enough medical missions to read and interpret the basic stats.

Roan was getting better.

The doctors did a full brief of his present condition to Lexa while Clarke sat at his bedside. Lexa left half an hour later to check on some of her soldiers before asking if she was ready to go.

"I can come get you later if you want to stay longer" Lexa had suggested.

Clarke shook her head and said, if it was alright, she would rather spend the day with Lexa.

It look Lexa by surprise. She knew she would be confined to her office and decided that it was probably as good a time as any to try and ease the people there of Clarke being around. If she can help it, Clarke will always be around.

They spent the day together in her office, hardly even talking. She would be in and out of the room to meet with a briefing team or an intelligence unit across the hall from her office. Clarke, to her surprise, never asked what was the meeting about. She only ever commented whether she should be afraid that Lexa's "talks" don’t even last ten minutes. Lexa teased that she was not aware Clarke wanted her to stay away longer.

Gus came in later that afternoon to remind Leza that they have to leave for the airport. By then, Clarke had already fallen into a nap. Lexa walked towards the couch and smiled at how serene she was, with her head delicately leaning into an open Physics book. She tapped it gently and Clarke stirred.

"Time to go, beautiful" she whispered.

Oddly enough, their trip to the airport was more filled with conversations that their entire time in the tower. Lexa shared how she could have used Clarke's persuasion skills while battling with one of her general's aides. It seems word about Trihaven have spread and a general had sent an aide to inform Lexa that he would march his troops, if need be. Lexa had given a standing order not to attack until Indra had sent word back and the aide insisted on staying in the offices as per instructions of his General.

Clarke rolled her eyes at Lexa's admittance that she may have threatened the young soldier into submission.

Lexa spent the rest of the ride listening to Clarke detail out her new study schedule and how she had almost forgotten how it was to have chapters to finish reading on a certain date and to have a dreaded exam day. She expressed her worry that the lack of a normal classroom atmosphere is making her lapse. Plus, for the first time in her academic career, she may be a little more distracted that she would admit.

"Don't they know I'm a little busy keeping you alive?" she had joked.

Lexa smirked but Clarke's silence after the exchange troubled her. She detected that once again that was not some mere joke. As always with Clarke, words weigh heavily with the truth. Even the ones done in jests. She did not question it as she spent the entire airport trip watching Clarke to her magic.

While she had to practically push Clarke into the room, once she was in it, everyone radiated towards her. She shook every soldier's hand. She obliged when they asked for a picture. And she listened to all their stories and promises that they would speak of meeting her once they arrive Arkadia. Lexa stood by the side, contented that most of them swore their allegiance to Clarke, her mother and Arkadia. She was so taken by the scenes in front of her that she had not noticed Anya had arrived.

Anya asked to speak to her in private. A plane was waiting for her. They had gotten clearance to land in Arkadia, secretly. The Chancellor would be waiting for her in a restricted hanger and they have the smallest of margins to talk about Roan and Azgeda. Then her trip to the Cold Mountains would commence.

"There are two squads waiting for you. And Lincoln's team" Anya informed her. "I know you wanted to wait a few more days but this is the only window we have."

Lexa nodded. She wanted Anya to go with her but to stay in Arkadia to see the situation there firsthand. Anya said both their bags are packed and the plane awaits for them. She thanked her for deciding not to order her company for the Cold Mountains part of this excursion.

"And run the risk of you and Ontari re-starting your own war?" Lexa joked flatly.

Clarke came out and the minute she saw Anya she seemed to understand what was to happen. Anya gave them some privacy. Lexa said she was to go somewhere but would not disclose the location.

"I will tell you when I get back" Lexa promised

"Oh so you plan on coming back? Damn it."

Lexa chuckled. She looked around and realized that there were soldiers around them.

"People will see" Clarke warned her.

"See what?"

"That you're about to kiss me."

Lexa smirked. Of course Clarke knew what she had intended to do. Even before they have crossed what threshold there was in their relationship, there was already this link between their minds which never needed words. It was what made eye contact oddly difficult as it was…intoxicatingly addictive.

"When I come back then" she told Clarke before turning to leave.

"Get home safe, Commander" Clarke called after her.

"What else am I supposed to do?" she called back.

Lexa took her seat on the plane, wishing more than anything that she had kissed Clarke.

Anya briefed her of their wily voyage towards the Cold Mountains. Lexa has only ever been there twice but she can memorize the trail. When the Chancellor met them in the hanger, as predicted, they had less than ten minutes, otherwise both of their absences would be conspicuous. Lexa answered all her questions about Clarke. Abby offered all the information she could about the rebels and the poison used on Roan.

Lexa mentioned Jake and all Abby wanted to know was whether Clarke has been told. She asked if it were possible that she be the one to confess to her daughter. All Lexa could promise was she will not be the one to tell Clarke. She will not stop others from doing so.

Abby declined the Christmas invitation and just before Anya had to whisk Lexa away, the Commander managed to ask advice on how to celebrate the holiday with Clarke. Abby smiled at her in the fondest of ways, making the meeting seem more like a family affair than a political and strategic rendezvous.

“Just be with her. She hates spending any holiday alone” she had told Lexa.

Curiously enough, Abby never asked about them and their relationship. She never hinted what she knows or does not know. Lexa wondered if she has fallen into an Arkadian trap. She wondered if Abby was keeping cards and aces and perhaps she has fallen blind into them.

It was too late to back away now.

If Clarke was a pit, Lexa would much rather drown in her light than ever survive on mere earthly existence.

“Commander”

Lexa stirred at the sound of the voice.

 It was nearing three in the morning and she, along with her thoughts, we all but frozen due to their trek to where the Cold Mountains Brigade was stationed. She marvelled at the sight of 3 full battalions assembled under the freezing snow, in the courtyard of the one of the most formidable military garrisons in the world. She was greeted by the General of the Brigade and after a very quick inspection of the troops, was led into a waiting Hummer.

“The Rime Troops will be notified in half an hour, Commander” he told Lexa knowingly.

Lexa remembers that one of the battalions therein assembled was now commanded by a General that she essentially banished. She left instructions for Lincoln to stay behind and Lincoln understood immediately what that meant. She had ridden in silence to a smaller, more strategically placed barracks just overlooking a narrow river separating Arkadian territory to that of Azgeda.

There was no pomp, no ceremony that waited for her. The soldier who greeted them at the gates practically stumbled over himself when he realized that he had just met the Commander. She was shown Ontari’s private quarters in hushed voices.

No one was to know she was there.

From the looks of the General of the Rime troops, she did not have sufficient time to hide her surprise that the Commander of Blood would travel to this part of the world.

“Ontari.”

“I was not told you were arriving. Or visiting” Ontari said. She walked towards her desk and stood in front of her chair. “Until five minutes ago. When I received it on the secure satellite line.”

Lexa grunted suggesting that those were per her instructions. Ontari offered her seat but she refused it courteously.

“I am not staying long. You may sit if you must”

Ontari scoffed.

“Let’s both stand. It is not like one of us still has traces of a concussion.”

Lexa ignored the jab. She moved closer to the desk and dimmed the lamp that was on it. She dropped her voice and watched Ontari’s smugness disperse into mild intrigue and intense focus.

“I need to get information into Azgeda.”

“Into?”

“Yes.”

“Which is?”

“Their exiled Prince has the Commander’s ear”

Ontari pulled back and frowned her mocking outrage. Lexa was aware of how well Ontari knows her. Or knew her, depending on just how far apart they have grown in their adulthood. Ontari would know that Lexa only ever listens to three people and none of whom ever stepped foot in Azgeda.

“You allow Azgedan whispers now, Commander?” she asked darkly.

“I need the information relayed tonight. Will you be able to deliver?”

“Of course”

Lexa nodded and turned to leave. She saw her shadow enlarge on the wall of the office as Ontari adjusted the lamp.

“Commander.”

Lexa exhaled sharply before throwing her a glance over her shoulder.

“You could have asked Lincoln”

Lexa matched the smirk on Ontari’s face.

“But the Queen knows where his loyalty lies.”

Ontari’s sinister laugh still ran in Lexa’s ear all the way back to Polis.

It was already in the middle of the day when Lexa arrived back in Polis. She set out for Clarke’s room immediately but the guards told her that she was down at the rehab wing. When Lexa came to see her, she found her working with children who got caught in crossfire between some soldiers and rebels just outside the city. Lexa did not have the heart to interrupt the clear rapport Clarke already had with the kids. She did not have the luxury of a moment’s welcome, anyway. No sooner than she had approached the door to let her presence known did Anya intercept her with a distressed look.

“Trihaven?” Lexa whispered in evident horror that even Gus had to double-check if she really was the Commander.

“Arkadia” Anya answered, eyeing Clarke.

The two of them returned back to the secure situation room where they had a satellite feed of one of Arkadia’s smaller towns falling and burning into flames.

Rebels.

Well-funded, fully-armed and skilfully trained rebels.

They resembled an army of their own.

Lexa asked if Lincoln was still in Arkadia and Anya had to whisper in her ears that he has not left the Cold Mountain base just yet. Lexa sighed in secret. She watched as the last flag of Arkadia fell and the feed died. She ordered for a call with Chancellor immediately and was made to wait. She ordered to talk with the General assigned to Arkadia and issued emergency measures to be taken by him and available troops in Arkadia.

Anya interjected that their soldiers should aid, reinforce and provide all necessary support to the Arkadian soldiers. Nothing more. Lexa eyed her and waited until they were alone in her office to ask what that was about. Anya admitted that she thinks it would be best if the Arkadians handle it on their own terms. Lexa finds this counterproductive as they have both seen the state of that military. They were not ready for combat.

Anya quietly pointed out that the Arkadians have relied on them too heavily and their own soldiers know it too.

“If Arkadia falls and we did nothing -- that is on us” Lexa’s muted argument carried the weight of storms and Anya felt the hair at the back of her neck stand.

Lexa instructed for a full briefing of the situation in six hours and to be alerted of Lincoln’s location the minute the same became available. She dismissed Anya and headed back down to her office where she waited for word from Indra. Clarke came to see her around lunch and they ate together, though neither had much appetite. Someone had already told Clarke the news and she was itching to talk to her mother.

Lexa told her she has to leave that evening to personally send some of her Air Force’s pilots off to Trihaven. She got back late and had to drag her feet to her own room and not stop by Clarke’s. By morning, they both sat in Clarke’s balcony listening to Octavia run down a report of the situation in Trihaven.

“Damage is contained, Commander” Octavia said at the end of the video feed. She smirked at Clarke who was more concerned as her busted lip. “Indra is sending me back for Christmas. She will call you tonight once she gets back from her rounds of the hill camps.”

“She left you in charge? I thought you were to save her hometown not run it to the ground?” Clarke teased before Lexa left the two to chat in private.

Lexa’s council was waiting for her in their usual conference room. Once she arrived, they played the footage in Arkadia once more, the satellite feed from Trihaven and another clip from rebel troops moving along the Angry Rivers, presumably originating from the Cold Mountains.

“We cannot wait for further attacks, Commander.”

“We run the risk of sending too many men out of Polis if we address all of them at the same time.”

Those were the two constant arguments that ran through the entire day. Anya kept silent and Lexa still glared at her whenever the topic of whether the soldiers stationed in Arkadia should be moved up to aid the Cold Mountain regiment or not. They discussed it again it private later that night until they were interrupted by one of Anya’s cadets, informing her that her helicopter was already waiting in the roof.

Lexa relented the matter and said that she will think about it in Anya’s absence. She wished her trip well but warned that she was to stay for no more than three days with Raven and upon her return, she wants a clearer and more concise picture of what was causing the glitches with the weapon Clarke’s later father had used.

Lexa waited until midnight before making her way out of her room and to Clarke’s. She was surprised to find Clarke still awake but was even more so when Clarke informed her that she was not staying up for her. She simply had a paper due the next morning.

“I can’t exactly tell my professor that I failed to submit this because my girl—“

Lexa raised an eyebrow from where she was standing over Clarke’s shoulder when the word came up. Clarke never finished it but they both knew it was there.

“—my dearest Commander came over” Clarke corrected with a fake cough and Lexa allowed her.

Lexa had every intention to stay awake with Clarke but all the travelling and the stress of the day somehow caught up to her. Clarke was talking about Raven when Lexa felt herself start to doze off. She heard swore she heard both Abby’s and Jake’s name but finally lost out to sleep. She woke up to a start when she heard a loud slam.

She had her gun pointed at the direction of the sound in a flash only to be met by Clarke’s disapproving glance. Lexa slowly lowered her gun and readjusted her eyes to the scene in the room. The computers were off, the lights were dim and Clarke was already dressed in her standard oversized shirt and quirky-patterned boxer-shorts.

“I just talked to my mom” she said, her voice shaking.

Lexa was unsure whether Clarke emotional over the news that the Chancellor declined to come over for Christmas or whether it had just finally occurred to Clarke that she would be stuck in Polis over the holidays. It turns out, when Clarke nestled inside Lexa’s cradling arms on the couch, she was upset about her father’s connection to the poison.

Lexa realized in the middle of Clarke’s controlled but tearful tirade against her mother that Abby had not told her the extent of Jake’s involvement with the bomb or the poison. There were still missing facts to about his death. This only made it more difficult to comfort Clarke, knowing that one wrong word could set-off a chain of events and they had already enough on their plates.

They both fell asleep on the couch that night.

Lexa had to leave early that morning, having been informed that they had established a secure line to Lincoln. She kissed a half-asleep Clarke goodbye before getting on with her day. They did not get to see each other until later that night when she came to Clarke’s room to tell her that she had to leave for a couple of days.

This became their norm. On the nights that Lexa was in Polis, she and Clarke would take turns showing up in each other’s room late in the evening, and would end up falling asleep after listening to each other’s day. At one time, Lexa had just gotten back from a quick trip to attend a State Banquet at nother ally country and was sure that it was too late to wake Clarke up. She went straight to her room but could not sleep. She ordered her aides to send up her usual set of candles.

She had not been in need of them for weeks now, ever since she had spent nights with Clarke. She was already starting to fall asleep when Clarke showed up.

“Hi” she said from her bed.

Clarke pointed at the candles.

“What—Were you—“

“I did not know you were still awake” Lexa quickly explained.

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“What? No!”

“Were you expecting me?”

Lexa frowned at the utter confusion and delicate annoyance on Clarke’s face.

“No..?”

“What are these then?”

Lexa literally felt her throat constrict.

“Nothing! I mean, for me.”

“For you? I’m confused.”

“I am not setting a romantic evening or anything like that!”

“Okay?”

“I was not setting up for anything! I cannot sleep.”

Clarke relaxed a little, and even in the dark, Lexa could see her blush.

“You weren’t, like, setting the mood or anything?”

“Why would I need to set the mood up when we do not—“

Clarke raised an eyebrow when Lexa choked at her own words.

“When we don’t…we don’t” Clarke finished the sentence for her while fighting a blush. “Well. I think I’ll just go back to my room and bury myself in a rubble of shame.”

“Oh, my beautiful Clarke.”

Lexa laughed and explained that while her nightmares have calmed down, sleep was never easy for her. She would always be exhausted ever since she ascended as Commander but since her return from her State Visit in Arkadia, she has had to revive the use of her candles to put her to sleep.

Until…sleep was shared with Clarke.

Clarke climb into bed with her and listened to her mumble about her nightmares.

If anything, that night only confirmed to Lexa that she should just ask Clarke to move to her room. Permanently.

But everytime she tries, they would always be interrupted, either by work, school, or just the sheer awkwardness of people around them. That was another issue: Lexa has had to refer to Clarke as her guest and Clarke stared at her for the longest time before turning away. In a later conversation just before Christmas, one aide asked for whom the Christmas dinner was and they both found themselves engaged in a staring contest to decide who should answer.

Lexa did but she only gave the names of who will be at dinner.

When Christmas rolled in, Octavia had arrived safely back to Polis and Lexa had to sleep alone for a night. Clarke and Octavia had their sleepover and by Christmas morning, they were both buzzing at breakfast, having caught each other up on all the things they’ve missed.

“Thanks for clearing your schedule” Clarke whispered to Lexa after they ate.

It was a hard deal. Anya would be flying back that night from visiting with Raven. And she said she had more news compared to her last visit. Indra was still at Trihaven and Lincoln was only on his way back from Arkadia. Lexa was swamped with war council meetings, paperwork, reports, appearances and training. But she was adamant that on Christmas day, anything that would require more than half an hour would be directed to her office.

She would not be taking direct calls.

Unless it was from Ontari.

And Ontari did call just before Christmas dinner. She reported that the Queen had presented her beliefs of her son being close to the Commander’s circle. Ontari also warned them that rebels were closer than they perceived. Trihaven was not the only target.

Throughout dinner, Lexa’s thoughts were occupied. The laughter of the table fell distant to her ears as she tried to recount all the faces she would constantly see around her and Clarke. She was sure she played her part of an attentive host well until she heard Octavia laugh at something Clarke was being unyielding about. Lexa focused on the redness of Clarke’s cheeks and when Lincoln pointed out that Lexa does not kiss and tell, she realized what the discussion had turned into.

Later that night, she asked Clarke if it was awkward that they were sleeping together and that all they actually do is sleep together. Clarke kissed her in tempered devotion and said that she is not sure just yet. But does she want Lexa? Yes. Does she want to have sex with her? Yes. But she was not sure if they should sleep together just to say that they have.

They were not normal people in normal circumstances.

Lexa agreed with her and while they fell asleep to lazy kisses and impassioned caresses, as they do most nights, it still bothered her.

It was becoming less awkward and more like a ridiculous hanging sensation.

The next morning she had to leave again.

“You know I had this fear a few weeks ago? That you’d spend the night with me and you’d be gone before the sun even rises” Clarke joked sleepily from bed. “Now, I’m kinda just used to waking up in time to watch you leave.”

“I see. Well. Yes.”

“Yes?”

Lexa smiled desolately at her.

“Yes, it still hurts every time I have to leave.”

Clarke kissed her apologetically. She promised her that she understood why she had to always be away. She asked if she could go to the lake, reminding her that she never actually made it there the last time. Lexa told her about the phone call with Ontari. She promised that they would discuss it when she gets back but until then, she would prefer Clarke stays in the tower. That also meant that she should keep her distance from Roan for now.

Lexa did not get back until a few days after New Year’s but by then Clarke had settled back into her schoolwork.

“I’m surprised you only stole away once” she chided Clarke one night in bed. “You went to see Roan. Clarke?”

Lexa tilted her head to see Clarke already asleep within her embrace.

All was quiet.

For the two days that Lexa was back in Polis, she grew uneasy on how quiet everything was. Trihaven was secured. Lincoln had come back clearing five names from the council and was still hard at work looking into others. Reports about Roan say that he was recuperating brilliantly, considering how apparent his death was. The Chancellor had recalled Raven’s top suspect of leaking out information and that person was locked in a cell in Arkadia – a hard bargain that Lexa had to lose, Anya advised.

They do not have jurisdiction over him until his crimes against both Arkadia and Polis be proven.

It was late afternoon and by some miracle, Lexa had a clear schedule. She and Clarke were lying on opposite ends of the couch in Clarke’s balcony. Their legs tangled up, and resting on each other’s stomach, as they both waited for the sun to set. Clarke was reading an Anatomy book while Lexa was reading through news websites from all over the will.

Clarke causally brought the topic of going to the lake up against and whether it was the fatigue or the uneasiness over the stillness of things, Lexa said a flat no. She heard her sigh but ignored it. When Clarke pulled her legs away and sat up in an upright position, Lexa knew that there was something wrong. She chose to ignore it, finding the prospect of an argument on the one afternoon she had time to unwind, a waste of her time.

A few minutes later, she made the mistake of reading out loud a headline saying that one of Polis’s strongest allies managed to obtain freedom for their captured soldiers from an enemy state. Clarke echoed ‘freedom’ with such bitterness that Lexa almost threw the tablet over the balcony.

“Do you think I like keeping you here against your will?” she demanded quietly.

She knew how she sounded and for the most part, she knew she should rectify it.

Lexa was scared for Clarke’s safety but the security issue also provided for the perfect excuse to just keep Clarke.

Keep her.

She does not know how to ask her…to be hers. Although, nights would prove that neither of them belonged to anyone else. But the inconvenience of tragedy around them had been the perfect set-up to build a stable relationship that Lexa does not know how to alter it without destroying what they already have.

Her concern for Clarke’s safety was paramount.

And so was her insecurity that Clarke was growing tired of their routine.

“So you don't like me being here?”

“You know that is not what I meant.”

“I was kidding” Clarke tried to pacify when she saw just how upset Lexa was.

“No, you were not”

“Let’s not fight, babe”

Lexa grimaced at her but didn’t say anything. She picked up the tablet and started to scroll through some more headlines before talking again.

“If we are fighting on all fronts, does it matter?”

Clarke blinked in curious worry.

“What we like and what we don’t? Apparently not?”

“What you want or like or need matters to me, Clarke” Lexa implored in the most bored of voices. She took a peak from what she was reading to find Clarke had closed her book and was studying her with a deep sadness and longing in her eyes.

She could not quite pinpoint what it was, much like that first morning they woke up together. It made her stomach lurch into an acid pile of uncertainties. Part of her kept feeling that Clarke was not worried their situation but was in fact already suffering the consequences of it. And as much as this consumed Lexa’s anxiety, there was a part of her that kept wondering what it was she was missing in this picture. There is something about Clarke’s brand of concern and despondency which treks dangerously into reckless abandon.

“Even now?” Clarke asked.

“Especially now.”

“Even if you can’t supply it?”

“What do you want, Clarke?”

Clarke sighed. Lexa saw she bit her tongue and whatever it was Clarke stopped herself from saying must have so much weight for her to ruin their moment together.

“Does it really matter though?”

“I wouldn't ask if it didn't” Lexa’s frustration found color in the drop of her voice.

It is always her calmness and control that Clarke responds too. In their time together, she has realized that Clarke has no problem dealing with her when her temper escapes her or when Generals in the tower all but shoot each other. Clarke handles those situations marvellously.

But there was a fear in her that awakens whenever Lexa is too resolutely serene and took a small argument of whether or not Clarke should call her mother for Lexa to see it. Lexa was almost down to an overwhelmingly calm whisper when she expressed her incense at Clarke’s refusal to talk to her mother on New Year’s Eve.

Clarke had taken a step back from her then in almost an identical manner to how she leaned back in the couch now.

“What do you like?” she asked Lexa carefully.

“I asked you first”

“Well, I’m asking you now!”

“You just said we should not fight” Lexa reminded her.

“We’re not! It can’t just be what I want, Lexa. We’re doing this together so what do you like?”

Lexa sighed and smiled at her pointedly, issuing a challenge.

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why?’”

“Are you asking me what I like because it interests you or are you asking because you don't know what you like?”

Clarke waved a hand in the air.

“What does that even mean, Lexa?”

“University brochures?”

Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed and her jaw set. Lexa just scoffed at her before going back to reading.

“I thought so” she muttered.

“You didn't answer the question.”

“If you want my answer so you can have yours, you will never get it.”

“You're impossible.”

“At least I know my answer.”

“Which is what?” Clarke pulled Lexa’s tablet down in careless eagerness. “Say it, come on!”

Lexa’s annoyance seeped out of her.

It was, for the time being, the stupidest question Clarke has ever asked her. And they have discussed everything from what to wear to sleep to which ambassador should Lexa receive first. After all that they have been through in the last couple of months and all the horrors that they have shared between them, Lexa cannot believe that she was still being asked what she liked.

What she wanted.

She raised an eyebrow at Clarke, sighed sharply and just stared at her. She twitched the side of the pursed lips upward into a full-on smugness before nodding her head at Clarke.

What else could she want?

When she was still met with a frown, Lexa smiled at her, still just as cockily as she was annoyed before giving another single nod at Clarke. She held her gaze this time and in without words that would surely fail or a breath that would only be rendered unjust, managed to order her eyes to say all that she wanted to say.

_YOU._

Clarke slowly dropped her mouth before casually closing it up with accompanied redness.

Lexa scoffed and went back to reading.

“Well. It’s what I want too” Clarke said quietly after a few heartbeats.

Lexa took another peek at her over her tablet, smiled circumspectly but said nothing before looking back down again. Clarke reached over again, this time pulling the tablet down gently.

“I was looking into school options because I know what I want, Lexa”

Lexa nodded slowly, her heart erupting into a frenzy of thunderous beats palliated by waltzing melodies.

“Even after the war, I’d…still want the same thing” Clarke concluded, the entire sky reflecting in her eyes.

Lexa forgot why they waited to watch the sun disappear when Clarke’s bright blue orbs were her eternal light. She smile wider, sat up and kissed Clarke until they were breathless. She pressed a finger onto Clarke’s lips, telling her not to say anything. Clarke obliged and they both went back to reading until it was too dark for them to stay out. Lexa found herself unable to wait until morning comes and they get to live out their day together again.

Lexa's dreaded uneasiness over the stillness of everything was answered in just a couple of hours. Gus stormed inside the room, pale as a ghost and with horrified eyes that Lexa has never seen on him before. She sat up so quickly that Clarke, whose arms were wrapped around her, woke to a shock.

Gus did not wait for either of them to make sense of the situation. He only said one word and it was enough for Lexa to jump out of bed and head straight into the Situation Room while still in sweat pants and a sports bra.

Indra's camp just outside Trihaven was attacked. Octavia managed to escape in time to warn the the main battalion and to call in using Indra's satellite phone with the direct access to Lexa.

Lexa stood watching footage of the camp in flames, with soldiers either fighting to their last breaths or running into the woods to escape. Octavia told her she wants men to go back and find Indra. Lexa told her to get on the next plane home.

Octavia was silent on the other end and Lexa knew she was thinking of a rebuttal.

"She cannot lose you, Octavia" Lexa told her firmly. "Your direct orders are irrefutable and irrevocable. I expect you back here come nightfall."

When the line was cut she ordered every possible command to rescue Indra and to bring to her who led the charge. She wants them alive. She turned to Anya to make the necessary orders for weapon and medical supplies weapon. And a plane that would take her to Trihaven in the next hour.

Anya asked for a private audience and as soon as he generals left the room, said that it was not the wisest for them to send her to a now active warzone.

Lexa plainly said that that was not a request and Anya had no say on the decision.

Two hours later, while awaiting for her plane, Indra made contact. Lexa watched as the entire room breathed a collective grateful sigh of relief as well as put on their vengeful faces.

If it was not clear before, this was war.

"I have the man who led the charge" Indra reported.

Lexa repeated her instructions. Indra begged to stay and states that she is charging Octavia with the delivery of the prisoner. The generals murmured among themselves but made no clear objections. Lexa allowed it but made it certain that she was flying to Trihaven as soon as the meeting was over. Indra suggested that perhaps it would be best if the Commander rendezvous with Octavia's team on a neutral situation then bring the prisoner back to Polis.

Everyone knew what that meant.

Depending on how this meeting and proposed interrogation goes, the prisoner might not make it to Polis at all.

Lexa agreed but told Indra that she was still coming to Trihaven. She wants to see the damage for herself and she wants Trihaven to know that it has the full support of the Commander of Blood.

"The man is of Arkadian decent, Commander" Anya informed her on their way to Clarke's room. "One of their rebels. From the same village."

"Burn it down" Lexa ordered coldly. "Inform the Chancellor after you make the orders."

"The Chancellor already knows. She was the one who provided the information."

"Then why do I not see flames engulfing the enemies of Polis?"

They stopped in front of Clarke's door.

"Because you haven't told your girlfriend and as much as I want all of their deaths, I will not be responsible for another blow to your relationship."

"Burn it down" Lexa repeated in stoic menace before going inside Clarke's room, leaving Anya outside.

Clarke was still in bed, but wide awake. She was on the phone with her mother and held up a finger at Lexa as she listened to what was being said on the other line.

"I have to go" Lexa mouthed.

Clarke nodded at her then told her mother she would call back. Lexa doubted highly that she actually would.

"I heard. Octavia called my mom"

Lexa hummed her acknowledgment. She started narrowing down her schedule and the reasons why she had to leave when Clarke interrupted her.

"Just don't die."

"Would you still say that if you knew I gave an order to burn down a rebel-infested village in Arkadia?"

Clarke closed her eyes and gulped. Lexa knows she was still trying to be objective about this. In the last month alone, she has seen how Clarke had adjusted to her schedule, her routines and how she handles conflict. She watched in awe how Clarke has essentially taken on a culture that she does not understand and traditions that were oppressive to her own beliefs.

Lexa had point-blank told her to stop. Her beliefs were her own and Clarke had no obligation to join her in them. Clarke shrugged her off. She said she was simply being a diplomatic guest.

Guest.

Lexa recalled how Anya called Clarke her girlfriend.

What poor timing to put a label on something transcendentally obscure in the face of war.

"I just need you to come home in one piece" Clarke said, her face set. "We can talk about the other stuff later."

"May I kiss you?" Lexa asked her after a fee heartbeats.

Clarke gave a worried smile before closing her eyes and capturing her lips with the most tender, most fervid of goodbyes.

She was away from Polis for two nights. The prisoner that Octavia had successfully transported to a neutral location was uncooperative and no form of interrogation would work on him. Lexa decided that he will stay in Polis until he budges. On the plane ride back, Octavia sat next to her.

Lexa cleared her throat to get her attention. She nodded at Octavia's knuckles and pointed out that their prisoner has a shiner, inconsistent with normal injuries from a raid or a seige.

"My hand slipped on his face" Octavia reasoned. "Thrice."

Lexa laughed hollowly and gave her a soft almost proud pat on the shoulders.

"Have you read my report yet?" Octavia asked just before they landed.

"No."

"Oh."

"Breathe, Octavia" Lexa advised, turning away the harsh afternoon light seeping through window where she spotted an unmarked Hummer that is usually assigned to Clarke.

"That's all you got? Breathe?"

Lexa nodded encouragingly. She did not need to expound and she did not need to ask why Octavia inquired about her report. She also did not need to see the change in what once were playful eyes. The raid - whatever injuries it may have inflicted on the young cadet - ultimately did one thing.

It has transformed Octavia into a soldier.

One, it seemed, who did not hesitate to make the hard decisions and do what most her age and with her training would have chosen to run away from.

"Breathe" Lexa repeated. "It reminds you of why you had to do what you did."

Octavia's eyes glistened with tears but she did not shed any of them.

Lexa was right. Clarke was waiting for them at the airport and while this irked her that the security around her was not as tight as she wanted, it also brought her a chilling satisfaction to be witness to the best friends' reunion. She opted to take her own car instead of joining in Clarke's. She kissed her and promised to see her back in the tower.

Anya was waiting for her inside her car.

"It's done, Commander" she greeted after assessing Lexa's good health and condition.

"I want our troops to remain in Arkadia's capital" Lexa said.

"They don't attack capitals" Anya countered.

"You suppose we wait until they do then recall soldiers to defend a city hours away?"

"I suppose we let Arkadia sort their mess out while we make sure we have enough soldiers to defend them when it turns out they could not"

"Keep the troops in the city and we need not find out if they could or they could not."

Anya sighed. Lexa did not continue the discussion. When she made her leave to see Clarke that afternoon, Anya informed her that they have an opening to leave for Trihaven that night.

"I am sorry" she called after Lexa.

"For arguing" Lexa assumed.

"That you have to go see her only to say goodbye again."

Lexa grunted at the sentiment.

"Do not feign your indifference, Commander. I know the face of someone who has to say goodbye to their girlfriend sooner than they would like."

Lexa shared a look with Anya.

War has casualties that does not claim lives. And while that was almost a blessing, its pain throbs deeper.

Anya gave her a bow and left.

Lexa walked solemnly to Clarke's room. She was greeted with a tight embrace and a longing kiss. Clarke inspected her more thoroughly than when they met at the airport and she allowed her to scrutinize everything. She scoffed slightly when Clarke paid extra attention to her knuckles which bore no marks of having been in a fight. When Clarke cleared her of any injuries warranting medical attention, she scooped her up and carried her to the bed.

Clarke looked amused as Lexa laid her down delicately and loomed over her before peppering her with kisses. She teased her that if Lexa kept kissing her like that, she would not want to stop.

“Maybe that is a good thing” Lexa heard just how desirous her growl was. She crawled towards the top of the bed and pulled Clarke against her chest in a protective hug. “But I leave again in half an hour.”

Clarke sighed and buried her face in Lexa’s chest, her teeth clashing with Lexa’s dog tag.

Lexa wanted to apologize but she knew there was no reason to. The fact that she was safe and lying in bed with Clarke while her people were either dying or in the front lines of death were of consequence. If she were to apologize, it would be for this transgression. This momentary escape.

People’s lives were at their end and here she was, making sure that this relationship they had started was working.

It was a relationship, was it not?

It is. It must be.

 One cannot simply call this a fling. And it definitely is not simply sleeping around. Not when the prospect of sex is in limbo.

For the most part, she feels that while the world is plunging into hell, her borrowed time on earth with Clarke is her own version of limbo. Neither in eternal torment nor in divine bliss. And yet, she felt no need to change it. They were not guaranteed tomorrow so as much as she could, with very little apologies, Lexa would like to make the most of all the heartbeats she shares with Clarke.

Even if about a few minutes later, she could not answer her when she asked about Arkadia. Neither could she give a definite timetable on how long will she be gone. Clarke stared up at her and kissed her on the jaw, lips lingering in slow motion that she swore she felt Clarke’s tongue taste her.

Lexa sighed. She wondered how long would her self-control last before she would have to surrender to all that her body clamours for. Clarke must have seen this yearning in her eyes because for a minute or so, she just stared at her, waiting and imploring her to make a move.

Lexa shuddered at the thought. She saw Clarke conclude that the moment had passed and relented to a meek kiss.

“As things stand, where is Arkadia in all this?” Clarke asked as she laid her head back onto Lexa’s chest.

“I am unsure of where we stand”

Clarke’s soft chuckle caught Lexa off guard. She peeked down on her and asked what was that for. Clarke mused that it was nothing but after some prodding she finally admitted that it was the theme of her life lately.

Not knowing where things stand.

Lexa frowned at her, knowing that this was not simply about alliances and the war.

Clarke shrugged and muttered that Octavia had asked earlier if they were officially together yet. She quickly added that she had already explained that they don’t need to. They already know how important they are to each other and until there is a need to add formalities into it, they were okay.

Lexa’s frown became more pronounced with the explanation. She was sure where they stand. She was not seeing anybody else. Nor does she desire anybody else. Nor would she ever. And she was sure Clarke knew this. She did show up in her room in the middle of the night and bared her soul.

There is no other person she would ever come home to except Clarke. And while it has been increasingly become more awkward not to know what to address Clarke in public, she always thought that was her own issue. She thought everyone knew anyway and would have to deal with it the same way that she has to deal with calling Clarke…hers.

Had Octavia asked Lexa, she would have answered in a heartbeat that she is Clarke’s.

Why is Clarke’s answer…complicated?

Lexa raised an eyebrow and Clarke sighed at how confused she looked.

“I don’t understand the problem. What are you saying?”

“I still don't know what we are”

“What do you mean?”

Clarke inched a little farther from her before sitting up and turning to face her. She held Lexa’s hand for assurance but it was this very gesture that made Lexa question just who exactly she was assuring.

“I mean” she led off. “I know how I feel about you.”

“As do I for you...”

“But I don't-- I'm not sure where we are?” Clarke continued and Lexa wondered again if that was a question she was asking herself or she was asking Lexa. “We're just kinda dancing around it. So it's a little weird.”

“You want to—“ Lexa tried to process. “What is it that you want?”

Clarke’s breath broke her speech down and she shrugged with a sheepish.

“I want what we both want and I'm still figuring out if those are the same things”

“Clarke? I want you” Lexa repeated with a hint of the anxiety she has been harbouring that maybe she has not made this simple, universal truth clear as the light of day.

“Okay. Good” Clarke giggled in relief. “Cause that's-- yeah. I want you too. It's just this morning Raven - in between scouting reports or whatever - asked what we are.”

“I am confused.”

“I’m sorry, I just…I mean. It’s not an issue. It’s just that yeah, I kinda didn’t have a definite answer for her that would…suit us both.”

“Suit us both” Lexa echoed the words but not the comprehension.

Clarke nodded.

“Explain.”

“Um. Like. What are you, Lexa? To me. I don't know how to put it other than I'm you know, with you.”

“I am yours” Lexa vowed so serenely and sincerely that her own words made her shiver a little. Not from fear or uncertainty but out of intensity of her conviction.

Conviction.

Conviction as striking, as pure and yet gentle as the first ray of the morning sun.

Clarke beamed at her, biting the inside of her mouth as though it would help stop the redness on her cheeks and the satisfaction in her eyes.

“We can go with that” she whispered before giving Lexa a quick kiss. “Now, why don’t we feed my mighty warrior?”

Lexa froze in bed as Clarke climbed out of it and started to fix some of her things before heading out for dinner. She listened absentmindedly as Clarke babbled on about what she and Octavia talked about and even when Clarke mentioned not wanting to talk to her mother but fearing that she might need to, Lexa was still stuck on what Clarke had implied earlier.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Clarke asked when she finished putting her things away.

Lexa looked up to her and felt more inept in that moment than she ever has in her life. How can she figure out connections and plan out entire strategies based on subtle patterns and behaviours but miss what is technically missing in their relationship? And miss it while it was blatantly hinted out to her by the girl she could spend her entire life watching and listening to?

“I have never done this” she blurted out. “Us. Being an us. A we. You know my history, it was never like this. I—We never had this conversation or people outside of it.”

“Baby, it’s fine. Really. Don’t stress.”

Lexa shook her head, rather furiously that she has been clueless all this time, even when she has been making every effort to be available to Clarke.

“Am I missing a protocol?”

Clarke huffed her chuckles and beamed at her fondly. Lexa found herself more breathless at that sight than all the horrors of a war. She could fight on legions of enemy troops, wild rebels and savages until her last breath and she would not have missed a hitch sigh. Yet, here in this room, her lungs would have given out at the sight of Clarke’s smile.

“I swear, you're doing okay. We'll figure the rest out as we go.”

Clarke nodded at her encouragingly before turning towards the door.

“Did you want to have dinner here or—“

They do not have a lot of time. This much, Lexa knows. The war will spread whether they like it or not. And by then, they will have more to figure than just what they are to each other. And they should not have to wait that long if they already know.

It was, Lexa maintains, a ridiculous notion to still dance around it. It was almost insulting to the both of them not to know what answer to provide should it be demanded of them again.

She got out of bed and stood on attention. The same way she did when she made her oath as Commander.

Strong. Sure. Stable.

Solemn.

“Clarke.”

“Yeah?”

“Come here.”

Clarke mouthed a confused ‘why’ but walked towards her, an eyebrow raised in her own brand of confusion.

“What?”

“Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke tilted her head in curiosity if whether Lexa was all right or not.

“Yeah…?”

Lexa cleared her throat, half in disbelief that she was going to do this and half in ridicule that she found a strange whiz of satisfaction.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” she whispered, her lips trembling while her voice gentle danced.

Clarke blinked at her before snorting once the question sunk it. Lexa had always said her voice was melodic and her laughter an orchestra but all the times she had marvelled at both would pale in comparison to tonight’s display.

“Did you ask Octavia about protocol?” she asked wrapping her hands at the back of Lexa’s neck before kissing her on the jaw.

“No.”

“Hmm”

Lexa felt her skin heat up on the surfaces that Clarke had kissed. She placed her shaky hands on Clarke’s hips and sighed contentedly that this was real. Tomorrow, she will leave. And she can promise to come home, as she always does, but she knew better than anyone that not all soldiers come home.

But this is real.

Clarke. This moment.

This…love.

Real.

“I just thought if they asked, you would have a definite answer” Lexa tried to say casually though her frenzied heartbeats would have given her away.

Clarke nodded and kissed the top of her nose before stopping altogether. She stared right at Lexa and for all the times that Lexa has stared up the sky and the stars, she had never known that there was an entire world in just one person.

“You are adorable” Clarke mused.

Lexa blinked at her, slightly in stern reproach

“You have not answered.”

Clarke chuckled again and nodded.

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa kissed her, slower and more heated than she had intended. When they pulled away for a split second, she felt her skin tingle with the electricity that Clarke’s lingering tongue on her lips cause. She pulled her closer, drawing her own lips all over Clarke’s neck before going back for a hunger-filled lip-lock.

If they don’t stop now, she might never leave.

Lexa’s hand pulled slightly at Clarke’s shorts before she had to wilfully direct her hands to roam her back instead. She languished at the pure ecstasy of having their chests against each other and Clarke literally crumbling at her touch.

“Okay” Clarke pulled away, breathless.

Lexa exhaled, breathless too at the sight of how dark Clarke’s eyes had gone. She pulled her for one last kiss, this time calmer now but not less…wanting.

“Let's go have dinner or you'll miss your plane.”

The stability of her short time with Clarke had given Lexa enough time to relax that she had carried a rather light apprehension on her flight to Trihaven. Once they were in secure airspace, she called her to see if she had made good on her promise get some rest but was not at all surprised that she was still awake, studying. Once they said good night, she met Anya’s careful gaze from across her.

Lexa scorned the forced patient face on Anya’s face. She knew that she was still waiting for orders about Arkadia. She also knew that the longer they wait, the more irreparable the consequences might bring. But she was still missing a valid reason other than fear that the Cold Mountains station will fall. That was an infallible fortress. Stronger than Trihaven’s base and almost as formidable as the walls surround the inner cities of Polis and Trikru Tower. Pulling out troops from Arkadia which is less secure is a show of weakness.

It was fear of a tomorrow that might never come.

Anya would argue that it was assuring that tomorrow does come. If the Cold Mountains base does fall, Arkadia would be defenceless anyway. It was a valid point except that Lexa has long abandoned the reasoning that all their enemies are outside their walls. As the days pass, she has come to believe that they do have traitors in their midst and the more they move around their men, the more difficult it is to keep track of everyone.

Anya asked how long they were to table the debate.

“We shall see how Trihaven is” Lexa concluded. “Then I shall decide. You have my word.”

The sight of a dark smoke from the distance as they landed in a smaller, less advanced airport made Lexa immediately regret making that promise. She stared in horror at Anya who had already started barking orders at people to find out where the smoke was coming from. As they ran to their waiting car, Lexa heard on the radio that the smoke was coming from Indra’s camp.

Anya did not need telling twice when she ordered for contact with Indra right away. It took them another hour to reach the outskirts of Trihaven, where Indra had set up camp with the men he had brought with. Lexa was torn between angrily yelling why Indra had not confirmed her life and completely buckling at the relief she met with at the sight of her mentor.

Indra was burning an entire factory. When the stench finally registered, Lexa realized that there were bodies inside.

“Commander, they came with poison” Indra reported. “This time, it infects. Blood on blood. I sent my wounded men as far away as possible.”

Lexa’s eyes narrowed and wordlessly asked the question that was surely to follow. She felt her throat drop to the pits of her stomach when Indra nodded to confirm that it was essentially the same poison used on Roan. Only this time, it is weaponized in that anyone who has been laced with it may not immediately lose consciousness as Roan had.

Instead, for a short period, they can become rabid.

And infect.

Like mad wolves sent to slaughter.

“You are coming back with me” Lexa ordered Indra on the spot.

Indra looked like she had a protest in her but kept it to herself. Lexa did not try to hide the fear in her eyes. It would be unwise for her to. She was afraid. If this kind of warfare reached the walls of Polis, they were not ready to combat it. Her men would shoot on sight. They would kill without question. But they might have to kill blood.

And never has there been, in the history of Polis, that a war was won when men had resorted to killing their own.

“Anya, pull out our reserved forces. A full battalion. Infantry and half a dozen medical teams. I want Trihaven quarantined.”

“I will call the Surgeon General” Anya excused herself.

“Thirty” Indra said quietly.

“Of our people in there?”

“Yes.”

“And theirs?”

“Fifty. More or less.”

Lexa closed her eyes.

The prospect of tomorrow has dimmed.

They travelled back to the main town in silence. Indra, deep in thought, probably already hatching revenge strategy. Anya seemed more serene than quiet. Like she was mourning for the souls who were now mere smoke.

Lexa was thinking of how dark the sky was.

Dark from the smoke. Dark from the late winter sky.

Dark enough to cover the sun.

They devised a plan among the three of them. They decided how to handle the quarantine, debated on how much the public should know and came to an agreement on which General they wanted to head the reinforcing troops. They put all three of their staffs to work and in the course of three days, Lexa had inspected troops, dispatched soldiers, participated in actual exchange of gunfire and had buried more bodies than she has in the past year of being the Commander.

They stayed for another week in Trihaven until they were sure that the woods were clear of any rebels and until it had become apparent that the prisoners they captured would need a more equipped unit to facilitate their interrogations. On their last day in Trihaven, Lexa watched at vials of the poison were stored away to be shipped and destroyed in a dumpsite as far away from any form of civilization as possible. As she watched the convoy wheel out of their military base, Lexa heard herself breathe.

All has been quiet for the past three days. All the scouting reports came clean and all surveillance footages are clear. Trihaven, for the time being, was safe.

But the silence has never been her friend.

It was as deceptive as the promise of a morning.

Indra asked if she had second thoughts of leaving. She had stayed long enough and there was more work to be done at Polis. The battlefronts are fought by soldiers. Their Commander needs to oversee it. But not this far. Lexa had eyed her then and scoffed. She reminded Indra that she had the best teacher in all of Polis. She can handle her political affairs and still wield a gun.

“I would believe your teacher taught you not even the Commander is immortal” Indra tried to control her frustration.

“She also forewarned reincarnation” Lexa teased.

She was, of course, going home. There was no doubt in her mind that she needs to be in Polis. But it was easy to forget the realities of war when you have a bed to sleep in, guards at your door and a beautiful woman holding you all night.

But that was why she had to go home.

She has someone waiting for her now.

“You have to be dead to be reincarnated, Commander” Indra said through clenched teeth.

When Anya came to get them for their flight back to Arkadia, she frowned at how Indra was fuming. She pursed her lips at Lexa and Lexa knew that she overheard the conversation. Instead of teasing Indra some more, she asked if Lincoln was ready to meet them at the airport.

“Yes. And he wanted to give you a heads up” Anya warned. “His best interrogation agent has been pulled from taking charge of Clarke’s security team.”

“Acceptable.”

“We will be short on…unit heads in a few weeks, Commander”

Lexa glared. Her disdain was confirmed when they arrived back in the tower and she decided to head straight to Clarke’s room. She found Luna on watch at the far end of the corridor, at the exact same spot she had sat on the night that she did the watch herself. Luna gave her a salute, reported that judging by movement and sounds, Clarke had just fallen asleep a few minutes ago.

“Commander, my watch officially starts next month. I am here…to wait for you” Luna informed her.

“Because?”

“I was told to give you due warning of my re-assignment and am under strict orders to ask whether we have settled all our grievances.”

“I have no grievance to settle, Luna. Unless in a month’s time you would manage to let my girlfriend be kidnapped again.”

Lexa dismissed her without another word and checked her watch.

She has a few hours until Clarke usually wakes up and there was no possibility of her going to sleep. She walked up to her office and to the shock of her cadets, gave instructions to leave out all documents which need signing or review on her table. She then started working. She ordered them to go to sleep but seeing as none of their superiors were leaving the Commander’s side, they all stayed too.

That was a welcome comfort for Lexa amidst combing through detailed reports of Lincoln regarding her generals. Lincoln had listed three names. None of them have shown any signs of treasons or plots against Lexa. All of them, however, have refused being posted to Arkadia. As well as all kinds of invitations which would require mingling with Arkadians.

And they are the only three who still have men tailing both her and Clarke.

Lexa walked around the bend of the floor to where Anya’s office was. She found her sitting on her desk watching a satellite map being projected on the wall. Lexa recognized it as three different sets of terrains. Arkadia, The Cold Mountains and Trihaven. Anya was so deep in thought that Lexa had to toss her tablet on the desk for Anya to notice her.

“I knew it was you” she defended.

“Are you looking for a connection?” Lexa asked, nodding at the wall.

“There is bound to be one.”

Lexa stared at the wall.

“Let me know if you find it” she said sleepily. “Lincoln’s report.”

“I read it. Want to hear something interesting?”

“Two of them were stationed to Trihaven and The Cold Mountains about a year before I ascended?”

Anya rolled her eyes at her and called her a know-it-all teasily.

“And the other one was in the committee you put together. Before we asked the late Chancellor to build us a bomb. In fact, he voted for a “regulated, biochemical weapon.’”

Lexa exhaled and Anya understood. She said she will set up a meeting for them that morning. She also informed her that there was an agreement reached between her and Indra.

No more travelling for Lexa until the Generals either have been found guilty or cleared.

“Then I shall make my way downstairs” Lexa declared, not bothering to argue with an excuse to stay closer to Clarke.

She ordered for the security team to stand guard near the elevators instead and to vacate the hall. Gus would take over watching the door. She made sure that her orders were followed before pushing Clarke’s door open as quietly as possible.

It was still fairly dark inside although the first few signs of the new day were already starting to peep through the half-open balcony doors. Lexa slowly started taking off the coat of her uniform and was thankful that she had on her field dress set and not the more medalled full dress one. She finally discarded her coat and had moved on to untying her shoes by Clarke’s bedside table when the clanging of loose blades from her belt reverberated in the shadowy bedroom.

She looked up and sure enough, Clarke’s sleeping figure started to stir. Lexa smiled at her when her eyes focused on her.

“Hi” she whispered.

“Hey, you’re back?” Clarke fought off a yawn. She sat up slowly, one eye still closed as she watched Lexa take off her boots. “When did you get in?”

“Last night.”

Lexa walked over to her, knelt on the bed and gave her a good morning kiss.

There was something different with the way they moved now. Lexa did not want to admit it but this is the first time that the security they have always felt with each other was now coupled with…freedom. It did not feel like a stolen kiss on a borrowed time.

“Sorry” she murmured into Clarke’s lips before leaning in for another quick peck. “I did not want to wake you. I finished paperwork instead.”

“Hmm…”

“I have a free day today” Lexa declared, pulling away and going back to undressing. “And it has been decided I should stay here for the duration of the conflicts. Travelling…will be tricky this next few months.”

“So free day and staying in Polis?”

Lexa nodded before going inside Clarke’s bathroom. She looked for a spare guest shirt in the guest drawers and lamented. She needs to let Clarke know that they should decide on a room to stay in. And by that, she has to ask her to just move into her bedroom upstairs.

“I know what happened in Trihaven” Clarke said from outside. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how you can have a free day after that.”

“Do you know about the assault?”

“Yeah” Clarke answered testily. “And how you did not stay behind at the base.”

Lexa said nothing as she washed her face. She could feel the reality of what happened only starting to sink in with Clarke. As much as she did not want or need one, considering she had quite enough with both Anya and Indra, she was prepared to defend herself from the scrutiny that comes with Clarke’s overprotectiveness.

If there was anything she learned as she watched the families of those whose bodies they buried was that it was always or difficult to those who get left behind. She never had someone waiting home for her. She only ever had people who counted that she stayed alive. Standing at funeral pyres with Clarke at the back of her mind was another new thing that has become real to her.

War might be harder to those who have to allow their loved ones to fight.

“It’s a tough blow, babe” Clarke said slowly. “I’m sorry”

“It is being handled” Lexa assured her, taking out a standard ARMY shirt and changing into it. “I have a meeting this morning but after that, I have nothing else scheduled.”

Clarke studied her when she got out of the bathroom.

“You should sleep.”

“I had thought you would welcome more time together? Did I overstep my assumption?”

“No, no, no. It’s not that. I just--- I know you would be busy after Trihaven. And I heard you have meetings lined up and even if you hate listening to numbers talk, you still do have to sit in to those, now more than ever. Also…you need to rest before—and—Why are you looking at me like that?”

Lexa’s gaze at Clarke babbling had narrowed in suspicion.

“Are you getting rid of me?”

Clarke chuckled before nodding at her desk, practically invisible under a pile of notes and books.

“Exams” Clarke admitted with a guilty smile.

“Of course. I will stay out of your way. Even if this is my tower.”

Clarke pouted at her and she managed her first laugh since seeing the sight that greeted her in Trihaven.

“I do want time. And I’m glad no more travels for you. I am. Trust me, I’m through the moon about this and I can’t wait to have more free time together – your definition of free anyway – but just not this week? I have two exams in a day for the next four days.”

“Like I said, I will stay out of your way. On one condition”

“What?”

“Sleep upstairs?”

“Tonight?”

Lexa shifted her weight and cleared her throat. She caught a mischievous smile twitching on Clarke’s lip.

“After you study. Or after all your exams. Whenever it might be convenient for you to…sleep there. All…nights afterwards.”

Clarke laughed at her dotingly before pulling her in for a full kiss.

“Did you just ask me to move in with you?”

“I am not sure what that means”

Clarke laughed again, releasing her hold on Lexa and allowing herself to be pulled out of bed.

“Can I expect you at breakfast though?” she asked as Lexa reminded her that she has a meeting scheduled that morning. “I’ll get ready real quick”

Lexa frowned uncomfortably then checked her watch.

“Coffee.”

“I’ll take what I can get” Clarke stated animatedly.

“I will see you upstairs.”

“Hey, babe?”

Lexa rolled her eyes when she caught Clarke’s eye looking her from head to foot.

“Yes, love?”

Clarke raised an eyebrow at the term of endearment. Lexa challenged her to actually bring it up but Clarke just pursed her lips, as though knowing that it was a trap.

“You can’t wear that to a meeting” she said instead, pointing at the t-shirt.

“It’s an informal talk with my generals followed by a conference call with your mom” Lexa smirked. “I would assume she is less…stringy on fashion than her daughter? I also have not slept since I got in, nor have I bathed as I endeavoured to finish reading and answering reports and signing emergency orders so that I may have time to spend with my girlfriend before another base erupts in flames.”

Clarke snorted.

“Fine.”

Lexa smiled.

“I’m putting on a uniform over this” she promised as she left. “Coffee in my room. Ten minutes.”

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?” Lexa sighed patiently at another interruption.

“Wake me up next time.”

Lexa smiled warmly and gratefully at her. She bit her lip to stop herself from never leaving the room. She nodded her ascent and met Anya outside the door with a huge gleeful grin that she never wears.

Anya eyed her with a knowing curiosity before dismissing the soldier reporting to her. Lexa thought he was familiar but could not point out just where she saw him before. Anya informed her that the generals are all on their way before asking if she has made a decision on what to do with the prisoners they brought back with them from Trihaven. Lexa ordered for them to be interrogated right away.

Just as they were about to join her summoned generals, Lexa remembered the soldier’s face. She saw him before when she and Clarke stowed away one night to the rooftop just to get away from the pressure of her paperwork and Clarke’s school demands. Lexa stopped and confronted Anya about having her own people look into Clarke.

Anya said that it was not Clarke she was looking after. Lexa stated her disbelief and reluctantly, Anya confessed but did not apologize. If anything, she only lamented that Clarke has grown to adapt to this new at a surprisingly fast pace. She also was more than aware that she has eyes on her. And she seemed to know which soldier belonged to which general. Including Anya.

“And I would think she plans certain trips. For example, if it’s someone else’s men on her, she would go about her regulated schedule. If it’s Titus’s men, she is extra careful. Like she knows he is her biggest critic. If it’s Indra’s, it’s another thing. If it’s mine…well, she hardly cares. Our men could have different sets of reports and it would all be premeditated on her part.”

Lexa wordlessly asked if this was a bad thing.

Anya retreated to thoughtfulness. She had wondered the same thing. For the most part, it made the jobs of those loyal to Lexa easier. It also, in a grander scheme, provided for a profile on Clarke that was both worthy of note and nothing of deep consequence. Then again, should those who oppose the Commander find out that they were essentially being duped, it is proof that Arkadian exploits what resources are available to them.

And it would give those who are against having Clarke there in the first place, plenty of ammunition for their cause to keep her away from Lexa.

Anya could not give Lexa a yes or no answer.

“Clarke is increasingly aware of eyes on her. She picks up quick, learns quicker. She knows her way around people and more importantly, whether it is a good thing or bad, she knows where to place them. For the future, for now, ally, friend, can be trusted, used…the works. It should prove a worthy try to study her mind, Commander. It should also make her some enemies”

These were thoughts which lingered with Lexa as they attempted a charade meeting of special assignments to the generals. Anya would strategically place double-purposed questions and Lexa would assess the answers. They never once tried to convey to each other their reactions. In the ends, Lexa decided that the best way to get the truth out, if there were any truths to extract, was to keep them closer. She gave them new orders that would confine them to the tower. The lack of protest on their end bothered Lexa for the entirety of the week even as she kept an extra closer eye on them.

It was both a welcome reprieve as it was a nagging thought late in the evening that she and Clarke seem to have found common ground in their relationship. Lexa had worried how she could possibly keep track of the war while having a divided attention. But it seemed time was an easier problem when they barely saw each other because of their travels. The more time they spent together, the more it has occurred to her that Clarke has made strides and strides in miles of adjusting to her schedule.

They also hardly ever argue. She asked Clarke while they were taking a walk in the training grounds of the Academy on why she was no longer met with such a strong opposition with regards to politics. In her concern to get to the bottom of all the questions which have hounded her since that first morning they woke up together, she laid out her confusion as to the changes in their dynamic.

Clarke brushed the back of her hand against Lexa’s. It was, as they agreed, a poor substitute to actually holding hands. But they also agreed to keep the public display of their affections to the confidence of the Tower and, on most occasions, to their rooms. Lexa recognized the contact as Clarke’s subtle way of telling her not to worry about anything.

Lexa pursued the matter all the way to her room that evening and Clarke finally relented.

“I don’t always agree with you but I’m you girlfriend, not your political adviser. I almost lost you once because I didn’t have a line between who you are to me and who you are to the world. So unless the issue concerns our relationship or your life, health and safety, I’ll let you handle it” she explained.

Lexa accepted but later that evening when they were both asleep, she nudged Clarke awake.

“Clarke” she whispered in a hoarse sleepless voice.

Clarke squinted at her in the dark before asking in worry if something was wrong.

“Nothing. I just need you to know something.”

“Sure?”

“I never want you to be less than who you are simply out of fear you would lose me. Okay?”

“Is this about what I said earlier?”

Lexa nodded.

“Agreed, Commander. Will you please go to sleep now? You have work in two hours.”

Lexa chuckled in the dark before resuming her role as the big spoon that night.

The schedule was also another tricky situation. She found herself growing anxious at how very little they still see each other even if they were both in the Tower. Clarke sleeps in most mornings and studies most afternoons or evenings at around the same time Lexa gets out of the office. It got easier when the exam week has passed but that was also the same time the fighting outside Trihaven picked up again. On the weekends when Clarke has a freer hold on her studies, Lexa usually has training or reviewing troops leaving or returning from active areas of conflict.

Lexa also found herself growing restless. She had been warned by Indra just before her Ascension that she would see less of the battlefield. Her job was no longer to march and shoot but to give orders on where to march, who gets to shoot and at whom. Every report she reads through now, whether it be of grandiose triumph or small defeats, only propelled her need to be in the frontlines.

Even Raven’s regular reports on the situation with the bomb made her want to travel the distance to ascertain for herself the situation. It had helped that the Chancellor would be sending a new team to oversee the weapon at the end of the week and had given her leave to retain the current team until they can be sure that none of them had been leaking information.

The lack of answers about everything else, however, caused her much frustration. She had never felt more cuffed by her position as the most powerful person in this part of the world and yet be so powerless in the face of hardly known enemies.

By the third weekend she was back, she had effectively sent Indra back to Trihaven and had another potentially critical argument with Anya about Arkadia that she physically had to remove herself from her own office. She marched to no particular destination until she remembered that for all her time at home, she had not even seen Clarke since yesterday morning.

She found her downstairs, inclined on her back and reading quietly at the balcony. She smiled when she spotted a new painting on the side and figured that Clarke must have had another talk with Abby about Jake. She has learned in her prolonged time in the tower that Clarke paints night scenes whenever she thought of her father.

Clarke made space for her on the couch but her intense focus on her book made Lexa sigh loudly. Clarke smirked, asked her what was wrong but continued reading.

“I have not seen you since yesterday” Lexa lamented.

“We sleep in the same bed, babe.”

“You were asleep when I got in and I had to leave before you woke up”

Clarke looked up from her book and raised an eyebrow. She waited until Lexa setted on the couch before putting her leg on Lexa’s lap and tapped her shoulder with her foot. Lexa understood that us her open invitation to unload the burdens of her day so she did. When she reached the part about fighting Anya, Clarke slowly closed her book.

“You walked out on Anya?” she repeated. “Why?”

Lexa posed the situation in Arkadia as a hypothetical question. She presented the facts and the arguments on both sides while also putting emphasis on what the “ruler of such kingdom” had opined. When she was at the tail-end of her narration, Clarke opened her book and started reading again.

“This is ridiculous” Lexa declared, not finishing what she was trying to stay.

“What?” Clarke said with a smile from behind her book.

“This”

“I don’t know…war strategy, Lexa.”

Lexa reached over and knocked on Clarke’s book, half as a joke and half to ask for her attention back. She sensed that Clarke already knew she was referring about Arkadia and despite adapting a routine of complete transparency between them, she knew that Clarke was still cautious about speaking her mind regarding her home country. And why, despite Lexa’s promises that they will not fight about it, was still an exasperating mystery for her.

“You are studying witchcraft” she teased dryly.

“Actually it’s for a paper on medieval practices of medicine and their correlation to modern breakthroughs.”

“Clarke.”

“I’m kidding. Well, not about the topic. It really is about that.”

“Clarke.” Lexa repeated through gritted teeth when she saw that Clarke’s grin was growing.

“Yeah?”

Lexa rolled her eyes and pulled the book down gently. Clarke beamed at her then propped herself up to kiss her in apology.

“Is this working?” Lexa asked, after pretending that the kiss made up for nothing.

It made up for a lot.

Clarke breathed slowly, as though the question confused her. It was, to Lexa’s admission, a double-edged inquiry. She shrugged at their current position, pointing the query towards their relationship and not her qualms about the ongoing war outside the walls of Polis.

Clarke held her gaze patiently. She may not know much of war strategy but between the two of them, she knew who was more comfortable being in an official relationship.

“You have been back less than a month. We’re not going to know if this system we have – if it’s a system at all – is working.”

“We only see each other in the mornings.”

“Did you miss the part I just said that we sleep in the same bed?”

“We ever only have mornings!”

“There was a time when we didn’t see each other at all. Why are you stressing?”

“I am unsure of this set-up.”

Clarke reached for her clenched fist and kissed her knuckles.

“Babe, this is the longest you have been back since I got here. It’s going to take some getting used to.”

Lexa nodded absentmindedly. She avoided Clarke’s eyes as she thought of a way to broach the dilemma in Arkadia.

“Is that what is really bothering you?” Clarke asked, putting a gentle hand under her chin and gently guiding her back to facing her.

Lexa shook her head. She was tired from the day and she was tired from having to defend her position.

“I don’t know if I should move my troops closer to Arkadia. It’s been an ongoing argument with Anya.”

“Should you be telling me this?”

“No” she admitted. “But I need a new perspective and you are studying witchcraft. Who knows what you have to offer?”

“I’m not studying witchcraft.”

“Okay.” Lexa laughed when Clarke stuck her tongue out at her. “See, you are already helping. Level with me here. Please.”

Clarke took a deep breath and dropped her legs from Lexa’s lap. She stood and leaned on the rails of the balcony, studying the intensity of her girlfriend’s request. 

“If you keep babying Arkadia, our soldiers will never learn” she said with very little deliberation.

“We have a treaty.”

“Yes. And you have provided our soldiers all that they need.”

Lexa scoffed in victory when Clarke answered too quickly. Clarke rolled her eyes at her when she pointed at that indeed, she had given it a lot of thought.

“You just do not want any more of my people in your bases” Lexa continued.

 “That too.”

“Okay.”

“Not because I question loyalty” Clarke quickly clarified, re-taking her seat. “It’s just a difference in culture, babe. Now is not exactly the time to push your ways on our men. They have their own ways to handle a threat. Train them on strategy and how to wield a weapon. But don’t push your beliefs into them.”

“I’m not.”

“Your men would.”

Lexa thought about it as Clarke settled back to her position and resumed reading. When she was tapped again with a foot, she smiled at Clarke in indulgence without revealing what her final decision was.

“Understood” she assured her.

Clarke went back to reading and Lexa watched her move from subtle interest in whatever topic she may be studying and into a more engrossed attentiveness.

“What are you reading now?”

“How to cast a spell on a Queen.”

Lexa playfully groaned her annoyance before pulling the book away from Clarke as her girlfriend protested. She held the book away from her reach and grinned when Clarke lunged herself at it, effectively making the both of them fall on the floor with Clarke pinning her down.

“Sneaky” Clarke accused her.

Lexa raised her head up to steal a kiss, relishing the freedom Clarke’s tongue enjoys in her mouth in striking contrast to expressing her views. She moaned into healthy satisfaction as Clarke’s lips travelled agonizingly slow, tracing her jaw. As always, Lexa gently tapped her girlfriend’s butt, asking permission to hold her and press her closer. Clarke breathed a hungry “please” and Lexa pulled on the girl on top of her in equal desire.

Clarke’s breath hitched against the rhythm of their hips. Lexa’s fingers fumbled dangerously at the buttons of Clarke’s jeans and she could feel herself shake in anticipation when Clarke made no attempts to stop her.

Lexa had just pulled the zipper down and Clarke had slowly descended from her jaw to her chest when they both heard the loud shutting of the door and Clarke’s name being called out. Lexa’s whole body shook in frustration and annoyance as she groaned against Clarke’s head on her chin.

Clarke had yet to resurface from hiding her face in Lexa’s chest when Octavia stopped at the balcony doors.

“Oh” she muttered. She quickly gathered herself when Clarke finally looked up from Lexa’s body and eyed her with a warning. “I’m sorry. I thought you were studying.”

“I am.”

“Oh? I’m pretty sure you’ve already learned the art of a smooch.”

“No help from you” Clarke quickly retorted as she rolled off Lexa’s body.

“Apparently you don’t need help with Anatomy either.”

Lexa stood up and took a quick look down herself to check if she was still properly clothed before catching the other two exchanging looks she did not want to ask about.

“Octavia. What is it?” she asked in her Commander voice.

Clarke stuck her tongue out at Octavia but ceased their quiet banter. She moved to Lexa’s side and kissed her on the shoulder, a little apologetically and a little imploringly to take it easy on Octavia. Lexa smirked as she realized that even if it seemed that Clarke was more engrossed in her book, she did not miss anything that was said earlier. She was more than aware of Lexa losing her legendary self-control over official matters.

“Indra’s hospital scouts are back” Octavia reported, handing her a note.

Lexa read it quickly and nodded.

“You have to go?” Clarke asked.

“Yes. This might get complicated. I might be back tom-“

“Actually, Commander” Octavia interrupted. “You might want to bring Clarke.”

“Why?” Clarke asked.

“It’s about Jake” Lexa answered, reaching for her hand and squeezing her in a supportive warning. “You might not like what you will hear.

“My father? What, why?”

“We found communication between him and Roan.”

“What?”

“Commander” Octavia’s urgent tone was enough to remind Lexa that it was best to be in a more closed setting.

“Hear what Roan has to say and I promise I will fill in the blanks” she told Clarke, taking her head and pulling her hurriedly out of the room.

Lincoln was waiting for them at the hospital which immediately alerted Lexa that something else was wrong. She ordered Octavia and the small group of Indra’s men to stay with Clarke when her brother pulled her aside. Clarke did not seem to mind, her thoughts were already miles away. She even almost kissed Lexa a quick ‘see you later’ smack but held back when Lexa’s eyes alarmed her that they were in public now.

“I’ll go check on the kids playing in the grounds” Clarke said, rolling her eyes at Lexa.

Lexa followed Lincoln in a private room and listened to what he had to say about reports coming from Arkadia. Apparently, the men the Chancellor had called back were starting to talk and they are all pointing at a conspiracy between Arkadian politicians, high-ranking council members from Polis and the Queen of Azgeda herself.

And which is more, Ontari had done her job right as there is strong reason to believe that the Queen is sending someone to send a message to her son. And that her army was already in the move. Lexa was halfway through reading some coded reports when she first got wind of the commotion outside. Lincoln peeked his head out the door and ordered someone to check out what was going on.

Lexa ignored the knife that seem to be slicing from her insides. She attributed the dread that she suddenly felt to the fact that she was reading startling numbers from the report. A soldier came bursting in the room and Lincoln was about to send him out when he spoke the words that Lexa never wanted to hear again.

“Rebels have the Chancellor’s Daughter!”

Lexa never allowed for that to sink in. She was already dashing up the stairs where soldiers were running towards to get the higher ground of the situation. When they arrived at the balcony overlooking the courtyard, she found Clarke being held hostage by a man twice her size.

“Stay back” Lincoln whispered to her.

Lexa took a few steps away from the balcony, knowing that it was not yet time to show herself. She made silent orders for snipers and reinforcements before taking a peek at the situation downstairs.

Six men, five of them with heavy machine guns. The one in the middle, in nothing but rebel gear and colors and a knife around her girlfriend’s neck. Clarke seemed to be talking to him, while her guards all have their guns pointed at the men.

The reinforcements came marching up to the balcony and no fewer than 20 men trained their guns down at the rebels. Clarke pleaded for everyone to just calm down to which Octavia, who had yet to pull out her own weapon, concurred.

The man holding Clarke yelled for Lexa and Clarke insisted that she should not brought in on this. The man would not bargain with anyone else and to an astounding show of audacity, Clarke told him that the Commander does not bargain. He would get more if he just attempted to strike a deal with Clarke.

Octavia said she would call for the Commander but only if Clarke walks. The man argued he was not stupid.

“You have the Chancellor’s Daughter against a knife, I’m pretty sure you are all kinds of dumb” Octavia taunted, resting a hand on the soldier next to her.

Lexa recognized it. It was a trademark Indra-style.

An order to relax but take aim.

The man demanded for Lexa again.

Lincoln was on the radio and as soon as they had confirmation that all the doors were sealed, the snipers were already scaling the roof and an entire squad of Indra’s men are waiting for Lexa just outside the courtyard, Lexa made her way down the stairs.

She stopped around the corner, her posse stopping on their tracks. Lexa looked up at Gus who had not taken out his weapon as well. If anything, he looked bored, as though he already knew exactly how this would end. She ordered the soldiers to arm up and they walked slowly to reveal themselves to the rebels.

Lexa spared her girlfriend’s captor no looks. Her eyes were only for Clarke. She stood next to Octavia, Lincoln, just on her right. Octavia whispered a quick rundown on how they got to this situation. The men were already there, waiting. As though they knew Clarke would be in the hospital and would end up in the courtyard.

They struck up a conversation and before anyone could ask for proper identification, they had shot two of her security details, before hitting Octavia square on the face and demanding that she call for the Commander.

Lexa remained stoic, calm…almost empty.

She studied the men’s clothes and weapon which would hint on who they were. Once she gathered that in a manner of seconds, her eyes danced back to Clarke.

A glare. A warning. A small reprimand.

A question if she was hurt.

Clarke gave the faintest of replies – telling her to please pull her man back.

Lexa shook her head.

No chance in hell.

The man noticed the exchange and tightened his hold on Clarke, snarling for her to stop sending messages as there was only one message tonight will tell.

The Commander is not indestructible. “You really don’t want to do this” Clarke told her hostage-takers. She gulped slowly at the blade kissing her neck. “They will kill you.”

“You killed my brother” he snarled in his ear.

Lexa flared when she recognized who the man was. It felt like watching a man come back to life before it occurred to her that this was the twin of one of the men who had taken Clarke that night. She met Clarke’s eyes and wondered how was it at all possible that she could not find any fear in them.

“Your brother was going to kill me” Clarke’s voice was steadier than her panting would give credit for. And in that entire courtyard, she seemed to be the calmest. “And if you attempt the same thing, you will share the same fate.”

“What use is it now?”

Lexa looked up at the roof where two snipers were already in position. One of the rebels followed her gaze and aimed her gun away from Octavia and to the man on the roof.

“Call off your men, Commander, or I will slit her throat faster than anyone can here can pull the trigger!”

Lexa glared at him with eerie coldness and remained quiet. She counted her slow breaths, keeping the man’s panicked eyes on her as reinforcements from Lincoln’s team piled in the courtyard. She signalled for them to stay back. Clarke was still in the middle of a perfect pentagram and even from up the roof, the snipers would not have the clearest of shots.

“Who do you answer to?” Clarke continued to ask the man who has a knife at her throat. “Were you sent here by anyone? Were you sent by family? Did you march up to one of the most secure facilities in the world without so much as a plan?”

“Quiet, girl”

“Okay… Okay” Clarke appeased him. “Let’s start with… What is your name, Sir?”

“Pryan” Lexa called out, her throat dry. “That’s a family name. I know because I was there when your father was exiled.”

“You watched as he was stripped from his command—“

“After treason, if I recall” Lexa taunted cautiously. She gave a signal for Lincoln to move nearer towards her as she found an angle in which he could shoot Pryan.

“And you watched as this girl killed my brother!”

“Who sent you, Pryan?” Clarke repeated her question calmly.

Lexa has never frozen in the battlefield before. She has never choked in the Blood Tournament. And she had never found herself reluctant as to issue an open fire order than now, watching as Clarke push away her own fears in an attempt to keep everyone alive.

If there ever was a flaw in Clarke’s being, it was this. She shot Lexa a pleading warning not to shoot. It was not borne out of her fears for her life. She simply did not want blood to be shed.

“Why are you here? You know they will never let you leave alive”

“You ask too many questions for a girl facing certain death.”

At the mere mention of the word, Lexa’s chest tightened and her resolve to personally kill this man hardened. She could feel Lincoln on her side finding a perfect angle for a kill shot that would leave Clarke unharmed.

“I’ve faced death before” Clarke shuddered into a nervous chuckle. While there was not a trace of fear in her eyes, the rest of her were already giving hints that she was losing her grip on the situation. She gulped slowly again and Lexa could only watch as she adjusted her breaths against the blade.

“It looked away” she continued in a voice that could have doubled as a siren’s enchantment. “You can look away too. Right now, every armed soldier in this complex has a sniper to your head. You did not come here to just kill me and you did not come here to die. You came here to be heard.”

Pryan readjusted his hold on her and the knife and that was enough for Lincoln to whisper that he has the shot. Lexa’s eyes were still fixed on her girlfriend who made another plea not to shoot.

“You can’t talk if you have a bullet to your head” Clarke whispered to her captor.

“Neither can you” he snarled, pressing the knife flatter on her neck.

“I have nothing to say…” Clarke said calmly, keeping her head as level as possible.

Lexa vowed that at the first sign of a drop of blood, she will give the signal to the snipers. They were already at the hospital. A bullet graze on Clarke’s skin was acceptable and she will spend the rest of her life apologizing for it. That was a much better scenario than allowing for this stand-off to last any longer.

“I have a life to live though. So do you.”

“People like you, arm people like them with weapons that could kill people like me” Pryan accused. “Why should you get to live your life?”

“So people like you could help me remind people like them that you have a life to live too”

Pryan snarled again and started edging towards one of his companions, as though urging him to start making their way to the exit.

“Commander, I have a clear shot” Lincoln said with cold urgency.

“Don’t” Octavia begged. She too, like Lexa, had not removed her gun although Lexa was sure their reasons for being the only two people aside from Clarke to be unarmed were completely different. “She’s got this”

“What-“

“Lincoln. Please” Octavia pleaded quietly.

Lexa pried her eyes away from Clarke and glanced quickly at Octavia. There were no fears in her too. She was tensed and angry but not at all scared. She almost looked confident that Clarke will talk her way out of this situation. Her fists were clenched and her jaw were set but her eyes were as calm as the summer skies in Clarke’s.

“Commander?” Lincoln waited for confirmation.

Lexa stood frozen for a heartbeat before managing to raise a steady hand in command.

Every soldier understood it.

Stall.

Clarke visibly sighed in relief.

“Who sent you?” she asked Pryan.

“Your Commander has many enemies, Clarke Griffin. You should not be here.”

Lexa could not have anticipated the next answer nor Clarke’s scoff that could have nearly cut her own throat.

“If you were sent to kill _my_ Commander, then this is exactly where I should be” Clarke declared in the resolute boldness that made Lexa fall for her in the first place.

Lexa kept her hand in the air and she could feel Lincoln’s impatient breath next to her. She maintained the order while imploring Clarke to quickly get to her point. She had spent the better part of their relationship being teased by Clarke on most mornings for always knowing when to stop herself from having sex with her own girlfriend. The fact that she has not killed six men holding said girlfriend hostage now should be a better testament to her fabled restraint

“But you’re not here for her. You’re here for me” Clarke continued, thanking Lexa with a look. There was a glimmer in her tenacious gaze that suggested to Lexa that they were both thinking about the same thing just now. Whether it was appropriate timing or not. “Why? To take me again? You already know she won’t bargain my life for your causes. So what is it that you want from me?”

Lexa watched as the malicious, vile and vengeful glow from Pryan halted for a minute. He was stomped and for a moment, he did not have a taunt or a reply. He must not have assumed that Clarke would fight him this way. Or readily air out what she must have read from the situation.

Pryan tightened his grip on her but did not answer.

Lexa then realized what Anya had been saying all along was true.

Clarke knows people. And for better or worse, she knows how to use this for or against them.

“I want Arkadia to stop playing pawn to Polis” Pryan eventually answered when Clarke reminded him that his time to talk was running out. “You trade people for technology. You trade lives for security. You trade homes for warzones.”

“I’m not the one with a knife against a girl’s throat here” Clarke said quietly and when Lexa saw the anger spur up in Pryan’s eyes, she wished her girlfriend would just shut the hell up. “I’m not the one who ransacked villages, towns and steal people’s sons. You cannot blame us for fighting a war you started.”

“And you cannot brand us rebels for refusing to be dictated by your Commander. Or bandits for refusing to trade with your Chancellors.”

“You refuse the rule law, Sir…and yet want to reap its rewards. Forcefully, if you must. Always forcefully, if you could get away with it. What do you want to be called?”

“Free” Pryan scowled into her ear.

Lexa could tell that this was coming to an end shortly. How, she could not detect that far. She signalled for Lincoln to take better aim and one of Pryan’s men followed him with an aim. Lincoln hardly noticed the gun pointed at him. Octavia, on the other hand, growled at it.

“Put down your gun and I promise you, you can walk out of here freely” Clarke urged him. “You have my word, you will go home alive and in one piece.”

“Clarke!” Lexa meant for it to be a warning but no one miles away from where they were would have missed the anger that drowned what caution she was trying to invoke.

Lincoln released the safety on his gun.

Clarke begged Lexa again. Lexa shook her head. Time for talks was running out. She could feel the countdown in her head.

“You can tell your people, the Arkadia’s Chancellor’s daughter will listen” Clarke continued to promise.

“Commander” Lincoln asked for an order again.

Lexa subtly shook her head. She was cursing this situation in every language she knows and if she were not too preoccupied with trying to decide how best to get her girlfriend back so she could give her a piece of her mind.

“What is she doing?” Lincoln grumbled with an unusual display of menace.

“Getting intel without bloodshed” Octavia whispered.

“The Chancellor’s daughter will listen to rebels?” Pryan spit out the words like it they come with an unforgivable insult.

“No” Clarke replied, closing her eyes for a second, thoughtful though struggling. Lexa knew it all too well as in the past weeks, that was how Clarke handled every instance where they were leading to a possible fight or argument. It annoyed Lexa then but gave her hope now that maybe Clarke does have this in the bag.

“No, The Chancellor’s daughter will listen to the man who spared her life.”

Pryan looked straight at Lexa and assessed whether he was being baited or not. Lexa, remained as stoic as her anger would allow her. It was an impossible feat as she had every other faculty and nerve in her controlling the urge to put a bullet in every rebel’s head. No part of her was ready to give Clarke the words that Pryan wanted and no part of her, even if ready, wanted to.

“I walk out of here. Unharmed. You expect me to believe that when your Commander has no mercy in her eyes?”

Clarke breathed slowly then tilted her head as carefully as she could. Lexa felt her stomach twist at the tiniest of her movements. She met Clarke’s eyes and shook her head slowly. She could not make the same promise. Not when there was a knife and six men standing between the two of them. No, she did not need to make a lie of an oath when Lincoln has a clean shot and the snipers have already signalled the same.

“Lexa” Clarke called out her name.

Unlike with Pryan, Clarke did not need to have more words with Lexa.

They have always shared an easy read into each other’s soul. And while Lexa will never attribute that to the story that Clarke now swears by, she had always believed that it was one of the strongest arguments on why their relationship was built to last.

Clarke only had to look into Lexa’s eyes and invite _her_ Commander to gaze into the complexities of her mind in return.

Lexa argued back silently.

It was against protocol.

Polis has laws. This called for an execution.

No. They cannot go free.

They have violated rules and if Lexa dared, they have violated the one thing she holds dear.

No.

Clarke pled again, this time, she conveyed very little sentiment in her eyes. Lexa watched as the summer skies in her orbs hinted a storm. A few raging waves that she never liked but she had to adapt to growing up. The argument was no longer about Clarke’s belief that even the most despicable of people have to be heard.

She was telling Lexa that they could use this opportunity for their benefit.

A new way to extract the information that neither of their nations have managed to obtain.

Lexa side-stepped her own burgeoning anger, her sound judgment as the Commander of Blood and every other unknown concern as a girlfriend. She admitted, yet again, that Anya was right about this trait of Clarke.

Clarke Griffin knows what to do with people.

Lexa exhaled sharply, not bothering to hide her incense at the rebels and at Clarke. She nodded at her girlfriend and eyed Lincoln.

Lincoln gave a silent order and every soldier in the courtyard lowered their guns. Lexa eyed the snipers and gave them a secret code which translated to do not shoot but still take aim. She relaxed a little when she realized that while Lincoln’s gun was already pointed to the ground, his finger was still on the trigger.

Pryan’s surprise was a sight in itself to behold. Lexa was sure, when she saw how he reluctantly loosened his hold on Clarke, that he had come here to die. This was a suicide mission and if he could have taken a few soldier, wound or even kill the Chancellor’s daughter, then it would be worth his life. She remembered what Roan had mentioned before that Lexa’s enemies were only waiting for a valid reason to strike.

Perhaps, had Pryan and his men died here, that would have been enough reason for the rest of his band to attack.

“We will send for you, Clarke Griffin” he told Clarke before completely letting her go.

Lexa nodded at the soldiers by the gate to allow them to pass. She kept her eyes away from Clarke who was grabbed by Octavia as soon as the last of the rebels were more than an arm’s length away. Octavia started scolding Clarke as she hugged her tightly. Clarke apologized to her in a way she never had to her own girlfriend.

Clarke locked her gaze at Lexa and when Lexa finally breathed out all that she was holding in, she felt steam rise up along with the cold wind.

Octavia finally released Clarke from the hug ad took a quick glance at Lexa before turning back to her best friend. Lexa could not see what was the look on Octavia’s face but whatever she was conveying in silence, Clarke did not like.

Clarke looked around and realized just how many soldiers were there and just what they had all witnessed. She peeked over Octavia’s shoulder were Lexa stood almost as frozen as she had felt earlier. She was calmer now, and had gotten hold of most of her senses, enough to appear like the Commander again. But not enough to show that she was not a very angry significant other.

Clarke turned to Octavia and gave a subtle nod. Octavia spun around and walked up to Lexa, asking her the exact same thing she asked her best friend, only now, she was asking for an official order.

She wants to tail Pryan and her men.

Lexa would have given the order anyway and she would have sent her best spies and most brutal of squads. The fact that Octavia asked for this, not even a graduated soldier, made a part of her swell in pride.

 “Take a squad of Indra’s men” she gave the order with a glee and satisfaction she did now she was capable of feeling at the very moment. “At the first sign of a trap, kill them all.”

“Yes, Commander” Octavia was as determined to see to this order as she was enthusiastic.

“And Octavia.”

“Yeah?”

“They answer to you.”

Octavia paused on her tracks, stunned. She looked at Lincoln who gave her an encouraging look. Her faced returned to its determined set before nodding at Lexa respectfully. She gave Clarke one last hug before signalling for Indra’s men to follow her out.

Lincoln gazed longingly at her wake before facing the remaining soldiers there. They were not in his unit but he outranked everybody there. He took one look at his sister who looked as regal as ever to the public but to those who knew her, visibly shaken.

“Back to your posts!” he commanded all around before focusing on his own soldiers who are in-charge of Clarke’s security. “You three, with me. You—get your wounds checked out then report to me. You-- Luna’s unit here now”

“Lincoln” Lexa stopped him from leaving.

“Commander”

“Have Octavia’s squad followed.”

Lincoln nodded, gave her shoulder a soft squeeze before excusing himself and his men. As soon as the courtyard cleared, Gus took a few steps back into the shadows of the hallway, leaving Lexa alone with Clarke.

She raised an eyebrow at her before walking to the side, away from any prying eyes. Clarke followed her and as soon as they were in a semi-discreet corner, collapsed her arms. She felt Clarke exhale into her neck as they embraced each other.

Clarke clung to her, exhausted of her little theatrical display of callousness and courage. Lexa embraced her with relief that she was alright and with release of the fear and anger that had built up over what had just happened.

When Clarke slowly pulled away from the hug, Lexa opened her mouth to give the mighty telling off that she has yet to put to words. But as soon as their eyes met, Lexa saw the fear that she could not find earlier. She saw the nerves that Clarke had disguised so well in her pluck. Lexa pulled her in for another hug before kissing the top of her head.

Clarke mumbled a thank you for trusting her but no apologies for how she chose to handle the situation.

Lexa realized that she can adjust to all things new springing from this reawakened relationship.

 She can change her schedule to spend more time with Clarke. She can teach herself patience when Clarke would choose to adjust to her instead. She can learn to read jokes more quickly, comprehend hints and even allow herself to believe that when Clarke does not pull away from her in bed that is reason enough not to stop. And she can learn how to be more comfortable with the simplest shows of affections in public.

But she cannot adjust to Clarke’s behaviour at danger.

And is resolved to never have to figure out how to deal with a situation in which losing Clarke for the greater good or show of moral conduct is the best option for anyone.

Polis, included.

She sighed, swirling in her ire and her reprieve, as she let go of Clarke. She held her tightly by the waist and channelled all the emotions she has yet to understand or acknowledge in one single gaze.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again” she scolded and warned.

Clarke’s eyes widened slightly before she showed her remorse and commiserations to what she put her girlfriend through. Lexa stepped away from the hug and they walked side by side to Roan’s room, not saying a single word.

They found Roan in better conditions than the last time Lexa went to see him. He managed to smile over the shoulders of his doctors. As soon as they were left alone, Clarke gave him a hug and apologized for everything that she had put them through.

Lexa kept a distance from them. She sat on one of the two armchairs in the room, choosing the one farther from the bed. She listened at how Clarke and Roan exchanged their stories of that night. She wondered if she was angry that she was not there for Clarke or she was feeling jealous that there is this part of Clarke that she can never protect her from.

Not that Clarke needed much protection. The girl can clearly talk herself out of most situations.

If Lexa was jealous, it was not over this.

It was how freely Clarke expressed her thoughts to Roan. She saw it with Octavia as well.

Lexa was sure Clarke never lied to her but she can tell that something was stopping her from feeling comfortable enough to share all of her thoughts. She could very well justify that this was the invisible wall in their bed. That while they are together most nights, they can never be truly together. There was a force separating them and it brings about monsters that Lexa had never encountered before.

Monsters she was not sure she could slay.

It was agonizing to go through all possible reasons for Clarke to be afraid of her. She should know by now that she would never actually use her opinions against her. She would never betray Arkadia.

She would never hurt her. Not again.

Lexa diverted her thoughts away from their relationship and back to the bigger problem going on around them. She nodded an encouragement at Roan when he asked if he could proceed with narrating all that he had told her. It was good that Roan can talk better now and took minimal breaks. It made for a less tensed and ominous atmosphere.

It also ensured that Clarke can interrupt him with questions every time he mentioned her father.

By the time he was done, Clarke was either out of questions or simply out of words. She was pale, arguably more distraught and overcome with fear than when she had a knife to her neck minutes ago. The second Lexa saw her lower lip shudder at the revelation about her parents, she stood up and joined them. She stopped just at where Clarke was sitting on Roan’s bed and placed a supportive hand on the small of her back.

Clarke leaned back into her and remembered to breath.

Lexa’s cheeks ached when her lips twitched into a small smile. Clarke may be holding something back from her but there was no question to what her role in her life is.

She is hers. In every sense of the word and with her, Clarke never has to pretend that she can hold herself up, that she was strong enough not to cry or that she has to contain the tremors inside her.

Lexa rubbed her back with her thumb, a silent reminder that she was right there and that they can go if she would prefer not to hear any of what Roan still had to say. Clarke shook her head slightly and instead told Roan to keep talking. She rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder as Roan finished his theories on why he was poisoned and what he thinks Clarke’s role in all this is.

“Your father must…have told you something” he insisted when Clarke repeated that she could not possibly believe all of this.

Lexa squeezed her shoulder. She knew that Clarke already did believe Roan, otherwise, she would have had more questions for him. Clarke may not be the most trusting person she knows but one of her favourite things about her was that Clarke knew the truth when she heard it. And the silent goosebumps running all over her right now was a confirmation that she was already processing what this truth meant.

“We don’t—he didn’t tell me important secrets when he was Chancellor”

“The bomb he designed—you are the key.”

“Roan, I have never even seen the weapon.”

“You are the key, Clarke—“ Roan coughed slightly. Lexa handed him a cup of water as he struggled with what else he had to say. “That’s why they killed him.”

Clarke sat up straight, her eyebrows furrowing at Roan while her hand sought out Lexa’s. Lexa obliged but she too was surveying Roan with suspicious scrutiny.

“What?” Clarke whispered in horror.

“We spoke about…it.”

“Speaking with the Chancellor on matters of the state is a violation of your exile” Lexa reminded him.

“He needed my help and…considering he runs the country I was exiled to, I was not…in a position to…decline”

“What did he need help about?”

“He needed someone to…bounce off ideas with on how to leave genetic…trails on a biochemical and… nuclear weapon. He wanted to leave something…only…only Clarke could use against it. I had…um..read on it. I had an…opinion and I gave it.”

“Roan, did you actually collude with the Chancellor of Arkadia?” Lexa snapped.

Clarke hit her with her elbows.

“Mind I remind you who asked for the weapon in the first place?”

Lexa grimaced at her girlfriend before turning a stern eye at Roan and urging him to continue.

“When I learned of his death…I suspected it was not…an accident” Roan said in a heavier and slower pace, though Lexa suspected it was more for Clarke’s benefit that his. “When I was in prison and…all the events that led up to your…kidnapping, I had…time…to put it together. It was not…an…accident. Have you seen his autopsy reports?”

“No…”

“Well, I…I have—“

“Roan” Lexa snapped again.

“Babe, please” Clarke griped. “Please just let him finish what he has to say.”

Roan snorted at the both of them.

“Good job, Commander” he managed to tease. “A keeper…she is.”

Lexa blinked at him, unamused.

“Apologies” Roan said lightly. “You will find that he was dosed with the same poison I was laced with.”

“My mother had the cure—“ Clarke stammered. “The antidote—she provided the missing component. Why—why would she not use it on my dad?”

“Missing component…to the ones formulated…here. You are unparalleled in…scientific breakthroughs, Clarke but you do…not know warfare like…Polis does. Poisonous substances are not her…expertise.”

“She did use it” Lexa said quietly. “Or, I suspect she did”

“My father died instantly”

“How long until you…claimed his body?” Roan asked.

“Three days. He was--- The accident—Oh my—“

Lexa grabbed her on the shoulders and steadied her, out of fear that her swaying reaction would result to her fainting. She should have known that Clarke was not one to faint against the truth. She simply would fall quiet to it.

“What do you mean Clarke is the key?” Lexa asked Roan. “You must have some clue on the claimed cryptic questions”

“The bomb you ordered, Commander? Is it enough to…annihilate all of Azgeda?”

“Yes.”

“Thereby destroying the Cold Mountains? Probably affecting…Arkadia?”

Lexa remembered the geographical maps being projected on Anya’s wall. She would have to revisit those facts but it was obvious that should she decide to destroy Azgeda, Arkadia would bear most of the aftermath catastrophes. And if history was any indication, the survivors of such collateral damage would be in hell while they still roam the earth.

She nodded when she felt two sets of eyes on her.

“I believe…Clarke holds the key to…detonate it”

“I did not ask for a bomb that could be detonated.”

“But Jake needed…to make sure.”

Lexa accepted that. Raven had noted the alterations she had already made on the bomb and that was only because its original maker had made his own safeguards as well.

“Who killed him, Roan?” Clarke asked in a sort of sombre anger.

“Whoever knew that the bomb could be…detonated. Or whoever knew of the…bomb at all. No side in this would…have been thrilled when they…found out”

“So anyone from either Polis or Arkadia. Or perhaps your mother” Lexa laughed darkly. “We’re gonna need more than that. You said your mother is waiting for a war to start. She needs an excuse to attack. Why would she do that if she knows about the bomb?”

“Perhaps Polis…is not her target”

The Queen of Azgeda wants the bomb.

That makes more sense to Lexa than anything she had to work through that entire week.

“She knows Polis cannot be brought down, just yet”

“Lexa” Clarke tightened her grip on her hand. “Lexa, did you create a weapon that can destroy Polis as well?”

Lexa shook her head.

“Polis is impenetrable. That is why you are here, remember?”

“As long as legend stands” Roan interrupted.

Lexa nodded at him. Of course the legend would play a part in this. She gave Clarke a side glance and could tell that she had already started processing and reviewing all that they know so far. She also saw a familiar nervousness on her. It was the same one she wore when Indra told them of their ancestors.

“I need names, Roan” Lexa said when it had become apparent that her girlfriend was processing this piece of information a little too much.

“I don’t have names, Commander. I just know that if…I have been poisoned, Clarke kidnapped and the late…Chancellor killed, they’re already inside. Your defenses have been…breached.”

“The rebels are being controlled. You implied it might be your mother. I have reason to suspect now it might not be the case.”

Roan exhaled with discomfort. For a moment, Lexa sensed he was going to zone out again or perhaps retire for the night. Instead his eyebrows furrowed in his deep thought.

“You…look into Arkadia’s…Secretary Pike. And…well…and…your General Titus”

“Those two hate each other” Clarke pointed out.

Lexa looked at her like she just discovered the solution for this war. In fact, Clarke just might have pointed her towards the right direction of its source. She realized that this simple and frankly very obvious fact could be enough reason to make them want to turn on each other. Titus came from a time when relations with Arkadia and other countries were as volatile as the chemicals inside Jake’s bomb. Pike has never held back talking to the press about his concerns that Arkadia’s military strength is from a foreign nation.

And they do hate each other on a personal level. The only thing they have ever agreed on is that their nations should be, at least, separate. The prospect of the head of one state being with the daughter of another’s is the perfect catalyst for them to act on their prejudices and archaic values.

“Thank you, Roan” Clarke said when Lexa gestured that it was time to leave.

“I’m sorry about your father”

“I’m sorry your mother tried to kill you”

Roan shrugged and flinched at the sudden movement.

“I’m sorry yours hid…the truth” he said darkly.

Lexa did not ask Clarke what was going through her head when they rode back to the tower. She also kept her distance and felt slightly thankful when Clarke didn’t reach for her hand like she usually does. Gus kept checking on them both, uneasy about their silence. For Lexa, it was a welcome relief. She gave orders for Anya, Indra and Lincoln as soon as they got back. She was surprised to find Clarke waiting for her instead of going up ahead. More surprised when Clarke did not stop by her own floor to spend the night in her own room.

As soon as they were left alone in Lexa’s room, Clarke collapsed on her favourite armchair. Lexa deliberated on whether she needed to be held and while she tried to come up with words that might help the situation, Clarke asked if she could call her mother. Lexa nodded at the satellite phone on her table – a direct line to the Chancellor – before going inside her bathroom to wash up the night’s woes.

She could hear Clarke’s conversation as she settled inside an unfilled bathtub. Clarke came in about ten minutes later, still arguing with her mother. She stopped at the door and dropped her eyes, jaw and Lexa’s phone on the floor at the sight of her very naked girlfriend in a very empty tub.

Lexa could hear Abby talking from the phone and despite the awkwardness and her steady annoyance at Clarke, she could not help but shake her head and chuckle. Clarke picked the phone up, along with her senses, took out her toothbrush from the sink. She gave Lexa a reprimanding glare as she turned the water for the tub on and tossed her body wash before heading out.

Lexa laughed off the situation before concentrating on her bath.

Once in a while she would drift in and out of her own thoughts on whether the Azgedan Queen really was intent on getting her hands on the weapon Jake built and instead, would listen to Clarke’s voice breaking over the phone. She had to give it to her girlfriend – not once did she play the daughter card against Abby. Lexa knew that it was the one point that would end the conversation. Abby could play the mother card and her prerogative of keeping her child safe. It would then turn that whole fight into an emotional debate.

Clarke knew better than to go down that road. Instead, she repeated her usual stand against nuclear warfare and condemning a head of state for causing more deaths in an anticipation to save lives.

By the time Lexa was done getting dressed, Clarke had fallen silent.

Clarke may have been smart enough to stay away from the sentimental points but Abby clearly wasn’t. Lexa heard the phone slam on her desk right after the words “He was my father, mom. Don’t tell me not to be upset!”

“Are you angry at your mother?” she asked when she emerged from the bathroom minutes later to find Clarke getting out of her clothes.

Clarke stopped undressing and turned to her. She nodded slowly. Lexa tossed her one of her own shirts and they stayed quiet until they were both ready for bed. Lexa stayed on her side of the bed as she untucked the covers.

“Are you angry at me?” Clarke asked her, standing still on the other side.

“Clarke”

“Are you?”

“Yes”

Clarke sighed. She shifted her weight uneasily when Lexa shrugged at her with a sting, as though saying “how do you want me to feel?”

“How angry?”

Lexa crawled under the sheets, stayed seated and leaned on her head board, crossing her arms. She had been deliberating just how angry she was at Clarke. She had a perfect gauge at how mad she was at Abby for lying about Jake’s death. She did not have a problem at how her blood still boils at Pryan and his man. She was even sure to what extent she was infuriated at Clarke’s guards to have allowed what happened.

But for the girl who owns her heart, she was hesitant to put a number.

There was no gauge on the fear that flowed all over her when she first heard that Clarke was taken hostage in a standoff at the courtyard. She was frozen all over at the sight of a knife at Clarke’s throat and she was shaking in frustration at how Clarke chose to take control and refused gunfire. She was still infuriated at herself for giving into Clarke’s request to keep a promise she did not even assent to.

Her men saw that yes, Clarke does have a strong influence on her.

And her enemies saw that yes, the Commander of Blood holds the Chancellor’s daughter dear.

But she also saw for herself just what kind of woman she had fallen heads over heels for. Not only that, she had seen what kind of person she had turned into because of her.

She cannot freely be angry at that.

“Not as angry as you seem to be with your mother” Lexa declared. In truth, she knew she was still quite angry but no one in that tower – in any part of the world – was angrier than Clarke was at her mother. “Do you deem what she did to be an unforgivable wrong?”

“Yes…”

“She wanted you to be safe”

“Then she should have kept her mouth shut.”

“What do you mean?”

Clarke finally joined her in bed, also propping back on the head board and crossing her arms on her front. Lexa snorted at the pout her girlfriend wore before bumping her shoulder onto hers to prompt for an answer.

“I suspect…” Clarke hesitated for a second. She looked straight at the fireplace across Lexa’s room. The hearth was dying and something about it caught her attention. Her face turned from incensed to resentful and dejected in a matter of seconds.

Almost as though the heat of her anger died quicker than the flames. And the ashes are now how she viewed her mother.

“She told her scientist friends of a possible nuclear breakthrough…”

Lexa gaped at her as though that would help her comprehension. Raven’s words flooded back into her senses.

“Would those friends be the same as the ones she sent to guard the bomb?”

“Yes.”

Lexa exhaled sharply. She slowly edged down the bed to settle in for a sleep. She promised Clarke they would figure it all out tomorrow. They had enough excitement in one day. She did not attempt to reach for Clarke but did turn to face her direction as she found her niche on her pillow. She tried smiling at her and whispered a quick good night before closing her eyes.

She knew she would not be getting anymore sleep. But she wanted to think of solutions and actions to all they have gathered today, not remember how livid she might still be.

“Roan mentioned Titus and you didn’t look surprise.”

“He is an old man with old views” Lexa replied, feeling Clarke lying down next to her. She kept her eyes closed. “Noble. But unyielding. I am already looking into him.”

“Lexa?”

Lexa opened her eyes when she felt Clarke’s arm snake around her waist and her hand settled uneasily on her back. She raised a tired eyebrow, inquiring at the question she knew Clarke was afraid to ask.

“What’s keeping Polis safe?”

“Don’t you worry about that.”

Lexa closed her eyes again but Clarke inched closer to her. She could feel her breath on her face.

“What’s keeping you safe?” Clarke whispered and when Lexa opened her eyes she could see the tears threatening behind her eyes.

Lexa pulled her closer and kissed her on the forehead. Gently, to let her know that nothing had changed between them. But quickly and only on the forehead, nowhere else, to let her know that a part of her was still mad.

“Tonight?” she whispered back. “You.”

Clarke nuzzled her nose to Lexa’s chest and Lexa felt her shirt grow damp with her tears. She spent the rest of the night consoling her from her nightmares and hugging her closer whenever her own would re-emerge.

Lexa got up way before sunrise and to welcomed the opportunity to get out of bed unnoticed because Clarke finally made it an hour without getting nightmares. She kissed her head and made her way out of the room where soldiers were waiting for her. She gave quick instructions for an impromptu trip and a group of rangers to accompany one her trusted messengers to relay a note to Octavia. Then she found Anya already in her office, staring up at the projected maps again.

Anya checked if she was alright and apologized for not being in the hospital. Lexa told her it was okay, she kept her busy with other things. They never mentioned their argument. Instead, Lexa invited her on the trip. Anya’s too easy acquiescence was something to ponder about but Lexa ignored it as she led two soldiers inside to help her pack for her and Clarke.

When they were all set to go, she woke her girlfriend up with a soft kiss on the forehead.

“I am going to show you something” she told her confused morning look. “Go get dressed.”

Clarke was still pretty much half-asleep as she allowed herself to be dragged down to their waiting cars. With Gus on the wheel, Anya by his side and Clarke sleeping on her shoulder, it was déjà vu for Lexa as they drove out of the tower and through the training grounds of the Academy and into private forestland. She woke Clarke up when they had stopped a few yards away from a concealed trail.

“Are we hiking in freezing temperature? Are you that mad at me?” Clarke tried to sound casual when she saw the trail that awaited them.

Lexa smirked at her and started the hike. Clarke soon caught up to her and half an hour later, finally took her hand. Lexa allowed her but chose to keep quiet. They completed their trek up to a small clearing. She gave orders for the scouts who had climbed up ahead of them to check the woods before they should continue on. Anya and Gus both stayed closer to the two of them and Lexa knew that this was not paranoia. Yesterday was the much-needed wake-up call to the immediate dangers in their midst.

When they had been given the clear, she pulled Clarke to another concealed, smaller trail but this time only Gus, Anya and two of Anya’s men followed them.

She watched the faint glow of the sun, trying to peak through the towering trees, sparkle in Clarke’s eyes at the sight of the twin tree houses she had painted before. She led Clarke up the first one while the rest of their party climbed the second.

Come nightfall, Clarke had exhausted herself from going back and forth and remembering every nook, detail and feel of the place. Lexa had spent her day reading at what was her favourite corner when she was younger. They did not talk much except for the occasional questions Clarke would pose about the history of the treehouse and its security. Lexa would cut the conversation short whenever Clarke would hint at her wonder of painting this place exactly as it was when she had never been there.

At dinner over the second house, Anya cracked a dry joke about how Clarke was so excited over the tree house that it might be the reason she would put in her transfer applications to a school nearer to Polis. Lexa stopped eating and turned to Clarke who laughed nervously. Anya dropped the topic only it proved touchier when the talks among the soldiers delved into the legends of these woods, the treehouse and old commanders.

Clarke jumped onto the conversation right away. Lexa allowed it although when the two soldiers raved about Lexa’s recent show of valor in Trihaven, she watched the color on her girlfriend’s face slowly disperse. She excused herself from dinner then headed straight to their tree house, listening to Clarke’s footsteps rushing through the hanging bridge.

“You know how you’re still angry at me for getting myself almost killed again?” Clarke asked as soon as their little wooden door closed.

“That was different. And I already told you about what happened in Trihaven. And you have seen the cut the bullet grazed.”

“You skipped the part where you rushed to the grounds when you did not need to.”

“Yes, I needed to” Lexa insisted. “This is war, Clarke. You are not going to like every decision I make on how to fight and you would do well to lecture me about how my safety when you so gallantly had a knife to your throat 24 hours ago!”

“I did not skip into that courtyard knowing that they were there” Clarke argued as calmly as she handled the hostage situation. “I did not run to his knife and caused that commotion. I did not offer myself to him, Lexa. Because believe it or not, I actually want to be alive. I want to live my life with you.”

“And you do not think I want the same thing?”

Clarke scoffed and challenged her with a look.

“Because I would rather you stick to an Arkadian university?” Lexa laid out the thoughts Clarke’s face was referring. “You think that is my version of not wanting to spend my life with you?

“Because you ran to the frontlines of an open fire between your soldiers and rebels! You would need an actual life to spend now, wouldn’t you?”

“I am their Commander, Clarke! I will not stay behind closed doors.”

“You did not have to run to your death.”

Lexa raised her arms and let them fall down to her sides forcefully in frustration.

“Clearly I did not if I am still here arguing with you” she countered through gritted teeth.

“You did not have to put yourself in that situation. Your men need you to lead and you were never a disposable soldier. What If you had died?”

“I was doing my job”

“You did not have to do it with bullets firing at you!”

“I have seen my fair share of gun fire, Clarke. I’ve come back from all the wars I have fought.”

“And on the day that you don’t?”

“Tomorrow is not promised, love!” Lexa bellowed.

Clarke marched up to her, straight-faced and full of glorious outrage.

“So you go on about throwing your life today?” she whispered in sharp tones coloured with hints of perceived betrayal.

“So I do the most today” Lexa whispered back, surprised at how shaky her own voice was compared to the calmness in Clarke’s. “So I do all that I can today because today is what matters. You all that is in your power today.”

“Including getting yourself killed?”

Lexa let the words sink it as she lowered herself on the bed. She watched as the window drapes danced in the moonlight glow, as though they knew that the occupants of this space needed company. She felt Clarke slowly relax from where she was standing. When she stared up, she saw her wiping away a stray, bull-headed tear.

“Oh, Clarke” Lexa lamented.

“I am not asking you to be a coward, Lexa. That would be the greatest disgrace for someone so noble as you” Clarke maintained. “I am asking you to be brave enough to accept that your place is no longer in the battlefield.”

“It is not up for you to decide where my place is”

Clarke’s surprised was subtly subdued by her immediate recognition of the underlying rancour in Lexa’s tone. She took a step back and as she has done the past few weeks, swallowed the words into her newly-formed accommodating grasp. She agreed in a small voice and when Lexa sought out her eyes to look for traces of resentment, all she found were the tightly-barriered sadness and overly-cushioned fears.

“I did not mean for that to sound like it did” Lexa apologized, her chest constrictin when her girlfriend argued that she was right. “I should have guarded my words more.”

“I need you to guard your life.”

Lexa sighed, pulling Clarke towards her as gently as she can. She almost felt guilty when she was not met with any resistance. She cupped Clarke’s face with both her hands.

“Clarke, what are you not telling me?”

“What do you mean?”

“You are keeping something from me”

Clarke avoided the intensity of her eyes.

“Don’t you change the subject, Lexa.”

“I asked you before. I asked that you not guard thoughts around me too much. If it were out of fear for my life. It is out of fear for my life that you thought best not to challenge what you cannot stomach, is it not?” Lexa traced the length of Clarke’s arms before she laced their fingers together. “Hence, this outburst.”

“I’m not the one who yelled through this conversation, babe”

“Clarke. What is it? What secrets can you not tell me?”

“Okay, do I need to remind you that you literally have a vault of secrets in your room?”

“Those are not my secrets, they are Polis” Lexa kept her voice as gentle as her innately stern countenance would allow. “And do you not ask about them so I would not ask about your secrets?”

“I don’t have secrets from you” Clarke continued to insist, relieving her hands from Lexa’s hold. She sat on an old lounge on the opposite side of the room, across the bed.

“Yes, you do” Lexa said, mirroring her as she sat on her bed. “And it is as a high as the walls of Polis”

“Well, boundaries are good in a relationship. Keep them healthy.”

“One would argue that ours is not a typical relationship.”

“One would be correct” Clarke said with a slight roll of her eyes and a light scoff.

“I do enjoy your passive-aggressive tone, darling.”

“And I love your patronizing one.”

“What is your problem?” Lexa demanded, throwing clenched fists on the mattress. “I brought you here for a reprieve and I have not gotten so much a thank you!”

“Is that what you’re looking for, babe? A ‘thank you’?”

“I’m looking for the truth!”

“I am not lying to you!” Clarke exclaimed, in ardent ferocity. “How could you even think that I am?!”

“But something changed. Between the first night you spent in my room and the night that I came over to yours, something changed” Lexa brought her voice down in between sharp breaths. “You say you forgive me and I am grateful. You say you want to be with me and I have not stopped thanking my stars since. You say what we have is real and that you respect the burdens of positions and that is more than I could have ever asked for – being that mine include running in front of bullets and beheading traitors. But something changed and whatever it is, it is making you change. I want to know what it is—“

“I am out of my mind in fear that you would die!” Clarke interrupted her tirade.

Lexa panted amidst the gravity of emotions she never had to experience all at once. She steadied her breath watching in silence as Clarke did the same thing. It was almost therapeutic, watching her girlfriend’s chest rise and fall to a rhythm she now memorizes. When their stillness signalled easier waves to traverse, she cleared her throat and Clarke pried her eyes away from the open windows, wiping away a trace of another rebellious tear.

“Are you telling me that you are holding back because you are still afraid that you would kill me?” Lexa asked her when their eyes locked. “Based on a story formulated long before we ever existed?”

Clarke hung her head as though it was her who could not understand the words Lexa spurs out.

“I am telling you that I have seen your deaths and I have always caused them” she replied patiently and with fearful pain.

“You are not making any sense.”

Clarke sniffed and interrupted the path of another tear. She wiped it away with such dignified resistance that only her person was capable of. She buried her face in her hands and upon re-emerging, breathed a nervousness that Lexa doubted to be possible to have come from someone so unbelievably sure of herself. Clarke nodded to herself as though she had agreed to abide by an argument that was won in her head.

“If I tell you, will you promise not to overreact?”

“I submit that we are quite past that”

Clarke chuckled darkly before making up her mind. Lexa could always see it. It was one of her most favourite things in the world – seeing Clarke’s expression change when she made up her mind to do something. Half the time, the decision is something she would not necessarily agree with, but more often than not, it was something she would both encourage and support. Be it, choice of breakfast or choice of a diplomat to invite to Polis.

So, Lexa encouraged this with a strong nod.

Clarke started with how she thought the room was random. Lexa tried to retrace the route Clarke described but she could not remember ever being in that room or knowing of its existence. Then she narrated how she found the first notebook. Then the second until the point she realized they were journals. That was when Clarke told her of everything she read about.

In detail.

It was another favourite thing of her about her girlfriend. She has quite the memory for details. Whether it was school work, conversations, paintings…secrets.

Past lives.

Clarke clarified that she did not remember. These were not borrowed memories or flashes in dreams and art. But she read them. Actual accounts and with each turning page, she saw through her own eyes the lives of their ancestors. Not even just see the lives. She claimed she felt them. So much so that she was sure she lived them.

Every kiss, touch, promise, argument, fight…death.

Every poison, stab wound, bullet…betrayal.

That was when Clarke fully believed in the tale that seemed to guard their paths as well as curse them.

Clarke said that it was then when she decided that she no longer had the capacity to fight generations of fate. That even if there was still a part of her that had a hard time accepting what had happened in Arkadia, or living with what Lexa’s job entailed or loving someone as complex Lexa, she would do all of that. She would gladly take that all on because they were on borrowed time.

“Did you forgive me for hurting you because you felt guilty that your ancestors led to my ancestors’ death?” Lexa’s voice shook in her own fear of what the answer might be.

Clarke had stopped crying and it was a rather majestic sight to see her rise above the misty gloom of her confession. Lexa could see her tearing through her fears when she told her how she had arrived to where they are. She saw her triumph over her own doubts only to assure her that no, she was not lying. She was merely trying to undo centuries of mistakes by succumbing to the one thing that started it all.

Loving a Commander.

And it was a fearsome thought for Lexa.

Clarke had chosen to feel for her and be with her because of their pasts and not because she believed they have a shot at having a future together.

“I forgave you because I could no longer stay mad at you for reasons that are as ridiculous as this argument” Clarke stated with a show that she really did think the question and the fact that they fought about this was leaning towards pathetic. But Lexa also saw something that made her realize just what frustrated her girlfriend to no ends.

Clarke did think fighting about something as plain as her own feelings was petty but she also knew that it was a big deal for Lexa. So she willingly engaged. Something which Lexa has been refusing to do whenever Clarke would say something that was “out of character.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Lexa” Clarke said. “If that means that I will make the adjustments so that your people will not see me as a threat, then I will make those adjustments.”

“You do not have to. I am not asking you to” Lexa insisted, knowing that she just went against the very realization she had just made.

But it was true. She was not asking and she would never want Clarke to put herself in a comprising position as well. Not for her benefit.

“The same way you’re not asking me to choose between you and Arkadia.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you get it?” Clarke sighed. “I would choose and the fact that I might have to is the very reason why I am paralyzed with fear that every move I make – whether it’s right for you or for me or for my country – would lead to your death.”

Lexa blinked at her. For a moment, her own surge of unprecented emotional revelations halted for what seemed to be a constant state of mild confusion at the turn of their relationship.

“How could your choice of medical school cause my death?”

“I don’t know, babe!” Clarke half-sobbed and half-laughed. “Do I look like I have answers? We are going in circles and I don’t know how to stop. You want the truth, this is it.”

“What, Clarke?” Lexa demanded, knowing fully well she was about to let herself be exposed again.  “That we basically started this relationship on your assumption that I would die? Very soon, I might add. Would your feelings have been any different if you had not come across those journals? Would we not be here right now?”

Lexa heard her fears play out and she waited for Clarke to just admit it. Then perhaps, they could fix this because she had no intentions to leave that room without fixing this.

 “Do you know just how angry you make me feel sometimes?” Clarke asked, tears silently falling down her face.

“Likewise.”

“How do you still not get it?”

“Make me understand why we are here now because this is not where we were yesterday when I had asked you if this system we have is working or not.”

“That your concern?”

“Should it not be yours?” Lexa posed, desperately. “I do not understand a lot of things in this, Clarke. I ask only that you be upfront with me so I may know how to promptly proceed.”

“’Promptly proceed’?” Clarke echoed her incredulously. “Really, Lexa?”

“I do not know if you want me because of me or because you were told that there is a soul in you that must have wanted me once! I do not know if you want to stay in Polis for me or just because you feel it is your duty to save me. I do not know which of those to act on”

Clarke got up so fast from her seat and then sat back down as quickly, the whole room shook. She growled to herself as she tried not to cross the room and smack her girlfriend across the face.

At least that was how it looked to Lexa.

Clarke exhaled and a calmness about her travelled to Lexa’s side of the room.

Lexa knew then, though she was not going to admit it just yet, that Clarke was already all in in this. And it had nothing to do with their past. If she was brave enough to look at the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen, she would finally admit that Clarke was always all in.

On her.

And…on whatever future they might have.

Lexa might have gone to Clarke’s room that night and restarted their relationship. But Clarke had long decided before that.

This relationship had never ended.

“Lexa” she said softly but with devoted firmness so intensely articulated, Lexa’s breath hitched. “I have fought off falling for you from the second I saw you only to be told that never have our souls crossed in any lifetime and in any universe that I have successfully not fallen in love with you.”

“Clarke—“

“You already are the hardest person not to fall in love with. You want me to be upfront?” Clarke radiated with fervid candor. “Loving you is the most glorious experience I have had in this life and I do not ever want to stop even if when it comes to declarations of love, you are quite possibly the densest human being on this planet”

“I— “ Lexa stopped herself when she realized what Clarke had just told her. “You---Clarke—“

“I have not told you what scares me because you don’t think they are valid fears” Clarke cried. “I could not tell you what I want because you always think that they’re temporary whims! As if I would wake up wanting to not be here. Trust me, baby, I tried not wanting to be where you are. Didn’t take now, did it”

“Clarke—“

“I am trying to remain sane at your every touch and kiss. The sound of your voice alone transports me out of my senses every single time I hear it” Clarke continued, without seeming to hear the interruptions that Lexa was trying to make. “And while you are away, I drown myself in books just so I do not suffocate with the horrors of what your job entails. I do not resent you for it even when you think I should. And you tell me you do not know how to promptly proceed?”

“You misunder—“

“I am stuck in the middle of this freezing forest trying to tell my girlfriend that I love her all while she questions me why! What do you want me to do, Lexa? Tell me what it is that you want!”

Lexa’s head rang with a previous argument the have had. She so cheekily let Clarke know exactly what she wanted upon inquiry. She had only ever coveted one thing in her life and she had watched Clarke fight off a blush when she suggested as much.

Somehow, between the snuggling on couches and beds and late night conversations, she had failed to prove that as much as she does question how relationships work or if theirs was working, she could not ever want anything else.

Not tonight or tomorrow morning.

And Clarke, for all her misjudgements and inability to stay out of harm’s way have long proven that her devotion to Lexa is the only thing more unbreakable than the spirit of warrior goddess residing in her.

Clarke breathed evenly. Like she was done. Like she had no more words in her.

Like, finally, the words have ran out and if she could not have made it clearer then all that is left to say is the most obvious thing in the world.

The most elusive words that Lexa trembles at the mere suggestion of.

And yet, Clarke’s eyes, the subtle bite of her lip, the determined breathing and all about her entire being, was already declaring it.

Lexa never witnessed anything like it.

But just like the first time she ever laid her eyes on Clarke, she recognized it for what it was.

It took Lexa's breath away. Harder than any kick in the gut or punch straight on the face. It stung in more acid than any bullet graze, fire burn or stab wound. It rendered her more frozen, stunned and utterly helpless than the sight of Clarke being held hostage.

It was like looking straight in the sun and somehow not going blind. Only...entranced. Or plunging straight into cold waters but somehow not drowning. Not even if you don't know how to swim.

Looking straight at someone's eyes and knowing without a doubt that you are loved is finding a home among the stars. It is the sun bursting and rising and glowing at the same time. It is the scariest, surest and safest place Lexa has ever found herself in.

Clarke loves her.

Tomorrow, tonight...there was no deadline, no timetable...no conditions.

Clarke loves her when there is a part of her that might never completely understand what that meant.

“Come here” Lexa commanded in gentle waves of longing and apologies.

She smiled nervously when Clarke shook her head in surprise of the reply to her outburst.

“What?”

Lexa tilted her head invitingly. Clarke rose from her seat and very hesitantly crossed the room, her frown still riddled with frustration and perplexity. She stopped right in front of Lexa and when Lexa took her hands, the stiffness that accompanied her went away.

“Maybe we are doomed. Maybe I am going to die soon.”

“Comforting.”

“But if I could have anything that I want - anything at all - I want tonight” Lexa declared as she stood up and kissed both of Clarke’s hand before pulling her closer by the hips. “I don't have those memories, Clarke. If I can never have all those lifetimes stored in your head -- I would want this to make up for every life the world has stolen from me.”

Clarke stared at her, for the first time that night, blankly. Like the words would not register to her. Lexa smiled and kissed her on the side of lips, just like the first time she had tried to kiss her at all. When Clarke responded by furrowing her eyebrows at her, she kissed her again, on the nose this time.

“I want you” Lexa stated clearly.

Lexa shuddered when Clarke nodded slowly, her eyes turning as dark as that time they had kissed right after she asked her to be her girlfriend.

How could she have all of this? All of Clarke? How can she ever live her life knowing that there will come a time when they might have to live without each other?

But that was the point, she realized when Clarke stopped crying and shaking. When her arms, strong and delicate at the same time, embraced her.

That was the point, Lexa accepted when Clarke allowed herself to be pulled onto the bed.

That was the point, Lexa vowed as she hovered over Clarke's body, asking for permission to take her clothes of.

They can always live this life. They have this life and tonight - for all nights she have left in her - they have each other.

Clarke stopped squirming under her when she started unbuttoning her Oxfords. She kissed down on her bare stomach, gently sucking her way to her neck, with no protests from her girlfriend. She nervously played with the straps of Clarke’s bra all while Clarke slowly unbuckled her belt with the Commander’s seal on it.

Lexa knew they had gone farther than they ever had before and with every kiss, whether it was a chaste peck on her girl’s cheek or a lustful nib on the side of her breasts, it was asking permission. And every time Clarke would successfully remove part of Lexa’s uniform, it was permission being granted.

Clarke moaned too discreetly when Lexa teased her by caressing her thighs but never went as far as removing her pants. Lexa smiled crawled back up Clarke’s body, giving her a reassuring kiss.

“Babe” Clarke’s breath was hoarse and rough with desire.

“Yes?”

“I don’t want you to die” she confessed, her voice shaking as she dug her fingers on Lexa’s behind.

“I am not going to die, Clarke” Lexa promised.

Tonight. Tomorrow. Lexa would never willingly leave Clarke’s side ever again.

“I’m not kidding.”

“I know.”

Clarke stopped panting, her legs twitching as Lexa rested a knee between them.

Lexa pulled back slightly, eyes full of concern at how the sight of Clarke gloriously summoning up courage. She already knew what was going to be said and what was going to happen. Clarke knew it too but tonight, between the two of them, it was her headstrong girlfriend who had more self-control to seek out the words that would only paint this moment into eternity.

“I—“ Clarke stumbled, her eyes rich with fidelity and adoration, her breath colored with desire.

“Ssshh” Lexa kissed her on the shoulder, lips shaking in both hunger for her and fear to hear the words that she had long ago cowered to speak for her. “You don’t have to say it.”

Clarke pried her hands away from Lexa’s body and settled them around the back of her neck. She smiled at her, with the exact same smile when they first met.

Like she had always known they would end up here.

Like she had felt this then…and always.

“I love you” Clarke whispered in more clarity than all of the volume her lungs and voice could ever allow.

Lexa felt a tear trickle down the side of her cheek. Clarke traced it with her thumb, wiping it away, as delicately as Lexa had come undone.

“You have me, okay?” Lexa finally whispered back, if possible, with more adoration than what was already being bestowed upon her. “All of me. Or at least, all of the parts you want of me.”

“I love you, Lexa. All of you.”

Lexa paused midway to kissing Clarke again. She smiled at her, another tear falling.

“Clarke, I—“ she fought back her tears, not knowing why this part of her existence decided to show up in this particular moment. “I—I--- I am yours. And no one else’s.”

Clarke nodded at her with complete faith and unbridled loyalty. She pulled up her head and met Lexa’s stunned lips, assuring her with every graze that she understood exactly what Lexa was trying to say. She understood exactly what Lexa meant to say but could not, for some reason, say just yet. She dropped her head on the pillow and smirked Lexa’s favourite challenging gaze in the world. That alone could have sent Lexa over the edge, knowing fully well that no fabric would separate them tonight.

“Then…have me, babe” she whispered.

Lexa kissed her as tenderly and as slowly as her heart rate would allow. She sat up slowly and took her shirt off as Clarke slinked away her pants and shirt. Lexa pressed a knee between Clarke’s legs and as she kissed her way slowly down her girlfriend’s body, she felt her grind against the rhythmic pressure. She edged downward, pulling her knee away so as to position herself better. She heard Clarke’s soft groan of protest at the loss of contact.

She kissed her on the thighs with Clarke’s fingers running through her hair. Lexa traced her lips methodically on her girlfriend’s skin, as careful as she is with the very, very few things she holds dear. Clarke slowly pants to the contact, her breath a tinge disappointed everytime Lexa might pull away slightly.

Lexa tugged on Clarke’s panties, asking for permission again. She looked up from between Clarke’s legs and almost lost her own control over her body when she saw Clarke’s slow sweat running down from her face to her neck.

“Please” her girlfriend whispered and Lexa knew she always had the hard time not giving into her anyway.

She pulled off the underwear and Clarke kicked them off when they reached her ankles. Lexa kissed her again, this time closer to her mound, only to be interrupted with a soft tugging on her hair. She looked and Clarke reached for her, pulling her across her body.

“I want…” Clarke hesitated, her breath hitching when Lexa bent her knee into her again. “I-whoa..”

“Anything, Clarke” Lexa replied nervously, knowing that she would comply with the only worry of hers is that she would come undone before her for the mere contact of their breasts was enough to send her to a frenzy.

“I want to look at you…when…I…when we—“

Lexa did not need to hear the rest of the words. She kissed Clarke in steady and ravishing pace, pinning her hands over her head with one hand and the other travelling down the only body she would ever want to touch. Her fingers, shaky and nervous as they were, found solace in the willingness of Clarke’s already slightly moist opening.

Clarke must have felt the nerves for in between the grinding, panting and non-stop kissing, she managed to catch her breath and tell Lexa that it was okay. Lexa sucked at her pulse point before easing a massage at her clit.

Clarke bucked her hips against Lexa’s hand and Lexa had to return her kisses with a soft reprimand lick, telling her to be patient.

Lexa gulped when Clarke raised an eyebrow and pried her hands away from being pinned down. She arched her back as she pulled Lexa’s body against her, grinding with a hurried rhythm. Lexa allowed it, feeling a current of warmth surround her finger as she inserted it inside Clarke, never breaking their cadence.

“Close… I’m…close” Clarke moaned against the top do Lexa’s head.

Lexa increased speed and pressure and as she was sure she too was close to coming at Clarke’s sounds of pleasure alone, almost stopped and lost her own breath when she felt Clarke’s hand cup her.

“Ah—Wha—“ she blundered as Clarke found her own ready…on her.

Clarke shushed her gently, as she matched her thrusts with soft teases on her clit.

Lexa’s breath stopped just at her throat, momentarily forgetting where they were as nothing except that sensation on her clit sent electric waves over parts of her she did not even knew existed. Clarke rocked her hips up against Lexa’s fingers again, asking—begging – for her not to slow down. Lexa with ragged breaths and slightly blurred vision from the stupor kissed her on the neck, not stopping until she felt Clarke tightened around her finger, wet, desperate…and wild…and beautiful.

“I’m—I’m—“ Clarke panted before completely surrendering to a fit of ecstatic moans as she closed her climax. “Babe--!”

“I’m here, love” Lexa promised as she made a few more gentle but rapid thrusts in her before curling her fingers, kissing Clarke’s breast as her girlfriend froze in a soft whimper.

Clarke’s eyes rolled back, a smile breaking in between calling out Lexa’s name and her widespread legs freezing before completely going limp. She dragged Lexa’s head towards with her free hand and kissed her girlfriend in breathless gratitude.

“I love you” Clarke moaned into the kiss, still running circles around Lexa’s clit.

Lexa shuddered, still not finding the words nor the capacity to say them back. She explored Clarke’s mouth with her tongue before easing her fingers out as Clarke relished her orgasm.

“Leave it” Clarke begged.

Lexa blinked at her but didn’t ask any questions.

She didn’t have time as Clarke flipped them over so skilfully that their hands stayed where they were, but a little too recklessly as they struggled at the edge of the bed.

Lexa gasped when Clarke slipped a finger inside her opening, returning the favour, thrusting both their hands in perfectly in-synced, almost choreographed pace. She felt Clarke’s other hand tap on her lips when she realized that she was getting loud, panting out Clarke’s name as she can feel her body in total surrender.

As most things in her life, Clarke doesn’t seem to slow down. She let her fingers work fast inside of Lexa, eyes in a daze of utmost elation as Lexa’s core turned into a hot and wet mess. She closed her eyes as Clarke only grew more intense in unrivalled heat and passion with every heightened momentum.

“Clarke—“ Lexa bit into the finger that was topping on her lips as she felt the fingers still inside Clarke start to get wet again, with the walls around it tightening in delight.

One thrust. One heartbeat.

Like a dance.

Like a familiar dance only the two of them know.

Like a familiar dance that they have danced countless of times before but they can never actually repeat because nothing ever really could compete to the first time you danced with someone.

The music will never be the same, the steps can never be replicated and the breathing…the flowing…they are etched in memory for all of eternity.

Thrust. Heartbeat. Pace.

One. Two. Three.

Faster.

In rise and falls and slowing down and steadying spend.

One. Two. Three.

Faster.

Harder.

Steady pressure, unbearable pleasure…hungry tastes of what once was forbidden.

Thrust. Heartbeat. Pace. Rapture.

Clarke rocked and rode both their hands in one fluid motion as Lexa announced in a harrowing gleeful voice that was not quite her own that she was so close. She concentrated on keeping up with the pace Clarke had put them on, doing her best not to slip out of Clarke’s entrance as Clarke, perfect timing as ever, with one charged thrust and arch of her back, revealing her breasts to her girlfriend in full glory, curled her fingers inside Lexa.

Lexa forgot words.

Forgot time, space, breathing, her own name.

She felt Clarke kiss her way up her body as they both rode out their orgasms. She wanted to tease her that she should keep score but she forgot how to speak to. She was not even sure she could count.

Except for the heartbeats.

Those were a constant. And she could recognize, count and sing to Clarke’s heartbeats in the dark, in the most frenzied of her state and even on her last dying breath.

It was, after all, her favourite song. And their tangled bodies, messy, torn and blissful, her favourite dance.

Lexa sighed, her breath bristled with contentment and burning desire when Clarke kissed her on the jaw before resting on the nook of her neck, humming her own pleasures.

They stayed quiet, holding each other tight, cuddling under the covers and exchanging lazy kisses as the faint moonlight in the window turned completely dark. Clarke finally broke their little bubble and giggle into neck, her finger tracing her girlfriend’s collarbone. When Lexa asked what was so funny, Clarkly playfully responded that had she known what they were missing out on, she would have never allowed Lexa to stop their tracks for all the nights that they have spent together.

Lexa laughed with her, her body shaking in the most joy she has ever felt in her life. She kissed the top of Clarke’s head before studying her face. She has spent nights studying Clarke in her sleep and she has yet to find a flaw in the way this woman carried her sleep in her waking hours or in her slumbering moments. She leaned in and kissed her slowly at first, before her always thundering heart caught up to their lips.

There was something in the way that her ribcage always threatens to break when she kisses Clarke but the sounds are always soft patters of the rain and never really thunderstorms. She is always raging as well as calmly still whenever Clarke holds her.

It was always heated…like the sun’s first touch on a winter morning, but also a welcome breeze on a spring day you thought would never calm.

Lexa deepened her kiss and they danced again.

Morning greeted Lexa in her sleep. She woke with a start, feeling her body sore but somehow re-energized in ways that she was not sure she ever experienced before. She checked her watch on the table carefully, as Clarke’s naked body was still very much entangled with hers. She only had a few minutes left and if the guards are asleep – though after last night, she doubt any of their small delegation would have had a sound sleep – they might miss their chance.

“Clarke” she nudged her girlfriend with kissed on her nose and forehead. “Baby, wake up”

Clarke hummed at the kiss and smirked at the pet name that Lexa hardly ever uses on her. She grumbled that she wanted to stay in bed but Lexa was already gently pulling herself away, scouting for whatever clothes she could find on the floor.

“We have to hurry, love” she urged as she put on her underwear, stealing a quick glance at the crispy dawn. “Hurry or we will miss it. Clarke!”

Clarke sat up in bed and frowned. Lexa stopped putting on pants, blushing at the sight of Clarke’s bare body reflecting in the earliest traces of dawn. Her mouth opened as she recalled their night, her breath barely finding their way out of her. Clarke smiled as she tossed her bra at her, then asked where they were going.

Lexa forgot for a second. She looked away, putting on her bra and mumbling that there was something she wanted to show Clarke. As soon as they managed to most of their clothes, she led her out the door and to a huge branch that served as a bridge to another tree. They were halfway across, Lexa keeping her balance perfectly, while having a hand behind her to hold Clarke, when she heard footsteps behind them. Three guards were watching them from the other side while two more looked up at them from below.

“We will need to be pulled up” she called to her soldiers who immediately made their way across the branch as well.

“Pulled up where?” Clarke asked, hugging herself in the cold and damp morning. She pulled Lexa’s jacket tighter around her and Lexa blushed at the memory of how Clarke, in the middle of the night, got out of bed, put on the same jacket over her naked body and decided to stargaze out the window before joining her in bed again. “Your blush betrays you, baby.”

Lexa kissed her on the cheek and showed her a small cart, hanging by the tree. She followed Clarke’s gaze up as her girlfriend realized that their treehouse was actually right next to possibly one of the tallest tree in the forest. They secured themselves inside the cart as the soldiers pulled on the ropes that propelled them upward as an improvised elevator.

Clarke was livid in excitement the entire way up and Lexa would only ever interrupt her with kisses until they reached the topmost branch that was still big and stable enough to be used as a platform. Lexa helped her out of the cart and walked with her towards the edge, where they had a clear view of the forest on one side, and a distant, faint and almost dreamlike sight of a miniscule Trikru Tower from afar.

Lexa positioned them securely, putting Clarke safely between her legs and embracing her from behind.

 “You showed me the sunset once and told me about hope” Lexa whispered, kissing Clarke on the shoulder. “Do you remember?”

Clarke nodded silently, resting her back and head on Lexa, hugging the arms which enveloped her.

Lexa kissed her shoulder again before resting her chin on the same spot. She pointed on the horizon. The light was already making its way into morning. It was oddly brighter than any morning Lexa could remember and when the sun’s first ray flashed from the horizon, she felt Clarke breathed in  soothing satisfaction in her arms.

“That is beautiful, Lexa” Clarke said in quiet awe as they watched the sun slowly rise to start a new day. “Breathtakingly magnificent.”

New.

Bright.

Uncertain but with a promising glow.

The soft glimmered among the top of the shorter trees and illuminated the shadows of the forest under them. It reflected on Clarke’s face with equal, if not rivalling the radiance that Lexa had always been crazy about.

It was warm, bright and if she dare say it, hopeful.

“I am unsure about hope, Clarke” Lexa confessed in placid whispers of unmatched conviction. “I do not know where tomorrow will bring us. I do not know how many tomorrows we will have. But I would love nothing more than to start every single one I have with you.

Clarke turned her head slowly away from the sun and into the misty eyes of her girlfriend.

“Every single tomorrow” she promised back to Lexa, kissing her lips with devotion that Lexa can drown in.

Their lips parted and Lexa rubbed their noses together before nodding towards the still ascending sun.

“Remember when you attempted to kiss me then and missed?” Clarke teased as they heard sounds of forest life stir under them.

Lexa laughed heartily and fully, giving the branch cradling them a soft shake as her body celebrated the memory in amusement. Clarke said maybe that was because it was getting dark then and she should have thought of this sunrise date instead. Lexa scolded her, teasing that date ideas are intellectual property.

Clarke laughed harder before tilting her head to kiss Lexa again.

“That’s how you don’t miss a kiss, babe” she teased, biting Lexa’s lips before pulling away. “Don’t worry, I’ll tutor you”

Lexa rolled her eyes before muttering that she regretted waking her up at all. She was far more likeable while she was asleep.

“Have I told you I am not a morning person at all?” Clarke teased back, allowing herself to be kissed on the neck by her girlfriend who was terrible at pretending to be mad at her. “Really, I hate mornings.”

Lexa pouted at her.

“I'm sorry for waking you this early.”

Clarke shrugged but Lexa started to worry for a split-second that Clarke was actually serious. A few minutes later, she saw her fought back a yawn.

“Should I have let you sleep in?”

“What? No, babe. This is perfect” Clarke insisted, still fighting back another yawn.

“I’m sorry. I thought you would enjoy it.”

Clarke playfully slapped her arm before studying her face.

“Did you enjoy it?”

Lexa blinked at her like it was the most absurd question.

Clarke was here, in her arms, as they watched the sun rise together on the morning after they had spent the night having sex. Why there was a question at all, Lexa completely could not fathom.

“Of course, love” she said simply.

Clarke smiled at her and Lexa swore the sun went back down, unable to compete with her girlfriend’s light.

“Then I enjoyed it”

Lexa accepted the response with a smile all on her own.

Tomorrow is never promised. But when it does come, it is of glorious brilliance.

_Tomorrow may someday not come, but today…today was a promise she intended to keep for as long as the sun cowers in her love’s sight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I was kept busy and I honestly thought that I had posted my update. Also, if I have made anyone uncomfortable for the lack of warning and the poor writing of intimate scenes, I apologize. Intimacy on paper/screen is apparently not my strongest suit. Also, my head was all over the place when this was written while I was on vacation. I really am sorry if the writing has been affected gravely. I am doing my best to rectify the mess that is my head.
> 
> I don't know when the next update will be because I have a busy two weeks ahead of me but as always, I will endeavor to write should work permit. Please share with me your honest thoughts. I do enjoy reading theories and comments about characters. Let me know please what you do not like as these two characters settle into their new-ish relationship. Thank you very much and I can't wait to hear what you all think of this. Many many thanks.


	15. Commitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "At times when the world is spiralling into chaos spawned by deception, our word counts a lot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for you.

(Clarke's POV)

 

This quiet chaos.

That was how Clarke described time together with Lexa. That was how she saw life at Polis now. And on the days her girlfriend's stress level reached the maximum peak that was what their rooms ran on.

Clarke would be trying to study in hers and Lexa would come in and start pacing until being prompted on what was wrong. Or Clarke would come up to Lexa’s room and find her playing chess with herself. Apparently, it was a way to calm herself down and Clarke has learned not to joke about it too much. Lexa never gets mad with the jokes. Lately, the chess games just hit closer to home.

Two nights ago, there was a slight panic over security in the tower. They were in bed, writhing and reeling in from enjoying each other's bodies when the alarms went out. Lexa sat up in bed and reached for the gun she hides on her bedside drawer. Clarke managed to joke that it would really be quite the scandal if the Commander of Blood ran out of the room naked. It never came to that of course and whoever missed the now unmentionable and thankfully unsuccessful cyber-attack to their security system had been shipped off to one of country’s more notorious prisons.

The effect of the breach had its toll on Lexa. At tonight's private dinner with her high-ranking security officials, Clarke literally had to kick her in the shins to stop her from firing all of them at once. She wouldn't, as it would be impractical and Lexa was nothing if not practical. But considering she was unsatisfied with how much control she had regarding the fighting outside the walls of Polis, Clarke could understand the frustration that came with lapses in internal security.

Lexa had another meeting after dinner but Clarke begged her to cancel it.

"Your grumpy meter is exploding" she reasoned as she pulled Lexa away from the office. "I've talked to Anya. She has it covered."

Lexa grumbled all the way to where Clarke was leading her. She finally relented when she found that a bath had been prepared for her in her bathroom. She had no complaints the minute Clarke shed off her clothes and sank down the bath tub. She followed her in and started kissing her.

Clarke knew that they both have developed the inability to tone down the heat radiating from their bodies once they've started caressing each other. She allowed Lexa to suck on her neck but when her girlfriend pushed her gently down so she could straddle her, Clarke raised a finger.

Not tonight.

Not yet.

Lexa's shoulder slumped and with a heavy sigh she pulled back. She sat on her side of the tub and played with the bubbles until Clarke nudged her foot against her and told her to relax.

That was the point of this. Nobody else in the world needed to relax more than Lexa. Clarke reached for the bottle of wine she had sent up and poured two glasses for them. Then she laid her head back and tried to enjoy the music she had left playing outside. She should have turned the volume up. She could tell Lexa's mind was still in the office, at the war and everywhere else outside the bathroom. At this rate, she would probably be more at peace than the girlfriend she prepared this bath for.

At some point, Lexa finally gave up debating in her head and Clarke could feel the ripples of her quiet chaos.

It was still that.

Chaotic but at least there was silence.

A charade of peace.

She will take it. They have to settle for something. And as Lexa started playing with her foot under the water, Clarke had to settle for how ever long this reprieve from duty was. She was starting to feel slightly sleepy, the fatigue of the day catching up to her, when she caught Lexa staring at her. She raised her eyebrow and was met with a shrug.

Clarke closed her eyes and still felt the perma-stare on her. She pulled her foot away and Lexa chided her with a wildly abandoned luminous smile. Clarke didn't question it and allowed her legs to relax by her girlfriend's side again until a few minutes later when she caught her with a deep frown, graciously hidden by the shadow of her previous smile.

“What?” Clarke asked with a slight frown. She nudged her foot against Lexa’s side. “You have a look on your face.”

“Hmm”

“The point of this is for you to relax”

“Hmm”

“Lexa” Clarke tapped at the water between them, splashing at Lexa’s face playfully. “What are you thinking?”

Lexa sighed and smiled at her. She ran her fingers gently across her face, wiping away the drops from Clarke’s movement in the tub. When her girlfriend prodded her some more, her smile widened in a vibrant melancholy.

“I look at you and I fear I might explode from unrivalled happiness” she whispered.

Clarke set her jaw to stop it from dropping into the tub. She heard Lexa chuckle almost as soon as she felt herself blush. It has been like that in the last week. Even when they barely get any time together now that the fighting has picked up. One way or another, Lexa has not fallen short on expressing just how happy Clarke has made her.

“You just want to get laid” Clarke teased.

“Yes” Lexa admitted with another chuckle.

Clarke stuck her tongue out at her girlfriend, as though saying that was not going to happen. They both know this was a joke.

It will happen. Just…not yet.

Ever since they returned from the tree house, what little time they have in private, they always end up spending exploring and enjoying each other. Clarke joked just that morning as they were getting dressed that this is the most workout she has had her entire life. Of course, Lexa had scolded her. As much as all the lines have been crossed, there was still the small detail of Lexa’s inability to relax and be casual about their new reality.

Clarke’s smile turned embarrassed when Lexa caught the nostalgia in her eyes. It seemed like they were both remembering the same conversation which led to Lexa to push back her early meeting as she decided to join Clarke in the shower.

It might have been the longest shower Clarke has ever taken.

“Thank you” Lexa whispered, bringing her back to their current situation.

Clarke raised an eyebrow in question

“For the happiness I did not know I was capable of embodying” Lexa elaborated, uttering the words as carefully and gently as she could.

“It looks good on you”

“You look good on me”

Clarke groaned at the cheesiness of the sentiment. That was a constant now too. And while she used to laugh at her friends who are incurably cliché, she could no longer fault them. For the first time in her life, she finally understood how couples could be like that. It was not just playful banter or flirting. Everytime Lexa manages to time her quips and subtle declarations, Clarke’s ears always ring with harmonious sincerity and utmost devotion.

She hardly ever has a response. Sometimes, she feels like it would be easier if Lexa just flat out said the three words she has yet to say. Clarke knows the response to it and would gladly say it again.

Except Lexa has not said it. Instead, Clarke found herself constantly being swept off her feet by the smallest hints of intimacy and adoration from the woman who was leading a charge against domestic and global terrorists.

It was enough to make any girl’s head’s spin.

“You make me happy, Clarke” Lexa affirmed. “And strong. Do you know how strong you have made me?”

Clarke took her time basking in the colors dancing in Lexa’s eyes as the dim lights of the bathroom somehow find their way into them. There were a lot of uncertainties surrounding the two of them and they have both grown tired of trying to work beyond it or trying to ignore it. Even in their most private moments, they were both still keenly aware of what was going on in the reality outside.

But Lexa’s eyes are always so sure. Surer than the words she speaks and more so than the words she cannot bring herself to say.

Clarke had to catch her breath just to keep up with the much adoration. She sighed when Lexa smirked at how she was speechless. She reached over, creating small ripples of water between them and kissed the lips of her already waiting girlfriend. In truth, it annoyed Clarke because it meant that Lexa had caught on to her. She was beginning to be a fairly easy read in this relationship and Lexa had proven to be the most steadfast of students when it comes to learning Clarke’s go-to moves.

Clarke was not used to being this speechless this often. And whenever she cannot find the words to respond to Lexa, she would just kiss her. She knew she could always repeat herself and declare her love again but lately, three words seem to be inadequate when placed beside the purest of affections from Lexa.

Lexa smiled into the kiss and reached up to Clarke’s neck, pulling her deeper. Clarke chuckled and quickly pulled away from her, holding out a finger in soft reprimand.

The point of this shared bath was to have a relaxing, quiet moment. And she will be damned if Clarke allowed Lexa to avoid moments of unguardedness by offering her prospects of sex. No matter how tempting it was.

“How long do you think until we get interrupted?” Clarke asked, settling back on her end of the tub, hanging her head slightly as she closed her eyes.

“Why? What did you have in mind?”

Clarke bit her lip at the suggestive rasp in Lexa’s tone.

“A lot but also I saw your face at dinner when the security team tried to explain what happened.”

“What happened to relaxing?” Lexa evaded.

“We have been in here for half an hour and your eyes would wander on your phone every five minutes. And again in the office when the report from Trihaven came” Clarke pointed out.

Lexa smiled apologetically. She reached for the bottle of wine and poured their glasses refills.

“Don't worry about Trihaven.”

“I'm not. I just saw your face. Are you sending Indra back? ”

“Hmm.”

“And Octavia?” Clarke asked, nervously taking a sip from her glass.

“We have not decided yet.”

“Right.”

Clarke and Octavia had a talk earlier that morning about the state of Trihaven. As much as it is still being protected by the reinforced numbers Lexa sent, it has become clearer by the passing day that the infiltration by rebels had grown to be deeply rooted. Octavia wants to fight but no one would let her. Clarke told her that she would support that decision even if she could no longer find it in her to doubt Octavia’s growth as a soldier.

Before leaving to train with Indra, Octavia made her promise not to bring her a possible re-deployment to Trihaven. If Indra ends up going and Octavia would for some absurd reason be left behind, she expressed exactly how mad she would be at her best friend. Clarke, of course, promised. But she knew that even if she does not ask Lexa to keep Octavia in Polis, there was a chance Lexa would make that decision anyway.

“What time is your report tomorrow?” Lexa asked when Clarke said that she was wrong to ask about Octavia because it was now her who needed to relax.

“Eleven” Clarke frowned at her playfully.

As change of topics go, Lexa’s choice was not exactly something that would put her at ease. Tomorrow, she was defending the first part of her thesis to one of her advisers. If it does not pass, the progress she has made on the actual paper might go to waste.

“Are you ready?”

“Nope. But I'm done studying because if I study one more page, I will explode. And not of happiness.”

Lexa stared at her with an amused expression.

“What now?”

Lexa shrugged and Clarke had to nudge her again with her foot.

“I find myself always short on explanations when you ask me to describe what it is I gaze at”

“As long as your gaze is still in my direction, I'm cool” Clarke smirked, trying to fight another round of speechless blushes.

Lexa laughed easily, grabbing Clarke’s foot just in time to stop herself from getting kicked. Clarke pretended to be annoyed at her but as much as she seemed to have fooled Lexa into believing that she does not enjoy having her foot held hostage, she was already drowning in her girlfriend’s laughter. When Lexa turned a little serious and absentmindedly started rubbing her foot, she knew immediately that their blissful days being stuck in Trikru Tower were coming to an end.

The war just may have finally caught up with them.

“I will be leaving at the end of the week” Lexa said.

“Where?”

“Pre-War Summit down to the southern allies.”

“Oh yeah. I think my mom is going too. Is this where you sign your articles of war or something? ”

“Probably” Lexa sighed wryly. “If we can arrive to one. I do not see all of us coming to an agreement. Either way, I must go in person. I want to meet with the heads of our strongest allies. And invite them for my own summit here. ”

“Why would you need that? Your own summit, I mean. ”

“I need to see all the power players, the political strongholds…the probable defectors.”

Clarke understood that Lexa was already looking ahead in case Polis would find itself in an unfavourable position at the turn of this war. They have talked about backup plans should the rebels finally make their big move. Lexa had asked Clarke to memorize a series of coded routes on how to exit the tower should they be completely infiltrated and had gone as far suggesting they write their wills.

It was a big discussion and bordered on a fight a couple of nights ago because Clarke refused to think that way while Lexa claimed she was only being practical. The Commander has no plans of losing this war. But no one ever does. Instead of obliging her girlfriend, Clarke instead asked that maybe they should just look into probable nations they can turn to. Lexa hated the idea as she was used to being the strongest arm in any alliance but they both knew they were not going to come to an agreement that night.

So, Clarke promised to memorize security protocols while Lexa pledged her attendance to the Pre-War Summit.

“Anya mentioned that I might be the first Commander to have committed to attending a Pre-War Summit” Lexa said, tugging on Clarke’s foot to regain her attention. “In the old days, we just engaged. Our allies thank us, our enemies…well, I suppose they have finally resurfaced.”

“Congratulations” Clarke rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. “What a revolutionary you are, babe”

“It was your mother’s suggestion” Lexa noted with a faint but still fairly evident air of a smirk. “It appears that my strongest economic friend does not favour a violent approach against the rebels”

“I might be inclined to agree with her”

“If only you can manage a conversation without fighting”

Clarke splashed water straight at Lexa’s face as punishment for bringing up one of the things they have agreed not to talk about as they shared this bath. Lexa relented by giving pulling her legs closer to her until she was close enough to be kissed. Clarke felt that unlike before Lexa was less playful now. The kisses are always slower when Lexa is serious and while that makes Clarke nervous, she relishes that even after they have settled into a groove in their relationship, the butterflies that come with Lexa’s lips still flutter within her.

“She does love you” Lexa lectured her, pulling away. She leaned in for another peck and Clarke caught the ecstatic delight that is always present in her eyes whenever they had just broken off a kiss. “And she misses you.”

Clarke muttered that her mother was not exactly the topic she wanted being discussed while kissing her girlfriend in the hot tub. Lexa chuckled, apologized but maintained that she does know how her mother feels as they talk more than Clark and Abby do.

“What she feels is guilt.”

“Hmm. But you are her only child. What else would she be fighting for if not to give you a world to inherit?”

Clarke has had a comeback prepared for whenever Lexa would remind her that no matter what, Abby is still her mom. And she should just feel lucky that she has hers around. The last part of that statement, however, caught her off guard and instead of what she was sure was a snarky retort, she fell silent.

As always, the stakes in Lexa’s perspective were higher. Clarke was harbouring resentment as a daughter and Abby surely must have her arguments as a mother. Lexa, meanwhile, was looking at this in a grander scale. Abby’s reasons for her decisions, no matter how questionable they may be, continue to hold weight not just for the daughter she would someday leave behind, but for the world that her only child would have to live in.

Should that day come.

Clarke had to remind herself that in Lexa’s mind, that day will come sooner than later. Which is probably why she has a rather patient and broad view regarding Abby’s actions. Even if she has stated plainly before that she disagreed with the idea of the then-Chancellor’s wife possessing information that she practically leaked to his death.

Clarke gave a small smile and adjusted the temperature in the tub, if only so she could do something other than provide a reply she did not have.

“From what, I gather, it seems she could worry less about you. If that were at all possible” Lexa said testily when Clarke took her time with the controls.

Clarke stared at her and when Lexa smirked, she confirmed what was being implied.

“Here it goes” she mumbled as she hung her head back in slight exasperation.

“I ran into Octavia earlier”

“Baby, you are the Commander of Blood. You don’t just run into anyone.”

“Perhaps.”

Lexa’s lips twitched and it, in good humor, annoyed Clarke how easily Lexa has taken hold of this “date” and turned the tables on her.

“She told you about our trip to the armory and the gun range?”

“Yes” Lexa smiled sternly.

“Do you oppose it?”

“No. ”

“Liar”

“I do not” Lexa insisted, flicking ripples of water towards Clarke’s direction as if it would help her case. “I only wish I were the one teaching you.”

“Octavia is a pretty good tutor” Clarke argued. “And I’ve already shot a gun before so it’s not like she could teach me worse things.”

“I do not mean her. She is, after all, learning from the best.”

“And there it is” Clarke raised her hands and fist pumped in the air as though celebrating a momentous victory, all while Lexa continued flicking water at her. “This feud between you and Luna is ridiculous.”

“There is no feud, love.”

“Uhuh. Stop—“ Clarke warned when Lexa posed to increase the force of her jocular aquatic assault. “You don’t trust her”

“I trust her with the most important person in my life.”

Clarke smiled at her personal favourite description of Lexa about her. 

“But..?”

“But I do not trust what she harbors against me and my policies. For all I know, she is teaching you not to shoot the gun and wait to be abducted.”

Clarke sighed heavily and pouted. She knew this was not worth being discussed. There was a long history there that even she did not have the guts to uncover and tackle. Besides, she liked Luna and it would be a shame if Lexa assigned someone else to her security details.

“You cannot fix everything, Clarke” Lexa recounted one of her constant lessons for her girlfriend. “What is between me and her…or even me and Ontari, those are out of your reach. This war. It is out of your reach. I do wish you would offer yourself only to those causes which are worthy of your time.”

“And those which would keep me safe”

“Yes.”

“If I could help out in this war, you know I would.”

Lexa nodded at her with utmost understanding.

“You will not stop me?” Clarke tested with a smile, knowing that this portion of their conversation was coming to a close. It should be a testament to just how far they have both gone to build and work out their relationship that they manage to have such opposing views but not fight about them anymore. “Because if I recalled, you did ban me from meeting some soldiers at the airport until their security clearance are verified”

“I will do my very best to keep you alive” Lexa corrected in a solemn vow.

“Well…right back at you.”

Lexa shook her head in concession before resuming her earlier self-imposed duty of playing with Clarke’s foot.

“Well then?” she asked when Clarke started to zone out and relax into the bath. “Would it be possible for us to get away tomorrow? A short while after your report.”

“If the Commander permits it” Clarke smiled.

“The Commander insists.”

Lexa said so seriously that Clarke could not help but find it enormously endearing. She lifted her head slightly to assess just how intent her girlfriend was about this trip and instantly felt the raging butterflies in her stomach again when she saw a fairly controlled shy grin on Lexa’s perfect lips. Clarke nodded and sat up so she could lean in for a kiss.

She was already thinking of a plan to rush through her school commitments that morning when Lexa finally rested her head back on her side of tub and started humming peacefully. It might be one of Clarke’s favourite things to do with Lexa – sharing their brand of quiet. She knew how uncomfortable Lexa was with silence and to her mind, it was always an omen of bad things. But lately, when both their schedules were on a hectic high, the smallest time shared often ended up in sitting in silence and savouring the fact that they have each other.

Clarke started muttering about things she should have memorized already for school and realized that she must have been doing a lot in the last couple of days because when she missed a certain element in a chemistry solution, Lexa corrected her on it. Clarke blinked at her and got a small smirk in return. Lexa closed her eyes when Clarke started enumerating again but halfway through the list, she sat up in attention and held up a finger.

“What?” Clarke whispered, eyeing the door to which Lexa’s head had tilted. “Do you hear something?”

They have this constant banter whenever Lexa’s seemingly inhuman hearing ability would kick in. Clarke likes to joke about it, saying that it was a trick and that there will come a time when Lexa would have heard wrong or would turn out to be imagining something. Lexa indulges her for she has yet to be wrong.

Clarke watched as Lexa waited for what was presumably a soft knock outside, on the bedroom door.

“Bathroom, Anya” Lexa called out and when they both heard the footsteps outside, she smirked at her girlfriend.

“Commander?” Anya’s voice inquired from behind the bathroom doors. “I apologize for intruding”

“What is it?”

“Might I have a word before you retire tonight? It is not urgent. But I would rather it is settled before morning”

Clarke studied if Lexa’s relaxed shoulders would tense up again. She sighed with inner content when Lexa turned more thoughtful than she was worried. They shared a look to confirm that their momentary escape was indeed cut short yet again.

“I will go to you after I am done here” Lexa decided, already reaching for a towel behind her.

“I can always come back up, Commander.”

“No, Clarke needs her sleep for tomorrow. Office?”

“Yes. Thank you, Commander” Anya bid. There was a pause from behind the door and Clarke for a split-second thought there was bad news that would follow. “Good night, Clarke Griffin.”

Lexa snorted at her and Clarke stuck out her tongue as she fought off her own laugh. No one in this entire tower ever misses anything.

“’night, Anya” she replied.

Clarke watched as Lexa listened intently once more until they both heard the door shut at Anya’s exit. She studied how her girlfriend was almost methodical in pulling the stack of towels towards her.

“Babe, you really need to learn to lock your doors”

“Why?”

“Duh.”

“She knew better than to get in the bathroom. And there are guards outside.”

“Bathroom is one thing. What if next time she walks in on us? You know... ”

Clarke let her voice trail off, knowing that it would break Lexa’s concentration from getting ready to leave.

“She would hear one of us before reaching the doors” Lexa smiled naughtily.

“Very funny.”

Lexa said she clearly thought it was then stood up from the tub. Clarke made no attempts to hide her awe. It was one thing to check someone out. It was an entirely different enthralling spell to check out someone that was already hers.

It was not even the thought of having possession of someone she was deeply in-love with. Nor was it how perfect Lexa was. Clarke knows this body as much, if not more than, she knows her own. She loves and craves for every part of it - every scar on the surface, ever curve of the edges, every slope and every shape. She enjoys looking at it, tasting it, feeling it…dwelling in it. But every single time, Clarke was aware of just how much Lexa, the person, the soul and the being, was the reason why the vessel was beautiful. She wanted to pull her close. She wanted to hold her as tight as it was humanly possible.

She wanted to keep her safe and happy.

And right at that moment, as she tried to remember how to breathe again, Clarke just wanted to say she loves her. Again.  

This girl stood up in front of her, clothed in nothing but grace and dignity and Clarke could barely put together enough letters to form a word, let alone a sentence.

Lexa grinned at her as she stepped out of the tub and covered up with a towel, asking her girlfriend if she saw something she liked. It is always comments like this that transports Clarke back from being utterly overwhelmed at how generous her fate has been lately.

“Damn it, Anya” she groaned, keeping her eyes on Lexa. “I had plans tonight.”

Lexa’s smirk was entirely embarrassed as she quickly turned on the shower to wash off remnants of their bath time.

“You do have the best plans on any given night” she called out when she was done.

“And don’t you forget it”

“Oh, I never forget. Just last night, I remember—“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence or I swear, Lexa—“ Clarke warned, suddenly feeling paranoid that the bathroom was bugged.

Lexa stepped out of the shower and put on a robe before exiting the bathroom to change.

“You would find agreement with Anya” she commented from outside the open the door. “Seeing as she is the number one supporter of the most idiotic suggestion you have ever made on both our behalf.”

Clarke frowned to herself.

“Don’t call it idiotic” she said.

“A terrible idea then”

“Anya thinks I should meet with the rebels?”

Lexa was silent and Clarke had to lean back and crane her neck to take a peek at where Lexa was.

“Babe? Does she?”

Lexa reappeared in her sweatpants, army t-shirt and a bomber jacket. She sat on a chair by the sink and started putting on a pair of black rubber shoes but stayed silent as though trying to phrase her response. Clarke sat up on the tub and frowned again in curiousity. When Lexa looked up, she sighed sharply.

Clarke slowly stood up and dressed in the nearest robe she could get her hands on. It was the one topic they said they would no longer discuss. And Lexa was nothing less than thrilled that her girlfriend had decided to drop this argument until the need arises for it. The fact that it was her who brought it up made Clarke think that something had changed. And if Anya was involved, then the change was significant enough to cause a revival of the debate.

Clarke sat on the edge of the tub, prompting Lexa’s answer by playing footsies with her.

“Anya thinks you should keep your word” Lexa finally said.

She stood up and placed a hand to cradle her girlfriends face.

Clarke didn’t have to ask her what that statement meant. With Lexa, Anya and most people in Polis, there is a clear difference between doing something because it is right and doing something because it must be done. She closed her eyes and squeezed the hand on her face when Lexa bent down to give her a kiss before leaving to be the Commander again.

Lexa did not return until much later, when Clarke was already under the sheets and presumably asleep. She stayed silent, waiting for the arm that would surely snake across her waist and the hand that would seek out hers. Lexa, silent as ever in the dark, climbed into bed and draped herself around Clarke, kissing the back of her neck.

Clarke thought to ask her if something was wrong but almost too quickly, she felt her breathing even out and soon the hold on her hand loosened. The familiarity of it feels like they have gone through this nightly routine for years when it has only been less than a month. Clarke pulled on Lexa’s hand and hugged her arm closer, willing sleep to take her.

She had barely winked into unconsciousness when she heard her girlfriend’s voice in uncomfortable mumbles.

Clarke turned to her other side to wake Lexa up from their shared nightmares. On normal nights, only one of them would wake up to escape their horrors. Usually, it’s her and Lexa’s arm are always enough to calm her down. On stressful ones, they would take turns waking and comforting each other.

Tonight, however, Lexa did look like she was having a nightmare.

“I can’t---” she mumbled and Clarke’s frown became more pronounced. “She knows how…I feel…I just cannot…say it”

Clarke felt herself smile. She knew what it was about. They would sometimes mention it in passing. She has never asked Lexa to say it. She never even tried tricking it out of her but when they do have time to themselves and their friends, it is a constant topic used in teasing and joking around. They would laugh and she would steal a glance at her girlfriend’s reaction. Lexa is always unreadable, always controlled and never once failing at the persona she has built even for those closest to her.

Meanwhile, Clarke have always felt that it was something Lexa thought about. Sometimes, she would wonder if it would be easier to just give her the opportunity to say it back. But she knew, too well, that it was something you do not say back.

You say it.

On your own terms.

And Lexa would not want to say it in her sleep.

“She only…remembers… ” Lexa continued to mumble, with a pained creased on her forehead.

Clarke nudged her gently, kissing her on the nose until it crinkled and Lexa shifted sleepily on her other side. As much as that was enough to endear Lexa more, it was also enough to keep Clarke awake for the rest of the night. She knew that there was no pressure from her part and she has already asked Octavia to stop teasing them about it. That was the last thing her girlfriend needed to worry about.

But if Lexa was worried about something like this when she was fighting a war with rebels and terrorists, there must be something else that was wrong. Clarke was pretty spot on certain that the reason why Lexa was struggling with this has something to do with the other thing they try never to talk about anymore.

The past.

The following morning, Lexa kept eyeing her cautiously all throughout getting ready. When they sat down for breakfast, which they always made a point to have together because most days that was the only time they have to actually have a full-on conversation, she kept asking Clarke why there were no sarcastic quips about being awake and eating at six in the morning.

Clarke did not want to say that she was worried about her sleep-talking so she made up an excuse that she just had too much on her mind with her report. Which was a poor choice of lie because Lexa read her like she was a kindergarten poem. She finally relented and asked if Lexa was affected about Octavia’s, Lincoln’s and Anya’s joking around.

Lexa did not need any further details on which jokes Clarke was referring about. This time, she was the one who turned silent and instead allowed the butter on her toast to melt as she focused her eyes on the plate in front of her. Clarke smiled patiently and tried to take back her question but they both know it was too late.

“We can talk about them, you know” she said carefully. “The journals…”

Lexa stood up from the table and leaned across their meal to kiss her on the forehead.

“Oh, come on, Lexa” Clarke whined but Lexa simply bid her a good luck on her report and left the room with a pronounced shut on the door.

Clarke reached for the toast on Lexa’s place, gave her girlfriend a few minutes headstart then followed the same path outside. She rode the elevator to her bedroom’s floor, greeted Luna and her unit who were already waiting for her outside her room. Luna and a soldier followed her inside, made a routine sweep and deemed the room untouched. She almost smirked. Of course it was. Whenever Lexa stayed in the tower, Clarke stayed wherever she was.

Luna watched her as she sat in front of her computer and turned it on. Clarke knew what she was waiting for so she showed her that she was studying and not calling her mom. Luna shrugged and left her alone, hoping that her morning would be tensed enough to keep her thoughts away from the less than stellar start it had.

It turned out, she did not need to worry about tension as that was the bulk of her day, having to defend her paper to her professor who travelled to Polis and to an entire panel of department heads via video call. She was sure no other student had to go through this. Usually, it would just be a one-on-one with a thesis adviser but apparently, not when you are the Chancellor’s Daughter who was residing in one of the most mysterious landmarks and structures in the world.

She had all of their approvals and upon her professor’s departure, she received the high praises she was used to. Her professor had a flight that afternoon and was already in a hurry but managed a quick promise that the Chancellor will hear about her progress.

“She would be proud of you” she had said, giving Clarke a hug before getting in the car that Lexa had provided.

Clarke smiled graciously. She was not sure what would make her mother proud anymore. There was a time that she would have given hand and foot for such glowing remarks. Somehow, when one has seen what she had been subjected to in the last couple of days, teacher approval paled in comparison. Yet, she did manage to give herself a mental pat on the shoulder when she returned to her room and found that all reports were signed with official endorsements for the study to continue.

She made her to the offices and upon passing Lexa’s, she made a quick peek. Titus was sitting outside, talking with some soldiers and staff. Gustus was not present so Clarke was sure that Lexa was not even there. Whether someone told Titus or not, she did not know but she enjoyed the idea that he would be waiting for a really long time.

Clarke stopped in front of the office at the other end of the hall. When the guards opened the door for her, she quickly realized that she has never been in there before. She was greeted with three office tables and three uniformed soldiers behind them, all female, all looking as crisp as their boss. The one nearest a second door took one look at her before knocking on it and announcing that Clarke Griffin was there.

Anya’s voice called out to let Clarke in.

Luna said she will wait at the door and Clarke appreciated the fact that she might be the least intrusive person in all of Polis. If only she could be discreet about the instructions she was acting on, she would give Octavia a proper rival when it comes to keeping an eye on her. She strolled inside Anya’s office, expecting to see a similar sight as that of Lexa’s but stopped just at the doorway, confused.

Anya had taken down every single thing on her walls and they were piled up in the middle of her office. Clarke had to sidestep paintings, maps, weapons and even hunting trophies just to get to an armchair by the desk. Anya herself, made no use of her chair and was perched on top of her desk, a dart on one hand and remote control on the other. Clarke followed her gaze to the empty white all where a huge map of the entire continent was projected.

Anya paused the simulation of what resembled as troops traversing across Border Canyon.

“Is this how Polis wins its wars?” Clarke asked after she took a gulp.

The image was a standard battle plan but the strategic genius of it was overwhelming once you really take it all in. This was why Lexa would not trust her entire War Council’s decision over Anya’s single opinion. This is a strategic genius and it is only in the enormity of this simulation that Clarke finally appreciated just how many factors Anya constantly has to deal with on behalf of Lexa.

Lexa would make the decision. But only after Anya had given her choices.

The scene in the office was the reason why Lexa never goes back on a plan she commits on. The trust she has placed in Anya’s calculations was paramount to any battle plan in the world.

“No” Anya replied, smirking at the look of pure amazement on her guest’s face. “But it’s close. I am trying to make puzzle pieces together. It seems, the pieces I have do not belong to the same picture.”

“Don’t you just love your metaphors” Clarke said. She nodded her head towards Arkadia on the map. “Why is that in white?”

“Neutrality”

“Why is that?”

“You’re too big of a puzzle piece to pin down”

Clarke felt the small swipe. She knew that the back and forth of her mom’s government and Lexa’s were starting to show cracks. The seed of doubt was already blossoming and it did not help that she was in Polis. If anything, it made the rest of Arkadia paranoid and most of Polis overly cautious.

Anya turned away from the map and focused on her face.

“I was wondering if you would ever find the time to visit me” she said.

“You’re hardly around.”

“And when I am, you are buried in books and exams or playing with orphans and training with injured veterans. My, my, how Clarke Griffin has adapted a little too quickly in Polis”

“Don’t worry. I still do scoff at the idea of justice around here” Clarke reminded her in good humor.

“Yet I do not sense you came here for a debate”

“No” Clarke confirmed. She waited until Anya got down from the table, turned the projector off and sat behind her desk. “I need to ask you something.”

“Involving the three magic words?”

“What? No. Wait, how did you know about that?”

Anya snorted before raising an eyebrow of fake curiousity.

“I’m not that immature” Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’m here for – I’m not here for that. Although, it is intriguing that my girlfriend trusts you about her feelings more than she trusts me.”

“Trust is a luxury in Polis, Clarke.”

“I know she trusts me. I also know she does not trust that I know how I feel. And I feel like the reason for it is…I don’t know.”

“So you are here because she has not said it back?”

“No. But you brought it up so now I’m wondering if I should be here for that”

Anya nodded at Clarke as though she completely understood. Clarke hoped that she would be spared from having to say it. But that was never the deal in that tower. She sighed and met Anya’s expecting eyes. For a split second, she thought she saw a look of encouragement but it faded faster than a heartbeat.

“It feels familiar” Clarke confessed nervously.

“What does?”

Clarke shifted in her seat and glanced back at the door. Anya smiled patiently and said that only someone with a death wish would barge through those doors without knocking. It fell flat considering they both knew that if Lexa wanted to, she could unceremoniously walk in there and demand what on earth could they be possibly talking about.

“She’s away, don’t worry” Anya reassured her. “What feels familiar, Clarke?”

Clarke took a deep breath and nodded more to herself than to Anya’s prompting.

“When I look in her eyes? Every time I tell her I love her? Every time we have sex—“

“Clarke—“ Anya grimaced.

“Every time we have a moment to ourselves” Clarke recollected, biting her tongue. “Every time I sort of tell her again that I love her, there is this familiar glint in her eyes. It feels like the same invisible thread that has bound us since I met her. It feels like I should know what holds her back.”

“Did you try asking her?”

“Probably every day since we returned from the tree house to the point that we both agreed to just table that for a while because it was causing us to argue more than we would like.”

“Then, why are you asking me?”

“I wasn’t it! You brought it up!” Clarke puffed. “And now, it feels like a…reincarnated question.”

Anya smirked, saying that was not too hard of an admission.

“I don’t need to hear it. This is not about me—you know, saying those words and not getting a reply. I just want to make sure I’m not missing something here. She’s having nightmares of it, for crying out loud”

“She feels it” Anya stated patiently. “That much, anyone who knows the Commander, can assure you of.”

“But you know her more than anyone” Clarke pressed.

“That is being contested of late.”

Anya held her gaze testily. To Clarke, having conversations with Anya about Lexa always felt like a test. She had always felt that even if Anya was probably the harshest drill sergeant in the world, there was also no one else who rooted for her more. When Anya’s stoic inquisition switched to contemplative resolution, Clarke knew immediately that there was a possibility she would get hit with a truth that bites.

“You love her” Anya said, knowing that this was not a question to anyone.

“Yes.”

“You have always loved her.”

“Yes.”

“For as far back as your ancestors allow you to remember.”

Clarke blinked.

“And you remember her” Anya breathed warmly. “You remember the lives, even if they are just shadows. Even the smallest images. You remember unconsciously. You can paint the memories. You can sketch the moments even if you do not remember living them. You can love her – without even knowing it.”

“So what?” Clarke asked, half-confused and half- nervy. “I know it now. I am sure of it now. Why does it matter what I can or cannot remember?”

Anya nodded like she already knew this too. She shrugged when Clarke’s confusion turned to desperation.

“It is different with her” she explained slowly. She turned away from Clarke and focused on a book shelf across the room.

Clarke followed her gaze and quickly realized which book Anya was staring at. Hiding in plain sight among the hardbound edition of philosopher’s essays and international law books, was a plain black spine. She gulped and Anya broke free from whatever drew her attention to reveal the location of a journal.

“You never truly forget her” she continued. “A part of you always remembers. A part of you always knows, always recognizes her”

“That's different from what exactly?”

“I do not know if she ever does”

Clarke thought about it. Lexa is still clear on the fact that she cannot remember any feelings of familiarity. At least not the same way Clarke does. She has already admitted to lying about what she said in Arkadia, thinking that it would help Clarke move on from her easily. And whenever they would stumble upon the conversation, Lexa would distance herself from her girlfriend’s warnings regarding a former Commander’s death.

“Is that why this has failed time and time again?” Clarke asked in a small voice. She could hear just how quickly her own tone had turned somber. “Is that why history keeps repeating itself?”

Anya blinked at her, not missing the crestfallen spirit on Clarke’s face.

“You do not see it, do you?” she asked, amused.

“See what?”

“She can never remember” Anya repeated herself before smiling. “But she falls every time”

Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Without knowing?”

“Without remembering.”

“Still confused over here.”

“You think too much over things you should not be thinking too much of” Anya scolded her.

“Just yesterday you both told me to think my actions through.”

Anya’s jaw set with annoyance. She relaxed herself in her chair and waited for Clarke to squirm a little before allowing herself to summon the strength to be tolerant of things she has never enjoyed discussing.

“Lexa actually chooses you” she stated slowly but with ardent candour. “In every century, in every lifetime, she falls in love with you all over again”

“I love her too.”

“I am just saying it is different.”

“Because I remember” Clarke echoed the words.

Anya shook her head and stood up from her chair. She leaned on the wall and studied Clarke’s face, trying to figure out where her mindset was. Clarke knew from previous conversations that she was being vetted for possible sensitive information. She challenged her with a look saying that they had given her worse news about her country’s current state, she can handle a little sting regarding her love life.

“Because it seems you do not have a choice. She does.”

Clarke let that sink in before piecing it together in her head.

“She can choose not to love me? Is that even possible?”

Before she had met Lexa, that was a question in her mind. She never wanted to be in a steady relationship. But it was the next thing to solidify whenever you felt like your feelings were strong enough and true enough. Besides, how else would love be true if you could not commit on it? How else would it be proven if you could not even act on it?

“To fight love?” Anya laughed hollowly. “No. To walk away from it knowing all that you both know? Duty dictates she should. She could.”

This was the truth that Clarke had built herself up to be able to handle if it were ever thrown in her face. No one in Polis would ever admit it to her. Even if Indra is relentless with her warnings and even when Titus looks like he was being tortured whenever they were in the same room together.

It did not sting.

At least not as much as Clarke expected it to. Instead, it opened her mind to another truth that just because she knew what obstacles she had to go through, mentally and physically, does not mean that that journey was clear to Lexa. And she had fallen short on making sure that it was anything but irresolute.

“But she chose me.”

“Yes.”

Clarke did not have to look up to know that Anya was beaming with pride as she confirmed that.

“And she wonders if I ever had the same choice?”

“I would surmise as much”

“We’ve had this conversation in the tree house” Clarke griped as a personal reproach. “I’m an idiot.”

Clarke buried her face in her hands and yelled her frustrations into them. She heard Anya chuckle with the utmost pity for her.

“You knew to wonder and to feel. You knew to express. You cannot be an idiot for that” Anya pointed out when Clarke resurfaced from her palms.

“I did choose her. I wanted to walk away. You know I did.”

“Yes.”

“She knows I did.”

“Yes.”

“I chose to forget her before I chose to stay” Clarke said, standing up and pacing back and forth in the small floor space free of clutter she had. “I am not here because I wanted to be. I was sent here and if I really wanted to, I would have arranged my return to Polis. And now, I want to change universities. I want to be here with her. That is one of the very few choices I have made on my own lately. I did choose to love her and even if I never had that choice, I would never long for one.”

Anya nodded at her when she finished her monologue and stayed silent when Clarke exhaled the remainder of her tirade against herself. She watched intently until Clarke realized that she practically burned a hole on Anya’s floor.

Clarke slumped back down in her seat and started mentally composing an apology and a plan on how to assure her girlfriend that she was not being possessed by spirits of their former lives and was quite irrevocably and very consciously in-love with her.

“She’ll say it”

“What?”

“She will say it” Anya repeated with a slight nod. “When she is ready”

It was not about that but Clarke knew that no matter how many times she repeated that, it really did boil down to the fact that those three words hang over the both of them as sinisterly as the legend of their reincarnations.

“Is that how it is with you and Raven?” she baited.

Anya’s lip twitched, threatening a sharp retort.

“You deflect very well, Clarke Griffin”

“I did grow up with Jake and Abby”

“Do you doubt it?”

Clarke shook her head. The time for doubting on her part was long over.

“Of course not”

“Good” Anya set her jaw. She sat back down behind her desk, effectively turning the atmosphere back to having an official air to it. “The last thing you need when you go out there to meet with the rebels is doubting her”

“Oh, we’ve finally move onto that. You're scared I would turn on her?”

“No. But you have very set principles and so does the Commander. And this nation. And yours, no matter how plagued with politicians you are. And you have this incurable need to right the world without ever partaking in it. ”

“Is that why you advised Lexa to let me meet with them should they do decide to make contact?” Clarke asked what she actually did visit Anya for. “You want me to partake in the world?’

“I want you to be of use.”

Clarke remembered her conversation with Lexa the night before. She had alluded that Anya did altogether agree that it was the smartest plan in the world to allow the daughter of the Arkadia’s Chancellor to meet with known rebels. But said daughter, a face and name slowly making the rounds in international news, did make a retrospectively strategic promise.

It would be a more foolish decision to show the world that they act only for their own survival.

“Ouch.”

“I mean no disrespect” Anya atoned.

“I was kidding.”

“I only mean that it is unfair to lose you to books and handing out a bandaids when clearly you have talents which might lessen the blow of this war. Talents neither she nor I possess.”

Clarke grinned smugly.

“Go ahead, finish the rest of it.”

“Talents, for some reason, you never willingly nor consciously used. Until you met Lexa.”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief but thought better than to speak her mind.

“You think I'm manipulating her?” she said with a controlled smile.

Anya fought back a laugh and shook her head apologetically.

“Oh, Clarke, Clarke…Clarke” she lamented. “I think you are manipulating everything you could to keep her. And to keep her alive. You will find no objections from me.”

“Of course not. You did leave a millennia’s worth of journals for me to find. You would know manipulation even if it were a single drop of blood in the ocean.”

“Got the job done.”

“To get me to tell her I love her.”

“To get you to admit it. To stick to that truth. And make the rest of our lives a little easier” Anya smiled as she corrected wherever it was Clarke’s thoughts were already leading to. “Even if we now have to contend to living with the way she looks at you.”

“Huh?”

“It is positively sickening.”

Clarke snorted and Anya joined her laughing in a strange, newly comfortable harmony.

“It is not” she insisted. “It’s sweet.”

Anya made a face at her.

“It’s sweet!”

“If you insist” Anya relented. “I do have something to ask.”

“What?”

“Do not bargain on behalf of Polis.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow at how quickly Anya discarded her hearty laugh.

“I don't understand. What?”

“You have the liberty to act for what you think is best for the woman you are in love with. Not for the country she rules.”

Clarke replayed the sentence in her head and tried to reconcile it with her own perspective.

“Why not?” she questioned. “Why not ensure Lexa's life, Polis’s global standing and Arkadia's continued prosperity? If that would be on the table, why the hell not?”

“Because you're her girlfriend, Clarke Griffin. Not a political player. Forget your lines and you could get the both of you killed. Which would in turn end in Polis losing this war and turning the fates against your own nation.”

“I'm not sure I know how to do what you asked.”

Anya regarded her as though it was such a ridiculous statement. Clarke gestured that it was not. She really was not sure if she had it in to her separate the two. She was managing fine when it is just Lexa and her or when it is just within the tower. But when people they do not regularly associate with, she has struggled. Her last call with her mother was proof that she was becoming increasingly defensive for her girlfriend and not for the Commander.

She waved again at Anya who merely gave her an assertive regard.

“You are in love with the Commander of Blood. I am not sure there is anything you cannot do.”

Clarke opened her mouth to ask if that was sarcasm or not when there was a single knock on Anya’s door and without awaiting permission, Indra walked in. Anya nodded at her while Indra kept her eyes on Clarke. She did not seem like she was surprised that Clarke was there. If anything, she was more curious on why Clarke was _still_ there.

“War Room” she said curtly at Anya and the two of them exchanged a look which seemed like a complete conversation.

Whatever it was, Clarke could tell that they had just made an agreement to walk into the War Room with a united front.

“Right” Anya said, getting up and following Indra out the door. She did not seem at all concerned that she was leaving Clarke in her office which made Clarke wonder if there was nothing in that room that was too confidential in nature. “Clarke.”

“Yeah?”

“Have fun tonight”

Clarke remembered she and Lexa were supposed to have a date but considering they had not talked all day, she walked out of the office wondering whether she had plans for the rest of the day or not.

Luna met her outside and said that the Commander had called to check where she was because she was not picking up her phone. Clarke checked her watch and asked if she left a message for her and Luna confirmed that the date was still on.

"Are you coming with?"

Luna gave a pained nod.

When Clarke returned to her room, she found two huge black boxes on her bed. One had a card with her name on it, written in Lexa's handwriting.

_You will need this._

Clarke did not curtail her excitement as she tore open the first box and found a black leather flight jacket. She moved on to the second box where a motorcycle helmet lay with her initials engraved upon it

"No" she chuckled nervously.

They had talked before about motorcycles and how Clarke had ridden one or two before her father completely forbade it upon her mother's beckoning. Lexa said it was one of her personal favorite modes of transportation but since she ascended as Commander, she has been restricted to bulletproof Hummers, limos and tanks.

Clarke quickly changed into black jeans, a white button-down and leather boots. When she came out of her room, Luna had to pause for a moment to take her in. It might be the first her security team has seen her in anything other than slacks, skirts and a blazer. She put on her coat and Luna gave the nod that they were on the move.

Lexa was perched on a classic cruiser. Clarke knew the model because just last week, it made up the bulk of their conversation. She had told her girlfriend that she thinks it is too big for her and she was met with a smug smile. Like the one Lexa had on now while she arguing with Gus, in the underground parking lot. She smiled when Clarke approached her carefully.

"Hello" Clarke said, trying to keep her eyes away from her girlfriend's cleavage. "Black tank tops and a leather jack? Sorry, have we met?"

Lexa chided her with a look but did not say anything.

"Gus will follow us from the car. So will Luna and the rest of her unit" she said, mounting the bike. "Clarke?"

Clarke blinked at her.

This really was happening. She followed suit and settled behind Lexa, putting her hands on her shoulders a little tentatively, after she secured her helmet on. Suddenly, she was not sure how to touch her or hold her. She was not even sure where she can or should hold onto until Lexa pulled her hands down and wrapped them around her waist.

"Hey, babe?" she whispered when their security teams retreated to the cars and Gus was out of earshot.

"Hmm."

"I know this morning we were a little cold but let me just say that you are so hot right now, I'm literally sweating."

Lexa chuckled, her shoulders shaking as she pulled down her helmet's visor. She kicked the bike's stand off the floor, pressed a hand on Clarke's and shifted them into gear.

One thing the two of them never discussed or argued about was driving and that was only because Clarke has never ridden in a car driven by Lexa.

The entire half hour ride to wherever they were heading, Clarke swore they were racing against lightyears. She would tighten her grip around Lexa's waist whenever she felt they were going too fast and Lexa would slow down to appease her. Then she would speed up again, chuckling.

Clarke first saw the base upon turning to the bend in the road where the trees lined up and arched over their path. She felt Lexa slowing their speed down. She could hear her muffled words from behind her helmet but could not make out what they were. So instead, she loosened her hold on her girlfriend's waist and looked up at the trees starting to recover from a fairly kind winter. Clarke could see the late afternoon sky playing the perfect background to silhouettes of thick, pronounced yet bare branches.

The road and this natural archway seemed endless until Lexa tapped her hands slightly and motioned at the structure ahead of them. Clarke squinted and she could make out the words in bold display at rather modest steel gates.

THE ALEXANDRA AIR BASE.

Clarke's stomach made an involuntary lurch. Somehow the flight jackets and the trip to an airbase which Lexa never mentioned before started to make sense. Something told her that they won't be on this bike for too long. And she was not sure that was a good thing.

Lexa parked her bike inside a half-empty hangar where she was greeted by half a dozen uniformed pilots who were a little too enthusiastic to have them there. Clarke shook hands with them and was surprised that when they led them out the exit leading towards the runway, Lexa took her hand.

She kept quiet and smiled to herself when the pilots stopped on their tracks upon seeing the act but merely gave Lexa a proud smile.

"Lexa?" she whispered.

"It is okay" Lexa whispered back. "They are okay."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. Lexa just shrugged. She was more comfortable with these pilots than she is with most of her generals. She conversed with them freely, announcing her plans for an expansion of the base and why she asked them to prepare a specific plane. She was in the middle of explaining that she wanted to show Clarke somewhere special and private when it occurred to Clarke that when Lexa was talking about flying around, she really did mean flying around.

As in she would be piloting a plane.

They walked the length of the runway until they went off of it and into a trail. Clarke almost breathed in relief when it seemed they would not be getting on an aircraft until she saw that the trail led to a river bend. When they were shown the aircraft they would be using – a small sea plane perfectly still on the river’s waters -, Clarke's hold on Lexa's hand tightened in nerves.

In all their conversations, Lexa has never mentioned anything about being in the Air Force.

"It is my plane. I know how to fly it" she offered as a consolation when she was strapping in her girlfriend to the seat. She put on her headset and made a few technical calls and reports to whoever was monitoring this flight then started the engine.

Clarke watched as Lexa drove their plane slowly out of the river. She looked out the window and saw their security team scouting the perimeter while Gus and Luna were boarding a speed boat. She sighed, already thinking of a way to tell her that she would much rather stay on the ground or the water for the entirety of this date when Lexa mumbled about trust. Clarke rolled her eyes and shut her mouth up.

Trust was not the issue.

It was mostly that this was not something she had prepared for so it felt a little weird. But then again, this was Lexa and when she started maneuvering the plane to a lifte off, Clarke smirked at how smooth her personal pilot was. She leaned over and gave Lexa a kiss, their headsets getting in the way.

Lexa brought them above the bed of clouds and Clarke was literally watching the sun slowly descend. Lexa carefully followed the setting as she piloted the plane to course through the cloudy skies and it was only when the sun was literally disappearing over mountain ranges that their plane levelled down a vast expanse of green forest before revealing one of the biggest and bluest lakes Clarke as ever seen.

Lexa pressed a button and the windows rolled down slowly, catching Clarke’s cheeks with a chilly kiss. She frowned at the surprise but did not say anything. She got used to the cold quickly and the mist from low-lying clouds were sweet on her face. Lexa said she needed to experience this flight with open windows.

Clarke did not know why but she was too busy enjoying the view to figure it out.

"This is the lake Octavia wanted to show you" Lexa said, playfully bringing the plane to ski on the surface of the water then pulling it back up again. "Look ahead, do you see that island in the middle?"

Clarke nodded, squinting for a clearer view as the orange sky was too bright a backdrop that the land mass was basically just a silhouette.

"That is where we are heading."

Lexa landed the plane with more ease than when they took off. When Clarke noted this, she said that ever since she was younger, she found it easier to touch a plane down than to bring it up in the air. She liked stability, she said and Clarke tried hiding a sheepish smile.

"Is that a shrine?"

"Mountain."

Clarke studied the mountain intently as they grew closer. She realized that the gate ahead of them bore the same marks as the Warriors Shrine back in Arkadia. It also appears that they were not alone in the island. Lexa dropped her hand a few feet before they reached the gate and whispered for her to stand still. A few seconds later the stone gates opened and she followed her girlfriend inside.

There was nothing inside the gate except the foot of the mountain where two sentinel soldiers stood. Clarke looked for a door but could not find out. The soldiers stepped away from their posts and revealed that what they were guarding was actually on the ground.

Lexa crouched down to where there was the Seal of Polis engraved on what looked like a lead entryway. She pulled away vines which served as extra cover and tapped on the center of the seal. It broke in the middle and revealed a biometric scanner. Lexa pressed her palm against it and what felt like a the very core of the earth started to shake.

"What the--?" Clarke exclaimed, keeping her balance firm.

Lexa took hold of her by the elbows and told her it was a surprise. Clarke muttered that she was more worried they had caused an earthquake. Lexa laughed her off as the giant seal on the ground slid to the side and revealed a staircase leading underground.

Clarke shook her head and said that as much as it was romantic to explore the unknown with your girlfriend, she drew the line at above sea level exploration. Lexa laughed, kissed her on the cheek and took her hand, tugging on it as she started making her way down the stairs, with reluctant girlfriend in tow.

"Have you been playing a ruse all this time and you secretly want to kill me?" Clarke joked when they reached the ground and they faced a single lead-walled hallway.

"I promise there is champagne at the top."

"Top of what?"

Lexa gave a small smile and insisted that it was a surprise. At the end of the hall, Clarke examined the wall closely and realized it was door. When Lexa pressed her thumb at another concealed scanner, the door opened and revealed itself to be an elevator. There was only one button inside. An arrow leading up.

"You know what just occurred to me?" Lexa asked about a minute after the doors closed.

"What?"

"We have never done it in an elevator."

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend and when she realized that Lexa really was serious, she laughed. Lexa frowned at her but it was one of those infectious laughter that no sooner than when she had broken a grimace, she was already joining Clarke's laughter.

"How long is this ride?" Clarke asked, suggestively pulling Lexa closer by the hem of her pants.

Lexa leaned closer to her, slowly grazing her lips by her neck and to her ears.

"Not long enough."

Clarke laughed again, trying to hide the fact that she was already weak in the knees. Lexa rarely teased her or left her hanging and she was hardly used to it. But the elevator door opened and the moment passed. She pouted at Lexa who merely shook her head at her, as though saying they both have to wait.

They walked hand in hand through the narrow hallway and stopped in front of another concealed door. Lexa tapped the wall and at the very spot where she did show, another scanner came to view. Only this one, Clarke immediately noticed would not be scanning for fingerprints. Instead, Lexa pressed her right hand on the pad and Clarke heard a distinct sound from the machine pricking Lexa and gathering a drop of her blood.

The door opened and when Clarke followed Lexa inside, she at first thought she was inside a private room in a museum.

There was nothing inside this cylindrical chamber except a class tube case in the middle where a bright blue light radiated. They walked closer and Clarke realized that there was an hour-glass shaped machine inside, delicate in features, ancient in appearance but very hi-tech in design. Lexa took a few steps away from her, walking at a small table where there really was a bottle of champagne and two glasss.

Clarke studied this unique art piece in front of her while her girlfriend poured her a glass, contemplating which type cheese would go best with their drink. Clarke's attention was already drawn towards the middle of the machine where a sort of blue gem was suspended in the air, an electric current charging it from top and bottom. It took Lexa nodding at her chest to make Clarke realize that the gem was familiar, and its glow was inviting as it was captivating, because she was wearing a smaller, a rawer, version of it.

Lexa handed her her glass and smiled, encouraging her to ask her questions.

“What is it?”

“A chip. Well, I think it is a chip. It has been fashioned into a chip. Legend says it is alive. It is made of the same element as the one you wear. Indra once told me that this breathes. It breathes life to Polis”

“And you?”

“I think it might be the only thing to have survived all the wars Polis took part in. It certainly is knowledgeable enough.”

“Um?”

“It has artificial intelligence capacity and for the most part, it operates the same way. Except it does not think on its own. It does absorb data like an AI. And its security functions are like an AI. If you program it correctly.”

“For some reason, only Commanders can ever update it. And it does not respond to non-Commanders. It cannot be controlled by non-Commanders. Anya’s bloodline has worked with this for generations. When a Commander dies, they protect this island until a new one can come and…well, re-spark it.”

“Re-spark?” Clarke asked, her eyes dancing to the blue glow which do look like they were embers.

“It dulls a little, I guess” Lexa replied thoughtfully. “It is a legend so I have not yet verified it. But from what I have read, it dulls a little when a Commander dies because it does have a self-preserving program. It will only shine again when a new Commander ascends and updates it.”

“Update like a diary?”

“Yes.”

“So it knows all your secrets?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Mine. Commanders before me. All of Polis” Lexa confirmed, popping a chocolate covered strawberry in her mouth and chewing it slowly.

Clarke took a sip of her champagne with a teasing smile. She recognized right away that Lexa was trying to be sexy with her. There was no trying. Lexa was all kinds of sexy to her and if she did not will herself to focus, she would not make it to the point of this trip.

“That is how it acts and knows before the danger even happens” Lexa continued, mirroring her smile before turning slightly more serious. “It grows with the times, I suppose. Polis is weakened without this security system. It is both our weapon, our history…our flame. When it dulls, so does Polis.”

“Why hasn't it killed me yet?” Clarke joked.

“Are we still fixated on that?”

“Lexa--”

“Clarke. This is a date. Will you please abide? ”

“I thought it was a history lesson”

Lexa glared and Clarke chuckled apologetically. She took a few steps towards her, closed their gap and kissed her on the cheek.

“Okay. I’m sorry” she said, noting how Lexa did not at all seem appeased.

Clarke obliging kissed her on the lips, a quick peck and urged her to go on, promising her fullest attention.

“This chip is the reason why Trikru Tower still stands” Lexa started again, running her fingers on the glass which encased the chip. “It has a power cell counterpart just outside the tower. It creates a force field and an alarm system which should warn us if forces are about to breach the city. Then it activates a range of weapons across the border, the mountains, outside the main city and the tower itself. It is science, my love. Nothing more than you freaking out when your phone does not remind you to update applications.”

“But you did say legend--”

“We have culture and tradition and a handful of superstitions. I have tried sneaking away from work sometimes to read on it. Let us just say that I may not know how this…chip sustains itself. There is no power source but the Commander. Indra believes it does host past Commanders. We keep our memories here. It is a debrief packet of sorts, in my mind. I do not believe all of our legends but it part of my duty to preserve them. They make part of our identity as a people.”

“So…” Clarke took in the information slowly.

She was still unsure why this was Lexa’s choice of date. It felt more like a reading of a last will and testament, not a romantic stroll through history. It also felt like Lexa had allowed her to cross another line with her public and official life. They have managed to find a balance with what they can and cannot freely discuss and who they were when they do talk.

It was always Commander and Chancellor’s Daughter if they were in the offices and if they were in public. Everything else, when it is just the two of them, was personal. This might be one of the few times Lexa willingly divulged information about Polis. At least, this was the first time that she did so not out of necessity.

“So…” Clarke mused again, trying to beat Lexa to whatever the point was. “ So…if this fails, Polis falls?”

“Not right away. But we will be more vulnerable. Very vulnerable.”

“When was the last time you were here?”

Lexa smiled, as though knowing that Clarke was trying to figure out where this conversation was going. Knowing Lexa, Clarke did not have to guess that she was really being led to the point of this date.

“Last week.”

“When you said it knows all your secrets? Even the intimate ones? ”

“Yes.”

“Even us?”

Lexa pursed her lips.

“We are not a secret, my love.”

“Yeah. Sure”

Clarke gave Lexa a look to challenge that. It was untrue. Everyone who was close to either of them knew that they were together. One would have to be stupid not to know. The entire wing of the Commander’s office know. Even all the people Clarke have grown close with while in Polis know. Everyone who knew them know.

Except that in Lexa’s case, she was not in the business of keeping a lot of people close.

“Yes, even us” she relented when Clarke would not budge.

Clarke nodded with a grin as blank as her mind went. She thought back to her conversation with Anya. Maybe now was a good time to come clean about what she was told but if she did bring it up, it would just seem like she was pressuring her girlfriend to get to tell her that she loves her too. And that was just ridiculous considering that they were standing at the one place that keeps Polis safe.

And the one place that could destroy it.

Now, she was basically standing on information that could keep their relationship stable and at the right course or could set them back to not speaking again.

“About breakfast—”

“That was my fault” Clarke interrupted. “I shouldn’t have brought it up again.”

“Yes.”

Clarke scoffed at how Lexa seemed keen on not sharing blame.

“You had legitimate questions. And I refused to answer. I was wrong to walk out like that” Lexa acknowledged. She reached for Clarke and pulled her by her jeans, her hands resting on her hips before pressing their foreheads together. “I apologize.”

“It’s okay” Clarke breathed nervously. “I picked a fight.”

“Maybe. Be that as it may, there is something I have been meaning to show you since we returned from the tree house.”

“Okay?”

"You want to see how this works?"

Clarke eyed Lexa cautiously when she started typing things into a keyboard and screen she pulled out from the podium hosting the chip.

"You're going to---? What exactly are you going to do?"

"I am not due for a transfer yet but like I said. You should see something."

Lexa held up what looked like neuro and cardio sensors then motioned for Clarke to come over.

"It will not hurt. I need to put these on your temples, your chest - and this other one on your finger - before you go under."

"Under what?"

"You will see."

Clarke moved slowly closer to where Lexa stood holding up the plugsss. Lexa placed them on either temple with a small smile on her face. They felt cold and Clarke visibly shuddered at the touch. Lexa brushed the back of fingers to soothe the chills away before she did the same to the sensors for her chest, wrist and finger. Then she walked over the wall and tapped it to reveal a set of screens.

Clarke's mouth dropped when the room was suddenly illuminated by one wall covered with flat screens. Lexa pushed what looked like dentist chair towards her.

"A little too Frankenstein for me, babe"

"Hush. Sit. And put this on while I set you up."

Clarke took a pair of visors but did not put them on just yet. Instead she watched as Lexa hooked tubes and wires from the computer powering the chip to the chair she was lying back on. Lexa talked casually that this is what one would call transferring or loading one's consciousness into a type of AI programmed to store memory and data. She paused to see if her girlfriend was keeping up before going back setting the machine to the mode she wants. Clarke said she really did not want to transfer anything to...anything.

"Of course not. It will not accept your consciousness. You will be watching some of mine."

"What?" Clarke gulped nervously.

This was not the how she envisioned this date to go and suddenly that glass of champagne she downed was creeping up her throat.

"Lie back" Lexa gently pushed her down the chair and placed the visor over her eyes. "Keep your eyes open until you no longer can. You will feel a jolt."

"What kind of--"

Jolt.

Jolts.

Electric, blinding light, thunderstorm kind of jolt shooting straight from the sun into her eyes and electrocuting her body.

Not painfully, though.

It felt more intrusive than anything. Like she was being carried off from cloud to cloud by a wave of static energy. During a thunderstorm.

The light slowly faded and she felt Lexa's hand squeeze hers. She held onto it like it was her only latch to reality.

"Breathe" Lexa's voice came from somewhere.

Clarke sought out where it came from, clutching desperately to her girlfriend's hand. Then she saw her materialize before her eyes. Except this is not the same woman who piloted a plane to get them to this island. This was a different version of Lexa.

Colder. More official looking.

A familiar stranger.

Like the day they first met.

She gasped when the vantages changed and she realized she was seeing through Lexa's eyes.

Lexa saw her before she even got out of the car. She spotted her in the crowd and wondered who she was.

Curiosity.

Anya had whispered that she was the Chancellor's daughter and Clarke felt her heart - Lexa's heart - thud like it was hit with a blow from nowhere. She took a deep breath before going down and shaking hands. She tried her hardest not to stare.

Clarke saw how she looked when they first met. Lost and captivated.

Lexa found it astonishing.

That first handshake.

Lexa was lost too. She did not know what the connection meant. She could not understand the awe, the curiosity and the pull.

Captivated.

She was already captivated, then.

The images flickered in static and Clarke felt the initial jolt again, only lighter like her system had gotten used to it. She felt herself blink and suddenly the scene in front of her change like she switched channels.

Lexa stood in her suite back in the Chancellor's mansion. She was pacing, holding the necklace that now hung around Clarke's neck. Anya stared at her Commander as bewildered as Clarke has ever seen her. Lexa debated on whether she should give her the necklace. She knew that it would have implications. She was more than aware what the necklace was and what it meant. She has no reason to give it to Clarke other than she cannot seem to stop thinking how blue her eyes are. That was when she decided that this was just a gift. She convinced herself that this was nothing more than a courtesy.

Courtesy.

Like when she asked her to dance later.

Another flicker and Clarke was transported to another channel of Lexa's memories.

First dance.

Clarke could never forget it if she tried. She was so nervous. So confused. And that was how Lexa was the entire time.

Confused.

She did know what to do with feelings. It had been too long since she even allowed herself to believe that she could feel. But Clarke fits her. She knew then that they belong together. She would have said so if they were not interrupted. When she said that Clarke makes her feel, she was already confessing the deepest part of herself to this stranger who had completely commanded her senses to awaken.

But Indra walked in and the minute they stepped away from each other Lexa had longed for her touch just as much as Clarke ached for her that night.

Cold.

Clarke felt the chills from Lexa's memories.

Flicker. Switch. Clarke could feel herself getting disoriented. She wanted to hang on to these moments.

That night at the river. They held hands, fingers like fate. Lexa was ruffled after Indra told them the story. And she was so angry she even allowed things to go that far. She did not want to Clarke to follow her because she really did need time alone. But as soon as she heard her footsteps, it was as though she had question why she ever allowed herself to be that alone.

She knew she was standing on borrowed ground and stolen moments but the quiet was too enticing and Clarke’s intrusion into her life was too irresistible to even consider escaping from.

Their hands, frozen in the cold waters of the river, found scarce hearth with each other.

And that silence. The quiet she has always hated. The calm that has never found suddenly settled within her.

Calm.

Too calm.

Flick. Switch.

She recognized the next memory.

Water tower at sunset. She looked for where the pounding was. She worried she was blushing until she realized she was still in Lexa's memory and the pounding was not for her. It was Lexa's chest. She wanted to kiss her then.

She missed. She missed.

And then chaos.

That night was chaos.

Lexa was the most scared she had ever been at the thought that the mansion was infiltrated. She was sure it was her fault.

She did not know how to tell Clarke that she had put her life in danger.

Clarke watched as the memories were rushing in now -- like flipping through slideshows of picture.

Lexa's argument with Indra.

Her talk with the Chancellor.

Spending that night on the couch with Clarke.

Careful.

She wanted nothing more than stay in that room and hold this girl tight.

That was the night. The night that she was sure. She knew it as they cuddled close. She knew it then.

She had fallen.

Completely fallen for her.

But she was not supposed to. She was not allowed to. She could not even tell Clarke. Because she could not keep her.

Covetous.

That was how Lexa felt when she walked out that room. She was fuming with anger and frustration at Clarke and this whole situation and she could not find a way out. Clarke was not listening and part of Lexa knew that maybe it was best. Maybe it was better that Clarke would not hear her out because that was the only way she would miss it.

Crash.

Crumble.

Crying.

Clarke felt it like it was her own pain only it may actually have been worse. She waded in Lexa's sorrow as they walked away from each other. Clarke knew what would come next. And a conscious part of her wanted to see it. She wanted to know what happened with Lexa just before they fought in the library. She wanted to hear what the Chancellor may have told her.

Except time seemed to have skipped. It happened with one blink again and she was fast forwarded to Lexa standing in the middle of the library, bracing herself for the fury that Clarke brought in through the doors.

They cringed. Both Clarke the spectator and Lexa in the memory. Neither of them would ever want to relive how badly they had hurt each other that day. Clarke's chest felt like it was about to give out as she listened to herself fall apart in front of Lexa.

Lexa made up her mind at that moment.

Clarity.

It was clear to her that while she was absolutely sure of how she felt - and she felt enough to send Clarke into another jolt - this was just not meant to be. Her concern for Clarke's safety and the cause of her people must come first. She cannot stay. Not when her people need her and not when Clarke needed space.

So she lied.

Clarke watched as the memory faded like thunderstorms rolling in on an unexpecting summer morning. She stood there, watched her own face, hard and broken at the same time as she made one last attempt to get Lexa to stay. She begged her with yearning of dying rosebuds in the cusps of winter. She saw the disbelief behind her shadowed eyes when Lexa said no.

Then the realization dawned on her as it had on Lexa.

Lexa saw her strength. Her resolve. And through the despair that their fate caused and the decision that she had no intention to reverse, she fell in love with her all over again.

Clarke was not sure she was breathing. She was not even sure she was still in her own body or if she were still just casually strolling through Lexa's memory. There was a suspension of reality right now and she was sure that if she did not grab hold of anything familiar, she would lose herself in this world. She would lose herself in the exact moment that Lexa did the most courageous thing she has ever done.

That was what was needed in that single sand of time.

Courage.

Courage to feel. To hurt. To fall. To leave.

To love.

Courage to love Clarke.

To love her enough to leave.

To love her enough to walk away.

To love her enough to never have her.

To love her.

Her.

To love her all through the days they were apart.

To love her at nights when she could not sleep.

To love her too much that she would send no one but her own brother to save her.

To love her through stolen glances at the airport, at the rooftop...at dinner.

To love her when the nightmares come and to love her when the nightmares win.

To love her when she was difficult.

To love her scared.

To love her and still not tell her because quite simply, Lexa does not know how to say it.

She just does.

Clarke shook from somewhere between the stars and the core of the earth.

That night in the treehouse when she first said it and all Lexa wanted was to say it back.

But words fail and breaths could only steal away from the moments. Kisses are more eternal. Touches were more real. Desire was powerful. Passion was consuming and heat was fueled only with the truth.

When Lexa kissed her, held her and tasted every part of her, she was promising all of her to Clarke.

A covenant sealed with lips and tears...and sighs and the writhing delight of ecstasy.

Of course she was all Clarke's.

She was bound to her from the minute she wondered who was this girl with eyes that held the skies. It was there. Every minute. In every decision. In every breath exchange, every stolen glance and every single touch.

Of course Lexa has loved her since. She has never stopped.

"Easy, love" Clarke heard Lexa's voice echoing inside her.

She felt herself being pulled down from the clouds and her hand being grounded in the safety of Lexa's grasp.

"Here comes another jolt" Lexa warned gently.

The memories whirled, slowly fading into a blank white screen. She felt herself slowly settling down on more stable ground until she felt the comfort of the chair and the firm grasp of warm fingers between hers. Clarke exhaled sharply as her mind pulled away from borrowed fragments of Lexa. She was sweating all over, her throat was dry and the rest of her longed to be held and to hold the love of her life. Once her eyes focused on Lexa, she realized that even if she one day must, she could never live a life without her.

Lexa slowly removed the visor, whispering for her to make sure she does not open her eyes too quickly. Clarke sat up straight when her eyes re-focused on their surroundings. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing coherent came out.

Lexa smirked over her shoulder as she closed up the screens. She walked slowly towards her, studying her reaction with every step. She smirked again as she removed the sensors from Clarke's body and stowed them away, careful to deposit a drop of her blood to close the chip off from view again.

Now the room was that much darker, with nothing but a faint blue light escaping from the lid of the chip's secure case. Lexa had gotten Clarke exactly where she wanted her – in the dark, blue light dancing on her face, and utterly speechless.

Clarke tried talking but all she heard was a soft croak torn between flattered and overwhelmed.

“You have a tongue. Use it” Lexa tried to be clever.

Clarke saw an opening to focus on instead of the rave going on all over her body.

“In what context?” she smiled, mischief in her eyes playing delightfully with the glow in the room.

She saw Lexa blushed harder than she ever has before.

“Like...talk!”

“Ah. Talking.”

Clarke held a finger up and summoned her girlfriend with it. She pinned Lexa between her legs and burrowed her face on against her stomach.

“Here I thought there are better ways one's tongue can be of use.”

Lexa laughed nervously. Clarke looked up at her at yet again, all words escaped her. Well, except for the ones she had tried to stop herself from saying again to avoid another awkward saga between them.

"I do love you" she pledged, hugging Lexa tighter.

"I said it first" Lexa replied coyly, her eyes deep and dark as she kissed her on the jaw.

“Pet names don’t count” Clarke said unevenly as Lexa’s fingers fumbled to unbutton her jeans. “And this—these were not words, babe.”

“Mhmm”

“Lexa?”

Lexa smirked at her before pulling off her pants. Clarke laid back down on the chair and closed her eyes as her girlfriend made long, heated kisses up her leg and gentle sucks on her thigh just before pulling off her underwear.

“Tell me, Clarke” Lexa rasped against the Clarke’s skin. “What uses?”

“I’m sure you can think of something”

Clarke heard her own throaty reply. Lexa was already teasing her with subtle brushes and after the last couple of minutes, she knew it would not take much before she would totally give in to the lack of pressure and practically demand more. She reached down to put her hand to use and create the friction she was already craving but Lexa caught her finger with her teeth, reprimanding her. Clarke knew better than to question it.

It is no question that between the two of them, Lexa enjoys the teasing more. Especially when she was in this position.

Clarke tried to calm her heart and delay the desperation in her knees and hips and she felt her girlfriend’s tongue start to meet her increasingly moistening core.

If tonight was all about reliving memories, then Clarke just confirmed that the best way to never forget moments is to continuously re-create them.

No touch is ever truly re-created. No kiss is ever truly the same and while bodies fit when they are made for each other, there will always be something new to discover. They have proven as much whenever they have sex. They have proven as much that it has never truly mattered where they were and how they do it.

Bedroom. Car. Office. Library. Bathroom. Bathtub. Shower.

Comfortable. Highly not. Private. Dangerously not.

The kisses were still eternal. The touches realer than they have ever been now that they are more sure. Desire is always overpowering. And the heat…

“Babe—“ Clarke both warned an encouraged as Lexa’s pace found a pattern suited just right for Clarke’s staggering breath and dire thrusts.

The heat has become passion incarnate.

And as Lexa buried her face between Clarke’s leg, Clarke hung her head back, hungrily whispering Lexa’s name.

She could live in these kinds of moments forever.

She clasped her hands on Lexa’s hair, shaking as she pushed her deeper inside her, yelling out her name when she came.

That much was a constant.

Lexa has enjoyed hearing her name at the tip of Clarke’s climax, so beautifully pronounced in whimpered breaths. Clarke exhaled in short hurried breathes, knowing that she still has more in her. She cannot imagine ever not wanting Lexa. She cannot even think of how it would be never to be in the mood for this.

Her hunger for Lexa, her love, her passion and heat and commitment to what they have tried to build together… These are all eternal too.

“You are okay?” Lexa asked, hugging Clarke’s legs as she laid her chin just on top of Clarke’s still sensitive core.

“Told you… Told you, you would think of something”

Lexa chuckled, eyes still shadowed with the kind of hunger mirrored in Clarke’s eyes. Clarke reached for her, pulling her on top of her. She complained that Lexa still had her shirt on but did not wait for help as she practically tore it off of her.

Clarke smiled into the kisses and murmured her I love you’s.

Her hand found its way down Lexa’s body, like a wanderer that has travelled this route too many times but never found the will to stop. And she would not have stopped but Lexa’s phone buzzed and they both groaned.

“It’s probably Indra” Lexa grumbled, dropping her head on Clarke’s chest.

“She has never hated me more” Clarke joked, allowing Lexa to pepper her jaw with kisses. “Go on then. We can…find the time…later.”

Lexa thanked her and rushed to look for where her phone was on the floor. Clarke dressed quickly, surveying her girlfriend conduct official matter while wearing nothing but a pair of unbuttoned jeans. She blushed when they were greeted by their respective security teams outside the main gates of the island but thankfully Lexa was already back on business mode that their trip back to the tower was hardly private or intimate.

Clarke was still on edge after their tryst was cut short.

“You were saying earlier?” Lexa asked when she found Clarke waiting for her in their now often shared bed.

There were hardly any words after that.

Memories really are engrained deeper when relived over and over again.

Clarke woke up the next morning to an empty bed. She got up so quickly, wrapping the sheets around her body and rushing to the door, that she almost did not notice that Lexa was still in the room, reading a dossier by her desk. Clarke stopped at the door and fought off a blush as her girlfriend gave her a lopsided grin, saying that she was leaving in a few minutes but would have woken her up before then. Lexa went back to reading and Clarke stared at her. She was supposed to be going to a summit and if memory serves her correctly, Lexa was supposed to be in her executive dress uniform.

Not full tactical gear.

"It is just for the travel, babe" Lexa said quietly, not looking up.

Clarke smiled hesitantly at how easy it is for them to feel out each other's thoughts. She walked over to where Lexa was half-sitting on her desk and pushed the dossier down gently. Lexa stared up at her curiously before welcoming her slow advance for an embrace. She rested her forehead on Lexa's upon breaking of the hug, smiling weakly when her girlfriend's hand settled just above her behind.

Clarke whispered that she only ever calls her "baby" or "babe" if she did or was about to do something she would not like. Lexa chuckled and admitted that her trip might get extended.

Clarke didn't bother asking for how long. She just pulled her closer again and clung to her as the clock behind them seemed to suddenly tick louder. She joked that she knows Lexa will not take too long. She gets too grumpy when she was away from Polis for more than a week anyway.

Lexa laughed at her and admitted that for the most part, she was right. Anya knocked on the door before Clarke could tease her some more and Lexa had to give her a kiss goodbye.

“Can I ask you something before you go?”

“Yes?”

“Did you ever--- you know, look? At other Commander’s pasts?”

Lexa smiled knowingly.

“To see if we can change the future?” she asked a little too sternly for Clarke’s liking. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I will decide my future. And if you will have me, I would want to take you along. But on both our terms, not anybody else’s. Certainly not by those who have obviously failed at this before.”

She kissed Clarke again and whatever follow-up question Clarke had was forgotten.

“Come home to me?” Clarke whispered into her lips.

“What else am I supposed to do?” Lexa smirked.

Clarke sighed as the door shut. Maybe one day she would figure out how to actually walk her girlfriend to the main gates or even just to the driveway. For now, she would have to settle with waiting for her to call that she was on the plane and the more important one that she had made it to wherever she was safely.

It was already a small victory that she made it until lunch not to check her phone or to inquire at Lexa’s office if her plane has landed yet. She was returning from her morning with the nurses in the Children’s wing when her phone rang and Lexa told her they were about to land.

“Anya left you something to do” she had said before they made their farewells.

Clarke noted that there was a bit of sting in her tone. Whatever it was, the Commander was not fully convinced that it was a good idea. Clarke found what she meant when she saw black folders in her room. Luna and her team were checking the room for their routine sweep and Clarke was midway through the first folder when her computer beeped.

Right on time.

She asked for the security team to exit the room quickly and she answered the call from Raven.

Clarke surveyed her friend first. She had lost some weight but compared to her, it seems like Raven was actually getting more sleep. They had very little time to catch up as it was not the scheduled call and Raven was sure that the bomb team was starting to suspect something. It was a big enough suspicion that just yesterday, two of them went out of the compound. So far, Raven could still confirm that no data has leaked but she also confirmed that she was not alone in the woods anymore. A few hours ago a Termination Team was caught by her satellite setting up camp in the higher grounds around the compound.

“Four men” Raven said. “Anya said they would come around eventually. And she was right on where they would perch.”

According to Raven, there were no incidents just yet but if a single bit of information leaks, they would shoot without warning. They would kill every single Arkadian in that compound. They might not even spare the Polis guards which patrol the ground for Raven’s own security. This was a direct order from Lexa. She knows because she had tapped into their system already.

Clarke said she could not talk to Lexa just yet as she was out of Polis and they both know by now that all communications could be compromised. The suspects in Polis have all been handled but Roan had mentioned Titus specifically. And all Lexa could do to keep an eye on him was to bring him along foreign trips. His own people were still in the tower.

Raven pointed out that if Lexa wanted to be talked out of this, she would have brought it up to Clarke herself. If she wanted Clarke to take part of this at all, they would have discussed it already. There was a reason it was Anya who left the files in Clarke’s room. Besides, it was not Lexa who Clarke needed to convince.

It was the Chancellor.

Raven tapped into a call the Chancellor made to the team. It was harmless enough. She was merely asking for a report. But she did hint that they may be recalled soon. It was a security measure for the team and for Arkadia but that was what tipped Anya off. The initial flight order which the Chancellor had put on hold was for Arkadia.

Not Polis.

This was exactly the kind of covert operations which get people killed.

Clarke knew she should talk to her mother. But bringing it up to her without talking to Lexa first would be more disastrous. It would also put Raven in an impossible position. She would be caught between her loyalties to Arkadia and her relationship with Anya into question. It would also basically set off a series of events which will lead to those men getting killed. A scenario Lexa has clearly already thought about and has no problem with.

Raven thinks Clarke should talk to Abby right away.

Clarke asked for a few more days. Neither of them were in any position to make that kind of decision. Raven should stick to her job and to her protocol. If they were going to stop this potential breakdown of their alliance, they would have to be faithful to their agreements and to their rules.

“Why, why, Clarke Griffin, have you grown up” Raven noted with a hesitant but proud smile.

“We got ourselves into this mess” Clarke laughed. “We kinda have to suck it up.”

“Because you promised Lexa?”

“Because I gave my word not to be a pain”

Raven scoffed before noting that that seemed to be the theme lately. She hinted that she knows about the potential meet up with rebels. She does not approve but obviously she was the last person to talk Clarke out of it. She was in the middle of the wilderness, spying on a bunch of scientists handling a nuclear bomb.

“You’re right though” she conceded just before they ended their call. “You and I? We’re not major players. But at times when the world is spiralling into chaos spawned by deception, our word counts a lot.”

Our word counts a lot.

It brought Clarke’s spirits up in the next few days to know that someone still shared her belief. Octavia would spend every night she could with her and they would talk about Raven’s situation and Clarke would unload on her about her mother. Octavia talked little about her training but she never once sugar-coated the situation with the war.

People were dying on all sides. The fact that Indra would not be returning with Lexa after the summit and had already left specific instructions to Octavia should she not return at all was proof enough that she was making another trip to Trihaven.

Suspicions were as present as the air they breathe. Anya was supposed to make another trip to see Raven but Octavia overheard that Lexa would not let her out of her side. Not when she needed another pair of eyes on everything she has on her plate.

Small victories were on hand. Lincoln has not been back to Trikru Tower for over weeks now but his absence and his squad’s coincided with a major base raid up North. Polis was now in full control of a remote weapons base which turned out to be responsible for shooting down planes Lexa had sent out to Trihaven. More importantly, they now have confirmation of where the funding of the base came.

Azgeda.

On one morning, Clarke was making her way down to greet Arkadian soldiers who were wounded in a joint-operations, she ran into Roan’s medical team. She asked Luna what they were doing in the tower and she was told that Roan would be cleared to leave the hospital. He would be staying in the tower, pretty much still a prisoner but at least no longer holed up in some secret dungeon. That night, Octavia said there was no decision regarding Roan just yet. They were waiting for Lexa to return.

And for Ontari to make the trip back to Polis.

Because Azgeda was active now.

The more that Clarke kept track of the effects of war, the less time she had to think about calling her mother. She did once, and that was a no-go considering Abby wanted to talk about Jake and Clarke’s hostage drama back in the hospital. Clarke wanted to discuss Pike. There was no common point. It was almost a blessing that Octavia arrived with food in tow and Clarke had enough of an excuse to cut the conversation with her mother.

When Lexa called that night, she expressed her dismay that her girlfriend was still not on good terms with the Chancellor. Apparently, they already had extensive talks at the Summit and Lexa could see just how much the war with Azgeda, the war with rebels and the war with her daughter had taken a toll on Abby. Clarke said she misses her mother too. She was just not at a place where she could forgive her just yet.

But she was ready to talk about what Raven said.

Lexa asked her to wait. They will talk about it when she gets back. That was the extent of their political talk. Octavia left the room when Clarke started to coo into the phone and would not stop teasing her at every opportunity.

Clarke was never like that. Neither was Lexa. And Octavia was prepared for war but apparently not prepared to witness her best friend melt into a mush of cheesiness.

“I just love the way you smile when you talk to her” Octavia said seriously.

They were down at the Children’s Wing of the tower, helping treat some kids which were displaced by evacuations and quarantine of the poison they still did not know how to contain. Clarke was on the floor, with Kinna, a girl who had lost both parents to the raid outside Trihaven and two older brothers were already fighting overseas. Octavia had introduced her to Kinna because she was the one who had to carry her out of a burning house and comforting her with stories of the Chancellor’s daughter with a magic touch.

Kinna was utterly convinced that whenever Clarke dressed her wounds, it was magic.

She was too young to have already gone through this much and Clarke could not understand why when Octavia slipped and asked about the war, the girl’s answer was of utmost certainty.

“The Commander keeps us safe” Kinna said all-too fluently for a four year old. “She will save us.”

Clarke and Octavia shared a look. While Clarke’s was filled with overwhelming empathy, Kinna’s recitation of all that Lexa heroically sacrifices for her people, was all it took to make her blush with pride and her cheek swell into a huge grin.

“I’m just saying…” Octavia concluded when Clarke regarded her with a warning. “I don’t see a lot of light lately but girl, she makes you smile like the sun”

“Do you love the Commander, Clarke?” Kinna asked innocently.

Clarke placed a kiss on the girl’s now finished bandaged forearm.

“Yes” she said with a smile. “Yes, Kinna. I do love the Commander.”

Octavia was about to tease her best friend when one of the doctors popped her head in and asked if they could head out to the hospital to meet the medical team that Trikru Tower sent. Clarke said yes but was confused why they were being sent there when Luna came in carrying two bulletproof vests.

Roan would only transfer from the hospital to the tower if Clarke or Lexa was around. He did not trust anybody else and since the highest ranking officer in Trikru Tower had already gotten yelled at by Anya via Satellite call, they were all to heed Roan’s request.

Clarke noted that while she was busy fixing up children, Luna was busy fixing up the most complex security route any of them had been subjected to. Roan was still cuffed when they got to the hospital and his ankles were still chained. Clarke asked for those to be removed considering that the man was still confined to a wheelchair. She asked her questions about Azgeda and he answered but not in detail like he did in the hospital.

Roan was sure he was being watched by his mother’s spies. He just did not know who they were just yet.

“The Commander respects what you have provided her” Octavia assured Roan once they were alone in a secure room in the tower.

“If only she was around” Roan laughed, saying he never thought he would see the day that the Commander of Blood was making him feel safe.

Clarke shared the sentiment. She had not seen her girlfriend for a week and in that time, she had argued with her mother twice because Octavia made her call again, discussed an extraction plan Raven had drawn up for herself, read up on all she could about Raven’s reports on the bomb, gotten to know more orphans than she had in all her medical missions back in Arkadia and virtually escorted a political prisoner to a secure facility in the tower she now calls home.

In between phone calls and video chats with Lexa, she had already written two papers on wartime medicine and aide as well as an essay regarding children displacement due to non-compliance with articles of war. Her mother was all for publishing it which had led to their second argument.

If Clarke was to have her essay published, it would be in Arkadian media.

Abby wanted it published online to make it appear more neutral.

Clarke knew for a fact that Lexa has men operating outside the articles of war and she knew her mother does too. There was nothing neutral about it. It was a political ploy by an Arkadian politician which the rest of Polis would take as an attack against their beloved Commander.

Lexa promised they would discuss this too upon her return.

Whenever that was exactly.

Octavia, over lunch, said that she should not be complaining. At least Lexa was required to be back at home. She still had a government to run and not just a war to win. Lincoln was back for a day before being deployed to the Cold Mountains again.

Clarke was not sure there was much difference.

The night Lexa did get back, Clarke was already asleep by the time she arrived in the tower. She came by Clarke's room when she found her own empty, slipped into bed with her and fell right asleep. Some time at dawn, Clarke realized she was back and cuddled into her, feeling like she might finally get the sleep she has been craving for nights. That was until she realized that Lexa’s eyes were wide-awake and far away. Even her grip on her was both worried and absentminded.

In the dark, Clarke could see how disturbed her girl was. She pulled up a little, resting her back on her pillow and when Lexa turned to her confused, she tugged for her to come closer. Lexa obliged and rested her head on Clarke’s chest and hugged her with the kind of longing both of them tried to ignore in their brief separation. Clarke stroke Lexa’s hair in silence, knowing that whatever was on her mind, she would have already disclosed if she needed to talk about it.

Tonight, she needed to be held.

Clarke continued the soft massage on her girlfriend’s hair until she felt her finally surrender to sleep. She hugged her one last time before falling asleep herself.

It was the most peace she had since the morning Lexa left. And she wanted nothing more than to stay in that zone forever. Her, keeping the love of her life safe. Lexa, finally getting feeling secure enough to shut her eyes. The two of them, having much-needed time together away from the eyes and scrutiny of a reckless world.

She should have known when she first heard the pounding that they were not from some dream she was having.

Lexa was the one who woke up first to the knocks. Clarke grumbled that they barely just fell asleep while her girlfriend trudged towards the door. She sat up in bed, worried that it would be news about Trihaven or Lincoln. Octavia said he was caught up in a compromised location in the Cold Mountains. Or maybe, worse, it could be news of Arkadia. Lexa demanded what was wrong and that she had ordered not to be disturbed unless they were being attacked or that her top generals were either captured or killed.

Clarke practically heard Lexa scoff when she was told that the call was not for the Commander.

It turns out one of the children Clarke had been working with was running a fever and was growing restless and throwing tantrums. So much so that the evening shift staff could not even give her doses of medicine. Clarke asked who it was exactly and at the mention of Kinna’s name, she hurriedly put on a hoodie and the first pair of pants she could find before kissing her girlfriend good night, urging her to go back to sleep.

"You look good in my fatigues!" Lexa called after her.

Clarke knew there was more than a likely possibility that Lexa would not go back to sleep but she will have to deal with that later. She went down the children's medical wing and sure enough, Kinna would only listen to her. She offered to spend the night with her and tell her stories of Arkadia but she has to allow the doctors and nurses to give her her medicine. When that was done, the nurses offered to escort her to the door, fully believing that that was a ruse to get the girl to go back to sleep.

It wasn't.

Clarke climbed into the toddler sized bed and cradled her, humming in between story-telling. She felt the fever go down when she broke a sweat almost an hour later. Kinna slowly leaned into her for a tighter hug and she was more than willing to oblige. Clarke fell asleep shortly after that, never realizing that Lexa was watching from outside but decided to let her sleep instead.

The tension in Lexa’s offices when Clarke finally made her way up was enough to tell her that maybe their talk would be put on hold again. She with Luna inside Lexa’s private room, waiting for her to finish a briefing in the War Room when her phone rang and it was Raven. That was the first time Raven ever called her phone and without so much an alert to get a secure connection.

“I need this call secured” Clarke hurriedly told Luna.

Luna stood up quickly and handed her a satellite phone, along with instructions on how to filter the call. Clarke asked why Luna could not do it herself and she admitted that she was under strict orders never to check Clarke’s phone.

Clarke remembered how confidential Raven’s location was and felt at ease that Lexa was not kidding about keeping them all safe. She answered and phone and listened to about 20 seconds of Raven detailing that the team was getting ready to vacate the premises. A new team would be replacing them. The Chancellor just signed the order, sent it and Lexa should be getting a call from Abby soon.

Raven also said that Abby might have told Kane about her location. Maybe even Pike. She was going to stay, she was not abandoning her post but it might be time to re-evaluate this plan. Before people get killed.

Clarke had just ended the call when Lexa came in.

“We need to talk” she said quietly as Luna stepped out.

“I have to leave”

“What?”

“I have to meet Lincoln.”

“Is he okay?”

Lexa nodded.

“He has an entire shipment of weapons with him”

“So you have to pick him up?” Clarke frowned. “Octavia said he was compromised.”

“His team suffered a casualty. It is customary for the Commander to fetch the body of a fallen Special Forces soldier”

Clarke closed her eyes. She reads about the death count every morning but it was always harder when she is reminded that it could be someone she loved next. She could not even imagine how the soldier’s family would feel like. She asked who it was, knowing that some of the kids she had grown close to had brothers serving under Lincoln. Lexa assured her it the soldier had no siblings under the tower’s care.

“But I do need to go” she said, holding onto Clarke’s hands. “The situation with Raven – I will pull her out within the next 72 to 84 hours if the arrangements prove altered.”

“Altered?”

“Clarke, I cannot talk about it but as promised, Raven will be unharmed.”

“Do you have a kill order for the Arkadian team?”

Lexa slowly released Clarke’s hand and started combing through her desk for fresh batteries for her communication gear. Clarke pulled out a box from the cabinet and held them out for her, asking the question again.

“Yes”

“Lexa” Clarke protested.

“You know why I have to do it!”

“Lexa, you have a team there. Take them into custody. Have them questioned!”

“I cannot risk it, Clarke. You know the minute they step into Polis, they could already be armed with enough information to take my entire nation down”

“Killing them will not solve anything”

“It would certainly stop their treachery”

Clarke blocked the door, preventing Lexa from leaving.

“What if the order came from my mother?”

“Because it did not?” Lexa mused. “We both know what your mother is doing and we both know her concerns. We had talked about it and I already suspected as much. She understands my position and I understand hers. She will do what she needs to do and so will I. Try not to get in the middle of it.”

“I am in the middle of it!”

“What would you have me do then, love?” Lexa challenged her. “I will not let those people walk out of there.”

“Let me talk to my mom”

“Finally ready to make peace?”

Clarke frowned.

“Unless it is to have a truce with your mother, you are staying out of it”

Clarke waited all of 3 hours before she called Abby. Only she did not make it far enough in the conversation to lay out her agenda because they both got sucked into reminiscing days when her father was alive and before long, those memories turned into the bitter reminder of how he died. They were in the middle of discussing a family trip with some of their closest friends when Clarke realized that everyone on that trip was not serving in her mother’s council and cabinet. And all of them could have had a hand in her father’s death.

She ended the call abruptly.

It was surprising that war time was a condition which lent itself to a routine. Her mornings were spent with the children, her afternoons studying and her evenings were either doing “official” work with Arkadian soldiers, catch up time with Octavia or the two of them calling Raven out of the blue for a three minute girl chat, with the reality of what they were facing being tabled for the official report.

Lexa called in every night or even whenever she could get a secure line. And they have yet to have one conversation where Clarke did not bring up talking to her mother. It always ended the same way – Clarke begging and her girlfriend reminding her that she was not in a position to make these decisions.

Which was why the night before Lexa’s scheduled return was a break from routine.

“What?” Clarke said to the phone, throwing a pillow at Octavia who was studying Indra’s notes on Clarke’s couch and started making obnoxious kissing sounds at her. “You’re okay with me calling my mom?”

“Tomorrow” Lexa said, her voice heavy with weariness. “Schedule a call around the time I get in. If you are still up to it.”

“What changed?”

Clarke could hear hesitation from the other end.

“Black folders” Lexa said with a shrug. “And… I talked to Raven shortly after I left Polis. I agree with her. It would be best if she stayed put”

Clarke knew there was more to it than that but as soon as she said good night to her girlfriend, she told Octavia that she has permission from the Commander to make the call.

Octavia set up the call the following day but they had to wait for Lexa to arrive. They were both sitting in Clarke’s room after another draining day looking after newly-arrived children from conflict areas when Indra came in and pulled her out. Clarke wanted to ask how Indra was but it would have been a useless question.

Nobody was okay.

“Luna?” Clarke said, popping her head out of her door. “The Commander already landed. Can we please just start the call up now?”

Luna checked the balcony for a second time while Clarke waited for the indication that the video call with her mother was already in a secure network. When Abby’s face popped up, Clarke pressed her finger against her lip, telling her not to say anything just yet. Her mother nodded. She looked tired and since it was past midnight in Polis, Clarke figured her mom probably had called it a day in Arkadia. She was without make-up and from the dark circles in under her eyes, probably without days of sleep.

“Room is clear” Luna said, closing the balcony doors behind her.

She left the room and Clarke spent another minute until her screen blinked green confirming the connection to be safe from online spies. She greeted her mom and asked how everything was back in Arkadia. Abby gave a few bullet points of news Clarke has already read, or was already told by either Octavia or Raven.

When her mom finished and threw the question back at her, she shrugged. She did not want to say she was happy, even if that was still the overwhelmingly feeling radiating inside her. That prompted questions she knew how to answer but did not want to give her mother. She did not want to say she was tired because it would be the height of insensitivity considering that her mom did not look like she had any sleep in her. She did not want to say she was worried about the war because if she had to say it, then she was not worried enough.

She, most of all, avoided saying that she was still angry about her father’s death. That would just be counterproductive and a waste of a call.

“I’m fine” Clarke finally said. “How was your Summit?”

“Interesting. Have you not talked to Lexa about it?”

Clarke shook her head. Lexa was back for less than a day after the summit before having to leave again. Abby started recounting what had happened and how it would have been a failure on the first day if Lexa did not manage some sort of magic to regain her footing among the allied countries. She was starting to express just how different the Commander seemed when Clarke heard scrambling outside her door.

She pulled her drawer open and placed a hand on the gun that Octavia has left there. She allowed her mom to talk and allowed herself a smile when Abby said that as ruthless as Lexa’s policies and strategies still are, at least she managed to go through an entire meeting without threatening to shoot somebody in the head.

“I wanted to mention that it might be because she does live with my daughter now” Abby continued, unaware that Clarke’s attention was already at the voices talking outside her door.

“Mom? Hang on for a second” Clarke said, pressing her finger on her lips again.

The doorknob turned and Lexa stepped in, ruffled from her travels and bearing an exhausted grin. Clarke automatically felt the muscle on her face ache as she could not help but smile back. Lexa winked at her but did not approach. She chose to lean on the wall, cross her arms in front of her and expected her girlfriend to continue talking.

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her, knowing very well that Lexa was fine sitting in on the call and never saying a word about it. But since Lexa turned grave as she waited for the conversation to pick up again, it was enough for Clarke to understand that her girlfriend was not there to make sure she patches things up with her mother. Lexa did not even look like she had decided on how to feel about Clarke asserting her influence over her mother regarding important policies.

“Is she there?” Abby asked.

“Yeah” Clarke nodded, still unable to keep the smile off her face. She sighed when Lexa’s lips twitch at the tension that slowly seeped into the room. “Yeah, mom. She just got in.”

“In your room? Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? I haven't seen her for like a week.”

Lexa closed her eyes as though she was in pain at that response.

Clarke gave her an “oh, please” look. Lexa chuckled silently and held up five fingers indicating that she had only been gone for five days. Clarke smirked at her before turning back to her mother. When she met her mom’s disapproving glare, she gave her the same “oh, please” look too.

“Clarke.”

“Mom.”

“You're threading very dangerous lines” Abby chose her words. “Treacherous lines at a rather perilous time in the world.”

“Mom, we’ve been threading lines since we first met. Don’t you think it’s high time we cross some of them?”

Clarke could see that from just above her line of sight, Lexa was shifting her weight from foot to foot. She was not at all comfortable with the way Clarke was handling this conversation.

“Clarke, is there something I should know?”

“Is there something you still don't know?”

Lexa subtly cleared her throat and Clarke stared up at her asking why. She nodded on the bed and Clarke felt her cheeks blush, before flashing her a warning glare.

“Clarke-- they don't take lightly to attachments” Abby continued to caution in a desperation Clarke has not heard from her before. “You know they will see you as a threat.”

“To what, mom? I'm not the one who has the capacity to make a nuclear weapon.”

Clarke sat up straight, ready to pounce in case her mother would bite first.

“Don't start with me” Abby admonished. “Did you really just call so we can fight again?”

“No” Clarke conceded. “Not tonight. I am ready to talk Arkadian politics, not family issues.”

“You realize that if you are waiting for an apology, you might not get it, right? I do not regret keeping you as safe and as unscathed from this life for as long as I can.”

“I didn't call for an apology and I kept myself unscathed for as long as I can but thanks” Clarke cleared. She could tell her suddenly very silent and very still girlfriend was starting to grow impatient with the fact that she came more armed with attitude than with an actual plan to bargain with the Chancellor.

She sighed and muttered her sorry to her mother before completely getting her mind focused on the issue at hand.

“Have you talked to Raven?”

“Yes.”

“Did you recall the team you sent?”

“Yes. Is that what this is about?”

Clarke nodded.

“When are they leaving, mom?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Mom? I need you to ask them to stay.”

“Why would I do that?”

Clarke stared up at Lexa who returned the gaze with the same question in her eyes.

“Lexa is in agreement with Raven's theories” Clarke explained.

“It's not up to her” Abby declared a soft voice but Clarke knew the tone all too well. It was as authoritative as when she first heard when she was grounded as a child.

“If our people are relaying information to Azgedan-funded terrorists, Clarke, I cannot just sit still until it is too late. Not when Raven is too close to where they are. What will happen when they find out they're being watched? Do you want to wait until they have passed on the information that could annihilate us all?”

“No, I want to know who they are for sure” Clarke replied, raising her voice. “And your heightened dramatics, mother, make me question whether you have been spending way too much time talking with Lexa.”

Clarke heard Lexa scoff and she stole a quick to see her making her a sardonic face at her.

“I just want proof, mom” Clarke said, ignoring her girlfriend. “I want to fix the root. So does Lexa. But she cannot order them to stay put. Not when they don't know they're being watched. And not when all eyes – friend and foe - are on her.”

“We don’t know how they will move the data, Clarke. We cannot wait then react when we know it will be too late by then.”

“Mom, if they leave that base, there is a probability they will be shot the minute they step out of the shelter.”

Clarke exhaled deeply. She had promised to herself that she would not resort to this point. She could see in her mother’s eyes the exact same realization she was coming to – for a couple of seconds, she sounded exactly like Lexa.

Lexa stood frozen, slightly surprised that Clarke even brought that up. Clarke tried avoiding her eyes but it was a difficult feat, considering she was already avoiding her mother’s.

“Breathe” Lexa mouthed at her.

Clarke nodded and resolved to face the consequences of her unplanned disclosure. She met her mother’s eyes once more and pleaded to reverse the order. It was for their own good. The team’s and Arkadia’s.

“Did she tell you this?” Abby asked in a poorly controlled horrified whisper.

“It doesn’t matter” Clarke insisted. “We have an agreement with Polis. If they leave and they have information that they pass on to whoever they serve, that is on us. The Commander of Blood will have reason to shoot your team, our people, for breach of that.”

“Commander or your girlfriend?”

Clarke groaned at the screen, knowing fully well that Lexa was watching her carefully and that as much as she liked to believe she could lie perfectly to her mother, there were things she could never hide.

“Mom, you know I’m right!” she bemoaned. “She might not say it just yet but you know she will give the order.”

“So she sent you?”

“So I begged her to let me talk to you.”

“Is she filtering your calls?”

“No! She's quite a nagger when it comes to me making things right with you. I keep telling her I'm not the one who may have leaked information that led to my father's death and kept my daughter in the dark, maybe slowly sinking into depression as she blamed herself.”

“Clarke. If you want to talk about your dad’s death--”

“No, I do not want to talk about his death but when you keep veering off point, I keep remembering exactly how pissed I am” Clarke spat before taking a breath. She knew that she was already off-script and probably had fractured her relationship with her mother to the point of irreparable.

She closed her eyes to regain her composure and breathed evenly.

“I begged her to let me talk business. Politics” she said calmly when Abby had relaxed on the other side too. “Apparently, she thinks I don't have the official capacity to negotiate.”

“She is right.”

“No one else has your ear. I already talked to Kane. I asked.”

“Kane doesn't know about the location.”

“But you sought out his advice, didn't you? About me here, about the bomb and about the possible threat? He told you to act on available intel.”

“I am acting on available intel, daughter. The order has been given and I know it is the best one.”

“Mom--”

“Clarke. Trust me on this” Abby urged. “This is our people's fate. I have weighed all that I need to weigh.”

“Except the margin of error.”

“And--”

Clarke held up her finger to stop her mom from finishing the sentence. Lexa answered the knock on the door and Clarke saw Lincoln, Octavia and Anya all trying to cramp in. Judging from the vicious whispers, the three of them were not in agreement about whatever they brought to Lexa’s attention.

Lexa gave a nod at Anya then slowly slipped out the room.

“Hang on, mom” Clarke muttered. “Hey?”

Lexa turned a forced smile at her. It was meant to reassure her that nothing was wrong but Clarke knew every single smile Lexa has ever put on and this was about as tensed and fake as the last time she was in her office and a foreign delegate overstepped his welcome.

“I will see you later” Lexa mimed before closing the door behind her.

“Clarke, this is dangerous” Abby warned again.

“War? Yes, I have noticed”

“Don’t joke about this, Clarke. I want you to come home.”

“Why? Is there no war in Arkadia anymore?”

“It’s more contained and at least I know who I’m dealing with”

Clarke held back a scoff. She knew what her mom was

“You have towns burning every week. And war affects everyone, mom. It won’t matter where I am, the war will spread. Besides… I am not safer there than I am here. At least here, we know for sure Trikru Tower is impenetrable.”

“And the incident in the hospital?” Abby challenged. “Do you have any idea the kind of torture that was to a mother half a world away? Come home.”

“Well, that was – that was-- outside the tower” Clarke stumbled. “I’m sorry, mom. That was not Lexa’s fault. And even if Arkadia was safer, I told those rebels, I would listen to them”

“I remember. You told me.”

Clarke heard the pain in her mother’s voice. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to run to her and give her a hug. She wanted to take away all her worries and do everything she could to fix what her mother can no longer handle. She wanted to tell her mom that it hurt her to be away from her too.

“I’m sorry” she repeated, knowing that a part of her really was sorry.

It was just that no part of her regretted anything that has happened nor any decision she had made. She, too, was acting for her people. She, too, was acting to help lighten her mother’s load. She still believed what she had promised that day would help end this war or at the very least, lessen the casualties. She still believed she did only what was right.

What was just.

And no matter what anyone else would say, she knew what she chose to promise was a smart move.

She cannot regret that. Not when that was her small contribution in keeping the peace.

Not when it could help alter Lexa’s fate.

She was sorry she hurt her mom. As much as she was still angry, no one deserved a daughter as problematic as she was right now.

“They will contact me, mom” Clarke said quietly, pushing back her tears. “And I want to be here. I want to keep my word.”

“I did not realize Polis negotiates with terrorists. That is what they are, Clarke. They do not have a cause other than to propagate hate and widespread fear”

“They don’t. Believe me, they don’t negotiate much around here” Clarke said with a dry smile. “But, I do. How can we know they do not have a cause if we have never tried to listen to them? He spared my life with the promise that I would listen to what he has to say. If I turn my back on that, I would be as dishonourable as the men who had my father killed.”

“Clarke-”

“That was not a swipe. And that was not what I was aiming at. You weren’t what I was aiming at. Look, I only called to ask that you hold off on recalling the team you sent. Until Raven calls in.”

“Calls in for what?”

“She already has everything we need except for positive identification. Anya told Lexa she is scheduled to call in the next six hours. At least wait until then and if we have positive identification then talk it out with Lexa or Kane or Indra. I don’t know with whom but considering I’m the one in living in Polis, maybe you should hear me out on this one.”

Abby stared at the screen and her hesitation was all that Clarke needed to keep pushing.

“Raven can do this.”

“I know Raven can do this. I just don’t—I want her to come home.”

Clarke noticed the brief moment her mother tried to avoid her eyes, only to meet them again with so much hesitation, she might as well have closed them.  

“You mean to come back. To Polis.”

It was an out. She was giving her mother an out and she wanted nothing more than for her mother to come clean and decide to change her mind.

“I want her to come home to Arkadia.”

Clarke did not mask her disappointment and outrage when she shot her mother with a look of disgust and ridicule. The fact that her mother had the nerve to lecture her about what could get her possibly murdered in Polis when she is basically planning a coup was the height of hypocrisy for Clarke. She finds the ways of Polis unbelievably archaic but it only ever takes one politician to remind her that the new way of treading international waters are about as cutthroat as the literally act.

And her mother, while not as big a personality as her father was, should never be counted out as power player.

“She is still technically on like…her sentence” Clarke reminded through gritted teeth. “You do want to break the terms of your deal with Polis.”

“No” Abby denied in the same heart-breaking tone that made Clarke want to comfort her earlier. “No, of course not. I have a personal relationship with the Commander and I have grown to respect her. But a lot of things do not add up. I do not want secrets anymore. I do not want to be used in a war we do not have to take part in.”

Clarke knew her mother too well to know that what was just said probably came out of a press release. It was a line. It was provided for by the Council and it was something Abby probably have rehearsed all too many times in order for her to believe it herself. Because while she may be a power player, Clarke knows her mother has honor.

It was her honor which led her to the fatal judgment that resulted in Jake’s death.

Clarke could hear her mom still talking in the background, profusely explaining, point by point why Raven should go back to Arkadia and not to Polis. She could hear the key words that make a compelling argument but they still sounded so hollow that instead of listening for cues of lies, she focused on something that was out of Abby’s control.

Polis.

Polis must have done something to evoke a response from the Chancellor. And it should be big enough for her to fear betrayal so much that she would rather commit it first.

“They pulled back, didn’t they?” Clarke cut her mom off. It was so simple, so basic and so obvious that she should not have had to think about it that long. “The armies. Lexa’s moving their troops, isn’t she?”

“Yes. I received confirmation yesterday. She is leaving a battalion in the capital and that is it. The rest are going up the Cold Mountain borders. That was not the deal. We have kept our end and have even gone beyond. Should Azgeda turn its eyes on us, we are left exposed. ”

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek and nodded slowly.

“You’re not surprised” Abby noted.

“I encouraged it” Clarke quietly divulged.

“What?”

Clarke took a sharp deep breath, deciding against re-thinking her position. What she had told Lexa the first time she asked and when they last discussed it was still what she believes to be right. She only just realized now that part of her had always believed Lexa would not actually do it.

“I encouraged her to move her soldiers. Like, weeks ago.”

“Why would you do that?” Abby exclaimed, disheartened.

“They’re her soldiers, mom. They fight for her. They cannot continue to serve a foreign nation that distrusts them. Even worse, that looks down on them. ”

“We treat them with respect!”

“We’re scared of the Commander!” Clarke roared the most basic truth she has learned in her entire time being a grand spectator of Arkadian-Polis relations. “We treat them the way we do because we fear them. And if we will plunge into war, we cannot have that kind of fear amongst our ranks. Besides, if we cannot survive without the bulk of Lexa’s men, that should be on us. We’ve certainly invested in our soldiers’ training. It’s time we trust it. And it’s time they respect us”

“You sound like Kane. And your father” Abby said in solemn surprise after they both fell quiet.

“If I have learned anything in my stay here in, it’s that they know their warfare. And their loyalty to Lexa is unmatched. They may not like that they are being led by a young woman who apparently has a heart but they do fight for her. And she fights for them. Arkadia can learn a thing or two in that.”

Abby stayed quiet. She met the cold fire that burn in the daughter’s eyes. She could not deny that she was right. She had allowed Clarke, her only daughter, her only family and the only piece of her late husband left with her, to travel across the continent and be kept hidden in a foreign country known for its impeccable warfare record.

She had sent Clarke away because she knew that politics in Arkadia runs deep within the shadows and even the Chancellor, when thrust upon a light that the people do not approve of, would not be spared by the toxic of a people’s wrath. Or at the very least, of world leader who act in manners and good faith but operate on intentions so greedy in view that the pursuits are always of unreasonable paranoia and ruthless survival.

“I will talk to Raven and to Kane. But do not get your hopes up.”

Clarke smiled. It was a long shot. She knew that her mother would have to overturn a lot of decisions and would have to out-debate majority of her council. The Chancellor does not have Lexa’s supreme power and her word is not always law. Not right away. But the fact that Abby agreed to talk it out with Kane was already a victory.

“Thank you, mom.”

“Are you okay, Clarke?”

“I’m happy if that’s what you are asking.”

“You are treated well”

“Very well.”

Clarke’s smile warmed from victory to affection.

Abby almost smiled along with her. It was a sight so rare since her father’s death that her mother was at a point of believing that she will never get to see it again. It had become increasingly apparent that Clarke’s stay in Polis was no longer an assignment or a protective cover. If anyone else had seen that smile, they would know that somehow, Arkadia’s brightest star, the daughter a nation have raised to such height and standard, fit in Polis more than she ever felt at home in her own country.

“Do you trust her?” Abby asked quietly an edited question she could bring herself to phrase.

“Yes.”

“And Polis?”

“No.”

Abby wrapped her mind at how difficult this situation was. Clarke could see from the screen that her mom was doing all that she could to accept this new reality. It bordered on impossibility, given their current situation, but she could see that her mom indeed has a personal relationship with Lexa. And the respect is there or at least Abby was doing her damnedest to remind herself of the side of the Commander she had once been allowed to see.

Perhaps that makes all the difference.

“But you will stay.”

“Yes, mom.”

“This is a choice.”

“Yes.”

“Clarke, do you know who you’re getting in bed with?”

Clarke blinked at her mother. It took her a minute to process that what Abby said was a metaphor. Although, at this point, anyone who thinks she was not literally sharing beds with the Commander was about as dull as humans can get.

She nodded and said that her mother ought to know by now that there was no fighting what one feels to be true. And how she feels for Lexa rings of truth with every beat of heart.

“But there is always a choice on whether you act on it or not.”

Clarke nodded again, remembering what Anya had told her before.

Maybe fate has it written somewhere that she and Lexa were meant to fall in-love. Maybe that was just how it should be. But Clarke did have a choice on whether to fight it or not. She still has the choice to stay or leave. The same way that Lexa would still remind her that she has a choice to leave this life while it has not truly consumed her.

But that was it.

Clarke wants this life.

She chose this life, she chose Lexa and she was not going anywhere without her.

“I’m staying, mom. There is nothing that could make me decide otherwise.”

“Then allow me to send you a squad.”

“I have a squad” Clarke frowned. “I have _the_ squad. And I have Octavia. You would be so proud of her if you can see her now. She was born for this. And you she is so good and strong.”

Abby smiled. Octavia was as much her child as Clarke is. And this reminder that what such a young woman was training to be and was already experiencing made this conversation that much harder and that much more necessary. She said that she was already proud of Octavia.

“Perhaps her brother could appreciate her then” she added.

“You’re sending Bellamy?”

“Yes. And a group of his selected soldiers. They will accompany the men that Indra has agreed to train. Maybe they can learn a thing or two as well.”

“What men that Indra has agreed to train?”

Abby pursed her lips and Clarke’s smile faded into a look of suspicion. She repeated her question with a little more urgency. Abby was about to answer when there was a quick knock on the door and Lexa came in without waiting for Clarke to reply. She was breathless like she ran all the way from the War Room to Clarke’s room. Her eyes, stormy with intrigue and frustration that she was outwitted with something.

Usually, it makes Clarke weak in the knees because it was an attractive look on her girlfriend. Tonight, however, it was clear that there was nothing playful about how Lexa was.

Lexa gave her a soft questioning look and Clarke realized that whatever had pulled her out earlier must have had involved a phone call from Arkadia.

From Kane. Which would also explain why Abby could not even mention his name.

“Mother. Were you stalling me?”

“This treaty is a give and take. It cannot be one way. When they pulled out, we arranged for more soldiers to train there. I want Bellamy to be your personal guard.”

Lexa snorted so hard like that was the most ridiculous joke in the planet.

“Luna and Octavia are doing a pretty damn good job, mom” Clarke said, waving for Lexa to stand still, as her pacing was already throwing her off her short fuse.

“I have also agreed to fund the research the poison used in Trihaven.”

Of course.

Lexa was not mad that Abby would send a group of men the Commander does not trust. She was mad because she could not do anything about it. There was already a bargain and it was one she could not refuse.

“I ask for very little in return” Abby said a little loudly for both Clarke and Lexa to return.

“They are keeping your daughter safe in return!”

“Safe? That’s debatable.”

Clarke roared inwardly while holding up a hand to stop Lexa from interjecting in the conversation.

“I need Bellamy in Arkadia, mom.”

“To keep an eye on me, dear?” Abby mused with a smirk.

Clarke could not find a retort.

“I know you have your friends spying on me and the Mansion, Clarke. Nobody is surprised. And thank you but my priority now is keeping you safe and looking after the citizens of Arkadia. And to that, no matter how worldly you have grown, you do not have authority over me. Tell your Commander that.”

Clarke muttered with annoyance that this was something Lexa would not object about.

“Bellamy can stay but I’ll sooner jump off this tower than to have him following me around.”

“He can make arrangements with Luna and Octavia on where he might find his place”

“This is assuming he finds the right door” Lexa grumbled under her breath.

Clarke eyed Lexa with a look that she was not being very helpful at the moment. Lexa shrugged off the warning. Clarke asked her wordlessly on what could she possibly tell her mother now. Again, her girlfriend just shrugged.

The decision was Clarke’s. Whether they liked it or not, this was happening as are thousands of things in the world are happening. She slowly nodded, smiling bitterly to herself because it is clear that when she vowed she was ready for this life, she had not accounted just how far Abby would meddle in it.

“I love you, Clarke. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I’ll try. I love you too. Be safe.”

Clarke ended the call and snapped the laptop shut. She walked over to where Lexa was already sitting on an armchair, mind already miles away as she gazed into open space. Clarke snaked her arms from behind Lexa and over her shoulders, running her hands gently down Lexa’s arms.

“What are you thinking?” she asked, kissing the top of Lexa’s head.

“Maybe your people being here is not a bad thing.”

Clarke stood up straight and stepped around the couch with a questioning look to face Lexa.

Lexa pulled her down to her lap for a soft hug.

“If it will show unity, then it will show strength” she whispered, cradling Clarke on her lap and resting her head on her shoulder. “And power.”

Clarke put an arm around Lexa’s shoulder and massaged the back of her neck. She can tell her mind was elsewhere. This upcoming situation was not an easy sell to the Commander but there would also be new factors in their relationship. These were sacrifices she had to make on behalf of Polis.

And to keep Clarke close.

“But you don’t like it” Clarke said.

Lexa smiled at her like it was a ridiculous notion.

“I do not have to like it, love. I just have to live with it.”

Clarke reminded herself that this must not have been the first time Lexa had to live with something she did not like or agree with. There are things the Commander had to live with because she made an oath to her people and to the power that came with her birth right. There are hard truths she has had to live with because she was in an alliance with a country whose fundamental principles oppose her own nation’s tradition and culture.

There are intrusions she must deal with because she pledged to keep the Chancellor’s daughter alive. And there are realities she must now learn to live with because she had chosen to love. She has promised to love her for as long as she breathes.

For every commitment made, there came a compromise.

And Clarke knew that if everything was on the table, their relationship was the one thing Lexa would not compromise.

“I love you, you know” Clarke whispered, kissing Lexa like it was her own promise being renewed. She felt her eyes grow misty, realizing only then how much she missed her.

For all that has gone right, gone wrong and gone away, she wished with every kiss that her craving for this woman would never cease. She cannot imagine not missing her. She cannot even remember how it was to wake up and not have anyone to wait for.

She would wait.

Clarke knew, as they pulled away and as Lexa stopped a solitary tear from her cheek, that she would wait every day, every lifetime…every forever for her. And that was the one vow which would not come with a compromise.

“I really do love you” she repeated, pulling Lexa up.

“I said that first” Lexa chuckled, willingly allowing her girlfriend to lead her upstairs.

Lexa had to leave for an emergency call in the War Room just as they both settled in to sleep. When she came back, she paused by the door and said that she enjoyed this view. Her girlfriend in the room, waiting up for her. Clarke blushed, forgetting momentarily to ask what was wrong. Lexa kept pressing the issue of having separate rooms until Clarke had to shut her up with her lips.

“You complain, babe” Clarke’s husky voice was ingrained with desperate yearning. “But you technically have not asked me to move in.”

Lexa groaned into the kiss, pulling herself to hover over her girlfriend’s body.

Clarke had to pause and breathe. The physical longing for Lexa was enough of a force to keep her preoccupied. She never realized how it was to miss someone’s touch as much until they have both found peace with the basic truth that they were each other’s to be held. But as Lexa reacquainted herself with Clarke’s jaw, neck and slowly move down her body, Clarke realized it was the safety that she really missed.

She had told her mom she had the Special Forces’ dream squad guarding her.

But the truth was only Lexa could make her feel as secure as she does. And only in Lexa’s arms will she ever fully crumble without any pretense of needing to protect herself. With her, she was whole and even her broken, tired and lost pieces are complete.

Lexa looked up from between Clarke’s legs, curious as to why she suddenly seemed disengaged.

“I missed you” Clarke breathed.

Lexa smirked darkly, the shadows in her eyes dancing with a resolution of her own desires, before kissing Clarke’s thighs painfully slow.

Clarke knew the guards outside could hear her come. She did not care. Tonight, more than any other night, she chose to give herself to Lexa more wholly. If that were at all possible. There was barely anything left of her to give but even the scraps, the pieces of her soul sojourning in lost memories, the fragments wilting in the corners of doubt and despair…all of her was Lexa’s tonight.

The next morning, Clarke clung onto Lexa’s still naked body in bed. The knock came in too early and she knew that it was probably a call from Arkadia or from Raven. Lexa smiled at her and whispered it’s probably Anya. They did not get out of bed and instead, Anya had to contain her discomfort at seeing the both of them buried in sheets, with traces of last night littered all over the room.

Raven had called in and she was sending them data she managed to intercept from the bomb team. They were being sent to three addresses. The good news was she has the coordinates to all three. The bad news is that she only intercepted two and the third one was already sent to Polis. The confirmation of the traitor in her ranks was enough for Lexa to get herself out of bed angrily.

If Clarke was not too terrified of what this could mean, she would have found it amused to see Lexa parading in the bedroom in nothing but a towel while giving out orders on who to apprehend. She finally pitied both her and Anya who still stood in attention, trying not to close her eyes as the Commander pulled out clothes to wear. Clarke wrapped herself in sheets yet again and laid out Lexa’s usual uniform after directing her girlfriend into the bathroom.

Anya excused herself and Clarke blushed as she was made to promise that Lexa should be down to the War Room in the earliest possible convenience. She promised she would not keep the Commander from her duties and when Lexa emerged ten minutes later, dressed and ready, Clarke kissed her a quick good morning.

“Why are you heading down?” Lexa asked her as they rode the elevator down. “Most of your things are already in my room”

“I prefer to work in my room” Clarke replied coyly.

“Move in” Lexa said in the smallest voice Clarke has ever heard her use.

“I’ll miss you more when you’re away” Clarke lied.

Lexa dismissed the thought and made no mention of it the entire day.

In Clarke’s mind, however, it lingered a little too frequently that she would have liked. She sat in her room, typing another article, this time she would have to show it to Lexa. It was a declaration of her support for Polis in this war. It was already out in the press that she was staying in Polis and a number of media groups have managed to acquire her e-mail address. They sent their inquiries as to where the daughter of the Chancellor stood in this moment of history.

Clarke knew where she stood but as she wrapped up her piece, she was not sure if the rest of the world was ready to know as well. Luna came in the room later that afternoon and asked if she was willing to head out. Apparently, Lexa was seeing off troops in the main Air Force Base. An entire fleet of fighter jets to aid the ongoing fighting in the ground just outside of Arkadia. Soldiers from both Polis and Arkadia had already died and it was the first conflict where uniformed Azgedan men were spotted.

It was a no-brainer.

Clarke dressed in her best pantsuits – black with a blue dress shirt to match Lexa’s - and wore her mother’s pin by her lapel. When she met Lexa at the tower’s main entrance, the shock on her face was masked only by silent approval. Perhaps, she would not need to put out a statement at all. She stood by the Commander of Blood’s side as she made a final salute to a fleet she was not sure would comeback in the same condition they had left.

Clarke could already see the headlines in Arkadia and even in the local news. For sure, it would not take long for the international press to ask for her statement as well. The media presence was still nothing compared to that from Arkadia but she noticed a little more flashing bulbs as she boarded Lexa’s Hummer.

“People can see” she teased her girlfriend as they were driven out of the airport.

Lexa smiled darkly but did not say anything.

Clarke received a call from her mother that night. She did not explain herself and in the duration of the call, Abby did not ask for it. She only told her that Raven was staying put and that she had already talked to Lexa that morning. No one was going anywhere for the next 24 hours. Clarke bid her mother to be careful after the Chancellor refused to expound on what was going to happen in that time span.

The following day, Clarke made her way from the Children’s Wing to Lexa’s office for a quick brunch date. Her question as to what was going on that had her mother on the edge was answered when she was led into the main conference room.

The generals were all mostly there, give or take a few who were already deep in the main battlegrounds. Ontari was by the door, still fully dressed in travelling uniform. She eyed her once more, just like when they first encountered each other in the locker rooms. Clarke heard Lexa dismiss the rest of the generals and Ontari moved to the other end of the long table.

Clarke caught the look on Anya’s face as she eyed Ontari across of her.

“Clarke”

Indra’s voice startled her. She never realized how quiet the room had gone. She watched as Indra led in Octavia and Luna inside before shutting the door shut.

“Next time, do not get into a room without either of them” she warned.

“What is going on?” Clarke asked Indra, her eyes darting from Octavia who took her post just behind her superior and Luna who kept her usual distance from her. She spun and surveyed Lexa in furious whispers as she refereed whatever argument had erupted between Anya and Ontari. “What is it? What happened?”

Lexa took her seat and the generals followed suit. Clarke took the seat next to Ontari and repeated her question.

“We have proof” Anya said when Lexa found herself unable to speak. “Who their inside man in Arkadia is. How well do you know Secretary Pike?”

Clarke felt the sense of distant dread finally catching up to her and turning her insides into a furious molten ash.

“It’s really him? Like Roan said?”

Lexa nodded, her eyes unreadable as she tried to read the expression on Lexa’s face.

“We traced the accounts.”

“Is this enough for you to revoke orders against Roan’s imprisonment?”

In hindsight, it was probably the wrong question to ask because Lexa’s eyes narrowed acidly at her.

“The Prince will remain a prisoner until further assessment” Anya said.

“The Prince is an ally” Ontari noted.

“That’s not for you to say”

“What does he have to do, Anya? Be poisoned successfully for you to be convinced that he is a chest full of information we can use?”

“Because there is no record of him ever lying?” Anya challenged.

Clarke frowned at what they were both hinting at. She bit her tongue when Indra impugned her with a look. This was not something she should have brought up and this was not why she was there.

“Roan will remain in custody” Lexa said, holding a hand up to silence the argument taking place right at her nose. “For now, he is neither an enemy nor a friend. He will remain in our protection.”

That was enough to settle Anya back in her seat and Clarke directed her thoughts away from the possible fate of someone she did consider as a friend. What was more pressing was her mother’s own fate at this revelation. If Pike is the traitor, that puts Arkadia in the most precarious position in its history.

“Does my mother know?”

“Yes but the circumstances surrounding that is to be kept private” Lexa said. “For a different talk. My concern now is…this promise by which you bargained your life.”

“Okay..?” Clarke slowly processed what she was being told. “Did they—I mean…have they made demands?”

This is the first time she actually sat in this room with the most powerful generals in Lexa’s council. The last time she was in this kind of company, it was a Christmas dinner among friends and not a political gathering of sorts.

“Smart one you have here, Commander” Ontari said with a sneer.

Lexa ignored her and Clarke continued processing her thought verbally now.

“They requested for my mother too, didn’t they? But you don’t want to tell her? Letting them know officially would break the terms of the rebels but not letting them know…well, it will break your treaty with Arkadia…”

“I can see why you keep her around” Ontari said under her breath with an amused, if not doubtful, smile.

“One more quip, Ontari and I will have your tongue sliced” Lexa warned quietly.

Clarke gave her a soft plead to stop with the threats of violence. Her head was already spinning with the information that was just presented to her.

“I can call my mom” Clarke said.

“Because we do not yet know what she would say?” Lexa noted, shaking her head.

 “Whatever the order is, it cannot come from your mother” Indra interjected.

Of course.

Clarke looked across the table where Indra was eyeing her more closely than usual. Clarke realized that this must be one of the last things Indra would have her do. This was exactly what she had feared.

Clarke dabbling in the war.

It was probably one step closer to Lexa’s death, in Indra’s mind. But this was also her home that was going to be lost to the hands of their enemies. There were no probabilities there. One of their strongholds falling completely to rebels and terrorists was an actual step to Polis’s destruction.

And Lexa’s.

She sighed, knowing what Indra was referring to.

Her mother would need plausible deniability. For her own protection, if not to make it appear that she was still clean of violence. Should this war end quickly and they should be found victorious, Abby would still need a clean record to go with her acts of strength and valor in the face of conflict, in order to be re-elected.

Clarke scoffed slightly at her mother’s commitment to a career that she once wanted nothing to do with. If it were not so ironic, she would have pointed out the parallels to her own situation being in a foreign nation’s private council meeting with key international political players, one of whom, she was sleeping with.

“Someone has to know” she resolved. “Do you have a secure line to Secretary Kane?”

“A line is too risky right now” Ontari opposed.

“And what would you suggest, Ontari?” Anya’s question had a bite into it.

“Encrypted messages.”

Octavia scoffed at the suggestion and every head in the room turned to where she stood behind Indra.

“Kane would never buy it” she explained upon a glare from Lexa. “He is one of the most cautious people on this planet, he would take nothing short of Clarke delivering the message herself.”

“Luna, take Clarke to the Special Forces War Room” Lexa said like she already expected this. “Lincoln will meet you there.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Luna stepped forward to help Clarke out of the impossibly heavy chair she was sitting on when Ontari chuckled mockingly.

“No objections?”

“Shut up, Ontari” Luna warned.

“You know you are taking Clarke to make a call which might conclude with your probable death, right?”

“I’m not stupid. Shut it”

“I still vote for the encrypted messages, Commander” Ontari said, ignorning the fumes coming from Luna’s glare. “As we recall, your traitors are not in Arkadia alone.”

Clarke looked around and realized who was missing. For the last couple of days, Lexa would not let Titus out of her sight. He was not here nor was he there earlier when the generals had their meeting. She shot Lexa a question to which she replied a silent confirmation.

He was one of the men she had ordered to be apprehended.

“I'm not going to waste what little I have on writing love notes” Lexa took her eyes off Clarke to dismiss the suggestion.

“Love notes were your thing in school, if I remember correctly.”

“You would not know” Lexa noted pointedly, an air of ridicule filling the room.

Anya snorted and Luna contained her own guffaws.

“Are you laughing, Lieutenant?” Ontari demanded.

Clarke stood between the table and her seat, unsure whether she should get out of the way or stand in the middle of this childish ruse.

“It is such an Ontari thing to suddenly pull rank” Luna accused.

“Go babysit the Chancellor’s daughter while the rest of us make the decisions you have no guts to”

Luna took a forceful step towards Ontari, fists clenched and ready to take aim at her jaw. In a split second, Ontari was out of her chair and her hand was on her holstered gun and Clarke had to raise both her hands and spread them out in the distance separating the two.

“Whoa, whoa” she called out as Luna pulled herself back or else she would have punched her charge square in the head.

Ontari was as willing as she taunted her, kicking her chair out of the way and turning to face her in a threatening stance.

“I will cut both of your heads off myself!” Indra roared, making the two of them froze in evident fear.

Ontari exhaled sharply. She straightened her uniform before slumping back down to her seat. Luna stepped backward again, muttered an apology to Indra and Lexa but not to her opposition.

“Luna, take your leave” Lexa ordered.

“Commander, is there something you are forgetting to tell your girlfriend? Like the actual debate in this matter?”

Lexa eyes Clarke cautiously before glaring her final warning at Ontari.

Clarke did not like the way the word “girlfriend” rolled off Ontari’s tongue. And judging by how Anya looked ready to kill her, it seemed like she was not alone in that sentiment. She tried to take her mind off just how much venom there was in that statement and instead focused on the stoic countenance plastered on Lexa’s wearied face.

“Clarke, you should know. Pryan has more than just a grudge. In an encounter when I was touring Polis, I executed two of his uncles.”

“They would have killed you if you didn’t”

“Everybody in this room knows that” Ontari rolled her eyes.

“And everybody in this room is in agreement that you should not meet with them” Lexa declared.

Clarke turned to Anya who gave her a supportive smirk. She encouraged her with a subtle nod. Anya’s take on this has not changed since the last time they have talked but like most people in this room, some opinions are best said in private. And it is already very clear that Anya was holding something back. Ontari was a new player in this scene that she was cautious of. That, or there are old issues there that still threaten Anya’s view on the matter. Whatever their history might be.

“I gave my word, Lexa.”

Lexa pursed her lips and Clarke knew that she was already on thin ice.

“For the record, I think you should meet with them” Ontari stated.

“Ontari, hold your tongue” Lexa warned through gritted teeth.

“It is all over Arkadia that Clarke is here being protected by the Commander of Blood. If it gets out that she met with the rebels, it would create the impression that we are negotiating with them” Indra argued and Clarke surmised that from the reaction of everyone in the room, including Octavia’s and Luna’s, this was already a reiteration.

This was not the first time these group of people discussed this.

It infuriated Clarke that once again her fate was being essentially put to a vote among people who are under the belief that they know better than her. Perhaps they were right and it was their jobs to assess this situation and its global effects but it was not their word that would be put to question. No one in this room even came close to ever offering a dialogue with the rebels.

This was her move.

And no raised voices was going to silence her stand.

“Not going does not create an international crisis that we are not already in. These men are not recognized in the Articles of War as anything more than hostile factions. We are not duty-bound to respect a verbal promise a civilian has made” Anya stated matter-of-factly.

Clarke held her breath, suddenly unsure on whose side Anya was.

“But then again, Clarke is not just a civilian” she continued tactfully. “Should it become public information that she did bargain an audience with them, it will show that we are negotiating. At the very least, that there is a peaceful dialogue. Whatever peaceful means these days”

“Or it would reassure people that Clarke is still Arkadia’s daughter with all the good principles of diplomacy and peace” Ontari pitched. “It might create a big enough stir to throw the rebels and their terrorist causes off. She doesn’t have to promise anything or keep the ones she might have already made. She can be the weapon that will throw them off their game – the unaccounted factor in this war.”

Clarke looks at Lexa who was frowning in incredulously at Ontari. She could understand her girlfriend’s reaction. She was there when she first heard the two of them argue with Luna. Ontari was hardly the ambassador of peace. The fact that she was the picture of diplomacy right now should be an alarm in anyone’s head. But she did make a strong point and Clarke caught how even Anya would already in agreement with it.

Lexa looked away from Ontari slowly, almost fearful that the minute her gaze strays, she would miss her giving away a tell. She met Clarke’s eyes and Clarke breathed a little easily. She did not even realize she was still holding her breath. She tilted her head slightly. It was both a plea and a question for Lexa both of which her girlfriend chose to ignore.

“I wrote something. I haven’t decided what to do with it just yet but I did write a statement of my support for Polis in this war” Clarke confessed in an attempt to bridge the widening gap between her and Lexa.

This was also her way to illicit any sort of reaction from the Commander. Because of all the facets of Lexa, it is this expression of deep emptiness that scared her the most. Lexa’s face was set. Clarke knew right away that this question would not be decided here. This was about as personal as it was strategic. And the personal will always be settled between the two of them and behind closed doors.

“I gave them my word” Clarke dared silently. “But I gave you everything else. I intend to keep to both.”

She wanted to plea to Lexa that this was not about being her girlfriend. She was speaking as someone who was not just a civilian, like Anya has said. She should have a voice in this and it should not be silenced just because of who her mother is or where her girlfriend stood.

“And yes, Ontari, I am Arkadia’s daughter and I was raised to honor my promises. My father died for his, why should I be any different?”

Lexa slammed a fist on the table and if anyone had a reply for Clarke, it was silenced right away.

Anya shook her head at Clarke who did still have more to say even if she was suddenly terrified of the forest fires she had only ever seen once in Lexa’s eyes. Indra sat silently, her eyes not focused on anything particular in the room. Even Ontari gulped away her words and when Clarke turned to her, she saw her own fear mirrored on what was usually a cocky face.

Clarke tried to make Lexa look at her but she was already done with this conversation. She signalled at Luna to escort Clarke out.

They both exited the room without saying another word and as they made their way to Lincoln’s War Room, Luna finally offered her piece on this issue, which was equally surprising as Ontari’s. She does not think Clarke should go but for reasons that had nothing to do with politics.

It was a trap.

Plain and simple.

Clarke wanted to ask her if she was afraid that she would die with her, knowing that where she goes, Luna would follow. Luna beat her to it. She was never afraid to die. Growing up in a society such as Polis, having the job that she has and being once in the running for the Commander’s duty—you learn to live your life with the prospect of death at every turn. If she must, then she will die protecting Clarke because that was what was supposed to happen. Death would nothing be more than a fulfilment of fate.

Her fate.

No, she was not afraid of death. She merely opposed meaningless and unnecessary ones.

This was a trap and it will lead to deaths easily preventable.

Clarke respected her more for it. Luna said no more as they arrived in the War Room. Lincoln was already waiting and the phone he was holding up was already blinking green. He smiled at her as though he already knew what went down at the meeting.

“I have seen your strength” he whispered as he moved to few seats away, trying to give Clarke some privacy in what should still be a private call. “Everyone has. That is why you are here and that is why everyone fears you going out there.”

“Because I’m not strong enough?”

“Because your strength, Clarke, is a weapon no one knows how to use but you” Lincoln smiled. “It is not even something the Commander is willing to tap.”

Clarke nodded, not entirely sure where he was aiming at. She listened to Kane’s voice on the other end and just as Octavia had predicted, took quite the time to convince him that it was her. She did not waste any time and got to the point quickly. Then she read the note Lincoln passed onto her. There was a private plane waiting for Kane and he will go straight to the tower upon landing. Should it be decided that Clarke will meet with the rebels, Arkadia will be well-represented in the negotiations, even if he will only be in a nearby command center

“The Commander will be there?” Kane asked, surprised that Polis would risk the Commander of Blood’s safety at such a perilous gamble. “With me?”

“Lincoln will”

“The head of the Special Forces? Not Indra?”

Lincoln smiled and shrugged like it was not a big deal.

Clarke knew that it was.

“Indra’s eyes are on Lexa and Trihaven. The Commander trusts Lincoln with her life. And I suspect with mine”

“Well. You know her more than I do. You have given me a lot to think about it”

“I’m sorry. You know why we can’t tell my mom just yet, right?”

“Yes. I will tell her…should a decision be reached. I have to”

Clarke nodded.

“I understand. But you will be informing her, correct?”

Kane laughed at the less than subtle attempt to distinguish terms.

“Clearly” he replied.

“Safe travels, Kane” Clarke ended the call knowing that in the next day or two, once her mother finds out, Kane would be on that plane regardless of the decision.  

Octavia was waiting for her in her room when she returned. Indra had already dismissed her for the next 72 hours. When Clarke asked why 72 hours, Octavia noted that the terms of the rebels call for a meet stipulated that such meet should take place within the next 48 hours. Indra had the wisdom to look beyond that.

Wisdom. Not faith.

Clarke wanted to prepare even if Octavia kept pointing out that Lexa has not said yes yet. If she does not give them the green light, Clarke can’t just storm out of the tower.

“Yeah, well. Help me study” Clarke said, not bothering to argue.

Octavia smirked. This was how Clarke copes with things she cannot control. She studies everything else. Octavia unloaded the bag she was carrying and handed Clarke a packet of all the information the Special Forces and Intelligence Units could compile on Pryan and his men.

“When you’re done with that, you can move on to those” Octavia said, pointing to a set of physical maps. “The terrain of the chosen meeting location.”

“You did homework” Clarke praised.

“Yeah, well. If it’s the last thing I do…”

“O. There is no one else I trust more to have my back but if—I do not--- I do not want you to be hurt in this. Or—“

“Okay, stop” Octavia said, holding up a finger. “You made your bed, Clarke. And I’ve always sort of shared in it anyway. From womb to tomb or whatever.”

Clarke snorted. She gave Octavia a tight hug, conscious that it will feel more like a thank you and a sorry as opposed to a goodbye. Octavia knew what it was. It was Clarke saying that she actually was scared. It did not matter what she said to Lexa or to Lexa’s council. It did not matter what she wanted her mother to believe.

Clarke Griffin was scared.

She would go anyway.

Octavia hugged her tightly too. It was not a reassurance that she would do her best to keep her safe. That was a given. Neither was it meant to promise that everything would be okay. It was just Octavia saying that she knows how scared her best friend is. She did not have a solution for it. She just knew that deep down the unbreakable conviction of a girl who had already felt too much, she was still just a girl who needed someone to know just how afraid she was to hurt anymore people.

Octavia knowing was enough for Clarke.

It has always been enough for Clarke and when there was nothing else to do, it was all Octavia knew to give.

“Alright then” Octavia murmured, holding back her tears. “Those goons might give us a pop quiz. Time to ace it, Princess”

Clarke whined that the nickname needs to just die a quick and painless death. The choice of words may not have been the smartest given the circumstances but Octavia just laughed it off. There were more serious matters they should be agonizing over.

Halfway through their study session, Clarke decided to take a break and checked her messages. Her mom had left her a voicemail and she received Raven’s usual coded text to inform her that she was still alive and as safe as she could be. Clarke’s stare lingered at her phone as she refreshed her messages. She heard Octavia snicker from where she was sitting on the couch.

Clarke set her phone down her desk and moved back to the spot beside Octavia which she had vacated an hour earlier. She rested her head on her best friend’s shoulder and confirmed what she was sure she was going to be teased about. She was waiting for messages from Lexa. Octavia pointed out that Lexa did call her earlier but she refused to answer. An argument was to be made that she did try and apologize first but Lexa also ignored her first.

“I swear, I blinked and went back to high school” Octavia teased, giving her a comforting hug. “You know you’re a headache, right?”

Clarke stuck her tongue out at her but nodded. They decided that was enough studying for the both of them when their stomach grumbled in complaint of hunger. Octavia got up to call the kitchen to send them something but Clarke knew that Lexa was probably down her dining room eating. It was time for a truce.

Only at the sight of Clarke, Lexa dismissed her small dinner party and exited the room.

Anya motioned for Clarke to take her usual seat.

“She has to get out of the tower” she said when Clarke started picking on her food. “And she should be waiting for me outside. Have you made up your mind on what you want to do with the meet?”

“Does it matter?”

“She has made it absolutely binding that she will not hold you back from being who you are. You understand her role with her people. It was time she accepted yours”

Clarke watched as Anya left the room with lesser fanfare than Lexa did. Octavia piled her plate with as much food as her hands could reach, muttering that she should just eat up. It’s not like they wouldn’t patch things up by tomorrow. That was the point though, Clarke thought as she stomached her way through dinner, she was not even sure she would see Lexa tomorrow.

Lexa had made Clarke fall in love all over again when she was adamant about Clarke being herself. And for whatever reason she could not tell her that she loves her too, it was one of the best arguments and declarations that she does. Clarke has spent her life being dictated on who she should be and how she should act. She had to push and pull in every aspect of her life as she tried to find the one corner she belonged to. She had to fight to be who she is as much as she had to fight to hide all that made her who she was.

Lexa had always accepted those parts. All of those parts.

As soon as Octavia left to get some of her things from the Academy, Clarke walked up to Lexa’s room feeling like an idiot. She knew her girlfriend was not mad that she we wanted to push through with the meet. All Lexa wanted was for them to privately decide on it. And there she was, always pushing lines more than she should. If she was this infuriated with herself, it was a surprise Lexa had not thrown her out of the tower yet, considering she really does have bigger things to worry about.

Which was probably why her room was empty.

Clarke went to the Children’s Wing to put Kinna to sleep and to bid her good nights to the kids who were still awake. It had become part of her nightly routine to drop by and do a head count of the children who were there. They expected her and they always welcomed her. Some would even stay awake until she dropped by. And for some reason or the other, the kids would always know if something was bothering her. A few nights ago, a boy gave her an origami rose because she apparently looked sad. They did not know that that was just her missing her girlfriend. Tonight, they still did not know that she has this axe of an offer hanging above her head while she simultaneously tried to balance her relationship in a wire suspended a hundred feet off the ground.

Or maybe they did know and the girl beside Kinna’s bed gave a huge hug after handing her a drawing of a sunflower.

“The Commander said your smile is like the sun” she whispered, careful not to wake the other kids up.

“What? She did? When?”

The girl shrugged and muttered sleepily that the Commander sometimes goes by there and they about her.

Now, Clarke feels guiltier and it did not help that when she went up Lexa’s room again, she was still not back. She asked Luna if she could find out where Lexa was but as far as she knows, she was already back from her engagement. She was not even away from the tower for more than half an hour. Clarke begged Luna to let her check the rooftop and even if they argued the entire way up there, Luna finally relented with the compromise that her unit vet the rooftop first. Which basically was the point of the trip in the first place because when they said no one was there, then that just confirmed that Lexa was not there either.

Not in the office. Not in the War Room. Not in the library.

She was not even in the armory.

Clarke pushed her bedroom door open grudgingly muttering her inner debate on whether to call her girlfriend or not.

Lexa stood up from the nearest armchair to the door.

“I really am an idiot” Clarke grumbled, walking heavily towards the person she had spent the last hour or so, looking for.

Lexa stood awkwardly, one hand gripped tightly on a bouquet of sunflowers and the other tapping impatiently at the side of her leg.

“Flowers. Now, I know we’re in trouble.”

Lexa’s lips twitched lopsidedly before she walked gingerly towards Clarke. She kissed her on the cheek, lightly, like it was the first time she had ever done it. Clarke felt the spot on her face burn as she accepted the flowers her girlfriend carefully offered her.

“I am quite exhausted” Lexa muttered, her eyes blank and weary as Clarke tried to hide behind the golden petals she was sniffing to stall the conversation. “I am tired of being angry at you.”

“Well, what a relief” Clarke rolled her eyes.

She paused when Lexa did not budge from where she stood. She knew the flowers were not an apology because between the two of them, she was the one who pushed things a little too far. She reached for Lexa with her free hand and breathed a little easily when she took it willingly, even if the Lexa’s stare was still a stormy kind of calm.

“I’m sorry” Clarke said sincerely, tugging on Lexa in an attempt to appease her.

It was all-around awkward. They technically did not have a fight but this was the first public disagreement they have and Clarke was starting to re-learn what she lines were not to be crossed even by her.

“Lexa, I’m sorry I opposed you in front of your people” she apologized more clearly.

Lexa nodded, shoulders dropping from the tensed breath she was holding. Clarke pulled her closer and hugged her tightly with both arms. She smiled when she felt Lexa kiss her shoulder, acknowledging the apology and muttering something about learning her lesson. Clarke knew there were many lessons this life with Lexa was going to teach her. She was unsure whether she was ready to learn everything. She was not even completely sure that she would accept it all but she knew that she had to give in to the life she had now chosen to live.

Clarke gently let go of the hug and thanked Lexa for the flowers with a smile. The way Lexa avoided her eyes when she went to look for a vase in her room made gave away that there was more to the gesture than she had anticipated. She set the flowers on her desk and asked what was going on.

Lexa leaned on the wall nearest Clarke. She fumbled with her fingers for a little bit before saying that she talked with the Chancellor earlier. Abby wants Clarke to go home and Lexa said she would consider it. Clarke knew that something like this would eventually turn up. She knew her mom was not done with trying to get her back to Arkadia and she knew her girlfriends would do everything in her power – and she is quite the powerful woman – to keep her away from the fighting.

Clarke played along and maintained her thoughtful stare, as though she did now know what Lexa was telling her.

Lexa exhaled and listed down carefully thought out points on why Clarke should go home.

It was not safe. It had been too long. It was not like they would not communicate. It was a mother’s prerogative to want her daughter home. It was politics. It was smart. It was Lexa’s promise to do what was best for her.

Clarke nodded when Lexa was done.

“Okay” she said flatly. “Break up with me.”

“Clarke.”

“A couple of days ago, you would not so much as take me to the helipad for a date because you think there might be spies there. Now, you want to ship me off?”

“To your home!” Lexa growled pleadingly.

“You’re my home!”

Lexa stood up straight when Clarke raised her voice.

Clarke just stared at her like she was being the most ridiculous and pathetic person in the world right now. In her mind, maybe she was because while she will always be enamoured by Lexa’s unconditional need to keep her safe and alive, it was borderline insulting for her to think that Clarke would ever consider a place without her as home.

“Baby, I know you have never asked me to be anything less than who I am” Clarke whispered, putting a hand gently on Lexa’s still crossed arms. “And I know I promised to listen to you when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. But unless you prove to me that I am indeed safer in Arkadia or that you simply don’t want anything to do with me anymore, I am staying.”

Lexa hung her head as she exhaled sharply.

“I am staying” Clarke repeated.

It was more than a stand. It was more than just doing what she wanted. It was more than a protest against her mom and girlfriend trying to decide things for her. It was more than a show of support in what appears to be the toughest time in Lexa’s reign. It was more than Clarke trying to find her place in the world that will probably never understand her.

It was a promise to last beyond the war.

Clarke sought out Lexa’s eyes. Her inner outrage at the suggestion that she did not belong with Lexa evaporated the minute Lexa nodded slightly and pulled her in for a hug.

They stayed quiet and still with Lexa slightly leaning her chin on Clarke’s shoulders while Clarke pressed the side of their heads closer. It was the first quiet minute they have had together which neither of them forced. Clarke had been on a mission to make Lexa calm down. Lexa practically imposes a few minutes of silence whenever they were both tensed and anxious about the war.

Tonight, it was the desperate heartbeats which settled them.

Clarke smiled as she fought back an urge to break down in Lexa’s arms. She could hear and feel their chest slowly settling to a familiar and synchronized rhythm. Lexa gently released her from their embrace, probably realizing the same thing she just did.

That beat? That explicable cure to the madness that surrounds them? The rhythm? The musicality their hearts always sing to when they hold each other close?

That is home.

That is why Clarke is not going anywhere Lexa was not.

Clarke walked back to the couch, her fingers loosely pulling on Lexa’s. She sat and pulled her girlfriend down for a cradling embrace. She chuckled when Lexa allowed it, knowing that their usual positions are reversed. Lexa once mentioned she hated being cradled and preferred that she was the one holding Clarke. She made no protests tonight.

 “If I don’t meet with rebels,” Clarke said in careful silence. “We will be exactly the kind of people they said we are.”

“They can tell the world that I am as unforgiving and as ruthless as any Commander” Lexa quickly countered. “They are unbelievably lucky I have not slaughtered them in that hospital.”

“I hate it when you talk like this. You’re better than the image you project to the world.”

Lexa smirked. She placed a finger under Clarke’s chin, bringing it up to her and leaned in for a kiss.

Slow. Pained. Careful.

Devoted.

Clarke smiled into it, knowing that she can fight breaking down but not melting into the sanctuary Lexa’s lips always promise.

“Only in your eyes” Lexa said, breathing the words into Clarke’s mouth when they pulled away.

“Maybe the world should see you the way I do. Maybe we can stop this war that way.”

Lexa sighed in controlled frustration. She stood up slowly, almost apologetically and Clarke could literally feel threads of anxiety seeping back into her.

“There is no stopping this war” Lexa paced before sitting down a next to Clarke, careful to keep a minimum distance between them. “Too many have died. They deserve justice.”

“And the rebels deserve to be heard. At least by me. If only because I promised I would listen, then so be it.”

“Why do you ask me of impossible things?!”

“Excuse me but you’re the one who basically asked me to leave you. Is there anything more impossible?”

“I'm protecting you. From this life. From me. ”

“This life is our life!” Clarke upheld ardently. “Ours, Lexa.”

Lexa blinked and Clarke caught the fear.

She reached for her hand and willed all of her faith in their relationship in a touch. Lexa relaxed and admitted that she suddenly had an abundance of fears. Clarke kissed her hand and promised she would not do anything stupid…outside of meeting terrorists anyway.

Lexa chuckled.

“Are you still angry?” Clarke asked with a pout.

“No. Are you?”

“Of course not.”

“Good” Lexa smiled warily.

“Will you let me go?”

Lexa nodded hesitantly.

“Lincoln is briefing a unit” she said in her Commander voice. “I have sent my terms. They will stay a respectable distance within the perimeter but Luna and Octavia will go with you to the actual meeting. That or the deal is off and I send my men to raid their camps and burn every single one of them.”

Clarke took a moment to testily question Lexa’s suddenly certain gaze. She realized that the Commander side of Lexa expected to lose this argument so she came with a condition instead.

“Lexa—”

“Impossible position, my love!” Lexa reminded.

“Oh, fine!”

Clarke waved her hands as if to say she surrenders by choice.

“There is another condition”

“Oh, aren’t you on a roll?”

“Move in with me”

Clarke laughed, shaking her head as she pulled Lexa out of the room to go upstairs. She would, eventually, of course. She knew she could only stall for too long and the day will come that her reasons would run out. But not tonight because even as they tried to settle in bed, one or both of them would either get a call or a knock on the door and it would be intel or changes in the plan for the next day.

Lexa finally had the non-classified details of tomorrow’s meet sent up to the room so Clarke could read it in bed. Clarke set it down after reading through the whole file four, almost five times, until Lexa turned the lamp off from her side of the bed.

“You know you can just tell me to sleep, right?” Clarke asked her, checking the time.

It was almost one in the morning.

“Go to sleep” Lexa mumbled, covering her eyes with her forearm.

Clarke laid her head on Lexa’s waiting chest five minutes later. She knew she was awake but like most things, Lexa was excellent at pretending to be asleep if it meant that it will help Clarke settle down. She placed her hand right above where Lexa’s heart should be and her thumbs tapped in gentle rhythm. She felt her girlfriend smile as the breathing evened out and they could both feel their chests returning to normal rhythm.

But even then, Clarke knew.

Lexa was awake. Maybe a fake sleep was her escape. Because Clarke also knew that there was no part of Lexa that wanted to admit just how scared she was with what their next sunrise would bring.

"Did you ask everyone else to move in with you?" Clarke joked as she got out of bed.

Nobody laughed.

Lexa's face unreadable and Clarke tried to comfort her by squeezing her arm. The room was full of familiar faces. Octavia. With the same squad of Indra's men she had picked back in the hospital. Luna and her squad. Anya and about six of her own staff members. The officers were discussing logistics while Luna and her team were going over some gear that they would be using. Octavia was already dressed in full tactical gear and was examining the set that Clarke presumed would be hers.

"Lexa?"

Everyone paused from their posts once again to look at the two of them. Lexa turned to Clarke, eyes still blank.

"I'm going to kiss you" Clarke declared.

Lexa blinked at her.

Clarke scoffed and walked over to her girlfriend. She gulped nervously as she leaned it. She didn't know why that was. She never felt nervous kissing Lexa anymore. Giddy, yes. But the butterflies never resembled anxiety anymore. She leaned in slowly, completely aware that Lexa has not moved. When their lips met, for a split-second she believed she would not kiss her back.

That was about as foolish as meeting with the people who was in open warfare with Polis.

Lexa tilted her head to the side, catching Clarke's breath cheekily and fitting her lips perfectly.

The nerves disappeared.

Clarke smiled into the kiss, knotting Lexa's hair in her finger.

"Good morning" she whispered against her girlfriend's lips.

Lexa echoed her words as a response before regaining her formal stance. She cleared her throat and Clarke looked around the room. Everyone was staring and with the exception of Octavia who almost looked bored at the sight, they all resembled soldiers getting ready for the firing squad.

Clarke grinned sheepishly before shrugging like it was not a big deal. Octavia broke the silence and told her to freshen up because they have a lot to cover before they leave in the next hour. Lexa followed her into the bathroom and as Clarke hurriedly washed up for a day of unknown terror, Lexa sat on the corner of the tub, silently. When she was done, Lexa stared up at her, eyes glassy with fears she probably had never felt in her entire life.

"At the first sign of an ambush, you run behind Luna. I know your instincts would dictate you run to Octavia" she said, voice dead-blank. "It has to be Luna. She is your first line of defense and your strongest offensive weapon."

Clarke nodded.

Lexa stood up and left her alone in the bathroom.

Clarke stared at herself in the mirror. The circles under her eyes tell the story of how her night went. She barely slept. She had about a wink's worth when people started piling in their room. Lexa was right when she kept repeating all night that there was no more point of Clarke studying the plan over and over again.

She breathed into the mirror.

She followed the mist she exhaled as it latched on to the surface, obscuring her view. That was probably for the best. All she needed was one glance and she would confirm what she had spent the night hiding from her girlfriend.

She was scared.

She knew she was way out of her league. She did not even know how she would open this dialogue. There was no assurance that they would even make it that far. They could be shot at the minute they were within range. And even if they do accomplish a peaceful talk, negotiations could still fail.

Clarke knew the risk. Her life. Octavia's. Every soldier tasked to keep her alive.

Lexa's position in Polis.

Polis.

Arkadia.

Her mom.

She was scared. She could very well be walking to her death and yet no part of her wanted retreat. This was madness and she knew it. She exhaled again, one last time before meeting her foggy reflection on the mirror.

This has to work.

For all the reasons why she was scared.

Clarke walked out the door and allowed Octavia to assist her into the gear that was being examined earlier. Lexa was pacing by her desk as Anya gave her a rundown of newly acquired intel. Clarke tried to block her out of her sight and mind as she received her own briefing from Lincoln via video call. She repeated every information she was given in almost verbatim fashion and with earnest reiteration of the key points that Lincoln joked she would make a fine Special Forces soldier. Octavia corrected him that it was why Clarke would kick ass in med school.

Nobody laughed. It was not a joke. Everyone knew she would make a fine doctor as much as they knew that there was a very definite probably she would not live to see that day.

The clock struck six. Lexa gave the order and they all marched to the basement garage. The rebels had picked a spot outside of the capital and the smaller cities of Polis. A secluded area bordering on one of the more hostile spots in the world but still quite secured because of its neutral proximity to Polis. It had been debated whether they should take a plane or a helicopter but in the end, Lincoln thought it best to go by car, transfer to a combat helicopter and then drive to the actual spot.

Clarke knew Lexa already deployed rangers in the route. She also knew that as soon as they were out of the tower's premises, choppers would be following as close as they can without breaking the terms of the meet.

The hummer waiting for her had its upgrades as well. Octavia muttered that maybe they were packed with a missile or two and Clarke tried to ignore the idea she would be travelling in a mobile weapon.

"I'll see you later" she gulped at Lexa as Luna walked over to ride shotgun.

Lexa nodded at her and gave a subtle order at both Octavia and Luna to get inside the car ahead of Clarke.

Clarke raised an eyebrow.

“You make so happy. And crazy. All while you teach me to be strong.”

Clarke chuckled warmly. She wanted to kiss her. She wanted to hug her. Hell, she wanted to bring her with her to this suicide trip. Instead she smiled reassuringly, hoping fervently that the fears she had seen from her own eyes were no longer there.

"Behave while I'm away?" she managed to tease.

Lexa smirked and held the car door open for her.

"If I must" she replied, bending down and brushed a hand by Clarke's ankle before closing the door.

Lexa stood in the same spot as the Hummer pulled away, followed by two more unmarked ones.

Clarke found as they exited the gates that Lexa sheathed one of her own smaller blades by her ankle. She smiled. That must be why she insisted on wearing her boots and not the ones prepared for Clarke.

The first leg of the trip went as fast as she drained the cup of coffee Octavia shoved in her hands. It was a quiet ride with the silence occasionally being interrupted by Luna answering calls or radioing their status back to the tower. Clarke noticed that the minute they were out of the capital city bounds and the first sign of long winding roads bordered by forestland, the first two choppers showed up from the rear view mirror. When Luna called in at the hour mark of their trip, the helicopters pulled back. That was when both Clarke and Octavia noticed combat motorcycles from behind the trees.

Actual armed motorbikes, running side by side with their car.

Lexa really did have everything covered.

Clarke breathed through her nerves.

Octavia noticed her fiddling with her pendant and warned her that maybe it would be best if she kept that hidden under her collar.

Clarke grinned like she was impressed.

Octavia was thinking of every possible scenario too.

It was time she got rid of her nerves and start formulating a sort of opening statement to this meeting. She wanted to do that all night but pretending to be asleep and actually falling into a nap won out. She asked for a secure tablet and started typing out ideas of what she would say to the rebels. Octavia managed to joke thst of course Clarke would nerd out and write out an outline of things she would negotiate.

By the time they transferred to a chopper waiting for them in a clearing in the woods, Octavia had sent an outline and a speech to be approved.

"Lexa said no statements" Clarke reminded her. "Show her that and she would think I'm writing a press release."

"Good thing whatever you negotiate should be approved by Anya."

Clarke raised an eyebrow, signaling her question as their ride obscured their words.

"Commander relieved herself from overseeing this meet" Octavia replied through their headset, helping Clarke put on hers.

"Why?"

"Emotional context"

Clarke nodded, guiltily.

"Don't worry. The Cold Mountain stirs. She and Ontari are stuck in the War Room. Anya's got you. So does Lincoln."

"I'm sorry" Clarke said. "This is dangerous. Even for him."

Octavia rolled her eyes.

"We're gonna do our jobs, Princess. Do whatever the hell it is that you have to."

When they landed in another clearing an hour later, new sets of Hummers were waiting for them. Clarke was handed a new set of dossier with new intelligence reports about the location and people at the meeting. There were no changes but she was still amazed by how quickly and efficiently Lincoln's men worked to obtain vital information like which topics would trigger unfavorable turn of negotiations and which would be sensitive enough to evoke a twist in the arm.

As amazed as she was about the new material she has an hour or so to study, nothing prepared Clarke for what awaited her in the command station.

Kane greeted with a hug. And an appointment from her mother.

She was being named Ambassador to Polis.

Kane quickly explained how they managed to pull it off with Abby calling in every favor available to her. They had thought it best that the only way this meeting would not start another foreign affairs crisis was if Polis at least resembled free of initiating the talks. And the best way they thought to make this appear like Arkadia was still on neutral grounds was to make sure that there was no doubt who was sent to the meeting.

Clarke, Arkadia's Ambassador to Polis.

Not the Chancellor's daughter.

And not the Commander of Blood's girlfriend.

Clarke did not buy it one bit. She was both. She knew how to be both. She cannot possibly internalize being part of the diplomatic corps in time. Besides, being named ambassador only made her mother look...panicked.

Kane read her face easily and told her to trust this move. It will give them more leeway in negotiations and it would appease the rebels that they were being taken seriously. It would also show the international community that while they remain an ally to Polis, Arkadia is officially on board with peace-keeping measures.

Clarke scoffed at "peace-keeping." There was hardly any peace to be kept.

But she did not contest her new role.

She did not have the time. She gave Kane one last hug and listened to new sets of instructions from Lincoln. Before getting in the car to their final destination, she asked him to give Lexa a note she wrote on the plane.

But only if she did not come back alive.

Lincoln gave her a pointed but accepted the note without saying anything. He gave Octavia a long and heavy kiss before ordering Luna to call the convoy to start leaving.

"Anya said you're good to go with those statements" Octavia said in a deadpan voice as they drove off deeper into the forest. "Though she mentioned apparently you no longer needed permission from Polis."

Clarke smirked. She wondered how her girlfriend took the news. Of course, technically, the Commander of Blood would have to accept her appointment, first, in order for it to be valid.  And there were a million reasons for her not to. Lexa, though...just Lexa...it was an intriguing thought to entertain.

Though she did not have the time to entertain it for long.

The car stopped just before a bridge.

Clarke remembered the coordinates and the look of the whole place.

This was neutral ground.

The bridge was still Polis territory but Lexa's reach does not extend beyond it. That was where the rebels waited. That was their turf. And according to the terms of this meeting, the talks will happen in the lighthouse perched right in the middle of the mouth river this bridge was built for.

Again, neutral ground.

Halfway from enemy land and halfway from where the love of her life rules.

"Let's go" she said when she realized that they were just waiting for her order.

Clarke stepped out of the car and Luna handed her a pair of binoculars, pointing across the bridge. When she looked through them, she saw that Pryan and a small group of armed men were already walking down the slope at the end of their bridge. She directed her gaze there, seeing two rowboats waiting for them. She handed the binoculars back to Luna and followed one of the soldiers who started the descent on their side of the bridge. Two boats were waiting for them too.

The waters of the river, deep as they may be, were alarmingly calm.

Clarke followed Luna on the first boat and sat behind her. Octavia brought up their tail, closely followed by two more soldiers who sat on either side of her. The next boat was a little more intimidating with four more armed soldiers, eyes dead set on the parallel boats paddling to the lighthouse.

Pryan gave her a smirk when they disembarked their respective boats. He held out his hand for her to enter the lighthouse first. Luna stepped in between them and directed a soldier from her unit to lead the way. Clarke saw Pryan rolled his eyes but said nothing.

The staircase leading to the top of the lighthouse was as winding as it was tall. By the time they reached the top, Clarke was breathless. Though she was not sure if it was a sudden case of claustrophobia or just the tension she has caged in her chest.

There weren't any tables on the top but she could tell that both sides to this meet has checked the place out. At least enough to have places seats around the opening to the stairs. Three chairs from Polis, bearing the Commander of Blood's Seal and three unmarked ones on Pryan's side.

"You bargain for her now?"

"Do chairs distract you, sir?"

"Do you call me 'sir' to mock me?"

"I suppose only a terrorist would deem common courtesy as an insult."

Pryan scoffed.

"Is that what you call us now?"

"Well, you graduated from being a mere rebellious outlaw into a terrorist once you had a blade against my throat."

"And Polis negotiates with terrorists then?"

"Polis did not send me."

Pryan shook his head.

"Of course not. Not in their nature to send their lovers unless they be pawns to a greater scheme."

He shot a look at Luna before focusing back at Clarke.

“Pawns and queens and kings. The game ends eventually” Clarke said, giving Octavia a curt nod.

Octavia raised both her arms as a show that she was not concealing a weapon. She took out Clarke’s diplomatic credentials and tossed them at Pryan.

“Nepotism is alive and well” he said with a sneer upon reading what they contain. “You were not supposed to alert your officials”

“How will they know to listen?”

Pryan hissed, handing the documents back with distaste.”

"I promised you my mother's ear in exchange for my life change for my life" Clarke said steadily. "I come here today with a promise that she will hear all that you have to say. As Ambassador, I extend humanitarian aid to your people caught in this bloodbath."

Pryan sneered again.

"And to make a deal?"

"If one can be agreed upon. I suggest you start talking."

"Do explain this humanitarian aid, Clarke Griffin. It's utterly ridiculous to imagine those words coming from anyone's mouth when they are surrounded by The Commander of Blood's minions."

Luna breathed evenly next to Clarke. Like she was taking pace from her seat, waiting for the perfect moment in between heartbeats before pulling a gun's trigger. Clarke could hear her voice advising her back at the gun range. Back when Luna gave her the basics but reminded her she never really needed lessons.

The same way Anya had noted that she did not need lessons on how to negotiate amidst war.

"You're the one who has made it necessary that they be here" she said testily.

Pryan gave a slight nod and waited for Clarke's offer.

"I know you have families. I know most of you are banished from Polis. And I know some of your soldiers have been plucked from their homes in Arkadia. And maybe from other nations within our alliance. I offer sanctuary to your women and children. They will be welcomed in Arkadia."

Pryan laughed, his sinister bellows echoing against the dome of the lighthouse.

"Is that all?" he said in between his fit. "Your idea of peace is to separate us from our families?"

Clarke smiled.

"The sanctuary comes upon your surrender."

"No deal."

Octavia shifted in her seat. Clarke followed her gaze outside the glass windows surrounding them. It was just a few minutes past noon and the sun was still shining at its peak. She saw the glint of silver flickering amongst the leaves of trees on the other side of the river.

Octavia kept herself in check, refusing to show just how much of her is fuming right now. She met Clarke's eye in passing and that was all she needed not to rest her hand on her holster. Instead, she shifted in her seat again, subtlety angling herself more protectively towards Clarke while maintaining the same distance.

Clarke controlled her own breathing. This negotiations will not end with her best friend becoming her body shield.

"What do you bring to the table then?" Clarke asked calmly. "You know, other the handful of snipers you have pointing at me."

Pryan smiled, mildly impressed.

"You caught that, didn't you? First point to the new Ambassador. I have yet to locate Lexa's trained snipers."

"Only one of you attempted to break the terms of this negotiations then."

"Just because they have yet to be seen, Clarke, does not mean they're not there."

Clarke shrugged.

"You are stalling, Pryan" Luna spoke for the first time. "Lay your terms for Ambassador Griffin. If not, we shall be off and you find yourselves wishing you had taken what was graciously presented to you."

"I've heard about you" Pryan turned his attention to Luna. "The soldier whose master took her love? I'm surprised your gallantry extends to Lexa's replacement of...what was her name?"

"I caution you, rebel of no name" Luna snapped. "Do not step on ashes which still kindles."

"So it is true. You still wish your Commander to burn" Pryan pressed.

Clarke turned slowly at Luna, intent to read her face as well as desperate to keep the flow of this meeting on track.

"I wish success and strength for the Commander that she may bring fateful ruin those who threaten our nation" Luna declared firmly.

Clarke felt herself more relaxed and safe than she had been all day.

"Enough" she called out. "Your terms, Pryan. You've wasted enough time."

"Pull your soldiers out of our land. Release our people from your prisons. We will pull back from your villages and we will return your children."

Clarke knew that they had taken boys to train for war. She knew they take from both Polis and Arkadia and she knew they the number to be as big as the increasing death toll. She also knew this was circumstance that was never confirmed. Until now.

"How many children?" she asked.

"About as many fathers you have jailed."

"It is almost funny that you call them fathers now and not rebels or criminals. Arkadia does not send men to prison unless it is proven they have committed crimes."

"Polis does!"

"I do not speak for Polis."

"You speak for the Commander! And she has brothers and fathers chained and executed in a daily basis!"

"She has men who kill and steal and ruin lives imprisoned for their crimes!"

"Are you honestly going to tell me you believe Polis operates on the same justice system as Arkadia?"

"I believe Polis operates on a system that is just. Which is more than I can say for those who operate as pawns of enemies intent on bringing down the harmony bled for by people within Polis and its allies."

Clarke heard the conviction in her own voice as loudly as the mockery coloring Pryan's ever sinister laugh.

"You truly believe Lexa is innocent? And the Commanders before her?" he taunted.

"It's war. Nobody is innocent."

"The children in a small village on the other side of these woods were innocent. The people who came to bring us food in what was then our small community were innocent. They never held guns or wielded blades and yet they never stood a chance against Arkadia's drones. In the hands of whoever sat on the Commander's throne."

Pryan's voice crept onto Clarke's skin like a parasite taking hold of a helpless host. She could feel herself itch in the pain of guilt. This was the first time she felt thankful to be clothed in the authority of Arkadia and the first time she understood why Anya cautioned her not to bargain on behalf of Polis.

She was not armed with enough reason to justify Lexa's and her predecessor's warfare.

"I cannot pretend to understand why people die, Pryan" Clarke said in her sincerest sorrow. "I do not know when or how the killing began. I am here now, offering the means to end this."

Clarke knew it was as lame as telling Anya that she loves Lexa now so why should the past matter. Why should the circumstances leading up to her love for Lexa matter when the point was it lead to her unwavering commitment?

Of course the past matters.

Of course the circumstances matter.

"Lay down your arms" she reinforced. "I assure you, you will stand trial and Arkadia will stand firm to give you the justice you seek."

"And what of the justice Arkadia seeks?"

"For the lives you have taken?"

"For the lives that were taken."

Clarke almost smiled at the distinction of terms.

"Stop the taking and I personally guarantee that your lives will be spared."

"Polis has a different policy when it comes to blood that has been spilled" Pryan reminded her.

"That is beyond my reach."

"Well, perhaps you should extend farther than what is allowed to be yours. It would not be the first time."

Clarke raised an eyebrow.

"Why would we want the Chancellor's ear when we have the Commander's bed?" Pryan asked airily.

Clarke exhaled her nerves.

"What a gossip you are, Sir" she said casually. "I have no power in Polis other than to represent my mother's government."

"We want the Azgedan Prince"

Clarke blinked at the demand from nowhere.

"What would a bunch of so-called oppressed rebels want with an exiled Prince?" she pried.

"In exchange, we will declare truce on Arkadia."

"You assume Arkadia has the Prince."

"We know Arkadia shares custody over him. Was he not taken from Arkadian territory a few months ago?"

Clarke nodded.

"Have your mother recall custody over him, sign his freedom and we will sign a truce. Officially."

"And the children?"

"Different currency."

Clarke considered it.

There was no way Lexa was releasing Roan. Nor Abby after the recent revelations. And he had become her friend and ally. She could not risk his life, not when he has proven to be as valuable as any intelligence report there was. And not when he has already stated plainly that his own mother wanted to kill him.

She had to start considering that she would not be leaving here with a total surrender. She could practically hear Lexa's voice saying "I told you so."

"A compromise then" she said. "You return the children you have snatched from their families in exchange for sanctuary for yours"

"We do not need your sanctuary."

Clarke called him out. She had spent enough time reading to know they were running out of basic resources. She read through reports that many of their women and children were sick and hungry. She saw the numbers. They were loaded with more guns than food.

"Arkadia will stop supplying the outer villages with food and medicine" Clarke informed. "The evacuations have started. Soon you will have nothing to loot. Polis's economy is also heavily connected with us. Should we decide to cut down our trade, you will have no villages to raid. Should the Commander decide to line her borders with more ammunition than people, you would find yourselves eating bullets for breakfast."

"Then we take what we need from wherever we can."

"You mean Azgeda? Is that why you need to Prince?" Clarke tested. "To bargain more funding?"

"The Ambassador shows her cards" Pryan mocked.

"The Chancellor's Daughter knows her game" Clarke corrected. "She aced her Economics classes, after all."

She did not know why she needed to make that distinction. Perhaps it was because she was not an ambassador yet when the information about Azgeda funding Pryan's army came to light. Perhaps it was because she was about to speak of Roan as a friend and not a diplomatic representative.

Or perhaps she wanted to let Pryan know that it did not take an official position to know that they were in league with the Azgedans.

Whichever the case, it was her turn to be smug in the face of her one-time captor.

"Humor me then" Pryan cleared his throat. "What is the price for royalty?"

"He is not on the table" Clarke decided. "I came to talk peace. Not hand you more ammunition. You once accused me, an Arkadian, to have had a hand in this war you started-"

"I never said we started it."

"You sure hell aren't doing much to stop it."

"As long as you continue to be one with Polis, they will continue to be the powerhouse that they are and the oppression of my people will never cease!"

Clarke breathed sharply.

She heard Indra's story being retold in her head.

That was what people - enemies - feared when the first of her ancestors fell in-love with the then Commander of Blood. That was what traditionalists from both side wanted to avoid. For centuries, that was what they were running from. Why they chose to deflect from their own leaders under the pretense of nationality.

They did not fear deviation from cultures and practice. They feared union.

In their union, there is unknowable strength.

Lexa has said it as much. She was stronger with Clarke.

"You make me strong" she had said.

Perhaps in a different context but in the eyes of a world which fears the military prowess of Polis and the technological advancements of Arkadia, it was a recipe for world domination.

This was why Lexa was fated to die.

Because Clarke practically makes her...unconquerable.

"You see it?" Pryan broke Clarke's thoughts. "Your hand in this? How dare Arkadia declare neutrality when you create the means to Polis's destruction?"

"Polis keeps its people safe! Arkadia creates means to protect itself. You cannot shame me into apologizing for what we contribute to global peace and international security when all you have done is spread destruction and claim innocent lives. And for what? Land which is not your own? Freedom from the rule of law?"

"So you will not leave us be?"

"Not while you pillage innocence from cradles and mark insurgence in every territory you claim"

"Pillage innocence?" Pryan barked. "And my sisters? They were innocent too when your Commander bombed our homes with weapons your government provided!"

"We did not create hostile grounds!" Clarke roared back. "You do not see it, do you? We inherited this war. I stand on the side which honors those who have spilled their blood to acquire peace. You stand on the banks of those who would not recognize it if it bit you on the nose."

"Do not lecture me with philosophies"

"Then do not think me stupid, Pryan" Clarke said, a hint of sadness in her voice. "You have lost much in this war. I cannot give you what you want, not when your wounds are too deep to be saved. I can only offer you a chance to stop the bleeding."

Pryan stood from his seat and Luna rose from hers, gun in hand and pointed at his head. He laughed as she was too quick for his own guards who were now paralyzed as Octavia and two soldiers aimed at their heads. He raised his hands and his men relaxed.

"Sanctuary for our families" he said contemplatively. "In exchange for the children we have taken from Arkadia and Polis."

"Yes."

"That is hardly peace"

Clarke placed a hand on Luna's back, asking her to take her seat again.

"It is progress" she noted.

Pryan smirked as he sat back down and only then did Luna moved away from the line of fire.

"Then we are willing to negotiate an exchange"

"Just like that?"

"We will not surrender, of course"

"Minutes ago you did not want to be separated from your families."

"Better separated than have their blood on our hands."

Clarke nodded.

"But only to Arkadia"

"Understood."

"There is still a matter of the prisoners Polis holds"

Clarke sighed.

"Not my jurisdiction."

"Tell the Commander to free our people in exchange for information on Azgeda"

Clarke's gaze narrowed.

"Got your attention?"

"What makes you think she needs your help to gather information?"

"She did send her girlfriend here. Which means she is not at all aware of how close the danger is" Pryan dared. "Someone seemed to have led her to believe she could win this war."

"You underestimate Polis"

"Oh no, not Polis. We could not imagine bringing it down. The Commander, however, is human."

Clarke felt her chest tighten. For a moment, she forgot how to breathe. She told herself she was being taunted. Pryan clearly knows her personal relationship with Lexa. He knew it would be a bargaining chip. He knew he could use it as a means to push her buttons. As she fought off the urge to react to this threat, she realized he was slightly successful in his choice of negotiation tactics.

Pryan knew the right moment when to threaten Lexa's life. And he knew that it was the one thing Clarke cannot ignore -- whether she had the authority to speak for it or not.

"Surrender your weapons to Arkadia in exchange for the prisoners" she offered.

Both Luna and Octavia stole a glance at her. That was not in the speech she had written but never got around to delivering. It was not even in the bullet points of topics she was allowed to discuss.

"I thought you do not speak for Polis?"

"Well, they let me borrow their chairs. Surely, they can lend me their attention for a few minutes."

Pryan pulled back in his seat and whispered to his men.

Clarke turned to Luna who pursed her lips as she tried to read the lips of their counterparts.

"My men, in exchange for the Commander's safety" Pryan offered after conferring with his guards.

Clarke shook her head.

"Even if it meant that I have the name and access to who was tasked to kill her?" Pryan asked. "You aren't in Trikru Tower, Clarke. One would say you are safer than the Commander right now."

Clarke had to think of something more valuable to the rebels than Lexa's life. The problem with that was for her, nothing was more important.

"I will bring the terms back to Polis" she conceded. "I cannot promise more than that."

"Will you make it in time?"

"If you kill her now, what good are these negotiations?" Clarke called his bluff, fighting sensation to throw up. "Once she is harmed all bets are off and you know the full force of Polis will come after you."

"I do not fear their bombs."

"But you have a family who does."

Pryan opened his mouth, enraged at the threat made to his loved ones. Clarke did not bother stopping the twitch on the side of her lips. She has always enjoyed rubbing the upper hand in people's faces. The fact alone that Pryan had agreed to a deal involving sanctuary for his family was the ammunition Clarke needed against him.

It is always easier to beat someone who had something dear to lose.

It was why the Lexa card threw her off, after all.

"Not surrender" Pryan regained. "Not our liberty."

"You waged war against established nations, I think your liberty is entirely yours."

"Of course one who has lived in prosperity would not understand our cause"

"I understand you are committed to it. However ill-fated it might seem."

That was something Clarke had grown to respect in the last few months of her immersion to this reality.

Raven was right. As was Anya.

These were times when one's word counted for a lot.

These were times when one's conviction to the most fleeting of positions matter the most.

"We will agree to a truce with Polis. We will surrender our weapons. We will not step foot in their territory if they promise never to step foot in ours."

Clarke had a feeling all day that this talk will come down to this. She would readily agree, even if it were not up to her. What was stopping her was a little more obvious than her lack of authority.

"The land you claim is not your own."

"It belonged to Polis, you mean?"

"Before you took it and marked it hostile territory."

"And what was it before Polis took it from us centuries ago?"

A history lesson, Clarke wanted to answer.

She had read up on Pryan's ancestry too. Again, she heard Indra in her head. Polis was built by conquerors who profited in wars.

"Your weapons and a truce in exchange for your men" Clarke repeated, careful not to promise land or freedom from the military might of Polis. "I suppose the truce carries with it a vow against any attempts at the Commander's life?"

Pryan nodded.

Clarke did not trust it. She gestured at Octavia who repeated raising her arms up carefully before reaching into her coat once more to take out blank piece of paper and a pen. The soldier behind her handed Pryan a slate lying on the floor.

"How archaic" Pryan mocked as he started to write down the terms of their first deal.

"Says the man who fears Arkadia's technology."

"Arkadia's technology would bring Arkadia its downfall" he replied, stealing a glance at Clarke before continuing to write. "You know the reach of your nuclear weapon, I presume? Should Lexa decide to destroy her enemies, how many of your people will suffer in its wake?"

Clarke chose not to answer. Instead, she urged him to finish writing.

"Would you excuse one of my men? He needs to send word that a deal has been made" Pryan asked without looking up.

Clarke turned to Luna.

"He can send word once the Ambassador has written her part on the paper and you have both signed it."

Pryan smirked but said nothing. He passed the first piece of paper to Clarke before re-writing on second one. Clarke read carefully looking for trap clauses and loopholes but the words were as plain as they can be. She jotted down Arkadia's part of the deal and a few minutes later, they exchanged papers.

She re-wrote on the second piece while Pryan waited for her to finish. They signed their copies and exchanged papers again.

"Now. For the deal I will bring to the Commander" Clarke said. "I remind you that I have no authority. This gesture is a show of good faith."

"Of course."

"It would not be entirely outrageous if the Commander would expect good faith in return."

"I suppose your safe return would not be enough?"

"My safe return holds this deal together."

"Cannot blame a man for trying" Pryan laughed.  "Very well. Do you know a man by the name of Lincoln?"

Clarke tensed up as she heard Octavia had stopped breathing beside her.

"What of Lincoln?"

"He has a second" Pryan said, amused at the change in the atmosphere. "The Commander might want to have his head before he has hers."

Clarke turned to Luna who was was stoic as Octavia was livid. She nodded at her and she took out a different set of papers than the ones Octavia had. These ones have the Commander's seal too.

Pryan started writing again and Clarke placed a hand on Octavia's knee.

Octavia avoided her eyes but did not pull away.

As they repeated the process of drafting the new set of terms, Luna announced that Pryan's guard can now make the call requested earlier. She also signaled for the soldier nearest to her to make a similar phone call.

Once all the papers were signed, Pryan stood up and offered his hand, saying he was looking forward to seeing Clarke again. She shook it and did not saying anything.

"We will make contact with your government" he said as he turned towards the stairs. "I hope you don't mind me leaving ahead? I try to avoid air strikes conducted by your Special Forces."

Clarke ignored the remark but shared a look with Luna. These men will leave here unharmed. She knew there were snipers trained on them as well. She expected Lincoln's men was ready for any assault or rescue -- by air, land or water.

"Call him now" she told Luna the minute Pryan and his men disappeared down the stairs.

Luna reached into her pocket for a small satellite phone while the two soldiers made their way downstairs to make sure that their own descent would be safe.

"O?" Clarke turned to her best friend.

"I'm fine" Octavia assured her. "You were amazing, you know that?"

"I opened talks. That is it. Whether we reach peace is still undecided."

"No one was talking before this, Clarke. Breathe. You did well."

"Lexa does not want to speak at all."

Octavia nodded.

"You know this was too easy, right?"

"You expected hand twisting? More gun pointing? More blackmail?"

Clarke shook her head.

"It was not supposed to be this...calm."

"You said it yourself, you merely opened dialogue. The road to peace will be harder."

"And yet the bargains leading to the road was a little too easily acquired. I feel like I've lost more than I've acquired" Clarke confessed thoughtfully. She could not shake off the feeling that she walked into a trap she did not even know existed.

"You did what you had to do."

"I did what I was specifically told not to."

"No one would be surprised."

They chuckled nervously as Luna exchanged hushed tones into the phone.

"You know who Pryan was talking about?" Clarke asked quietly.

"Yes. This just might break him."

There were no tears there but Clarke could hear the heartbreak in Octavia's voice. The level of concern and affection she has for him nearly knocked Clarke off her feet. She was not one to judge of romance going a little too quickly. She did not even have the right to comment on the propriety of this relationship given Lincoln's and Octavia's respective positions.

But it did bring her a cautious sense of jubilation to realize that her best friend had fallen in love with one of the most honorable people she knows.

"We need to go" Luna interrupted what Clarke was sure was a sappy statement she would have offered her best friend. "We are not the only ones who have this lighthouse scouted."

Octavia ran to the glass windows and gasped. She pushed Clarke to follow Luna down the stairs and as they hurriedly regrouped at the exit, Clarke was met with the reason for Octavia's reaction and Luna's overly protective cover of her.

Across the other side of the river were armed men watching Pryan and his group paddle back to their side of the bridge. Clarke knew they had eyes on her but it was dawning on her that she underestimated their numbers. The forests were lined hints of tanks and armored trucks. Rebels, all heavily covered with heavy ammunition, stood by the riverbed, eyes on her. She could even make out some hidden behind the trees, ready to be reinforcements should one side make the mistake of breaking the terms of a peaceful negotiation.

Lexa did stress on remaining faithful to the contract agreed upon. This must be why.

"Don't worry" Octavia whispered to her as they settled in their boats. "Pryan was not entirely off about the airstrike."

Clarke shuddered for the first time that day. As the soldiers beside her started rowing to their side of the bridge, she tried her best to maintain a dignified front. They cannot see her being afraid of them. More importantly, they cannot be witness to how unwilling she was to have lives laid for her safety.

The first sign of their own reinforcements were waiting as they docked to where the boats were perched before. No less than six soldiers, not all Special Forces but all wearing Polis uniforms, appeared from the trees. She could hear the distant engine from a waiting car. As soon as one soldier helped her off the boat, Luna and Octavia practically jumped to have her covered from the other side's line of fire.

Clarke had just slipped a hand around Octavia's waist after her best friend protectively wrapped an arm around her shoulders when she heard it.

It was one gun shot.

Clarke turned around and caught sight of Pryan's eyes as the panic froze him on the spot where he stood, watching her.

He was safe. At least from where Clarke was, she could tell he was not the one who was shot. The soldier behind her. The one who sat on her left in the boat. He dropped on his knees, his forehead bleeding at the contact of the bullet.

Luna screamed into her radio.

Clarke could not make out what it was as Octavia dragged her out from a rain of bullets aimed at them. She ran as fast as she could, her legs buckling at the pressure of all the soldiers shielding her. She reached for Octavia's hand when she saw the car waiting for them. She remembered what Lexa told her and she pulled Octavia closer to her as she took cover against Luna.

Octavia pushed her in the backseat.

Clarke caught the momentary debate in her eyes. It was a soldier's choice as much as it was a best friend's prerogative. Stay and fight off their attackers or ride with her. It was a split second doubt but Octavia climbed up the car and sat next to her as they pulled away.

Of course it would always be ride with Clarke.

To war. To safety. To hell.

Clarke felt a hand grab her by the back of the neck and pushed her down.

"Stay low" Luna snarled.

Clarke realized that the hand Luna's was gripping her with was wet.

"Are you wounded?" she yelled against the increasing volume of the gunfire.

"Not my blood" Luna answered before yelling at the driver. "Exit plan 3-B and step on it!"

Clarke reached over to examine Luna's hand.

"Stay low!"

"It's a bulletproof car! Now, let me see your hand!"

Luna snarled at her, commenting that she was as infuriating as Lexa, but allowed herself to be examined. Clarke sighed in relief when she saw that the apart from minor scratches on her face, Luna was not hit.

"Okay--" Clarke turned to Octavia. She turned as pale as the face that greeted.

Octavia tried to feign curiosity on why Clarke was looking at her like she was a ghost. It was futile as Clarke's rather experienced eyes found the source of the blood on her gear.

Back of the shoulder.

Octavia was hit on the back of the shoulder and she was losing blood fast.

Clarke reached for the wound and applied pressure against Octavia's colorful choices of curse words. Her free hand fumbled at the cloth Luna handed them as their car maneuvered through ever bump and turn in the forest.

"Hold still" Clarke tearfully told Octavia as she attempted to stop the bleeding.

She was going to reach for another piece of cloth when she saw it.

Three fighter jets speeding across the sky in the opposite direction they were going.

She knew they were not Lexa's. Luna's cursing next to her confirmed as much.

"Why are Arkadian jets here?!"

Luna stared at her, a mixture of menace and sadness on her face.

"They held you hostage, Clarke" she replied. "And they had an entire army waiting for you outside the lighthouse."

"Did you know about this?! Was this a trap?!"

Luna shook her head.

"There were no plans of an air strike. But the Commander had no problems of Arkadian Air Force presence back at Command Center."

Clarke racked her brains. She had seen choppers but no planes. Did Kane hide this from her? Did her mom?

"Do you realize what this means?!" she demanded. "Call Lincoln! Call them off!"

"They shot at us-- it's too late--"

Luna's words were drowned by an explosion behind them. Clarke saw the hummer shadowing and shielding them burst into flames. It tumbled up from the ground, in one heavy metallic fireball, heading just over their heads and landing right in front of their path.

The last thing Clarke remembered was Octavia grabbing her and covering her from the blast.

* * *

 

Heat.

And ear-splitting explosions.

A lot of heat. She could feel the charred smell in the air. She could not breathe. She wanted to move, to check which part of her was saved from the flames and to see if anyone else survived. She could not move. She was pinned on the ground and she could hear voices.

Voices.

Loud voices, scared and urgent. Voices all calling out for her.

Her vision was a blur.

But the heat was constant. She heard the choppers from above them, felt the ground vibrate when they landed and when the footsteps hurried towards where she was pinned. She was sure the car had her stuck to this ticking time bomb.

She heard Octavia’s voice, pained but firm.

Octavia was yelling that she was fine.

Clarke is fine.

Then she saw faceless bodies carrying her.

The heat was gone.

The voices silenced.

A hand held hers and she knew it was her best friend’s.

The faces disappeared and all there was is this vast blackness.

Hollow and cold and…

Ticked.

Clarke ached as she breathed through the heavy throbbing on her chest. She willed herself to open her eyes, desperate to find where the ticking sound came from. It could be a bomb the terrorists planted or it could be their own weapons malfunctioning. She tried pulling herself up from the forest floor only to find the familiar softness of her own mattress and sheets.

The ticking was coming from the clock that hung in her bedroom in Trikru Tower.

Finally, she managed to push through the heaviness of her body and the labor that her lungs were putting her through. She felt herself well up when her vision cleared. That was one of the last thoughts she remembered – she was sure the attack had blinded her.

Her bedroom was empty except for the standard hospital room equipment. She was hooked on an IV but no respirators. No heart machines. No oxygen tanks. She wiggled her toes and said her thanks that from what she can assess, she was not paralyzed.

Which was more than what she can say for the girlfriend sitting on an armchair stationed beside her bed.

Lexa was sitting there, frozen, staring into space with shadowed thoughts and masked eyes. Clarke has seen her in every possible mask she has had to put on and when it is just the two of them, had seen her take each one off. The woman sitting by her bedside wore something different. These were not masks made for a Commander or any leader of a nation. These were not ceremonial armors for eager warriors.

Clarke could not quite figure out what Lexa was wearing. Only that there is a menace there. A hooded taste of something so dreadful, she was paralyzed in her thoughts.

“Hey you…”

Lexa jumped from her chair, trance effectively broken. She stared for a second, with a million thoughts racing through her now unveiled eyes and greeted Clarke’s lips with a kiss. She could feel Lexa’s desperation flow along with the swollen sensation on one side of her mouth.

“I guess…the offer of moving in was taken off the table” she joked when Lexa finally let go of her.

“I thought you wanted to wake up one last time to this bedroom before I lock you up in mine”

Clarke wondered how much of that was meant and how much was Lexa’s own humor taking center stage.

“Octavia?”

“She’s fine” Lexa assured her. “The gunshot wound was a clean tear and the impact from the explosion was minimal. You both missed that fire by a miracle. She has a concussion. As do you. And she has few stitches on her shoulders. She has bruised ribs to match yours. She wanted to come see you when she woke up.”

“How long..?”

“Her? A day. You, almost two now”

Clarke directed her aching neck at the balcony to catch sight of the evening.

“Luna? The team?”

Lexa sighed.

“Luna has a dislocated shoulder and a slightly more severe concussion but nothing she has not already suffered through. Part of her arm was slightly burned. Your mother already sent the best surgeons from Arkadia. She should make a full-recovery in a few weeks.”

“The soldiers?”

Lexa looked away.

“How many died?”

“We recovered four bodies”

“Recovered?”

Lexa pulled her chair closer to the bed and stroked Clarke’s hair, asking her to rest. Clarke wanted to know the details. She would not find peaceful sleep otherwise.

“Pryan’s men made contact. They have some of our soldiers. They are arranging for an exchange. Prisoners for soldiers.”

“The terms of the deal—“

“Do not stand.”

“They attacked first…”

Lexa shook her head, sadly. She ran the back of her hand caressingly on Clarke’s cheek. She did not look like she wanted to have this conversation. Clarke could tell that she was already thinking of a way to deflect.

“I remember the planes”

“Clarke, you need to rest.”

“Were they…? Were they Arkadian?”

“Babe—“

“You only call me that—“

“When I have bad news” Lexa finished. “I am sorry. Yes, they were.”

Clarke stirred.

“Did my people attack first? Is that why they shot at us?”

Lexa nodded slowly.

“Why? How?”

“Poor communication” Lexa guessed. “To be fair, they were surprised by the satellite feed’s revelation of how many men and how heavy the arsenal which were aimed at you.”

“So my mom called for the strike?”

“Pike”

Clarke felt dizzy at the name.

“How--? I thought you already talked to her?”

“I was late” Lexa admitted.

Clarke reached for her hand quickly, ignorning the pain from her ribs.

“Oh, baby…it’s not your fault”

“Maybe not but it is mine to fix”

Clarke was about to ask what she meant when there was a quiet knock on the door. Lexa called out her permission and Anya, Indra and Ontari piled in along with a few of Anya’s men.

“Ah” Anya sighed in relief when she realized Clarke was awake. “Good sleep?”

“Terrible dreams” Clarke replied.

Anya smiled at her and Clarke felt a rare source of warmth from her.

“Commander, we are sorry to intrude” Indra addressed Lexa after she assessed Clarke’s condition from afar. “But we need to decide on a plan of action. For the border, for Trihaven and for the Cold Mountains.”

“Not to mention we await Clarke’s statement on what happened” Ontari pointed out.

Lexa shot her death stare.

“What statement?” Clarke asked her girlfriend.

“It is all over the news. At the moment, there has been no official word on why you were even there” Ontari answered her. “Your mother has released a statement asking from prayers and support. She pled for privacy and that she would address the matter as soon as you are clear of medical danger.”

“What do I need a statement for?”

Anya silently urged Lexa not to respond just yet.

“We would need a reason why you were there, Clarke” she said. “Why you were attacked is one thing. It is an entirely different matter why you were even exposed to being attacked.”

“She does not have to decide anything now” Lexa warned. “You can talk to your mother—“

“She named me Ambassador” Clarke interrupted. “We can release my statement now. The one of support for Polis. Remember? We can officially put it out there now.”

“No”

“What do you mean?”

Lexa warned her with a look.

“Lexa—“

“No.”

“Why not?” she asked weakly, both because she knew she would lose this argument and her mind was finally catching up with how beaten up her body is.

“Because you have just been shot at! You were part of an explosion. You barely survived. We are lucky your injuries are relatively minor. Do you honestly want your first statement after surviving being unconsciously transported back to Polis one declaring war upon the very people you were trying to negotiate with?” Lexa’s calm voice shook in anger. “I just got you back. The only statement you will be making is that you are awake!”

Clarke gulped.

That was what she saw when she first stirred to consciousness.

Lexa was imagining a life where she had lost Clarke.

“I—“ Clarke started but somehow she knew an apology would not be enough. “You’re right. No decisions tonight. No statements other that I am awake…and eager to spend time with my loved ones as I recover”

Anya nodded and looked at Ontari to stand down.

“We will send out just that”

“But…maybe Anya can have a look at what I wrote?”

Lexa grumbled from her seat.

“No one is publishing it” Clarke quickly amended. “But should it be decided that I can be vocal about my support, at least there is a statement ready.”

Lexa ignored her, choosing instead to inquire regarding other pressing matters.

“I need orders on how to address the ongoing fight at the Cold Mountains” Ontari stated. “We haven’t lost much ground but we can only stall for too long.”

“Full force” Lexa ordered.

Ontari stole a glance at Indra to make sure she heard it right. Lexa icily asked if she was being doubted.

“Of course not, Commander. Excuse me, I have a battle to get to”

Ontari hurriedly left the room and Anya and Indra exchanged debating looks on who should speak next.

“Are they ready?” Lexa asked without looking at the two of them.

Clarke frowned, unsure of what they were talking about. She tried sitting up in but the throbbing in her head made it impossible. She would have to keep up with this conversation lying down.

“Send the Shadow Squad first” Lexa ordered. “Once they secured the packages, you can launch the night arrows”

“What are the night arrows?” Clarke asked.

“Understand that I have already stalled from rescuing my men” Lexa reminded her.

“So...you’re sending arrows?”

“Night arrows are stealth planes akin to remotely controlled drones” Indra explained. “They specialize in dark assaults. They create very little fanfare as they shoot tiny missiles from the sky. More damage, less…alarm.”

“I thought you were rescuing your men?”

“And yours” Anya said quietly. “Your planes were brought down but your pilots are still alive. Wounded but apparently alive”

“Aerial assault is still contrary to a rescue mission.”

Lexa stood up from her seat and walked to door. She held it open for Indra and Anya.

“Shadow Squad first. Wake me when they are in position” she told Indra.

“Wait” Clarke called out. “Are you attacking the camp?”

Anya closed her eyes and Indra turned to Lexa for permission to answer.

“You can’t attack the camp. It goes against everything we’ve tried to accomplish here. My mom—even if we have people there—she would never sanction it.”

Lexa gestured for her generals to exit.

“Lexa” Clarke complained.

“The Chancellor will understand” Lexa said silently after she slammed the door shut. “Her daughter was nearly killed. Even her principles would not contest that”

“And the international community?”

“Will have to live with it.”

“No— They will criticize you. Please. Let me—Let me make this right. I still have the agreement—I mean, surely, that was recovered from the explosion”

“You are not going to solve this with scraps of paper, Clarke”

“Not if you’re steam rolling—“

Lexa slammed her knife on Clarke’s desk.

Clarke caught her words and silenced herself as she watched Lexa contain her raging.

“You and I? We do not do this” Lexa growled as she made her way to her seat by the bed. She pressed her palms together, leaned her elbows on her lap, and breathed into her hands like she was praying.

Clarke shook from the intensity of whatever Lexa was bottling into calm words.

“The scheming and the agenda go out the door” she continued. Clarke heard authority in the waves of a threatening break in her girlfriend’s voice. “You leave that at the gate. Or throw it in the fire. I do not care where. But not here. Politics will not be on this bed – any bed - with us otherwise this will not work. We do not fight about politics.”

Clarke exhaled slowly. Her ribs were really starting to make their bruised presence felt but they were not what made breathing carefully. She was nervous of where Lexa’s mind was at.

“Yes, we do” she said, gently reaching for Lexa’s hand. She exhaled slowly again, this time with a small bout of relief that her girlfriend did pull away from the contact. “It’s literally a trademark of this relationship and you know what, I’ve grown to accept it.”

“Clarke, do not make light of this.”

“There will always be things between us, Lexa. We hash it out, we go to bed and then we do what we can in the morning. That is us”

“No.”

“Lexa—“

“No more of it, Clarke.”

“It will still be an issue tomorrow.”

Lexa shook her head violently, her eyes were a concoction of pain and desperation.

“Then let it be an issue tomorrow! We are not doing this. Not while you are lying in bed, recovering from an attack I was not prepared for!”

“Babe, no one thought Arkadia would launch an attack” Clarke soothed. There is no blame to be had, only more damage to be done. She wanted that clear and she wanted her condition off of Lexa’s conscience. “You were right to delay response.”

“And you are wrong to ask for your statement of support to be published. Having Anya look at it? Do you honestly think she would disobey me?”

Clarke shook her head.

“She has a better perspective in this than the both of us. Neither you nor me are quite objective right now—“

“Damn it, Clarke! Enough of this!”

Clarke heard the break in Lexa’s voice. The fullness of her volume and the strength of her assertion were no match for the frustratingly burgeoning summit of her fears.

“Hey…come here…” Clarke reached for Lexa and pulled her to sit on the bed with her. “I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry. I’m here…you didn’t—I’m here, babe.”

“We are done with that kind of relationship” Lexa told her in a firm but fragile whisper. She faced Clarke with a crystal gaze, the loom of a misty storm just being put on hold by her seemingly infinite strength to keep herself emotionally in-check.

“You want to hash it out? Office. When you are up and about. Not here. Not in bed. This is the only place on this planet that is just you and me. I will not have it tainted by this war.”

“Okay.”

“We have lived that life, Clarke. You said it yourself. That is how we die. That will not be how we live.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That is it?”

“Yes, Lexa. That’s it.”

Clarke kissed Lexa’s knuckles. She understood what Lexa must have felt like.

To love her -- Clarke Griffin, Arkadia’s daughter – the Commander of Blood needed courage. And at this moment, loving Lexa requires the same thing too. But making this work required more than just being brave in the face of overwhelming adversity.

This relationship demands of a commitment so strong it can never waver when compromise is called upon it.

Commitment. Compromise. Covenant.

“This is the last conversation we are going to have about this. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise me”

Clarke shifted in bed.

“What now?” Lexa asked pointedly.

“Are you going to attack?”

“I am sending a rescue team”

Clarke recognized the careful dodging of terms.

“How about the innocent people in that camp?”

“I am not sending my men to kill innocent people, Clarke. I'm sending them to rescue your foolish ones”

“With a kill order? At night? You are the most honorable person I know. This is not—it is not right.”

“I have already decided against a retaliation for what they did to you. Soldiers died Clarke. My soldiers. What would you have me do?”

“Wait until--“

“No amount of preparation is ever enough. At one point, we are going to have to move. Right or wrong, we have to move otherwise we lose everything by inaction and that is a regret far greater than killing the wrong man.”

“You will willingly kill men without being sure of their guilt?”

“I am sure of their guilt!” Lexa stressed through clenched teeth.

“And those who had no part in it?”

“I am willing to kill in order to save the innocent ones. That is how this works”

Clarke exhaled against the sharpness on her ribs.

“I don't know how I can live with this” she admitted, her mind racing to all those who will get caught in the crossfire.

“It is my decision. I live with it.”

“And I live with you.”

“So long as you choose it.”

Clarke frowned at her, tears running dry on her face. Lexa stood up and waited if she had anything more to say. This argument was over and she knew that by tomorrow, she would have to honor what Lexa asked. The bedroom was not a place for politics. And their relationship should have never been an arena to for power plays. She would have to think of a way to prove her point that they achieve nothing if they attack under the ruse of a rescue mission.

For now, however, Lexa was right.

She was still recovering from attacks against her life. Soldiers did die. Her best friend was shot. No matter what prompted the failure of the negotiations, the reality was lives were claimed. And hers was remarkably close to have been lost.

Clarke met Lexa’s eyes.

She saw it for the first time that evening.

Pain.

The kind that a voice can hide even with a crack but eyes which love can never lie about.

A tear traced the dried tracks on her face.

Lexa had said that she makes her strong. But the torture she had put her through was unforgivable.

“I promise” she said. “This is the last fight we’ll have about this.”

Lexa pursed her lips.

Clarke edged towards her usual side of the bed, patting the empty space beside her. Lexa raised an eyebrow curiously.

There were no words for it, really. Clarke could easily say what was already obvious. This was a shared life. She could respond to a statement that Lexa made more for emphasis rather than a question. She does choose this life. She could even tell her she loves her again.

Because she does.

Clarke pulled the covers out and tilted her head invitingly.

Of course she does, she said with a look.

Lexa pulled off her running shoes slowly before taking her hoodie off. She slipped into bed carefully but did not reach for Clarke. She leaned against the headboard, hand placed delicately on the covers her girlfriend tried to tuck her into.

Clarke stared up at. She wanted to sit up but her ribs were still gnawing at her. She gently caressed Lexa’s chin, pulling it down gently to face her.

“You’re so grumpy” she teased with a cautious and apologetic smile.

“I am yours” Lexa told her with mighty fidelity.

Clarke nodded gratefully, at the same time, trying to convey how sorry she was for putting Lexa through this mess. She knew if it were the other way around, she probably would have lost it by now. She barely managed to contain mental breakdown at the mere thought of Pryan threatening Lexa’s life. That was something she needed to warn her about. She looked up to talk to her about it but there was a plea in her girlfriend’s eyes.

In this room. In any room they share, it was just the two of them.

The world can no longer partake it in.

Clarke smiled as she tugged on Lexa and she obliged.

Lexa slid down next to her and opened her arm so Clarke can cuddle into her.

“I know it is not enough” Clarke whispered once she settled in Lexa’s embrace. “But I really do love you, you know? I truly do.”

Lexa chuckled as she kissed her on the head.

“And I really did say it first” she replied quietly.

Clarke would have argued the technicalities of it but she led herself to believe that they have a lifetime to do that. Lexa was determined to see this war through. So is Arkadia.

And her?

Well, she has chosen.

This was the life she had pledged herself to. Deep down, she knew there will be other arguments. She knew there were a million things she and Lexa will disagree on. She knew there might be as much fights as there will be cuddles and make-up sex.

But this her life now.

And the implications are there.

The choices. The sacrifices.

This bed.

_This is a shared life. And she does so chooses._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait. This last month has really pushed me to a place which required me to take a few things more seriously and get some work stuff in order before I may return to writing this. I revised this chapter at the minimum of four times and I hope I made the right calls. I did not want to upload it just yet but I have already deferred for as long as I can, waiting for a better way to present things. I apologize if it is not what most of you have expected. I think it is the best choice moving the story forward this way but I will understant, truly, if it is not what you like. I hope to redeem myself in the next update. As always, share your thoughts with me. I encourage, ask and welcome all comments. Thank you very much.


	16. Ascendancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a struggle for someone who had always been born to power and had grown up wielding her advantages to her favor, to learn that the success of a relationship may not necessarily call for one person to hold more power than the other. And while that relationship prospers, striking a balance rooted on affections and respect, the heights upon which a powerful figure was born into would call for a sacrifice that is sure to shake the strongest of foundations.
> 
> Lexa may have to learn these truths the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I waited for summer.

(Lexa’s POV)

_“The heights upon which you are born bring you power worthy only of your blood, the perks of which require your sacrifice on every turn. There are wonders which cradle these heights, ones you should never surrender. And in your greatest fights, you will find that your birth right cradles your very bane. There is a reason why they will call you the Commander of Blood. They will herald you. They will bleed for you, die for you and the time will come when such loyalty must be paid with a price only you can spill.”_

Lexa heard the words again. She could see them written down on the parcel of paper safely tucked in her pocket. It was odd, realized that she had not returned it in her safe. More proof that the smallest of things are falling into cracks.

She had taken a few minutes to herself earlier that night. Maybe a minute too long. She needed to breathe and more than ever, only the rooftop of her tower offered her the solace.

The heights upon which she was born into.

She could see most of Polis from where she had climb. The breeze, fresh as the promise of spring, chilled her but not enough to make her cower back into the hustle of politics inside. The tower was particularly buzzing tonight but up here, there was too much quiet entirely that the words sing to her.

A requiem.

For the dead. For the bloodshed. For the lives she had taken. For the lives taken for her.

For the blood spilled on her word, on her name…on her power.

The city was starting to fall asleep. The black wind of the night was a cradle, a small comfort of safety from all that haunt the entire nation’s borders. And here she was, their leader and protector, retreating into a moment’s reprieve from all that her birthright ask of her.

Lexa heard the door open and close from the deck below her. She did not need to ask who it was. There was only one other person who needed the roof to escape to and it was the only person who dared borrowed it as well.

They did not talk. Lexa stayed where she was, taking in the sights and sounds of a tired day. She loved the fact that they get to share this together. They were there for different reasons. Sure, they would talk about it later but it was a form of sanctuary too – the space they give each other. The last couple of days were a haunting prison of its own kind and as much as there was not one moment she would spend with anyone else, a shared silence was due.

She eventually climbed down from the highest slope of the rooftop and jumped onto the deck where Clarke was leaning by the door, hand delicate on one side of her ribcage. Lexa took her free hand and they walked together in silence.

Towards a short peaceful slumber.

Sleep was a demanded sacrifice on every turn.

Lexa brought herself back to where she now sat. She zipped up the jacket she had on over her sweats. She stole a glance at the wall clock that read time in Arkadia. It was midnight on that part of the world and she had just gotten two hours of undisturbed sleep until the now nightly knock on her door woke her up.

It had been two weeks since Clarke came back from her peace mission. It has been two weeks since she allowed Anya to go to Raven to make sure everything was still as it should be. One week later Anya called in to report that they should move Raven’s location. At present, Lexa stared at her second-in-command, sitting on her right hand, fresh from her return trip.

Anya shook her head as she turned back on the satellite images they were presented with.

The borders of one of Arkadia’s major cities are burning.

She had a small military base in that city.

Lexa waved a finger and one of her generals called out the orders to their Air Base nearest Arkadia. It felt like she wakes up in the middle of the night, every night, only to send out fighter jets. She wanted to believe that she was putting out flames but she knew she was only adding to the fire. The fighter jets would be followed by a rescue team in a couple of hours.

But it was never a rescue. It was always a retrieval of bodies.

Ever since she had gone against Clarke’s pleas two weeks ago, it has been a back-and-forth of blasts from all fronts. She had lost more men in the last week alone than she had in her entire reign as Commander. And Arkadia was haemorrhaging funds, manpower and solutions. She cranked her neck at Secretary Kane standing behind Anya, staring in horror at the sights of war.

Lexa asked him what he wanted to do with the women and children literally waiting by the borders of Arkadia’s capital city. They were, after all, there because of a promise the Chancellor’s daughter made. They are unarmed, unfed and unwelcomed.

But Clarke gave her word and Lexa no longer had it in her to fight with her girlfriend. Not when she was recovering from being bombed at, not when she was officially named Ambassador to Polis, not when they have an Alliance Summit in a few days and not when everything in their relationship seemed to have smoothened out.

Clarke had reminded her over dinner last night that there was no point to say “I told you so.” It was one of Clarke’s very minimal concessions. She had admitted to being wrong and conceded that Lexa was Commander for reason.

The Commander of Blood has yet to look at the face of defeat and cower.

The heights upon which she was born into bring unimaginable power, after all.

Ascendancy.

That was the word Clarke Griffin used to describe her girlfriend’s scariest quality.

Lexa found it redundant. She already knew her place in the world. She already knew all that she is capable of making happen. She already knew that when the war eventually comes for them, she had everything in her to win. Clarke, on the other hand, still looked for her answers. And she looks for them in her undiminished idealism of humanity.

In that regard, Lexa knew that her girlfriend had the advantage over her. So she allowed the word. And she did not comment on Clarke’s suggestion that there was no ascendancy in their relationship. No one was more in control than the other. Not when it is just the two of them, behind closed doors and shared beds.

Lexa erased the image of Clarke sleeping peacefully in their bed just before she had to leave her for the War Room. She will have to explain all this to her tomorrow and surely, come morning, reports will fly to Clarke’s newly-installed desk. The decision, however, lies in Kane’s hands tonight.

“Temporary asylum” the Secretary from Arkadia decided after the most tensed silence in the War Room that night.

Lexa sighed sharply but did not contradict. She gave the nod at one of her generals and asked for Anya to get some rest. There will be a lot of cleaning up in a couple of hours and when the international media gets hold of the footage of whose fighter jets were in Arkadian airspace, she would be getting calls from both allies and neutrals.

Neutrals.

As if there was such a thing in war.

Anya walked Lexa back to her bedroom but did not say anything. Lexa knew that the only person more exhausted than she was is her. She gave her a grateful smile before pouring herself a shot of whiskey she would never actually drink. She sat on her bedroom desk, playing with her glass when she heard Clarke stir in bed.

It was nothing new.

Every night, they go through it. Clarke wakes up to an empty bed. Most of the time, Lexa would have been back by then. Other nights, Clarke had to struggle out of bed, peek her head out of the room and inquire where the Commander had gone.

Tonight, Clarke knew something was worse than usual.

"What was it about?" she asked through the dark.

Lexa would have to stall. She did not yet know just how Kane’s decisions would be received by her own generals. And the initial reports from her soldiers was that there were very few civilians in the last site. But that only meant that those were still numbers Clarke would be concerned about.

"It can wait" Lexa replied, setting her untouched drink down on her desk.

"Are you coming back to bed?"

Lexa nodded, took off her jacket and crawled slowly towards her. She carefully pulled Clarke into an embrace, aware that bruised ribs do not heal that easily. She kissed the top of her head and almost absentmindedly ran her fingers up and down Clarke’s arm.

“Was it bad?” she asked in a steady whisper.

Clarke nodded and Lexa kissed her head again.

“I am sorry I was not here when you had it.”

The dreams have gotten worse ever since Clarke woke up from being attacked. She had confessed just two nights ago that her nightmares show her images of Lexa in flames after losing this war.

“I am here now” Lexa promised her in the dark.

Clarke looked up to her and in the faintest of shadows realized that maybe her dreams were not the most monstrous thing that has happened tonight.

"You're not okay” she said, pulling Lexa’s chin down to make her face her. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Lexa kissed her lips as a reprimand and as a thank you. But she had no helpful answers right now.

"I am fine where I am."

Clarke gave her a testing look but settled in her chest quietly.

Lexa held her until she fell back to sleep before leaving the bed again. Her own mind was too noisy to go back to sleep now. She made her way down to the basement training floors and found Anya already halfway through annihilating a punching bag. They gave each other one look but did not say anything. Lexa joined her in warming up and it was the most silence they have ever shared with each other. By the time they made it to sparring, she could feel her throat running dry.

Anya knew what Lexa needed. A good fight and they went three rounds of one of their more brutal sparring sessions.

“Best of five?” Lexa asked when she helped Anya up to her feet.

“Take your win, Commander” Anya said with a wry smile. She took away the sword in Lexa’s hand. “And you are bleeding.”

Lexa glanced down the side of her upper rib. It was nothing serious. At most, it was just a graze but she knew Clarke would make a big deal out of it. She sighed and accepted the plaster Anya took out from a nearby kit.

“What did the reports say?” she asked when they had both cooled down.

“Most of our soldiers are accounted for. Their orders arrived on time for them to execute a plan. The other survivors were transported to the nearest Arkadian hospital.”

“Are they going to make it?”

Anya shrugged.

“What are you not telling me?”

“They were already sick even before the raid.”

Lexa closed her eyes. She never had any respect for enemies who turned to poison. In her book, it was a convenient cheating strategy. But this was war and even if she had agreed to articles, she was the first person to acknowledge that they never amount to anything. That was not how you win.

“Keep me updated” she said, getting up and slamming the door behind her.

She knew she was already well behind schedule that morning but before she could get anything done, she needed to tell the news to her girlfriend first. It was a struggle to be the first to break bad news to Clarke when lately she has had more time to catch up with international politics while she recovered from her injuries.

“Good morning” Clarke greeted her as soon as she came in the bedroom.

Lexa stopped on her tracks and eyed her girlfriend sitting on their bed with bowl of cereal in her hands and the cheekiest grin on her face. She suppressed a comment and an uncomfortable laugh by clearing her throat weakly before heading towards her desk. She heard Clarke giggle under her breath.

“Breakfast, babe?”

Lexa shook her head and eyed Clarke again. She bit her tongue to stop herself from saying what she knew was a rather petty point. She took off her shirt and walked straight to the bathroom only to come back out again. Clarke was already holding her sides from hurting as she stopped herself from laughing. Lexa tried to ignore her and tossed the breakfast tray on the bed, turning red when Clarke gave her a quizzical stare down.

 “I did not say anything.”

“You hate it when I eat cereals in bed!” Clarke chuckled, setting her bowl on the try. “You’re dying right now because you don’t want to tell me off.”

Lexa blinked at her, conveying her burgeoning annoyance.

“I don’t get it” Clarke said, getting out of bed slowly and following her into the bathroom. “We have breakfast in bed all the time but cereals, you all but convulsed.”

Lexa sighed at how Clarke was in one of those moods. She knew it was probably just her way of easing into what she suspected would be a dark day for the both of them. Aside from that, it was always apparent when Clarke was trying to keep her thoughts away from the horrors of the previous night because she ends up waking up as her inner child other than the political machine that she had grown to be.

“I did not say anything” Lexa asserted before shutting the glass door of the shower compartment in the bathroom.

Through the fog, she could see her girlfriend’s outline leaning by the doorway. She was going to have to tell her that the families of the men who tried to kill her have fled seeking sanctuary in Arkadia. She was going to have to tell her that last night, she ordered another air strike team just to stop their enemies from setting up fort in Arkadian territory. And at some point, she would have to admit that by doing so, blood of Clarke’s own people were spilled.

It baffled Lexa why she still gets so nervous of the prospect of telling Clarke something she did not regret. Clarke used to always ask if there was another way or if they had the power to turn back time, would she have made a different decision. She would always answer that she always made the best option available to her and that she has yet to regret anything she had decided upon. Now should not be any different. She was, after all, the Commander of Blood telling the Arkadian Ambassador official war matters.

Except that she was in the shower naked and the Ambassador just woke up from their shared bed, eating a bowl of cereals as she waited for her to finish bathing.

Lexa turned the water off and found that Clarke had gone back to the room. She took her time to dress up, mentally rehearsing the pieces of information she was going to start their day with.

“So what happened last night?” Clarke asked as soon as Lexa stepped out of the bathroom. She had resumed her original spot and was munching down her newly refilled cereal bowl.

Lexa eyed the box of cereals on the bedside table, snatched it gently and set it on their mini breakfast spread before going back to sit on the bed.

“I sent a strike team to Arkadia last night. There was a raid in one of your bigger cities just by the border. I was told that your mother already had that area evacuated days ago but I knew there were still soldiers being stationed there in anticipation of this attack.”

Clarke set her spoon down and Lexa reached over quickly, slipping a table napkin on the bed. If it were any other instance, Clarke would have teased her about it with rather creative metaphors all ending in a pseudo-joke on this being the reason why she has yet to move in all her stuff to the master bedroom.

“There is more” Lexa continued, trying to read the million questions flickering in Clarke’s eyes. “There were survivors. I am sure they will have a report for you downstairs but you should know ahead of time. They were poisoned.”

“Do we know—“

“Not yet.”

Clarke’s back slumped and she winced in pain. She rubbed her ribs gently, before turning apologetically to Lexa.

“I promise, it’s fine” she said, remembering that they had a small argument yesterday about over exertion.

“And one last thing” Lexa said carefully. “Women and children have turned up at the gates of your capital. They came with a white flag and a request for asylum.”

Clarke’s eyes widened.

 “Does Kane know?”

“He was in the War Room with me last night.”

“He was?” Clarke asked, the pitch of her voice reaching a fever high.

“Please be a little more startled, love. I cannot seem to hear your utter disbelief from this side of the bed.”

Clarke smirked before smiling warmly at her. She leaned over her breakfast and captured her girlfriend’s lips for an overdue good morning greeting. Lexa smiled into the kiss, almost hungrily clutching on Clarke’s hair before pulling away hesitantly. She kissed her on the cheek and helped her sit back down.

“You trust him enough?” Clarke asked her with a raised eyebrow.

“It is not my city being invaded. Indra had already asked if he may join us. If she trusted him, then I extend the courtesy.”

“Was he there when you ordered the strike?”

Lexa nodded, standing up from the bed.

“He was already there about another concern. It was late and reading about it would not have given him enough information to proceed.”

“Proceed with what?”

“Proceed with how to deal with the prisoners.”

“I thought you said they were all women and children?”

Lexa nodded tentatively. She stood up from bed and looked for the files she had brought up with her from the War Room.

“Lexa, you do remember the deal I brokered with the rebels?”

“Terrorists” she corrected Clarke from her desk. “It is time you start viewing them as more than oppressed and principled men, Clarke.”

“I said their families can seek asylum”

“I would think them bombing Arkadia’s First Daughter would put that deal to nullity.”

“We bombed back.”

“I bombed back. Your Secretary Pike bombed first. Either way, I advised Secretary Kane to have your guests vetted first.”

She looked up from scanning her files when Clarke’s silence lingered longer than she would have wanted. She knew what kind of reaction she would receive from her girlfriend. She wondered if the blank look on Clarke’s face is an indication that the new Arkadian Ambassador was feeling the same way.

“You disapprove.”

“Do raise your level of shock, babe” Clarke mirrored her earlier tone. ”I can’t hear it from this side of the room.”

Lexa smirked.

“What did Kane say?”

“They will be vetted but will have a temporary grant of refugee status.”

Clarke sighed a breath of relief before stirring her bowl absentmindedly, her eyes on Lexa.

“I have a trade meeting this morning and I have to leave the tower after. I have not re-checked the schedule so I do not know what time I will get back. It is not a tight security concern therefore I could still call you later. I am sure you can spare me the Summit preparation questions until I get return?” Lexa rambled. “Are you going to wait for me at dinner?”

She met her Clarke’s eyes and realized that while her gaze on her was intense, she may not have heard a word she said.

“Clarke? Clarke?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You didn’t not argue with Kane? And you’re not giving me a lecture.”

Lexa stopped herself from rolling her eyes. She stacked her files on the table and called for one of her guards to carry them out. When he left, Clarke was still staring at her, unsure of why there was this glitch to how they usually handle matters.

“I cannot ask you to turn off your humanity in my own selfish attempt to save it.”

Clarke smiled at her gratefully, her eyes sparkling with a mixture of overwhelming fondness and suspicious guilt.

“You’re not selfish, babe. But thank you.”

Lexa gave a curt nod.

“Are you done eating in bed yet?”

Clarke snorted loudly and Lexa finally rolled her eyes at her.

“I’ll have a late day. Octavia is dropping by later to read me my schedule.”

“How is she handling the two roles as your personal guard and your executive assistant?”

“You’d be surprised how much she’s enjoying nagging me about my newfound duties.”

“And her brother?”

Clarke shrugged like she still did not get the point of Lexa asking her every morning how Bellamy was doing ever since he arrived at Polis.

“So far, so good. I do miss Luna though. She was better at not being obnoxiously present every corner my eye turns to.”

“She should be back to full strength in a few weeks or so. Until then, Ambassador, indoors.”

Lexa saw the look Clarke had on her face when she nodded. If there was anything she was sure of about her girlfriend, it is that she hates being confined to doing nothing when literally everything was happening in the world. She decided to ignore it as she cradled Clarke’s face before kissing her goodbye. Clarke crinkled her nose and pulled Lexa down to deepen their kiss.

“You have a long day” she explained when Lexa gave her a questioning look. “Long day, long kisses.”

Lexa knew she was blushing and turned away quickly. She stopped by the door when she remembered there was another concern she forgot to bring up.

"I saw your doctors arriving this morning”

“Where?”

“I was up early fighting with Anya. They were coming in when we passed."

"So that's where you were” Clarke said thoughtfully. She hummed like it pleased her to have linked in a puzzle piece missing from her mind. “I was wondering when you'd go back to sparring again. That’s cool. At least now I know I didn’t break you.”

“You say the most ridiculous things. They are here for what?”

“Few more check-ups and examinations before they can clear me for travel."

"Travel."

"Mhmm.”

Lexa dropped her hand from the door knob and cleared her throat, demanding where on earth could Clarke possibly be going when most of the world was in active war.

“Apparently there is real work after you've been confirmed as Ambassador. Like I said, Octavia enjoys reminding me."

"And it involves travel?"

"Within the country, babe. Try not to pull a muscle."

“You just nodded when I said to remain indoors.”

“There should be a roof over my head, I think”

Lexa half-groaned, half-roared inwardly. She immediately regretted it. She should have just left the room as soon as she finished kissing Clarke. Now, she had just opened them up for a conversation she had been putting off since Clarke started taking on the work her mother had given her.

"What is it, Lexa?" Clarke asked seriously.

Lexa leaned on the door.

"Are you putting your life on hold?"

What she really wanted to ask was if Clarke was just hell-bent on killing herself. But that would start a fight and considering they finally are at a point in their relationship where that is just not an option, she recused herself from going ten paces backward.

"What got you there?" Clarke frowned.

"I just thought—graduation soon and—You said you would go through with Medical School- You promised---“ Lexa sighed when she found the growing frown on Clarke’s face. “Nevermind, baby. I trust you"

Clarke rewarded her with an honest smile but they both know that Lexa just tripped over one of her tells.

"I will not be a prop, Lexa. My mother gave me the position, you confirmed me, and I will do my job. Med School will still be there. I already got accepted and I’ve committed."

"Of course."

“I suppose you wanted proof?”

Lexa crossed her arms, challenging Clarke.

“I have not put my life on hold, Lex” Clarke whined. “I promise.”

“I believe you”

“No, you don’t.”

“Well. You were offering me proof just a second ago. Might I see it then?”

“The what?”

Lexa shrugged.

“I do not know? A letter of commitment? An early enrolment form?”

“I already told you I passed on early admission” Clarke sighed exasperatedly. “But believe me when I say that I have thought beyond this war and this new job of mine.”

Lexa blinked at her.

“Fine. You are seriously the most stubborn creature on this planet” Clarke lamented before turning a shade of whimsical that truly captivated Lexa. “We will spend this summer together. I will even let you plan on the destination as long as it’s tropical—“

“What are you--? Clarke there is a war going on.”

“Whose plans are being laid out again?”

“Yours” Lexa huffed. “I did not actually mean your daydreams, my love.”

“Oh, hush. I will show you which one of us actually looks beyond all this bombing and deaths and…prophecies.”

She stared pointedly at Lexa, who had no choice but to allow her to list down all that she had conjured of their future together.

“We will spend the summer together” Clarke picked up, animatedly. “We can go away for -- at most a week? I don’t know what our schedules will permit but we will make it happen. The whole summer, you and me. Then at Fall, should the fighting have at least calmed the fuck down, I will consider starting school. Just as long – as, yes, babe let me finish – the death threats and assassination attempts have been contained. Where might I go you will ask? At Arkadia’s top medical university.”

Lexa gave her single nod. She hid the fact that this was all she wanted to hear. She knew that there was more to this planned out future. She smiled, humouring her as though she did not enjoy this particular activity. It was a lie. Lexa could stay in there forever and just listen to Clarke plan out their lives.

“Now, obviously I won’t have much time to travel while in Med School so you will have to come up with reasons to visit Arkadia more often. Unless you want to miss me, which is also not a problem.”

“Of course.”

“Christmas, you will spend in Arkadia and before you complain, babe, might I remind you that you barely celebrate it here, anyway. New Year’s, you can pick where we spend it.”

“But we spend it together, naturally” Lexa asked seriously, the side of her lip twitching.

“Don’t you dare mock me” Clarke threatened to pour cereal on the bed until Lexa surrendered an adoring smile. “Okay… Now. Where was I? Ah, yes. I would assume the next time we see each other would be Spring Break. I get to pick where we’re going. But I’m telling you now, it might end up being a nerdy trip because I would want to avoid the usual college spots. I might be bringing study materials with me. I might drag you to museums and art shows. Then at the end of term… I will spend the summer here.”

“A full circle.”

“Mhmm. I will volunteer in the hospitals here during all my summers in Med School and you will find a way to lessen your travels during that time. Also, you get the honor of picking all our summer travels.”

“And you have mapped this out into a…four year plan?”

“I can always graduate early but with the constant threats to my life, I hardly think the journey will be as smooth as I imagined it to be.”

Lexa nodded silently. She liked the picture Clarke painted and she was already thinking of all the ways she could surprise her. She would make impromptu trips to Arkadia or send care packages to Clarke’s apartment. She might even throw her an end of term party for her. She already had ideas of all the different kinds of flower arrangements she would send her for all the future miscommunication and arguments they would have, with a whole continent separating them.

“Earth to Lexa? Are you still in this room?”

“I like it”

Clarke’s eyebrow furrowed.

“Your plan. I approve.”

“Oh, do you now?” Clarke laughed at her. “Well, go do your lifetime thing and I shall…do my temporary thing.”

Lexa smiled with a sense of pride at her.

“What’s that look?” Clarke asked when she still stood frozen at the door.

"It simply escaped my mind that you would pour this much on your new job."

"I have to. Considering I technically don't have the degree or experience to actually be qualified for it."

"Ah. A conversation for another time” Lexa conceded. She turned the knob open when she heard voices behind the door. “Shall I join you on your check-up then?"

"I'll be fine."

"Why do you never want me there?"

"Because you breathe on their necks."

Lexa just shook her head. She left the room and the hall outside instantly silenced. She had at least three generals waiting for her, all with their staff on hand. Her own staff and security team were crammed with them, all waiting to report something she would rather not hear in the morning. Or waiting for orders she would rather not give yet. She eyed the anxious crowd and did not find Anya or Indra there.

Indra would be in the War Room keeping a close watch on their own borders and on the security of their allies. Anya must be knee-deep in preparations for the Summit, not to mention waiting for any word from Raven.

“Where is Lincoln?” Lexa asked her nearest guard.

The young soldier looked away and muttered something indistinct. Lexa did not have any patience for it. She barked for Lincoln to be summoned to her office within the hour, before marching down the hall and to the elevators, her generals hurrying to catch up to her.

Lexa allowed them to ride down with her and gave them a chance to speak out their concerns.

Poisoned victims were spreading.

Their Air Force fleet was spread a little too thin. They have enough pilots but if the fighting continues, they will not have enough planes to fly.

The borders of their outer cities will need increase protection soon.

They need to address the push-and-pull situation in Arkadia. Their bastion in the Cold Mountains will fall if they do not send reinforcements.

Ontari was already asking for back-up, something no Rime Commander has ever resorted to in almost a century.

The Chancellor’s safety was threading a finer line by the minute.

Plus, the Summit was due in days. There are talks that this was bad timing. World leaders should not all be gathered in just one place right now. It makes for an easy target. And it was proving to be more expensive than they all would like. On any other time, their funds would suffice but the war held no guaranties of a timeline. Their financial allies would make too many demands sooner or later.

And… Roan.

He was still a big question mark.

Lexa stepped out of the elevator and onto her office floor. Her generals followed her and stood in silence as she contemplated on how to approach everything. Clarke would always tell her to just approach one problem at a time and that was an advice she would gladly follow if it were not for the fact that all the problems presented to her are intertwined.

Money. Security. Politics.

Victory.

All intertwined and she knew better than anyone that one wrong move in one single variable would lead to the rest burning in flames.

“Send out our Hazard Troops” she finally said. “Contain that poison. Evacuate the outer city hospitals and turn those into quarantine zones. Have the drafts approved by Anya before the day ends.”

“Commander, we are running short on antidotes.”

Lexa already knew this from last night. Kane had told her that they were not producing at a speed that would suit both of their countries. The Chancellor had already ordered to halt the export to Polis because the number of victims in Arkadia was rising. They cannot risk running low on an antidote that they had created to save their own people.

Deal with the Commander be damned.

“Quarantine who you can.”

The general nodded and it was understood. Lexa was not one to save lives when there was none to be saved.

“As for the planes, nothing heads out without my final go.”

“And the Cold Mountains, Commander?”

“Send reinforcements”

“From where?”

“The Academy”

The generals looked up from their tablets where they were updating the orders. Lexa challenged each of them with a stern look. None of them were foolish enough to send untrained soldiers to the field but none of them had the guts to even acknowledge their need for a drastic measure. And none of them would dare say this out loud.

“The graduating class should be prepared for battle by now, correct?” Lexa posed stoically. “Did you not report to me progress of our cadets, general? What was it you said? They can face any foe at a moment’s notice?”

“Yes, Commander”

“This is that moment. Give the notice but run the assignments by Anya and the Academy Commandant”

“Yes, Commander.”

“One more thing. I want the top three of that graduating class to report to me early tomorrow morning.”

The knock on the door interrupted the rest of Lexa’s instructions. Lincoln’s voice came from behind and Lexa told him to wait. She told the generals that for now, that will be all. When they left and Lincoln entered, he still could not meet her eyes.

If Lexa had the time to feel the pain from Lincoln’s entire aura, she would empathize. She knew how guilty he felt for not realizing it was his own right-hand man who was the spy and the assassin tasked to kill his Commander.

His sister.

He stood straight, strong and silent.

The way he always had, despite the stigma that has followed him around from birth.

Lexa would have hugged him if she was the type of sister who hugs. She would have encouraged him to stop moping if she was the encouraging type. She would have told him that all was well. But not all was well and the truth was Lincoln did let something slip. And she could have died. As much as she had forgiven him, as much as she still trusted him over most, they were caught in a time when the smallest of oversights contribute to deaths of many.

She cleared her throat and Lincoln finally met her eyes.

Remorse but no apology.

Lincoln had already done what he was supposed to do and that would always amount more than any apology. He had executed someone he had trusted with his life. By the hand of his own blade, he ended the life of someone he considered to be a brother. He will not apologize for that. And Lexa would never ask him to.

She did not expect an apology. She expected him to be back to the soldier she could count on.

“I want the Chancellor out of the Arkadian capital.”

Lincoln winced ever so slightly but did not say anything.

“I talked to Kane last night. She is not leaving and he will not encourage her to. Find me a reason to have her out of the city.”

Lincoln nodded and waited for permission to leave.

“Release yourself from your demons, brother” Lexa finally said. She held his eyes. There was nothing comforting about her tone. She heard herself and she knew that she sounded exactly how she viewed this moment. She was not being consoling. She was giving an order.

The only thing warm about her command was that she addressed it to her brother and not the head of her Special Forces Unit.

“We face enough already” she continued. “I do not need you walking on mine fields with extra burdens.”

“Understood, Commander”

Lexa gave him a nod and he exited with much more grace and dignity than when he entered. There was nothing to repair in that relationship. They will endure and they will continue to rely on each other. Lincoln will just have to figure that out on his own. She walked to one of the conference rooms in the floor below her office and found a full-packed trade and economics team waiting for her.

She spotted Anya in her usual seat in an intense conversation with Secretary Kane. As soon as she sat down, Anya pushed two thick case files in front of her. One was for this meeting and the other one had Clarke’s handwriting on the front.

“We need to discuss how to introduce you and Clarke at the Ball” Anya whispered to her. “Kane thinks it is a terrible idea for you to walk in holding hands.”

“Secretary” Lexa called out quietly, the rest of the table all engaged in different discussions to notice. “You would see fit to keep your nose out of whose hand I will be holding. In public and in private.”

Lexa watched the color on Kane’s face fade as he gulped and recovered himself quickly, excusing his earlier suggestion to Anya. He explained that he only thought of Clarke’s safety. All eyes would be on this Ball and their enemies would perceive any public display of their affections and any sort of confirmation of their relationship to be a target. A small hint of weakness.

“I did not realize I struck you as an affectionate person” Lexa’s resigned pleasantness crept throughout the room and soon enough the room fell to silence. “Let us worry about our trade relations and the effects of this war to our economies, shall we?”

Kane gave her the most gracious nod she has ever witnessed from a foreign dignitary. She smirked and called the meeting into order. By the time lunch had rolled in, Kane was already in a heated debate with another representative from one of their allies to even remember logistics of the Ball.

Lexa stole a quick peek on her phone and read Clarke’s text telling her that she was having lunch with fellow Ambassadors housed inside the tower. She smiled. Knowing her girlfriend, that lunch date was going to cover far more than just seating arrangements or details of the Ball. Clarke must already be siphoning the smallest tidbits she could about where other nations stand in this war.

Anya nudged her knee from under the table and Lexa turned her focus back on the meeting. Somehow, she finds War Room plans less exhausting than talking numbers.

This meeting dragged on longer than was scheduled. Lexa checked her watch, she needed to leave the tower soon if she were to attend to what she deemed to be more important. She eyed Anya, who finally gave into her own brand of fatigue and called everyone to attention.

“Can we settle on what little we have settled on in the last hours?” she asked. “We do have the summit in a couple of days. It is a four-day meet and we have a whole day dedicated to our trade relations. I suppose everyone in this table would be able to function better with the heads of state closer by?”

A murmur of agreement passed down the table while there were few voices who pointed out that their leaders would not be able to attend the Summit. Lexa met Anya’s eyes and they had an understanding. Before this Summit starts, they needed to find out the real reasons why their invitations were declined. At a rather opportune time, Lexa’s phone buzzed and there was another message from Clarke, saying that maybe they should expect a few absentees in a few days.

What a team they make.

Lexa replied that she was still in the middle of her meeting and will discuss what they can later in person. She quickly signed the document Anya placed in front of her and excused herself from the meeting. She could list the agreements achieved in those precious hours in one hand. She realized that she could have been absent from there and the results would have been the same.

Anya caught up to her in the car and they rode out of the tower, finally discussing the night’s events in detail.

“We have to move her soon” Anya voiced upon conclusion of their new plan for the days ahead.

“Raven?”

“The Chancellor.”

Lexa closed her eyes.

“I do not mean to pressure, Commander. But if we wish to keep Arkadia standing, we need our men in there. And there is no assurance to any game plan to hold the city if the Chancellor insists on honouring Clarke’s word.”

“I know.”

“You would consider it then?”

“I talked to Lincoln this morning.”

Anya paused and processed what that meant. She also hesitated before asking how Lincoln was. Lexa shrugged it off. If she had taken to not coddling her own girlfriend when it came to political matters, she sure hell would not indulge her brother’s inconvenient walk down regret avenue.

“Can we get the rest of our agenda started that I may make it back in time for dinner?” Lexa snapped as she headed out of the room.

As it turned out, she ended up missing dinner with Clarke. She scoffed at the irony as she made her way to her room a little past midnight. She was not able to share a meal with her Arkadian girlfriend because the Arkadians were becoming a glitch to her plans...because of deals said girlfriend made. Those were two plans they managed to ruin in a span of six hours. She decided she would try and persuade Clarke to use the refugees as a bargaining tool but realized that her room was empty.

Lexa asked the guard where Clarke was and all they could point out was the obvious -- she was not there. She called down to the Ambassador's office and it was already empty. She called Clarke's room and no one was there either. She dialed Clarke's number on her phone and reached voice mail.

Thirty minutes later, Anya panted at her doorway.

"What is wrong?"

"Does anybody want to tell me where might my girlfriend be?"

Anya smirked.

"Commander, did I excuse myself from a security briefing because we lost Clarke?"

"Anya."

"She's out with Octavia. I heard one of her new Ambassador friends took them out for dinner. She's safe. I have eyes on her."

"Why do I not have eyes on her now?"

"Because you get to look at her when and where no one else is allowed to."

Lexa fought back a sheepish smile.

"May I suggest you get some rest, Commander? Your guests arrive in two days."

"And I would be woken up in two hours to a show of Azgeda's newest pyro olympics?"

Anya smiled darkly but did not say anything else before closing the door behind her. Lexa for her part, dressed out of her uniform and started reading whatever pile was on her table. When that was not enough, she moved on to reviewing strategies on different frontiers. Even she knew it was a waste of time considering she and Anya already poured every ounce of their military minds into every single piece of this puzzle.

She finally allowed the fatigue to set in but given that Clarke was not back yet, she refused to go to sleep. It was an unspoken game between them that whoever falls asleep first, when the other one is not around, loses. Clarke has not won yet but that was by design.

The Commander of Blood, understandably, would have longer days.

When the clock struck 2 in the morning, her excitement to tease Clarke about how she managed to stay up waiting for her had turned to a steady annoyance. She climbed out of bed to call for a small party that can join her crash Clarke's dinner when the door slowly opened and her girlfriend tiptoed in.

Lexa hung her head to the side to study if something was wrong.

Clarke, at the wee hours of the morning, was still radiant.

She did not look stressed or haggard. More importantly, she did not even look like she was out in town partying the night away. When she moved closer to give Lexa a kiss, Lexa immediately noted that she had not at all been drinking.

Clarke gave her a stern look as though she knew exactly what she was doing before she came in. Lexa slumped in bed and waited for Clarke to join her a few minutes later.

"Had fun?"

"I may have solved two of our problems."

"Do tell."

Clarke explained that she had pledged to supply a smaller nation to their farther North with as much antidotes as Arkadia could spare. In exchange, Arkadian relief workers and soldiers will be allowed shelter in the military bases there. Lexa raised an eyebrow on how this affects Polis. Clarke reminded her that technically, Arkadia does not have that many soldiers. At least not those in surplus that could make the trip. At least not those who could make the trip alive.

"You want a joint operation" Lexa concluded, mildly impressed as she caught on the plan.

The Arkadians would be there for a medical mission while her army could piggyback and gain access of a crucial vantage point. If the war spreads that far out, Azgeda could creep through the mountains and eventually gain the upper hand on Polis's terrain. If she had a small army already set up there, they could at the very least slow down the attack. For the most part, this nation had remained neutral. It was only when some of their younger men were kidnapped and turned into bandits, rebels and terrorists that they started to seek and accept help from Polis.

But even then, they were reluctant to come to the summit and even when they had accepted the invitation, they did not extend one of their own.

"You managed this how exactly?"

"I have an antidote to offer and you have a reputation not to be tested."

"What do they give us in return?"

"Why must you keep count of everything?"

"Helps lessen the body count."

Lexa meant it to be a joke but nothing was funny at this hour.

"They give you your advantage and they give my people safe passage. They will allow you to set up a base there while we hold medical operations. On a personal note, I lessen my favorite girl's worries."

Lexa kissed her lightly for the last thought then pointed out that the Arkadians would not need safe passage if they just stop trying to help everybody. They can send the antidote by plane like normal people. Of course Clarke reminded that this was a small nation and in many ways, it has not caught up with the advancements of technology.

Lexa suspected that there was more to it. She will find out soon why Arkadia was suddenly very keen on helping an ally who has not asked help from them. She even opted not to ask Clarke how she knew that Polis has had trouble positioning its army in that region. She was sure she did not tell her. They talk politics but Lexa knew better than to discuss strategy with someone who did not share the same philosophical views about war as her.

No matter how in-love she was.

"So you charmed your way into a trade without having to sell your soul?" she mused instead, kissing Clarke's hand.

Their eyes met and she all but grasped her chest as it still does that thing whenever she catches a glimmer of light dancing in Clarke's eyes.

It was a long day and this woman who had completely enthralled her was astonishingly lovely even amidst the gloomiest of nights.

"Are you proud yet?" Clarke teased.

"You continue to enchant me, Ambassador."

"Shut up and kiss me good night."

Lexa obliged, kissing her slowly on the lips before tracing her jaw with a contained hunger for her flesh. She felt Clarke's breath hitched sharper than it ever has so she pulled away with quick reluctance.

Clarke's eyes mirrored the night's with dark desire.

"You know" she whispered in a hoarse and tense voice that usually sends Lexa weak in the knees. "I got the all clear this morning."

"For travel..?"

"For sex."

Lexa's eyes widened at her girlfriend. She felt her temperature rise with each passing thought that those doctors should know by now just who Clarke was sleeping with.

"You asked your doctors if you are allowed to have sex?" she clarified in a strain voice that did not seem to be her own.

Clarke chuckled at her as she furrowed shyly under the covers nodding.

"I asked if my injuries allow such...activity. They say as long as we're aware of the injury, a bit of cardio should...help the healing process. And nothing too wild."

Lexa blinked at the choice of word.

"Lexa, we broke one of your mini bars, don't act like that's not a term applicable to us."

"So... we can--without aggravating your--your injury?" Lexa heard herself stammer.

"We can. But since you could have gone to sleep and let me win tonight yet chose not to, you don't get any" Clarke said with a smirk before planting a quick smack on Lexa's bewildered lips. "Sweet dreams, babe."

Clarke reached over - probably just to show her that she does have reduced pain in her body - to turn off both sets of lamps then settled under her sheets.

"Good night, Ambassador" Lexa relented, slipping her arms around Clarke's waist and resting the tip of her nose just by the nape of Clarke's neck.

She felt her girlfriend giggle at her frustration but considering where her thoughts ran upon getting the news that Clarke's convoy was hit, these inconveniences were a small price to pay.

While their evenings were still haunted by an occasional wake-up call via Clarke's dream demons in the middle of the night, Lexa's real nightmare came in the succeeding days with the arrival of different delegations from various foreign powers. She found Clarke a little too perky in the mornings for someone who saw dead faces and heard absent voices the nights before. Between the two of them, Lexa was the one already slightly regretting her decision to host this Alliance Summit.

The day before the official arrivals of the actual heads of state, Lexa sat in her office with Anya, Indra, two of her generals who were assigned to oversee the Summit. Clarke, Octavia and half of Clarke's security team joined them in what Lexa felt like one of the most stressful meetings she had ever been part of.

They had just spent hours going through schedules, logistics and topics which both of their sides could discuss openly. The only remaining issue was whether Clarke would join Lexa in welcoming the guests. Clarke had already pointed out that while she has grown to love attending meetings and forming connections, she still very much hated red carpet events. But she would stand next to her, if that was what her girlfriend wanted.

The stall was Lexa.

For the first time since she decided on the Summit, she did not know what she wanted.

Of course she wanted her girlfriend by her side at every opportunity possible. That is not a question at all. She is stressed over the media coverage. This would be the first time the world will get to see the insides of Polis. This is the most eyes they would ever have on them. Security aside, their relationship is private. The less the world looks in on them, the easier it should get. A counterpoint on this is that Arkadia is her most important ally. It is still its greatest technological resource and it continues to be its most strategic stronghold. For their friends and enemies to see that these two nations appear to have the strongest of bonds would send a clearer message than she could ever hope to achieve.

Lexa turned to study Clarke's face. She was waiting for her to decide on this.

"You have their attention no matter what you decide" Clarke said. Her voice was encouraging because she knew that it was not a decision Lexa was taking lightly.

“There are advantages in seeing the First Daughter as an Ambassador on your side” Anya reminded quietly. “For Arkadia, it shows security as well.”

“Or nepotism” Indra noted.

No one argued because on the eyes of anyone who does not know about the deep connection of the two nations, and the personal relationships underlying it, it is what it was. The Chancellor appointed her daughter as Ambassador to the most powerful military force in the world.

"Does the world need to see all my cards?" Lexa posed.

Clarke smirked.

"All your cards versus your one Ace?"

Lexa gave her a contained smile then ordered that Clarke can pick which welcoming parties she wishes to join.  She does not have to do the ceremonies. She can just shake the hands she wishes to shake and be done with it.

"Unless…"

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her.

Lexa shook her head. She would have to privately ask her if there was anyone in particular she wanted to meet. In the end, Clarke agreed to be present for the morning arrivals but skip the official photographs and the tours which would follow. She will show up to all the luncheons and tea or brandy dates as nothing more than the Arkadian Ambassador but will support Lexa at the private dinner on the first night of the Summit. No one bothered asking in what capacity she would be attending the meal which will double as a closed door meeting.

Lexa peered over her girlfriend's shoulder when she noticed that Lincoln has entered the room. She motioned for everyone to give them their privacy. Clarke eyed her with mild curiosity before giving Lincoln's arm a supportive and encouraging squeeze.

"There is a window to extract the Chancellor tonight, Commander" Lincoln reported, detailing how there has been reliable intelligence that Azgedan insiders will attack a hospital that the Chancellor will be opening.

Lexa listened to Lincoln's plan. It was, as expected, rather perfect. Except for one thing, it will look like a rescue. Abby cannot leave the Capital like a victim. Worse, she cannot leave like a damsel in need of a Polis hero. The image alone makes Lexa's stomach churn violently. They have to capitalize on every public opinion that they are unconquerable. This extraction must appear voluntary and must in the end, give Lexa the smallest of edges she needs to position her army.

Lincoln did not say anything when Lexa voiced this out.

"Do better" she dismissed her brother.

Being with Clarke has allowed her to look deeper into her actions and emotions and she was more than aware of her coldness. A slight guilt started to creep into her but the rest of her day were successive pictures of why she has no business feeling guilty for expecting her soldiers to dedicate their lives to winning this war.

_They will bleed for you, die for you._

The screens inside the War Room flashed and blinked red of all the active battlegrounds and by the end of the day, Lexa knew they were bleeding. This Summit needs to work for her favor. Now more than ever, she needs all eyes on her allies. She wanted assurance of their loyalty that when the world starts to cave in on them, they would all respond to her call. She knew that she should not just stop on pledges. She needed a hand on their resources. And they need to owe Polis more than just their word. They need to rely on Polis without becoming dependent.

Lexa slammed her fist on the table.

She had spent too much time inside the tower looking in on the mess outside rather than positioning her troops.

The table fell silent and Anya breathed carefully.

Lexa could see her trying to read her mind. She barked for the generals to all leave and as soon as it was just the two of them left, Anya spoke what Lexa was sure she did not have the courage to say out loud just yet.

"We are playing catch up, Commander."

Lexa growled.

"Even if we hold the Cold Mountains--"

"We have to hold the Cold Mountains!"

Anya breathed sharply.

"Ontari is barely surviving the nights, Commander. We either sacrifice them or we rescue them now. Reinforcements are not going to cut it. Not anymore"

Lexa knew this already. Her last communication with Ontari left very little to imagine. Her general practically told her to either get them out of the hell hole they were in or send an airstrike to kill the Azgedan troops. She did not have to expand on the consequences. The fighting was too closed range to expect that all of Ontari's men will survive.

And Ontari was clear. Her life had always been the Cold Mountains. She was not dying anywhere else.

Another wrinkle in the situation was that the Queen of Azgeda already sent word to Ontari. She is offering them sanctuary in exchange for a defection and information. It is becoming apparent that Ontari's job as a double agent was done extremely well that the Queen was under the impression she would betray Lexa. Anya remains wary about it. In her mind, there was still a nagging possibility that Ontari would.

Which is why, as Lexa's most important protector, she had already admitted to wanting a sacrifice than a rescue.

Lexa, however, was adverse to such a risky move. Killing the Azgedans at the foot of the mountain does not guarantee that Arkadia will remain free and safe. Nor does it do any favors to the growing separation of their military operations. If there was not a war going on, Lexa was sure that her council would vote to leave the bases in Arkadia and let them fend for themselves.

That creates an entirely different global problem for her.

The bomb she had fashioned as her weapon was still somewhat being treated as a joint property. Lexa checked her watch. She had a meeting scheduled an hour ago with Kane about that particular topic. She ordered Anya to have it cancelled.

The Cold Mountains needed her full attention. When Anya returned, she ordered for the generals to reconvene. There would be no airstrike tonight. Instead, she ordered two battalions to fly into restricted air space and set up camp in the Azgedan mountains. This would allow them an upper view of the fighting at the foot of the mountains and a counterattack should give Ontari enough time to regroup. It would also save her from having to respond to the Queen's offer. The presence of reinforcements should be enough of an excuse for her not to send out treasonous correspondence.

Lexa stayed in the War Room the entire travel time of her soldiers to the other side of the continent. Anya had to remind her that she had a big public day tomorrow. She growled inwardly, as she remembered that the last time they were both in a position where they worried about public perception was when they travelled to Arkadia for her first visit. It felt like an entire lifetime ago. And when she found Clarke in her bed, half-asleep with a couple of dossiers on certain foreign etiquettes, she resigned that it might have well been a lifetime ago.

"You skipped the meeting with Kane" Clarke murmured, eyes still closed. "Everything okay?"

Lexa shook her head, forgetting for a second that Clarke could not see her.

"Eyes on tomorrow" she whispered back as she too found comfort under the sheets.

Clarke may not have heard her because as soon as they found their niche in each other's arms, they both managed to have temporary relief. Lexa knew that if Lincoln's intel was accurate, she would have to break the news to Clarke that her mother's life was threatened on the same day that they essentially show the world a glimpse of their personal life.

It seemed like an unsettling piece of a lucky break that neither of them were woken up before they were ready to leave their bed. Lexa even allowed herself a few extra minutes in bed before she joined Clarke in the shower.

This was a morning she would not rush, as she kissed her way across her girlfriend's body. As if to remind her that they are facing fate everyday, she had to trace the newly-formed scars all over Clarke as well. She pulled away just as Clarke moaned her name and from where she was on her knees and between her girlfriend's legs, looked up to Clarke's glowing face. If there was anything ever to have beautifully bloomed amidst the darkness of war, it was this girl collapsing into stardust in her hands.

Lexa kissed her way up to Clarke's neck, in a feverishly slow pace, allowing her to ride out her orgasm with savory delight.

"Thank you for being gentle, baby" Clarke finally breathed out, turning the shower back on and kissing Lexa's lips delicately.

Lexa smiled into her kiss, aware that she still had the taste of Clarke inside her mouth.

Today was going to be a good day.

Anya was waiting for them outside. She gave Lexa a suppressed grin as though she knew exactly why they were running late. When they all stepped out of the elevator doors in the main hall of the tower, Lexa released Clarke's hand from her. There were at least three separate security teams waiting for them, three different sets of staffs and a whole crew of different media outlets. She turned to see how Clarke was handling everything and found herself facing an expression Clarke has not used in a while.

The dutiful daughter of Arkadia has shown up, ready to tame all who dare to fall under her spell.

Lexa did not need to tell her what to do, where to stand or how to behave. With the exception of that one Prime Minister who showed up with his full military escort, Clarke did not flinch at puffed chests all trying to impress Lexa or the high praises all trying to woo someone the world knows too be unfazed with compliments. As the Commander of Blood, Lexa kept her exterior the way it always has been. She made no distinctions as to how she welcomed her guests. They were all to be treated equally no matter how repulsive she found some of them to be. There were hands she shook that sent up alarms flaring in her head and there were immediate eye contacts with people she knew would be easy to maintain an alliance with.

When the first round of arrivals were through, Ambassador Griffin excused herself quietly and Lexa gave her a subtle nod.

The cameras all flared at their first bit of public interaction that morning.

Lexa had strictly not even looked Clarke's way and had left the introductions for Anya to handle. And it was always "our Arkadian Ambassador" with no mention of her relationship with the Commander which gave both of them a sense of ease and clarity on who they continue to be in the spotlight. The press followed her girlfriend as she retreated away from the core welcoming party and Lexa was about to call out an order against hounding her when she spotted Kane coming to Clarke's rescue.

"I have eyes on her" Anya whispered at her side. "We are on track."

"How many have you counted?" Lexa asked.

"Two possible defectors. One who probably already had."

Lexa nodded coolly. She had the same number and as soon as they were out of earshot hours later, they immediately conferred on whether they had the same people in mind. They wasted no time on adding extra surveillance on the three delegations their suspicions have centered on. Anya voiced out her concerns that the first round of meetings that day all involved three of these nations and it was already too late to rearrange anything.

“Then we find ourselves at closer arms to watch” Lexa said calmly.

Everything inside her was boiling in frantic anger over this likely betrayal but it is in this kind of environment that she thrives. It had not occurred to her how much of her was looking for this type of arena but as soon as the meetings started rolling in and as soon as she had a clear picture of where everything stood, she relished the taste if impending victory. She had every upper hand in all the negotiations and if she had Anya’s virtual map, she would see how well her empire is being positioned all over the continent.

The first glitch of her day, however, came just as she was signing the new war accords. They were nothing special, basically just a reiteration of what had already been agreed with at the last war summit. Only this was an internal agreement. It was an agreement between her closest and most trusted allies. And one which will not be announced to the general public. When the doors of the conference room busted open and all five delegations had people whispering to their heads of state including Kane’s staff and Indra rushing to give the news to Lexa, she knew that it was bad.

Kane excused himself from the room right away and Lexa adjourned the meeting with a hurried signature before heading straight to her war room.

“It was a school bus” one of Indra’s lieutenants reported as soon as she sat down. “There was one man inside, no children but he drove straight into the hospital. They were trying to get him out because some people recognized him. As soon as the first responders managed to open the bus doors, they saw that he was strapped to a bomb. So was the entire bomb. It exploded in the scene. We’re still waiting for more information.”

“The Chancellor?” Lexa asked, her eyes flicking from the news being flashed on their monitors to their satellite images of Arkadia.

“She cancelled her appearance at the last minute.”

Lexa spotted Lincoln standing half-hidden in the shadows at the far corner of the War Room. She closed her eyes and breathed a long sigh of relief. She did not need to ask. She knew that it was Lincoln who must have warned Abby to miss the opening of the hospital. As much as it would have been a convenient excuse for them to swoop in and save the day, Lincoln is still very much in touch with his humanity. He was not all pieces in a chessboard.  He must have genuinely grown close to some Arkadians. Not just Octavia.

“Who was he? You said they recognized him.”

“He used to work for Secretary Pike’s office”

Lexa turned towards Anya who was in a hush but urgent conversation on the phone.

“That was confirmation. Pike’s loyalists have defected to Azgeda.”

Lexa stayed in her seat, seething. Everyone else in the room remained silent.

“Get the word out to Ontari. Replenish their supplies immediately.”

A handful of generals and their lieutenants started to scatter all throughout the War Room, making all the calls and orders needed.

“Commander?” one of them called out in startling tenacity. “As long as Pike lives, his people will continue to have cause to believe they can overthrow their own government.”

Lexa already knew this. She was hoping no one would bring it up. She was hoping it would come down to her, Anya, Indra and Lincoln discussing the possibility of having Pike assassinated. She was hoping she would not have to make it an official order to her council. She caught Lincoln make a face from where he was standing. He obviously agrees with the general but he would never completely suggest it.

Not here.

“Send out an order direct from me” Lexa decided. “Any of his loyalists caught within our bases, or our within any perimeter our soldiers have created, will be executed on sight.”

She waited for any disagreement to be voiced out because she knew too well that this was still a rather weak response. This was not how her people do it. And if it were any other nation involved, she would have sent her own brother to do the job.

But Pike would know something about the late Chancellor’s plans and possibly how Clarke was part of it. He would also know how deep this conspiracy has rooted into their alliances. Until she finds all the answers she needed, he must stay alive.

Or at the very least not die by her hand or word.

“We need to return to our schedule” Anya reminded her. “If the press gets wind of this, they might think we are shaken by this tragedy.”

Lexa nodded and left Indra in charge of the operations that were still being conducted all throughout Polis as well as coordinating with their troops in Arkadia. There were no mentions of what happened at the hospital during their next meeting but that was probably because Kane had withdrawn from it. When he showed up in later and more public appearances, they held a minute of silence for their victims. She stood with silent sympathy and intimidating resilience as Kane delivered a short statement condemning the attack.

“Ambassador Griffin wanted me to extend her thank you” Kane whispered as they walked together to a different venue in the tower. “It seems it was your intelligence that made the Chancellor cancel at the last minute.”

Lexa did not say anything in return. They still have a lot on their schedules. The day was not over yet.

Finally, as her last meeting started to die down with just minimal subjects being taken up, she allowed her eyes to drift to the far end of the table where Clarke sat next to Kane.

This was more of a politically charged diplomatic consultation than a strategic briefing and Lexa has had very little to say in the last hour. She found herself more informed of certain philosophies of those she had aligned with. More, she enjoyed herself listening to Clarke’s voice from across the room. She had avoided eye contact with her, knowing that all it would take to break the façade they had both painted for the world, was one look.

Lexa can never look at Clarke without pure adoration.

Sitting at the head of the table now, listening to her girlfriend’s rather passionate and inspiring speech about unity, respect and staying true to all that makes them human, Lexa had to practically stop herself from being moved to a dangerous level of compassion. Clarke talks to her like this all the time, but always with a careful restraint, aware that they view humanity and this war very differently. Lexa had no doubt that everyone in this meeting will agree with what Clarke has to say because that was how it works.

Clarke connects to people as much as she can learn about them and use them.

Lexa had learned early on just how dangerous of a weapon the woman she had fallen in love with can be. It was intoxicating now to be reminded that she holds her every night, protects her as much as she can and need be, can use her to win this war. But much like the nuclear bomb fashioned for the Commander of Blood, using this unexplainable power Clarke has can have a trail of bodies in her wake.

“Commander?” Clarke’s voice called.

“Yes, Ambassador?”

“Shall we put it to a vote?”

Lexa blinked at her.

“The issue on how to deal with war criminals?”

Clarke smiled at her patiently but Lexa could see that there was a storm of reprimand behind her eyes.

“The issue on what to do should they cross national borders. On who has jurisdiction. And how it is in the interests of our basic international cooperation and respect to…afford them the kind of treatment that they would normally receive under their own governments.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. The danger with falling in-love with Clarke’s voice is that sometimes you really do miss the words and the point because the melody is all that bewitching.

“We have assumed that these traitors still answer to any form of government” Lexa replied calmly.

“Yes, Commander. We also assume that they are still people, no matter how repulsive they have turned to be.”

Lexa watched as the people between her and Clarke shifted their heads from one end to the other. If the of them were not careful, they would end up looking like a juicy tennis match ripe for gossip and empty for any progress.

“You propose then that should my soldiers catch, say…one of your Secretary’s loyalist, said soldiers keep said loyalists alive as is the Arkadian way.”

“Yes, Commander.”

Lexa waved a hand.

“No need for a vote then, Ambassador.”

Clarke’s subtlety in masking her surprise made Lexa smirk.

“As you said, in the best interest of international cooperation and respect.”

There is murmur of agreement across the table and Lexa smiled sternly at Clarke, as her own version of silent and dignified surrender.

When the meeting ended, Lexa stayed behind as the various delegations started piling out. Anya whispered to her reports that the Queen of Azgeda had officially and publicly extended asylum to Pike’s men, citing that their own government has betrayed them in favour of Polis, its inhumane Commander and the latest fling of Arkadia’s First Daughter. Lexa scoffed at the word.

Clarke had admitted to flings in college but it was ridiculous for any respectable world leader to even stoop to that level.

“She is growing confident” Anya continued to whisper about the Queen. “May I skip the afternoon media rounds? I have a bit of digging to do on what she may have on us.”

Lexa nodded. She caught Clarke’s eye from the end of the room and she wordlessly asked her to stay. She waited until Kane and his people left the room.

Clarke smiled sadly at her when they were finally left alone. Lexa shot her a look of warning, before turning to one side of the wall that was purely glass. People were still passing back and forth even if most of their guests’ presence were now replaced by two sets of security teams. Kane was still standing at the end of the hall, with a clear view of the room, as he chatted with Anya and Octavia.

Lexa kept a suspicious eye on him before finally standing up and allowing Clarke to hold her by the hips.

“Thank you for letting Lincoln tell my mom about the threat”

“He did that on his own”

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her before her fingers nervously fidgeted with Lexa’s belt.

“Still. He wouldn’t have been looking in if you didn’t order him to”

“Perhaps”

“Why do you seem more…distressed than I am?” she asked, trying to pull her closer.

Lexa stood her ground stubbornly. She let her hands fall to her side, aware of how awkward it may look to an outsider that the Ambassador was practically massaging her hips while she just stood there.

“You have that look. You’re starting to worry me.”

“Quite a show, babe” Lexa said with mildly impressed sarcasm. “Quite the coup you pulled there.”

Clarke dropped her hands from Lexa’s hips and threw her head back as though she just got hit in the face. She sought out Lexa’s eyes but for some reason, Lexa felt like now was the time to play immature about this. She avoided eye contact at all cost until Clarke half-laughed at her.

“Are you seriously pissed at me right now? You're the one with a hit on Pike.”

“So you did hear the rumor?”

“Is it a rumor though, sweetie?” Clarke tested.

“Stop playing coy, Clarke” Lexa snapped. “You sat in one of the war meetings, didn't you? How else would you have heard about it?”

“Yes. Kane asked me to sit in some of them considering we have to appear like we’re rallying together amidst tragedy.”

Lex suppressed a growl. She shot a look outside the glass walls only to find Kane had left. Instead, Octavia was standing next to Anya and both of them were arguing with Bellamy. The only comfort Lexa derived from that sight was how overpowered by two women Bellamy looked.

“Your position does not cover war briefings”

“Well aware, thank you. Except when a man of Kane’s position asks, you don’t exactly turn it down, do you?”

“Why didn't you just ask me?” she asked Clarke. “You could have just asked if I wanted your traitor dead.”

“One, I haven't seen you since this morning. Two. Would you have told me?” Clarke responded.

Surprisingly, from where Lexa stood, she did not even look angry at her. Early on in their relationship, this would have been a full-blown fight. Back then, she could probably expect Clarke to pack up her bags and leave Polis. Or at least sleep in her own room.

Standing there, however, she looked more confused about Lexa’s ire being aimed at her.

“No” Lexa admitted. “But at least I would not have looked like a fool in there.”

“You were a lot of things in there, Lexa. Not a fool though. Don't you make me feel bad about doing my job just because you didn't immediately catch on what I was trying to do.”

“Lesson learned about distractions.”

“Crazy girl, where is your head at? What could you have possibly been distracted at?”

Lexa avoided her eyes again. She heard Clarke contain and laugh. She shot her a warning look, knowing fully well she was about to burn through her face with the most furious blush.

“Oh, baby” Clarke cooed.

“Don't.”

“That’s cute”

“I mean it. Don’t.”

“Baby, that is too cute. Really, it’s making me all tingly inside. You’re adorable.”

“Stop” Lexa warned.

“Were you really that moved by my speech or are you just...hungry?”

Lexa’s eyes widened at her girlfriend at the mere suggestive tone. Clarke took one quick look outside before pulling her closer and stared playfully nibbling her on the neck. Lexa placed her hands on Clarke’s hips and gently pushed her off with a feeble attempt at being stern. They were both blushing now only that she knew how incensed she was still feeling inside while Clarke just looked like she was amused by the reaction she was getting.

“Stop. People will see.”

“You really are pissed” Clarke finally noted, meeting her handsa and intertwining their fingers. She held on to Lexa but allowed their hand to fall by their sides casually. Like she was not sure why Lexa was angry.

To give her credit, Lexa was not completely sure why she was angry as well. Her emotional faculties are always in a bit of a spin whenever it comes to Clarke.

“I'm sorry. I don't know...what for but I'm sorry” Clarke said sincerely, tugging on Lexa’s fingers. “I thought you'd have said something if I was being too…what's the word, distracting?”

“You crossed the line.”

“I wasn't being cute to get my way, Lexa. I was trying to convince the room”

“You were trying to get one over me”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief at her. She dropped her hands and sat on the nearest chair. Lexa continued to glare at her.

“And you're just trying to pick a fight” Clarke said after quietly studying her. “Which is stupid because this is the one argument you're going to lose today.”

Lexa realized on the spot that she did just want to pick a fight. She had been wanting to talk to her all day. But she never acknowledged how heavy she felt now because of the mess in Arkadia and how it would reflect back to Polis. And it was infuriating when her own girlfriend was not on her said. No matter what her job description is.

It would be easier for the both of them if Clarke was still just the First Daughter and not an active member of the Arkadian delegation. She was losing grips on her alliances and she knew that since Clarke has been getting invitations to sit in meetings, there must be offers on the table only meant for Arkadia. And not for Polis.

“I need every advantage I can get” she said coldly. “You know I do.”

“Yes, I do. You know you have every advantage you need but for some reason, you're biting my head over this one.”

“Don't you see it?” Lexa continued, keeping her feelings at bay. She pushed back every whisper of doubt and intrigue at the back of her mind so she could focus on the bigger issues they were both stuck in. “Pike does have the edge on me. So does the Queen Nia! Because Pike has you advocating for his rights and Nia is emboldened by the fact that I can't even publicly call out the new Ambassador's media statements because she happens to be my girlfriend.”

“You have every intelligence available to you. You have my mother's support. You have at least what, five out of eight nations gathered here, who literally just pledged their armies, their resources and their nation's future to you” Clarke rasied her voice in frustration, literally counting by her fingers everything she enumerated. “You are seriously picking a fight over the one thing you slipped at? And at me? What is wrong with you? Who touched a nerve?”

“Nobody.”

“Bullshit.”

“I hate being boxed in!” Lexa admitted before she could stop herself.

She spun around to keep her mind free from flowing through her eyes. If she can easily read Clarke, it does both ways. All she had to do was give Clarke one look and she would know all that was really scaring her. If she gives Clarke an edge, she would most likely figure out what was truly bothering her way before Lexa was ready to be honest about it.

“Am I boxing you in?”

“No.”

“Then why do I feel like you're blaming me because you can't win at all fronts?”

Lexa took a deep breath, sure that she finally had her emotions under wraps.

“I just wish you would talk to me first.”

“I do though. I talk to you about everything – which is more than I can say about you. I also finally have come to understand and accept this norm in our relationship” Clarke’s tone returned to normal, almost apologetic for the increased volume a minute ago. “Lexa. Will you look at me for a second? It seems to me you're the one who needs to do some talking. And not about this war.”

Lexa turned to her and nodded. She was still far from ever admitting what she felt has truly thrown her off her game but they did make a promise never to lie to each other again. Secrets, maybe. Lies were a deal-breaker.

“I-- I feel uneasy” she almost whispers. “And afraid.”

Clarke did not wait for her to elaborate. She extended her hand and Lexa felt like that was the only offer on the table she would ever take without anything in return. As soon as she willingly took it, free of all the burdens from today, she felt at home again. She felt the quiet again and while she still knew the dangers lurking, she knew she actually was doing okay.

She had Clarke. She was not losing her the same way that she will not lose this war.

Lexa allowed Clarke to hug her waist. When Clarke stood up and met her on eye level, she warned her again with a look.

“Oh, hush up. I don't care if they see us.”

Clarke’s lips caught hers mid a chuckle. Lexa absolutely allowed herself to crumble. It was less than a minute, maybe just. But it was all the reminder she needed that the woman in her arms may cause her and her war plans occasional glimpses but she is and will continue to be all that is important after the war.

The girl she goes home to.

Lexa kissed back her apologies and when Clarke settled her hands on the small of her back, she kissed just a little hungrily as well. She wanted nothing more than to cease all these meetings and just take her to bed.

“You have no idea how much I want to kiss away everything that is wrong in the world” Clarke told her when they pulled away, suddenly conscious of their guards outside. “We can't kiss or kill our way through this.”

“Agreed.”

“We’ll do better, yeah?”

“Hmm. Next time you want a message to run clear to me, don't do it in a meeting.”

“And next time you don't want me in a meeting, tell me.”

Lexa gave her a defeated smirk as she came to accept that Clarke knew what this was about all along. She still did not like her girlfriend in any kind of military meeting. It was too messy for the both of them. And she was still figuring out how to work alongside Clarke in an official capacity.

“Fair enough” she conceded.

“I love you.”

It still takes Lexa by surprise on how much Clarke had grown confident and comfortable in saying those three words. She, herself, has only gotten used to the sanctuary that statement has to offer as opposed to how anxious they once made her feel. There was something about how Clarke presented herself in public, nowadays, that was not there when they first met. It now seemed like she was in full control of her destiny and whenever she declares her love for her, it was always with the same sort of clarity.

A dominance, even. Like nothing in the world can ever stop the both of them.

_Heights upon which they were born into. Heights they have both chosen to walk through. Together._

Clarke was surer now, more than ever, of just how strong they are together. And it was damn attractive to see her certainty of who she is now. In the world. In Polis. In this relationship. To be in her presence was a lure of captivating sensation.

Lexa checked their posse outside again before cradling Clarke’s face. She leaned in for a sweeter, almost innocent peck.

A thank you. And perhaps her own declaration that Clarke will never have to hear those words to be sure that she loves her too. Not that she was not growing close to actually saying it.

But not here. Not like this.

Not yet.

“Go distract other people, love. I have to go to the War Room.”

Clarke snorted at her before kissing her goodbye on the cheek. Lexa watched her go, her earlier bursts of irritation all but subsided. She looked down on the table to read the top folder of one of her guests, curious as to who would be so careless to leave possible sensitive information around.

"Oh and baby?"

"What?" Lexa looked up to where Clarke stood at the door.

"I'm always going to want to be attractive for you. And I'm always going to want to be sorta distracting to you. It’s just how it’s going to be."

Lexa laughed, feeling herself blush once more. She should have known by now that Clarke was always going to keep her on her toes.

"Which is why you're helping me pick out my dress tonight. Help with the dress and I let you off the hook for being a tad bit mean. Deal?"

She laughed again. How could she ever fault anyone who would vote for and with Clarke, when she cannot even say no to a rather tediously trivial task.

"Deal."

Lexa found the War Room nearly empty when she got there. Only Lincoln sat in his usual corner, sitting silently as he waited for her. He said he had just come across the same intelligence about a threat in this summit. But for some reason, when word was spread that Chancellor Griffin was still in Arkadia, the word died down. He urged Lexa to make a deal with the Chancellor about her safety about their own soldiers in Polis. When Lexa made the call to Abby, she was resolute.

No one was leaving Arkadia.

Truth be told, Lexa could not blame her. In fact, this commanded respect out of her. As impractical to the point of pure stupidity it was, she understood that the Chancellor was imbued with honor that not even her politics had tainted. It also, probably for the first time, showed that she does think long-term. If she fled now, her people would despise her for it. And Pike's loyal followers can easily poison the minds of the public that their leader had sold them out to Polis.

Lexa ended the phone call with a slight mention of their plan to weaponize the antidote. Abby promised she will look into it. She did not apologize for halting the exportation but Lexa caught it in her tone.

"One last thing, Commander" Abby had noted before the conversation ended. "Raven's reports have been rather short and slow lately. Can I trust that you would supply any detail she may have forgotten to put on what she sends me?"

"Naturally. Good night, Chancellor."

The line went dead and Lexa turned to Anya who quietly exited the room. They would have to revisit Raven's situation before they both retire to bed. Lincoln voiced again that leaving the Chancellor in Arkadia was something that bothered him. He kept going back to a sick feeling in his stomach that when the next strike occurs, they will have not seen it coming. Even if it was right in front of them.

Before Lexa could answer, Indra entered followed by two generals from Lexa's council.

Indra is worried their own security is faltering. She heard the same rumor Lincoln did. Someone was on the inside. Someone had eyes on this summit. And whoever that person was, they still remained loyal to whatever their cause might be.

Lexa turned to her other generals. One of them has good news that the operation they launched that morning was a success. They had gotten control of a few submarines which had gone rogue and favored one of Azgeda's allies. Their men are extracting information from the crew right now. The Commander can expect results in the next 24 hours.

"If not, I expect heads of traitors be sent to Pike's jail cell."

Lincoln eyed her.

It was a soft caution.

Lexa silently admitted to herself that she missed that look from her brother. She nodded subtly and clarified that no one dies until all probably data they can get has been retrieved. She turned to the other general who was whispering orders to his lieutenant. He immediately stopped and reported that their soldiers by Border Canyon were getting sick. The water was poisoned. They need more antidote but before that, they need a team out there to test if this was even the same poison at all.

"Send our own men first" she decided.

If it was a different strain of poison, she might need Arkadia's help but Polis still has one of the best biohazard-trained soldiers. Their entire unit was created specifically in case of a nuclear war. This was not nuclear bombs just yet but it was running quite close.

When the meeting ended, Lincoln walked her up to her room.

"If we ask help from Arkadia regarding the poison, it makes it that much difficult for us to convince the Chancellor to leave" he said when they were alone in the elevator.

"Why do you need her to leave?"

"Safety."

"Honesty, brother."

"My men cannot move while she is there. They are trained to do what is necessary, Commander. The Chancellor and her people are glued on doing what is right. If we want the Cold Mountains to hold, the men I have placed in Arkadia must have the freedom and support to do what is necessary."

Lexa nodded.

"And if the Chancellor dies it would break Octavia's heart."

Lexa stared up at him. She squinted to make sure he really was Lincoln. That was when she was sure of two things. Lincoln had fallen in-love with Octavia. And the threat to Abby's life was more credible than any of the intelligence reports show.

She did not say anything more. She knew she would have another difficult conversation with Kane and with Abby.

When she opened the doors to her room, however, she saw that no situation must ever be more delicately handled than Clarke trying to pick a ball gown.

Lexa sat in her desk and started signing trivial orders and reports while Clarke sat on their floor, going through boxes and boxes of gowns, segregating ones that she liked at first glance from ones that she didn't.

"We have servants for that, you know" Lexa finally chimed in half an hour later when Clarke mentioned that she should be talking to her mother about security concerns and not gown options.

"As if I'd ever put my fate in anyone else's hands"

Lexa looked up from the latest casualty report on her desk.

"Then why am I here?"

"Who else would I want to look beautiful for?" Clarke teased, hanging the gowns on a rack before rolling them towards their newly-installed shared dressing room. "Besides, you need a break from staring up at computer monitors and satellite streams of destruction."

Lexa did not bother to argue. Her phone rang just as Clarke strolled out of the dressing room to show her the first gown. For a solid half a minute, she did not hear whatever was being said on the other end. When she managed to regain her faculties, she half-nodded and half-shrugged at the option before turning her attention to Anya's voice.

Raven was fine but she warned that there was activity around her. Almost like there were ranger-spies setting up a perimeter around the bomb. She could not tell if they were friend or foe.

Clarke had strolled out three or four gowns in the course of the phone call and Lexa nodded at them all. She knew Clarke had picked up on the conversation because by the fourth gown, she had mouthed back if Raven was alright.

"She is fine" Lexa promised.

When Clarke went on to try the last few gowns she had left, Lexa told Anya to prepare for possible travel. She massaged her head after the phone call and closed all the folders on her table. She sat on the armchair just outside their dressing room and started calculating all that would be necessary should they transfer the bomb and Raven. The transport would be tricky but not impossible. And the summit was the perfect distraction.

When the Chancellor finds out, however, it would be a huge issue. It would bolster the Arkadian fear that Polis was meddling a little too much.

"Babe? What do you think of this one?"

Lexa blinked at the direction of Clarke’s voice.

"Lexa” Clarke waved a hand in front of her. “Lexa? Baby, did you hear a word I just said?”

"Your mom should leave Arkadia” Lexa said almost blankly. She finally met Clarke’s eyes and without at all noticing what she had on started giving her girlfriend a footnote version of where her thoughts had just taken her.

When she was done, Clarke pursed her lips patiently at her.

"So that would be...no to this dress."

“Clarke, you are not listening to me.”

“No, no, no. You don’t get to tell me that. You’re the one not paying attention to me. I could have broken a bone getting into this dress and you wouldn’t have noticed.”

"Why are you so calm?” Lexa demanded of her. “Why are you not demanding for more military support when a newly-opened hospital in your city was just bombed?”

“Because we promised not to fight, remember? I promised not to meddle and behind these doors, I am your girlfriend. I am not Abby’s daughter and I am trying my damnedest not to be the Ambassador right now” Clarke explained in a tired but still eerily patient tone. “Will you please just help look at this gown and tell me if it will match yours?”

“I’m wearing a suit” Lexa said frowning, slightly side-tracked.

“You wore a dress in Arkadia.”

“I am hosting a War Summit” she replied as though that explains everything. “Clarke, your mother—“

“—has no say on what I wear in public. For the first time ever.”

Lexa scoffed.

“I would have noticed.”

“That she dictated what I wore to public events--?”

“If you had broken a bone trying on one of these gowns, I would have noticed.”

Clarke bit the inside of her cheek as she shook her head disbelievingly.

“It’s really hard to be annoyed at you when you’re this smooth”

Lexa shrugged, unfazed. She controlled how much her insides felt like a school girl with her first ever crush. She cleared her throat to gain Clarke’s attention away from scrutinizing the gown she had on.

“Clarke, intelligence is unchanging. They will launch an attack. A bigger one."

Clarke finally gave up and went back in the dressing room.

Lexa allowed her to change into something new, not saying anything else, as her thoughts drifting away from the room once more. The arrangements about Raven are delicate so moving her would be one less problem for her to worry about. It is the actual situation in Arkadia that keeps gnawing at her temples. If there is activity around Raven, it means that the bomb has really become public knowledge. It will only be a matter of time until her enemies overwhelm her troops in the Cold Mountains, in Arkadia, in Border Canyon…eventually they will reach Polis.

"I thought we've taken control of their nuclear base."

Lexa shook her head slightly and refocused at Clarke who had a subtle look of concern on her face as she spun around in a strapless velvet burgundy gown.

"I did not say it will be a nuclear attack."

“Another rogue bomber?”

Lexa cleared her throat, trying not to blush at how much cleavage the dress was showing.

“You know I cannot just spew out details of the intelligence report while you are knee-deep in gown choices”

“So you are paying attention to the dresses.”

“Babe” Lexa half-begged for attention and half-warned her girlfriend against her growing impatience.

"Sorry. Have you talked to my mother?"

"She will not leave."

"Why do you need her to?"

"Clarke, do not be difficult."

"And don't be duplicitous, baby”

Clarke said it pleasantly, almost like a tease, even. But it was the way that she leaned on the wall and crossed her arms in front of her instead of picking another gown that signalled to Lexa that she was finally ready to engage in a serious discussion. Even the way she smiled at her was challenging, like she was ready for a debate she had been preparing for all day.

"Duplicitous?" Lexa said the word slowly. “You think I am being duplicitous.”

"You want to move my mother out of Arkadia so your men could move in. And you can take control of the Capital, of our soldiers and of the fighting there."

Lexa keened defeatedly. Clarke really does pick up on everything and when she said earlier that she was keeping her lines drawn, it was because she knew this could turn into a heated argument.

"If the Chancellor willingly leaves, it would not be perceived as you taking over. But that is exactly how it is. How am I doing so far, Lexa?"

"I am not stealing your country. I am moving pieces. Key pieces to winning this war” Lexa maintained sincerely.

Clarke shrugged at her.

"That is not how we do things."

"The Chancellor will not be superseded, love. She will be safe and can run things from a bunker."

"At a time when even the most innocent of text messages must be encrypted? At a time when her defense secretary is under investigation for treason? Should I mention that her daughter is the ambassador to Polis --- whose Commander she is currently shacking?"

Clarke gaped at her for a response.

Lexa smirked, feeling a teasing smile curve up on one side of her face.

"Shacking" she clicked with her tongue. “Shacking. Interesting choice of terminology, Clarke.”

"Sorry, did that offend you?"

Clarke fought back a smile but Lexa caught the laughter behind her eyes.

"Is that all I am to you?” she bemoaned rather dramatically for her own liking. But it drew out a reaction from Clarke who pulled herself off the wall and walked straight between Lexa’s legs, allowing herself to be tugged on by the waist while Lexa adored her from her seat. “Someone to fill your bed? To answer all your desires? To play house when you get tired of playing chess with the adults?"

"Yes” Clarke played into her little scene then bent down to kiss her with a kiss that says she is everything more than just a bed-filler.

"Am I a good playmate at least?"

"I might want to keep playing with you for the rest of my life."

"Just with me? Are you not going to get bored?"

Lexa meant for it to sound like a joke. Like a random tease. Casual and unassuming. But they must have both heard there was something heavier that coated her voice.

Hope.

Maybe a little too much hope in the uncertain future that when the war ends, it will still be the two of them.

Clarke kissed her again, a little too carelessly and Lexa kissed back a little too urgently. Maybe to hide how embarrassed she just felt that she gave away where her mindset has been truly at. Both of them knew just how serious this relationship is. Other people would say they moved too fast and there were days when it did feel like they rushed so much with each other that they forget the smaller things, the smaller moments which strengthen the foundations of a relationship.

Then there were nights when everything just felt too slow.

The war. The end. The dying.

And the living.

There were nights when Lexa does feel like she and Clarke were not going anywhere. That they were stuck answering calls from people they have both pledged their life too. There are nights when she feels that for two people who have the world at their feet, they were both oddly confined in a one-room tower, scared of enemies, circumstance and time.

Lexa did not want Clarke to feel what she had tried so hard to ignore. And she knew that, for the most part, it was for selfish reasons. It could tip the scales to an imbalanced rapport between them. They have both been very good at sharing the navigation of their relationship and she believed that it might be the threat of war and the limits of time which contributed to their aversion against anything which leads to a fight.

They do not know how much time they have together so why argue about who gets to decide what to eat, where to go or when they would officially move in together? Why rock the boat when they have no idea when they would get to dry land?

Lexa blinked at Clarke. She hid her worries fast, seeing as Clarke’s eyes were on a chase for the secrets of her soul.

"Are you?"

Lexa laughed nervously then shook her head.

A lifetime with Clarke? Who would ever get bored?

Whatever their past lives might have been or whatever their future is prophesized to be, she can never bring herself to believe that there is any part of her which would ever choose not to spend the rest of her days with Clarke.

Clarke kissed her as a reward then stepped away to change into another dress. Lexa gently grabbed her wrist with gentle concern.

"I think you should have that discussion with your mother."

Clarke sighed at her, their spell of a moment slowly shattering in the air of sudden seriousness.

"She will not surrender control of the city, Lexa."

Lexa understood. She did not expect any other result.

This must be how Clarke feels whenever she would come to her office to ask for a favour she had known from the start that Lexa could not comply with. They both dance around all the things they cannot do for each other. But they still ask. Maybe it was because at the back of their minds they both know that the either one would still try.

She knew Clarke will talk to the Chancellor. It would not yield anything but they would discuss because Clarke is oddly enough reasonable when it comes to these kinds of things. Just as Lexa would try and keep her word to hold off on the kill order on the Arkadian traitors.

Because the Commander of Blood is oddly enough reasonable when it comes to…well, Clarke.

"I liked the silver one" she said in a sure voice, gently releasing Clarke’s wrist.

She reached for her phone on the bed to text Anya that they would be running late for the dinner. She smirked when Clarke still stood frozen with a confused on her face.

"What?"

"Gown” Lexa supplied, playfully biting her lip. “For the summit. I liked the silver one."

"The first one I tried on?"

"Mhmm."

"Then why did you let me go through the other six?"

Lexa dropped her guard as she dropped down the bed, propping herself up on both her elbows. Her smirked turned mischievous just as Clarke’s smile abandoned into rascal territory. She walked into the dresses and came out in nothing but her underwear. Lexa’s eyes drifted over her scars and bruises, all the testaments of how strong she is.

How beautiful.

How completely…hers.

"You're the worst playmate ever" Clarke whispered hoarsely as she crawled on top of Lexa’s body.

It was a reprimand that wildly gave away something she must have been hiding as well.

A powerful sense of hope and an even more overwhelming commitment that they will overcome this war. They will get to spend their lifetimes together.

Clarke very quickly fumbled through her belt and practically ripped off the buttons of her pants. She kissed slower and just as Lexa managed to catch her breath, she pulled back with purpose in her eyes, as though darkening their shade into a beautiful midnight blue that is enough to make Lexa wet her underwear right that second.

Lexa started kicking off her pants, careful not to hit Clarke because she can still that her girlfriend's movements were not as fluid as they usually are. And when Clarke pulled her up towards her, she knew that the effort put a strain on her ribs because both their lips trembled.

"Easy, Clarke" Lexa soothed. "I am here."

Clarke groaned as Lexa massaged her ribs, just cupping her breast. She gently set Lexa back down and moved to pull her legs towards the foot of the bed, making her dangle by her knees. Lexa cussed under her breath when Clarke pulled off her pants and started kissing her way up to her lips.

It was official -- Clarke taking her time tasting her body was a torturous pleasure she can very easily be addicted to.

In a devastatingly destructive manner.

Sinful intoxication.

Lexa usually composes herself whenever Clarke was in the mood to take the lead -- which, before getting hurt, was the norm. But right now, she knew that her mind had been too preoccupied by the complexities of their situation that she did not have the energy nor desire to pace herself. And she knew her girlfriend could very easily tell as she shuddered under her.

"Hands" Clarke breathed into her ear, nibbling at it gently.

Lexa slithered her arms above her head and Clarke gently pinned her hands down with one of her own, the other one tracing Lexa's breasts in agonizing hunger.

"I've missed you" she confessed.

Lexa knew that to be true too. They may have had their shower marathon but that was all Lexa. And even if they have spent their nights together, the injury had caused them both to stall their usual sexual intimacy. Of course, there was the war, Clarke's new post...Lexa's head spinning with all that has hounded her. They have done a brilliant job at not fighting or not going against each other's decisions but that has also created a blanket distance that neither of them wanted to admit.

She did not say anything back. She did not want to ruin the beauty of Clarke's honest rawness in the moment.

Lexa just gripped on the hand pinning both of hers down as she kissed back Clarke's wandering lips, almost unaware of where her girl's hand had drifted towards. She whimpered at the instant Clarke started teasing her opening.

Involuntarily, her knees twitched and her hips buckled at every touch.

Clarke slowly positioned herself to counter her rather impatient responses but her knee between Lexa's legs was not going to make Lexa be more open to waiting.

"Love..." Lexa could hear the begging in her voice when she finally could not stand the friction of Clarke's steady pace inside her.

"Say it" Clarke breathed into her neck, kissing the rapid pulse.

Lexa liberated her hands from Clarke's and placed them over Clarke's butt, squeezing and pulling her into her.

"Tsktsktsk" Clarke reprimanded her in between her own barely controlled groans. "That's cheating, baby."

Lexa stole a quick look into her eyes and she knew that she was probably teetering at the edge too. She raised her head and kissed Clarke fiercely.

Yes, I miss you too.

Yes, I am beginning to be very scared of this war.

Yes, I hate the impact of your new job on our relationship.

Yes, I am hesitant to show the world how good we are together.

Yes, I so foolishly desire that everybody see how you are mine.

Yes.

I am yours.

Clarke started moaning into their kiss. Lexa's head was spinning at the sound in her ears and the rhythm between her legs but the rest of her, like muscle memory perfected over a millennia, knew where else to hold the woman she loves.

Lexa placed her hand on Clarke's mold and her finger found Clarke's opening to be almost just as wet as she was. She met her girl's eyes and finally shut off all her thoughts.

"Please, love" she heard herself manage impressive whimper. “Clarke…please…”

Clarke smirked but Lexa felt her melt into her fingers as she thrusted her fingers into Lexa, in synchronized beat to their rabid pulse rates.

Sinful intoxication.

A high no one in heaven or hell can reach.

Clarke collapsed on Lexa's body, her head inched slowly towards her neck, their breathing are like collecting raindrops on an otherwise serene pond. She brought her hand out of Lexa and slowly used her still moist fingers to write something on Lexa's in before settling on her chest.

"I've missed you badly" she whispered an echo of her own sentiment.

Lexa closed her eyes and held her tight enough to let her know she missed her too and that she was not going anywhere. She kissed the top of Clarke's head, her hand rubbing her back gently.

They should stay here forever.

No one can touch this moment. No one can hurt them. No one can betray them. No one will wonder who surrendered to whose touch first. No one will expect anything of them or demand the worst from either of them.

No one will see that there are aspects of Lexa that was more than just okay and willing to allow someone else to take the lead.

For someone else to take control.

For someone to hold her, put her pieces back together and to keep them in place.

No one will judge her for allowing another soul march beside her, love her...own her.

Clarke seemed to have the same ideas of staying in bed because the kisses she had playfully been giving her girlfriend's chest grew lazy and her humming slightly inaudible.

Lexa closed her eyes.

It would not hurt to stay in a moment for a moment longer.

From the bedside table, her phone buzzed and she heard Clarke groan in annoyance.

"You know, at first I thought you were the one buzzing" she teased Lexa, hugging her tighter.

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her, forgetting that she could not she her face as Clarke has half-burrowed her face in the pool of their hair. She realized that she must have been getting calls and messages while she was reveling in their moment.

She sighed and Clarke knew what that meant. Lexa felt a piece of her break when her girlfriend crawled off of her and settled on the bed, leaving only a weak arm around her waist. She turned to Clarke and kissed her before breaking their bubble altogether. She could feel Clarke's eyes glued on her naked body as she went in the bathroom for a quick wash. When she came out unclothed, she knew her girlfriend's gaze still followed her as she sauntered off to find something to wear.

Lexa hurriedly put on the first dress that greeted her from her closet. She had opted not to be in uniform for this dinner, to lessen the tension that had yet to be broken in this summit.

"Black long sleeves?" Clarke called out from where she was still curling in bed.

"Yes."

Lexa had a feeling Clarke already had it picked out and placed it in the forefront of the rack. She came out fully-dressed and eyed her girlfriend who did not look like she was planning to get ready anytime soon.

"We are already late."

"No. You are."

"You are not coming with me?"

"I think I did come with you."

Lexa blushed. She raised an eyebrow when Clarke did not move from bed.

"You go. I'll skip this one. It looks a little too obvious if we both arrive late and looking all flushed.”

“They will not ask for an explanation, Clarke.”

“Nor should we ever owe them one. I’m sorry, I know I said I’d go with you but I’m not so sure I’m ready for that kind of grand entrance.”

“Your particular brand of magic takes a break from the chess games then?”

“My particular brand of magic is all tapped out from this particular brand of…playtime.”

Lexa chuckled and nodded her head. Maybe part of her was relieved that Clarke was passing on the dinner. She might actually get to probe their allies regarding matters she would rather not delve into while the Ambassador of Polis was present.

“You win them over tonight, baby. Besides, I have to answer some e-mails for graduation requirements and maybe I can still catch my mom in her office. Win _her_ over…you know. Tag team my own mother. The usual."

"Send her a picture of you in that silver dress" Lexa teased, leaning on the bed and kissing Clarke's forehead. "Try not to stay up, love."

Lexa made it in time for dessert and brandy.

Anya did not ask why she ran late. Instead, as one of their allies held everyone else's attention regaling tales of a war wherein he fought alongside Lexa's father, Anya and Indra took turns recapping the previous dinner conversation. Neither of them were particularly keen on giving any form of bad news as both of them could very easily tell that their Commander had a rough day. When Lexa prompted what they were not saying, Indra finally mentioned Roan's name.

"That Prime Minister" Indra motioned at the man still reliving his glory days of battle. "He kept bringing up the Azgedan Prince's participation in this war."

Lexa turned her attention to the Prime Minister. He is a respectable man and one of the few in this summit that she actually trusted. He had fought with her father. Her father had trusted him as a young soldier and even travelled halfway across the world when he rose among the ranks to become a Defense Minister. In turn, when he was elected as Prime Minister a year ago, one of his very first official acts was to reaffirm their strong ties with Polis.

"He knows Roan is here?"

"He knew enough about you to be sure you have not killed him just yet" Anya smirked.

"Ask for an additional meeting with him. Privately."

"Very good, Commander."

“What else?”

“He is having Bellamy Blake investigated.”

Lexa snapped her head at her.

The man supposedly guarding her girlfriend was being investigated by a foreign power. Not just any foreign power – one of her more trusted allies, a nation led by a man who had fought alongside her father.

“I have looked into him. Both officially and off” Anya assured her. “It must have something to do with his internship with Pike when he was still a cadet.”

“He went to school here.”

Anya nodded.

“But he is not our soldier. Indra did not want him and she was the only one who still did not have an apprentice. The honour eclipsed him and now belongs to Octavia.”

“The Prime Minister is worried because?”

Anya smiled.

“Because this particular Prime Minister is particularly smart.”

“Call up” she silently ordered at Gus behind. “Make sure Clarke does not change her mind about sleeping elsewhere.”

Bellamy only ever stays on guard if Clarke is in her room, which was most of the day, but when she retires for the night at Lexa’s, he had known better than to patrol with Polis soldiers in the hallway of the Commander’s bedroom.

Lexa did not keep her eyes and ears off anyone else who had stories to tell for the remainder of the evening. She shook hands with those she was wary of and tried to use a trick Indra had taught her once - feeling the pulse of a person from a handshake. Indra had said it makes for an easier read on who was lying and who was not. Anya knows the same trick and was better at it. Lexa still preferred to look into people's eyes or listen to their voice and note how they breathe. It was a small victory to not have detected any lies as they ended the night.

Thoughts of Roan's further involvement in this war or Bellamy’s involvement with Pike followed Lexa as she laid down in bed. When Clarke stirred and cuddled into her, she pushed her thoughts back. She was sure that whatever role Roan has, it would for sure involve Clarke and her late father. And whatever plot Bellamy might be part of would break her heart. She kissed her girlfriend's head and willed herself to sleep.

_They will bleed for you._

These were the first words that woke Lexa up for the next succeeding mornings. The best thing about this summit was that she has all her allies in a row. And she gets to witness them in action, may it be in a conference room, passionately debating political tooics and military strategies. Or in hushed tones of carefully moving their own armies around the world to protect their nations and this alliance.

The worst part is getting a very clear view of how much blood has been spilled in a war that none of them really knew the reason for.

Threat. History. Pride. Revenge.

On the second to the last day of the summit, Kane managed to squeeze in an hour-long memorial for all those who have fallen. Clarke made a speech about how their families will be taken care of. Because at the end of the day, they were somebody's son, daughter, father, mother, friend...love. And those who are in a position to offer what has been denied have the duty to pull through. Lexa followed by vowing that they will not have died in vain. Because they were noble heroes and heroes must never die for a war lost in ashes.

At the end of their speeches, an ambassador commented that Lexa and Clarke make quite a duo, a balance in the scales of war. Clarke took it as a compliment and chatted the rest of the day away. Lexa took it as a threat. That night, she found Clarke had stayed up to tell her good news.

Their allies in the south have moved volunteers to Border Canyon, as a form of goodwill, seeing as how Arkadia and Polis had promised assistance beyond the war.

"They reward loyalty with loyalty" Clarke hummed sleepily into Lexa. It was her way to pacify the suspicious thoughts of her girlfriend.

Lexa has yet to ask the South and it baffled her that they moved without so much as a trade. Clarke said there was a trade and they will talk specifics in the morning, but she would not be part of it. She was trusting that one to Kane. And since Anya and Kane were handling the terms, she had thought that Lexa would approve the final result. What is important is that allies and neutrals truly see what power there was in the Polis-Arkadia stronghold.

"Plus you have showed your troops your loyalty" Clarke continued to mumble as Lexa felt the lure of sleep engaging her. "There was a time when only your ruthlessness would have shown...now they see you have a loyal heart."

_There will come a time when such loyalty must be repaid._

Lexa opened her eyes in a shock. She remained motionless in bed. She checked the time. That was an hour of sleep, at most. She was not entirely sure she ever felt asleep. Clarke had her back on her, hugging a pillow on the other side of the bed. She suspected that maybe her rib started to hurt again because this was her go-to position whenever she tried to baby her injury.

Slowly, Lexa sat up in bed and recounted the discussions and tales she heard earlier at the dinner. She had been fooling herself enough to make her generals lay off Roan.

The prince was no friend. And ally was a really loose term.

She would be stupid to trust him. But maybe, more foolish if she chooses to ignore all that he has provided them. She kept count -- he has not given them bad intel just yet. That was more than she could ask from both her team and Clarke's.

Lexa felt a testy flare ignite inside her.

She will never trust Azgeda. But when the war is over, they will still be there. If she would ever allow that entire nation to continue standing, they cannot exist only to stand against her. There should be a third option. Something unavailable to all that has come before her.

A captured Prince whose loyalty to his people is much stronger than that for his mother.

It was a gamble. It may be the most daring plan she has ever hatched and definitely the biggest risk she will ever take but time was ticking. She needs to put an end to this war before it cost her all that she held dear.

Lexa jumped out of bed, kissed Clarke on the cheek and changed into much more decent clothes. Dressed in fatigues and the bomber jacket that still held the letter with the words haunting her sleep, she left her room with only Gustus trailing her. She left specific instructions to the rest of the security team stationed at the door.

No Arkadian soldier goes in until she gets back. Even if the Ambassador gives her permission. She would rather have Clarke angry at her than find her murdered by Pike's minion.

The walk to where Roan was secretly was probably the most conflicted Lexa had ever felt. She knew she should not be seen otherwise it would cause another pseudo-uprising from her generals. They still want him dead as a statement to the Azgedan Queen. Titus still spews to anyone who would listen that the longer Roan was alive, the weaker their defenses go. Indra had held her tongue on the matter but that was more telling than most. She did not want him dead but his presence in the tower was enough for her to double her guard on Lexa.

And Anya had been clear. Unless Lexa has a long-term plan for Roan, he should not be kept alive. Or at least be made to appear dead.

Gustus stayed a few steps back to guard the hallway while Lexa accessed a secret compartment hidden behind a painting just outside her office. He jogged towards her and they made the long trip up a concealed stone staircase. Anyone following these steps would sadistically enjoy the pain that the image conjures. It was a hellish, ghoulish prison fit for the most hated and feared creatures to walk the earth. Lexa scoffed to herself when they reach the solitary door on top of the stairs, guarded by four sentinel guards, all handpicked by Lincoln from his most trusted unit.

Compared to Titus who was rotting in the dungeons, Roan was quite literally in the clouds.

The guards looked mildly shocked to see her at that hour. The only people who actually visit him were Clarke and occasionally Anya. Lexa only ever sees him when she goes with Clarke. And it was always on broad daylight. The guards took a step back from an engraving on the wall. Lexa pressed her thumb on the Seal of Polis, and the computer chip embedded in it pricked her thumb. Once her blood was processed, the stone walls made cracking sounds before sliding apart to reveal the entrance to Roan's cell.

Lexa stepped inside and just behind steel bars, she could already see Roan perched up on the cushioned lone windowsill. His eyes darted to his visitors and as Lexa typed in the security code to open the gate, she heard his heavy breathing as he slowly made his way down to the floor.

Lexa waved her hand and Gus remained behind the steel gates as they began to lock up again, the stone wall behind him already closed. She surveyed one of the most secure rooms in the tower.

This was, by no means, a prison. There was a twin sized bed, air conditioning, heater unit, and a whole shelf of books. On the center table, there was a chess board and stacks of various international newspapers. And on one corner, a locked steel cabinet which housed all the medication Roan was still under. The Prince was not rotting in confinement. While his liberty is at Lexa's hands, this must be the most comfortable he has been since his exile.

Roan stood a few paces from her, confused, his eyes fixed on her torso, probably wondering if she was armed or not.

"I am here to talk" Lexa said, reading his mind.

"Then may I freshen up, Commander?"

Lexa flickered her eyes at the curtains drawn on the far side of the room and nodded. As Roan cleaned himself up behind the curtains, Lexa still made sure she never has her back on where he was. Part of her wishes she was like Clarke in seeing Roan for the person he is and not for his bloodline. But they all have their pasts and while Roan had never been an advocate of his mother's causes, part of his life had been lived serving in her army.

And that army had cost Lexa too much.

Too much, too soon.

She leaned on the wall and waited until he deemed himself presentable. She watched as he sat back one of the chairs in the small circular, marble table at the center of the room. He still moved slow, and still fought the urge to massage or scratch the scars on his wrist from when he was shackled up.

"They'd have been deeper...if Clarke did not ask for them to be removed" Roan noted when he caught Lexa's eyes.

He still talked slow, weighted but at least he no longer struggled the way he did when he first came out of his torture of a coma.

"I had a meeting a couple of nights ago. Two names kept coming up."

"Mine and the Secretary's?"

Lexa shook her head.

"Titus?"

"I have dealt with him. He should remain irrelevant to my guests."

Roan's eyes narrowed at her. Lexa remained stoic, awaiting for another guess, perhaps a name from his lips that has not come up from anyone else.

"How well do you know the man guarding your woman?"

Lexa focused on not giving any hint of what she had been fearing to hear.

"Blake."

"Yes” Roan smiled weakly. Like he was sorry for her. “I know him. I have seen him in campus before."

"He used to be assigned to her before he became an officer. She knows him well. Trusts him."

"So did the Secretary."

Lexa pursed her lips, annoyed that Roan would just not be frank about what he was implying but also mildly impressed at how he had managed to survive his exile days when he held this much information. The fact that he was still alive was a feat in itself. His mother’s enemies must have come for him and with little to no security in Arkadia, they could have been successful. The late Chancellor must have placed a lot of trust and security on him.

The question was why.

"How do you know so much for a man who was banished?"

"Banishment made sure I could not see home. And home would not have its claws on me” Roan replied with a sense of relief. “What else was I to do but get to know the players in the chess board you have confined me to?"

Lexa’s eyes flickered on the unarranged board between them. Roan must have been playing the game by himself. Indra had once told her that it was the best way to learn. It should provide you with means to think as yourself and your enemy. More importantly, it was the only way to truly see the value of one’s advantage…and the need for one’s sacrifice.

"Is this why the late Chancellor turned to you? You knew too much?"

"I knew enough that he trusted my counsel."

"And now my bomb threatens your home."

"The thing about bombs, Commander, is that it never threatens just its target."

Lexa breathed slowly. Of course, Roan would bring this particular issue up.

"Hmm."

"The late Chancellor knew that."

"Pryan's men knew too."

"I suspect my mother does as well” Roan paused to seemingly gauge Lexa’s reaction to this. She did not give any. “It would not surprise me that she truly enjoyed reading tabloids of your relationship with Clarke. She knows you would never willingly do anything which will put her in harm."

Lexa scoffed.

"Then she does not believe the reputation she has labelled Commanders."

"You were never just a Commander."

Of course.

Lexa had wondered just how much culture Roan was getting these days. How much studying goes into his days being locked up in a tower? She studied the line of books stacked up on the shelves and noticed that some of them are black leather bound notebooks.

Journals.

"You believe it” she said, gesturing at what she assumed were pieces of the story haunting her and Clarke. “You know the legend."

"I believe it to be a prophecy” Roan corrected. “Clarke's father did too."

“He so easily believed it?”

"Why else would he have made his bomb accessible to her?"

"You think Clarke will bring Polis to an end."

Roan shook his head. He looked away quickly like he wanted to hide his own fears. Lexa caught the tail end of the most honest emotion he had the misfortune of not concealing. His thoughts had gone dark and deep with fear. For the first time since encountering Roan years ago, Lexa found herself daunted by the aura which follows this man.

"Clarke will hate you” Roan said very quietly, his voice dancing into a whisper of shaky discourse. “When she visits here, she would talk of lessons Polis has taught her. She adores just how your people love you. She respects it, you know. The almost blind faith they put in you. She is even growing to understand that the bloody history is part of you.”

“Spare me from the patronizing.”

“You mistake me for my mother” Roan snapped.

Lexa smirked. Roan may have his allegiance up in the air but she still knew which buttons to press. Parents will always be a sensitive comparison for children who want nothing more than to walk their own paths. She stared at him, edging him on to continue his rather tiring monologue.

“She glows at the mere mention of you. She has seen you grow into a woman she could spend the rest of her life with."

_Heights which will require sacrifice on every turn._

Lexa had a sick feeling that she knew exactly where his thought process lead. She did not have to imagine it – the kind of sacrifice her position and her power would demand. She thought she had already paid it once before.

"I did not grow up with it, Commander but I know adoration when I see it” Roan continued. “There is absolutely no one on this planet who loves you as much as she does. Which means there is no one else capable of hating you."

"Your view of love intrigues me."

"At least I have a view."

Lexa scoffed again.

“You debate it in your head, don’t you? On whether your status as this all powerful leader resonates on your relationship?”

“You are reaching, Roan.”

Roan shook his head in disagreement but did not press on the issue. For Lexa, she knew that this was just part of the mind games. She knew to expect it when she made her way up here. She knew that Clarke had talks with him and since Roan is extraordinarily gifted with reading people, he would have had clues on things that matter or bother Clarke.

What bothered her is what had gotten him to the conclusion that she did have fears that Clarke was tipping the balance of their relationship in her favour. More unsettling was the fact that the first time she had allowed the thought to fully emerge was in the presence of an unknown variable and not with the girlfriend she was keen on protecting.

“We have gone off topic” she said warily.

"If you bomb Azgeda, it will seal Arkadia's fate. My mother knows this. I would not put it past her to be counting on it."

"You betray her?"

"Look at me, Commander. Do I seem to be in a position to keep my loyalties?"

Lexa smirked at him. He did not look like a man with loyalties. Just one with untapped value. She waved her hand at him to keep talking.

"Seal Arkadia's fate and you tip the scales against you. They will never beat you in the battlefield. But you will lose her. When you do, you will lose her mother and without the Chancellor's support, you lose half of your alliance."

Lexa already knew all of this. Arkadia was not nearly as powerful as Polis but they are every bit as influential. And the Chancellor has a seamless way of connecting to the masses. So, does Clarke. It would take one dramatic political stage play for some of their allies to put pressure on Polis to drawback on the gunfire and change war tactics, else they lose crucial support.

"To answer your question, Commander. No. Clarke will not end Polis” Roan continued, the graveness in his voice is coloured with a cheeky sense of victory. “Clarke will end you. And like I said... You were never just a Commander. You stand on the highest of pedestals and gaze upon a new millennia. One which you shape with your own hands today."

“I will never betray her and she will never choose to hurt me.”

“But you can both very easily beat each other at this game our birth rights have plunged us all into. You are both still playing, aren’t you?”

Lexa’s eyes flickered at the chess board again.

Of course they are. They all are.

She may have banned politics from their relationship but the minute they step out of their bedroom, it still pounds on them, demands of them…expects so much from them. She knew that deep down, if it came down to it, she would never willingly lose a game. And Clarke was far too good at it now to just give way.

Ascendancy.

Clarke said that was the scariest thing about Lexa.

The scariest thing about Clarke was she may not fully be aware yet of how much of it she has.

Lexa sees it in her from the minute the first light of the morning enters their room and hits Clarke’s face. She hears it in the sincerity of Clarke’s words. She gets drunk on it with ever kiss and touch good night. Roan was not reaching at all. Her generals knew. Anya could read it. Indra feared it.

Arkadia may never overpower Polis but Clarke had long ago won Lexa over.

"You present situations wherein I cannot win” she growled subtly.

"Did you come here to ask for ways to win? The Commander of Blood asking me of an advantage?”

_The wonders of heights you should never surrender._

Clarke was not asking her to surrender anything and Roan’s mind games have ran out of time.

Lexa is not the same person she was when she first read that letter. She stood there, in a jail cell of an exiled Prince, with the wisdom that can only be found when faced with the sole option of retreat. There is a humility in her that none of the Commanders must have ever faced, a resolve that maybe war does not only take.

Soldiers must give away pieces of themselves too. And Commanders…must give more.

 “Give me a way into Azgeda” she laid her cards down. “And you will have your freedom.”

“And what shall I do with that freedom when my kingdom is in shambles?”

“Build.”

Roan visibly threw his head back. He must have caught the hint of what her future plans were but he has history with Lexa. He has scars to prove just how ruthless, calculating and borderline cruel she can be. He, of all people, knew how smart and manipulative this Commander is. Lexa watched as he erased the thoughts of his freedom. He did not trust her any more than he trusted this implied offer.

“You mean to take my kingdom down from the inside? Do you not have a spy in there already?”

Lexa thoughts quickly drifted to the hell Ontari and her troops are going through as they speak. The offer of the Queen still stands but sooner or later, it will become apparent that the young general had been playing on both sides. And as much animosity there was between them, Lexa knew which side Ontari was most loyal to. She, afterall, would not have risked her life communicating with the Queen if it were not for the mandate given to her by the Commander.

“I have spies everywhere. None of whom can be as effective a weapon as you are.”

“You mean to set me free only to return to a home you have destroyed. I cannot help you do that.”

The danger with conversing with Roan was that he really had too much to offer but very little to lose. Lexa weighed her options on how to go about offering this deal without actually presenting what it was she had on the table.

“But I can offer you advice on how to proceed” Roan broke through her thoughts. “My mother keeps her prisoners in tunnels deep in the mountains. If you need men who hate her more than you do, you might want to set those free.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at the voluntary leak of information.

“I sense a catch.”

“Their warden is a loyal friend. She will help you get them out. But she awaits word from one person only.”

“You.”

“Yes.”

“You mean to take the trip with my men” Lexa humoured him. “In the foot of the mountains where both our armies are killing each other for territorial control.”

“I do not have the desire to leave the security of your prison, Commander.”

“You want me to send Lincoln.”

Roan looked surprised that that was the name Lexa concluded right away. Lexa chastised herself inwardly. She had just given away how much she trusted her brother. Perhaps, even how much she cared for him.

“She answers to no other general or man.”

Lexa realized in that instant what Roan was actually suggesting.

“The game is easy, Commander, when you were born with advantage. You and I both know this. So does Clarke. So does my mother. Ascendancy is a powerful tool.”

Lexa ignored that word.

Ascendancy.

It sounded so much better from Clarke’s lips.

“But at the turn of this war, we have all lost the best of our status” Roan continued, unfazed. “Except you.”

“I see your mother’s talent for trickery flows in your veins” Lexa flicked her tongue in honest distaste. “You cannot help your nature any more than I can help mine. Your traps are compelling if futile.”

“This is not a trap, Commander. This is a counteroffer.”

“You have used your time wisely here.”

“There is one more thing. The late Chancellor kept a journal away from his home. I have it. I sent it to my friend for safekeeping. I do not know what is in it. Only that it explains how your Clarke is the key to all of this.”

Lexa stood up from her seat. That was not what she came here for but it could probably be more. The game-changer she had been waiting for. She knew that she was not in need of the knowledge on how Clarke fits into her late father’s plans nor does she need her to set hers in motion. What she wanted was the why. Why would a father put all of that in a daughter?

It was almost as harsh as what her own father would have done.

“Does your offer expire?” she asked just before Gustus opened the steel bars.

“No. But people’s lives do” Roan replied, knowing that he had gotten the upper hand in this meeting.

As soon as the gates behind her closed, Lexa made up her mind.

The first thing she set her mind to accomplishing was getting word out to Ontari. She knew it would be tricky, knowing that her troops had to move to an off the grid location. She also knew that she would have to do this without any help. It felt almost lucky that the War Room was almost empty. Only two of her generals were there, getting briefed by their respective lieutenants of realtime updates in two operations Polis had been carrying out abroad. They looked stunned to see her, wondering silently if they had a schedule briefing.

She waved her hand at them to continue then sat quietly in her usual seat. She listened to a report on a successful joint airstrike they conducted with one their allies from the North. Then she slowed her breathing at the news that a fleet of their submarines have gone quiet. She eyes her navy general, waiting for whatever response she would give their troops.

The head of her suboceanic fleet is a woman around Indra's age. She had trained Lexa in basic sea survival skills. She was one of the very few people who knew of her unexplainable fear of drowning. As far as Lexa knows, Admiral Safira has not told a soul about it. Her reward was her current post, something she did not ask nor lobby for but has been exceedingly excellent. That, in turn, added Lexa's growing respect for her. That respect was also why Lexa has not stepped in with what she thinks should happen.

Admiral Safira eyed her. She was sure that he Commander did not show up in the War Room by happenstance. They have not even informed Anya about the currently missing fleet. The fact that there was no one there to cushion this huge dent in her grand design was enough to make any seasoned wartime hero second guess the next reasonable step.

"Status quo" Admiral Safira finally said, eyes still on Lexa. When Lexa did not react, she faced her lieutenant and kept firm. "Hourly updates to me but nothing more."

"I need the room" Lexa spoke for the first time when all orders have been transmitted.

Her generals piled out but Admiral Safira lingered at the door after it had closed.

"Commander, the men on that fleet--"

"Knew what they signed up for. No point rescuing the dead."

"Or they could just be keeping quiet until the waters have calmed."

"All the more reason not to do anything. Fine call, Admiral" Lexa rewarded. "Keep watch."

"Yes, Commander."

When she had the room all to herself, she set some coordinates on the screen to get access to a satellite feed on the Cold Mountains. The fact that they can look in this region now without a time limit and without hiding the fact was attributed to her and Clarke double-teaming Kane just a few days ago. Polis peeking into Arkadia was the worst-kept secret in the world but even then, there was always a dance around the particular subject. For the first time since they had the technology, they now have explicit permission to use it.

The grounds were quiet. At least to a war zone. Lexa decided to risk it. She connected herself to a secure line and waited until someone from the other end of the satellite phone picked up.

"This is Frost" Ontari's grave voice greeted her.

“This is Nyx”  Lexa replied.

Ontari must have gotten the message that Lexa did not want anyone to know it was her. She did not greet her formally nor acknowledge her with any name or reference to her rank.

"Expect fiery rain under lunar wings"

"What? No."

"Tick. Tock. Tick" Lexa relayed her codes.

"More like tricks, tricks, tricks" Ontari protested. "Followed by dumb, dumb, dumb. Which should go well with all the bombs, bombs, bombs."

Lexa rolled her eyes. She did not need to explain herself to Ontari but nonetheless she promised there would be an explanation as soon as it was humanly possible.

"Has this been delivered to Frost?"

Ontari sighed, cursed and grumbled a few other undesirable things she usually calls Lexa to her face, when they have the luxury of reverting to their teenage selves.

"Like icicles on a cold winter night" she snapped.

"Eyes open" Lexa bid before killing the line.

Now all that was left was to tell Anya her plan, while ordering her to get Raven out of her location. After that, host the Summit Alliance Ball with her First-Daughter-turned-Ambassador girlfriend by her arm and keeping a line between the First Daughter Ambassador part and the girlfriend part.

It did not seem to be an ordeal when she found Clarke in her own room an hour later.

Lexa strolled past the guards and found her girlfriend sprawled on her bed sharing a tray of brunch with Octavia, arguing passionately with Anya sitting on the ottoman at the foot of the bed. It was quite a contrast of the heaviness her morning started with. She spotted Indra standing by Clarke's desk and she looked like she was done with the conversation a lifetime ago. Lexa chuckled because at the exact moment, nothing looked more normal, more calm and in a way, more hopeful.

The spoiler was Bellamy hovering at the far corner. Lexa realized that it must be why Indra had subjected herself to the torture of three women in their twenties, in a dramatic discussion of something that seemed so trivial. Lexa gave Bellamy a look then subtly flicked her head, telling him to leave the room.

Clarke must have caught the exchange because while she was still playfully refereeing Octavia and Anya at the same time playfully dodging their prodding, she turned slightly to Bellamy and mouthed an "it's okay."

Bellamy exited the room quietly and Indra locked the doors behind him and took the spot where he was standing, commenting that this conversation has been going in circles long enough that their food have gone cold. Octavia raised her hand in surrender before chugging down a glass of orange juice.

Clarke smiled warmly at Lexa who finally snapped herself out of her sentimental trance. She kissed Clarke on the forehead as Octavia went back on her earlier point.

Lexa shot Anya a look.

_What did I walk in on?_

Anya hid a small smile from her lips but through her eyes, Lexa could read that she was being told to wait for it.

"She already knows!” Clarke cut off her best friend. “A lot of things miss her desk but never her daughter’s affairs.”

Lexa took a step back from the bed and frowned at her.

“People are dying all over the world and there is a very good chance Azgeda has set its eyes on our capital. Lexa literally had a sales pitch to get my mother out of there—“

“You want to throw Abby out of her own country?” Octavia asked Lexa in an surprisingly calm but heavily suspicious tone.

“Stay on topic, Octavia” Anya cautioned.

“My point is no serious newspaper would run with us” Clarke said exasperatedly. “The tabloids have been on a frenzy before -- with whoever they spot me with. It’s nothing new.”

Lexa finally got around to what was all the fuss about. The Ball would be a heavily publicized event and people are bound to put periods where there were once question marks. She leaned back on the wall and waited for the rest of this conversation to unfold because from where she was standing, it was not her who had more to lose. Her generals had already been put to place regarding Clarke. The rest of Polis would have no choice but to accept that this Commander actually goes home to someone. And she could very easily just ignore the questions.

The biggest concern she would consider discussing is that a public show of this relationship will paint a bigger target than they already have on themselves.

Clarke, on the other hand, comes from a country where every single person seemed to have an opinion. And their voices get too loud.

“Except you have never been on a date with a head of state” Octavia countered Clarke’s point. “Or with another woman. At least not publicly. I know how we all love to pretend we’re evolved human beings but this is Arkadia we’re talking about.”

Clarke shrugged like it was not a big deal.

“And you have never been this open about anyone you’ve attended an event with. You’ve never even taken anyone to an official event!”

Lexa smiled darkly, remembering how hard it was for them to even get a picture of Clarke before.

“Well, I’ve never been in-love with any of them. Not really, anyway. Not like now.”

Lexa’s insides fluttered at how simply Clarke put it. She didn’t even turn to look at her. She was that sure that Lexa already knew, she needed everyone else in the room to know it too. Anya stole a quick glance on the half-horrified but mostly gushing look Lexa had on her face as her girlfriend effectively shut everyone up.

"My mom knows exactly how I feel for Lexa” Clarke said, looking surprised that the statement would still be met by held breaths. “She sent me here fully aware of it and when I chose to stay here with her, that was all the confirmation she needed to realize how serious this is.”

“Your mom is one thing, she is bound to love you even if you ended up topless on every newspaper in the world” Octavia said, a little more warmly than she had been the entire time of the discussion. “She does not need you to say it out loud because all she has ever cautioned you on is having good people around you.”

“Well…” Clarke considered what she was implying. “Well, O… The rest of Arkadia is going to have to live with it. They can deal with knowledge of my personal life at their own pace but I think I’m gonna pass on the prospect of having to walk them through it. Last I checked, I wasn’t running for office and I didn’t need their approval ratings."

"Good speech” Anya said, clasping her hands in front of her. “You still have not answered the question. When you're introduced at the Ball, it will be as..?"

"Clarke Griffin."

Lexa smiled proudly before uprooting herself from the wall to give Clarke another kiss.

“You have ants in your bed” Octavia commented under her breath when the kiss lingered long enough to make the rest of them uncomfortable.

Lexa loved the feeling. Being able to freely express her pride in Clarke in front of people who were important to the two of them. If they were not under threat of being assassinated, captured or both, she might find it within her to do show affection more openly.

“Hey, you and Lincoln get your sweet on too” Clarke defended as soon as her lips were free. “We barely do PDA in front of any of you”

Octavia rolled her eyes.

“No, you literally have ants in your bed, Clarke.”

Lexa could not have flinched fast enough. Her eyes zeroed in on the small trail of ants crawling towards the brunch tray on Clarke’s bed.

“This is why you do not eat cereals here!”

Clarke burst out laughing without any care on the indignant stance her girlfriend posed against ants.

When Anya miraculously slipped off her facade, her shoulders shook as she tried to get hold of her calm once more. It failed because Octavia's laugh that is in perfect harmony to Clarke's was probably the most contagious thing in the world. Indra sighed loudly from behind them which only made them laugh that much harder.

It annoyed Lexa but it also filled in the hallowing pits of her stomach with warmth and comfort. She has had her eyes on horizons and blood that this familiarity to safety almost felt foreign. She allowed the laughing at her expense, pursing her lips at Clarke.

Anya finally stood up, knowing that moments like this could not really last.   

“You two should start getting ready” Lexa played off being stern about the whole thing. “I will see you tonight, love”

Anya and Indra followed her out, with the latter asking for permission to take her leave to attend to the final security arrangements for tonight. Lexa led Anya to the room at the end of the hall, now a fully-operational office and lounge for Clarke's special forces security team. To their surprise, Luna was there, being presented emergency exit plans for what looked like a layout of the main ballroom. She stood in attention as soon as she saw Lexa and even though the Commander's eyes zeroed on her still bandaged torso, Lexa rewarded her with a look of approval.

Lincoln did say Luna was on the mend. Not healthy enough to resume duty but enough to keep an eye at Clarke tonight.

"Clear the room" Lexa ordered.

When the soldiers piled out, Lexa wasted no time telling Anya where she was and what she planned to do about Roan's information. Anya did not look at all surprised. She reminded Lexa that they had both expected this. Roan was bound to at least try and reel them into a trap.

"I do not think it is a trap."

Anya frowned at what she was being told. She, better than anyone, would know that once Lexa is convinced about something, her mind is a mountain to be shaken. She waited for instructions on what Lexa wanted to do next.

“We are moving the bomb.”

Anya took a step back in surprise.

“He got to you” she whispered, almost horrified that Roan’s mind games went as far as Lexa deciding to move the one weapon she has over everybody.

“It is not about that.”

“You are scared, Lexa”

Lexa heard more than just fear in Anya’s voice. It was a rare case of sisterly affection. Anya was talking to the person, not the position. She was worried for the only semblance of family either of them had and in moments of silent crisis, she had chosen to step out of the cocoon of their birth rights and into the stronger bond that has held them together for so long.

This exchange left Lexa with a gratification almost similar to the normality of the scene she walked in on in Clarke’s room.

It was a stolen fabric in the grand design of the history they were building.

“I want the Arkadian team back here” she said, shaking off all traces of sentimentality. “In custody. We extract Raven first. Once she is secured, we move in for the team and then we move for the bomb. I want it closer to Polis.”

“Behind Arkadia’s back?”

“Raven can report to Secretary Kane or the Chancellor once she is secured here.”

“Will she be in custody, Commander?”

Lexa knew Anya was not asking as a soldier. She was asking as somebody else’s…someone.

“As far as the council believes, she still is. Though I doubt we have enough jail cells and chains to hold her”

Anya hid her smile.

“I do not want to leave your side at a time like this” she said, knowing that it would be her duty to extract Raven. But, she, above all, knew what remained to be her most sacred duty. “This summit is crucial and what happens after – whatever you decide moving forward – will shape the course of this war.”

“I do not want you where I am not either.”

Lexa could hear herself telling Clarke, months ago, that should it come down to it, Anya had the hardest job of all. Taking the life of someone she had pledged her whole life to serve and protect. Lexa knew loss and pain but to this day, she had yet to kill someone she truly loved.

Anya walks the earth every day, fully aware that the price of this war for her is far more grave than the rest of them.

“Lincoln” she said almost in relief.

Lexa nodded.

At the end of the day, she trusted only Anya to kill her. And only Lincoln to do everything else.

“Have you told him?”

“I believe I owe him and Octavia at least one dance together.”

“May I warn her?”

“Call her now.”

Lexa followed Anya to a secret room within her office to make the call to Raven.

Raven answered at the first ring on the line which seemed to have troubled Anya. It was pouring mad at Raven's location and she had been huddling next to her computer, she explained, before letting it slip that she has been missing her girlfriend. Anya stole a nervous glance at Lexa who gave her a smirk. The only worse kept secret in all of Polis next to the Commander and the Ambassador is that the Commander's second-in-command has been making secret trips to a forbidden lover.

Forbidden.

Growing up, Lexa remembered listening to Anya's endless tirades against all things forbidden to a future Commander of Blood. How far have they fallen from grace.

Or in Clarke's words, how far have they come towards it.

Anya explained to Raven that there has been a change in the plans and within the next days, Lincoln would come for her. She seemed troubled by the fact that Raven did not question it either.

"Is there something you are not telling me?" she asked after she gave her specific instructions not to set off any of their defenses should Lincoln arrive.

"You may not be the first one to have asked me to be moved."

Lexa raised an eyebrow, and Anya pressed her finger against her lips quickly. Raven did not know Lexa was listening in. It would seem that between the two of them, Anya was still more pro-secrets towards her other half than Lexa was nowadays.

"What do you mean?"

"Abby called me last night. Something about a possible extraction because all hell is breaking lose and she was afraid I will get caught in the crossfire. I don’t think she’s told Clarke yet. I told her it was a bad idea."

"Because?"

"It's storming, babe. And as much as we know how to handle nuclear bombs, I doubt our soldiers are equipped to handle this kind of weather with this kind of cargo. It’s a recipe for disaster."

"Was that a lie?"

Raven fell silent on the other end.

“Raven? Is that the only reason why you advised against your extraction?”

"Any use of this bomb will lead to Arkadia's ruin in the slowest, most excruciating way for future generations. Any use of this bomb behind Lexa's back will lead to my death…rather automatically. What do you think?"

Lexa could tell that they have had this conversation before. And she could see the discomfort in Anya's eyes that she could not reassure her own girlfriend that she would never allow her boss to kill her. At the end of the day, Anya would allow it. Or at the very least, do it herself with a degree of mercy and atonement.

A swift, painless, dignified and necessary death. The same one she had promised Lexa.

"Lincoln leaves soon" Anya appeased. "I will see you when you get back."

Lexa smiled darkly. She did not even mention to Anya where she was planning to stash the bomb but if there was anything predictable about her, it was that she would be keeping all her weapons close.

Bombs. People. Plans.

"Stay alive, beautiful" Anya bid.

"Don't have too much fun without me" Raven teased before ending the call.

"Now, what?" Anya asked Lexa after.

"We dance with the best and worst of them."

The leaps they have made during this summit which was essentially for Lexa to get a clearer picture of her alliance were enough to get her spirits lifted. Just a few hours before the evening Ball, Anya came to her room to tell report that the trade deal was finalized. Abby also called her on her private line. Though she made no mention of her own plans regarding Raven, she did seek Lexa's counsel regarding the trade. She was worried that a weaponized strain of the antidote falling in the wrong hands would create a bigger problem

Lexa knew it would and she pointed this out, saying that if the deal was already final, there was no point to the conversation.

Abby said she did not bring it up to change the terms only that she was doing it because Clark persuaded her to.

“How is she?” she asked Lexa towards the end of the conversation.

“Surpassing all expectations.”

"She is well?”

“Yes.

“You know, she trusts you more than she should" were her parting words to Lexa before wishing the ball a success.

Lexa did not get the chance to properly respond which she deemed was probably for the best, given that she could not come up with an appropriate reply anyway. She stalled for as long as she could before getting ready for the Ball. A bad idea considering every news channel she flipped through the TV was covering the Ball. She was about to turn it off but she saw her girlfriend giving a press conference.

With the main staircase of her tower as background.

Clarke was answering questions, taking turns with Kane, an Ambassador from the Southern nations and one of her generals. They were talking about a "united plan for treating the quick spread of unknown substances being used against soldiers." Lexa was just about ready to yell at her guards outside to summon Anya when she heard the soft but urgent knocking on the door.

Anya did not wait for permission. She was breathless and her face fell when she saw that Lexa was already watching the news.

"I was hoping you were too busy getting ready to even think of turning the news on"

"Explain."

"I set it up. We need to head into tonight with a strong and positive look. I only hoped you would hear of this from me instead of seeing it."

"Why?"

_"...and I have every confidence in the Commander's new set of war articles and profound respect for all that we have built here in the last couple of days. Should our allies call, we will answer and should they lay down their arms, raise their white flags, we will show a befitting sense of mercy as we seek justice all deserve."_

Lexa turned her head slowly back at the screen where Clarke had just gotten a round of applause from the crowd behind her. She had not noticed before but a majority of their allies or at least some representatives from delegation have turned up for the press conference and were now clearly showing their delight on what they just heard. Her own generals was clapping under a masterclass of reservedness.

"You said she could say that?"

"It was part of her terms on the deal."

"Mercy--"

"--is subjective, Commander."

Lexa eyed Anya with a warning.

"She worries of your death."

"You balked over an uncertain prophecy?"

Anya shook her head.

"It is going to be a long night, Commander. I balked because there are bigger battles to be fought. And it would be better if whomever we play with have let their guards down."

Lexa scoffed but her silence spoke volumes of how she was in agreement with this move.

"Commander, at some point, you and I will have to stop pretending that you still deny the veracity of this prophecy."

"Not tonight, though, I would fervently hope" Lexa snapped quietly, through clenched teeth.

Anya knew that was nothing but a crack of Lexa's brand of incensed agony over something she had yet to find a solution to. She allowed a few moments of peace to envelope the both of them before meeting her Commander's eyes. She gave a soft bow and left. When she came back up to help Lexa finish getting ready, she was already dressed in a mostly similar all-white suit and a fresher mindset to match Lexa's. She brought with her a red ceremonial sash for Lexa to put on before wearing her long white gala coat.

Lexa has only ever worn the sash once before, on her ascension day. It was the most glorious and rather regal reminder of what she was born into, what she has bled and worked for and what she will probably die of. Anya made last minute adjustments on her tie, vest and one last overall look before deeming them ready to leave.

They rode down with Gus to the 65th floor where the main ballroom was. When the elevator doors opened, Lexa was hit with a mixture of strong floral scents and a medley of string instruments playing. She shook her head at how well Anya manages to put on these events.

Flowers. Lights. Music. Drinks. Media coverage with cameras flashing on her face. Coat of Arms of all the Tribes from which Polis was founded.

The entrance lobby was already being cleared and guests were being ushered in before the Commander makes her entrance but there were still some stray camera crews outside.

Gus waved them off and when they scuttled off behind the great doors of the ballroom, Lexa caught a glimpse of the extravagance waiting for them inside. She could already tell it boasted of elegance, laced with tradition, vision and as always, a subtle hint of intimidation for all who would dare defy Polis.

Lexa barely had the time to admire Anya's party-planning because at the sound of the elevator door, her attention was captured by the only beauty that truly mattered.

Clarke grinned at her and twirled to show off the silver gown that Lexa had picked out.

There were days, like today, when Lexa would question her inability to fall out of love from Clarke.

Then there were moments, like now, that she thanked her fate for it.

Clarke is beautiful beyond compare.

But the first thing that has ever placed Lexa in a trance was how Clarke carried herself. It was never with arrogance or a sense of self-entitlement for who she is. It used to baffle her, how Clarke seemed so uninterested of the legacy she was born to.

The heights upon which she stood.

The way her humanity flows out of her unassuming gaze, her compassion for all who work for her and her undying commitment to just being a good daughter and human being were all that make her soul the most beautiful.

Unhinged spirit, dancing to find her place in this world.

Her smile. The way her eyes radiate like clear skies. Her touch, brimming with secrets, loud in their declaration of affection. The curves of her body that Lexa will never get tired of sojourning. Her laughter.

The shy but naughty glint behind her composed expression.

Breathtaking.

Beyond compare.

Lexa held her breath, the way she usually involuntarily does while beholding all that is Clarke.

What a woman of strength, dignity and passion.

What a woman of storied lifetimes, existing in stardusts and transcending universes.

What a women to have.

To love.

She exhaled nervously as Clarke teased her with a smile.

"My dapper, Commander" she greeted in a husky admiration.

Lexa kissed her on the cheek lightly and offered the crook of her arm. Clarke took it wordlessly and just as they all had mentally prepared for, their posse took their spots. Anya stood with Gus behind them. Octavia, on Lincoln's arm followed. Luna, her team and the rest of Lexa's staff, trailed the main party while Clarke's Arkadian security team brought up the rear.

The doors opened and as their names were being announced, Lexa could not imagine a more united front to start a party with, at best, a shaky base.

Lexa walked through with Clarke gripping at her arm. She may not look like it, but her girlfriend was probably the most nervous soul in there. They passed through the small pathway where the crowd was split in the middle of the ballroom and Lexa noticed that the people on the front rows were all Indra's men. All the high profile guests were already in the main tables on the front. The crowd was littered with uniformed men and undercover soldiers, all ensuring that no one comes too close to the Commander.

Unless by design.

No one was taking any chances tonight.

Lexa surmised as much because the main tables were all heavily guarded and after she welcomed everyone with a short speech, nobody started eating right away. Almost comically, the aides all ate first. The threat of the poison had, afterall, been the buzz of this summit. She picked up her spoon to sample her soup and Clarke kicked her under the table. She raised an eyebrow at her.

"Kane told me to wait until the tasters--"

"Indra had an entire unit taste our food literally two minutes ago. No one is getting poisoned tonight."

Clarke smirked at her.

"I smell peanuts" she joked as she picked up her spoon.

Lexa rolled her eyes at her and whispered for her to behave.

Clarke's definition of behave, of course, was very much different from that of Lexa's.

For someone who barely got through her meal because of her nerves, Clarke certainly did not turn down any dance invitations from guests. She would glance quietly and quickly at Lexa before saying yes, but it was always put of respect and never a question for permission. Lexa never wanted nor needed to be asked. But it still made her stomach tingle, seeing how thoughtful her girlfriend is about her feelings.

Even on a night when feelings are set aside for politics.

Lexa was dancing with a Defense Director from their more neutral guests from the South. He was a younger gentleman, probably a few years older than Lincoln but he danced like he had spent lifetimes wooing women. He was charming, maybe even deceptively so and it was this enthralling air in his voice that made Lexa extra cautious in their short exchanges while dancing. It was not until the waning moments of the song that he really captured her interest at the question of Clarke's motives in Polis.

"She certainly has a way about her, does she not, Commander? Our Prime Minister was delighted to have had her company this morning."

"She is a splendid tea guest."

"An even better ally. I had asked you to dance of course, to personally thank you. I understand the prospect of a weaponized cure was a shared endeavour between you and her."

Lexa felt her lip stiffen up. She gave a noncommital nod and when the song ended, sought out Clarke among the crowd. She found her minutes later deep in conversation with two other Ambassadors, Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln.

"There she is" Clarke beamed at her, before introducing the Ambassadors to her.

"The South certainly has brought on quite a parade of talent" Lexa complimented Clarke's new friends.

She knew, too well, that all the last-minute deals which have gone to their favor was because, for no apparent reason, the neutrality of the South had wavered. They had fluttered towards Arkadia’s influence. A little too quickly to be anything but suspicious.

"It is not every day that I find myself in the company of those who make the impossible happen."

Clarke's "work smile" was still plastered at her face but from where Lexa was standing, she could feel that her heartbeat had changed cadence.

"Now. I believe I owe Ambassador Griffin a dance."

Lexa offered her hand and Clarke took it with warmth fondness.

"The impossible happen?" Clarke muttered at her as they positioned themselves for a waltz.

"They managed to garner Anya's momentary approval, did they not?" Lexa smiled testily at her.

From the corner of her eyes, she could see that people had either slowed their dancing down or have come an obvious stop.

"Nervous?" she whispered at Clarke.

"Not when you hold me close."

Lexa forced back a smile. She pulled Clarke closer to her, settling her hand on her hip as opposed to her back. She felt Clarke relax into her and finally she matched the smile on her girlfriend's face.

They moved to the music, a first for them, considering that the only dancing they ever do is either in silence or to some drunken acapella rendition they do in their rooms whenever they get particularly playful in the evening. Lexa can tell they were both very conscious of how the attention in the room is focused on them. It was annoying but at the same time empowering.

In her arms, she was holding a woman of unparalleled beauty and enchanting strength.

The heights upon which she was born to was nothing compared to where she soars whenever she has Clarke this close.

The world was watching, they both knew it, but as the music picked up away from a romantic and classic waltz to a more modern and edgier version, Lexa urged Clarke with a subtle squeeze to focus on her.

The world will get to see just how well they interact together, how rather perfectly they can dance and even how attractive a couple they make.

But they will not see the couple that they are, nor the quiet conversation in their eyes. They will not know how close they are connected beyond the standard distance between dancers. They will not realize how in-tuned they were to each other's heartbeat.

The world gets a front-row view of the strongest Arkadian-Polis alliance there is. But they will not be allowed to view the retreats of this relationship. Lexa held Clarke's eyes deeper and tighter than their skins and hands would ever allow. She kept her head in proper hold position, careful never to lean or brush by Clarke's face, by timed her breathing at pace with her.

A masterclass of diplomatic dalliance clothing the purest, most intimate fidelity.

Clarke cleared her throat when the music came to an end.

"See?" she whispered when they slowly dropped each other's hands. "Not nervous at all."

Anya appeared behind Clarke with an unreadable expression.

"If there were any questions on why this alliance is at its most formidable, I am certain you have silenced the qualms" she muttered, her eyes asking for permission to whisk Lexa away.

Clarke gave her a small smile and excused herself.

"What is it, Commander?" Anya asked when they were left to themselves, standing by the sidelines and watching people interact.

"I will let you know when I figure it out."

Lexa did not know what it was yet, or perhaps, she was not keen on admitting that something about Anya's words frightened her. Accepting the fear of what was implied means that she was finally not disputing the prophecy.

Not disputing the prophecy sends them on the path of fulfilling it.

_The heights upon which she was born calls for sacrifice at every turn._

Her eyes found Clarke on the other side of the room, laughing candidly at a joke shared in the small circle that has gathered around her.

Walking on this prophetic path would demand that she makes the ultimate sacrifice. Lexa cannot have that.

"She is in fine form"

Lexa turned to Prime Minister Casnar, her father's old friend and the man who had indirectly warned her about Bellamy.

"They used to warn warriors of an enchantress, you know" he posed. "Tales of a woman who singlehandedly broughts empires down. The legend lives on."

Lexa remained unmoved.

"He would have approved of her."

"Excuse me?"

"Your father would have approved of the Arkadian Ambassador. A fine weapon to have at your beckoning."

"She is an ally, not a weapon" Lexa corrected calmly.

"Not when she rallies for your humanity the way she does."

"I do not follow your insinuations, Prime Minister."

Prime Minister Casnar stared at her, surprised and slightly disappointed.

"Why do you think the South have pledged their troops at the border if they were not assured of your clemency for past mistakes? It is quite a ploy for Secretary Kane and Ambassador Griffin to even suggest that you would pardon offenses of old…should the war take a turn for the worst."

Lexa gathered herself.

"What a ploy indeed."

The Prime Minister would know that Lexa will never grant any unanswered crimes, no matter how long ago they have been committed. He would believe that Clarke was an instrument to secure the South's support. But Lexa knew that as savvy as Clarke is in political negotiations, she has yet to master the art of international deception.

"Good on you, Commander” he commended with a warmth foreign to Lexa. “For what it is worth, I am happy to see you happy"

Lexa heard the sincerity in the Prime Minister's parting words. She eyed Anya who immediately deployed one of their lieutenants to verify what they just heard.

Throughout the night, Lexa had her exchanges with her guests, all raving about the party, the summit and unimaginably, how well they were doing in the battlefronts. One particular standout was with an Ambassador from a smaller nation, north of Border Canyon. She caught Lexa slightly off-guard at how forward she posed her inquiries on Secretary Pike.

"He is still considered Arkadian, is he not, Commander?" Ambassador Kenway asked, eyes glistening in hungry anticipation. "What of the rumored assassination price attached to his name?"

Lexa narrowed her eyes at her and was about to pose a calmly disguised threat when she felt a hand softly brush the small of her back. Clarke appeared next to her, offering her hand for the Ambassador to shake. She inquired what her new friend was trying to extract from the "good Commander" but Lexa knew that she already heard the question.

The Ambassador changed the topic and before long, the tension in the room dissipated. Anya steered her away from the group and to a new one.

"They are using her" she whispered to Lexa.

"I know."

"She is letting them."

"I know."

It was the theme of the night.

People praising Lexa for a newfound grace in extending a hand to those who have crossed Polis before.

People complimenting her of how well she seemed to handle an unexpected player in the Ambassador.

People inquiring about Pike as though they were in the Commander's inner circle.

People slipping from their acts, displaying their interests in the chatter about a weaponized version of this Arkadian cure.

People making the mistake of joking openly with Lexa regarding her closeness with Clarke.

People assuming that Clarke has a strong influence on the Commander, judging by how Clarke invites familiarity in any conversation they both find themselves in.

Perhaps the highlight of this intrusion to the reputation she has built came at the most inopportune moment, when her patience was at its end and her annoyance at its peak.

"Tell us, Ambassador" Foreign Affairs Secretary Henry from the Southern Borders loudly asked. "How does one get on the Commander's good graces?"

Lexa's eyes flickered on him before turning to find Clarke expertly masking any nerves or awkwardness the question came with. That was almost enough to completely incense Lexa. She knew what these events call for but she hated seeing Clarke having to fight through it.

No matter how much she admired her seemingly endless supply of charm.

"I have learned very quickly, Sir that the Commander responds well to loyalty" she replied, a friendly smiled plastered on her face. "And she really is reasonable when bullshit is off the table."

The group chuckled at Clarke's candor, some forced, some surprised.

Lexa pursed her lips but allowed a quick approving nod towards her girlfriend. She kept silent when Clarke explained to the Secretary's aide on how she was not planning to make a career in politics. She was still keen and very much committed to becoming a doctor. That brought the topic back to the supply on antidotes. They were trying to pry the details of the deal between Arkadia and Polis.

Clarke was gracious enough to point out that without Polis, they would not even have been aware of the existence of the poison.

"If you wanted a deal, Secretary" Lexa cut in. "Perhaps Secretary Kane is who you should be talking to."

"I was not aware the good Secretary had the same privileges as Ambassador Griffin here."

Clarke shot her a warning look because they both know that it was more than just a joke. It was a provocation.

"Neither was I aware that you have missed to study job descriptions" Lexa replied with a smile that could have cut through lead.

Secretary Henry laughed too loudly to be anything other than nervous.

Anya quickly changed the topic to something more neutral while Lexa avoided Clarke's eyes. She did not appreciate being warned against an inappropriate response. She could tell that Clarke, for the rest of the conversation, was overcompensating with the sugar-coated compliments being sent her way.

That was not Clarke. And this was not them.

Compliments were never their thing and for a second, Lexa wondered if that was a flaw in their relationship. She realized that tonight, she had yet to shower Clarke with the same confidence regarding her new post. She was about to sneak in a discreet commendation when some Southern ambassadors joined the conversation. She immediately brought her guard up.

Anya's attention, as well.

When it came to the South, a good defensive stance was always standard.

They brought up the treason trial in Arkadia. Clarke immediately made it clear that she has not been back home for a while, and her new job does not include any sort of privity to the intricacies of the trial. But she was aware and she could more than assure their allies that Arkadian justice will be served.

The senior ambassador shot Lexa a questioning look then eyed Bellamy who was still shadowing Clarke.

"Lieutenant Blake" he read out Bellamy's name tag and rank. "You worked closely with Secretary Pike, if I am correct?"

Clarke turned her head slightly at Lexa, wondering why this is being brought up. Lexa gave her look that she ought to know.

"Correct, Ambassador"

"And now you head the security team watching our young Clarke Griffin...the lady he almost killed. Interesting turn of events, wouldn't you agree?"

"Clarke is a friend" Bellamy said firmly. "It is an honor to provide security for her. And Secretary Pike is innocent until proven guilty. I would like to think that the unfortunate circumstances never stemmed from a desire to harm Clarke."

Clarke smiled nervously as Lexa's eyes blazed underneath her cold facade.

"If I may correct you, Ambassador Razhner" she said, ignoring Clarke's warning not to aggravate the situation. "As per agreement with Arkadia, there is a special forces unit detailed to the Ambassador. Half of which were injured at the blast."

Lexa nodded at Luna who was basically hidden in the shadows of the ballroom's archway. Clarke stepped in and expressed her utmost gratitude to the team she now calls family.

"Well Polis military strength is unquestionable" Ambassador Razhner resigned and raised his wine glass at Lexa. "To your formidability and strength, Commander."

Lexa returned the favor and took a small sip from whatever wine Anya procured for her. She had not taken more than a couple of sips tonight. It was never a rule imposed on her but she had resolved early on in her reign that she will never drink alcohol when in the company of people she does not trust.

"Are enjoying your stay in Polis, lieutenant?" another ambassador asked Bellamy.

"I am, ma'am. Brings back memories when I went to school here."

"Did you happen to share classes with the Commander then?"

Bellamy shook his head.

"I would think the Commander belonged to the elite units."

"The best of the best" Clarke smiled.

"The Commander finished her studies before she turned 18" Anya noted. "Rule and custom. It allowed her plenty of time to grow into the woman you have in front of you."

Bellamy snorted and the entire group turned to him.

"Something funny?" Anya asked him.

"Pardon me. I just remembered this joke in the academy. About how the nobles of Polis would not know a snake if it bit them. Because they do not go to the forests to fight the real wars."

Lexa heard Clarke groan inwardly. She could let this pass and spare Clarke the embarrassment of having to shut him up or...she could spare Clarke from having to say anything at all.

"Funny" Lexa remarked, eliciting odd and subtle gasps from her audience. "From where I stand, I see that the real snakes are not in the forests."

The senior ambassador chuckled although it came out more like a strained cough.

"The lieutenant would be wisely reminded that my country, running on the most elite brand of soldiers, is not the one holding a top official at trial for treason."

"Only because your suspected traitors never make it to a trial, Commander" Bellamy said through clenched teeth.

"A festival of luck for the disgraced Secretary” Lexa smiled as though it was a joke.

The group bought her act entirely and laughed, toasting once more for Lexa's health and a swift execution of justice.

"Justice is highly subjective, is it not, Ambassador Griffin?" the senior ambassador asked.

Lexa took a bigger sip from her glass, watching Clarke fight off a string of nerves.

"I wouldn't say so" Clarke replied, regaining her composure in record time. "Justice is an abstract concept but I believe the Commander would agree with me when I say that it is as simple as bestowing upon someone what is due them."

Lexa inclined her head in approval.

"Would the Commander then agree that a swift death to traitors is much deserved, if not called for?"

"In theory. But that begs the question on who holds a perceived traitor's life in the first place" Clarke said in her diplomatic voice. "When we cross lines that were meant to strengthen our bonds, we let the cards fall off the tower we have built to protect our people."

"Perhaps we should stop building towers made of cards" Anya joked to the amusement of their guests.

Lexa kept quiet, her eyes seeking out answers on what Clarke aimed to achieve out of this conversation that has gone in circles long enough.

"To staying alive" Lexa raised her glass, hoping it would garner her the in she was looking for.

"To living" Clarke added as she clinked her own glass at Lexa's.

"May we all keep our heads and avoid poisonous deaths" the ambassador joyfully chimed in the toast. He took a quick sip before playing out what he must have been wanting to say since this exchange started. "And to opportunities the war bring... To the brilliance of Arkadia's science!"

Clarke was gracious in her wordless response.

"If I may so bold now, what was it truly? The ace that won it all?"

Lexa's eyes narrowed. She was not sure what he was pertaining to. He cannot possibly be asking what finally led to Pike's ploy being discovered. Even Abby was not stupid enough to put it out in the public. He cannot be inquiring about why Lexa called off the hit on Pike either because no one knows that she did except for the people she had hired to kill him.

This was about one of two things then: the bomb or the weaponized antidote.

She studied him closer when she held off answering. She wanted to see him squirm in the awkwardness of the moment where the inquiry was left hanging in the air. When he didn't, she realized there must be a third possible issue. Something she had not foreseen. Something that she cannot put her hand on.

She felt her stomach churn, almost the same way when Anya commented on the dance she had with Clarke.

Lexa knew where all key pieces were. She even knew of Arkadia's plans because of Clarke and Kane. She had eyes in on Azgeda. She had Roan. She had garnered actionable intelligence through this Summit. More importantly, she had narrowed down her allies, neutrals and possible defectors. Even if Clarke was making more friends than she would like and those friends were courting Arkadia more than she would like, she still had her advantages in order.

Yet her guts will not settle.

She breathed slowly, eyes calm and voice cool.

"If there was an ace that won it all, I believe it has eluded me as much as it did you" she replied sincerely.

It was not a lie nor a coy response. It was the truth. And it was bugging the hell out of her that she cannot put a hand to it.

"You mean to say that the rumors of the late Chancellor's creation is nothing but a puff of smoke? Is that not why you are here, Ambassador?"

"You are courting disrespect and desperation, good Sir" Lexa warned. "Tonight is a celebration. Perhaps you should have left your prying in the conference rooms?"

"Have I sniffed too closely?"

"Come forward and we shall see" Lexa taunted in the smoothest of all her work voices.

Clarke clasped her hands and giggled, breaking the tension.

"I am here on the generous invitiation of the Commander, Ambassador. She was kind enough to have offered sanctuary when my life was attempted upon."

Kind was never a word used to describe Lexa and the group knew it. They reacted to it as though it was another invitation to pounce. Clarke shook her head slightly, begging Lexa not to add to the flame.

"Well, if this ace we have heard of has indeed eluded the kind Commander, perhaps before we leave, we shall set up a meeting with you and Secretary Kane?"

"We can figure something out... But don't you think it is downright rude to exclude our generous host from this meeting?"

"Anya will set it up" Lexa decided quickly. She was not going to let this man leave Polis without getting her answers.

"We cannot seem to get anything around you, Commander" joked the Secretary's aide.

"You rush" Anya chided good-naturedly. "Why go around when we can have all this settled face-to-face?"

"Waiting does pay off" Clarke muttered, her tone short of sounding formal or even appropriate. She blushed when she realized they heard her and quickly explained that it took generations to perfect the impenetrable bond Arkadia now shares with Polis.

Lexa smiled at her, despite herself. No one missed the exchange and she scolded herself for it.

"Fascinating read you both are" the Secretary noted, almost fondly.

Lexa turned to him again, waiting for the rest of the statement.

"The Ambassador plays her hand well for someone so young. Then we have someone of such…power who play so cautiously. You hold your cards too closely, Commander"

"I had the impression I was holding them at a reasonable distance. Or at least close enough for anyone to miss they are there."

He laughed as though it was a joke.

Everyone else smiled with a degree of hesitancy. They all knew it was not a joke. Given that most of them have interacted or have known more of Lexa, they knew that it was already a warning. She had grown tired of the scheming going on that night. She was not at all pleased at the familiarity and the comfort some guests now feel they were entitled to. Especially since they were under the impression that they were on Clarke's favors.

It was blatantly obvious that they have fallen into this Arkadian spell and have surrendered to the strategy of winning over the Ambassador with the hopes that she could put in a good word to both Arkadia and Polis.

"And what is a reasonable distance if I may ask?"

"If you can keep your head from a blow."

"And a bit of caution never hurt anybody" Clarke amended with a gracious smile. "If there is something I have learned from my stay here it's that battles are fought every day. And one can never be too careful with whom they fight alongside with."

"It is good that we finally have agreed to numbers then, Ambassador. And a sweeter deal that the Commander has been persuaded to our causes."

Clarke shot Lexa a nervous look.

"Sweeter still that the Commander keeps a close eye on causes not aligned with Polis" Lexa posed.

They exchanged nervous laughter before Anya managed to smoothly and finally excuse them from that conversation, assuring them she will set up the earlier mentioned meeting.

"Baby--" Clarke started as soon as they were away from earshot.

"I do enjoy hosting events simply to drown in the smugness of my guests, my love" Lexa whispered under her breath.

Anya led them to stand by a pillar at the side of the ballroom. She signalled for Gus to clear the immediate area before reminding Clarke to be careful with whom she converses with.

"I haven't divulged anything" Clarke defended. "They simply wanted in on the antidote deal and I haven’t even confirmed there was a deal before you joined in. They are willing to trade in case we were thinking of weaponizing the strain"

"In exchange for what?" Anya prodded.

Lexa was barely listening to the conversation. Her eyes were on Bellamy who had yet to leave Clarke's side all night. She did not like how too-interested he seemed to the information exchanges that evening.

"Can we discuss this elsewhere?" she cut the conversation between the two. "Lest we spill details on a much more delicate advantage in our hands?"

"They're scared, you know" Bellamy chimed in. "Of the threat of your bomb. They would prefer knowing if you did have Jake’s bomb. It's why they're hesitant to make deals with you about what they can provide in exchange for the antidote."

"Perhaps we could all do with some hesitance" Lexa replied coldly.

Bellamy bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from completely dwelling in insubordination.

"Babe, he does have a point.”

“I didn’t ask for it, did I?”

“He's been listening to chatter. The South worries about sending troops because of the effects of a possible nuclear bombing" Clarke soothed, resting a careful hand on Lexa's shoulder. "A little assurance tonight just balances out the fear. They did just pledge their help."

"I did not ask for the South's help" Lexa reminded her. "I wanted to gauge their loyalty. And I had hoped to do so without losing any of my assets."

"Luckily, they don't need your assets. It is our people on the line." Bellamy muttered. “They do not need much convincing when it comes to sacrificing one of our own.”

"And do you need your tongue, lieutenant?" Lexa snapped at him.

“My apologies, Commander. I was only aiming to remind Clarke that the South would have no problem executing our own men if that meant eliminating the threat to their troops.”

“Clearly, you are the man who has the authority and discretion to do so”

“Baby, you’re way overreacting right now“ Clarke said lightly, reaching for Lexa’s arm to rub. “Breathe a little.  Who got on your nerves?”

“I speak only as a friend, Commander” Bellamy continued. “Not all of us regard rank as the deciding factor for who gets to speak.”

“No, some of us require standards when calling for an opinion” Lexa’s growl was apparent to no one but Clarke. The repose in her contempt shone through her glare at Bellamy.

"What's going on?" Octavia asked as she and Lincoln joined them. "People are starting to stare you guys."

Lexa eyed the group.

"If we could all make it through the rest of the night without overstepping our bounds or promising our aid to probable defectors, I would be most pleased" she said before marching out to the nearest door to the balcony.

Gus followed her closely, his eyes concerned by her sudden exit. Lexa saw him check his watch and she rolled her eyes at his seemingly trivial concern.

"Try not to worry, Gustus" she said to him with a smirk still laced with fuming annoyance. "Timing is a slippery bastard."

Gus stared at her for a second, bowed slightly and did not say anything else. He stepped back towards the doorway and waved off all who may have wanted to join Lexa in the balcony.

All but one.

Lexa smelled her perfume when she stopped a few steps behind her.

“I am not going to kill him.”

“I know” Clarke replied quietly.

“I gave you my word he does not die until he gets your brand of justice. But when all this is over. He will taste mine. Believe me when I say that I can wait.”

“I know. Will you look at me please? Why are you angry?”

Lexa sighed and turned to face Clarke. It was unsettling to find her calmer than she was. She did not even look annoyed about the fact that Lexa was blatantly dismissive of their previous conversation. If anything, she was more concerned about what really was going on.

Clarke knew her too well now. She could very easily catch on the underlying issues that Lexa keeps out of the surface.

“I supposed I expected you to be on my side” Lexa spilled.

“I am on your side. What has gotten into you?”

“I thought we were over this? Fighting in public?”

“We weren’t fighting and we weren’t in public.”

Lexa glanced menacingly over Clarke’s shoulders. The party was going on without them and both their security teams have stayed behind. Gus was the only one at the doorway and it was clear that no one was going to be following them outside.

“We were not alone and I do not appreciate being questioned in front of a lieutenant.”

“Okay, first of all – I asked who got on your nerves. No one was questioning you” Clarke patiently told her off. “Second. Bellamy is Octavia’s brother and he is loyal to me. We have been through so much, growing up, he’s basically family to me too. He kept an eye on my mother and has been doing some—“

“He is not family to me.”

Lexa knew how harsh she just sounded. When Clarke fell to silence, she felt like she might have gotten a little too far to prove a point.

“Neither is Indra to me” Clarke noted quietly. “Or even Anya and Lincoln. We always discuss freely in front of them.”

“None of them ever had a traitor as their mentor.”

Clarke looked over her shoulder to check if they were being watched. She must have caught Gus’s eyes because he very discreetly closed the glass doors. The music and chatter from the ballroom muffled to Lexa’s liking.

“Please relax?” Clarke pacified her by running her hands down Lexa’s crossed arms.

“My girlfriend is guarded by a probable traitor. And she still has confidence in him.”

“I love you for worrying but could you really afford to be worrying about me at a time like this?”

“Please do not handle me, Clarke.”

Clarke scoffed and dropped her hands. She took a step back from Lexa and frowned at her, looking like the most confused she has ever been. Lexa stared back stubbornly.

“Will you tell me what it is that’s really bothering you? You’ve been too on edge, it does not seem like you.”

Lexa shrugged.

“Baby, you’re being a child.”

Lexa shrugged again.

“Lex!”

“Something does not feel right and I do not know what it is” Lexa admitted, her voice cracking in frustration.

She watched as the comprehension on Clarke’s face formed. She allowed her to inch closer towards her and when she took her hand, Lexa did not pull away. Clarke kissed both of her knuckles.

“I will sort this Pike mentorship thing out” she promised.

“How do you propose to do that?”

“You win wars, I win arguments, remember?”

“You are very good at winning what you want”

Lexa tried to make her statement sound delicate and sweet but as much as Clarke’s touch appeases her to stop her blood from boiling, she was still on edge and she was still angry about…things.

“You’re angry about something else” Clarke groaned, tugging on her hands with the kind of desperation that borders on high annoyance. “It’s not about Bellamy or my statement to the press or some stupid joke at this party. Can we both just drop the act for two seconds? You’re mad I’m making friends, aren’t you? Friends with people you would rather I stay away from?”

“When I say I need my advantages in this war, Clarke, I mean it. I cannot lose one footing.”

“You won't.”

“The heights unto which I was born to will not be surrendered simply because I fell in-love!” Lexa pushed, surprised that her voice was grew in emotion but not in volume.

Clarke took a step back, hands still linked with hers. She beamed.

“What?” Lexa asked.

“Did you hear yourself?”

Of course she heard herself. It was not entirely an accident that she expressed her feelings. She had been looking for a way to let it out. It was just most unfortunate that it would be under these circumstances. She did not mean for it to come out as an argumentative point.

Lexa could feel herself blushing and it had nothing to do with the mild evening breeze of spring.

Thankfully, Clarke was the type of girl who would give her space regarding misplaced declarations of love.

“Lexa, you are not going to lose the progress of all your chess pieces but you need to understand that I need to protect my people too” she reminded her, as though the “in-love” thing was never brought up. “And our values and all that we stand for. My cause for that does not diminish your power and your position. Nor does our relationship make you any less of a powerhouse.”

“If you say so.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her.

Lexa knew that she caught her tone. It was as stubborn as Lexa had allowed herself to sound in any conversation or argument with her. She had always been very guarded with how she would allow Clarke to get her way in discussions. She had always made sure that when she agreed with her, it was truly because she was not in disagreement and not only because she wanted to please her.

The tone she let slip tonight gave away the fact that she was buying into a lie.

And into fear.

It would be an easy tell for Clarke to spot, as she has always been better at gauging the push-and-pull of their relationship. She was better at handling the personal and intimate aspects of their relationship, period. And before Lexa would have had the guts to admit it, Clarke would have figured out that their dynamics changed at the start of her new job.

“Is strategic advantage in this war really the problem?” she asked pointedly. “Or do you want to establish who has the edge in _this_ relationship? Who wears the pants, Lexa?”

“Preferably neither of us”

“You joke when I push your buttons. Are you worried your feelings for me make you look weak in front of other people? After all that we have managed to survive, are we back to that again?”

“We were never there” Lexa deflected.

“Then are you worried that your feelings for me make you look weak in front of…me? Are you scared our relationship is swaying you to choices you would rather not make?”

“Try not to be ridiculous, love.”

“Don’t be coy, Lexa. You and I both know who can set their feelings aside better.”

“Do not go there, Clarke” Lexa warned, freeing her hands from Clarke’s. She paced in front of her. “Do not use my feelings for you to win this argument and do not dare confuse my frustration with your actions as Ambassador with those as my girlfriend.”

“I’m not! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is not to declare my loyalty to you every time I've been offered a way out of this alliance?”

Lexa stopped on her tracks and glared.

“Who offered you what?”

“That's not the point!” Clarke half-laughed in exasperation. “You and I both know our nations will sooner march to hell together than break bonds -- the same way you and I would rather march to our deaths than break each other's hearts. You’re worried about something else and it, for once, it has nothing to do with the war out there.”

Lexa breathed out in fumes but said nothing. This was sounding a lot like another argument she would lose.

“I am yours in every sense of the word, Lexa” Clarke pronounced. “But I asked you - point blank - not to confirm me if you didn't want me to be an Ambassador here. And now I am having a major case of déjà vu of an argument I thought we had settled. Baby, I asked you – point freaking blank.”

“What was I supposed to do, Clarke?” Lexa finally gave in. “Show the world that I rejected Arkadia's choice for Ambassador? Show everybody else in this tower that I could not trust my own girlfriend to deliver on her diplomatic skills?”

“Then start accepting my job and listen to me. Stop looking at Arkadia like a problem and start paying attention to the players here.”

“I do not have a problem with you holding a position of power, love. If any, you are far smarter than half the politicians in Arkadia.”

“You have a problem with weighing how much power I have over you” Clarke supplied, like she has known all along but as usual, waited for Lexa to be okay with expressing it out loud. “Can’t you just trust me then, Lex? Trust that I will never use what we have going to save something that we can’t even agree about?”

“That is what I am doing which becomes exponentially harder when you shower promises to everyone” Lexa argued through gritted teeth. “Clarke, each ally is still a prospective enemy.”

“Which means you need to stop making more enemies when you have an option not to. And stop glaring at me every time I try to pacify shit. Lexa, I need you to stop scaring the hell out of people enough to make them turn on you.”

“They know what betraying me means”

“And I know the cost of this war, remember?”

Lexa glanced at her before turning away.

They both know the cost of this war. The problem was they were not on the same page on how to stop it. Perhaps it was because only one of them had surrendered to a proclamation of their fates from lips sealed with prophetic grace.

The other one was still standing at the vantage point of history, hoping to divert the shaping of the future.

“You do not want to lose this war. I do not want to lose you” Clarke’s voice cut through the cacophonic silence of the night’s wind. “Nobody ever said your death would be in the hands of Azgedans. They just said you would die first… Do you really expect me to just sit here and smile?”

“You are asking me to stop asserting my dominance. Over tales of old!”

“I am asking you to breathe for a second and remember that right now, you're the only person here with any sort of ace to play. These people are afraid too.”

That much was clear to Lexa. She glanced back at the party and even through muted sounds and hazy shapes, she could tell that the game was still being played. Moves were still being made and by the night’s end, they can all still expect changes.

Fear enables actions.

She did not need a summit to know that.

“We are all afraid of something” Lexa voiced more calmly than she has all night. “Lucky are you who wield fear well.”

“I have you” Clarke told her without any hint of doubt in her voice. “They want the kind of security that I feel. That's why they turn to you. You have every advantage in the world, Lexa.”

“They can never have me though.”

Clarke chuckled.

“Not in the same way that I do” she giggled before turning serious. “You have everything working for your favour. You know this, babe. And you know that the more you seek control, the bigger target you paint on yourself.”

“Is that why you are making yourself the target?” Lexa asked, reaching for Clarke’s hand. “You have made huge waves here.”

Clarke smirked at her and Lexa literally felt her heart skip a beat.

The good kind.

“If your need to get my mother out of Arkadia is an indication of anything, I was born a target.”

Clarke turned away to go back to the party but Lexa held onto her hand tightly.

"Clarke”

“Yeah?”

Lexa took a deep breath.

“No one has the edge in this relationship" she concluded.

It sounded more like a vow but she did not care. It was a tough pill to finally admit and an even tougher reality to live in. But that was the only way they would both survive their fates and each other. She cannot go on wondering how much control Clarke has over her. And she cannot be a slave to the fear that she allows that much power to dictate her.

They were partners.

In every sense of the word.

"Good” Clarke smiled, allowing herself to be pulled into a hug. “We’re each other’s half.”

Lexa agreed, nodding as she kissed her check.

They were equals in this relationship.

Which is probably why they are both equally doomed in it.

“You’re the strongest person I know” Clarke whispered to her, a hint of caution coloring her voice. “Your feelings for me will never be weakness in my eyes.”

Lexa tilted her head to kiss her but Clarke stopped her with a raised finger.

“Careful, Commander. People will see.”

Lexa smirked slightly then looked over Clarke's shoulder. For the most part, their absence from the party was still unfelt. She pulled Clarke towards the side of the doors of the balcony, where the concrete wall leaves them concealed from the crowd. She tilted her head, pinning Clarke gently to the wall, and sought out her lips.

Clarke greeted her kiss with a hunger that has been building in anticipation all night.

The instant their lips kissed, Lexa literally heard explosions from behind her.

Timing is a slippery bastard.

Clarke broke the kiss first, eyes alert with fear as she pulled Lexa, attempting to shield her from wherever the perceived danger was coming from. She flinched when she accidentally put too much pressure on her rib.

Lexa chuckled as she ended up cradling her protectively, knowing fully well there was no danger.

"Look" she murmured to Clarke who had taken comfort in her chest.

Clarke took a peek and Lexa beamed at how the changing lights from the sky reflected on her girlfriend's face. She gave her another quick peck before turning around to survey the fireworks display in the sky.

At first they were pretty standard - small balls of flames bursting against the night. White, a pale blue followed by neon pink then a shade of bronze. Lexa was not a fan of fireworks but she had picked these out herself and had given specific instructions on what they should look like. The small balls started to explode in the air faster and the other colors disappeared, leaving only the bronze ones. They were not particularly flashy. They were dull and they did not spread as wide as standard fireworks.

“I bet you wish you did not just storm away from the party”

“What is this?” Clarke whispered in steady excitement.

Lexa hushed her to just focus on the sky. She stole glances of her from the corner of her eyes, wanting to see her reaction when the colors change. She smiled when Clarke's eyes widened, in surprise, in delight and then into moved, as her face blazed in reflections of bright yellow bursts.

The bronze balls lingered in the air after they burst, in time for wide fluorescent golden flames to explode around it forming giant sunflowers in the sky.

Soon enough, the sky was full of sunflowers. Green and blue displays soon followed. The garden in the air made it easy to forget that they were staring up at the night sky.

“I thought we would not have a moment to ourselves in the ball and I knew you would be working the crowd for both your sake and mine” Lexa said to Clarke’s ears, resting her chin on her girlfriend’s shoulder, as she hugged her from behind. “This was a thank you and my way of reminding you how much I appreciate everything about you. And a congratulations. You have been exceptionally impressive in the Summit”

“Oh.”

Lexa could hear the crowd from inside chattering as they must have finally caught sight of the spectacle and probably rushing out to watch. Gus will have to hold them off for another minute. Clarke was still in awe, eyes almost misty as she put together that the show was for her.

“I am proud of you and your work, Clarke. I am sorry I have not been clear about it.”

“Hmm.”

“And I knew we would argue and you pointed out before that flowers work on you.”

“Stop” Clarke lightly slapped Lexa’s arms wrapped around her waist. “You’re going to make me cry”

“You are welcome”

“Just when I am at the peak of my irritation with you, you make me fall for you all over again.”

Lexa smirked at her.

“For the record, babe. You’re the one who stormed out of there, I simply followed you out. And you know what, thank goodness I did.”

Lexa rolled her eyes as she expressed her concession.

_Timing is a slippery bastard._

Clarke wiggled out of the hug so she could give Lexa a proper kiss.

“Thank you” she said, tears starting to completely fill her eyes. “I love you so so very much, you stubborn, over-the-top fool.”

Lexa chuckled and took Clarke's hand silently.

They watched the sky dance in brilliant gold and noble blue. No reds. They deserve a break from seeing red. That was not something either of them needed to be reminded about. The cracking and the bursting were already enough to sound like war. But there was comfort in the colors as long as they do not resemble blood. The whites and purples would make Clarke tug on Lexa's hold as though those excited her the most. She would only settle when an occasional sunflower would pop up again in the distant background -- a reminder of what Lexa just said.

She was always so proud of her.

Soon enough the crowd started piling out into the balcony. Gus must have held the orders to keep the doors closed as long as he could. Their guests walked hurriedly to fill out the open space and most of them did not even notice that Clarke and Lexa have been there alone for quite some time. They all had their phones out, taking pictures or videos of this gift they assumed the Commander had presented to them to highlight their night.

Lexa gripped Clarke's hand in one reassuring squeeze before gently letting go.

“I heard Kane finalized a diplomatic solution to our custody mess” Clarke gushed in quiet urgency, visibily alarmed that their private time was interrupted. “This new deal should be enough to last the war. Assuming it ends in this lifetime.”

“He did. Anya already sent the order out.” Lexa replied, barely audible. “I will hand over the defectors you have caught and in exchange of my men’s blind eye to their crimes, you will supply us the medicine we need exclusively. And complete autonomy to access Arkadia’s underground tunnels. ”

“I’m glad that worked out.”

“Your mother is also sending out the first batch of a more stable antidote as bullet rounds. Exclusively for Polis. It seems you have done a brilliant job in convincing her to weaponize it, should we ever need to use it.”

“She only listened because someone told her that I might actually be doing a good job here.”

Lexa gave the smallest, almost shy and reticent smile.

Clarke started to walk away from her but paused, just as one huge burst of electric white inferno erupted in the sky to the amusement and cheers of the crowd.

“You know I only entertained advances of our allies to hear them out, right?”

“Hmm” Lexa nodded, eyes straight at the dying embers in the dark. “You drew them out so I would know who else were interested in both defensive and offensive weapons.”

“We make quite a team” Clarke declared quietly.

“I hope the rest of the world does not pick up on it.

There was a darkness to the way Lexa said it.

It was not meant to ruin the moment, just a reality check of their circumstance. It was also the first time Lexa admitted it tonight – she was scared that their allies would see how strong they were together. They might see that ace they were talking about earlier. There was no other factor that makes them seemingly unconquerable other than the fact that she was quite in-love with Clarke.

She would never do anything that would hurt her or jeopardize their relationship.

That kind of commitment was a danger to anyone outside of that very small and very tight circle.

Clarke was stumped but only for a few seconds. She smiled warmly at her, winked and seamlessly blended with the crowded.

They kept each other at a safe distance.

Lexa was quickly surrounded by Anya, Indra, Gus and a handful of non-uniformed soldiers. A few steps away from here, Clarke had Luna's team around her as she chatted away with Octavia. Their eyes met briefly and they both looked up to the sky at the same time.

In a crowd, amidst friends, allies, suspects and enemies, one look kept them together. In a sea of people dazed at bright lights, separated by explosions and whispers, with nothing but a single look to holding them together, they have never been more connected that night.

The display was not for guests.

It was for Clarke alone.

Because in any given space, on any given moment, in a room full of powerful souls, all she ever needed was one.

_And in your greatest fights, you will find that your birth right cradles your very bane._

After the official programs of the ball, Lexa made her exit. Clarke stayed for the after-party. Come early morning, just before sunrise, Lexa woke up to an empty bed. She called down to Clarke's room and turns out she had just turned in about an hour ago.

"She left a message in case you called, Commander" Luna informed her from the other end, her voice hoarse and weak from staying up partying all night with her ward. "She did not want to wake you up."

"Is Lieutenant Blake there?"

"No. She dismissed him early last night."

"Leave a new shift of guards before you turn in" Lexa instructed. "I need you sharp and awake when she wakes up."

"Yes, Commander."

Lexa's door opened just as she hung up. Anya's peered in and Lexa could almost laugh at her hesitance to come inside in case she walks in on a pair of naked, intertwined bodies again. When she was called in, she entered with news that Lincoln left two hours ago.

"I have to make one more trip before we leave" Lexa announced, getting changed quickly.

"I had thought you might say that. May I caution you against it?"

"Thank you but no."

Lexa emerged from her dressing room, ready to trudge on to her dungeons. Anya sighed but said that she had already anticipated this move. She had the elevators cleared and the basement training floors vacated so no one will see them. Lexa raised an eyebrow, knowing fully well she had not made any invitation for Anya to join her.

"I will stay with Gustus outside. Have you packed yet?"

Lexa shook her head. She should have packed last night. She cannot delegate considering no one was allowed to find out where she was going.

"I will pack for you when you go visit Clarke."

"She is sleeping."

Anya rolled her eyes, pressing the elevator door open.

"After all that the both of you have been through, Commander and judging by what we might have to face, I do not see any possibility of you leaving without saying goodbye."

Lexa nodded.

When she stepped out on the last floor of the basement, she still hoped it would not be an actual goodbye that she would be bidding a few minutes from now.

Anya walked briskly beside her and they could both hear Gus breathing heavily behind them. He hardly does this and Lexa can probably count on one hand with fingera to spare the number of times Gus was this open about his disapproval. She ignored it. No one wanted to make this trip. When Anya revealed a locked, hidden door behind a gigantic chest of weapons at the end of the hall, it was clear why.

They were greeted with darkness from the other side and as they descended the stone staircase, the air kissed their faces with the sticky scent of dirt.

And death.

Lexa had to remind herself that they were not going down to the tombs. No one had died in these dungeons. All Commanders before her made sure of that.

The scent comes from sweat, blood, and deadlier still, hopelessness.

There were five cells at the bottom pit and as of now, four were empty. Anya punched in the code on the stone slab housing a lone keypad. The wall, much like Roan's tower abode, parted. But the similarities ended there. Where the tower was packed with the latest technology, the wooden panels encasing rusty iron bars that made up the prison gates were as ancient as the practice of keeping prisoners in dungeons.

Gus handed Lexa the torch he had been carrying. Anya opened the lock with a key she had hanging on her dogtag. She gave Lexa a nod before disappearing outside the stone wall to stand guard with Gus.

Lexa angled the torch to see the figure of a lone man shackled to a bed, surrounded by philosophical books and old journals.

The books and journals were as far as her "kindness" allowed her. She initially wanted total isolation without so much hope of any form of company. Indra thought reading materials was a small enough mercy for a traitor who had once mentored her. So, she allowed the suggestion and gave an order that one hour a day, a guard of Indra's choosing would come down the dungeon to bring light so their prisoner may read or write.

It would save him from going completely insane.

He still has knowledge Lexa needed and that was why he was still alive.

"Titus" she greeted, the coldness from her own voice made her quiver.

It was only now that she stared him face to face since he admitted his treachery against Polis and confessed to helping rebels abduct Clarke from Arkadia that she realized how angry she still was.

She could kill him with her bare hands and no one would bat an eye. She would not lose sleep over it.

But she did not come to kill.

If anything, she was there to stop the deaths.

“Commander” his voice was weak but eerily riddled with concern. “You are troubled.”

“What is in the Cold Mountains that you did not wish for me to see?”

Titus closed his eyes in pain.

“What secrets have been spilled?” he asked, struggling to get the words out. “What trickery have your young mind been entranced with?”

“Answer the question, Titus. I do not have time for your games.”

Titus sighed. He pulled himself up, his knees shaking as he leaned on the wall. Lexa could see reflections of carvings he must have made on them. She saw her name written in an ancient language of their people.

“There once was a tale of old” he started in the same voice he used when he would regale Lexa with stories of previous Commanders. “Which spoke of the great secrets buried in the tunnels of the Arkadian border. The secret to unlocking the end of this war among our people. There have been rumors that it was found by Clarke’s father early on in his term.”

“What is it?” Lexa demanded.

“All I know, Commander is that the foot of the mountains enjoyed relative peace…until he brought it home”

“How do you know of it?”

“I have walked this land longer than you, Commander.”

Lexa turned to leave. That was the only confirmation she needed. Whatever Jake found, he must have written it down somewhere. He must have found it at a time when Clarke was not ready to take hold of her destiny and at a time when he did not trust the former Commander of Polis.

Roan may have set her up for a trap but this was a risk she cannot allow to simply pass because of the common fears.

“He knew his life would be cut short when he found it” Titus called out to her.

Lexa had come to the same conclusion a mere seconds before.

The late Chancellor might have struck a working relationship with Lexa but there was no way yet that he would reveal his secrets to her. So, it made sense then, for him to bury the secret back to the one place Lexa would not go to.

Not amidst war.

She cussed under her breath. She should have known there was something there when she last visited the troops in the Cold Mountains. That would have been an easier trek.

“There is a question you have not asked me, Commander”

Lexa turned to him, eyes an icy stare of disgust.

“You never asked me why I did it” Titus said calmly.

He looked so peaceful. For a second, Lexa wondered if this was his dying prologue.

“Why did you betray me Titus?” she asked the question she was sure she did not need to hear the answer to.

Titus smiled at her gravely.

And in a fracture of time’s games, Lexa saw the remorse in him. She witnessed how much it pained him to have disappointed her. There was no complaints for his current predicament now. In fact, he looked like he celebrated being where he was. He was still utterly convinced that he was right.

He relished being on the right side of history, no matter what horrors it had brought him.

But there was sorrow in his damaged soul.

For all maniacal conviction that he was acting for Lexa’s benefit, he stumbled in torment for the heartbreak that he had caused her.

"I promised your father I would not let that prophecy come true”

Lexa’s eyes blazed at him. He said it so simply as though that would make everything better. As though that explained everything and excused all that she has had to endure.

All that Polis had to fix and had to live with in the last couple of months.

"So you sell out Polis” she accused bitingly.

"You are Polis, Commander” Titus reminded her. “You fall, we fall."

"Polis is not just one person, Titus."

Titus laughed a hollow and grave echo that did not sound at all like him. It was his ghost cackling from a distance.

"That mentality will get you killed” he spat as his weak legs gave up on him and he slumped back down to his chains.

_There is a reason why they will call you the Commander of Blood._

Lexa gulped. She knew he had a point. She knew that if her war council was there, they would all agree with him, no matter how much of a traitor he actually is. She knew that even Anya would not dispute it, which is why as much as she encouraged Lexa to live a happy life, there was no way she was leaving her side now.

They all know it.

The minute Lexa would adhere to a concept so foreign from what had always made Polis strong is the very moment that Polis will begin to crumble.

For all intents and purposes, she could very well be walking out of the tower with a mindset that leads to her demise. It was enough to power Titus’ smugness to the next century but he was forgetting something that no Commander has ever had the fortune to learn.

Maybe it was not about staying alive.

Maybe it was about creating something that lives on far longer than any of their lifetimes put together.

Maybt it was about setting Polis up for the future.

Where no Commander ever has to make the grandest sacrifice of all.

"No” Lexa was resolute in the dark. “It is the very nature that keeps our legacies alive."

The minute she heard herself say the words, she knew it was probably the most important thing she has learned from Clarke.

A nation stands upon the greatness of its people, of its past, its culture…and the choices they all make together as they face the threats to all that they built.

To think that this war centers on just one person alone is a foolish stroke of ego.

And yes, there was a reason why she is called the Commander of Blood. It was not a noble title bestowed on her by luck of the draw at birth. It was not a privilege she enjoys akin to a prize won at a local carnival.

It was a birth right, true.

Upon heights.

Upon duty.

Upon sacrifice.

“Then…go” Titus croaked. “Walk to your death, Commander. And upon your deliverance, you will regret not having listened to me.”

Lexa could not have shut the bars loudly enough. She felt the entire dungeon shake. When Anya shone the torch near her face, she saw what the confirmation written plainly in the shadows of Lexa’s eyes. How ever Titus acted or reacted was proof sufficing to push through with this search.

Anya blinked at her and they both fell into a quiet agreement

No one will dare mention how much they were both shaking right now.

The trip back to the bedroom floors were spent arguing on how many soldiers they were taking with them. It was a good distraction from the steady ripples in their composure. Lexa wanted three from Indra's men. That was it. The lesser people, the quieter the mission. Anya wanted at least five with an additional two from the Special Forces. They compromised. Three from Indra's unit and two from Lincoln's men.

A trip for eight, this shall be.

Anya made the arrangements and Lexa made her way to her girlfriend's room. Clarke has not changed out of her gown and did not even stir when she joined her in bed. Lexa stayed still, back resting on the headboard, hands gently caressing Clarke's hair. She was not due to leave for at least an hour. She had time to figure out how to tell her she was leaving with no assurance she was coming back.

It was just a few minutes past sunrise. The tower was barely awake just yet. The city would start their day late as well, as there were street parties celebrating the soldiers of the war.

She had time.

Clarke stirred slightly but only to change positions. She crawled onto Lexa's lap, hugging it and rested her head on one leg, muttering incoherently.

Lexa chuckled.

This will be one of those moments she will take with her as she makes her way through the Cold Mountains.

Clarke's warmth. Her total surrender into Lexa's touch. Her soft hiccups when she has had a little too much to drink. Her eyes fluttering as she drifts into dreams.

Lexa bent over and kissed her hair.

"Clarke" she waked her softly. "Clarke, I have to leave."

Lexa could tell that she has her attention because Clarke turned her head towards her, slushing one side of her cheek against Lexa's lap as though she was listening. Even if she had her eyes closed.

"When?" she sighed in her sleep.

"Soon."

Clarke frowned and eventually weakly opened her eyes.

"It's bad, isn't it?"

Lexa nodded at her.

“When I leave, I am not sure how long it would be for” she started explaining. “It will not be safe and I cannot promise to…stay out of trouble.”

“And this has to be you?”

“Mhmm. It will not bear fruit if undertaken by someone else.”

“Okay” said in a voice that shouted she was not okay with what she was hearing. “Will I hear from you?”

“Probably not.”

Clarke shifted her head to take a clearer look at her.

“Are you going to the frontlines? Is this some--- I don’t know. My head is spinning” she closed her eyes and Lexa saw a tear escape the side of her face. “Are you fighting? Is that where you’re off to?”

“No…”

“Okay…”

Again, Lexa heard that it was not okay.

“I cannot be sure to call. I will try but I would rather you did not try to reach me. It might jeopardize the mission” Lexa pleaded. “I will call you when I can but you will have to wait to hear from me. You cannot call me. Do you understand what I am saying, Clarke?”

“Yes.”

She watched as Clarke struggled to sit upright.

“This is the worst of the junk, isn’t it?” she asked quietly. “Usually, when I feel like you walked in the room with a really bad day, we don’t have this…much prologue to a deathmarch thing going on over us.”

Lexa almost smiled at the statement. She had been wondering for a while now, how Clarke can always seem to gauge good news and bad news. There were times when they would have a few minutes of free time and when they would meet across the halls or see each other in their rooms, she can just tell what kind of energy is weighing on her. She squeezed Clarke’s hand gently.

“Anya is going with you?”

Lexa hummed.

“To protect you.”

Lexa did not have the heart to point out why else Anya was barely leaving her side nowadays.

"Can you stay in bed for a while?" Clarke asked, not waiting for her answer. She completely disregarded her question and started hiding her fear by playing with Lexa’s fingers.

The courage she mustered to keep away the horrors of the moment and of their impending separation was enough to make Lexa fall in love all over again.

Lexa nodded again, offering her arms for a comforting embrace.

Clarke hugged her tightly, seemingly completely awake now. She soon settled on Lexa’s chest and Lexa ran her fingers up and down her arms.

"How do you know?” she asked when she felt Clarke’s nerves through a louder beating from her chest. “If I had a bad day or not?"

"I don't always know” Clarke laughed weakly, kissing Lexa’s collarbone. “Sometimes I just guess. Well most of the time the buzz in the tower gives it away.

“Ah.”

“Sometimes I see it the minute you walk in the door. Other times...it's a small break in your voice”

Clarke lifted her head to look up at her. Lexa stared back in honest curiousity.

“Then there are times like now” Clarke continued. She kissed her again on the same spot before resting her head down. “When I just hold you close and I can feel it."

"Hmm."

Lexa thought back on possible moments when these instances were obvious. She tapped on her girlfriend’s arm to keep her talking.

"You let me hold you closer, tighter when you're scared of something you don’t know what yet.” Clarke started listing. “You fidget a little when you're anxious about a decision you already made.”

“I do not fidget”

“Yeah, you do. What else? You're calm when everything is going according to plan but your breathing is still guarded. And when things are all good, you don't have any walls. I can also tell that… well, I think you're angry at something.”

Lexa simpered in faint affection.

“I’m always angry at something, love.”

Clarke waved a finger.

“Not like this…You always rub my arms or shoulders when someone or something angered you. On a deeper level, not just annoyance. You also do that when you want to calm down about something awful."

Clarke looked up at her to see if she was hitting all the right marks. Lexa shook her head in impressed disbelief, knowing that she was not in any position to deny what she was being told. She smiled before reaching over to kiss her forehead.

Slowly.

Like she need her lips to remember how Clarke tastes like.

Like it was a memory she needed to hold onto desperately.

"Which is it now?" Lexa asked.

"Now...you're trying to say goodbye"

Lexa heard the crack in her voice and it had nothing to do with the hangover. She knew the sound all too well. It was hidden, first, that time they were fighting in the library at the Chancellor’s mansion in Arkadia. It was there when she called her the night she got back from being abducted. It had been pronounced on that evening she had her first big nightmare in Polis.

It had haunted Lexa since she first heard it.

The last time she heard this kind of sadness was just before they had sex for the first time.

When Clarke declared how much she loved her.

She was sure. She was strong.

But Lexa heard it then too.

She was scared that she would lose her. She was scared that she did not feel the same way. She was scared that after that night, she would have to live with a profound sadness only Lexa could ever save her from. She was scared that Lexa would not.

Lexa cleared her throat, knowing fully well that if she did not keep it together for the both of them, they will both break.

"What gave that away?"

"You kissed my forehead a little too slowly than usual"

Lexa nodded at her, chuckling at how readable she had become. She leaned over and captured Clarke’s lips.

Slowly. Deeply. Desperately.

A still memory.

A memory she still needed to hold onto.

"Ask me” Clarke murmured into the kiss.

"What?"

"If those are all the tells I have discovered."

Lexa bit her lip, feeling slightly nervous at the thought of what else Clarke had learned of her behaviour. She raised an eyebrow at the lightness of the moment and the playfulness behind Clarke’s sleep-deprived gaze.

“Babe, come on. Ask. Please, please, please.”

"Fine” Lexa humoured. “You are increasingly cute whilst hungover.”

“Ask, please!”

“Yes, love. Are those all you have discovered?"

"Nope” Clarke declared in a sing-song voice.

“Shock of the century”

Clarke stuck her tongue out at Lexa. She liberated herself from their embrace and sat upright, looking perkier that she should be at the prospect of Lexa leaving. “When you're sure, you hold me like this -- loosely.”

She shook their intertwined fingers in the air.

“Loosely, huh?”

“Mhmm. Like you know I'm not going anywhere. And…” Clarke inched forward to kiss Lexa on the nose. She closed her eyes and Lexa saw her smile like she had just proven something else. “And…you breathe a little closer to me than usual...like you're reminding me just where you are. Like you’re taking a picture in your head so you could remind me that we shared this moment."

Lexa admired Clarke's attention to detail. She tucked a stray hair behind Clarke’s ear and caressed the side of her face. She thought back to one of their conversations earlier in the week about how they would spend the summer together. She sighed contentedly at how many mental pictures she would have of Clarke basking under the sun, with no school or Ambassador duties to worry about. She had a longing for that Christmas trip to Polis and how she imagined Clarke would be like on a real Christmas morning. And there would be those nerdy trips Clarke promised. The image of them spending their afternoons in a foreign museum or library, sharing ideas that had nothing to do with the destruction of the world, was as enticing as it was now slowly eating her heart away.

“Don’t look so sad, baby” Clarke said slowly, following Lexa’s distant gaze.

Lexa cradled her face and kissed her deeply.

Longingly.

Her heart thundered, and she could feel the room suddenly growing warmer. Or maybe that was just her face. Her chest sang an all-too familiar melody, making her head spin into a daze of unfiltered happiness and coveted security. Or maybe that was just Clarke humming into the kiss.

Lexa pulled away to look into Clarke’s eyes for a couple of heartbeats.

One. Two. Three.

She leaned in to kiss her again.

Four. Five. Six. Seven.

She pulled away and was surprised to find Clarke smiling.

“What?”

“Eight. Nine. Ten” Clarke finished counting with her. “Kiss me again.”

Lexa did not need telling twice. She pulled Clarke on top of her and met her lips halfway. She had no intention to have sex with her right now. She was never a fan of the idea of sleeping with someone before marching into probable death. As much as she knew she would enjoy it, as much as her skin tingled in ache as it lusted over Clarke’s touch, she felt that her version of goodbye is all soul.

She kissed lightly, almost like it was not a big deal.

Like she was sure she would do it again.

But kisses linger, no matter how quick a touch fades.

She could feel that Clarke shared the sentiment.

Both of them knew that it would be a while until they got back to a place where they would not have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They knew that the minute Lexa walks out of the door, their lives will be owed to their people.

Truly, this time.

Completely.

"And when you kiss me..." Clarke paused, propping up on her elbows as Lexa supported the weight of her hips. “When you kiss me like this…”

She tipped her mouth at an angle and Lexa raised an eyebrow at her before kissing her waiting lips softly, almost clumsily but with a gentle reminder that her touch was home.

“You know you're not going to lose me over this...” Clarke continued in sure pants. “When I kiss you back like this…”

Lexa allowed herself to be kissed back and she recognized the sensation Clarke was trying to convey.

Longing. Passion.

Assurance.

Steadiness.

She caught herself unable to breathe. Clarke smirked into the kiss and Lexa exhaled, liberated from nagging doubts.

“…you let out a breath like that...” she all but whimpered into Lexa’s lips. “Because that was all you needed to be right."

"You are not going anywhere" Lexa said.

"No, I’m not."

Lexa exhaled again, shakily. She felt the tears starting to well up in her eyes. Clarke gently wiped the corners of her eyes before they even had to chance to fall. Then she slipped off Lexa and laid by her side.

“Clarke” Lexa whispered.

“Hmm?”

"Hold me a little tighter before I go?"

Clarke turned to her, eyes fully aware of what she was not saying. She slipped her arms across Lexa’s waist, settled her head on her chest and hugged her securely.

Lexa felt her heart start to drum again and soon enough, she could feel Clarke’s chest beating in-sync with hers.

“Thank you” she sniffed back the tears she did not know she was capable of shedding.

"Anything you need, baby” Clarke promised. “Anything."

There was no goodbye needed. Lexa did not want to say it anyway. She knew saying it was a surrender she was not ready to make just yet. She knew it was not an option. She would not be leaving Polis and marching off into the pits of the Cold Mountains if she did not have a backup plan on getting back home. She would not be holding Clarke like this if there was a part of her entertaining the idea that this was the last time they would ever have together.

As there was no goodbye, there was also no need to tell Clarke that she was right.

About all of it.

Lexa listened to her fade into sleep.

It was a shame that between Clarke’s nightmares and Lexa’s new path, there was hardly any safezone now. Except maybe this bed.

The bed with ants.

Lexa chuckled to herself, shaking slightly. She stopped herself before Clarke would wake up again. It would be better if she woke up after Lexa’s plane had left. That way she would not have to tell her just how spot on she was about how Lexa behaves when she is scared.

Lexa was scared out of her mind to leave this bedroom.

Lexa was scared of something - and she knows exactly what it was.

She left a note on Clarke’s bedside.

_Home soon._

_Love, Lexa._

She knew that if the topic every came up again, Clarke would point out that it would still not be the same as actually saying ‘I love you.’

As she sat in her seat, in a private unmarked jet, facing Anya and being surrounded by the some of the best soldiers, Lexa took out her phone. She started texting the message –

_I love you._

She could feel Anya’s eyes on her, as though she knew exactly what she had typed.

She breathed sharply and deleted the text. Instead she composed for Clarke a detailed set of instructions and reminders on what to do in case the worst happens in the tower. She punctuated the text with a simple “ _Thinking of you always.”_ She grinned to herself as she hit sent and turned off her phone.

Anya scoffed in her seat, shaking her head at her.

“Go ahead. Say it.”

“When we left Arkadia you had all the reasons not to say what you felt. What possible excuse have you convinced yourself of not sending that first text, Commander?”

Lexa looked out of the window as the plane took off.

“Heights” she answered.

Anya's face grimaced but Lexa did not expound.

Instead she tilted her head for Anya to change seats. She needed time alone with her thoughts. She pulled out the letter that has been hounding her for the past couple of days. She traced out her father’s handwriting, treasuring how similar it was to hers. She unfolded the piece of paper to reveal its entirety. Ever since she had ascended into being the Commander, she had been fixated only to that specific paragraph. Now, she ascends into the atmosphere, heading towards what could be a trap to end her life, she started to read back the exact moment that the nature of her life was detailed to her.

_“My Alexandria,_

_On the occasion of your 18 th birthday, I offer you the smallest of comforts I am sure I have neglected to shower unto your childhood. You, child, student, woman…leader, have always been special. I held you for but a second and have felt the graces of your strength, the glory of your fate and pinnacles you are yet to accomplish._

_Daughter, when I am no longer with you, when my soul has passed into the halls of our ancestors, do not lose the courage and noble spirit I pass unto you. These are in your veins and they will cocoon in you in an armor no enemy may break. I caution you only to know your path, honor it devotedly and never stray._

_The heights upon which you are born bring you power worthy only of your blood, the perks of which require your sacrifice on every turn. There are wonders which cradle these heights, ones you should never surrender. And in your greatest fights, you will find that your birth right cradles your very bane. There is a reason why they will call you the Commander of Blood. They will herald you. They will bleed for you, die for you and the time will come when such loyalty must be paid with a price only you can spill._

_I write to you from the battlegrounds of a war I fight so you may never have to._

_I hope, someday, when the fighting is over, I would deliver this letter to your hands personally. On that day, should we ever be fortunate enough to walk and live in such a time, I will look into your eyes and tell you that the greatest of blessings my blood has yielded was a woman of your worth._

_Wield your birthright with steadfast dignity and you will find that when the heights of power and duty call for your supreme of sacrifices, it will hardly feel so._

_With my most profound pride in all that you become,_

_Father”_

Lexa signed and folded the only letter her father ever addressed to her personally. He was never able to give it to her. He had died before she even broke through puberty. She had often wondered how much differently the weight of these words would have dawned on her had she heard them in his voice instead. If she had taken a mental picture, or had saved a mental song, maybe they would sound like the lullaby that was Clarke’s laughter.

And not like the marching of an army to hell.

Ascendancy.

Lexa heard Clarke’s voice in her head.

It sounded like a coveted trophy.

She looked down as Polis started to disappear from under them. She glanced at Anya who was reviewing the terrain they were to trek once they get to their destination.

Ascendancy.

She had all the advantages in the world.

Clarke said so. Anya championed it. Roan noted it.

Her father deemed it fated.

What power it was.

The ascendancy of the Commander of Blood.

Lexa closed her eyes. Finally, she could hear the words in her father’s distant voice. It was hazy, but any memory of a four-year old was bound to be.

_Wield your birth right with steadfast dignity and you will find that when the heights of power and duty call for your supreme of sacrifices, it will hardly feel like so._

It sounded about right.

**_She did, after all, willingly leave the love of her life at home…all for her birthright’s promise of a life after the fighting._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truly sorry for the wait. It had been an overwhelmingly crazy last couple of months for me and I just never got around to posting this. I'm not sure if anyone still follows it but if you do and you read through this, I would love to hear what you thought of it. It was a difficult chapter for me to write but maybe one that I've enjoyed more than the others. As sad as that may sound. Let me know what you think and let me know if anyone still wants this continued. I do have half of a quarter of the next chapter written. The last month just threw me off a little bit. Thank you for your patience and I look forward to reading your comments. You help me write and hearing from you urges me to write better. I hope this chapter was worth the inexcusable wait. If not, tell me anyway. I love reading all kinds of comments. Thank you very much.


	17. Quarantine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are never alone. I promise you that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATED WITH PART 3. FULL CHAPTER FINALLY POSTED.
> 
> UPDATED WITH PART 2.
> 
> FULL DISCLOSURE: THIS CHAPTER WILL BE IN THREE PARTS
> 
> I know I am extremely late in updating. I wrote bits of this in different laptops and only recently have I gotten bits Part 2 back. I am sorry and I understand if you have given up on this story. However, I will keep my promise and update this.
> 
> Only putting in Part 1 now and hopefully I will have Part 2 before Christmas ends. And again, considering it is Christmas eve, I may or may not be intoxicated and have ultimately failed in proof-reading this. Many apologies.
> 
> Please check back on an update and edit because I would not be putting Parts 2 and 3 up in different chapters or upload. Here's to hoping this would have been worth the wait.
> 
> Merry Christmas, everybody.

(Clarke’s POV)

PART 1

Four days.

Clarke blinked at her phone and saw the date.

It was not the longest she has gone without talking to Lexa. It was not even the longest she has gone without knowing where she was. Nor was it the longest period for a city to burn, or a plague of poison to set in. It wasn’t the longest time a soul had to endure the torturous pain of having your blood boil in toxins before your body eventually gives in and you die.

That was what was happening all around them. That was what the weapon of their enemies were doing.

Clarke was not suffering from this new kind of warfare. She was suffering from endless waiting.

In her mind, it might as well have been a decade of not hearing from Lexa. Since she woke up to find herself alone in bed, with nothing but a carefully worded note on her bedside drawer, she had not heard a lick of news from her girlfriend.

This is the longest she had gone not knowing whether Lexa was alive or not.

Octavia had urged her to continue with her duties and for the past three days, that is what they have both been doing.

Clarke has made every appearance possible. From bidding foreign dignitaries a fond farewell, to sitting in last-minute meetings arranged by Kane, to dinners where she can’t even bring herself to eat anything for fear of what their guests might have conjured. That morning alone, she made a trip to the roof of the tower where she sent off emergency hazmat aid to three different corners of the continent. When the helicopters have all disappeared in the horizon, she could see black smoke masking themselves as rain clouds over the outer banks of Polis.

Their enemies were at their door.

Clarke knew that she was not supposed to see the traces of the flames that the first of Azgedas armies had wreaked. Indra ushered her off the helipad personally, muttering all kinds of curses and warning. She did not hear most of them. She knew that even if no one would admit it – they were all vulnerable. When they returned to her bedroom, she was promised that the situation was contained. An hour later, she was given the confirmation that it was.

The fires have been put out. The antidotes were working for now. The wounded were being treated, and the dead buried.

More importantly, no one still had a clue that all the orders were being made by Indra. No one had an inkling that the Commander was not in the tower. They did not even know that she was no longer in Polis.

But then again, Clarke did not as well.

Every morning she makes the trip to Lexa’s office. It kept up appearances for the generals who still tailed her. She would stay for a couple of minutes, leave and attend to her appointments. In the evenings, she would make her way to Lexa’s bedroom, pretend to look forward to finding her girlfriend, presumably waiting for her in bed.

It took her all of two nights to realize that she can never fully fall asleep without her.

So the trips to what she had promised would be “their” bedroom now alluded to the loneliest walk of her day and the shut doors were a conclusive period to the darkest and most secluded fear within her.

It would be the height of futility if she had succeeded in moving in all of her things to Lexa’s bedroom, only to have no Lexa to surprise.

Clarke sighed, feeling herself starting to shake at the thought. She blinked again at her almost empty room, save for all the boxes that were just delivered there.

"Hello?” Octavia sounded like she was annoyed from the corner of the room where we she stood doing inventory on all of the new mail. “Have I been talking to myself this entire time?"

"No, I heard you."

"Oh did you now? So are you going to answer my last question or what?"

"Or what."

Clarke turned and smiled at her apologetically.

"Your humor is starting to sound a lot like Lexa's” Octavia responded with a fake snob on her face. “What do you want to do with all these mail?"

Clarke didn’t want to overwhelm herself with the amount of stuff she had been sent. She was only particular about the shoebox-sized packages that came from Arkadia which are now sitting on her desk.

"You can open all of those. Or send them to storage if they aren’t marked consumable. We can deal with them when I have had more sleep or at least a clearer head. Just leave these two with me please."

"You do realize I'm technically not your secretary, right? Or your…errand girl?” Octavia teased, pushing the biggest box in the room to the only corner that still had space. “When Abby asked you what you needed in your office here you could have asked for a human who actually knows how to do paperwork."

"I had hoped you would rise to the occasion."

"Princess, I have been rising the hell out of this hellish situation."

Clarke chuckled at the less-than irate tone Octavia noted. She knew it was meant to be a joke and for the most part, it was received as such. But as they both looked around the room filled with opened and unopened boxes, scattered stacks of files from the Ambassador’s office downstairs or the racks of clothes still to be transported to Lexa’s room, not to mention the weapons chest Octavia had procured for the both of them, it was easy enough to conclude that they needed help sorting out their mess.

The problem was Clarke can’t bring herself to trust anyone with her personal things and Octavia is already annoyed with half of the supposed Arkadian personnel Bellamy had picked out for Clarke.

"We really did let shit fall apart these last couple of days huh?" Clarke commented with an apologetic grin as Octavia sneezed off the dust from the last box she rummaged into.

“You think?” she said, opening the door after Clarke’s attention froze at the single knock.

"Ambassador?” one of Indra’s lieutenants greeted her with a soft bow. “The General is here to see you."

Clarke frowned slightly. She may have adapted to a lot of things in Polis but it was still weird to have a guest be announced before they may be invited in the room.

"Yeah, let her in” she said, quickly hiding the boxes under the desk.

"Clarke” Indra greeted her somberly.

"Indra."

"Octavia” Octavia muttered from the side. She pushed back a smile when she was accosted with a reprimanding look from her direct superior. She cleared her throat, stood in attention and still managed a playful but more appropriate acknowledgment.

"Boss” she nodded at Indra.

"I came to fetch you, Ambassador."

"You could have just summoned me, Indra."

"I had feared you would get lost amidst the maze of your mess."

Indra gave a rather distasteful look around the room before impatiently regarding Clarke to leave with her.

"Your concern is as comforting as ever” Clarke muttered, getting up from her desk and stepping up to where the current Officer-In-Charge of the entire tower, military and possibly country was waiting for her. “What is it? Is there news...?"

"Not from the Commander” Indra quickly replied, keeping her voice as low as possible. “There is something you should see. It appears that when your personal mail came from Arkadia, the plane was loaded with more precious cargo than what was expected."

Clarke’s eyes travelled on the tablet in Indra’s hand. The screen was still blinking and she could make out a series of codes that she had seen once before. In a stack of official documents stacked on Lexa’s desk, as she signed the formal requests of a weaponized antidote. Clarke had pretended not have been reading over Lexa’s shoulder when she was giving her a massage, but she had memorized most of the codes for the empty canisters Lexa had sent out to Arkadia.

"My mother sent it all?" she gasped upon the realization of what would be waiting for her.

"Custom dictated I waited for you to verify so.”

Clarke could tell just how pained the Indra was with having to wait for her. She smiled at her gratefully.

"Lead the way, General."

Indra asked Bellamy to dismiss the rest of Clarke’s Arkadian guards because the trip to the basements was strictly covert. He, however, was allowed as far as the inner gates of the underground hanger. Clarke gave him a look to let it pass. There were fights neither of them would win against Indra. This was one of them.

“Just…watch out for rats and yell out a mayday when they threaten our survival” Octavia teased her brother as she was allowed access to the hanger along with Luna.

Clarke heard it and despite the seriousness of what was waiting for her, she allowed a soft giggle. They were all due for a good laugh.

“Bring the first load to the Ambassador!” Indra ordered the soldiers who were pushing trolleys loaded with crates.

Clarke took note of the badge on the soldier nearest to her. It bore Indra’s unit’s symbol.

Of course, Lexa must have left instructions that no one else in the tower would supervise this delivery. Every single soldier here answered directly to Indra. There weren’t even any Special Forces there, save for Luna, who had hung a few steps away behind her.

Clarke motioned for the soldier to open the first crate and as soon as he did, she climbed the step ladder to take a peek inside. Half a dozen of oxygen tank-sized canisters lined the walls of the crate while about a hundred or so small wooden cubes filled up the middle. She took one of the cubes sitting on top of the pile and read out, “150 rounds.”

She delicately opened the cube in her hand and found bullet rounds inside. She has seen enough bullets and had been around enough gunfire to know that they weren’t the typical kind. She took one out and held it up against the nearest light in the hanger.

Reddish gold.

Not copper or ruby-colored. Nowhere near brilliant gold.

But the metal shone like blood imbued with melted flames.

A weaponized cure.

It should knock out anyone already infected with poison. Should, being the operative term.

Clarke sighed, knowing how dangerous the weapon she held in her fingers. If the cubes were the bullets, the canisters must be the liquid grenades. Lexa did not have the time to explain to her how they would work or how she intended to use them. They do go both ways: offense and defense. She smiled, knowing that she was not going to get any sleep tonight anyway, she might as well study all about them. She climbed down the ladder and gave a nod to the waiting soldier.

“Would the bullets work with regular guns?” she asked Indra.

“No” Indra replied. She pointed to the steel cabinets lining the hanger. “There are guns in there as well as in the armory that we could use.”

“They have been tested to work?”

“Not on anyone alive”

Indra’s response managed to render Clarke speechless for a few minutes. She knew that her mother would never send out anything that was not guaranteed to work but she also knew that Arkadia frowns upon live human testing. Especially biohazard products. The risk of putting these weapons to use grew exponentially in Clarke’s mind as she watched as soldiers transported crate after crate into a hidden door leading to what is surely another hidden chamber in this tower.

Arkadia must have sent more than one plane. There was no way that the private cargo plane sitting in this restricted underground hanger could have carried all of these delicate packages alone, along with half of the things she had asked her mother to send out to Polis. Clarke blinked. She realized she did not even know how on earth the plane got below the ground. She thought about asking that, as well, but Indra was already barking orders to send the next plane in.

Octavia asked if Clarke was handling all of this well as they waited for the next batch of delivery. At that point, Clarke was not sure. She smiled at her best friend and muttered to make sure that they get their hands on a couple of bullet rounds just to be safe. Octavia’s brows furrowed at the randomness of the request.

It was not like Clarke to be extra cautious.

“Just go” Clarke playfully shoved her to the door where the crates were disappearing to.

The weapons in this room. The cure. The poison. The hands which have made these shipment possible. The minds behind it all. These were saving graces for anyone who held them. But the enemies were out there and someone she loves was unarmed. These would be useless if the Commander gets attacked, infected or…hurt before she can get access to any of this.

"Indra?” Clarke quietly approached the General as another plane started to roll in from a tunnel she did not notice before. “May I ask you something?"

Indra merely grunted in response, sounding as though she knew what question was coming up.

"You would tell me, right? If you hear from her?"

"I had thought you would be her first call”

"Not when she's in danger” Clarke gulped.

"Maybe especially so."

Indra kept her eyes on the crates being unloaded. She did not even give the slightest of side gazes at Clarke. It was unsettling and annoying, seeing how calm Indra was about Clarke’s lack of news from her soulmate.

Clarke cleared her throat, shaking away her self-induced anxiety over the word. It has been a while since she allowed herself the comfort of thinking that Lexa really was the other half of her soul. She did not doubt it, not by any world of imagination. But standing in this freezing underground room that may or may not exist official, not having a clue how Lexa is, the word was as precarious as the predicament they were all facing.

"Do you still blame me for what's going on?” she asked Indra in a firm whisper. “Do you still think it's my fault why she's away, most probably in a crazy amount of danger?"

Indra scoffed as she regarded her with a quick, insignificant look. Clarke would have found it almost insulting if she was not aware that she did bring this issue back to life.

"The time to pass on blame will come after the War, Clarke” Indra said, her voice tired but sure. She trained her eyes back on the shipment that was a concrete example of why they both have tolerated each other for as long as they have. “When we have burned and buried the bodies of our dead and the re-building commences. When we have collected what may be left of our lives, of our people…of our time, then perhaps we can look for guilty hands, drenched in blood and ruin."

Clarke sighed sharply. That was not an answer but it was quite an image. It was a haunting reminder that while she has been obsessing over keeping up appearances during the day and fighting imagined demons in her sleepless nights, there were some who barely had assurance of seeing a new dawn. Indra was never to type to waste time on blaming. She had always been the kind to eliminate problems.

Anya.

Anya was the one who looked into problems deeper than the solutions require.

If Anya were there, Clarke should probably ask her if there was a part of her that would still blame all of this on two women’s inability to fall out of love from each other. But she was not there. She was with Lexa, keeping her alive or perhaps…delivering the blow that would release them both from the heaviest of their duty’s burden.

"I do not think you are our enemy, if that helps” Indra said, finally meeting Clarke’s now confused eyes. “For better or worse, you are her companion, threading dangerously on the lines of fate. You have my gratitude."

"For what?"

"Hers was always going to be a lonely life."

"Yeah a tower will do that to a person…" Clarke muttered to herself.

When she did not get a reaction from Indra, she concluded that the General either did not hear or simply did not get the joke. That was all the sign she needed to know that this conversation was over and since the reason why she was even allowed to semi-facilitate this delivery was now complied with, it was time she made herself scarce. She may be the Ambassador and the Commander’s girlfriend but Indra’s territory and scope of jurisdiction were always off-limits to her.

Nobody ever needed to remind her of it.

"You'll tell me...if something...happens?" Clarke asked, rocking on her heels as a sign of pre-departure from the room.

Indra gave a curt nod.

"You would know, right? If something does happen?"

Indra nodded again, her expression unchanging.

"Are you worried at all?"

Clarke knew it was a tad bit out of line. Of all the people left in this tower, Indra was probably the last person she should ask about worrying for Lexa. But the coldness her questions were being met with are disconcerting. She wondered, intrusively, if Indra simply hid Lexa’s conditions from her or if they truly were on the same clueless boat.

Indra stayed silent and unmoving so Clarke backed away. She had not taken more than a few paces towards the exit when Indra called out to her. When she turned to face her, she was met with the sternest, oddly confident but still utterly grave resonance from Lexa’s mentor.

"Wherever the Commander went” Indra pronounced delicately, as though the pain of the words were something that she was wary of. “Whatever she is facing now, I can assure you she has been through worse."

If the words were meant to appease Clarke, they definitely missed their mark.

There weren't worse things than the ones she had already imagined. On nights when her nightmares would shift into a more terrible shade of dark, she would see Lexa lying in the grounds of the Cold Mountains, barely clinging onto life while the Azgedan Queen approaches. The only thing that could have rivalled that image was of Lexa and Anya trapped at some bottom of the well and Lexa's fear of the water finally gets the best of her.

She drowns.

Slowly, painfully...until Anya finds her courage and snaps her neck.

Clarke slapped herself, causing Octavia and Luna to jump back in surprise. She muttered it was nothing. She just needed a grip of her reality. She just needed to get herself together because she needed to put on a face for the world.

She and Octavia talked about their schedule the next day over dinner but considering her mind was out of it, Octavia gave her the space and silence she needed. Clarke found herself fixated on the stories Lexa would sometimes tell her about her training before she became Commander.

Lexa had trained for the Blood Tournament all her life. When she wasn't honing every possible weapon, she was target practicing in the woods, on a cliff somewhere and, her personal favorite, on a moving motorcycle. What did bring Clarke some sort of comfort was how she knew Lexa was trained in all kinds of survival scenarios. The heat of the desert, the snow storms of the northeast, the perils of the jungle and even the toxicity of an industrial catastrophe. Indra even went as far as throwing her into the sea with nothing but a hunting knife. Lexa had said that was the worst training she has ever experienced. She barely passed, remembering coughing up blood at one time just because she had spent half the time gulping in water and gagging them out. She had survived all kinds of staged hostage situations, pre-execution scenes, buried alive, come out of a burning building and even a possible poisonous death.

When Clarke would look back on those stories, it made what Indra promised make sense.

It just didn't make her worry less.

It was late when the knock came that night. Clarke was sitting on the couch in Lexa's room, trying to draw something. Her heart stopped and she didn't dare look at the clock. Something about the random timing of this visit clued her in on its nature.

Octavia didn't wait for an answer as she pushed open the door and peeked in. She smiled in reprimand when she found her best friend still awake. She whispered that she did not come bearing any sort of news. When she walked in the room, Clarke gasped at her.

Octavia was dressed in full combat gear.

"Where?" Clarke asked, masking her fears.

Octavia shrugged, saying it was covert and Indra had allowed her to bid a temporary farewell.

The two of them found comfort in Octavia's emphasis on "temporary."

Clarke hugged her best friend tightly.

No words.

Octavia hated sentiment and Clarke hated fear.

So, one long hug, heavy with both sentiment and fear, light on temporary and hinted with all shades of hope, was all they had.

When Clarke finally let go, Octavia beamed at her with pride.

"Well, we managed to get through that without crying" she teased, setting a small plant on the table. "That's for you. To keep your mind off things. I promise I will be back before it dies."

Clarke laughed and hugged her again.

She walked Octavia out the room where the five-member squad she now commanded was waiting for her. Suddenly, a slight panic loomed over Clarke and she asked who was now in-charge of running things if Indra was leaving too.

"Don't worry, Clarke. Indra made arrangements.  And so did I. No way I’m leaving you hanging, Princess. Just get some sleep and don't kill the plant."

Octavia kissed her on the cheek and held her eyes until the elevator doors closed.

A temporary farewell.

If only temporary had any assurance of safety.

The second knock that woke Clarke up was the following morning. She found herself still on the couch, hugging a blank sketchpad and clutching her phone fiercely. She could not remember if she had any dreams. She just knew that she managed a couple of hours sleep. It was dawn outside. She gave herself a mental pat on her back before opening the door to find Luna standing next to Evira, Clarke's new secretary. Apparently, Octavia left arrangements for her too.

"Ambassador, I was instructed to deliver the news to you immediately" Evira said, too bright-eyed at that hour, her anxiety showing in the quiver of her lip. "Raven Reyes has returned."

Clarke's jaw dropped. She stared at Luna who remained stoic at the news. She was there only to make sure that Clarke's Arkadian secretary was not some assassin. She had no business on anything else.

"Thank you. Let me just change and you can go with me to see her."

"I'm afraid that's not possible, Ambassador. She's under quarantine."

Clarke processed the word slower than she would have liked. She wished Octavia was there instead of this woman who she must have interacted with twice, at most. She asked for a full briefing of Raven's condition. She strolled down to her office ten minutes later, a full security team trailing her.

Octavia wasn't kidding when she said she had made all necessary arrangements.

Bellamy was waiting for her, outside her office door. Clarke smiled gratefully at him for waking up that early and for understanding why he was no longer allowed in the upper levels. Or to be in a room alone with her. She settled alone in her desk, Luna standing just by the corner of her eye and Bellamy by her door.

For a split second, she wondered who would take each other out quicker if it came down to it. What if one of these two guardians in her room turned out to be a traitor. Who would get to her first?

It was a ridiculous notion.

Luna would barely blink and Bellamy would be incapacitated.

Clarke sighed and the two of them instinctively glanced at her. She smiled. She was hurting but it was nothing either of them could fix. They can guard everything about her but not where her thoughts would wander off. That, she had to control on her own. She flipped through the initial reports about how Raven was.

Never had she felt more trapped and helpless than being metaphorically chained to that desk.

She called down the medical wing every half hour and every call resulted to the same response. They had nothing conclusive to report regarding Raven’s condition. When Clarke baited them on whether they actually know where Raven was, the split-second hesitation was all she needed to confirm that they were keeping her friend elsewhere. She called out to her newly-assembled staff and had to give silent thanks to how well Octavia managed to put them together.

After a few phone calls around the tower, including to wherever Indra was, Clarke was finally visited by a doctor from the Biohazard Department.

Raven was being held in a containment unit somewhere under the tower.

“Great. Another subterranean secret room” she muttered as she packed up her things later that evening.

She was told that she could finally go see her but they have to wait another 24 hours until Raven will be completely cleared for any sort of physical contact. That was fine with Clarke. The safer, the better. But knowing that her friend had gone through enough seclusion in the middle of the wilderness, there was no way she would allow her to spend another night alone.

The doctor led her to an area in the tower she had never been to and even as they rode down the elevator in silence, she could literally hear the ground welcoming them. When the doors opened, she was greeted with a frozen kiss that she hadn’t felt before. Wherever they were exactly, it was far the sky. She doubted this room ever saw sunlight.

Clarke was aware of all the facilities which aren’t recorded in Arkadia. She knew they had their nuclear bunkers but walking down steel walls leading to where Raven was being held, she concluded that Polis had more resources than they had led on.

There was no way a single germ could enter or escape this room.

“Ambassador, if you please?” the doctor ushered her to a shower.

Clarke obliged. She took the necessary desynthesizing required, put on a fresh pair of clothes laid out for her and waited until Luna and her team were done. They all came out in matching white fatigues that she had to laugh. Even in the remoteness of this underground location, Lexa kept rather theatrical standards.

“Stay here” she told Luna who made no objections.

Clarke was surprised that her biometrics were accepted at the door but did not question it. She stepped into a cylindrical room with two glass chambers facing each other, complete with a cot, sink, computer monitors and a steel door that led somewhere else. There were no doors leading to where Clarke stood. She suddenly felt like she was in a museum, intruding on a private exhibit.

The chamber on her right was empty. Clarke turned to her friend.

Raven was lying peacefully on her cot, probably not even hearing Clarke come in.

"Hey, stranger” Clarke greeted, lightly tapping on the glass. “How's it cooking in there?"

Raven scrambled up from her cot and stepped up to the clear and solid wall separating them. She smiled as she surveyed her friend from head to toe. Her grin widened when she seemingly deemed her to be well and healthy. Clarke, however, could not brush away how her friend’s eyes shadowed when they met hers.

Both of them have had their share of horrors and the tales they were both trying to shield each other from were being mirrored in the breaking lights of the containment unit dividing them.

"Remind me never to volunteer for a top secret mission ever again” Raven said wearily but with cheerful melody, as she leaned her forehead on the glass, pressing her palm as an invitation for some sort of connection with one of her best friends.

Clarke half-laughed and half-sobbed back her tears. She traced her hand up on the glass and met Raven’s imprinted one on the surface of the wall. They stayed silent for a while, both saying their silent prayers of thanks that the other one was well. Both trying to find the courage not to break down in front of one of the strongest people they each regarded.

Clarke finally pulled her hand away and she saw that Raven had healing scars and calloused marks on hers.

 "I'm sorry you're in there, Rae" she whispered through unshed tears.

She stole a glance at the security camera focused on her in the room. She knew that it did not record sound but she still wanted as much privacy as she could. They deserved a little bit of peace away from what she had gotten them both into.

An isolation not borne of necessity but earned by the sacrifices they have had to endure.

"Octavia hasn't gotten you to stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault?” Raven teased. “Can't leave you two to get things right."

"You know she's away on some Indra- led mission? No one would tell me anything about it. She left me a succulent and promised she'd be back before it dies."

Raven laughed lightly as though she expected no less from their friend. It was such an Octavia thing to do that even amidst what they all face, it presented itself as a reward of familiarity to when they had simpler day.

"Lincoln asked for her when we arrived and no one seems to know where she is exactly."

"Where is Lincoln?"

Clarke looked around and zeroed in on the containment room across Raven’s. She had noticed that it was prepped when she came in but it did not even occur to her that the reason why it was empty was because Lincoln was held somewhere else. She caught his name tagged on the computer monitor near the cot so he must either been there or they were waiting for him to be transferred.

"Still down at medical” Raven replied, sinking down slowly on the floor.

“Up, you mean. We’re underground.”

“Ah. I’m not even gonna—Yeah, I’m not surprised.”

Raven motioned for Clarke to take a seat, grinning at the sleeping bag and pillows her friend brought along with her.

"I thought we could have a sleepover of sorts” Clarke smiled sheepishly, settling on a pillow as she leaned her head on the glass. “Do you know if he’s okay?"

"He's one tough cookie. They really don't make them the way they make us, huh?"

"No” Clarke chuckled darkly. “No, apparently not."

"The things he had seen, Clarke...the things he had to do... They're not the stuff of nightmares. They’re the stuff nightmares run away from."

Clarke nodded. She did not need to be reminded that recently, Lincoln had to kill his right-hand man after it was confirmed that he was both a spy and an assassin. Lexa did not order it yet but it was clear that she did not have to. No one was there when Lincoln did it but according to Lexa, she expected nothing less. She did not ask for any explanations from her brother. She only wanted results and when she had them, she had asked Clarke to put the matter to rest.

There were worse fates than death for traitors, she assured her as though it would silent Clarke’s worries.

"He's one hell of a guy… that's saying the least" Clarke said.

"Our girl did good..."

Clarke smiled at how sincere Raven sounded.

If you would have asked either of them six months ago if they would find themselves being just as fond of one another now as when they were children, they would have laughed the question until it disappeared. They would not have had an answer. They probably would not even have any idea on how to resolve the awkwardness of their young spirits.

She scoffed at the thought, causing Raven to frown at her.

Young spirits.

They are still young spirits. They had not aged a year since Raven came back to their lives. But those days felt like another life.

"How much time do you have to hang?" Raven asked, choosing to ignore her curiosity of where Clarke’s thoughts had wandered.

"I don't have to be anywhere. I wasn’t kidding about the sleepover.”

Ravens smiled gratefully and as she tried to hide a sigh of relief, Clarke could tell her friend missed the company.

“As long as you stay on that side, right? We can’t risk you getting contaminated too.”

Clarke nodded. She pulled out pieces of folded paper from her blazer.

“I sorta swiped these. Most of your results have been coming in clean.”

Raven rolled her eyes before she shrugged. They both were aware that Raven knew the doctors only had the initial tests results. The most basic of tests show results more quickly but they almost always would not find any hint of poison or traces of nuclear infection. They also knew that the more complex results won’t be readily available to the Ambassador until directed otherwise by the Commander.

Considering that Clarke was there with her, it was easy to assume that Lexa was not in the tower to order so.

"Alright, Princess. Want to tell me why you're not even remotely pissed that you didn't know they were transferring me back?"

Clarke smirked smugly.

"Sorry disappoint you but this is not even on my top ten list of things to be pissed about” she dramatically evoked, making Raven scoff playfully. “I'm just really glad you're safe. And I'm not at all mad that you ended up back here. Imagine the drama if my mom pulled you out first and Lexa found out a little too late?"

Clarke heard her throat get caught on Lexa's name. She looked away guiltily.

“You don’t know where she is, do you?”

“No…”

"I should have seen it back at Arkadia” Raven sighed as though she pitied Clarke’s inability to remove herself from the enormity of her feelings for Lexa. “I knew something was there and Octavia was sure it would become something more.”

“You two can never stop gossiping about my love life, can you?”

“It wasn’t much of a love life then” Raven reminded her with a stifled laugh.

“Valid point”

“I didn’t trust her” Raven admitted quietly. “But I should have seen how much you already did. Even if she hurt you so much, you must have seen it then, huh? How good she is… I mean a little crazy but from where I'm standing, from how you seem now, from what I see from her people, she's a good one."

"And so is Anya..."

Clarke did not say it for effect or to show her gratitude that Raven was basically telling her she made a worthy choice in Lexa. She said it because that held more truth than half of the things being promised all over the tower right now.

"Yeah, she's a little crazy too."

"In what way exactly?"

"Come on, Clarke. You know I don't kiss and tell."

Clarke raised an eyebrow allowing a split-second before she realized how her question could have been misconstrued.

"I wasn't even talking about that!"

Raven’s shoulders shook as she tried to hold back her laughter. It only made her look all the funnier, so of course, Clarke burst in fits of giggles. She chastised herself for having a childish response to the situation and that finally broke Raven’s resolve.

Their laughter bounced all over the containment unit that Clarke was sure they might have caused some sort of vibration outside because Luna’s head popped on the small glass window on the door. She waved a hand to assure her that she was alright and when Luna vanished, she turned to Raven who rolled her eyes at her. Only in Polis would laughter be a cause of alarm.

"Anya is mysterious” Raven said when a certain calm crept around them. “Mature.”

“She is about six or seven years older than us so I would hope she has some sort of maturity that we are clearly lacking.”

Raven smiled, her gaze and thoughts somewhere Clarke had to endeavour to reach.

“It always feels like by the time her words come out of her mouth, she has edited them too much, you know?” she continueds. “But you know they’re true. They’re just a couple of steps ahead of you. And when I think about it, it’s cause her mind is always a couple of steps ahead of mine. She gives me space, she studies me...she has no problem calling me out on my bullshit. She doesn't like arguing but she's not gentle when she lets me know she disagrees with me. It's all…new. We feel new."

"You're still figuring her out."

"Yeah”

“That’s actually a good place to be at, Rae.”

“The feelings are there” Raven admitted with a slight shade of excitement.

"I think everybody can tell"

"Sure, sure. Well… Maybe… Except her."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. She pulled her rested head from the glass between them and studied Raven’s face as it grew a shade of red. Raven planted her back on the steel wall and stretched her legs so her feet can tap on the glass, like she was trying to get rid of an annoying spec that had latched on to her toes. Clarke threw her head back gently, trying not to laugh at how the image of Raven brought her back to their childhood when her friend would become too stubborn to admit something personal.

At some point when they were kids, Raven had pouted at her, legs outstretched, feet tapping at the sand castle they had just built, on a weekend at the beach.

Clarke suddenly remembered what the issue was back then. Raven was supposed to admit something to her mom and she chickened out at the last minute.

"Wait, wait” Clarke held her eyebrow raised, hoping that would help her from laughing. “You haven't told her?"

Raven shrugged with a pout, the tapping on the glass increasing speed.

"It’s not just a crush, right?" Clarke teased, putting emphasis on the grade school term for having feelings for someone.

“You’re awful, Clarke Griffin.”

“It’s not like I’ll tease you about it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting tongue-tied for your super hot girlfriend.”

“Oh, so you think she’s hot?” Raven snorted, remembering how awkward Clarke used to be around women who were more intimidating than she was.

“Yeah. Well, maybe not as hot as mine.”

Raven faked cringing and gagging at the sentiment. It made Clarke laugh again while her friend just shook her head in shame for the ball of mush that Clarke turns to whenever Lexa was a topic.

"Hey, princess when you’re done turning into a sap, could you do me a favor?"

“Yeah?”

"Get me drunk.”

Raven said it so seriously that Clarke had to glance up at the monitors keeping track of the air inside her unit. Was she high on some sort of gas?

“Apparently that's the only way I ever tell anyone how I feel.”

Clarke shook her head, disappointed in herself that she did not catch on right away.

"Badass Raven Reyes, afraid to fall in love?” she playfully inquired. “That doesn't sound like you."

"No, it doesn't..."

"It's fine...if you're still not sure if you've fallen…"

Raven shook her head and Clarke wondered what expression she was hiding from her. Between Octavia and Raven, Octavia always spoke her mind. Raven always showed what she felt. That was almost mutually exclusive. Over the years, Clarke had learned that it was mostly because Raven’s brain always worked on the logical side and the only time she ever got to shut it off was when she allowed herself to embrace the feelings that come gushing in.

Octavia always felt everything, all at once.

The joke was, that was the reason why she can never seem to grow herself a proper filter.

But in time, Clarke has also realized that Octavia only ever has a filter when she could not feel anything to speak about and Raven would only ever keep her feelings in the shade when her thoughts run slower than the beating in heart.

Clarke kept quiet, frown still pronounced on her brow as Raven swallowed her hesitance and embraced the magnitude of what they both know was undeniable.

"Kinda hard not to fall for someone who makes you feel safe amidst thunderstorms, days of nonstop raining and the constant death of a nuclear explosion."

Raven’s smile when she admitted that was the saddest one Clarke has seen in days.

"Rae."

Raven smiled again, this time devoid of sentiment from what she knew Clarke would never coil out of her. Growing up side-by-side, she too, knows Clarke well. Her friend would never push her to express something she had no business knowing first. That was why Clarke stayed neutral even after she found out Raven had feelings for Octavia.

That was not how she was built.

Clarke Griffin was never built to take down walls so she could glimpse into somebody else’s affections. She had always ever been the type to crash into them to take away the pain that came from being human.

The pain of choices. Of loneliness. Of…feeling.

"Tell me” Clarke pleaded in her air of authority she must have been born with. “Everything. Everything you left out the reports."

"This isn't your burden to bear, Clarke” Raven bemoaned.

“It’s not like I’m asking you to tell me about your relationship, Rae.”

Raven scoffed at her. Only Clarke would feel like it was more of an intrusion to ask about bedroom gossip than to demand potentially damaging international intelligence reports.

“I think you have risked enough, endured enough for people who, technically, didn't even vote for you” Raven pushed. “You don't owe Arkadians anything. Not anymore. You don’t owe me anything. Not after all you have lost."

"I have never gone hungry in my life.”

“What?”

Clarke shrugged and Raven blinked at her.

“Are you…hungry…now?”

“Just—Look” Clarke sighed before sitting up right to assert her point. “I have never shivered to death. Never wandered the streets not knowing where home was or what to do when the storm rolls in. I went to all the good schools, hung with the best crowd, painted the best views...and when I would get sick, I never had to beg for medicine or care. That was because I come from a long line of people who had served Arkadia. So in turn, our people placed their faith in my family. And I reaped the benefits...”

“Reality check, Clarke – none of that means you have to die or be forever miserable. That wouldn’t be doing justice to the the life you have been given.”

“Right now, the most unfortunate of our people are suffering brought about by a war, I may or may not have caused. By conflicts my father may have a hand in. I’m involved no matter how we look at it."

Raven groaned, lightly throwing a fist on the floor. Clarke heard a soft echo of on the walls. She turned and waved off Luna who took another peek at them.

"You didn't cause this war, damn it” Raven said.

"All the same, Rae. Whatever you have seen while you were away, are not for you to bear alone. So for crying out loud, tell me everything already."

Raven beamed, her annoyance and pride flirting through her eyes. There was no way to change Clarke’s mind when she was this dead-set to be utterly miserable for a fate endured by everyone except her.

"You know when we were younger? Like just before High School and you said you hope they won’t ask you what you wanted to be when you graduate?”

Clarke shook her head, confused at how this question was relevant.

“You said you didn’t know what you wanted” Raven elaborated. “You said you only knew what you didn’t want. You didn’t want to be a disappointment.”

“I don’t remember this conversation.”

“That was the first time you got drunk”

“Holy shit—“ Clarke clasped a hand on her mouth as the memory revisited her. “The night before Freshmen Year at the roof of your house. My dad was so pissed!”

“That was on us, by the way. We didn’t think you’d like the punch that much.”

“You didn’t tell me what was in it!”

Raven laughed, her eyes drifting back to that night.

“What prompted this trip down memory lane?” Clarke asked.

“You never have been a disappointment, Princess. Not to your parents, not to Arkadia…especially not to us. After all that we have both seen these last months, hearing you still true to what makes you…well, you? I’m so proud of you.”

“Stop. That’s too cheesy. And you’re changing the topic.”

“Worth a shot” Raven smirked.

“Come on, Rae” Clarke urged. She inched closer to the glass wall, desperate to not feel so disconnected from someone who she has been attached to since childhood. “How bad was it?”

Raven met her eyes, sternly. She wanted to be sure Clarke was up for this kind of conversation right now. And she wanted to make her promise that it wouldn’t change anything. Clarke nodded, understanding what the look was and never needing the words that her friend would never be able to say in the moment.

They had drifted away from each other once before. They were not going to let this war do that again. Even if some truths are enough to detach you from the person you were before you have seen what you were probably too young to see.

“You would think the hardest part of being there was the seemingly subtle yet constant threat to my life but it wasn't” Raven started. “What I struggled most was the sheer loneliness of it all. There was literally no one to talk to. I looked forward to the daily calls with Anya but those never last for too long. Calling Abby was shorter and whenever I spoke directly to Lexa, it was always bad news."

"I love how I'm left out of this list. I miss you too by the way."

Raven snorted.

"Whenever we get a chance to actually talk, it's always the hardest to recover from."

"Recover?”

"I could hear the heavy worry in your voice and I'm brought back to High School when you would stress out about taking care of me and Octavia” Raven said after she nodding a confirmation that she had used the right word. “It never really occurred to you that the only thing we ever wanted was to keep you safe and sane."

"Sorry..."

"God, Clarke” Raven threw the pillow on her cot at Clarke.

If there wasn’t the wall, she would have hit her too.

“Stop apologizing or I will slap you the minute I get out of here” she warned seriously. “All I'm saying is...you're a reminder why I was there. That's not meant to pass some blame. It was just me thinking that if you were fighting like hell here, I damn well will do my job there. Then we end the call and I'd miss you and Octavia. Trust me, that is a harder feeling to shake off than, like, getting horny in the middle of nowhere."

Clarke cringed at the thought of her best friend and her girlfriend’s honorary sister getting hot and steamy in bed. She laughed it off when she heard Raven chuckling at her sheer discomfort at the image. She knew she had thrown that in there to tease her.

Clarke was never a prude or even “faint-hearted” as Octavia would call it. She had always just hated having a mental image of her friends in bed with someone that she actually knows well to..

"Do I even want to know how you handled that?" she asked, laughing along Raven.

"Handled."

They laughed again, feeling like they were in their teenage bedrooms, pining over their first crushes. Clarke understood what Raven said that nostalgia was a harder foe to beat that human desire for touch and flesh.

"If Octavia were here you would never hear the end of it” she said, settling her laugh.

"Damn right, I won't. Anyway, being alone out there...it makes you think of the craziest things. Which is a good thing because that was how I figured out to track those first batch of transmissions. You remember?"

"Yeah the signals from the bomb team and the ones from here."

"Shady shit but at first I didn't want to confirm it…” Raven’s eyes narrowed at the details of this specific memory.

Clarke knew their short trip back to their sunnier days was over.

“At that point, Anya and I have had long talks about how Polis handles their prisoners” Raven continued. “I knew that they will not show mercy on our people and I knew that even if your mom does, people won't be kind to her for it. So I made sure. I spent hours just watching the lines. I even taught myself to modify both the software and hardware they provided me with—“

“Show off.”

“Shut up. I had to cloak my taps but then somehow make sure it was faster than the system your mom equipped the bomb team with. The glitches were always too quick so I had to catch up.”

“And you did”

Raven half-nodded and half-shook her head, like she couldn’t believe she managed all of that. Or maybe, couldn’t believe what they found out when they finally got ahead.

“Anya was there when I first confirmed the pattern."

"I remember that day” Clarke said. “Octavia kept saying she had this gut feeling about you but she couldn't understand what it was. I wanted to call you right away but there was a buzz in the tower that you were already in contact with Lexa."

"It was actually kinda funny. And probably what really brought Anya and me close. I needed to go up the roof to pin the chip on the chimney of my little station in the woods."

"Chimney?"

"It was very little red riding hood but like the Into The Woods version, you know?"

"And you were the wolf?" Clarke smirked.

"Hell yeah I was!”

Clarke snickered at her friend raising both arms as though she had just won first place in some contest.

“Anyway, Anya said she was under strict orders to keep me alive and considering she was due for a perimeter check, she told me to hold off on going up the roof” Raven narrated, excitedly. “The problem was, I already sensed the pattern and if I don't have the new hardware running, we'd miss our window. It was one of the colder days... I mean, it was not storming or snowing yet, but it was all hell’s kind of cold.”

“Cozy up?”

“Okay, seriously if you keep interrupting, you’re not getting to the best part.”

Clarke stuck her tongue out before motioning for Raven to continue.

“We compromised, she went up the roof and I had to give her instructions on how to attach the chip."

"I'd kill to see that."

"Oh it was a riot” Raven whistled. “She kept saying I should not yell because of our precarious location but at the end of the day, she was not as computer savvy as she led on. I had to climb up there, attach the chip and while we celebrated in the cold, the roof started creaking."

Clarke snorted through the laugh she was suppressing. She had to physically cover her mouth with her hands just so she wouldn’t interrupt Raven’s storytelling. But she was already hooting at the fact that nothing ever good came with “the roof started creaking.”

"I didn't realized there was a portion of the roof that used to be for stargazing or whatever -- you know when their ancestors used the stars to tell them what to do?” Raven smiled defensively. “Yeah, so that bit was already cracked. It was cold, it froze a bit so I thought it was solid.”

Clarke shook her head wildly, her shoulders shaking at the opportunity to tease her friend about the disaster that must surely have followed.

“When I checked if we got the signal, the thing went green, I jumped, one foot landed on the glass bit, in goes one leg."

"Raven!"

"Oh, now you want to look horrified?”

“Leg in glass, Raven Reyes?!”

“Oh please. I was laughing my ass off” Raven assured her in fond chuckles.

Clarke’s eyes zeroed in on one end of the scar that was strategically concealed by Raven’s pajamas. It was healing, and looked to have been treated well. Still, wounds like that take time to completely be free of pain. She wondered if the travel caused added discomfort to the cut.

“Now, yes, the blood was horrific—“

“Raven! How deep did the damn roof cut you?”

“--and I was starting to lose tingling against the pain but it was the most normal thing I've been part of in a while because remember back when we had that vacation?”

“Where your leg got caught in a glass roof used for stargazing? No, I don’t.”

Raven rolled her eyes at her, tugging down the pajamas to hide any more traces of the scar.

“The one where some of your fancier friends took us to an observatory after hours and I broke a constellation display with my elbow cause I leaned in too hard?"

Clarke took a second to pinpoint what she was talking about.

"That was the worst!” she nervously chuckled when the memory came to her. “We ran out of there and I'm pretty sure I'm still paying for the security guard not to be fired!"

"It was an accident! And your friend paid for the glass because he was trying to impress you."

"And Octavia told him to quit it because one, I was already dating Finn and two, it was his fault we were there in the first place.”

“It was a good day, Princess.”

Clarke nodded. It was. It was one of those days that would make for a great story or inside joke.

“I saw his dad at the Ball last week. I can't believe we got away with that."

"We got away with a lot. You always covered for us."

"Yeah well... Whatever."

Raven smirked, knowing Clarke was deflecting any kind of fondness being thrown her way.

"Anyway, Anya pulled me out of that mess, dressed my wounds then went back up to fix the roof. She's a quiet worker, by the way. Very methodical--"

"--like you? You get so mean during science projects and we disturb you."

"No, not like me. Like...like she's done that kind of fixing before. Like she was actually trained for it. Like she knows how to fix everything and it wasn't even a bother.”

“Like there is a quiet sureness in her approach."

Raven nodded and Clarke had a feeling that the both of them must have been told the same stories of how Anya and Lexa were trained for their jobs and roles.

"So yeah, if she wasn't so quiet the entire time, I wouldn't have noticed when she started grumbling as she climbed down the roof. That's when I heard her say that she cannot believe she was...falling for such a klutz."

"That is so cute."

"When I asked her about it, all she would fess up to is that even if she didn't have orders from Lexa to keep me alive, she'd still keep me safe."

Clarke made a mental note to give Anya a hug. It might be met with the most awkward response ever but after this anecdote, she owed her one.

"And, total disclosure, we've totally hooked up before but that night it was different. I mean...sure, it hadn't felt like a hook-up for a while. I totally knew that there were something real there, especially the night we left Polis.

Raven paused as though the word kept eluding her.

“But…something just clicked. Like—Like--- I just knew it was different."

"Like you knew she was the only person you would ever want to sleep with?"

"Like...” Raven’s voice broke. “Like…how could I ever want…to share…this…much of…me with…anybody else?"

It was the slowness that Raven said it. The change of pace from her earlier excitement that sent Clarke’s spine to chills. Raven did not lower her voice, as though she had something to hide. It was as loud as when she was practically cheering about breaking expensive displays at an observatory. But she cuddled into the words.

Slowly.

Like she was savouring the memory.

She spoke as though she was sculpting moments in fragments of time, wanting to forever preserve them.

There was a delicateness to it, a careful undertone, a softness and gentle deceleration from hard-hitting realities and high-paced consequences.

How can Clarke ever be convinced that Raven was not unconditionally in love with Anya?

"And then…” she tried to speak slowly too, afraid to break the grace in the moment. “You woke up the next morning…only to realize that you have, actually, shared…that much of yourself with her. You’ve gone…beyond the point of when you could take it all…back."

"And I don't want any of it back."

Clarke smiled.

Unconditionally in love.

"After that, she didn't get to come back for a while and I worried if things would change” Raven moved on after an ease of silence comforted them. “But that was when things picked up so I didn't really have much time to worry about how disastrous our long-distance relationship could get."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, more activity at the compound. Remember when I asked you to stall on pulling out the team?"

"Yeah” Clarke nodded. “My mom did stall."

"A small unit came one night a few days after the initial stall. They were Lincoln's men. I could tell because they were dressed same as the guys who came back to Polis after you were rescued from your rendezvous with the Azgedans."

"Wait. How come I don't know about this?"

"I doubt it's written anywhere” Raven said carefully. She assessed Clarke with a curious look, wondering how much she might have screwed up in spilling details.

“Okay? Okay. And?”

“And… They were in and out of the compound in like ten minutes. Come morning, the team made an emergency broadcast to Arkadia saying that three of them were missing."

"Oh god."

"Abby assured them no one was hurt.”

“She knew--?”

“She sent replacements, by the way” Raven dodged the obvious answer. “Anya called me later that night to tell me they had extracted the leak. Polis had confirmation that Pike and Titus were the traitors. Abby was going to go full on trial on Pike's ass and she needed those men as witnesses."

"I saw the files on the upcoming trials. I didn't recognize any names and I read through the bomb team's dossier—There weren’t any overlaps--"

"Lincoln told me on our way here that they were part of the deal."

Raven bit her lip when she saw the thoughts rushing in and out of Clarke’s comprehension.

"What—The new trade deal?” Clarke demanded, more to herself than her friend. “Men for weapons? Are you kidding me right now? That's what Lexa meant she would give in exchange for the weaponized antidote."

Raven nodded. She had no clue what the terms of the deal was or how everyone involved arrived to it but she had enough free time to piece some facts together. It was not hard to at least create a general picture of what had led them to where they are now.

"It's a good deal, Clarke” she stated quietly. “I mean, hey, at least she didn't kill them."

"Yeah."

“Not making an excuse. I’m just saying, six months ago she would have had them beheaded. On site.”

“Well. Look how far we’ve come. Yipee.”

"Did you just decide to be pissed at the Commander?"

Clarke paused.

Did she just decide to be pissed at the Commander of Blood?

Did she just decide to be angry at the girlfriend she had not talked to in days?

"No” she sighed stubbornly.

"Then what is that look on your face?"

"It's my she-better-not-be-dead-because-I-have-to-ask-her-about-this face."

Raven nodded, still with a careful smile.

"Anya showed up a few days after you got bombed” she continued somberly when Clarke finally convinced herself that she really wasn’t pissed. She weighed her words before speaking, knowing that it was one of the darker times she had to face while she was away.

“I may or may not have cried when she told me what happened”

“Oh.“

“But she assured me you were on the mend. She didn't leave Polis until you and Octavia were both awake. She wanted to be sure when she told me you're fine."

Clarke sighed, pressing her palm on the glass, hoping she hold her friend to reassure her that everything was alright now.

"She had to stay longer than planned” Raven said, after she gave her a virtual high five. “We were fixing our trackers when she had this bad feeling that we were being watched. We waited until it was dark enough. It had started raining that night so that was helpful, I guess."

"You waited for what?"

"We left the safehouse…”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed at Raven once more. She did not know anything about this. She had read all the reports and she had never missed a call from Raven, save for the ones when she was unconscious. Raven gave her a shrug as though challenging her to do something about the circumstances belonging to the past.

“That was the first time I've ever walked anywhere while it was pitch dark” she recounted, ignoring Clarke’s inquiring eyes. “I'm not just saying it was dark as night. I'm saying it was black and I was blind. Anya said the rain was perfect cover. No moon or stars or any sort of light. We climbed up this huge nest thing she built on a tree a few paces away from the safehouse.”

“When did you learn how to climb a tree again?”

Raven laughed hollowedly.

“It was storming by the time I managed to get myself up there, okay? She climbed like it wasn't a big deal. I almost thanked the dark because her smug face would have annoyed me."

"What was up there?"

"Anya said she felt like our location was compromised. That was why Lexa sent her in the first place. She did not think much about the possibility until she got there and could not shake off the feeling of being the prey.”

“Were you compromised?” Clarke asked, her voice shaking slightly.

“Yeah…”

“You were?!”

“Well, Anya was sure we weren’t alone…”

“But no one—“

“Yeah. I know, Clarke” Raven shook her head at the interruptions. “That was the thing -- you, Lexa, Abby, her and me. No one else knew the spot. At least not my exact location. When Lincoln piloted a plane to come get me a few days ago, he didn't know where he was heading until he was halfway North-bound. So I couldn't believe that there was any chance of compromise."

Clarke pursed her lips.

If Raven was really compromised, so could have been the bomb. So could Raven’s quick escape from there. So could her mom’s agreement to have a Polis-controlled guardian of this weapon. They could use it against her. Their enemies could use this to assert their stand that Arkadia does not need Polis and that their Chancellor was being controlled by a tyrant.

If Raven was compromised, if the bomb was compromised…if her mom was compromised, so could Lexa.

Wherever she was.

“How long until they found you?”

"They didn’t” Raven answered after the longest pause they have had in that entire conversation. “Not me."

"The team."

Clarke closed her eyes, unsure whether this was actually a better scenario or not.

"Yeah…”

“Who?”

“From where we were, Anya couldn't tell if they were Arkadian. She was hoping they were Pike's men. But they didn't seem trained enough so her next guess was either mercenaries or hired bandits.”

“Did you…find out?”

Raven scoffed.

“She didn't really ask questions when she killed them the next morning."

Clarke blinked, surprised that Anya would not have questioned them.

"She killed them? All of them?"

"Yup” Raven replied simply. “Wanna hear the kicker?"

Clarke was instantly scared to hear that Raven killed someone, too. She knew that as she nodded, that was probably what she would hear. That her best friend had to kill someone and now, they share the same fate of having to relive those deaths.

"I was her spotter."

"The person that scopes the target?"

"Look at you knowing your lingo."

"Are you kidding me? There was a time all Lexa and I would do was study together. She gave me books on military training, personnel, roles, tactics, everything. She’d quiz me on them and in turn she’d study my Anatomy lessons with me."

"I bet she did."

"Oh shut up"

Raven chuckled, completely aware that they were both fighting hard to lighten the mood.

"Anya said there was no way she would let me pull the trigger” she continued, her voice heavier than the fight she had left in her tonight. “But the most effective way to eliminate the threat was to kill them swiftly, silently and she needed my help.”

Raven inched closer to the glass. She paused, studying whether Clarke had more fight than she does. She had already decided that if she would detect any shadow behind the warrior shining in her friend’s eyes, she would alter the facts. She would lie. Or she would simply choose not to tell. She realized this was bad plan because Clarke’s eyes - shining, dancing, brave – were all shadow.

A shadow that has escaped from the body of a girl who had only ever seen the good in the world.

Clarke was no longer someone who hid her demons. She was ruling them and while she may still lose when she duels them in her dreams, she is completely in control during her waking hours.

Raven sighed.

One day, if they get through the end of the world, she will tell her kinds about the many souls residing in Clarke. She will tell them of the many lives running through Clarke’s veins. And she will be the happiest form of happy when she tells them that of all the souls and of all the lives, she had the honor of meeting and loving this one – the girl whose compassion was seeping through glass walls and fractured stories.

“Rae?”

“She spent the morning watching them watch the compound” Raven said, knowing she could not lie to her now. “When it was clear they were not from either of our camps, she very quickly told me how to work the scopes and all. She told me to only look at the numbers and the readings on the scope. Never their faces. She told me that if she missed, there's a very good chance I'm going to see their faces so I should close my eyes when she said so."

"Did you? Close your eyes I mean."

Raven shook her head slowly. Clarke did not flinch, as though she almost expected it. She just held her eyes, expression unchanging.

Like she understood. And disagreed.

But she knew why Raven had to keep them open.

"There was no way I would shoot these men while they had their backs on us, Clarke. I said, if we must kill them like this, we're not shooting from behind.”

“No arguments?”

“Like I said, Anya hates to argue. I saw all three of them get shot straight between their eyes."

"Shit."

"She didn't miss. She searched their bodies after, no traces of anything. No radio, chips, nothing. Just guns with the serial numbers filed off and blank notebooks. I asked her if we should have waited until they led us somewhere. She said the only place they would lead us is death.”

Clarke hummed. She’s heard that before.

“I sat on the side as she dug them graves and buried the bodies."

"Rae, I am so sorry you had to go through that” Clarke said after she waited if there was anything else that Raven wanted to say about the buried bodies. “I had hoped to spare you from everything--"

"Did you know that Anya was Lexa's spotter?"

Clarke threw her head back, a little surprised.

"Um. I would think so? I mean, isn't that a given?"

"Sure. Is it?”

Clarke shrugged. This was one thing she and Lexa must have skipped on talking about.

“It’s a bit of trivia learned while we were bonding over burying bodies -- Anya wasn't always Lexa's spotter” Ravens said. “She used to be Luna's before her fall from grace. Wanna guess who Lexa's original spotter back at the Commander Bootcamp was"

"Ontari.”

"Ding, ding, ding!"

"So, what does this mean?"

"All Anya would tell me was that that relationship, the sniper and the spotter, should be built on trust. That's something Lexa and Ontari never shared. Technically though, from what I gather, they never had beef."

"Lexa and Ontari?"

"Mhmm."

“Apparently we skipped gossiping trivial facts about our girlfriends, huh?”

Raven snorted.

"Now that I think about it, Lexa's issues was always stronger against Luna” Clarke said, recounting all the times Luna or Ontari came up as a topic. “And from the little I've seen from their interaction, the deepest their animosity goes is that she and Ontari just don't get along."

"Yeah... I think the bigger fight was between Anya and Ontari."

"Did you ask..?"

"Of course” Raven declared. “All she said was that their fight stemmed over the most pathetic reasons but it escalated to extreme bouts of tension for like a really long time. Then that led to a situation that almost got Lexa killed. Lexa apparently forgave Ontari outright saying that there never was any trust to be lost there anyway."

"There can be no deception if there was never any faith shared."

"Let me guess--"

"Indra" they said together before chuckling.

"So you never found out who the men were?" Clarke wondered if they really lost intelligence opportunities there.

"Anya sent pictures straight to Lexa. I suspect they both know now and given that they ended up deciding to move me and the bomb, I guess it can't be any good."

"Does my mom know?"

Raven shook her head.

"What if it was her men?"

"Then…I just aided murdering my fellowmen..."

"I get why you left it off the report and hid it from my mom but--"

"You have enough nightmares, Clarke."

Clarke fell silent. She too had hidden the fact that she still had recurring nightmares. It was foolish of her to think that Raven would either forget that she had them in the first place or not be updated.

"Anyway, after Anya left, it was quiet for a while until I heard chatter on my tap. I couldn't trace where it was coming from but it was code.”

“For what?”

“The compound was being hacked again. I called Anya as soon as I can and she was sure that it can't have been a coincidence. I stayed low, just to be sure I don't get compromised until I heard back from Polis."

"That was when you called just before the summit."

"Yeah. Great choice of dress by the way."

"You already saw pictures?"

Raven’s grin turned impressed at how this was such a surprising thing for Clarke.

"Lincoln showed me a few on our way back. Plus when I called Anya mentioned you were trying on gowns with Lexa. I was like, 'well she hated fancy events as much as I hated the outdoors and now look at us.'"

"Raven--"

"Clarke, how many times must I tell you? I volunteered for this”

Clarke fake-zipped her mouth when she instantly realized that Raven was actually annoyed at her now.

“Besides, you've done good work here.”

“Oh really? You know this from the many reports you get in this containment unit?”

“Anya. Lincoln” Raven said, knowing she didn’t need to elaborate on her sources. “The deals you have managed? No one could have worked those through. And no one else could have garnered this much confidence from allies and neutrals alike. The job you do here is one that neither Octavia and I or even your mom, bless her, could do better. So I don't want to hear it. We've both been doing what we needed to do."

"I really wish I could hug you right now."

"Oh just wait until you hear what Lincoln and I had to go through to get back to his plane. You’re gonna want to give me more than just a hug. You’d end up giving me your trust fund. Oh, and not to mention getting shot at just as we were flying out of there.”

“You got shot at?”

“Hell, yeah. And he's pissed that they missed us."

"What? Why?"

"They were Special Forces. His Special Forces!" Raven laughed like it was the highlight of a vacation. "They were there to retrieve the bomb and the bomb team. His plane was unmarked and carried no flag so naturally we were perceived as hostile."

"Raven, they could have killed you!"

"Lincoln said they would have held fire if they managed to bring the plane down and they saw him."

Before Clarke could ask how Raven could find something humorous about that whole ordeal, she was cut off by the loud beeping from the empty room beside her. She turned and found the door sliding open and Lincoln stepped inside wearing identical pajamas to Raven. His eyes widened when she found Clarke sprawled on the floor. He relaxed when the door behind him closed.

Clarke was not sure what was wrong with him, if anything was. But he sank down his cot rather slower than what he usually moves. He sat up straight, frowning a little before breathing slowly. She could literally see him fighting off his discomfort and putting on the bravest face anyone could muster under the circumstances. She warmed warmly at him, as though asking if the bandages wrapped around both his hands were causing the pain.

Lincoln waved them, wordlessly asking her not to mind them. He shared a look with Raven, some sort of supposed pre-arranged agreement to keep the stories of the new wounds a secret. Clarke did not push it. He was not obligated to report to her for anything.

"Ambassador, are you sure you should be here?" Lincoln asked her.

"It's weird when you call me that."

Lincoln smiled like he knew she would react that way.

"Clarke” he rectified. “Any word?"

"No. Nothing since I last checked."

"And Octavia?"

Clarke took a couple of seconds to realize that he was asking about Lexa first. If she did not have the resolve to choose to think of this as a reminder of what kind of man he was, she would have believed this exchange to be an omen.

Lincoln, like his sister, had never steered from being who they were - soldiers of Polis.

Through and through.

"Um. Nothing yet either."

Lincoln nodded quietly before leaning calmly back to rest on the wall.

"Will you be staying down here?"

"Yeah, they said I could. As long as I stay out here and you in there."

"Good."

"He's tired from only having me to converse with” Raven joked, nodding at Clarke that maybe it was their cue to settle in for the night.

"It is not that."

"It's alright, dude. I'm pretty tired of having to admire how perfect you are, too"

The three of them shared a laugh, distant from their normal voices but comforting to the exact moment none of them ever thought they would end up sharing.

"I have just learned that in moments of isolation, when you wait for your fate to be decided...” Lincoln said about a minute later, his voice trailing off in the uneasy silence. “Or when you await for someone else's fortune to take shape, it is always best to share the gravity of it all, with those just as alone as you are."

Clarke was already tucking in safely her sleeping bag. The light in the containment unit started to dim but never completely went off. She nodded, unsure if either of the two would see her. She was sure that none of them would actually be sleeping soundly but the calmness dancing with the tension their bodies were emitting all over the room was confirmation that that was enough talk. Lincoln was right, it was best they wait out the night together.

They did not have any assurance that tomorrow they would have news – any kind, good, bad, or unimaginable.

But he was right.

The waiting can make one feel utterly confined to uselessness.

Having two other people there, just as worried for their girlfriends as she was, Clarke found the oddest sort of consolation.

Raven whispered a good night a few minutes later. She too knew. They would be spending the rest of the night trying to stay up for news of their women.

Trying until their eyes would give in for but a second.

Clarke was sure she must have screamed at some point.

Closing your eyes and finding yourself trapped in a closed and narrow hallway with blood seeping into your boots, hugging your ankles would make anyone scream. But she didn’t. Not there anyway.

She had gotten used to knowing whether she was dreaming or not. She could always tell whether she had fallen asleep and had been transported into the darkest parts of her mind. The problem was, without the arms which usually anchored her into the reality they have carefully built around them, she now found herself going deeper.

Clarke knew the place.

Anywhere her nightmares take her are usually familiar. She had been here before. Not in real life but in weaved out memories of a life she did not know. She knew this place. It had been a while since she last dreamt of it. She knew at the end of this hallway was a door that for some reason, only she can open. She tried to rack her brain for the passcode. She had opened it a few screaming nights back. The sick scent of iron and blood was making it hard for her to think. The sticky goo of guts and spilled life clung to her feet, hoping to root her on the spot.

She looked around. She felt like one wrong move would send her screaming for help. One wrong move would probably wake her up.

If only she could make any move.

Clarke struggled through the pool of blood on her feet, her breathing getting more and more painful as she neared the door that was calling out to her. She tried opening it as soon as got there but like all nightmares, this was not going to be that easy. She thought hard, fighting through what she felt was moving under the placid current of red mush at her feet. She felt her eyes starting to well up as the voices echoing around the walls encapsulating her started to sound familiar.

Fear.

Regret.

Death.

They were getting louder.

More horrifying.

Louder and louder still as her thoughts paced faster and faster.

Louder still.

Louder until she recognized but a single voice.

The echo was not of the dead. It was from one person.

The one person whose arms should have woken her up by now. She would know that voice if it called her from the moon and if it whispered to her from the deepest pits of hell, she would so willingly plunge to answer it. She would recognize it in a sea of masks and in an ocean of imposters.

“Lexa!” she heard herself yell, banging on the door.

Clarke could not remember opening her mouth. She could not even believe she still had the mental faculty to do anything. But her face was drenched in sweat and in tears as she tried to break down that door, yelling over the pleas of the woman she loves.

“Leave me now”

_Leave me now. Leave me now. Leave me now._

Leave me now.

Clarke had always known that trouble comes in three’s.

Sometimes the most terrible horrors of this life come in three words. They’re not exactly the three words she wanted to hear from Lexa. They’re not the three words she wanted to hear from her at all. She slammed her fist on the door, yelling out why’s and hold on’s and…wait for me’s. She yelled out her I love you’s and I’ll save you’s.

Lexa did not seem to hear. She begged and begged for her to go.

Clarke stopped hitting the door when she visibly heard her bone break. She could see through the blood in her knuckles, could easily find the thin flesh almost dying away from the pain. She just could not feel it.

Pain.

The real pain came when Lexa had stopped talking.

When the voice ceased, that was when Clarke knew she could not breathe anymore.

She turned and found the hallway suddenly clear of blood, the scent in the air back to a rich Spring bloom. The bodies she stepped over were all upright.

Men she killed. Men sent to kill her.

Men all wanting Lexa dead.

Men who were finally successful.

She screamed but no sound came out.

But she was sure. At some point she must have screamed.

That was when Luna shook her to wake up. Clarke met her eyes and she knew that the entire room must have heard. Luna has heard her screams multiple times and she never really asked why. She was not asking now. She was just making sure that Clarke was awake and that she was physically unharmed.

Clarke nodded at her, gratefully accepting the bottle of water being handed to her. She turned and found Raven plastered on the glass, face in agony that she could not reach out and comfort her best friend.

“I’m okay” Clarke assured her in a whisper. “Nights. They happen.”

Raven nodded like she knew exactly what she meant. She motioned across the room. Clarke found Lincoln towering over her, face half hidden in the darkness. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask. It was the most silent Clarke has ever seen him. When the doors behind him and Raven opened, he gave her a non-committal nod and exited his unit.

“Quarantine over” Raven explained. “We’re okay. But one more stop to Medical and then Lincoln will have to debrief me. Lexa’s orders.”

“She called?”

Raven shook her head apologetically.

“Orders came before he left to come get me.”

Of course. Count on Lexa to think of everything before probably locking herself away in some room to die.

“Ambassador, your office called” Luna said. “You have a full day.”

“I’ll come find you later, Clarke” Raven promised. “Hey? One thing though?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay.”

Clarke frowned at her.

“The…nightmares” Raven said quietly. “It’s okay. You’re awake now”

Clarke inhaled sharply. She forced a soft smile to thank her friend before watching her leave out the door. She followed Luna wordlessly and they made the journey back to her office without saying anything. Her staff did not ask where she was or why she was late. They did not even bother wondering out loud why they could not find her any decent work clothes from her room. Someone simply went up to Lexa’s and brought down Clarke’s usual set of attire.

For the rest of the day, no one knew what Clarke saw when she had allowed her eyes to close for a few hours. She smiled at the children in the hospital. She listened to the soldiers departing for war or arriving back from it. She tried to thank those who came home broken and marred. She reminded them that their sacrifices are not unnoticed nor unappreciated. She stopped herself from promising peace or sanctuary.

Later that night, she sat at the dinner table of one of their allies. The Prime Minister was there on a one-day visit and was told that Lexa was out in the forests of Polis, meeting with her Rangers. She would not be back in time to see him leave. So instead, he dined with a room full of Ambassadors, the most important one sitting next to him.

Clarke wooed him with her charm and diplomacy. Everyone else could see how he was impressed by her. She fooled him with promises of more supplies of an antidote while keeping mum that there were crate of it currently sleeping somewhere below this tower. But she could not fool him about where Lexa was. He made it very clear, at the end of the night, that the Commander’s prolonged absence from the tower was making him painfully uneasy.

Raven was waiting for hrt in Lexa’s room. She smiled sheepishly when she cocked her head at the now shared closet. Clarke shrugged and said that it was about time.

“Hope is good for a waiting heart” Raven said quietly as they both got comfortable on the couch.

Clarke nodded, unsure whether she believes it or not. Raven talked about leaving in the morning. She had her new assignments and after all that she and Lincoln had gone through, she could not find the heart to let him down. She was going to go. She did not like it and she did not want to but she was going. She owed it to him and to her people.

Clarke did not have it in her to protest.

So they spent the night sharing a blanket, bottles of wine and endless stories they could not tell over the phone or video messages. They watched the sun rose from the balcony and they listened to the city come to life.

They were removed from all of it – the sound, the hectic schedule, the sun that was making its way towards the night already. They were smacked in the middle of this day that promised of nothing except that it shall happen but they were also entirely uninvolved with the passing seconds of history.

They were not there. Not in the balcony, not in the tower, not in Polis.

They were where the women they love must be.

And as Raven hugged Clarke for another temporary goodbye coming from a friend, Clarke felt that to be where someone else’s soul dwells was a fate as damning as an eternal farewell.

At some point after meeting with whichever dignitary was on her schedule, after a courtesy call with someone her mother had sent over and after delivering a speech about the how children should not have a role in this war, Clarke found herself staring at Evira blankly.

“Sorry, Ambassador. That’s it”

“I’m done?” she asked. “I have nothing else to do today?”

The idea of having free time to be alone with her thoughts and her fatigue was so repulsive that she actually felt sick. She is the First Daughter of Arkadia and the Ambassador to Polis. She’s also technically still in college. How could she possibly have free time? Now. When she did not want it? Somewhere, there was a problem that would call for her attention. She needed to find it before the sensation in her stomach finds its way to the surface.

“Find me something to do this afternoon, please” Clarke said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. And can we get my mom on the phone? I’ve been trying to call her since last night… Do we have news from Arkadia?”

“Her office called before your speech. She sent her good luck and mentioned something about being in a meeting all day”

“Right. Find me a meeting that lasts all day too? But—but within the tower.”

When Evira left the room, Clarke smiled to herself. Lexa would be so proud of her current restraint from venturing into anywhere unsafe. She instead decided it was time she allowed herself to relax but still busy enough to stay awake. She walked down to her now almost-empty room and picked out a sketchbook.

Once again, she found that picking out pencils, shaving charcoal and turning towards a blank sheet of paper could be enough for a soul to remove itself from the heaviness of the world. She did not have a subject in mind but she wanted to make something she could give to Lexa as a gift when she returned. There were not a lot of things special to the both of them that she could sketch out in black and white.

Lexa had ceased to be anything but a burst of colors.

She was sunflowers and fireworks. Foggy mornings and spilled wine. Sunrise on trees and sunsets in water tanks.

But Lexa was also leather jackets and motorcycles. For some reason, against her better judgment and disdain over her girlfriend’s driving skills, Clarke found herself sketching the scene of that date – highway, bike and two girls who just needed a road that led to anywhere but duty.

Clarke felt her eyes grow heavy and she fell prey to a nap mid-sketch.

She was back down to that tunnel. It was still dark as death. The bodies still piled. The blood still hugged her ankles. But there was no voice. It was as silent as an angel’s cry, as eerie as the swish of an axe. She called out to Lexa but there was no answer.

There was only buzzing from the other side of the door. A buzz so loud that she could feel it reverberating all through the steel that holds her back from it. It started to shake the walls around her. It started to created ripples on the swamp made of blood beneath her. It started to crack the ceiling above.

Buzzing so loud it was starting to take Clarke out of her body. She could feel her soul literally trying to separate itself from her – like a shadow of a bedtime story character. And it wasn’t just that the buzzing was growing louder, it felt more like it was growing nearer.

Like it was looming only it was right there on her.

Clarke jumped off the couch, face pale and hands cold. She stared at her phone. She had not been woken up by an alarm from her cell phone for as long as she can remember. She caught up to the panicked beating of her chest and picked up her phone to put the alarm off.

Only it was a call.

From an unregistered number.

The last time she had an unregistered number calling her, she ended up being bombed shortly after. And before that, she was kidnapped. Clarke nearly tripped over her own feet as she scrambled out of the room, crossing the hall where Luna was holding a mid-afternoon briefing with her unit. She frowned at her. Clarke has never barged into her own security team before.

“Ambassador?”

Clarke waved the phone at her face and as soon as Luna zeroed in on the fact that this was an unknown caller, she dispatched her team to different computers, grabbing a tablet from her desk before following back to the bedroom. They shut the door behind them and Clarke waited for instructions on when she can answer the call.

Luna held her finger up, waiting for a connection to whatever tap they had bugged the room with. The call ended before she got to answer and they both stared at the phone. It rang again, same number, barely a few seconds later. One of Luna’s men radioed in and said that the tracer was placed. They just needed to hold the call for the location.

“Hello?” Clarke answered and placed it on loud speaker.

Beat.

Luna signalled for her to keep talking.

"Hello?" Clarke said again, louder this time.

Beat.

Silent as an angel’s cry.

“Hello? Who’s calling?”

Beat.

"What did I say about answering unlisted calls?"

Clarke gasped and almost dropped the phone on the ground. She heard her chuckle from the other end.

A voice she would recognize anywhere.

Luna sighed in relief, ended the trace with a touch of a button and silently exited the room.

Clarke heard herself sigh too but it came out more like a whimper. The kind that sung of the longing she had tried so hard to hide from the rest of the world. She felt the steady and slow trickling of tears down her face.

“It’s me.”

It was her.

It was Lexa.

Her Lexa.

The concern that came with the whisper of her name could only ever be from Lexa. And it was only her that would of course tell that she was already crying.

"I’m sorry, the Ambassador is busy with her new lover right now” Clarke teased, her sobs ceasing as she managed to put on her work voice. “May I take a message?"

Lexa chuckled weakly and Clarke heard it in a sad song.

"I will be home soon."

Clarke closed her eyes and wrapped her mind around this promise before turning her emotions to a low and paying attention to all that Lexa may not be saying, but her voice was giving away.

"Are you okay? Is everybody okay? You sound sick."

"Tired. I called to tell you I shall be home in a couple of days. Three... At most."

"That’s good, babe. Long journey back?"

"Stopovers."

Clarke surmised that the trip was successful and there must have been some crucial information. She had a very clear idea of where this particular stopover might be. She did not care really. She just needed Lexa back in Polis airspace and the sooner that was, the better.

“You are well?” Lexa asked her.

"I might have a surprise for you."

It was a deflection. She would tell her about the nightmares just not over the phone. And wherever Lexa went, she was sure, would be worse than the traveling she had done in her mind. Her own horrors will have their turn. Lexa did not just sound tired. She sounded weak. It may have been a successful trip but there was still a chance that it was not necessarily victorious.

"Wait for me?"

Clarke smiled and borrowed her girlfriend’s usual line as a reply.

"What else am I supposed to do?"

It turned out, she had a lot of to do.

Evira came in less than five minutes later with a full schedule for the rest of the afternoon. Clarke blinked at her, failing to register half of the things that were being read to her. She stopped her mid-sentence and asked that she cancel everything on the evening agenda. She still sat through a total of four meetings with four different ambassadors, all either prying about the rumor that Lexa was missing from the tower or all offering her favors in exchange for an antidote.

In the moments that that Clarke managed to clear her head from the prospect of seeing her girlfriend in three days or when she could fight off the sound of Lexa's voice from behind the phone, she reminded herself how closely the war was nearing.

There were now Polis territories named as Quarantine Zones. They had roads blocked with bodies decaying because of poison. Forts burned to the ground by seemingly nightly attacks of the rebels funded by Azgeda. Their ruins are a constant reminder of how much they had underestimated the exiled kingdom from behind the mountains.

The next morning met her with a renewed faith that they can once more get ahead. It took her but a few minutes into breakfast and a thundering storm of approaching footsteps outside her office to realize that things were not going to get better today. Luna placed a hand on her shoulder, urging her to remain seated while three men entered her office to block out the window, fire exit and the secret passage behind her book shelf.

Clarke pushed away the breakfast tray on her desk.

"What is it?" she asked in a whisper. "My staff outside, are they secured?"

"Your Arkadian team has them" Luna replied, keeping her hand on Clarke's shoulder firm. Her free hand was stationed calmly on the holster of her gun.

Clarke repeated what was going on, her eyes flickering on the Arkadian newspaper she was trying to read over pancakes. Luna explained that three armed men were apprehended in the lower elevators.

Mad men, she called them.

Why were they branded as such? They were strapped with bombs enough to kill and destroy half a dozen floors. They also managed to avoid the security detectors. Clarke heard the tone in Luna's voice. They didn't avoid anything. They were let in.

A minute later the hand on her shoulder relaxed and the men in the room left unceremoniously. Luna gave her a nod before leaving and Clarke supposed she was to simply get on about her day.

Which she did.

Evira made good on her task to find Clarke meetings which would fill up her days.

After skipping lunch to sit with one of her dad's old friends just for chat, Clarke verbally expressed to her staff that she was unsure if she could carry on another three or four hours of listening to how her dad was an amazing, gracious and very wise man. She has had enough of it at his eulogy.

She has had enough of it in her nightmares. And she missed him too much already.

She gave credit to Octavia's foresight when Evira cancelled her next two meetings. The girl does know how to follow instructions and more importantly, she knew how to take hints.

"Would you want to take the rest of the night off, Ambassador? The movers should be able to move in your books upstairs tonight."

Clarke shook her head. She would do that tomorrow. She asked to have a light morning the following day, preferably with children and not with soldiers or politicians. She'd spend the rest of her time moving her books and paintings into Lexa's room.

Whenever Lexa would ask her to move in, she would point out how bare the opposite corner of her desk was. She would hint that it was the perfect spot for Clarke to put her easels and canvass. There was also a cleared out cupboard for her paint, brushes and other art materials. After helping out on a rather slow morning - if you don't count the five minute interruption as the security team scoped the rooms after a bomb went off outside one of the hospitals she used to frequently visit - in the Children's Wing, Clarke found herself grinning as she set up shop on the opposite corner of Lexa's bedroom desk.

She could see it.

On a quieter day, when there weren't any explosions in the horizon or interruptions of suicide bombers, she could be sitting on this very spot, painting colors that all reflected Lexa, while listening to medical lectures on her headphones. Lexa would either be on her desk going through something less lethal than a bomb or an airstrike. They would steal glances at each other. Clarke would shake her head at how soft Lexa's eyes were on her. Lexa would tease her for blushing darker than the roses she was painting everytime she got caught staring.

Clarke set the last easel down. This would be a new little corner of their own little world.

Soon.

She went back down to her almost bare room. There was almost nothing there except her work things. Documents still littered on her desk, reports and newspapers are still all over the coffee table and two or three blazer options were still hanging on the coat rack. Two boxes still sat quietly by the foot of her desk but considering she doesn't want Lexa to know she has whatever was in them, she pushed them away from the view.

Clarke pulled out a lone box from the highest shelf and immediately regretted not getting a stool first. Bottles of old paint spilled on her head, face and the button-down shirt she had stolen from Lexa.

She cussed as she took out new towels from the bathroom. At least she didn't have to move these stuff upstairs. She could still take a bath and wash off the smell of old paint all over her. She turned the shower on and started humming as she cleaned up.

Lexa used to joke that the water in this bathroom was warmer than the one upstairs. Clarke said that had nothing to do with plumbing and everything to do with the fact that she could still find traces of their more passionate, albeit naughtier, sexual escapades. As she shut the shower off, it felt as though she can still hear Lexa's moans echoing or their laughter racing with the soft drops of water. She turned the shower on again, giving her face a quick splash as the images of Lexa filled her thoughts. She joked to herself. They cannot break-up. There was no way she could ever get over her if she was literally remembering her in something as unassuming as a shower gel.

She stepped out of the shower and played music from her phone. She put it on full blast as she went through her routine.

It was probably a bad idea.

She had just finished blow drying her hair when she heard movement outside the door.

Clarke gripped her robe closer to her body, as though that would shield her from the viciousness of whoever must have gotten past her security team. She reached for the razor on the counter, knowing that it wasn't much of a saving tool but at the same time, thanking Lexa's incurable need to teach her how to use everything around her as a weapon. She very slowly moved towards the bathroom closet, wondering if she should hide in there or fight outside. She was literally dressed in nothing but a pair of underwear and a silky bathrobe.

This was not how she wanted to go.

Then she heard Lexa's voice.

In hindsight, she should have realized quickly what that meant. But at that instant, the rush of longing for her girlfriend overtook her usually alert mind.

She misses her.

Too much.

Of course she would conjure images now. Of course it would be her voice that Clarke would hear just before her last moments.

When no one barged into the bathroom doors, but the voices outside still hummed through them, she decided she was not going to hide. She pressed her ears on the door in time to hear the one outside close.

Beat.

Clarke heard her desk drawer creaking as it was being opened. She dropped the razor in a poor and clumsy move.

"Clarke?"

Lexa's voice.

Clarke moved away from the door and on the corner of her eye, she could see herself in the mirror. Her tensed body had moved from scared to thrilled beyond compare. Her eyes no longer darted for a possible exit, they were wide and round from surprise and excitement.

“Are you in there?”

Before even thinking of a reply, she checked her face if it was worthy to welcome her girlfriend home.

“Clarke?”

“Lexa?”

“Yes.”

Clarke was torn between just running out of the bathroom now or scavenging for whatever spare shirt she had left in there.

“Lexa?! It’s really you?!” she called out as she calmed herself down. She didn’t know why her heart was thumping in a nervous sort of way and not in the electric excitement kind. She had wanted nothing more than to be reunited with her girlfriend but somehow, she was awkwardly rooted in her bathroom.

“Yes, are you…are you dressed?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. Lexa could just very easily walk in there and it wouldn’t be an issue. Unless she came home early bearing bad news.

“I thought you wouldn't be back until at least tomorrow?”

“Can you come here please?”

“Yeah. Ofcourse--- Um-- I'm getting dressed—one minute” Clarke stumbled through her words as she ploughed through heaps of towels and robes. “I had no idea you’d be back now! I am freaking out. Can you tell that I’m freaking out? You’re here! I really am freaking out.”

No answer came from outside but she could tell that Lexa was still there. She could feel her moving uneasily, probably pacing with her impatience wearying the carpet down.

“Lexa? Did I just imagine you?”

“No.”

“Okay, hang on. I can’t find a shirt. Would you rather I—“

“Just come out when you are done” Lexa interrupted her by clearing her throat, almost as a warning.

Clarke realized that of course Anya would probably be in the room, too.

“Tensed much?” she teased.

“Just waiting.”

Clarke smiled at how Lexa’s tongue rolled over ‘waiting.’ If this wasn’t so unbelievably awkward and if she wasn’t already panicking that Lexa would see traces of her surprise before she was ready to reveal it, she would be fond of this little exchange. It is reminiscent of their normal mornings – the few ones when they don’t share the bathroom or the closet and one had to wait for the other. Lexa tries to hide her impatience as Clarke would take her time getting ready the same way the Clarke would probably fall asleep as she waited for Lexa to decide on what to wear on a “date.”

“I literally can’t find a shirt— Why don’t you just get in here--? Holy crap, I can’t believe you’re home!” Clarke finally found one of Lexa’s oversized shirts that they keep whenever they would switch things up and sleep down there instead of upstairs.

Speaking of upstairs, Clark pulled the shirt over her head and groaned inwardly.

“By the way, try not to look around” she warned as she brushed her hair hastily. “Have you been upstairs yet because that was supposed to be—“

“Clarke.”

 “Ugh. Are you timing me again?”

“No.”

“You always come home grumpy, have I ever told you that?”

“Clarke.”

There was an edge to Lexa’s voice, like she was both bored and nervous. And a tad bit pissed off.

There was tension there that can only ever mean she did come home early because something terrible must have happened. Clarke dropped the brush on the counter and finally went out the bathroom, a huge smile to welcome Lexa home paired with a curious and worried furrow on her brow to greet whatever horror she arrived with.

 “Babe, I'm right here” she said, walking towards Lexa in an unwillingly slow pace.

Lexa stood there, white-faced and all shades of horrified hiding behind her eyes. Clarke looked down at her body and fought back rolling her eyes. This is not the least amount of clothes her girlfriend has seen her in.

“What is it?” she asked nervously. “What's wrong?”

Lexa cleared her throat before taking a huge step to the side, revealing a person standing behind her, possibly on the verge of a heart attack.

Clarke must have gone through the most painful seizure as she fought her jaw from falling on the ground.

The Chancellor of Arkadia.

Her mother.

Abby was in Polis. In her room. In her nearly moved out room, witnessing what probably should be a moment no mother should watch a daughter share with her girlfriend. At least not in the current stage of the relationship Abby has with Lexa.

“Mom” Clarke croaked.

Lexa was blushing beside Abby but she offered her girlfriend a small and supportive smile.

“What are you doing—“ Clarke stopped herself. The feelings she that hounded her while she was inside the bathroom easily dissipated at the number of reasons why her mother would leave Arkadia and show up unannounced in Polis. “Mom, are you okay?”

Abby struggled between a nod and a strong no.

“We need to talk” she finally said, her eyes also struggling between reprimand and pleas.

“Are you okay?”

“Let’s start with ‘I miss you, daughter’ then move to ‘let’s converse privately please.”

Clarke found her senses again, the pure terror of the earlier scene completely gone.

“We can talk here.”

She looked at Lexa for confirmation. Luna had swept the room earlier but she found that she had missed hearing words of security from her own girlfriend.

“The room is bug free” Lexa assured.

“Would you be joining us, Commander?” Abby asked casually.

Clarke could tell that her mom did not want a positive response from the implied invitation. But she could also read from Abby’s body language that she was very much wanted to make this entire situation all the more awkward if that would mean that she will get a better read of what has been going on between her daughter and the Commander of Blood.

“Mom, I think Lexa needs her rest—“ Clarke interjected. “We should--- I mean, unless you want to stay.”

“I have to unpack” Lexa lied graciously.

She did not unpack and Clarke knew more than anyone how Lexa despised even the suggestion of unpacking post-travel.

“Can you maybe unpack later? After…this?”

Lexa looked confused at Clarke’s suggestion.

They both knew that neither of them wanted to be trapped in that room with Abby together. This entire conversation was a time bomb ticking its last traces of life. Clarke, on the other hand, had gotten over just how ridiculous of a situation she was in. Her mind was already on what could possibly have happened with her mother and how can she possibly stall Lexa from seeing that she had moved in their bedroom.

“Just—just--don’t go upstairs yet” she stammered. “Unless…you want to go upstairs?”

Lexa looked at her like she had never seen her so out of her game before. Whatever traces of charm and eloquence she was gifted with at birth must have gone down the drain.

“Do you want to go upstairs, Clarke?” Abby asked her.

Clarke looked horrified at her mother who simply stood her ground, waiting for an answer, an explanation or some sort of prayer. Lexa supressed a smile, finally understanding what Abby was doing.

“I will be in my office” she said, turning to leave.

“We can go to my office” Clarke stopped her.

“Why?”

“If you need to…lie down for a bit. Here is-is-is kinda good…too.”

Lexa looked around the room and blushed at the sight of the bed.

Clarke chided herself. This was a nightmare of her own doing. And apparently she was the only one stopping herself from waking up.

“Stay here” Lexa told her gently. “Take your time.”

“Commander—I didn’t mean to impose. I just—I really thought you wouldn’t be back yet. We can head to my office now—I’ll go out--- We can go---“

“Clarke, you are not wearing any pants.”

“Right.”

“So stay.”

Clarke sighed sharply as Abby stared at her again before offering a hand to Lexa.

“Chancellor” Lexa bid as she shook it in a saving grace only she could muster.

“Commander.”

“Clarke.”

The two women looked at her, both with evident disappointment riddled with an embarrassing shade of amusement. She hung her head. She really needed to stop mimicking Octavia’s go-to quips in uncomfortable situations.

Lexa left the room without another word and Abby walked to hug her daughter. Clarke relaxed for about a second, finding the scent of home in her mother’s embrace. She gently let herself loose, apologetically smiling at her mom as she asked for a minute.

“I’ll be right back” she said, her voice swarming with a panicky sort of apology. “Just—I’ll explain, mom. Please wait.”

Clarke basically zoomed out of her room, following her girlfriend’s exit. She shut her door loudly. Lexa, who had just given out orders to the horde of men in the hallway and was walking away, stopped on her tracks.

“Um, excuse me?” Clarke called out, the demand in her tone strong with righteous authority.

Suddenly, three sets of security teams panicked as they tried to make themselves scarce. Lexa's went to the far end of the hall, backs on the Commander and the Ambassador. Luna's unit followed her into their small HQ where she left the door with the tiniest of openings, effectively giving them privacy but still a chance to hear if there was an attack.

Abby's bodyguards rushed to stand by the elevator doors.

Gus pretended to be anywhere but there.

Lexa turned slowly.

“Yes?”

Clarke studied her. All the details that she missed when she came out of the bathroom.

Lexa had obviously changed out of whatever she was wearing on her journey back. She was still wearing unpolished and fairly battered combat boots and fatigues with traces of dirt here and there. But that was a fresh black shirt she had on. Clarke knew this because she had often commented she hated how starchy those looked whenever they were being used for the first time. Lexa would always have hers a little bit ruffled before putting them on.

For no purpose other than to please Clarke's eyes.

She had dark shadows under her eyes. Darker and heavier than usual. Save for the still shining cut on the side of her lower lip, Lexa looked to be uninjured. At most, she looked paler, like she hasn’t seen the sun the entire time she was away.

Clarke exhaled slowly.

It was relief. It was tension. It was tears she cannot cry out just yet. It was laughter ready to burst.

It was a ‘thank you.’

And an ‘I miss you.’

Lexa shrugged at her expectantly and Clarke noticed that it was less fluid that her usual movement. She must either have hurt her back or her shoulder again. She also knew that by the way Lexa was biting the inside of her cheek, she was doing the exact same thing at her. Only Lexa wasn't checking for injuries. She was probably estimating the number of hours Clarke has slept, how bad the nightmares were and how much more bad news she could handle.

Clarke loved her more for it.

She wanted to run to her, collapse in her arms and ask her never to leave again.

But the door in Luna's headquarters was still slightly open. Arkadian security was still holding the elevator on pause. Lexa's guards were at the end of the hall. And Gus, bless his silence, was still standing a few paces away from them.

Lexa smirked at her, reading her mind.

_People can see._

“Yes?” Clarke shook off her sentimentality. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

Lexa blinked.

“And what would the Ambassador wish to hear?”

“I would have settled for ‘I was thinking of you while I was away’ but since the moment has passed, let’s go with an answer to why the sweet, sweet hell is my mother in my room?”

The side of Lexa’s lips twitched, threatening a smile she was not ready to reward just yet.

“Imagine if I brought her into mine and you paraded out of the bathroom without pants on”

“Why didn’t you tell me she was arriving with you?”

“It was not planned and I had thought you would be pleased with the surprise.”

Clarke threw her hands up and let them noisily fall back to her sides.

“I walked out of the bathroom, pants-less because I thought I would be greeting my girlfriend—who, by the way, did not tell me she was coming home today—in what surely is not the most skin she has seen of me.”

Lexa’s shoulder shook weakly as she fought back a laugh.

“Surprise” she said smiling, taking a couple of quick steps towards Clarke. “May I kiss you?”

Clarke shook her head at how honest that permission was asked.

She gave her the only response that was appropriate.

A kiss that part of her thought she might never have with Lexa ever again.

She melted at the instant their lips met. Lexa quivered for a brief second, her lips cold as though deprived of the warmth that hardly ever radiates from her without Clarke’s company. Hers had a thirst to quench, starved of the sanctuary that Lexa can only ever provide.

Lexa had long ceased to be but a still mountain, long ceased being anything remotely unyielding. She was a storm and Clarke felt the thunder roll in, the lightning displayed and the rain drenched her parched soul. This was electric, a soft current of the smallest particles finally converging to rekindle the brightest fragments of their souls.

Clarke placed her hands on her girlfriend’s face, cradling her gently as they kissed. She needed to hold her just to make sure that she did not imagine her. She needed that anchor to be sure that she was not dreaming nor would this woman of her dreams be yanked away by the thieves of nightmares. When Lexa tugged onto her hips, she knew.

They were both home.

“I thought I would be surprising you for once” she murmured as she rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Oh, you did.”

“Shut up.”

Lexa laughed and they pulled away from each other, only their fingers left touching.

“Do you want to give me a heads up on what to expect in there?”

“Well, your mother is fully-clothed. I can assure you that.”

“Keep this up and you will only ever get to see me fully-clothed.”

“Apologies, Ambassador” Lexa feigned a petrified apology before turning serious. “She gave us access to the tunnels, under Arkadia, do you remember?”

“Yeah?”

“I used them to acquire something of importance.”

“You were in Arkadia this entire time?”

“No.”

“Okay? Okay. And my mom is here because?”

“I suspect to talk to you about this. And… It has not been out in the news yet but she had been the subject of another attack. This one closer than any bomb has been of late.”

“What happened?”

Lexa considered before shaking her head.

“It is best you hear from her” she decided, pulling Clarke for another hug.

Clarke kissed her again, mildly surprised at this rather unprecedented careless show of affection. Lexa smiled into the kiss, like she had been expecting this kind of reception all along. When Clarke initially pulled away, she held on tighter, savoring the connection.

The security of a home longed for.

“Thank you” Clarke said quietly, as she gently pressed her forehead into Lexa’s. “For saving my mom.”

“She, in a way, rescued me. I simply allowed her to come surprise you.”

“Well, two birds, one stone for the Commander”

“I aim to impress.”

Clarke smirked, before completely relieving the both of them from each other’s touch.

“I’ll come find you later, okay? I’ll go talk to my mom now.”

“Mhmm.”

“I missed you.”

Lexa kissed her cheek but did not respond. She waited for Clarke to go back into the room before walking away. Clarke made a mental reminder to ask her if why that was. If she remembered correctly, Lexa used to hate watching her leave. It should still be their inside joke if it were not for the painful memories that followed it.

She dropped her smile when she found her mom seated on the couch.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"Clarke, what did I just walk in on?"

Clarke had taken Abby’s hand in concern for why she was there. At the prodding of the question, she felt hers going cold.

"What do you mean?”

“That, Clarke Griffin. What did I walk in on?”

“Well… Let’s see, before you get mad, let us look at the facts” Clarke tried to pass off the question as a non-issue. “I'm the one who walked out of my bathroom to find my mother - who I begged to leave Arkadia for safety - just standing here with my-- my-- Lexa."

"With your Lexa?”

“Mom—“

“Clarke, I know you two have feelings for each other—“

“—so let me point out that technically I’m the one who walked into something—“

“—which obviously blossomed into a deep relationship but I had thought you would have been more careful with your interactions."

"I walked out of the bathroom, expecting we would have privacy. That’s it!"

"Clarke, I am not trying to dictate on your private life--"

"Then let's table all things Lexa and talk about what happened at Arkadia."

Abby stopped whatever she was about to say and seemingly twitched uncomfortably at what her daughter said. She pulled her hand away from Clarke while at the same time, studied her more closely. Clarke instantly felt like she both got out of trouble only to be in different kind of mess altogether.

"What?"

"You don't refer to Arkadia as home anymore?"

"A million things we are bombarded with, and that's what you choose to overthink?” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Will you just please tell me what happened?"

Abby turned away and Clarke reached over, putting a hand on her mother’s shoulder. They were no longer the same people who would team up for Mother-Daughter Bake Sales at school or the ones that won Science Fairs and Talent Shows. For some reason, she felt too distant from the kid who painted a watercolour image of her mom nor was Abby the same person who took her shopping when she cried because she didn’t win the Art Contest all while telling her that she was the best artist of them all.

Clarke knew her touch was heavy as opposed to inviting. She was an Ambassador in her mother’s government. She was holding someone who was, technically, her boss too. When Abby finally faced her, they both had to erase all that has happened since she left Arkadia. They both – whether the other knew it or not – had to strip off all that had pushed them apart.

It was odd. She does every night. Whenever she and Lexa were done with their day, no matter how crazy it got, they leave that out of their personal space. Clarke never thought she would have to do the same thing with her mom.

“Mom” she whispered. “What did they do to you?”

"They weren't trying to kill me”

Clarke scoffed as though that was much of an assurance. She held back all of the remarkable comebacks that she had picked up while dealing with the viciousness in Polis. This was not about her. This was about the hell her mother must have gone through in her absence.

“They were trying to extract information by drugging me” Abby divulged with a calmness that is rivalled only by her daughter’s own resolve. “The serum they used in my drink, it wasn't a lethal dose. But it was still some sort of luck that I did not have a sip because when we tested it, we found I was allergic."

"Maybe that was the point."

"The servant who prepared the drink came forward. They would have come for me when I was more vulnerable. Then subject me to their interrogation means. They did not want me dead.”

“Mom, you could have. Do you realize that I could literally have been an orphan because of a sip of water?”

Abby smiled sadly and this time she was the one who took her daughter’s hand.

“Clarke. You are not hearing me. If anything happens, they’re not going to kill me. Do you understand what I mean?”

Clarke nodded bitterly. Lexa had once told her that after she was taught on the many means to end her enemies, she was then taught the discipline to keep them alive for information. It was a harder lesson because the only thing crueler than ending someone’s life was prolonging their agony. And that was, in truth, the thing you can never come back from. That was the one nightmare that all other ghosts turn away from.

They served Lexa with the same drink” Abby told her slowly, her eyes intent on studying for any reaction from Clarke.

"And you gave her a heads up and thereby saved her."

"She told you."

"She hinted as much” Clarke confirmed. “She also hinted something else. What is it, mom?"

Abby sighed her hesitation from carrying on in this conversation. Even by the way she would squeeze Clarke’s hand, there was still an evident show that she was not convinced coming to Polis was a good thing. She was not there because she had other options to go about this new problem. She needed to talk to Clarke.

She just did not want to actually talk to her.

"Mom! You didn't come all the way here and not talk. Tell me, I can help."

"I developed the serum they used."

Clarke blinked.

"What?"

"At least they might have gotten the idea from me."

"Mom, you were a surgeon... How? Why would you-?"

"Before I ever decided to become that kind of doctor, I dabbled with biochemistry” Abby explained, her voice riddled with nostalgia and regret. “Back in college. But it just wasn't practical at that time... I was good at it and I enjoyed it but I knew that it was not something I should pursue. It wasn’t the kind of work I felt like I should be doing.”

“Making poisons?”

“No, of course not. I had experiments and I had early insights into a possible truth serum."

Clarke considered the revelation. This was not entirely bad. She wondered why Lexa would not have just told her about this. If it was her mom’s dignity her girlfriend was worried about, a near breakthrough into a truth serum was not even in the realm of disgrace.

"How did they get it?” she asked. “Your old notes, I mean. Did you give it to them? Was it—was it completed or something?"

“I didn’t give it to them. But you should probably know who they are. It should help you understand the kind of crime I have committed to you.”

Clarke watched as in suffocating concern as her mother’s lips begin to tremble. Abby controlled her emotions well. Clarke could literally pinpoint the exact second that she stopped her tears and silenced the voices telling her to conceal one more thing from her daughter.

“Clarke, these are the very same people who had your father killed."

Clarke took a deep breath and closed her eyes. A part of her knew that this was coming. She knew that she had put this off for too long and if she had half the mind to not worry too much about Lexa and their less than ideal reunion, she would have known the minute she saw her mother that the only thing that would have made her leave Arkadia was this conversation. This was not something she could end by a touch of the Skype button anymore.

It was time to talk about this.

"Mom, do you know who killed him?"

Abby nodded.

"For how long?"

"I only confirmed a couple of days ago. I didn't want to believe it. Because...this means that I did have hand in his death."

Clarke never thought she would see this side of her mother ever again. But as the sun slowly faded behind them, she felt the chills of the night wind starting to set inside the room. And along with it, she finally saw the image that has haunted her for longer than the deaths and casualties of this war had. Tonight, her mother was as broken as the night she came home after her father's death.

"I had friends back then who worked in his administration” Abby continued. “I trusted them. Too much. I should have known their loyalties would have been with Pike. Over a casual dinner, I slipped.”

Clarke opened her mouth but her throat was parched and she was not sure what she was going to say anyway. Was she going to ask for details or was she going to ask her mom to stop? It had taken her this much time since her father’s funeral to realize that, even if she had always questioned if her mother was at fault over that explosion, she had never needed to forgive her.

She was angry. She was guilty. She questioned her mom. But she had never for a second believed that her mother would want her father killed.

Clarke felt her chest constrict as she saw that they were both sitting there, inflicting unnecessary pain at each other.

“I can remember it clearly” Abby carried on, not noticing how badly Clarke wanted to get out of this conversation now. “I mentioned the possibility of a bomb to one of them. According to investigation, they panicked. They didn’t know your dad was building it. They thought whoever that person was had turned on Arkadia so they had him killed. They found out when the news broke.”

“So it was staged?”

“Yes.”

“Why—how--? Why? They didn’t know who was building it and they just--?”

“Killed him? Yes.”

“How did they know who to blow up then?”

Abby laughed bitterly.

“I honestly think they did not want to find out. They didn't know he had already completed the bomb. They just wanted to stop him before he did.”

“Did he? Complete the bomb?”

Abby nodded.

“I knew he had. I tried to warn him the minute I heard whispers... He said not to worry because he had everything under control. He said he had a back-up plan. He promised we would talk about it.

Clarke felt her eyes start to well up too.

“But they got to him first?”

“Yes…” Abby sniffed. “He must have known they were coming for him."

"What makes you say that?"

"He started making arrangements for both me and you. He started to open up more about his work. Like he knew I would have to take his place. He started promising you options outside of Med School. Like he knew you would need it. He…also planned a trip to Polis."

Clarke’s eyes flashed in surprise. She knew that her dad had planned to take her on tours and maybe on vacations after college but she would have remembered if he mentioned Polis. For as long as she could remember, Polis was always a mysterious place that her dad never completely encouraged to get to know.

"He knew” she guessed. “About the prophecy. He wanted us to meet, didn’t he?"

"Yes."

"Mom” Clarke tugged on her mother’s hand. She needed to get this off her chest before they were to proceed with this conversation. “I don't blame you. They were going to turn on us, one way or the other. The whispers of a bomb -- it was bad timing, mom.”

“I wish that were the case…”

“Why? Who else knew--?”

“No one still alive.”

Clarke’s eyes narrowed at how her mother was starting to fidget. There was something she needed to tell her but it was becoming more obvious that she did not know how to.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked in frustration.

“Two weeks after your father died, there were a series of deaths that never made it to the news” Abby replied after the longest silence both of them ever had to endure in any conversation they ever had with each other. “As of right now, their families think they are away on foreign missions.”

“You—You had them killed?”

“No. No, Clarke, of course not”

“Then—then who--?”

Clarke stopped. It hit her. Of course.

“Lexa.”

“She must have known about a leak as early as then” Abby said, following where Clarke’s thoughts were going. “I have not had any kind of connection or relationship with her yet so I couldn’t exactly confirm it.”

“Did she…admit..?”

“Yes.”

Clarke felt her insides starting to twist in a way that only Lexa effect on her. Only these time, it was not the flirty, romantic and playful kind.

“Traitors are killed here” she said in a voice so foreign that she finally understood why her mother could be horrified over something as small as not referring to Arkadia as home. She did not even sound like herself anymore. She knew she was merely stating a fact but it sounded so defensive that anyone who heard would know she was trying to justify the actions of her girlfriend.

They would also know that she was stating a justification coined from a philosophy she did not believe in.

“Traitors do get a harsher fate here” Abby said too kindly. “Except that one of them had your father’s old notes. The ones he never told us about.”

“Does Lexa have it?”

“Not exactly. We discussed on our way back here. I think that might be the only time she regrets killing someone right away.”

“He was a traitor, mom.”

Abby shook her head, the pity in her eyes making Clarke feel like she really needed to throw-up sometime soon.

“He was a double-agent. He was working for us and spying on the faction that has now become Pike’s loyalists.”

“How did we not know about it then?!”

“Because the only people who knew are dead, Clarke” Abby replied, not at all shocked at her daughter’s fuming reaction to this blunder. “Him and your father. And now we cannot find whatever died with him.”

Clarke fell silent.

“Tell me what you’re thinking” Abby urged.

Clarke shook her head.

“I can see it in your eyes. You’re somewhere I can’t reach you.”

“We should have protected him” Clarke muttered begrudgingly. “Lexa was acting on a threat.”

Abby stifled what sure to be an mocking laugh.

"Sure, Clarke. Sure.”

“What do you want me to do, mom?” Clarke barked. “She’s very powerful but she can’t raise the dead.”

“Nothing. I am only telling you what I know now.”

“It sounds a lot like you’re blaming Lexa for killing the wrong person.”

“It’s not what I’m blaming her for.”

Clarke shook her head again. She had beaten her mother to this thought and she was doing everything in her power to stay away from it. She raised a finger, warning her to stop talking. There were things she needed to talk to Lexa about first, before she could even entertain the thought that was being thrown into the room.

“She would have known about your dad’s failsafe on the bomb” Abby said and the difficulty and pain she was trying to contain made it all the more difficult for Clarke to hate her. “She told me she never wanted the failsafe finished. She knew. She must have.”

“Mom, you are about to say something that could have us both killed.”

“Clarke, she must have known that there was a possibility he was going to get killed that night.”

Clarke inhaled sharply, not realizing that she was grasping for empty air. She could not breathe and she did not even know it.

“Did she order it?” she finally asked.

“Of course not. That is completely on Pike’s men.”

Clarke took a series of quick breaths, like coming up from a long free dive in the ocean. She searched her mother’s eyes for any hints of a lie or tricky secrets. There were none. Abby did not at all believe that Lexa ordered the hit. She just completely believed that she could have stopped it.

If she wanted to.

“Then, can we not discuss her involvement in this?” Clarke asked pointedly. “I would rather I talk to her personally.”

Abby nodded with a kind patience Clarke did not know she had.

“What else did you find out?”

“When Lexa showed up at Arkadia, she was there to thank me for warning her of the serum. And for allowing her access to the tunnels. When she arrived, she found me in my office trying to tamper with the bomb remotely."

"Oh, great. I can see why you didn’t lead off with that"

"There is the sarcasm I thought you had buried in the dungeons of Polis” Abby noted with annoyance.

“Mom! Why would you do that?”

“Clarke, that bomb can be disarmed. Permanently."

"And she caught you trying to disarm it?” Clarke’s disbelief over this piece of information was shockingly wilder than over her father’s death. Even for her. “Are you trying to make her kill you?!"

"I wasn’t disarming-- She caught me trying to change how it can be disarmed."

Clarke raised her arms up in surrender.

"Not following."

"Your father designed the bomb to always work” Abby explained in hushed tones. “Except if programmed very specifically by one very specific person. He had written down your name on the very last page of his manual. As some sort of passcode"

“Like I’m…the key?” Clarke said more to herself than her mom.

Suddenly, Roan made sense.

Even Indra’s consistent distrust made sense.

This is a big deal and suddenly, she forgot how to breathe again.

"While I was trying to change that remotely, I also saw that Lexa already keyed in coordinates of her target."

Clarke looked up, forgetting for a second the very real possibility that her mom was not aware of all the things she and Lexa had found out in the last couple of months.

"Azgeda. Which means the effects may reach Arkadia."

"Will."

"Dad would have never allow that."

"I saw the terms of their contract, Clarke” Abby smiled at how fiercely her daughter still believed in the goodness of Jake’s heart. It was the saddest smile she had found herself making. “Lexa wanted something that would wipe out Azgeda entirely. The specs she asked for could not be achieved if not for the current system your father used. Unfortunately this setting is extensive enough to inevitably ruin Arkadia. It will poison us.”

“Why would dad even do this?”

“You do not say no to the Commander of Blood, Clarke…”

That was true. As was the economics of politics.

“What did we owe them?”

Abby frowned a silent question at them.

“Dad would never have let this deal bear fruit if Polis did not have something on us. What do we owe them, mom?”

“Loyalty.”

“That is a load of bull. You know how everything works around here. We owe them, we pay them with something greater so that they’ll owe us, then they’ll pay us with another debt that we will owe in return. It’s a freaking cycle. What was it?”

Abby found herself both proud at how much Clarke has learned and infuriated by her inability to unlearn something that could possibly be harmful to her.

“I don’t know what we owed them to have made your father agree to the terms of this contract. I just knew that he was more than aware about you and her. That maybe someday—“

“I could fix it? Because I would be with her?” Clarke wanted to cry at how stupid this was. “What if that was a sham prophecy? What if we ended up hating each other?”

“Your dad knew how dangerous Azgeda was getting. Of course, he would build a weapon that can destroy them. He just needed time—“

“To make sure it doesn’t destroy us” Clarke supplied, her mind already coming to terms with the repercussions of everyone else’s actions affecting her own life. “And Lexa couldn’t risk that failsafe. That’s why she didn’t stop the possible attack on dad.”

“Maybe”

“What the hell, mom?”

“Believe it or not, I’ve considered that maybe she couldn’t have even if she wanted to.”

“She stopped you from getting blown up by a bus” Clarke reminded her. Lexa could do whatever she wanted to do if she wanted it enough. “But like I said, this would be a conversation for the two of us.”

“That may do wonders for your relationship but I do not think it aids the previously stated problem.”

Clarke smirked. That may be the smartest point her mother had made since she arrived in Polis.

"We take the fighting away from that region” she suggested in a tired voice.

"And to where exactly?” Abby challenged softly. “The only options we have are to either get that bomb back to our control or make sure Lexa never uses it."

"Or I could disarm it."

"You are not getting anywhere near that bomb."

"Raven has had a look into it--"

"Clarke, it will start radiating dangerous amount of nuclear waves the minute Lexa activates it. And you cannot disarm something that has not been armed yet."

Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Well that was stupid of dad."

"Please don't talk about him like that."

"I'm not” she apologetically clarified. “I'm saying, there's no way he would allow me to be harmed like that. If I'm the only one who can disarm it, he would make sure that there is a—a step one to his failsafe in which I could figure out how to shut it, while being near it, and still not be mortally affected."

Abby repeated what Clarke said in her head.

It made sense. She had thought of it herself. There were two problem, however. Her late husband was always a few steps ahead of her and their daughter. If he intended for Clarke to be the only person to figure it all out, then she is the only person will do so. The second issue was something also only Clarke could address.

"I've tasked the bomb team to do just that but since moving the bomb--"

"Lexa has been keeping you at a distance."

Abby nodded.

"If there is a loophole, Clarke… We will need another loophole to figure it out."

"Raven will find a way. Or I will study dad's old files. I have his journals--"

"Lexa has the only one that counts."

"What?"

"Did you think I would give her access to our tunnels without making sure why she needed to use them in the first place?"

Clarke smiled. Maybe her mother was not as clueless as she let on.

"Has she shown it to you?"

"No. But she might show you. If you asked."

Clarke groaned.

“We've been-- we promised each other not to mix our…priorities” she explained when Abby’s frown became more pronounced than her wordless objections. "It's a…public life versus private affairs kinda thing."

"Just how private are you two getting?"

"Mother--"

"Clarke, my only daughter is in a relationship with the Commander of the biggest, most formidable army in the entire planet and one of their most dangerous weapons is currently pointed at what will surely adversely affect the country I'm trying to run” Abby lectured in a single breath. “You will excuse me if I demand details on how serious she is about casting the rest of her life with this woman."

"I love her."

"I know. That wasn't the question."

Clarke could not help but smile at how unflinching and unbothered Abby was at that declaration. It was the smallest of comforts – knowing that if they were not facing war or fighting over a bomb or disagreeing about international policy or championing their own respective countries, her mother technically had no problems with her girlfriend.

There. That could answer the question.

"Well” Clarke said slowly, unable to shake off the smile she had. “She's my girlfriend, mom."

Abby grimaced between a fond smile and just pure agony.

"Are you two being careful?"

"First of all, kill me now” Clarke said, contorting her face in utter disgust and discomfort. “Second, mom-- I'm not stupid, I know-- I know my-- I know what to do, not do, all of that. And third, let's be real. It's not like either of us can get pregnant. By each other"

"That's not what I meant!”

Clarke laughed at how it was Abby’s turn to be out of sorts. As close as they were before, the one topic they never discussed outside of the mandatory “Talk” was intimacy with whoever Clarke was with.

“I mean, are you being careful with the forces around you?” Abby explained with a glare of warning. “And within you? Have you considered just how deep you two may have invested in this relationship? How serious is this, Clarke?"

 _Life and death serious, mom but you don't want to hear that_ , Clarke thought.

"Serious enough to stay in Polis” she said instead and she knew that out of everything she had said tonight, it was the truest.

There was no way her mom could have missed just how much belief there was poured in that statement and in the relationship that it was speaking for.

"I want you to be happy, Clarke” Abby said quietly taking her daughter’s hand. She looked like she was willing to let the matter concerning the journal to rest for the night.

This was more important.

“I truly only ever want what makes your soul the happiest.”

In that, Clarke could feel her own sincerity. It made her feel safe more than any security team or protocol she had been subjected to. She knew, without a doubt, that her mother loved regardless of who she was with. And she knew that deep down, her mom approved of Lexa simply because no one could possibly miss how happy Lexa made her.

When Abby kissed her hand, however, Clarke knew immediately that there was a sadness to it. A sadness so profound that she knew there was no way she could ever understand it if she were not a mother herself. Her mom must have at some point calmed her fears but not the pain of eventually having to let your daughter go.

“You are young and you already have the promise of tragedy hanging over you” Abby said, the tears she had fought off finally started to trickle down. “Over both of you. Please do not make it easy for fate to take you away from me."

Clarke did not have a respond but she knew that what she needed most now was something only her mother could give. She pulled Abby in for a hug and they clung to each other, making up for the longest time they have ever been apart.

“We’re both learning where to place our trusts, mom” Clarke quietly said when they finally, almost unwillingly, broke off their embrace. “But I promise you, she will not hurt me. Can you give me time to talk to her? Before you let this information out?”

“It is not going out. I do not need anything else to shake our alliance. Or break morale among our people. This was on me.”

Clarke hugged her mom again.

Somehow, as impossible at it seemed, the darkest of truths and gravest of mistakes can be the only things which can bring a daughter back to her mother’s arms. She was a kid again, eyes full of wonder, clutching on to the one person she knew would always be on her side.

She scolded herself. She should never again forget just how much she loves her mother. No matter how angry they both make each other.

"I have missed you” Abby cried into her shoulder.

"I miss you too, mom."

Clarke decided to stay in and catch up with her. She called Evira to have the rest of her schedule cleared. She propped back to the couch and in the most effortless of breezes, she found herself spilling all these trivial anecdotes to her mom. She told her about the date Lexa took her on but left out the motorcycle and island part. Her mom talked to her about random college memories she never shared to her before. They laughed away, forgetting the fatigue and gravity of tonight’s revelation. When they mentioned Raven hours later, Clarke was surprised that it was Abby who waved it off.

“That is not your burden to bear” she said, almost in the same tone as Raven had. “I will talk to the Commander about arrangements.”

Clarke did not fight her on it. Instead she called down to the kitchens to have some food sent up.

They were in the middle of Clarke’s raving about how amazing Octavia was at this role and niche she has grown into in Polis when they got a knock on the door. Evira informed them that Abby’s suite was set up in case she needed to rest. Abby thanked her before declaring that she was still having too much fun with her daughter to retire for the night.

“If we must bond, I suppose we could” Clarke teased, trying to hide the fact that part of her was enjoying this too.

She carried on with her stories about Octavia, stopping only to answer some very motherly questions from Abby.

It was slightly intriguing that Abby never asked about the official and military side to Octavia’s training there. She never even inquired deeper regarding Lincoln. It also seemed that she was all too willing to stop being the Chancellor for just one night. It was something that Clarke had wished for as a kid and even as a teenager. As great as her parents were, they always seemed to bring home their public personas. Tonight was a breath of fresh air she did not know she needed to take.

She had just started questioning her mother’s less than conventional study techniques in Med School when her phone buzzed. Lexa’s name and face flashed on the screen. She thought about not answering it for a split-second but remembered the days that all she wanted was one phone call from her. She stole a glance at her mom who was trying to be casual and unaffected by the interruption.

Clarke cleared her throat before answering.

“Hey, you” she greeted, her eyes following her mother’s sudden interest in what now appeared to be a rather bare room around them. She let Lexa talk about where she was heading off to. “Okay…? Will you be back..? Right… Is it dangerous…?”

Abby turned to her, noticing the shift in her tone. Clarke shook her head trying to say that it was nothing she was worried about. What she should have conveyed was, it was nothing her mother should be concerned with. She, on the other hand, was about to lose what was left of her shit over the fact that Lexa was leaving the tower. Again.

“I know where that is, you don’t have to explain… I know… Okay…” she paid attention to her girlfriend. “No, we’re staying in… I promise… Just be safe…”

“Everything okay?” Abby asked when the call ended.

“She has to go out for a bit. Something about the security at the city gates. Someone tried to burn them a few days ago...”

"Is this…routine for you two?”

 “Burning gates and security glitches?” Clarke chuckled. “Yeah, you could say so.”

"Isn't this a bit too fast? You and her?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow. They had done so well to not question the relationship and she was sure her mom was easing into it. A less-than hidden anxious gaze from Abby betrayed her more accepting side. Her mother now looked more stressed about her and Lexa’s level of intimacy than how much or how little influence Clarke has over official matters. She was sure her mom would have a heart attack the second she admits to practically planning out their next year together. Either that, or Abby would probably drop dead now if she admitted to having a very active sex life.

"We're taking it slow” she lied. “I just-- I just got excited earlier."

"Goodness."

Clarke chuckled nervously.

"Mom, I'm 21. Calm down."

"What you do with who you love, Clarke,is your business” Abby reiterated one-half of the point she wanted to make clear to her daughter. “Unless who you love runs her own country, then it becomes a curious topic for all who have stakes in said country."

The food came before Clarke had a chance to respond. For a while, they both ate in silence. Clarke could always tell if Lexa called down the kitchens as well. There was always a sunflower to adorn the tray of food. This time there were three. She waited for her mother to ask about it but Abby didn’t.

"Is that what you learned?”

Abby chewed slowly, unsure what the question was.

“About relationships in this arena”

"A life in politics tends to deliver hard lessons, Clarke."

"I mean when dad died in the hands of people who claim to have a stake in our nation” Clarke clarified, setting her fork down. “When they justified killing a man by proclaiming that they did it for love of country?"

Abby met her daughter’s eyes. She still had so much of father in her that there were times when she was sure that her late husband was the one asking her inquiries and not Clarke. She sighed, trying not to nod. The truth was, there was no answer to that kind of question. She knew that her daughter wanted closure and solutions but right now, all she can give are the truth and what little comfort that brings.

Closure and solutions are for souls whose fate have already been met.

Clarke did not prod on. She picked at her food while her mother’s eyes wandered around the room again. She spotted the counter just by the desk. Clarke smiled to herself. That was another thing she did not need to bring with her upstairs. Lexa’s mini bar was anything mini.

"Do you think you can pour me a drink?" Abby smiled.

Clarke got up with a soft shake of her head and a mischievous smile.

The only person who was a worse lightweight than she was is her mother. She called down the cellars as soon as finished pouring her mother a glass of wine. She called up for three bottles and kept them flowing until she was sure that their conversation was going nowhere now. She made sure to walk, if not practically carry, her mom to her suit before heading upstairs.

Lexa’s room was empty.

Their room.

Clarke smiled at the thought. She wanted to surprise her girlfriend but she might just have to settle with small victories like having the pleasure of waiting up for her. All thing considered, Lexa being home was the only victory that truly counts. She walked to the balcony to see past the city if there were any signs of movement at the gates. There was no way for her to see that far but if something was wrong, she would see flames, smoke…maybe fighter jets or at least a medevac chopper hovering. There was none. That was small comfort. Either Lexa really was only going over for some security brief or it was a false alarm.

False alarm.

She had heard from Indra a couple of days ago that she was uneasy about Lexa’s decision to leave the tower. She was sure that it was a lure. A false alarm to get her away from where she was most protected. Clarke wondered if that was true tonight.

Lexa was wiser than that. She would not leave the tower for something unsubstantiated. Clarke took one last look in the slowly dying night lights before looking for a pair of boxers. She heard the door open and close just as she was walking out of the closet.

“Hey” she smiled at Lexa who looked genuinely surprised to see her there.

“I looked for you downstairs” Lexa said, giving her a lingering kiss on the cheek before sitting down on the couch. “I thought you will spend the night there.”

Clarke frowned, the sweet burning sensation on the spot where Lexa’s lips were suddenly cooling off. It was an absurd conclusion and an even worse suggestion. She allowed Lexa brush off her bomber jacket carelessly, let her take off her boots in peace, pour herself scotch that she would never drink and relax on the armchair.

“Why?” she asked when Lexa finally gave her a curious look.

“Why would I think you would spend the night downstairs?”

“Mhmm. You know, on the first night you’re back from hell knows where, why would I want to spend any time away from you?”

Lexa shuffled in her seat, twirling her glass uneasily. Clarke smiled at her, knowing exactly why Lexa was uncomfortable. She felt bad to add to the awkwardness of her girlfriend’s predicament but she even missed their occasional petty squabbles that she now willingly pushed Lexa’s buttons.

“Earlier when—“ Lexa started, meeting her eyes with an underlying confusion to her own words. “The barely dressed incident--- I thought you would opt to-- Your mother is here, Clarke.“

“I'm not the one who led her to my bedroom.”

Lexa’s lips curved to a perfect O as she became genuinely appalled at the well-hidden accusation.

“I did not think you would be in the shower and come out half naked.”

“Oh, please that was not half naked. And you have a million other rooms to have stored her at.”

“Stored her at?”

“You didn’t have to bring her straight to me this morning and you know it.”

“I did have to” Lexa spat, setting her drink down and glaring at Clarke.

“Wait, are you actually pissed off right now?” Clarke almost laughed. She knew she should probably let this go but she was caught off guard that there really was a part of Lexa that was more incensed than she was. She sat on the armchair opposite her girlfriend and studied her intently. For her, this was supposed to be a small joke…at least for tonight.

It was supposed to lighten the mood.

Lexa’s mood was anything but lightened.

“Wow” Clarke pronounced, between a chuckle and a set jaw. “Hang on. Why are you pissed?”

“Your mother found you completely at ease displaying yourself in front of me half-naked. Can you blame me for the paranoia on what that does to our relationship?”

“I was not half-naked and you were the one who led her in my room when you could have directed her to my office!”

“No one should know she is here! And since when did you start taking showers in the middle of the afternoon?”

 “I can take showers whenever I want, darling” Clarke retorted with so much exasperation Lexa gaped at her in disbelief. “Also, I did not expect you home anyway. I was going to surprise you in our bed tomorrow.”

“You—“ Lexa started with a bit of a sting as she rose from her seat before slumping back down. “Hmm.”

“What?”

“Hmm.”

“Lexa, what?”

“Hmm.”

“I’m the one who will get pissed off if you don't share what you're hmm-ing about” Clarke warned.

“Oh?”

“Try me.”

“Hmm.”

“Lexa!” Clarke picked up a couch pillow and threw it at her girlfriend. She stuck her tongue out when Lexa caught it with very little to no difficulty at all.

“You said ‘our bed’” Lexa said with the most amused smile Clarke has ever seen on her.

“So?” Clarke tried shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal. “You asked me to move in lifetimes ago.”

They both ignored the term Clarke carelessly employed as Lexa walked slowly towards her. She gulped when Lexa spread her legs and straddled her on the seat.

Warmth. Delight. Satisfaction.

Lexa kissed her neck slowly and Clarke could barely keep her thoughts in check. She was holding her the way she wanted to greet her. She was holding her the way she had always held her – securely, protectively, almost selfishly. With enough electricity in her hands to make it very clear that she missed her with a scarring pain.

She was holding her.

All of her. Flesh, bone, blood and soul. She was holding her so consumedly that Lexa’s very heartbeat was thumping just by her own liberated breath. She wrapped her arms around her, eyes rolling back as the sensation of Lexa’s lips mapping out promises on her neck sent waves after waves after waves of unspoken truths and affirmation. When their lips brushed for the slightest of seconds – a tease only her Lexa could ever pull off -- Clarke could actually taste all the words Lexa was struggling to say.

That was the perfect storm of it all.

With a deafening comfort of unnecessary words to go with the weight of this moment, they both knew that this was the reunion they should have had the minute they saw each other. With an enviable ardour of a still gaze, the longing in their chests cracked into place. If the parting hurt, the pain finally soothed tonight. Their pieces fit again.

They fit again, no longer hounded by physical distance nor likelihoods of their other half’s demise.

Clarke could almost cry as she sought out her girlfriend’s lips. She smirked at her before kissing her jaw.

“I liked hearing it” she confessed in Clarke’s ear. She smirked again at the instant Clarke’s tongue painted games on her skins, then stood up, giving Clarke a victorious grin.

“Okay. Well. Good” Clarke spluttered. “That’s settled then. Don’t be all smug about it.”

Lexa chuckled as she made her way to the closet. Clarke swore it was the most melodious she has ever sounded.

“Clarke?”

“What?”

“Do you want to sleep in our bed now?”

“You are such a dork.”

Lexa laughed heartily before going dead silent. Clarke stood up in alarm. She waited as her girlfriend walked out wearing a different expression of stunned delight, pointing wildly at whatever she found inside the closet.

“Your things are here” she managed to choke out.

Clarke’s lips twitched at the side.

“Have you not been in there since you got back?”

Lexa shook her head slowly before rushing into the bathroom then into the dressing room. For the first time that night, she surveyed every corner of the room. She spotted the art materials on one corner, the college textbooks on the coffee table and the new assortment of liquor on the mini bar. Her eyes stopped on the new sheets – Clarke’s favourite fabric and color – on the bed.

“You did move in” she gasped.

“Surprise?”

“So you really were—when you said—That is why— You did it while I was—You did—Our bed—Of course“

Clarke walked over to her with the adoring smile that she knew she could never offer to anybody else. As she pulled Lexa by the hips, she wondered why she waited this long to move all of her stuff in. This felt right. This was how they should be considering they actually are sharing their life together. Lexa placed her steady hands on the small of her back and Clarke decided that seeing this kind of reaction was well-worth the wait.

“Words, baby” she said, crinkling her nose against Lexa’s. “Use them properly.”

Lexa made the smallest tilt of her head for the kiss that Clarke was waiting for.

“I really had thought you would want to stay closer to your mother.”

“She’s in her room now. I kept pouring her wine while we talked then sent her room two more bottles for safe measure” Clarke said with very little guilt. In fact, she sounded so pleased with herself. “She's usually gone by half of one and I definitely poured her more than that.”

Lexa kissed her again, this time slower. She rested her forehead against hers and that was when Clarke knew that she was not the only one who had a bit of a night.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked quietly.

Clarke smiled with small reprimand at the girlfriend who beat her to the question. She stayed silent as Lexa tried to steal a quick look into her eyes for any clues on how the talk with Abby had gone. Clarke shook her head slightly, careful not to break contact from her. They stayed unmoving for a few heartbeats. They remained frozen on that spot in their bedroom, hands wrapped around each other and breaths dancing around them like ominous fogs.

“Just too much to process in one night” she whispered back.

“Tell me about it.”

“Are _you_ okay?” Clarke checked with a playful smile that barely masked her alarm.

Lexa sighed, gently letting her go.

“Utterly exhausted. You, on the other hand, must have had an emotional ordeal.”

Clarke watched as Lexa slowly sank on the bed, shoulders still upright but evidently wore down.

“You look like you had a worse night than I did actually” she said, sitting down next to her and placing an arm around her. “Like a lot worse.”

Lexa placed her head on Clarke’s shoulder and allowed herself to be cuddled. Clarke loves it when she is this open and unguarded. As much as her roles have expanded quite dramatically over the past month, looking after Lexa was still her favourite. She relished her girlfriend’s silent breath and the way she was completely at ease with having someone hold her. Keeping the world together can wear even the strongest of them down. Clarke usually had to remind Lexa this. Tonight, with the way she was practically dozing off on her shoulders, it was clear that no reminder was necessary.

Clarke kissed Lexa’s forehead. They really were both home.

Lexa looked up to her gently, eyes droopy from sleepiness but still as sharp as ever when it came to reading everything Clarke wanted to hide from her.

“No” she mused. “Your night was heavier.”

 “Well, we don’t have to rehash anything right now.”

Clarke meant that as to be the end of the conversation. She got up and walked around to her side of the bed. She frowned when Lexa just sat on the same spot and stared at her with a thin squint lining up her gaze. As she leaned back on the stack of pillows behind her, Clarke tried to smile away whatever it was Lexa was trying to coax from her.

No chance.

It was the smallest of slips. Clarke made the mistake of breaking eye contact. Her mind didn’t exactly go back to revelations her mother made but the fact that her thoughts did wander off to anywhere but inside this room was all Lexa needed.

Clarke sighed knowing that part of Lexa must have been expecting it.

"Ask” Lexa said quietly.

Clarke did not like that she was still on the other side of the bed, sitting on the edge like she wanted a decent space between them. Any space they voluntarily create to separate themselves from each other was already too wide a gap. She had a ton of questions and feelings she needed to sort out. She didn’t want to sort them out now. She didn’t even want to feel anything right now other than the victory of Lexa’s return.

Lexa pursed her lips gently.

Patiently.

“Clarke, you have to ask or I would not know how to address it”

Clarke nodded but did not say anything just yet. There was no way to pose these questions without them sounding like accusations. And she knew she was not going to accuse Lexa of anything.

"Did you…know my father was going to…die that night?"

"I knew he was in danger."

"Could you have stopped it?"

"Yes."

Clarke released a painful breath slowly. Lexa fully turned to face her, Indian-sitting on the bed now. She sat up straight, shoulders no longer exhausted, eyes no longer unguarded. She was ready to answer all the questions Clarke wanted to ask…if she could find her voice to say them out loud.

“How?” she croaked. “How did you know before..?”

"I had men there who already had eyes on the bomb even before it was finished.”

"They reported back that something was off?"

"Something was very off.”

Clarke hugged the blanket covering her leg. She wasn’t cold. In fact, she wasn’t anything but there was a chilly from the ghostly calmness of Lexa’s voice.

It was not an entire lack of emotion. She looked like she was ready to embrace Clarke away from the rest of the story. It was merely a lack of apology. She was dignified, still.

Too dignified.

It was attractive.

Clarke scoffed inwardly, hugging her knees as Lexa kept her eyes trailed on any hint of Clarke crumbling. It was a new level of ridicule that Clarke still found her all the more attractive as she basically admitted to allowing her father to die. When she could have done something to prevent it.

She should be furious. A part of her…was.

Is.

Maybe.

There was no way she was going to figure out what she felt in this moment. So, she stayed quiet. She hoped that Lexa would take the hint and not ask for specific inquiries. If there was anything she wanted aside from the truth, it was for Lexa to take the narrative route in this conversation.

“They asked for orders when they received a tip that the Chancellor's life was in danger” Lexa continued, getting the hint from her girlfriend’s inability to speak. “I told them not to engage. Therefore, they did not. They reported the incident as it happened. Anya called me when it was confirmed. I told them to maintain position and do not, under any circumstances, break cover. I ordered that they stay clear from any rescue attempts as well. "

"Why?"

"They were spies, Clarke. I was not going to expose them."

Clarke bowed her head at how simple that sounded.

It was rational. It was protocol.

It was Polis and Lexa on paper.

"I had hoped the Chancellor would push through his recovery” Lexa said in a softer voice. “I obviously found tragedy in the news of his death.”

"You knew before we found out, then?” Clarke asked with a little more force now. She remembered learning this fact from Roan. She remembered finding out that her dad had not died on the spot. He was brought to the hospital where he straddled life and death before finally losing. “That he didn't die instantly? You knew?"

Lexa nodded, biting her lip nervously.

"Did you know about the failsafe?"

Lexa nodded again. She stood up from bed and rummaged through the pockets of her jacket lying on the closet floor. She came back and pushed a battered old journal towards Clarke.

"There is absolutely nothing there that I could use for my benefit” she said.

"Gee. Thanks” Clarke said flatly. “Were you ever going to tell me?"

"No."

"Because you wanted it to come from my mom?"

Clarke heard the hope in her voice. She knew that if her mother did not come to Polis, there was a very good chance that she would not have found out about this. Lexa probably would have told her eventually but it would not be in this setting. And it would not have gone as contained as this conversation. She needed to hear now that Lexa would have chosen to keep this from her not because of their positions or roles but rather out of respect.

Lexa gave another, this time firmer, nod.

"Why?"

"It was a family matter."

"And your knowledge of it?"

"Came before I ever knew you” Lexa replied after a prolonged stare-off. “Obviously the situation has changed but I have assessed where we were and where we are currently. I have deemed it to be a risky factor to even bring it up now that we have built so much together. I could not see how my telling you would strengthen our relationship."

Clarke glared. She kicked off the blankets and crossed her arms in front of her. Lexa immediately knew that she was about to get a response she had not prepared for. She sat on the foot of the bed and faced a different kind of anger Clarke was not prepared to feel either.

"What strengthens our relationship should be decided by the two of us” Clarke said, slowly pronouncing each other. She heard her voice and she knew it carried more sting than she had intended. She read it in Lexa’s eyes too.

An unforgiving tone over something that was not even the main issue.

Clarke didn’t care.

“And you became family the minute I chose this life” she continued despite Lexa’s obvious discomfort. “Try not to leave me out in risk-assessments of this relationship.”

Lexa gulped. She only relaxed a moment later when Clarke did.

CLarke extended a hand and she took it without hesitation, allowing herself to be pulled on the bed and eliminating the space between them.

“Did you understand what I meant?” Clarke asked, still holding her hand.

“Noted.”

“I have one more question then we can be done with this."

"Okay."

"That night on the roof of my friend's bar?” Clarke asked, her hand fidgeting at Lexa’s. “When you told me not to blame myself or my mom for his death. Was it because you knew you could have stopped it and chose not to?"

"Yes."

"Are you sorry?"

Lexa did not say anything. She kissed Clarke’s hand but still stayed quiet, like she needed to be prodded. She was not going to say anything unless Clarke forced her to.

"Just be honest with me" Clarke said.

"That he died?” Lexa started, not meeting her eyes. “Yes. Of course. I am now. More than I was before. But I do not believe I am sorry enough for what that meant to Polis."

Clarke did not except anything else. True to her word, she dismissed the issue. She held onto Lexa’s hand, not knowing what else to say. She was done discussing this but she also knew that she was feeling a lot more than she was letting on. She knew that from the way Lexa regarded her, they were both keenly aware that neither of them had said everything that they needed to say.

They were both just tired.

That was what the silence was for.

To rest.

Lexa was probably giving her space to process that last confession along with how that ties up with all that Abby had divulged. Truth was, Clarke was quiet because she could feel her girlfriend’s exhaustion radiating from the single touch they were still sharing.

They both needed to rest.

Clarke stood up from the bed to pick up the journal that had fallen off when she kicked the covers off of her.

"I would understand if you would choose to...take your leave."

"Take my leave?” Clarke repeated. “Are you kidding me, Lexa?"

"To be completely honest I am not entirely sure whether I am in any position to kid around."

It was cute. Clarke almost smiled at how tender and sincere the sentiment was. She set the journal on her bedside drawer and stared at her girlfriend. Sometimes, she still found herself wondering if Lexa would be so quick to let her go if it meant respecting her. She wondered if there was still something in the way that Lexa was built, to choose to have Clarke leave or, worse, to leave her again because ghosts of their pasts and circumstances of their fate.

It was outrageous.

Clarke sat on the bed, her eyes dead-set on making a point.

"If you think that I have the energy to be angry at you for something that neither of us can change now, when I have imagined all sorts of horrific scenarios regarding your death this past week, then you have got a few loose screws in your mojo."

Lexa blinked at her, a million thoughts breaking through the steady façade she had been putting on.

"This...this makes my heart heavy” Clarke continued with easy submission. “And this hurts. It’s not something that I know how to deal with. It hurts, babe. There is a pain in me that I don’t know how process just yet. But something Indra said to me while you were gone has been stuck in my head for a bit now."

Lexa held her gaze, the worry painted clear on her face. She was no longer concerned with giving Clarke her space or allowing her to be angry at her. Right now, she just wanted to take away what was hurting her girlfriend. Clarke smiled at her gratefully, taking her hand for assurance that she really was, for the most part, okay.

Lexa conveyed her questions with a subtle squeeze.

"That there is a time to blame” Clarke answered. “When the war is over."

"Am I to understand that should we both come out of this war alive, we are to have a lengthy discussion and possibly a heated fight over this?"

Clarke chuckled darkly, bringing Lexa’s hand to her chest. Lexa pressed her palm gently at the spot where she could feel her heartbeat.

One. Two. Three.

Lexa sniffed back the fears she had so carefully masked away.

Clarke stayed still, now knowing that when Lexa gave her space, it was only because she was scared of actually pushing her away. It was Lexa’s thing, she has learned. As much as she is known for marching on to battlefronts and facing enemies head on, she had the tendency to project her fears into gallant gestures that could very easily be misunderstood.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

Clarke could read Lexa’s face now. The color returning with the comprehension that they really had nothing else to discuss over this matter. When Clarke had said that that was the last question, it really was it. They were done with this.

"Or you could just help me move on from losing my dad” Clarke said quietly.

Lexa nodded, biting her lip that was quivering from the weight of controlling her emotions. Clarke pulled her for a hug and they both fell on the bed.

"There's a line..." Clarke said, roping her arms around her girlfriend’s waist as Lexa, propped on elbows, hovered over her. “Between my life before us...and my life now. I think the only way I can keep both you and Arkadia is if I make the line very clear.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, I can choose not to blame you for not doing anything to stop my dad from dying. You were doing your job. The same way I can choose not to blame my mom for trusting the wrong people. She was trying to look after him as well. Neither of you wanted him to die."

Lexa nodded then kissed her forehead before laying her head on Clarke’s chest. She breathed heavily for someone whose entire body language finally composed.

"You're tired” Clarke told her after a few minutes of familiar and comfortable stillness. “I can feel it."

"My exhaustion?"

"Yeah.  I'm sorry I had to ask tonight."

Lexa lifted her head and smiled at her. She slipped off of her and took her side of the bed slowly. She was almost sluggish and it was worrying for Clarke to see that maybe this was not just the exhaustion. It may not just be a wearying down of the body from the stress of travel or from the emotional toll that they both just went through. She really did look like something was burning her down from the inside.

"Quite surprised you held off from marching into my office the minute she told you” Lexa said, closing her eyes.

"I'll do that tomorrow” Clarke promised. “I just got you back."

"Hmm."

"You can tell me what else is weighing over you” she offered. "Or you can just take your rest."

Lexa’s eyes popped up open when she realized that Clarke was just about ready to fall asleep too.

"Did you plan on staying up tonight?" Clarke asked as a joke when she saw a shade of alarm from Lexa’s drowsy gaze.

"Doing what?" Lexa asked with uncertain anticipation.

Clarke giggled at her. She twirled her finger, gesturing for Lexa to lie on her stomach before climbing over her and sitting comfortably on her but, she bent over to whisper playfully.

“Want me to put you to sleep?”

Lexa immediately stiffened up.

“Were you not part of the previous conversation concerning your mother's presence here?” she asked, her apprehension so evident that Clarke was shaking in laughter she pulled up Lexa’s shirt over her.

“So?”

Lexa sighed at Clarke’s touch. She took the rubbing on her back as a sign that she was not required to reply.

“Babe? So what if my mom’s here?”

Lexa shrugged and Clarke tickled her sides to make her crack.

“Stop! Baby, stop! Seriously, stop, stop!” Lexa quickly flinched, almost annoyed between concealed pain and unfiltered laughter. “I thought you were against torture?”

“Answer the damn question!”

Lexa sighed.

“There is a part of me that feels weird making love with you while she is within the area.”

“Making love?” Clarke frowned at the phrase. She resumed gently massaging Lexa’s bad shoulder. “Oh no. My mom is a big enough cock-block to alter terminologies.”

She did not know how it happened. Well, maybe she does as it was not even a new or foreign move but in a matter of seconds, Lexa managed to twist herself in precision only she can managed. Clarke found herself basically straddling her girlfriend, who wore a meaningful and suggestive grin. Lexa pulled her head up to kiss her, which Clarke was more than willing to meet halfway, before pinning her down on the bed.

“I was actually thinking of giving you a massage” Clarke informed slyly.

Lexa pouted when Clarke pulled herself up and made her lie on her stomach again.

“Really? A massage?”

Clarke resumed her position and started massaging Lexa’s temple. She traced kisses on her back before concentrating on her shoulders. She made sure to be extra careful, knowing that there was an injury there that Lexa was not telling her.

Lexa hummed, then protested against Clarke’s fingers, almost like she didn’t want to be too comfortable. Or that she didn’t want to be comforted at all. Clarke kept her traces gentle and consistent pattern. Much like Lexa herself, her body tends to be stubborn when it comes to surrender. Clarke didn’t have to beg for her to relax. She didn’t even have to say anything. It didn’t take long before Lexa finally gave in to the wonders of her girlfriend’s touch.

Clarke could feel her breath out evenly. She could feel the tension wash away at her fingertips. And when Lexa chuckled at her naughtier grazes along her hidden ticklish parts, Clarke had electricity surging through her hands to her spine. She wanted her. She wanted all of her, right there. She wanted to kiss her, taste her…love her.

Over and over again.

But she knew that underneath the surface, masked as tension and fatigue, is a soul that craves peace more than the flesh could ever handle.

Clarke bent down and kissed the small of Lexa’s back.

Lexa hummed again, although this time, with lazy pleasure.

Clarke smiled, running her palms from her girlfriend’s curves up to the back of her neck. She made small circles on Lexa’s nape before going back to her now calmer shoulder.

The tension was still there but now it welcomed peace.

Clarke sighed contentedly.

There is a stillness to this moment. A quiet intensity dancing inside her that she had failed to enunciate earlier. They had a lot to figure out regarding new developments in both their personal and public lives. She had to deal with her mother. Lexa had to deal with the disasters in her absence. They had to discuss the past. They had to map out what kind of future they were saying.

They have kissed. They have embraced. They have talked. Argued. Compromised.

Settled.

Clarke is finally settled because Lexa is home.

Home.

Tonight, it wasn’t just Lexa that finally came home. It was Clarke too.

She sighed again, holding back a chuckle at how happy she actually was now.

“This…” Lexa spoke up, her words heavily slurred. “This…is not how you usually put me to…bed.”

“Oh? Cause you’re not falling asleep now?”

“Not like this…”

“Lexa, I still don’t know what exactly you did while you were away but I’m savoring your return” Clarke started gabbing. “Right now, I just know that at some point, you were underground. Maybe you spent days crawling through the tunnels at Arkadia or hours and hours of dodging bullets when you finally surfaced. Maybe you broke bones you’re not telling me about. I don’t even know how badly the security check tonight went. I just know this is the most tired I have seen you. So, dearest love of mine, as much as I don't doubt your prowess, one of us will fall asleep before we can even completely undress so let's save ourselves the embarrassment, okay?”

Clarke frowned at the half naked body under her.

“Baby?” she poked at her before slipping off of her back. “Lexa?”

She chuckled when she found Lexa already in deep sleep with the most peaceful smile plastered on her lip.

“Unbelievable” Clarke muttered, shaking her head with a giggle. She pulled Lexa’s shirt back in place then settled under the covers next to her.

Maybe tonight she finally gets to sleep.

Two minutes after Clarke finally closed her eyes, she felt Lexa’s arm snake over her waist. She met the searching hand with her own.

Home. Peace. Security.

At a single touch.

She started drifting in and out of consciousness.

A minute later, Lexa pulled her into a hug.

Clarke’s last thought was that there was no way she was getting nightmares tonight. The dark can come and the demons can visit. But they were not getting anywhere close to her right now. The shadows that have haunted her in the last nights were all her fears for Lexa’s safety being conjured to life. They both get chased by visions of horrors every night. They both either run or fight but they both always wake up tired. Or they both always wake up having lost. And whenever their nights were spent apart, the defeat scarred deeper, the fatigue heavier and the darkness colder.

Not tonight.

Tonight, they both rest.

If any dream did come, they missed her. Clarke woke up just before the crack of dawn. Lexa, beside her, was still curled protectively around her body. She only turned ever slightly when Clarke gently pushed off the arm wrapped around her. She quickly gathered two sets of outfits to bring downstairs, put on one of Lexa’s NAVY hoodies then walked out of the closet. She headed towards the drawers by Lexa’s desk to look for a small envelope to hide the journal in until she would have the time to read it.

Just as she found an empty envelope, she accidentally dropped the journal and it opened to a page with countless equations. Her name was written in her father’s handwriting at the center of the page. Clarke heard her stomach grumble.

A part of her recognized the equation.

And…she dreaded the possibility that she knew exactly what this meant.

What if her dad really did mean to make it impossible for the failsafe to be activated by anyone else? Even her mother, even an entire team of bomb experts and scientists? What if when he had mentioned it to Roan that she was the key…that was what he literally meant?

Clarke turned and skimmed through the pages and immediately noticed a pattern in the way her father would fold up the bottom corner of seemingly random intervals. She stopped on a page when her name caught her eye. She read through the entry twice and fixated on the last line.

_“Clarke is my blood, connected to me for all of eternity.”_

She snapped the journal shut and hurriedly placed it inside the envelope. She could hear her chest pounding.

Maybe her dad really was crazy enough to put her through this.

Clarke looked for a pen and paper to leave Lexa a note that she had gone down when she heard her stir in the bed. She looked up from the couch and smiled at the slight panic in Lexa’s body when she found the bed empty. She reached for both the lights and her gun before even calling out Clarke’s name.

“I’m here” Clarke whispered in the morning gloom. She walked up to the bed and sat on her side, leaning down to kiss Lexa. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

Even through hazy eyes, Lexa’s stare shone bright with concern.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, fighting back a yawn, before finally setting her gun down and reaching over to brighten up the room.

“No” Clarke replied, stopping her and adjusting the light back to dim. She wanted Lexa to go back to sleep. She could still see how tired she was just by the fact alone that she was only half awake in this conversation. “I was just going to head back down before everyone's alarm rings.”

“Why?”

Clarke pursed her lips. She had decided this on her own before she even went up last night. Looking back at their previous conversation before going to sleep, she realized that it was unfair of her to do this with Lexa. She also realized that she may have backed herself into a corner because there really was no valid reason why she should be rushing downstairs. Nor was there any need to put on a show. Well…other than the fact that she was sure her mother was about to have a heart attack at the thought of her and Lexa living together…more than they already are.

“I figured we should at least pretend we don't...share a bed” she started rather sheepishly. She sounded incredibly ludicrous that she rolled her eyes at herself.

Lexa finally yawned. She propped her head on an elbow then frowned at Clarke. It did not seem like she was capable of either reading her mind of finding the words to ask what she cannot read anytime soon. Clarke smiled at her adoringly.

Lexa in the morning was soft with the rawness of the earth and the strength of the morning sun.

“I thought I should...you know, not push it?” Clarke continued. “Maybe I should act as though I slept there last night. And most nights. All nights, really.”

“This is concerning your mother.”

“Yes.”

“Ah.”

Lexa nodded then dropped her head back on her pillow. She closed her eyes but Clarke could already tell that she was returning to full consciousness now. She was just waiting until she was in the mood to actually discuss this. That may not be happening soon because from the way she was nibbling her own lips, it seemed that she was losing a battle with the urge to go back to sleep.

Clarke smirked. She wanted her to lose said battle.

“She knows about us” she said quietly but firmly. “I wasn’t just saying what I said before for effect. I don’t—it’s not an issue with my mom. Us, I mean. It’s not an issue. It’s been quite obvious and since she hasn’t shipped me off elsewhere, I don’t suppose it’s a problem for her. Or it is but just—She knows about us, okay?”

“I would surmise” Lexa muttered, keeping her eyes closed.

“I’m not hiding us from her.”

“It would be quite the task given you walked out of the bathroom without pants on to greet me.”

“She just doesn’t know all of this.”

Lexa opened one eye as though checking if she still had more to say.

“You do not want this to become polling numbers” she guessed before propping herself up again. “Is that the right term?”

Clarke frowned. She hadn’t even considered that factor yet.

“Yes and no” she said slowly.

Lexa was still intently staring at her, both trying to stay awake as well as trying to make sense why she was bringing this up now.

“We’re going to be polling numbers sooner or later but that’s not my point” Clarke cleared. She knew that maybe that should have been her point. She would feel less petty if it was her point. “I don’t want my mom to have to worry about how serious this is when she’s worrying about how serious everything else is.”

“Ah.”

“Maybe it's best to ease her into…well, us.”

“Ah.”

“I'm not ashamed. I just—“

“Clarke” Lexa stopped her with a quick kiss. “It is a non-issue.”

“I want to be clear about this.”

“You are” Lexa smiled then settled back down on the bed.

Clarke stared at her. She knew Lexa could feel her gaze piercing through her, armed with questions and surprise.

“I know what we have” she muttered on like it was tiring her out, like it really was not a big deal to her. “And I know that not everyone around us will understand it. Stress not.”

Clarke realized maybe she doesn’t have to explain after all.

There had been a lot of talks between the two of them regarding their relationship, both the personal and the professional. They have discussed what is proper in public and what should definitely stay in private. Lexa, specifically, have been very keen on learning what was appropriate in a “normal relationship.” She had said before that as long as it is a big deal to Clarke, they will both work through it.

Which also meant that half of the things that are “big deals” to Clarke are hardly ever an issue with her.

“It's new” Clarke pushed.

“For them” Lexa replied casually. “And your mother has been open-minded. Which you believe is a rather surprising twist. We may or may not have had this conversation before, love.”

“It's just a new reality-- this takes getting used to.”

Lexa peeked at her with one eye open.

“Because I am a woman” she declared slowly.

She did not sound defensive or accusing or even disappointed. She, in her very Lexa way, just stated a fact that she was so sure of and entirely unapologetic for. Clarke’s eyes widened at her, horrified that she would come to this conclusion. She was just getting used to the idea that there was truly no discussion to be had here yet Lexa apparently is of the one belief that she really did not want her to even consider.

“Because you are a woman running her own nation” Clarke quickly corrected her.

No defensiveness, either. Just a ton of perturbed atonement and will to rectify the thought.

“That was a joke” Lexa deadpanned.

“Baby, nothing is funny at 4:30 in the morning.”

“And who told you to wake up at 4:30 in the morning?”

“Fine” Clarke conceded when Lexa went back to closing her eyes and twitching her lips to stop an all-knowing smile. “But just—just know what I mean, okay?”

Lexa sighed. She sat up in bed slowly and took Clarke’s hand.

Clarke used to find it overwhelmingly difficult to breathe when Lexa looks at her this way.

Utter devotion.

She could drown in it, flourish in it…find life in it. It was a special brand of survival. The way Lexa gazes at her, always made her feel like she could rule the world. That all of the universes, the ones they live in, the ones they know about, the ones they have yet to discover…and even the ones that may be living inside them, were a glorious stage to dance upon. When Lexa would look at her the way she was looking at her now, she could still feel the exact thunderous silence that once stirred within her when they first met.

Lexa still made her feel like she could do the impossible.

Like she could be the impossible.

Lexa made her feel the freedom that was robbed from her by virtue of being born into a political family. She made her experience the liberation that was ripped from her hands by thousand year old prophecies. She made her know what it felt like to be truly understood. Without even having to justify why she was the way she is. Without ever having to defend the parts of herself that she had tried being sorry for.

Without ever having to explain all that she was still afraid to say.

“Clarke, you do not ever have to explain to me” Lexa said with certainty the likes of a symphony. “At least not in this regard.”

Clarke nodded before placing a hand by her girlfriend’s neck, slightly cradling her face to kiss her softly.

“I don't want you to think that this is something I want to hide” she whispered as she pulled away. She kept her hand on Lexa’s neck, and she can feel how calm her pulse was.

Lexa was not lying. She was not trying to be cool about this. She really is truly fine with it.

“I just want my mom to get used to the idea that I am with a girl who also happens to be a leader of her country without her having to...process us sleeping together—graphically” Clarke said when Lexa gave her a look telling her to just let out what else she wanted to say. “I want her to know that we didn’t rush this.”

“We did not.”

“But she just got here. The last time she saw the two of us together, I was acting like you left me forever. Now we’re actually living a life together. It’s enough to freak any mother out. I kinda need her not to completely lose her mind or maybe have a heart attack or both.”

“Understood” Lexa stifled a laugh. “Would you want me to walk you..?”

“Go back to sleep. Your alarm says you have 30 more minutes.”

“I doubt I will fall asleep in an empty bed.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at her. She stole a quick glance at the balcony. The sun was not even completely up yet. And she knew that Lexa was not completely rested either.

“Smooth, honey, really smooth. But pass” she grinned at the cheeky suggestion. “Go back to sleep and when we see each other at breakfast, pretend you haven't seen me since last night.”

“Very late last night.”

“Lexa! What did I say about easing my mom into this?”

“I returned rather late last night, love” Lexa defended herself with a lopsided smile that still sent electric shivers down Clarke’s spine. Then she turned on an air of dramatically concocted pained voice. “I saw you and said good night. We parted. Slept separately. Deprived of each other’s touch. Exiled from the sweet, sweet taste of…”

Lexa left her statement hanging with a deep sigh. Clarke couldn’t help but just shake her head and leaned in for one last kiss.

“You are impossible” she said when Lexa caught  her lip for a gentle bite.

Lexa laughed at her but finally relented and allowed her to get off the bed.

“And, Clarke,” she called out to her, eyes on her cell phone. “Octavia got in last night.”

“Is she okay?” Clarke paused at the door.

“I believe Indra is recommending a medal. We’ll talk about it at breakfast.”

Clarke nodded and hurriedly made her way down to her room.

Bellamy was at her door. He raised an eyebrow at her, knowing that this was not exactly routine. Before she could go inside, the bedroom door opened and Luna met her with the same surprised expression. It would seem that her need to appear “appropriate” to her mother had thrown all of their routines out on a loop. Luna did not ask her anything but followed her inside.

“Sorry for the surprise” Clarke said once they were alone.

“We check the room for bugs before you usually head down” Luna informed. “I will have a word with my team about informing me of your whereabouts.”

“I doubt they had any clue that I would be doing a fake walk of shame”

Luna frowned and Clarke smirked inwardly. The humor in Polis really need to catch up to the rest of the world. She asked to be left alone at least until “regular office hours” and Luna took her leave without another word.

Clarke changed into jeans and a button-down before messing the bed up so that it would at least look believable that she spent the night. Then she cozied herself under the covers with her father’s journal in her hands. For what it was worth, it was a good read. Her father was a detail-oriented man, gifted to be possessed of writing skills enough to transport you to where his visions travel to. This was a good thing because at least Clarke knew exactly what he was feeling or describing. It was also a shame because this style of writing made certain settings subject to a lot of interpretations.

She was re-reading the journal for a third time, apparently she now had three analyses of what he was saying, when there was a knock on her door.

“You’re up” her mom’s surprise is evident in her morning greeting. “I didn’t think you’d be up this early.”

Clarke wanted to reply that she didn’t think Abby would be up at all, after the alcohol consumption last night. Instead, she checked the clock on her bedside table and it read 6:45. When her mom asked why she was already awake, she opted to lie about wanting to have breakfast with her in case she suddenly had to leave for Arkadia.

As they walked down the breakfast hall, she allowed her mom to think that this was an isolated incident and that she really did make the effort to wake up early for her. She played it out that she was still getting used to early mornings as opposed to her mid-day college body clock. Abby didn’t need to know that Clarke usually woke up around this time anyway because for most of their relationship, breakfast was the only time she and Lexa saw each other.

Breakfast and late nights.

“I believe the Commander is joining us?” Abby asked. “I had a beautiful bouquet this morning informing me of a breakfast especially prepared for me.”

Clarke smiled and made small talk about Lexa’s inability to keep things unimpressive. When they reached the private breakfast saloon, her point was made. There was a long table filled with every possible breakfast dish known to man. Abby was already too engrossed with the nearest dish to notice that only Gustus was there. Clarke’s eyes travelled to the open doors at the other end of the room which led to a balcony.

Lexa emerged a few seconds later with a smirk.

“Hi” she said with a secretive smile.

“Good morning” Clarke greeted her.

She gave her a kiss and almost broke character when she felt Lexa stiffen up. Maybe she wasn’t joking about the paranoia of having Abby there. Maybe Lexa really did find it weird, no matter how much she considered the revelation of their relationship to be a non-issue. She had no problems keeping their living situation secret because apparently she had issues with kissing Clarke when her mom is looking.

Public show of affection will always be awkward for her.

Clarke sat on Lexa’s left-hand side at the table. She kept silent as her mother and her girlfriend discussed freely about their plans for the day. It was bizarre to know that these two women are still wary of each other yet they can literally break bread without breaking a sweat. Her mother was animated as Lexa narrated the things she learned from the journal. Lexa was ever so attentive with whatever it was Abby would supply in the hopes that they would both make sense of the cryptic narrative in there.

Clarke noted that her mom was not at all surprised when Lexa was the one who opened up the topic first. Nor was Lexa the least bit careful in divulging her thoughts.

It took about two or three back and forths for Clarke to realize that she should instead be listening to what they were not saying.

Abby was not mentioning anything personal regarding Jake and Clarke’s relationship. She knew that the key to this whole thing rested with Clarke and she would sooner give out the formula to the truth serum or a possible nuclear code than she would share a memory of her late husband and her daughter.

Lexa had yet to mention anything about what had led her to the journal in the first place. Nor was she even coming close to mentioning all that she has eliminated from her list of possibilities on how to contain that bomb. She would sooner tell the Chancellor of her plans to only save a few from Arkadia than to slip up about how she planned to keep Clarke as far from this bomb as possible.

Clarke cleared her throat when Lexa side-stepped the issue on whether the bomb was already aimed at somewhere specific. Lexa pursed her lips at her before admitting that there was only ever one target to begin with.

Abby did not press on the topic. And Lexa moved them onto duller matters, such as – to Clarke’s surprise – the economy.

“Are you okay?” Clarke couldn’t stop herself from asking.

Lexa nodded at her with a small smile before explaining to Abby her disdain over all things economics. It turned out, it was a ploy to get Abby to talking about said subject while Lexa concentrated on her meal while still maintaining avid attention.

Clarke kicked her ankle from under the table when Abby asked a question that Lexa seemingly missed to be of double-meaning. She was warning her not to be completely straightforward about the Chancellor’s sudden interest over “product matching in diverse markets and an appropriate timeline to long-run investments in unstable markets.”

After having waded through the shark tank that was Polis culture, Clarke could smell a reach with a single drop of misplaced interest.

Lexa gave her a look before turning to face the Chancellor with what was surely to well-phrased answer that would have had nothing to do with economics. She just never got around to it because the saloon doors opened with a loud enough bang that Clarke was sure there was crack in the marble arch.

Anya marched in, red-faced and vicious, knife drawn at the Chancellor of Arkadia.

 

 

PART 2

 

“Who ordered the strike?” she demanded at Abby.

It was the first time Clarke had ever seen her to break protocol. It was also the first time she had seen her to be completely fuming in outrage. Anya already had an answer to her question. She was there, armed and completely ready to attack, to ask for an explanation. And by the looks of it, she wanted one right away or there was hell to pay.

Lexa stayed seated, eyes carefully taking in the details of this scene. Her gaze lingered on the knife in Anya’s hand and there was a small twitch in her lips as though she knew how ready Anya was to use it. It was fascinating to Clarke how much their roles suddenly changed. Anya on edge, Lexa still relatively relaxed.

Perhaps it was the balance that they bring into each other’s life.

Perhaps, they just attack differently.

“Who ordered the strike?!” Anya demanded again, raising the knife at chest level.

“What?” Lexa asked calmly.

Clarke didn’t miss the fact that her mother’s hand was slowly inching towards her belt, where she knew there was a hidden panic button. It was a really bad idea. They would all be slaughtered and that is assuming that her mom manages to press the button before Lexa throws her own knife at her.

Lexa calmly reached for the closest weapon to her. She regarded Anya carefully, her hands twirling the bread knife.

“Raven's station is under siege” Anya took a deep breath.

She shook as she delivered the news. She still had enough self-control to look away from the Chancellor and focus on her Commander.

Lexa went pale and so did Abby.

“What?” Clarke echoed her girlfriend. “What?!”

“Lincoln is on it” Anya told her. “Commander, I had to tell him where she—“

“Of course” Lexa stopped her with a raised hand. She stood up without urgency. “How—“

Her eyes followed Anya’s less than subtle accusatory gaze at Abby. Clarke shook her head, unable to speak because she was sure all of this was a joke. She was not even certain what exactly Anya’s news meant. She did not know where Raven was stationed now. She did not know when her mother was informed of the details of this new location and new assignment. She did not know how Lexa could have been briefed in the short period that she has been home.

She, for the life of her, did not know why Lexa would be so calm right now.

That was when it hit her.

She should probably really start to be afraid. Lexa is never this calm in the face of an attack. Unless, she already anticipated it. Which meant that if something happened to Raven, she saw it coming and probably did not to stop it. That, or it has already been stopped and Arkadia was not informed.

Lexa is never calm unless she was winning.

Clarke’s breakfast churned in her stomach.

Why was she growing anxious about the prospect of Lexa finally playing her winning cards?

“You think I would put her in danger?” she heard her mom get up from her own seat, indignant and positively offended. “You think I had something to do with this?”

Clarke stared at Lexa who was still as unreadably calm as she is with everyone except her.

“This conversation would be a whole lot more pleasant if everyone just dropped their knives” Clarke said, surprised at how rough she sounded. This was not the breakfast she had been expecting when she woke up that morning.

No one budged.

“Mom!” she pleaded. “Hands on your side.”

Abby stared at her incredulously. It was a betrayal. Her own daughter asking her to be defenseless in a room full of people who were all ready to kill her.

“Please, mom.”

Abby shook her head, clearly disappointed at her but nonetheless, very slowly, dropped her hands to her side. Clarke turned to Lexa, who without needing any prompting, set the knife back down on the table. She waved her hand at Anya, who more hesitantly lowered her knife.

“Okay” Clarke breathed. “Thank you.”

“I didn’t have Raven attacked” Abby said, the disgust in her voice unaltered.

“You or me, Chancellor” Lexa barely shrugged, her voice barely a ghost. “And considering she is within my territory—“

“Be careful, Commander. You are accusing me of attacking one of my own!”

“I have people there too.”

“Well, we all know what you're capable of sacrificing” Abby spat her own brand of accusation.

Anya fumed by the side, her radio on rapid static. Clarke could hear her satellite phone transmitting and her cell phone buzzing. They were all louder than Lexa’s breath.

“Why would I want to kill Raven?” Lexa mused.

“And why would I?” Abby fired back.

“Honestly, Chancellor. Ask yourself again which of us have been wronged in the last couple of days by Raven’s rather flexible loyalty.”

Abby slammed her hand on the table, coffee and juice spilling on the immaculate cloth. Clarke saw it once more – the same look her mother had on when she was speaking of her worries about her and Lexa’s relationship. It was an intensity she did not know her mother was capable of having. She had always known she got her reserved brand of confidence from her and her feistiness from her father.

Yet here was Abby, all but a glowing ball of fury.

Despite herself, Clarke thought that this suits her mother better. As much as it was a recipe for a blown-out conflict, it was almost the most sincere she has ever appeared to her daughter. This was probably the most honest version of the Chancellor of Arkadia that Clarke has ever seen.

Anya raised her knife again and Clarke finally stood between them. She gave Anya a look of warning. If she wanted to kill her mother, she would have to go through her first. There has to be some sort punishment for aiming a weapon at a Head of State. This was becoming less ridiculous and more outrageous.

“She’s like a daughter to me!” Abby roared. Clarke saw Lexa’s guards from outside start to creep it. Clearly, they have never been on the receiving end of a mother’s rage. “How dare you even suggest that?!”

“Lexa” Clarke spoke, reaching over to tap her girlfriend on the shoulder. “It can't be my mom. Listen to yourself. It's outrageous! Can we just go and make sure she’s okay?”

“Five people know about this” Lexa replied logically.

She was no longer as emotionless as she had been the past minute but there was still something about the coolness of her tone that caged something dangerous. Her eyes were practically shielded in shadows when she started enumerating her point with small haste.

“Raven. Your mother. You and me. Anya, who is fuming right now. And we both know it can't be either of us.”

“Hang on a minute” Abby interjected, now in a full on offensive stance. “How do I know this is not an act from either of you and you just want a convenient excuse to hide more intel from me?”

It was a valid point. Clarke slowly shifted her gaze from her mother to her girlfriend who looked like she did have an answer prepared for this question. Only she was not the one who spoke up.

“I’m in-love with her, Chancellor.”

Every pair of eyes in the room turned to Anya. She was the complete opposite of how regal and unshakeable Lexa looked. She was neither calm nor confident nor poised to be analytical about the ordeal they have. She did not even look like she was capable of getting to the truth of this situation. She wanted a solution, she wanted someone to blame. She wanted action. And as her heightened frustration and irrefutable judgment seeped through the cloud of uncharacteristic show of emotions, no one could have missed the most important thing she was conveying.

Candor.

Clarke remembered the conversation she had with Raven back at the containment unit. Raven had confessed to not having told Anya exactly how she felt. She, technically, did not tell Clarke too but they both know it. And from the looks of it at the moment, Anya is fully aware of where she and Raven stood.

And she was more than just aware of her own feelings.

She was lustrous with certitude.

“Like I said” Lexa gave a curt and almost awkward nod at no one in particular. Her eyes blazed with a harsh frostiness as she turned back to Abby. “You. Anya. Clarke. And myself.”

“And where were you, Commander? I seem to recall you had a trip outside the tower last night” Abby countered.

“Clarke?” Lexa smirked at her girlfriend’s direction and completely ignoring the Chancellor. “I believe we can be damn sure it is neither of us.”

Abby’s eyes sought out Clarke for what that meant. Clarke bit her lips and her mother instantly knew that it was confirmation that she had spent the night and morning with Lexa.

“I didn’t order anything regarding Raven” Abby defended herself. ” She is your best friend, she is one of my prized apprentices, she is a daughter to me! You were with me my entire stay here. And it has never been my policy to-“

Abby’s words we cut off as a loud explosion sent Clarke’s head spinning. She felt the floor beneath her quake and just as she reached out to steady herself on the table, Lexa’s arms were already wrapped around her. Before she could make sense of what was going on, the ground shook again, this time stronger and harsher. She heard Lexa cuss in a voice she has never heard her use before.

Clarke followed her out the balcony and they both gasped when they found smoke at the direction of the city gates.

Smoke darker than storm clouds were starting to fill up the horizon. She willed herself to look away and instead focus on Lexa who seemed to have completely checked out of where they were standing. Clarke could practically follow her girlfriend’s thoughts. Lexa was no longer in the tower. She was somewhere beyond the gates, ordering her soldiers to get in position, as she masterfully enact a counterattack at every single person not wearing her colors.

Clarke was about to call out to her when she saw it --- a plane charging straight at the balcony. Like it knew that was where they stood.

Like it knew she was there.

Or that Lexa was probably waiting for it.

There was nowhere to run. And even if it was, there was no way they would make it out in time. They could jump but they were at least 50 or 60 stories up. They would never make it out alive.

Clarke did the only thing she knew she could do.

She was not dying anywhere but in Lexa’s arm.

Clarke pulled Lexa into an embrace, bringing her down the ground.

She waited.

Ear-splitting explosions. Boom after boom. The ground kept quaking in intervals of barrage of blasts coming from everywhere. The air smelled like ash and gun powder and burnt skin.

She tightened her grip around Lexa’s body.

“Babe”

Clarke blinked at the girlfriend she had pinned to the ground.

Lexa was frowning at her, alive, uninjured and looking half-annoyed, half-amused at their current situation. Clarke turned her neck to find that her mother, a few steps behind them, had dropped to the ground at the sight of a fighter jet zooming towards them. Anya stood in alert next to her, hand guns out but eyes still deadest at where the smoke was coming from.

“Babe?” Lexa called for her attention again.

Clarke’s eyes widened at her and at the realization that they were still very much alive.

“You only call me that when—“

“—when I am unhappy or when I have bad news” Lexa smiled darkly. “Did you miss it? The bad news? It was aimed at us.”

“How did it--?”

“When I told you that this Tower is the safest place in the world, I was not exaggerating.”

“The force field!” Clarke remembered. “It worked!”

Anya’s footsteps came hurriedly beside them and she helped the both of them to their feet.

“Of course it does” she said, giving her Commander quick assessment. “We need to get there now.”

“Tell Indra to secure the tower” Lexa ordered with a nod. “No one goes in or out. Get our supplies and prepare Clarke’s route.”

Clarke head was still ringing with a rain of chaos when she heard Anya radio Indra with instructions. She reached for her girlfriend but Lexa was already rummaging through a secret compartment neatly concealed in the walls around their breakfast table. She watched as Anya walked over to Lexa and helped her pull out two sets of steel-cased backpacks.

Anya helped Lexa put on hers, making sure that the belt is secured before Lexa returned the favor. Clarke had to urge her blurry vision to focus on what her girlfriend was armed with.

Lexa wasn’t. There was not a single weapon in the pack. She was even removing her guns and handing them to one of her guards.

“What--?” Clarke managed to stammer when Lexa kissed her on the cheek before looking towards the balcony.

“Keep safe”

“Says the girl going to battle with nothing but a back pack.”

Lexa was already in her Commander mode: calm, focused…sure. She barely flinched when Luna entered the room, heavily armed with what appeared to be twice the unit size that usually follows her around to guard Clarke.

“They’re at the gates” she announced, stopping just a few steps away from Lexa and giving her a curt bow.

“Find Octavia—“

“Good morning, everyone. I come bearing gifts of an escape route to the bunkers” Octavia said in a faux cheery voice as she made her own entrance, marching at steady but urgent pace, with her own set of soldiers and own set of armory. Clarke hated that in this scenario, everyone looked ready for battle. Except Lexa. “Indra has the tower, Commander. You are free to---uh, soar, I think was the word she used.”

Lexa nodded unceremoniously. She gave one more look at Clarke, telling her wordless to be safe. Clarke barely opened her mouth to ask what was going on when Lexa, ran towards the balcony, launched off of it into a free fall, with Anya following suit in seconds.

Clarke ran after her girlfriend, screaming her name. Octavia had to restrain her from going over the rails of the balcony. She screamed out for Lexa again, expecting to see but a spot of blood below. Instead she saw her soar.

With actual metal wings, like a robotic angel.

“She’s flying there” Octavia whispered in awe of the sight. “And I’m supposed to get you to safety.”

Clarke nodded, eyes still fixed on the two sets of silvery wings heading off to where the explosions are.

It was surreal.

Lexa blurred from being a political powerhouse, the Commander of Blood into an Warrior Angel soaring through the flames of hell. It was a lifesaving sentiment – to think that the woman she loves plunged into highly possible imminent death to destroy the forces of evil.

Naïve. Archaic thoughts. But it was enough to calm Clarke down, knowing that this sacrifice was for good.

She breathed slowly and allowed a rather patient Octavia to guide her out of the room.

After their first turn out of the arch, they were approached by masked Polis guards, guns alarmingly pointed at them. Octavia and Luna swiftly stepped in front of Clarke and the guards ahead of them shot their accosters without warning.

“Infiltration” Octavia muttered, kicking off the masks from the dead body. “They’re not our men.”

Clarke nodded, not even surprised that she…wasn’t surprised. Sheasked if they could make a quick pass by her old bedroom, silently hushing to her best friend that there was something of importance there. She needed to make sure that her father's journal would not fall in anyone else's hands. Octavia and Luna debated over it in the most intense and quiet ten seconds Clarke has ever counted. Octavia finally sighed and gave way to Luna, saying that they both had clear orders.

They go straight to safety.

Two sets of teams rushed her to the stairs, stating emphatically that it wasn't safe to use anything electronic right now. Luna pointed out that technically, it was protocol not to use the elevators until they have a clear assessment of the threat. Octavia muttered that she knew this already. She just needed a less worrying explanation for her best friend.

Clarke made no debates.

Octavia was a completely different person. She did not look like someone you questioned. She was dignified and sure in her hold of new authority. Her unit was in sync, barely needing any sort of verbal instructions. Both the soldiers from Indra's unit who are now under her command and the Arkadian security team who used to be subordinates of Bellamy worked seamlessly. They all know where to stand, what to do, which responsibility was theirs and impressively, when to move. Clarke wondered how she could have missed this kind of progress then she remembered that she had spent the last week drenched in worrying over Lexa that she had zoned out.

Octavia basically had been running everything. Her office. Her security. Even her, on some mornings.

As they hurriedly made their way down never-ending staircases, Clarke reached over and squeezed Octavia's forearm.

Thank you.

Octavia smirked. She didn't need it. But it was one of the many reasons why she loved Clarke. Even more than her own life.

They reached the basement levels in a blur. Clarke could tell that there was utter mayhem outside. Car after car were pulling out of driveways she hadn't even noticed before. The exits were almost concealed by smog and gunfire.

Holy shit. Polis really was under attack.

Before she could pinch herself to accept the fact that this was happening, they came at a standstill. From the corner of her eye, she could see familiar faces being moved by Arkadian soldiers. She turned to Octavia in some sort of confusion. Octavia blinked at her, a reflection of the empathic sentiment.

"Your staff are being moved with your mom" she whispered urgently. "Arkadian protocol."

"What's the problem?"

Clarke turned quickly when she heard the sound of guns being cocked and Luna's firm command to hold fire. Luna's entire team was focused on the elevator doors, the number on the screen indicating that there were occupants making their way towards them. Luna hissed for Octavia to hurry up.

"I have different orders for you."

Clarke processed what she just heard.

It made sense. When she met her mother's eyes, she knew that her mom did not like it. But she was in on it. They can't both be holed up in the same secured facility. As of their knowledge, they were the only two people who could decode her late father's journal. Lexa even said she found nothing useful there. Should Polis fall today, or should whoever was making their way down the elevator get through the wall of soldiers and bodyguards literally putting their lives out as shields, it was imperative that her or her mom survive.

At least one of them must make it.

Clarke did not question it. She spotted Bellamy among the soldiers under Octavia's command. She gave him an imposing look. His shoulders may have slumped but he immediately understood. She was telling him to watch out for her mother.

There may be fractured trusts going all around but she was not her ready to sever ties with lifelong friends.

Bellamy gave his sister a quick hug then ran after Abby's retreating group.

Clarke forced herself to smile at her mom, unknowingly giving her a rather casual wave as Luna barked for them to get a move on. None of them needed telling twice. Clarke jogged alongside Octavia, hoping that the steel tunnel was enough to mask her growing fear. She ignored the sinking feeling that when she nodded a goodbye to her mom, there was a chance that it was the last look they will ever share. She ignored the twisting knots inside her screaming that they shouldn't separate. She ignored the nagging child within her throwing a tantrum for her mom.

She had to silence every whisper that she needed anyone right now. It was a lie, of course.

It all dawned on her. They were foreigners in a land they knew very little about. They were two important political figures literally caught in the crossfire of the longest, most bitter war of all. They were a mother and daughter separated at a time when families should stick together They needed each other. She needed her mom.

She needed to feel like she was not alone.

But that was what she was.

As soon as Luna and Octavia locked them inside a safe room, Clarke realized that she was alone.

Sure. She was alone with her best friend.

She was alone with eight other people inside a fully-stacked, well-armed panic room.

She was alone with at least ten more soldiers outside.

She looked around the thick, suffocating metal-walled safe room they were in. She knew weapons lined the walls. She knew there was more in the back. She tapped the floor slightly and could immediately tell which portion was hollow. More guns, maybe food, maybe bombs were beneath them.

Weapons not windows.

Walls and not a way out.

She wasn’t in a safe. She was safe.

Octavia set her rifle down on the table at the center of the room. She nodded at two of her soldiers and they disappeared behind a small concealed corridor. Clarke asked what was behind that wall and Octavia hesitated.

"Chambers" Luna spoke up for her. "They lead to tunnels well underground."

"A secondary escape plan? To where?"

Octavia and Luna exchanged a look which Clarke somehow understood. If they were ever to use this route, they might not resurface to much of anything.

"I need a pen and paper" she said quickly, her brain suddenly getting a jumpstart she didn't think was possible after the adrenaline rush they had all been subjected to.

When one of the soldiers handed her a wad of paper and pen, she started scribbling down every key factor she can remember from her father's journal. After Octavia and Luna deemed the room safe and their protocol still in order, Clarke relaxed a little but didn't stop writing. She drew up the rough sketches her dad made and just as she was putting in the final touches, she realized that she wasn't recreating images from her father's notes.

She was drawing from memory.

Octavia peeked over her shoulder and commented that she certainly changed her art subjects.

"I'm gonna need you to remember what this looks like" Clarke hushed for only her best friend to hear.

She eyed the soldiers around her. Luna was intent on the door, probably listening to any hint of what was going on outside. Everyone else were focused on their mark -- walls, ceiling, an exit Clarke has yet to see.

Her.

Clarke was never made for the attention-seeking lifestyle. When people she doesn't know stare longer than necessary, it always sends her on the edge. Over the years, she has found that her art was a good deflection, as she learned that there were ways she could keep her anxiety down. Lately, she has managed to wield all this attention to her advantage. One might even venture into saying that she had been milking the hell out if it.

But in this steel-barred, operating room scented, claustrophobic's nightmare of a bunker, she had nothing going for her.

Two pairs of eyes were literally just glued to her.

Octavia must have noticed because she dismissed them immediately. Sending them to the corner to wait by the satellite phone.

"You're safe" she promised Clarke, not once looking away from her.

"We're safe."

"Maybe not from each other."

"What do you mean?"

"Last time we were cooked up like this was freshmen year in college. The dorm was on lockdown because some idiot broke in on pledge week. Remember what happened?"

Clarke snickered at the memory.

"We fought over the last batch of beef jerky because neither of us had lunch or dinner that day" she recounted.

Octavia's smile was serene, the nostalgia so removed from the heightened hysteria in the air.

"You gave it to me. Then we fought because you wouldn't take it back."

Clarke rolled her eyes and shrugged. She knew Octavia had a tougher day than her at that time. She had too much on her plate, trying to keep her scholarship while still trying to bulk up her credentials to win Indra's apprenticeship. Aside from that, she barely left Clarke's side as they both tried to fit in a university that honored academics over any form of art.

She met her best friend's eyes and regarded her with a stern look.

Clarke knew that, as it was then, Octavia must have had a tougher morning. She didn't even know if she had been with Lincoln since they both returned.

"You're planning something quite different from plans I'm operating on, aren't you?"

Clarke nodded and tilted her head to the side. She wanted privacy that didn't seem possible at the moment. Octavia led them to the back wall where two guards were stationed. They shared hesitation before finally obliging their superior by taking their leave, just a few paces away.

"Just whisper" Octavia said casually, effectively throwing off the soldiers who were eyeing them warily.

Clarke opened her mouth to speak, her first words being drowned out by the single sound of a robust bang. Unlike before, however, the ground didn't shake. Neither did the ceiling threaten to fall over them. The lights in the room flickered which would not even have been a big deal if the soldiers didn't point their guns at every blinking bulb. Sirens from above echoed on and on in alarm.

"Elevators" Luna said.

Clarke chose not to ask for further details. She had to trust that her mother, their staff and the other Arkadians were well taken care of. And she knew that Lexa would not have left her in anything other than an actual assurance of survival. So she erased every other concern in her mind and pulled at Octavia urgently.

Octavia listened to whispers of what she was sure she barely understood. She didn't even know why the heck was Clarke explaining shit like she was in a sprint. They weren't getting out of there anytime soon. Clarke seemed to have caught on to her confusion and stopped mid-point.

"Luna will very likely put herself in front of a nuclear bomb for me" she said in the softest of whisper.

"So will I, Princess."

"No. You and I need to be smart about this. I trust her. I trust everyone in this room to die for me, for this war. But none of them are you. I need you to stay alive and I need you to do this for me."

"Clarke--"

"O, listen. You're the only one who can get this information to Raven. You're the only person here who can make sense of everything I have written down. And I don't trust anyone else to do this, do you understand?"

"What exactly..?"

Clarke pulled Octavia into a hug and whispered the most important theory she was working on. There was no way to prove it just yet. But if they run out of time, Octavia will just have to do what she was asking.

When they pulled apart, Clarke noted that Luna was staring at them. She was sure that she did didn't hear because if she did, there would be more of a reaction than just a mere twitch on the eyebrow. That twitch was enough for her to know that the minute they get out of here, Lexa will get a report that Clarke whispered valuable information to Octavia.

"Promise me" Clarke asked quietly.

Octavia nodded but her eyes were protesting. It was an absurd idea. There was no way Jake would ever willingly put Clarke in this much danger. Then Clarke started whispering again why this was the only thing she can think of that made sense.

Jake knew about the legend.

He made a gamble. He had plans to visit Polis. He was working on fast-tracking fate.

He literally wrote down that he was sure Lexa would fall for Clarke.

He put a date in his last entry.

New Year's Eve.

He had predicted that Clarke would be spending time in Polis this year.

Of course he would put in codes that no one else could figure out, control and even manipulate. He put in a set of commands that only Clarke would have access to, knowing that Clarke would have access to and within Polis by now.

And knowing that if Clarke died, no one would be able to stop this bomb from blowing off. Unless she figured out a way to make sure that what was only meant for her would find a way to live on after. This was a drastic plan but they were at war. And Octavia had already proven herself to be quite the warrior. More importantly, she knew Clarke better than anyone.

"That is fucking ridiculous" Octavia hissed.

Clarke could tell that she was already warming up to the theory whispered in her ear. That was why she was pissed. And why two minutes later, when they had found their corners in that bunker, she tapped Clarke's elbow and nodded solemnly.

"I got you, Princess"

Clarke dropped her head on Octavia's shoulders and tried to drown out the occasional explosive soundtrack playing somewhere above them. At some point, one of them must have wondered out loud if the chaos was still outside.

It felt everywhere.

Six hours.

They were under the bunker for over six hours now and there was no indication that things upstairs had come to halt. Worse, still there was nothing to gauge the kind of damage they would be met with, should they ever get out of there. Octavia was muttering something to herself, almost like a chant to keep her focus in check. When asked what she was doing, she said she was isolating the problem. She started replaying the last 24 hours.

Clarke listened to the words she could make out. There weren't many much but from what Octavia was willing to whisper a little louder, the issue was she could not remember a detail. A small detail that she should have been able to weed out even before she left with Indra for her mission. When she started enumerating names, Clarke felt her alarm.

"What is it, O?"

"I'm not sure..."

Octavia got up from their spot and walked over to Luna. She whispered a name and Luna raised an eyebrow.

"Impossible."

Octavia shook her head and repeated the list of names she had been trying to make sense of. It was the most logical explanation she could come up with. In fact, it was the only one available. It was so plain and so simple that no one should have missed it. It was right in front of them which is probably why they did miss it.

"It has to be him" Octavia pressed. She threw Clarke a glance and with Luna's subtle nod of permission proceeded to tell her about a non-uniformed guard that she now suspected was a leak.

Non-uniformed guards were not under either of their command. They come straight from the in-house security team of the tower. They report straight to Indra. And just before leaving for her mission, Indra left someone else in charge. Luna refused to believe that Indra would overlook a spy in her own unit. Octavia said she would normally tend to agree, except that it was not Indra who handpicked this officer. In fact, she didn't because they had to leave right away.

"If that is true, then we cannot proceed to the next phase of this exit" Luna concluded. She reached for the radio by her shoulder to make adjustments then stopped herself.

New protocol was clear about not trusting communication channels. She sighed then signalled for two soldiers to open the door.

"Five minutes, three distinct knocks" she told Octavia. "Anything under or outside of that time, do not open."

They opened the door with a rather gigantic effort and when it shut closed again, Clarke was reminded how removed they were from the world. She asked Octavia if she could smell the carnage from above. Mixture of dirt, sulfur, potassium chloride, a handful of gasses she could not name mixed with steel and concrete.

And rain.

Only in Polis would it rain in the middle of an assault.

Octavia said they shouldn't have to smell any traces of the explosion above. This room was supposed to shield them from everything, not just people. She voiced her concern that they were supposed to be safe from any kind of poison. If they could smell traces of the spoils from way up the ground, they were not as secured as they think. That was when Clarke pointed out a nagging theory she had swirling inside her since she heard Octavia's suspicions.

What if they weren't getting these traces from above ground? What if who they were running from were actually close now?

Octavia never got to answer as Luna's three distinct knocks came on the door. Five minutes on the dot. She came back in with guns at ready announcing that Octavia was right. And they were "seemingly boxed in."

"Can we take them down?" Octavia asked as she readied her rifle and handed Clarke one of her spares.

"Of course."

Clarke looked down at the gun in her hand. Apparently, she was to be a killer again in a couple of minutes.

They heard the first round of gunfire less than a minute later.

Because they were not sure how deep this treachery ran, they could not take the back corridor tunnels. So they will have to plow through the assault team coming for them. Octavia stayed by Clarke, half concealing her left side, joking that she always did have to protect Clarke's heart. Luna stood in front of them, body already poised to be her last layer of protection. The soldiers in the room stood firm as they kept the three of them secured in V shaped formation.

Clarke breathed.

Isolated. Alone. Unsafe.

Unafraid.

Somehow, she was not scared for her life. She had bigger concerns. She tried to meet Octavia's eyes to reaffirm the vow she took a few hours ago. But before she could even twist her head, the other member of their security team, their advance scouts, were in retreat, still firing heavy gunshots at whoever had come for them.

Bleeding badly, they came in the room, dropped to the ground and aimed their guns at the door. They were going to die fighting. They were going to die with fingers at the trigger, eyes straight at the enemy and spirits true to their flag.

God damn it. They were going to die.

The gunfire stopped.

"Hold fire" Octavia's voice cut off the uniformed breaths they all shared.

Luna hissed.

"We're gonna have to see his face if we want answers."

They heard footsteps. Octavia muttered "six." They outnumber whoever was coming for them but by how slow their pace was, it was an easy guess that they brought heavy artillery. For all they know, they could be the bombs themselves.

The man, eyes scarred, forehead bleeding and not a hair out of place, came into view at the doorway.

Clarke recognized him right away.

At the night of the Summit Ball, he stood close to both her and Lexa. Closer than he was right now.

He smirked, raised his hand and revealed a trigger to an unknown bomb.

Clarke saw something change in the body shielding her.

Beat.

One. Two. Three.

Luna was supposed to fire now.

_She should have fired by now._

Octavia inhaled sharply. An inaudible and barely felt breath of resolve. A silent gush of love for her best friend. A swift embrace of her duty.

Beat.

She fired a single shot, straight at the man's forehead.

He smiled, eyes riding the ecstasy of owned victory.

That was when Luna unfroze and she yelled open fire before shooting a hail of bullets at the charging men behind the dead traitor.

Then the scene before Clarke’s eyes played out in a single, half a millisecond, fast-forward, well-rehearsed, creatively timed and no-room-for-error sequence. Octavia tapped Luna on the shoulder. Luna dove to the ground in time to catch the trigger falling off the dead man's hand. Her eyes widened when she realized that every single body of their enemies now laying on the ground were rigged.

Of course charging for the Chancellor's Daughter was a suicide mission.

Two soldiers ran down the hall to see if they should be expecting more. Luna locked eyes with Octavia. It was a plea and a command for them to leave her behind. The minute she lets go of the trigger, they all explode. She cannot take it with them because it was wired to the body of their traitor. To Clarke's surprise, Octavia agreed without so much a blink of the eye.

"Lieutenant, I can hold it off until you reach safer levels"

They all turned at one of their scouts, already wounded from the initial round of gunfire. He tilted his head to show how badly injured he was. It was only a matter of time until he bleeds out. He was not in any position to travel with them. The man next to him said he will stay behind too. He took his hand off the side of his stomach. Clarke knew he probably only had a few minutes on him too.

Octavia nodded. She ordered a series of coded commands and the rest of their team moved to secure their escape route.

"Hey, Princess? You know how you've always had steadier hands than me?" she asked when after she assessed the situation. “You know those surgeon-to-be hands?”

Clarke nodded. She bent down slowly and examined Luna's grip on the trigger.

"I can do it" she said surely.

She placed her hand over Luna's.

Beat.

She could feel Luna's eyes on her. She did not have it in her to meet them.

"On the count of three" she told her, thumb steadier than her pulse.

One. Two. Three.

Clarke felt the weight of the button fighting against her thumb. She turned to the soldiers who have volunteered for the job. They inched closer to her. Their eyes, Clarke knew she had to meet. They locked gazes for as long as they heard the clear from Octavia.

When their clear passage was sure, Clarke carefully brought the trigger closer to the soldier. He promised her that he had enough strength to keep pressure on the trigger. Only a Polis soldier would put pressure on a bomb instead of on his fatal wounds.

A soldier of Polis.

Chiron.

He said his name was Chiron and Clarke almost teared up at the irony of it.

"Thank you. And I am sorry" she said. "I am sorry to you both."

"It has been an honor, Ambassador" the other one, Percival, said. "Please be safe."

Clarke set her face at them, a promise that she will try not to die anytime soon. And the most silent thank you she can ever convey to men who volunteered to die for her.

Octavia said they should get moving so Clarke gave the same command as she did earlier with Luna.

One. Two. Three.

The trigger was no longer in her hand and soon enough, she was being ushered down the hallway with bodies and bullets littered at their feet.

They made it all the way to the end of the tunnels when Luna halted again. Octavia didn’t wait for any command or assessment, she threw a smoke bomb and their remaining men rained bullets at the figures who emerged behind the fog. One of their remaining scouts checked the bodies. No bombs but definitely no allies there either. Luna urged them to keep moving, through the dark. Whatever was going on upstairs, the lights are officially out.

That was not Clarke’s concern. She could tell that all of them were already having trouble breathing. The oxygen supply in the tunnels were cut off too. Octavia must have read her mind because while Luna and one of her men pried open another concealed exit through an unassuming wall, she promised that she had a spare oxygen tank.

“Is there anything you haven’t thought of?” Clarke tried to joke. She could see Octavia’s proud smirk as they climbed up the walls.

There was nothing but ladder rungs and darkness. Two scouts went up first. Luna then Clarke. Octavia and their men trailed them. Clarke counted the rungs. By the time their scouts reached a landing, she was 480. So maybe they were 4 floors up? Or eight? She waited until the door blocking the landing was opened and the scouts cleared their safety. They were again met with an endless hallway. This one a little too familiar.

Clarke didn’t have to wonder where she was.

She was there just a few nights ago. Only then, it wasn’t empty. It was laced with blood and death. She tried to whisper this to Octavia but they heard footsteps. Luna cursed. There was nowhere to hide. If they retreated down the wall again, they would still be trapped. Besides, their rear guard just shut that exit.

“Try not to choke this time” Octavia muttered, positioning her aim at their approaching guests.

Luna glared at her, mouth poised to explain herself. She thought better of it when the footsteps grew louder. They held their ground.

Eerie silence contrasted with echoing footsteps.

Clarke gripped the gun in her hand.

“Something is not right” Luna whispered, her eyes squinting in the dark.

“You just figured this out?” Octavia hissed.

Clarke wanted to shut both of them up but before she could, Luna lowered her gun against Octavia’s protest. The soldiers around them suddenly seem divided on what to do next. Half of them relaxed, the other half stood frozen, guns still ready to fire.

“Footsteps are too loud” Luna explained.

This had bothered Clarke a few seconds ago too. There was something different about this group approaching them. They were definitely not a stealth team. They were definitely not trying to hide the fact that they were coming. If anything, they wanted their presence known. They want them to know that they were close.

That they were… here.

Clarke gasped recognizing the silhouette that appeared at the end of the hall.

Octavia dropped her gun and ran straight at the lone figure.

Strong. Silent. Winged.

Another angel sent to come get them.

“You’re bleeding” Octavia said, their hug lasting of the briefest of seconds.

Lincoln shrugged, his eyes quickly studying her before assessing the entire situation. He sighed before nodding at the soldiers. Somehow, they understood whatever order that was they continued moving on, meeting with the men Lincoln came with.

“Is it…over?” Clarke asked, knowing that it was rather dumb.

Lincoln nodded again.

“She is waiting for you.”

“Is she okay?”

Lincoln nodded once more, only this time, more somberly.

Clarke could have ran all the way to wherever Lexa was. But as soon as they made their way out of the empty hallway, they were met with more soldiers, more dead bodies on the ground and…a scent so vile that it was enough to make her breathe heavily again. They finally made their way to the surprisingly still intact private medical wing.

Lexa was sitting on a gurney, surrounded by a team of Arkadian doctors. Abby was there, leading the charge on examining her. As soon as Clarke walked in, her mother dropped whatever she was reading and enveloped her in her arms.

Clarke felt the tears rush down her eyes.

She was sure she wouldn’t see her mom again.

“You’re okay” Abby kept repeating and all Clarke could do was nod as she sobbed on her mother’s shoulder.

When she finally allowed herself to be free of her mom’s embrace, she walked slowly towards Lexa.

“Hi” she croaked.

Lexa smirked at her, her lips trembling.

Anya cleared her throat and the team of doctors cleared out.

“Commander, I will check on Raven next door”

Abby was the last to follow Anya out.

Clarke kissed Lexa the instant the glass door shut.

“You’re hurt” she murmured against the corner of Lexa’s cut mouth.

"You should see the other guy."

"I think seeing my girlfriend jump off a building and come back with stitched eyebrow, busted lip and quite visibly pale from the blood she lost from…” Clarke trailed her fingers down Lexa’s left shoulder blade and when her girlfriend winced tapped the newly bandaged wound. “…what is it, bullet? Blade?”

“Burn.”

“Ah. Yes, point is, I think I have seen enough of anything right now”

Lexa nodded. She slowly raised her hand and pushed back the stray hair from Clarke’s face before pulling her in for another kiss.

Clarke felt herself truly relaxing. She was exhausted. She knew everything about her had taken a beating but as scared as she was this entire day and as relieved as she was to be in her mother’s arms, nothing would ever beat the comfort of the home she has in Lexa’s arms.

“You’re shaking” she murmured when their kiss broke.

Lexa nodded and pulled her closer for a loose hug.

Clarke knew that Lexa didn’t seek the physical contact nor the intimacy of an embrace. She just wanted Clarke close. She wanted the assurance that they were both there. She wanted…stability.

And security.

Lexa kissed her again and Clarke knew. She wanted to feel a little less alone.

They stayed like that, sitting side by side on a hospital bed, their fingers loosely intertwined, knees just grazing the surface of the other and Lexa resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder after a minute or so. They didn’t talk. They didn’t have to. Clarke could tell that Lexa needed the silence. And she…well, she just needed everything to halt for a second longer.

Lexa cleared her throat a little too soon.

“Back to work?” Clarke tried to smile supportively at her. “You won’t mind if I tagged along?”

“You need to rest.”

“Lexa, I’ve been cooped up in a bunker. You’re injured and going back to work. I’m going too.”

Lexa slowly jumped off the bed and studied her.

“You do not have clearance for the War Room.”

“I’ll wait outside.”

“Clarke-“

“Lexa.”

“Clarke—“

“I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

Lexa sighed and didn’t say anything else. She offered a hand and they walked out of the room in silence. Abby was waiting outside and so was Anya. The four of them made it all the way to the War Room without uttering a single word. Lexa gave her one quick look, asking if she really was okay waiting outside.

Clarke smiled at her.

It was, of course, a lie.

They both knew it but neither of them were in any position to alter the status quo. Clarke wasn’t allowed inside because she could still compromise the national security of Polis. Lexa was not about to make drastic changes in the already faltering system. Abby was still hell-bent to keep Clarke the farthest from the fighting even if the only reason she was even allowed access inside was because of her daughter’s behind-the-scenes work.

Anya was not in the mood to be generous with her trust. She was still fuming about Raven being bombed and when she followed Lexa inside, she didn’t bother hiding the toxic regard she threw at the Commander.

Clarke stayed true to her word and she waited in the hall outside the War Room. A few minutes later, Octavia came by, escorting Raven.

“Wait, you get to go in?” Clarke tried to sound like she was offended as she hugged her friend. “How come you get to go in?”

“I got bombed, Princess” Raven joked, trying to ignore the fact that she had a huge bandage on one side of her forehead.

“I got bombed too, you know. Once. And kidnapped.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and gently pushed Raven inside the War Room.

“I’m not allowed in too” she muttered as she slumped next to her best friend.

“How’s Lincoln?”

“Mad.”

“Yeah. That’s going around”

Octavia dug inside her coat and handed Clarke the sketches she made while they were being kept in the bunker.

“Keep them” Clarke said. “We don’t know when you’re gonna need them.”

“I’d really much rather that I never get to need them.”

Clarke sighed. She gave Octavia’s clenched knuckles a soft squeeze. It didn’t take a genius to realize just how angry she was too. She could have lost her best friend, boyfriend and adoptive nation in one day. She could have died without giving her brother a proper goodbye. She could have lost everything except for the promise Clarke made her swear to.

A promise that too heavy for any other soul to bear.

“O—“

“If you’re going to apologize, save it”

“I was going to say thank you.”

“You can save that too” Octavia smirked. “Roles reversed, there was nothing you would have done differently.”

“You kick ass, Octavia Blake” Clarke mused.

Octavia chuckled before pulling Clarke in for a proper hug.

“Thanks for not dying today, Princess”

Clarke laughed a little too loudly and when the doors open, she thought she was about to be scolded. Lexa stepped out with a curious look aimed at them. She didn’t ask or say anything. She gave Octavia an approving nod which Octavia immediately understood as being officially dismissed from today’s duty.

“Catch you kids later” she said, giving Clarke another hug before practically skipping off.

Lexa tilted her head invitingly and Clarke followed her back to their room. She sat on the bed and explained in detail what happened. She didn’t apologize for not letting Clarke in on the fact that she had the means to fly away. She didn’t even acknowledge what kind of freak out she had caused her girlfriend. That was okay. Clarke found herself not caring about these details anymore. She realized in an instant she didn’t care how Lexa leaves or comes back. As long as she does. Alive.

Clarke had frozen by the door when Lexa started talking. She stayed there the entire time. From how Lexa flew past the main gates, the deep forestland that bordered the capital of Polis, the hundreds of villages which were burning. She stayed silent even when Lexa confessed that the minute she was out of Trikru Tower’s airspace, there was a very good possibility that she could be shot down in an instant. And the fact that there was a chance that she wouldn’t be able to come back in because of the forcefield’s reinforcement.

She was not concerned about her safety. She needed to fly to the island.

Her island.

She needed to make sure that it was safe and unconquered. And when she and Anya landed and confirmed that there was no breach, she needed to fly to where Raven was.

Lincoln had beaten them to it. They needed to act quickly. They needed to transfer their “package” without attracting any attention and they needed to get Raven away from it as soon as possible. The bomb was one thing, the energy glowing from it was another. When a new BlackOps team had secured it, they made their way back to Polis.

They passed by the villages.

Lexa fought alongside her soldiers. Raven helped secure the civilians. But they couldn’t stay for too long. Their security was one thing, the threat of poison was another. They were met with a back up team Indra had sent. They were already near the main gates when the explosion happened. They must have missed the fact that they were already marked. Masked men had taken over the watch towers and aimed a grenade launcher at them.

It missed but barely.

“Hence the burn” Lexa said like it wasn’t a big deal.

“You look like you skipped a certain detail” Clarke said finally prying herself away from the door. She sat next to Lexa on the bed.

Lexa smiled wryly at her before digging into her pockets. She set a torn off patch between them.

“Azgedan?” Clarke asked as she examined the patch closely.

Lexa nodded then set another one on the same spot.

“Pike.” Clarke concluded, immediately recongnizing the symbol Pike had used to mark the men who were loyal to him.

Lexa closed her eyes like she was in pain and brought out a last patch.

“I don’t recognize it.”

“It’s a dissolved unit” Lexa explained. “From my father’s time as Commander”

Clarke gulped, fighting off the reflex to hug her girlfriend.

“He had them all killed, you know.”

“What?”

“My father had a whole unit killed for…for…betraying him.”

“Betraying him how?”

Lexa shook her head and Clarke understood that she wasn’t ready to share that just yet.

“I don’t have to know?”

“Not yet. Besides, it is not my secret to tell.”

Clarke allowed the uncertainty in the air to linger for a few more heartbeats before pulling herself up the bed. She patted the empty space beside her and Lexa followed, muttering that they were getting the sheets dirty. Clarke smirked. She didn’t care about that either. She finally embraced Lexa and just as her girlfriend’s head settled on her chest, she was met with a jolt of nerves.

Lexa must have felt it because she stiffened at the change of pace in Clarke’s heartbeats.

“What is it, love?”

“I think I figured my dad’s journal out”

Lexa nestled her head more firmly on Clarke’s chest and waited for the rest of the revelation. Clarke knew that it was her way of not pressuring her. It was a sign of courtesy by not putting her in a spot where she had to lie. It was Lexa’s way of showing her that she knew her too well now. If she wanted to share the information, she would have already. And the fact that she hasn’t, it was because she was still deciding whether she wanted to or not.

Either that or it was Lexa’s way of allowing Clarke to come up with a reasonable lie.

Clarke calmed her breaths. She too knew her girlfriend too well. This was her way of listening to the smallest of irregular beats in her chest. The minute she lies, Lexa would know.

“Not my secret to tell” Clarke said.

Lexa allowed it.

“I find it funny” she said, looking up with a shadow of a smile building behind her eyes. "Your use of my own words against me. Too funny."

Clarke almost forgot to breathe.

The light behind Lexa’s eyes will always be the most beautiful thing in the world. Rivalled only by the smiles exclusively meant for her. They have spent nights watching the moon rise, mornings when they would make love as though they were racing the rising sun and none of those views compare. Clarke had painted everything she thought was beautiful on the planet but the fact that she can never recreate the light in her girlfriend’s eye will always be a curse for her.

Lexa blinked a question at her, the smile’s shadow fading in the radiance of her soul.

Clarke shook her head. It was too cheesy even for her. She kissed Lexa’s forehead and promised it was nothing.

It was everything.

The light in Lexa’s eyes.

At the end of a crazy day, it was everything.

Clarke ran her fingers up and down her girlfriend’s spine until she was sure she had fallen asleep. She, on the other hand, could have begged for just a wink of sleep and the universe would still have deprived it of her. She wanted to spend the time being awake by reading her father’s notes once more. Maybe now that she was less worried about all of them dying, she could have a fresher perspective. She might have missed something. As much as the lure of this puzzle was strong, the yearning of her soul for her girlfriend’s touch was far too greater.

She stayed in bed, the sketches she made hours ago replaying in her head. She found herself retracing them on Lexa’s bare shoulder. Lexa would wince, sometimes shiver and even cough up a little bit her sleep but always would cuddle into Clarke closer then fall back into deep sleep.

Feeling her chest rise and fall was apparently the only spell Clarke needed to start drifting in and out of consciousness. It was still hours later that she had finally dozed off for a couple of minutes.

That was when Lexa’s coughing woke her up.

She blinked herself to consciousness in time to find Lexa sitting on the bed, fighting off a cough, her shoulders slumped from the effort.

“I’ll get you some water” Clarke said, kicking off the sheets.

“Babe..”

Clarke stopped on her tracks. She had never heard Lexa sound like this before. And she was sure she had heard pretty much every version of Lexa’s voice. She turned slowly, the marble floors too cold on her bare feet. She knew right away something was wrong. It wasn’t even the pet name. It was the shiver colder than floor. She blinked, her eyes adjusting in the dark. She saw the clock blinking by their bedside table.

1:13 A.M.

She counted back on how long she was in the bunker, how long until they came out, how long until Lincoln met them, how long the wait outside the War Room was.

How long were they asleep.

More importantly, how long since Lexa was last checked by doctors.

Not long enough ago.

It has less been less than 12 hours since she was possibly exposed to a form of poison. Less than 12 hours since the doctors monitored her.

12 hours was just a grace period.

It was the longest time the poison’s effect was recorded to have shown symptoms. Not enough time have passed to have pronounced Lexa completely safe from wherever she was.

Clarke stepped forward, her heart racing against the color fading from Lexa’s face. Her girlfriend’s lips were a ghastly white. Lexa covered her mouth with the blanket when she coughed again and Clarke saw it, almost taunting her in the darkness.

 Lexa was coughing up blood.

They both held their breaths, both staying still in the glow of shadows swirling around them.

When Lexa coughed again, Clarke saw the shadows rise.

The blood didn’t scare her. Lexa’s shivers unfazed her.

Nothing could have prepared her for the most horrific sight of all. A nightmare come true. A haunting so deep even hell would have screamed.

Clarke saw it.

And there was no way to recover from it.

She screamed. She screamed for help. She screamed her girlfriend’s name.

She screamed until she was sure she couldn’t hear her heart break anymore.

She saw it.

Clarke saw the light in Lexa’s eyes…die.

PART 3

 

Clarke heard herself scream. She heard herself crying out for Lexa as she caught her. She heard herself repeating Lexa’s name over and over again while she checked for a pulse. She was still screaming when the doors burst open and the guards rushed in.

“Doctors!” she ordered, her finger still on Lexa’s neck.

There was a pulse.

It wasn’t even weak. It was racing, like the body was working thrice as hard to stay alive.

“Stay with me, baby” she whispered into Lexa as the room was starting to fill up with people.

Lexa was burning up.

Clarke heard herself recite every pertinent detail to the doctors who finally arrived. It was a relief that half of them were Arkadian. Her heart sunk when she recognized the other half as some of the doctors who were tasked to work on weaponizing the antidote. She had combed through all their dossiers. If they were here instead of tending to the dozens of case studies of victims, if they were all but ready to come bursting in here, they must have seen this coming.

She climbed out of bed as they started examining Lexa. She demanded if they know what was going on and then she heard herself threaten to cut their heads off if they gave her another vague answer like “we’ll wait and see” or “we suspected something but we cannot be sure yet…”

Clarke heard the door shut somewhere far away.

Abby came into view.

“Clarke, you need to come with me”

“I’m not leaving her” she started to mount a speech of protest when she felt herself dizzy. Her mom was suddenly next to her, carefully placing an arm to support her weight. “What is going on, mom?”

“Lexa must have been exposed to a small whiff of the poison—“

“Poison isn’t air—“

“No, which is how she’s still alive” Abby said patiently as she guided Clarke out of the room.

“I’m not leaving her!”

“Clarke, you need to trust me. You can’t help here.”

“Mommy—Mom, I can’t leave her—I—Lexa!”

Abby hugged her, isolating her pleas from the rest of the room. She whispered to Clarke, telling her that it would be better if the doctors just had the space to do what they have to do. Clarke shook her head, still spewing reasons why she had to say. She didn’t have it in her to be aware that she probably declared her love for the Commander of Blood for everyone to hear.

Eventually, Abby stopped trying to drag her. The guards around them moved away. All that was left to hear were busy murmurs of the doctors. Clarke finally hugged her mother’s shoulders and sobbed. She wanted to fight, to push her away, to tell her that after all the progress they have made with Lexa, she still didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why Clarke had to stay.

“If we don’t treat you right away…you’re going to make matters worse here” Abby whispered into.

Clarke found herself suddenly too weak to even take a step.

“Do I have it?” she asked, her tears growing dry. She looked over her shoulder and saw Lexa on their bed, still…lifeless. “Mom—did I do that?”

“Was Lexa asleep before she started coughing up blood?”

Clarke nodded and immediately regretted the move. She was spinning again and she was sure that if they don’t stop moving, she was going to throw up her insides.

“We didn’t catch the symptoms because she was asleep” Abby said gently. “This is not your fault but you need to come with me now.”

Clarke finally allowed herself to be steered out of the room.

“Don’t worry, honey… We have it under control” her mom tried to comfort her when they were alone in the elevator. “We need to get you to quarantine. We need to contain this.”

“I saw---I saw her--- She was—She was gone, mom.”

“We’ll get her back”

“What does that mean?!”

Abby gave her a sad look. Clarke looked away, she stared at the numbers of floors they were passing. When they reached zero, Abby helped her step out, leading her to a series of secluded passages.

“I can’t breathe… Mom, wait.”

Clarke stopped walking and leaned on the nearest wall.

“You’re panicking” Abby soothed her.

“Oh gee, I wonder why is that?!”

“Clarke? You need to calm your heart or whatever you have been exposed to will poison you faster” Abby said calmly, wiping the sweat on her daughter’s face. “Let’s not make it easier for our enemies to kill us?”

Clarke exhaled sharply. She frowned at her mom. If they needed to put her in quarantine, that meant there was a possibility that the poison was infecting her mother right now. She spun around and realized that there was a lack of armed men around her. It was a site she had been praying for, not knowing how extra alone it would make her feel.

“Your team’s in isolation” Abby smiled at her. “I will be too. I just thought that since it was Lexa’s life on the line, you wouldn’t want to come with anyone else.”

“Right… Okay, let’s go… I think I can walk now.”

Clarke followed her mom down to where Raven was quarantined just a few days ago. She expected the “two bedroom suite” that Raven had called it but instead she was led into a different room. It still felt like an enlarged canister only this time it had four glass-walled rooms, with the adjacent ones being separated by a thick steel wall. She didn’t see who were there first except for Anya and Raven, in matching white pajamas, who were in the first compartment to her right.

The left one was empty.

“I’m guessing this is mine?” she asked her mom in slurred words. She knew her body. She was sure she was about to faint or puke…or both.

“Yes. But first we get behind that the door” Abby pointed to the door at the other end of the room.

Clarke found Octavia and Luna being holed up in the room adjacent to Raven’s and Anya’s. Lincoln was asleep in the room across of it. They were all dressed up in the same white outfit and Octavia muttered under her breath that these pajamas look a lot like straitjackets.

“Why is Lincoln not with Octavia..?”

“Different degrees of exposure” Octavia answered. “How are you feeling, Princess?”

“About as good as I look”

“Damn. My condolences” Octavia smirked, her eyes slightly unfocused.

“Don’t joke like that!” Raven and Anya chorused from the other room.

Clarke frowned at them. There was something very…odd about all her friends. They didn’t seem like themselves. Even Anya looked like she was out of it.

Abby gave Octavia a warning glance before shutting the door behind them. Another team of doctors were waiting for them. They gave her a two different cocktails of medicine which are apparently more to help the nausea than anything. She was told she needed to keep her resistance up because the issue was not that she was poisoned. It was that her body was just susceptible to it now. They can contain whatever contamination may have occurred with her contact with Lexa but considering they don’t know how much of the actual substance is now floating around Polis, it was best they build up their defenses.

“Is she going to be okay?”

“They gave her the antidote already, it should calm her heart down. They’re giving her fluids now. Once her temperature goes back to normal, they can move her. They’re being extra careful as well considering her medical history.”

“What medical history?” Clarke felt her panic rise.

“Keep your heartbeat steady, Clarke” Abby reminded her. “Else they’ll have to re-calibrate your antidote dosage.”

“What medical history, mom?”

“She has a fever.”

“And? It’s a symptom…”

“The Commander has never had a fever before. Ever. Not when she was freezing in the Cold Mountains. Not when she almost drowned. Not when she was bleeding from all kinds of wounds when she was younger. Not when those wounds got infected. She never had fever. She’s burning up now.”

“The poison—What does that mean, mom?”

“For the most part? That she is human.”

“And humans die?”

Abby sighed, kissing her daughters forehead the minute Clarke’s eyes welled up.

“Easier than Commanders do” she whispered, hugging her daughter. “But as I understand, she has too much to live for. So, please steady your heartbeat.”

Clarke nodded. She asked how come her mom had not flown back to Arkadia yet. It was a stupid question but Abby answered anyway. She needed to be cleared from the poison before flying anywhere. And she needed to know that her daughter was fine.

Plus.

“The journal” Clarke concluded. “Octavia told you?”

“Yes.”

“That didn’t take long. When we’re cleared, we can re-check my notes from—from—upstairs.”

“I’m afraid you won’t be going back there for a while. The Commander may have been the most exposed so they’ll have to resynthesize and decontaminate your room.”

“Her room, you mean.”

“Clarke, you were just exposed to a poison that could have killed you both. Spare me the lies. Octavia said you’ve completely moved in.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, ignoring the pain from the shot of the antidote she was just given.

“I’m gonna kill her if the poison doesn’t.”

Abby laughed and it caught both of them by surprise.

“Hey, mom?” Clarke asked, feeling the first effects of the medicine starting to kick in.

“You’re still wondering how Raven’s station was attacked.”

“Mom, I was with Lexa all night. Hell, she fell asleep before I did – didn’t even finish our conversation. And I was with you before you clocked out. It can’t be Anya, judging how willing she was to stab you for leaking her girlfriend’s location. So, who could it be?”

Abby sighed. She had spent her time in her own bunker wondering about the exact same thing.

“I don’t know, honey. I really don’t.”

“I have an idea” Clarke said thoughtfully. “When we get out of here, have yourself checked. For bugs.”

“I get checked everyday.”

Clarke shook her head.

“Not just your clothes, mom. Bloodstream, skin and all”

Abby blinked at her nervously before nodding in agreement. It was probably a futile step to take but at this point they had nothing to lose.

When the doctors finished giving them both rounds of antidotes, they changed out of their clothes and into plain white pajamas. They walked back in the quarantine compartment, towing three different kinds of IV bags. Abby joined Luna and Octavia which, in all honesty, was probably a smart move. Whether or not their issues have been settled, these two’s distrust of each other was as potent as the smell of newly-administered medicine in the room.

Clarke had at first thought that Octavia’s inherited both Lexa’s and Indra’s disapproval of Luna. But something about the way they interacted now made her think that her best friend had formed her own conclusions.

Because unlike Lexa, Octavia barely respected Luna.

“I guess I’m stuck in my room alone huh?” Clarke broke the silence about a minute after she settled in her cot.

“When she is stable, they will bring the Commander down here” Anya said, her voice heavy with fatigue and concern. How she keeps herself from being as out of it and unfiltered as others was a feat on its own. “Then, there will be nothing in heaven or hell that can stop either of you from being in the same compartment.”

Clarke tried to smile despite the acid in Anya’s voice.

“Tell me what you really think” she muttered.

Anya shrugged at her.

“You know, you still haven’t apologized” Clarke reminded her. “For threatening the Chancellor with a knife.”

“If the knife was at her throat, I would consider it”

“Oh gee, that’s sweet of you.”

“Cool it, you two” Raven chided. “Clarke, you’re loopy. Anya, I’m pretty sure you’ve hit your quota of accusing people today. Sit back down.”

It was hours until any of them moved from their spots. Octavia was the one who spoke first, saying that the Chancellor had finally fallen asleep so they could probably just break out of there. Raven and Clarke chuckled at the hint of an inside joke born from a shared childhood. Luna stayed quiet. Anya said she would have broken out by now had she thought it would help.

Indra came by in a hazmat suit another hour later.

She was medically fine but considering that the only people she trusted were all confined in a shared cage, she was fuming in a rage hotter than any of their fevers. Clarke swore she heard Indra vow to re-write the rules of fraternization in the Tower.

The doctors came in to replace the fluids their bodies were being pumped with. They said it was the last bag and if their results came clean, another 24 hours should be good enough to release them. Clarke didn’t care how long they had to stay in there or how many more needles she was to be poked with or whatever awful cocktail she had to hold in.

She just wanted Lexa there now.

Clarke knew she was probably starting to feel better when she had the energy to keep asking the doctors and guards for updates on the Commander’s situation. Anya kept asking her to stop, reminding her that the Commander’s health is not something to be shared or discussed openly. But Clarke heard the hope in her voice. She was waiting for someone to slip up and break protocol. In the end, only the two of them had managed to stay awake. Everyone else had succumb to the day’s trauma and recused themselves to a slumber away from realities.

“You should too” Anya’s tired voice pierced through the cold. She said it like she was reading Clarke’s mind. Or perhaps she too had been praying for sleep to take her but thoughts of Lexa were more pressing.

That and the fact that they were just attacked less than a day ago and now the most important figures in this war were left defenseless in glass cages.

Clarke shook her head slowly. She watched the last drops of medicine from her IV bags fall and right on cue the doctors came out to remove her IV.

“You have no excuse now” Anya said once they had left. “Not to at least try and get some sleep.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed at her.

“Just because you would be a gifted doctor someday, Clarke, does not mean you are any good at hiding how much pain your hands are in right now. You hate needles. And you hate medicine being injected into you. You think you’ve had enough medical emergencies in the last year.”

Clarke scoffed.

“Why do you study me, Anya?” she challenged. “I know we’re friends, even if you won’t ever admit it. Save the fact that you were openly willing to gut my mother a few hours ago, I know we’re friends. Why can’t you just ever ask me instead of analyzing every single thing I do?”

Anya smiled darkly.

“You’re a good liar, Clarke.”

“Lexa says different.”

“Because even if you do, you still hate lying to her. And all she ever needs is a small window of hesitation to look into your soul to know the truth.”

“Your journals told you that?”

Anya’s smiled turned even darker, like she could taste victory. Clarke knew, however, that this was a show of respect. If it were anyone else, Anya wouldn’t even have shown this side of herself. This was telling of how far they have both come to letting the other one in.

“No” she answered calmly. “You did. And continue to do.”

“When?”

“Whenever you look at the Commander.”

“And you’re sure of this how exactly?”

“It takes another soul to bring out hers. And the only reason why she tapped into hers was because you opened up yours. It is a cycle, Clarke. A journey of two souls. The rest of us are just along for the ride.”

Clarke opened her mouth to call out the shade that Anya didn’t even bother to hide in that statement but the change in Anya’s eyes stopped her.

“Footsteps” Anya whispered, standing up from bed so quickly that she woke her girlfriend up. Even if she had to shake her head to refocus, her senses remained unparalleled. “Wheels. The Commander is here.”

Lexa was awake when they rolled her in. Awake and protesting how degrading it was for the Commander of Blood to be seated on a wheelchair. Indra was behind her, trying to reason with her. It was, afterall, protocol.

“Do you need me to run by the report once more, Commander?” Indra asked when the doctors left.

“No” Lexa replied after a few moments of consideration.

“Good. Gustus will be outside once he is cleared as well. Now you can rest”

Indra had the access code open the glass door and once they were shut and she had left, Lexa sought out Clarke’s hand. They sat together in the single bed and as soon as their fingers intertwined, Clarke felt the difference in their temperature.

“Did I scare you?” she whispered, seeking out Clarke’s eyes.

Anya’s earlier words about Lexa taking a peek inside her soul rang in her head. Clarke closed her eyes and shook her head, opting instead to give her girlfriend a quick kiss on the lips.

“Baby, you’re still burning”

“Jeez, Clarke, you do know we can see through glass walls, right?” Raven teased sleepily.

Clarke ignored her. She edged towards the end of the bed and leaned on the wall, pulling Lexa towards her. She hugged her between her legs, knowing that if she was still feverish, a part of her must still be freezing too.

“They weren’t supposed to clear you until your fever has broken”

Lexa shrugged.

"The medicine should take effect in a few minutes. They assured me.”

Clarke hugged her tighter, caressing her head before calling out to the doctors, requesting for thermometers and a survival kit.

“Clarke, they’re on the other side of the door and we have cameras on us” Octavia reminded her as she gave clear instructions on what she wanted to be equipped with should the antidote not work on Lexa. “You’re overreacting, Princess.”

“You can tease me about it later” Clarke snapped at her. “Mom? What do I need to look out for?”

She heard her mom scramble to her feet. She had an obstructed view of their compartment but her mom walked to the very corner where Clarke can see her. She watched closely as her mom assessed Lexa’s rather sluggish state.

“Just make sure she stays awake” Abby finally said. We won’t catch any symptoms if she’s asleep. She can sleep when her fever breaks."

"Yeah…” Clarke murmured. “Yeah, okay”

Lexa turned her head slowly at her.

"It is a fever, love” she tried pacifying her girlfriend, completely worry-free.  “People get fevers."

"Not you." Anya pointed out from where she was still keeping a close watch at the two of them.

Lexa eyed her disapprovingly but didn’t contradict the statement. Instead she settled back into Clarke’s arms, nestling her head comfortably against her girlfriend’s neck. Clarke wouldn’t have minded if they stayed like that forever but as she kissed the top of Lexa’s head, she caught a glimpse of Anya still standing and urging her not to drop the topic.

“Indra said you had gotten sick once” Clarke finally relented, after conceding a staring battle with Anya. “When you were a child. Even then you didn’t burn up.”

Lexa sighed, and Clarke was not sure if it was frustration or she was just finally falling asleep again.

“I didn’t get sick. I almost drowned.”

“And almost froze to death” Anya commented.

“Anya, stop” Lexa warned and everybody heard the change in the atmosphere.

Even Lincoln seemed to have finally woken up completely.

“Commander?” he called out from the other side. “Commander, I—“

“Rest, brother” Lexa said quietly. “I demand that everybody rest. Is that understood?”

Clarke smiled, rolling her eyes when every soldier in the room chorused an affirmation. This kind of authority, while not exactly why she fell for Lexa, was still such an added bonus. She witnesses it everyday and yet she still finds herself quite turned out at how well her girlfriend commands power.

“Have I ever told you how attractive you are in white?”

“White is not blood-proof” Lexa joked grudgingly.

Clarke hugged her tighter, feeling her start to shiver again.

“I thought you were bleeding internally” she whispered to her after a few minutes.

“I said rest, Clarke.”

“You’re not my superior, Lexa.”

“Alas, the root of all disasters”

Clarke scoffed playfully before nudging the woman in her arms.

“I’m serious. I thought they got you.”

Lexa rubbed the arms keeping her warm.

“They didn’t” she said simply. “It was a scare. Nothing more.”

“Mom said it was part of the poison.”

“That much Indra told me” Lexa hummed thoughtfully. She breathed slowly. “Chancellor? If you would be so kind?”

Clarke turned her head again to where her mom stood. She gave her a subtle nod, saying that Lexa should know only what she must.

“You were exposed to a whiff of it” Abby started slowly. “You must have fallen asleep before you could show symptoms. You have been injected with the antidote so you should be fine. It should be a while before you regain total control of your faculties but once your fever breaks, you should be safe.”

“And the blood?” Lexa asked, patting Clarke’s forearm absentmindedly.

Clarke knew that it was her way of showing that she was not at all interested in knowing the specifics. She was asking for her girlfriend’s sake.

“The burn on your back also did not help in shielding your body from different kinds of infection” Abby continued to explain. “Until, the tower has been cleared and your temperature regulated, I prefer you inside the glass walls.”

“Thank you, Chancellor” Lexa said sincerely. She gave Clarke a soft pat on the arm. “Did you show symptoms?”

“Hmm” Clarke nodded. “I was hot an hour ago”

“You are hot all the time”

“Somebody kill me” Anya groaned from across them, earning herself a nudge from Raven.

“They caught the fever early on” Clarke continued, aware of how Lexa was focused on her reply. And how close she was to her chest. Even when she was recovering from the poison and still amped on medication, she was still a human lie detector. “Well, not really. They caught it when I was yelling for you to wake up.“

“Ah, so that is what was causing you to be…loud.”

Clarke gaped at her, surprised she would even tease her right now. Anya groaned again from the other side which surprised Clarke again too. It must be the medication. Everybody was offering way too much information, emotion and reaction than they usually would. Except for Octavia. Apparently the effects on her is that her usually unfiltered tongue gets heavier when exposed to poison. She still reacted to everything with less than appropriate sounds but at least the words are muted.

Anya and Lexa, however, refreshingly candid in their informality.

“I had only gotten less woozy a few minutes ago” Clarke said, slowly, dropping the hints about the side effects of the antidote.

“I would have wanted to see that” Lexa mused.

“Okay, Lexa. Judging by how loose your lips are, I think the meds should work on you in a bit.”

“I await with weighted anticipation.”

“You just need to calm, okay?” Clarke said, shaking her gently, as she readjusted her back on the wall. She took a deep breath, trying to steady her heartbeat. Hearing her mom explain Lexa’s condition just sent her mind to all kinds of theories once more. Before she could stop herself, she was thinking of who the traitor was again. She rubbed the back of her fingers against Lexa’s arm. “Don’t worry about what’s going on outside.”

Lexa froze in her arms. She sat up straight and faced a surprised and curious Clarke.

“I worry about what is going in there” she said, tapping Clarke’s temples.

Clarke rolled her eyes. Her heartbeats were a tell and her girlfriend was a freaking polygraph. The words Anya uttered to her earlier rang in her ears once more. It shouldn’t feel as much of a threat as it does. It wasn’t that she had anymore to hide from Lexa. It was just they both knew that her mother’s presence here complicates their relationship. She already had to choose who to side with when they argued at breakfast. Again, on whether she would join her mom in the bunker or follow Lexa’s plans. She might have to choose once more…sooner or later.

And she had a feeling it would be sooner.

_And all she ever needs is a small window of hesitation to look into your soul to know the truth._

There has to be a way from stalling Lexa from finding out about her theory about her dad’s notes. If she could stall her long enough, she could set her plans into motion. Or at least just start doing something. Anything.

She will not lie. She just needs to stall.

“Well… Oh!” Clarke exclaimed in the middle of thinking up an excuse. “Remember when I said I had a surprise?"

"Smooth change of topic, Princess." Raven muttered under her breath.

Everyone still heard it.

Lexa looked like she was about to call her out on it as well but something made her think otherwise. Clarke could pinpoint the exact moment Lexa decided not to ask her about what was going on her mind. It was not the first time she did that. Just the first time she made sure Clarke saw it. Like she wanted her to know that she was giving her a pass.

A pass she would collect on later.

"Guess what?" Clarke prompted her excitedly, ignoring the knowing look on her face. “Lex, geuess what?”

"What?"

"You're supposed to guess."

“Under medication" Lexa reminded her.

“Come on, babe.”

“I cannot make an informed guess right now, Clarke.”

“Aren’t you at least going to try?”

Lexa sighed and leaned on the wall opposite Clarke, their feet still touching. She smiled when Clarke kicked her jokingly but did not give in.

"You're no fun to be quarantined with” Clarke declared, sticking her tongue out at her.

Lexa shrugged at her, waiting for her to give in. In her head, she already won this game. Clarke knew that.

“I might actually be graduating in June” she surrendered.

"What?" Abby asked in surprise.

"Oh right. Um. Hey mom, I'm graduating."

Lexa smiled proudly at her.

"I thought you said you were behind?" she asked quietly under the wave of excitement coming from Abby’s compartment.

"Apparently all my work here can be credited” Clarke explained. “And since I took all my exams in one go, I'm somehow done? They had to triple check it but remember the two weeks from hell? Those are all my ‘behind’ requirements."

Clarke could hear her mom gushing to herself. As dark as their days might go, her mom’s ability to weed out the light is still one of her most favorite things about her. Only Abigail Griffin would actually start planning a graduation party for her daughter amidst being poisoned, bombed and betrayed.

Lexa stayed silent, the pride in her eyes louder than anything else in the room. When everyone seemed to have settled from the news, she slowly leaned towards Clarke and reached to give her a congratulatory kiss. Clarke cradled her face, kissing her back carefully. She could feel her desperation for every bit of her.

Clarke felt Lexa start to sweat when their lips broke apart. She checked her temperature with her hand and then again, against her girlfriend’s protest, with a thermometer.

"Mom, her fever's breaking” Clarke called out.

"She is probably just sweating off the realization that you'll be in Med School next year and she has to come up with ways to visit you" Octavia teased sleepily.

"We have plans in place for that” Clarke smirked, stealing a quick kiss. “Don't we, baby?"

“I really am going to be sick” Anya muttered, reaching for the bucket under their bed.

Lexa ignored her, sharing a look with Clarke before winking at her.

It was enough to make Clarke forget just how a shitty of a situation they were in. She motioned for Lexa to move closer to her and when she had her in her embrace, the two of them finally fell asleep. When she woke up just a few minutes later, she found Anya still watching them closely.

“That’s creepy” she said sleepily. She took a peek at Lexa who didn’t seem to have any problems sleeping. She was her most peaceful self, probably a little too comfortably, considering they were still in quarantine.

“Blake” Anya mouthed.

Clarke raised an eyebrow at her.

“I have isolated the problem.”

Clarke blinked the same question.

“Bellamy is the leak” Anya whispered.

Clarke heard shuffling in the other compartments. Octavia must have woken up too.

“We’ve been through this. I know you don’t like him because of the Pike thing but he passed your tests--”

“I am not saying he betrayed you. I am saying he is the idiot who have failed to realize he had been bugged.”

Clarke frowned, remembering asking her mom to go allow herself to be medically checked for bugs. For some reason, it was also the only test Bellamy was not subjected to when Indra’s and Anya’s team investigated him.

“All he needed to be was be close enough to you or to the Chancellor” Anya continued. “He need not pass information. Our enemis would have heard anyway. His apprenticeship. His proximity to your family. You had asked him to keep a close eye on your mother. He was assigned to be your guard.”

“I never breathed a word about where Raven was. Raven literally whispered it to me—we didn’t even know if I was allowed to know. I didn’t even tell Octavia—“

Clarke considered this. It was not an impossible accusation. The more she thought about it, the more likely it was going to be.

“Rae--- Rae—was—“ Clarke tried to ask, knowing that if she got her question out and if the answer was in the affirmative, Bellamy could very well be a dead man.

“I didn’t tell him, of course not” Raven said slowly. She watched as Anya gave her a look that said she knew there was more she was not saying. “But he could have heard it. I mean, he wouldn’t even have known what it was. When I---came to see you before I left, he was outside your door. I was talking with Abby on the phone. In code. If he was bugged, and they still have men in the tower, they could have put the pieces together…”

Clarke closed her eyes and tried to think back how many phone calls she had done while Bellamy was in the room with her. She even had private talks with Lexa or her mother while he was in the room. All they worried about was him assassinating her. Nobody thought that he actually was a courier of the bug they could not weed out.

“Are you going to kill him?” Octavia asked quietly.

“Not my call” Anya replied.

“Run some tests on him” Clarke pleaded. “If you’re right then we’ll…fix him. I ask only for time. And...a fair shot at finding out his actual participation.”

Anya nodded, sitting back down on the cot. Clarke knew that she was dismissed. She would have found the time and energy to be insulted at this had it not been for Indra’s entrance into the compartment. She was followed by Gus who took one look at the Commander then stepped out of the room to wait for them. Indra did not bother asking how everyone was. Only that they need to be moved, somewhere technology-free. Lexa got up from bed quietly but alert.

“The tower?”

“The island, Commander” Indra reported. “We are making arrangements for the Chancellor should she choose to go back to Arkadia now.”

“My mother has been cleared of all suspicions?” Clarke asked.

Indra nodded. She gave Abby a rare apologetic glance before opening the glass doors.

“There is an old bunker just down these tunnels. It was last used about fifty years ago. No computers. And…no way out” Indra informed them. “I have talked with the doctors, Commander. We have prepared the bunker and have stocked it with emergency medicine. I need you locked in there for six to twelve hours.”

Lexa’s frown was invisible save from her eyes. She did not like this plan.

“That is too long, Indra.”

Clarke settled her hand at the small of her back, urging her silently to listen to Indra. Lexa finally agreed and they were led to the bunker. Abby opted not to go back to Arkadia just yet and both Lexa and Anya agreed that while tests were going to be done on Bellamy, keeping Abby close was the best idea.

The bunker, as it turned out, was ancient. Iron and stone walls with no windows. It was a circular room, which meant that there was nowhere to hide. Everyone saw everyone. There were no tables. Just mattresses and pillows on the floor and a stack of first aid kits and a trunk of medicinal cocktails in the middle. The wall was lined with vaults and if Clarke had to guess, they must be housing “emergency weapons” like swords and axes and torture devices.

The door shut tight, with the eeriest sound Clarke has ever heard. There were two set of security teams outside, hers and Lexa and while she knew Gus was out there, she still felt cut off from the world. The steel and iron door was a line from safety and chaos and they could only guess how chaotic it would get outside.

“Cozy” Octavia mused, watching her friends settle on the floor. “What’s in theses things?”

“Leave them be, Octavia” Lincoln said, sharing a look with Anya.

“You do know that whenever you tell people not to open things that’s when they actually want to open them, right?” Octavia said reaching for the nearest vault and turning the knob.

It turns out, Clarke would have been wrong. That particular vault carried no weapons.

Just booze. A lot of them.

"Well, since Clarke is graduating…shall we pop a bubbly then?" Octavia asked, excitedly. She already popped the cork open with her knife and everybody had to duck.

“Damn it, O! There’s nowhere to hide in this damn place” Clarke exclaimed after almost getting hit.

“Sorry. But seriously, can we please drink?”

“We all just had heavy doses of antidote” Raven reminded her, grabbing the bottle and reading what was in it.

“They don’t have a reaction to alcohol” Octavia argued, proving once more that she actually knows more than she lets on. “The Commander, however, is on antibiotics because of that nasty burn”

"By all means” Lexa permitted.

Clarke glared at her like she just indulged a child to have chocolate ice cream for breakfast. Lexa pursed her lips before giving Octavia a small nod to carry on with her toast.

"To Clarke” Octavia said cheerfully, the pride in her voice sending waves of calm to her best friend as she raised the bottle. “And all the lives she will someday save."

They chorused “Cheers” before passing the bottle along. Clarke opted not to drink citing solidarity with Lexa but the truth was her mind was already all kinds of jumbled that she didn’t need any alcohol. She was sure she was drunk on…something. She sat next to Lexa, helping her put a pillow on her back even when she sad she didn’t need it.

Luna stood by the door, apparently very much aware that in this room, she was the guard. Clarke asked her to sit down but she respectfully declined.

“Babe, she can’t stand there for 12 hours” Clarke whispered.

“She is trained for it”

“What I meant was I’d rather she didn’t”

Lexa opened one to check on how serious Clarke was.

“Lieutenant, guard the door if you must, but do so sitting down” she ordered sleepily. “Lest the good Ambassador deprives me of my sleep over it.”

Luna gave a sharp nod and immediately dropped to an indian-sitting position.

Clarke mentally shook her head. It was ridiculous how everyone in this tower never questions Lexa’s orders. Whatever her flaws, Lua was still ever the soldier.

“Satisfied, love?” Lexa whispered, closing her eyes once more.

“Thank you.”

Lexa sighed.

“Now will you stop counting my pulse rate?”

“I am not counting your pulse rate!”

“Would you like to kiss me on my neck then because you have not stopped staring.”

Clarke made a face before grudgingly laying her head down on Lexa’s lap.

“Still counting” Lexa told her.

“Well, I can’t help it. You almost died and your quarantine period isn’t up yet. Mom—tell her—“

Clarke sat up to ask for her mother’s support on this one and found Abby already fast asleep by Octavia’s side.

“She just woke up. Is she...?”

“She wasn’t asleep, dummy” Octavia said, spreading a blanket over who she considers as a mother. “At the containment unit? She was closing her eyes but I’m pretty sure she heard everything.”

“Quite the act” Anya muttered.

Clarke opened her mouth to defend her mom from the insinuation but Raven beat her to it.

“She didn’t have me attacked and when you accuse her, you accuse me too” she said firmly, with a certainty and authority in her voice that must have grown in moments of adversity. “I mean it, Anya. Enough.”

Anya did not at all look pleased at being told off, both as a soldier and as a girlfriend. When she too closed her eyes, Clarke caught Lincoln and Luna sharing a look as though they were deciding who was on first-shift watch duty. She looked up the room again, this must be the first time she’s ever anywhere without a security camera. Except for their bedroom but even then, she was sure they were never completely alone.

Lincoln settled her head on the wall and soon enough, he was snoring.

Octavia smirked at her two best friends as though she was the proudest of her snoring boyfriend. Clarke gave her a grateful smile. She knew just how much Lincoln had to endure and how much she owed him. She owed too much to every single person in this room.

“Is it strange how the three kids in this room are the ones still awake?” Octavia asked ten minutes later when it became apparent that the three of them aren’t getting any sleep soon.

Raven chuckled guiltily. Clarke knew she was scared to go to sleep, not after everything she had to endure.

“I can’t sleep because my brother is probably going to be executed for being an idiot. My boyfriend was really, really exposed to that poison and didn’t even know it because his body is apparently incapable of showing symptoms. Both of my best friends’ lives have been attempted on, on the same day. And Indra will probably kill me if I bat an eyelid anyway” Octavia her speech as she took another swig at the champagne. “What about you, Rae?”

“Pretty much the same except I was having a lovely look at the sunrise when I realized it wasn’t exactly the sun that was rising but you know, a bomb aimed at me” Raven replied, almost nonchalantly. “Clarke, what’s keeping you up?”

“I’m counting my girlfriend’s heartbeat because that’s what I do now”

Octavia snorted, prompting Raven to burst out laughing. Clarke laughed at how pathetic they all seem now. Then at how sad this whole situation is. When the three of them kept laughing, they eventually forgot why. It was just good too.

It made Octavia forget. It made Raven relax.

Clarke just loved hearing them sound like kids again.

“They really do think they are funny” Anya said, turning on her side.

“Yes, they do” Lexa smiled in her “sleep.”

Clarke hit her straight at the stomach and Lexa let a small chuckle slip.

Octavia stared at Lincoln before poking him to wake up, asking how long he had been pretending to still be asleep. Apparently, all he needed was a ten-minute nap. And even then, he somehow still heard everything going on in the room.

“You guys are freaks” Raven said.

Clarke noted how she and Anya were still sort of ignoring each other. There was nerve that was touched there and judging from her own relationship, she wasn’t entirely sure who was wrong. Nor did she have a clue on who would give in first. Anya must have felt her staring because she turned on her side again and opened her eyes.

She wore a knowing look, like she knew what was going on her mind.

Anya sat up and regarded her with the same look Lexa wears whenever she wants Clarke to drop a subject.

“Alright, it just got really, really tense in here and since we’re gonna be here for a while, we should lighten the mood” Octavia declared, getting to her feet and going back to the liquor vault. "Let's play."

"Hell, no” Raven protested at the same time as Clarke groaned.

"O, my mom is right there” Clarke gestured at her mother who was still sound asleep. “We’re not engaging in one of your ridiculous drinking games—Octavia, put that—Oh, shit”

Octavia stuck her tongue out at her best friends as she set a whole crate full of bottles on the floor. She ignored the continuous protests as she counted the different kinds of liquor. She patted Lincoln’s pockets for a pen and paper and listed down the rules of her game.

“It’s like she doesn’t even hear us” Raven said to Clarke.

"Guys, I know we’re in a shitty situation” Octavia snapped. “Trust me, I know. I’m just saying--- we can make it less shitty and if you two will just cooperate, we might make something out of it.”

Clarke shared a look with Raven. There was no stopping their friend when she’s like this.

“Look, Clarke. Abby is asleep and the only people Luna can tell us on are right here."

The three of them stared at Lincoln, knowing that he was still Luna’s direct superior. He shrugged, nodding his head at Anya and Lexa, as though reminding them that they still outrank him.

"I say we make the most of this situation" Lexa said, sitting up right and completely giving up her pretense of falling asleep. She gave a subtle, acknowledging nod at Anya who refused to vote on the matter with only just Clarke and Octavia urging her to their causes.

If Clarke was not so incensed at this development in their quarantine, she would have warned Anya that Raven has had a history of winning the silent treatment battle.

"Fantastic!" Octavia clasped her hands.

"Lexa, you're not even allowed to drink" Clarke scolded.

"Which is not a problem" Lexa assured her. “You can have my drink. You seem to need it more than I do.”

“You’re not funny.”

“I was not joking. Octavia, if you please, subject us to this monstrosity before I change my mind.”

Octavia frowned at the term but didn’t ask for a retraction.

"The game is pretty simple -- it's the last night of the world and we have to speak only truths."

Clarke frowned at her. Raven gave her a disappointed look. Anya glared at her and even Lincoln was biting his lower lip like he knew his girlfriend said something taboo. Luna tried to pretend like she didn’t have a reaction which was reaction enough considered that she had a reaction to pretty much everything Octavia had said early.

Lexa sighed sharply.

Octavia played back her words then rolled her eyes. When nobody’s expression changed, she gulped.

"Guys, it's not really the last night of the world” she said exasperatedly. “Can you all not be wimps right now? Now, rules -- honey, may I borrow your stressball -- it's like beerpong but also like roulette."

Clarke’e eyes narrowed when Lincoln passed a small ball at Octavia. This was an intriguing new information she had learned about him. Maybe he does get shaken. Maybe he does get to a point where he doesn’t agree with the orders he was given. She smiled at him when their eyes met. More than Anya, Lincoln is actually someone she has come to understand completely.

He was a simple man. A brave soldier.

He is so good to her.

He is every bit the man Octavia deserved. Where every other man she had in her life had let her down, he brought up the standard to an all-time high.

Whatever else happened after all of this, Clarke’s heart is full. Her best friend is in good hands.

While Octavia formed a triangle with the antique-looking cups she somehow found in the room and poured shots of different liquor inside, Clarke looked over to where Anya and Raven were sitting quietly, barely touching. Clarke knew what it was. Raven didn’t feel like talking and Anya doesn’t feel the need to be the one to break their silence. Except that Anya doesn’t know this side of Raven. When you don’t break the silence right away, there a chance it never might be broken.

“Hey” she called out at Raven. “Come sit beside me”

Raven more than willingly obliged as she crawled over to Clarke.

“Knife at my mom?” she whispered when her friend settled between her and Lincoln.

“Yeah. And just… You should have seen her when we were dragged to quarantine” Raven whispered back.

Clarke nodded, knowing that Raven would eventually find it in her to forgive and accept whatever side Anya slipped and showed. She had afterall seen her take down their enemies with a sniper. If she can get over that, she can get over whatever this was.

“Listen…” Clarke hushed closer to Raven’s ear. “You were bombed. And she…isolated the factors. She thought it was my mom. Am I mad? Yes. But we can’t fight each other right now.”

Raven gave a subtle nod her before muttering back that they weren’t fighting. She just didn’t want to talk. She just needed time not to be okay with her girlfriend’s life philosophy. Clarke opened her mouth to try and pacify this kind of road her friend was on when Octavia called for everyone’s attention.

"Rules are simple. Bounce the ball and whichever cup bit lands, you either have to take a shot or answer the question. But there will be specific questions. Let's see -- vodka, tequila, whiskey, rum, gin, chardonnay, champagne and...oooh, sangria."

"Octavia, this has the makings of a catastrophe--” Raven said before getting shushed.

"I'm scrapping the wines and bubbly. So five sets of apocalyptic questions please.”

Octavia looked around expecting answers.

“Fine. I'll start” she said clearly annoyed how uncooperative her friends were being. She tapped the nearest bottle to her. “Land on vodka and you have to answer… Ah! If tonight was the last night in the world and you had to name a specific event in your childhood you wish you could alter, what would it be?"

"That is lame” Clarke called out, knowing every single one of them had issues growing up. Some more than others. “O, we’re gonna therapy more than we already do.

“Princess, I swear if you don’t tap into your diplomatic skills right now, heaven help me, I will slap you.”

Clarke stuck her tongue out at her best friend.

“Fine” she said grudgingly. “Tequila -- name a kiss you wish you never had."

Octavia mocked her with a fake round of applause. While Raven and Lincoln gave her a mildly impressed look.

"Look at you courting all kinds of trouble, my love" Lexa mused beside her.

"I know. Octavia tends to have that effect on me. Your turn, Rae, add in a question."

"I reeeeeally don’t want to.” Raven chuckled deviously.

“Oh, you know you already have a question” Octavia taunted. “Come on, let us have it.

Raven smirked.

“You know me all too well. Whiskey—“

“Oh, the stories I could tell about a certain whiskey—“

“Shut up, Octavia” Raven seriously threatened and suddenly everyone in the room was curious about what mishap did these three get into. “Nobody ask cause we are so not telling. Here’s my question. Last night of the world and you have to reveal the best first time experience you've ever had."

"First time experiencing what exactly?" Clarke asked.

"Anything, princess. Your choice. Unlike you and Octavia, I'm actually not that brutal. Next?"

They turn to Anya and she turned to Lexa with a blank face.

"I am to participate in this fiasco?"

Lexa encourages her with a single nod.

“Commander—“

“Quarantine makes us do childish things, Anya. Embrace it.”

Anya sighed but made no further objections. She raised a finger while she thought about her contribution to this drinking game.

"Rum” she finally said, eyeing the bottle just in front of her. “It is the last night in the world and you have to name a distinct memory you would rather forget."

"Hell, two shots of rum and Clarke can't remember anything” Octavia teased and everyone laughed.

Clarke smiled. She could tell that all of them could use some forgetting.

Again, some more than others.

"Lex?" she turned to her girlfriend.

"Let Lincoln pick one. I will not be drinking remember?"

"Gin” Lincoln said, almost a little too eager. “It is the last night in the world and you have to...confess a long-hidden deeply personal sin to someone here."

"That's actually a really good one” Clarke complimented. “Okay, let’s pla—Octavia, what the hell?”

Octavia took out another cup and started pouring drops from the different bottles.

"You're not off the hook, Commander. We need a question for this particular cocktail."

Lexa eyed the cup.

"Tell one person here the last thing you want them to hear from you."

Clarke’s head snapped at her girlfriend. She wanted to know if it was a joke even if she knew it wasn’t. If it was anything other than just Lexa’s mind being verbalized, it was an omen. The fact that Lexa was avoiding eye contact meant that she was thinking about the ordeal they had to go through in the last few hours. And by the way that her fingers were very subtle tapping on Clarke’s knee meant that she really did have something to say should it be their last night.

Octavia cleared her throat, completely aware just how much the mood had toned down.

“Okay, who wants to start?” she said. “You know, before we all get depressed.”

Lexa nodded at her gratefully before cocking her head at Anya’s direction.

Anya heaved inwardly before taking the ball from Octavia. With a single bounce, it landed on the cup with clear white liquid in it.

“Gin” she muttered. “Fantastic."

“What was gin again?” Octavia asked her boyfriend.

“I have to confess a sin” Anya answered for him. “This should be fitting. I confess to Lincoln—“

"You don't have to confess to him because he chose the question”

Anya considered this before shrugging.

"It is only because he is the only one I have hurt here before."

Raven hid a scoff at the same time Lexa fidgeted in her seat. Clarke turned from one to the other before entertaining her suspicion that Lexa knew exactly what was coming.

"When you were trying to date Ontari, I let her kiss me" Anya told Lincoln, meeting only his eyes, her voice as devoid of any emotion as every bit of her.

"What?!" Octavia’s reaction overshadowed whatever it was on Raven’s face.

"I told myself at the time that I was doing it to protect you from her” Anya continued, not paying attention to anyone else in the room. “But...mostly, because at that time she was dropping hints…she liked me."

Lincoln frowned slightly at her.

"How is this a sin?" he finally asked, utterly confused.

"I knew you had feelings for her. I kissed her back anyway. More than once."

Lincoln considered the explanation before nodding with certainty.

"Forgiven” he said with a glimmer of a peaceful smile behind his eyes.

"Wait, that's it?" Raven interjected. She turned to Anya. "Did you date Ontari?"

Anya faced her, surprised that she talked or even looked at her.

"No."

"Did Lincoln?"

Lexa fidgeted in her seat once more and Clarke knew the answer. She remembered asking Lexa before if they had rules regarding dating fellow soldiers. Lexa had said there was not. And that she was not the kind to impose that on anyone. Part of Clarke had always felt that this was such an admirable thing. Until now. It was clearly making three of the most unemotional and unreadable people she knows visibly on edge.

"Oh, shit" Octavia muttered.

"She dated him to get back at me for not choosing her” Anya said, surprising Clarke that she would still go on volunteering information.

Lexa roared silently and Clarke glanced at her. She saw Anya and Lexa have the briefest of arguments with a single look of exchange. Anya relented and passed the ball to Lincoln. No one else noticed this new shift in the dynamic in the room. Anya slipped on something valuable and part of Clarke instantly knew that it was intentional.

"Hang on. I have questions” Octavia stopped the game from continuing. “Not choosing Ontari when exactly?”

"When she was fighting for her place to be eligible as Commander" Lexa saved her brother from answering when Lincoln stalled. "Anya chose me to train with and that sealed Ontari's fate as a product of forbidden liaisons. Hence, her lifetime post in the Cold Mountains."

“I thought you didn’t have forbidden liaisons” Clarke asked.

“This was different.”

"We both had outcast mothers” Lincoln supplied.

He cleared his throat, the smile in his eyes gone. Now, he was all business. He was not in any pain or discomfort in whatever it was he was about to say. It was simply clear that he had detached himself from any form of sentiment regarding it.

“That was what drew me to her before. That was where our connection started. Two kids whose fathers slept with the wrong women. It was never a race thing, if you are about to ask. It was simply a matter of…history remembering crimes.”

Clarke nodded, not wanting to intrude more than they already have.

Anya never trusted her and wanted to prove a point” Lincoln continued anyway, steering all of them back into the actual question of the game. “She wanted to prove that Ontari would only ever use me to get on the Commander's nerve. Hence the kiss, yes?"

"Yes."

"It is in the past, Anya. I knew then she wanted you and not me. If there was a fool in this equation, it was me. Or it was both our youths. All is forgiven."

The sincerity in his voice seemed to calm everyone in the room.

Almost everyone.

Octavia reached for the cup of gin which Anya left untouched, having answered the question, and downed the shot.

"Octavia, it's not your turn” Raven said.

"Because none of us needed a drink after that?" Octavia spat. “Actually, could Lincoln skip this round please? For my sake? Rae, take the turn.”

Raven shook her head in disbelief before taking the ball from Lincoln. She bounced it, a little less smoothly than when Anya did, and it made two hops before landing on the Vodka.

“Actually I like vodka so I will take a shot" she declared, and drank the cup before anyone could force her otherwise. “O, your turn."

"Rum” Octavia grimaced as soon as her ball landed in the cup. “I hate rum.”

Clarke laughed, pushing the cup towards her best friend.

“Drink it, drink it, drinkt it” she teased.

Octavia gave her an unintentional look that suggested she was about to say something serious and Clarke immediately regretted putting her best friend in this situation. She knew that Octavia has had to step up a lot lately and while she never complains about her orders, she had dark circles in her eyes too. She does a good job hiding her demons from everyone and while she never lies about them, she may be the only person there who was successful in shielding Clarke from them.

She struggled in her seat and Clarke almost volunteered to take the turn for her. But Octavia is not one for backing down. Amidst all of this, she has yet to lose at a challenge fate throws at her. And Lexa was made into a believer of her. She gave Clarke’s knee a soft squeeze, reminding her that some stories take time to surface. They should give Octavia the courtesy to frame hers right.

That was the thing about being alone with people.

You tend to see the smallest, most trivial of their traits which you usually overlook.

For some reason, quarantine forces you to see only what is there and what has only been there but the world had tried to overshadow.

Clarke had always known that whenever Octavia was serious, it took time for her to put her words together. But now, even Lexa and Anya have finally come to understand why this young soldier tend to lean on the naughtier, rebellious side.

Octavia feels too much. She thinks of everything. She actually does consider more possibilities she lets on. She lives through her decisions over and over again. She is principled and deadset on proving herself. Her loyalty is probably only matched by Anya’s and even then it would be too close of a call because unlike Anya, Octavia’s heart drives her.

And for the life of her, she too, was a bad liar.

Or maybe that was just the medicine. The quarantine.

“When I was on my recent mission, I had to, well--- I had to question a defector” Octavia finally said, her voice creaking in the silence they gave her. “I don't regret it. Honestly, I would do it again if that's what it takes to win and end this war. But I would rather...not hear his screams in my head. It’d be great if I somehow just forget all of it."

Clarke reached for the shot of rum instead after hearing the confession and drank it without warning and Octavia laughed at her. That was it, they both knew they weren’t going to be talking about it again. The group turned to Lincoln who finally took his turn.

"A kiss you wish you never had” Octavia announced when the ball landed on the tequila shot. “This I would really love to hear."

Lincoln grinned at her, shaking his head. He looked like he has had enough of this twisted game. He adjusted the cup between his fingers and downed it without hesitation.

"Bet I know who it was with" Octavia grumbled.

Everybody laughed, knowing that Lincoln pretty much backed himself into a corner right there. He shook his head again, leaned over and kissed Octavia. That was it too. They weren’t going discuss it again. Besides, that right there, was the kiss that mattered.

Octavia blushed when Anya cleared her throat at the threat of their kiss possibly leading to undressing.

"Batter up, Princess" she said, her cheeks shining bright pink.

Clarke took the ball and cringed when it landed on the whiskey. Her friends laughed so loudly that they had to shush each other up when Abby shifted in her sleep. There really were stories to be told about whiskey and they really were not going to be telling them. They all just seem funnier now, considering everyone else in the room wants to hear about them. Funnier still that if tonight really was the last night of the world, these stories die with them.

Clarke smirked, thinking back on her firsts. She has never really been a sentimental person when it comes to pivotal moments in her life. She only started cherishing her “firsts” when she met Lexa. She was taking her time picking a memory when she realized her friends were snickering. She looked up at Raven and Octavia who were extra careful, to the point of being in pain, in not meeting each other’s eyes. Even Anya was biting her lip to stop herself from smiling.

When Raven snorted in her attempt to hold back her laughter, Clarke knew exactly what they were laughing about.

"No” she protested firmly. “Stop.”

"We didn't even say anything yet” Raven tried to say with a straight face.

Lexa hummed beside her girlfriend. When Clarke faced her, she found her with half of a smile and half of a smirk, her eyes shining in amusement.

"You told?" Lexa asked calmly.

"No!"

"Are you lying right now?"

"Yes."

Lexa faked a cough to hide her own snicker which would probably have unnoticed anyway considering Raven’s and Octavia’s laugh were thunderous all over the room. Even Anya was forcing down fits of snickers.

"What am I missing?" Lincoln inquired, utterly confused.

"Nothing, you’re not missing anything” Clarke told him. “I had the best first dance ever."

"Sure, let's call it that" Octavia mumbled and almost everyone snickered again.

Clarke heard them but resolved to ignore them. This memory was special to her. She can still see it clearly. She can still feel the chills that Lexa’s then-mysterious presence gave her. She could remember the buzz in the ballroom, remember how she basically did not get to eat anything because she was nervous, remember how she doesn’t remember much of anything else that night.

She remembers the first time Lexa pulled them closer, how her breath kissed her frozen cheeks, seemingly waking a part of her soul that had slumbered for centuries. She remembers that first touch and how crisp the night air smelled. It was cold but still felt like Spring.

Like the stars had to twinkle extra brightly, or cower behind storm clouds because they can never compete with Lexa’s gaze.

She remembers the rhythm of their heartbeats, finding a symphony together.

"The first time Lexa and I danced, it was at the State Ball back in Arkadia” Clarke said, aware of how her voice suddenly was melodramatic, sentimental…dreamy, even. “It was perfect. No music, just the two of us at the balcony. She counted heartbeats and mine found hers. Like a song I didn’t know I knew how to sing. It was the most magical connection I have ever had in my life. I will never forget it."

Lexa smiled and kissed her cheek, her lips lingering like the breeze did that night.

“And she told me-“

“You make me feel” Lexa repeated. “You still do.”

Clarke didn’t even bother checking who was staring or how everyone else reacted. She kissed Lexa full on the mouth, the way she wanted to that night. The way that they should have that night. She could hear their heartbeats now, at that moment, still a symphony.

Louder. Stronger. More powerful.

An unbreakable duet.

"Nice save, Clarke" Octavia remarked when the moment passed. “Dance is a good way to put it.”

Clarke frowned at her, actually getting a little annoyed now.

"O, I'm never telling you anything ever again" she warned.

"So you did tell Octavia about the first time you and the Commander slept together?!" Raven exclaimed next to her, clutching her chest in surprise.

"You told us about you and Anya hooking up!" Clarke reminded her defensively.

"Only cause everyone in this room except your mother knows about it" Raven retorted.

Clarke gave her a look. It wasn’t much of a defense and Raven knew it. They both laughed, completely forgetting that their girlfriends were in the room and had gone more silent than they usually are. Octavia wolf-whistled and shot them with gun fingers as though she just won a contest that neither of the two knew they were even playing.

Octavia, the Keeper of their Secrets. Yeah. Right. Clarke has never heard a more ridiculous notion and she was deemed to be one-half of the incarnation of a love story that just won’t die.

"Who else have you told?" she asked her best friend.

"Thankfully not me” Lincoln immediately said. “My sister's sex life is not an image I want to track."

He gave Lexa a nod, both as a sign of respect and a thank you that they have never allowed themselves and their relationship to be this close, honest and unfiltered.

"I told Raven that it happened” Clarke suddenly felt the need to confess to Lexa who remained too stoic for her liking. “Rae, did you tell Anya too?"

"I did not need to be told” Anya said. “I heard most of it."

That was what broke everyone, including Lexa. She laughed like she does whenever it’s just her and Clarke, alone in their room with nothing to worry about. It must have been permission enough because Anya broke her façade and shook with unadultered laughter. Even Luna could not ignore them, she chuckled as quietly as she could.

Octavia leaned over and offered Lexa a high five, which, to Clarke’s utter shock, the Commander gave with gusto.

"Why are you not outraged at this?"

Lexa merely shrugged, her shoulders only starting to come down from shaking.

"Lexa!"

“Love, you are the one who told in the first place” she explained, kissing Clarke on the cheek as an apology. “And I do not mind them knowing”

“You won’t even have sex with me while my mother is here!”

Again, everyone broke in laughter, their collective amusement at this entire situation roaring in the circular room. Octavia had to wave her arms in alarm when they thought they had woken Abby up.

“So, no sex for the two of you huh?” Raven whispered, trying to sound sympathetic amidst her tears from laughing.

“I hate you, guys. I really do” Clarke said, biting her lip, not wanting to laugh with them.

Lexa smiled at her but did not press on the matter any further. She waited until everyone calmed down from what she deemed was a rather childish display before taking the ball out of cup of whiskey. Clarke wondered how Lexa could be so calm about this. She enjoyed this new and more relaxed phase of her but it was still disconcerting.

Was it the poison? The medicine? The isolation?

"Whiskey as well" Lexa said softly when the ball landed in the same cup as Clarke’s did.

There was something in her voice and the composure in her eyes that made Clarke certain that she intended to shoot the ball there. Lexa still holds the record in shooting moving targets, surely she can bounce a damn ball in her intended cup.

Come to think of it, so can Anya and Lincoln.

This entire game was starting to make Clarke very uneasy and it had nothing to do with the stories being told. Part of her felt that it wasn’t revelations about her and her relationship that was sending her on the edge. She felt like there was a different game here being played. One that nobody told her about.

She suddenly felt like a pawn again.

"First time I flew a plane was on my 15th birthday” Lexa said. She absentmindedly started tapping on Clarke’s knee again. “Nothing is more liberating than having the clouds beneath you, believing you can kiss the sun without being burned, and truly knowing that up there, the rest of the world can never catch up. The world is a vast universe, flying above it, having total control of where you go, is the most humbling reminder of how small one can be."

Clarke held her breath. That answer seemed too rehearsed, even for Lexa. Their friends praised her sincerely, saying that maybe they could all use that reminder sometimes. Octavia took the ball and passed it to Luna who declined to play. So they continued and just as Octavia steadied herself to take a shot of tequila, Clarke leaned back slowly on Lexa.

"You're surprisingly open. Is this still the medicine talking or what?"

"Last night of the world, love."

Clarke stared at her girlfriend, not exactly knowing how to react to such a calm regard about the end of the world. It was not that she knew Lexa had such a pragmatic view about her life and her death. It was that it brought out a different form of honesty that she was not prepared for.

As the game continued on, most of them have opted to take the shots and pass on the question. Raven even had gone three rounds of drinking vodka and two of whiskey until finally giving in to reveal a kiss she regretted. She spilled that her first kiss was Bellamy, much to the disgust of Octavia who called it incestuous. Anya sat frozen on her seat, not having had taken a single shot of liquor all game. Lexa, too. The two them had small, unreadable smiles plastered on their faces at how Clarke and Octavia grilled their friends.

“Look, would I take it back? Yeah but maybe also…no. That was when I decided she was into girls.”

“He’s that bad, huh?” Octavia muttered, frowning.

When the next round ensued, Octavia claimed that another memory she would rather forget was that one of her best friend’s first kiss was with her brother. It turned into a gag after that, whenever someone opted to drink. _Hey at least your first kiss was not Bellamy Blake, how bad could your confession turn out to be?_ Clarke laughed with them, she had resolved not to drink anymore. She gave her friends a meaningful look and they all wordlessly agreed that it was best she stayed sober. And aware of everyone else’s sobriety. If they were to be wasted on the last night of the world, they still needed a designated person to rally them back to their consciousness.

Clarke was sober enough to notice that both Anya and Lexa had stories upon stories to fend off every drink. And when Lexa mentioned a memory concerning her father – which basically sobered Lincoln up – she was finally convinced that in Lexa’s mind, tonight could really be the last night of the world. Clarke waited until the ball rolled to the next person before putting and arm around her girlfriend. She worried that Lexa perceived the theme of this game to be a little too real. When Lexa sought out the hand dangling on her shoulder and laced their fingers together, Clarke was reminded that she never does anything randomly.

Maybe tonight was the last night of the world and for some reason, the Commander of Blood had chosen to shed off her rank. Even for just a couple of hours.

Clarke listens to her laugh, how different it seemed, how free she was allowing herself. Almost like it was calling out to the rest of the world that she was ready. Like she was tempting fate. Like she was not scared. While the rest of them had enough alcohol to forget how bad the things are out there, Lexa had enough trust in everyone in that room to share parts of her.

Like she knew none of them would make it out to spread gossip anyway.

Clarke rested her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder, feeling like she was about to cry. Lucky for them, Abby finaly woke up and upon seeing how hammered Raven was at that point, made them stop playing. She eyed her daughter but did not say anything. They dispersed and Clarke started zoning out on Lexa’s shoulder. She could hear Raven snoring next to her, and Octavia and Lincoln whispering to each other. They were discussing the revelations made during the game. The two of them had just gotten around Abby’s obvious prying on all the things she missed when the door creaked open.

Luna was on her feet in a second, with Lincoln and Anya standing behind her, forming a formidable shield for the Commander. They did not need to. It was Indra and her men. The tower had been cleared enough for them to go back up. They took turns in using the room to change back into sets of normal clothes. When it was Clarke’s and Lexa’s time alone, Lexa grabbed Clarke by the waste and put the both of them in a standstill.

Clarke, with nothing but underwear on, frowned at her. Lexa breathed slowly, her unbuckled belt chiming with the rise and fall of her chest. Clarke still managed to blush at the site of her girlfriend in camos and a sports of bra. She knew Lexa had something to say but couldn’t find the words to say it. She tugged on her pants as her girlfriend’s hands held her by the hips.

“I know” she whispered to Lexa when they hugged loosely. “It’s okay, babe. We’re okay.”

Lexa exhaled sharply, resting her the side of her face on Clarke’s neck, still not saying anything. Clarke allowed her to just hold the two of them together until Lexa was ready to let go.

“Ready?” her voice was small when she finally let go.

Clarke smiled at her.

“Of course”

When they were both dressed, they left the bunker hand-in-hand and no one joked about it. Abby didn’t even comment on it. Nobody was in a chatty mood anyway, they were either trying to sober up to already too sober to joke. It was like a light switch and they were all turned back on to the lives that they had played a sort of eulogy last night.

Or that afternoon. Clarke had to she shield her eyes once they were already in the top levels. It was late afternoon. The sun’s glare hurt her eyes.

There really was no concept of time down in that bunker.

Abby was led directly to where the Arkadians were holed up and Clarke, surprising no one, chose to go with her as she delivered a speech addressing in front of their people who had gone through the whole incident. She stayed with her mom as their team discussed the pros and cons of delivering another speech- this time one that was broadcasted internationally. They eventually decided against it. It was still best that the truth about the Chancellor’s presence in Arkadia remained as confidential as it was possible.

Clarke and Abby walked out of their private offices when they were halted by their security teams. Clarke swore under her breath. If this was another precautionary quarantine on its way, she was going to throw a fit. As much as she does not have any problem spending alone time with the people she loved, another bout of confined proximity with all of them was going to send her off the edge. She needed open space. She needed to catch her breath. She needed just one night without emergency evacuations or medical mayhem.

It turned out, they weren’t stopped so they could be moved somewhere. They were interrupted so they can stay out of the way of an oncoming delegation.

“Lexa is welcoming guests?” Abby asked in surprise. “Those are soldiers—“

Clarke watched a a dozen uniformed soldiers march up the marble staircases leading to Lexa’s office. She recognized the Unit patch on their shoulders. She recognized the woman leading them.

Rhine Troops. Ontari.

She was back in Polis. And judging by their less than pristine appearance, it seems that the Cold Mountains have not been held. She was not their to update the Commander with developments of the war. She was there to deliver the last blow of their loss. Clarke had a sinking feeling in her stomach that the soldiers with her are the only survivors of the fighting.

“Mom, I’ll catch up with you later. There is something I need to—“

“I leave tomorrow”

Clarke sighed.

“I know. I’ll see you before then. I promise.”

Abby kissed her daughter on her forehead then reluctantly allowed her to leave. Once Clarke and her security team were out of earshot she called on Luna to walk with her.

“Down in the bunker, you didn’t play. Why?” she asked her in whispers.

“I was on the job, Ambass- Clarke.”

“You hiding something?”

“No.”

Clarke eyed the soldiers on their track and asked for some space as they waited for the elevator.

“You were with Lexan and Ontari training to be Commander” she said. “Did you know about all the things Anya and Lincoln revealed?”

“Ambassador, please-“

“Luna, I’m not asking you to tell me what you know. Just if you know about it”

Luna nodded.

“One last thing—down at the bunker, with the bombers. You didn’t freeze, did you?”

“It will not happen again—“

“Did you know him?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you shoot right away.”

Luna sighed sharply.

“Did you want to question him, Luna?”

“We have traitors everywhere. Whatever course of action we are on now are not weeding them out effectively.”

Clarke considered this. Luna made a decent point.

“The next time you’re opinion is asked, you gotta speak up” she said, sure that Luna still won’t.

Ever the soldier. Ever the follower.

Clarke thanked her and didn’t ask anything else. They entered her office and resumed positions like nothing had happened. Luna stood by the side of Clarke’s desk, quiet and alert. Nobody else was there. They must have taken Bellamy straight from quarantine into his investigation. She could not think about it. She could not think about all the things that he could have leaked. She could not think about how wrong she was.

Instead, she pulled out the locked case wherein she had stowed some of her dad’s journals. She looked for an entry she had read a couple of weeks ago that mentioned her. It was something about him having his own blood secured to jam the bomb’s trigger. At the time, Clarke called it a bad metaphor and was reminded that between Abby and Jake, her mom was better with the words.

But now she was sure it was not a metaphor.

She found the journal and flipped through the pages until she found it. There was a note, in pencil, at the ear of the page.

_“Only my blood, isolated from all, may have the hope to_ _force a wedge in this packages final flare.”_

“Okay, maybe it actually is still a bad metaphor—“ Clarke said, standing up.

She was sure now. She needed to have another go at the new journal Lexa had travelled to acquire but considering she memorized most of it already, she was sure. The answer they have been looking for has always been written. They just never figured it out because they were all read separately.

Isolated.

Removed from context.

Quarantine really does something to one’s perspective. Sometimes, being separated from “it all” also keeps you from seeing…”it.”

She locked the case once again and shoved it inside her safe.

“I need to see my mom” she told Luna. “Clear that with whoever you have to clear it with, please?”

Luna gave her a nod and exited the room. Clarke took out a smaller box from the safe. This one, she did not need to study. She just needed to keep it safe. She called out to Evira and after she deemed her unharmed from the poison or unshaken from the attacks, gave her the smaller box and told her to stow it away in her closet upstairs.

“Ambassador, your bedroom is not ready” Evira said. “It is still being decontaminated.”

“Right… Send that to my old room and tell the Commander’s team that’s where I’ll be staying. Oh, and Evira?”

“Yes, Ambassador?”

“Who told you it was still being decontaminated?”

“The Commander’s office called. Something about making sure no one has planted anything there in advance.”

There was something about that statement that sent waves of unease all over Clarke’s body. She thanked Evira and sent her off. When Luna came back, they left, making an out-of-the-way stop in Anya’s office. The bunker scene finally made sense to her now too.

Anya’s candor. Lincoln’s fast-paced sobriety. Lexa’s ease.

Ontari’s arrival.

Seeds planted in advance.

And the plan bloomed just as Ontari being in Polis must have completed the pieces.

Anya was not in her office and neither was Abby. Clarke found herself with nothing to do. She strolled around aimlessly at first until she remembered the children in the Children’s Wing. They must have been scared by the attack. Luckily, when she visited them, they were already getting ready to sleep. Clarke chatted with the doctor and offered help with the trauma, should they need it. Luna had to pull her away telling her that it was causing chatter all over the tower that the Ambassador was “not being secured.”

“It is the walking around” Luna explained.

Clarke smirked but did not make Luna’s job any harder. She made her way to her old bedroom, and sure enough, it was already prepared for a night for two.

“Good night, Luna. Get some rest” she bid before shutting the door.

Clarke knew she was not going to get some sleep until Lexa finds her way to her. She picked up a tattered old sketchbook that she must have left behind during her move. There were still old sets of pencils and charcoals in her former desk. The sun was down and the light was poor in the balcony but she still enjoyed the air.

She started sketching.

A place, far away. Far away from the bombs, the poison, the destiny she was being reminded of.

By the time Clarke looked up it was already too dark in the city. She moved back in her room and set her finished sketch on the table, her heart stopping when she saw she was not alone in the room.

“I swear I just died” she said when she could breathe again. “Don’t you knock anymore?’

Anya’s face was unreadable but she offered a courtesy apology.

“I was told you were in my office earlier” she said when they sat down on armchairs, across the coffee table.

“I needed to confirm something with you.”

Anya hid a smile but not quite fast enough to make Clarke think that she really did want to have it hidden.

“Proceed” she said crisply, leaning back and relaxing her chair.

Clarke rested her elbows on her spread lap, sitting like Octavia when she wanted to interrogate someone.

“You knew that Ontari was going to show up here” she posed, not asking anymore.

“Yes.”

“You knew she was going to put Lexa in an impossible situation.”

“Yes.”

“You knew that Lexa would hear her out.”

‘Yes” Anya answered once more, her frustration seeping out of the smile she was fake hiding behind her eyes.

“You knew there was a chance that it would boil down to Arkadia’s intel versus whatever she brought with her.”

“Yes.”

“You knew Lexa would pick hers”

“Yes.”

“That’s why you spilled more than you should at the bunker” Clarke half-frowned and half-smirked. “To remind Lexa about Ontari’s history. To make me not trust her. To discredit her to everybody. Including Lincoln. Again.”

“Yes.”

“Lexa expected Ontari to arrive here, didn’t she?”

“Yes.”

“And she played along with the game so none of us would have the piece together the same information she has now.”

“The answer to that, you will have to ask the Commander.”

“But she has the information now.”

“Yes”

“You beat her to it, didn’t you? You figured out Ontari’s intel before Lexa.”

Anya finally smiled darkly.

“Yes” she said slowly, her shoulders less relaxed than before.

“And you don’t like it.”

“No, I do not” Anya shook her head.

“You don’t want Lexa to act on it.”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Why?” Clarke wondered more than she asked.

“Because we were there in the Cold Mountains, Clarke” Anya replied, standing up slowly, her eyes outside the balcony, waging into the darkness. “And the Commander could have died. And until I can prove that Ontari did not have any sort of participation in it, any intel she has, is poison worse than the one that quarantined us.”

“You could have just—“

“No. I could not have just told all of you.”

“Why the hell not?” Clarke asked, standing up too.

“I had orders not to tell you anything about the Cold Mountains.”

“You told me now. Why?”

Anya smiled at her, the way she always does when she pitied her.

“Because the Commander is about to put you in the situation she was just in an hour ago” she replied, heading towards the door. She paused on her way out, everything about her alert but also patiently understanding about the ordeal she felt Clarke was about to be subjected to. “Think fast, Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke blinked at the shut door. She will probably never get used to Anya’s psychic ways. She took one glance at her sketch, hoping they could go on vacation instead of fighting a war on all fronts. She headed straight to the bathroom to get cleaned up. She expected empty cupboards but they were all re-stocked. She could really use a long bath right now but she heard her door open and close. She hurriedly got cleaned up and put on boxers and an oversized ARMY t-shirt.

"Hey” she greeted Lexa. “I laid out some clothes for you."

Lexa didn’t seem to hear her. She was standing by the table, holding the sketch in one hand. Clarke tugged on her shirt and when she looked up, her eyes dark with concern.

"When did you draw this?" she asked.

"Just now. Why?"

"Have you been here?"

Clarke shook her head, starting to worry over how a drawing seemed to scare her girlfriend.

"This is an island a few hours away from the one I took you to” Lexa explained, regaining her composure. “Remember that date?"

"All dates you plan are memorable, babe” Clarke smiled, rubbing Lexa’s arm soothingly. “Is this sketch bothering you?"

"No. It simple is odd timing."

"Why is that?"

Lexa sat on the couch and pulled Clarke on top of her. Clarke allowed herself to be cradled, missing private intimacy and unguided actions. She cuddled into Lexa, unable to stop herself from counting her heartbeats again. Lexa kissed her forehead nervously.

"It's an emergency command center” she said quietly, hands tight around the girl on her lap. “Although it has hardly been used as such. The last time was over a century ago."

"Okay?"

"The last great war in which a female Commander died."

"Oh” Clarke immediately understood. It has been a while since they have discussed the legend and prophecy surrounding them. And since she has not been completely honest with the details regarding her dreams, they had no reason to suspect that this part of them was still active. She looked up at Lexa and tried on an encouraging smile. “Well, this isn't the first time I ever drew something from...you know, the past."

"It is the first time you drew something not personal. I do not have personal connection to it, Clarke. Not from this life."

"Baby, why do you look like you're about to hurl?"

Lexa looked away, gently nudging on Clarke to hug her.

Clarke smiled before cuddling back into her, murmuring that whatever it was she was worried about they can face together.

"I am to go there” Lexa confessed stoicly.

Clarke gulped.

Anya knew about this before she came over. And because she said that it was going to be an impossible situation, it must mean that all the details have already been sorted out. Lexa was not going to ask her opinion nor was she going to consult Clarke’s place in all this. She was simply deliverying the news, probably going to give out direct orders.

And say goodbye.

Again.

"When?" Clarke asked.

"Tomorrow. By dawn. I am scheduled to leave the Tower indefinitely."

"Indefinitely? Why?"

"The force field is reacting badly to the blast” Lexa loosened her embrace and Clarke slid down on the couch next to her, their hands still linked. “It is still up and it is currently functioning. But I cannot be sure of its reliability. I fear the risk of staying here has now exponentially grown. I have ordered a full system check but there has been no guarantees how long that would take. I cannot risk another attack. We could all be dead in days if we just sit here. I need to be in a station wherein I can control everything."

"Are you going to...fight?" Clarke asked, not at all worried about the tower’s security.

"Yes."

"Has the fighting reached that island?"

"No.”

Clarke frowned and prompted for more details with a look saying that she knew Lexa was holding something back,

“It is closer to active areas” Lexa confessed, her voice showing hints of thrill.

Like she liked this risk.

"Active battlegrounds."

"Yes. It has been strategically chosen as an emergency base because of its location."

"So you’re fleeing from the uncertainties the attack made on the tower's security to the certainty of danger in an island less secure?"

"Correct” Lexa hid a confident grin.

"Oh, please be a little more excited."

"I am sure of this move, Clarke.”

Clarke stared at her slightly insulted that that statement was posed as though it was enough to pacify the craziness of this plan. She stood up from the couch, not knowing where to go exactly. She can’t walk out of this conversation because she knew Lexa was going to leave in a few hours, whether they settled this matter or not. Even then, she was not about to let her go to active battlegrounds with their last conversation verging on a fight.

She sighed in frustration before angrily sitting down on the armchair Anya earlier occupied.

Impossible situation.

She scoffed.

“You’re staring” she muttered at Lexa, not meeting her eyes.

“I worry about you."

“Me?” Clarke could have laughed if she weren’t fighting back tears. “You’re literally heading off to war“

“That is not what is bothering me”

"I understand protocol--"

"Not protocol.”

Clarke wiped the single tear that had escaped to her cheek. Lexa knew how scared she was. She knew that Clarke’s go-to reaction whenever she could not change anything was to either talk her way out of it or…pick a fight with a girlfriend who would almost-always let her win. But right now, she was utterly exhausted. They have had not a single moment to catch their breaths. The talks, the bombs, the escape...all of it, and now they were to say goodbye and Clarke can’t do anything about it except hide how much she hated it.

Because she is, after all, a dutiful partner.

“You…” she stammered. “You get hurt faster before you heal.”

“I heal” Lexa assured her.

“No, you don’t, babe” Clarke argued. “You haven’t even recovered yet.”

She reached over and poked Lexa’s bad shoulder, making a point when her girlfriend hissed in pain,

“You haven’t recovered from any of your injuries since you became Commander but you rush off to collect more.”

“Collect?”

“Lexa, I’m not gonna stop you but I need you to stop worrying about me worrying about you. Do you realize how ridiculous that sentence just sounded?”

Lexa chuckled and Clarke groaned.

“This is not funny”

“I know. But you are.”

Clarke fumed but before she could go another round of rant, Lexa grabbed her face and kissed her slowly.

So slow, you wouldn’t think they were pressed for time.

Clarke relaxed into the kiss, her tongue dancing with Lexa’s. She wanted to stay like that. Forget a vacation. She wanted a week of just laying in bed with her girlfriend, completely devoid of any responsibilities.  

“All better?” Lexa whispered against her lips.

“You can’t just kiss me and think you’re off the hook, you know” Clarke muttered, knowing fully well she already lost.

“I can try” Lexa smiled. “Listen, love, we still need to discuss your arrangements.”

“Bunker again?”

Clarke leaned back on the armchair, waiting for Lexa to offer her whatever options were available.

“Your duty is to your people” Lexa started, seemingly more nervous about this part of the conversation than she was about telling her overly-concerned girlfriend that she was heading off to war. “I cannot take you away from them. Not anymore. But I will not have you unprotected.”

“What are my choices?”

Lexa cleared her throat uneasily.

“I have arranged for your transfer to an undisclosed bunker” she said, phrasing her words carefully, so as to avoid any misunderstanding.

Clarke caught the emphasis on ‘bunker’ meaning there was only one. There weren’t any choices. This was it.

“It is the safest one I have” Lexa promised. “You can run your office from there and you shall be safe from any nuclear residue. Should we come to that. And… You leave tomorrow."

Lexa stared and gauged her reaction.

Clarke blinked if solely to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

"I'm so glad I'm being consulted in this decision” she snapped.

"Your mother agreed” Lexa countered quickly.

"Again, I'm glad to have been part of the conversation that led to this."

"Clarke--"

"I'm not going to be difficult.”

“Begs the question—“

“I’m not going to be difficult tomorrow” Clarke amened her statement. “But I will say that maybe you should have known by now, I refuse to be hidden away when all the people I love are fighting."

"Did no one ever tell you that the fight can kill you?"

"It can kill you."

"Of which I am aware and prepared for. I, however, am not prepared to see you harmed.”

Clarke scoffed, standing up and pacing again. How difficult was it to make it clear to someone that no part of her was ready to see them die?

“Oh, I’ve had plenty of time to accept your death wish?” she roared.

“Please be reminded that you already said you would not stop me” Lexa said calmly.

“I’m not telling you how to do your job. You told me once before not to handle you. Can you afford me the same courtesy?”

Clarke stopped pacing. She looked at Lexa, her eyes bleeding out exhaustion. She was not tired of the hiding, or the running or even her life threats. She was tired of all of this.

She was tired of saying goodbye. She was tired of being okay with things she was not nearly okay with. She was tired of having to argue and discuss everything only to come to a conclusion that she never stood a chance at winning anyway. She was tired of telling Lexa that she can’t just accept death. She was tired of being scared because death was what was waiting for Lexa outside these towers.

She was tired of having to fight to keep her girlfriend alive.

“I feel like this is a trick” Lexa said slowly, trying to catch up with Clarke’s thoughts. “How exactly should I feel about this?”

“You feel whatever the hell you want to feel” Clarke snapped again. She sighed grudgingly, digging deeper for an ounce of patience she was not sure she still had. “But where I go next, talk to me about it first. You can’t just book me a ticket without asking me if I want to go.”

“This is not about what we want—“

“No shit, Lexa. Because I don’t want you to go away without me and I don’t want you to die. And you don’t want to hear it but you’re hearing it. Don’t tell me this is not about what we want. Look around, babe, no one is getting what they want.”

Lexa’s eyes flared and for a second, Clarke’s heart dropped into a pit. She was sure Lexa was the one who will end up walking out of here. But when merely sat there, biting her lip, Clarke realized that she too was digging deep for patience she no longer had.

“When the system check is done, I will have you transferred back here” Lexa said in her work voice, completely side-stepping Clarke’s point about the prophecy. “And I shall do my best to join you shortly."

Clarke nodded absentmindedly. She sat back down on the armchair, her body completely giving in to all the weight thrown upon it. She wanted to just throw in the towel, quit, move back to Arkadia and maybe all of this would turn out to be a horrible nightmare that has gone on way too long. But that would mean that she would wake up without Lexa next to her. That was just unimaginable. That would defeat the purpose of all this stress. She closed her eyes feeling Lexa on the couch next to her.

Maybe they just rest.

Beat.

Maybe if they stay still long enough, the rest of the world passes them over. Or maybe they can just pretend that the universe finally decided to throw them a bone and allowed them to carry on with their lives.

Beat.

No, she can’t just lie there. There was something else that bothered her. Something that may have made Lexa relax because she originally did not pick up on it. Clarke took a peak with her one eye at where her girlfriend was sitting back, eyes closed, breathing even, face calm, on the couch.

"Why do you sound like you're not even sure you're coming back at all?" she asked, her fears quieter than the shake in her voice.

Lexa smiled, keeping her eyes closed. Clarke knew it was because she did not want her to see how scared she was too. Her voice, she can control. Her eyes, not so much. It was exactly as Anya said. They can’t lie to each other because their souls know the other all too well.

"I will find my way home to you” she promised very tranquilly.

“You just can’t promise when” Clarke pointed out.

Lexa smiled again. She sighed and finally gazed at Clarke, her face framed with a mischievous and knowing smile. She really was confident about their move and she really didn’t worry about herself. She knows a lot more than Clarke and she was keeping what she knew to herself…for now. It was enough to drive any girlfriend insance but at this rate, Clarke was all out of insane cards to play.

“I just make no promises when” Lexa confirmed. “On that day, we will talk about wherever you want to go next. Is that amenable?"

No. But Clarke couldn’t say that.

"How far is the island from the nearest active battleground?" she asked instead, cussing when she walked over to the desk and found it nearly empty. She suddenly missed Lexa’s desk upstairs which was full of maps.

"Far enough to be a command center” Lexa replied, standing next to her. She grabbed the nearest paper and drew an ‘x’ connecting it to a flag a few inches away. She frowned at her work of art. It didn’t explain anything. “Not far enough to have a sound sleep."

"What will happen to the War Room here?"

"Still active. Only my most trusted War Council will go with me."

Clarke nodded, that made sense. She sat on the table and slumped her shoulders, scenarios of this arrangement already running through her mind.

"I don't like this" she said defeatedly.

"I know, love"

"If we are facing the worst, I refuse to be without you."

Lexa leaned against Clarke’s knees, still very much serene in her certainty.

"I will always be with you."

Clarke’s spine hit up a surge of electricity sending chills to the hairs at the back of her neck and on her arms. She did not doubt this vow. She knew it was true…in this life or the next. In this lifetime or the countless that were to follow. In this universe or wherever else their souls may travel to.

It was not the sincerity she questioned.

"That sounded a lot like goodbye” she said.

Lexa’s lips twitched on the side.

"I was aiming for something else, actually” she murmured mischievously, kissing her side of Clarke’s neck, her hand slowly inching up between her thighs.

Clarke tried to ignore the advances, meeting Lexa’s hand and bringing it up to her lips. She kissed it pressing her knuckles against her cheek.

 "How much time do we have?" she asked seriously.

"Tonight” Lexa replied. We have tonight. I leave before dawn.”

“And me?”

“After I leave. I have to leave first. No one can see me go. There will be rumors that I have fled. Let them flutter.”

“And what if they find out they aren’t rumors?”

Lexa shook her head, sure that it wouldn’t happen. Clarke nudged her with the hand she was holding. It was still a possibility and she needed to know that if they were to be separated, Lexa has accounted for everything there is to account for.

“Brave men have stayed and lost their heads. I will keep mine... No one but my most trusted can know that I have isolated myself into an offensive position."

"And my friends?"

"They go with you” Lexa said simply. “They have a duty to you. They do not answer to me anymore.”

Clarke turned silent. Lexa really have thought of everything.

Down to the possibility of her demise, it seems.

“For tonight and for how ever long we shall be separated, we must be clear on who we all answer to” Lexa continued, narrating her reasons for releasing everyone from their roles. “If our duties dictate that we shall be quarantined from a world we are trying to save, then it shall be best to spend the loneliest of our dutiful moments with those who are just as alone as we are."

Clarke’s head almost went into a whiplash as she remembered Lincoln's words from when they were in the containment unit together.

_When you await for someone else's fortune to take shape, it is always best to share the gravity of it all, with those just as alone as you are._

"Baby, tonight the only duty I have is to the woman I love."

Lexa was surprised by the force in Clarke’s whisper, so much so that she was caught completely off guard when Clarke hopped off the desk and pushed her down against it. She gulped nervously and Clarke smiled deviously.

Clarke started kissing her hungrily, picking up exactly where Lexa had wanted to lead them off to.

“Clarke—“ Lexa whispered nervously, her knees already buckling at how quickly her girlfriend has managed to pull her pants off. “If this is goodbye sex—“

“It’s not” Clarke promised, nibbling at her ear.

Lexa shuddered as Clarke sucked at her neck.

Clarke propped herself up on her palms, body tired but every bit still craving for the woman pinned under her.

“This is long overdue welcome back sex” she tried to joke, her voice shaking, faltering at Lexa’ beauty. She took off her own shirt as Lexa tugged on it weakly, seemingly unable to come up with enough energy to tear it off. She leaned down and met Lexa’s lips deeply.

Clarke could taste Lexa’s own hunger, her own desperation to be with her. She could taste the longing that they both tried to ignore, the fears they were both trying to silence and the utter need for the other’s company.

She had just managed to pull off Lexa’s shirt when she felt her hand between her legs. She has never regretted putting on boxers more than she did now. She grabbed Lexa’s hand gently, asking her to stop.

Not yet.

Lexa groaned, her ravenousness turning her eyes dark. Clarke scolded her with a look, kissing her just between her breasts. Lake groaned again, the anticipation making her body shake. She reached up for Clarke’s breasts, hitting the pencil holder and sending it flying on the floor. She chuckled nervously as Clarke ignored the clutter, beating her to what she had planned and kissing each of her breasts with arduous dedication.

Clarke waited until she could hear her girlfriend whimper under her. She laced her tongue slowly from Lexa’s breast to her navel, sucking it slowly, feeling how much uncontrollable and involuntary buckling was under her. Her hand found Lexa’s core, dangerously close to being…close. She started massaging her opening with one finger, the other one circling her clit with familiarity.

Lexa had always half-joked that it was Clarke’s special skill. Have her fingers do separate things at the same time, with the exact same efficiency.

Clarke always blushed when it was mentioned but never passed on the opportunity to pleasure her girlfriend with it. She pressed her body against Lexa, creating a rhythm both of them enjoyed. She sought out her eyes, hand still at work, knees carefully making sure Lexa doesn’t shiver off their hold. Lexa’s eyes were deep in delight, she was close, too early.

Clarke slowed the circles she was making, making Lexa whimper once more, a complaint slipping off her gritted teeth. It must have felt like hours to her. The clock must have ticked way too slowly to her. She was not used to Clarke putting her through too much build up. Hell, Clarke was not used to putting her through too much build-up.

But the soft surrender in her eyes was such a turn one that she could not help but tease her a little more, her finger’s pressure slipping off slightly around Lexa’s already wet core.

Clarke met her lips, kissing her intensely, her tongue almost knotting with hers. Lexa grabbed her hair with both hands, gripping a little too tightly, moaning into their kiss, her legs shaking uncontrollably. She was holding off from begging Clarke to go down on her but she was about to lose that. Clarke kissed her neck, picking up pace with her finger, thrusting with them, finally slipping two into her.

Lexa wanted more, and she called out for it, digging her fingers onto Clarke’s back, asking her to pick up pace. Clarke could feel Lexa’s core crumbling in her fingers, she thrusted faster, kissing her way down her girlfriend’s body just as Lexa’s panting picked up pace and volume. Clarke smiled as she made one deep thrust, her hips pressing her hand into Lexa, curling her fingers just as Lexa yelled out her name.

Clarke showered kisses on her girlfriend’s neck and breast, gently taking her fingers out just as Lexa juiced out, shaking her climax off. Clarke kneeled over her, spreading Lexa’s legs more than they already were.

She felt lucky that this was not a question in that drinking.

_What would you want to do if tonight was the last night of the world?_

Clarke would spend it doing her girlfriend.

It was sound dirtier than romantic but it was the truth.

Lexa had thrown her head back on the table, body still shaking, hands, seeking out Clarke.

That look alone was enough to send Clarke on an edge of her own but she was not done. She still had business to attend to. She teased Lexa, running her wet fingers down her thigh, making her girlfriend involuntarily close her legs. Clarke tsk-ed and spread them apart again with a kiss. She knew Lexa was still recovering from coming but, this was one rare occasion that she would wait for her to ride off her high. She kissed her on the thighs, leaving trails of nibbles because kissing her on the clit.

She heard Lexa cuss as she gripped the table, stopping her self from crushing her girlfriend’s head between her legs. She cussed again when Clarke started sucking on her.

Beat.

Clarke could feel her coming again as her tongue made its way inside her.

Beat. Beat.

To her, Lexa never tasted this good.

Like the time apart did that magical thing of making them miss each other more. Like the fear coursing through their bodies was an extra spice. Like the impending goodbye had raised their need for each other to an all new high.

Clarke twisted her tongue just as Lexa fell silent. She held onto her girlfriend’s knees, feeling the electricity run all over Lexa’s body.

Silence.

Beat.

She felt Lexa’s hand on her head, asking her to go deeper.

Clarke didn’t need telling her twice.

She heard her name escaped Lexa’s lips in a whisper. She didn’t need to hear it being screamed. She felt it from Lexa’s core. She wiped her mouth and kissed her way up to Lexa’s body, slumping against her neck, allowing her weight to hold down Lexa in place.

Clarke took a deep breath, breathing in-sync with Lexa who finally managed to move her legs and wrapped them around her. She felt her girlfriend trying to push her off of her, as though trading places with her.

“It’s okay babe” she murmured, knowing exactly what Lexa was trying to do.

Knowing too that when she started this, she was going to wear out what was left of Lexa’s physical energy.

“No…” Lexa protested, kissing her by the neck.

“It’s okay” Clarke pressed. She looked up at her, seeing the dark circles under her eyes. “I’m good, baby.”

“I want to” Lexa persisted, her sincerity and hunger dancing with her fatigue. She was still shaking and she hated how much Clarke could see it.

“Nap, then we’ll go at it for as long as you want to” Clarke winked.

“Shut up” Lexa pouted.

Clarke craned her neck and kissed her on the lips, leaving Lexa breathless and shaking under her weight. Her hands weakly running down Clarke’s back.

“Nap first” Clarke told her quietly. “Don’t worry. I will keep count and collect”

Lexa smiled shyly at her, kissing her again before finally nodding and closing her eyes. Clarke felt her relax, completely at ease with taking on both of their weight. She drew small circles on Clarke’s back until they slowed down lazily. Clarke slid off of her gently, lying on her side and hugging her instead. She felt Lexa’s hand slip from her back to her butt where it resumed its lazy circles.

Clarke waited until the movement slowed to a stop and Lexa’s breathing finally steadied from pant. She kissed her on the neck allowed herself to sleep wrapped loosely in the arms of the love of her life.

If dreams threatened to invade her peace, they never made it passed the gate. Clarke always woke up just before her dreams turned into anything beyond ghosts of clouds. She checked on Lexa, still sleeping soundly. She rested her head in Lexa’s still open arms, settling her hand on her stomach. She got up from the table, realizing how hard it actually was when she felt her back complain a little. She dragged the blanket from the bed and wrapped the two of them under it. Lexa stirred slightly, body instinctively looking for Clarke’s, only going back to full sleep when her girlfriend resumed her spot.

Clarke changed her mind, as she fell asleep to the sound of her girlfriend’s heartbeat.

This was how she wanted to spend the last night of the world.

Beat.

Silence.

Peace.

Lexa.

Dreamless sleep and Lexa.

Beat.

Time passed slowly. But not slowly enough. The ticking grew louder.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Clarke felt the gleam of the moon strike at her eyes. She rolled on her back, unslinging her arm around her girlfriend’s waist, cursing slightly at the hard surface of the table. Lexa still had her back on her, unfazed by the lack of a mattress or any cushion on the desk. Her tattoos, half-concealed by their shared blanket - were shining brightly against the moon’s beam outside. Clarke sat up and started putting on some clothes. She got some pillows from the bed and put them in her place just in case Lexa rolls over when she wakes up. She kissed her forehead, zipped up her hoodie and made the short walk to where her mother was staying, closely followed by that night’s shift of guards.

Before going in, she handed a note to one of the soldiers, to be delivered immediately to Octavia. She knew Octavia won’t have questions, at least not one that demanded answers right away. She pushed the door of her mom’s suite open without knocking.

It was not like anyone was actually getting sleep. Unless they just got laid…real good.

“Hey, mom” she greeted her mother who looked like she just finished packing. “Ready to go?”

Abby gave her bags a look then motioned for her guard to bring them out and giving her and her daughter some privacy.

“Yes” Abby replied in a tired voice. “Ready to see me off or are you finally coming home with me?”

“Lexa told me about the plan” Clarke grinned with a slight annoyance.

“Good. You agreed to it?”

“Didn’t really have much of a choice, now did I?”

Abby smirked.

“She said you would react badly. I told her I know but none of us have the luxury of nursing egos.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. Of course her mother would take the time to insert a lesson in this scenario. She pretty much already learned what she needed to learn tonight but it may not be what her mother was going for. Hell, it wasn’t exactly what Lexa was going for. But the sentiment remained, they all must take what they can get.

“Anyway, I did tell her I need see you safely out of Polis.”

“Well, I am on my way out.”

Clarke nodded, wanting to tell her mom that she actually did want them to stick together. But they can’t. And it had nothing to do with security and everything to do with strategy. They had too many fronts to fight and the best move for them now is to divide and conquer. The world needs to see her mother strong. They need to see her in Arkadia, running things and firing the offensive. Their people need to see that she has not abandoned them.

As for her, the same as what Lexa said. She needed to isolate herself from the situation. They must think that she was tucked away safely, unable to make the deals she had been known to orchestrate. They must believe that she was nowhere close to the war. That she was cut off completely from the people she loved. That if the worst did befall her loved ones, she was not in a position to fight off the effects.

They both needed to play their parts and their parts need to stay as separate as long as possible.

“Before you go, mom, you need to know something I’m pretty sure of.”

Abby squinted at her, trying to read what she was about to say. Her eyes flickered when Clarke tried to look away.

“You have to be the one to stop it, don’t you?” Abby whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, Jake…”

“Don’t blame him now…not when he can’t defend himself.”

Abby had a sad fondness in her eyes, the words on her lips unable to form coherently.

“This was…rather anti-climactic” she mused, part of her still hoping that Clarke was joking. “This is definite?”

“Yeah… I think it’s fairly clear that it requires my DNA. Dad had left enough clues to point that it can’t be yours. You’re not related. It has to be me.”

“How?”

“That part I have yet to confer with Raven and with stacks of research we managed to steal” Clarke said slyly. She sat on the nearest armchair, aware that her body still has not recovered from accepting that it was tired. The sight of her mother leaving, dismayed at what her late father had left behind, was not helping. “But I’m pretty sure dad isolated his DNA into a compound which bonded with the nuclear particles in the bomb. It’s really not that different from how the antidote works…”

“You mean…?”

“A mixing of the poisoned blood with the cure? You two always did have the same ideas.”

“Clarke—“

“Mother, I am not mad. I don’t really have an opinion on this anymore…” Clarke sighed, massaging her temples. “I am simply telling you that I need you to work this shit out because when push comes to shove, I’m gonna have to look for this bomb and literally bleed to diffuse it.”

Abby stared at her, sadness evident in her eyes. She didn’t have any opinions and fight in her anymore. They both have come to a point that they were just too tired to fight it out with each other. A fire had burned off somewhere. The remaining flares were barely holding on just long enough to fire off at their enemies. They burned too quickly, too hot, too fast. And they had too many blows aimed at each other for so long before realizing that they would both end up in this moment.

“I hate leaving you” she murmured, hugging her daughter.

“I’ve gotten pretty used to being left behind, weird as that sounds” Clarke said sheepishly, holding onto her mother’s waist. It was not self-pity. It was stating a fact that she had come to accept. “What’s one more case of alone time, right?”

Abby released her and got down on her knees. She held onto Clarke’s hands, desperation in her eyes. She needed these next words to ring true and never forgotten. She had come to accept that her daughter doesn’t need her to survive anymore. If anything, she needed Clarke more. She was living in a world where her daughter has accomplished more without her than she ever has in the perfect life they have carved out of her.

Clarke was ready to march out of this tower and face the horrors they were still shielding her from. She was all-too willing to walk out into that world, alone. She doesn’t have to. She never has to. No matter what her father have drawn for her. No matter how far her mother’s path was leading off to. No matter the decisions her girlfriend has made.

“You are never alone” Abby said of the only thing she was sure of right now. “I promise you that.”

“I love you, mom.”

“I love you too, Clarke” she said, hugging her daughter tearfully. “I will see you soon, okay?”

“You bet.”

Clarke walked with her mom to the roof. A chopper was waiting to bring her to the airport. They hugged once. She stayed on the roof until the helicopter was no longer in sight. When she turned, she found Luna and Octavia standing next to each other, already dressed in their traveling uniform. Luna’s face was as frozen as the night air. She, at least looked rested and ready for whatever Clarke was about to put them through. Octavia had a smirk on her face. Her gaze was out in the dark, no doubt saying her own farewells to the Chancellor she has come to love as a mother. When Clarke invited her with a look to head out, she did not seemed surprised that they weren’t staying in.

The two of them escorted Clarke to her room.

It was empty now.

Lexa must have left already. If Abby had just left, it must mean that in a couple of minutes, it was the Commander’s turn. Even these things were timed to perfection. Every exit must be done with enough cover in order not to disturb the environment they were trying to protect. Lexa had said that she needs to leave before anybody could see her. She was not leaving without a goodbye but Clarke had to catch up to her because that is one plane that will not wait for anyone.

Even for her.

Even now. Or especially now.

“Luna, please make sure everything is set?” Clarke instructed. “Bring my bags down?”

Luna picked up the bags on the floor and went out. Clarke waited until another guard came in to carry out a bag full of her dad’s journals and another one with her art supplies.

“You’re really doing this” Octavia said quietly, as she opened Clarke’s safe.

Clarke blinked at her, realizing that she was not surprised how her best friend knows that combination. Octavia shrugged at her, handing her two small locked boxes. Clarke gave her the one that contained her father’s journal from the tunnels of the Cold Mountains. She traced her initials on the smaller box she still held in her hand. She smiled at Octavia, asking for some privacy.

Octavia understood but gave her a fair warning to hurry up.

When she shut the door behind her, Clarke quickly unlocked the box and she was met with an all-too familiar handwriting. Now, she has read this way too many times in the past few days. She knew every word, she knew the consequences and she knew the design. She was not reading it again to study it. She was not looking for mistakes or loopholes. She was not looking for lies or hidden meanings.

There was no riddle to it. There never was.

If she only learned how to open her eyes before and read between the lines, she would have known that the answers she thought were eluding her had always been fairly clear. That the words she wanted to be armed with have been laid out for her long before she even demanded for them. That she never needed to search for them. They have always, always been there.

And now, she didn’t need to remind herself that they were still true.

More than anything, she was reading for solace.

The decisions they have all made in the last couple of hours offer no backdoor to escape to. There was no turning back after tonight. When those planes leave, when they all head off to where they were supposed to be, there was not take-backs. When Lexa said they were isolating themselves from the world, that was in every literal sense.

The world must never find them until they were ready to be found.

She locked the box, the words safely sitting inside.

This was right.

Clarke tucked the box in her messenger bag, changed into traveling clothes and met her security team outside.

“Raven’s waiting in the elevators” Octavia informed her, confirming what Lexa had said about releasing her friends from whatever bound them to Polis. “Now or never, Princess.”

“Let’s go catch us a plane.”

The four of them rode silently in the elevator. They made no rest stops as they climbed up the stairs to the roof top. The scene that met them was completely different from the one when she sent her mother off. Two small fighter planes were standing by one the upper landing pads with a bigger seaplane already ready for takeoff.

Lexa was standing just a few feet away from them, dressed in a long leather coat, her hair tucked neatly inside a beret with her own insignia. Anya stood beside her, smiling slightly when she saw them approach. It was almost as though she expecting them. She locked eyes with Raven and whatever it was they were fighting about, was already settled behind closed doors. She gave Luna a look and the latter led her unit and half of Octavia’s up the stairs to where one fighter plane was waiting.

Anya tilted her head at Octavia and Raven and the two of them followed her up Lexa’s private jet, leaving Clarke alone with the Commander of Blood.

Lexa frowned at her.

Clarke shrugged.

She was not going to be left behind.

Lexa did not ask what she was doing there. She did not demand an explanation. Clarke did not have one anyway. They stood facing each other, can hardly hear anything from the cacophony of the plane’s engine. Lexa looked like she still had a protest in her. She still refused to step aside and allow her girlfriend passage to plane.

Clarke stood her ground.

She was not going to be left behind.

She was also starting to freeze up there but she was too stubborn to put on her traveling coat, tucked safely in her bag. She held Lexa’s gaze. Technically, she never agreed to leaving with the team Lexa set up for her. She gave her the slightest of smirks. She only ever agreed not to be difficult come morning and right now, in her head, she was not the one being difficult. She was not the one delaying their departure. She was there right on time and if they end up leaving behind schedule, it was because Lexa won’t step aside and let her up the plane.

Clarke raised an eyebrow, tapping her bag impatiently.

Lexa blinked at her, her frustration clear.

Clarke tapped her bag again, as though asking her girlfriend what else was she supposed to do.

She was not going to get anything done while they were separated. Was that healthy? Probably not but neither was the need to rush off into war. She knew that Lexa put on a brave front of being separated but she was already obviously worried sick about the fact that she will not have her close. And if either of them were not a hundred percent focused on their tasks at hand, this disaster will go down as the worst in history.

They both had to cop up to the simple truth that they were still, irrevocably, better together.

Clarke has already made this vow when she was clear about choosing this life. When she chose to be with Lexa, she chose to be with her in every sense.

In life. In death.

In fight and flight.

Now and always.

Clarke was going with Lexa, no matter what.

No matter what, she conveyed, allowing Lexa to take the deepest of dives into her soul. Anya had said that all it ever took was one peak. She was giving way more than that now. She was telling her what she never could in words.

She was telling that they didn’t have sex to say goodbye. She was telling her that when she left the room a few hours ago, it was not because she was scared to see her off. She was telling her that she was not going with her because she does not think Lexa will survive without her.

She was telling her she was going with her because that’s just how things are now.

Clarke was getting on that plane, going wherever in heaven or hell with Lexa, because that’s where she belongs.

Her place was with Lexa. Her duty was no longer with Arkadia. It hasn’t been for a while. She loves Arkadia and that was why she still dedicated herself to its salvation. But that was not duty. It was just something that’s part of her. She cannot shake it off.

The same way that Lexa is part of her now too.

The biggest part.

She was not going to be left behind.

Where Lexa goes, she goes too.

No matter what.

Lexa sighed, the air around her going up in heavy fog. She stepped to the side, bowing down slowly. That was a first.

Anya, waiting by the plane’s door, has never seen it before – the Commander bowing to anyone. It scared her. She did know what it meant or what it could mean. She just knew she was intruding in the moments. She went inside and sat across Octavia and Raven who were staring out the window.

A red light flashed from the pilot’s cockpit.

They had a minute left before take-off.

Clarke took one step and held out her hand. Lexa took it without a word.

Clarke sighed as they stepped onto the plane and headed in the small private cabin. They took their seats, an aisle apart. She glanced over to where Lexa was, eyes closed, trying to ignore the fact that she had just allowed her girlfriend to go into a warzone with her. Clarke smiled at Anya who popped her head in, telling them they were taking off. She smirked at Clarke, quietly letting her know that she was not going to be intruding on them for the entire flight.

They were being left alone.

Clarke stared down as the lights of Polis became nothing more than dots.

There were people down there counting on them. There were kids down there she had promised bedtime stories to. There were soldiers who were more than willing to lay down their lives for the Commander they fight for.

There were too many lives already lost and could still be lost if they played their cards wrong.

Clarke wondered whether now was the time to tell Lexa that she knows how to detonate the bomb. Well, maybe not ‘how’ but she was now sure that the bomb could be detonated. And if they figured it out, Arkadia would be spared from the effects of the attack.

But the people down there, the people oblivious to the fact that their greatest champion was flying off to fight a war they were not sure they can win anymore, will suffer for it.

She decided against opening the topic up now. She had just won an argument to get on this plane a few minutes ago. She was not about to risk getting thrown off. She knew her girlfriend’s patience was running on an all-time low. It was best not to tempt it. Besides, there were no rewards to be reaped from bringing this up. No rewards yet. She did not know how long their flight was going to be. Just that they were going to spend it away from the whispers of their friends and the eyes of the rest of the world.

It seemed fitting. They were afterall heading off to be exactly that.

Isolated from the world they were trying to save.

Clarke glanced over at Lexa again and was surprised to see her already watching her.

They didn’t need to talk.

They knew exactly what was going on in the other’s head and it was the best of comforts.

They are flying off to be isolated from the world.

Looking back to what her mother said, she was technically right. She was never alone. She had her mom. Her friends. Her Lexa.

But that was company. That was family. That was duty.

None of them still carried the same weight she and Lexa does. And neither her nor Lexa ever wanted to share the burden anyway. If it were up to them, they would be on this plane, alone in every sense of the word.

In a way, she and Lexa were still alone in this fight. More than they ever were.

They are still being removed from the equation in order to turn the tides to their favor.

She looked down the window again. There were no more lights of the city. They just got a few flickers from maybe camp fires or small villages. Other than that it was all darkness. All stillness.

A lonesome quiet.

They really are flying off to be isolated from the rest of the world.

_But in a way…they always have been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who waited, who continue to wait and would still want to wait for the next chapter. I cannot exactly point out my reasons why this was not update but I assure you that I have every intention of finishing this story. And yes, we are nearing the end. Thank you for your kind words and may you enjoy your holidays.
> 
> Update: Now that all three parts of the chapter has been posted, I would kindly await for any and all comments. I enjoy reading them. I would everybody had good New Year's celebration and here' to hoping I update much faster this year. I hope you enjoy reading this and feel free to let me know what you may want to read less of or more of. Thank you for your patience and kindness.


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